0:00:02 > 0:00:06MUSIC: Once Upon A Christmas Song by Geraldine McQueen
0:00:27 > 0:00:31MUSIC: Regret by New Order
0:00:38 > 0:00:39What's this song called?
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Regret, New Order.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Have you got any regrets?
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Erm...
0:00:52 > 0:00:56The only regret I have is I didn't go and watch Simon and Garfunkel
0:00:56 > 0:01:00at Manchester Arena when they did a show in 2004.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I were on nights, working.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04What's that face for?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- That's not a regret!- It bloody is.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08That hasn't changed your life.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10You said regrets, you didn't say what kind.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I mean, I've been waiting for that since I were...
0:01:12 > 0:01:14No. You could say, "I regret missing Corrie last night."
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- No, that's not the same. - That's exactly the same.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- Is it hell as the same! - It's entertainment.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- You can have entertainment regrets. - Oh, no, you can't.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Well, I can have whatever I like.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25It's not going to change your life or make you depressed.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27It has made me depressed, actually, because...
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Need to get out more, John.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Don't say that. I've always had a love for Simon and Garfunkel.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Just their two voices together, intertwined, it always...
0:01:36 > 0:01:37What?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39It always has done.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40They're timeless.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Well, you asked me if I had any regrets and I tell...
0:01:46 > 0:01:47I was listening!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Well, what you yawning for?
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Do you want to ask me?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Have you any regrets, Kayleigh?
0:01:57 > 0:01:58No, I haven't.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Oh. There you go.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Well, I have.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Oh, OK.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06I regret not finishing my hair and beauty course.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Now, that's shit. See, you go on about Simon and Garfunkel...
0:02:08 > 0:02:12- No, because I...- ..and I would say, "What's that all about?"
0:02:12 > 0:02:15But then if I was a beautician now...
0:02:16 > 0:02:20It's just cos I've got a phobia about feet and smelly women.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Well, that's a bit of a setback in the old beautician game.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- I couldn't do it, couldn't do it. - Yeah.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31If I was a beautician now, I wouldn't be working here
0:02:31 > 0:02:35and I wouldn't be car sharing with you, and you wouldn't have met me.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- Well...- That would have been one of your regrets.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39I see how you've spun that round there.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42The old Jedi mind trick.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Wouldn't it?
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Yeah, it would.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Wouldn't it?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Yeah, all right. Want it in writing?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Would it?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Yeah.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00William Shakespeare went into a pub, the landlord said,
0:03:00 > 0:03:02"Get out, you're barred."
0:03:02 > 0:03:05You're barred! He's a bard, ain't he? Eh?!
0:03:06 > 0:03:09We're starting now, now we're starting!
0:03:09 > 0:03:13A friend of mine got knocked down by a mobile library.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16You're laughing, son, it's funny, isn't it?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Wouldn't be laughing if it were full of hardbacks.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20You'd be on your arse, wouldn't be laughing then.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Where do you get your kicks, Casualty?
0:03:25 > 0:03:29He were lying on the road, screaming, and the driver got out
0:03:29 > 0:03:30and said, "Shh."
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Hey!
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Blast off!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39We're at the top, we're going higher.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Taking you higher.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Naked man lay down on a road with a woman on his back.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45"Where you going?" "Fancy dress party."
0:03:46 > 0:03:48"What as?" "Tortoise." "Who's she?"
0:03:48 > 0:03:50"That's Michelle."
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Me shell! Eh!
0:03:54 > 0:03:57# Come and get your black bin bags
0:03:58 > 0:04:00# They're on offer till December
0:04:03 > 0:04:05# Come and get your black bin bags
0:04:07 > 0:04:09# They're long and black and slender
0:04:11 > 0:04:13# Heavy-duty black bin bags
0:04:15 > 0:04:17# No matter what your gender
0:04:19 > 0:04:22# Heavy-duty black bin bags
0:04:23 > 0:04:25# Whether bi or straight or bender
0:04:28 > 0:04:30# Heavy-duty black bin bags
0:04:32 > 0:04:35# Something to remember
0:04:35 > 0:04:37# Just rip with me, just rip with me
0:04:37 > 0:04:39# And tear with me, right now
0:04:39 > 0:04:41# Just rip with me and rip with me
0:04:41 > 0:04:43# And tear with me right now. #
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Fill them up now!
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Man went into doctors with a steering wheel down his underpants.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Said, "What happened?"
0:04:48 > 0:04:50"I don't know, but it's driving me nuts."
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Bit of blue, bit of blue for t'dads.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Bit of blue, they like that.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59"Alan, he's blue. Sit down, Alan, he's blue.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01"It's going to be good."
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I went to doctors, I keep getting bad headaches.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06He said, "Can I ask you a personal question?"
0:05:06 > 0:05:08He said, "Do you masturbate?"
0:05:09 > 0:05:11He says, "Sometimes, yeah."
0:05:11 > 0:05:12He said, "It's magic, innit."
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Hey!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17That's your NHS for you. Up the wall!
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Not playing games now.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29What? LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:30More? All right.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Do you another.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Man went into a butchers. He said, "What happened to your assistant?"
0:05:36 > 0:05:38He said, "I sacked him." He said, "Why?"
0:05:38 > 0:05:39He said, "He was sticking his...
0:05:39 > 0:05:42"Sticking his dick in the bacon slicer."
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Sorry, Mum.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50"He was sticking his dick in the bacon slicer."
0:05:50 > 0:05:52He said, "What happened to your bacon slicer?"
0:05:52 > 0:05:54He said, "I sacked her and all!"
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I sacked her, it were a woman!
0:05:56 > 0:05:57That's the twist, you see!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Goodnight! See you! Goodnight!
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Thank you very much.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04You are a bit of a strange bloke, cos you tape like loads of stuff
0:06:04 > 0:06:05on TV, don't you?
0:06:05 > 0:06:09I used to put a tape player in front of telly and tape TV themes.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Why?- And hear me mum shouting in the kitchen,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14"Peter, your tea's ready! Come on, get your tea!"
0:06:14 > 0:06:18I'm like, "I'm taping the theme from Tenko, woman!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20"Do you have to?"
0:06:20 > 0:06:22You were a cinema projectionist once, weren't you?
0:06:22 > 0:06:23No.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- No.- Well, pretend you were for the sake of this interview!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Yeah, I worked with... I was an usher.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Forgive me for being so far off the mark then!
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- Well...- You had a torch, you were working in a cinema.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37I didn't have a torch.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I used to dream of having a torch.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42£2.40 an hour and all the sweets you can eat.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46And then we had the only partially sighted dwarf projectionist
0:06:46 > 0:06:50in England, who put the trailer for Showgirls on front of Pocahontas.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51I'll never forget that.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Saturday afternoon...
0:06:54 > 0:06:56All these custody dads were like that...
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I'm like, "Alan, take it off, man!"
0:07:01 > 0:07:04This is Chorley FM, coming in your ears.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08MUSIC: Make Me Smile by Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Do you want one of these for the station?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- What happened? - The police stopped me again.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Right.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Come on! Hurry up!
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Spelling it wrong! Spelling it wrong!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Pyskick? What's a pyskick?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Supposed to be psychic!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Tit!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01I used to work in a shop, me, and I used to till stuff up...
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Showing you, look.
0:08:02 > 0:08:09When people came in, they'd come in, I'd say, "That's £3.42, please."
0:08:09 > 0:08:11"Do you want the 42?" "What?"
0:08:11 > 0:08:13"Do you want the 42?"
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Yeah, I do!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Otherwise, it'd be three quid.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21And that's not enough, is it?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27"No, you're all right, I'll take it out me wage, shall I?"
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Eh?
0:08:31 > 0:08:32People say stupid things.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34A woman come up to me in Bolton at Christmas.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36She went, "Excuse me, love, excuse me.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37"Am I going the right way?"
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I don't know! I don't know where you're going!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46"I'll tell you this for free!" I love that one.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48"I'll tell you this for free!"
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Put your money away.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51"Believe you me, believe you me!"
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Me? What did I get dragged into? You, me?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56You, me? What's it got to do with me, you, me?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59"I won't touch him with a barge pole."
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Who's got a barge pole?
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Who's got a barge pole?
0:09:02 > 0:09:06"I won't touch it with a ten-foot pole."
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Oh, no! No, no.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10"He's happy as Larry."
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Who's this Larry?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Who's this Larry fella we can compare ourselves to
0:09:14 > 0:09:15he's that happy?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18"first things first." That's a belter.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20"Come on, first things first."
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Really? Let's have first things third, shall we?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I love it when you come back off your holidays
0:09:26 > 0:09:28and people say, "Eh, I see you brought the good weather
0:09:28 > 0:09:29"back with you."
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Imagine that at customs, eh?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34"Look in here, shall we.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37"Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm blinded, blinded!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39"Crowded House here, look at that!"
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Is it dead?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Either that or it's going to piss it down.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Bit strong, that kick.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49That's funny, that kick!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Is it dead?
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Cos it moves, you see, that's what...
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Well, it's my boot, isn't it?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59- BLEEP- weigh about a tonne and a half, them.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10When I step into those prison showers, they'll think...
0:10:10 > 0:10:11- Keep going. - Yeah, I am, I am.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13What do you mean it's all right for me?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16When Paddy steps into them Christmas showers...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Wait.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Geraldine McQueen!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Woo!
0:10:29 > 0:10:31WHISTLING
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Oh, God!
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- Hello!- Hello!
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Nice to see you!
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Hello, nice to meet you, Carol.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46CROWD CHANTS 'GERALDINE'
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Oh, hello!
0:10:48 > 0:10:49That's a hug!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- Hello.- Whoa!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- Oh, my!- Geraldine, take a seat!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Hello, everybody. Look at me, on Loose Women!
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Look at this.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- Who'd have thought it?- You look quite angelic, I have to say.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07I do. You look a bit like Edward Scissorhands.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09- I wondered what was going on. - Oh, I like that.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I noticed they tamed your bush after Part One.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Geraldine!
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Drink?
0:11:23 > 0:11:24- BLEEP.- You bastard.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Obviously, Geraldine, you're from Northern Ireland.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- Yes, I am. - Have you relocated now to London?
0:11:33 > 0:11:37I'm in a little town, just south of London now, called Hull.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38And...
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Come on, now.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Grow up, grow up, Sherrie.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I'm in Hull and I get back to Northern Ireland now and again,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49but I have to because I'm tagged.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51So it's part of the...
0:11:51 > 0:11:54So, I was going to ask you now, are you attached to your home?
0:11:54 > 0:11:55But actually, you pretty much are.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58I kind of was attached to my home,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01but I'm from the travelling community, so my house is on wheels.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Can I ask you about the relationship with your mother?
0:12:04 > 0:12:05We had a very difficult relationship.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07But we've got over it now cos she's died.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13And can I ask you... I mean, obviously, you've mentioned
0:12:13 > 0:12:15the fact that, you know, you used to be Gerry...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Gerry, he's gone now.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- The rebirth. - Do you have a man in your life?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22I do. Well, I saw Adrian Chiles this morning.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- I saw that!- I'm not made of wood, let's be honest.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29I might be a lady, but I've got a man's appetite.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I went round me grandma's flat, I walked in, she said,
0:12:34 > 0:12:35"Guess who's dead?"
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Guess who's dead, I've got to guess.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Guess who's dead?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Where do you start with something like that?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47"Guess who's dead? You'll never guess."
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Chuck me t'phone book.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52"Connie." "Who?" "Connie."
0:12:56 > 0:12:58"Who's Connie?" "Connie, in the flat upstairs. I heard a thud,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00"during Bargain Hunt."
0:13:02 > 0:13:03"I don't know who you mean." "Connie!"
0:13:03 > 0:13:06"Who's Connie?" "Connie, Connie, Connie!"
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Oh, well, now you've repeated it, bloody penny's dropped now.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12"There were Connie, Pat and Theresa, and Joe, he had a beard,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15"emigrates to Canada. Remember, he joined RAF?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"Big lad, his daughter, Donna, grand-daughter,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19"used to be at nursery with you. She ate crayons.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21"She's in police now, she's a desk sergeant.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24"She had a club foot. She had a kinky leg when she walked.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27"Used to work at Warburtons.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29"Jimmy's in borstal.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31"He knocked a nun down on Green Lane, in a three wheeler.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35"Kelly and Angela live over at dry cleaners together.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38"They're both lesbians."
0:13:38 > 0:13:40She can't say lesbian, me nana, she'll burn if she says lesbian.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42MUMBLES: "They're both lesbian."
0:13:44 > 0:13:47"Connie, dead, eh? I only saw her on Tuesday and all."
0:13:49 > 0:13:50"And?"
0:13:50 > 0:13:52"Well, she looked all right to me."
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I said, "She got knocked down by a bloody bus!
0:13:56 > 0:13:58"What do you want her to look like, that?"
0:14:02 > 0:14:05"I saw her in Netto shopping. I said, "What do you want?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08"Grim Reaper pushing a trolley behind her?
0:14:08 > 0:14:13"Come on, Connie, love, get in, you don't need firelighters, not where you are going. Come on.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18"Time's time. Come on. Come on, I've got £1 on this trolley.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21"Get in child seat, come on." How camp is Grim Reaper?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Let me tell you. Come on.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27"Oh, my side. My wrists are wrecking. I tell you.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30"Take my hood off. Is it hot in here, or is it me?" I love that.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32"Is it hot in here, or is it me?"
0:14:33 > 0:14:37"How is he?" "He's all right." "But how is he in himself?"
0:14:37 > 0:14:41How is he in himself? What is he, a contortionist?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Thank you. Let go.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Let go now.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50THEY LAUGH
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Let go.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59THEY LAUGH
0:15:15 > 0:15:16APPLAUSE
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- RECORDED VOICE:- Hundreds of years ago, when man walked the planet,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23he had no real means of communication.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27In time, man developed a phenomena which has never been fully
0:15:27 > 0:15:30understood by the psychic community.
0:15:30 > 0:15:35This phenomena is Clinton Baptiste.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37THUNDER RUMBLES
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- IN BROAD NORTHERN ACCENT:- Are you all right?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42APPLAUSE
0:15:47 > 0:15:54Now, I'm getting a voice, the spirits are very strong tonight, very strong.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Hey. Oh.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I'm getting the name...
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I'm hearing the name...
0:16:03 > 0:16:06..John. Is there a John in the audience.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07SEVERAL PEOPLE RESPOND
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Well, that meant leaving me, you know the Maxter.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Where are you living now?!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- How- BLEEP- loud's that?
0:16:16 > 0:16:17LAUGHTER
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Jesus wept.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20It's me, Max.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Me and Paddy are in prison.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24CHEERING
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Tina, they've just scored.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29LAUGHTER
0:16:31 > 0:16:35I don't drink out of both taps. And that lad definitely does not.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Cheeky bastards!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42HE LAUGHS
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Cheeky bastards!
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Sorry.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47HE LAUGHS
0:16:47 > 0:16:50A friend of mine won a trolley dash round Netto. Seriously.
0:16:50 > 0:16:55A trolley dash. Run round, got to check out, trolley piled up here.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56They tilled it up, 11 quid.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03You can't argue with them prices, can you?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06It's the only place I know where carrier bags are dearer than beans.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10And they're good carrier bags and all.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13They are, they're the kind of carrier bags that your mum
0:17:13 > 0:17:17uses to put all other carrier bags inside.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19What's all that about?!
0:17:19 > 0:17:22"Mum, have you got a carrier bag." "Just hang on.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24"I've got a Next one in here with good handles.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29"Where is it?"
0:17:31 > 0:17:33"Mum, we're going." "Wait!"
0:17:34 > 0:17:36"Mum, we're back."
0:17:40 > 0:17:43How are you on diets? What are you like if you're on a diet?
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Well, I think you are what you eat. And I'm a Twix. So...
0:17:47 > 0:17:50LAUGHTER
0:17:50 > 0:17:52APPLAUSE
0:17:55 > 0:18:00- What are you? What are you? A Ripple. A Ripple.- Yeah, yeah.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01A walnut whip.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03What are you, Carol?
0:18:03 > 0:18:08- She's a sausage.- I'm a sausage. A bowl of soup.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10A bowl of soup.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13And, Geraldine, you're on Loose Women now.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I mean, surely that must have been an aspiration for you.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Do you have any more aspirations? - What did you ask, what did you say?
0:18:19 > 0:18:20LAUGHTER
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Go on, tell me. What did you say? I can't hear you. It's the wig.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27It's the wig. What did you say? What?
0:18:27 > 0:18:32- Come on. Tell me.- How do you cope...?- I think Gerry's coming back. What?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Your mother, John. She were quite young when she died. Am I right?
0:18:40 > 0:18:4293.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Yeah, but she were young in herself, though? She were young at heart.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51- She seemed to slow down a lot towards the end. Am I right?- Yeah.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54This is your partner, correct?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Now, I think there's something you want to tell her, am I right?- No.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01I think there is. Something you wanted to get off your chest.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03You may be a bit ashamed of.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Don't you think you should tell her, John, before you both get hurt?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Nothing, there's nothing!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11AUDIENCE GASP
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- What is it?- Hey, mouth!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16What's right with him? You want to smarten yourself up a bit...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18HE LAUGHS
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- BLEEP- hell! What the- BLEEP?
0:19:22 > 0:19:26- LAUGHTER - I- BLEEP- hate wasps.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28How are you, Billy? Good to see you.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33- How are you, sensei?- I'm good. And you?- And you, sir.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34- Yeah.- BLEEP- wrong.
0:19:34 > 0:19:39- Just stay there.- "How are you?" "And you."
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Good to see you, Billy. How are you?
0:19:42 > 0:19:46- And you, sir... Sensei.- BLEEP- hell.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47- What is it?- "How are you?"
0:19:50 > 0:19:53What's that you're burning?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- My- BLEEP- life's work?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57THEY LAUGH
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Don't worry, love, you'll still be able to visit.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06AUDIENCE GASP
0:20:06 > 0:20:13Now, I'm feeling it very strongly over here. Now, what's your name?
0:20:13 > 0:20:19- Don't tell me. It's Sss...- Sonia. - Sonia.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Sonia. Now, Sonia, love, you've not been very well, have you, love?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- Am I right?- No.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- Debbie's been ill. - Debbie. Debbie's been...
0:20:28 > 0:20:30You have, haven't you, love. You've been very poorly.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33And it's not been easy, has it?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35And it is terminal, isn't it?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37No. No.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39AUDIENCE GROANS
0:20:42 > 0:20:47Right, hands up - who can't have children?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49AUDIENCE GASPS
0:20:51 > 0:20:53You gotta be cruel to be kind.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Hey, don't shoot the messenger.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58I'm only telling you what the spirits are telling me.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Now...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05I'm getting the word...
0:21:08 > 0:21:10..nonce.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11AUDIENCE GASPS
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Argh!
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Went to Connie's funeral just before Christmas.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22A really bad day, raining, fine rain - soaks you through.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24The worst kind of rain, that fine rain.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26It's trying. Ugh! It's trying.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29It's trying. Ugh! It would if it could.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Can't make its mind up.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I didn't know what coat to put on.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Raining.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Then we went to the cemetery, then we went back to the pub,
0:21:39 > 0:21:42cos they put a bit of a buffet on for Connie, not that she ate much.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44There were...
0:21:44 > 0:21:46There's always, there's always aunties and uncles there
0:21:46 > 0:21:48that you haven't seen for years.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Not your proper aunties and uncles - just friends.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52And there's always an Uncle Knobhead.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53There's always an Uncle Knobhead.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55There's an Uncle Knobhead in everyone's family.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58There's one in ours. I'll not tell you his name. Jack.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01He's a...sweep-over. Smokes roll-ups, yellow-stained fingers.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Always setting fire when he's talking. "Are you listening?"
0:22:04 > 0:22:05HE IMITATES SINGEING
0:22:05 > 0:22:09"That's right, that's right. Are you ignoring me, hey?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12"I'm with the wife, I'm with the enemy. That's right."
0:22:13 > 0:22:16"I've just had a bypass. It's touch-and-go, touch-and-go.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17"Me heart's on its arse."
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Is it? That a medical term?
0:22:21 > 0:22:25He came into the toilets, he went, "Woo! Woo!"
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Are the police here? "Woo! Look at you, eh?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30"Hey, you're shooting up, aren't you?"
0:22:30 > 0:22:33"No, I'm having a piss, actually. If you don't mind..."
0:22:34 > 0:22:36"Hey, how old are you now?" "29."
0:22:36 > 0:22:39"29! Woo! Catching me up."
0:22:39 > 0:22:41"No, you'll always have that 25 years' edge on me there."
0:22:42 > 0:22:44"I remember you when you were down here."
0:22:44 > 0:22:47"Yeah, well, I don't want to talk about that, if you don't mind."
0:22:51 > 0:22:54They were all sat round having some buffet.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57This woman said, "Ooh!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59"Ooh!" CHUCKLING: Yes...
0:23:01 > 0:23:05"Ooh! Did you see the rain today, in the cemetery?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08"Raining? I've never known rain like it.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10"But, when they lowered that coffin of Connie's,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12"did you see, did you notice?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15"The clouds parted and the bloody sun shone.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19"That were Connie. She were there. She did that. That were Connie."
0:23:20 > 0:23:22I said, "What? That were the weather."
0:23:22 > 0:23:26"No, no, that were Connie. She were there.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28"In't that right, Lena?"
0:23:28 > 0:23:30"That's right. I tell you now..."
0:23:31 > 0:23:34"..I lost my Billy five years ago.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36"He loved..." HE CLEARS THROAT VIOLENTLY
0:23:36 > 0:23:39"He loved cheese and onion crisps. He loved 'em."
0:23:39 > 0:23:42"Cheese and onion crisps, cheese and onion crisps..."
0:23:44 > 0:23:45"..he couldn't get enough of them.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47"Quavers? He loved Quavers.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50"He couldn't move for Quavers in our house. He loved Quav...
0:23:50 > 0:23:52"Multipacks. Quavers.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57"And when he died, and they lowered his coffin into the ground...
0:23:57 > 0:23:59"I swear on our Christine's eyes..."
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Don't, please.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08"As they lowered the coffin - God as me witness..."
0:24:10 > 0:24:12"..an empty packet of Quavers blew across."
0:24:12 > 0:24:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:16 > 0:24:18"That were Billy. He were there."
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- If you had a vocal coach... - What are you trying to say?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25She doesn't need a vocal coach!
0:24:25 > 0:24:28# Wasn't it good? Oh so good
0:24:28 > 0:24:31# Wasn't he fine? Oh so fine.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33# Isn't it madness... # Come on!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35- ALL:- # He won't be mine... - This is lovely...
0:24:35 > 0:24:40# But in the end he needs a little bit more than me
0:24:40 > 0:24:42# More security
0:24:42 > 0:24:46# He needs his fantasy and freedom
0:24:46 > 0:24:49# I know him so well. #
0:24:49 > 0:24:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Thank you very much.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58MUSIC BEGINS
0:25:11 > 0:25:16# Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
0:25:18 > 0:25:23# Perfect situations must go wrong
0:25:25 > 0:25:30# But this has never yet prevented me
0:25:31 > 0:25:37# Wanting far too much for far too long
0:25:38 > 0:25:43# Looking back I could have played it differently
0:25:45 > 0:25:50# Won a few more moments who can tell?
0:25:52 > 0:25:58# But it took time to understand the man
0:25:59 > 0:26:03# Now at least I know I know him well
0:26:04 > 0:26:08- # Wasn't it good? - Oh so good
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- # Wasn't he fine? - Oh so fine
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- # Isn't it madness - Madness
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- TOGETHER:- # He can't be mine?
0:26:19 > 0:26:24# But in the end, he needs a little more than me
0:26:24 > 0:26:27# More security
0:26:27 > 0:26:31# He needs his fantasy and freedom
0:26:31 > 0:26:36# I know him so well
0:26:40 > 0:26:46# No-one in your life is with you constantly
0:26:46 > 0:26:52# No-one is completely on your side
0:26:54 > 0:26:59# And though I move my world to be with him
0:26:59 > 0:27:01PHONE RINGS
0:27:01 > 0:27:05# Still the gap between us is too wide
0:27:07 > 0:27:14# Looking back, I could have played it differently
0:27:14 > 0:27:18# Learned about the man before I fell
0:27:18 > 0:27:22# I was just a little careless
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# But I was ever so much younger then
0:27:24 > 0:27:28# Now at least I know him well
0:27:28 > 0:27:33- # Now at least... - I know, I know him well
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- # Wasn't it good? - Oh so good
0:27:36 > 0:27:40- # Wasn't he fine? - Oh so fine
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- # Isn't it madness - Madness
0:27:43 > 0:27:47# He won't be mine?
0:27:47 > 0:27:50# Didn't I know
0:27:50 > 0:27:52# How it would go
0:27:52 > 0:27:58# If I knew from the start
0:27:58 > 0:28:03# Why am I falling apart?
0:28:03 > 0:28:06# Wasn't it good?
0:28:06 > 0:28:08# Wasn't he fine?
0:28:08 > 0:28:11# Isn't it madness
0:28:11 > 0:28:14# He won't be mine?
0:28:16 > 0:28:20# But in the end he needs a little bit more than me
0:28:20 > 0:28:23# More security
0:28:23 > 0:28:28# He needs his fantasy and freedom
0:28:28 > 0:28:33# I know him so well
0:28:33 > 0:28:38# It took time to understand him
0:28:41 > 0:28:49# I know him so well. #
0:28:55 > 0:29:01MUSIC: Once Upon A Christmas Song by Geraldine McQueen