0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains adult humour
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time on Irish television,
0:00:28 > 0:00:31would you please welcome Mr Peter Kay?
0:00:31 > 0:00:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:35# Sha la la la la la la la
0:00:35 > 0:00:38# Sha la la la la la la la
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# Sha la la la la la la la
0:00:48 > 0:00:51# Sha la la la la la la la
0:00:52 > 0:00:54# Sha la la la la la la la
0:00:55 > 0:00:57# Sha la la la la la la la
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Cut. Cut.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Ryan's exposed. Ryan's exposed.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- Ryan's unplugged.- Oh, that's...
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Hello, everybody.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20CHEERING
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Weren't that nice, that?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Woo! Woo!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Oh, that were good.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I can't believe you just picked me up, I can't believe it.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Can't believe I just picked you up?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37You're a young Henry Kelly, man, how can I not pick you up?
0:01:37 > 0:01:38APPLAUSE
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- I thought I was on here for a laugh. - You are, you are.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- I thought I was on here for a laugh. - No, you are.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- You are the spits of him, it's got to be said.- I know, I get it all...
0:01:48 > 0:01:53- Going for Gold.- Hans from Germany. Bling! Yeah, I'm all right.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- I used to watch that, yeah. - Is Amarillo still...?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Is that OK with you now, or is it getting a little bit...?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- It's fantastic.- Are you not tired of it, you're OK with it?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03No, funny, over here, some girl came up to me, she went, "Are you Tony Christie?"
0:02:03 > 0:02:06And I went, "No." "You are, you're Tony Christie."
0:02:06 > 0:02:09"I'm not Tony Christie." "You're Tony Christie."
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I said... "The Amarillo man. The Amarillo man, you're Tony Christie."
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I said, "I'm not." I ended up getting my MasterCard out and showing it.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20"Pete... I am Peter Kay. Peter Kay!"
0:02:20 > 0:02:23She went, "Oh, it's not Tony Christie, it's not him."
0:02:23 > 0:02:25What's happened? What's happened?
0:02:25 > 0:02:30- Listen, the acts for Stars in Their Eyes. They're not coming.- You what?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- They're not coming.- What do you mean, they're not coming?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Well, you know they were coming? Well, now they're not.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- Don't start getting sarcastic, Jerry.- What are we going to do now?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41APPLAUSE
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jerry St Clair,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46your host and compere and licensee of the Phoenix Club.
0:02:46 > 0:02:51- Welcoming you to our Stars in Your Eyes night.- All right?
0:02:51 > 0:02:55- Everything all right, Brian? - Yeah, why?- You're late starting.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Oh, you know the drill. The longer you wait, the more they'll sup.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02So, let's get the show on the road with our first act.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Tonight, singing live, it's...Lulu!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:16 > 0:03:18THEY MOUTH TO EACH OTHER
0:03:24 > 0:03:27# Weeeeeeeelllllll
0:03:32 > 0:03:35# You know you make me wanna shout Look, my hand's jumping
0:03:35 > 0:03:38# Look, my heart's thumping Throw your head back
0:03:38 > 0:03:39# Come on now
0:03:39 > 0:03:42# Don't forget to say you will... # Lovely!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44# Don't forget to shout Yeah, yeah
0:03:44 > 0:03:46# Do you remember
0:03:46 > 0:03:49# When I used to be nine years old... #
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Do you remember, love?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I don't know who I can be.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Just keep looking, there's got to be something in there.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59# And you know you make me want to shout, woo!
0:03:59 > 0:04:03# Shout, woo! Shout, woo!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05# Shout, woo! Shout, shout, shout, shout
0:04:05 > 0:04:07# Shout, shout, shout... # Come on!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09# Shout, shout, shout, shout, shout
0:04:09 > 0:04:11# Shout
0:04:11 > 0:04:13# You know I feel
0:04:13 > 0:04:16# Alllllllll....
0:04:16 > 0:04:19# Right! #
0:04:19 > 0:04:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Hey, hey, now you're talking.
0:04:29 > 0:04:35# Please release me, let me go
0:04:38 > 0:04:45# For I don't love you anymore
0:04:48 > 0:04:55# To waste our lives would be a sin
0:04:57 > 0:05:01# So release me
0:05:01 > 0:05:03# My darling
0:05:03 > 0:05:06# Let me... #
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Go! Hey, hey! Fantastic.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12He's not playing games, is he? What time's bingo, Mam?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Oh!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29HE BREAKS WIND
0:05:44 > 0:05:47HE URINATES HEAVILY
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Do you mind?! Some of us are trying to get a bit of kip in here.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Oh, get to...
0:05:55 > 0:05:57HE URINATES HEAVILY
0:06:30 > 0:06:33BIG BEN TOLLS
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I have the occasional Bailey's, sometimes.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56More of a dessert than a drink, I grant you.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Last time I had a proper Bailey's, I went on my school reunion.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Have you ever been on one of them?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I tell you now, there's a reason you've not kept in touch with
0:07:03 > 0:07:05some of them people over the years.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Someone got in touch through FaceTube, and I thought, "I've got to go."
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Curiosity got the better of me. And I went with a mate of mine.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15It's your worst nightmare. You walk in,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17there's people I've not seen for 20 years.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20You know you're getting old when the local lollipop lady was in your class at school.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25And everyone has got older, fatter and balder. Them's the women.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26I went over...
0:07:28 > 0:07:31And all the teachers were there, they don't get any older.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Nuns, I had nuns teaching me. Honest to God, nuns are miserable.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38No sense of humour. Nun. I tell you that now.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Used to send them a Valentine's card every year from Jesus.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Every February.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46"Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, I died for you."
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Sister Sledge, she was headmistress at our school. Sister Sledge.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54She was lost in music, caught in a trap.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58No turning back.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01She once got all fifth year boys in assembly.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04"Someone's thrown a shatterproof ruler at Carol Farrell."
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Were there a time before shatterproof rulers existed?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10What, were they blowing up in kids' faces? Why were they shatterproof?
0:08:10 > 0:08:14What was that about, shatterproof? "Get them shatterproof, Bob, shatterproof these,
0:08:14 > 0:08:18"quick as you can. They're blowing up in kids' faces here. Get them shatterproof, son."
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Bang! "Another one gone. Quick, shatterproof."
0:08:22 > 0:08:23"It hit her there.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27"If it had been an inch lower, it would have been instant death.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"When I find out who it is, I'll take them
0:08:29 > 0:08:33"on that stage in assembly and I'll bang them in front of everybody."
0:08:37 > 0:08:38I don't think you will.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Now you're talking.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50# I'm Slim Shady, I'm the real Slim Shady
0:08:50 > 0:08:52# All you other Slim Shadys, you're just imitating
0:08:52 > 0:08:56# So won't the... Please stand up Please stand up, please stand up.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58# Said I'm Slim Shady, I'm the real Slim Shady
0:08:58 > 0:09:01# All you other Slim Shadys, you're just imitating
0:09:01 > 0:09:03# So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05# Please stand up, please stand up
0:09:05 > 0:09:07# Said I'm Slim Shady, I'm the real Slim Shady... #
0:09:14 > 0:09:18# Come on, come on, come on, come on
0:09:18 > 0:09:21# Come on, come on, come on
0:09:21 > 0:09:24# Come on, come on, come on, come on
0:09:24 > 0:09:26# Come on, come on, come on
0:09:27 > 0:09:30# D'you wanna be in my gang, my gang, my gang?
0:09:30 > 0:09:31# D'you wanna be in my gang? #
0:09:31 > 0:09:33MUSIC STOPS
0:09:33 > 0:09:35SILENCE
0:09:35 > 0:09:38# I'm the leader, I'm the leader
0:09:38 > 0:09:41# I'm the man who put the gang in bang
0:09:41 > 0:09:43# You better believe it
0:09:43 > 0:09:45# Come on, come on You gotta believe it!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47# Come on, come on You better... #
0:09:49 > 0:09:51CHEERING
0:09:55 > 0:09:58What's so funny? Go on, what?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01What? What, go on. SHE LAUGHS
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- You'll laugh. You'll laugh.- What?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07We were playing this game last night.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- What?- Lady Diana.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Hysterical! Hysterical! Have you played it?
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- Ha... I've never heard of it, never heard of it.- Good.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19It's my game. Copyright! Copyright here!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22You are so leathered!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Lady Diana.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- What did you say?- Lady Diana.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- Eh?- Go on, you say it. Lady Diana.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Why? SHE CHUCKLES
0:10:33 > 0:10:36It's the game! You've got to say Lady Diana...
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: - ..as small as you possibly can!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Lady Diana. Go on, you do it.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- Get out of town!- Do it! Do it!- No.- Go on!- No.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50- Go on, go on, go on, go on. - No, don't be stupid.- Lady Diana.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Bloody crap game. - Lady Diana.- No.- Lady Diana.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55- Do it. No.- Lady Diana.- No.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I'll keep saying it till you do it, John!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- HE SIGHS - Lady Diana.- Lady Diana.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01No! Do it with a little...
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: - ..little, tiny mouth. Say it.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Lady Diana.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Lady Diana. Lady Diana.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Lady Diana.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13It's outrageous!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY
0:11:18 > 0:11:19I'm going to crash!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:11:23 > 0:11:25HE COUGHS
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Ridiculous! - I just nearly weed!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31You've weed...! Don't you wee on my seats, Lady!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33..Diana!
0:11:42 > 0:11:45HE EXHALES DEEPLY
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I'm hurting here!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50HE EXHALES DEEPLY That's a good game.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56We had real teachers, though, as well, we had humans -
0:11:56 > 0:11:57they weren't all nuns.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Have we got any teachers in tonight by any chance?
0:12:00 > 0:12:01CHEERING
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Whoa, whoa, don't shout out. Put your hands up.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06LAUGHTER Hey?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10One rule for one... Fingers on lips.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I used to like teachers with amnesia.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Who do you think you are?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Who do you think you're dealing with?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20How old are you? Where should you be now?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Do you know who I am?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26HE MOUTHS
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Silence when you're talking to me!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31HE MOUTHS
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I don't want to see you floating round school.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Who do you think you are, waltzing in at this time?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Don't come in here, start mouthing off.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53HE MOUTHS
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Come in here, start shouting the odds.
0:12:57 > 0:12:597, 9, 11, 43!
0:12:59 > 0:13:0127!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Who do you think you are, swanning in at this time?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17HE MOUTHS
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Put your pens down and watch the blackboard while I go through it.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I used to like that one, me - keep talking. Keep talking.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Because the longer you talk, the longer you'll stay.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I don't care what time I go home.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Quarter to nine we kept him till - quarter to nine.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45"I was supposed to be going for a meal with my wife."
0:13:45 > 0:13:47"Oh, bollocks to you! You said stay.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49"I'm happy, me. I'm here for the night.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51"I'm taping Taggart. It don't bother me."
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Tonight, singing live, it's...
0:13:56 > 0:13:58it's Meatloaf!
0:13:58 > 0:14:00ENGINE REVS
0:14:00 > 0:14:01I'm telling you, Paddy,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04you've got to have eyes in the back of your head.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09ENGINE RUMBLES
0:14:11 > 0:14:14INTRO ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS
0:14:21 > 0:14:23# The sirens are screaming
0:14:23 > 0:14:27# And the fires are howling way down in the valley tonight
0:14:27 > 0:14:29# There's a man in the shadows with a gun in his eye
0:14:29 > 0:14:31# And a blade shining oh so bright...
0:14:31 > 0:14:33HE MUMBLES
0:14:33 > 0:14:34# ..and there's thunder in the sky
0:14:34 > 0:14:37# And a killer on the bloodshot streets
0:14:38 > 0:14:41# Down in the tunnel where the deadly are rising
0:14:41 > 0:14:44# Oh, I swear I saw a young boy down in the gutter
0:14:44 > 0:14:46# He was starting to foam in the heat! #
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Can I talk to you about your Irish connections?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Cos they're very profound and strong...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Yeah, I've brought me mother and father along with me.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54- They're up there now. - Give us a wave.- Give us a wave.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Josie and Philip. - Hello.- There they are.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Wahey!
0:14:59 > 0:15:02And Carol and Jono - they're there.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Woo!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08They've driven over from Newport,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10in case you want to go and rob 'em.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12And they're over here now.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15They won't be back till about quarter to one in the morning, so...
0:15:15 > 0:15:16The front gates are bust,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19so you can easily get in if you want to get in.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- So, your wife...- You know what I thought then? I panicked.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24I went like that and I thought the price were on me shoe.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I thought, "How embarrassing!"
0:15:26 > 0:15:27"Dunnes."
0:15:29 > 0:15:32What is the...? Your wife is obviously Irish.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Where do you come to Ireland?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- When you come here, where do you hang out...?- We kind of go...
0:15:36 > 0:15:39We go all over. We go down to Cork and up to Donegal and everywhere.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41There's family up in Cavan, and...
0:15:41 > 0:15:43HIGH-PITCHED WHOOPING
0:15:43 > 0:15:45There's people in Cavan just on helium.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:50That's all they take in Cavan - helium.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Whey!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54And... That's what you've got to do to get in.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55HE INHALES
0:15:55 > 0:15:57HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: I live in Cavan!
0:15:57 > 0:16:01And my mum's from Coalisland, so she's from Tyrone, so...
0:16:01 > 0:16:03MEN CHEER
0:16:03 > 0:16:05They're not on helium up there.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08They're women, they're women from Coalisland, them.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10HE CHEERS GRUFFLY
0:16:10 > 0:16:13That's the HRT for you, that.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Does the Irish connection...?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19What's all that? What's all that?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- Do you cross the sea when you get over here?- Do I cross the sea?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I have to, otherwise I can't come!
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Do I cross the sea when I come over here?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- I was just trying to get out of here.- Do I cross the sea?
0:16:30 > 0:16:31You've got to get past the Isle of Man -
0:16:31 > 0:16:33you can't go round it, can you? Do you know what I mean?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36To come on the boat. Yeah, I come over all the time.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38It's lovely over here. No-one bothers you.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Everyone thinks I'm Tony Christie over here.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42"Tony Christie!" "No."
0:16:42 > 0:16:45"You are!" "I am not Tony Christie, love!"
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Did you ever try and blind a teacher with your watch?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51You'd all be concentrating...
0:16:51 > 0:16:53If you all did it... "Blind the teacher.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54"Do it now."
0:16:54 > 0:16:56"I know who it is!"
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- "No, you don't, can't see- BLEEP- all, you don't know who it is."
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Try and burn a hole in the front of his pants. "Do it now."
0:17:05 > 0:17:08"His balls are smouldering, his balls are smouldering! Do it now!"
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Fire alarm. "Whey!"
0:17:14 > 0:17:18I always wanted to be out, me, when the bell went, be first one out.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Used to start packing everything away
0:17:19 > 0:17:21about two minutes before the bell,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24put everything back in my pencil case really...really discreetly.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29By my bag. There you go.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31But I still pretend I've got a pen, an imaginary pen.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Cos they can't see cos someone's sat in front,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35so you pretend you're writing.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Put your coat on really discreetly.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44LAUGHTER
0:17:57 > 0:17:59"Whey!"
0:18:01 > 0:18:03"Back, back, back, everybody back. Back.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05"That bell's for me.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07"That bell's not for you - that bell's for me.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09"That bell is a signal for me to tell me to tell you
0:18:09 > 0:18:13"when you can go, do you hear me? Do you hear me?"
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Power mad, they were.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Mr Bryce at our school. What an arsehole he were.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Saw him on that school reunion, he wanted winding.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Right weirdo!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Took us on a geography field trip to the graveyard to see his wife.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Oh!
0:18:28 > 0:18:29..king mentalist.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33He just sat there sobbing.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35We were playing army round the headstones, us, like...
0:18:35 > 0:18:39HE MIMICS SHOOTING
0:18:50 > 0:18:52He didn't like me.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55"Is that what you're going to be when you grow up, Kay, a comedian?"
0:18:58 > 0:19:01"I'll tell you where you're going to end up, Kay - the thick table.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03"Get your stuff. Get on the thick table."
0:19:03 > 0:19:05We used to have a thick table in our class at school. A thick table.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08When I say "thick table", I don't mean THICK table.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10I mean... IMPEDED SPEECH: ..thick table.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15You'd never get away with that today, PC and all that!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18This is 20 years ago - none of this ADHD and dyslexia.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"Thick table! Get on the thick table!"
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Jason Patel like that.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Snorkel Parka, sat in the bin arse first like that.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39"Thick table, Jason, till you learn."
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Teresa Crankfist... Jesus Christ...
0:19:42 > 0:19:44With the space dust and snot bubble like that.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47HE SNORTS AND SPLUTTERS
0:19:53 > 0:19:56HE SNORTS AND SPLUTTERS
0:19:58 > 0:20:01"Thick table, Teresa!"
0:20:01 > 0:20:04"Paddy McGuinness, thick table!"
0:20:04 > 0:20:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:07 > 0:20:09"Let the thick see the table."
0:20:09 > 0:20:11LAUGHTER
0:20:16 > 0:20:18That's true - I was sat with him.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20KEYBOARD INTRO MUSIC PLAYS
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Elton John.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32# I can't find
0:20:33 > 0:20:37# All the right romantic lines
0:20:37 > 0:20:40# Those romantic lines
0:20:41 > 0:20:43# You see me once
0:20:43 > 0:20:45# Once
0:20:45 > 0:20:47# You see the way I feel
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- # You see the way I... # - All right, shut your mouth.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Used to watch television in class,
0:20:53 > 0:20:55and you'd wheel in this massive television on legs!
0:20:55 > 0:20:56It were up there!
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Two prefects used to wheel it in like the prize in a game show.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05It were massive! We were like meerkats, watching it like that.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10With the video in the lock box - that'll have been nicked.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Remote control on a wire.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Sister Matic stood on the chair with the aerial to try and get a picture.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19"Can you see? Can you see now? Can you see?"
0:21:20 > 0:21:23I were never a fan of PE at school, me.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27I can see the astonishment in your eyes. But I were never a fan.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30I don't... How did I get up here?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I were never a fan.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35I don't believe you can be physically educated.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37They used to make us walk on an upside-down gym bench.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Did you ever do that? Used to balance to walk along.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42The weight's dropping off me now, Sister!
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I used to pretend I forgot my kit. "I forgot me PE kit!"
0:21:48 > 0:21:50"Get some out of that bin in the corner."
0:21:50 > 0:21:52..kin' fencing mask and a netball skirt.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Forward roll.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07"All change." "The ropes, get on the ropes, get on the ropes!
0:22:07 > 0:22:10"Oh, they've been on the ropes twice now, Sister!"
0:22:10 > 0:22:12"Still on this pissing bench."
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- But it's lovely to play here. See how I pull that back?- Thank you.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- It's lovely. See how I saved you, then?- Yeah, thanks a million.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23It's lovely. I've never done Ireland.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I did Kilkenny Comedy Festival. AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS
0:22:26 > 0:22:29He's got a cough. But...
0:22:29 > 0:22:31That's Kilkenny for you - it's full of TB.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Why haven't you been...? Why haven't you been...?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36HE COUGHS
0:22:36 > 0:22:38- A fur ball.- Fur ball!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- STUMBLING:- You generally finish some...that your...- What?!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- Have you had a stroke? - I have, actually.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46You've given me one talking to you.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48I'm a comedian - I'm supposed to comede.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49No, you're comeding so well.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- I've got some jokes, I've got some jokes.- Great!
0:22:52 > 0:22:54To want them? Do you want to hear some testers?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59I ordered a pizza last night. I asked for thin and crusty supreme.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01They sent me Diana Ross.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03LAUGHTER
0:23:03 > 0:23:06APPLAUSE
0:23:06 > 0:23:10And, fella says to his wife, "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"
0:23:10 > 0:23:12She says, "I don't like ringing you at work."
0:23:12 > 0:23:14LAUGHTER
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- That's all right? - That's OK. That's good.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24# Oh, baby, baby
0:23:24 > 0:23:27# How was I supposed to know
0:23:28 > 0:23:31# Something wasn't right?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34# Show me how you want me to be... #
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Hey, that wasn't in the hamper.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40# Because I need to know because... #
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Woman went to the doctors -
0:23:42 > 0:23:44she had a piece of lettuce sticking out the top of her knickers...
0:23:44 > 0:23:48It's all right. You think that. But hang on. Hang on.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49He said, "That looks nasty."
0:23:49 > 0:23:52She said, "It's the tip of the iceberg."
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Ah! Thank you!
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Thank you!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58You see the look of fear in Ryan's eyes then!
0:23:58 > 0:24:00The look of fear!
0:24:02 > 0:24:03I were on packed lunches, me.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Packed lunches were two Spam sandwiches
0:24:06 > 0:24:07and a Munch Bunch yoghurt
0:24:07 > 0:24:09in a Robin of Sherwood lunchbox.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12A packet of Salt 'n' Shake. Highland toffee.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15And a beaker, my mum used to give me a beaker with orange cordial
0:24:15 > 0:24:18with some clingfilm over the lid so it wouldn't spill in my bag.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21You don't want that all over your books. Did you ever back your books?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23What were all that about, backing books?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26"Mum, get me that woodchip wallpaper from the side of the wardrobe.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28"Got to back my books here.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30"Anaglypta, Razzle.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33"Back my books here. Keep it safe."
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Get a life.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I used to love it when I were in the dining hall at school
0:24:37 > 0:24:38and someone would fall with their dinner.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Just walking back to their seat, you'd get some girl walking...
0:24:43 > 0:24:46And everyone would go, "Whey!"
0:24:46 > 0:24:48When they were sick, they used to put sawdust down!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50What were all that about, sawdust?!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53"There's nothing to see. On your way."
0:24:53 > 0:24:55"Course there's something to see - she's thrown up sawdust here.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57"She's thrown up sawdust."
0:24:58 > 0:25:00"Some carpenter's daughter!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03"Look at that - shavings! Blergh! Shavings!"
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Should be on Embarrassing Bodies - she's a freak.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09They were doing that at the school reunion about half past ten.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Everyone were drunk, Sister Are-Doing-It were going round
0:25:12 > 0:25:14with the bucket of sawdust, throwing it down.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19I'd had a few Baileys, I were up on the karaoke.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Teresa Crankfist giving it bump and grind.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Teresa off her tits, pole dancing with the crucifix.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Sister Sledge - "I'll kill her! I'll fecking kill her!
0:25:35 > 0:25:36"Where's me shatterproof ruler?"
0:25:41 > 0:25:46- How long have we got?- Go for it. Go. Danny Boy. Come on.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49No, no, let's sing something else. Let's sing...
0:25:49 > 0:25:51# I have fallen for another
0:25:51 > 0:25:54# She can make her own way home... #
0:25:54 > 0:25:56MUSIC STARTS
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- It's too high that, it's too high! Go a key lower.- Lower key!
0:26:00 > 0:26:01- Key lower. Key lower.- OK.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03LAUGHTER
0:26:03 > 0:26:08LOWER: # I have fallen for another, she can make her own way home... #
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Go.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Get Carol up. She'll know it. Come on, Carol! You'll know it.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16WHOOPING AND WHISTLING
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Come on, Carol. Come on!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Come on! Come on. Come on...
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Come on!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Come on, Carol knows it.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- OK, go to the chorus.- Go on.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31# I used to love her...
0:26:31 > 0:26:33# I used to love her once
0:26:33 > 0:26:34# A long, long time ago
0:26:34 > 0:26:37# I used to love her, I used to love her once
0:26:38 > 0:26:40# It's gone
0:26:40 > 0:26:42# All my lovin' is gone
0:26:42 > 0:26:44# Oh, oh, it's gone
0:26:44 > 0:26:46# All my lovin' is gone...
0:26:46 > 0:26:49INDISTINCT What...?
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Oh, she's...
0:26:51 > 0:26:53AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG
0:26:53 > 0:26:57# She was on a 48-hour pass, just water and black tea
0:26:59 > 0:27:03# I walked right up and made an ostentatious contribution... #
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Go on.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07# And I winked at her to tell her
0:27:07 > 0:27:09# I'd seduce her in the future
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- # When she's feelin' looser... # - Whoa, get off!
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# I used to love her, I used to love her once
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# A long, long time ago
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# I used to love her, I used to love her once
0:27:20 > 0:27:21# Long, long time ago
0:27:21 > 0:27:22# It's gone
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# All my lovin' is gone
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# Oh, oh, it's gone
0:27:26 > 0:27:28# All my lovin' is gone... #
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Go to t'ending.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33# It's gone, gone, gone, gone
0:27:33 > 0:27:35# All my lovin' is
0:27:35 > 0:27:38# Gone, gone, gone, gone
0:27:38 > 0:27:40# All my lovin' is...
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# Gone, gone, gone!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# All my lovin' is...
0:27:44 > 0:27:47# Gone, gone, gone, gone
0:27:47 > 0:27:50# I have fallen for another
0:27:50 > 0:27:55# She can make her own way ho-o-o-ome. #
0:27:55 > 0:27:58CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Peter Kay!