0:00:26 > 0:00:29Peter Kay is one of Bolton's funniest comedians
0:00:29 > 0:00:31and not an athlete.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34But he's about to embark on a challenge that will not only
0:00:34 > 0:00:37change his life, but dozens of lives forever.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Well, I've seen what David Walliams has done, swimming the Channel
0:00:40 > 0:00:43and the River Thames, what Eddie Izzard's done, and John Bishop.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47It's been amazing. And I thought - what can I do? What do I do best?
0:00:47 > 0:00:48And the answer is, sit on me arse.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53This is the story of his extraordinary journey.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- CHRIS EVANS:- And so it begins, it's Monday morning and for Peter Kay,
0:01:01 > 0:01:05the next five days are going to be literally hell on earth.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09He's live in Belfast at the starting line of a monumental
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Sit Down Challenge for Comic Relief. Can you hear me, Peter?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Loud and clear, Christopher!
0:01:15 > 0:01:20Are you ready to travel from Belfast to London, by couch?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Not by coach, by the way, by couch!
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- As ready as I'll ever be. - All right, let's count him down.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Everybody together, shout at your radios now!
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Five, four, three, two, one!
0:01:32 > 0:01:33- Yes! - KLAXON SOUNDS
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Away we go!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Oh, oh! Hang on a minute!
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Bloody hellfire! Jesus Christ!
0:01:40 > 0:01:43We've had a bit of a cock-up here. We're starting again now.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Peter makes his way towards the Irish coast,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51where he's greeted by some surprise Olympic support.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Hello!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57They have the formidable task of transporting Peter
0:01:57 > 0:01:59and his couch across the Irish Sea.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06- Heave!- Ho!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- That's it! Heave!- Ho!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- Keep going! Heave!- Ho!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- Heave!- Ho!
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Heave! That's it! Come on!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Unfortunately, Peter fails to find his sea legs
0:02:18 > 0:02:22and soon regrets eating a full Irish breakfast before setting sail.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25HE RETCHES
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Working in those clubs at that time, when you look back on those days,
0:02:30 > 0:02:33from the position where you are now, do you look back with fondness?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- Did you enjoy them?- Oh, yeah. It's... I think it's...
0:02:36 > 0:02:39I did Eccles Masonic Hall once with a Cher...
0:02:39 > 0:02:43A guy said to me, "How do you want your lights?"
0:02:43 > 0:02:47And I went, "What are my options?" He went, "On or off."
0:02:47 > 0:02:49He had a light switch on the wall.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53I were on with a Cher lookalike who did Shania Twain songs.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56And another gig with her... This other one who were a Cher lookalike.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58She were called Cher and Cher Alike.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00That were her stage name.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03And I did a Shania Twain one, she were called Shania Twin.
0:03:03 > 0:03:09- And she was supporting Pete Loaf. Not Meatloaf.- Pete Loaf.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Pete Loaf.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- Get it? - A carpet fitter with a grudge.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16He had a Harley Davidson on stage.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20And he did Bat Out Of Hell. And he...
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Pete Loaf!
0:03:22 > 0:03:26I did a gig last year - I've got to tell you this, this were funny -
0:03:26 > 0:03:30at Blackpool Opera House, and for some reason,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33there were all magicians on in the second half.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36And I didn't know. I knew they were, but what happened,
0:03:36 > 0:03:40I came out at the beginning of the night and I said, "Hello!" The curtains were shut.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43And they're big curtains at Blackpool Opera House, I put them on my shoulder.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46I said, "These should be open," and I pulled them open like that.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48And I said, "I like that set up back there, it looks lovely,"
0:03:48 > 0:03:51and everyone laughed and thought it were all part of the show.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55And then I did my bit and everything and in the second half, I came on and they were shut again.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58And I went, "They're shut again!" So I put them over my shoulder and pulled them up
0:03:58 > 0:04:01and there was a magician trying to put a woman in a box.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Swear to God.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06The funniest thing - he's like that, "Get in!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08"Get in!"
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Preparation for Peter's Comic Relief Sit Down Challenge hasn't been easy.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13BLOWS WHISTLE
0:04:13 > 0:04:17For the last week, he's embarked on a punishing daily regime,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20readying himself for the toughest journey of his life.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25He's enlisted the help of ex-SAS fitness specialist
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- Sergeant Mike Collins... - What are you doing?!
0:04:28 > 0:04:31..an expert in endurance training.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- SQUEAKY VOICE: - It will be very tough.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I don't think I've worked with anybody so determined.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37I'm on a couch!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I was always athletic at school, yeah.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41You know, sack race, egg and spoon.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43So, you know, it was always on the cards, really.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44You can't fight destiny.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Come on! We have to get you fit!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Fitter.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55Just the main concern is things like couch sores or pins and needles.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Or that silent killer that is trapped wind.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04In an effort to test the elements for the typical British weather,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Mike increases the pressure on Peter's specialised booty camp.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Quicker!
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Wind! I said wind!
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Move your fat arse!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I feel this is going to be the challenge of a lifetime.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27I'll either come back a hero or a failure.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29But there's no going back.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Peter's arduous training has paid off, as he makes his way
0:05:37 > 0:05:42down through southern Scotland on his mammoth Sit Down Challenge.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Not long now.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48'People don't realise, it's tough. It gets to you.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50'Mentally, it's hard. Psychologically.'
0:05:50 > 0:05:55WINDS BLOW 'What I hope is I don't get halfway through and give up.'
0:05:55 > 0:05:58You know, I want to keep going. I'm a sitter, I'm not a quitter.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Another 20 miles, I'll let you have a brew.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Careful. Careful.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Watch that bit of dog shit there.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18That's it. That's it. Keep it back. Keep it back, lads.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20And lady.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22We've lost one.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26What are you doing?! Come on! Get a wriggle on, Albert!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- Where are you off to now? - Cash and carry. I'm going
0:06:28 > 0:06:32- to get some more of this... Where are you- BLEEP- going here?!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- Did I disappear then? - Going, "Whey, I'm off!"
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Action!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Here we go, Jerry. Come on, man.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Come on!
0:06:42 > 0:06:44- Come on!- Urgh!- Come on!
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- Coming.- Whoosh!- I'm coming.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I'm not coming.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Shops are bad, when you go in shops. I don't like it when they start...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59You know when they think you've got forged money?
0:06:59 > 0:07:03And they make you feel... And there's a queue behind you. They start looking at you like...
0:07:03 > 0:07:07They start holding it up to the light, see if Queen's got a 'tache.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09But it under that ultraviolet machine. You know.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I went into one shop, I gave her a £20 note, she looked at me like
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I'd come into her house on Christmas Day and pissed on her kids!
0:07:14 > 0:07:17I said, "Hey! It's a £20 note, love! I'm not from Mars!"
0:07:20 > 0:07:23When she gave me my change, I bit it. Like that.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27"Just checking, love, it's not chocolate, you know what I mean?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29"Two can play at that game, flower."
0:07:33 > 0:07:36People apologise for change as well. "Can I give you all this change, love?
0:07:36 > 0:07:41"Can I get rid of all this shrapnel? Can I get rid of all this shit on you, love? Can I shit on you, love?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44"Can I get rid of all this?" "Oh, no. We're glad of it, aren't we, Barbara? We're glad of it.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49"We need it. Oh, you've come at the right time. We're glad of it."
0:07:49 > 0:07:51I went to the chippy on a Friday night, right, chippy tea,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53like you do.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57It's the law. I went in. I gave her a £20 note, this woman.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59As she's putting it in to the till,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02she turns to the other woman who's serving behind the counter, right...
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Oh, hear me out.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06They do this in Greggs.
0:08:06 > 0:08:12As she's putting it in, she says to the woman, "£20 going in, Marion!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14"20 going in, love."
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I said, "Hey, mouth!"
0:08:20 > 0:08:24"There's two drug dealers eyeing me up for my change here!"
0:08:24 > 0:08:27"He's got £17 change, that lad."
0:08:27 > 0:08:31I'll be lying on the front street in a minute, covered in peas, winded.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38MUSIC: One Day Like This by Elbow
0:08:38 > 0:08:41And support for Peter's Sit Down Challenge grows by the hour,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43as he makes his way across Britain.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46I can't believe what he's doing. It's astonishing.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48You just wouldn't think he'd have it in him.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Support's nice, isn't it? Look at some of these I've had.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55"You can straddle my sofa any time. Bernard." Great.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56What's all that about?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59How he can sit like that for so long, it beggars belief.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03I thought the Olympians were impressive until I saw this.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05How are you? That's it.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Put some in there. Oh, I'm shattered, love.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Watch yourself. You'll go under my wheels, flower.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Yeah, see you.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Loud, them, aren't they? Trying to read, here.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Tired after a hard day's waving, Peter - and his hand -
0:09:23 > 0:09:25are ready for a well-earned rest.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Had enough, now.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- Where are we staying?- Savoy.- Savoy?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Is this it?! We're stopping here?
0:09:35 > 0:09:39- Hello?- Hello.- Comic Relief. Peter Kay.- Hiya.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Nice to meet you, Mr Kay. Oh, you're just in time.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- # ALL:- Were my baby's at
0:09:46 > 0:09:50# Is this the way to Amarillo?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53# Every night I've been hugging my pillow
0:09:53 > 0:09:57# Dreaming dreams of Amarillo
0:09:57 > 0:10:00# Where sweet Maria waits for me... #
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Bloody hell. What chance of a bath?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11"Caution - hot water."
0:10:11 > 0:10:14When? Get Lenny Henry on the phone!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16He'll get us somewhere decent.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Action.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Jesus Christ!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Come on, you frigging...
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Hey, they don't do peas down south.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I went down south, doing some shows, I went into a chippy, I said,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39"Chips and peas, please." SOUTHERN ACCENT: "We don't do peas."
0:10:39 > 0:10:42"You what?" "We don't do peas."
0:10:42 > 0:10:45OVER ENUNCIATING: "They don't do peas. They don't..."
0:10:45 > 0:10:48That's my friend, he's outside, through the window.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51You've got to talk like that, through glass.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53"They don't do peas."
0:10:55 > 0:10:58"Curry sauce? Curry sauce?"
0:10:58 > 0:11:01"Do you do curry sauce?" "We don't do curry sauce, mate." "What?"
0:11:01 > 0:11:03"We don't do curry sauce." "They don't do curry sauce."
0:11:03 > 0:11:07"Curry sauce, no go. No go."
0:11:07 > 0:11:10"Gravy? Gravy?"
0:11:10 > 0:11:13"We don't do gravy." "They don't do gravy."
0:11:13 > 0:11:16My friend comes in. He says, "Hey, has tha' nowt moist?"
0:11:18 > 0:11:20"Has tha' nowt moist?"
0:11:22 > 0:11:24"Forget it, we're going."
0:11:24 > 0:11:26£20 going in...
0:11:28 > 0:11:30With a punishing schedule ahead of him,
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Peter is only allowed eight hours' sleep before he's back.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35# On the road again... #
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Keep it straight, I'm trying to watch it. No, no, up.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Just bend back a bit.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Keep your back straight, man!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Where's the remote control?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Where's my remote control gone?! Pull over!
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Pull over! Get in while I get my remote control. Pull over!
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Tired and frustrated,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Peter makes a desperate call to Comic Relief guru
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Sir Richard Curtis.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00"Good idea," you said.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03I could've been indoors now, singing Agadoo with Adele.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Middle of nowhere. You promised me celebrities.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07There's no bugger turned up!
0:12:07 > 0:12:10What? There's a minibus here, now.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12What are you talking about?
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- Hey, we're here!- Ahhh!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Hallelujah!
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- I'm so proud of you, man.- Yeah!
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Ray Quinn!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25All right? How are you?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- Hello, Spit.- Great to see you.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Yazz! Bloody hell! It's Yazz!
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Thanks to Sir Richard Curtis and his celebrity connections...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- Who are you?- ..Peter is now joined by the creme de la creme
0:12:38 > 0:12:42of the showbiz world to drag him to the finish line.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45MUSIC: Fix you by Coldplay
0:12:48 > 0:12:51It's the response it's got, and everybody turning up like this.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55It's been absolutely fantastic.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Look at that, "So-fa so good."
0:12:57 > 0:12:59CHEERING
0:12:59 > 0:13:01It's a puppet!
0:13:01 > 0:13:05And the great British public are out in force to show their support.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Look at that. Look at that...
0:13:12 > 0:13:13glaucoma.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- ALL:- Peter! Peter! Peter!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19He's just inspired me to sit at home and watch television.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22And there's messages of support from celebrity sitters.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Keep on sitting, Peter. You know you can do it.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- Good luck, mate.- Good luck. - Yeah, keep going. Keep going.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30TORTOISE GRUNTS
0:13:30 > 0:13:34The whole country is behind you.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35We're nearly there.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38After an exhilarating day,
0:13:38 > 0:13:42a weary Peter finally makes his way to a much-needed rest for the night.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Thank you. Mwah!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Yeah! CHEERING
0:13:49 > 0:13:52And after sitting on the couch all day,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Peter now prefers to sleep standing up.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Night.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Started off, I left school
0:14:00 > 0:14:04and got a job at Franny Lee's packing toilet rolls.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07In the factory, not in his house.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Not unpacking his shopping.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Then I worked there for six months, and I left at Christmas
0:14:12 > 0:14:14cos they went to continental shifts,
0:14:14 > 0:14:17and I wouldn't wear a sombrero, so...
0:14:18 > 0:14:21What about the...? You worked in a cash and carry, didn't you?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23I worked in a cash and carry. I went working there after...
0:14:23 > 0:14:27We had a manager there called Brian Bytheway, that were his name.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Brian Bytheway. That's a great name, that. You see...
0:14:29 > 0:14:31You couldn't write that, Brian Bytheway.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33And he were the kind of manager...
0:14:33 > 0:14:35"If you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean."
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Do you know what I mean? Or, er...
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Oh, he's obsessed with stacking shelves.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43You'd put something on shelves, he'd go, "Oh, whoa, whoa! Put that there.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45"Eye level is buy level.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48"If they can't see it, they can't buy it."
0:14:48 > 0:14:50There was a robbery there, at the cash and carry.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54It was a Thursday night, proper armed raid - it's true, this -
0:14:54 > 0:14:56and I was working, it was a Thursday night,
0:14:56 > 0:15:00and I was pricing up tuna fish with Kevin Broughton.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04And it come on Tannoy, cash office, Miriam...
0:15:04 > 0:15:06"Mr Bytheway!"
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Just the end of the Tannoy, you know? "Mr Bytheway!"
0:15:08 > 0:15:10I thought, "Something's going down here, Kev."
0:15:10 > 0:15:13And we run round into t'pop aisle, and there were at the front...
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- "Pop aisle."- Pop aisle...
0:15:15 > 0:15:17And they were at the front with these sawn-off shotguns. You know?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20But if you're ever in anything like that, it's delayed shock.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Cos at the time, your brain...
0:15:22 > 0:15:25It's like it's not happening, you know what I mean?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28When I got home I was sobbing to the middle of Tomorrow's World.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30But at the time, they turned...
0:15:30 > 0:15:34and I swear to god, they went like that, they turned, they went...
0:15:34 > 0:15:36"You two! Get down!"
0:15:36 > 0:15:38And I said, "What, you mean dance?"
0:15:38 > 0:15:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Slate 552, take one.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Try not to click it that hard.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59People are... Old people with weather.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"Oh, it's too warm for me.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03"Oh, it's warm.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06"I like it warm, but I don't like it this warm.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12"It's too warm. You know, there's warm and there's warm."
0:16:12 > 0:16:14"Oh, I'm sweating cobs." What? Cob and a cobs!
0:16:14 > 0:16:17"I'm wringing, I'm wet through. Look at me."
0:16:17 > 0:16:21"Oh, it's sticky weather. It's sticky. Clammy.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24"I can't get my breath!" Good! It's called summer.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Have a Solero and shut the ... up, will you?
0:16:27 > 0:16:28LAUGHTER
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- But the following morning, there's trouble.- Look at that.
0:16:33 > 0:16:38In the few short hours they've rested, the couch has been clamped.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42- Peter, they've clamped the bloody sofa.- What? What?
0:16:42 > 0:16:47- Sofa's been clamped.- You're joking. Get the toiletries.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- What the bloody hell is going on here, hey?- Parasites.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Get this off here. Get it off. Do know what we're trying to do here?
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Albert, get the money out the bucket. Give him the bucket.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- How do you sleep at night? That's 70 less malaria nets now.- BLEEP- head.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Behind schedule and already exhausted,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Peter is finding the strain of constant resting difficult.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Have you got a signal, Peter?
0:17:14 > 0:17:18And slowly but surely, his body begins to shut down.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- Have you seen his face? He's not happy.- What?
0:17:22 > 0:17:23It's just getting to me.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I have massively underestimated this.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Have you?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Things quickly go from bad to worse
0:17:30 > 0:17:34when Peter's lips have an adverse reaction to being outdoors.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39It's too much, this. Look at this. Look at my lips.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Have you got anything for my lips?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Argh! I've got a spasm in my neck.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Argh! Argh!
0:17:46 > 0:17:51- Can we pull in, guys? Pull in. - Argh! Argh!
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Sergeant Mike Collins is forced to administer some emergency physio.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00What are you clapping for? What are you doing? Oh, that's it, that's it.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Fortunately, Peter's wife, Mrs Kay,
0:18:03 > 0:18:05has turned up to offer some much-needed support.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Oh, hiya, love. Are you all right?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Oh, I know, tell me about it.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I can't, I can't do it any more. It's too much.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- My lips are killing me. I'm- BLEEP- knackered.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I'm not hungry, though. I can't eat it.
0:18:52 > 0:18:57MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:59 > 0:19:03The testing of Peter's determination has been incredible
0:19:03 > 0:19:07but thanks to his wife's timely support, he's now spiritually
0:19:07 > 0:19:11and mentally refuelled and with a full tank of love,
0:19:11 > 0:19:16he pushes himself forward towards his finish line and victory.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18MUSIC PLAYS
0:19:18 > 0:19:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:23 > 0:19:25My auntie Sandra. Is she in?
0:19:25 > 0:19:29My auntie Sandra was a dinner lady. One of them pink women.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31The pink ladies you used to get at school. Dinner ladies.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34You know the one on the dinner break?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Pink women, pink overall, pink tabard. What's that word?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Tabards and pink legs and pink heads, pink hair. Proper pink.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Used to go around the playground, stop you having any fun. Walk round.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47"Stop that, cut it out, you. Don't do that. Put that down."
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Three of them, there were and my auntie Sandra...
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Not my proper auntie.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55And there were Janice and Barbara and they'd go around.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58"Stop that!" Stop you playing army. Army.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01"Stop that, you'll hurt somebody."
0:20:01 > 0:20:05I've got a stick for a gun. Who am I hurting with a stick?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Da-ra! Oh, they're all in pain now, aren't they, love, hey?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Da-ra, da-ra!
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Lads had three noises for guns. Da-ra! Dff-dff-dff-dff!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Dff-dff-dff-dff! Dff-dff-dff-dff! Dff-dff-dff-dff!
0:20:17 > 0:20:19And the worst was the shittest one, which were mine.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Laughing, isn't it? Laughing, laughing.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30IMMITATES GRENADE
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Girls. "Look how immature."
0:20:33 > 0:20:36"Queenio, Queenio, who's got the ballio?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39"I haven't got it.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41"It's not in my pocket."
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Yeah, them mature girls.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46"Stop that." They used to come round if it rained as well.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48If you were playing out, they'd go mad.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50They'd have these daft fits, they couldn't believe it.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53They'd be like that. They'd get all hysterical.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56They'd be stood about 100 yards apart and they could feel it coming.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Rain. They could feel it coming.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00They'd be like eyeing each other up and down.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04They'll be looking like that and they could sense it like that.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Smell it, they could smell the rain.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11LAUGHTER
0:21:11 > 0:21:13One big splodge like that.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15"It's spitting! It's spitting, it's spitting!
0:21:15 > 0:21:20"Everybody in, everybody inside. It's spitting!
0:21:20 > 0:21:23"Janice, Barbara, get the kids, get inside, it's spitting!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26"Get inside. Off the playground, children!
0:21:26 > 0:21:31"Get inside, save yourselves. It's spitting!"
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Like beginning of Saving Private Ryan.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34"Get inside!"
0:21:34 > 0:21:36"Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
0:21:36 > 0:21:37"It's not funny."
0:21:37 > 0:21:39"I'm not laughing, I'm shooting people."
0:21:39 > 0:21:40LAUGHTER
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Action.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47Come on, Jerry. Come on, Jerry. That's it.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48LAUGHTER
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Oh, I'll tell you this one. I went to t'pie shop...
0:21:56 > 0:22:00I went to t'pie shop. I give her a £10 note, right?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02As she gives me her change, she went, "There you go, love.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06"Seven, your eights, your ones, your twos, your ones, your fives, ten, 50 and ten's your change."
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I said, "Hey, what's that you're saying to me? What's that?"
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Counts change out into my hand.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14"Seven, your eights, your ones, your twos, your ones, your fives, ten, 50 and ten's your change, love.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16"Much obliged to you. Come again."
0:22:16 > 0:22:19That's just mathematical bollocks. What's that you're saying to me?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21LAUGHTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Do you want piccalilli?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24I'd rather lick my own arsehole, love, if you don't mind.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Piccalilli? What's that? What's piccalilli?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Don't eat anything that's luminous.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34You'll be drinking mild next. Scientists don't know.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I bought a steak-and-kidney pie. She went, "There you go, love.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41"Watch my juices." I said, "Hey, hey, hey, hey.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45"I want a pie, not your life story. What's the matter with you?"
0:22:45 > 0:22:46Action.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Come on, Jerry, that's it, go on.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53LAUGHTER
0:22:54 > 0:22:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:22:57 > 0:23:02Yes, it's time to welcome Peter Kay into the studio.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05This is the moment...
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Yes.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10He's been sitting down all week for Comic Relief
0:23:10 > 0:23:13but now it's finally time for him to stand up. Get ready, everyone.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Let's count him down to the end of his gruelling challenge.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22- AUDIENCE:- Five, four, three, two, one, zero. Come on.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:29 > 0:23:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:30 > 0:23:32MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Help him down. It's going to be emotional.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41I've got you, I've got you! Come on.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Rusty, you've got to help. Rusty, help me!
0:23:47 > 0:23:51He's here. He's all right. Everybody, he's all right.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Ladies and gentlemen, give him a round of applause.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00- Such a big effort. Such a massive effort.- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03That's amazing.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Once again, for a true national hero,
0:24:05 > 0:24:10please respectfully remain seated for the hero of the hour,
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Peter - surely soon to be Sir Peter - Kay.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Come on!
0:24:16 > 0:24:20MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:29 > 0:24:33# I sing myself to sleep
0:24:33 > 0:24:37# A song from the darkest hour
0:24:37 > 0:24:40# Secrets I can't keep
0:24:40 > 0:24:45# In sight of the day
0:24:45 > 0:24:48# Swing from high to deep
0:24:48 > 0:24:52# Extremes of sweet and sour
0:24:52 > 0:24:56# Hope that God exists
0:24:56 > 0:25:00# I hope, I pray
0:25:00 > 0:25:03# Drawn by the undertow
0:25:03 > 0:25:08# My life is out of control
0:25:08 > 0:25:12# I believe this wave will bear my weight
0:25:12 > 0:25:14# So let it flow
0:25:14 > 0:25:16# Oh, sit down
0:25:16 > 0:25:17# Oh, sit down
0:25:17 > 0:25:19# Oh, sit down
0:25:19 > 0:25:23# Sit down next to me
0:25:23 > 0:25:27# Sit down, down, down, down, down
0:25:27 > 0:25:32# In sympathy
0:25:46 > 0:25:49# Now I'm relieved to hear
0:25:49 > 0:25:53# That you've been to some far-out places
0:25:53 > 0:25:57# It's hard to carry on
0:25:57 > 0:26:01# When you feel all alone
0:26:01 > 0:26:04# Now I've swung back down again
0:26:04 > 0:26:08# It's worse than it was before
0:26:08 > 0:26:12# If I hadn't seen such riches
0:26:12 > 0:26:15# I could live with being poor
0:26:15 > 0:26:17# Oh, sit down
0:26:17 > 0:26:18# Oh, sit down
0:26:18 > 0:26:20# Oh, sit down
0:26:20 > 0:26:23# Sit down next to me
0:26:23 > 0:26:28# Sit down, down, down, down, down
0:26:28 > 0:26:32# In sympathy
0:26:39 > 0:26:43# Those who feel the breath of sadness
0:26:43 > 0:26:47# Sit down next to me
0:26:47 > 0:26:51# Those who find they're touched by madness
0:26:51 > 0:26:53# Sit down next to me
0:26:54 > 0:26:58# Those who find themselves ridiculous
0:26:58 > 0:27:01# Sit down next to me
0:27:01 > 0:27:05# In love, in fear, in hate, in tears
0:27:05 > 0:27:09# In love, in fear, in hate, in tears
0:27:09 > 0:27:13# In love, in fear, in hate, in tears
0:27:13 > 0:27:17# I love, in fear, in hate
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# Down
0:27:25 > 0:27:30# Down
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# Oh, sit down
0:27:33 > 0:27:34# Oh, sit down
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# Oh, sit down
0:27:36 > 0:27:40# Sit down next to me
0:27:40 > 0:27:44# Sit down, down, down, down, down
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# In sympathy
0:27:46 > 0:27:48# Oh, sit down
0:27:48 > 0:27:49# Oh, sit down
0:27:49 > 0:27:52# Oh, sit down
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# Sit down next to me
0:27:55 > 0:28:00# Sit down, down, down, down, down
0:28:00 > 0:28:03# In sympathy
0:28:03 > 0:28:07# Down. #