0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I can't do that!
0:00:12 > 0:00:13I can't do that!
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Not a... No chance!
0:00:15 > 0:00:17These lads are clearly blessed, eh?
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Look at that - amazing.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Where's the basket gone?
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Hey, it's not dodgems, son, it's not dodgems.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Oh, whoo!
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Eh?
0:00:29 > 0:00:31JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:54 > 0:00:56PHONE RINGS
0:01:03 > 0:01:04- What?- VOICE ON PHONE: Hello.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Could I speak to Mr Potter, please?
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Speaking.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Mr Potter from the Phoenix Club?
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Yeah, who's this? It's half three in the pissing morning!
0:01:15 > 0:01:16It's...
0:01:16 > 0:01:18It's Mixu Paatelainen.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Who?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Bolton Coroners Office.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Er...
0:01:22 > 0:01:26- I'm afraid your club has burnt down.- What?!
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Oh...! Oh, God, no!
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Oh, no, not again!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32I'm afraid we've found a body, Mr Potter.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35A body?! Oh, God, no!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Jerry... Oh, Jerry! The compere!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40He was asked to lock up!
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Oh, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43MAX COUGHS 19 years, Jerry!
0:01:43 > 0:01:4519 years, no goodbyes!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Well, all we need to know, Mr Potter, did he have false teeth?
0:01:49 > 0:01:50PADDY LAUGHS
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Did he what? False teeth?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55How the pissing hell should I know if he had false teeth?
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Who is this?!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Eh?!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03I know who you are! Who are ya?!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05MAX HANGS UP
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Mixu Paatelainen!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10THEY LAUGH
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Sick animals! Laughing at death!
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Half past three in the bloody morning!
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Bloody world's gone mad!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21HE SIGHS
0:02:22 > 0:02:24PHONE RINGS
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Who is this?! Hello?!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- Mr Potter?- Who is this?! - This is Sgt Patterson.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33I'm ringing regarding a break-in at your club.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Oh, a break-in, now, is it, eh?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Who's broke in? Bloody fire brigade?
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- Burnt down a minute ago, you sick bastards!- I beg your pardon?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Do you? Well, cop for this!
0:02:43 > 0:02:44HE FARTS
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Goodnight!
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Thanks again for coming down, Sgt Patterson.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- I, er, I appreciate it. - Not at all, Mr Potter.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57- Like I said, I can't understand anyone stealing beer crates.- Yeah.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59It'll be young bulls sniffing crack.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03They'll go straight up their nose, them beer crates. Bloody filth!
0:03:03 > 0:03:04See ya!
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I still can't believe I'm doing so many nights in this place.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12You've got to maintain a level of enthusiasm every night,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14and when people heckle, I mean,
0:03:14 > 0:03:18they shout stuff out and you just go off in a different direction,
0:03:18 > 0:03:20and sometimes that's the magic,
0:03:20 > 0:03:23that's the spontaneity, you know, right there.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26We're on this street in t'middle of t'night, and I'm really thirsty.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I said, "I've got a thirst you could photograph here."
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- WOMAN SHOUTS What?- Was it raining?
0:03:31 > 0:03:32LAUGHTER
0:03:32 > 0:03:34You pick your moments, don't ya?!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37No, I were in... I were in Gran Canaria, it weren't raining!
0:03:40 > 0:03:43It's a bit of a cul-de-sac here she's dragged me down, innit, eh?
0:03:47 > 0:03:48No, it weren't, no.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53What...?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55What possessed you?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59We're all shocked, all of us.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05You on glue?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Go on...
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I got ma tickets on eBay!
0:04:12 > 0:04:14GEORDIE ACCENT I got ma ticken on eBay!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Is he that bloke from t'end of Goonies, in that cave?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I mean, if you're going to jump in, help me!
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Don't just, like, shout out random thoughts,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28like Tourette's.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Next time someone says, "Penny for your thoughts" - sell.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- RADIO:- Have you seen this in the news today?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Apparently, there are thought to be
0:04:42 > 0:04:45four million naturists in the UK now.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Yes, those people who like to be at one with nature
0:04:47 > 0:04:49at special camps across the UK.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I wouldn't be into that. Are you?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- There's what? - Wouldn't be into that.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- Four million what?- Nudists!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Doing what?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Being nude.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Seriously, one of your colleagues
0:05:03 > 0:05:06probably loves to walk around naked at the weekends.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08I couldn't do that in front of other people.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09My friend's mum and dad do it.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- Where?- I don't know where - in a caravan or something, I don't know.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Would you not be cold?
0:05:16 > 0:05:17That would be the least of your worries!
0:05:17 > 0:05:20YAWNING There's four million of 'em.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- I don't even like looking at meself in the bath...- I know.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24..let alone anyone else looking at me.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28They must be freezing.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29They must be filthy pigs.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Gets me when you see 'em playing tennis and stuff.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Everything's swinging about. SHE PRETENDS TO GAG
0:05:38 > 0:05:42- And they're never good looking and slim.- No, no.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45They're always old, fat and ugly, like...
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Aren't they?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Do like taking my bra off when I get home at night, though.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11So, let's have a look at you. WOMAN HECKLES
0:06:11 > 0:06:13What did you say, love? Go on!
0:06:13 > 0:06:14WOMEN SHOUT
0:06:14 > 0:06:17No, you see, you've opened a thing now, they all shout.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I didn't ask any of you, I asked that lady.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Whoo!
0:06:21 > 0:06:22What did that lady say?
0:06:22 > 0:06:26ANOTHER WOMAN SHOUTS Not you. No, no, not you!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Right, see when I pointed that way and I said her?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Didn't point that way, did I?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Whoo!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36What did you say, darling?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- Whoo!- No.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39No, no, you're not understanding.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42You don't understand, I'm sorry.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Whoo!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45No, no, I didn't even say it, then!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47No, no. Could someone help her?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Whoo!
0:06:49 > 0:06:52She's done it again, she's done it again.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53- Whoo!- And again.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Whoo!- What a night we're going to have.- Whoo!
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I'll try and work me material in between them whoos, if I can.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- Whoo!- Oh, there you go.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Like a truck reversing.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Whoo!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Whoo!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Whoo!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Anyway, love... She's probably gone, this one here. What did you say?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15WOMEN SHOUT
0:07:17 > 0:07:19No, no, not them behind her. The one in the front now.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21It's going to take a good hour, this,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24but we'll get there eventually.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Bear with me. Go on...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28MAN SHOUTS Not you, dickhead!
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Eh? Are you a woman? No, you're a man! Shut your mouth!
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- Go on, love, sorry, what were you saying?- Whoo!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40WOMEN SHOUT
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Not you behind her! Her in front!
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Shush! Go on...
0:07:44 > 0:07:45ANOTHER WOMAN SHOUTS
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Not you! Who the BLEEP are you?!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- Oh, my good God. - Whoo!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Come up, love, just come out, come up, and tell me in me ear.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I can't handle it anymore.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Just come up and tell me.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Come on, tell me, what is it?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Come here, what did you say? What...?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07I was telling you, it's the vodka!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I'm from Barry Island!
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- What's occurring? - I'll tell you what's occurring,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17you could breastfeed a creche, that's what's occurring.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Christ Almighty.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21You look like Geraldine.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26So, that... What were you shouting? "It's the vodka."
0:08:26 > 0:08:29All that for that? Is that all it were?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31What's the vodka? The vodka's making you shout out?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Oh, bloody hell...
0:08:35 > 0:08:37It's all right.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- Anyway... - You've got make-up on.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Of course I've got make-up on! Have you seen them...? Turn round here!
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Turn round, look at them lights there.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Oh!- Exactly, you can't see a pissing thing.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50If I didn't put make-up on, I'd look like a ghost!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56It doesn't matter if you wear make-up about seeing.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58You didn't put make-up on your eyes.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Are you...? Are you having that vodka intravenously?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05You're slurring your words. What time did you start?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07After Cbeebies? What time did you start?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10I know what I mean!
0:09:10 > 0:09:13HE LAUGHS You know what you mean!
0:09:13 > 0:09:14You're...!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I'm going to say you're off your tits, but there's not enough room!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- Well, it's a charming little watercolour...- Charming.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25..late 19th century, by Flamineaux.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- It's signed. - It's signed by the artist.- Yeah.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31So, I would value it at around...
0:09:31 > 0:09:32£200.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Come again?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37£200? Two-zero-zero?
0:09:37 > 0:09:41There's a man over there got 15 grand for a box.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Four hours it took me to get here.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44Could have gone potholing.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:49 > 0:09:5315 weeks ago our finalists began their intrepid journey,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56with highs, lows, laughter, tears,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58and quite a few surprises along the way.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Let's take a look.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:08 > 0:10:11The public have no idea how much hard work
0:10:11 > 0:10:13goes into a show like this.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15It's just all singing, all dancing.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19One minute you're singing, next minute you're dancing,
0:10:19 > 0:10:20next minute you're singing AND dancing!
0:10:20 > 0:10:23You can sing without dancing, and you can dance without singing,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26but whatever way you look at it, it's all singing, all dancing.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Right, are you ready? Ready, and...!
0:10:29 > 0:10:31In order to get our finalists up to scratch,
0:10:31 > 0:10:35the producers enlist the help of some world-class coaches.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Amongst them is star of stage and screen, Lionel Blair.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42He's worked with the best, including Kylie, Amy Winehouse,
0:10:42 > 0:10:43and Ray Winstone.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51What people don't realise, these people can't put one
0:10:51 > 0:10:54foot in front of the other - quite literally this year.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58And it's my job to make them look good and feel good.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01You know, people say you can't polish a turd.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Well, I've polished hundreds.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Ha! Ho! Ha-ha! Hey, good!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Two up, two down, right?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12It's not Ring a Ring o' Rosie, you know!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I want attitude!
0:11:14 > 0:11:17See, what I like to give them is encouragement.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18You've got to.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20That was crap - with a capital K!
0:11:20 > 0:11:21What I really like to give them
0:11:21 > 0:11:25is a little bitty bit of Lionel's magic stardust.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27They love it!
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Amy Winehouse couldn't get enough of it.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32You're supposed to be in the ghetto!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34You're in the streets.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37There's an 11-year-old kid down there in the alley selling crack!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Dance for him.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Oh, and I'll push them.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Oh, yeah, I'll push 'em.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43You're supposed to be a professional!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- D'you want to be in this business? - Don't point at the ladies.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Oh, we're going to have that attitude?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50So you can do attitude now, but you can't do it in the BLEEP number?!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I can be tough, you know.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Ask anyone. You ask Ray Winstone.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Don't tell me where to point,
0:11:55 > 0:11:57or I shall put this where the sun don't shine!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Now I'm giving you the Blair stare!
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I really want it proper, OK?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Five, six, seven, hit it!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07ALL: Hey, you, the rocksteady crew! Show 'em what to do...
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Come on, give me anger! Hate me! Yeah!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12ALL: B-boy, breakers, electric boogaloo!
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Oh, God...
0:12:14 > 0:12:18I'm a showbiz dancer, and it's my job to gild those lilies.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23Hey, what's the matter? Look! You can move your arms, can't you?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I'm sorry, Lionel, I just can't do it, I can't...
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Look, look, look, crying's not going to get you to the top.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30But...
0:12:30 > 0:12:32a little stardust will.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36- SOBBING - I just can't do it.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Oh, for BLEEP sake, come on, let's take it from the top.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40You've got to shake your jugs.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44- OK.- That's it. And shake your jugs, and shake your jugs.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Crotch to the ground, and crotch to the ground.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Lionel Blair's a professional, right down to his little fingertips.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Do your yashmak, that's right.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Keep your eyes closed until you hear the music, then open them!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Cos I want to see danger.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59He's an animal - and he pushes and pushes and pushes
0:12:59 > 0:13:01and pushes just to get that little bit of magic.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02He won't stop.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- Yashmak!- Yashmak. - And cue music!
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Oh, for BLEEP sake, cue music!
0:13:13 > 0:13:17MUSIC STARTS Open your eyes!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Oh, that was excitement! Remember to mime.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Now, one, two, three, shake your jugs! Tush, shake...!
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I've never done dancing before in my life, not since I did dancing
0:13:26 > 0:13:28when I was younger, the Irish dancing and all that,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30but nothing what he had me doing!
0:13:30 > 0:13:32..three, four, blow kisses!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- The camera!- Don't look at the camera, cos it'll kill it!
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I had absolutely no idea how unfit I was
0:13:38 > 0:13:39till I had a session with Lionel.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42He's had this body in positions that would make a whore blush.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45# Cos tonight I'm going to give you my...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47# Don't play games that you're playing
0:13:47 > 0:13:49# Cos you know that I won't run away... #
0:13:49 > 0:13:50I loved doing the Bhangra dance.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52That sari was very slimming.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55# Cos tonight I'm going to give you my... #
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I did try a burqa, you know, but you couldn't hear me sing,
0:13:57 > 0:13:59and I kept falling off the stage.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05She was like dynamite!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07BLEEP hell, he's on his arse, this lad, in't he?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Every time there's a gap, he's in wi' t'wacky catchphrase!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Here's one... HORN HONKS
0:14:12 > 0:14:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:23 > 0:14:24When, erm...
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Did you bring the family down today?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Yeah, I've brought me mum down and me wife, Susan,
0:14:32 > 0:14:33and, erm, me nan.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35LAUGHTER
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- Me nana's come.- She a bit of a character, your nana, is she?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Yeah, she is, God love her. She's, erm...
0:14:40 > 0:14:44She put a flask up on t'train, which is...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46They won't know what that means down here, will they?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- No, it's a flask of tea. - It's a flask of tea.- That's right.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50To put a flask up means you brought...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52We're in first class, I treated 'em.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Sorry, YOU treated us. And, er...
0:14:55 > 0:14:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:58 > 0:14:59In fact...
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I've got the receipts!
0:15:01 > 0:15:03She brought some sandwiches.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06So when they came down, first class, wi' t'trolley,
0:15:06 > 0:15:10we had a Tescos whole nut bar and our sandwiches out,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13and a flask of tea, she said, "The tea's stewed, Peter.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16"Taste that - that's tea. Now that's tea.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18"Now that's tea. That's my tea, that."
0:15:18 > 0:15:20God love her, but she's always coming out with great...
0:15:20 > 0:15:23She said a great thing the other night. Did you see, erm...?
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Cos that were on last Sunday,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Stanley Kubrick's Chocolate Orange, she called it.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31"Did you see A Chocolate Orange? Stanley Kubrick?"
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- That's where you get all your material from.- Me nan, I know.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Well, precisely, I mean, you just... I mean, you do.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I mean, A, that's why you don't leave your roots,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42you like living up there, of course you do,
0:15:42 > 0:15:44but just keep your ears open and it's all there, isn't it?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Yeah, well, it becomes... I don't know where you get it from.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Me mum went to t'library, and said, erm...
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Woman said, "Your Peter's doing very well for himself,
0:15:54 > 0:15:58"but he's always really quiet when he comes in here."
0:15:58 > 0:16:01LAUGHTER It's a library.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02It's a library.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05What does she want me to be?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07LOUDLY Can I just return these, love?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I think one of 'em's overdue, d'you want to check?
0:16:09 > 0:16:10What can you do?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:16 > 0:16:18And you know what I love in t'mornings, when you get up?
0:16:18 > 0:16:23You never get up if it's 8.03 or 8.04 on your clock -
0:16:23 > 0:16:26you always wait till 8.05, don't you? Why?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Always got to round it up to 8.05.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31"I'm not getting up on a bloody odd number,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33"I'm not stupid, am I hell?!
0:16:33 > 0:16:34"Think I am, mad?!
0:16:34 > 0:16:36"Oh, hang on here...
0:16:37 > 0:16:39"I'll get up when this song's finished."
0:16:41 > 0:16:43How long do dads piss for?
0:16:45 > 0:16:46How long?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Once a week for about 20 minutes.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56You look at t'clock, it's 8.07,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58so now you've got to wait till 10 past, eh?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03BOTH: Well, now to a comedian who has certainly brought Bolton to the
0:17:03 > 0:17:05attention of the entire country,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08conjuring up some bizarre characters in the process. Rachel.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Peter Kay burst onto the scene...
0:17:09 > 0:17:12..in 1997, and now with his own series already under his belt,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14plus a Christmas special...
0:17:14 > 0:17:17His second series, Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights, starts on Sunday.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- And...- Yes, he's here tonight.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- What Christmas special?! - If you look at...
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Well, the video, the video in Blackpool was what we meant.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25But if you look on the script, it now says,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28"Peter, be funny for four minutes." Can you do that?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- Well, that's that gone. - I tell you what, though...
0:17:30 > 0:17:33You've spelt me name with an E. See ya! Ta-ra!
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Joining us now is Tony Jenner, the Regional Dental Advisor,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Eric Rooney, who's head of community dentistry in Liverpool,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41and Pauline, a dental nurse, and her daughter Ashley,
0:17:41 > 0:17:43who's kindly come along to help us out.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- First, if I could just ask you, how bad is the situation?- See ya.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- See ya, Peter.- See ya.- Sorry.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- Forgot me key, don't look. - Goodbye.- Ta-ra.- Safe journey.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- Brush those teeth.- Yes, do. So, sorry, how bad is...?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57How bad is the situation across the north-west,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59if that hasn't put you off too much?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- I'm afraid the situation is not very good.- Right.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05I'm shattered!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Knocks you out, this country air, don't it?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Two hours we've been at it.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Go on, it's your turn.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Right, er...
0:18:15 > 0:18:18# Deh-deh-du-deh
0:18:18 > 0:18:20# Deh-deh-duh
0:18:20 > 0:18:22# Deh-duh-deh-deh
0:18:22 > 0:18:24MAX JOINS IN # Deh-du-deh-deh-duh, boom-boom!
0:18:24 > 0:18:26# Deh-deh-duh-deh
0:18:26 > 0:18:28# Duh-duh-da-dum... #
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- The A-Team!- Yeah.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Yeah. I'll tell you who were my favourite in The A-Team.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Howling Mad Murdock!
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I did some laughing at him! He were crackers.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- You can't beat BA, though, eh? - You reckon?- Oh, aye.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46"I ain't gettin' on no plane, fool! I ain't gettin' on no plane!"
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Yeah. Here y'are! Drink this milk, BA.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53"How'd I get here?"
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Yeah! Every week, every week!
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- Tell you another one of my favourites.- Who's that?- Miami Vice.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- Miami Vice! - Crockett and Tubbs, eh?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I modelled meself on those two chancers.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- I tell ya a couple of blokes that'd put them in the shade.- Who?
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Magnet and Steel.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Who?
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Magnet and Steel.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- Magnet and Steel?- Yeah. - I don't remember them.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19When were that on?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22They've never been on. You know why?
0:19:22 > 0:19:23I've created 'em.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25You what?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I've made 'em up.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30They're a couple of cops who operate outside the law,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33and when there's trouble they come together.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Don't tell me - like magnet and steel.- Exactly. Yeah.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I thought it up a while back now.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Erm...
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Take a look at these.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Six years' work here, Patrick.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50These are some drawings I've done of 'em.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53There's the helicopter, Magnet and Steel's helicopter.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55You've got rockets on their helicopter,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57you've got lasers on t'front.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59"Get in, Magnet." "Bang!"
0:19:59 > 0:20:03"I'm evil! I'm evil!" He's chasing him in a tank, look.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- And who's drawn these, you?- Yeah.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09That's Frank Magnet, Tony Steel.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- Is he Chinese? - No, I only had a yellow felt tip.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17There's some of t'weapons that they use - sword, one's got a knife,
0:20:17 > 0:20:19they've got a super-gun.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21He's got... One of 'em's got x-ray glasses.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23He makes them in a secret laboratory.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Fantastic.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Yeah. Magnet and Steel, Paddy.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30You saw it here first, my friend.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Magnet and Steel - the next big thing!
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Technology moves on.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42I remember when we got our very first video in t'early '80s.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44We got, er... I don't know what it were,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46but they had to take the front room window out
0:20:46 > 0:20:48for t'bring it in, it were that big.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Ferguson Videostar.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Top loader, big huge silver thing.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56When you pressed Eject, all t'house used to shake, it were that loud.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Massive. Remote control on a wire, d'you remember that?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Remote control on a wire, you couldn't go that far with it.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06If you were a lad, you couldn't watch a bit of blue
0:21:06 > 0:21:07in t'middle of t'night -
0:21:07 > 0:21:11cos everyone could hear it fast forwarding about three streets away.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14So I've heard. Anyway, no...
0:21:14 > 0:21:17I'll be up in a minute, Mum. I'm, I'm just getting a drink.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22MIMES A LOUD WHIRR Jeez, shut up!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24MIMES LOUD WHIRR Shut up!
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Shut up! MIMES LOUD WHIRR
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Hiya, Mum, y'all right?
0:21:29 > 0:21:33Mum, I'm stuck! I'm stuck, it's got me! Mum, it's got me!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Mum, it's got me skin, it's got me skin!
0:21:36 > 0:21:37It's got me skin, get the remote!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I hope nobody comes in late now.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Going t'casualty with that on you.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I just tripped, I fell into it.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55I tried tracking, I've tried tracking, I've tried everything.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57It's got me, love, it's got me.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59What d'you mean three hours?
0:21:59 > 0:22:00I were naked, yes.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Let's face it, we're lost.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09How can we be lost if we don't know where we are?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11There's no country pubs up here.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13I'm going back, me.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15You can't go back.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17It's too far and it'll be dark soon.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Well, what do you suggest we do?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Well, let's get down here for t'night.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27Sorry, for a second there, I thought you were actually suggesting
0:22:27 > 0:22:28we sleep in the woods.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31You've never been in the armed forces, have you, Patrick?
0:22:31 > 0:22:32- Neither have you. - Have I not?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36I used to cry meself to sleep every night in the Yemen
0:22:36 > 0:22:37dreaming of digs like this.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Now, come on, go and get some bracken and some wood
0:22:39 > 0:22:41and we'll get a fire going.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- We can do this. Come on. - YOU are on your arse.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52When you used to have a video,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54everyone used to have their own tapes, I used to love that.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Mum would have her tape, written on in Biro, "Mum's tape. Do not use."
0:22:59 > 0:23:00"Soldier Soldier. Keep off."
0:23:02 > 0:23:03"Thorn Birds. Leave it!"
0:23:05 > 0:23:09And me dad, me dad used to have a night of labelling.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10He used to get them stickers
0:23:10 > 0:23:13that you get free with blank videos and get on t'floor,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15put t'big light on...
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Laughing - d'you do that?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Get them little numbers you get free.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22"Number 12, number 13...
0:23:22 > 0:23:23"Who's had all the threes off here?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26"Eh? Where have all me number threes gone?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29"I'm going to have to use a B now, turn it upside down,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31"and bite the pissing end off, aren't I?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33"Can't have nothing in this house!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35"Eh? You look wi' your eyes, not wi' your hands!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38"I had a pack of five JVC, thieving gits!"
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Used to buy them an all, video library cases, d'you remember them?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45They were like red imitation leather,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48they made your video tapes look like books. You'd put 'em inside...
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Used to put 'em in t'alcove, in t'corner, all lined up
0:23:51 > 0:23:55like Encyclopaedia Britannica, in that wooden unit behind glass -
0:23:55 > 0:23:57cos me dad were a dwarf.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00His friends would come round -
0:24:00 > 0:24:03"Hey, Mick, you're doing a lot of reading."
0:24:03 > 0:24:05"They're not books, they're not...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07"They look like books but they're not, come here.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11"It's a video - hey presto!
0:24:12 > 0:24:16"There's a tape in there, video, always thinking.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18"E.T., that - pirate copy."
0:24:20 > 0:24:23We gave that Ferguson Videostar to Gran and Grandad
0:24:23 > 0:24:26when we got a new one from Tandy, a new video.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I remember going round one Christmas.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30"Hello?" "We're in t'kitchen."
0:24:30 > 0:24:33"What are you doing in here? Have you had a row?" "No."
0:24:33 > 0:24:35"I thought you were taping Wizard Of Oz?" They said, "We are."
0:24:35 > 0:24:37"So why don't you go and watch it?"
0:24:37 > 0:24:40She went, "Well, we didn't want to talk cos it'll come out on t'video."
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Me grandad used to put a cushion over t'clock!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Whenever they went out. Video clock.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52"What are you doing?" "Putting a cushion over t'clock."
0:24:52 > 0:24:54"Why?" "I'll tell you why.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57"Because if any burglars are walking past,
0:24:57 > 0:24:59"and they see that clock flashing,
0:24:59 > 0:25:03"they'll be in and they'll bloody whip that thing away..."
0:25:03 > 0:25:07I said, "Whip it away? It took three blokes to deliver, it's that big!"
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Did you do that? Cushion on the clock!
0:25:25 > 0:25:29Ah-ha, see? Now that's a fire.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I told you you'd enjoy yourself, didn't I?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33MAX CHUCKLES
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Oh, yeah, it's going to be good, this.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38What's that you're burning?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50I can't believe you burnt me drawings.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were being serious.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Yeah, well, you better sleep with one eye open tonight, son,
0:25:56 > 0:25:58d'you hear me?
0:25:58 > 0:25:59MAX YELLS
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Bloody stinging nettles!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03I told you not to put them shorts on.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Well, I didn't know I were going to be sleeping out here, did I?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Eh? Smart arse!- All right, all right, keep your shorts on.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15And if you miss any of these programmes now -
0:26:15 > 0:26:17not that you can, cos they're looped every hour -
0:26:17 > 0:26:19you can get on t'internet now, get an iPlayer or 4OD,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22you can download... You can download onto your thigh-phone now!
0:26:22 > 0:26:24You can watch it when you're going to work,
0:26:24 > 0:26:26your battery only lasts six minutes, but...
0:26:26 > 0:26:28My whole life's on charge. Are you the same?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31I can't sleep at night for green flashing lights in t'bedroom.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I'm like, Christ Almighty! Bloody spaceship!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Texting? I've got that bad with texting now,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I don't even give me mum three rings when I get anywhere anymore.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I just text her the words, "Three rings." Send.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48That's an illness.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52That's a disease, that. I got a silent call on me home phone.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54You know when they don't speak?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57And I were coming out of t'bedroom in t'morning,
0:26:57 > 0:26:58I answered it... "Hello?"
0:26:58 > 0:27:01But I could hear someone breathing so I knew they were there.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03"I can hear you breathing. Hello? Can you hear me?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05"I can hear you breathing."
0:27:05 > 0:27:07I thought, "It's some weirdo.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09"Two can play at this game, dickhead. It's all right.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13"You want a war, you've got a war." So I sat on t'stairs and I waited.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I waited for a good 40 minutes, I sat there -
0:27:15 > 0:27:17and then it started freaking me out.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20So I thought, "Oh, no, I've had enough of this." So I went...
0:27:20 > 0:27:22I hung up, put it back in its holster in t'kitchen.
0:27:22 > 0:27:27Anyway, I went off, I did some bits, like, I bleached me cloths.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29And, er... Well, you've got to.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32And then I came back after about 20 minutes,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35and I picked it up again, and there were a dialling tone.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38So I did 1471, and there were a number. I thought, "Ah!
0:27:38 > 0:27:39"I've got you, bastard."
0:27:42 > 0:27:45So I pressed 3 - and me mobile rang in me pocket.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I must have bent down in t'bedroom, picked me slippers up
0:27:56 > 0:27:57and accidentally dialled our house,
0:27:57 > 0:27:59so now I'm sat halfway down t'stairs,
0:27:59 > 0:28:04listening to meself breathing via satellite for 40 minutes!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Cost me 62 pound, that call!
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much, good night!