0:00:25 > 0:00:30Leonard has lived on his own since his mother's death 23 years ago.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32He's unable to officially work
0:00:32 > 0:00:36because he suffers from angina and is registered as disabled,
0:00:36 > 0:00:37but he remains active
0:00:37 > 0:00:40by participating in numerous charity events
0:00:40 > 0:00:42and, of course, doing his paper round.
0:00:42 > 0:00:47- How do you feel about tonight? - It's fantastic. I've not slept.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48I've a million and more things to do.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51I don't know how I'm going to fit it all in.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53I can't believe it. Me, getting an award!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I've never won anything before.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Oh, I tell a lie and close one eye.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I once won a paint by numbers set, but the blue was missing - ships.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03And I once won a CB radio - it's here - for muscular dystrophy.
0:01:03 > 0:01:08Here. 10-4, 10-4, good buddy. Eyeball.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10This is Bernie's Boy, do you copy? Over.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I've got a convoy. It needs an aerial.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Do you ever get lonely?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19No, never, never. I've lots of friends, you see.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I think if you've got lots of friends, loneliness...
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Sorry. ..loneliness never shows its face.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28I tried it once, for about half an hour, but I kept laughing.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30The funny nun! She boxes for God.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33She's like none other. Jab, Sister. Jab, jab!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Come on, Captain. Hometime.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40I want to lock up.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Captain!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Time's time, cock. Ship ahoy!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Shit!
0:01:49 > 0:01:54- Well?- He's dead, Brian.- Oh, my God! He CAN'T be dead.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- Who's going to do the bloody door now?- Captain!
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- Come on, Captain, lad, wake up. - He can't hear you.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00It's one of the conditions of being dead.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- I've never seen a dead body before. - I've seen hundreds, me.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- I used to bag them up in 'Nam. - We're going to swing for this.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- We'll swing for this. - We didn't kill him!
0:02:08 > 0:02:11We didn't kill him, no, but Smoky frigging Robinson did over there.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13He's a psycho! How many more's he going to notch up?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I think he's had an asthma attack.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16I'm not surprised with all this smoke!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- He was bad with angina and all. - He was, he was.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- He was asthmatic.- He was. - He was asthmatic.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Put him in the Pennine suite.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- Why?- Why? Because in here, it's murder.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Next door, it's natural causes. Go on, stick him in there.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- Oh, shit!- Whoa, whoa!
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I don't just deliver my papers.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39I deliver the good news of the Lord as well.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I've always been a believer in something higher and divine.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45God's been good to me, but not just to me - to us all.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48He gave us the greatest gift - the gift of life.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50And we should live it to the max.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Every day is a blessing, every day is a gift.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Life's an adventure, but people, they get so busy
0:02:56 > 0:02:59living their lives, that they forget that he's there for them.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02That's why I spread his good news. One God and one love.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Let's get together and feel all right. Bob Marley.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Hey, how does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Wi' jam in. We're jammin' - get it? Are you having that one?
0:03:19 > 0:03:24You all right, cockers? How you doing? All right? Lovely now.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Brighter, isn't it?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28You ever been on television before?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31I'm getting an award tonight, that's why they're with me.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33For being the oldest paper boy -
0:03:33 > 0:03:36well, paper man - in the country, yeah.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41I might do your papers. You might have read about me. Do you believe?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I do. I found God in Fleetwood in 1970.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49- Don't go near the road. - Oh, stay away from the road.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Bless, kids. I used to be one.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Don't cry. It's all right, don't cry.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- It's OK. What's his name?- Tommy.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Tommy, don't cry. I've got a joke for you.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Little lad says to his grandad, "Will you make a noise like a frog?"
0:04:04 > 0:04:05His grandad said, "Why?"
0:04:05 > 0:04:09He said, "Cos my dad said when you croak, we're going to Florida."
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Are you having that one?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- Are you going to tell him to behave?- No.- Are you all right?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Are you all right? Up you go, little fellow. Up you go.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Hey! Get off me, you dick!
0:04:19 > 0:04:22LAUGHTER
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Who are these idiots that go home in their holiday clothes?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Who? Where are you?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Who...? What...? These people who travel home practically naked.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40What do they think the weather's going to be like here? It's minus 6!
0:04:40 > 0:04:43With vest tops and straw hats and shorts on.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46# We're going home, we're going home, we're going home... #
0:04:46 > 0:04:49With their duty-free clinking in the bag.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Hey! LAUGHTER
0:04:52 > 0:04:53They're not laughing though.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56No, they're not laughing at five o'clock in the morning,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- when they're grouchy as- BLEEP - and all their hair's stuck up,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02half asleep, pissed off...
0:05:02 > 0:05:06face all creased. "Grr, I'm half asleep." Getting off the plane.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09"Move up, move up, get off the plane. Come on, get off."
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Running. Baggage carousels. The baggage carousels.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14You know, when they run for the baggage carousels.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17"Get a trolley, get a trolley! Marie, get a trolley!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19"Run, run! Hurry up!" Doing that running,
0:05:19 > 0:05:22that run, where they run like that. "Get in, get in, get in.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25"Get up, get up to it. There's a yellow line.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27"Fuck that! Get right in. Get in, get in, get in.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30"Right up to it. Get your trolley in. Connie, get your trolley in.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- "BLEEP,- Connie, get back. Get in. Marie, ring Andrea.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37"Tell her we're back. Go on. I can't do two things at once, can I?
0:05:37 > 0:05:41I'll be here! Freezing, pissed off, with hair stuck up.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42"I'm here, that's where I am!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44"That's it. Right up to the yellow line.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48"Right up to the thingy. Don't get... Connie, get in. Get in, love.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50"Back, you! I'm in here!"
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Like, angry.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56"Where are they? Where are they? Come on, suitcase. Where are you?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59"Come on suitcase!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03"I'm freezing. Come on, bag. Come on, bag."
0:06:03 > 0:06:06It's a bag. It's inanimate. LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:09"Suitcase, come on, suitcase. Where are you?"
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Then that thing starts moving. Nothing comes.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15"They're coming now.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20"Where are these bags? I could have loaded these off myself!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22"Where are they? Plane's only over there!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24"I could have done this myself! Where are they?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27"Quarter to six. Come on."
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Oh, bags are off. They're off. They're all on the trolleys.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Some lad looking through the black flaps like that.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:35 > 0:06:38"They're all there, Steve." LAUGHTER
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- "Are they? Oh,- BLEEP.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44"Another five minutes."
0:06:45 > 0:06:48"Come on, come on! Where are you? Come on!"
0:06:48 > 0:06:51"Are they freezing?" "Yeah, they're freezing, yeah."
0:06:51 > 0:06:53LAUGHTER
0:06:53 > 0:06:55"Where's that spare case? Where's that spare case?"
0:06:55 > 0:06:57LAUGHTER
0:06:57 > 0:06:59"Put that spare case on. Put that spare case on."
0:06:59 > 0:07:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "That'll do."
0:07:01 > 0:07:03"Come on! Come on!
0:07:03 > 0:07:06"Oh, they're here now, they're here now. At last, eh!"
0:07:08 > 0:07:10LAUGHTER
0:07:10 > 0:07:14"Come on! What are you doing? One case at a time? God almighty!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16"Come on, will you? Come on."
0:07:16 > 0:07:19"Hey, Alan, where's that pram?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21"Stick that pram on. Where's that pram?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24"Yeah, put that pram on." LAUGHTER
0:07:24 > 0:07:28"A pram! What's a pram doing? Quarter past six! Come on!"
0:07:28 > 0:07:31It's like a violent Generation Game. "Come on!"
0:07:31 > 0:07:33And they start coming through.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35"Hey, here we are. Come on. This is ours here,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37"with ribbon tied round the handle, so you know it's your bag.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40"This is ours here. Come on. This is mine here.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43"Get off it. It's my bag! Get off now! That's it.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45"Put it back, dickhead. That's mine now.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46"Not it's not. Let it go."
0:07:46 > 0:07:49LAUGHTER
0:07:49 > 0:07:52It amazes me how people can get bored with it.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54My mum used to say, "How can you get bored with life
0:07:54 > 0:07:57"when you don't know what's coming next?" It's true.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00The thing I love most about doing my papers
0:08:00 > 0:08:02is the different people I see, you know - so many.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05I share their troubles and their happy times
0:08:05 > 0:08:08and I watch the children grow up and get married and move on.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I think it's fascinating.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13He said, "Cos my dad says when you croak, we're going to Florida."
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Croak?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- I got your diabetic chocolate. - Thanks very much.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- It might have melted a bit in my sack.- Never mind, love.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Hey, I like your cagoule.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Yeah, well, you don't know, do you, what it's going to be like?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- It's raining then sunshine.- I know.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- This weather, Leonard, it can't make its mind up. I blame NASA.- What?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- Hey, you all set for tonight? - I am, yeah.- Course.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- I've got a million and one things to do.- Ah.- I best get a wriggle on.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- I'll see you tomorrow.- Thanks for bring these for us, Leonard.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Ta-ra, love.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Hey, is that Turkey George?
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Oi! That's Turkey George! Hey, do you know him?
0:08:49 > 0:08:54He's a right character. He drives a big flash car. That's his car.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56He has a boot full of turkeys.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00He's at Bolton market on Tuesdays and Chorley market on Thursdays.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03He sells them, as God is my witness.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04"Turkey's going cheap".
0:09:04 > 0:09:07That's his motto - "Going cheap", turkeys.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11He's a right laugh. All right?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Yeah, not bad.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16It's not him. It's not him.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19LAUGHTER
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I bought a paddling pool
0:09:21 > 0:09:24and I spent all day pumping it up with a hand pump
0:09:24 > 0:09:26and by the time I'd finished,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29the sun was setting. And I had it outside,
0:09:29 > 0:09:32and my mum came up and I said, "Do you like my paddling pool?"
0:09:32 > 0:09:35And she said, "Don't leave it out in the sun. It'll pop."
0:09:35 > 0:09:36LAUGHTER
0:09:36 > 0:09:39And for a split second, I thought, "She's right."
0:09:39 > 0:09:44So, I lifted it up and I rolled it straight onto a thorn bush!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:50- And it went... It went tsssss.- Ah.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- And I actually started to fill up. - Ah.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55And I just thought, "What are you talking about?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58"It'll pop in the heat! Why did I listen to you?"
0:09:58 > 0:09:59But these are the joys of fatherhood.
0:09:59 > 0:10:04I know, but... No, that's before we had children! That's six years ago!
0:10:04 > 0:10:05LAUGHTER
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Leonard calls at Harry Haroon's newsagent's,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10the pick-up point for his afternoon round.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12You all right?
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Ooh, these are heavy!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Yeah, bastards have stuck a Tandy catalogue in this week.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Haven't you got your car, Leonard?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20No, it's being mended, but I've got my trusty trolley,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- so it shouldn't take me long. - All right then.- All right.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- I won't be long. God bless. - All right, take care.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27See you. I wouldn't want to be you.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I mean, he's Leonard, really. He's harmless enough.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Just a bit eccentric, really.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35He's done the papers round here for years, you know.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Used to do them with his mum, Bernie. She were a rum bugger.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42She never let him go anywhere on his own, you know.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I can see him today, doing his paper round in all weathers,
0:10:45 > 0:10:47pushing this huge pram round.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Ah, but it's good he's getting some sort of award, you know.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I mean, half the women round here would be lost without him.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55What do you mean?
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Well, they have him running errands left, right and bloody centre.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02They have him painting, shopping, up ladders, down spouts.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05One woman, last summer, had him lagging all her tanks.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07It takes him three hours to do his bloody paper round.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Harry, have you got any poppers? - Are you blind? I'm filming!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Try them there. Pure gold. Blow your tits off.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20No, at least Leonard's honest.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Half the lads dump their papers in the canal, you know.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- I'll have these then and that Twix. - Will you shift?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Here we are in Bolton and me and the gang are in town
0:11:30 > 0:11:32to do another Doorstep Challenge.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34DOORBELL RINGS
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I don't care whose it is! It's floating!
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Hello, would you swap these two large packets of ordinary powder
0:11:41 > 0:11:43for your one packet of biological powder?
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Yeah, yeah.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Here you are.
0:11:53 > 0:11:59#..The thundering rain and there's something in the air... #
0:12:10 > 0:12:14INAUDIBLE
0:12:14 > 0:12:18MUSIC: Don't Get Me Wrong by The Pretenders
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Bloody hell, look at all these!
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Ah, come on. Come and see Auntie Kayleigh.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- Argh!- Argh! He's on the car! HE BEEPS HORN
0:12:37 > 0:12:39KAYLEIGH SCREAMS God almighty!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- Put the wipers on. - Don't! You'll scare it!
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Hip-yay! Go! There should be signs up.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46This place has gone downhill.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- I'd love to have a little monkey, wouldn't you?- No, I wouldn't.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- Argh!- Oh, oh, they're fighting, they're fighting! Oh!- Oh!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Oh, oh, they're on the back!
0:12:55 > 0:12:59- Frig!- They're trying to get in!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- Oh, oh!- They're everywhere!
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Hello, hello!
0:13:03 > 0:13:05This is NOT a good day out!
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Look at these! He's on your mirror! He's on your mirror!
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- Ah, look at him, John.- Get off!
0:13:11 > 0:13:15- John!- Bollocks to them! Look at this one on my wing mirror!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Oh, hello!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Off there now!
0:13:19 > 0:13:20It's making me broody.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- How's THAT making you broody? - Is it not you?
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Look at this one here with his dick out. Bold as brass. Oh, look at it.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29This is wrong, this! We should be at work.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- You'd rather be at work than see that?- Yeah.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36What you doing? Wait, don't... Don't take a picture!
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Our Mandy will love that!
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- KAYLEIGH LAUGHS - She'll have that as her screensaver.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48With only a few hours to go until the start of the awards,
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Leonard makes a special visit
0:13:49 > 0:13:54to mobile hairdresser and long-time family friend Jackie Busher.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Hiya, cockers, are you ready for your four o'clock?
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Well, I was at four o'clock! It's quarter to five now. Come in.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02HE QUACKS Hey, that duck's back.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03- Hey, you!- Hey.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- This is my Auntie Jackie. Say hello, Jackie.- Hello.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- What we having for dinner? - You, on a butty.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Right, what you having, handsome? Some highlights? Streaks?
0:14:18 > 0:14:23- Streaks? What will my girlfriend say?- You probably killed them all.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25LEONARD CHUCKLES
0:14:25 > 0:14:28CAR APPROACHES
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Nice here, isn't it?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Used to some here all the time when I were a kid, with my dad.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38We used to get train over.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41RADIO PLAYS DROPS OF JUPITER BY TRAIN
0:14:41 > 0:14:43What's that?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46What the hell's that?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50What the fuck? MONKEY GROWLS
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- Get out quick!- What? - There's a monkey on the roof!- Argh!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Go on, get off!
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- Yip-yay.- Oh, it's a little baby one.- Little baby?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- The bastard will rip your face off! Get back!- Don't be daft.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05- Want some Curly Wurly? Yes, you do. - Don't give it a Curly Wurly!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- MONKEY GROWLS - Oh.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09MONKEY GROWLS
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Christ, that were a struggle! Little swine!
0:15:12 > 0:15:17- You all right?- All right? I'm cut to bloody ribbons. Look at my clothes!
0:15:18 > 0:15:21This is every shade of wrong, this. We're going to get screwed for this.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- Kidnapping a monkey is a serious crime.- Well, it wasn't OUR fault.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I can't believe we drove all the way with him on the roof
0:15:27 > 0:15:29and nobody stopped us.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I wondered why all those cars were flashing us.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34How are we going to get him back?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36You think they'd notice a missing monkey.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- Did they not do a head count? - Maybe he's not from there.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- RADIO:- # While riding home in my car
0:15:42 > 0:15:46# My happy radio is never too far... #
0:15:46 > 0:15:48You'd have liked my mum.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50You'd have liked her.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Mum used to say she had a bad time with me,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55said she were in labour for 36 hours
0:15:55 > 0:15:58and then nurse noticed they hadn't taken her tights off.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00FILM-MAKER LAUGHS
0:16:00 > 0:16:03That's not a joke. That's true, that.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I know people think I'm odd, you know.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09But I think everybody's odd.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11You, what hand do you wipe your bum with, you?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Go on, what hand do you wipe your bum with?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- My left hand.- Ha, you see, I use toilet paper. Eh?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Eh? Who's odd now? YOU are.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24LAUGHTER
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Look what I found backstage!
0:16:36 > 0:16:39AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:16:45 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- Do you want to rock? AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- I said do you want to rock? AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:17:04 > 0:17:07HE "PLAYS" ELECTRIC GUITAR
0:17:11 > 0:17:14LAUGHTER
0:17:15 > 0:17:18HE "PLAYS" INTRO TO WHATEVER YOU WANT BY STATUS QUO
0:17:21 > 0:17:24LAUGHTER
0:17:38 > 0:17:40AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:17:44 > 0:17:46AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG
0:17:55 > 0:17:58HE "PLAYS" WHATEVER YOU WANT BY STATUS QUO
0:18:11 > 0:18:13FIREWORKS EXPLODE
0:18:15 > 0:18:19HE MOUTHS
0:18:19 > 0:18:21LAUGHTER
0:18:26 > 0:18:28# When the day is dawning
0:18:30 > 0:18:33# On a Texas Sunday morning
0:18:33 > 0:18:37# Is this the way to Amarillo
0:18:37 > 0:18:40# And sweet Marie who waits for me?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45# Sha-la-la, la-la, la-la-la
0:18:46 > 0:18:48# Sha-la-la, la-la, la-la-la
0:18:50 > 0:18:52# Sha-la-la, la-la, la-la-la
0:18:53 > 0:18:56# And Marie who waits for me. #
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Yes!
0:18:57 > 0:19:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:02 > 0:19:05LAUGHTER
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- Oh, no, it's closed.- Closed?!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14You're having a laugh! I've got a monkey on board.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17How can it be closed? There must be a number or something. Anything?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- No, there's a website.- That'll do. - Give us your phone.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- No internet. Nothing.- Oh! - Is there a number?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- Have you got any receipt or anything?- Hold on, hold on.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- Here we go. There's a number on the receipt there.- That'll do.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Hang on a minute. KAYLEIGH KISSES AT THE MONKEY
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- What's it doing? - He's eating a Werther's.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Jesus, get it off it! It'll choke. We can't bring it back if it's dead!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- It's just spat it out. He doesn't like them either.- No bugger does.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51PHONE RINGS Bluetooth.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- ANSWERING MACHINE:- Welcome to Seaview Safari Park.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Sorry, but we've all gone home for the day
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- and all our animals are tucked up in bed.- This one's not!
0:19:59 > 0:20:03We're open every day except Christmas. For more information...
0:20:03 > 0:20:07What about when you're shut? Neh! That can't be it!
0:20:07 > 0:20:10What kind of show are they running? I said this place had gone downhill.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- What are we going to do now?- Um...
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- RSPCA? They do animals. - Do we not just call the police?
0:20:17 > 0:20:18- Let them deal with it.- The police?
0:20:18 > 0:20:24- Oh, we're supposed to be keeping a low profile!- Oh, I'll just call 999.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- Is it an emergency?- Yeah, I'll say!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Just nearly lost a nose! Little bastard!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- RADIO:- This is a lovely raspberry compote tune.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35OK, thanks. Bye. They'll be here as soon as they can.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- That's all we need. - What are we doing?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I'm trying to get it to sleep. Is it working?
0:20:42 > 0:20:46- OMG! You've got to get a picture of this, John.- Why, what is he doing?
0:20:46 > 0:20:51- He's got Sophie's sunglasses on. It's so cute!- Get them off his head!
0:20:51 > 0:20:54It's like a little Elton John. Clever!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57I can't believe this is happening. It's like some shit comedy.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59RADIO PLAYS HIPS DON'T LIE BY SHAKIRA
0:20:59 > 0:21:04Take music up. Get it to sleep. Hips don't lie.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Oh, the dirty little bastard!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- Hey, hey, hey!- What just happened?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14It just took a piss! That's what happened!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17John, is this dangerous? Have we got a monkey virus?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Can you smell that? That's potent!
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- That is strong piss!- Eurgh!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26It's leaving its scent.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Double shovel!
0:21:36 > 0:21:40HE "PLAYS" INTRO TO EYE OF THE TIGER BY SURVIVOR
0:21:54 > 0:21:56FIREWORKS EXPLODE
0:22:06 > 0:22:08# When I wake up
0:22:08 > 0:22:10# Well, I know I'm going to be
0:22:10 > 0:22:13# I'm going to be the man who wakes up next to you
0:22:13 > 0:22:15# And when I go out
0:22:15 > 0:22:18# Well, I know I'm going to be
0:22:18 > 0:22:21# I'm going to be the man who goes along with you
0:22:22 > 0:22:26# And I would walk 500 miles
0:22:26 > 0:22:30# And I would walk 500 more
0:22:30 > 0:22:35# Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles
0:22:35 > 0:22:38# To fall down at your door
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- # Da da da da AUDIENCE:- Da da da da
0:22:40 > 0:22:42- # Da da da da AUDIENCE:- Da da da da
0:22:42 > 0:22:46# Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da, come on!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- # Da da da da AUDIENCE:- Da da da da
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- # Da da da da AUDIENCE:- Da da da da
0:22:50 > 0:22:53# Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. #
0:22:55 > 0:22:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I played a shovel!
0:23:09 > 0:23:11A round of applause there, please, for Doreen Gash,
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Bolton's Best Lollipop Lady, 1999.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17We're reaching the end of the ceremony.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21It's nearly time for Leonard to step up and receive his award.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Now, we come to the final award of this prestigious evening,
0:23:25 > 0:23:29the Graham Whitehead Award for Achievement in the Bolton Community.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31A very special award this year.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Someone who's touched all our hearts over the years and our letterboxes.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40And here to present the award, a very special guest indeed.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42They've just... Or should I say "guests".
0:23:42 > 0:23:44They've just hotfooted it across
0:23:44 > 0:23:46from the current production of Oliver!
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Please welcome TV's own Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Thank you.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57It's an honour, an honour and a privilege
0:23:57 > 0:23:59to be here at your award ceremony, isn't it, Spit?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01SPIT SPITS
0:24:01 > 0:24:03So, without further ado, I'm going to present an award
0:24:03 > 0:24:06to a man whose recognition is long overdue.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Not unlike some of his newspapers!
0:24:09 > 0:24:13So, the 1999 Graham Whitehead Award
0:24:13 > 0:24:16for Achievement in the Bolton Community
0:24:16 > 0:24:20goes to Leonard de Tomkinson. Come on, Leonard!
0:24:20 > 0:24:24- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Yes!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Congratulations, Leonard. Well done.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34No wonder the dogs go for you, smelling like that, Leonard.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37It's like a very fine French brothel. No it isn't like a brothel.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40What do you mean you didn't know flares had come back into fashion.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43That's a lovely tailored demob suit. No, it isn't.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46What hand... What hand do you wipe your bum with?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Do you want to say a few words, Leonard?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Um...
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Er...
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I don't know what to say now.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Little lad says to his grandad, "Will you make a noise like a frog?"
0:25:05 > 0:25:06His grandad said, "Why?"
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Cheers, guv, thanks.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- That's that. - Oh, did you hear it crying?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Bollocks to it!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Seen the state of my back seat? It still stinks of piss in here.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Smells like sugar puffs.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I've a good mind to send them the cleaning bill.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32- That bobby says it's happening twice a week.- What a shame.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Back in its cage now. Do you think it'll miss us?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER
0:25:40 > 0:25:42No, I do not.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Tim, can you take those lights down a bit, please, sir?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Oh, no, a touch more. A touch more.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56LAUGHTER Take the piss!
0:25:58 > 0:26:02# I've taken my bows
0:26:02 > 0:26:05# And my curtain calls
0:26:06 > 0:26:10# You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it
0:26:10 > 0:26:12# I thank you all
0:26:13 > 0:26:16# But it's been no bed of roses
0:26:17 > 0:26:20# No pleasure cruise
0:26:21 > 0:26:25# I consider this a challenge before all the human race
0:26:25 > 0:26:28# And I'll never lose
0:26:38 > 0:26:44# We are the champions, my friends
0:26:45 > 0:26:51# And we'll keep on fighting till the end
0:26:53 > 0:26:57# We are the champions
0:26:57 > 0:27:00# We are the champions
0:27:00 > 0:27:04# No time for losers
0:27:04 > 0:27:09# Cos we are the champions
0:27:10 > 0:27:16# We are the champions, my friends
0:27:18 > 0:27:24# And we'll keep on fighting till the end
0:27:25 > 0:27:29# We are the champions
0:27:29 > 0:27:33# We are the champions
0:27:33 > 0:27:36# No time for losers
0:27:36 > 0:27:42# Cos we are the champions
0:27:44 > 0:27:57# Of the world. #
0:27:57 > 0:27:59EXPLOSION
0:27:59 > 0:28:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE