0:00:04 > 0:00:09Norman Stanley Fletcher, you pleaded guilty to the charges.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11It is now my duty to pass sentence.
0:00:14 > 0:00:19You're an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest and imprisonment as occupational hazards.
0:00:26 > 0:00:31We therefore commit you to the maximum term allowed.
0:00:31 > 0:00:37You will go to prison for five years.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40MEN SING: # The holly and the ivy
0:00:40 > 0:00:42# When they are both full grown,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46# Of all the trees that are in the wood
0:00:46 > 0:00:49# The holly bears the crown
0:00:49 > 0:00:54# The rising of the sun, And the running of the deer
0:00:54 > 0:00:59# The playing of the merry organ... #
0:01:06 > 0:01:11SINGING DRIFTS UP
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Ta.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Making a card? Yeah. It's for my brother George.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21It's not very seasonal, is it? It IS for George - he's only allowed it once a year.
0:01:24 > 0:01:30Can you hear the carols? Yeah, shut the door. Don't you like it?
0:01:30 > 0:01:36They only know four carols. And some of the words are a bit suspect.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Shepherds didn't wear socks in them days.
0:01:39 > 0:01:45I find it rather moving - all them blokes united in exultation.
0:01:45 > 0:01:50Don't be daft. They're drowning the row of Tommy Slocombe's tunnelling!
0:01:50 > 0:01:57Tunnelling? Yeah, it's not the coming of our Lord, it's the going of Tommy Slocombe!
0:01:57 > 0:02:06Nobody tells me nothing. It was a secret between him, six baritones, 12 tenors and a soprano!
0:02:06 > 0:02:10We've got a soprano?! We've got lotsa-pranos here, mate!
0:02:10 > 0:02:15Watch out for the baritones, too. DEEP VOICE: "Hello, sonny..."
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Where's the tunnel?
0:02:18 > 0:02:24Where's the choir? Outside Cell 28. It's three foot under Cell 29, then.
0:02:24 > 0:02:30Give us a biscuit. At least it brings an air of festivity into our existence.
0:02:30 > 0:02:36There's a carol service and a tree, too. Very useful, that tree.
0:02:36 > 0:02:42Yeah, them dingly-danglies hide a multitude of sins, you know.
0:02:42 > 0:02:47Even the fairy's got two ounces of tobacco stuffed up her tutu!
0:02:49 > 0:02:52No wonder she looks uncomfortable.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Where did it come from?
0:02:54 > 0:03:01The Governor's office. It was a present for Mr Mackay. Welsh George did a nifty switch.
0:03:01 > 0:03:08What did he leave in its place? He left an identical gift-wrapped parcel.
0:03:08 > 0:03:15What's in it? Well, if he uses it for putty, his windows will fall out!
0:03:17 > 0:03:21What's Christmas Day like in here, Fletch?
0:03:21 > 0:03:29Slightly less 'orrible than the other days. The Governor don't dress up as Santa Claus, you know.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Yeah, but we get turkey, don't we?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36They CALL it turkey, but we can't be sure.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41If it IS, then last year's turkey must have been a very funny shape -
0:03:41 > 0:03:4428 legs and no breast!
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Like Lulu and the Young Generation!
0:03:51 > 0:03:56Hey, that's really good. Can I use it in my after-dinner speech?
0:03:56 > 0:04:01Do we get Christmas pudding with cream?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05It's that artificial muck like shaving cream.
0:04:05 > 0:04:13And the wheeler-dealers are busy at this time of year. Genial Harry Grout has granted a few franchises.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17And young Terry's flogging mistletoe to the poofters.
0:04:17 > 0:04:23People forget the real meaning of Christmas. It's so commercial.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26What do you expect from Mackay?
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Christmas Day'll be OK, though? Not this year -
0:04:30 > 0:04:33thanks to that flaming tunnel.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35It spells disaster to us all.
0:04:35 > 0:04:43Tommy Slocombe has ONLY chosen to make his break on Christmas Eve! He won't get through the traffic.
0:04:43 > 0:04:50Only six more digging days left to Christmas, then! It's not funny, Godber.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53This escape will implicate us all.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Slocombe's a nurk. Nobody will help HIM.
0:04:57 > 0:05:03Slocombe's related to a big villain who's a mate of genial Harry Grout.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08Now, Harry's got the word to get the kid out for Christmas.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13So, if we are asked to assist, we cannot refuse, can we, eh?
0:05:13 > 0:05:18We'd wake up one morning and find two more things hanging on the tree!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22US! Right?
0:05:23 > 0:05:27I ain't going down no tunnel. I get claustrophobia.
0:05:27 > 0:05:35Do you? Yeah, it started when I was stuck in a chimney for two hours. Oh, yeah? What happened?
0:05:35 > 0:05:40I was going to turn over this house and the chimney was the only way in.
0:05:40 > 0:05:47My victims came home and found my feet sticking out the fireplace. I got away, though.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Did the police get a description?
0:05:50 > 0:05:57Yeah, but I was covered in soot. They probably looked for a blue-eyed negro in a black suit!
0:05:57 > 0:06:02There was two of you, then? No, I was... Oh, never mind.
0:06:02 > 0:06:09So, that's why I'm claustrophobic. Well, it might get you off tunnelling duties,
0:06:09 > 0:06:14but I tell you, when Slocombe's out of it, we'll be well IN it.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19It'll upset the equilibrium of prison life. Equilibrium?
0:06:19 > 0:06:24It'll tilt the balance of power between the law and the villain.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28It'll push the system a bit too far.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Well, there's nothing WE can do, is there?
0:06:32 > 0:06:39I know what I'M doing. I'm gonna be well out of it. How? I'm going away for Christmas.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Where to? Majorca (?)
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Nah, everyone goes to Majorca, don't they?
0:06:46 > 0:06:50I thought the prison hospital, for a change.
0:06:50 > 0:06:58It's the only holiday you get here, and it gets me away from retaliation by the screws over this escape.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01You'll never get past the doctor.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04What's wrong with you? It's my knee.
0:07:04 > 0:07:11I never knew you had a bad knee. That's because I've kept it up my sleeve!
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Or, to be precise, up my trouser leg.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17What's wrong with it? Cartilage.
0:07:18 > 0:07:23What are you laughing at? I've lived with the pain for years.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28Lately, due to the damp weather, the pain has become unbearable.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Which knee is it? Eh? Which knee?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33That one.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36..Or is it that one?
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Ooh! Am I hurting you?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Yeah, but you've got your job to do.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47It's a bad burn. I know!
0:07:47 > 0:07:50What are you so pleased about?
0:07:50 > 0:07:54It's no use getting hurt here if it's trivial.
0:07:54 > 0:07:59I can't work with this hand. I must reluctantly agree.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03But I think I could make it to the infirmary...
0:08:03 > 0:08:07You're confined to your cell for three days.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12I can't manage in a cell alone, with my hand tied up.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15It may not look much, but...
0:08:15 > 0:08:20You are NOT going to the sick bay. Understood?
0:08:20 > 0:08:28You don't like having us in your infirmary. No, the sheets get dirty. Next!
0:08:28 > 0:08:35Hold this dressing in place. I'll bandage you up shortly. Give me your card.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Out of here, Fletcher! I've got my card.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Out, out, out! I'm sick. OUT!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I'm entitled.
0:08:52 > 0:08:59I can tell at a glance if a man is sick or not. YOU'RE a perfect specimen of manhood.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03I haven't come about THAT - it's my knee.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06What's wrong with your knee?
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Ask me to stand on one leg. What?!
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Ask me to stand on one leg. Go on, ask!
0:09:16 > 0:09:19All right. Stand on one leg!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26And you call yourself a doctor!
0:09:26 > 0:09:32Get up, Fletcher. I don't think I can. Sit in the chair.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34What is it? I'll show you.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41There it is. There is what? There's my KNEE.
0:09:41 > 0:09:46I know it's a knee, Fletcher. I learnt that at medical school.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51You didn't learn about this kind of knee. It's the old trouble again.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54What trouble? Laziness? Cartilage!
0:09:54 > 0:09:59It's all in my records. I have an official history of knee trouble.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03I don't believe you. So, check it out.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Why am I doing this?
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Because there's just a chance that I'm telling the truth.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18What's that? A Christmas cake - I get one every year.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Who for? The infirmary patients. There aren't any!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25True. I give it to the wife.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29That's good for a prison, eh? What?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32A file with a cake in it! Get it?
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Oh, yeah! Very witty, Fletch. I know.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Hey, were you ever in the Masons?
0:10:39 > 0:10:44My God, it's true! Maidstone jail, 1967, cartilage.
0:10:44 > 0:10:51Footballers get that, and groin strain. Little chance of THAT in here!
0:10:51 > 0:10:57OK, you had surgery on your left knee, but it was YEARS ago.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02And I've been in pain ever since. I don't complain, do I? No, never.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Even when he's crawling along like a wounded bloodhound.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11All right, all right! I'm not after sympathy.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17What ARE you after?
0:11:17 > 0:11:22Well, when the pain gets unbearable, I have to lie down for a week or so.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26You mean, a week in the infirmary? Yeah, maybe.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Ah, I see. Well, let me tell you something.
0:11:30 > 0:11:36Of all the prisons in the north, my infirmary has the lowest record of admissions.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Donaldson, who's serving five years for embezzlement,
0:11:40 > 0:11:46will get a Barclaycard before you get into my infirmary! OUT!
0:11:48 > 0:11:53Well...on your head be it, doctor.
0:11:53 > 0:11:59Fletcher, I KNOW you. I know you're going to make an issue of this.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04So, what I'll do is cut it out before it goes any further.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Amputate?!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09That'll get you in the infirmary!
0:12:09 > 0:12:15I'm sending you to a civilian hospital for X-ray and examination.
0:12:15 > 0:12:20You'll be back in a day, and then the matter will be closed!
0:12:20 > 0:12:25Why waste the taxpayers' money? I just need to lie down, that's all.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Out, Fletcher. You're a liar and a malingerer.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34Harsh words, doctor, in this season of goodwill to all men.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36I hope your conscience pricks you!
0:12:36 > 0:12:41You can say a prayer for me on Christmas Day. Next!
0:12:41 > 0:12:46I will, but I'll have to pray standing up because of my bad knee!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Aaargh! Ooh!
0:12:51 > 0:12:57Hey, Fletch. Shut the door. You're blowing my chains about.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Harry Grout's coming to see you.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03What?! Yeah, he's on his way. Oh, Gawd.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07He wants some favour pertaining to the Slocombe escape.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Hello, Harry. Hello, Fletcher.
0:13:14 > 0:13:21What a rare privilege. You don't usually drop in on people. They usually have to drop in on YOU.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25And if they don't, you drop things on THEM!
0:13:28 > 0:13:31You always WERE a joker, Fletcher.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Yeah, yeah, I was...up to now.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37What brings you to our humble abode?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Wanted to get out of my cell for a while.
0:13:40 > 0:13:45Change of air? No, the warders are putting up my decorations.
0:13:46 > 0:13:51There you are, sonny. Go to the pictures or something.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Oh, yeah. Thank you.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Shut the door.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Sit down, Fletch.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Oh, thanks very much.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I like the smell of a nice cigar(!)
0:14:08 > 0:14:12I can't offer you anything festive, Grouty.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I'm not in a festive mood, Fletch.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18A tunnel's being dug. Have you heard?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21When they stop singing, yeah.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Slocombe's a relative of friends of mine outside. They want him sprung.
0:14:25 > 0:14:34Oh, yeah. His dad was Billy the Ponce Slocombe. Got out of Brixton in 1972? Where did he end up, then?
0:14:34 > 0:14:41He emerged on some Caribbean island where the authorities took advantage of his criminal experience. How?
0:14:41 > 0:14:47They made him Chief of Police! He certainly had style, the old man.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52Trouble is, I have to arrange the disappearance of his idiot offspring.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Ah, delicate, Grouty. Extremely.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59If only I could help you...
0:14:59 > 0:15:02You CAN, my son. Oh, Gawd.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06You're going out tomorrow. For an X-ray!
0:15:06 > 0:15:11Still, you'll be on the outside. Our friends can take advantage of that.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13But how?! There'll be a package.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Someone, somewhere, sometime. No sweat.
0:15:17 > 0:15:23Look, I'll be under constant escort. I'm not going Christmas shopping, you know!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26It's only a SMALL package.
0:15:26 > 0:15:32A blank passport. Inky Stevens needs one to give Slocombe a new identity.
0:15:32 > 0:15:37Wouldn't it be more sensible to get a passport when he's outside?
0:15:37 > 0:15:44Normally, yes. But Inky Stevens is the finest forger in England. And he's INSIDE.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Yeah, yeah...
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I won't be ungrateful, Fletch. Good.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54There'll be something extra in your Christmas stocking.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Besides your bad knee, that is!
0:15:59 > 0:16:02CAROL SINGING
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Oh, I like this one.
0:16:04 > 0:16:11# ..Great tidings of comfort and joy, Comfort and joy,
0:16:11 > 0:16:16BOTH: # Great tidings of comfort and joy. #
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Haven't you forgotten something?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36What? Your limp!
0:16:36 > 0:16:39All right, mock the afflicted.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43You're not sick, as your X-rays will prove.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48Let's call it off, then. I can live with the pain. Ho, ho.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53No, the hospitals are busy enough. I'll just hobble back to my cell.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Fletcher!
0:16:56 > 0:16:57In!
0:17:02 > 0:17:07Mr Barrowclough has to finish his Christmas shopping.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26OK, doc, I can take it. Give it to me straight.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31I'm afraid I have bad news, Mr Fletcher. You have?
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Yes, you have a perfectly healthy knee.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38It's an attractive knee, Mr Fletcher.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Not as attractive as yours, nurse.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44I bet THEY have a happy Christmas!
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Enough! You're old enough to be her father!
0:17:48 > 0:17:53Impossible. I'm not from round here! It's also a HEALTHY knee.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Yeah, but you can't photograph pain.
0:17:56 > 0:18:01- When does the pain start? - When he wants a spell in hospital!
0:18:01 > 0:18:04That's not true, Mr Barrowclough.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07It's like Piccadilly Circus in here.
0:18:07 > 0:18:13Can I get you some coffee? No, just get us back home, please.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17I'D like some. It's all milk. I only get half and half at home.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Half and half? Half milk, half water.
0:18:21 > 0:18:27Well, if it's not too much trouble, miss. It's very sweet of you to ask.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Sure you don't fancy some?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Er, not COFFEE, no.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Oh, what a charming girl.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Look at you. Chapel hat pegs!
0:18:38 > 0:18:43You're more sex-starved than what I am, ain't yer? Oh, dear.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46How long do we have to sit here?
0:18:46 > 0:18:51What IS the matter with you, Fletcher? You're very ill at ease.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Now, enjoy yourself. Have another biscuit.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59It's your attitude. All this bonhommie just 'cos it's Christmas.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Mr Mackay'll be tucking us up at night soon!
0:19:03 > 0:19:08Now, Fletcher, Mr Mackay is no different from anyone else.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Outside, you'll find he's quite amiable.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Amiable?! On Tuesday, he patted a dog.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20It was the Governor's boxer.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Oh, yeah? What happened? It bit him.
0:19:23 > 0:19:28Oh, dear. He had to have a rabies injection.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32The dog, you mean! It's not funny, Fletcher.
0:19:32 > 0:19:39I'm like the Governor's dog - conditioned to mistrust in an atmosphere of mutual contempt.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I shall relax when...
0:19:42 > 0:19:46(..when I'm locked up and you're insulting me again.)
0:19:46 > 0:19:50You're spoiling my day out. Oh, forgive me.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55I get fed up, just like you do. This has been a break for me.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00What would you normally be doing? I was off duty. I volunteered today.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05What?! You could have been with your lady wife.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Yes...that's why I volunteered. Oh!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Let me help you, miss.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15I brought one extra, in case. Oh...
0:20:15 > 0:20:20Please excuse our friend. He's a bit morose today.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25Can I say something to him? Oh, by all means, my dear.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30Fletcher, the young lady wishes to address you. Oh, yeah?
0:20:30 > 0:20:35We know who you are and know this must be a sad time for you.
0:20:35 > 0:20:40So, the radiologists and I want to give you something.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Not much, but it's the thought that counts.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47It's a very nice thought, isn't it, Fletcher?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Yes...it is. Very nice, indeed.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I can't say I'm not...touched.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56In fact, I'm...er...
0:20:56 > 0:21:00..I'm deeply moved. Thank you. Can I open it now?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03No! Not before Christmas Day!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Oh! Oh, yeah, I see!
0:21:07 > 0:21:13Oh, no, oh, no. Spoil the surprise, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Oh, yeah. Oh, Christ...yeah...
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Well done, my son.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31It gave me palpitations, Grouty. Right under Barrowclough's nose!
0:21:31 > 0:21:37He was put off by the day out, her legs and two Johnnie Walkers!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Smart bird, Sandra. Yeah.
0:21:40 > 0:21:46Does she work there? Nah. All it took was some nerve and a white coat.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Oh, I see. MY nerve nearly went.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Oh, not you, Fletch. You're a dab hand.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57I'm sorry your knee got a clean bill of health. Eh?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Perhaps I could do you a favour.
0:22:00 > 0:22:06..How do you mean, Harry? A couple of my lads could have a go at it.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Damage it beyond dispute.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13Oh, no, no. I think I'll pass that one up, if you don't mind, Grouty.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Please yourself. Just thought I'd mention it.
0:22:17 > 0:22:23Because I would like a bit more help. Oh, Harry, haven't I done my bit?
0:22:23 > 0:22:30You see, it's the tunnel. Oh, no. Look, the lad gets claustrophobia, and look at me - a ferret I ain't!
0:22:30 > 0:22:35It's nothing physical. I just want you in the choir.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Oh, yeah.
0:22:37 > 0:22:43They've come up against a noisy bit. We need as much fortissimo as possible.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Oh, I enjoy a good sing.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50We sang a lot at Maidstone jail, working on the farm.
0:22:50 > 0:22:58Hymns, mostly. One of our favourites was "We Plough the Fields and Scatter"!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Lots of 'em DID, too!
0:23:00 > 0:23:05Right, is that it, then? NOT quite. Just one tiny thing.
0:23:05 > 0:23:12What now, Grouty? It's essential to the success of our venture. Well?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14A bicycle.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Oh, certainly(!) What colour?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31REPLY TAPPING
0:23:31 > 0:23:38# The first Noel, The angel did say,
0:23:38 > 0:23:44# Was to certain poor shepherds In fields as they lay,
0:23:44 > 0:23:50# In fields they lay there Keeping their sheep,
0:23:50 > 0:23:56# On a cold winter's night that was so deep.
0:23:56 > 0:24:02# Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel... #
0:24:05 > 0:24:10What's this, Mr Barrowclough? I want to ask you three something serious.
0:24:10 > 0:24:15Why us three? Because you were in the yard when I arrived for work.
0:24:15 > 0:24:23You engaged me in a silly discussion about the '62 Cup Final. So, I want to ask you this.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Where is my bike?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33What bike is this, Mr Barrowclough?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36The one I cycle on. You have a bike?
0:24:36 > 0:24:41Yes, the doctor advised me to take more exercise.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- I had a bike once. - So did I!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46I want to know what's become of it.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51So, you're saying that prior to our chat, you were the owner of a bike?
0:24:51 > 0:24:56And now you're the former owner of a bike? That's what I'm saying.
0:24:56 > 0:25:03So, you're saying that you came to work as a cyclist and will leave as a pedestrian?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Yes.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Yes, yes!
0:25:07 > 0:25:12You're linking our discussion with the theft of your alleged bicycle?
0:25:12 > 0:25:19It's NOT alleged. When did you last see your bike? When I got off it!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Are you sure you had it on you?
0:25:21 > 0:25:27Why would I wear these? To stop things falling out of your trousers!
0:25:27 > 0:25:33If we were talking, how could we palm your bike? Diverting tactics.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36This sounds dodgy to me. Dodgy?
0:25:36 > 0:25:43It's got all the classic elements of an insurance swindle, this has. How dare you?!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45You said we were bicycle thieves.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50I saw that film - an early example of Italian neo-realism.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52You're as impossible as ever.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57I thought that at this time of year you might have...
0:25:57 > 0:26:01It's just my naive, trusting nature. Serves me right.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Come on, Warren. Where to?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07To your cell, for a thorough search.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12If I find anything resembling a pump in your trousers, you're for it!
0:26:13 > 0:26:18Pull yourself together, Mr Barrowclough. It's your fault.
0:26:18 > 0:26:25Never turn your back on them! I feel you encourage trust by showing trust.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28They're criminals! They're also human beings.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Right, but CRIMINAL human beings.
0:26:31 > 0:26:36They take advantage of you. You lack discipline, you're gullible.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39I sometimes try to trust them.
0:26:39 > 0:26:46Whenever a prisoner makes a request, a warder must ask himself, "What is he up to?"
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Treat even the simplest request with suspicion.
0:26:50 > 0:26:57A prisoner ties his shoelace. Question: what is he hiding in his sock?
0:26:57 > 0:27:01I know that. But they can't hide a bicycle in a sock!
0:27:01 > 0:27:06Come on, man. Did we ever find any trace of our billiard table?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11We found the red ball.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15They'll have dismantled your bike in an instant.
0:27:15 > 0:27:24If it's anything like the billiard table, you'll get your rear light back! It just seems so pointless.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Oh, no. There's always a point.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30My antennae tell me something's afoot.
0:27:30 > 0:27:35Think, man. Have they asked you any seemingly innocent favour?
0:27:35 > 0:27:39No, no. Oh, they did ask one thing, but...
0:27:39 > 0:27:43What was it? They asked me to help at the carol service.
0:27:43 > 0:27:48And you trusted them?! Once you turn your back on them, you're finished.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51But I WON'T - I'm conducting.
0:27:54 > 0:28:00I think I'll conduct a little enquiry. Who's running this club?
0:28:00 > 0:28:05# ..last looked out, On the feast of Stephen.
0:28:05 > 0:28:12# When the snow lay round about, Deep and crisp and even,
0:28:12 > 0:28:15# Brightly shone the moon that... #
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Silence!
0:28:18 > 0:28:25# When a Scotsman came in sight... # That'll do, Fletcher!
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Stay still! Don't breathe.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Not anyone!
0:28:33 > 0:28:37DISTANT TAPPING
0:28:37 > 0:28:40What is that noise?
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Central heating, sir.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55REPLY TAPPING
0:28:56 > 0:29:00I didn't know you was a plumber, Mr Mackay.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02I think you've fixed it.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05All right...
0:29:05 > 0:29:09Back to your cells, the lot of you!
0:29:09 > 0:29:13We need more rehearsal. There won't be any more!
0:29:13 > 0:29:18It's Christmas, innit? You have forfeited the right to Christmas.
0:29:18 > 0:29:26How? Through a series of events culminating in the disappearance of Mr Barrowclough's bicycle.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30Now, I can't prove anything,
0:29:30 > 0:29:35but that technicality will not affect my judgment in the least.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38Stand still, Fletcher.
0:29:38 > 0:29:45You've been put here to keep crime off the streets, and I'm not having you bringing it into my prison.
0:29:47 > 0:29:56Remember that we have a solitary confinement area, with which... you will become only too familiar,
0:29:56 > 0:30:04if you continue to practise the contemptible habits that landed you here in the first place. Clear?!
0:30:04 > 0:30:08All right, the lot of you! Back to your cells! Move!
0:30:08 > 0:30:12DISGRUNTLED MUTTERING
0:30:19 > 0:30:26You've just stifled what could have been the start of a religious revival in here.
0:30:26 > 0:30:30In spite of everything, sir, a very merry Christmas.
0:30:30 > 0:30:34Oh, and a merry Christmas to Mrs Barrowclough, too.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Oh, come on, move it along...
0:30:38 > 0:30:41..er...Lukewarm.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45Oh, yes. That's the only attitude they respect.
0:30:45 > 0:30:50The only attitude that'll wipe out this wave of insubordination.
0:30:50 > 0:30:56I suppose you're right. Oh! Could you countersign my report?
0:30:56 > 0:30:58Very well.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05I seem to have mislaid my pen.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09Where's my wallet?
0:31:12 > 0:31:15Mr Barrowclough...I've been mugged!
0:31:15 > 0:31:21That's impossible, sir. We've only been here a minute. We came in at...
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Where's my watch?
0:31:30 > 0:31:33It's on the noticeboard. It's official.
0:31:33 > 0:31:37What is? Christmas is cancelled.
0:31:37 > 0:31:43It says, "There will be no Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or Boxing Day.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45"Just 24th, 25th, 26th December."
0:31:45 > 0:31:48No point in these, then. I TOLD you.
0:31:48 > 0:31:56About disturbing the equilibrium? It's been turned upside down. Innit marvellous, eh?
0:31:56 > 0:32:00You go right through the year, keeping your nose clean.
0:32:00 > 0:32:07Then suddenly, sheer intimidation drops us right in the Yuletide clarts!
0:32:07 > 0:32:09And as for Lukewarm's robbery...
0:32:09 > 0:32:15Grouty told him to. They needed Mackay's wallet for the getaway car.
0:32:15 > 0:32:19They didn't need Barrowclough's Timex, though!
0:32:19 > 0:32:22Force of flamin' habit, that was.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25Grouty's really messed this up.
0:32:25 > 0:32:30He's badly organised it, he's badly timed it, he's... Hello, Harry!
0:32:30 > 0:32:35I was just saying what a pity your brilliant strategy came to naught.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38Well, you know... Best laid plans...
0:32:38 > 0:32:41Should I go to the pictures?
0:32:41 > 0:32:44No, son, sit down. No secrets now.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49It's a bad business.
0:32:49 > 0:32:54My friends will bear malice. They wouldn't be that heartless.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56Why not? I would.
0:32:56 > 0:33:01Excuse me, Mr Grouty. Couldn't you reactivate the tunnel later? Nah.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04He was off course, anyway!
0:33:04 > 0:33:10That Slocombe's an idiot. He nearly came up in the laundry last week.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13So, is this tunnel now defunct?
0:33:13 > 0:33:19Yes, except for the contraband store. I've just had an idea. Oh, yeah?
0:33:19 > 0:33:24If the screws were to find that tunnel, it would do two things.
0:33:24 > 0:33:29It'd restore equilibrium 'cos they'd be so pleased with themselves,
0:33:29 > 0:33:32AND it'd look like the escape route.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34Yeah, but it WAS.
0:33:34 > 0:33:38Not now. It's a red herring, see?
0:33:38 > 0:33:45While they're still congratulating themselves, you can get Tommy away in a dustcart or something.
0:33:45 > 0:33:49'Ere, you HAVE had a thought, Fletch.
0:33:49 > 0:33:53It'll save yer face, Grouty. That it would.
0:33:53 > 0:33:58A perfect plan. You're not wrong, son. Tip the Governor off, then.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01No. I think MACKAY should find it.
0:34:01 > 0:34:08Give me the plan of the tunnel, and I might arrange that he drops right in it!
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Ah, Fletcher.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18I'm told you want a word with me.
0:34:18 > 0:34:27Yes, just a seemingly innocent stroll away from prying ears. Know what I mean? Ah, yes.
0:34:29 > 0:34:36I know you see me as an adversary, Mr Mackay, but we're old hands at this game, eh?
0:34:36 > 0:34:41There's you and there's us, and we don't push each other too far. True.
0:34:41 > 0:34:48We maintain a tolerable rhythm, seasoning our mutual contempt with mutual respect.
0:34:48 > 0:34:55What are you getting at, Fletcher? Can we get away from these eavesdroppers?
0:35:01 > 0:35:03You were saying?
0:35:04 > 0:35:07I was about to say...
0:35:07 > 0:35:11..I hate to see your authority undermined.
0:35:11 > 0:35:12And?
0:35:12 > 0:35:18Oh, I just wanted to articulate those views. Can we move on a bit?
0:35:18 > 0:35:20If there's any point.
0:35:20 > 0:35:24I think it would be a step in the right direction.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30I wish you would be more specific, Fletcher.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33I think I've gone far enough.
0:35:39 > 0:35:44HE CONTINUES STAMPING
0:35:44 > 0:35:47It's a bit parky, innit?
0:35:47 > 0:35:51Look, I haven't come out here to discuss the weather! Nor have I.
0:35:51 > 0:35:57This is pointless. Hang on. You might learn something to your advantage.
0:35:57 > 0:36:02You're trying to distract me. I'm not falling for it.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07No, you're not, are you(!)
0:36:08 > 0:36:12Mr Mackay, I'm trying to explain my position. Argh!
0:36:34 > 0:36:36Morning, Fletch. Morning, my son.
0:36:36 > 0:36:40Christmas is reinstated. Yes, I'm eating it!
0:36:40 > 0:36:42Merry Christmas.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44Oh!
0:36:44 > 0:36:49Cuban cigars? They're from Grouty. Where did he get them?
0:36:49 > 0:36:53I dunno. Where did B-Block get their goose?
0:36:53 > 0:36:58That's from me. A bit mundane after cigars, but I knitted them myself.
0:36:58 > 0:37:02Ah...did yer? Ain't that nice? They're lovely.
0:37:02 > 0:37:06I'll wear that one when the bandage is off.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09They're mittens! Eh?
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Oh, yeah. Look at that.
0:37:19 > 0:37:26Grouty apologises for being 18 inches out in his directions. He blames it on Slocombe.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29He should have knitted them for you!
0:37:29 > 0:37:33Well, it all worked out, didn't it? Yeah, you're in hospital.
0:37:33 > 0:37:37The screws are chuffed about the tunnel.
0:37:37 > 0:37:41Compliments of the season, Fletcher. See?
0:37:41 > 0:37:46Pardon? Nothing. Cut along, Godber. You'll miss your Christmas lunch.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49See you later, Fletch. Yes, my son.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52I'll get you a Get-Well-Slowly card!
0:37:58 > 0:38:00Well, Mr Mackay, you look flushed.
0:38:00 > 0:38:07Been to the Governor's sherry party. Everyone's jolly, except the doctor - he's lost his cake!
0:38:09 > 0:38:15Look! What? A present from the Governor. Pipe tobacco, I imagine.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17Oh, yeah...
0:38:17 > 0:38:20I should open it when you get home.
0:38:20 > 0:38:23I will. I look forward to that(!)
0:38:24 > 0:38:29Fletcher, I just want to say that I appreciate what you did in the yard.
0:38:29 > 0:38:34Oh? Oh, yes. Just between you and me, Fletcher.
0:38:34 > 0:38:39I don't understand. Of course not. But, as you say, we're old hands.
0:38:39 > 0:38:43There IS one question I'd like to ask.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53Where's the soil that was excavated?
0:38:53 > 0:39:00Ah, now, however you see our relationship, do not presume I'm an informer.
0:39:00 > 0:39:04It's still them and us, and I'm on the US side.
0:39:04 > 0:39:08A harmless question, for future reference.
0:39:08 > 0:39:13I just want to know how they disposed of the soil. I can't help.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22Scotland's finest.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25With a couple of nips gone, I see.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28It's still a treat. Bribes, is it?
0:39:28 > 0:39:30Christmas present.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37Come along, just between you and me.
0:39:39 > 0:39:43Is the door shut? Oh, yes. And there's nobody outside.
0:39:43 > 0:39:47Christmas present? Christmas present.
0:39:48 > 0:39:52You wanna know where the soil is? Quite simply.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55I'll tell you. Yes?
0:39:55 > 0:40:00They dug another tunnel and put the earth down there.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43Merry Christmas(!)
0:40:55 > 0:40:58Tonight, our subject is the entire universe,
0:40:58 > 0:41:00which we'll be covering in one hour.
0:41:02 > 0:41:03As a musical.