0:00:03 > 0:00:05Norman Stanley Fletcher,
0:00:05 > 0:00:09you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court
0:00:09 > 0:00:12and it is my duty to pass sentence.
0:00:14 > 0:00:19An habitual criminal who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard,
0:00:19 > 0:00:24you presumably accept imprisonment in the same casual manner.
0:00:26 > 0:00:31We therefore commit you to the maximum term for these offences.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34You will go to prison for five years.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05I have two.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57McLaren. Warren.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01I've called you as representatives of your respective cell blocks.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- What's this all about?- Just a minute.
0:02:04 > 0:02:11- As we know, the festive season is upon us. - All the high spirits that entails.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Jock, that's the wrong attitude going in.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18What is the real meaning of Christmas?
0:02:18 > 0:02:23Apart from the crib and all that swaddling. What springs to mind?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. - Yeah. Very good.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Mr McKay roasting on an open fire.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32No, that's Guy Fawkes night.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Crackers and holly.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Tree tops glistening. Children listening...
0:02:37 > 0:02:40All right. Leave out the Perry Como for a minute.
0:02:40 > 0:02:46But what to WE associate with Christmas - apart from robbing postmen?
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Drink!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Drink?
0:02:49 > 0:02:54That's what everyone does. They all get plastered, legless, elephant's trunk.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Brahms and Liszt as the proverbial newt.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02I've never understood that remark. Are newts heavy drinkers?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06There's a security risk here. Time is of the essence.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- I was just... - What are we doing here?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Wine tasting. - Wine tasting?
0:03:12 > 0:03:17Yep. Unbeknown to all, and purely out of charity to our fellow inmates,
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Godber and me have been fermenting illicit liquor since last July.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26We started then to reach perfection at this festive season.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Fletcher, you're a marvel!
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- I helped him as well.- Yeah. Yeah.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- Are you dishing this stuff out? - I shouldn't have said "charity".
0:03:36 > 0:03:39It's a business transaction.
0:03:39 > 0:03:45You are here to receive a sample so you can place orders for your fellow felons.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Up the spout. ..We have two selections, gentlemen.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53There you are.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57We have two-star in the blue bottle
0:03:57 > 0:04:02- and the five-star in the green bottle with the handle.- Godber!
0:04:12 > 0:04:16FLETCH WHISTLES "GOOD KING WENCESLAS"
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Right. As I was saying, the two-star here -
0:04:33 > 0:04:37the vin ordinaire, but not all that ordinaire.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42And the five-star - the special reserve. That one first.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44There we go.
0:04:44 > 0:04:49Lovely! This should be sipped delicately, like a fine liqueur.
0:04:49 > 0:04:54It should not be smashed down the throat by the mugful. Tulip.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03HE CHOKES
0:05:04 > 0:05:06I knew they'd like it, Len.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09You might have washed the bottle out!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Are you sure that's fit for human consumption?
0:05:12 > 0:05:17No, I'm not actually. That's why you're trying it out first.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22- This stuff's evil.- Remember, it's got another whole week to mature.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26This is the two-star. This one isn't quite so smooth.
0:05:26 > 0:05:33Go carefully, otherwise you'll lose the flavour, bouquet and your powers of speech, too.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38- Don't spill it, it might burn the carpet.- Smells like embrocation.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42- There is a hint of embrocation. - You could poison the whole prison.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45It's not easy to get the ingredients.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49The potato peelings and the orange pips no bother,
0:05:49 > 0:05:54but normally we would never have had to use boot polish.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58- Boot polish!- Only a joke.- You sure?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Of course! It's anti-freeze.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Come in. >
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Morning, Governor.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Good morning, um...
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Keegan, sir. Oh, yes. Keegan... Thank you.
0:06:16 > 0:06:21You're new here? I'm just a new trustee.
0:06:21 > 0:06:26Mr McKay's Christmas box because I'm getting out soon. Good.
0:06:26 > 0:06:31See you don't fall back into your old ways. No chance of that, sir.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- Not since the wife passed away. - When was this?
0:06:35 > 0:06:40A few weeks before I came inside. Poor woman. What happened?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43I murdered her.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Well... See that it doesn't happen again.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Morning, sir.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Keegan.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- Close the door, Mr McKay.- Sir.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04That new trustee. What's his name? Keegan?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- No complaints, sir?- He's a murderer.
0:07:06 > 0:07:12Yes, sir. But a crime of passion. Crime passionelle. French.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16His sort of murderer makes a model prisoner.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Do their porridge. Full remission.
0:07:18 > 0:07:23- According to HO figures, 75%... - I'm not interested in statistics.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27I do not want my morning coffee served by a wife murderer.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Very good, sir. I shall replace him, sir.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Now to the business in hand.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39I always find Christmas a very difficult time.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Yes, sir. So open to abuse. Contraband, bartering, smuggling...
0:07:43 > 0:07:48There isn't a Christmas cake here that isn't laced with marijuana.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- What are we doing about that? - I've taken precautions.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- Mr Barraclough is sampling all the food parcels.- Anything to report?
0:07:56 > 0:08:00He's still too stoned to tell me, sir.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- What about drink? - Always a problem, sir.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06They're so ingenious at hiding it.
0:08:06 > 0:08:13I remember once they concealed it in a fire extinguisher. We only discovered it when a fire broke out.
0:08:14 > 0:08:20It was only a small fire, but after we used that extinguisher it became a raging inferno.
0:08:22 > 0:08:27Disgraceful. As you know, I'm a staunch teetotaller
0:08:27 > 0:08:33and strictly against drinking - legal or illegal. So let us be particularly vigilant this year,
0:08:33 > 0:08:38- and get through it with the minimum of incident.- I'll drink to that, sir.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Hardly an appropriate remark. Carry on.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- You'll see about replacing, er... - Keegan.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Incidentally, how did he kill his poor wife?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Poison, sir.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Hang on, Lenny.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- I think we've got burglars.- What?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Excuse me.
0:09:18 > 0:09:24- What's all this? - You're not being singled out. We're doing the entire block.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Infringement of civil liberties.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- If we knew what you was after, we might be able to help.- Drink.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Drink? As in "drink", you mean?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37You mean alcohol, the Vera Lynn, the mother's ruin?
0:09:37 > 0:09:42- That is what I mean.- I am a strict teetotaller, Mr Barraclough.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47- Fletcher. Really!- I am. I don't touch tea and never have.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52- If think the state of the country is due more to tea than alcohol. - How?
0:09:52 > 0:10:00- The rot set in with the teabag. - You can't point the finger. You've never done an honest day's work.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05- Slander AND breaking and entering. - They've been turning us over all week.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09They came into the hobby shop where we were making toys -
0:10:09 > 0:10:13for orphans - and I saw Mr Barraclough disembowel my panda.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Don't you think I felt bad about that?
0:10:17 > 0:10:23- Just as I felt bad about sampling your food parcels.- But you felt pretty good afterwards.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28They found him standing in a sand bucket, singing The Desert Song.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Well, I suggest you tidy this cell up.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35That's nice(!) Exit the Red Shadow.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38It's all right for you, innit?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41You didn't find nothing, but there's no apologies, is there?
0:10:41 > 0:10:48It's a complete infringement of civil liberties, an unjustifiable act of mistrust and suspicion.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Yeah.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54- Didn't find nothing, did they? - We hid it too well!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Hey, push that door to.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Don't want the neighbours to see.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- Good evening, sir. And what will it be?- The usual.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09- Care for a drink first?- Why not? - Large one, sir?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Mind your own business.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Have one yourself.- Thank you.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Cheers.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- Eeeugh!- Urggh!
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Ooogh!
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Prisoners 1. System 0.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Not necessarily, Fletcher.
0:11:37 > 0:11:43Oh, my gawd. Time, gentlemen, please. Haven't you got no cells to go to?
0:11:45 > 0:11:50Lead on , Godber. Left. Right. Left. Right.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Mark time in front. Halt. One. Two.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Face the front. Morning, Mrs Jamieson. Mr Barraclough.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- Good morning, Mr McKay. - Morning, Mrs Jamieson.- Quiet!
0:11:59 > 0:12:03- Is the Governor in?- I'm waiting to see him. He's indisposed.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06He's in the what?
0:12:06 > 0:12:10He's not feeling too well ever since he sampled the Christmas pudding.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I made that! Nothing wrong with it.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17That's what you said about your Hungarian gluelash.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19The word is goulash.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22I chose the word advisedly, Mr McKay,
0:12:22 > 0:12:26seeing as how most of us were stuck in the bog afterwards.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Attention!
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Bless you.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Good morning, Governor. - Morning, Mr McKay.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Not too good I hear, sir? Sorry to hear it.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Not too good at all, Mr McKay.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44That prisoner you replaced. Keegan.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- You didn't put him in the kitchens, did you?- No, sir.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I just wondered if he was extracting revenge.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56I'd better have some more of that vile stuff, Mrs Jamieson.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00You can come through, Barraclough, but I may not have long.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Now see what you've done. Stricken governor.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06What sort of Christmas is he going to have?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09What sort are YOU going to have?
0:13:09 > 0:13:15- Chuffed, aren't you?- It's your own fault. You know the penalties for brewing illicit hooch.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- It's not illicit hooch. It's a health drink.- Poppycock!
0:13:19 > 0:13:23No, it's not poppycock. Couldn't get the poppies.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- Mind you, in here there's no shortage of...- Fletcher!
0:13:30 > 0:13:33All I'm saying is it was a health drink.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36We just got a thousand wine gums and we pressed them.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41The result is a remedy for all known ills
0:13:41 > 0:13:44and several unknown ones.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- You ought to give the governor some, Mrs Jamieson.- He's sick enough.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Stop it, you two.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01I've always been attracted to older women.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05As a lad, I wanted to be seduced by my Auntie Pauline.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Very sophisticated, she was.
0:14:07 > 0:14:13- Worked in a dress shop in Smethwick and wore Evening In Paris behind her ears.- A sure sign.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- I nearly was once.- What?- Seduced.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21I went round one afternoon and the radio was playing and she said,
0:14:21 > 0:14:25"Lenny, don't you think it's about time you learned how to foxtrot?"
0:14:25 > 0:14:33Even at the naive age of 14 I though, "Foxtrot? Middle of the afternoon? Yum, yum."
0:14:33 > 0:14:37I bet you did! Do you think you ought to go on in front of Mr McKay?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40He's a strict Glasgow Presbyterian.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Sex is only allowed when Rangers beat Celtic.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52I am not interested in Godber's carnal reminiscences.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Aren't ya? I am. What happened then, Godber?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- Nothing.- What?- Nothing happened.
0:14:59 > 0:15:06She just held me very close and we danced round the living room, to the Northern Dance Orchestra.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Big room, was it?
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Your stories have a habit of tailing off like that.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15You are the master of the anti-climax.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I can't half foxtrot, though.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24- KNOCK AT DOOR - Yes?
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- Hello, lads.- Hello, Reg. It's Reg.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Got a bad arm?
0:15:33 > 0:15:39- I see! You're a trustee now, are you?- I replaced Keegan. Thanks to Mr McKay.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Oh, yes. When a man keeps his nose clean, I don't forget.
0:15:43 > 0:15:48- I'll come back later.- Take in the Governor's coffee. Chop, chop!
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Your coffee, sir.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Thank you... Urwin, sir. With a "U".
0:15:59 > 0:16:04- I'm the new trustee. - A privileged position.
0:16:04 > 0:16:11I know, sir. That's why I've been well behaved these last few months, so I could get on with my plan.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Yes.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16I'm afraid your plan will have to wait, Urwin.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- Mr Venables, have you got time...? - No!
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I'll take it with me.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Pity it wasn't in triplicate, eh?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- Where's he gone? - He's got an upset tummy.
0:16:33 > 0:16:38But he was instrumental in my plan. What plan, Urwin?
0:16:38 > 0:16:42I suppose a screw would do just as well.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46- Yeah. Don't see why not. - What is your plan?
0:16:46 > 0:16:50I-I want to get out of here. That's what we all want.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54But you don't want me to get out as soon as I do.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56That's why I'm taking you hostage.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03It's a gun...and it works... and it's loaded.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Now just a minute, er...
0:17:06 > 0:17:12- Urwin. With a "U". - U-U-Urwin. Why not put that down?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14So you can pick it up?
0:17:14 > 0:17:18You ought to think carefully about what you're doing.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22I 'ave done. First, I want you to shut that blind.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Second, I want you to get me a helicopter.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Go on!
0:17:29 > 0:17:34Look, the Governor's obviously got things on his mind to say the least.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Why don't we come back in the new year - about April?
0:17:38 > 0:17:43I've got plenty of time, Fletcher. I've waited long enough for this.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- We might as well sit down. Take the weight off.- Fletcher!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Don't you come it with me.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I don't mind waiting.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57- It's worth getting busted to see Mrs Jamieson's...- Godber!
0:17:57 > 0:17:59..smile.
0:18:00 > 0:18:06- I apologise for these two. - That's all right. I've learned to turn the other cheek.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08And a very attractive cheek, too.
0:18:11 > 0:18:16Mrs Jamieson? I want to get in touch with the nearest RAF station.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18RAF station?
0:18:18 > 0:18:22I don't know where that is.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Well...the Fleet Air Arm, or Air Sea Rescue...
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Anyone... Anyone who can get me a helicopter.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33You're being a bit lavish with your Christmas presents this year.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36What?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39You'll need a lot of crinkly paper to wrap that up.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43All right, Fletcher! Is there a problem?
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Yes, Mr McKay. Something has c-come up.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52- Come up?- Y-Yes. I'm being held at gunpoint by Urwin here.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- You what?- It's true. Aaaaah!
0:18:55 > 0:19:01- Don't panic. Get on the blower. - Are you off your rocker?- Shut up! - Anything you say.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06All right, Urwin. Give me that gun.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Make a move and Barraclough gets it.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Urwin, I said give me that gun.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Shut up, McKay. This is no time for stupid heroics.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20We can't let these people intimidate us.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23It's fine for you. He's pointing the gun at my head.
0:19:23 > 0:19:29Naff off, MacKay. I'm taking two hostages - him and her. So put the word out.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Well, do as he says, man.
0:19:34 > 0:19:40Very well. I'll soon have you out of this. And don't YOU panic, Mr Barraclough.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- Mr McKay?- Yes.- Can we panic?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- You two, come along with me.- No!
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I can use them. Naff off, McKay.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56I've found the number f-for RAF Topcliff.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59You'd better get 'em.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Reg, you don't want us here. You don't need us.
0:20:03 > 0:20:09We're only littering up the place. We'll go back to our cell. We've got a busy day...
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Lock that door. Put the filing cabinet against the door.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14All right.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I have them on the line.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Mr Barraclough?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Shall I talk to them in there?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26All right.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Reg?
0:20:31 > 0:20:36I-I-Is this all you wanted us for - to put this filing cabinet up?
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Yeah.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- We'll be getting off. - Help us shift this. It's in the way.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Do you think I'm crackers, or something?
0:20:44 > 0:20:49Possibly, Reg. I mean, it ain't the behaviour of a rational man, is it?
0:20:50 > 0:20:54I know what I'm doing. Give me that key.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Key.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Now, we'll just sit tight and wait.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01FLETCHER SIGHS
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Um...
0:21:04 > 0:21:08I have a dental appointment in half an hour.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10You'll have to bleedin' cancel it.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15Yes, Prison Officer Barraclough of Slade Prison.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Don't you think I ought to talk to your commanding officer?
0:21:19 > 0:21:23Yes, I know there's only two shopping days till Christmas, but...
0:21:24 > 0:21:27This is Reg Urwin. I'm in charge.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32I don't care how, but I want a chopper here in half an hour.
0:21:32 > 0:21:38Hang on. I also want 10,000 quid in used notes, otherwise I won't be responsible for my actions.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41That's the way you talk to these people.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44If they ring back and still stall, I'll shoot you.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Yes. I'll remember that.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- Bearing up?- Pardon?
0:22:00 > 0:22:05- Under the strain.- Yes, yes. I'm keeping myself busy...
0:22:05 > 0:22:08doing some of those jobs one's always putting off.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Otherwise I...I might go to pieces.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15No, Mrs Jamieson. You've always struck me as typically British -
0:22:15 > 0:22:18stiff upper lip, calm under crisis.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20That's very sweet of you to say.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25It doesn't surprise me. I've always admired you from afar.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Why?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29You remind me of my Auntie Pauline.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Oh, yeah? Do I really?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- I was just... - I know what you were "just"...
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Horny little beast.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43He was trying to keep my spirits up. KNOCK AT DOOR
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Come in. Oh, you can't.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- Wait! Who is it? - Wait! Who is it?
0:22:51 > 0:22:55- Mr McKay. I've got the coffee. - Mr McKay with the coffee.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- Let him come in, but watch it! - Come in, but watch it.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11- Everything all right?- Everything's all right. Naff off, McKay.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15I can't believe this is happening in my prison. And at Christmastide.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18It's all right for you. It's us who's suffering.
0:23:18 > 0:23:23That'll do, Fletch. Lock the door and put that cabinet back.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Mr McKay? Could you do me a favour?
0:23:25 > 0:23:29I left a pair of socks soaking. Would you wring 'em out?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Ah! Here we are, then.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Ta.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Mrs Jamieson. Thank you.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Fletcher. Help yourselves to sugar.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Thank you.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51This is all very nice, isn't it?
0:23:52 > 0:23:58- Never thought I'd be served coffee by a screw. - In the Governor's office.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02- Barriers come down in these situations.- Mind if I sit?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04BOTH: That's all right.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- Go ahead. - Thank you, Reg.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Well, here's to you, Reg... Wherever you end up.
0:24:12 > 0:24:18- Where are you thinking of going? - Somewhere they don't ask too many questions
0:24:18 > 0:24:20and they don't mind who I am.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Somewhere they turn a blind eye if you grease their palm?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26What? Isle of Wight?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30South America or Mexico.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Oh, yeah? Mexico.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Funny people, Mexicans. They're sort of...Mexican, I suppose.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40All the dogs limp there, you know?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- I didn't know that. - That's well known.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- It's to do with the food.- Food?
0:24:45 > 0:24:51A man wakes up in the morning, thinks about his breakfast, and kicks the dog.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Really? And I always fancied Mexico.
0:24:55 > 0:25:01Well, contrary to popular travel-brochure myth, they're not a happy people.
0:25:01 > 0:25:07I suppose anyone who has tequila as their national drink is bent on self-destruction.
0:25:07 > 0:25:12- I appreciate your advice.- Yeah. - Perhaps I'll think of somewhere else.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16You won't be going anywhere else, Urwin.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17What?
0:25:17 > 0:25:21We have a specially rehearsed procedure for times like this.
0:25:21 > 0:25:27Don't worry, Mrs Jamieson. Neither of us will be going south of the border down Mexico way.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32- What? - Weren't you puzzled I was so polite handing round the coffee?
0:25:32 > 0:25:35One cup was laced with a tranquiliser.
0:25:35 > 0:25:42It acts very swiftly and in a few moments...in a few moments you will be safely asleep in the land of nod.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44SNORING
0:25:45 > 0:25:48FLETCHER SNORES
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- Any word yet?- Not yet, sir.
0:26:11 > 0:26:17But everything's under control. The rest of the prison is quiet. Tea?
0:26:17 > 0:26:21No, thank you. They've no idea what's going on?
0:26:21 > 0:26:25They probably think someone's gone over the wall.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Just so long as we can keep the lid on this thing.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33It should have worked. I used enough to knock out a rhinoceros.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38I can't believe this is happening. How did he get the gun?
0:26:38 > 0:26:43Probably made it, sir. He's spent a lot of time in the machine shop.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- Now we know why. - PHONE RINGS
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Aha!
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Everything all right, Barraclough?
0:26:50 > 0:26:51What?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I see. Yes?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Right, Urwin. Right.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00Yes, Urwin. Right. Oh. I'm sure I'll remember that.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05What's happened?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Urwin says thank you for the coffee, it perked him up no end.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13But Fletcher is sleeping like a rhinoceros.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18HE SNORES
0:27:18 > 0:27:21PHONE RINGS
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Hello?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Er, just one moment, please. Is that for me?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31No. It's not.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34It's your wife, Mr Barraclough.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Oh, dear.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40How did she sound? The same as usual.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Oh, dear.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44May I?
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Be my guest. Perhaps she hasn't heard about this yet.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Hello, dear. What?
0:27:52 > 0:27:59No, I-I-I hadn't forgotten, but I think I ought to tell you that there is a chance I might be late.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03No... Just a minute, Alice. Just a minute.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07No, if you'd only give me a minute to explain, I...
0:28:07 > 0:28:11I know I've been late three times this week, but...
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I'm being held at gunpoint as a hostage.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18I know we're supposed to be going to Mrs Wainright's.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Yes, it is rude and inconsiderate, but...
0:28:22 > 0:28:26I may be going abroad in a helicopter.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31Alice, I don't think you've heard a word I've...
0:28:31 > 0:28:33At gunpoint, yes.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37As well as Mrs Jamieson and two prisoners.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42What do you mean is that woman with you?
0:28:42 > 0:28:46Of course. Neither of us has much option.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49(Of course I'm not glad.)
0:28:49 > 0:28:55Alice, this is pointless. I'll ring you back later. If I don't manage, watch the Six O'Clock News.
0:28:55 > 0:29:01Here, Barra. Your old lady reckon you and Mrs Jamieson got a thing going?
0:29:01 > 0:29:03No.
0:29:03 > 0:29:07I bet she don't believe all them lates you've been working.
0:29:07 > 0:29:12People are bound to get on top of each other working here.
0:29:14 > 0:29:18Nonsense, Godber! Our relationship is purely professional.
0:29:18 > 0:29:22Should I, er, clear those cups up, Mr Barraclough?
0:29:22 > 0:29:25There's no need to be so formal.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28We all know about you and him.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32Oh, Henry! How could you?!
0:29:33 > 0:29:36Dorothy, I never said a word.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39It never came from my lips. SNORE!
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Oh. Ugh. Aah.
0:29:42 > 0:29:46- Where am I? - In the Governor's office. Remember?
0:29:46 > 0:29:52Sir, Godber and me weren't drunk. Sometimes we chew the occasional sock...
0:29:52 > 0:29:55The Governor's not here. Don't you remember?
0:29:55 > 0:30:01- Are you the new governor? Why are you there? - I'm hijacking Barraclough.
0:30:01 > 0:30:06God, how could I fall asleep in the middle of this lot?
0:30:06 > 0:30:09- The coffee you drank was drugged. - Drugged?
0:30:09 > 0:30:14- It was for Reg, but Mr Baraclough messed it up.- I feel most peculiar.
0:30:14 > 0:30:20You want to be careful. Them drugs on top of all that booze we had.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23- Godber, I'll remember that. - Yes, so will I.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26We're on World At One.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28- RADIO:- 'Details are still confused.
0:30:28 > 0:30:36'The Governor's secretary and a prison officer are being held by three desperate prisoners.'
0:30:36 > 0:30:37Three?!
0:30:37 > 0:30:42'They are demanding transportation and a large sum of money.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44'In the City today...'
0:30:44 > 0:30:50- What's all this about "three desperate men"? - They said details were confused.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53But our names will be named.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57- What'll my family think?- My wife? - I hope she's more considerate than mine.
0:30:57 > 0:31:02Never mind your naffin' families, what about me?
0:31:02 > 0:31:05Everyone knows about it. Why am I still here?
0:31:05 > 0:31:11- Where's my helicopter?- I don't think you should build up your hopes.
0:31:11 > 0:31:15- What do you mean?- Get it into your head they might not play ball.
0:31:15 > 0:31:21They've got to convince the public they're not going to bow to a nutter with a gun
0:31:21 > 0:31:25and fly him off to sunnier climes.
0:31:25 > 0:31:30- I'm no nutter.- I'm just using the establishment viewpoint. It's not personal.
0:31:30 > 0:31:37- And ten thou's a lot of money.- It doesn't seem excessive for an officer with 23 years unblemished service.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40Let me get this straight.
0:31:40 > 0:31:45You're saying they're calling my bluff. They haven't been taking me seriously.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48And there's nothing you can do.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51I could do one thing. What? I could shoot you.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54I suppose you could always do that.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57I wouldn't advise it.
0:31:57 > 0:32:03Any wave of public sympathy you might have built up would fly out the window.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06Fletcher's right. Just keep cool.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08I've been through this before.
0:32:08 > 0:32:12- Have you?- Yeah. - Really! - I have.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16First nick I was in, a bloke called Popplewell. He was a trustee.
0:32:16 > 0:32:22That's how he got onto a working party to paint the outside of the governor's house.
0:32:22 > 0:32:28- Before anyone knew, he was INSIDE the house with Mrs Bailey. - Mrs Bailey?
0:32:28 > 0:32:31She was the wife of Governor Bailey.
0:32:31 > 0:32:36The governor's name was Bailey and she married Governor Bailey,
0:32:36 > 0:32:38so that made her Mrs Bailey.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41Oh, dear, dear.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44I suppose you called him "Old Bailey".
0:32:45 > 0:32:48Do YOU want to tell the story?
0:32:48 > 0:32:51- I was just...- Just then, well...
0:32:51 > 0:32:54- Please, go on. - I'm losing the thread now.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57- Get on with it.- All right. It's coming back.
0:32:57 > 0:33:04Before you could say Jack Robinson, screws surrounded the place, the law, the press was there,
0:33:04 > 0:33:07I think even Fyfe Robertson turned up.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10But he soon got fed up and went back to the pub.
0:33:10 > 0:33:15Anyway, for three days they appealed to Popplewell through megaphones -
0:33:15 > 0:33:20the chaplain, psychiatrist, governor, but never a word from him or Mrs Bailey.
0:33:20 > 0:33:26- What happened? - On the fourth day, Mrs Bailey let him go.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39- SHE was holding HIM?- Yeah.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Why?
0:33:41 > 0:33:42Why?
0:33:42 > 0:33:48To use a phrase that was prevalent at the time, she'd never had it so good.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05- All right, Mrs Jamieson? - What's happening?
0:34:05 > 0:34:13- We've won a victory. He's extended his deadline till five.- I'll have time to finish before he shoots us.
0:34:14 > 0:34:19- Must I expect a fate worse than death?- Is there one?
0:34:20 > 0:34:24No, I...I don't suppose there is.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26That's the girl.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29Are those prisoners' files in there?
0:34:29 > 0:34:30Yes.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33- Fish out Urwin's, would you?- Why?
0:34:33 > 0:34:38I dunno. It might help. Have a shufty, Len.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41I'm getting angry. When do we get action?
0:34:41 > 0:34:43I'm still waiting for the Governor.
0:34:43 > 0:34:47- I can't wait much longer. - Getting tense?
0:34:47 > 0:34:49I've got to get out of here.
0:34:49 > 0:34:54- - That's how- I- feel. - After ONE day. I've been inside half my life.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57But you're coming up for parole.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00Parole? They'll never give it to me.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03I've just got to get out of here.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06- But why this way? - Cos I'll top myself.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09Suicide? You wouldn't do that?
0:35:09 > 0:35:12- I tried before.- Did ya? How did you get on?
0:35:16 > 0:35:19- I failed, didn't I?- Oh, did you?
0:35:20 > 0:35:25Typical. I was in a supermarket, trying to steal a tin of luncheon meat,
0:35:25 > 0:35:30when I thought, "Is this what my life is - trying to steal luncheon meat?"
0:35:30 > 0:35:33So you tried suicide in a supermarket? How?
0:35:33 > 0:35:39- I put me head down and charged the glass doors. - What went wrong?
0:35:39 > 0:35:41Phttrr-trrrt.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49They was electric.
0:35:49 > 0:35:55I went straight through, bumped into a policeman who booked me for nicking the luncheon meat.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59There's always one around when you don't want one.
0:35:59 > 0:36:06You've just got to face it. You're just one of those blokes who doesn't get the breaks.
0:36:06 > 0:36:13Today's typical, isn't it? You've been planning months ahead to hijack the Governor.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16The very day you choose, he gets the runs.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18- Fletcher!- What?
0:36:18 > 0:36:21What do you want?
0:36:21 > 0:36:23Come here.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25Look at this.
0:36:28 > 0:36:35- Would you Adam and Eve it?- Urwin's been recommended for psychiatric treatment.- He never got it.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37The system done this to Reg.
0:36:37 > 0:36:43I've got to talk to him. Mrs Jamieson, would you come into the other room?
0:36:43 > 0:36:50Reg, could you just come through and have a word with Godber and me in the other room?
0:36:50 > 0:36:55- I-I-I don't know.- Go on, Reg. These two can't get up to nothing.
0:36:55 > 0:36:59- Well, they can, but I don't think they will.- You're right.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03Have a look at that. You might find it interesting.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Sit down, Reg.
0:37:06 > 0:37:10- Look, you trust me, don't ya?- Maybe.
0:37:10 > 0:37:16- I've got to tell you you're not going to make it.- I've got to - I'm a three-time loser.
0:37:16 > 0:37:21I can assure you there ain't no way. All the arguments is on their side.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25The worst thing that could happen is if they say, "OK."
0:37:25 > 0:37:33You know you'd never make it to that helicopter. They got marksmen can shoot a fly's eyebrows at 400 yards.
0:37:35 > 0:37:39And if flies had other things, they'd shoot them off an' all.
0:37:39 > 0:37:44And suppose you got to Mexico. What then? Look at you.
0:37:44 > 0:37:48You can't check into the Acapulco Hilton like that!
0:37:48 > 0:37:50They'd not let you in without a tie.
0:37:50 > 0:37:55Me and the lad could have jumped you over the past few hours very easy.
0:37:55 > 0:38:01We didn't. Why? Because that would've dropped you further in it than you are already.
0:38:01 > 0:38:06You've got to be seen to throw in the towel on your own.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10They're going to throw the book at you.
0:38:10 > 0:38:15But I've seen your file. You have a case if you give yourself up.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18No. I'm going through with it.
0:38:18 > 0:38:23- Come on. Think! - No. I'm going the distance.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26You don't give me much choice then, do you?
0:38:27 > 0:38:31- I'm going to have to take that gun off you.- You what?
0:38:31 > 0:38:35- Come on. Give me the gun. - Stay where you are!
0:38:36 > 0:38:40Look... You are not going to shoot me cos you're my mucker.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43- Don't bank on it.- He's serious.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46It's all right. He won't shoot me. We're mates.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49Don't push it, mate.
0:39:10 > 0:39:16- HE SOBS - Now, now. Come on, Reg. On your feet. You've got to be in control.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19- What's the point?- Every point.
0:39:19 > 0:39:25Barraclough mustn't think we overcame you. You've got to give yourself up voluntarily.
0:39:25 > 0:39:29- He's right. It's your only chance. - You'll back me up?- Of course.
0:39:29 > 0:39:33It's still Them and Us. I'm still on the side of Us.
0:39:33 > 0:39:40You two could be heroes... for what you've just done. You could get a free pardon.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52What do you think?
0:39:54 > 0:39:56It IS Christmas.
0:39:58 > 0:39:59Yeah.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03Yeah. Good will to all men. All that swaddlin'.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Go on, on your way, son.
0:40:06 > 0:40:09Maybe you're right.
0:40:12 > 0:40:15But I'm still calling the shots, ain't I?
0:40:15 > 0:40:20Of course. The main thing is you're not shooting the shot.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28Mr Barraclough...
0:40:29 > 0:40:34- You're a marvel.- You mean the gun? Yeah...- Don't denigrate that.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37I've never see anything like it.
0:40:38 > 0:40:42I did have one small advantage.
0:40:42 > 0:40:46- I happened to know that this particular gun isn't loaded.- No?- No?
0:40:46 > 0:40:51I've been working in the machine shop with Reg. It's only a toy.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53- You knew all along?- Yeah.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55I couldn't mention it, could I?
0:40:55 > 0:41:01- Or it would've dropped him further in it.- Are you sure it's a toy? - Course. Look.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03- BANG! - Ooh!
0:41:17 > 0:41:20- Evening, Fletcher. - Hello, Mr Barraclough.
0:41:20 > 0:41:24This is nice, isn't it? Is Godber about?
0:41:24 > 0:41:32He wanted to prove it wasn't his pudding that caused the Governor's illness. So he ate three helpings.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34Where is he now then?
0:41:34 > 0:41:37Still in the bog.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41He's got two to go, now.
0:41:41 > 0:41:46How are you feeling, Fletcher, after our terrible ordeal?
0:41:46 > 0:41:48Mustn't grumble.
0:41:48 > 0:41:54- Me and the lads are still concerned about Reg.- I understand he'll be getting psychiatric treatment.
0:41:54 > 0:41:58He will be not so much punished as helped.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00Not before time.
0:42:00 > 0:42:05I spoke to the Governor and... in consideration of your conduct,
0:42:05 > 0:42:09the charges against you and Godber will be dropped.
0:42:09 > 0:42:14Charges? Oh, you mean them unfounded allegations about illicit booze?
0:42:14 > 0:42:18- Only right and proper an' all. - Enough said.
0:42:18 > 0:42:25"Enough said" is all well and good, but we won't get our booze back, will we? Hold these.
0:42:25 > 0:42:32In return, of course, I would like to think that you could forget certain things that may have been revealed
0:42:32 > 0:42:35during those desperate hours.
0:42:36 > 0:42:41- Like what?- The rather delicate matter of Mrs Jamieson and myself.
0:42:41 > 0:42:47- I'd like it to go no further. - I don't know what you're talking about.- That's the spirit.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50Honestly. I don't know what you're talking about.
0:42:50 > 0:42:57If you're saying you want me to forget something, I was asleep part of the time.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59I never heard nothing.
0:43:00 > 0:43:04You didn't know about myself and Mrs Jamieson?
0:43:04 > 0:43:06No, sir. But don't worry...
0:43:08 > 0:43:10I do now.
0:43:11 > 0:43:13'Enry.