0:00:02 > 0:00:03Nigel Norman Fletcher,
0:00:03 > 0:00:05you have been found guilty of the charges brought against you
0:00:05 > 0:00:07and it is now my duty
0:00:07 > 0:00:08to pass sentence.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11DOORS SLAM, BUZZER
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Cybercrime is a modern menace.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15A man of your obvious ingenuity
0:00:15 > 0:00:17and intelligence
0:00:17 > 0:00:20might have used his gifts on BEHALF of society.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23CLICKING AND BUZZING
0:00:23 > 0:00:28Instead...you chose to employ them in a pursuit of self-indulgence,
0:00:28 > 0:00:29greed and gain.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31CLANGING AND BUZZING
0:00:31 > 0:00:37You will now face the consequences and go to prison for five years.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39LOUD CLANG
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Are you alive or dead?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Dead.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Are you male or female?
0:00:46 > 0:00:49- Male!- That's narrowed it down a bit.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Are you a celebrity chef?
0:00:50 > 0:00:51No.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Well, that was a waste of a question.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54He's already said he's dead!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Uh, chefs die like the rest of us.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00A lot earlier than most with all that rich food.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Are you a film star?
0:01:01 > 0:01:02No.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Playing "Who Am I?" are we? I used to be quite a dab hand at this game.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09My wife and I whiled away many an hour when we had nothing else to do.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11When was this - on your honeymoon?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14I'll give you lot a tip.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16There might be some cell searches this week,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18so just make sure you have nothing in your cell
0:01:18 > 0:01:19that shouldn't be there.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Why's that?
0:01:20 > 0:01:23The BOV are paying us a surprise visit.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Well, it's not a surprise now you've told us, is it?
0:01:25 > 0:01:26I'm just trying to be helpful, Fletcher.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- SHELBY:- Wait a minute, what's a B-O-V?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- BRAITHWAITE: - Board Of Visitors, Shelby.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Every so often they do an inspection.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34It's a way of guaranteeing your prisoners' rights.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Rights? I weren't aware we had any rights. Were you, lads?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Well, of course you've got rights. And if you have a gripe about them,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41it's the sort of thing you take up with the BOV.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- SHELBY:- Oh, so we'll be able to talk to them?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- BRAITHWAITE:- I very much doubt it.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Basically, they're a bunch of do-gooders
0:01:47 > 0:01:49who poke their noses where they're not wanted.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Professional people, mostly, plus some MP looking for a gong
0:01:52 > 0:01:53and a vicar or two.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Yeah. Upside is it winds the screws up
0:01:55 > 0:01:57and we get better grub that day.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59That's a very cynical point of view, Lotterby.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Well, 30 years inside can do that to you, Mr Braithwaite.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- PARFITT:- Got a minute, Fletch? - I've got three years of 'em, Dougie.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08I need a word.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Right.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Take over, please, Mr Braithwaite, seeing as you're such a dab hand.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Right! So what do we know so far?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18He's dead, he's male and he's not a film star or a cook.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Are you an historical figure?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Yes.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Are you Napoleon?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Oh, bloody heck! How did you work that out?!
0:02:28 > 0:02:32I've been thinking. You know I've always liked you, Fletch.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34You wanted to kill me a while back.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Yeah, but apart from that, you have my respect.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38You're sharp, you've got school smarts, street smarts.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41I want you on my team. Official.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Team? Five-a-side?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45No, you plum, Team Parfitt.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Look, lads, I'm honoured, obviously.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50But you boys are into really naughty stuff.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Smartphones, dope, contraband.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54That's not my bag, you know what I'm saying?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57That's not what I meant. I've always been hot-headed, Fletch.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I always leap before I look. Wiser heads would prevail.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- I want you to be my wiser head. - But you've got Scudds.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Don't be daft.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Scudds would hardly be the first fly on a dog turd, if you know what I mean?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- There's nothing up there! - Only feelings!
0:03:17 > 0:03:22I need a restraining hand. A counsel, a... What's the word?
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Robert Duvall, Al Pacino.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Consigliere.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Consylairy - I love that word.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Well, look... If you're planning to leave a horse's head on
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Mr Meekie's pillow, my advice is DON'T.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Oh, I love that scene. Though it does beg a few questions.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I mean, how comes the geezer never woke up
0:03:38 > 0:03:41when someone turned back his bedclothes
0:03:41 > 0:03:42and put half a horse in there?
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Maybe he's a heavy sleeper.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Or, uh, he had a bad cold and he drank a bottle of Night Nurse and...
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Look, I'm trying to make Fletch a serious offer here, you bonehead!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Look, the thing is, I'm not really a team player.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I've always been a, y'know, loner. Ever since I was a kid.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I'm not getting the answer I want here, Fletch.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Remember, you owe me a favour.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05All right, Dougie. Look, word of serious advice.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08You've got parole coming up, don't blow it.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10All the dodgy deals, all the naughty stuff,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13cut it all out and lead an unblemished life.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14I can't do that.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18I'm bad, Fletch. I'm a bad person.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19It's in my DNA.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I vouch for that.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25He's a borderline sociopath, ain't you, boss?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27What, are you suddenly a shrink?!
0:04:27 > 0:04:28You're proud of it, you said so.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I don't like people, that's for sure.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Apart from me family, but I hate my brother.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I don't like kids, apart from my sister's.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39I'm not too keen on that snotty-nosed pair either.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Quite like dogs. I hate cats.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Whiskers creep me out.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Tried a cage bird?
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Budgie. Cat ate it.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50That explains a lot.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I never got over losing my pet snake.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54You had a snake?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Yeah, it escaped and bit a lollipop lady down the Mile End Road.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Well, did she sue?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01No, she died.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05DOOR SLAMS, BUZZER
0:05:05 > 0:05:08You look stressed, Fletch. You didn't even finish your haddock.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09That was haddock?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11What's up?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- Dougie Parfitt. - You got on the wrong side of him?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15No, just the opposite.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18He wants me in his crew to be his consigliere.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. To get him theatre tickets.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27That's CONCIERGE, Shel.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31I've got to find a way out of it without mugging him off.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33You need to chin someone. You can hit me if you want.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34How's that going to help?
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Meekie'll have you straight up to the Guv, two weeks down the block.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Solitary's not too bad if you can sneak in a book or two.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44The last time I did it, I read two Harry Potters.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Yeah, but when I get out, Dougie'll still be here.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Uh! Maybe the BOV could help.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49I mean, it's totally random,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51but if they do speak to one of us, well...
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- Well, what? - Well, we'll say Parfitt's a menace,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56better for the whole bin if he's in solitary indefinitely.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Good idea, no?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59I'm not kicking your idea, Aziz,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01but all complaints are passed on to the kangas,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04and you can bet your life that one bent one's going to pass it on to Dougie Parfitt.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Bad idea, then. - Yeah, but nice try.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Don't worry, guys, I've got to sort this out myself.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12How was your lunch?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14You never normally ask us that, Mr Meekie.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15I'm asking you now.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I think the fish would have been better char-grilled than sauteed
0:06:18 > 0:06:21but the Grand Marnier souffle was a triumph.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Are you asking cos of the visit coming up?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Keeping us happy so we won't slag you off to the suits?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31There will be no slagging off, Culhane.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34You'd be advised to be on your best behaviour
0:06:34 > 0:06:35and keep your mouths shut,
0:06:35 > 0:06:37and your cells had better be spotless.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41That means removing all inappropriate pictures
0:06:41 > 0:06:43of an explicit nature.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- SHELBY:- I resent that, Mr Meekie.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Any inappropriate pictures of an explicit nature in my cell
0:06:48 > 0:06:50happen to be of my wife.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02From an admirer, Dougie?
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Yeah. Bloke on the outside I did a favour for.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08He let him live.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09That was nice of him.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12If you're with me, Fletch, you get treats like this.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Fruit, steaks, Scotch.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Have a kiwi. See, I don't like kiwis.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Have two.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Thanks.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22You mulled over my idea about keeping your nose clean yet?
0:07:22 > 0:07:27I did, yeah. Only thing is, I'd lose face with my rivals.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30There's no serious ones. Nagid, maybe.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32He's scum.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34It's not who you are in the bin that counts, Dougie,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36it's how soon you can get out.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40All right. Goes against the grain, though.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41What you thinking?
0:07:41 > 0:07:45You and Nagid make your peace, come to a deal, whatever.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46You might take a slice of the action,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49but to all intents and purposes, you're out the game.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51I'll broker a meet. Like in the Middle East.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Hopefully without the rockets.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Where?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I was hoping a five-star hotel in Geneva.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Um, how about the chapel? It'd be nice and quiet.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Chapel's full of Holy Joes these days - priests, rabbis, imams.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Bang out of order.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Yeah, people praying in the chapel... Whatever next, eh?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Look, the BOVs are here on Wednesday.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Half the kangas will be showing them round the nick,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15so we'll have the recreation area to ourselves.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18You see, that's the kind of idea a consigliere comes up with.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21- I'm thinking of converting to Islam. - Oh, yeah?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- Yeah, you get better grub. - No, you haven't thought that through, Scuddsy.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27As a Muslim you can't eat pork. That means no more bacon in your sarnies.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Not even streaky?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I'm not a threat, I just want a word.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42I have a message from Parfitt.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43He's scum.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Funnily enough, that's what he called you.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47His words, not mine.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Anyway, I believe he wants out.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Doing the business, the deals, the naughty stuff.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55He wants to meet so you two can carve it up and shake hands.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58OK, make happen. What's your name?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Fletch. And you are...
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Nagid. From Doncaster.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Before that, the "old country".
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Right. Always wanted to go there.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- Why?- Well, don't they have beautiful women there?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Only in the mountains.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15But if you touch one, her brothers will cut off your testicles.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Oh... Bit like Newcastle.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Hardly worth it, then. But don't you have nice wine there?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Wine tastes like urine of donkey.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Beer tastes like urine of donkey.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Soup is made from...
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Urine of donkey?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34And the testicles of tourists who touch our women.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Oh. I can see why Doncaster appeals!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42The delegation will arrive at 9:30.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45After coffee in my office, you can take them on a walkabout.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Try to steer them towards classrooms and workshops.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51The art class is a good idea - they're always well behaved.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Very well, but not life drawing.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58No-one wants to see some tattooed hoodlum posing with his kit off.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- Will they be staying for lunch, ma'am?- Probably not.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03These people tend to prefer to eat somewhere with a wine list,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06but they will INSIST on seeing the kitchens.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08We'll have an overnight cleaning crew in, ma'am.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Good. But does anyone know what's on the menu?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- Oh, I'm told it's moussaka. - SIGHING:- Isn't that a bit ambitious?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Well, it's only Greek for shepherd's pie, ma'am.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19There'll be a vegetarian option, plus a pudding.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- Uh, fire buckets?- Will be filled.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- Graffiti?- Will be obliterated,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26especially the more obscene requests in the showers.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29And the ping-pong table?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Ah, now, it's arrived, but without bats and balls.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- Not necessary, as it will be going back on Thursday.- Oh.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37DOORS SLAM
0:10:38 > 0:10:43Is it "going down" tomorrow, as they used to say on Miami Vice?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- That's going back a bit. - Well, I do go back a bit.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48It had the best-looking women on the box.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Except maybe Charlie's Angels.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53MIMICS JOE: Well, it's going down tomorrow after lunch.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Don't sweat it, dude. I've got your back.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01That... That's what Starsky used to say to Hutch.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- How can you have my back when you're laying down on your bunk? - I'm with you in spirit.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Well, I've done all the spadework.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Talked to Parfitt, talked to Nagid.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Now all they've got to do is make a deal, have a knuckle bump
0:11:13 > 0:11:14and that will be the end of it, done and dusted.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17What, you mean two hard-core cons are supposed to kiss and make up
0:11:17 > 0:11:19with all this hate and egos,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21and you're in the middle of it, Fletch?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24You're a prime candidate for a get-well card!
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Who said that, Starsky or Hutch?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30No, Kojak. Uh, series three.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Incoming prisoners are processed and documented here.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39They hand in their clothes and personal possessions and, uh...
0:11:39 > 0:11:41then they're taken for a shower through there.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Quite traumatic for them, I imagine.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46They should have thought about that before they did what they did.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- So, you work here?- I'm a trusty.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53The position is one of privilege. He's not considered a risk, you see.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Not with my knees.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Mind you, all me other senses still function.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Very nice perfume.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Thank you. And when will you be released?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Why, do you want to fix a date?
0:12:08 > 0:12:12- MEEKIE CHORTLES - That'll do, Lotterby.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13This way, please.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21- MEEKIE:- Here we are.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23The BOVs are in the room, lads.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25They've upgraded the cleric... A bishop!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27It was a deacon last time.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28What d'you reckon the others are?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Well, I reckon the little one's a Labour MP.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Yeah, hasn't worked out how to fiddle her expenses
0:12:33 > 0:12:35and buy herself a decent suit yet.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39The bloke in the smart suit looks like something out of the city.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Venture capitalist, maybe. Hedge fund manager.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44A rich dick in a Range Rover.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Well, what about the other woman?
0:12:45 > 0:12:50Tweed jacket. Smart shoes. Country magistrate, I reckon.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Lives in a house half this nick would kill to burgle.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Ooh! She's clocked us.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Always meat and two veg, is it?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58No. Sometimes it's fish and two veg.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- Is that dessert? - Yes, your grace. Fruit pie.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03What kind of fruit?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Oh, I'm not sure, it's, uh...
0:13:05 > 0:13:07It comes out of a tin marked "Fruit Pie Filling".
0:13:10 > 0:13:12When you've finished your meal, Fletcher,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15one of the visitors has requested to see you.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- Me?- Yes.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18One on one?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- Yes.- To go through a check list, is it? "How is your cell?"
0:13:21 > 0:13:22"Pretty basic," tick.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23"How is the food?"
0:13:23 > 0:13:25"Pretty awful," tick.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26"How d'you find the prison officers?"
0:13:26 > 0:13:28"Surly and sadistic," tick.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29That sort of thing?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31It will get back to me, Fletcher.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34So you'd be well advised to give a good report.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36The do-gooders are only here for three hours,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39you are here for three years.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Comprende?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I didn't know you spoke Spanish, Mr Meekie.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I speak for all the prison staff.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Think on, Fletcher, think on.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Si, senor. Vaya con Dios.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01DOOR BLEEPS
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Here is the prisoner, ma'am. Do you wish me to stay?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06No, that won't be necessary.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Very well. I shall leave the door ajar.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Thank you.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- You're Nigel Fletcher.- Yes, ma'am.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17I wanted to have a private word. I'm Caroline Hawley.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Hawley? Are you related to...?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Davina, yes. I'm her mother.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Oh, shhh...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Oh, what are the chances, eh? Small world.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I visit several prisons,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31but when I was allocated this one it struck me that you were, um...
0:14:31 > 0:14:33- Guest here?- Yes.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37And I was, um...curious to meet the man
0:14:37 > 0:14:39who destroyed my daughter's life.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I think that's a bit strong.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Last I heard, she was living in a six-bedroom mansion and driving a Ferrari.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48- You led her astray.- I think we led each other astray, Ms Hawley.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Like the Bonnie and Clyde of the digital era.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- YOU stole the money! - Well, she helped me spend it!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Nonsense! Davina was an exemplary daughter.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57We didn't send her to private school
0:14:57 > 0:15:00so she would end up spending her life with the...likes of you!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- Hm. They don't teach loyalty at posh school, do they?- Oh!
0:15:03 > 0:15:07The minute I got collared, she took off with some Argentinian geezer who plays for Man City.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08Is she still with him?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11No, they've... just split up, actually.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13He's been transferred to Middlesbrough.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Middlesbrough? CHORTLES: I'd rather be in here.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19I don't detect any regret in your attitude.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Regret?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24I never broke the law until I met Davina.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Never so much as nicked a packet of chewing gum.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I'd a lovely life and I chucked it all away.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32So, yes, I have a lot of regrets.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Like getting in the middle of things with bad guys I'd rather avoid.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Wasting the best years of my life in a ten-foot cell,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39with no soft toilet roll.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41You've only yourself to blame.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Yeah. I keep telling meself that.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Anyway, thanks for dropping by.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- And give my regards to Davina. - I won't.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59DOORS SLAM
0:16:04 > 0:16:07OK, gentlemen, we all know why we're here.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08I think it's in all of our interests
0:16:08 > 0:16:10to negotiate a fair and equitable deal.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I want out. You can have my action.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15You can have my runners and my lookouts if you like.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17What do you want?
0:16:17 > 0:16:1830%.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Not unreasonable.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24How about I give you zip?
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Come again?
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Nada. Zilch. Nic.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Well, obviously, there's going to be a bit of ping-pong on the deal.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35But we have to start somewhere north of zilch.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Why?
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Because that's the way you do things.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Besides, I think Dougie's being more than generous.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Generous to a fault.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46You are yesterday's man. I am big face on block now.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48I am Nagid.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I bleed the blood of my five fathers.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52I think you mean forefathers.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53I had five.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57You're going to bleed it on that table if you give me that kind of lip.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Let's dial it back from blood on the table.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04You are through. You and your hairy-arsed friend.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06How d'you know I've got a hairy arse?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09What, you've been eyeing me up in the showers?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- No. Scuddsy... Scuddsy, stop.- Ooh!
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Oh, sorry about that.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25ALARM RINGS
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Ooh!
0:17:30 > 0:17:31- DRISCOLL:- Break it up!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36DRISCOLL GRUNTS
0:17:39 > 0:17:42So this is our recreation area...
0:17:42 > 0:17:45BISHOP: Is this some kind of drill, Governor?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47All right. All right, all right!
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Break it up! Break it up!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Oh!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- DRISCOLL:- I'm on it, Mr Meekie!
0:17:52 > 0:17:54ALARM CONTINUES
0:18:04 > 0:18:06HE GIGGLES
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Get your hands off me!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09What on earth do you think you're doing?!
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I'm trying to save you from a prison riot.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Let me out right now!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15No, trust me, Ms Hawley,
0:18:15 > 0:18:17you're better in here with me than you are out there with them.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Why would I trust you? You're a common criminal.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23No, I'm not. I'm an UNCOMMON criminal.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24I'm trying to help you out.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27That lot out there would take you hostage and nick your jewellery.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Right. Well, how long d'you think we'll be here?
0:18:30 > 0:18:34Dunno. Could be ten minutes. Could be ten hours.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36The last riot went on for three days and ended up on the roof.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- What are you like with heights? - Terrible.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40I have vertigo.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43All right. Well, just breathe through it.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47That's it. Good. Yeah. Go to your happy place.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Going anywhere nice on your holidays?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Yes, St Barts. Leaving on Monday, actually.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Oh, fish hooks, got so much to do.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55HE CHUCKLES
0:18:55 > 0:18:57What's so funny?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Oh, just then, when you went, "Oh, fish hooks, so much to do!"
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Sort of thing Davina used to say. CLATTERING FROM OUTSIDE
0:19:03 > 0:19:07- Well, I suppose we do have SOME similarities.- Mm.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Look, I know it doesn't matter, what's done is done.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12But I just want you to know -
0:19:12 > 0:19:14this is the worst experience of my life.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Being locked in a cupboard with me?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19No, prison.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20INMATE GROANS
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Anyone else want a piece of me?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28This was an extremely regrettable incident.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Especially in front of the bishop and the other visitors.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Well, it was subdued fairly promptly, ma'am
0:19:34 > 0:19:37and, uh, without resort to fire hose.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39So no-one got wet...
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Well, that'll be a great consolation
0:19:40 > 0:19:43when I submit my report to the Ministry of Justice.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45And what part did you play in all of this, Mr Braithwaite?
0:19:45 > 0:19:49- I-I-I was very much in the thick of it, ma'am.- Mm?
0:19:49 > 0:19:50I can vouch for that.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52He was with me under the pool table.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56Yeah, according to Mr Meekie, you arranged this meeting, Fletcher.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Sort of.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59What do you mean, "sort of"? You either did or you didn't.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I was coerced.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03But I figured I was doing the prison a favour.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Oh, you'll have to explain that to me.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Well, we all know that Nagid and Parfitt are bad boys.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11If they made their peace, less aggro for everyone, cons and kangas alike.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I see myself as one of those peacekeepers for the UN.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15You know, the ones with the pretty blue berets.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17But you did see exactly what happened?
0:20:17 > 0:20:18It was all a bit of a blur, ma'am.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20But I do remember Mr Meekie wading in
0:20:20 > 0:20:22without a thought for his own safety.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- How's the broken nose, sir? - Don't be facetious.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26It does look very nasty.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Perhaps I should get Senior Officer Sawbrick to take over your duties.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32He has a ruptured spleen, ma'am.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36It was an accident. He walked right into it.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Oh, what's the word?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42The Governor's holding an official inquiry.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43She knows I brokered the meet
0:20:43 > 0:20:46and she knows I know who did what to who and who did it first.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48So you're witness for the prosecution?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Exactly.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52If I point out Dougie, he might do serious solitary,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55but when he gets out, dire retribution will follow.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Same with Nagid.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00If I keep shtoom, the Governor will put time on my stretch.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01I'm completely snookered.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03I mean, what have I done to deserve this, Joe?
0:21:03 > 0:21:08Well... You hacked into computers to fraudulently access credit cards
0:21:08 > 0:21:10so that you could go on a spending binge
0:21:10 > 0:21:11with a posh bird called Davina.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13It's not rocket science.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17What if she refers it to an outside court?
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Well, then you get a day out.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20And you can wear that fancy suit you came here in.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21I thought you had my back.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24That doesn't sound very Starsky to my Hutch!
0:21:24 > 0:21:25I know I can rely on you, Fletch.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32Now... Drawing on the vast reservoir of my experience,
0:21:32 > 0:21:35I'd say this to you, Fletch...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Faced with a moral dilemma - which you are -
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I would always tell the truth.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- You would?- I would, yes.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Well, unless, of course, you can save your arse
0:21:45 > 0:21:47by lying through your teeth.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54These proceedings are now in session. Call the first witness.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I call Nigel Norman Fletcher.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03State your name!
0:22:03 > 0:22:05You just said it.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09State your name.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Nigel Norman Fletcher.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth
0:22:14 > 0:22:16and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I do.
0:22:18 > 0:22:23As we understand it, you set up a meeting between Nagid Dragoti
0:22:23 > 0:22:24and Douglas Parfitt.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- I did.- To what end?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28They were rivals.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I sought to broker a reconciliation
0:22:30 > 0:22:33in the interests of harmony and stability for us all.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37So, you were there when the violence erupted?
0:22:37 > 0:22:38No, sir.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41MEN ALL TALK AT ONCE
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Then where were you?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45It's on the record. I was under the pool table.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47But presumably you ducked under there
0:22:47 > 0:22:49after the first blow was struck,
0:22:49 > 0:22:51which you therefore must have witnessed.
0:22:51 > 0:22:56Well, I was standing there, but, um, I was feeling faint.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Yeah. It always happens to me in times of violence,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I come over all dizzy.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01But the violence hadn't started.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05No, but I could sense it in the air. Prison does that to you.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07But I don't know who hit who first.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09I should remind you that there are serious consequences
0:23:09 > 0:23:10if you lie under oath.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Who struck the first blow?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21FLETCHER SIGHS Hmm...
0:23:21 > 0:23:22I did.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25YOU did?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I jabbed Nagid in the belly with a pool cue.
0:23:28 > 0:23:33So, we have an admission, your honour. Governor!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Are you sure this is how it happened, Fletcher?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Yes, Governor. Bang to rights.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43That's not how it was. He never hurt Nagid.
0:23:43 > 0:23:49He's lying to protect me, cos that's the kind of bloke Fletch is!
0:23:51 > 0:23:54So, it was you who threw the first punch?
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Yeah. It was me. I did it.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02I smashed Nagid round the head and I perforated his eardrum.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03What? What did he say?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05INMATES ALL SQUABBLE
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Quiet, all of you!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11All right, all right. Look, everyone, please, calm down,
0:24:11 > 0:24:12this is getting completely out of control.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Listen, Scuddsy, sit down, you know you can't do solitary -
0:24:15 > 0:24:17you're frightened of the dark.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Governor... The facts of the case are simple.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24I struck the first blow and caused this whole affray.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Now, sling me down the hole and throw away the key.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Can anyone lend me Harry Potter?
0:24:32 > 0:24:33DOOR SLAMS
0:24:34 > 0:24:36BUZZER
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Move yourself, Fletcher.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Already?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41The Governor's had a change of heart. Don't ask me why.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44But I'm halfway through Goblet Of Fire.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Are you alive or dead?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Alive.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Male or female?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- Male.- Have you got big ears?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01What a waste of a question.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Why does it matter what size his ears are?
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Well, it matters to me.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05I have, actually.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Are you Big Ears?
0:25:09 > 0:25:10No.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Oh! Uh, Dumbo!
0:25:11 > 0:25:12No.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- BRAITHWAITE:- Gary Lineker. - He's done it again.- Oh!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- Ooh! - SCUDDS:- Ladies...
0:25:20 > 0:25:23This is for you, Fletch. Fortnum and Mason.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I ate the strawberries, I couldn't help myself.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26No worries, Dougs.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Was I right or was I right to make this man my consigliere?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32You were right. Double right.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35That was a lovely piece of consigliglierying you did
0:25:35 > 0:25:36at the hearing.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Yeah, created chaos, confusion and, uh...
0:25:40 > 0:25:42There's another word out there, what is it?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Obfuscation.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45That'll do.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47They was all obfusced, that's for sure.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Yeah, well. They won't be happy they didn't smoke us, Dougie.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52They'll want payback.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54That's why I think it's probably best I step aside
0:25:54 > 0:25:57from my consigliere duties for the time being, know what I'm saying?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Maybe you're right. You lie low for a bit.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Well done.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05You were great, Fletch. You're a ledge.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07HE GROANS
0:26:07 > 0:26:10It weren't tactical genius, Scuddsy, I wanted to go down.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I thought a month in the hole was the only way I could get out of this mess.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- I've still no idea why they let me out.- Fletcher...
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- Hello, Mr Meekie.- Another situation you've wriggled out of.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25You seem to be very adept at wriggling.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27I'm just trying to survive, Mr Meekie.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30And I'm not out of the woods yet, with Nagid still on the block.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Bad news for me and bad news for you.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Oh, he's going.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34You what?
0:26:36 > 0:26:40He has been transferred at the recommendation of Mrs Hawley.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44Ah! The woman whose aid I heroically ran to during the fracas.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Well, she seems quite taken with you.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I can't think why.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Well, we used to run in the same circles.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50You know, country house weekends,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- grouse shoots, polo matches, that sort of thing.- Mm.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55That'll explain why you're out the hole early
0:26:55 > 0:26:57and there's a present from her in your cell.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- There is?- Yeah, see for yourself.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01But Fletcher...
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Even though you have friends in high places, just you remember -
0:27:05 > 0:27:07I'll still be breathing down your neck
0:27:07 > 0:27:13because I know, deep, deep down in my gut, that you're at it.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16That sounds painful. You want to get that looked at.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21What on earth's this?!
0:27:21 > 0:27:24I've no idea. Screw shoved it in a while ago.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Maybe it's that 60ft ladder you ordered from Amazon.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Sort of the wrong shape.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36- My!- What is it?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Looks like a lifetime supply of soft toilet roll!
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Wa-hey!