0:00:02 > 0:00:04Nigel Norman Fletcher, you have been found guilty of the charges
0:00:04 > 0:00:08brought against you, and it is now my duty to pass sentence.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Cyber-crime is a modern menace.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17A man of your obvious ingenuity and intelligence
0:00:17 > 0:00:20might have used his gifts on behalf of society.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Instead, you chose to employ them in a pursuit of self-indulgence,
0:00:27 > 0:00:29greed, and gain.
0:00:31 > 0:00:36You will now face the consequences, and go to prison for five years.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42How you all doing out there? Or should I say, "In there"?
0:00:42 > 0:00:45This is National Prison Radio, made by prisoners for prisoners.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Later on, we'll be looking forward to all the weekend's sport,
0:00:48 > 0:00:50but first, this from you know who.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54We should have our own radio station. You know, Radio Wakeley.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55I could do that. I could be the DJ.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57You have got the banter, Fletch.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Gift of the gab, that's for sure.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01I reckon I'd be good at it. Play some good music,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03tell a few jokes, I could even do interviews,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- I could do you, Joe. - Why would you want to interview me?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Britain's oldest prisoner.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12No, I'm not. There's an axe murderer in Durham who's 86.
0:01:13 > 0:01:1686! How long's he been in?
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Two years.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Two years?! What, so he topped someone at 84?
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Well, it was manslaughter rather than murder, so he'll be out
0:01:26 > 0:01:28when he's 110.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30See, this is what I'm talking about.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Scintillating anecdotes from a man who's seen it all.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Well, reluctant as I am to leave this pointless conversation,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38I'm late for work.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- Why's it pointless? - Because Meekie's not going to
0:01:40 > 0:01:42want to hear you gabbing off every morning.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45He's got a point there, Fletch. Hard to swing that one.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47It's worth a try.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I could do weather! Weather and traffic!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54What traffic?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Clockwise congestion in the showers?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I have got a bit of congestion, as it goes.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Welcome to Wakeley. By the time you've got that lot off,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10you'll be halfway through your sentence.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Yeah. Well, I get them back, right?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I mean, there's some good memories there.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20Oh, yeah, don't worry, it'll all be locked away nice and safe.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Like me, then, eh?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Oh, no, no. I said your stuff will be nice and safe.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I can't promise that you will be.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Lot of nutters in here.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32I'm only joking.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Are you?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35No.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Good news, though - you're early, so the showers might still be warm.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42They're through there.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Chin up, it'll fly by.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Really?
0:02:47 > 0:02:48No.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53MUSIC PLAYS
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Ms Driscoll, turn that up, it's a tune!
0:02:56 > 0:02:57It's loud enough.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Don't you like this music, Ms Driscoll?- Not bad.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03What's your sort of thing, then? I bet it's all Michael Buble
0:03:03 > 0:03:05and magnolia candles round your house, innit?
0:03:05 > 0:03:10What goes on in my house is my business, Fletcher.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Just making small talk.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Very funny.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18If you must know, I'm a big fan of Take That.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Oh, yeah? Who's your favourite?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Gary? Robbie? Little Mark?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Not Howard?!
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Howard?! That's just wrong!
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I'm a big fan of Jason Orange myself.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37That geezer's got some serious moves!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39ALL CHEER
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Shel! Shel! Shel!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44What on earth is going on here?!
0:03:44 > 0:03:47This is a place of work, not a discotheque.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49It's Fletcher, sir. He's playing up.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Oh, why does that not surprise me?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Charge of insubordination is not going to look good on your record,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57is it, Fletcher?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- Is it?- No, sir.- No, sir.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Turn that racket off, Driscoll.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Why'd you do that, Mr Meekie? That's a mad groove. Keeps us happy.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Being happy's important, Mr Meekie.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13If we're happy, we're chill, if we're chill, we're mellow,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15and if we're mellow, we don't cause no bother.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17No. If you're focused, you're efficient,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19if you're efficient, you're productive,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- and if you're productive, you're... - A loser.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28What did you say?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I said, "Yes, sir".
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Music is therapeutic, beneficial, and increases productivity.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35According to who?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37The University of Omsk. Or was it Tomsk?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- I can't remember. - What a load of tosh.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41No, I read it. So did Shel. We all did.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- Every word. - I couldn't put it down.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Melodious sounds encourage the release of dopamine
0:04:46 > 0:04:47in the reward centre of the brain.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50You're not here to be rewarded! You're here to be punished.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Yeah, society must extract its petty revenge.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Yes, indeed. Speaking of which, come with me, Fletcher.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- Come with you where? - The Governor wants to see you.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Does she want some company for lunch?
0:05:01 > 0:05:06You are one very small step away from going on report, laddie.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11Now, apologise to Officer Driscoll for creating a disturbance.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Sorry, Ms Driscoll.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Whatever I said, whatever I did...
0:05:15 > 0:05:16- ALL:- He didn't mean it.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25We have a new arrival who's causing us some concern.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28We have his medical report from where he was being held on remand,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30and he appears to be in some distress.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- That's not surprising. - What do you mean?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Well, it's not exactly Center Parcs in here, is it?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Quiet, Fletcher.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39This prisoner is suffering from depression.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41There may even be suicidal tendencies.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42What do you want from me?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45We'd like you to be a listener.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- A what? - We want you to connect with him.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Get to know him and monitor his situation.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50You want me to be a snitch?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52- Not at all. - Yes, you do.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I become his friend, listen to what he's got to say, then I tell you -
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- that's a snitch. That's grassing someone up.- I did express a concern
0:05:58 > 0:06:01that Fletcher wasn't exactly suitable for this assignment, Ma'am.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I think he's highly suitable.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Fletcher's one of the brightest people in here.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Apart from that Oxford don who poisoned his mother-in-law.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13We wouldn't want you in any way to betray confidences.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Just watch for warning signs in his behaviour.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- We'd have to move you into his cell, of course.- I don't know about that.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Being locked up all night with a suicidal maniac?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23He's not a maniac, he's a depressive.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Oh, that's all right, then. Be a laugh a minute.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28There is another factor you should be aware of -
0:06:28 > 0:06:31he's well known in certain areas.
0:06:31 > 0:06:36What areas? Snowdonia? New Forest? Hampstead Heath?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Professionally. Some of the other inmates may recognise him.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Off the telly, is he? Please say it's Piers Morgan!
0:06:45 > 0:06:49For God's sake, he's a rock star. His name is Rob Strange.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Rob Strange? The lead singer with Dirty Curtsy?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- Whoever they are. - I'll do what I can.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Mind you, there is an unwritten rule inside, relating to us and them.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- Quid pro quo. Tit for tat. - Meaning?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Meaning, what's in it for me?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Let's just say I would not be ungrateful.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08In that case, I'd like to start up our own radio station.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Radio Wakeley. I just need a spot to set up some gear,
0:07:10 > 0:07:11and I'll be the resident DJ.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Anything to get out of making lobster pots, is that it?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Well, I couldn't do both, Mr Meekie.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18I might be prepared to consider that.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- All right, I'll do what I can. - Thank you. You can go.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24When I get my radio show up and running,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I want to do a sort of Desert Island Discs thing.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28You can be my first guest, Mr Meekie, so start making a list,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31but remember, you can only have one Justin Bieber record.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Just arrived? - Yeah.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43They give all the new blokes a mop and a bucket.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47I suppose they think it eases you in. I'm Fletch. Got a name?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Just a number in here.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Yeah, still got to assert your identity, though, ain't you?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53That's why we've all got tattoos and haircuts.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Got enough tats.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57And you used to have a lot more hair, too, didn't you?
0:07:57 > 0:07:58I know who you are, Rob.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I remember when you used to look like this.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Another lifetime, man.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Yeah. I saw you play at the O2.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I went with my ex. It's a special memory for me.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Birthday or something, was it?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15The night before I got nicked.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Yeah, that was a one-off charity gig, you know.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20And the band sort of split up after that.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- Creative differences? - Partly, yeah.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27But I also swizzled the drummer's old lady.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28What, his wife?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30No, his mum.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36So what happened when the band split up?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Oh, I was all over the place, you know.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I didn't have a reason to get up in the morning.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Weren't you dating Miss Finland?
0:08:42 > 0:08:46That would have got me up in the morning.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48And probably again after a bacon sandwich.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54I went on a six month bender. I was really caning it.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58I got into crystal meth, and then I ended up cooking it.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02- Where was this? - Chipping Norton.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04There's a crystal meth lab in Chipping Norton?!
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Who were you working for the Stow-on-the-Wold cartel?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11No, no, I wasn't supplying, it was just a bit of personal, you know?
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Years ago, I bought this massive gaff in the country,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18and I was cooking crystal meth in the shed at the bottom
0:09:18 > 0:09:19of the garden.
0:09:19 > 0:09:25- In a shed?- Yeah, and one night, I had this terrible accident.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29The whole thing, you know, it just sort of, like, blew up.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33And the shed ended up in the graveyard, OK,
0:09:33 > 0:09:39and it demolished three headstones,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41and killed a cat.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Killed a cat! That's a year on your stretch right there.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49- Heavy trip, man, being sent down. - Don't worry, Rob.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I think they're putting you in a cell with me,
0:09:51 > 0:09:52so we can see it through together.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55You don't want to hang out with me, Fletch. I'll just drag you down.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Could be worse, mate.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58You could be one of Coldplay.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- What are you doing? - Moving out.- How come?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I've been tasked from above.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11They're putting me in a cell with this bloke, Rob.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I've got to report what he says and how he behaves.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Oh, you're a snitch.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17No! Shh! I'm a listener.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Yeah, that's a snitch. Lowest of the low.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23No, this is different. He's got suicidal tendencies.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27- I might save his life. - Rob, did you say? I processed him.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30He's a Hell's Angel or something, isn't he?
0:10:30 > 0:10:35- No, he's a rock star, which makes me the friend of a rock star.- Mm.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- He's in a big rock band called Dirty Curtsy.- Never heard of them.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Well, that's hardly surprising, Joe. What was the last record you bought?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Da Ya Think I'm Sexy? Rod Stewart.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48And were you sexy in those days?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Well, Deirdre Ennersly thought so.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56- All right, I have to ask... - Oh, she were lovely.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02The bell rang, I opened the door and there she stood, like a vision,
0:11:02 > 0:11:04in overalls and a tool belt.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I said, "Who are you?"
0:11:08 > 0:11:14She said, "I'm Deirdre, and I've come to convert you to natural gas".
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Well, you dream of Deirdre while I'm gone.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24And it's only temporary - I'll be back.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Oh, don't rush back on my account.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28It's a luxury having a cell to yourself.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I might keep to the bottom bunk, though,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33cos if I go up top, I might never get down again.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34I won't be missed, then?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37It'll be nice to live in a fart-free zone for a change.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43All right, Rob?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Yeah, yeah. You know the ropes, Fletch - am I up or down?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Down. We don't want you leaping off the top bunk, do we?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Oi!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- What are you doing?! - Those pills, where did you get them?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Have you found a dealer already?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I got them off the MO. They're my anti-depressants.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Oh. Sorry. I thought they were laxatives.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08You know, two blokes, one loo, small cell - not a good idea!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Probably a bit smaller than what you're used to.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Yeah. I went to a Buddhist retreat once. It was either that or rehab.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19I lived in this monastic cell. It was smaller than this one.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- Where was that, Katmandu? - Warrington.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Well, hopefully that experience will get you through this.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Feel free to "Om" any time you want.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32They won't give me a hard time in here, Fletch, will they?
0:12:32 > 0:12:33You know, because I'm famous.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36You're a rock star, Rob. That's legendary status right there.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Might have been a different situation if you'd won the Bake-Off.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- I'll bet you've got some good stories.- I've got a few, yeah.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47You know, I'm going to get this radio station up and running,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49and when I do, you can be me first guest.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- Oh, what would I talk about? - I don't know.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55The surprising sonic sensibilities of Metallica's last album?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Or just how about how many birds you've had in a hot tub.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- Seven. - Brilliant.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02No, no, it was six, actually,
0:13:02 > 0:13:06cos one of them wasn't "technically" a woman.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16You all right, Rob?
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Yeah.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- Can't sleep? - I can't sleep
0:13:20 > 0:13:24because you keep asking me if I'm all right every ten minutes.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Sorry, mate. I know how it is, first night inside.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Desperate. If you need to talk, I'm a good listener.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33When I say, "I'm a good listener,"
0:13:33 > 0:13:35I don't mean I'm a listener who tells other people.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I mean that I don't mind listening, you know, for myself.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Yeah, whatever. I could kill for a smoke.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48I think I've got some gum somewhere.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52There was a reason I had my meltdown when I did, Fletch.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54In the shed in Chippy?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Something really heavy happened after that last gig.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03This girl called Astrid comes backstage afterwards.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Swedish, she's about 22.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08She's studying Archaeology in the UK.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13I can imagine for myself, Rob. Gorgeous girl in your dressing room,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16glass of bubbly, plate of chicken wings. Who can blame you?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20She said I was her dad.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24No, no, go back to chicken wings!
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Yeah, well, I thought she was trying it on,
0:14:25 > 0:14:29so I got security to haul her arse out of there.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33And then I looked at my old diaries, and I realised who her mum was.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I was only with her about three months.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37So she really was your daughter?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Yeah. And I blanked her out.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41And now it's doing my head in.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Don't beat yourself up, Rob. You can still find her.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48There are ways. Let me have a think about it.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49How did you end up in here?
0:14:49 > 0:14:54I was a hacker. Top drawer. Had it away for a while.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Then I went on a binge with this girl, Davina.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59She was gorgeous. Quite posh and all.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Went to the same school as Kate Middleton.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- Oh, expensive tastes? - Not many.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06I was ripping off credit cards to pay for her lifestyle.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Course, she dumped me the day I got done.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Took off with some Argentinian geezer who plays for Man City.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Lives in a mansion now.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19His and hers Ferraris, a helipad, and a wood-fired pizza oven.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22And he don't even play for the first team.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24I hate Man City.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- Who's your team, then? - Palace.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Oh! I can see why you need those pills.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34As the newest member of the group, Rob,
0:15:34 > 0:15:36is there anything you'd like to say?
0:15:36 > 0:15:37I miss hair.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Hair?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42He used to have a lot of it. Tell her why you cut it off.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47I just wanted to get rid of the old Rob Strange and find a new identity.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49If I had your talent, I'd parlay my pain into music.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Write songs about it. That's what's the blues is all about -
0:15:52 > 0:15:55freight trains, cotton fields, pain, misery.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57FLETCHER IMITATES BLUES RIFF
0:15:57 > 0:15:58# I woke up this morning...#
0:15:58 > 0:15:59FLETCHER IMITATES BLUES RIFF
0:15:59 > 0:16:01They all start like that, don't they?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03FLETCHER IMITATES BLUES RIFF
0:16:03 > 0:16:06# I woke up this morning, I missed the bus...#
0:16:06 > 0:16:08FLETCHER IMITATES BLUES RIFF
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- # I woke up this morning...# - Fletcher!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15It'd be a blessing if I didn't wake up one morning.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Listen, mate, Irish is right. Write about sad stuff.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Of course, no-one minted more out of misery than Morrissey.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24He turned a whole generation into manic depressives.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- No point. It's all been said. - No, it hasn't, Rob.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Your music spoke to the disenfranchised,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32the disillusioned, and the downtrodden.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- How do you know? - I had all his records at uni.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37And I saw him live. Seven times.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42Seven times? I thought you looked familiar.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45THEY CHEER LADDISHLY
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Can you sign my arm, please?
0:16:51 > 0:16:52It's not for me.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Fletcher!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- How are you finding him? - It's a tricky one, Doc.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07He's a nice bloke, but he's got a lot of baggage.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Another victim of too much too soon, much like myself.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Would it help if he worked alongside you?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Oh, no. Too much varnish in the workshop.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- Varnish? - A couple of glugs,
0:17:17 > 0:17:19arriverderci.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22And I wouldn't let him have any bleach when he's mopping floors.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Yeah, good point. Are you finding it a strain, Fletcher?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I can't pretend it isn't a lot of stress.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Like walking on eggshells.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of that DJ gig
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I was promised.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36You weren't promised, Fletcher, and there are no guarantees.
0:17:36 > 0:17:41All I will say is that the Governor is not ungrateful.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Let me ask you something -
0:17:43 > 0:17:45did you have a little poster of him up on your bedroom wall?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48A lock of his hair in a little box?
0:17:48 > 0:17:53- A tattoo of his name on your...? - None of your business.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55And I had it removed when I got engaged.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Visiting day today. Got anyone in?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Yeah, Weasel.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Your drummer? I thought you swizzled his mum?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Yeah, well, I wasn't the only one.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Have you got anyone coming in?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Yeah, my ex. - Davina?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21No, Karen, the one I dumped for Davina.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25I've got horrible feeling she's come to give me a piece of her mind.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26That's a nice washbag.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Now, before you start, I'd just like to say...
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Start what?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Well, you've obviously come here cos you've got the hump.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43- I haven't got the hump. - Really?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46On the contrary, it's very good to see you.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- Is it? - It is.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50In here.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Oh, I see. You've come to gloat have you?
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Yeah, I have.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Can we just be civil? - Yeah, sure.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Is the food nice?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- No. - Good.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- Right, I'm done.- Oh, no, I'm only just getting started,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Nigel. - I hate it when you call me Nigel.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10I know.
0:19:12 > 0:19:19You, Nigel, are an unfeeling, insensitive, chauvinistic pig.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- You devastated me. - I know.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24And I'm sorry.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I was selfish and I was stupid, and I'm sorry.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31See that bloke over there?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Not the one with the ponytail, the one sitting opposite him.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35The one who looks like a bald Rob Strange?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Shh!
0:19:37 > 0:19:38That IS Rob Strange.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41And he's paranoid about losing his barnet.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Well, they've put me in a cell with him. Got to know him a bit.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Now, he really has lost everything. House, wife, money.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- Hair. - Shh!
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I used to love Rob Strange.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Such a shame to see him like this.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59You know what? You could do me a favour.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Him, do HIM a favour, not me.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- Strange.- You what?- How is he?
0:20:10 > 0:20:11He's still alive.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14No small feat when you consider how easy it is to get a weapon in here.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16How is his general demeanour?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Well, he's in prison, so he's been better.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- I have an idea that might accelerate his recovery.- Go on.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Transfer him to the hospital wing, and put me in the bed next to him.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- Nice try, Fletcher. - I'm just putting it out there.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I know you'd never forgive yourself if anything happened to him.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Stop trying to manipulate everything to your own advantage.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Nothing much else to do in here.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36I need to ask you a...favour.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- A what? - A favour.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Is it one that I can manipulate to me own advantage?
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Oh, for God's sake, man!
0:20:42 > 0:20:46I want you to ask Prisoner Strange to autograph these.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Rock fan, Mr Meekie! Who knew?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Do I look like a rock fan?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55I despise the music, the lyrics are offensive,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57the ones you can understand.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Maybe you should ask him yourself. You've got a way with words.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- Perhaps not. Best wishes to...? - Doon..
0:21:05 > 0:21:08No. Doon.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11It's the name of my wife.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Ah. Big fan, is she?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15In her youth, yes.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- Did she ever see them live? - I gather she saw them a few times.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- Did she ever go backstage? - I know where you're going with this!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- And don't!- I seem to be doing everyone favours these days.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Hope this'll be noted on my record. - The Governor will not be ungrateful.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30And if you get those signed, neither will I.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37ATTEMPTED SCOTTISH ACCENT: The Governor will not be ungrateful.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I think they're my favourite words in the English language.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44Right up there with, "Mr Fletcher, we're upgrading you to first class".
0:21:44 > 0:21:49Mine would be "Not guilty, Lotterby, case dismissed".
0:21:49 > 0:21:53That's a good one, yeah. Or how about, "This is the concierge.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56"Miss Scarlett Johansson would like to see you in the suite".
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- Who? - Scarlett Johansson. She...
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Oh, don't worry, it's a sexual thing, Joe.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04You're a bit out of touch with that since Deirdre from the Gas Board.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08That's where you're wrong. There was conjugal visits in me last nick.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I've had it off a lot more recent than you think.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Yeah? How recent?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16July the 27th.
0:22:16 > 0:22:181998.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Morning, all.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24You're listening to radio made by prisoners for prisoners.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26The M25 is gridlocked, the pound's sinking,
0:22:26 > 0:22:28there's a Tube strike tomorrow.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Trust me, lads - you're better off inside.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Thanks for doing this, Karen, I'm really grateful.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Oh, I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for Rob.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Well, maybe this can start the process of healing between us.
0:22:52 > 0:22:57Easy to talk about healing when you're not the one who was wounded.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59You're not the one who had a stake through your heart
0:22:59 > 0:23:02with your entrails bleeding on the floor...
0:23:02 > 0:23:05All right, keep it light. Look, I said I'm sorry, and I meant it.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Do you want me to come again?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Erm...
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Well, I just think that seeing me
0:23:10 > 0:23:14seems to remind you of so much hurt and betrayal, you know?
0:23:14 > 0:23:18I just think it's so much better - for your sake, not for mine -
0:23:18 > 0:23:21that we make some space between us.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22You're probably right.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Really?
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Well, I mean, if that's your decision, then
0:23:27 > 0:23:30I guess I'll just have to live with it.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Oh, er, I got you this.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35I don't like white chocolate.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I know. Bye, Nigel.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42ALARM SOUNDS
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Visiting time's over. Prisoners, return to their cell blocks.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Do you think somebody's gone over the wall?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- In the middle of the afternoon? - Well...
0:23:56 > 0:23:58It's your rock star mate. He's on the roof.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Stay exactly where you are, Strange!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Excuse me, Governor. Fletcher here thinks he can help.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- Really? - Well, you've hardly helped so far.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14You were supposed to be monitoring his condition, Fletcher.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I did, Doc. But something's triggered this.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Let me go up there and talk to him.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Governor, the only person qualified to negotiate in this situation
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- is Dr Marsden. - Unfortunately, I can't.
0:24:25 > 0:24:30I haven't completed my safe working at heights training.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Don't do anything you'll regret later!
0:24:32 > 0:24:33He won't regret anything if he jumps.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36He'll be splattered all over the concrete. Let me go up there.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- I've got some info that might make a difference.- What info?
0:24:38 > 0:24:42It's between him and me, Gov. Trust me, I can do this.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Governor, I must protest in the strongest possible terms.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47This is a total breach of prison protocol.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51You're right, Meekie. It's far too dangerous up there.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55It's wet, slippery, you could fall to your death.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Fair enough.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59On second thoughts, let's give Fletcher a chance.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- What are you doing here? - Oh, sorry.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13I didn't realise you were up here. I was looking for someone else.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Don't leave me, Fletch!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17It's all right, I'm here.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Nice view, innit?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23On a clear day, you can almost see the glue factory.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Stop making jokes, Fletch. I can't stand this.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Can we have this conversation somewhere else?
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Don't come any closer. My mind's made up.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35I can't hack feeling like this.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Even if I do my stretch, what's waiting for me when I get out?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- Well, there's your daughter. - What you talking about?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- I got my ex to trace her. - Really?
0:25:45 > 0:25:49They've made contact on Facebook, and they've spoken on the phone.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50She wants to see you, Rob.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01You're not having me on, are you, Fletch?
0:26:01 > 0:26:05I swear to God. Now, can we go downstairs?
0:26:05 > 0:26:09It's fish pie tonight. Best meal of the week,
0:26:09 > 0:26:11if you don't eat the fish. Come on.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- Help me! Rob! - I can't, it's too dangerous!
0:26:16 > 0:26:20- I might fall to my death! - Rob, please! Take my hand!
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Whatever you do, don't look down!
0:26:25 > 0:26:29FLETCHER GRUNTS AND MOANS
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Oh, you! Oh!
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Did you slip?
0:26:40 > 0:26:44I'd like to thank you, Fletcher, on behalf of myself and all the staff.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45What's going to happen to him?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48He's in hospital, and his daughter's already arranged to visit.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50I'm recommending that he's transferred to an open prison.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Good idea. Much more amenable to recovery, that.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57I should go with him. We can take tennis lessons together.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59That's not going to happen,
0:26:59 > 0:27:01but I am aware that we owe you a debt of gratitude.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Well, if you remember, I had a thought about that.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05You did indeed.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08It's good to have you safely back down in one piece, Fletcher.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12- Isn't it, Mr Meekie? - Oh...
0:27:15 > 0:27:20Wakey, wakey, this is Radio Wakeley, with me, Fletch!
0:27:20 > 0:27:23This is The Breakfast Show, you'll be waking up with me every morning.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25No, not like that!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Today, we're saying goodbye to our mate, Rob Strange.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30He's off to an open prison. Good luck, Rob.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32He's left some signed CDs
0:27:32 > 0:27:34for those of you who didn't get a chance to shake his hand in person.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37To win yourself one, you've just got to answer this one question -
0:27:37 > 0:27:42how many times did Mr Meekie's wife go backstage with Rob and his band?
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Was it A, five times, B, six times,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48or C, 13 times?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51While you think about that, here's Status Quo...
0:27:51 > 0:27:54SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..with Doon, Doon, Deeper And Doon.