0:00:02 > 0:00:03JUDGE: Nigel Norman Fletcher,
0:00:03 > 0:00:05you have been found guilty of the charges
0:00:05 > 0:00:08brought against you and it is now my duty to pass sentence.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10DOOR CLOSES
0:00:10 > 0:00:11KEY TURNS LOCK
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Cyber-crime is a modern menace.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16A man of your obvious ingenuity
0:00:16 > 0:00:20and intelligence might have used his gifts on behalf of society.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23DOORS CLOSE, BUZZER BEEPS, BARS CLOSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Instead, you chose to employ them in the pursuit of self-indulgence,
0:00:27 > 0:00:29greed and gain.
0:00:31 > 0:00:37You will now face the consequences and go to prison for five years.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42ALARM BEEPS OWL HOOTS
0:00:42 > 0:00:48- Ow! Hell's Bells! - Oh, bloody hell, Fletch!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Every bloody morning you wake me up at some ungodly hour.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Duty calls, Joe. Go back to sleep.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56I can't go back to sleep. When I'm awake, I'm awake.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58CRUNCHING
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- What was that noise? - What was what noise?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03That crunching noise. You stood on something.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- No, I didn't.- It better not be my Leaning Tower Of Pisa.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10It's leaning a bit further now.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16Aw, Fletch! I got a special mention for that in art class.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Just a bit of glue, that's all it needs.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Labour of love, this was, you know. Kept me sane.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Gave me a sense of pride and accomplishment.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- Meant a lot to me. - Well, if it meant that much to you,
0:01:27 > 0:01:30you shouldn't have left it on the floor, should you?
0:01:30 > 0:01:31I could've got a splinter.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Come on, Fletcher. Early bird catches the worm.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- Look, I'll make it up to you, all right?- You can start
0:01:36 > 0:01:38by not waking me up at the crack of dawn every morning.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40All right.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Good morning losers, larcenists, layabouts.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Lots to talk about today. Congratulations to Scuddsy for
0:01:47 > 0:01:49passing his massage therapy course
0:01:49 > 0:01:52or, as his first client described it, GBH.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54But, first, here's a song for all those poor blokes
0:01:54 > 0:01:56that are in here for something they didn't do.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59They didn't run fast enough.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00# Keep on running
0:02:02 > 0:02:04# Keep on hiding
0:02:05 > 0:02:08# One fine day I'm gonna be the one
0:02:08 > 0:02:10# To make you understand
0:02:10 > 0:02:12# Oh, yeah
0:02:12 > 0:02:14# I'm gonna be your man
0:02:15 > 0:02:16# Hey, hey, hey
0:02:16 > 0:02:20# Everyone is talking about me
0:02:20 > 0:02:22# It makes me feel so sad
0:02:22 > 0:02:24# Hey, hey, hey
0:02:24 > 0:02:26# Everyone is laughing at me
0:02:26 > 0:02:29# It makes me feel so bad
0:02:29 > 0:02:31# So keep on running... #
0:02:32 > 0:02:33You know what?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Incarceration's a funny thing, innit?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38At least on the outside you get to choose who you bunk down with.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41On the inside, it's wrong'un roulette, innit?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44I'm starting to miss my ex-girlfriends.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I had one who was a thoroughbred lunatic but at least she smelt nice,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50unlike some people in here. Naming no names.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Anyway, here's a song for my cellmate - Joe Lotterby -
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Or in your case, Joe, smells like moth balls.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Good show today, Fletch. I was just wondering,
0:03:09 > 0:03:13could you play some Chas and Dave, London's finest?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I might be able to. Any preferences?
0:03:15 > 0:03:20Snooker Loopy maybe? Or Gertcha?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Wallop! That's a tune!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25You're a dark horse, aren't you, Shel?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- You never play any hip-hop. - I can't please everyone.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- Are you ever going to play any Yes? - No.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Hold on to your handbags, here comes Ullett.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- Is this seat taken?- Yes. - Don't look like it.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40You know you're not welcome, Ullett.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44- It's nothing personal, it's just we don't like you.- Why not?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Cos you're a thieving little git who'd sell his own grandmother.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Who told you that? - The bloke who bought her.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54I'll tell you what, if you can tell us a joke we ain't heard before,
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- we'll let you have your breakfast with us.- All right.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59This elephant walks into a bar...
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Heard it. Get lost.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Enjoyed your show. How come you never play any U2?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Aren't things bad enough as it is?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Tell you what, I might you do you a favour if you can help me out.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- What favour's that?- Seeing as you're our resident tattoo artist,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I wondered if you could take them off as well as put 'em on?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Cos I think it's time I got rid of "Davina."
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Well, I can't take 'em off but I can cover 'em up.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Davina, though, a lot of letters.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Shame I never went for someone called called Joy.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I'll fit you in, it's the least I can do.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Bro, you've got that DJ business down.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35You could do it when you go out. Maybe even the BBC.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38What? Stuck in a radio booth all week for a few hundred quid?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40No, no, no.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Freelance DJ, now you're talking.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Backpack and a memory stick.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Parties in Dubai, Moscow, Hong Kong,
0:04:47 > 0:04:4950K a night and A-list crumpet.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Got it all worked out, have you? Bit premature.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- You've got at least three years ahead of you.- Not necessarily.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- What's that mean?- Not saying.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58What do you know that we don't?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- Not saying. Don't want to jinx it. - Jinx what?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03What I'm not prepared to say nothing about.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I'll tell you what, I'm taking a phone call at the end of the day,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10after which I might be able to shed some light.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Shed some light! I've got it. You're doing your electrician's course.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Give me strength.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19What you got there, Joe?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23About four weeks of painstaking work in ruins.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26You know I have to get up before sparrow's fart and I have to
0:05:26 > 0:05:28get dressed in the dark, and you leave things on the floor.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Trouble in paradise. The honeymoon is over.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Tell you what, you said you had an embarrassing tat
0:05:33 > 0:05:36you wanted to get rid of. Irish will take care of it on me.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Gang tat, is it? - Were you in a gang, Joe?
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Yeah! 1959, I were a Teddy boy.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Drape jacket with a velvet collar. Drainpipe pants.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Hair creamed back into a duck's arse.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54You had hair in them days, then?
0:05:54 > 0:05:59Yeah. And three inch crepe-soled shoes. I was the bee's knees.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03What was the worst thing you ever did?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Ooh... Day trip to Scarborough.
0:06:07 > 0:06:12Went on the pop, got into a fight and I desecrated the floral clock.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- So where's the tattoo? - It's "Pauline" on my left buttock,
0:06:17 > 0:06:20but I'm not certain if she's still there.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24What do you mean you're not certain she's still there?
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Well, she might have faded away - I can't see down there -
0:06:28 > 0:06:32like her face has faded from my memory.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- Any volunteers to check him out in the showers?- Pass.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- Pass.- Cheeky sods.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Bring your buttock over later, Joe. I'll take care of it.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- Busy, Fletcher?- I am, as it happens, Mr Braithewaite.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- Preparing for tomorrow's radio show. - That's why I'm here.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I've been tasked with the job of seeing you don't include
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- anything inappropriate. - I'm not sure I know what you mean.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Some of your jokes of late have been a little risque,
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- bordering on the blue. - Oh, you mean one about the gang
0:06:58 > 0:07:00nicking all the toilets out the police station?
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- Remind me.- Spokesperson said, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
0:07:06 > 0:07:07"Nothing to go on."
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Oh, I see. That seems harmless enough.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14But the one about the haggis and the rabbi...
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- Mr Meekie took offence, did he? - He did, yes.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- So...what have you got for us tomorrow?- You'll love this one.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22It's late at night in the countryside
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- and a copper's doing his rounds. - In a car or on his bike?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27It don't matter, does it?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29What matters is he sees something strange in a field,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- a bloke having it off with a pumpkin.- Having it off?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Yeah.- With a pumpkin?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Yeah.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39What does the policeman do?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41He walks over quietly in his size 12 boots,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44gets out his torch, flashes it, and he says,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46"Why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"
0:07:46 > 0:07:49And the bloke turns round and says, "Oh, no, is it midnight already?"
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Midnight because...?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Think of Cinderella.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Oh, I see!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05But Cinderella didn't turn into a pumpkin -
0:08:05 > 0:08:07that was the coach.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12And the footmen, they were turned back into frogs, or was it mice?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15No, she found herself back in her kitchen rags.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18You're a comedian's despair, Mr Braithewaite.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Nor do I understand why the man was having sex with the pumpkin
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- in the first place.- Did I fail to mention it was in Scotland?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Point of fact, Mr Meekie's home town.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Mr Hardacre, please. It's Nigel Fletcher.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Yes, he's expecting my call.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Now listen, and listen carefully, it's all going down Friday night.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47It's a big haul, gold bars as well as cash and sparklers.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52There'll be security but they won't make themselves too busy,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55not if everyone's tooled up with Uzis and AKs.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Give Maggie my love.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Hope her psoriasis has cleared up.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Ciao.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Scuddsy, are you mental?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09You know the screws ear wig our calls.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I know they do, I just love winding them up.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Is that your mum? Let me say hello. - No, I'm on the phone
0:09:19 > 0:09:20to a very expensive brief
0:09:20 > 0:09:23and I've got to talk very quickly cos I'm paying him by the minute.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Hello? Yes, it is me. Never mind the weather, what happened?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Postponed? For six months?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Why?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39You told me it'd be sorted in a week,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41that's why I pay you all this money.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44OK. You know what you should do, don't you?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46You should do what a duck can't but a goose can.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Stick your bill up your arse!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53So...
0:09:53 > 0:09:57a wee bird tells me your appeal has been turned down.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- SARCASTICALLY:- Aw.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Still, look on the bright side. It will give you and I a chance
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- to get to know each other better. - It's been postponed, Mr Meekie.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09If you're going to ear wig my calls, you should listen properly.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Good lawyer, is he? - You know what they say, Mr Meekie.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14"Good lawyers know the law.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15"Great lawyers know the judge."
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Postponed doesn't sound good.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21At least you've got that radio show of yours
0:10:21 > 0:10:24as a substitute for the warmth of friends and family.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28You're enjoying this, aren't you, Mr Meekie?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- Don't answer that, it's a rhetorical question.- Oh, no.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I'd very much like to answer it...in the affirmative.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39You should tell a lawyer joke on your programme tomorrow.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I know a very good one.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44What's the difference between a lawyer and a rhinoceros?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I've heard it. Lawyers charge more.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51And while we're on the subject, I know a good record you could play,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53something your audience would be sure to appreciate.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- Try me.- Engelbert Humperdinck, Please Release Me.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00MEEKIE LAUGHS
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Ten seconds till lockdown!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Hurry up, Fletcher!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11How did it go?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14It didn't. Got postponed for six months.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16And he was so confident.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Yeah, so were you. I told you not to count your chickens
0:11:20 > 0:11:22but you wouldn't take no notice.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Forgive me for looking for a light at the end of the tunnel
0:11:24 > 0:11:26but I do actually want to get out of here!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29All I was trying to tell you was that you might be barking up
0:11:29 > 0:11:32the wrong tree and flogging a dead horse.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34What's a dead horse doing up a tree?
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Look, you've got to be resilient inside.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Look for little victories, that's what your grandad used to say,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45cos I don't want you going ending up like Billy Forester.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49All right, who is, or who was, Billy Forrester?
0:11:49 > 0:11:53He were a fella I shared a cell with about 20 years ago.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57He were a lot like you - cheeky and full of fun.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59He had his appeal turned down.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03- What happened?- Well, it went on for months but it changed him.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06He started mumbling to himself
0:12:06 > 0:12:08and he never smiled.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12He just sat there like a pimple on a gherkin.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16- Did he get out? - No, he got two years added on.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- What for?- Strangulation.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24What, his solicitor?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27No, me. I were trying to cheer him up.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34JOE SNORES LOUDLY
0:12:44 > 0:12:45JOE FARTS
0:12:49 > 0:12:51JOE: Oh, no, no, don't!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54JOE WAILS IN HIS SLEEP
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Oh, no, no, no!
0:12:57 > 0:13:00No, stop it, stop it!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Eileen, stop it!
0:13:03 > 0:13:06JOE MOANS
0:13:06 > 0:13:08HE FARTS
0:13:10 > 0:13:14ALARM BEEPS
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Oh, no. No, no, no. That is out of order.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31That is totally out of order!
0:13:31 > 0:13:36What? You're out of order, waking me every bloody morning.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38No, you're out of order.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I haven't slept a wink all night because of you and now this.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42What?
0:13:42 > 0:13:47Oh, I was cutting my toenails last night.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53And what do we do when we cut our toenails?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56We only do them when we're alone, which I was,
0:13:56 > 0:14:01and we throw the parings away, which I did, except I missed one.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Yeah, you missed one.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05You're making a mountain out of a molehill.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07There we go again, Inspector Cliche.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10It's no wonder Billy Whatsisname tried to strangle you
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- because it has to said, Joe, you have habits.- What habits?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16You're always sniffing in the morning and you're always
0:14:16 > 0:14:18scratching your head. If it's not your head, it's your nose.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20If it's not your nose, it's your apple sack.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22If it's not your applesack, it's your backside.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24It won't be scratching my backside for a few days since Irish
0:14:24 > 0:14:26removed Eileen. I can't hardly sit down.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28You said her name was Pauline.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32I know I did but it turned out different.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38I've no idea who Eileen was or why she's been beautifying my bum
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- all these years. - We're getting off the point.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43That's another thing that drives me crazy,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45leaping from subject to subject like a grasshopper.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I've never complained about your snoring.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50You ought to wear on of them adjustable chin straps.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Adjustable chin strap? How dare you!
0:14:54 > 0:15:01Listen, son, I've been doing stir for years and I get through it.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02You've been here for five minutes
0:15:02 > 0:15:05and you're bleating like a constipated sheep.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09All I'm saying is there has to be rules, standards.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Yes, all right, I'll try. But a leopard can't...
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Change his spots? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16And you can't teach an old dog...
0:15:16 > 0:15:19To bark up a new tree? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- And curiosity killed the cat. - What's that got to do with anything?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24It's the only cliche you haven't used!
0:15:26 > 0:15:27HE BANGS ON DOOR
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Let me out of here! I'm trying to storm out!
0:15:32 > 0:15:37Morning, losers. Welcome to another day wasted at the Greybar Hotel.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40We're stuck in here and we're going to hell.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Things can't get any worse.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I think it's time we did something about it.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47This is the Kaiser Chiefs.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49# I predict a riot
0:15:49 > 0:15:51# I predict a riot
0:15:53 > 0:15:55# I predict a riot
0:15:55 > 0:15:57# I predict a riot... #
0:16:00 > 0:16:02MEEKIE BLOWS WHISTLE
0:16:05 > 0:16:08What on earth is going on here?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH RADIO
0:16:10 > 0:16:14- What was that about, Fletcher? - What was what about, Mr Meekie?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I Predict A Riot.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I predict a week in solitary if there's any more of that, son.
0:16:19 > 0:16:26And you played three Cure songs and a James Blunt B side?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30If that carries on, I'll be opening up a suicide hotline.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Can't be chirpy all the time, Mr Meekie.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36It was a reflection of how I feel and you know why.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38You think you're hard-done by, do you? But just remember
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I can make your life a lot harder.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I thought that was your life's purpose, Mr Meekie?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45That radio show is a privilege, laddy, and you are abusing it.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Your job is to play records.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Speaking of which, I have another request.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54There is a song by a band called Queen...
0:16:56 > 0:16:58..I Want To Break Free.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Oh! Can't unsee that!
0:17:12 > 0:17:16It's coming along nicely, Joe. Still a bit pink but no infection.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18He's heard that a few times over the years.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23None of your lip, if you don't mind. What brings you here?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I've come to remove the last vestiges
0:17:26 > 0:17:28of an unfortunate relationship.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Davina, the bird who ruined my life.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33She didn't ruin your life, you did.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- IMITATES HIM:- If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46- No pleasing some people, is there? - You two still rucking?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Just gets to you, this place. How do you cope?
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Stir's part and parcel for an incorrigible like myself.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Having a trade helps.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- What's the best tattoo you ever done?- A fox hunt.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Some mad bugger in County Offaly.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Horses and hounds covered his entire back,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03and you could just see the tip of the fox's brush sticking out
0:18:03 > 0:18:05the crack of his arse.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08That was my Sistine Chapel.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Well, hopefully, this won't take as long as that.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13A shortcut would be to keep some of the letters
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- and replace the others with something else.- Like what?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I could stick a P there at the start
0:18:18 > 0:18:21and, at the end, make it into a G.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25"Paving"? What sort of person has "paving" written on their arm?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27It looked great on my Uncle Seamus.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- Don't know about this.- Sooner or later, you'll meet another girl
0:18:30 > 0:18:32and she'll want it to have it off.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Let's hope so.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36The tattoo, I mean.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- What's that?- Numbing lotion.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Give us half a pint and a packet of pork scratchings.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Fond farewells and au revoirs to two of our residents
0:18:48 > 0:18:50who are leaving us today -
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Hussein al-Rasheed and our young rapper friend, Bubonic Rap Death,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57or, as his mum knows him, Timothy Ridley-Coombes.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Siberian winds coming in from the east, lads,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02so you'll probably freeze to death anyway.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I've got a request in here from Mr Meekie's father-in-law.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I'm sorry I couldn't find the track he asked for,
0:19:07 > 0:19:09My Son-in-law's A Joyless Spanner.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14So here is Radiohead with Creep.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Sit down, Joe.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- You sure?- Of course.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24How you doing, old timer?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- Doing well enough.- Tell Joe what you told me, Scudds.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Two geezers getting shipped out today,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32one of them had a single cell and it ain't been filled.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34What's that got to do with me?
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Well, the kanga on that tier and me have an understanding.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42I intimidate him and he gives me bars of fruit and nut.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I'll have a little whisper in his earhole
0:19:45 > 0:19:46and he'll move one of yous two in.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Cell of your own, eh, Joe? Dream come true.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- So you want to get ride of me, do you?- I thought you'd be up for it.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54You've been complaining about my habits.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- I thought it was me who had habits. - I'd rather you moved out
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- than I get an adjustable chin strap. - Whatever.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Why are you giving me a hard time about this?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05I'm trying to do you a favour. A cell of your own's a luxury
0:20:05 > 0:20:07in the bin, especially at your age.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10When you're my age, what a fella likes most is company.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Mind you, I've had better company talking to a wall.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Well, if I'm that boring, maybe you are better off on your own.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21- Maybe I am. So, I'll go and shift my stuff, shall I?- Whatever.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- Can you believe that?- Does that mean yous two have split up?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Fletcher! Governor, now!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34We're not...
0:20:38 > 0:20:42You owe Mr Meekie an apology, Fletcher.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Yes, Ma'am. Sorry, Mr Meekie. And apologies to your father-in-law.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49I don't understand what's happened to your show.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51You persuaded me to let you have it.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53You argued that music has a therapeutic
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- effect on the incarcerated male. - So it does, Ma'am.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Yes, if it's positive and uplifting
0:20:58 > 0:21:01and until a few days ago it was.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05I enjoyed your show and I'm sure Mr Meekie did, too, didn't you?
0:21:05 > 0:21:10I... It...had some merit, Ma'am, if you like that kind of thing.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14But your recent choices of music, I mean,
0:21:14 > 0:21:19Paint it Black, Back to Black, Black is Black.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Highway to Hell.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24He's using music to stir up dissent and disobedience, Ma'am.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26I have to agree with you, Mr Meekie. I'm sorry, Fletcher,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29but I'm seriously considering taking you off the air.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Perhaps you're right, Ma'am. Maybe I'm not in the right frame of mind.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Perhaps Mr Meekie could take over, maybe he'd do a better job
0:21:36 > 0:21:38of lifting the prisoners' spirits.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40There's no maybe about it, laddy.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43The majesty of Kenneth McKeller,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46the lifting tones of Moira Anderson,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49My Love Is Like A Red Red Rose,
0:21:49 > 0:21:53guaranteed to raise the spirits of any man, woman or child.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Oh, yeah. How does that go?
0:21:57 > 0:22:04# Oh, my love is like a red red rose
0:22:04 > 0:22:08# That's newly sprung in June
0:22:08 > 0:22:10# Oh, my... #
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Stop it, Mr Meekie.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14On second thoughts, Fletcher,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17maybe I'll give you one last chance.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Thank you, Ma'am.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- Caught you!- Caught me what?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Thieving, red-handed, right in the middle of the day.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I reckon it's a sickness with you, Ullett.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32You're a bona fide kleptomaniac.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36- I'm not thieving, I'm moving in. - What?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I've been reassigned.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40By who?
0:22:40 > 0:22:45Mr Meekie. So, do you want the top or bottom bunk?
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Don't move. Do not unpack a sock until I sort this out.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54You get off that bunk!
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Don't, Fletch!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- It's mine!- Get off there!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Scuddsy, Ullett's in my cell!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06What's he nicked? I'll get it back off him.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09No, no, no. Meekie's put him in there. Look, you've got to talk
0:23:09 > 0:23:12to your pet screw. I need to get Joe back in with me. Where is Joe?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15His new cell ain't ready yet, so he's gone for a walk round the yard.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18In this weather? He'll freeze his nuts off.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26Joe, what are you doing out here in the cold, you old loon?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Come on, let's get you back inside. We've got a lot to talk about.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Joe?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Joe?!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Get the MO! It's an emergency!
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Lotterby has been taken to hospital.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46The MO reckons it's hypothermia.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49But is going to be all right?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I won't sugar-coat it, Fletcher.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54When they put him in the ambulance, he didn't have a pulse.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07You not doing the radio show today, Fletch?
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Don't feel like it just yet.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13- It's all my fault. - No, it's not. He was pretty old.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Did he ever talk about it? How he wanted to go, like?
0:24:16 > 0:24:20- Burial or cremation? - Cremation, that would be my choice.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23You would say that, Loomis, you're an arsonist.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27In India, they have a funeral pyre and the body floats down the Ganges.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30I quite fancy a Viking funeral.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32What's that?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35They put your body in a boat full of kindling wood,
0:24:35 > 0:24:37push it out to sea,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40then set fire to it with flaming arrows.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Not being funny, Shel, but you don't look much like a Viking to me.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49And the closest you've been to the sea is Bermondsey.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51We take our holidays in Ilfracombe.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Scudds, what did the hospital say?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Spoke to the nurse...
0:24:58 > 0:25:02She said...he's no longer with us.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04What, you mean...?
0:25:06 > 0:25:07She said he's gone, Fletch.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Hello, everyone.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17This is not a good day. I'm not going to pretend.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I'm sorry to have to tell you that Joe Lotterby is no longer with us.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26My greatest regret is that my last words to him were in anger.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I'll think about that for a very long time, Joe,
0:25:28 > 0:25:30and I'm really, really sorry.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33It's not easy doing time, we all know that.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36We live like sardines
0:25:36 > 0:25:39and most of us are strangers to each other.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Joe had been banged up longer than any of us,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43but he never complained.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I'll miss you, mate.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Porridge will be a lot harder without you.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Bloody hell, the daft bugger thinks I'm dead!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Well, I can't say it's good to be back.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09That was Bill Withers with Ain't No Sunshine.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13If anyone else has got a song for Joe, just let me know.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- Johnny Cash, Ring Of fire. - Oh, you...!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20How's it going, Fletch?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23How's it going? We thought you'd snuffed it!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Scuddsy rang the hospital, they'd said you'd gone!
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Yeah, so I had. They needed the bed.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Yeah, but they said that...you...were no longer with us.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Scuddsy, if you're listening, you're an absolute dingbat.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- I've just eulogised you to the whole nick!- I know, I heard most of it.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41It were like being at my own wake.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Lovely sentiments, Fletch.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Now put something cheerier on,
0:26:46 > 0:26:47I'm dying for a cup of tea.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50INMATES CHEER
0:26:50 > 0:26:53All right, that will do, carry on!
0:26:58 > 0:27:02- Cup of tea, Joe, just the way you like it.- Oh, thanks, Fletch.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Do you need a kip, Joe?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07You must be feeling a bit off after what you went through.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Stop fussing. I'm feeling fine.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Do you remember what it was like, you know, when you were...dead?
0:27:13 > 0:27:17- Yeah, I do.- What happened? When you went over to the other side?
0:27:17 > 0:27:22- What was it like?- It were like the Yorkshire Dales on a summer's day.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24What, raining with loads of caravans?
0:27:26 > 0:27:27No, you clown.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Rolling hills and gentle streams,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33and a maiden in a meadow -
0:27:33 > 0:27:35young and pretty.
0:27:35 > 0:27:40And the breeze ruffled her frock, exposing freckled thighs.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Freckled thighs, my word!
0:27:42 > 0:27:45As I got closer, I recognised her.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46It were Eileen.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51What, the tat you forgot about on your bum?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Yeah! That's the one.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57She were always just out of reach.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59But she seemed to be saying,
0:27:59 > 0:28:02"I'll still be here when you get back."
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Then I woke up and a nurse were giving me an enema.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Well, it's nice to have you back on this side
0:28:13 > 0:28:15and I'm sorry I was tetchy.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18- I'll try to be better next time. - Thanks, Fletch.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19CRUNCHING
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Oh!