0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- You're pregnant!- He was 16! - Little bastard!
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Why not chuck me out? Like Dad when he shagged his secretary?
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Stop obsessing about her. It's pathetic.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Great, it's a date!
0:00:15 > 0:00:18- It's my birthday and you've stood me up!- I'm sorry.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20I just don't know what to do.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22You can either have an abortion or have a baby.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Just make your bloody mind up and stop ruining everyone else's life.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27I can't get rid of it.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30You said you wanted to be involved. So...
0:00:30 > 0:00:31you're involved.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33- Fucking hell!- Language.- Sorry.
0:00:47 > 0:00:52Yeearrrgghh!!
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Thank you, Graham.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Well done. Lovely.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Dads, remember, birth is the most intense experience
0:01:03 > 0:01:05your partners will ever have.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Her body knows what to do.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Your job is to concentrate on what's happening above the neck.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15We're going to support, encourage, and reassure...
0:01:15 > 0:01:18You didn't have to come, you now.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20No, I wanted to.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- Your mum forced you, didn't she?- Yep.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Oh. For lunch today. For your parents to give to my parents.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I think they can bring their own wine.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31But this one my dad will actually like.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33What makes you think he won't like theirs?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Because they didn't steal it from his wine fridge this morning.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Look, my dad's tricky.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I don't see why we've got to do it.
0:01:41 > 0:01:46Because my mum and dad are insisting, and I want them off my back.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Just show up and... try and look responsible.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51So, shall we role-play that?
0:01:51 > 0:01:52You.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54You're my Daddy.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Oh...
0:02:01 > 0:02:06OK, so contractions are underway
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- and you're going to help me get through it.- OK.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14SHE BREATHES DEEPLY
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
0:02:17 > 0:02:21This hurts so much!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23OK... Keep breathing.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I'm so scared!
0:02:25 > 0:02:29It's exciting. The baby's coming.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Arrrgh!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Aaaarrrgggh!!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Keep breathing. Just...
0:02:35 > 0:02:36You bastard!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39You bastard for making me like this!
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- All right, I'm sorry. - It's too fucking late for sorry!
0:02:42 > 0:02:47Ah! Ah! Aaaah!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Aaargh!
0:02:49 > 0:02:53OK, um, let's try some controlled breathing.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I don't want to do controlled breathing.
0:02:56 > 0:03:01I never want you to ever, ever, ever touch me again!
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Come on, stay with me, reassure me. Come on.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05OK, um, it's going to be fine.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07You're doing great
0:03:07 > 0:03:08and... I love you.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Aw!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Arrrrgh!
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- How could you do this to me? - I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20It was an accident, the condom wasn't on right...
0:03:25 > 0:03:26OK.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Lovely.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Great.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Why do you do it? Why do you humiliate me at every opportunity?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I'm sorry, but in case you hadn't realised,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I don't know what the hell I'm doing here.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42You'd better figure it out. You're no use to me like this.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Is that what I am now? Just a member of your staff?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Sorry, am I not pulling my weight?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Let me see what I can do to make YOU feel better. Let me take that.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Oh, no, Your Majesty, I'll carry it.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55No, really. You seem tired from all your pouting and your sulking.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57No! Stop! Get off!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Stop fighting with a pregnant woman!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Fine. Have the bag.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04SHE BELCHES
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Heartburn. Great. Thanks, Jamie.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Well, obviously I'm no use here, so I'm just going to go.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11- Jamie!- What?
0:04:18 > 0:04:22- Don't be late. They hate that. - Yeah, they hate everything.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28DOOR OPENS
0:04:33 > 0:04:35HE GROANS
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- Do you have to do that now, San?- No.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39You do.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42We're going to their house. Why do we have to vacuum ours?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Try and support me here, Keith.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Our son got their daughter pregnant. We have a reputation to repair.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50What's that got to do with the bedroom carpet?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I have to go shopping, I have to go to the hairdressers.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Your hair looks fine.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56No it doesn't. I look middle-aged.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Well, you are...
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I mean, of course you don't LOOK middle aged.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Just do the damn carpet.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Come on, I don't feel great.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09You shouldn't go getting pissed with the darts team.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12This don't feel like booze. I had a kebab but it's not that.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Sakir's good as gold.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Yeah, that's why he works the competitive 2am drunk idiot slot.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- You're wearing a shirt today. - What about my smart sweater?
0:05:21 > 0:05:25It's not smart and it's not a sweater!
0:05:25 > 0:05:26STOMACH GURGLES
0:05:34 > 0:05:35PHONE RINGS
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Hi.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Hey, I just wanted to let you know I can't come round today.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Were you supposed to come round?
0:05:41 > 0:05:45No, but just in case you wanted me to, I can't. I've got a date.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Oh, OK.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49I've got this bloody lunch.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53I said yes cos it's not like anyone else is going to ask, right?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56'No, I guess not. Have fun.'
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I'll be stuck at Laura's parents.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02'Yeah, so, that's where I'll be.'
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Out with another...with a guy.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05'OK.'
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I'll talk to you later. Bye.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09OK, I'll let you know how it...
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Oh, Beth.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- This is a pleasant surprise. - What the hell are you wearing?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Is that your mother's dressing gown?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25It's a kimono. They're a unisex garment.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- The Samurai wore them. - Not their mothers', they didn't.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Fascinating group, the Samurai. I've been reading this book on them.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Jesus, Mike, forget the book!
0:06:35 > 0:06:38I wanted to ask you if you wanted to hang out today.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Oh, I see.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42And would we be...?
0:06:42 > 0:06:47No. I'm meeting a guy, but keeping it casual, so we're going in a group.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48He brings someone...
0:06:48 > 0:06:51And you bring me? What, like a double date?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Sort of.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Well, I've got a lot on at the moment.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59But maybe I could move a few things around, you know...
0:06:59 > 0:07:01You're wearing your mother's underwear
0:07:01 > 0:07:03and reading about the Samurai.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Take it or leave it.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Well, as the great strategist Miyamoto Miyashi once said,
0:07:09 > 0:07:10"To become the enemy,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13"You must first see yourself as the enemy of the enemy."
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- Is that a yes?- Yes.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18I'm coming.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Don't stand up!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Bloody hell, San, what happened?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I thought I'd go for a younger look. What do you think?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Oh, God, I have to...
0:07:36 > 0:07:38RETCHING
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Sooner or later, time to set her straight.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48So I sit her down and so I tell her,
0:07:48 > 0:07:52religion is an entirely human construct.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53It has nothing to do with cosmology
0:07:53 > 0:07:55and everything to do with psychology.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57And then I said, "Look, Mum,
0:07:57 > 0:08:00"we're all atheists about most gods in history,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02"I just go one god further."
0:08:02 > 0:08:04HESITANT LAUGHTER
0:08:04 > 0:08:06God. What an idiot.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Yes. Oh, it's great to meet someone
0:08:09 > 0:08:13- I can talk to about this stuff.- Yeah...
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- Hey, look who it is.- Hey.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Hi, Carrie Ann.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- This is Beth.- Hi- And...Mike.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Hi. I'm Mike.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Hello, Mike.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Can I sit there?
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Yeah.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Oooh! Tight squeeze.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34HE MOUTHS SILENTLY
0:08:40 > 0:08:42You all right there?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I'm just having a settler.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Oh yeah, the old mid-morning settler.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Mum, your hair, it's...
0:08:49 > 0:08:51It's nice!
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Go and get ready, Jamie, we're due there at one.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Are you sure we should go?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Dad's not well, you seem...tired.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03I'm fine. Get ready.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Maybe we should call it off.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Oh no. No way.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- We can't flake out. - We want to be at our best.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Makes sense to let my stomach recover,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19give your hair a bit of time to grow out...
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Not that it doesn't look great.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22We're going.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Right, I'm designated driver, then.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32DOORBELL CHIMES
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- Hello!- Hello.- Hi.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- You must be Alan.- Yes.- Hi.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43All right, mate. Nice to meet you.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44You all know Jamie, of course.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Man of the moment.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Hello again, Jamie.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Hi.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Oh, something for the hosts.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Oh, thank you...
0:09:56 > 0:09:58very much.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Hi.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Hello, love.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Hi.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Hi, Jamie. Glad you could make it.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Yeah, and bang on time.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11STOMACH GURGLES
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Well, let's not stand here all day. Who'd like a drink?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Yes! Let's go.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Right. In on the right, uh...
0:10:22 > 0:10:24yes, through here's fine.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32You see, every culture retrieves a primitive version of itself
0:10:32 > 0:10:36just before its own extinction. That's happening with religion.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38What do you think, Beth?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40I think your ice cream's getting cold.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Oh, right.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- So, Mike.- Hmm?
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Beth tells me you're bisexual.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Why... Why would she say that?
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Well, I mean,
0:10:49 > 0:10:54you've had sex with an equal number of partners from each gender, right?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Er...
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Wow, Mike,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01I really like guys that are confident with their sexuality.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04It is so attractive.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06SHE CHUCKLES
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Yeah, Beth's right. I'm a bi...bisexual.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11In fact,
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I'm bi as hell.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Mmm.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23SANDRA CHATS, SLURRED
0:11:23 > 0:11:25TOILET FLUSHES
0:11:25 > 0:11:26It's just a kebab!
0:11:26 > 0:11:30THEY LAUGH
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Yeah, that's brilliant.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Did you find it all right?
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Yeah, cheers.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I thought we'd lost you there.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Yeah, I had a bit of trouble opening the window, so...
0:11:52 > 0:11:55So, um, Jamie starts his new job next week.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Don't you, Jamie?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Yeah.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Yeah, it's just a holiday job stacking shelves.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08But he's getting great experience of the working world and earning money.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Yeah! The shelf-stacking world.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14ALAN: Stick at it, Jamie.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Soon you could move up to supervising shelf-stackers.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19STILTED LAUGHTER
0:12:19 > 0:12:22So, what do you do, Keith?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I'm a manager at a frozen food store.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Right. What does that entail?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Er...I basically supervise shelf-stackers.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Oh...
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Right.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Sorry.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I think I'm in love.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I've never felt such a connection to a girl before.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49She's smart, funny,
0:12:49 > 0:12:51seems really slutty...
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Beth, can you get rid of Mitchell?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00He's really killing the mood. He's worse than you.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- I think he's pretty impressive, actually.- Really?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04What are you doing?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- Are you...looking up a word?- No!
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Yes, you are. Oh, Beth, are you sure he's not a bit too smart for you?
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Oh, piss off.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13I like him. He's very...
0:13:15 > 0:13:17It's time I had a boyfriend.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- Who the hell is that?- Hiya!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Yeah, I meant to have a talk with you...
0:13:22 > 0:13:23He's moving in on Carrie Ann.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- I wouldn't worry about him. - What do you mean? look at him.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- He's incredibly cool.- Really?
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Yeah. God, she's bound to go for that. I'd better get over there.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Right, guys, I'm heading off.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37What? Why?
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Hi, I'm Aaron.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Yeah, hi. Why are you going? You don't have to go.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I don't want to be the fifth wheel.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46The double date...
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Oh.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Well, stay for a bit.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55We'll give you the signal if we want some privacy.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Right, Mike?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Ah-ha-ha! Yeah.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Beth, I think your ice cream needs some more sprinkles.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- Aaron's my date?!- Good, you're up to speed. That saves a conversation.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Beth!
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- I never specified gender.- It was implied. The hot girl was there,
0:14:12 > 0:14:14why didn't you say there was a gay on the way?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- Cos then I wouldn't be enjoying this moment.- Fine.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I'll just have to come out as straight.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I don't think that's an option, Brokeback.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24You're bi as hell, remember?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26You're going to have to run with that
0:14:26 > 0:14:29or Carrie Ann will just think you're a fraud.
0:14:34 > 0:14:39So I just thought, "I'm going to go for it."
0:14:39 > 0:14:41No, it suits you. I mean, I don't know how you had it before
0:14:41 > 0:14:43but you look enchanting.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Ah, thanks, Alan!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I feel about 20.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Sadly, none of us are. Some of us aren't even 18.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Keep it comin'.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Lovely.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58STOMACH GURGLES
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- That's OK, Dad. Jamie doesn't really drink. Do you?- Well, one can't hurt.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05It's all right. We try to promote a responsible attitude to drink in our house.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Dad, I can have a glass of wine.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Yeah, right.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- Look what happened last time you got leathered.- What?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Laura was way drunker.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14I...You were totally wasted.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19- At least I could remember what you looked like the next day! - Ah, don't worry about it, love.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- Sure we've all been there, haven't we?- Have we?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Some of us seem to be heading there right now.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I think I'll get the main course.
0:15:33 > 0:15:38- JANET:- Obviously, we won't stop you and Jamie from seeing the child.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42But it's more about practicalities.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- We would expect Jamie to more than do his part.- I wouldn't count on it.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I think we need to be a little realistic here.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Inevitably, we'll be bearing the burden.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Oh, but Jamie's very keen to be part of every stage.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- Every single day.- I'm not sure I want him here every day.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00I don't really see how that's possible.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04I mean, he can't be just jumping in a cab and coming over here
0:16:04 > 0:16:06every time there's a nappy change.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Perhaps we should look at him staying here earlier on.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10- Oh, now...- Um...- No.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- I don't think we should... - No, I can't imagine that.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Surely it's better for the kid to have the father around.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20No. I think what Janet was talking about was the financial burden.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Oh, well, we will help out too
0:16:22 > 0:16:25and Jamie will certainly be making a contribution.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28The car fund we set up for him, that'll go towards it.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29- I have a car fund?- Had.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Look, look, you're both parents.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34You know it's not about the money.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36What would you rather?
0:16:36 > 0:16:40A fancy pushchair, or a father who's going to be there?
0:16:40 > 0:16:45And Janet, I know you're not particularly impressed with my son.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46I never even...
0:16:46 > 0:16:49But one, it takes two to tango.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50And two...
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Don't judge him
0:16:53 > 0:16:56until you've got to know him. Because I can guarantee you now,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58from this moment on,
0:16:58 > 0:17:01every day for the rest of his life,
0:17:01 > 0:17:04he will be dedicated to that little child.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Isn't that right, Jamie?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Jamie?
0:17:15 > 0:17:19So although I am definitely a bi,
0:17:19 > 0:17:23I find that my sexuality goes in phases, so...
0:17:23 > 0:17:26one week I might be a massive homo...
0:17:26 > 0:17:29sexual, and then,
0:17:29 > 0:17:31um, you know...
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I'm into women, like I'm straight.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- You're pretty gay now, aren't you? - Actually, I'm quite hetero.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40But soon you'll be man-crazy again. It's cye-clical.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42You mean "cyck-lical."
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Yes, thank you, Mitchell.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47You know, I think if you're attractive, you're attractive.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Like, Aaron's gay but he's gorgeous.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Ha-ha! Thank you, darling.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Why limit yourself with definitions?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58You can have a beautiful experience with anyone.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It's not the parts.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02It's the person,
0:18:02 > 0:18:03or people.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Interesting theory.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Where can I put these?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Oh, erm, anywhere.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24This is going well, isn't it?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Can I offer you...
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Oh bloody hell, yeah.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Right.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Hmm.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35You all right?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43I don't want to be a granny.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46SHE SOBS
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Hmm.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Oh. I'm sorry, am I interrupting?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01I'll just go check on Keith, see how he's getting on.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11If you came out to reassure me, forget it.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14There is nothing you can say that can convince me it'll be OK.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15I am officially freaking...
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- Ow!- You idiot!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Hmm?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23She seemed upset.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25You're amazing, Alan.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Any opportunity.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- But she just grabbed me. - That's not what it looked like.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- It was accidental. - Do you know what I think?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34There are no such things as accidents.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- You need to realise I have just been...- Just what?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Just realised this is all a massive fuck-up? Well done!
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Have you also realised, Jamie, you've got a way better deal than me?
0:19:46 > 0:19:50- That's not true, we've both... - No! No, we haven't both anything.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52I've given up so much more.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I'm way smarter than you, I had way more potential.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I was bright. I was funny,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I was slim, I was pretty,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03and now look at me! I'm just a big fat screaming woman!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Why must I put up with this every time a woman acts in a friendly way?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09I know that's an alien concept to you...
0:20:09 > 0:20:11No, no, I understand. Some women are friendly,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13some are friendly in hotel rooms
0:20:13 > 0:20:15while you claim to be on a conference.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16I've got enough to cope with
0:20:16 > 0:20:20without being your bloody teen-angst counsellor, so just grow up.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Maybe I don't want to grow up.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23It's not fair.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25It's a hell of a price to pay for a shag.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Nobody forced you. You could have stopped at any time.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31No, I couldn't. I'm a teenage boy,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34you're an incredibly fit girl, and there was a massive bed!
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I had no choice!
0:20:36 > 0:20:37It always comes back to this!
0:20:37 > 0:20:40The biggest betrayal and humiliation of my life?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Gosh, yes, why does that niggle me so?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45It might be because it stops you looking at yourself and realising
0:20:45 > 0:20:47what a total bitch you've become!
0:20:47 > 0:20:48How bloody dare you!
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Argh!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53SHE SIGHS
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Ah!
0:20:58 > 0:21:02- What the fu...- It's the carving fork. It was in the fish kettle.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- What's it doing in...?- It's the easiest way to put it away.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- It's gone through. I can't move... - OK, I'll just pull it out.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I don't think you should pull it out.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- ARRGH!- OK, we'll just leave it in.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17- Oh, God. What happened?- Your mother stabbed me.- It was an accident.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19There are no such things, remember?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Hi, yes, I need an ambulance, please.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Oh, God, Alan. Does that not hurt?
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Of course it bloody hurts!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Jamie, quick. Use your first aid training.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Er, OK.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33You should never remove a penetrating object.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34That's what I said.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Ambulance is on its way.- We need to elevate the injury above his heart.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Great idea. I'll prise up the floorboards, you can lift his foot.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Pressure on the wound! Put pressure on it.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48OOW!
0:21:48 > 0:21:51OK, we'll leave that one. The only thing left is reassurance.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Can I reassure you on anything?
0:21:53 > 0:21:57You can promise not to do that pressure thing again.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01I think I'm just going to go for it.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05You're not seriously thinking of having a threesome?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08It might be my only chance to get with a superfreak like Carrie Ann.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Even if you have to go through Aaron? I mean literally.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13No, I've been thinking about it.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16As long as I keep her in between me and him, it won't be gay.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I think it'll be a bit gay.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21No, it's like Samurai dealing with multiple opponents.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25It's about tactics and positioning. I have to gay it up just enough
0:22:25 > 0:22:30so she doesn't realise I'm actually straight until we're doing it.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38All right, bum boys.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Tossers. What's your problem?
0:22:42 > 0:22:43I don't like homos.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Aaron, come on, leave him.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- No, he can't just say that. - What'll you do about it?
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Try and bum me?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I think we should leave him to it.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55It's a gay thing, not a bi thing. We shouldn't..
0:22:55 > 0:22:58What?
0:22:58 > 0:22:59Yeah...
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Yeah, well, if you've got a problem with him,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05you've a problem with me.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07A partial one, I'm not fully gay...
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- But the principle is the same. - Yes, thank you.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Bi, gay, it's all the same.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Here,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15you fancy trying a real man, darling?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Hey!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19I am a real man.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23And real men don't judge people on who they choose to be with.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- Yeah!- Yes!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Whether you're bi like me or a full-on gayer like him,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31no-one has the right to say who you can or can't be with.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33CROWD: Yeah!
0:23:33 > 0:23:34And if you think different,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37then you should just piss off and join Al-Queeda.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Is that what you want? Do you want to join Al-Queeda?
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Come on.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Don't want to catch...gay.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49It's bi!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51And you should be so bloody lucky.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- Nice one!- Yeah, well said!
0:23:54 > 0:23:55- AARON:- OMG!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Mike!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Where did you find this guy?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10He's one of a kind.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Mike, that was amazing.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Yeah, it's nothing.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18I'm going to go. There's some crazy chemistry between you two.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19I don't want to get in the way.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- I don't mind you being in the way. - Are you kidding?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24You are so going to get some tonight.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Seriously! You don't have to go.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30No. Mike, this is your night.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Have a wonderful time.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Homophobes always have unresolved latency issues.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39- It's classic repression.- For God's sake, Mitchell, just give it a rest.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Oh, right.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50So, then there were two.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57You're awful unsteady there, son.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Easy does it, Mum.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- OK.- You all right?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03There we go.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06OK,
0:25:06 > 0:25:10I think I've got a ten-minute window.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13But if we hit traffic, I can't be held responsible.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15It's OK, son, I've got her.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18OK, love.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- Thank you for a wonderful evening! - We're leaving now, love. Come on.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31- Why don't you stay at ours this evening?- Don't put yourself out.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Look, I'm sorry.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35I've been a complete arse
0:25:35 > 0:25:38and I'm trying not to be a kid about this. So...come on.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42I'll be fine. I can sort myself out.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44I'm sure, but, just for tonight,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46let me do this. Please.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- Argh!- Double-check for me, would you?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53All right, if it'll make you feel better.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54It will.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- Because I can manage.- I know.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Well, help me up, then.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07We'll have it out in a moment, sir.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Mum, I'm going to stay at Jamie's.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13It was an accident. It's no big deal.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14I can't be around this right now.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16It's bad for me. It's bad for the baby.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- One, two, three...- Argh!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21I really think you're over-reacting, Laura.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Someone take this, please.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25No, she isn't.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28THIS is not normal, Janet.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Laura, you should go.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Fine. You do whatever you think's best.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Oh, thank God!
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Laura, I want you to know that you're a lovely girl.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50And if my son was going to ruin anyone's life,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52I'm glad that it was yours.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53That's nice.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- Oops.- Oh!
0:26:55 > 0:26:58And don't you mind, love,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00you're part of this family now.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07So, you'll be OK in here?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Yeah, fine.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- So, I'll just be...- Yeah.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45SPLATTERING BOWEL MOVEMENTS
0:27:45 > 0:27:47- KEITH:- Ah! God!
0:27:47 > 0:27:48OK...
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:24 > 0:28:26OK.