0:00:02 > 0:00:04- The girl from last night? We did it. - You are pregnant.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- He was 16.- Little bastard.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10You said you wanted to be involved. So, you're involved.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14Why don't you chuck me out like you did with Dad when he shagged his secretary?
0:00:14 > 0:00:15How bloody dare you!
0:00:15 > 0:00:16Ah!
0:00:16 > 0:00:19God, Alan. Does that not hurt?
0:00:19 > 0:00:20Of course it hurts!
0:00:20 > 0:00:23- Why don't you come and stay at ours this evening?- Ah!
0:00:23 > 0:00:26I can't be around this now. It's bad for me, it's bad for the baby.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28I really think you're overreacting, Laura.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Someone take this, please.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31You'll be OK in here?
0:00:31 > 0:00:32Fine.
0:00:42 > 0:00:48This programme contains some strong language.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10No. No.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24(Jamie.)
0:01:26 > 0:01:27(Jamie.)
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Jamie. Wake up, you lazy sod.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Don't disturb him.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34He's in my seat.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36That's where I have my tea and the paper. It's my routine.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40- Use the beanbag.- I hate the beanbag. I can't get leverage on my toast.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- It's comfy. - Why can't he sleep on it, then?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Cos he's your son, he's not a bloody cat.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50How long's Bride of Frankenstein going to be here, anyway?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I don't know. A couple more days, a week.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55San, she's been here eight weeks already.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58It's not that bad. And her obsessive cleaning's a real timesaver for me.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00I don't care. We've got to say something.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02All right, but leave it to me.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06And switch on the immersion heater. Laura's having a shower.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Oh, God. Sorry, son.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Oh, well, you're up now.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- I may have a couple more minutes. - Whoa, no, come on.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Go and get that jam off your face.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28And hurry up, you don't want to be late for work.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- Oh, God, work.- Yeah.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Stick the immersion on, there's a good lad.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Ah!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Oh, God! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Jesus, Jamie!
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Look, I promise I didn't see anything.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50I mean, obviously, I saw something,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53but it isn't like I've not seen it before, albeit just the once, but...
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- I'm sorry.- Huh!
0:02:59 > 0:03:00There is a lock.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Little, brass thing on the door.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Aaah.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Oh, Keith. Oh, you're really spoiling me.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Oh, that's so thoughtful.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Yeah, no problem, love.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Everybody's just being so nice to me.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41It's just really...nice.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Hey, don't be like that.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Hey, it's all right. Don't...
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Oh, God, what is wrong with me? It's only a piece of toast.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00It's just the hormones, love. You'll be all right.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03So stupid. Look at me crying.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04- HE MOUTHS - Say something.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Laura, love, you've been here for a while
0:04:11 > 0:04:15and we were just wondering about your plans?
0:04:15 > 0:04:16- My plans?- You know, like, say,
0:04:16 > 0:04:20where were you planning to be for, say, Christmas?
0:04:20 > 0:04:26Oh! Sandra, that is so nice. I would love to spend it here.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I was getting really worried that I was overstaying my welcome.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- OK.- That is so kind of you.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42I have to say, I wasn't expecting to see you two again.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Well, I think the fact that we're seeing you again
0:04:44 > 0:04:47reflects how committed we are to making this work.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Thank you, Alan. I take that as a compliment.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Mmmm.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Let's get started, shall we?
0:04:54 > 0:04:59I want you to see your relationship as a continuum.
0:04:59 > 0:05:05So, we start here, where you met and you fell in love
0:05:05 > 0:05:06and you're both happy.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Then, there's all this other stuff in the middle,
0:05:10 > 0:05:14children, careers, mortgages.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- Affairs.- Affairs, thank you, Janet.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Remember what we said about blame.
0:05:21 > 0:05:27OK, and then, lately, there's these Laura issues.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32And then, we're here, where we are now,
0:05:32 > 0:05:39where nobody's happy and Alan has a carving fork in his foot.
0:05:39 > 0:05:45You need to find that thing that you lost along the way.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48You need to rediscover the spark.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53So, you think this spark is under the squiggle?
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Precisely.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Yeah, er, sorry, what is your advice, exactly?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Go on a date.
0:06:07 > 0:06:13In fact, go on several dates. Allow yourselves to be romantic.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17You really think dinner and a movie is going to fix this?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20It's the ceremony of courtship that matters.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25Don't underestimate the power of concentrating your attention
0:06:25 > 0:06:31exclusively on one person, instead of spreading it around.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33And well done for not biting on that, Janet.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I feel amazing.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48It's not until you experience pregnancy that you understand
0:06:48 > 0:06:52how it can be. I just, oh, I feel beautiful.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- Really?- Yeah. And people pick up on it.
0:06:55 > 0:07:00I just feel like, like I have this warm glow all around me.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05- Uh-huh.- Awww. Aww.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Oh, yeah, adorable.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13So, aren't Jamie's lot sick of having you there?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16No, they love having me. And it's so nice to be in a place
0:07:16 > 0:07:19where you actually feel wanted.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22You can't stay in a teenage boy's bedroom forever.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26I know, but, Dan, I'm happy. And I just...
0:07:28 > 0:07:32..I feel like it's all going to work out.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Oh, now, come with, come help me try on maternity jeans.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- Yeah, I can't do that. - Oh, have you got to be somewhere?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41No, I just can't do that. I'm going to give you these.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- Oh.- And then I'm going to...
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Oh, OK. But, so, I'll call you in the week?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- Yeah, definitely.- OK.- Bye.- Bye.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- She's like a parasite.- Yeah. - We haven't been to his in ages.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57She has to accept he's got other friends. I miss him, Beth.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59And I miss Xbox Thursdays.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02You do realise you're the only one who calls it that?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- What do you call it?- Thursday.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Hey, Beth, Beth.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- Oh, my God.- Look, look. Who's this? Ready?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Urrrrgh.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17It's coming.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22Is that how you were born? Head-first over a hard surface.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- Jamie.- Jamie, think fast.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Doesn't bode well, does it?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I'm not expecting someone to throw the kid at me.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- It depends on the birth, doesn't it?- What are you doing here?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- We want to know why you've been avoiding us.- I'm not.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Oh, great, so you won't mind if we come to yours tonight, then?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42It's a bit awkward with Laura there. It's a bit crowded round ours.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44See, that's what I'm talking about.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Jamie, you can't spend the rest of your life worrying about some pregnant woman.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I think there's a time limit on it. And it's, sort of, my responsibility.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Yeah, it kind of sounds like she made you her bitch.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55I'm not her bitch.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Oh, Jamie. Take these.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01And that one, it's heavy. OK, take that.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Oh. Mike, Beth, this is Laura.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Never would have guessed.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- This is Beth and Mike.- Hi.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Have we met?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Not exactly. Although I did see you at the party when...
0:09:15 > 0:09:18So, I should just get on.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Cos I've got 300 velociraptors to stack.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Yeah, I'm not going to stop.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Jamie, could you take these, please, and pay for them as well.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I get a staff discount.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Oh, how convenient for you.
0:09:28 > 0:09:33So, Laura, we were thinking of coming over to Jamie's tonight.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34You wouldn't mind, would you?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Oh, yeah, yeah, no, that's fine. Be nice to get to know you.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- Cool.- All right, see you later.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41- Yeah.- Bye.- Bye.- Bye.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46You were saying something about not being her bitch?
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Hmm?
0:09:51 > 0:09:55- Buy you that tie. - You were going to buy me a tie.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Idiot.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Hello.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Do you have a reservation?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Yes, Derbyshire.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Oh, we were expecting you earlier.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Yes, so were we. Our sat nav took us the wrong way.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22I put in the address correctly.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Don't worry. Lots of people have trouble finding us.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27The postcode is actually wrong on the website.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31You see, Alan, the postcode's wrong on the website.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Did you end up on the industrial estate?
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Yes.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Yes.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Honestly, the number of people we get in here saying that.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Right. And you don't think it might be a good idea to change it?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Absolutely. I'll make a note of it.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Right, you're on the all-inclusive package.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55And I'm afraid you've just missed the last sitting for lunch.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Yes, but we've paid for our lunch. - Yes, but as you can see,
0:10:58 > 0:11:03it does state here that the last sitting for lunch is at 2:15pm.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Yes, it also clearly states
0:11:05 > 0:11:07that your address is a powder coating workshop.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11As I say, that is not my department, but I will make a note of it.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Well, go on then.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- Go on then, what? - Make a note of it.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Just a turn of phrase.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27You're on the fourth floor, room 46.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Oh. Where have the Hobnobs gone?
0:11:39 > 0:11:40They were out of date, I binned them.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Have you moved my tea?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I thought you'd finished, it was half empty.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49It was half full.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Hiya.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- Hi. Ooh, did you get my magazines? - Erm.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58- There you go.- Great.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Oh, I got my discount.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- Oh, good.- Do you want to give me the cash now or...?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10The cash for the things for our baby?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12No, no.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14I just thought maybe I could get the money for the jeans?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17The maternity jeans.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Err, yeah.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22The maternity jeans with the elasticated waistband that I need
0:12:22 > 0:12:26because you got me pregnant and I have your baby growing inside of me.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28They're the ones.
0:12:28 > 0:12:34Says here, just over £60 with the discount.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Whenever's fine, really, just...
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- Laura?- Hmm?- Did you wash the phone?
0:12:47 > 0:12:51No. I don't think so.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53You did the washing-up, though?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I think I would have remembered if I did that.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59PHONE MAKES LIFELESS TONE
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- I guess it could have been any one of us.- Yeah, any one of us
0:13:02 > 0:13:05who's been at home all afternoon washing the electrical items.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Keith, I thought maybe we'd go to the pub for dinner, just you and me,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10get out of the house, give everyone a bit of space.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Yeah, that's a great idea. In fact, let's go early.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16You two'll be all right for a bit of dinner?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- San, are you ready?- Erm.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Get some pizza, OK?
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- Cheers, Mum.- Sandra, I'm going! - All right, I'm coming.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- Are you done with that?- Erm.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Yeah.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33No, we asked for a double, not a twin.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Right, right, you're going to make a note of it.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Why does that not surprise me? Yes.
0:13:38 > 0:13:43They can give us a double room if we move, but the view's not as good.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Wh...? Not as good as that?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Yes, I'm still here.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52No.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Can you see how adjoining single rooms
0:13:54 > 0:13:57might be a step in the wrong direction?
0:13:57 > 0:14:03Things are going marvellously. I can feel us getting closer already!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05No. No, no.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13- Hiya, come in. - Oh. Oh, it's good to see you.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- How's the dictator? - She's not a dictator.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Jamie, could you ask them to take their shoes off.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19I vacuumed earlier.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24(If you could.)
0:14:37 > 0:14:40So, how much do you weigh now, Laura?
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Cos you look massive.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Oh. I don't know. I haven't weighed myself recently.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47What do you think? 12 stone? 14?
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Beth!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50No, I'm saying it's good.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54You're eating for two or three or however many it is.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Try it now, Jamie.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- No.- Oh, dammit.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01So, how was work, Jamie?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Usual, stacked shelves, got bitten by an eight-year-old.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- Now?- No.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12You must be coining it in with all those extra shifts, though.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I suppose they'll be going towards the baby, right?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- Well, there's a lot of things to buy.- And it's not cheap.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20It's just you working, isn't it? Not you, Laura. You don't work.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- Not at the moment. - You basically do nothing, then?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25No, Laura helps out around the house quite a lot.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Is that it?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28So, you're, like, the breadwinner
0:15:28 > 0:15:30while Laura's, sort of, a kept woman.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32- Do you think you'll ever work, Laura?- OK.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35I'm going for pizza. Beth, you're coming with.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Oh. Yes.
0:15:39 > 0:15:44Oh. Let's go. Hee-hee. Let's roll.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Come on, then.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50What the hell is your problem?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53All right, Jamie, I've tried to be discreet about it,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55but my problem is, she's fucking up your life.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Right, well, firstly, you weren't that discreet.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00And secondly, that thing she's fucking up,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- that is not my life any more. - Look at you.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05You're sleeping on a sofa, you hardly see your friends,
0:16:05 > 0:16:09you're carrying her shopping like some pathetic, castrated butler.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- Is that what you want? - Course that's not what I want.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13So, stop falling into the trap, OK?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Otherwise she'll keep wheeling out this pregnancy thing,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17every time she wants something.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Well, she's kind of got a point, hasn't she?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22We're having a kid. Don't make me choose, OK?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26And pick a pizza.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31So, accelerate and brake.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35- What do these ones do? - You don't need to worry about them.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- Because I'm just a girl?- Yes.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46This might sound a little bit weird,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48but could I just feel the baby kicking?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- Absolutely not.- OK.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53What if I was to just talk to it, you know?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Get it used to little Uncle Mike's voice.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Wow, that's actually creepier.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03Listen, Laura, we're going to be in each other's lives from now on, so...
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- Not necessarily.- Yeah, cos, well, Jamie's got his friends
0:17:07 > 0:17:09and you've got yours.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12And the two groups need to bond, for the sake of the baby.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Now, if that means you have to fix me up with one of your friends,
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- so be it.- That's not happening.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I'll give you my number, just in case.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Anything I can do to give the kid a good start in life.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31- I prefer redheads if it helps. - I'm not going to take that.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- Well, it's a child welfare issue, really.- No.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- Why not?- Well, although I don't know you that well,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38you basically seem to be a freak.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41And I wouldn't inflict you on any of my friends or even acquaintances.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Right. Fair enough.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48MIKE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Look, I know you're just looking out for me, OK,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54but I actually want to do this.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I mean, she is my...
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- She's your what?- I don't know.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01But do me a favour and go easy on her.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03She's really vulnerable at the moment.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Your ass is mine now, gayboy!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09No, no, no, nooo!
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- Ahh, Mike, she's right on your tail. - Bollocks to that,
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I'm about to lap the bitch!
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Eeeeh!
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Yes, in your face!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Burn, you little freak. Burn!
0:18:22 > 0:18:23It's not...
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I didn't even want to play with you. It's not fair, man.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29What? It's not fair cos you suck at this game?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31No, you suck. You suck.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Why are you even here? We were fine before you muscled in.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- Mike.- Muscled in? You think I want to be here playing computer games,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40eating pizza with you losers?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- Don't call them losers! - They're not winners, are they?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44At least we're not knocked up and homeless.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Oh! You... Ah.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48What's the matter? Are you OK?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Ah! Does it look like I'm OK?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Oh, God. Is it a contraction? It's not time.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- I know.- Should I call an ambulance? - I don't know. I haven't done this before.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- What's your natural instinct telling you?- How should I know?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I'm not a bloody panda! Just call the ambulance!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Ow! Oh!
0:19:04 > 0:19:05I need a charger.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Use the landline!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Ow.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Wh...? It's...
0:19:12 > 0:19:14It wasn't me.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16It's OK, I've got 999 on speed dial.
0:19:16 > 0:19:22- Ow! Ooh.- Menu, contacts.- Ow. - Business.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Why is this happening now? This shouldn't be happening.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Oh, I'm sorry, is it not a convenient time for you?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I'll ask it to stay up there till you're ready, shall I?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32All right. All right. I'm sorry, OK. Don't panic. Don't panic!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- The ambulance is coming. Mike! - I can't get reception.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- Well, just, just...- Ow.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40OK, keep breathing.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Yes. I've got two bars.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Yes, ambulance please.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50They've gone again.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53PHONE RINGS
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Hello?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02OK. Don't worry, Jamie love, we'll be right there.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- It's Laura. We're going. - OK, let's go.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Keith, come on!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21So, what do you reckon?
0:20:21 > 0:20:26Depressive banker and East European gold digger?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29That looks like a second marriage.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Hope over experience and all that.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36And to our right, the furious, impotent dentist
0:20:36 > 0:20:39and the nurse he fell in love with.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40And rinse, please.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44What?
0:20:44 > 0:20:45What's wrong?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- They're us.- They're not us. - They are.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53This is the ceremony.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56You come here, you argue in front of witnesses,
0:20:56 > 0:21:02you finally realise you can't stand each other, you go home and get back in touch with your divorce lawyer.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04What do you mean, back in touch?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- You saw a divorce lawyer?- Yes.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- When?- Oh, I don't know, early on.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19You're not telling me you didn't consult someone, are you?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Never.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26I mean, look, I'm a stupid, vain man,
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I never didn't want to be married to you.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31That's why I tried so hard to cover it up.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37One of us supposed to throw wine now?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42God, I don't want to be one of them.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Do you?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53And I'm sorry you're leaving us early.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Yes, we really couldn't stay any longer.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Oh, well, I do hope you still enjoyed your stay.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I think it may have saved our marriage.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Right.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12And yet, still no tip.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- OK, people, don't worry.- Oh. - I've googled giving birth,
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I know what to do. Laura love,
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- I'm just going to check how dilated you are.- Ah!- Ow! Ah, good.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Beth, do you want to have a look up there?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I am not looking up there.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Nobody's looking up there!
0:22:28 > 0:22:31OK, OK, let's just all stop panicking for a moment and...
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- Hello?- Oh, thank God.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36I'm going to hand this over to Mum.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41- Good job.- All right, calm down, love. Keith get her a drink of water.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- Are they getting closer together? - I don't know.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- Are they getting stronger? - I don't think so, no.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48OK, then, I don't think you need to worry.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50These are probably just Braxton Hicks.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52They're practice contractions to get you in shape.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- I'm not having the baby. - No, I don't think so,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56but we'll keep an eye on them.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59When was the last time you felt one?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- Just before I hit the geek. - When was that, Mike?
0:23:01 > 0:23:05- About a minute ago. - OK, come on, love, it's all right.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09- Come on. You're all right.- Oh.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Oh, no.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24DOORBELL RINGS
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Hello, Janet.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Thanks so much for coming.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36You know, you can't make me come home, Mum.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- Oh, we don't want you to.- What?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Oh, well, of course, you CAN come home.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43But we won't try to force you, darling, not if you don't want to.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Look, I think Sandra asked me over here today,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48to talk you into coming home.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49But if you're happy here,
0:23:49 > 0:23:53I can completely understand if you want to stay.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Well, I was happy.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Well, that's good.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Look, if you want, I'll tell Sandra that I couldn't convince you. OK?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Anyone fancy a biscuit?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Oh, how lovely.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Hey. Sorry I missed your mum.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28You all right?
0:24:28 > 0:24:32No. I don't know what I'm doing.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Your mum doesn't want me here. My mum doesn't want me at home.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Hey, come on.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44It'll be OK.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48You must hate me too. I called you and your friends losers.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- It's fine, they're used to it. - No, it's not.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55And Beth's right, I'm homeless and I'm pregnant.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58It's just...
0:25:00 > 0:25:04..when I thought it was coming and I didn't know what would happen,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I got really scared.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Yeah, me too.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Pretty soon, it's actually going to be coming
0:25:13 > 0:25:15and then, it's going to be here
0:25:15 > 0:25:18and then, what the hell am I supposed to do?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Oh, God, I don't know. I really don't know.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23You're meant to be reassuring me here.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- Could you try a bit harder, please? - Oh, I'm sorry.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29What I mean is, I don't know...
0:25:30 > 0:25:33..but we'll work it out.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Whatever happens.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Laura love, did you bin my...?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- Oh, God!- Dad!
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Oh.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59What's the matter?
0:25:59 > 0:26:04I just saw Laura and Jamie, you know.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05What?
0:26:05 > 0:26:06SHE MOUTHS
0:26:06 > 0:26:08No, no, just snogging.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12- What did you do? - Nothing. Just closed the door.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- Why? What should I do?- Well, you can't just pretend it didn't happen.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- All right then, if you say so. - No, Keith!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Jamie, now, I don't want to get heavy,
0:26:21 > 0:26:25but you know what we've said about having girls in the roo...
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Just ignore us. Would anyone like a cup of tea?
0:26:29 > 0:26:30- No.- Mum!
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Sorry. Sorry.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Bye, Sandra, thank you.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Come back any time, love.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- Bye, Keith.- Yeah. Miss you, love.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- Bye.- Bye.- Bye, love.- Bye.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11OK, so...
0:27:12 > 0:27:14You know you don't have to go.
0:27:14 > 0:27:19I think I do. I've probably been here long enough.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- Plus, with the kiss and everything. - Yeah, absolutely.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- We wouldn't want things to get... - Confusing?
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Exactly.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37- OK, I'm going to go. - Yeah, good idea.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02# We get up and we get down
0:28:02 > 0:28:05# We're always running round this town
0:28:06 > 0:28:08# And to think they said
0:28:08 > 0:28:11# We'd never make anything better than this
0:28:12 > 0:28:15# Cos we're always in small circles
0:28:18 > 0:28:20# And everyone thinks we're trouble
0:28:23 > 0:28:26# We didn't read it in a big book... #