0:00:02 > 0:00:04- The girl from last night. We did it!- You are pregnant.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- He was 16!- Little bastard!
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Go on a date. Allow yourself to be romantic.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Have you got something you need to say to me, Keith?
0:00:16 > 0:00:18- I quit.- Quit what?- My job.
0:00:18 > 0:00:19SHE SCREAMS
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Yeah, I thought you might react that way.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24You said you wanted to be involved. So, you're involved.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26SHE SCREAMS
0:00:26 > 0:00:27It's a baby!
0:00:27 > 0:00:32This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39BABY CRIES
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Oh.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43She's either hungry or she's had too much sleep.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Huh, no. No-one's been sleeping.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48OK, er, maybe she needs winding?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50SQUELCH
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Or changing.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Oh, how could she need changing again?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57God, so much can go wrong with a baby.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Whatever you do, don't press her head.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00I'm not going to press her head.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Good, cos according to this, it's basically a meringue.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Oh well, thank you, Gina Ford!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07OK, Laura, the baby picks up on a negative tone of voice
0:01:07 > 0:01:09and at the moment you're being very negative.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Oh, I'm sorry, am I not sounding happy enough for you?
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Maybe it's because I've had someone throwing up on me all night.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18All right, stop shouting. You're upsetting her.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20- Let me do it.- Fine. Just...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22BABY CRIES
0:01:22 > 0:01:25It's all right, there's a good little...baby...
0:01:25 > 0:01:28We have to agree on a name, we can't keep calling her "the baby."
0:01:28 > 0:01:30I know, but I'm too tired to talk about it again.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33We have to pick one before the christening.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34How about Michelle?
0:01:36 > 0:01:37We're not naming her after Mike.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I promised I'd ask.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Look, I have to go. I can't be late for college again.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Oh, I'm sorry. Is raising your child getting in the way of you
0:01:45 > 0:01:47achieving your mediocre A-level results?
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Aargh!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Who left all the water here?
0:01:55 > 0:01:56It's pee.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Urgh.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Oh, here, take one of my tops.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Oh, magic.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05You're welcome.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Oh, seriously, Keith, you have to start getting dressed.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17You'll never find work looking like that.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19I've got no interviews today. I may as well be comfy.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22That's not the point, it's the attitude.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24That's not how successful people dress.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Cary Grant wore one. Frank Sinatra.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29They were successful before their dressing gowns.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31And they did not spend all day watching CBeebies.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Sherlock Holmes. He wore one.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Fiction.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Hugh Hefner.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Do I look like a Bunny Girl to you, Keith?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39All right, I'll stick on some trackie b's.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Oh, trackie b's. Shoot for the moon, why don't you?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Oh, God. I'm doing my best, all right?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48It'll happen when it happens.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Well, it had better bloody happen soon.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54This christening's costing a fortune.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Between the gifts and the reception and having my sister to stay,
0:02:57 > 0:02:58it's cleaning me out.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Why do we have to have such a big do, anyway?
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Laura's lot won't want a fuss.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Why should they get to dictate? I bet they don't even go to church.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06When was the last time we went?
0:03:06 > 0:03:10The point is, these Anglicans, they do it all wrong.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13The odd Homes and Gardens Midnight Mass doesn't count.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17What is wrong with having a small, quiet, inexpensive do?
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Then everyone's happy.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Going to church is not about being happy.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Clearly not.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- Hey.- All right, guys.- All right.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Wow, that's awesome, where did you get that?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36It's Laura's.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Oooh, sharing each others clothes now, are ya?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40So, are you and Laura, you know...
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- No!- Why not? Now the horse has bolted,
0:03:43 > 0:03:44might as well fool around in the stable.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- It's not like that. We're not... - Say no more. I get it.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50A lot of women lose their sex drive after having a baby cos of...
0:03:50 > 0:03:51It's frustrating.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53They're not together.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Well, we're...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Oh, so you are...
0:03:57 > 0:03:59What is that? Are you pulling on a glove?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04BABY CRIES
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Yes, Daddy, I can't wait to see you.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Yes, well, once we've got this bloody christening out of the way.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Mum!
0:04:11 > 0:04:12BABY CRIES
0:04:12 > 0:04:14All right, all right, all right. Yes, see you tomorrow! Bye!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Mum, are you going to be out long?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20It's just that I could really do with your help today.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I can't, it's your father's neurologist appointment.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25She won't stop crying, Mum, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Don't worry, darling, you used to cry all the time.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Just put her down and ignore it.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31It's just, I read somewhere if you leave them,
0:04:31 > 0:04:35their brains don't develop properly and they grow up to be over-anxious.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Nonsense! I left you all the time.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38It never did you any harm. Do you feel anxious?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Well, I do feel a little bit anxious.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I'm not surprised with that baby crying all the time.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Alan!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Alan, are you ready?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I swear, his concentration is getting so much worse.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56THUDDING UPSTAIRS ALAN: Bloody thing!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58And the clumsiness! Don't let him hold her.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02You know, maybe with him like this we should cancel the christening?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05No, I can't. I said we'll do it, and it's important to Jamie.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Why does he get to decide?
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Because he's the father.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Only biologically.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13He's part of my life now. I have to consider what he wants.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14What about your father?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Do you want to put him through the stress of a big, public event?
0:05:17 > 0:05:18There's nothing wrong with me.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Stop using me as an excuse, I'm fine.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Really?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Yes. Really.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Let me know when you've worked it out.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31Ah!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Wallet!
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Anyway, I've been thinking about my outfit for the christening.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Oh, yeah? There's no way I'm doing that.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- Why not?- I don't know, perhaps because
0:05:44 > 0:05:47the Catholic church systematically abuses children
0:05:47 > 0:05:51and has a genocidal attitude to condom use in sub-Saharan Africa.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55OK, Beth, we're not going to abuse or genocide anyone.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57It's just religion. It doesn't mean anything.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Do you know what being a godparent entails?
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Uh, yeah, I do, actually.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03You buy 'em ice creams and then once a year,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- you just take 'em Alton Towers. - No, Nothing that intelligent.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08It's a load of nonsense about walking with Christ,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10repenting your sins and renouncing the devil.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Oh, Beth, I think you're getting a little bit confused!
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Well, in theory, you are supposed to do that, yeah.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21What? What? Why didn't you tell me that?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Jamie, if I'm going to do this, I want to do it properly.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26OK, well, technically, yes,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29you do have to renounce the devil and all his works.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31OK, OK. Cool, I'm on it.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Consider him renounced.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Thy will be done.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Why is she looking at me like that?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45She looks at everyone like that.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47What is that smell?
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Oh, it's just dried milk.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Urgh, your milk?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53No, the big Friesian that I keep in the spare room.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Urgh! OK, no.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00It's just really weird to think about you, like, you know....
0:07:00 > 0:07:02SHE MIMICS BREAST PUMP
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I don't do them both at once.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Oh, come on, take her.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08She needs to bond with her godmother.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Yeah, about that. Do you really think I'm the girl for the job?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Because I think of myself more like, "Yay, fun auntie!"
0:07:13 > 0:07:15rather than, "Yawn, dull godmother."
0:07:15 > 0:07:17And plus there's a gig on Saturday night.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- Oh, no, the Christening's on Sunday. - Yeah, I know,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21but I was planning on getting really wasted
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- and then I'll be hungover and.... - Could you just not drink?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26No. Cos I'm, you know, "Yay, fun auntie!"
0:07:26 > 0:07:28All his family are going to be there.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30All my family are going to be there.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I really need the moral support. Please.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35All right, I won't go.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I think you're going to be a really good godmother.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Who better to offer her wisdom when she hits all those big life crises?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Ooh, like when she sleeps with inappropriate men
0:07:44 > 0:07:45and can't talk to you about it.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Not those crises, no.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Or she gets busted for possession and needs picking up from the police station!
0:07:51 > 0:07:52She's not going to be doing that.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Or takes her first emergency pregnancy test, just like Mummy!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57OK, you are not telling her about any of that!
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Oh, Mummy's a bit of a hypocrite, isn't she?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Yes, she is! Look at the big hypocrite!
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Mike?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- You do realise this is a library? - Yes.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- What the hell are you doing here? - I'm researching the enemy.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- The enemy?- Yeah, you know...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25(Satan.)
0:08:25 > 0:08:27There's no such thing as Satan.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31That's what he wants you to believe, Beth. He's everywhere.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Right.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Let's be crystal clear about this.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41There's no God, there's no devil,
0:08:41 > 0:08:42there's no Santa.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45You can't prove that.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I can't prove there's not an invisible unicorn
0:08:47 > 0:08:49welding a turd to the roof of this building.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50It doesn't mean it's likely.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52All I knows is, you can't be too careful.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- SHE SIGHS - You have the mind of a child!
0:08:58 > 0:08:59I'm serious, Beth.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Looking at all this stuff,
0:09:01 > 0:09:03renouncing the devil's going to be pretty tough.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I'm really susceptible to his works.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Just look at this list!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Greed, tick. Envy, tick.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Lust, well, I get that literally all the time.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- Even now I'm thinking about... - Don't tell me!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17OK. But it is a big tick.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Rr...rath?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Wrath.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- It says, "rath" - Illiteracy, tick.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Sloth, or is it, "slath?"
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- Sloth.- Whatever.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I'm on my way to a full set here.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29I'm going to need some help.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34No, no, no. There are much more intelligent sources out there.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Are you talking about...aliens?
0:09:37 > 0:09:41No! I'm talking secular rationalists.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43People who value science and reason.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45That's all you've got to offer, is it?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48We are all going to die.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51And eventually, the entire universe will fall silent and cold.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54You make it sound so appealing(!)
0:09:57 > 0:10:00SHE SQUEALS
0:10:00 > 0:10:01There you are!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Ah, hello!
0:10:03 > 0:10:06SHE SCREAMS
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- Hiya.- And...Keith!
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Hi.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Shouldn't you be out at work?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I'm just having fun with you!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- Fun (!) - Get Mammy's bags, would you?
0:10:16 > 0:10:17I know you're not busy.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21- All right, Conall.- Hi.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23It must be so handy for you
0:10:23 > 0:10:25having him at home all the time helping you out.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Come on, Gran. DOORBELL RINGS
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Hello. Hi, Louise. Hi, Gabby.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Come on in.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Tim's just getting something from the car.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- Hi.- Hello.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Well...
0:10:45 > 0:10:48are you...all right, Alan?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Yes, I'm fine. Why are you talking to me like that?
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Head injury. I want to make sure that you can understand me.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Of course I can. I've had concussion, I'm not French.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Gosh, places always seem so much smaller
0:11:00 > 0:11:02than you remember, don't they?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Daddy! Darling Daddy!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Darling, hello!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Come through, come through.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19So are you going to get on with marrying this girl, Jamie?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Don't think she'd want to marry me!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24What's wrong with her? A nice-looking lad like you.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26God knows where you got it from.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Doesn't it make you glad you've been accepted into the seminary, Conall?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33And won't have to bother with this sexual intrigue?
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Yes, I suppose.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36We always knew he'd end up there.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- SHE SHOUTS - Didn't we, Mammy?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- MAMMY GRUNTS - It was that or the building trade.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43I always had an interest in that as well.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Oh, nonsense! This boy is a moral and spiritual rock.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51He's going to be a wonderful godfather.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Oh, but I've already asked Mike.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Mike? Is that the fella with the ram's hair?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Oh, no, he's not appropriate at all.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I'm not worried, Ma. If Jamie's got someone lined up...
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Ignore him, that's just his Christian charity talking.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08This MIKE...is he even Catholic?
0:12:08 > 0:12:13No, but he's really exploring his faith at the moment.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I don't care if he's exploring Mars!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19If he's not Catholic, he can't be godfather!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23We're just not used to it in this family,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26but it's not as if you're the only one out there.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I suppose there are lots of single mothers these days.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Women who've been abandoned by their partners.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33I've not been abandoned.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- No, it's completely different. - Thank you, Gabby.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Because you were never in a relationship in the first place.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42I mean, you didn't even know him...like, at all.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Well, I think you're very brave.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47- Thanks.- Isn't she, Dad?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Hmmm? Yes, and you should just ignore
0:12:50 > 0:12:53what everyone's saying about you.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54What is everyone saying about me?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I don't know, but they're bound to be saying something.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59There's a lot of sluts out there.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04These girls, they don't think about the babies.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Well, I think she does...
0:13:06 > 0:13:08They don't think about the other person.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Well, she...
0:13:09 > 0:13:11All they ever think about is the sex.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- Probably not all... - Oh, no, trust me!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Sex, sex, sex!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20You definitely shouldn't feel ashamed of her.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21I'm not ashamed of her.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24No, because there's a lot less stigma nowadays about,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27you know, being a little B.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28What do you mean, little B?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Bastard!
0:13:30 > 0:13:33It's not a nice word, is it?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Well, I'm not saying it, but people will.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Well, I'd rather she were a little B than a little C.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Oh, no, you can't leave me with them!
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Yeah? Watch me!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55What am I meant to say to them?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Say I've gone to a darts match,
0:13:57 > 0:13:58an AGM...ooh, both. See ya!
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- EVELYN:- Ah, Sandra, it's never going to work.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Now she's got the baby,
0:14:04 > 0:14:07she'll probably find some rich fella to latch onto,
0:14:07 > 0:14:09and poor old Jamie won't get a look in.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Right, well, I thought we should all go
0:14:13 > 0:14:16for some sort of celebratory meal,
0:14:16 > 0:14:20so I booked a table at a little French place up the road.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Oh, how nice! Thank you, Daddy.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25That's very thoughtful of you, Arnold.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32Yes, only thing is, they're not really very child friendly there.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Well, who can blame them?
0:14:34 > 0:14:38I mean who wants to have a screaming toddler ruining their evening?
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Quite. So I suppose someone should stay here with the little one.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00MICROWAVE BEEPS
0:15:05 > 0:15:07DOORBELL RINGS
0:15:10 > 0:15:12What are you doing here?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I realise I've not been much use recently,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16but I really want to help out more.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18By turning up now, unannounced.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Yes, because I bring with me
0:15:20 > 0:15:23the greatest gift of all.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24A sleeping bag?
0:15:25 > 0:15:29No. Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Go on.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Well, I thought I could kip on your sofa,
0:15:35 > 0:15:36watch her through the night,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38while you get some proper rest.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45- You know, Mum wants to call the whole thing off.- We can't!
0:15:45 > 0:15:47My lot would take that very badly.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- How badly?- Irish Catholic badly.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Well, I'm going to go to bed. You know what to do?
0:15:52 > 0:15:53- Yeah. I got it.- OK.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- Good night. - BABY GURGLES
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Jay...what?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Nothing.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Just...nothing.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08What about Charlotte?
0:16:08 > 0:16:12No! God, no! My mum HATES Charlotte. She fell out with a Charlotte.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Ah, well, if we're ruling out people your mother's fallen out with
0:16:15 > 0:16:20we're going to be down to Xerxes or Rumpel-fucking-stilskin.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- Don't swear in front of the baby! - Sorry.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23I don't care any more.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28OK, call her Mary or St Theresa or Shamrock.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Whatever will keep your family quiet. I need to get some sleep.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- OK.- And try not to drop her.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42SCREAMING ON TV
0:16:42 > 0:16:44I'm sorry, but I don't see the connection between this
0:16:44 > 0:16:46and becoming a better godparent.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48It's religious studies, isn't it?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50You gave up reading the bible, then?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Ah, yeah, the film's always better than the book.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I don't think Bride of Satan 4 has much to do with the bible.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57'Course it does. It's got Satan in it,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00and he's, like, one of the main characters.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03I mean, these are basically his bible spin-off series.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- TV:- 'Look not upon him, for he...'
0:17:08 > 0:17:12...takes on pleasing forms...
0:17:12 > 0:17:15'..to seduce men to their destruction.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17'The power of Christ compels you!'
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- SCARY NOISE ON TV - 'The power of Christ compels you!'
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- Right, I'm off.- No, Beth, wait!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24'The power of Christ compels you!
0:17:24 > 0:17:26'The power of Christ compels you!
0:17:26 > 0:17:31'The power of Christ compels you!
0:17:31 > 0:17:35'The power of Christ compels you!
0:17:35 > 0:17:38'I will consume your very soul!'
0:17:40 > 0:17:41What are you doing here?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43I thought you might like some company.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- It's not good to be alone. - I'm not alone.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Well, you're not now. I've bought the Xbox.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49No, Laura's asleep...
0:17:49 > 0:17:51It's OK, I brought headphones.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Problem solved.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02HE GRUNTS
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Yes, have some of that, you big metal bell-end!
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Mike! Can you not swear in front of the baby, please?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Well, she won't be offended. She's, like, three minutes old.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16It still goes in, and I don't want her first words to be,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18"big metal bell-end."
0:18:19 > 0:18:20All right, sorry.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28I need to talk to you about this godfather thing too.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Yeah, it's pretty full on.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Yeah, well, if you feel you can't do it...
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Oh, no, no, no. I can definitely do it.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40OK.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45But if you did want to drop out,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48my cousin Conall's offering to do it.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51What? No way!
0:18:52 > 0:18:54My lot sort of want Conall.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Are you saying that I can't do it?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00No, you can still definitely be there.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Just as a witness instead of a godfather.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05A witness? Like a bystander?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Witnesses are important.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Then why do they never make the headlines?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11If I'm going to your christening,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I want to be the murderer, or at the very least, the victim.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- You know what I mean. - Look, my family are set on it,
0:19:17 > 0:19:18and Conall's a trainee priest.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21So, what? Are you saying he's a better man than me?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- No, no, no!- Good.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25But you're not Catholic....
0:19:25 > 0:19:27BABY CRIES Oh, God.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Don't panic, I'm on it.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30The godfather is here.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32HE SLIPS
0:19:32 > 0:19:35BABY CRIES
0:19:36 > 0:19:39OK, so skin-on-skin contact is important.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- Yep.- Hold her cross your body.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- Yeah.- You are.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Well-supported, gently raised, able to make eye contact.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Angle her this way, little bit more.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Look, eye contact with me, not with you!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Ah, yes, no, that makes more sense.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Hey, what's this actually taste like?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- I have no idea. - We could just try a little bit.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03No, no! Just tell me what to do!
0:20:05 > 0:20:09OK, um, tilt the bottle and she should start to...
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Oh.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15There we go, there we go.
0:20:17 > 0:20:23# Why are there so many songs about rainbows
0:20:23 > 0:20:26# And what's on the other side?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30# Rainbows are visions
0:20:30 > 0:20:39# But only illusions and rainbows have nothing to hide. #
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- Mike.- Yeah.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Please don't sing, it's making it weird.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Is it weird, or magical?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Which do you think?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Magical.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54SNORING
0:21:04 > 0:21:10Mike? Mike, wake up. Oh, God, what's the time?
0:21:10 > 0:21:14I dunno. Never slept so well in my life.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Oh, God, where the hell is she?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Mike, get up!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29She's probably just gone for a walk.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Mike, help me look.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Laura, we're back. >
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Mike.
0:21:44 > 0:21:49Hello! We were just...
0:21:49 > 0:21:52This is Mike.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55We were babysitting. Umm...
0:21:55 > 0:21:57DOOR OPENS
0:21:58 > 0:22:03There she is! How did you sleep?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- Was it all right?- No, not really. There's a baby crying.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Could you not hear it?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- I didn't.- No. You didn't?- Not much.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- I think it's time you went home.- OK.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18MIKE BELCHES REPEATEDLY
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Ooh, windy pops, innit?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- Can you just give my back a little rub, mate?- No.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Just...repeats.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- RADIO:- 'The delicate grace of the columns and arches
0:22:33 > 0:22:36'with the richness of their decoration...'
0:22:36 > 0:22:41Oh, God! Jamie, I thought it was my ma.
0:22:41 > 0:22:47Don't tell her about these. She thinks modern buildings are stupid.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50She's no appreciation for the materials.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Right. I won't mention it.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Great. Thanks.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57So, it looks like we're top-to-toeing it tonight.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I warn you, I do get awful hot in bed.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07OK. Good to know.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10And...Ma says I'm a screamer, too.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12What does that mean?
0:23:12 > 0:23:13I don't know. I'm always asleep.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17I'll just take the floor.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22You seem a bit down there, Jamie?
0:23:22 > 0:23:26I think I might have just screwed things up with Laura.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I can tell you like this girl.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30I do.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33I'm just terrified that she's going to move on
0:23:33 > 0:23:35and there's nothing I can do.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39You must remember, a child is a very strong bond between two people.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43It'll take an awful lot of screwing up to undo that.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Yeah, I suppose.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Now, come on, it'll all look better after a decent night's sleep.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54You're going to make a good priest, Conall.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Well, I've made my peace with it. Pretty sure.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Good for you.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- All right, good night. - Yeah, night.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10WHIMPER
0:24:10 > 0:24:14HIGH-PITCHED MOANING
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Darts AGM, my backside. You were out drinking.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30I went for A drink.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32So you're out pissing money away on booze
0:24:32 > 0:24:34and I have to cover this whole christening on my own.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Well, maybe Jamie can pay more towards it. It's his fault.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Uh, what did I do?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Sorry, do you not remember? About nine months ago...
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Oh, yeah, that.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Well, I haven't got any spare money
0:24:45 > 0:24:47and I'm doing all the shifts that I can.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Ah, look at him, he's exhausted, the poor love.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Did you see that, Keith?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55That's what a working man looks like.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Ooh, maybe you could get a job for your dad, Jamie?
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Uh, no, I couldn't.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Yeah, I think that might be a bit of a step back career-wise.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05A step back from what? Lying in bed all day long?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09No, I'm having fun with you.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11But you're always saying that they're looking for people, Jamie.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Yeah, people. Not Dad.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17I think that's a great idea. Thanks, Evelyn.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Yeah, thanks, Evelyn(!)
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I'm here to help.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Yeah. Cheers(!)
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Mum? Could you put these on to wash?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Mmm, go ahead, darling, help yourself.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Oh, no, Mum, please, I really need your help.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I'm having such a nightmare with this baptism
0:25:33 > 0:25:36and the baptism class and Jamie's booked some god-awful meal.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37You can always just back out.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40People will understand if you can't face it.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42No, I can face it, Mum, it's you that can't face it.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44You're ashamed of her.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I'm not ashamed of her. I'm a bit ashamed of you.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Oh! Nice(!)
0:25:49 > 0:25:51What would you expect your mother to say?
0:25:51 > 0:25:55She's proud you got drunk and had sex with the paper boy?
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Yes. The main thing is that I'm considerably less ashamed of you now
0:25:59 > 0:26:01than I was, so that's progress.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Mum. You never spend any time with her.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06That's because she's always poohing and screaming.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I've been through it all with you, it doesn't mean I don't love her.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24All right, Janet, I can't not say something.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26What the hell is that?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Well it's a...little cardigan.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- No, it's a bloody disaster.- Daddy!
0:26:31 > 0:26:34What is happening with this family?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Your husband's a cripple,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38your daughter's hitched up with some no-hoper
0:26:38 > 0:26:41and as for that pervert friend of his, well...
0:26:41 > 0:26:44It's not like I want any of this.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Take back some control.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48It's difficult when you're running a family home.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Well, this isn't a family home, it's a failed state.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Get a grip.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55PHONE RINGS
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Yes, hello.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Janet, hi, it's Steven.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06Just thought I'd check to see how things are with Alan.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Well, he's not 100% but we're getting there.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- Who is it?- 'Good, great to hear.' - Steven Pickering.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16'Look, I've emailed some files and wonder if'
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Alan could just cast an eye over them.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21I'm not sure he's quite up for that yet. Alan!
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Hi, Steven, hi, it's Alan here.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- Ah, Alan, how are you? - Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29I mean, the doctors are saying six to eight weeks
0:27:29 > 0:27:30for this kind of thing
0:27:30 > 0:27:33but I'm feeling fine. Completely unaffected.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Great, because I'd love your input on the Bleasdale contracts.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Oh, absolutely.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Well, I've sent the files across.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Let me just get my laptop. Hang on.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Why are you even at home?
0:27:47 > 0:27:51You were always the superior lawyer. It's such a waste.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53I've just been out of practice for so long.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54That doesn't matter.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57This family needs someone to put it back on track.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59And it won't be him.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Alan's a capable lawyer.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07He's just...
0:28:13 > 0:28:17- Hello?- Hi.- Who's this?- It's Steven.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- Steven?- Steven Pickering.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Oh, hi, Steven, how are you?
0:28:22 > 0:28:23'Er, I'm fine.'
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Are you OK?
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Yes, yes, I'm fine.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30The doctors are saying six to eight weeks for this kind of thing
0:28:30 > 0:28:34but, honestly, I feel fine. Completely unaffected.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36'Right.'
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Good.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40What can I do for you?
0:28:41 > 0:28:47# Our God is an awesome God He reigns
0:28:47 > 0:28:53# From heaven above with wisdom Power and love
0:28:53 > 0:28:56# Our God is an awesome God. #
0:29:01 > 0:29:04# Reach out and touch faith
0:29:10 > 0:29:16# Your own...personal...Jesus... #
0:29:19 > 0:29:23Hi. Are you new here too?
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Yeah, I'm Jessica. Um, J-Jess.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29I'm Mike, M-Mike.
0:29:29 > 0:29:30So what are you here for?
0:29:30 > 0:29:35Um... I suppose I'm just trying to be a better person.
0:29:35 > 0:29:36You?
0:29:36 > 0:29:37No, God, me too.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40What, you're not a good person?
0:29:40 > 0:29:43No, I'm bad.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45- NERVOUSLY:- You don't look bad.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47I am. I mean, I'm always out drinking.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49Well, everyone likes a drink.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51- And I smoke a lot. - You can get patches for that.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55I have sex with people I've only just met.
0:29:59 > 0:30:04Right. That's...terrible?
0:30:04 > 0:30:08Yeah, I sleep with pretty much anyone. And I mean anyone.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10Really?
0:30:10 > 0:30:13Yeah, although all the men here are quite unattractive so,
0:30:13 > 0:30:15that's got to help, right?
0:30:15 > 0:30:19Yeah. Yeah, no, that's definitely a good thing.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22OK, let's kick off, shall we?
0:30:22 > 0:30:23They're getting started.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25We should probably sit together.
0:30:36 > 0:30:37You haven't seen my laptop?
0:30:37 > 0:30:40Um, no.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45I'm sure I left it down here.
0:30:46 > 0:30:52So, Alan, I'm just going out to buy some wine.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54- Wondered if you'd like to come. - No, thanks.
0:30:56 > 0:31:01But...I'd really appreciate your help.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03It'd be like a boys' trip out.
0:31:09 > 0:31:13It'll be...fun.
0:31:14 > 0:31:15OK.
0:31:24 > 0:31:25Do you want me to push?
0:31:25 > 0:31:30No! I've had just about enough of this christening stuff.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33With my family and the naff christening meals
0:31:33 > 0:31:35and all this church crap.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38I've actually booked us somewhere really nice for the meal.
0:31:38 > 0:31:42And this'll be fun, it'll be like a little Baptism 101.
0:31:42 > 0:31:43Oh, sounds like a bloody riot.
0:31:43 > 0:31:47It'll be cool. Father Thomas is very relaxed.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49But try not to swear too much.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51I'll do my fucking best.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54OK, so I've had some more name ideas.
0:31:54 > 0:31:59I'm just going to run these through - Amber, Jody, Ruby?
0:31:59 > 0:32:01No, no and no.
0:32:01 > 0:32:05Those are the names you give to strippers, Jamie, not children.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07Oh, she's been sick again.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11Well, maybe Father Thomas can exorcise her whilst we're in there.
0:32:28 > 0:32:29Hello, Father Thomas.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32Nice to see you again, Jamie. And you must be Laura.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34Hi, yes, I'm sorry we're late.
0:32:34 > 0:32:35Oh, that's fine, that's fine.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38I was just chatting with our other new parents, Amy and Richard
0:32:38 > 0:32:40and baby Luke.
0:32:40 > 0:32:41- Hi.- Hi.
0:32:41 > 0:32:45- Aren't you a little cutie? - Oh, he's perfect, well almost.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47We just want to get him baptised
0:32:47 > 0:32:49as soon as possible to wash away the sin.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51THEY LAUGH
0:32:53 > 0:32:56- Sorry, God, sorry. - BABY CRIES
0:32:56 > 0:33:00Well, I think it's the symbolism that's important.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03It's a rebirth, being born afresh into the world.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05Can I help?
0:33:06 > 0:33:10And into the broader church community to which
0:33:10 > 0:33:14she can turn for support and companionship.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17That's actually a really nice way of looking at it.
0:33:17 > 0:33:18It's how Amy and I met.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24How did you two get together, then?
0:33:27 > 0:33:29- We're not together.- Oh.- Right.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38Do you want to go back to Mummy? Yes, I think you do.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42So, as I say, it's really more about becoming part of that community.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45And to make sure they don't go to hell if they die.
0:33:45 > 0:33:46She's not going to die.
0:33:46 > 0:33:52Oh, goodness, no, but if she did and she wasn't baptised,
0:33:52 > 0:33:53she will go to hell.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56Well, lets not get ahead of ourselves here, Amy.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58I thought it was limbo, anyway.
0:33:58 > 0:34:03Limbo is hell, it's a part of hell. Isn't it?
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Well, it's the edge of hell.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08I think there's a theological debate to be had here
0:34:08 > 0:34:10but now's maybe not the time or the place.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12She'll probably still be able to
0:34:12 > 0:34:14hear the screams of the wicked from there, wouldn't you say?
0:34:14 > 0:34:16Let's not get too hung up on the screaming.
0:34:16 > 0:34:17She's not going to hell.
0:34:17 > 0:34:21I'm just saying, logically, they'd be making a lot of noise.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24What with the burning and the suffering.
0:34:24 > 0:34:28OK, the nature of the afterlife is a great mystery
0:34:28 > 0:34:31but I believe God is merciful.
0:34:31 > 0:34:37Yes. Yeah. Nobody's going to hell.
0:34:37 > 0:34:38As long as they're baptised.
0:34:43 > 0:34:47So it goes Maternity, Toddlers, Four to Eights, Nine to Twelves,
0:34:47 > 0:34:51Scooters and Bikes, Tills, Bogs, Exits.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54Got it? Good.
0:34:54 > 0:34:55Now get to work.
0:35:01 > 0:35:06What a shower of shit. Look at that cretin.
0:35:06 > 0:35:11What, Keith? I don't know. He's full of energy.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16I could show him the ropes, make sure he settles in.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19If you want to take him on, on your head be it.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22TANNOY: Can the Store Manager come to the first aid station?
0:35:22 > 0:35:25God, that sounds expensive.
0:35:28 > 0:35:29Hey, Dad, how you getting on?
0:35:29 > 0:35:31Don't call me that in front of everyone.
0:35:31 > 0:35:34- It's humiliating enough being here. - Blame Mum, not me.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37And I shouldn't be on the bottom rung with you and bloody Dean.
0:35:41 > 0:35:45Right, Jamie, Einstein here has dislocated his finger
0:35:45 > 0:35:48in a defective Peppa Pig. Don't ask.
0:35:48 > 0:35:52So, battlefield promotion - you're in charge until I get back from A&E.
0:35:52 > 0:35:53I'm not sure I can.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56- I'll up you to £7 an hour, effective immediately.- Done.
0:35:56 > 0:35:57Here you go, boss.
0:36:00 > 0:36:01I'm the boss!
0:36:01 > 0:36:03BEEPING
0:36:06 > 0:36:09Can we have some coffees, Serena? No sugar.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14Well, this is a very pleasant surprise, Janet,
0:36:14 > 0:36:15what can I do for you?
0:36:15 > 0:36:18Well, it's more what can I do for you?
0:36:18 > 0:36:21I know that Alan feels terrible about letting you down,
0:36:21 > 0:36:25particularly when you're mid-crisis with this contract.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28No, no, Alan's recovery must come first.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30It is rather a sensitive situation.
0:36:30 > 0:36:35One doesn't like to bandy around terms like mental incompetence.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37No, no, course not.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40I hope you don't mind but sometimes I just can't help myself
0:36:40 > 0:36:42casting an eye over Alan's inbox,
0:36:42 > 0:36:47just to keep my hand in and I did think there might be something here.
0:36:53 > 0:36:58Just there, on page eight, I've highlighted. There.
0:36:58 > 0:36:59Right.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04And so this means that...
0:37:04 > 0:37:07The structure of their company meant they were in de facto breach
0:37:07 > 0:37:11of contract prior to signature. Their claim is unenforceable.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15This is extraordinarily helpful.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21You know, until Alan's back to himself
0:37:21 > 0:37:26there is something of a void here that needs filling.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30You don't mean...?
0:37:30 > 0:37:34Of course, it's a very sensitive situation.
0:37:34 > 0:37:38Of course. Alan's wellbeing is my main concern.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Daddy, I got the job.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47Oh, well done, darling!
0:37:48 > 0:37:52Just in the nick of time, by the look of things.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58Hey. Here you go, I'm taking a break.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00No, no, no, you can't take one yet,
0:38:00 > 0:38:02there's another pallet of those that needs sorting.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04- Well, that's not acceptable. - What do you mean?
0:38:04 > 0:38:06You can't refuse me my break.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08I'm not refusing it, I'm just saying take it later.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10- I don't want to take it later. - It's not my problem.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Well, actually it is because you're the boss,
0:38:12 > 0:38:15so I expect you to address my grievances.
0:38:15 > 0:38:16Grievances?
0:38:16 > 0:38:20Yes, being prevented from taking breaks, poor pay levels,
0:38:20 > 0:38:23insanitary working conditions - the toilets are filthy.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25You're on the cleaning rota for those.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30Well, being given inappropriate tasks outside my skill base,
0:38:30 > 0:38:32there's another thing.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34Eh, I tell you what, son, right, it's not just me,
0:38:34 > 0:38:36it's the whole workforce that's not happy.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39Isn't that right, Dean?
0:38:39 > 0:38:41He can't even speak, he's that angry.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Oh, come on, it's hardly a salt mine.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45You should count yourself lucky you've got a job at all
0:38:45 > 0:38:46in this economic climate.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49Economic climate? My God, it didn't take you long, did it?
0:38:49 > 0:38:51- What didn't? - You get a little bit of power,
0:38:51 > 0:38:54right, and then you become an oppressor of the working man.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57What working man? All I can see is a complaining man.
0:39:00 > 0:39:01Right.
0:39:17 > 0:39:18Mike.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25Excuse me.
0:39:28 > 0:39:29Are you all right?
0:39:29 > 0:39:34Mike, I'm not sure I'm cut out for this. I'm feeling weak.
0:39:34 > 0:39:35Oh.
0:39:38 > 0:39:42- Mike, there's something about you. - I know, but we can't just...
0:39:43 > 0:39:46Technically, we could because the door is locked.
0:39:46 > 0:39:48Yeah.
0:39:48 > 0:39:49Hey, Jess, slow down.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55OK, I tried, I guess this is happening.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Oh, that's happening too.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03Phwoar. That is good.
0:40:09 > 0:40:10What?
0:40:12 > 0:40:13What do you want me to do?
0:40:18 > 0:40:21- All right, fine.- Sorry?
0:40:21 > 0:40:24- Stop, please, you have to stop?- Why?
0:40:24 > 0:40:27Because the power of Christ compels you.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29The what?
0:40:29 > 0:40:31I'm just saying we need to think about our actions here.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34- What's there to think about? - Is this really what you want?
0:40:34 > 0:40:36- Absolutely.- Stop!
0:40:36 > 0:40:39God! How are you so strong?
0:40:39 > 0:40:41I have absolutely no idea.
0:40:41 > 0:40:45- You're right, you're amazing, Mike.- I know.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48- Because I was just about to do everything to you.- Everything?
0:40:48 > 0:40:52- Yeah. The whole repertoire. - Fuck, you have a repertoire?
0:40:52 > 0:40:54Yeah, and I have to walk out of this room right now.
0:41:00 > 0:41:01Happy now?
0:41:09 > 0:41:11Jamie, follow me, we've got a problem.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21Keith is leading a sit-in in the medium Wendy house.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23He and Dean say they aren't coming out till
0:41:23 > 0:41:24they get equal pay with you.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26Bloody hell!
0:41:26 > 0:41:29This is on you, Jamie, I knew he was trouble.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32- OK, I'll talk to him.- Sod that, just get in there and sack him.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34I can't just sack him.
0:41:34 > 0:41:38Surely there's some sort of disciplinary procedures.
0:41:38 > 0:41:40What about his union?
0:41:40 > 0:41:43What union? The National Union Of Lazy Bastards?
0:41:43 > 0:41:46- Just get rid of him. - He's got a wife...and a kid.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49- I think they really need the money. - They're not your problem.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52Now, are you telling me you're not man enough to do that?
0:41:54 > 0:41:55No, I am.
0:41:55 > 0:41:58Then get in that Wendy house and prove it.
0:42:08 > 0:42:09Can we have the room, Dean?
0:42:27 > 0:42:32If you've come in here to try and soften me up, don't bother.
0:42:32 > 0:42:34I'm sacking you.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36Oh, bloody hell! What happened to the yellow card?
0:42:36 > 0:42:38I tried but Leanne said it's either you or me.
0:42:38 > 0:42:41Lea...? That's outrageous!
0:42:41 > 0:42:45Well, don't take it out on the Hello Kitty. It's your fault, not hers.
0:42:45 > 0:42:48My God, how dare you come in here and... Ouch!
0:42:48 > 0:42:50Shit on a brick!
0:42:50 > 0:42:53Well, you can tell your mother.
0:42:53 > 0:42:54What?! Why?! You're the one that blew it.
0:42:54 > 0:42:57I'm going to get all the crap for this anyway.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00Well, isn't that why they pay you the big bucks, Mr Manager?
0:43:02 > 0:43:04OK then, KEITH.
0:43:04 > 0:43:06I'm sorry it's had to come to this
0:43:06 > 0:43:08but I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
0:43:11 > 0:43:16Oh, well, I shall not beg. I have my dignity.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18HE BANGS HIS HEAD
0:43:18 > 0:43:20If you will excuse me.
0:43:21 > 0:43:24I can't get... You're on my foo... Argh!
0:43:24 > 0:43:26Well, that's cos you're in the way.
0:43:31 > 0:43:35- Jamie, are you all right?- Yeah.
0:43:35 > 0:43:37Good, cos I'm relieving you of your managerial duties.
0:43:42 > 0:43:44She was literally cupping my balls.
0:43:44 > 0:43:48So, you see, I've proved myself worthy. I resisted temptation.
0:43:48 > 0:43:50- What temptation? - I went to the mountain.
0:43:50 > 0:43:51What mountain?
0:43:51 > 0:43:55You know, the mountain, or the desert or the woods.
0:43:55 > 0:43:56Wherever it was.
0:43:56 > 0:43:59I went there and I managed not to cop off with Jessica.
0:43:59 > 0:44:01- Jessica?- Don't ask.
0:44:07 > 0:44:08Is this our table?
0:44:08 > 0:44:10We double booked so we've upgraded you.
0:44:10 > 0:44:12This is actually our premium table.
0:44:12 > 0:44:14Why's there seats only on one side?
0:44:14 > 0:44:18So you can watch the mediaeval entertainment extravaganza.
0:44:18 > 0:44:21Although, obviously, that won't be included in your deal.
0:44:21 > 0:44:23- What is included?- Hats.
0:44:23 > 0:44:24Yes!
0:44:24 > 0:44:27So, who wants to be King and who wants to be Queen?
0:44:27 > 0:44:28King, Queen, King.
0:44:36 > 0:44:39This is, like, the Jesus seat, isn't it?
0:44:39 > 0:44:42God, is there anything on here that isn't roasted on a spit?
0:44:42 > 0:44:47So, when you become a priest, can you really never...?
0:44:47 > 0:44:49- No.- Not ever?
0:44:49 > 0:44:51It's why they call it celibacy.
0:44:51 > 0:44:53So tragic.
0:44:53 > 0:44:55What can you do?
0:44:55 > 0:44:56You poor man.
0:44:56 > 0:45:00Well, you know how it goes.
0:45:00 > 0:45:05So, Conall, speaking as Jamie's best friend,
0:45:05 > 0:45:09I was thinking that maybe I should be the rightful godfather.
0:45:09 > 0:45:10I'm sure you're right.
0:45:10 > 0:45:16I've got all of the virtues, kindness, patience,
0:45:16 > 0:45:19recycling...and all the others.
0:45:19 > 0:45:23- Chastity.- Yes, yes, actually.
0:45:23 > 0:45:28Basically, what I'm saying is, do us a favour and get thee behind me.
0:45:28 > 0:45:29Obviously, it's Jamie's call
0:45:29 > 0:45:32but I'm sure you'd make an excellent godfather.
0:45:32 > 0:45:35Yes, yes, I would, thank you, thank you.
0:45:35 > 0:45:37May the force be with me, amen.
0:45:37 > 0:45:40So, Jamie, what name did you go with in the end?
0:45:40 > 0:45:44- Actually, I've decided on Olivia. - Awww.
0:45:45 > 0:45:47We never agreed on Olivia.
0:45:47 > 0:45:49We never agreed on anything.
0:45:49 > 0:45:50I hate the name Olivia.
0:45:50 > 0:45:53She's my baby, I can call her what I like.
0:45:53 > 0:45:58I don't need permission from you or your family or your bloody church.
0:45:58 > 0:46:03Fine. Then I'm calling her...Angela.
0:46:03 > 0:46:05- That is a horrible name! - That's what I want.
0:46:05 > 0:46:08Rubbish! You just saw it just then on the waitress' nametag.
0:46:08 > 0:46:10No, I didn't, I've always loved the name Angela.
0:46:10 > 0:46:14- And I'm going to shorten it to Angie. - Don't you dare!
0:46:14 > 0:46:17- Not a very happy kingdom, is it? - Her name is Olivia.
0:46:17 > 0:46:19- Angela.- Olivia.
0:46:19 > 0:46:21Angela. Ang. Angela.
0:46:21 > 0:46:25- Did you need something? - No thanks, Angela.
0:46:25 > 0:46:30Right, OK, that's it, I'm leaving. Danielle, are you?
0:46:30 > 0:46:33We're going.
0:46:33 > 0:46:35See you tomorrow.
0:46:41 > 0:46:44DOORBELL RINGS
0:46:45 > 0:46:47You were right, I should have cancelled.
0:46:47 > 0:46:50Ah, well, let's just get through it.
0:46:51 > 0:46:54A little christening present from me.
0:46:54 > 0:46:55Oh, Mum.
0:46:57 > 0:47:02- Oh, it's beautiful. - It's handmade.
0:47:02 > 0:47:05Oh, Mum, you know, sometimes I feel that you're not
0:47:05 > 0:47:08that interested in her and then you do something like this.
0:47:08 > 0:47:13It must have taken so much care and effort.
0:47:13 > 0:47:15Yes, I imagine it did.
0:47:15 > 0:47:17Oh! Oh, no, I didn't make it.
0:47:17 > 0:47:21No, no, no, it was made by some Peruvian mountain peasant.
0:47:21 > 0:47:22I just bought it.
0:47:23 > 0:47:27That doesn't mean I love my grandchild any less than
0:47:27 > 0:47:30Manuela Ruiz Fernando but, unlike Manuela,
0:47:30 > 0:47:34I now have a job in a law firm allowing me to subcontract
0:47:34 > 0:47:38low skill manual nonsense to an appropriate member
0:47:38 > 0:47:40- of the third world. - You have a job?
0:47:40 > 0:47:43Exciting, isn't it? Steven sent over the contract this morning.
0:47:43 > 0:47:44What contract?
0:47:44 > 0:47:47Er, Steven's offered me a job.
0:47:47 > 0:47:50- What job? - Your job, actually.
0:47:50 > 0:47:52He bloody what?!
0:47:52 > 0:47:54Daddy, you're with me, come on.
0:47:54 > 0:47:59Right, oh, Alan, you're with the girls and Tim. They're in the car.
0:47:59 > 0:48:02Wait a minute, Janet. Janet!
0:48:20 > 0:48:22All right?
0:48:22 > 0:48:24Bloody hell, what are you wearing?!
0:48:24 > 0:48:27This outfit symbolises my newfound purity of spirit.
0:48:27 > 0:48:28And what does that symbolise?
0:48:28 > 0:48:30Oh, they're my dad's cricket whites.
0:48:30 > 0:48:33That's just where you rub the ball to get a nice shiny side.
0:48:33 > 0:48:36- Oh, yeah, just like Jesus(!) - I am just like Jesus.
0:48:38 > 0:48:40Oh, Jamie, Jamie...
0:48:40 > 0:48:42I-I know you think Conall's the man
0:48:42 > 0:48:44but look at me, I'm ready.
0:48:44 > 0:48:47Mike, you can't. You're not Catholic.
0:48:47 > 0:48:49Oh, so what? What's more important?
0:48:49 > 0:48:51The maker of the universe or your best friend?
0:48:51 > 0:48:54Today's not about you! OK?
0:49:04 > 0:49:09For God's sake, Keith, doesn't even one of your lot own a bloody tie?
0:49:13 > 0:49:17Hi. Can I sit with you?
0:49:17 > 0:49:19Oh, yeah, go for it. I'm just having a quick pray.
0:49:19 > 0:49:22Oh, don't let me interrupt you.
0:49:22 > 0:49:24Oh, it's fine, I'll catch up with him later.
0:49:28 > 0:49:31- This is a lovely church. - Yeah, amazing.
0:49:31 > 0:49:34You see those gothic arches?
0:49:34 > 0:49:38- They're one of the strongest structures in building.- Oh.
0:49:38 > 0:49:39That's under static load, obviously.
0:49:39 > 0:49:43If you put vibration in there, it'd be a different story.
0:49:43 > 0:49:44That is so fascinating.
0:49:46 > 0:49:49God, you're a beautiful girl.
0:49:49 > 0:49:52How they hell did you lose a bloody shelf-stacking job?!
0:49:52 > 0:49:55Don't blame me, Jamie's the one that sacked me.
0:49:55 > 0:49:58Jamie! Get over here.
0:49:58 > 0:50:00Did you sack your father?
0:50:01 > 0:50:03Technically, yes. But can we talk about this later?
0:50:03 > 0:50:07Oh, we'll definitely talk about it later, don't you worry.
0:50:07 > 0:50:08HE MOUTHS
0:50:08 > 0:50:11JANET: Come on, darling, time to put the happy face on.
0:50:11 > 0:50:13Let me get you a programme.
0:50:14 > 0:50:18I'm sure that Janet is just trying to support you, Alan.
0:50:18 > 0:50:21By stealing my job and then concealing it from me?
0:50:21 > 0:50:22How's that supporting me?
0:50:22 > 0:50:25I didn't want to upset you, you're just not yourself at the moment.
0:50:25 > 0:50:28Oh, I dunno, I've got a patronising father-in-law,
0:50:28 > 0:50:31a harpy of a wife, a familiar sense of being both frustrated
0:50:31 > 0:50:34and unhappy - it all feels like business as usual to me.
0:50:36 > 0:50:39That's them, isn't it? It is. It is them.
0:50:39 > 0:50:41Yep, it is them? Yep, it's them.
0:50:41 > 0:50:43It's them.
0:50:43 > 0:50:45Ah, you're here. Where's Laura?
0:50:45 > 0:50:47I thought she was with you.
0:50:47 > 0:50:48You were the last one out,
0:50:48 > 0:50:51didn't you notice your daughter just standing there?
0:50:53 > 0:50:56Are all his family gypsies, then?
0:50:56 > 0:51:00No. I suspect they holiday in caravans, though.
0:51:00 > 0:51:04Where the hell is Laura? Where's Laura?
0:51:15 > 0:51:19Conall! What in God's name are you doing?!
0:51:19 > 0:51:26Just...explaining...how all of this vaulted stonework is
0:51:26 > 0:51:27self-supporting.
0:51:31 > 0:51:32Yes!
0:51:32 > 0:51:34What's happening?
0:51:34 > 0:51:37Conall's muffed it. I'm back in pole position for godfather.
0:51:37 > 0:51:39- How come? - Because it says in the Bible,
0:51:39 > 0:51:42thou shalt not feel up a godmother in the house of the Lord.
0:51:42 > 0:51:43How do I look?
0:51:43 > 0:51:45- Like a lunatic.- Thank you.
0:51:49 > 0:51:52I'm not going. I don't want to see them.
0:51:52 > 0:51:53I don't want to see you.
0:51:53 > 0:51:55Everyone's there. They're expecting us.
0:51:55 > 0:51:57They don't give a toss about us.
0:51:57 > 0:51:58Why should I care about them?
0:51:58 > 0:52:04Because...everyone who thought we were nuts for having her,
0:52:04 > 0:52:06they are going to think they were right.
0:52:06 > 0:52:08They're going to think we're ashamed of her.
0:52:08 > 0:52:11- I'm not ashamed of her! - Neither am I.
0:52:11 > 0:52:15All I want to do is stand in front of our families with you
0:52:15 > 0:52:20and say here's our little...thingy.
0:52:20 > 0:52:22And that we're proud of her.
0:52:22 > 0:52:24Don't you want to say that?
0:52:24 > 0:52:28Not those exact words, no, but I do agree with the general sentiment.
0:52:28 > 0:52:31We owe it to her.
0:52:31 > 0:52:35We owe it to.... God, we need a name!
0:52:35 > 0:52:37Why is it so hard?!
0:52:38 > 0:52:40OK, I had a thought.
0:52:44 > 0:52:46Emily.
0:52:46 > 0:52:49That's...
0:52:49 > 0:52:51I don't hate that.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55I-I actually quite like Emily.
0:52:55 > 0:53:00- Yeah?- Yeah, do you like it? - If you like it, I like it.
0:53:00 > 0:53:04OK, so, we've picked a name. That wasn't so hard.
0:53:04 > 0:53:07- See? We can do this.- Yeah.
0:53:08 > 0:53:12All we have to do now is sit through hours of abuse from our families.
0:53:12 > 0:53:15Come on! However they feel about you or me,
0:53:15 > 0:53:17they can't help but fall in love with her.
0:53:19 > 0:53:23Look how happy she makes us. How can they not feel the same way?
0:53:26 > 0:53:28It's going to be fine.
0:53:31 > 0:53:35EVERYONE SHOUTING AT ONCE
0:53:35 > 0:53:40OK, people, people, these are very emotional times.
0:53:40 > 0:53:44Take a deep breath and, er...
0:53:44 > 0:53:48COMMOTION CONTINUES
0:53:55 > 0:53:57Thank God. They're here.
0:53:59 > 0:54:02ORGANIST PLAYS THE WEDDING MARCH
0:54:08 > 0:54:11Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! That's not...
0:54:13 > 0:54:17- Stop that. - Phyllis? Phyllis?
0:54:24 > 0:54:27Phyllis, not for them!
0:54:27 > 0:54:29MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:54:31 > 0:54:34EVERYONE STARTS SHOUTING AGAIN
0:54:47 > 0:54:50All right, that's enough. Shut up!
0:54:50 > 0:54:52Everybody just shut up!
0:54:52 > 0:54:54It's fine.
0:54:57 > 0:54:59Um...please be seated.
0:55:05 > 0:55:11Now, you all know Laura had reservations about this christening
0:55:11 > 0:55:13but I told her not to worry,
0:55:13 > 0:55:18that it was going to be a lovely, happy occasion.
0:55:18 > 0:55:24And as I look around and see the many friends and family
0:55:24 > 0:55:27gathered here today, I can't help thinking that...
0:55:29 > 0:55:31..you're all a bunch of dicks.
0:55:36 > 0:55:39And I'm sorry for saying dicks in your church, Father Thomas,
0:55:39 > 0:55:42but then you did say that my daughter was going to hell
0:55:42 > 0:55:43so it's all relative.
0:55:43 > 0:55:47Now, I've come to expect it from Laura's family.
0:55:47 > 0:55:50Of course they hate me, I get it.
0:55:50 > 0:55:56But, Mum, Dad, I expected more of you.
0:55:56 > 0:55:59You know how difficult this has been for me and Laura and Emily.
0:55:59 > 0:56:04Oh, that's her name, by the way, so I'd appreciate it if people
0:56:04 > 0:56:09could start using it instead of calling her a bastard and I am sick
0:56:09 > 0:56:14and tired of apologising and trying to please everyone all the time.
0:56:15 > 0:56:18So you know what? I'm done.
0:56:20 > 0:56:26From now on, all I care about is my kid and my...Laura.
0:56:31 > 0:56:34This baptism is off.
0:56:34 > 0:56:37Oh, and so is the reception.
0:56:37 > 0:56:39And so am I.
0:56:46 > 0:56:47Are you coming?
0:56:47 > 0:56:50Well, I...
0:56:50 > 0:56:52Would you rather stay?
0:56:52 > 0:56:53Yeah, fair enough.
0:56:58 > 0:57:04- Laura, can you help me?- This side, you just need to pull this...
0:57:04 > 0:57:06Let's just carry her. Just walk.
0:57:06 > 0:57:08I do sort of think we should be running.
0:57:08 > 0:57:09Yep. Shall we?
0:57:16 > 0:57:18She's stopped crying.
0:57:18 > 0:57:21Yeah...it's probably the shock.
0:57:22 > 0:57:23Yeah.
0:57:23 > 0:57:25Come on.
0:57:32 > 0:57:35Life is going on out there and I am going to grab it.
0:57:35 > 0:57:39- Are you following us? - I don't know any other mums.
0:57:39 > 0:57:41I've got transport problems.
0:57:41 > 0:57:44- Keith, grab a bumper. - Mum, don't kick the bailiffs.
0:57:44 > 0:57:45I can't stand him.
0:57:45 > 0:57:48This is a girls' chat. We're having a girls' chat with Beth.
0:57:48 > 0:57:50So you pay off the loan?
0:57:50 > 0:57:52Yeah, and you work as my driver to pay back the debt.
0:58:04 > 0:58:07Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd