0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains adult humour
0:00:05 > 0:00:08One doesn't like to bandy around terms like mental incompetence.
0:00:08 > 0:00:09Oh! Wallet.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- Daddy, I got the job! - What job?- Your job, actually.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Maybe you could get a job for your dad, Jamie.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16I'm sacking you.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19- So are you and Laura all, you know? - No.- They're not together.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21I have to go, I can't be late for college again.
0:00:21 > 0:00:26- Sorry, is raising your child getting in the way of achieving your mediocre A-level results?- Oh!
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I may as well be on my own for all the help you are.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Do you realise how hard this is?
0:00:43 > 0:00:44You've got it easy.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46I'd love to spend all day with her,
0:00:46 > 0:00:48but I have to go to college and work.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Oh, that must be tough.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53All that not listening in lessons and hanging around in a toy shop.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56It's a damn site harder than swanning around a massive house
0:00:56 > 0:00:58with supportive parents and a cleaning lady.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Supportive?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Mum's about as supportive as your average evil stepmother
0:01:01 > 0:01:04- and Dad's no use.- What are you talking about? He's here all day.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Yes, he's here all day smashing things and hurting himself,
0:01:07 > 0:01:09leaving the gas on.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- You've still got a cleaner. - She only comes alternate Thursdays.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Oh, well, bloody hoody hoo!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Someone call the Social Services, Laura's running out of butlers.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- You have no idea, you wouldn't last a day.- I absolutely would
0:01:19 > 0:01:21and I wouldn't moan about it either.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Fine, OK. Let's see how you get on when you have a whole day of it.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26- How about this Friday?- OK, fine.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- Fine. Friday it is, then. Don't wriggle out of it.- I won't!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Daddy's going to show Mummy up, isn't he?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Because, unlike Mummy, he can multitask.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Failing at two things isn't multitasking.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40I won't fail, because I'm a super mum.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53The packet says it's stuffed full of raisins,
0:01:53 > 0:01:57but I can only find six in this whole bowl.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01You think you're maybe stagnating at all, Keith?
0:02:01 > 0:02:02How do you mean?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05I'm worried your job search may have lost its momentum.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07It's tough out there, San, there's hardly any jobs
0:02:07 > 0:02:09and loads of qualified candidates.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Get creative with your abilities.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12What? Lie?
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Absolutely. Fake it till you make it.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18And I'm going to support you a lot more.
0:02:18 > 0:02:23Ah, cheers, San. Hey, if you just say front us like...a hundred quid.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24No, not with money, Keith.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Think of me more as a life coach.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- So, basically, you're going to be on my case all the time?- Yeah.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34How is that different from what you usually do?
0:02:34 > 0:02:38I believe in you, Keith, I believe in your ability to find a job.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- Do you?- And more to the point,
0:02:40 > 0:02:45I believe in my ability to make your life a living hell until you do.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Laura thinks looking after a baby's hard work,
0:02:50 > 0:02:52but she's just not that organised.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55I'll look after Emily, quick feed, a little playtime
0:02:55 > 0:02:57and then, she'll have a nap whilst I do a bit of revision
0:02:57 > 0:02:58for my re-sit on Monday.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00You mean Friday.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02No, I mean Monday.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Monday's an INSET Day.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Teacher training.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08It's a day off.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- Yes!- Arrh, shit!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- It's all on the notice board. - I never look at the notice board.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Where is the notice board?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20It's fine, I'll get my dad to look after her.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- No.- Why not?
0:03:22 > 0:03:23He has to focus on his job search.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I can do both.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29You are a man who gets distracted by raisins, Keith, you're not doing it.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Look, I've got an exam. It's really important.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Could you take the day off?
0:03:33 > 0:03:34No, of course I can't.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36You're my parents, you're supposed to be helping.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40We are helping. I'm giving you a valuable lesson in self-reliance.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42HE SIGHS
0:03:42 > 0:03:43And what's Dad doing?
0:03:43 > 0:03:47He's demonstrating what happens when you don't get a good education.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49See? There's a message in there somewhere.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Just... Just talk to Laura, she'll understand.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54HE SIGHS
0:03:54 > 0:03:55I doubt that.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03You look smart.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Mum's set me up with a work placement at a law firm.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I thought since you're going to blow me out the water as a mother,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11that I might have a go at being the breadwinner.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15So, you'll be gone all day, then?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- That's not a problem, is it, Supermum?- No.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Got it all covered. All about planning.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Mm. Good, although I assume you've not mastered lactating yet.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I've expressed enough to last the day,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31although you will need to pick some nappies.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Do you think you can manage that?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34No problem.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35BABY CRIES
0:04:35 > 0:04:37We've got no problems at all.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43TELEPHONE RINGS
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Yes.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51'So, Keith, do you have a job yet?'
0:04:51 > 0:04:54No, look it's early days, Sandra. I'm...
0:04:54 > 0:04:55'Are you watching telly?'
0:04:55 > 0:04:58No, I'm literally just about to call another agency.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00'I seriously doubt that.'
0:05:00 > 0:05:01No, I am, I am.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02'Bollocks you are.'
0:05:02 > 0:05:04It's just you being on the line
0:05:04 > 0:05:06- that's stopping me from calling them. - 'Fine.'
0:05:06 > 0:05:08DEAD LINE
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Hello?
0:05:09 > 0:05:10HE SIGHS
0:05:15 > 0:05:17DIALLING TONE
0:05:17 > 0:05:21'Hello, Members Village. Bobby speaking, shoot.'
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Hello, I'm just calling about the job in the paper.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26'Right, what's your name?'
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Uh, Keith, Keith Prince.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31'Right, Keith, you got experience at this sort of work?'
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Uh, yeah, yeah, I've had loads.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Right, so you've seen the website?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39You know what we're about here, at Members Village?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Ahh, absolutely, yeah.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44No, I'm not the kind of man to go for a job without any preparation.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46You've certainly got the voice for it.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48It's like honey over river gravel.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Right.- 'You'd be amazed how many people think'
0:05:51 > 0:05:54they can just jump in and do sex chat off the bat.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Right.
0:05:57 > 0:06:04Well, as I say, I am very experienced at...sex...
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- and chat. Yeah, I've definitely done both of those.- 'Right.'
0:06:08 > 0:06:10OK. So, what do you call yourself?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Keith.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14What? That's your character name? Keith?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Yeah, keep it simple, you know.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19OK, my top northerner's just quit.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21He's gone off to tour with the Jersey Boys -
0:06:21 > 0:06:22ungrateful little bastard.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Ah, right, yeah, yeah. What a tit.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27So you fancy a crack at it?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29I'm your man!
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Sorry to dump her on you like this, but I don't have any other choice.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- That's very flattering. - Are you saying you don't trust us?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38No, I trust you both, especially Beth.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Don't worry, I will treasure her.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44It will be like looking after a tiny, female, little Jamie, won't it?
0:06:44 > 0:06:45HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:06:47 > 0:06:51OK, OK, keep her warm, feed her,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53never let her out of your sight.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Oh, and you'll need some size-two nappies.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Uh, you can keep your whale-choking disposables,
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I've bought washable nappies with me.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Oop, saving the planet, one turd at a time.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Ooh, I call shotgun.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Shotgun?- Yeah, I get to push the pram.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11- No, I'll push the pram.- Why do you get to push the pram?- Because I know it doesn't involve a shotgun.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Just take it in turns.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Now, if there's any problems, give me a call
0:07:15 > 0:07:16and I mean any problems at all.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Jamie, don't worry, we're not idiots.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Well, I'm not an idiot.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Laura, how nice to meet you at last, we're very pleased to have you.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Yes, so pleased.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Thank you very much for the opportunity, Olivia.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38I'm glad to hear Janet's back in practice.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40She's a hell of a litigator.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Oh, yes, Mum is...
0:07:43 > 0:07:44something else.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Oh, I didn't realise there was a connection. No CV required from you.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Fiona will be babysitting you today.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Actually, I've still got some prep to do
0:07:53 > 0:07:55for your 1pm with Richard Dunbar.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Well, now you can have some help. - How wonderful.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- In fact, Fiona...- Mm?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04..have Laura sit in on the meeting. A pretty girl in the room
0:08:04 > 0:08:06never hurts with that lecherous little sod.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13DOOR CLOSES
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I see you're taking a year off.
0:08:15 > 0:08:22Yes. I thought I'd pick up some real-world skills before university.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25So you have no skills in the real world.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27No, I have lots, but...
0:08:27 > 0:08:30So you're doing a year of what exactly?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Well, um...
0:08:33 > 0:08:34SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:08:34 > 0:08:39Child development is an area that I have been involved in.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41And how is that relevant?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I thought it might help with family law.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47- Will it?- No.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Coffee.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Oh, yes, thank you, I'd love one.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55SHE CHUCKLES
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Oh, you want me to make the coffees?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Look on it as a real-world skill.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05DIALLING TONE
0:09:05 > 0:09:06'You are logged in.'
0:09:06 > 0:09:07HE SIGHS
0:09:07 > 0:09:10OK, come on, Keith, sexy chat.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Come on, you can do this, sexy chat, sexy chat.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15It's just, "Hey, what's your name..."
0:09:15 > 0:09:16TELEPHONE RINGS
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Oh! OK...
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Hello there.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- MAN'S VOICE:- 'Well, hello to you too.'
0:09:24 > 0:09:26That's a bit of a nasty cold you got there.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28'I don't have a cold.'
0:09:28 > 0:09:31All right, well, you've got a naturally husky voice then,
0:09:31 > 0:09:32that's...that's very sexy.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34'Thank you.'
0:09:34 > 0:09:36It's quite deep too. Don't suppose you're a heavy smoker.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38'Can we just get on with this?'
0:09:39 > 0:09:41You're a man, aren't ya?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44'Look, I'm paying three quid a minute for this.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46'Now, what's your body like?'
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Oh, wow, sorry, mate. I think there's been a misunderstanding.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50HE PANTS
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- Are you standing by a washing machine?- 'No!'
0:09:52 > 0:09:53RATTLING NOISE
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Oh, no, sorry. Look, mate, I am just like a normal...
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I'm like a straight bloke. I didn't realise it was this kind of...
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- I'm a married man, just hang up. - 'No, no, wait, we're in the street,
0:10:02 > 0:10:04'behind the bar where we've just met.'
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- Nope. I'm just walking past, I'm not getting involved.- 'Yes, you are, you are
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- 'and you want it. Ooh.'- I don't, I don't, I'm just at home
0:10:10 > 0:10:13and I'm just going to watch some telly, probably going to get an early night.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Do you know what I mean, get me head down?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- 'Oooh, that's good!'- What?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- 'Take it. Take it!'- Take what?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- 'Oh, yes!'- No. Don't...
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- 'Oh! Oh!'- God...- 'Oh, yeah! Oh! Yeah!'
0:10:24 > 0:10:26HE PANTS
0:10:26 > 0:10:27DEAD LINE
0:10:27 > 0:10:29'Call duration, one minute and 14 seconds.'
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Aargh!
0:10:33 > 0:10:34No!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36HE SIGHS
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Here we go.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- No.- No?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I've obviously started you on too high a level.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Beth, get off, it's my turn.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53All right, just be careful.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55What makes you feel I'm not going to be careful?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58The fact you were making engine noises as you ran down the last hill.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I was doing it for the baby.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Which one?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05What's the matter, out of gas?
0:11:05 > 0:11:06She's too quiet.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09That's what a sleeping baby sounds like. Don't disturb her!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Yes, that's also what a dead baby sounds like. I just, I want to check.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- No, don't wake her, Mike! - Beth, I'm pushing the pram,
0:11:15 > 0:11:16I'm in charge of her.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Yes, but I'm in charge of you. Now, stop...
0:11:18 > 0:11:19BABY CRIES
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- You've upset her now. - You've upset her.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- You did.- You did!
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Look, this isn't going to work out.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27No, I completely agree, I think we should split up.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Yeah, for the sake of the child if nothing else, so...
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Why do you get custody?
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Cos I'm her closest relative.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36What the hell are you talking about?
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Me and Jamie are like brothers,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40you're like a weird cousin or family pet.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46OK, OK, let's be civil about this.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48We'll share custody.
0:11:48 > 0:11:4915 minutes each.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Fine.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I'm glad you decided to be mature about all this.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56I get first go, I called it!
0:12:05 > 0:12:06SHE SIGHS
0:12:13 > 0:12:14SHE SIGHS
0:12:18 > 0:12:20BREAST PUMP IS ON
0:12:20 > 0:12:22DOOR OPENS
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Laura?
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Are you in here?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29BANGING NOISE
0:12:29 > 0:12:30SHE MOANS
0:12:32 > 0:12:33What are you doing in there?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Nothing. I just, um...
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Nothing.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43TOILET FLUSHES
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Sorry. I just...
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I need you to cover reception for an hour.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53OK, well, it will make a nice change from highlighting.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Oh, that still has to be done, bring it with you.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Oh, but I...
0:12:56 > 0:12:58What?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00You never heard of multi-tasking?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Yes. No, I am familiar with the term.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- Ahh, she's beautiful. - Thank you.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09You and your partner must be very proud.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Oh, actually, no, we're not together.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14She died.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- Oh, God.- Yeah, awful.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20It's been really difficult for me.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- And the mother, of course. - Of course.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Oh, that's... Oh...
0:13:25 > 0:13:29You know, talking to you about my feelings is really healing.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Maybe we could go for a coffee sometime?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- Ummm.- There you are.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I was so worried.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Oh, no, Mike,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41you're not using our child to pick up women again, are you?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I'm sorry, I really don't know who this is.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Um, she seems to know your name.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- You can't turn up and run off with her, the courts were very clear about it, yeah?- The courts?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- He sells her clothes for heroin, innit?- I should be going.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Can I get your number...- Things haven't been right between us,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55but I thought we were going to give it another go.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I mean, yes, you gave me all those sexually transmitted diseases,
0:13:58 > 0:13:59but I forgive you!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01You're my baby father, yeah.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04LIFT BELL DINGS
0:14:06 > 0:14:07SHE SIGHS
0:14:28 > 0:14:33TELEPHONE VIBRATES
0:14:49 > 0:14:50(Hello?)
0:14:50 > 0:14:52(Jamie, you need to bring Emily here now.)
0:14:52 > 0:14:56(Oooh, I don't think we can.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58(We're having ice cream.)
0:14:58 > 0:15:01(Don't! Don't give her ice cream.)
0:15:01 > 0:15:03(Why do you need her anyway?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05(We're fine, we're having fun.)
0:15:05 > 0:15:07(My breast pump is buggered,
0:15:07 > 0:15:11(and if I don't feed her soon, I'm going to go off like a fire hydrant.)
0:15:11 > 0:15:12(Can't you just wait?)
0:15:12 > 0:15:15(No! Jamie, why are you whispering?)
0:15:15 > 0:15:18(Because Emily's asleep.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20(Why are you whispering?)
0:15:20 > 0:15:22(Look, I'm going to text you the address,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24(just bring her here in 20 minutes, OK?)
0:15:24 > 0:15:27(Yeah, I don't think I can come.)
0:15:32 > 0:15:34TELEPHONE RINGS
0:15:35 > 0:15:37TELEPHONE RINGS
0:15:38 > 0:15:40TELEPHONE RINGS
0:15:41 > 0:15:42TELEPHONE RINGS
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Hello.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50'Keith, it's Bobby, from Members Village. Good news.'
0:15:50 > 0:15:53You got a five-star review for your whole Northern family man thing.
0:15:53 > 0:15:58Er, yeah, Bobby, I don't think it's going to work out.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Are you kidding? You could be the next Hardguy2000.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05Don't think I want to be the next Hardguy2000.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07'Look, I tell you what, I'm going to double your rate.'
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I guarantee you £50 an hour.
0:16:09 > 0:16:1350 quid an hour? Don't talk daft.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Don't talk daft! I mean, it's fantastic material.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18'That's why you get the big bucks.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21'Now, you get logged in and start earning.'
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Mm...
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Yes, I know, I know,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29but nasty disposable nappies take a thousand years to degrade.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31That's a long time.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Mike, come here.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Oh, no, I wouldn't want to intrude.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41She's all yours for another seven minutes.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Seriously, something is wrong, she looks weird, just get over here.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Why's her face like that? That's not right, is it?
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Maybe she's sick. What do we do?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I don't know, you're the in charge.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- We are both in charge!- Oh, right, so now she's sick, we're both in charge.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59She's stopped. Why has she stopped?
0:16:59 > 0:17:03I don't know. Oh, my God, what if she's cried herself to death?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- They can't do that, can they do that?- I don't know.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08You should pick her up.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11You pick her up, you're the one who killed her.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12You were right here!
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Yes, but it was on your shift.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Just pick her up and check she's not dead.
0:17:16 > 0:17:21Come on, Emily, please, please be alive for your Uncle Mike.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23BABY BREAKS WIND
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Oh, yeah, good girl.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- I think it was just wind. - That's what I said, it was just wind.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31You never said it was wind.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Look, it was a fast moving situation,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35let's not get hung up on who said what.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37The main thing is she's OK.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42That was horrible. I thought she was...
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I know, I know, don't even say it.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47I'm so not ready for kids.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50We got through it though, didn't we?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59We're taking her home.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Yep.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Oh, oh, no, right, yeah.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- That's interesting. I never though about it from that angle.- 'Aaah!'
0:18:05 > 0:18:06HE PANTS
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Oh, and you're done. That's...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09DEAD LINE
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Hello?
0:18:10 > 0:18:11TELEPHONE RINGS
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Hello, caller, how are you?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- Keith? - Oh, hiya, San, how are you doing?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Never mind how I'm doing, have you got a job yet?
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Uh, actually, I do, I am now working in phone...sales.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26'Ooh, right.'
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Bloody hell!
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- I mean, not that I didn't think you could.- 'You know, actually,'
0:18:30 > 0:18:33you're going to need to clear the line, cos I've got work to do.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Oh, well, well done again.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Yep, yep. OK, I've got to go now. Bye-bye.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Bye.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Come on, Keith, you bloody stallion.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43HE SIGHS
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Um, sorry to bother you,
0:18:48 > 0:18:52um, but could you take Emily for a couple of hours?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Oh, um...I'd be delighted to.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Yes, shall I?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03It's just we thought...
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Yes, no, fine. Bye.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Well, then, somebody needs Granddad, don't they?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14And a new nappy too.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20OK, there are no nappies left.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Umm, I don't mean to panic you with this.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27My problem, not yours.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30And it's well within my capabilities.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33What?
0:19:34 > 0:19:35It is.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41TELEPHONE VIBRATES
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I'm done.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58- You're done?- Yeah.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00On a paper you failed three weeks ago,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03you're finishing it with 40 minutes still to go.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Been revising pretty hard.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- VOICE MAILS:- 'Jamie if you don't call me in the next five minutes...'
0:20:16 > 0:20:19'Jamie, what the hell are you doing? Call me...'
0:20:19 > 0:20:21'Argh, that's it! I'm going to kill you!'
0:20:25 > 0:20:27That is waterproof.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33That is absorbent, yes.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39And that...is parcel tape.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Who needs nappies?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Yes, and you shall go to the ball.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I can't imagine why you ever doubted me, to be honest.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Right, time we made some changes round here.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Jamie, where have you been?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Why the hell haven't you been picking up?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04We've been busy getting ready to come out and...
0:21:04 > 0:21:05HE PANTS
0:21:05 > 0:21:09..singing, haven't we, Emily?
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Yeah, she's smiling.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Where are you?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13We're five minutes away. We'll be there.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15You'd better bloody be there.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I, I was just...
0:21:23 > 0:21:25No.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Beth, where the hell are you?
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Nothing happened.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I need you to bring Emily to my house.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I don't actually have her.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Where the hell is she?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Please don't tell me you left her with Mike.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Of course not, she's with Alan.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Alan? Alan's not safe!
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Oooh.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53There, no more banged heads for you.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58Because believe me, Emily, you do not want a banged head.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Ooh!
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Too pointy. That's got to go.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Where's my salesman of the month?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Aha, yeah.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Oh, well that's a very interesting question, very good question.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19I'll probably give them a little, um...
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Yes.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22PANTING
0:22:22 > 0:22:25'Shake it all about, slap it on your left buttock
0:22:25 > 0:22:26'and then, what I'm going to do
0:22:26 > 0:22:28'is I'm going to put it right back in there.'
0:22:28 > 0:22:30You get that out of there right now.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Oh, God, Sandra?
0:22:33 > 0:22:34'Who's Sandra?'
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- That's my wife. - 'Oh, God, that's hot.'
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Keith, what are you doing? It is disgusting.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42'Yes, Keith, ooohh!'
0:22:42 > 0:22:43DEAD LINE
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Oh!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- I can explain. - You can explain?
0:22:47 > 0:22:51You can explain why you're having phone sex with a strange man.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Yeah, it's my job.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56No, you work in sales.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58I do sex chat. I'm...
0:22:58 > 0:23:00HE SIGHS
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I'm a sexy chatter.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Oh, God. Oh, God, that's...
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Yeah, I know.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10And I'm going to stop. God, I want to stop, like it's not worth it,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12not even for 300 quid a day.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Damn right you'll stop. God almighty, that's like...
0:23:16 > 0:23:17How much?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20It's 300, I mean it's four if I do evenings.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21But, no, you're right,
0:23:21 > 0:23:24there's no amount of money worth degrading myself like this.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27No, no.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30I'm going to call them now, have my name taken off the database.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32No, let's just think this through.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36I mean, it's not like you're having actual sex with them.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38No, but I mean, emotionally, it's the same.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42It's not exactly the same though, is it? I mean, it's more like you're acting, like you're playing a part.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46No, I know, but the things they make me say.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47But work is work,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50and sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and take it.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Sorry.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57Look, these are lonely, unhappy people and they need an outlet.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Well, I suppose.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02And, in a way, you are providing a valuable social service.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Are you saying I should carry on?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I don't see how you have a choice, Keith.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10HE SIGHS
0:24:11 > 0:24:15WATER RUNNING
0:24:35 > 0:24:36'You are logged in.'
0:24:40 > 0:24:43OK, are you ready?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Go for it.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50TELEPHONE RINGS
0:24:50 > 0:24:51HE SIGHS
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Hello, you're through to Keith.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Me? I'm just a normal married man.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Yep.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09An average bloke with a family that I'm proud to support.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Yeah.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Right.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Do you want me to rub it?
0:25:18 > 0:25:19(No.)
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Ooh, you like that, don't ya?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25(No!)
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Yep, do you want me to do it faster?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Yeah, that's good.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Mm-hm, yeah. Go on, yeah.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Yeah, ram it in.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Oh!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Yeah. Mm, yeah.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Like it. Oh!
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Oooh! You violate me with your monster cock.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Shame on you.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50First thing tomorrow, you're getting a proper job.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Ow!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Oh, God. Er, Laura.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03What?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Oh, God! Oh!
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Argh!
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Laura, I'm so sorry.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Bloody hell, Fiona, what happened?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17I slipped. So sorry. Come on, let's go and get you dried off.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19- Yes.- So sorry.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Thank you, I'm sorry, I didn't realise I was...
0:26:24 > 0:26:27It's OK, I've got a kid myself.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31So this is the gap year on your CV, then?
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Yeah.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35But you're still breast-feeding? What are you doing here?
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Well, I just didn't want to fall behind
0:26:38 > 0:26:41and...there are so many good candidates.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44You've got something far better than any of them.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46What's that?
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Nepotism.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Thanks, Fiona.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- Ah, ah, mind the tits. I'll call you a cab.- OK.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58SHE SIGHS
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Jamie, hi. Change of plan, can you just bring Emily home now, OK?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04We're nearly at your office.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Yeah, well, I'm heading home now.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Why are you heading home? Don't go home, stay at work.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12- 'Well, I'm in a taxi, Jamie. I'll see you in a bit.'- Oh!
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Taxi? That's cheating!
0:27:18 > 0:27:19No, no, no...
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Hiya, just checking where you're up to?
0:27:36 > 0:27:38'Oh, I'm stuck in traffic, where are you?'
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Ooh, poor you, I'm just pushing Emily up to the front door.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- We've had a lovely time together. - 'Uh-huh. What have you been doing?'
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Oh, just went to the park, went for a walk around. Saw some ducks.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49'Oh, right...'
0:27:51 > 0:27:54- Alan, I need Emily. - She's in the kitchen.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59She was laughing, I think she misses her mummy, though.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Oh, bollocks.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09There's actually another party. It's Jamie's 18th.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Oh, for God's sake, Laura, it's time to move on.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15A party tomorrow night? I'll be there. There'll be drugs.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17MUSIC PLAYS
0:28:17 > 0:28:19I'm 18 and it's my birthday.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23- Well, congratulations.- You're not the only adult in this relationship.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25You're not my boyfriend, Jamie,
0:28:25 > 0:28:27we're just two people who had a kid.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32# If I see a light flashing
0:28:32 > 0:28:36# Could this mean that I'm coming home?
0:28:37 > 0:28:40# If I see a man waving
0:28:40 > 0:28:42# Does this mean that I'm not alone?
0:28:44 > 0:28:47# If I see a light flashing
0:28:47 > 0:28:50# Could this mean that I'm coming home? #
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd