0:00:02 > 0:00:05- You'll be gone all day, then?- That's not a problem, is it, Supermum?- No.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08I've got it all covered. All about planning.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11Now, if there's any problems, give me a call.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Jamie, don't worry, we're not idiots.
0:00:13 > 0:00:14Well, I'M not an idiot.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16- Where the hell is she? - She's with Alan.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Alan? Alan's not safe.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Yeah, she's fine.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23I think she misses her mummy, though.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Oh, bollocks.
0:00:28 > 0:00:35This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature
0:00:39 > 0:00:41So how many people have you actually invited?
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Because my mum says we can probably only afford about 50.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47It's fine, it's just a few people from college.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Kimberly Richards.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Ah! Lovely Kimberly.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Stephanie, brackets, fit Stephanie,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55not Stephanie whatshername, close brackets.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- That Stephanie's nice.- You can have her at your party, then.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- The girls' hockey team? - There's only 11 of them.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02The girls' hockey B team?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Oh, yeah, but I'm not inviting the goalies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08I don't know half of these girls.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Exactly. Play to our strengths.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I notice there are no boys on this list.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Yeah, there is, there's me, there's Jamie.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Fine, I'll invite the goalies.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Who have you asked?
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Mum, Dad and Leanne from work.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Your parents and your boss? What are you doing?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29This party is in crisis.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33It's in 24 hours, we haven't even got any confirmed hot girls.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35I'm waiting to hear back from Laura too.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Why on earth would you want her there?
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Because she's the mother of my child.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Exactly. Why on earth would you want her there?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- I just thought it would be nice. - Really?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Yeah. And she'll be bringing Emily.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Oh, great, a baby too(!)
0:01:47 > 0:01:49If I didn't invite her, it'd look bad.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Fine.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Mum, Dad, Emily, Laura.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- Thank you. - We're pushing it for numbers.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03I'm going to have to drop some of the netball squad and maybe Beth.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11PHONE RINGS
0:02:11 > 0:02:13'Hi, Laura, how's it going?'
0:02:13 > 0:02:14What do you want?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Look, I know you're probably really busy.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Yes, I am busy.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20'I wondered if you'd thought about coming to my 18th.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21'It'd be really nice if...'
0:02:21 > 0:02:24HE MIMICS AN AEROPLANE
0:02:24 > 0:02:25'Dad!'
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- Sorry, Jamie, your 18th. - 'Yeah.'
0:02:29 > 0:02:32It's tomorrow. It'd be really nice to see you.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Yeah, I don't know if I can make it, to be honest.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Danielle's back from uni this weekend.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40She can come too and you can bring Emily.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43'Really? No, I don't think so.'
0:02:43 > 0:02:47It's for family too. You're family.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Hardly.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Well, I'd still like you to come anyway.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55OK, well, yeah, I'll have a think about it.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57'Oh, great, it's at the...'
0:02:57 > 0:03:00DIAL TONE
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Mission accomplished.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Thanks, Dad.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Yeah, that's right, "Happy birthday, Jamie"
0:03:10 > 0:03:14in Roman candles and Catherine wheels with a rocket finale.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19How much? And without the rockets is that...?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22He'll call you back.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25OK, so that's quotes for the fireworks, the bubble machine
0:03:25 > 0:03:27and the weapons-grade confetti cannon.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Does that say stripper?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30No. Oh.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Yes.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33You are not booking a stripper.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35No, it's paint stripper.
0:03:35 > 0:03:40It's street slang! You know, as in cheap booze.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41How much is all this costing?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Remember, Jamie's parents are paying.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Oh, it's fine, his dad loves a party.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50And that is why the government have funded these workshops
0:03:50 > 0:03:52for the long-term unemployed.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57A positive mental attitude plays a big part in getting a job,
0:03:57 > 0:04:02so we're looking at how to tap in to that positive energy
0:04:02 > 0:04:03that's all around us.
0:04:04 > 0:04:10We'll be looking at mindfulness exercises, meditation, basic yoga.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16Now, let's take a look at why work is a four-letter word.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Willpower. Objectives.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Relaxation. Karma.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Here's some literature for you to read before next time.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Do we have to read this?
0:04:31 > 0:04:36Keep it job positive. Read this and, trust me, a positive will result.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Yeah, right.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40You won't get your benefits cut.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46PHONE RINGS
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Hello?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50'Hiya. We still on for tomorrow night?'
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Hi. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm really looking forward to it.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Good. Cos Olly's having a party.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Oh. Oh, OK. I thought we were just going to chill.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02'You need to get out, girl, before you turn into'
0:05:02 > 0:05:05a class A baby bore.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06'It's not actually the baby.'
0:05:06 > 0:05:09It's just that there's another party. It's Jamie's 18th.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Oh, for God's sake, Laura, it's time to move on.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14But what about Emily? I'm going to have to get a babysitter.
0:05:14 > 0:05:19Duh, what are parents for? Come on, we are going to Olly's party.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22OK. Sounds great.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Keith?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Keith.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Keith, are you OK?
0:05:35 > 0:05:36I feel fantastic.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38You look terrible.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I hate to say it - she was right.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46If I want to get myself a job,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49I've got to get myself into a positive mindset.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51That comes from two key things -
0:05:51 > 0:05:52physical fitness...
0:05:52 > 0:05:54HE COUGHS
0:05:56 > 0:05:58..and spiritual awareness.
0:05:58 > 0:06:04Do you know, Buddha once sat in the same spot for 49 days in a row?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Like you during the World Cup.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10You do not need enlightenment. What you need is a job.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13It will come.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18But first I need to align myself with the right energies.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Make me a tea, green, no sugar.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- Green?- Yeah. Takes ten years off you.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Party tomorrow night.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Are you handing those to random women?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34No. Random hot women.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36This is it, Beth, this is my career sorted.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Party entrepr... Ent... Entrep...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Party organiser.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- So did you cancel the stripper? - I didn't book a stripper.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Mike!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49OK, I'll get on it.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Party tomorrow night? I'll be there.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53There'll be drugs.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55- Drugs? What do you mean drugs? - Shhhh!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Course there'll be drugs - it's a party.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59You are aware they're illegal.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Exactly. That's what makes them so cool.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Drugs keep farmers in Columbia in abject poverty.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06No, Beth, I think you're getting a little bit confused.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Drugs are expensive.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Oh, for God's sake.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Look, don't worry, the drugs I'm getting, they're 100% organic,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16ethically-sourced and, best of all, free.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18What the hell are you talking about?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Don't worry, I've got it all planned.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Yeah. Those two phrases don't go together.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27CUTLERY SQUEAKS ON PLATE
0:07:38 > 0:07:42For the love of God, Keith, would you not have some meatballs?
0:07:42 > 0:07:47I'm trying to back off consuming animal products. Meat is murder.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49They're economy supermarket meatballs,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52it can only be 50% murder, if that.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54You can't just have fruit.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56It's already playing havoc with your guts.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01It's a necessary stage on the path to mental positivity. I'm detoxing.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Is that what it's called? You'll end up living in that toilet.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05OK, I'm heading out.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Wait, wait. For your birthday cake, do you want your usual?
0:08:09 > 0:08:10You know, the hungry moose?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Mum, it's my 18th.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I know, but they do a big one now so I can get all the candles on it.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19No, I mean, I think I've probably outgrown it.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Oh, God. My little boy's too old for the hungry moose.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Quite right too, son. It's all just soulless
0:08:26 > 0:08:28commercial exploitation of man's natural birth cycle.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Now, if you will excuse me...
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Where are you going?
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Detox.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Magic mushroom land.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Looks a bit tricky, Beth. I better go first.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Just think, somewhere in this field are some of
0:09:08 > 0:09:12the most powerful, mind-altering substances in the world.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Hey, maybe that's why cows are always so spaced out.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Let's try over here.- Are you sure you know what you're looking for?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Yeah, mushrooms.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Do you know how many varieties there are?
0:09:23 > 0:09:27There's those big ones, the ones that gnomes sit on.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Those are toadstools.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32All right, what about these ones? Any good?
0:09:34 > 0:09:35That's a death cap.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38They cause nausea, heart palpitations,
0:09:38 > 0:09:41low blood pressure, vomiting and then a coma.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44How long would the coma be for, roughly?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Ah, look, I think I've found some.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51These ones? They just look like ordinary mushrooms.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Maybe that's what's so magic about them.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Makes sense.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Woo-hoo, we're going to be off our tits.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- No offence.- None taken.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Oh, look at that one. It's a beauty.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07Laura?
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Laura, we're shopping for YOU. So pick something.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Oh, OK. Um...
0:10:15 > 0:10:16This.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19God, no, that's like a neon sign screaming,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22"Mum going out for the first time in a year."
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Um... This?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29See, now, that is a hot dress.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Olly's mates will be all over you.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Yeah, it's probably really expensive.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Yeah, it's really expensive.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Laura, I'm not going to let you turn into
0:10:38 > 0:10:41one of those boring single mums who never goes out, OK?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44This dress says you're back in the game.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Or back on the game.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Even better. We're getting it.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Hey! Nice one, Mum.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Well, you were banging on about it for about six months. And now...
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Keith!
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Ta-da!
0:11:01 > 0:11:03SHE CHUCKLES Oh, Mum!
0:11:03 > 0:11:07I couldn't resist it. Oh.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Keith!
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Keith, where are you?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- In here.- Ah, come on.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Give us five minutes.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Oh, for God's sake. Keith!
0:11:17 > 0:11:20You know what, will you grab them plates?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22We'll just have it in the living room.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Great.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Get that door there, love.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Ah, thanks.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Mother of Jesus, Keith!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Dad, what are you doing?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42It's called the lotus. It's very calming.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46I think I'd rather have my cake in the kitchen.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54You know, Keith, for a man squatting on a Homebase rug
0:11:54 > 0:11:57in his underwear, you actually look quite good.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Have you lost a bit of weight?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01No. I've gained perspective.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Ah, well, whatever it is, I like it.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Now, come and have some cake.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08After I've done the crouching ostrich.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09I'm not sure what that is
0:12:09 > 0:12:12but I'm guessing I should close the curtains.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Ohh.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Nice dress.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Thanks.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Sandra did invite us tonight, but I said we had to babysit for you.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Feeble excuse, I know, but...
0:12:29 > 0:12:31No, you are babysitting for me.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36Are we? Oh, good. The truth - perfect alibi.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Well, give Jamie the bumps from me.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Oh, no, I'm not going to Jamie's.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Oh, does that mean I'm lying again?
0:12:43 > 0:12:47No, I'm going to another party with Danielle, so...
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Oh, right. And Jamie's OK with that, is he?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54I doubt he'll even notice that I'm not there.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Shouldn't you just pop in?
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Why?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Well, it is a big event, isn't it?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- I think you should maybe make the effort.- Dad!
0:13:03 > 0:13:07I make all the effort. I'm at home with Emily every day.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11The few times I ask him to do something, he lets me down.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13He's a useless father.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14No.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17I was a useless father.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I missed your first words, your first steps,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23missed most of the first five years, really.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I even volunteered to go on business trips.
0:13:25 > 0:13:30I mean, I know it's not easy for you
0:13:30 > 0:13:32but Jamie does try.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36I think you should cut the boy some slack.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Hmm?
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Anyway...
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Hi!
0:13:54 > 0:13:57OK, so nice dress but that it definitely not the right accessory.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- We are not going to Jamie's. - I really think I ought to go.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Well, I'm not going.- Well, I can't face walking in on my own.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- Please, just for a bit?- No way.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I'll buy all the drinks and then you can go on to Olly's.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I can go on to Olly's?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I'll pay for the cab. Please, please? We're still going out.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Yep. All three of us. Whoo(!)
0:14:22 > 0:14:25MUSIC: "Flashback" by Calvin Harris
0:14:25 > 0:14:29# If I could change my state of mind
0:14:29 > 0:14:32# Then I would disappear
0:14:32 > 0:14:38# The love I get from you is something I can't chance. #
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Brilliant! Thanks, Beth.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Jamie, Jamie!
0:14:46 > 0:14:47What's wrong with Mike?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Oh, nothing, it's just the hallucinogenic drugs.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54- What?- Don't worry, he thinks he's got magic mushrooms,
0:14:54 > 0:14:58but they're not, they're the un-magic but delicious type.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59He wants us all to take some.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Shall we?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Anything to shut him up.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Right, so I got the lager and I got the M&M's.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- You ready?- Sure, why not?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15OK, let's fly. Come on, Mike, you take some first.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18OK.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Anything?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Yeah, I'm tripping. Definitely.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38What's it like?
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Magic.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Cool.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Come on, you sexy, bendy man.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Right, you, come on. Let's do this.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Whoo!
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- Whoop!- Hey!
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Right up the crack of your arse.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Hi, son. Happy birthday.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Thanks, Mum. Thank you.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08All right, hey, happy birthday, buddy.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- Thanks. Thanks for making the effort. - That's all right.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Don't worry, I'm sure she'll turn up.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Do you want a drink?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Yeah, we are here to party.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- What do you want?- Tap water.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23And a large glass of white.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26A large white wine and a tap water, please, mate.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Jamie, happy birthday.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32This is my cousin, Hannah.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- Hi.- Hi.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Happy birthday, Jamie.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Jamie's the one who reorganised all the under-fives merchandise.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Oh, wow.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Yeah, that's me. King of the soft toys.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Do you want a drink?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47All right, Leanne?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Keith.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Come on, you. Let's move.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Beth, your 'shrooms kicked in yet?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Uh, yeah, yeah.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Oh, the colours are really vivid, aren't they?
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Really? I'm not getting anything.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Are you drinking as well, though?
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Yeah, course.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Maybe you have a very high tolerance threshold.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Yeah, yeah, no, that sounds right.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Maybe you should take some more.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- Do you think?- Yeah, go for it.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Whoo!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48I am the mushroom man!
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Hey, let's crank up the music, everybody. Wahey!
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Sorry.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59VOLUME DECREASES
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Ah, the 'shrooms are really kicking in now.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Oh, the colours are, like, changing colour, man.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I think that's just the disco lights, Mike.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Amazing. Whoo!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28MUSIC: "Feel So Close" by Calvin Harris
0:18:28 > 0:18:33# I wear my heart upon my sleeve Like a big deal
0:18:36 > 0:18:42# Your love pours down on me Surrounds me like a waterfall
0:18:43 > 0:18:45# And there's no stopping us... #
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Come on, toy boy. Come and dance with us.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Oh, OK.
0:18:57 > 0:19:02# I feel so close to you right now
0:19:02 > 0:19:04# It's a force field
0:19:05 > 0:19:11# I wear my heart upon my sleeve Like a big deal
0:19:13 > 0:19:19# Your love pours down on me Surrounds me like a waterfall... #
0:19:26 > 0:19:27You made it.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Happy birthday, Jamie. And Emily says, "Happy birthday, Daddy."
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Hello!
0:19:31 > 0:19:34And I say, "Is there a free bar?"
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Sure.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38This is from Emily.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Ah, that's lovely, thanks, Em.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42All her own work.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Ah, that's really nice, thanks, Laura.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47I'm so glad you came.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52She likes the music.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Do you want to dance?
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Who?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57All of us.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58OK.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02Dance with Daddy.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Come on.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06MUSIC: "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People
0:20:06 > 0:20:08# Robert's got a quick hand
0:20:08 > 0:20:12# He'll look around the room He won't tell you his plan
0:20:12 > 0:20:15# He's got a rolled cigarette
0:20:15 > 0:20:20# But he's coming for you Yeah, he's coming for you... #
0:20:21 > 0:20:25All right, Danielle? Do you remember me?
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Yes.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32MUSIC: "Belly Dancer" by Akon
0:20:32 > 0:20:34# Girl, I must say you're the flyest thing in here
0:20:34 > 0:20:37# So hot we gonna need some rain in here
0:20:37 > 0:20:39# Type to make ex-gangsters bang in here
0:20:39 > 0:20:41# Girl, you could do anything you want in here
0:20:41 > 0:20:43# Clown if you want to Frown if you want to
0:20:43 > 0:20:46# You ain't even got to drop down if you want to
0:20:46 > 0:20:47# Cos I'd rather see you shake it standing
0:20:47 > 0:20:50# Either way you do it, girl, you look outstanding... #
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- Hey, so I was...- Whatever the question is, the answer is no.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- I'm on drugs.- What, for the acne?
0:20:54 > 0:20:59No, no, no, no. Me, Mike, Jamie and Beth,
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- we're all off our head on the old M&M's.- M&M's?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Yeah, magic mushrooms.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Yeah, don't really affect me. Got quite a high mushroom tolerance.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Actually, do you have any spare drugs on you?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14You know, a little something for the comedown.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Oh, yeah, I do, actually. Let me just go and get them.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Oh, Emily.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28OK, I've had about as much "fun" here as I can stand.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Aww, look, he is so sweet with her.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37He'd be happy to cuddle a Rottweiler if he's tripping like Mike is.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Tripping?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Yeah, him and Mike are on mushrooms
0:21:41 > 0:21:44and now they're trying to score something else.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- Give her to me.- What?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55I cannot believe that you lot are on drugs in front of your own daughter.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I'm not on drugs.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Don't lie to me too, Jamie.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Oh, the mushrooms.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05They're just normal mushrooms. We're just winding up Mike.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Yeah, right, look at him. He's completely off his face.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11He's not. That's just Mike and a few pints.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Oh, really, is it? And how many pints have you had?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I'm 18 and it's my birthday,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18I'm allowed a couple of drinks, for God's sake.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21I'm not a kid. You can't keep treating me like one.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I'm officially a fully-grown man
0:22:23 > 0:22:26and have been for the past...26 minutes.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Oh, well, congratulations(!)
0:22:28 > 0:22:30You're not the only adult in this relationship now.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32What relationship?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- Us.- There is no us.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37You're not my boyfriend, Jamie. We're barely even mates.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40We're just two people who had a kid.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Jesus, this was such a mistake.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I never should have come here, I should have gone to Olly's.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- Who the hell is Olly? - He is a friend of Danielle's.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Not that it's any of your business.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I could have gone to his party, but,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54oh, no, I had to come here, to your party.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Oh, fine.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57If you don't want to be here, don't let me get in your way.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Give me Emily and you can go and do what you'd rather be doing.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Hallelujah, he finally babysits!
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Come on, let's go.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Don't drink too much, Laura.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10We all know what happened last time you went to a party with Danielle.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Lock up your sons, everyone, Laura's coming.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16MUSIC: "Where's Your Head At?" by Basement Jaxx
0:23:16 > 0:23:19# Don't let the walls cave in on you
0:23:20 > 0:23:24# We can't live on Live on without you
0:23:24 > 0:23:27# Don't let the walls cave in on you... #
0:23:27 > 0:23:28MUSIC STOPS
0:23:29 > 0:23:31No, Mike, you didn't.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Which one's the birthday boy?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38MUSIC: "Buttons" by The Pussycat Dolls
0:23:46 > 0:23:50# I'm telling you to loosen up my buttons, baby
0:23:50 > 0:23:52# But you keep fronting
0:23:52 > 0:23:54# Saying what you going do to me
0:23:54 > 0:23:56# But I ain't seen nothing
0:23:56 > 0:23:59# I'm telling you to loosen up my buttons, baby... #
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Does this feel a bit weird?
0:24:01 > 0:24:02A little bit.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Do you want me to keep going or...?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Er... I don't know.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13She's a cutie. How old's she?
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Four months.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Aw, I've got two of my own.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Ella and Barney.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21That's nice.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I was in labour 16 hours with Barney.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26OK, stop now.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- Stop? I'm still getting paid, right? - < Aw, come on!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35GIGGLING AND MURMURING
0:24:38 > 0:24:39TOY SQUEAKS
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Oh, you're an animal.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Come on.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47SQUEAKING
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Hang on, whoa! I dropped... Hang on.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Wait, wait, wait.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55CAR STEREO PLAYS
0:24:55 > 0:24:59# The grand old Duke of York He had 10,000 men
0:24:59 > 0:25:02# He marched them up to the top of the... #
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- TRACK CHANGES - Just keep going.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07The song's going. It's sort of distracting.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10That's... That's put me off.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13It's all right. Ooh!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16I don't mind. Just keep going.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- # Humpty Dumpty sat on a... # - SQUEAK!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21SONG: If You're Happy And You Know It
0:25:21 > 0:25:23# Clap your hands... #
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Sorry.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Oh, I'm clapping my hands.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Oh, don't stop, ooh.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Are you going?
0:25:29 > 0:25:30Yeah.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Well, if you fancy going for a drink sometime, just give me a call.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41See ya.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Jamie, come on, stay a bit longer, it's your party.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Have you seen that bowl Laura got me?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Ugh. No.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09HE GAGS
0:26:12 > 0:26:15HE GAGS
0:26:18 > 0:26:21GRUNTING
0:26:21 > 0:26:23# Half a pound of tuppenny rice
0:26:23 > 0:26:26# Half a pound of treacle
0:26:26 > 0:26:29# Mix it up and make it nice
0:26:29 > 0:26:32# Pop goes the weasel
0:26:32 > 0:26:35# Up and down the City Road... #
0:26:35 > 0:26:37DANCE MUSIC BLARES
0:27:16 > 0:27:19I think I'm finally getting it.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21We don't need material goods or money.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25I don't actually need a job.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Keith, shut up, I think I might be pregnant.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30What?
0:27:30 > 0:27:31Oh, shit.
0:27:35 > 0:27:36Negative.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40Oh, God! Oh, I need a drink.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Yeah.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49I think I just put those ten years back on.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54What happened to the detox?
0:27:56 > 0:27:57OK, I'm off out, then.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02There you go.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04God, we really dodged a bullet there.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05Oh, God, what a relief.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07It must just be the menopause.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25I'm really glad you called.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27Yeah, yeah, so am I.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Jamie, it seems, is seeing someone.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Sneaky little bastard.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38So I am taking action in the form of this guy.
0:28:38 > 0:28:39Oh, nice.
0:28:39 > 0:28:40I have a date.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Really?
0:28:42 > 0:28:44With a man.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd