0:00:02 > 0:00:03- You are still crazy about me. - I'm not.
0:00:03 > 0:00:05You know I love you both very much.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07It's only your father I can't stand.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09This marriage is officially over.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13Look, Laura, Jamie isn't interested in you any more. He's moved on.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15It's really over.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Oh!
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- Morning, handsome.- Morning.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I made you breakfast.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Oh, thanks. It's...
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- It's you. - It's a fried version of me.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50You shouldn't have.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Oh, it's fine. I love having you here.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57It definitely beats being in a caravan.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00You know you can stay over even when we don't...
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Oh, I hope you don't think that... Cos I'm not like that.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06No, no. I'm just saying it's cool.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Oh, OK. Cool.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Mm.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15So, what are we doing tonight?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19I'm working late tonight then I'm looking after Emily for a couple of hours.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Emily again?
0:01:21 > 0:01:25- What? Is that not...? - Oh, no, it's fine.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28I just thought we might do something different.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31We could go to yours. I'd love to meet your parents.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Maybe we can all have dinner or something?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Er, yeah, if you want to eat Super Noodles next to a chemical toilet.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41There you go again, backing off.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43What? I'm not.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50I feel like you're tucking me away in a box separate from everything else in your life.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52You're compartmentalising me.
0:01:52 > 0:01:57I'm not. I don't compartmentalise. I don't even have a pants drawer.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00You come here after work, I cook for you,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02we have sex and then you leave again.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Sometimes I feel like you're only staying here because you hate the caravan so much.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Well, that's not true.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I mean, I do hate the caravan but...
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Look, tomorrow I'll get the night off.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18We'll go out on a proper date and we won't have any sex.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19I promise.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23OK. Good.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Now eat your face before it gets cold.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Women for women against poverty, AIDS and domestic abuse.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Ooh, catchy(!)
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Um, Madam, hi.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Can I talk to you about female genital mutilation?- No.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Yeah, that's right. Walk away.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Feminism has got you this far so just kick everyone else to the curb.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Beth, what are you doing?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Appealing to her conscience, not that she has one.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00I mean, it's such a nice day, why are you wasting your time collecting for the college charity?
0:03:00 > 0:03:05I'm not wasting my time. What happened to social responsibility?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08What these women really need is...
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- Is what?- Wells and stuff.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Hey, you must be Beth.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Hi. I must be. Um, I am.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22So I'm Ben, I'm coordinating the collection today.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Oh, OK, great.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26It's nice to see you getting stuck in.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Yeah, well, thanks. I mean, I love women.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Not in that way. I mean, like, just poor ones.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Yeah, I love poor women too.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Yeah, I love women too. We all love women, so why don't you just...?
0:03:42 > 0:03:46OK, great. So I think we've been stationed outside Marks & Spencer's.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49OK, cool. Er, that wasn't my boyfriend.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- No?- Just in case you were wondering.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- I wasn't.- OK.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Mum! Bloody hell!
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Well, it's lovely to see you too, darling.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- You're back?- Yes, of course I am.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07I'm not going to let your father divorce me behind my back, am I?
0:04:07 > 0:04:12- Well, can I come in?- Of course. But are you staying with me?
0:04:12 > 0:04:13I thought it'd be fun.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16It'll give me a chance to look after my little girl.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- Here, take my bags.- Oh, OK.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21And you can put them...
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Mm, put them in the bedroom.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26And you can have this lovely big living room.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Thanks.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33- You know Nicola's single now? - Nicola who?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Nicola Berry, my mate.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38I was talking to her about your friend Mike
0:04:38 > 0:04:42and I thought maybe we should bring them along tomorrow night, make it a double date.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Oh, no, no. She wouldn't like him.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Come on. I bet he's hot, clever, sophisticated.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Are you worried I might like him better than you?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Er, no, that's not it.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Because I only have eyes for you.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02No, Isabel, seriously, it's a bad idea.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07You know, you keep making excuses, Jamie.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Every time I try bringing us closer together, you keep pulling away.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14That's not... I don't.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I just want to be part of your life, you know?
0:05:18 > 0:05:22- OK, fine. I'll bring Mike. - Oh, yes!
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Support women. Please, ladies, support all women. Um, sir?
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Did you know that just a one-off donation could provide...
0:05:33 > 0:05:37So you won't spend two quid on a refuge shelter but you'll waste three on a sausage roll?
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- Hi.- Hey, Ben.- Hey, Beth, how are you doing over here?
0:05:41 > 0:05:46Yeah, really good. I'm loving it here. You know, on the front line, getting in their faces.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51I wonder if maybe we might need to tweak your technique a tiny bit?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54You seem a bit tense and you're frowning a lot.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Aha! We just need a bit more positivity.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Yeah, absolutely.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03And it's weird because I'm usually such a positive person, and fun.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06But also very deep and passionate. I think it's because I care...
0:06:06 > 0:06:11I'm going to get Lily to talk to you. She's one of our top fundraisers. You'll love her. Lily?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- Hey, Benny.- This is Beth. She's new.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18She'd love you to give her a few pointers. (Please.)
0:06:18 > 0:06:24- Of course I can, Benny. Can you take my bucket?- Of course.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Bye.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33So the first thing to remember about fundraising is
0:06:33 > 0:06:37people aren't interested in charity. They're interested in you.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42So think of a fake compliment to hook them in, like,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45"That is such a gorgeous sweater!"
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- We both know I'm lying but you're still listening.- Right.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Also try, like, a half-smile
0:06:53 > 0:06:56so it's clear you're sad for the orphans
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- but also experienced sexually. - Does that actually work?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Oh, yeah, every time.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- You're late.- I'm two minutes late. She was napping.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Oh, great, so she won't sleep through tonight then. Thanks, Jamie.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13You're welcome.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17So you've got her from four tomorrow, right?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- Actually I can't tomorrow. - What are you doing?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Going out with Isabel.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Um, what am I supposed to tell our child?
0:07:24 > 0:07:29"I'm sorry Daddy can't look after you. He's too busy having sex with his slut."
0:07:29 > 0:07:32She's not a slut. She's an estate agent.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36She can be both. And we need to talk about money.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- What about money? - You should be making a monthly maintenance payment.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Why would I need to do that?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Because tarty girlfriends are expensive
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- and I don't want you blowing all Emily's money on bimbo gifts.- But...
0:07:48 > 0:07:51I will draw up some figures and I will let you know what I expect.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Finally heard from Janet's lawyer. She's stalling on every detail.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05It's like she's trying to eek it out to punish you.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Now where's my shoe?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Thanks. It must have been when I um...
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Yeah. Impressive flexibility, by the way.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Maybe if I spoke to her direct it might speed things along a little?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I strongly discourage you from contacting her.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Perhaps if we gave a little ground, it might help us get this over and done with.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29You know what she's like. You show any weakness
0:08:29 > 0:08:32and she'll seize on it like a lion on a baby gazelle.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34You must remember that from your marriage.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- You have to trust your lawyer, Alan. - Huh.
0:08:40 > 0:08:45Right, 7:15. So what was that? About 40 minutes?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I'll round it up to the hour.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Sorry, are you charging me for this?
0:08:50 > 0:08:55If I didn't charge you, people would get suspicious and I don't want to look unprofessional.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- But the full hour?- It wasn't my choice to stop when we did.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I would have been very happy to carry on for another 20 minutes.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05So would I but then you did that thing with your flexibility.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Very tough negotiator, aren't you?
0:09:09 > 0:09:10That's what you pay me for.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Now get out of here before I tip you into the next hour.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Hm.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23So, um, on the house contents issue.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I've got a list. It's not in here.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- It was in here.- Never mind that.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Did you lodge my request for a more specific breakdown of Alan's finances?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Yes. And they didn't feel that it was appropriate.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I know you need the money, but I just don't think it's worth
0:09:40 > 0:09:43the heartache for the difference it'll make to the settlement.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46And that's your professional opinion, is it?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49I've found that drawn-out entrenched negotiations
0:09:49 > 0:09:51don't generally benefit the client.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56Perhaps that's because you're the one who's been carrying out these negotiations.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Speaking just as a human and not as a lawyer,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04why spend all that time stuck in a room with someone you can't stand?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Wouldn't it be better to just give some ground and get it over with?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10No. Mustn't show any weakness.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14And from now on, please don't try speaking to me as a human again.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- How's the sexual exploitation of women going?- Awful.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26BUCKET RATTLES
0:10:26 > 0:10:28And that's not even money, that's a breath mint.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Oh, Beth, just forget it. Why don't you come back to mine?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I've got FIFA 13 and some scotch eggs.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38We could microwave them, make it a bit exotic. Mmm.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Wow. And no.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44- Oh.- I can't give up. Not until I've beaten Lily.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46It's so unfair.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49I care so much more than she does but she's making all the money.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53You know she pole danced on the fourth plinth for Women's Aid?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Well, you could do that. You've just got to work on your core muscles.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Not my point.- Hey, Beth.- Hey.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Glad you had that chat with Lily. God, she's great, isn't she?
0:11:01 > 0:11:06Charming, friendly, charismatic.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Bendy.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Yeah, she's great.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12And she's put herself up for the slave auction tomorrow.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I've never met anyone so selflessly generous.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16What is it? What's the thing?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19It's at college. Highest bidder wins a date.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21You have to be their slave for the evening.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Lily is going to make a mint.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- I'll do it.- Really?
0:11:26 > 0:11:31Yeah, I'll do anything to end the sexual exploitation of women. Anything.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Yeah, OK, sure.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Yeah, we've got to consider a wide range of budgets.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Yeah, the more the merrier.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Hm, so you're going to stop the sexual exploitation of woman
0:11:43 > 0:11:46by literally selling yourself to the highest bidder?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I'm aware of the irony.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Look, Beth, it's my duty as man friend,
0:11:51 > 0:11:53to point out that Ben might have other motives.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57I mean, what if he's trying to lure you there to take advantage of you sexually?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Do you think he might?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05So is there no room for movement here?
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- Well, I am prepared to consider... - Absolutely none.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13And I'm amazed you think you're in any position to negotiate.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Your client abandoned her husband while he was still recovering from a serious head injury.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18He was better.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21She packed her bags, hopped on a plane,
0:12:21 > 0:12:23and shortly after landing began an extramarital affair.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Well, that's something of a mischaracterisation.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28No, that's a list of facts.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Be that as it may, we really must insist on
0:12:30 > 0:12:35- at least the early liquidation of the shared assets.- Why?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38If my client is to re-establish her base over here she'll need funds.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42- So you're coming back? - I may be considering it.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Your client's housing crisis is not our problem.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- Yes, it is. - I do not have a housing crisis.
0:12:48 > 0:12:53- Not that she has a housing crisis. - Then why does she need the funds?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57She doesn't.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Then what's the problem?
0:13:02 > 0:13:06I'm sorry, Hugh, were you not in the same room?
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Uh-huh, uh-huh.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- Because to me it seemed like a bloody disaster.- Sh!
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- What's the matter?- I'm trying to get Emily off to sleep.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I have to go.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Is it really worth all this, Mum?
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Absolutely. These are the final exchanges of our marriage
0:13:26 > 0:13:28and I'm damned if I'm going to lose at the last moment.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Oh, didn't realise marriage was something you won or lost.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Well, that's because you've never been married.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Anyway, I thought it was Jamie's night?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Oh, yeah, it is but he's seeing his girlfriend.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44You see, that is exactly the problem.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46We are stuck here holding the baby
0:13:46 > 0:13:49while Jamie and your father are out having sex.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I for one don't intend to let them get away with it.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I can't believe that you are.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I don't want to do it.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02All right, seriously, I need this double date to go well.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08- What's the matter with you? - I'm having woman pains.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I don't think that means what you think it means.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13What is it?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- It's Beth.- What about Beth?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18She's been fawning over this stupid guy
0:14:18 > 0:14:21and it's disgusting what I have to put up with.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24OK, can you just make an effort for me?
0:14:24 > 0:14:25He's not even that good looking
0:14:25 > 0:14:29and she thinks he's this deep charity guy but he's just a dick.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34Not that I care, obviously. I mean, she can do what she wants.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37That's the spirit. My advice is to just move on.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Oh, and if you could move on in the next five minutes, you'd do me a real favour.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Hiya. Hiya.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- Looks like they're really hitting it off.- Does it?- Yeah.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Think you might have to thank me in the best man speech.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00And do you know what is disgusting?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- When women degrade themselves for men.- Absolutely.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07When they change their entire persona just to please someone else.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09God, why aren't more men like you?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Like, sometimes, I want to be appreciated for my brains
0:15:13 > 0:15:15not just for looking hot.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Hey, listen. I don't even care how hot you are.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Oh, my God.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Isabel? Um, I'm just...
0:15:30 > 0:15:34So? Seems to be going very well, doesn't it?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Do you think you'll get another date out of it?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Don't know. Don't really care.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40What? Why? She's hot.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Is she? I didn't notice.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Can't remember what her face looks like. Can't even remember her boobs.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Seriously, what's wrong with you? - I don't know.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55It's just I'm not bothered about seeing her again. I don't...
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I don't fancy her, Jamie.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- Bye, Nicola.- Bye.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Such a shame Mike couldn't come back. They were really hitting it off.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Yeah, pity.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13She really wants another date. Isn't that great?
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Your friends, my friends, getting friendly.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Yeah. Are you sure she's just not being nice?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23For God's sake, Jamie, what's your problem?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- Don't you want our friends to get on?- No. Yes!
0:16:26 > 0:16:33Look, to be honest, when I talked to Mike he just didn't seem to fancy her.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36What do you mean he didn't fancy her? Nicola's easily an eight.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38She's a nine in some places.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Whereas Mike's, like, a drunk four.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43I don't know what it is.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47But they were getting on before you talked to him.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- What did you say to him?- Nothing.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55- I can't believe you'd sabotage this. - I didn't.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59All I want is for you to give this relationship a chance.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03But no. You don't even value me at all, do you?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Why don't you love me?
0:17:08 > 0:17:12So I asked around and apparently the affair ended very messily.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16So it's definitely over then, is it?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Yes. She's broke and getting desperate.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23- Poor Janet.- Yeah, poor Janet(!)
0:17:24 > 0:17:28We're going to grill the bitch. Cheers.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- Morning, handsome.- Morning.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44I'm really sorry about last night.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48I'm not usually this insecure. I just really like you.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Forgive me? I could make it up to you tonight.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01- I could do that thing you like where I...- No.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05I'm looking after Emily this evening. I switched nights, remember?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Maybe you could bring her here.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10We could have a quiet night in, just the three of us.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12You want to spend the night babysitting?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15She's an important part of your life and I want to get to know her.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21OK. That's nice, I guess.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Yeah.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27And I promise I won't pin her in a corner and scream at her.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28OK.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Heart.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- So just to check, you're not going to agree to point five?- No.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42We're not agreeing to any point.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45And point five would be one of those.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Well, I don't think that's going to be acceptable to my client.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Right, Janet?
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Well, Hugh, your client isn't exactly on the moral or legal high ground here.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58We know that she's been personally and professionally humiliated
0:18:58 > 0:19:02and clearly doesn't even have the funds to afford decent council.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Why prolong her misery?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Yes, all right, Sally. That's enough, thank you.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12We agree to all Janet's demands.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15No, we don't. Alan, I advise you to just...
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Yes, thank you for your advice. We're done here now.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Fine. I'll have the papers drawn up for signature.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Well, that went pretty well, I think.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Really pulled it round there at the end.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- What?- Nice to see you too. It's my night, remember?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Oh, right, yeah.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52We're going to Aunty Isabel's, aren't we?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Oh, no, you're not.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Yes, we are. Aunty Isabel wants to see you.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Isn't that exciting?- No.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I'm not happy with Emily spending time with Isabel.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08She doesn't need some strange woman waltzing into her life.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11In fact, I hereby ban you from seeing them together.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- You can't ban me. - Yes, I can. I just did.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Laura!
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Alan? Alan I er...
0:20:24 > 0:20:29I just wanted to thank you for taking the higher ground.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Not a place I'm used to.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- Your lawyer didn't seem very pleased.- She'll get over it.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39You see, Alan, the affair...
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Well, I don't want to say that we're even
0:20:42 > 0:20:47but for what it's worth, I forgive you.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51And I hope that eventually you'll be able to forgive me too.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Seems like a fair settlement.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22And she is sold for £65 to the gentleman in denim.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24APPLAUSE
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Oh God, this was a mistake.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Don't worry. You look totally affordable.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Next up we have tonight's big draw.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Everyone put your hands together for Lily.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37THEY CHEER
0:21:39 > 0:21:43So, Lily, tell us a little bit about yourself.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Well, a few fun reasons you should bid on me tonight.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51First of all, I am a fully qualified masseuse.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53WHOOPING
0:21:53 > 0:21:57I nearly represented the US in the 2012 Olympics
0:21:57 > 0:22:00as a member of the rhythmic gymnastics squad,
0:22:00 > 0:22:06but had to drop out as my moves were considered too distractingly sexual.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14And a fun fact about me is that I reject the social convention of underwear.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20So, who'll start the bidding on Lily?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- £20.- 30.- 50.- 50?
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- 80.- I have 80.- 90.- 100!
0:22:27 > 0:22:30£100. Oh, I can't let you go for that.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33150. Sold! To me.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Oh, and also Beth.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Um, hello.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55MICROPHONE WHISTLES
0:22:56 > 0:22:59My name is Beth.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05I'm passionate about helping people less fortunate than myself...
0:23:08 > 0:23:12..by providing them with the tools they need to make an effective change.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Um, microfinancing...
0:23:23 > 0:23:27So who will start the bidding on this young lady?
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Remember, she comes with a drinks voucher worth £10.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37£5.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39£5. Any advance on five?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Right, £5, anyone?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46All right, every little helps. I'm selling her at five.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48600!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Sold to that guy. Congratulations.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57I'm sorry, Beth, I couldn't bear to stay at home
0:23:57 > 0:24:00while these animals scrabbled around,
0:24:00 > 0:24:06fighting over your body like you're just a sexy piece of... ham.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Mike...- No, Beth, no.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13You deserve someone who's going to appreciate you for who you really are,
0:24:13 > 0:24:18not when you're pretending to be someone fun or charismatic or nice.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I mean when you're being yourself.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I just want to give you a really special evening, Beth.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Even if it's just as friends.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Now, come on. Let's get you out of here.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I am going to buy you a bucket of boneless chicken.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54Don't applaud.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I don't want your pity.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Stand aside.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Where are you going to find that kind of cash?
0:25:05 > 0:25:09- Well, I thought we could go halvsies.- No way!
0:25:09 > 0:25:14What? Come on, I thought modern women were all about splitting the bill.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17There's got to be some advantages to feminism.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20God, my arms are killing. Have you put on weight?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Ow!
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Bloody walk yourself.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26SHE GIGGLES
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- What is this?- Surprise!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Wow! This is really...
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- Magical, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12So, welcome, fair knight.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Oh, OK.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- This is for you.- Oh.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24It's for a 12-year-old but I thought you could leave the Velcro open.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27So where's Emily?
0:26:27 > 0:26:32Hm? Oh, Emily? Yeah, she couldn't make it.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37What do you mean she couldn't make it?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Oh, I'm sorry. But hey, I'm free this evening
0:26:41 > 0:26:46so why don't we go somewhere a little less enchanted grotto-y?
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Maybe go out somewhere?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Dressed like this? Are you mentally ill?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53No. You could change.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Ugh! I don't want to.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02I'm trying to make a genuine connection with you
0:27:02 > 0:27:06- and you're just crapping all over my enchanted picnic.- I'm not.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Look, Isabel, it's all Laura's fault. She said...
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Oh, it's always someone else's fault.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14How much of an idiot do you think I am, Jamie?
0:27:14 > 0:27:19I don't think you're an idiot. And this picnic's lovely. Although...
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- Shouldn't they really be dwarves? - What?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Well, it's just that princesses don't really go with teddy bears.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32I mean, if you were Goldilocks and there were fewer bears...
0:27:32 > 0:27:38Oh, I'm sorry. Is my picnic not factually accurate enough for you?
0:27:38 > 0:27:42I only spent the last nine and a half hours putting this together.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45But yeah, you're right! It's not good enough.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48I tell you what? Why don't I get rid of some of these bears for a start?
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Ow. OK. Isabel don't take it out on the other guests.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Oh, and we won't need all these cupcakes, will we?
0:27:54 > 0:27:58No, no, no. Ow! OK. Those cupcakes are hard. Ow!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Oh, so I can't even bake now?
0:28:00 > 0:28:05No, no, they're light as air. Light as air. Look, light as air.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Ah! There she is!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Jeez, Evelyn, what are you doing here?
0:28:11 > 0:28:15I thought I'd surprise you what with it being Emily's birthday party and all.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19- Jamie, you're such a nice guy. - Oh, yeah, that's me.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21I'm not just going to ditch her.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25- Well, you say it's not her, it's you. You've changed.- Yes.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29More specifically, you've changed into someone who can't stand the sight of her.