0:00:23 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Good...
0:00:34 > 0:00:36evening!
0:00:36 > 0:00:39And welcome to tonight's QI.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41And tonight, we have a higgledy-piggledy,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44hotchpotch of things beginning with H.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48And joining me tonight are the humungous Phill Jupitus...
0:00:48 > 0:00:52APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:56..the hyperbolic Ross Noble...
0:00:56 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:03..the hygienic Jack Dee...
0:01:03 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:10..and ho-hum, it's Alan Davies.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13APPLAUSE
0:01:16 > 0:01:20So, any time you want to say "hi", give me a bell. Jack goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:24- BONG - And Phill goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:27RING-RING
0:01:27 > 0:01:28And Ross goes...
0:01:28 > 0:01:31# Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding
0:01:31 > 0:01:34# Ring-a-ding-a-ding A-ding-ring-ring-a-ding. #
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Yeah, thank you. And, Alan goes...
0:01:36 > 0:01:39ALARM
0:01:39 > 0:01:42LAUGHTER
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I'm sorry!
0:01:44 > 0:01:48I'm so, so not sorry.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Let's give this pudding a stir, gentlemen.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Why do bankers like
0:01:52 > 0:01:57- long-haired men...- Oh, hello!
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Is there any need for that...really?! I mean, come on.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04The scariest thing is, I'm wearing the same shirt.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05You are!
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Look at that, that is appalling, isn't it?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I've got to hand it to you, Ross, you've got lovely legs.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11LAUGHTER
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Unfortunately, that suppository was the oddest shaped one I'd ever used.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18LAUGHTER It was...
0:02:18 > 0:02:20No wonder he's not smiling.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Oh, I've only just noticed you.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25LAUGHTER
0:02:27 > 0:02:31The full question is why do bankers like long-haired men
0:02:31 > 0:02:33and short-skirted women?
0:02:33 > 0:02:34- RING-RING - Yes?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Bi-curious.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Is it like when you're in the bank
0:02:41 > 0:02:43and you sort of lean forward like that,
0:02:43 > 0:02:47the hair brushes off all the little receipt stubs.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Like that...
0:02:50 > 0:02:52And the bankers are sat going,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54"Brilliant, I don't have to go round and clean that up."
0:02:54 > 0:02:58- Like a sort of a reverse Hoover. - Right, OK. Fair enough.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01What do financiers look for, when are they happiest?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03When they're rolling in money.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Yes, and when do they earn more money?
0:03:06 > 0:03:07In the summer.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09No!
0:03:09 > 0:03:10In the '60s.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- LAUGHTER - Yes!
0:03:12 > 0:03:15What's the word for a period of prosperity?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- Boom.- A boom, as opposed to a bust or a recession.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Now, it just so happens that throughout the 20th century,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25the length of women's skirts in fashion
0:03:25 > 0:03:31was exactly correlated to the rise and fall of the stock market.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33And as skirts got shorter and shorter,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37right up to the Wall Street crash, the flapper skirts,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40and then instantly skirt lengths got longer again
0:03:40 > 0:03:42during the depression.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45And the long hair is correspondingly...
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Long hair means a boom?
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Yes, it's a negative correlation.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51The further down the hair, the further up the market.
0:03:51 > 0:03:57There are other indicators, or at least, things that go with boom and bust sales...
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Dogs in bags.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02- Dogs in bags.- Dogs in bags, I would imagine that's a boom thing.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Isn't that like an Essex delicacy?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07"Can I have a couple of dogs in bags, mate? Couple of them."
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- Chicken in a basket. - Yeah, chicken in a basket.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Lovely!
0:04:12 > 0:04:14It's a Korean delicacy.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15- LAUGHTER - People buy more
0:04:15 > 0:04:18perishable foods during a boom,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21you know, meats and fish and things like that, and the more...
0:04:21 > 0:04:23pastas and things you can store, during a bust.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Anyway, it seems that according to hemline theory,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30girls' hemlines go up as the market goes up
0:04:30 > 0:04:32and so when a banker looks at a girl's legs
0:04:32 > 0:04:34his mind is strictly on business.
0:04:34 > 0:04:40What starts with H and means you'll always be the bridesmaid and never the bride?
0:04:40 > 0:04:41RING-RING
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Phill Jupitus.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Hepatitis C.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47LAUGHTER
0:04:47 > 0:04:48APPLAUSE
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Ohhh!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Oddly enough, you're surprisingly close!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- RING-RING - Oh! Herpes.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- LAUGHTER - Well...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- BONG - You got the right first and last letter.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Halitosis?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Halitosis is the right answer.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I could have come up with that and got the laugh in the first place.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12LAUGHTER
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Halitosis was made up.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15It was made up by Listerine,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18the company that made Listerine - Lambert Pharmaca.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22And they had this product who they named after Joseph Lister -
0:05:22 > 0:05:24the father of antiseptic surgery
0:05:24 > 0:05:26who made everybody wash and everything
0:05:26 > 0:05:28and they used it first of all as an anti-septic
0:05:28 > 0:05:31and then without changing the formula,
0:05:31 > 0:05:32it was for washing floors,
0:05:32 > 0:05:36and then it was a cure for gonorrhoea, then they thought,
0:05:36 > 0:05:38we'll call it a mouthwash. Same thing!
0:05:38 > 0:05:42Was there a point where that was combined?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45It was like a gonorrhoea thing and then, actually, my mouth's quite...
0:05:45 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Oh, me halitosis is gone there.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53They invented, essentially, this new product - a mouthwash.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57It never existed before. So they had to invent a problem for it to solve
0:05:57 > 0:06:01and they started this campaign saying, you know,
0:06:01 > 0:06:06hotel clerks say that one in three guests who check in have halitosis
0:06:06 > 0:06:10and dentists saying that 83% of patients have halitosis
0:06:10 > 0:06:13and people began to get very nervous about their breath.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Of course people have dog breath - let's be honest, there are -
0:06:16 > 0:06:18and dogs, I dare say, have people breath.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20How can you tell someone?
0:06:20 > 0:06:25It's so difficult. That was part of one of their campaigns actually.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27That's why packets of mints were invented.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29I always feel like if someone's offering me a mint,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31that's definitely what they're saying.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35It's true, I mean these were the kinds of things they used
0:06:35 > 0:06:36as advertising slogans.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39They went from a tiny company to a vast one.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42By inventing a name for something that was quite...
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Calling it a disease and people thought, "Oh, I've got halitosis
0:06:45 > 0:06:48"and this is a medical product that will deal with it."
0:06:48 > 0:06:52And no-one before... People had probably eaten things
0:06:52 > 0:06:54to sweeten their breath before, but, er...
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I had a picture taken once with a koala...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:04You could just leave that there.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06LAUGHTER
0:07:06 > 0:07:09And it was eating eucalyptus leaves, like they do, which are poisonous,
0:07:09 > 0:07:14but they've got a 48-mile intestine or something and they can digest...
0:07:14 > 0:07:15But its breath was amazing.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17It's sweet, it's lovely, isn't it?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19It was pure eucalyptus, it was like Olbas Oil.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Even their fur smells lovely. It is gorgeous.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23It looked at me and went, "Huhhh..."
0:07:23 > 0:07:25LAUGHTER
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Is it the koala or is that the excuse you use
0:07:30 > 0:07:33when you started putting the moves on it?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35LAUGHTER
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Koala started it.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39It was cuddling me, next thing you know,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42beautiful breath, I thought I'd have a go.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45None of that happened.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47You say it didn't happen.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49If you had a bad throat could you get a koala,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52put it in a big bowl and then a tea towel...
0:07:52 > 0:07:54LAUGHTER
0:07:54 > 0:07:55It'd be a way to cure it.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58You wouldn't want your wife coming in and seeing that.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- No. Sorry, darling, it just frothed in my mouth.- No!
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Oh, Lord.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Why not buy one of my outback inhalers?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11They're cuddly and gorgeous.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14People just sucking on a koala.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Here he is, the little critter, here he comes now.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Or, Australian asthmatics going, "Oh, no, dear,"
0:08:20 > 0:08:25getting the koala out. Just holding his balls and going...
0:08:25 > 0:08:28ROSS: Wouldn't that have been brilliant if...
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Why his balls?! You tickle his feet!
0:08:32 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Poor little fella.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41It lets all the female koalas off the hook though, doesn't it?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43That would be brilliant if in Star Wars,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46when they took off Vader's helmet he just had a koala in there.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50HE INHALES LIKE DARTH VADER "Oh, that's better."
0:08:50 > 0:08:52LAUGHTER
0:08:52 > 0:08:55So - halitosis was invented by an advertising agency to shift mouthwash.
0:08:55 > 0:09:01Now, to handedness. Who might use a left-handed motorbike?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Aww.- Funny outfit I've got on.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- Yeah, do you remember wearing that? - No. I remember that motorbike ride,
0:09:08 > 0:09:10that was exhilarating.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Is it one-armed men?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16No. I mean, I guess they would have a use for it.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Because there was a real market for left-handed...
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- By which you mean throttle on the left?- Yep. - GONG
0:09:22 > 0:09:27Was it something to do with needing your right hand free for
0:09:27 > 0:09:28- holding a gun, or...- Yes!
0:09:28 > 0:09:33- Spot on. Holding a gun.- Where can I get one of these motorbikes?
0:09:33 > 0:09:34LAUGHTER
0:09:34 > 0:09:38They turned the company that made them - the Indian motorcycle company -
0:09:38 > 0:09:42there they are, the Indians - it's an American motorcycle company.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Between the wars, they were the largest motorcycle company in the world.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49And part of it was because they sold so many of these left-handed bikes
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- to...- Cowboys?- The police. - Ah, the police.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Police all over America, so they could drive and accelerate
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- and kill people with guns at the same time.- Why didn't they just
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- fix a bayonet on the front? - That would be fun.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07In fact, I'm thinking of getting one of those for my motorbike
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- for cyclists.- Really?- Yeah.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- A bayonet?- Not to stab them or anything. Just a cheeky...
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Cheeky little poke.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- It doesn't need to be a bayonet, then.- Well...
0:10:17 > 0:10:20If you can use a bayonet, then use a bayonet, that's what I say.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- It could be something else, like a...- A broom handle.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26A cucumber or something. You don't need a right-handed...
0:10:26 > 0:10:30If you've just got a bloke at your side, you're fine!
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Unfortunately that was the only photograph we could find.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I've got some left-handed things here,
0:10:36 > 0:10:37some of which you can see the point of.
0:10:37 > 0:10:43This is a left-handed Biro, or pen, it's rather peculiar shape.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45It makes me feel sick looking at it.
0:10:45 > 0:10:51It's strange. I think the idea is so you don't smudge...
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Left-handed people are naturally evil, that's what they say, isn't it?
0:10:55 > 0:11:02That's a well-known fact. Those pens, all they write is, "I will kill again, I will kill again..."
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Possessed pen, is it?
0:11:06 > 0:11:10- It's really hard to write with. - This is a left-handed...
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Do you want to try that with your right hand?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- It'll drive me crazy.- Have any left-handed people in the audience
0:11:16 > 0:11:20ever found that pencil sharpeners are a real bore,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- in a right-handed world? - That has already annoyed me.
0:11:23 > 0:11:28Well, that's how a left-handed person would feel with our thing.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Well, they should have just adapted when they were younger.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Whoa!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35What's wrong with having a stutter?
0:11:35 > 0:11:40- It's not a condition, being left-handed!- Well, you say that.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Left-handed scissors are well-known.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Don't give a left-hander scissors, they'll stab you in the face.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Stab you in the face soon as look at you.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56JACK: It's where the word sinister comes from, isn't it?
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Sinister is the Latin for left. If you're ambisinistrous,
0:11:59 > 0:12:04- what does that mean? - Left-handed and left-footed.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06It means you're crap with both hands.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Ambidextrous is you're good with both hands,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11ambisinistrous, can't write with either hand!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14But this, this will annoy you then.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16A left-handed can opener.
0:12:16 > 0:12:22Just assume that all left-handed people are just as annoyed by right-handed things.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- But...- They're a minority so they should be punished...
0:12:25 > 0:12:28One of those could turn up in your kitchen with no warning.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30You'd wake up in the morning and go, "Oh...WHAT?!"
0:12:33 > 0:12:36The only thing that could annoy Jack more now is if he opens that can
0:12:36 > 0:12:38and it's all left-handed peaches.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Just imagine!
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Well, thank you. You can give them back, I can see they've upset you.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51There is a left-handed shop where you can buy all these things
0:12:51 > 0:12:56and my sister is left-handed and one Christmas, I thought, I will buy her something,
0:12:56 > 0:13:00it'll be thoughtful. I found the shop and went bang, right into it,
0:13:00 > 0:13:02of course, the door opened on the other side.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09There's another motorbike question that might interest you.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Why do you think motorbikes aren't charged congestion fees?
0:13:13 > 0:13:14RING-A-DING!
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- Ross Noble.- You're expecting us to say cos they don't cause congestion
0:13:18 > 0:13:21and the thing will go WHOOP! But it's because of the cameras.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- Yes.- Motorbikes have a plate on the back
0:13:25 > 0:13:27and they don't have a plate on the front.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32- Yeah.- So the camera only takes a photo from the front so there's no way of knowing who it is...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34You are absolutely right
0:13:34 > 0:13:35and there are points for that.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36APPLAUSE
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I just...
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Very good.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45I'd just like to point out that is the only thing I know.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46The only thing.
0:13:46 > 0:13:51And it's come up. I can't believe that in my brain, you started saying that, I went,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54"I know what he's going to say here. I can use my one bit of knowledge."
0:13:54 > 0:14:00- Superb. Well done. Very good indeed. - They used to have a number plate on the front mudguard.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- They did, sideways on. - Absolutely lethal.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07That's why all cars now are all smooth, soft-fronted things.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- Yeah.- JACK: It's actually now safe to be run over.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- Yes.- It's perfectly fine.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16ROSS: It would be brilliant if they had external airbags.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20As soon as you hit somebody, your car became a bouncy castle.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23It'd be brilliant. You'd be walking along... Oh, no!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25And then, BANG! Heyyy!
0:14:26 > 0:14:32You'd get collateral damage, a passer-by getting shot into a shop window.
0:14:32 > 0:14:38Or he's just about to be run over and go, "Oh, better take me shoes off."
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Thank you. Good, well,
0:14:44 > 0:14:50left-handed motorcycles allowed right-handed American policemen to shoot at people whilst chasing them.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Now, why would a hoplophobe be particularly nervous
0:14:53 > 0:14:59of a Sturmgewehr vierundvierzig with a Krummlauf modification?
0:15:00 > 0:15:01BICYCLE BELL TINGS
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Cos he was French.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04LAUGHTER
0:15:04 > 0:15:09Yeah, kind of... It is of course a German something -
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Sturmgewehr 44.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Is it a firearm?
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- It is a firearm.- A machine gun? - It's not a machine gun.- No?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- Funnily enough...I have one. - MAN: Assault rifle?
0:15:18 > 0:15:22Oh, assault rifle. Somebody speaks German there. Sturmgewehr.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25That was slightly scary, wasn't it?
0:15:25 > 0:15:26LAUGHTER
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- You know you said that out loud?! - "It's an assault rifle..."
0:15:30 > 0:15:33"I've got eight in my bunker."
0:15:33 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER
0:15:35 > 0:15:39"I can't tell you where, it's a secret location."
0:15:39 > 0:15:41"I've got hundreds of these as well."
0:15:41 > 0:15:43"Come the day..."
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- Would you like to see one? - "Come the day..."
0:15:46 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:49"..we'll be ready."
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- They're very big, very heavy...- All your Christmases have come at once.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55You've got no idea what you're doing.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57There's the Sturmgewehr, which is a German
0:15:57 > 0:16:02Second World War assault rifle. The first assault rifle there ever was.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06- But the Krummlauf is the interesting part.- Oh, I can see it.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09The Krummlauf is this modification...
0:16:09 > 0:16:11They don't like it up 'em(!)
0:16:11 > 0:16:12LAUGHTER
0:16:12 > 0:16:14So...this is a genuine article.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17It's brought to us by our very nice friends
0:16:17 > 0:16:19from the Royal Armouries in Leeds,
0:16:19 > 0:16:21it's going to spend the night in the Tower of London tonight,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24and this is this extraordinary Krummlauf...
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- You can shoot over the trench.- You shoot over a wall or round a corner,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30and this is a periscope. And so if I'm here, I can actually...
0:16:30 > 0:16:34I assure you, it HAS been deactivated.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37There's no chance, it's been checked and double-checked, but I can see
0:16:37 > 0:16:41the audience in my... And I can see the sights as well in the periscope.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Yes, it's been converted into a waterer for flower baskets.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47I can point at the back row of the audience,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49or, as you rightly say, round a corner.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53But there's another gun, isn't there, that actually shoots round a corner?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Yes, the Israeli army uses that. We might even have a picture of it.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59It's a much more modern development.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01There it is. That really is extraordinary.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05And behind, though, is the first of its kind, a very simple invention,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08an Australian invention in the First World War, where you see a genuine
0:17:08 > 0:17:10rifle on top of the trench and a thing holding it
0:17:10 > 0:17:13and a periscope, looking through the sight.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Quite clever. - But, much cooler just to go...
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- Oh, yes. You're so right. - LAUGHTER
0:17:19 > 0:17:23There it is. 1943 it was invented, they started making them in '44.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26It was too late - Jerry didn't win the war, as you probably know.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28We gave them a bit of an old spanking, in fact.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:35But this was in great demand for the Panzer people, in their tanks...
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Please tell me on the other side of the desk you've got the left-handed one.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41ROSS: That one that goes round the corner -
0:17:41 > 0:17:44do they have ones that go that way and ones that go that way?
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Cos that would really annoy you if you ran up and you went, "Oh, no..."
0:17:48 > 0:17:49LAUGHTER
0:17:49 > 0:17:52"I've got to go all the way round the block!"
0:17:52 > 0:17:54LAUGHTER
0:17:56 > 0:17:59It was invented by a man called Hans-Joachim Shayede,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02who was a washing machine manufacturer, in fact...
0:18:02 > 0:18:03So it's got a spin cycle?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05LAUGHTER
0:18:05 > 0:18:08So was he just trying to drum up a bit of business -
0:18:08 > 0:18:10on the adverts where they go, "It gets blood out.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12"Oh, I tell you what... HE MIMICS RIFLE FIRE
0:18:12 > 0:18:14"You'll be needing a washing machine."
0:18:14 > 0:18:19And I said a hoplophobe, and a hoplophobe is someone who hates weapons.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I thought it was someone who's scared of hooplas.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26According to urbandictionary.com - this literally is their definition -
0:18:26 > 0:18:30"An irrational fear of weapons, generally guns,
0:18:30 > 0:18:33"usually occurring as a result of a liberal upbringing,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36"or the fact the person is just a wimp in general.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38LAUGHTER
0:18:38 > 0:18:43"Rather than deal with the fear, said hoplophobe will assign human characteristics to a weapon,
0:18:43 > 0:18:46"i.e. "guns are evil" or "guns kill",
0:18:46 > 0:18:51"to justify the fear rather than deal with the core problem of being a sissy."
0:18:51 > 0:18:53LAUGHTER
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- I'll tell you something.- Yeah? - He wrote that.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57LAUGHTER
0:18:58 > 0:19:00He may have done. Assault rifle.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04- ROSS: I bet he wrote it with a left-handed pen.- Don't play with it
0:19:04 > 0:19:07because they did ask that nobody else touch it because it's very valuable.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I was going to make it go over the desk!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11LAUGHTER
0:19:11 > 0:19:15I'm sorry. I'm afraid I was given a specific, "Alan not to touch."
0:19:15 > 0:19:17LAUGHTER
0:19:17 > 0:19:19It's very valuable.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22I love the fact that somewhere there's a memo that just says,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25"Machine gun. For Stephen Fry's use only."
0:19:25 > 0:19:26LAUGHTER
0:19:26 > 0:19:28"What?!"
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Anyway, yes - the age-old problem of firing guns round corners
0:19:31 > 0:19:34has been solved by making guns that fire round corners.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Time to inject a bit of humour and hilarity,
0:19:36 > 0:19:41so why did the bomb disposal expert go to the joke shop?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Something you can get there that helps with bomb disposing?
0:19:45 > 0:19:49- Fake poos. - LAUGHTER
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- Take me through the chain of... - I don't know how...
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Is it er...whoopee cushions?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Put a whoopee cushion under, to release the pressure plate?
0:19:58 > 0:20:02That's quite smart thinking. It's not that, actually.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05They're called ammunition technicians, and they use
0:20:05 > 0:20:07a thing you might get in a joke shop or a party shop...
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- A flower that sprays water. - It is something you spray.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- Oh, is it that squirty stuff... - ROSS: Silly string.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Silly string! Now, what use would silly string be?
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Does it fill up the fuse area and block everything up?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23No, it's not that. It's in case there are invisible tripwires -
0:20:23 > 0:20:26and you spray it, and they fall on the tripwire without triggering it.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31And particularly they have fluorescent silly string, so in dark corners where you might...
0:20:31 > 0:20:36There's always the possibility, because so many bombs are booby-trapped.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41It's nice that that's a real thing, but I just prefer them leaning over a bomb going...
0:20:41 > 0:20:44HE MIMICS PARTY HOOTER
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- In a big Margaret Thatcher mask. - LAUGHTER
0:20:49 > 0:20:50With a rubber chicken.
0:20:50 > 0:20:56I have to say, that would have improved that film The Hurt Locker.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- Yes!- "Hey-hey!"
0:20:59 > 0:21:03PHILL MIMICS NOISEMAKER
0:21:03 > 0:21:05PHILL MIMICS HORN
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Anyway...
0:21:07 > 0:21:11The army uses silly string to check for tripwires in booby-trapped houses.
0:21:11 > 0:21:16From houses to holes, you can't fit a square peg in a round hole.
0:21:16 > 0:21:21So how would you make a square hole with a round drill?
0:21:21 > 0:21:25- That's the question. Can it be done? Yes, Jack Dee? - BELL TOLLS
0:21:25 > 0:21:29I would drill four small holes that, don't laugh before it's happened...
0:21:29 > 0:21:32LAUGHTER
0:21:32 > 0:21:35I might surprise you yet. I'm thinking while I talk.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40I would drill four small holes that would describe a square...
0:21:40 > 0:21:46- The corners?- Corners and then with a hacksaw I would join them and knock the square through.
0:21:46 > 0:21:54It's a way of punching a square into the surface, but there is actually a way of using a round drill bit.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Well, my way's better.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00That would be brilliant if it had gone "woo-woo"
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- at every word you said...- One day!
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Don't laugh before you've...
0:22:10 > 0:22:13There's a particular shape, a sort of circular triangle
0:22:13 > 0:22:18which when it revolves, a part of it makes a square.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20A circular triangle?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Well...
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Oh, no, no, no!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26This is your first time. This sort of thing happens all the time!
0:22:26 > 0:22:30"It's a sort of circular triangle!"
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Yes and it makes a square!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38It's not the fact that I'm boggled by that,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41it's the fact I now realise there's a possibility
0:22:41 > 0:22:45that you could have a Toblerone-Rolo combo.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I've dreamt about that for years.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Do you know the weird thing? Do you know what will freak you out completely, Ross Noble?
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Is the name for this form a triangle is a Reuleaux.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01It genuinely is!
0:23:04 > 0:23:08You have to have points for that. You somehow found a triangle that was a Reuleaux.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12It's a Reuleaux triangle, that's what it's called. It's a very particular shape.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15If we come on this show and we discover things,
0:23:15 > 0:23:20what I like tonight is I've just discovered the best three words to hear in a Geordie accent
0:23:20 > 0:23:22are, "Toblerone-Rolo combo".
0:23:22 > 0:23:27Thanks, now everyone I meet's going to go, "Can you say Toblerone, please?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30"Go on, Geordie man, dance for us."
0:23:30 > 0:23:34You've got to form a band now. Called that.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- Me and Cheryl Cole?- Yes!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39LAUGHTER
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Her, me and Jimmy Nail as a trio.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46"Ladies and gentlemen, the Toblerone-Rolo Combo!"
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- You're not going to play the trombone?- The trombone?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52My God.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Right, OK...
0:23:53 > 0:23:57- Do you want to see a picture of this Reuleaux triangle?- Yes.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- A Reuleaux triangle... - Is it only available in airports?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03No, let's roll it... There.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08Now, you see that's a sort of round-ended triangle.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12There it is and that is the drill bit and it is describing a square, if you see, exactly.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Isn't that crazy?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17How loony is that?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19You've sickened me.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Now that shape may be familiar if you like cars and bikes.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28It's a type of piston, rotary piston which is known as a...
0:24:28 > 0:24:32- A Wankel.- A Wankel or "Vankel" if we prefer to say it that way.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36- Wankel was a bloke though, wasn't he? - He was. Mr Wankel was indeed a bloke.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39That's all you could do. If your name was Wankel.
0:24:39 > 0:24:45You'd go, "What are you going to do?" "Well, it's going to have to be engines, isn't it?
0:24:45 > 0:24:46"Or sex toys!"
0:24:46 > 0:24:50And I for one, looking at that, am glad that he went the engine path,
0:24:50 > 0:24:54because I can't see that as being particularly comfortable.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57There's nothing worse than a motorised sex toy,
0:24:57 > 0:25:00just the fact that at the end of the bed, the bloke from the AA
0:25:00 > 0:25:02just like, "Try it now. Try it now."
0:25:02 > 0:25:05LAUGHTER
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Oh, my heavens!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Sorry, I'm going to have to tow you.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18As long as we don't go past my mum's house.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21APPLAUSE
0:25:21 > 0:25:25You've got the awful problem it's not doing it now.
0:25:25 > 0:25:31As soon as you come it's working perfectly. Sorry!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Oh God!
0:25:33 > 0:25:37No, no. Right.
0:25:38 > 0:25:46Yeah, OK. So you can make a square hole with a round drill but...
0:25:46 > 0:25:48this is something more extraordinary in a way.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52This is from an ordinary cylinder.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54And all you do is just cut two wedges off it.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58As long as the cylinder is as long as it is wide,
0:25:58 > 0:26:02you cut the two wedges and you can do something again that you're not supposed to be able to do.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Ah! Wedge the door open on a rabbit hutch?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07LAUGHTER
0:26:07 > 0:26:09No, it's rather amazing.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13You've got the three Play School windows, you've got the square, the triangle...
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- You can push it into all of them. - That is a square now, look. See?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18It's a square.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24- Look. See, square? Square. - Go on. Put it through then.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Also it's...hang on.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29It's also a triangle.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- Yes?- Triangle. And...it's a circle.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Isn't that amazing?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- Can I...?- Just one shape.
0:26:38 > 0:26:44Can we just leave that, like at a playgroup and watch the kids' heads explode?
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Do you want to try?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Put the round into the square.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50No, doesn't work now.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- It's stopped working! - Stopped working.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55It's broken. Get the AA man.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- Yeah, you got the circle. - Circle, good, yes.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02- Square?- Square, yes.- Very good.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Triangle...
0:27:06 > 0:27:09JACK: He wasn't great at school, Alan.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14ROSS: Do you realise, if you get this through, a banana comes out of a chute?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23No bananas for you!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- Hey! Hey!- Well done.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29- APPLAUSE - Well done.- I'm such a tool, aren't I?- "Don't patronise me!"
0:27:29 > 0:27:33- Excellent.- Applause for getting a bit of thing through a hole...
0:27:33 > 0:27:37So you can get a round peg into a square hole and a square peg in a round hole.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40I want to play with the gun that shoots round corners!
0:27:40 > 0:27:45- No, you can't play with the gun. - Special instructions?! "Don't let Alan play with it."
0:27:45 > 0:27:50Police were baffled in London tonight by a series of murders committed round corners.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56The fact is, thanks to the wonders of geometry, it's quite possible
0:27:56 > 0:27:58to drill a square hole with a circular bit.
0:27:58 > 0:28:03While we're sanding and polishing, what is the roundest thing in the universe? Yeah.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06No, just saying.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07Oh, no! Phill!
0:28:07 > 0:28:10- LAUGHTER - Ah, not at all.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14You should see it when... Er, no. The roundest thing in the universe?
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Ball bearings.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19- Ball bearings are quite round, but...- I swallowed a ball bearing once.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Do you mean the smoothest, most rounded...?
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Yeah, the most purely, purely round. In other words...
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Cos if you... Well...
0:28:29 > 0:28:32The earth is, er, thingy as it's squashed. It's not round.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34It's an oblate spheroid.
0:28:34 > 0:28:35Oh, Nelly Furtado!
0:28:35 > 0:28:38LAUGHTER
0:28:38 > 0:28:40He's got a word for everything.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Is it, er, a liquid drop,
0:28:42 > 0:28:44a water drop?
0:28:44 > 0:28:46They can get jolly round.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48They can be very round.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52We're actually further out of space than earth, beyond earth.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54It's a cosmic phenomenon.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55Is it a black hole?
0:28:55 > 0:28:58- It's that kind of a deal. - Oh, it's those, erm,
0:28:58 > 0:29:02space helmets, those big round space helmets,
0:29:02 > 0:29:04with the things on the top.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07JACK: Is it the thing called the genius point?
0:29:07 > 0:29:12- Is it the point to which everything...- Sucked in. - ..goes to ultimately.
0:29:12 > 0:29:17Not that. When a supernova has a gravitational collapse, it turns into something called...?
0:29:17 > 0:29:18A neutron star.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21JACK: Yeah. ROSS: Oh, the neutron star(!)
0:29:21 > 0:29:25- They're really round... - That's not round!
0:29:25 > 0:29:30- LAUGHTER - That's a supernova, I think. That's a supernova, going supernova.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Then show us the round thing!
0:29:32 > 0:29:34The...
0:29:34 > 0:29:36LAUGHTER
0:29:36 > 0:29:38He's very upset, aren't you?
0:29:38 > 0:29:39YES!
0:29:39 > 0:29:42It only has a diameter of about 15 miles or so
0:29:42 > 0:29:45and there isn't one near enough to be able to see it with the naked eye.
0:29:45 > 0:29:49Have you ever noticed how we always have to take Stephen's word for it?
0:29:49 > 0:29:53What's interesting is, if I had a thimble full of a neutron star,
0:29:53 > 0:29:56it would weigh more than a mountain.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58Yeah, but you don't!
0:29:59 > 0:30:01I'll tell you what,
0:30:01 > 0:30:04imagine how confused the old woman darning your socks would be
0:30:04 > 0:30:08if you had a thimble full of it. She was just trying to fix a hole and... Whoomph!
0:30:08 > 0:30:11It was all space and time coming out of a thimble.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13That's no way to treat the elderly.
0:30:13 > 0:30:18- So you put a thimble down and no-one could pick it up.- No-one.
0:30:18 > 0:30:23And when you've got a good cleaning lady, you want to hang onto them. You don't want to mess them around!
0:30:23 > 0:30:28"I'm leaving, Mr Dee." Why? "It's all this space business with your thimbles. I don't like it."
0:30:28 > 0:30:33It might have double the mass of the sun, but it's only 15 miles across roughly.
0:30:33 > 0:30:40And the highest mountain on it is 5mm, so it is superbly round, as opposed to the earth, which...
0:30:40 > 0:30:44Although the earth is jolly round, apart from the flat bits at the top...
0:30:44 > 0:30:48The earth is jolly smooth compared to, say, a billiard ball.
0:30:48 > 0:30:52- Smoother than a ping-pong ball. - Yes, now why is that?
0:30:52 > 0:30:55I'm sorry, I did not know there would be a follow-up question.
0:30:55 > 0:30:56- Yeah! - LAUGHTER
0:30:56 > 0:31:02If you were to scale up a snooker ball to the size of the earth,
0:31:02 > 0:31:06the mountains and trenches would be HUGELY greater
0:31:06 > 0:31:09than our highest mountains or deepest trenches.
0:31:09 > 0:31:13The little pits you see when you examine a snooker ball closely,
0:31:13 > 0:31:16if scaled up to the size of the earth, would be gigantic!
0:31:16 > 0:31:19The earth is smoother than a billiard ball, which brings me round
0:31:19 > 0:31:23to a hypothetical question - what's made of jelly and lives forever?
0:31:23 > 0:31:25BICYCLE BELL TINGS
0:31:25 > 0:31:28Shark-infested custard? Wrong joke.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33- Is it a famous jelly? - Royal jelly. Bees?
0:31:33 > 0:31:36No. What lives and is made of jelly?
0:31:36 > 0:31:40- Jellyfish.- A jellyfish. What sort of jellyfish would live forever?
0:31:40 > 0:31:42- The Highlander! - An eternal jellyfish.
0:31:42 > 0:31:46An eternal, or as it is known, the immortal jellyfish.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49- The immortal jellyfish, as I was about to say.- Yes, you were.
0:31:49 > 0:31:55Turritopsis, is its proper name and the extraordinary thing about it is it doesn't die.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58What happens is after it sexes, er, after it sexes...
0:31:58 > 0:32:01I'm going to sex you!
0:32:02 > 0:32:05I'm a jellyfish and I'm going to sex you.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07After it's had sex is the normal way of saying it.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09Have sex?
0:32:09 > 0:32:12Marjorie, shall we sex?! Come on!
0:32:12 > 0:32:17- We haven't sexed for a good week. - I can't talk now, I'm sexing.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Why don't we say that? It's perfectly logical.
0:32:21 > 0:32:25- Some of us do say that! - There you are!
0:32:25 > 0:32:28But anyway, after it's sexed, it can then turn back into a child.
0:32:28 > 0:32:34Its cells change, function, the muscle cells and the sperm cells and the egg cells change back
0:32:34 > 0:32:39and it literally goes as it were back in time and just starts again. But it's the same creature.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42That would be a bit unnerving for its partner though.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45You know what I mean? You've just made love and then...
0:32:45 > 0:32:47Can we watch Grange Hill?
0:32:49 > 0:32:54Of course they do die, because they get eaten or they get diseased, but they don't die of old age.
0:32:54 > 0:32:59I'm trying to work out which of those five phases is the emo one that doesn't talk to you for weeks.
0:33:01 > 0:33:07Well, now what about human attempts to be immortal or to rejuvenate at least?
0:33:07 > 0:33:10- What was the great popular one earlier in the 20th century? - Cliff Richard?
0:33:12 > 0:33:16- True.- Being frozen. Cryogenic.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19That doesn't rejuvenate, that's just waiting until there's a cure.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21Monkey glands, royal jelly.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23What do they mean by monkey glands?
0:33:23 > 0:33:27The glands of a monkey!
0:33:27 > 0:33:31They were not really glands though, were they? They were testicles.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Have... No!
0:33:33 > 0:33:37Yes! It started as human testicles, I'm sorry to say.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39They're perfectly round...
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Get them into my thimble!
0:33:41 > 0:33:47If you were to scale them up to the size of the earth, they'd take hours to scratch.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49LAUGHTER
0:33:52 > 0:33:54Chinese farmers with rakes.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59Monkey balls.
0:33:59 > 0:34:03Monkey balls. There was a man called Serge Voronoff who was a Russian who lived in Paris...
0:34:03 > 0:34:07Whoa! Hello, ladies!
0:34:07 > 0:34:10And I'm talking about the dude in the middle.
0:34:10 > 0:34:15It started as human testicles, he would inject parts of the human testicle...
0:34:15 > 0:34:18Hang on, injecting parts of the human testicle?
0:34:18 > 0:34:21Is that what he told the ladies, was it?
0:34:21 > 0:34:24It was very popular and in fact Wolverhampton Wanderers,
0:34:24 > 0:34:28they had a striker in the late '40s called Dennis Westcott
0:34:28 > 0:34:32and the manager, the manager of Wolverhampton Wanderers,
0:34:32 > 0:34:37I like this period in English football when managers were called things like Major Frank Buckley.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40You don't get many Majors managering football teams anymore.
0:34:40 > 0:34:41Or indeed sexing.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43Or indeed sexing.
0:34:43 > 0:34:48I love the fact that you did one impersonation of me and now you can't use grammar at all.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53"Next week's QI has been cancelled.
0:34:53 > 0:34:57"Noble has infected Fry's brain."
0:34:57 > 0:34:59- "Welcome to QI! Way-hey!"- Major...
0:35:01 > 0:35:04"Get the monkey balls out, we're sexing it tonight."
0:35:05 > 0:35:08ALAN IMITATES MONKEY
0:35:08 > 0:35:16Major Frank Buckley insisted on his striker being injected with monkey testicles
0:35:16 > 0:35:21and amazingly he went on to score 38 goals in 35 games. Then...
0:35:21 > 0:35:24Then married hundreds of monkeys!
0:35:24 > 0:35:27Then the manager of Plymouth made his team
0:35:27 > 0:35:30inject themselves or be injected with monkey...
0:35:30 > 0:35:32That's got to be an interesting team talk.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35What I want you to do, lads...
0:35:38 > 0:35:41But it was, of course, bollocks in every sense.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44It was very fashionable. The search for eternal youth.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47And now, look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49It's time for General Ignorance.
0:35:49 > 0:35:54How do snakes manage when their lunch is bigger than their head?
0:35:54 > 0:35:55- HARMONY: Ring-a-ding! - Yes, Ross?
0:35:55 > 0:35:57They dislocate their jaw?
0:35:57 > 0:36:00- Oh, Ross, you were doing so well! - KLAXON
0:36:00 > 0:36:03I'm so sorry. This is a common misapprehension.
0:36:03 > 0:36:07They don't do any such thing, they just have very stretchy wide mouths.
0:36:07 > 0:36:13They have a special bone, which in mammals has become our anvil and other ear bones.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17The choice was I could either hear very well or eat something bigger than my head?
0:36:17 > 0:36:20Yes, essentially...
0:36:20 > 0:36:22Evolution!
0:36:24 > 0:36:26He can't hear you.
0:36:26 > 0:36:27But we've only got your word for it
0:36:27 > 0:36:30that that is a snake eating a mouse.
0:36:30 > 0:36:34That might be a new mouse creature that has a snake head.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37- It might! It's a lovely thought. - I'll have them points back, please.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40Doesn't it slip out or something?
0:36:40 > 0:36:42No, it's a double-jointed hinge.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45Is that what they use on snakeskin handbags?
0:36:45 > 0:36:46To get the...
0:36:46 > 0:36:50Gosh, that would be a very impressive handbag, wouldn't it?
0:36:50 > 0:36:55But sometimes they do over-reach themselves. There was a case in 2005 in the Everglades of Florida
0:36:55 > 0:36:59where a Burmese python attempted to eat a whole alligator
0:36:59 > 0:37:03and it got into it, that is an alligator inside a snake.
0:37:03 > 0:37:10But the alligator was still alive inside the snake and tore at the stomach and the python exploded.
0:37:10 > 0:37:14- So...isn't that extraordinary? - Who lived? Who survived?
0:37:14 > 0:37:18I think the alligator was probably dead as well, unfortunately by this time.
0:37:18 > 0:37:22- So not a happy ending?- There were no winners.- No, no winners.
0:37:22 > 0:37:26What, you may ask, was a Burmese python doing in the middle of Florida?
0:37:26 > 0:37:29- He was on holiday.- He was on holiday!
0:37:29 > 0:37:32- A very popular destination! - It's a popular destination!
0:37:32 > 0:37:35They're popular pets and that's the reason they're in Florida,
0:37:35 > 0:37:38because they escape and they find the swamps very similar
0:37:38 > 0:37:41to the Burmese swamp "where the python romp," as Noel Coward puts it.
0:37:41 > 0:37:46So yes, snakes don't actually dislocate their jaws to swallow.
0:37:46 > 0:37:48They just have stretchy mouths.
0:37:48 > 0:37:52What does a judge do when he wants order in his court?
0:37:52 > 0:37:54Here?
0:37:54 > 0:37:57- Yes? - BICYCLE BELL TINGS
0:37:57 > 0:37:58He bangs his gavel.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01- No! - KLAXON
0:38:02 > 0:38:06British judges have never had gavels. They do on some television programmes.
0:38:06 > 0:38:10It may be because I think props people think it looks good but they've never had them.
0:38:10 > 0:38:15Sometimes if they're conducting an auction at the same time, they do.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18But it's unlikely that's going to happen.
0:38:18 > 0:38:19Auctioneers do have gavels.
0:38:19 > 0:38:24- Judges?- Judges don't have gavels. No.- You've got one there.
0:38:24 > 0:38:28I was a judge in Kingdom and I had a gavel in that.
0:38:28 > 0:38:32- You were. Oh, did you?- I think so, yes. I seem to remember.
0:38:32 > 0:38:35- We got that wrong.- Another reason why that show was cancelled!
0:38:38 > 0:38:41British judges have never used gavels, unlike American judges.
0:38:41 > 0:38:46And finally, the notorious pirate, Blackbeard, has just given me a map.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48What does the X mark?
0:38:49 > 0:38:50The spot.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53- KLAXON - No!
0:38:53 > 0:38:59If anything, I suppose, it may well be a signature because he probably can't write.
0:38:59 > 0:39:04Most pirates couldn't. The fact is, there is no case in history that anyone knows of
0:39:04 > 0:39:08of pirates burying treasure and drawing maps with X on.
0:39:08 > 0:39:11- It all comes from...- Treasure Island.- By Robert Louis Stevenson.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14Why would a pirate want to bury treasure?
0:39:14 > 0:39:17To stop the other pirates getting it!
0:39:17 > 0:39:20- But you want to spend it.- They can hardly go to Bradford And Bingley!
0:39:20 > 0:39:24IMITATES PIRATE: "Hello, we've got a chest full of dubloons and booty."
0:39:24 > 0:39:27Yes, would you like fixed term or extended interest?
0:39:27 > 0:39:33Oh, God! I went to Bradford And Bingley and got stuck behind a bloody pirate!
0:39:33 > 0:39:36I was there my whole lunch hour.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38I've got 20 Portuguese whores!
0:39:38 > 0:39:41That's why they brought in those pens on chains -
0:39:41 > 0:39:44they couldn't get it with a hook. They'd be like that.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47So they just hook a pen and it would go like that
0:39:47 > 0:39:49and then you just do this.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51LAUGHTER
0:39:51 > 0:39:53There are a lot of myths about pirates.
0:39:53 > 0:39:57Look at that man's face! It's the colour of a strawberry! That's incredible!
0:39:57 > 0:39:58You know who that is?
0:39:58 > 0:40:00- No, I don't.- It's Robert, erm... - Newton.- Yeah.
0:40:00 > 0:40:05Who really invented pirate speak, that, "Ooh arr, Jim lad!"
0:40:05 > 0:40:06That's Robert Newton.
0:40:06 > 0:40:11In fact, Tony Hancock's career started as a Robert Newton impersonator.
0:40:11 > 0:40:12That's what Tony Hancock did.
0:40:12 > 0:40:17That was his act. There's an international talk-like-a-pirate day in September.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19- Somalian.- Somalian, yes!
0:40:19 > 0:40:21LAUGHTER
0:40:23 > 0:40:27I met a kid from Somalia. He came up alongside me on his pushbike.
0:40:27 > 0:40:31He said, "You is on TV, innit? You is on TV, innit?"
0:40:31 > 0:40:33I said, "Yes, yes. Nice to see you."
0:40:33 > 0:40:37"Don't walk away, don't walk away. You've got to help me get into TV."
0:40:37 > 0:40:39I said, "OK, well..." "How do I get in?"
0:40:39 > 0:40:43I said, "Well, join your local drama group..." I don't know what I said!
0:40:43 > 0:40:47He goes, "I'm Somalian, but I can do Eritrean."
0:40:47 > 0:40:50- LAUGHTER - That's fantastic!
0:40:52 > 0:40:55There may be a demand for that somewhere.
0:40:55 > 0:40:59I said, "I'll see what I can do. I'll speak to the producers of Jonathan Creek."
0:40:59 > 0:41:01On that bombshell,
0:41:01 > 0:41:05pirates very rarely buried treasure. They preferred to spend it.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08They never used a map with an X to help them locate it. That's it!
0:41:08 > 0:41:11We've hobbled our way through higgledy-piggledy hodgepodge
0:41:11 > 0:41:14and all that remains is the humiliation of the final scores.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16My goodness, my gracious, my knee.
0:41:16 > 0:41:22Holding his head high this week with a staggering plus 2 points is Jack Dee!
0:41:22 > 0:41:24Yes.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26APPLAUSE
0:41:28 > 0:41:30And...
0:41:30 > 0:41:35holding his own in second place, a very creditable entry into the QI stakes
0:41:35 > 0:41:38is our newcomer Ross Noble with -6.
0:41:38 > 0:41:40APPLAUSE
0:41:44 > 0:41:50Oh, what a triumph here because holding out the hope of greater things, it's Alan on -8.
0:41:50 > 0:41:51Well done.
0:41:53 > 0:41:55Which means sadly...
0:41:55 > 0:42:01hanging his head in shame on -10, is Phill Jupitus.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03APPLAUSE
0:42:09 > 0:42:12That's all from this heterogeneous edition of QI,
0:42:12 > 0:42:15so it's good night from Jack, Phill, Ross, Alan and me.
0:42:15 > 0:42:18And I leave you with this - good night.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20APPLAUSE
0:42:37 > 0:42:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:42:40 > 0:42:43E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk