0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:36Well, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39God rest ye, merry ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:39 > 0:00:41and welcome to QI's Christmas party.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44To celebrate this most magical time of the year,
0:00:44 > 0:00:49we've conjured up a show absolutely heaving with hocus-pocus.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Waving their fairy wands tonight are the bewitching
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Graham Norton.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:03The mysterious Lee Mack.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:09 > 0:01:12The wizardly Daniel Radcliffe!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:18 > 0:01:22And of course, my glamorous assistant, Alan Davies.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:29 > 0:01:32So, release your incantations, gentlemen.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Graham goes...
0:01:33 > 0:01:35'Hey presto!'
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Very nice. Lee goes...
0:01:38 > 0:01:41'Abracadabra!'
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Daniel goes...
0:01:42 > 0:01:44'Expelliarmus.'
0:01:44 > 0:01:45LAUGHTER
0:01:45 > 0:01:46And Alan goes...
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- CHILD'S VOICE:- 'Please!' - LAUGHTER
0:01:49 > 0:01:52That was the magic word, wasn't it?
0:01:52 > 0:01:57So, izzy wizzy, let's get busy with our first question. What is the oldest trick in the book?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- LEE: Can we take these off now? - You can, if you're hot.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Otherwise, I'll have a sudden desire to sort out my pension.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07So, what is the oldest trick in the book?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09'Abracadabra!'
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Debbie McGee.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12GROANING
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Shame on you, Lee Mack!
0:02:18 > 0:02:20It's Christmas as well, isn't it?
0:02:20 > 0:02:24- It is, yeah. Was that charitable? - Not really, I take that back.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- OK.- Is it an ancient Greek book? - Even older.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Ooh - Egyptian? >
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- Egyptian is right.- I think I might...- You might know this?!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Is it about a man called Dedi?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Dedi. How do you know about Dedi? You're right.
0:02:36 > 0:02:41He was a man who did the first magic trick, which was, I think,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- the decapitation of a goose. - You're right.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48And...tore it off and did it to impress the king,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51and it's in an ancient scroll.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- It is!- Which I do know the name of, I think I do.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- Go on.- The Westcar Papyrus?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58The Westcar Papyrus. This man is brilliant.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - How incredible!
0:03:01 > 0:03:08I mean, I should say I have had...
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Yes, there is a certain amount of...
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- They teach this at Hogwarts? - Absolutely.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- I don't want you to think...- This is going to be a very short show!
0:03:16 > 0:03:21Next question! I'm not about the jokes. It's all about points for me.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- All about points.- I'm here to win.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26I like that when you got cast as Harry Potter, they give you a crash course
0:03:26 > 0:03:31in as much wizardry as they possibly can, then you just topped it off with a bit of acting.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33That's pretty much it.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36What part of pulling a goose's head off is a trick?
0:03:36 > 0:03:41- Yes! And then restored it. - That's the point. That's the point.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Oh, the old "two geese in my bag" trick?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47It was very...
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Do you do geese every week?
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- He did it for King Cheops in 2,600 BC.- Cheops, of course(!)
0:03:53 > 0:03:55The Great Pyramid of Giza was the Cheops.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59I can imagine King Cheops going, "Seen it."
0:03:59 > 0:04:02He did a goose, a duck, then he moved on to an ox,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05and he would wrench their heads off and then they would be restored.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09You may say, "I want to see this trick, if it existed." That's the point,
0:04:09 > 0:04:13because it is the oldest trick in the book, it's recorded then, all that time ago,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15nearly 5,000 years ago,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18but it's still done today. And do you know what?
0:04:18 > 0:04:22We have a magician who's going to come on and show you that trick.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23All right?
0:04:23 > 0:04:28So... But first - ladies and gentlemen, it's Christmas time - we have to summon him.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32His name is Scott, so let's say, "Accio Scott," all right?
0:04:32 > 0:04:37It was all so mystical until then. "His name is...Scott!"
0:04:38 > 0:04:42It's Scott Penrose. He's the vice president of the Magic Circle.
0:04:42 > 0:04:48- So, after three, two, one, we go, "Accio Scott." Three, two, one... - ALL: Accio Scott!
0:04:51 > 0:04:52- Whoa! - Oh, my God!
0:04:53 > 0:04:55He wasn't there and then he was there. What happened?!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58It's magic, Lee, isn't it wonderful? Scott, welcome.
0:04:58 > 0:05:05- Lovely to see you, sir.- So, I believe you can do the Dedi trick that Dan told us about?- Indeed.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Would you like to do it, please, with...?- I'll give it a go with Norman.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Just give it a bit of a pull...
0:05:10 > 0:05:11LEE: No, no, no! Argh!
0:05:11 > 0:05:14There we go, just pop his head back on.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- There he goes.- Brilliant.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Fabulous. The sensational Scott Penrose, ladies and gentlemen.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:28 > 0:05:30There you are.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33The oldest trick in the book.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36The other thing, I think, about that trick,
0:05:36 > 0:05:40is that it's the first time a trick was done that was purely a trick
0:05:40 > 0:05:44and that wasn't done as, you know, some supernatural powers involved.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47That was the first thing that was written down as a trick.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I can do the first half of it.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51LAUGHTER
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- It's really tricky, the second half. I practise, I practise, but... - Just won't go back on?
0:05:55 > 0:06:01Won't go back on at all. There's blood everywhere and my wife's screaming. Children are running out
0:06:01 > 0:06:05- the house, "Where's our budgie?" It's horrible.- But was it a trick? So... But...
0:06:05 > 0:06:08That was really the very first trick ever?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10That we know of. It's written down.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Surely someone did "Pull my finger" before that?!
0:06:14 > 0:06:19Maybe. The oldest trick in the book involved pulling the heads off Egyptian animals.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23So, what might go wrong if you tried to catch a bullet in your teeth?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I say! Is that you, Lee?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28That's a good-looking lad, whoever that is.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32- 'Abracadabra!'- Is the danger that you will end up
0:06:32 > 0:06:35turning into one of Britain's top light entertainers?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39So charming.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Something about your teeth getting knocked out?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Well, there is that danger, I would imagine. How does it work?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Do you think someone fires a gun into your face?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49No, but if you don't open your mouth properly,
0:06:49 > 0:06:53then the bullet would break your teeth from the other side?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55It's secreted in the mouth, in some fashion.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58There are other dangers and there have been disasters.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02In 1869, Dr Epstein, who was a magician,
0:07:02 > 0:07:06he used to tamp the gun down with his wand in this magical fashion,
0:07:06 > 0:07:09and he left a tiny bit of wand in. So he had the bullet in his mouth
0:07:09 > 0:07:11and when his assistant fired the gun,
0:07:11 > 0:07:13a bit of the wand went out and killed him.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- So that can happen.- It must have been amazing being in the audience.
0:07:17 > 0:07:23"God, this is good! What's going to happen now?! There's blood spurting from the back of his neck."
0:07:23 > 0:07:28There was a man called Raoul Curran, in 1880, made the mistake of doing the trick in the Wild West.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32A drunk fellow said, "If you can stop a bullet, stop this one"...
0:07:32 > 0:07:34and just shot him in the head...
0:07:35 > 0:07:38..right in the forehead, and killed him - stone dead.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Sort of serves him right, though. - Yeah, it's a heck of a heckle.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43It's a rubbish trick, isn't it?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Everyone who watches it must go, "Bullet was in his mouth."
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- Well...- There's not one bit where you go, "I wonder if he caught the bullet?"
0:07:50 > 0:07:55- There are some amazing ones, though, like Penn and Teller do a really... - Yes.- It's frightening.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58They get the bullet from the audience and, I know it's a trick, but...
0:07:58 > 0:08:02You are right. And Penn and Teller are amongst the best.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04There was a bloke who disembowelled himself.
0:08:04 > 0:08:11Quite early on, in days of conjuring tricks, they were all fairly gruesome things, like beheading.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15The way it would work was you would have, kind of, a sheep's intestines
0:08:15 > 0:08:21and a prosthetic chest and stomach. And then behind all of that, you'd put a metal plate
0:08:21 > 0:08:26- and the guy did it one night and he forgot to put the metal plate on.- Oh!
0:08:26 > 0:08:31So he ended up going straight through himself and then dying. So, not funny, but true.
0:08:31 > 0:08:36- Well, that's important. - He'll never make that mistake again.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41No, he won't. There was a Chinese performer called Chung Ling So -
0:08:41 > 0:08:45he wasn't Chinese, his real name was Robinson, William Robinson -
0:08:45 > 0:08:48but he performed under Chung Ling Soo and only spoke
0:08:48 > 0:08:51a sort of cod Chinese, never spoke English on stage, ever -
0:08:51 > 0:08:57until a terrible moment, when he did the trick with the bullet.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01The bullet, or fragment, went into him and killed him, and he spoke English.
0:09:01 > 0:09:07He said, "Oh, God, something's gone wrong. Close the curtains." Those were his last lines.
0:09:07 > 0:09:12Do you reckon there's a real magician called Chung Ling Soo in China that goes under the name of Bob Robinson?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14And he'll only speak cod English!
0:09:14 > 0:09:20LANCASHIRE ACCENT: Pick a card, any card you like. Pick a card.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22HE PRETENDS TO SPEAK IN CHINESE
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Oooh!
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- That's when it went wrong, yeah? - Exactly. I've got you.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30If you are tempted to catch a bullet in your teeth, don't.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34You should, in fact, just probably disappear as fast as possible.
0:09:34 > 0:09:40First, describe the Great Lafayette's last and greatest disappearing act.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- There is the Great Lafayette. You've probably not heard of him.- No.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Even though he was the most successful entertainer in Britain.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53Did he make his giant horse disappear?
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- Turn it into a dog?- A lazy dog. - Is that a motor vehicle or...?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59It's an early motor vehicle, yes.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02He was sold out ten years in advance, that's how successful he was.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05He earned £44,000 a year, which is the equivalent
0:10:05 > 0:10:09of about two-and-three-quarter million pounds a year. He was hugely successful.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14Incredibly famous. He was kind of the Liberace of his day. He wore diamonds,
0:10:14 > 0:10:17and that dog you see was given to him by Houdini and was called Beauty.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21He had a private railway carriage and so did Beauty,
0:10:21 > 0:10:26and Beauty had a little porcelain bath and his own china and crystal.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Yeah, a bit camp, I agree.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Then Beauty died, not surprisingly, from being overfed,
0:10:31 > 0:10:36and he insisted that he was embalmed and buried and they said at the cemetery,
0:10:36 > 0:10:41"Well, only if you promise to be buried there as well." It's a human cemetery not a pet one.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44So he said yes. And four days later he did die.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49A lamp got upturned and the stage caught on fire - the audience thought it was part of the trick.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52By the time they realised, 11 people had burnt to death.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57Including... This, incidentally, is NOT funny,
0:10:57 > 0:10:59a midget in a mechanical bear suit.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01LAUGHTER
0:11:01 > 0:11:04I'm sure I prefaced that with, "It isn't funny."
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- What's wrong with you people? You're sick!- They are sick.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Anyway, they found his body, cremated it,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15the bits that weren't already cremated, obviously.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19They pulled the theatre down where this had happened and they found another body.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24They realised from the diamonds on the ring that that was in fact the Great Lafayette.
0:11:24 > 0:11:30- They buried the wrong man?- Yeah. So he'd been burnt and buried and he'd been magically restored
0:11:30 > 0:11:32as another dead body.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33- That's very, very good.- It is good!
0:11:33 > 0:11:37- It's a good trick.- Very good. - What did they do? Did they...?
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- They had to get rid of the old one...- It's Beauty I feel sorry for.- Yeah, I know.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44In the afterlife going, "Who are you?!"
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Anyway, yes, you can go to Piershill Cemetery to this day and you can see the Great Lafayette,
0:11:48 > 0:11:52who was - now sadly forgotten - but in his day, the most popular performer.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56I'm more saddened about the poor other guy. What happened to him?
0:11:56 > 0:12:01The reason is, part of his magic thing was he would appear and disappear very quickly,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04cos he had a lot of stand-ins, doubles who were exactly like him.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08He would go off stage and then suddenly still be on stage.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12It's cos his stand-in in the same costume had gone on. He was very good at that,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15which is why one of the stand-ins had been buried instead I suppose.
0:12:15 > 0:12:20So the Great Lafayette's final trick was to turn up intact three days after being cremated.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Now, from testing spells - you'll like this - to spelling tests.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26ALL GROAN
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- Yes. "I before E..." Fingers on buzzers. "..except after...?" - 'Please!'
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- C.- Oh!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34KLAXON SOUNDS
0:12:34 > 0:12:37No, that just isn't a rule, and why isn't it a rule?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Because of...
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Because of words where... - Where it's not!
0:12:42 > 0:12:48- E comes before I after C.- There are more exceptions to the rule than the rule itself, by quite a long way.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- Who's counted that? - "Ceiling"! - They've been counted.- "Ceiling".
0:12:51 > 0:12:55There are 923 English words
0:12:55 > 0:12:59that have a C-I-E in them...
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- Do we have to name them all?- No. You're let off.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Name some.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- "Ceiling".- No, that's C-E-I.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08LAUGHTER
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- C-E-I, that's what you said! - No. No, the supposed rule is...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- ALAN:- "I before E, except after C."
0:13:15 > 0:13:20- But I'm saying, in fact, there are 923 which break that rule. - "Receive", "receipt"...
0:13:20 > 0:13:22So if it's, "I before E except after C,"
0:13:22 > 0:13:26- we're looking for words where E follows C, aren't we?- No.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31No, the rule is it should be C-E-I, according to that.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Oh, you're saying it's wrong.
0:13:33 > 0:13:38- There are 923...- I know one which it isn't. "Ceiling", that's not one.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- "Ceiling" isn't one.- No!
0:13:40 > 0:13:45- "Ceiling" isn't one of the ones you're looking for.- Yes. I want the ones I am looking for.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50- Not "ceiling".- Lee, I'm looking for the ones I'm looking for, so give me a C-I-E.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52"Ceiling"?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Oh, God. I may explode at any minute.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56C-I-E, um...
0:13:56 > 0:14:00- "Receipt"...- Those are the ones that conform to the rule.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- OK, the rule is looking pretty good. - "Glacier".
0:14:03 > 0:14:05"Species".
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Yes, but now I know them and I didn't think I knew any.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10The point is, there are lots.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14These are ones with E-I, without the C in front, obviously,
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- as well as the C-I-E... - You don't even have to have a C now?
0:14:17 > 0:14:21No! They're E-I! Are you incapable of rational thought?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Are you...? You cannot be that stupid! You cannot be that...
0:14:27 > 0:14:33- Nobody...- Stephen, can I just say, you really are going to have to work on your Bruce Forsyth patter.
0:14:33 > 0:14:39- "Are you really capable of rational thought? I mean, really."- This is not The Generation Game. This is QI.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- "Are you a human being? I don't think you are."- Work it out.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47These words don't count, they're not even English words - "hacienda" and "concierge".
0:14:47 > 0:14:49The point is, there are 21 times as many words
0:14:49 > 0:14:54- that break the rule than don't. - However, if you want to spell "ceiling"...
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- If you want to spell "ceiling"... - Or "receipt".- ..or "conceit" or "deceit".
0:14:58 > 0:15:03- I before E except after C. - Yeah, but if you want to spell "veil" and "weird"...
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Yeah, but there's no C in those.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07No.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09It's "I before E" - every time - "except after C"
0:15:09 > 0:15:14- but in "weir"... That's the point. - Oh, I see!- God!
0:15:14 > 0:15:17APPLAUSE
0:15:17 > 0:15:19You cannot be that stupid!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21He said it and you're looking at me!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24How do I get the blame for his stupidity?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I've got my own, thank you.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Wow!
0:15:28 > 0:15:33- Daniel, you're the only person on this show who isn't a complete idiot.- No!
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- It's become clear.- I assure you, I am. That's why I'm keeping so quiet.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39- Anyway, "ceiling" begins with S(!)
0:15:39 > 0:15:44That's why I'm keeping quiet - I'm actually on Lee's wavelength, but I don't want to get a bollocking.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- Oh, I'm sorry.- He's got I before E. Is that right? Oh, God.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53- Who?- Daniel.- That is how you spell my name.- How do you spell...? - Because it should be I before E!
0:15:53 > 0:15:57You can't... Can we count proper nouns?
0:15:57 > 0:16:01What about my surname, am I spelling that right? There's an I and an E in that.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- It's I before E always.- Yeah, always.- According to the rule.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- But the rule's wrong, Stephen.- It is.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10It's now officially no longer taught in schools because it is so clear.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- Really? Is it not at all?- It's not.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17So the rule now is, "It's I before E or sometimes it's E before I."
0:16:17 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:23- Mostly after a C, it's I-E.- If in doubt, look it up, you lazy git.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26"I before E, except for the following 923."
0:16:26 > 0:16:31- And then you reel them all off. - Thank God for spell-check.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Number one, "ceiling"...
0:16:33 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I am...
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Number two, "red ceiling".
0:16:39 > 0:16:42"Blue ceiling". Help me, lads, I'm running out of colours.
0:16:42 > 0:16:48I am slightly shocked by my intolerance, and you'll have to forgive me,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50but I think we've got it. The spelling trick "I before E"
0:16:50 > 0:16:54is wrong on so many occasions schools have stopped teaching it.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57That's enough lessons, it's play-time, you'll be pleased to know.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- I'm very pleased! - Good. In which game is it the aim
0:17:01 > 0:17:06to throw a ball like this into a goal like this?
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Quidditch!
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Ah.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12- KLAXON - I thought it had to be cos he's here!
0:17:12 > 0:17:18- No, this is from a genuine, real-life world sport.- Aztecs.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20No, but... It is...
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Mexicans.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Are we looking for a nationality or a game name?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- It's a French game, and rather recent. 1970, it was invented.- Oh!
0:17:27 > 0:17:29It's very similar to Quidditch.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34It has a goal almost identical to a Quidditch goal. In Quidditch,
0:17:34 > 0:17:35what do you travel on?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- A broomstick.- A broomstick. This is...- But that is
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- special effects, though, isn't it? - Yeah. And very painful.- Painful?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Can I just say, this is a bit unfair that my questions are,
0:17:44 > 0:17:51"What is I before E except after C?," and his questions are, "How do you fly around in Quidditch?"
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- No, that was just simply me asking him.- I'm not getting points for this!
0:17:55 > 0:17:56No, no, he's not.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00What's kind of odd is that, if you catch the Snitch, which is the ball in the films,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- you win automatically.- Yeah.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03That team wins.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07It doesn't matter how many points you score with the other ball.
0:18:07 > 0:18:12- It does seem unsatisfactory in that respect.- It's almost like it's not FIFA-regulated, isn't it?!
0:18:12 > 0:18:15And also, how far you can go away from where you're playing.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- I'd not thought of that. - That annoys me, personally.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Why have a pitch?
0:18:19 > 0:18:25Just to return to this one, this is called horseball, and it's played not on broomsticks, but on...?
0:18:25 > 0:18:26- Horses.- Horses!
0:18:26 > 0:18:30And we have some footage of it being played. There it is.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34- So it's like a sort of polo, only in the air.- Look how popular it is! Look at the crowd!
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- And there you are, through there. That's a goal.- Wow.
0:18:40 > 0:18:45That would be only interesting if only the horses were allowed to catch.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48But that's actually closely related to
0:18:48 > 0:18:51a game called pato. Pato being the Spanish for...?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Duck.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Instead of having a ball, they would have a basket with a live duck in it!
0:18:57 > 0:19:02And they would throw it, and it became the national game of Argentina under Juan Peron in 1953.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06- He declared it the national game, over football.- I love the idea that,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09after the Hand of God, they said, "Look, let's just make this a sport."
0:19:09 > 0:19:13- But what about Quidditch? Does anybody really play Quidditch? - Yes, they do.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- Various American universities have now got Quidditch clubs.- Hundreds.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Hundreds of them, yeah.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23It's a lot less exciting than in the films.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27They're running round with a broom between their legs?
0:19:27 > 0:19:31And catching and... Yeah, it's... It's great if you're in it, I'm sure.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34If you're in the sweeper position!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37It's called Muggle Quidditch,
0:19:37 > 0:19:42not surprisingly, because they can't fly, and there are over 200 college teams in America.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Do they play each other?
0:19:43 > 0:19:48So, horseball has similar rules to Quidditch, but the players ride on horses instead of broomsticks.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53Which of these would you rather have on your Quidditch team? A Muggle, Hagrid, or Dumbledore?
0:19:53 > 0:19:58Is it the one that looks like Julius Caesar about to be sick in a bucket?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I don't know which one that is.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02On the left.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Oh, I see. Yes, he does!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- I think that's...Dudley, is it?- Yes.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10The point is, in a lot of JK Rowling's work, the words are real,
0:20:10 > 0:20:15and "dumbledore" is a real English word, as is "hagrid", as is "muggle".
0:20:15 > 0:20:17And I want you to tell me what they really mean.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Dumbledore has got to be some sort of a term for village idiot.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Funnily enough, yes, it became that.
0:20:22 > 0:20:27In Thomas Hardy's Under The Greenwood Tree, it means a slow simpleton. It's used that way.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29But actually, it has an earlier meaning.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Is there a hagrid reference in one of the Thomas Hardy books as well?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- There may well be. - One of them, I don't know which.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- I'm sure...- The longer form, hagridden, I've seen many times,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- but start with...- Monster-like. - Start with "muggle".
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Do you know where the word "muggle" might have been used?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Sounds like some sort of woodland creature or something furry.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Actually, it's an American jazz-age word. It's a drug.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Marijuana? - Marijuana is the right answer.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00It was a word for marijuana, for cannabis, and more particularly for people who smoked it.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05- People who smoked marijuana were called muggles.- Hilarious!
0:21:05 > 0:21:10In New Orleans, they're all getting stoned, going, "Quidditch is really boring!"
0:21:14 > 0:21:17In New Orleans, 1920s, that was it.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18What's the next word?
0:21:18 > 0:21:22We've got "hagrid", which is used in Hardy, the Mayor Of Casterbridge.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- GRAHAM:- I've seen it in the longer form, hagridden!- Yes, hagridden!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- LAUGHTER - Very good - clever of you!
0:21:29 > 0:21:32It means... Hagridden...
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Oh, it means a bony old horse...
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- It's a MARE.- It's a nightmare.
0:21:39 > 0:21:44- Yes!- It's a nightmare involving a horse... No?
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Is it something to do with somebody placing through...?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51If you had bad dreams, you were said to be hagridden.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- Ah, that's great.- Witches would come to you in the night. - That's fantastic.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59- What's happened to her?!- Is that a drunk person not finding the toilet?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Since records began...
0:22:02 > 0:22:03That's horrible.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09They'll feel terrible when they wake up!
0:22:09 > 0:22:14That's the relationship that's not going to survive, isn't it?!
0:22:14 > 0:22:16When people sleep badly these days,
0:22:16 > 0:22:20they think they've been probed by aliens,
0:22:20 > 0:22:24but before the idea of aliens came, it was goblins and witches and demons, and hags.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27And that's what hagridden means.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31- What's the horse doing? - That's the night-MARE.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- He's operating the video. - LAUGHTER
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- ALAN:- Early sort of animal dogging.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38- Very good.- With his big hooves!
0:22:38 > 0:22:44So that leaves us with "dumbledore", which, as you say, has been used to mean a simpleton.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46There's the great Gambon.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50But it had an earlier meaning. The first half of it.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- Dumble.- Think of a rhyming word for "dumble".
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- Jumble.- Jumble, mumble, crumble...
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- Not mumble.- Ceiling! LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- Don't try me too hard, Lee Mack.- Stumble.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- No, you're...- Bumble.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- Yes.- Bumblebee. A type of bee!
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- It is a bumblebee. - I've redeemed myself.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12There were different ways of saying it. A dore means a humming insect in old English.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15A dumbledore means a bumblebee.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- That's great.- Isn't it? Pleasing. - I can't believe I didn't know it.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I'm really annoyed. I've missed out on precious points.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- LAUGHTER - You got some points, from knowing it was in Hardy.- I'm pleased.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Yeah.
0:23:28 > 0:23:33But how did Hogwarts tackle drinking problems?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- Is that a character, Drinking Problems?- No!
0:23:35 > 0:23:39Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Special Brew!
0:23:39 > 0:23:43LAUGHTER
0:23:44 > 0:23:48- The word existed before the book, then.- Yes.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53When the hog finds that the creek's run dry, there's nowhere to drink...
0:23:53 > 0:23:56No, it's drinking problems of an alcoholic sort.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- GRAHAM:- It's sailors.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Yes, it is. In the US Navy.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Very good. They came straight to your mind, didn't they?!
0:24:04 > 0:24:08I just thought, "Who drinks? Who drinks?" Sailors!
0:24:08 > 0:24:13This isn't fair! He's getting questions about Quidditch, he's getting questions about sailors!
0:24:14 > 0:24:18And a particular branch of the US Navy - submariners.
0:24:18 > 0:24:24Now, torpedoes, right, used to run on ethyl alcohol.
0:24:24 > 0:24:29That was their fuel. Since 1914, the US Navy have been dry, you're not allowed to drink.
0:24:29 > 0:24:36On board, they had 180% proof alcohol. So, how to stop them drinking it?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- Well...- Putting it in...
0:24:38 > 0:24:41It would kill you unless you add tonic, I think.
0:24:41 > 0:24:46It wouldn't kill you. They had plenty of juices they could add to it, and they did.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Delicious, then!
0:24:47 > 0:24:52No, that's the point. You wanted to stop it being delicious, or make it dangerous for them.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Putting it inside a torpedo would go some way...
0:24:55 > 0:24:58It had to be stored as fuel, and it could be got at,
0:24:58 > 0:25:01so what you do is add something. They started by adding methanol,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04known as pink lady, which makes you blind.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07They said, "If you drink this, you will go blind."
0:25:07 > 0:25:11We've all been told things like that. It didn't stop us!
0:25:11 > 0:25:12That's the problem!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:16 > 0:25:18That's exactly the problem.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Anyway, it didn't work, so they added...?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Something called croton oil,
0:25:22 > 0:25:26which came from the spurge plant, known as the hogwart.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29So they added hogwart's juice.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32And that made you vomit and gave you diarrhoea.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36But that didn't work either, because they boiled it up,
0:25:36 > 0:25:40and it condensed off again, and they would carry on drinking it.
0:25:40 > 0:25:45- They added pineapple juice. - And also, regular alcohol makes you vomit...
0:25:45 > 0:25:47That's a night out, isn't it?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49That's probably true.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53But that was the role that hogwarts played, anyway.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57JK Rowling, in interviews, when it was pointed out that there was such a thing as hogwart,
0:25:57 > 0:26:02said that she thought she'd made it up herself, but that maybe she'd been to Kew Gardens
0:26:02 > 0:26:06and seen it and it just registers in the back of your mind, as these things often do.
0:26:06 > 0:26:13I have visions of JK Rowling with a bottle of meths - "I made it up, and if anyone says different..."
0:26:13 > 0:26:19- Roh-ling. - What did I say?- Row-ling. - W before O, except after R.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Like "bowling", not like "howling". It could be either, you're right.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm not picking on you, Lee. I love you deeply.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- LEE LAUGHS - Sorry, mustn't overdo it.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35If you were, it would be the most middle-class way of picking on anyone!
0:26:35 > 0:26:39"I think you'll find it's Roh-ling, like "bowling"!"
0:26:42 > 0:26:43"Stop the bully!"
0:26:45 > 0:26:49During the war, American sailors used to drink torpedo fuel cocktails,
0:26:49 > 0:26:52though the Navy tried to stop them by adding hogwart oil.
0:26:52 > 0:26:58Now, here's a Harry question. Why does the Domesday Book contain so many empty villages in Yorkshire?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00'Expelliarmus!'
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Is it...the Harrowing of the North?
0:27:04 > 0:27:09- The Harrying of the North.- Ah, right, OK. My understanding of it is that there was basically...
0:27:09 > 0:27:15In the city of York, there was an uprising against the Norman troops that were there,
0:27:15 > 0:27:22and then, basically, all the people in the city realised
0:27:22 > 0:27:25that they were vastly outnumbering the soldiers.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27He's right, you're doing well!
0:27:27 > 0:27:31But then there was a decree sent by the King after this uprising,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34and everything was burnt from 100 miles.
0:27:34 > 0:27:40You got the salient points, yes. William the Bastard, as he was known, William the Conqueror.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43What's the matter?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Don't be put off by a young person knowing more than you, Alan.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50- You must be used to it by now. - I'm just mucking about, sir, sorry.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54- So what did he say, what is it? - I wasn't listening!
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- LAUGHTER - Oh, you're in trouble!
0:27:57 > 0:28:03- The Harrying... - We weren't concentrating. We were thinking about ten-pin "bow-ling".
0:28:05 > 0:28:10Well...the Harrowing of the North, for those at the back,
0:28:10 > 0:28:14was the worst example of genocide...
0:28:15 > 0:28:20G-E-N-O-C-I-D-E. Oh, you're in trouble!
0:28:20 > 0:28:24As it's Christmas, I'm going to be very lenient.
0:28:24 > 0:28:29It was actually our worst-ever act of genocide...
0:28:29 > 0:28:31LAUGHTER
0:28:35 > 0:28:37You see?
0:28:37 > 0:28:41- I've done tits! - Yes, tits... Fabulous(!)
0:28:41 > 0:28:42I've done tits!
0:28:42 > 0:28:46- Sorry, what about this...? - It's Mack, sir. He made me do it.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48- People from the north were ruthlessly killed.- Oh.
0:28:48 > 0:28:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:57 > 0:29:00You say ruthlessly - with a war-cry of,
0:29:00 > 0:29:03"It's Rowling as in bowling! Off with his head!"
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Yes, exactly.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09They killed them, sir? They killed them in the north?
0:29:09 > 0:29:14They killed them. The Normans slaughtered one in ten of everyone in the north, 100,000 people.
0:29:14 > 0:29:18And those that survived mostly died of starvation or lived in...
0:29:18 > 0:29:22- But little did they know how good we were at breeding!- Yes!
0:29:22 > 0:29:26But it took decades. It really was laid absolutely waste.
0:29:26 > 0:29:30The Harrying of the North. It sounds gentle, "I'll give him a harrying,"
0:29:30 > 0:29:32but it was vile. That's Harrying,
0:29:32 > 0:29:38But what about Pottering? What creature was the subject of Beatrix Potter's first work?
0:29:38 > 0:29:40I bet it's not Peter Rabbit.
0:29:40 > 0:29:41Is the right answer!
0:29:41 > 0:29:43LEE: Thank God you stopped me!
0:29:45 > 0:29:47Would you have said rabbit?
0:29:47 > 0:29:49I'd have said, "Is it not Peter Rabbit?"
0:29:49 > 0:29:52- No...- I would have said rabbit, yes.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55No, her first work was not a children's book.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58Wasn't it the book that they based the film Boogie Nights on?
0:30:02 > 0:30:08It'd be so lovely if I were to say, "Yes! And that's 100 points! How extraordinary you should know that!"
0:30:08 > 0:30:11"Rollergirl was based on Beatrix Potter's mother!"
0:30:11 > 0:30:15No, it was a serious work of botanical -
0:30:15 > 0:30:18as it was then called, it's now mycological - study.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20What is mycology? Does that mean anything to you?
0:30:20 > 0:30:24The study of people called Mike.
0:30:24 > 0:30:30- That would be interesting in its way. No, it's fungus.- Fungus.
0:30:30 > 0:30:31Why did the mushroom go to the party?
0:30:31 > 0:30:35Because he was a fun-gi to be with! Yeah.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38- Ah!- Anyway,
0:30:38 > 0:30:39yeah, that's what she did.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43She wrote a book, it was presented by her uncle to the Linnean Society
0:30:43 > 0:30:46- in the 1890s. Why by her uncle? Why not by her?- Because she was a woman.
0:30:46 > 0:30:51- I'm afraid that's the case. It took them 100 years to apologise for the slight.- And also,
0:30:51 > 0:30:55she was a mushroom expert - who wants to meet her?!
0:30:55 > 0:31:00- Well...!- You know what I mean! It was like, "Yeah, talk to Beatrix, she's great on mushrooms..."
0:31:00 > 0:31:02She couldn't even do the joke, could she?
0:31:02 > 0:31:05- She couldn't even say, "But I'm a fun-gi to be with."- No.
0:31:05 > 0:31:10But she did then write a story for the son of a former nanny about Peter Rabbit,
0:31:10 > 0:31:14and it started with the words, "Once upon a time,
0:31:14 > 0:31:16"there were four rabbits, called..."?
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Flipsy, Bipsy, Dopsy and Flopsy, or something.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Close, but not... Flopsy, Mopsy,
0:31:20 > 0:31:22Cottontail and...?
0:31:22 > 0:31:24- AUDIENCE: Peter.- They know.
0:31:24 > 0:31:28- Exactly.- She wrote that after she's had a massive bag of magic mushrooms!
0:31:30 > 0:31:33And she did the illustrations, and the recipient said,
0:31:33 > 0:31:36"You should publish them." She did, and became a gigantic success.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39- Mr McGregor! Agh! - In 1903, Peter Rabbit was
0:31:39 > 0:31:43- the first merchandised licensed toy ever.- DANIEL: Wow!
0:31:43 > 0:31:46Is it fair to say it outsold her mushroom book?
0:31:46 > 0:31:47It did! It so did, yeah!
0:31:47 > 0:31:51Very fair to say. But she lived in central London,
0:31:51 > 0:31:55and if you go to Brompton Cemetery, in fashionable west London,
0:31:55 > 0:32:00- do you know what you see on the gravestones there? - Massive rabbit.- No.
0:32:00 > 0:32:01- GRAHAM:- Mushrooms!
0:32:01 > 0:32:05You see the inspiration for some of her greatest works. It's quite fun...
0:32:05 > 0:32:07- Jemima Puddle-Duck. - Not that, but there's...
0:32:07 > 0:32:10- Big bag of crack. - Peter Rabbett, there's...
0:32:10 > 0:32:13There's a grave for a Peter Rabbett, spelled B-B-E-T-T,
0:32:13 > 0:32:17there's a Jeremiah Fisher, there's a Mr Nutkins, there's a Mr Brock
0:32:17 > 0:32:19and a Mr McGregor.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22All there. So it looks like, when she was looking for names,
0:32:22 > 0:32:25she just wandered around and chose them from the gravestones.
0:32:25 > 0:32:30Anyway, Beatrix Potter was a rather successful botanist before becoming a children's author.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Her first publication was about fungi.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36Well, that's it for magic. Now for the tricky bit - it's general ignorance.
0:32:36 > 0:32:41Fingers on buzzers, if you'd please. When should you open the first door on your Advent calendar?
0:32:41 > 0:32:44- 'Abracadabra.'- Yeah?
0:32:44 > 0:32:45- First of December.- Oh!
0:32:45 > 0:32:47KLAXON BLARES
0:32:47 > 0:32:49- I didn't say December the first!- Hey!
0:32:49 > 0:32:52Nice try to get out of it!
0:32:52 > 0:32:57No, it's the fourth Sunday before Christmas, and that can be one of a range of days
0:32:57 > 0:32:59between November 27th and December 3rd.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02The point is, you open it on Advent Sunday.
0:33:02 > 0:33:07- To be honest, I don't usually have one.- Aw, don't you?
0:33:07 > 0:33:12As your children grow up, you will. You will. They'll love them.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15- I just stopped getting mine. - Did you stop getting them?- Yeah.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18- I felt 19 was then the last one. - Right.- I'm 20.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21So you've got to buy them 20 years' worth of Advent calendars.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24- Can you get them a Kelly Brook Advent calendar?- I'm not sure!
0:33:24 > 0:33:26You cannot!
0:33:26 > 0:33:28- That's very bad. Very bad. - That's quite creepy.
0:33:30 > 0:33:34- Do you remember when pubs used to have the peanuts on the card? - Oh, yes.
0:33:34 > 0:33:35And there would be a naked girl.
0:33:35 > 0:33:42As you pulled them off, there'd be a girl beneath, encouraging the blokes to eat more nuts! "Get more nuts!"
0:33:44 > 0:33:48Johnny Vegas told me that in his local pub in St Helens, it was a topless pub,
0:33:48 > 0:33:52and if you paid an extra 50p, she'd dip it in the pint before she gave it to you.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55Divert your ears!
0:33:57 > 0:34:00- Please!- ALAN:- How erotic(!)
0:34:03 > 0:34:05More often than not,
0:34:05 > 0:34:08Advent actually starts in November, not on December 1st.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11So, who'd like to pull a Christmas cracker?
0:34:11 > 0:34:13I've got one. They've even got your names on.
0:34:13 > 0:34:15That's Lee's...and that's Alan's.
0:34:15 > 0:34:20- Thank you.- There you are, pass them on. You can see the names there. One for Graham, one for Daniel.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23- With each other? - Shall we do that?
0:34:25 > 0:34:27Oh, I lost twice. Great.
0:34:27 > 0:34:32- That worked quite well.- Give him one of the jokes, Alan, if you'd be so kind.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34- No way.- Oh, you must. Let him have a joke.
0:34:34 > 0:34:38- So, Graham, would you like to read your joke?- OK, here we go.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43- Oh!- Did you write these, Stephen?
0:34:45 > 0:34:49- Are they good?- It just sounds like something you might write.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51- Knock-knock...- Who's there?
0:34:51 > 0:34:54- To.- To who?
0:34:54 > 0:34:57To whom, surely!
0:34:57 > 0:35:00- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - That's a good joke.
0:35:04 > 0:35:05"S Fry."
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Oh, dear. Lee, what's your joke?
0:35:07 > 0:35:09- Knock-knock...- Who's there?
0:35:09 > 0:35:11JK Row-ling...
0:35:13 > 0:35:17No. What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of its cave?
0:35:17 > 0:35:21What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of its cave?
0:35:21 > 0:35:24- Come on, bear!- Camembert, brilliant!
0:35:24 > 0:35:27- "Come on, bear!" - Camembert, very good!
0:35:29 > 0:35:30Is that really it?
0:35:30 > 0:35:34Yeah. I didn't even know bears liked cheese.
0:35:34 > 0:35:38- They love it. - No. I'm not going to...
0:35:38 > 0:35:40I'm not going to fall for that one, Lee. Daniel.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43Who is the most famous married woman in America?
0:35:43 > 0:35:45- AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS - I didn't hear that.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Mississippi!
0:35:47 > 0:35:51Mrs Sippi! That's really...excellent.
0:35:51 > 0:35:56- Alan.- What disease can you get from decorating a Christmas tree?
0:35:56 > 0:35:57LEE: Syphilis.
0:35:59 > 0:36:03- Tinsel-itis. No? - Yes, it is. Tinsel-itis.
0:36:03 > 0:36:09Well, there you are. Now, you'll be pleased to know there's a department of the University of Hampshire
0:36:09 > 0:36:12called the Public Understanding of Psychology,
0:36:12 > 0:36:17and Richard Wiseman has a theory about cracker jokes, which is they SHOULD be bad.
0:36:17 > 0:36:21Why... Why is that a good thing?
0:36:21 > 0:36:22Alan.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Who's speaking?
0:36:25 > 0:36:30- You're wishing you hadn't had that methanol now.- Jokes should be bad?
0:36:30 > 0:36:33- Is it because... To make us feel superior?- Sorry?
0:36:33 > 0:36:36- To make us feel superior? - Sort of the opposite.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39- They've always been bad and we don't like change?- Partly, maybe,
0:36:39 > 0:36:43but his theory is that not everybody will always find a joke funny.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46Therefore, the moment you tell a joke, at a party in particular,
0:36:46 > 0:36:47you divide the room into two -
0:36:47 > 0:36:50those who liked it, and those who didn't.
0:36:50 > 0:36:54And sometimes nobody likes it and the person who tells it feels bad,
0:36:54 > 0:36:58whereas if everybody knows the joke is a terrible, groaning joke,
0:36:58 > 0:37:01it's everybody against the joke. Everybody's bonded.
0:37:01 > 0:37:05So yes, cracker jokes are bad because they are, and that's why they're not bad.
0:37:05 > 0:37:09So that's it for this cracking QI Christmas.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12Let's just check the scores and see how we're doing.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16- Oh, my goodness me. - I think I've done very well! - It's really exciting.
0:37:16 > 0:37:20Winning, on his first appearance, with ten points, is Daniel Radcliffe!
0:37:20 > 0:37:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:24 > 0:37:27And in second place with four points, Graham Norton!
0:37:27 > 0:37:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:34 > 0:37:37But it's pretty tight below the salt.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39In third place with -18, Lee Mack!
0:37:39 > 0:37:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:42 > 0:37:44That just leaves you, son!
0:37:44 > 0:37:51And, just in last place is our stable donkey, Alan Davies, on -19!
0:37:51 > 0:37:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:57 > 0:38:00Well, it would be no kind of Christmas party
0:38:00 > 0:38:03if it didn't end with tricks and japes and larks of all kinds,
0:38:03 > 0:38:05so have you got a trick or a jape lined up, Alan?
0:38:05 > 0:38:07I have something, yes.
0:38:07 > 0:38:11- Ooh, who are you going to play it on?- If I could ask Lee to be my Debbie McGee?
0:38:11 > 0:38:14LAUGHTER I'm not falling for this again!
0:38:14 > 0:38:16- Take it. Take it away.- Come on!
0:38:16 > 0:38:19This is my equipment, Lee.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22If I could ask you to lie in the box, your head at that end, please...
0:38:22 > 0:38:26This is like the time you told me to smell your hankie.
0:38:26 > 0:38:27What?!
0:38:27 > 0:38:31- Chloroform joke. - Oh, chloroform. Thank God!
0:38:31 > 0:38:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:38:35 > 0:38:37All the way back, if you don't mind. All the way in.
0:38:37 > 0:38:42- Just tuck yourself in under there. - Hang on, sawing? I didn't see that!
0:38:42 > 0:38:45Just look this way, concentrate on the audience. Smile.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48- You're very happy, you're relaxed. - I'm having the time of my life(!)
0:38:48 > 0:38:52- Are you sure you're all the way in? - Are you sure you know what you're doing?!
0:38:52 > 0:38:56Ooh, hello! I can see why Phill Jupitus wasn't invited on this week!
0:38:58 > 0:39:01Ow! Ow!
0:39:05 > 0:39:07Maybe I should have had Daniel!
0:39:07 > 0:39:10- I think that would have been more sensible!- I can't feel my legs!
0:39:10 > 0:39:13I used to play a magician's assistant, you know?!
0:39:15 > 0:39:19- Ow! That's the bit. - Just try and relax.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22- ELECTRIC SAW BUZZES Oh, my God!- Whoa!
0:39:22 > 0:39:24Yes!
0:39:26 > 0:39:29Are you ready? Just relax. It won't hurt at all.
0:39:29 > 0:39:30LEE SCREAMS
0:39:33 > 0:39:37- Are you all right?- What? - I said, are you all right?
0:39:37 > 0:39:40You're cutting my belly in half!
0:39:40 > 0:39:41Wow!
0:39:41 > 0:39:47Brilliant. Don't worry, you've worked with all the professionals - Douglas Bader, Heather Mills...
0:39:47 > 0:39:50LAUGHTER
0:39:50 > 0:39:54- I'm under stress!- Let's just see, there's his arm.
0:39:54 > 0:39:58- Yes.- The arm's not the bit I'm worried about. - Yes, that's working fine.
0:39:58 > 0:40:02Now, ladies and gentlemen, if this has worked...
0:40:02 > 0:40:04- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:40:04 > 0:40:07Oh, my word!
0:40:07 > 0:40:10- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Yes! Look at that!
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Blimey!
0:40:16 > 0:40:18Brilliant!
0:40:18 > 0:40:22Alan Davies and the glamorous Lee Mack, ladies and gentlemen!
0:40:22 > 0:40:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:25 > 0:40:30- Well, all I can say...- Hang on! Surely you don't leave it like that?!
0:40:30 > 0:40:35Just hang there for the moment, Lee, and we will see.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38It's going to be hard to top, boys. Can you do something similar?
0:40:38 > 0:40:41Well! Come with me, Daniel Radcliffe.
0:40:41 > 0:40:42Oh, I say.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45This did seem like a good idea, so, er...
0:40:45 > 0:40:47- Shall I?- If you want to kneel down there...
0:40:47 > 0:40:48Right.
0:40:48 > 0:40:52OK. This feels very wrong, doesn't it?!
0:40:52 > 0:40:54LAUGHTER
0:40:55 > 0:40:58Children are watching and sobbing!
0:40:59 > 0:41:01"What's he doing?!
0:41:01 > 0:41:05"He found Dorothy, now he's killing Harry Potter!"
0:41:07 > 0:41:10- OK...- Daniel, you have... - Are you all right, there?
0:41:10 > 0:41:14Daniel, have you finished both of the Harry Potter films by now?
0:41:14 > 0:41:16It'll be fine, it'll be fine!
0:41:16 > 0:41:19They can usually finish them without you!
0:41:19 > 0:41:22I'm so bad at this, I was about to lean through.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24LAUGHTER
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Are you all right there? Are you comfortable?
0:41:27 > 0:41:30- Yes, it's lovely, thank you. - Nothing can go wrong.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32Wouldn't it be awful...?
0:41:34 > 0:41:38No, you know what I mean? We had the stuff about the bullet, and...
0:41:38 > 0:41:40It could go wrong!
0:41:40 > 0:41:46There'll be a story, "Then Graham got distracted by a bright light. Oh, he's dead!"
0:41:46 > 0:41:48Have I done...? I think I've done it all right.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50LAUGHTER
0:41:50 > 0:41:55- You'll live on in films forever. - LAUGHTER
0:41:56 > 0:41:59- DRUM ROLL - Drum roll!- OK, here we go.
0:41:59 > 0:42:03So, three, two...
0:42:03 > 0:42:05- AUDIENCE:- One...
0:42:05 > 0:42:08AUDIENCE GASP AND APPLAUD
0:42:08 > 0:42:11On that bombshell, ladies and gentlemen...
0:42:13 > 0:42:15Thank you, Graham.
0:42:18 > 0:42:21You saw it here. It'll be on YouTube before you can speak,
0:42:21 > 0:42:24but my goodness me, on that bombshell,
0:42:24 > 0:42:25it's thanks to Lee and Alan...
0:42:25 > 0:42:29APPLAUSE
0:42:29 > 0:42:32..and it's thanks to Graham and the late Daniel Radcliffe!
0:42:32 > 0:42:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:34 > 0:42:39And a very merry Christmas to you all, good night!
0:43:01 > 0:43:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:04 > 0:43:07E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk