0:00:28 > 0:00:35Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Welcome to QI for another incongruous in-gathering
0:00:38 > 0:00:42of I-related information including income tax, inflation
0:00:42 > 0:00:43and Imperial Rome.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Let's have a look at tonight's four Is.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49The eye-catching Sandi Toksvig.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:52 > 0:00:57The eye-watering Al Murray.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:01 > 0:01:03The I-rish Dara O'Briain.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:07 > 0:01:11And aye, aye, aye, it's Alan Davies.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Right, let's hear your I-buzzers.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23- Sandy goes... - BIRD CAWS
0:01:23 > 0:01:26That was an ibis.
0:01:26 > 0:01:31- Al goes... - MEN CHANT
0:01:31 > 0:01:38- That was an Ibex. Dara goes... - ENGINE REVS
0:01:38 > 0:01:42That was a Seat Ibiza.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43And Alan goes...
0:01:43 > 0:01:47# I, I, I, I, like you very much
0:01:47 > 0:01:51# I, I, I, I, think you're great. #
0:01:51 > 0:01:53And don't forget, if you spot a question
0:01:53 > 0:01:55to which you think nobody knows the answer,
0:01:55 > 0:01:59you can always play your ignoramus joker like so.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Nobody knows!
0:02:00 > 0:02:04There may be a question to which the answer is, nobody knows.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07So, describe, if you can, in detail,
0:02:07 > 0:02:10the world's most exotic tax inspectors.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Not the ones who brought me into Balham once?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Were you once given a right going over?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I was once given a right going over, yeah.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22I'd taken tax advice from Harry Hill so it was my own fault!
0:02:24 > 0:02:28He used to be a doctor so I thought he knew what he was talking about.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I once went three days with a tax inspector
0:02:31 > 0:02:35going through, honestly, every single decimal point of everything.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37After three days, he didn't find anything and he said,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40"To be honest, Miss Toksvig, I just wanted to meet you."
0:02:40 > 0:02:46- Wow!- I know. - Was either of them exotic,
0:02:46 > 0:02:50did they have a flowery tie or anything about them...
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- Is it going to be one of those tax haven things?- No, it's not.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56We're in the Middle East, we're in an Islamic country
0:02:56 > 0:02:59where people would be embarrassed by a certain type of person,
0:02:59 > 0:03:01a transgender person.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06In Pakistan, they have a squadron of transgender tax collectors
0:03:06 > 0:03:09who come basically to embarrass people into paying.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12They go, "Hiya.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13"You all right?"
0:03:13 > 0:03:17First of all, you go to the shop and say,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"You owe us this much in tax."
0:03:19 > 0:03:21And they would simply say, "We refuse to pay."
0:03:21 > 0:03:26They'd say, "OK, then tomorrow we will send in a group of transgender tax collectors
0:03:26 > 0:03:30"who will dance and sing in your shop until you pay."
0:03:30 > 0:03:32# The crying game. #
0:03:32 > 0:03:36But only 5% of people pay tax in Pakistan so it's not working, is it?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39There's only so many transgender people.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43They're very busy belting out I Am What I Am in shops all around the country.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49Well, there is quite a transgender, I suppose one would use the word, community in Pakistan.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53And they have obviously had it very tough, especially in the more
0:03:53 > 0:03:57extremist parts of that country where such things are frowned upon.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00But they are classed together with transvestites and eunuchs
0:04:00 > 0:04:02and there's a special word for them which is hijra.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05But how extraordinary for a mother if she sees her son,
0:04:05 > 0:04:10putting on her high heels and she looks at him now and thinks, "Tax inspector!"
0:04:10 > 0:04:13It is, it's a glamour profession now.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16I have to do this, mother. I'm a tax inspector.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- It may well happen. - Nothing else is going on.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Why are you wearing that dress this evening?
0:04:24 > 0:04:28There you are. In India, in Andhra Pradesh, they've tried drumming.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32They simply drum outside the shop or household and keep it up until they pay their taxes.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35What if you own a drum shop?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- That would be...- That would be a fatal flaw, wouldn't it?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41It would but that's going to be a very low percentage.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43You're nitpicking here, I think, Dara.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45What would we do here?
0:04:45 > 0:04:50Morris dancers, I think, outside your shop. "I'll pay, I will pay!"
0:04:50 > 0:04:56Basically, the governments of the world are looking for imaginative solutions to raise their taxes.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59And that is one, using transgender people in Karachi.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01You're looking astonished!
0:05:01 > 0:05:05I'm totally astonished. It's boggling. It's brilliant.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08While living in Pakistan was there any point at which Osama Bin Laden
0:05:08 > 0:05:10didn't pay his taxes and was in danger
0:05:10 > 0:05:15of four transgender people knocking on the door of his massive compound?
0:05:15 > 0:05:16No wonder he was hiding!
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I wonder what that man does for a living. What's he done?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23The whole conversation... Four of them turn up?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Four of them, going through his papers, as you can see.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28"You come for my tax? I sold you that scarf."
0:05:28 > 0:05:32I think that's a counterfeit designer bag
0:05:32 > 0:05:34that she's wearing as well.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36He's going to get the hit squad.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Yes, he's going to get the full show.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Here come the girls!
0:05:39 > 0:05:42LAUGHTER
0:05:44 > 0:05:46That's what they sing.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50"We are the hit squad and the first hit will be Cher's I Believe."
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Absolutely.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54There you go.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Now, compare the tax advantages of being a drug dealer in Tennessee
0:05:58 > 0:06:01to those of being a bank robber in the Netherlands.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06Is it in Tennessee they can claim back
0:06:06 > 0:06:08the expense of buying the drugs against tax
0:06:08 > 0:06:10as a business expense or something?
0:06:10 > 0:06:15- You're in the right area.- There's some kind of accounting loophole.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18What they tried in Tennessee was to put a duty on drugs,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20as you do on alcohol and tobacco.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24So all these criminals who were found as drug dealers
0:06:24 > 0:06:27not only went to prison but they had to pay this tax on the drugs.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Like a stamp duty?
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Yes, but then constitutionally, it was discovered to be against...
0:06:32 > 0:06:36It counted as double jeopardy cos they were getting punished twice for the same crime.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40So now the state of Tennessee is paying money back
0:06:40 > 0:06:42to all the drug dealers.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46It's already paid millions out.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50About 161 people have already received 3.7 million...
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Because there was a bit of a screw-up.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56They thought it was a clever idea to get extra money
0:06:56 > 0:06:59out of drug criminals, instead they've actually lost out.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01They'll only spend it on drugs.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04So with bank robbers in the Netherlands, it must be that
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- you can claim for the expense of your gun.- Yes! - Is that right?- Absolutely right.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13Someone was found guilty of holding a place up with a gun
0:07:13 > 0:07:17and he was fined and his gun was an allowable expense
0:07:17 > 0:07:21- so the price of his gun was deducted from his fine.- Fantastic.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26- But presumably you'd need a receipt, first of all.- Yes.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27It was a working expense.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31So if you commit crimes that are worth less than your gun,
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- you will always be ahead.- Yes!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- A very expensive getaway car. - Yes, exactly.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Use a Porsche as a getaway car!
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- Very expensive silk stockings over your face.- La Perla, you see.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Absolutely.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Presumably you'd have to prove you bought the right thing for the crime.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51If you had a gun, fine. But if you had a ballistic missile,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- they're not going to cough up. - I think you're right.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Was it Robert Morley who used to run Miss World?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Eric Morley, I think his name was.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01He claimed his racehorses as a tax expense
0:08:01 > 0:08:06and it went all the way to court with him saying, basically,
0:08:06 > 0:08:08"I'm in the business of being Eric Morley
0:08:08 > 0:08:13"and that includes owning racehorses to keep up my kind of lifestyle
0:08:13 > 0:08:17"and have the swagger of being the man that runs Miss World, I need racehorses." And he won.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- Good God.- So he was able to claim his racehorses as a business expense.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24I once bought a racehorse by mistake.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27What had you originally gone into the shop for?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30I was there as a tax inspector.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32You wanted a pint of Activia pouring yoghurt
0:08:32 > 0:08:35and you bought a racehorse
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Oh, you heard about that little problem I had?
0:08:37 > 0:08:42LAUGHTER
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Table this, people.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47No, what happened was, I was at Epsom and somebody had given a racehorse
0:08:47 > 0:08:50to auction to the crowd to raise money for charity.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54And I was asked if I'd auction it off. So I said, "What am I bid for this marvellous racehorse?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I'm standing next to the horse and nobody bids.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59So I said, "I'll start us off. 3,000 Guineas."
0:08:59 > 0:09:00STEPHEN GASPS
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Silence. I was the only person who bid...
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Oh, Sandy!
0:09:05 > 0:09:11..on the horse and I'd come in my sports car. I'd no idea how I was going to get it home.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- So, did you have to pay out? - No, the man very nicely bought it back off me.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- How much for?- Well, I lost on it.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23For about a minute and a half, I owned a racehorse.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Did you follow the fortunes of that racehorse?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29No, I've never been to the races again. It's too terrifying.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Good Lord. Well, there you are.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I do know an actor who claimed his carpet on the grounds
0:09:35 > 0:09:39that it was wear and tear because he used to walk up and down learning his lines.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- Quite clever. - Didn't get away with it.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- But he still put it in.- Good effort.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Yes. Absolutely. I tried to claim for a bed once. No reason.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52I was new to the game, I just thought you put everything down.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Why? Because you had to sleep with directors to get parts?
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Exactly.
0:09:56 > 0:10:01Turns out you don't actually have to use a bed for that. Behind a skip, anything.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03They're not discerning about it.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07I was dressing the room, I was putting music on. They don't care.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10They want to use you and go. You're nothing to them.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I did try and claim for some paintings in my office
0:10:13 > 0:10:15and I was in the tax inspector's place and he said,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18"What is this, paintings in the office?"
0:10:18 > 0:10:22I said, "For goodness sake, nobody could possibly work in an office which had no art in it.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26And as I looked around, there was a single solitary poster...
0:10:26 > 0:10:28of the Heimlich manoeuvre.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30LAUGHTER
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- I couldn't think how often that would come up.- No, not really.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Not when you're on your own, in particular.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38People will try anything, basically.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Now, why does this house have bricked up windows?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Ah, I expect there'll be a klaxon,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48but there was window tax, wasn't there?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51KLAXON
0:10:51 > 0:10:54People like to go around the place and point at a black window
0:10:54 > 0:10:57and go, "Window tax, you see?"
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Yeah, I'm one of those people.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Because there was a window tax from the 1690s right up to 1851.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06What is this, then? A sort of 18th century fashionably solid curtain?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Yes, basically.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11It was just to balance the house out, basically.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14There were a lot of bricked in ones but this is an example
0:11:14 > 0:11:18of where it was just used to make it look slightly more symmetrical.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20It looks slightly like they had a child they didn't love
0:11:20 > 0:11:24and they bricked them into a part of the house.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29Looking at the brickwork, I think there was an extension somewhere. Anyway...
0:11:29 > 0:11:33That doesn't excuse the fact that Granny has been living in that slim portion of...
0:11:33 > 0:11:36They just slide pizzas under the door.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Was there not a brick tax at one point? I think you can tell
0:11:39 > 0:11:42the age of some London buildings by the size of the brick.
0:11:42 > 0:11:47Is that right? Certainly before the window tax, there was a hearth and chimney tax for fireplaces.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Then they decided the window tax would be a good idea.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54It was in the 1850s that they realised the British glass industry was doing very badly.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58There's an example... Those were blanked out for window tax.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00A, people were not getting enough light
0:12:00 > 0:12:04and it was very disadvantageous for the poor who lived in dark places,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07and the British glass industry was getting really depressed.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10But the candle makers were raking it in.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Candle makers were raking it in, there is that.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Is it or isn't it where daylight robbery comes from?
0:12:15 > 0:12:20This idea of taking away the windows and window tax was daylight robbery. I'm not sure.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24No, I think daylight robbery is you just take something in plain sight.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26It's shameless robbery, daylight robbery.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29That house would make a very good advent calendar.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Yes, it would.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Imagine that. A huge chocolate behind...
0:12:34 > 0:12:36LAUGHTER
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Scare the life out of the children!
0:12:38 > 0:12:43Surely somebody's rung the doorbell and gone, "By the way, they've repealed the window tax."
0:12:43 > 0:12:46But other countries have chosen other strange taxes.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49What do you think they taxed in Amsterdam?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52There's a narrowness, isn't there? The width of the building.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Yes, they taxed the width in Amsterdam.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Hence you get those extraordinary, Dutch, very, very narrow houses.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- And all of them have that gable extended...- For a pulley system?
0:13:02 > 0:13:06So everything got lifted up cos the doors were too narrow to bring things in.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10It results in rather beautiful architecture, don't you think?
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- Nobody agrees with me. Everyone thinks it's hideous...- It's lovely.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- I think they just look very narrow. - Well, yes!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Nice buildings, could be a bit wider.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21It's the sort of building that I think, ooh,
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- imagine if you'd forgotten something on the top floor...- That's true.
0:13:25 > 0:13:30And you'd gone... You'd buy another. Whatever it was, you'd buy another.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33It's nice to have the stairs up, maybe in a spiral,
0:13:33 > 0:13:35but there should be a pole down.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- Have you ever been down a fireman's pole?- No, I haven't!
0:13:38 > 0:13:39LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:43You really tried to keep a straight face!
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I meant it in the most serious way.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48That raises a question, why don't firemen live in bungalows?
0:13:48 > 0:13:53Why the pole? Why not be on the same level as the fire truck?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Because you've got to jump into your boots, haven't you?
0:13:56 > 0:14:02No, you don't, you can just put them on! Just pull the boots on!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05It's Wallace and Gromit you're thinking of!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Oh, going to a fire isn't enough of an adventure, is it?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12It's not exciting enough.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15It's quite scary, I visited a fire station in Indiana
0:14:15 > 0:14:17and they said, "Go on, jump."
0:14:17 > 0:14:22And there's a pole, and I suddenly realised, I don't want to do this.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I eventually did it, and it's horribly squeaky,
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- like nails on a blackboard. - Is it like a slide that's warm?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31It should have been oiled, I feel.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33LAUGHTER
0:14:33 > 0:14:38Oil's flammable! They can't turn up at a fire covered in oil!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41That's true! I hadn't thought it through!
0:14:41 > 0:14:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:42 > 0:14:47You're quite right. Yeah, I don't think these things through.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52Surely there's training, because I would presume if you jump and grab it with cloth,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55you'll just go straight down at nearly terminal velocity.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59- Grab it with your leg. - Get nasty burns.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03That would be an ironic thing, to get a burn on the way to a fire.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05While they're going down holding on with their legs,
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- they're putting their hat on and doing their...- Bungalow.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13- You're right.- Bungalows, I'm sorry. - The fire engines take up all the room.
0:15:13 > 0:15:18That's true, you've got to have... Two machines abreast is usual, isn't it,
0:15:18 > 0:15:20and if all the living quarters were next door...
0:15:20 > 0:15:25- Sorry, I just thought of breasts. - LAUGHTER
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Two machines...?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Two machines per breast!
0:15:31 > 0:15:35It was an odd moment, Alan, because I was with you.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38LAUGHTER
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- Some sort of pumping going on... - Oh, dear!
0:15:40 > 0:15:45- Lifting machine, or a... - Never mind, no. Anyway...
0:15:45 > 0:15:48What I don't like is they no longer have a ladder on the top
0:15:48 > 0:15:53that sometimes comes adrift and one dangles off the end going round corners.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Oh, yes, like in, was it One Of Our Dinosaurs Is Missing
0:15:55 > 0:15:59or one of those Disney films where they go round London...?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02The only recent film, I think it was Terminator 3.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Oh, did they use it in Terminator 3?
0:16:03 > 0:16:08- The Terminator was hanging off the end and went through buildings.- Wow.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12It was very exciting. I think it was perhaps done on a computer.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Yeah, that's probably true.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Now, talking of large tax bills,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21named the best paid sportsman of all time.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- So it's not going to be one of those. - I was going to say one of those,
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- I was going to say that one on the left.- Were you? Not the best laid!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30KLAXON SOUNDS
0:16:30 > 0:16:31That's ridiculous!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33LAUGHTER
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- Thought crime for Alan Davies! - Absolutely!
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- Is it of all-time? So... - It's going to be relative,
0:16:39 > 0:16:44- so it's going to be someone in Ancient Greece or something. - Spartacus.- Imperial Rome.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Imperial Rome is indeed where we need to be, yeah.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- Is it a gladiator of some description?- Not a gladiator.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51- Charioteer?- Charioteer.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55A charioteer by the name of Gaius Appuleius Diocles,
0:16:55 > 0:16:59and he was a Lusitanian Spaniard, and he was the greatest sportsman of his age.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01He wasn't a looker, though, was he?
0:17:01 > 0:17:05That might not be accurate! We know he was...
0:17:05 > 0:17:07What makes you say that?!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Judging by the horses...
0:17:09 > 0:17:12After a while, you do turn into a little bit like the animal that you work with.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:17He won 1,462 races,
0:17:17 > 0:17:24which racked up 35,863,120 sesterces in prize money,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27as recorded in a monumental inscription, exactly that amount.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29He's the champion of all charioteers,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32and if you compare this to the average wage of the day
0:17:32 > 0:17:35and use all the calculations that people use to determine these things,
0:17:35 > 0:17:40his career winnings amounted to an equivalent of 15 billion.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- Quite astonishing amount of money. - That would make Tiger Woods pale!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46That's a fantastic...
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Tiger Woods was the first to earn a billion,
0:17:48 > 0:17:51so he's certainly the best paid of our time, but not of all time.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- I wish charioteer was rhyming slang.- For...?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56(QUIETLY) You know, a queer.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Oh!
0:17:57 > 0:17:59I think we've got enough words!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Another one!
0:18:01 > 0:18:07- Iron and ginger.- It would've been funnier...- "He's a charioteer."
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Chariot!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10LAUGHTER
0:18:10 > 0:18:12If we pretended.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13HE WHINNIES
0:18:13 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER
0:18:15 > 0:18:21- Ben Hur.- Yeah, Ben Hur. - Well, Ben Hur would suit, I think.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24If you try to reclaim it, to empower yourself by using a word
0:18:24 > 0:18:27we just invented that was never actually slang,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29and you're going, "Well, I am a charioteer
0:18:29 > 0:18:31"and none of you can say it."
0:18:31 > 0:18:37It's our word, we've got it back for ourselves. A charioteer of fire.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- Down a pole.- Hey!
0:18:40 > 0:18:45- You reclaimed that in under a minute. It's the fastest ever. - It was pretty good, wasn't it?
0:18:45 > 0:18:52Well, anyway, this was in 146 AD that he retired as the richest sportsman.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55And they had four horses and there were up to 12 teams
0:18:55 > 0:18:59and they would go round a lap, like Ben Hur,
0:18:59 > 0:19:03and the skill was cornering, it was incredibly difficult. And he won nearly 1,500 races.
0:19:03 > 0:19:08- Nero used to race in chariot races and he always won everything.- Yeah.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11So what used to happen, on one occasion he fell out of the chariot
0:19:11 > 0:19:14and everybody stopped and pretended that their horse had got
0:19:14 > 0:19:18something wrong with them, having a look, going, "Is he back in?"
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- And then he got back in and he won. - Gosh!
0:19:20 > 0:19:25- Is it true or is it a myth that people were killed in the filming? - In the original Ben Hur,
0:19:25 > 0:19:29- the silent one, I think people were killed, in the previous version. - In the silent one
0:19:29 > 0:19:32they were going at phenomenal speed.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- Nobody minded in those days. - No, you couldn't hear a thing.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- No, quite. - ALAN WAILS
0:19:39 > 0:19:41The card comes up.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Do you know the connection between Ben Hur and Billy the Kid?
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Well, do you know who wrote Ben Hur the novel?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I feel like I did know it and now I don't.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52He was a man called Wallace and he was the governor of New Mexico.
0:19:52 > 0:19:57- And he was the one who signed Billy the Kid's death warrant. - That's fabulous trivia.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Isn't it?- Yes. Well done, you. I think you should get an extra point for that.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02LAUGHTER
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Thank you very much. Staying in that period of time for a moment,
0:20:05 > 0:20:10please fill me in on this little piece of information. Who had to return to their birthplace
0:20:10 > 0:20:15- for the census?- This is going to be one of those things where we say
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Joseph and Mary and it isn't Joseph and Mary because...
0:20:18 > 0:20:21KLAXON SOUNDS
0:20:21 > 0:20:26- Yeah, it isn't that at all because. - Tiger Woods?- It's not.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Clever, always being one step behind.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34- LAUGHTER - The story is given in one of the Gospels - Luke -
0:20:34 > 0:20:38where it says that Caesar Augustus, if you remember, in those days
0:20:38 > 0:20:41issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire
0:20:41 > 0:20:46- Roman world. And we know this is simply...- Not true. The dates are all over the place.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50No, there was never a census of the entire Roman world.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53And there is also absolutely no truth in the fact that you had to
0:20:53 > 0:20:56return to the place of your birth in order to complete a census.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01There's only one reason why Luke would want you to think
0:21:01 > 0:21:05that Mary and Joseph went to Bethlehem to give birth.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- To fulfil the prophecy? - To fulfil the prophecy is the point.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12In the Old Testament it says that the Messiah will be born
0:21:12 > 0:21:15from the stem off Jesse, and that means?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17What is the stem of Jesse?
0:21:17 > 0:21:21There's so many answers I don't even know where to begin. LAUGHTER
0:21:21 > 0:21:24What time is this broadcast?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27King David in the Bible was David, son of Jesse.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32And in the various prophecies, they say the Messiah will be born
0:21:32 > 0:21:35in Bethlehem from the stem of Jesse, i.e. from the family.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40But it's all about Joseph, and Mary, supposedly, is a virgin,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43so the stem of Jesse's got nothing to do with it.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- I know, the whole thing doesn't make sense.- What?!
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- I don't believe for a minute. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:51 > 0:21:55I spent a lot of time on this as a kid in Ireland.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Don't tell me now, don't let the scales fall from my eyes now.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03It doesn't make any sense anyway. If you were going to count people...
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- If we had the census here, I'd have to go back to Copenhagen. - That's the point.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11It's only put in there in order to get him to be born in Bethlehem.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Luke is the Gospel writer who's most determined
0:22:13 > 0:22:16to fit in all the prophesies.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20And it wasn't a Bethlehem tourist board-type thing, where they said,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23"Is there any chance you could place this story here?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28"We've got the guys with the relics ready to go!
0:22:28 > 0:22:31"Can you shift it to us?"
0:22:31 > 0:22:35- Like Santa Claus, Lapland, versus Santa Claus, North Pole.- Yes.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39This is probably exactly an excellent parallel to draw
0:22:39 > 0:22:40between the two things!
0:22:40 > 0:22:43But Lapland have just decided that's where Santa lives.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- And of course, the real St Nicholas came from Turkey.- Of course.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48And lived in the North Pole!
0:22:48 > 0:22:54The things we've really been cheated on are the really interesting books
0:22:54 > 0:22:56that should have been in the Bible.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58The Bible was assembled over a long period of time,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00well after the birth of Christ.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02It was 300 years later, they got together.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05There were constant conferences going on,
0:23:05 > 0:23:09deciding on which bits of scripture they should include in the Bible.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12There are some wonderful ones about the infancy of Christ.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Wouldn't this make you more interested in Jesus?
0:23:15 > 0:23:19This is one here. They're the Infancy Gospels,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22which were rejected from the final cut of the Bible.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Is this like an Easter egg, ironically, on a DVD?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27"Mary dismounted from her beast
0:23:27 > 0:23:30"and sat down with the child Jesus in her bosom,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32"and there were, with Joseph, three boys,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34"and Mary, a girl, going on the journey along with them,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38"and lo, suddenly, there came forth from the cave many dragons.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41"When the children saw them, they cried out in great terror.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44"Then, Jesus went down from the bosom of his mother
0:23:44 > 0:23:46"and stood on his feet before the dragons,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48"and they adored Jesus and thereafter retired."
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Oh, that's fantastic!
0:23:50 > 0:23:51That's marvellous!
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Wouldn't you have paid more attention in Sunday school?!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58You're reading that to us in your Harry Potter voice, as well!
0:24:03 > 0:24:05The Bible meets Puff, The Magic Dragon - that's fantastic!
0:24:05 > 0:24:11That is typical - "Oh, that lizard? That's a dragon! That's a dragon!"
0:24:11 > 0:24:13What did the 2001 census reveal to be
0:24:13 > 0:24:15the fourth-largest religion in Britain?
0:24:15 > 0:24:19This is going to go off, but I'm going to say Jedi.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21KLAXON BLARES
0:24:21 > 0:24:25No, the fourth-largest number of people put Jedi as their religion,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28but they were not counted as a religion.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Those who put Jedi were put in the box "No religion".
0:24:31 > 0:24:33They were ruled out for being silly.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37For being silly. The fourth-biggest religion is, in fact, in Britain?
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- Christian's got to be the top one still. Muslim second?- Yeah.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Sikh? Hindu?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Yes, fourth is Sikh. There were 14 Scots who put "Sith".
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Do you know when they released the press release about this...
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Was it something like 37,000 or something?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Huge, more than that, 390,000.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59The actual official form said...
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- What was the number?- 390,000.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05It was released as, "390,000 Jedi there are."
0:25:06 > 0:25:08That is very good!
0:25:09 > 0:25:13I'm reminded of an injustice that we did to you last series, Dara.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Do you remember, we did this thing about a louse
0:25:15 > 0:25:18that goes into the tongue of fish?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- Yes, I remember that, it was revolting.- It was revolting.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23It goes into the tongue, it eats the fish's tongue
0:25:23 > 0:25:26and becomes the fish's tongue and lives inside them,
0:25:26 > 0:25:31and you said, "But surely fish don't have tongues?"
0:25:31 > 0:25:32I brushed you off.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36In, I'm sure, a friendly way, I said, "Silly Dara!"
0:25:36 > 0:25:37No, you stood over me,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40I remember vividly, with a cane, and you beat me!
0:25:40 > 0:25:45You said, "Your impertinence! You're here at my mercy!"
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- It turns out that fish don't have tongues.- Yes!
0:25:48 > 0:25:51You're right, so I can give you some points for that from last time.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54They look like tongues, but they aren't muscles
0:25:54 > 0:25:57and they don't have taste buds. They're called basihyal,
0:25:57 > 0:26:01and they're quite a common dish in Newfoundland, cod's basihyal.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Sorry, is he going to get points and we weren't even there?!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- Al...- I've know loads of stuff I haven't said!
0:26:13 > 0:26:17No, I'm OK, cos I came on in series two
0:26:17 > 0:26:20and I mentioned a thing called the triple point of water being zero.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22On series three, I came back and they said,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26"No, we've had e-mails - actually, the temperature is 0.01." Right?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29So I was one hundredth of a degree off on this,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32and he docked me points the following year!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I'm happily take them, yeah!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Exactly. What goes around comes around. Don't feel bad.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41You may get points in two years' time.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42When you least expect it!
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Stephen will appear and go, "Some points!"
0:26:49 > 0:26:52It isn't actually a tongue, and it doesn't have taste buds,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55as I say, but what's it actually for?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Fooling Dara O Briain!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Getting bits out of your teeth.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04- Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl! - I'm going to go, now, it's too late.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Nobody knows, is the answer.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09You could have waved your "Nobody knows"...
0:27:09 > 0:27:12If I do it now, can I have points in three years?
0:27:12 > 0:27:16- Maybe!- Not understood this game at all!
0:27:16 > 0:27:20- You're not alone!- Like a nightmare!
0:27:20 > 0:27:22On the subject of numbers, though,
0:27:22 > 0:27:26what is the smallest uninteresting number?
0:27:26 > 0:27:30- What's an interesting number? - They're all interesting to me. I really love numbers.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Three sounds quite interesting. It sounds more interesting than two.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Three is the magic number.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Three is sexy, four is somebody's going to fall out of bed.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43We've got to go high. Numbers have fascinating properties.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46But it doesn't make sense. The smallest most uninteresting...
0:27:46 > 0:27:48If it was the smallest most uninteresting number...
0:27:48 > 0:27:51- It's a paradox. - It would be interesting.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54You're absolutely right. But nonetheless, it is, in mathematical terms
0:27:54 > 0:27:58the least-interesting number, but we're aware of the paradox behind it.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02So, ignoring the paradox side of it, cos it is quite interesting,
0:28:02 > 0:28:05there is a number...
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Is it only of numerical interest,
0:28:07 > 0:28:09or is it of a physical interest as well?
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Do you know the Hardy-Ramanujan story?
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I know so many Hardy-Ramanujan stories.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17There was a very great mathematician,
0:28:17 > 0:28:20probably one of the three greatest mathematicians who ever lived,
0:28:20 > 0:28:24called Ramanujan, who was a self-taught Indian from Tamil Nadu,
0:28:24 > 0:28:25a remarkable man.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29He ended up being the first Indian to be a Fellow of the Royal Society
0:28:29 > 0:28:31or a Fellow of an Oxbridge college.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35He worked with GH Hardy at Trinity College, Cambridge,
0:28:35 > 0:28:37who was then the most famous mathematician around.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41But he ended up in hospital with tuberculosis, and he was dying.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43- It's an incredibly sad story. - Three years?
0:28:43 > 0:28:46That's right. Remarkable work.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Anyway, Hardy went in one day to sit at his bedside
0:28:49 > 0:28:51and couldn't think of anything to say.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55And he said "Well, the licence number of the cab I came in was rather dull.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58"1729. That's not an interesting number, is it?"
0:28:58 > 0:29:03And Ramanujan instantly said "On the contrary, it's the smallest number
0:29:03 > 0:29:06"that is expressible as the sum of two cubes in two different ways."
0:29:06 > 0:29:09Which is extraordinary, you must admit.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13You must have quite a mathematical mind to see that. So that, for example,
0:29:13 > 0:29:17- is an interesting number.- I feel like Homer Simpson at the moment.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21- Anyway, there is... - There is a number.
0:29:21 > 0:29:26Let's put people out of their mathematical misery.
0:29:26 > 0:29:31There is an online encyclopaedia of integer sequences, which lists thousands of sequences
0:29:31 > 0:29:33of integers which have different qualities.
0:29:33 > 0:29:38And the smallest number which does not appear in any of these lists,
0:29:38 > 0:29:41and is therefore uninteresting, is 12,407.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44But as Sandi rightly said, that makes it interesting.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48It is the smallest number that does not appear to have any quality
0:29:48 > 0:29:51that, to a mathematician, is interesting.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53- I feel kind of sad.- 12,407.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56Now it's the most famous number in the country.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58It now becomes the most famous number,
0:29:58 > 0:30:02- after 1729.- But it will now go on a list of QI facts.
0:30:02 > 0:30:06- So now it will be on a list. - Google it now, and it will appear.
0:30:06 > 0:30:11Yeah, but in pure mathmetical terms, arithmetical terms, it will remain uninteresting.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15You could stick it on Big Brother. You could let it win Britain's Got Talent.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18The mathematicians will always regard it as...
0:30:18 > 0:30:21LAUGHTER
0:30:21 > 0:30:24It is still arithmetically uninteresting.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27But it has become culturally interesting. That's the difference.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30On that bombshell, let's move on.
0:30:30 > 0:30:35Now for something terribly important. Why did the MoD
0:30:35 > 0:30:37want the PM to join the AA?
0:30:37 > 0:30:43- This present David Cameron PM, or any?- No, the Prime Minister at the time was Harold Macmillan.
0:30:43 > 0:30:48Did the MoD want the country to become part of the Temperance movement?
0:30:48 > 0:30:50No, it's not that AA.
0:30:50 > 0:30:54- The Automobile Association. - Exactly, that AA.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57- Really?- Yes. So Harold Macmillan was Prime Minister.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00- What was going on in the world then? - The Cold War.
0:31:00 > 0:31:04The Cold War was at its height, and they knew Kennedy had this system -
0:31:04 > 0:31:10wherever he was, he could retaliate if the Soviets sent missiles. And they wanted a similar system.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12SANDI LAUGHS
0:31:12 > 0:31:17There's Lord Mountbatten, who was the chief of staff at the time.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20And they said "We'd better have men with the Prime Minister
0:31:20 > 0:31:24"who have radios and things in case there's news of a Soviet attack."
0:31:24 > 0:31:26And they said "That's too expensive",
0:31:26 > 0:31:32and the Prime Minister said "I don't want people following me around. Let's use the system the AA use."
0:31:32 > 0:31:36The idea was that they would get a signal from the AA
0:31:36 > 0:31:40to the car if the Soviets launched a strike.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43That would mean the Prime Minister could then stop off
0:31:43 > 0:31:47at the nearest telephone and issue the order for a counter-strike.
0:31:47 > 0:31:52And there were some very exciting memos. This is very British. You'll like this very much.
0:31:52 > 0:31:58Brian Saunders, private secretary to the Minister, said "It will be necessary for someone to make
0:31:58 > 0:32:02"a daily or weekly call to the AA control station to check that they're in working order.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05"I understand that if an emergency arose
0:32:05 > 0:32:08"while the Prime Minister was on the road,
0:32:08 > 0:32:11"the proposal is to use the radio to get him to a telephone.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14"Perhaps we should see that our drivers are provided with four pennies."
0:32:14 > 0:32:17They really thought it through.
0:32:17 > 0:32:21So that could stop you - "All right, we've got the signal.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24"There are bombs on the way from the Soviet Union."
0:32:24 > 0:32:26Stop off at a kiosk, and nobody's got any money.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28But they'd thought about that. But no.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31The Prime Minister's private secretary replied
0:32:31 > 0:32:34"Shortage of pennies should not present any difficulties
0:32:34 > 0:32:37"such as you envisage. In such cases, it's a simple matter
0:32:37 > 0:32:41"to have the cost of any telephone call transferred by dialling 100
0:32:41 > 0:32:43"and requesting reversal of the charge."
0:32:46 > 0:32:50This is all true. "This doesn't take any appreciable extra time. The system works in both normal
0:32:50 > 0:32:53"and STD telephone kiosks,
0:32:53 > 0:32:56"and our drivers are well aware of it."
0:32:56 > 0:32:58So we were safe all the time.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01If there was a missile, we'd have got a message, said "Look,
0:33:01 > 0:33:04"there's a red kiosk", he'd have stopped, got in
0:33:04 > 0:33:06and called up the operator and said
0:33:06 > 0:33:11"I want to call the Ministry of Defence armed bunker.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14"Could you reverse the charges?"
0:33:14 > 0:33:18"It's the Prime Minister here." "Get off the line!"
0:33:18 > 0:33:23Doen't he look marvellous, the AA? Have I misremembered this -
0:33:23 > 0:33:26- Didn't they used to salute if you were a member as you drove past? - That's right.
0:33:26 > 0:33:31- We should have that back again. - They'd be veering off the road.
0:33:31 > 0:33:36They have our security at heart, because Bligh considered buying full membership
0:33:36 > 0:33:41of the RAC as well, just in case. They really lashed out.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44But they discovered after the Cuban missile crisis
0:33:44 > 0:33:47that they didn't have any protocols in place
0:33:47 > 0:33:49for firing our nuclear weapons,
0:33:49 > 0:33:52which is how they ended up with this thing
0:33:52 > 0:33:54where when you become Prime Minister,
0:33:54 > 0:33:57you sit down and write a letter to the Trident captains
0:33:57 > 0:33:59that's then sent to the submarine.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01And when the captain gets the letter,
0:34:01 > 0:34:04he burns the old letter that's in the submarine safe
0:34:04 > 0:34:07- and replaces it with the new one. - Really?
0:34:07 > 0:34:10Yeah, and apparently when you become Prime Minister,
0:34:10 > 0:34:13you're sat down and told there are four possible options
0:34:13 > 0:34:15of what you can tell the captain.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18One is to nuke Moscow. The other one is to surrender.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21The other one is to go to America and hand yourself over
0:34:21 > 0:34:23and the other one's to go to Sydney.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26And no-one knows what they write in the letters,
0:34:26 > 0:34:30and the letters are then destroyed when the government changes hands.
0:34:30 > 0:34:35So a decision is made years before, when they arrive?
0:34:35 > 0:34:37They can change their minds and write another one.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40But surely they should change their mind
0:34:40 > 0:34:43as the situation unfolds at the time?
0:34:43 > 0:34:46It's to do with the Today programme as well.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49They come up at 6 o'clock in the morning GMT,
0:34:49 > 0:34:53and if the Today programme's not on on long wave, they assume the worst
0:34:53 > 0:34:56- and open the safe.- So would I. - Good Lord.
0:34:56 > 0:35:00If John Humphrys wasn't there, I wouldn't know what to do.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03I hope they remember there's no Today programme on Sundays.
0:35:03 > 0:35:07I'm sure they've thought about that.
0:35:07 > 0:35:13What if the war started in Sydney and...?
0:35:13 > 0:35:16One of the options is also "You make your mind up."
0:35:16 > 0:35:19I bet all the captains have peeked at the letter.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23Steamed it open with a kettle. "Ooh."
0:35:23 > 0:35:25"He signed it Dave!"
0:35:27 > 0:35:32"And he admits he doesn't know what the Big Society means himself."
0:35:32 > 0:35:35Anyway, now it's time to include all of our incompetencies
0:35:35 > 0:35:39into one easily managed inquiry that we call General Ignorance.
0:35:39 > 0:35:44Fingers on buzzers. What does the eye represent in the US dollar?
0:35:44 > 0:35:46MEN CHANT
0:35:46 > 0:35:47- Yes, Al?- Freemasonry?
0:35:47 > 0:35:49KLAXON
0:35:49 > 0:35:53- Oh, you fell into our trap. - I knew it.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55In fact, the eye was used as a symbol in freemasonry
0:35:55 > 0:35:57after the design of the dollar.
0:35:57 > 0:36:03It's just an all-seeing Providence, supposedly. It's just there to show...
0:36:03 > 0:36:05It's a bit trippy, though, isn't it?
0:36:05 > 0:36:08- It's a weird thing. - Benjamin Franklin was a Mason.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11He was the only Mason on the design committee of the dollar bill,
0:36:11 > 0:36:15but he wasn't on the final committee and the eye was not used
0:36:15 > 0:36:19- as a Masonic symbol until after. - A committee designed that?- Yes.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22Remarkable that you'd get that passed by a committee
0:36:22 > 0:36:25and they'd go "Yeah, why don't we stick a..."
0:36:25 > 0:36:30- A floating eye.- "A floating, freaky, disembodied eye, we all like that?"
0:36:30 > 0:36:35- "Yeah, great idea! Let's do that." - "I still want the cock and balls."
0:36:35 > 0:36:36LAUGHTER
0:36:38 > 0:36:42"Sure we don't just want a natural scene, like a river or something normal?"
0:36:42 > 0:36:44"No, a floating eye. A floating,
0:36:44 > 0:36:50"disembodied, all-seeing eye above a pyramid. What could be more American than that?"
0:36:50 > 0:36:54- "OK."- The extraordinary thing is that it hasn't changed.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58Ours changes all the time. And there's that old quiz question -
0:36:58 > 0:37:02is it 100,000 acres, a million acres or 10 million acres of woodland
0:37:02 > 0:37:06that is chopped down every year for making American currency notes?
0:37:06 > 0:37:10They're not made of paper, probably.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12No, they're made of linen. So no trees.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15What were the inhabitants of Mexico
0:37:15 > 0:37:17called before the Europeans arrived?
0:37:17 > 0:37:20- I'm going to say Aztecs.- Oh!
0:37:20 > 0:37:21KLAXON BLARES
0:37:23 > 0:37:25- No.- Mexicans?
0:37:25 > 0:37:29Basically, Mexica, yeah. Aztec was the reference to an island
0:37:29 > 0:37:35in the middle of the lake from which they traced their source, but they didn't call themselves Aztecs.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38- It looks like a fantastic place. - It looks great.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41Imagine how excited the Spanish were that they'd conquered it
0:37:41 > 0:37:44and killed all its people and stolen all its gold.
0:37:44 > 0:37:48It's a massive selection of Mexican transgender people.
0:37:49 > 0:37:53They are a Nahua people, and their language is Nahuatl.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56And there are words in English that are derived from Nahuatl.
0:37:56 > 0:38:00Points are available if you can give me some Nahuatl words we use.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03- Chocolate. - Chocolate is one. Very good.
0:38:03 > 0:38:04I've run out.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Burrito?
0:38:06 > 0:38:08Burrito!
0:38:11 > 0:38:14Burrito is Spanish for "little donkey",
0:38:14 > 0:38:19because it's in the shape of a little donkey. Your breakfast burrito. It's not that.
0:38:19 > 0:38:24- Guacamole?- I don't think so. I think that's also Spanish.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26Refried beans?
0:38:26 > 0:38:27Tequila?
0:38:27 > 0:38:31- I'll give you tequila.- Really? - Tequila is a Nahuatl word.
0:38:31 > 0:38:35You got that by a process of elimination.
0:38:35 > 0:38:39That is not knowledge, that's a crapshoot.
0:38:40 > 0:38:41Welcome to QI.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44You could have tomato.
0:38:44 > 0:38:49- Tomato!- Very good.- Tequila.
0:38:49 > 0:38:53We've already had tequila. But I haven't yet heard avocado.
0:38:53 > 0:38:54I said avocado.
0:38:54 > 0:38:58- Oh, then you get the avocado points.- Avocado.
0:39:00 > 0:39:04Breaking news just coming in. Guacamole is a Nahuatl word!
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Oh!
0:39:07 > 0:39:11- Guacamole.- Yeah. Yes, indeed.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13Sex and drugs and guacamole.
0:39:13 > 0:39:18Do you not think it sounds like Toad of Toad Hall's Mexican cousin?
0:39:18 > 0:39:24Guacamole. Guacamole's coming over. Ai, ai, ai! Arriba!
0:39:24 > 0:39:29You could have had chilli as well. Anyway, there we are.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31What did Prince Albert invent?
0:39:31 > 0:39:34- Oh, the cock ring.- Oh!
0:39:34 > 0:39:36KLAXON BLARES
0:39:39 > 0:39:42- Yeah?- The comb-over.
0:39:44 > 0:39:48Bizarrely, there was something he did invent, which is not
0:39:48 > 0:39:50quite as intimate as the item
0:39:50 > 0:39:55- of piercing jewellery that you referred to.- A cutlass?- No.
0:39:55 > 0:39:59He and Victoria were very young when they married, 20-years-old.
0:39:59 > 0:40:02And she was very nervous. She wrote a diary, as you may know.
0:40:02 > 0:40:08And it was quite an intimate diary, and she described the wedding night - not the full, physical details,
0:40:08 > 0:40:12but she described the experience as, "both gratifying and bewildering."
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Isn't that rather wonderful?
0:40:14 > 0:40:16We've all been there... LAUGHTER
0:40:16 > 0:40:19So anyway - they enjoyed enough to have nine children,
0:40:19 > 0:40:22and what he invented was a device that allowed them
0:40:22 > 0:40:25to lock the bedroom door from the bed.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29To give them marital privacy. Isn't that rather splendid?
0:40:29 > 0:40:31Dude!
0:40:31 > 0:40:34- Yeah... - LAUGHTER
0:40:34 > 0:40:37Excuse me while I just... Fsst!
0:40:39 > 0:40:44But he wore very tight trousers, and this myth grew up in the 20th century
0:40:44 > 0:40:47that he somehow anchored his penis to one side of his body or another
0:40:47 > 0:40:50by means of some sort of ring that was therefore able to
0:40:50 > 0:40:52pull it backwards so that it wasn't on show
0:40:52 > 0:40:54at parties, because he was a Victorian
0:40:54 > 0:40:59and it would have been rude wearing such tight trousers. But there is no evidence for this.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01What noise does a mute swan make?
0:41:01 > 0:41:06- And you're allowed to do an imitation, if you like.- 'Allo.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08LAUGHTER
0:41:08 > 0:41:10I could break your arm.
0:41:10 > 0:41:14LAUGHTER
0:41:14 > 0:41:16Does that, doesn't it?
0:41:16 > 0:41:18HE MOUTHS KLAXON BLARES
0:41:18 > 0:41:20Oh! Dear, oh dear, oh dear.
0:41:20 > 0:41:24Well, you'd think being called a mute swan... I'm afraid again you've fallen into our trap.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26They hoot, don't they, like a goose?
0:41:26 > 0:41:28There's a range of noises that swans make -
0:41:28 > 0:41:31hissing, snorting, grunting and indeed honking.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33They do all those noises.
0:41:33 > 0:41:37They just do it more quietly than other species of swan
0:41:37 > 0:41:39and therefore they were called the mute swan.
0:41:39 > 0:41:41They make a very loud noise when they fly.
0:41:41 > 0:41:45They're the heaviest bird that flies, in all nature.
0:41:45 > 0:41:49They're rubbish landers, though, they are.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52They come in, and the feet are going like this.
0:41:52 > 0:41:56- That's my swan impersonation, landing on the Thames.- Very good.
0:41:56 > 0:41:58LAUGHTER
0:41:58 > 0:42:01Which brings us nicely to the swansong of the scores
0:42:01 > 0:42:04and what remarkable reading they make too, ladies and gentlemen.
0:42:04 > 0:42:08In first place with a majestic plus 11, Sandi Toksvig.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11APPLAUSE
0:42:14 > 0:42:18And in a very creditable second place, with plus six, Dara O'Briain.
0:42:18 > 0:42:21APPLAUSE
0:42:23 > 0:42:28And first time up, Al Murray can hardly be ashamed of minus 13.
0:42:28 > 0:42:31APPLAUSE
0:42:33 > 0:42:37And Alan is all too used to bringing up the rear with minus 22.
0:42:37 > 0:42:40APPLAUSE
0:42:45 > 0:42:49All that's left for me to do is to thank Sandi, Dara, Al and of course, Alan,
0:42:49 > 0:42:53and I leave you with this piece of sound financial advice from Will Rogers:
0:42:53 > 0:42:56"A fool and his money are soon elected."
0:42:56 > 0:42:57Good night.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59APPLAUSE
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0:43:17 > 0:43:20E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk