0:00:28 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Hello. Happy Christmas, and welcome to QI On Ice.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46To keep us warm while Jack Frost is nibbling at our chestnuts,
0:00:46 > 0:00:48my stable is fairly heaving with red-nosed reindeer.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Ding-dong, it's Sean Lock!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Wey-ey, the lad's in a manger. It's Ross Noble.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:04And bless my rissoles, it's that merry gentleman,
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Father Christmas himself, Brian Blessed!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERING
0:01:14 > 0:01:18And as the old carol says, "Hither page and stand by me,
0:01:18 > 0:01:21"Yonder peasant, who is he?" It's Alan Davies!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:28 > 0:01:32So let's hear your jingle bells. Sean goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:34SLEIGH BELLS JANGLE
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Very nice. Ross goes...
0:01:36 > 0:01:38BELLS CHIME
0:01:38 > 0:01:40How pleasant. Brian goes...
0:01:40 > 0:01:42CHURCH BELLS PEAL
0:01:45 > 0:01:47And Alan goes...
0:01:47 > 0:01:49PARTY HORN BLOWER SQUEAKS
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Thank you for putting us in party mood.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Don't forget that this year,
0:01:54 > 0:02:00we are celebrating our ignorance with the Nobody Knows bonus.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02"NOBODY KNOWS" FANFARE
0:02:02 > 0:02:08Identify the one question tonight to which nobody knows the answer and you can get points galore.
0:02:08 > 0:02:13Can you do me a favour? Can you just put that there?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15It really is the Riddler!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17LAUGHTER
0:02:17 > 0:02:20He does look like the Riddler! Very good!
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Now Christmas, of course, is a time for relaxing and feasting,
0:02:24 > 0:02:25so answer me this.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Where do they take the most days off work
0:02:28 > 0:02:33and have the most expensive Big Macs in the world?
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Resolute in Canada, where the Eskimos, the Inuit,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40six months of the year it's dark there
0:02:40 > 0:02:43and they have great big bloody Big Macs
0:02:43 > 0:02:46and wonderful great big steaks and lots of sex.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- LAUGHTER - They've got to shag all the winter.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51That's true.
0:02:51 > 0:02:57That's like the best voiceover ever. "Bloody big Big Macs!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59"Shag the life out of you!"
0:02:59 > 0:03:03It's a good answer.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05This is a country themed to our series.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- Iceland. - Iceland is the right answer.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11It's extraordinary how many days off they take.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Per thousand people, they take off 367 days in the year,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17compared to about 20-odd in Britain
0:03:17 > 0:03:19and one in Switzerland.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- Probably minus seven in Germany. - Have they always got a cold?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27I think they just have that attitude to life.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Because they're lazy.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Possibly.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35It's the access to all those delicious prawn rings.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36At such low, low prices.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40MEXICAN ACCENT: "I'm not going to work today."
0:03:42 > 0:03:45"I've got another one. "I'm not going to work today."
0:03:45 > 0:03:46"That's how we talk."
0:03:46 > 0:03:49MEXICAN ACCENT: "That is how we talk in Iceland."
0:03:49 > 0:03:54"It's very cold here! You want some more prawns, it's all frozen!"
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Their Big Mac is more than twice a Big Mac in Britain.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00It's so expensive that McDonald's has withdrawn
0:04:00 > 0:04:03from Iceland. It's a very odd country. Have you been, Brian?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I've not. It's one of the few countries I've not been too.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08It's full of firsts.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11It has more Nobel Prize winners per capita than any country on earth.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Do you know how many it's had?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- 14.- No.- One.- Yes.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18One is the right answer, but the population is so small -
0:04:18 > 0:04:23320,000, which is roughly the population of Croydon -
0:04:23 > 0:04:26that as a per capita average...
0:04:26 > 0:04:31There he is, Laxness. He won the 1955 Nobel Prize for Literature.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34He was the only one to win but cos it's such a small population,
0:04:34 > 0:04:38it's four times more on average per capita than the United States.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42It shows how useless statistics are, really.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46It also uses three times more electricity than any other country on earth.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48But what's good about their electricity?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Geothermal activity.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54100% of it is from either hydro-electric or geothermal.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57In that sense, it's the cleanest electricity in the world.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Doesn't everybody live on the edge?
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Do you mean, like, "Let's take loads of drugs!
0:05:03 > 0:05:06"Let's drive our cars as fast as possible!"
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- Literally live on the edge. - Live fast, die young.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Living on the edge in Iceland is going out in just your pants.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15You don't have to drive a car, even.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18It's not wearing your thermals for a day.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22On the coast, I mean. I think pretty much everyone lives on the coast.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27It's also the world's youngest country. What do I mean by that?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31- It's volcanic, so it came up... - Geologically, it's the world's youngest country.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- But it has the world's oldest... - Parliament?
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Yes! Yes, yes. 947AD, and do you know what it is called?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- The Yakult. - Do that voice again.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Is it "Ye Olde Parliament"?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47"Shall we pass laws?" "No, we're living on the edge!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49"We don't need no laws.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52"We've got a prawn ring and all that."
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- What is a prawn ring? - You don't know?- No, I don't.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- It's prawns arranged in a ring. - Is it battered?
0:05:58 > 0:06:03It's a ring of prawns. WOMAN CACKLES
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Run around a bit, that's what the old comics used to say!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- Run around a bit, will you? - I paid for two.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13There should be one over there.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- So it's party food?- Yes.
0:06:18 > 0:06:23- I had you down as an Iceland man. - No, no. Sadly not.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27It comes in like a little plastic circle, circular cover.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31It's individual prawns in a layer?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Imagine a show called One Man And His Prawn.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38He whistled and they all perfectly got themselves
0:06:38 > 0:06:41into a circular pen and then were photographed.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- That's what it looks like. - So they're all aligned.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48It's like when they get attacked, that's what they do, go into a circle to defend themselves.
0:06:48 > 0:06:53You want to get yourself a tiny sheepdog...
0:06:53 > 0:06:55HE WHISTLES Come by.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- You need a prawndog! - You need a prawndog.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00What's the aquatic equivalent of sheepdog?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02What are you talking about, Ross?
0:07:02 > 0:07:07You're talking absolute nonsense. Sheepdogs for prawns?
0:07:07 > 0:07:11You don't get a sheepdog, you get a prawndog for prawns!
0:07:13 > 0:07:17That is, one, why I keep losing that competition.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Two...- Why your prawns are all over the shop.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23And two, I've got prawns everywhere and I've been banned from Crufts.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- It's out of order. Appalling. - Very good.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- Forget it.- Excellent. Right.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35The point is, Iceland is a world leader in surprising areas.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Here's something quite interesting.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Two points for anyone who can tell me this.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46In what way is Iceland's most recent volcano similar to Genghis Khan?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50I think they are both shagnasties.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Genghis Khan has apparently shagged everything that moves
0:07:55 > 0:07:59and he is the father and mother of all populations in Europe and Asia,
0:07:59 > 0:08:03so he shagged everything that moves.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06And the volcano, of course,
0:08:06 > 0:08:11has spurted out, had an orgasm of ammonia and has fertilised Europe.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Am I right?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Damn good answer.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:19 > 0:08:22To be brutally honest, that's not what's on my card.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Oh, shit.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27If there was no such thing as science, you would be right.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32I think I know what it is. I think, obviously, that volcano stopped lots of transport.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37He must have stopped something happening which the volcano stopped happening.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41You are in the right area. The odd thing is it's beneficial, especially at the moment.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43It's a thing we talk about a lot.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47That volcano poured out, they reckon,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50between 150,000 and 300,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53A huge amount of carbon came out as a result of it,
0:08:53 > 0:09:00but if you remember, no-one flew for however long it was
0:09:00 > 0:09:03and the lack of flying saved three million tonnes.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07In fact, it was a huge offset of carbon.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11And in the case of Ghengis Khan, he slaughtered his way across the world
0:09:11 > 0:09:14and had the largest empire the world has ever seen -
0:09:14 > 0:09:20four times that of Alexander, twice the size of the Roman Empire, and he killed about 40 million people.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24The result was there was so little farming that the forests grew back,
0:09:24 > 0:09:28and you can time a huge benefit to the world from his slaughter.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- That's extraordinary, isn't it? - What do we have to pronounce?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33That's what I was...
0:09:33 > 0:09:36How did you know I was going to ask that as a supplementary question?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- I thought you already did. - Did I already say it?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- Either that or I read it off the autocue.- You read it!
0:09:41 > 0:09:45You great big cheater!
0:09:45 > 0:09:46APPLAUSE
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- Says it there.- I'd now like you to pronounce the name of the volcano.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- It's written up there for you. - Oh, God alive!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Eye-eye-yarpn-oy-ey-jurp prawn rings.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01You should have been a newsreader.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03With your accent, you've got the best chance.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Ay-ach-jolla-jokull.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08It looks a bit like that, yeah. Any thoughts?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Ee-jaff-yallie-jock-rull.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Brian, have a go.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17EE-YA-JAFF-JALLA-JOKULL!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:20 > 0:10:23There's an Icelandic woman just gone...
0:10:23 > 0:10:25You may have set it off again, doing that.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31I think the umlaut changes it, doesn't it? Those little dots.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I think actually the way you are supposed to pronounce it is "udj".
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- If only.- It changes it.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Apparently it's... EY-ya-fyat-lah-YOH-kuhtl.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Is that translated as "big smoky bastard"?
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Yes.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50"You will go by ferry".
0:10:50 > 0:10:53That's basically the answer.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57What shouldn't you do with the Icelandic phone book?
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Is it "try and use it alphabetically"?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Cos they're all called Magnusson.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07- It's a...- Is it just "use it"? Never use it.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09It's along those lines.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13- How do Icelandic people name themselves?- Son and daughter.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Right. Your daughter would be "Alandottir",
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- if you were Icelandic. - Not a bad idea.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- Yes, nice name!- When they marry... - That would be her surname.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- ..the women don't take the man's name, they keep their father's name. - Exactly right.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28The only thing I know about Iceland. And that everyone's on the edge.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- I'd be Royson.- Oh, yeah.- Royson. What's your father's name?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- Er...- Oh! There we are, you see, we've worked it out.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- We've found it. Your father was Malcolm.- Yes. - So you'd be Ross Malcolmson.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44But the point is, there are an enormous number of surnames which are just identical
0:11:44 > 0:11:48so what you shouldn't do is look people up by their surname,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51as you'd do in most books. You'd look them up by their first name.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53And often their profession, as well.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55There's so few people there...
0:11:55 > 0:11:59you could probably just poke your head out the window and go,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02"What's your phone number?"
0:12:02 > 0:12:06At football matches, when somebody goes, "Come on, son!", do all the players go, "Me, or...?"
0:12:06 > 0:12:08LAUGHTER
0:12:08 > 0:12:11One of the oddest things about Iceland is...
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Well, I'll show you. Have a look at this. These are Icelandic.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17What do you reckon they are?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- Legs.- Yes.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22If I were to tell you that those are empty, does that help?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- Hollow legs.- Yeah.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Oh, are they Icelandic cock pants?
0:12:29 > 0:12:34Is it because, like, when you go out on the beach, everything shrinks,
0:12:34 > 0:12:38so you put them on and then it gives you a little bit of profile?
0:12:38 > 0:12:42- A little bit extra.- Are they a pair of trousers? A pair of ski pants?
0:12:42 > 0:12:46- They are a pair of trousers made of human skin.- Nice.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50They are on display at the Icelandic Museum of Witchcraft,
0:12:50 > 0:12:54which is an extraordinary place because Icelandic witchcraft is pretty odd.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59What happens is you ask a friend when he dies, can you have his skin?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01"Can I have your legs?"
0:13:01 > 0:13:04If he gives you permission, you flay the skin below the waist,
0:13:04 > 0:13:08completely, in one piece, and you wear them as tights.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10It gets weirder.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13You then have to steal, from a widow, a coin,
0:13:13 > 0:13:18and you put the coin inside the scrotal area, the sac -
0:13:18 > 0:13:21as you see, the whole thing is more or less complete,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24with a written incantation.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- And then...- You open a bank.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:31APPLAUSE
0:13:33 > 0:13:37And that's how the Icelandic economy works.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41They sort of do, because then the scrotum apparently fills with money.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43That's the incantation.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47They are sort of necropants. There is an official...
0:13:47 > 0:13:51- Necropants!- Yeah.- That's the sort of thing you see advertised at three o'clock in the morning.
0:13:51 > 0:13:56- "Do you want necropants?" - The Icelandic name is nabrok.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59But we were talking about the Icelandic phone book.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03I've got another interesting thing about phone books, a little task.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06A Christmas party game. I've got these phone books here
0:14:06 > 0:14:09and they have been interleaved.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12There's no glue or anything. They are like a pack of cards.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- One page goes inside another. - That must have taken ages.- It did.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Our props people are very proud of their work.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- There you are.- We'll share.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21All I want you to do, you've got ropes, there,
0:14:21 > 0:14:23is just pull them apart.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25You can take one each.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29- Pull them apart. - It can't be done.- Go on.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33You can't, can you? You literally can't. It's quite extraordinary.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Strong as Brian is. - Pull, Brian. Pull!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Sean's alive!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:58 > 0:15:01How come your water wasn't spilt? That's magical.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Yes, it's an old trick.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06Me and Brian have been doing this trick for years.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I was trying to sit on top of my tipped-up chair.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12A man as strong as Brian,
0:15:12 > 0:15:17he may be able to pull Sean off his chair, but it can't be done.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20In fact, you need 8,000lbs of force in order to do it. It's bizarre.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24It's friction, and it's just replicated each time. I know.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26If you loosen them...
0:15:27 > 0:15:30This time it's me!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32- It's personal.- Having a tantrum.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:43 > 0:15:45APPLAUSE
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Still can't do it!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Has anyone got a lighter?
0:16:04 > 0:16:08No. And you can stop reading the escort pages as well.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Very good eyesight from there!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14I know my Alan!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- Well, there you are. - WOMAN CACKLES
0:16:16 > 0:16:18The fact is, yes, surprising as it...
0:16:18 > 0:16:21LAUGHTER
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Nurse, she's out of bed again!
0:16:24 > 0:16:27From Iceland to Alaska.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31The Eskimo-Indian Olympics have been held every year since 1961.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Phone books are not involved, but these are.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37More toys for you to play with.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Voila. Voila.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42And I'm afraid you have to be prepared to get sticky.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47These lubed rods, here, which are very icky.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52He's been trying to get me to do this for years.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57Sorry, Stephen, but this contravenes my superinjunction.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02APPLAUSE
0:17:04 > 0:17:07All you have to do is work out what the sports are
0:17:07 > 0:17:10in the World Eskimo-Indian Olympics, as they're now called.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- That's obviously... - You can play it with Brian.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16It's actually...
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Each ones of these games is, like most games,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22to hone the skills you need
0:17:22 > 0:17:24for the environment in which you live.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- Is this a two-person game?- It is. You each...- Is it fire?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Leave the string for the moment and grab the stick and...
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- It's all right. - Is that what I think it is?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38No, you have to do it with your hands. No.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40That's it.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44It's the one who can, without twisting or jerking,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46the one who can get the stick off the other.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- SEAN:- Oh, Christ, I've got no chance!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Woo-hoo!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56There you can see them doing it.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Well, have a go.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02This time... This time you're going on the floor.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- There you go.- You're holding my hand there, Brian.- Sorry!
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- No twisting or jerking.- Hold on to one side.- My hands are too big.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- Can you go...- Oh, look!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Fabulous.
0:18:28 > 0:18:34- Fabulous. And we have a string game yet to play.- Oh, great(!)
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- Let me guess. We have to wrap round our balls and pull.- No, we don't.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41You do have to wrap it around an organ.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43That's it! Forget it!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Fortunately, not an organ of generation.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50An auditory organ, one of your ears.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Each wraps it around the ear.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55You wrap the other end round your ear and you pull.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59With your ear! With your ear!
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Come on boys, be brave.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Is it round your ear? - It's a pain endurance test.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- I'll go round the other ear. - Look what's happened to his ear.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I don't want that to happen to my ear!
0:19:12 > 0:19:15As you can see from the photograph,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18it's... Endurance and pain are really the...
0:19:18 > 0:19:20You've got glasses on.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Hello.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- I've got quite springy ears.- Is that an advantage or disadvantage?
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- It's a disadvantage, because they're very, very springy.- Wow!
0:19:32 > 0:19:37I declare the winner there Brian. Who's been winning on your side?
0:19:37 > 0:19:42- You've turned it into a plait. - I cheated, look. I've tied it.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Definitely cheating.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49These are official sports of the Eskimo Olympics. It's a very fine part of the world,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52I don't know if you've ever been there? It's very beautiful.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- You've been there, I'm sure.- Yes. - Icy wastes.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57You told me an interesting thing I didn't know about Canada.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Yes. I went on an expedition to the North Pole in 2004.
0:20:01 > 0:20:07It goes to 70 degrees below zero and 60 degrees wind-chill factor.
0:20:07 > 0:20:12And, I mean, when you want to have a pee you've got 25 seconds to have a piss, or your cock'll fall off.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14LAUGHTER And the thing is...
0:20:14 > 0:20:16That's motivation!
0:20:16 > 0:20:21The astonishing thing is that as we approached the Magnetic North Pole,
0:20:21 > 0:20:26suddenly you could feel the magnetism.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- And my hair stood on end...- Wow!- Yes!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Everything was titillated!
0:20:32 > 0:20:35And at that moment, I felt this great earthquake,
0:20:35 > 0:20:40and up came a great Russian Typhoon submarine,
0:20:40 > 0:20:45and it came through the ice, and the men got off and so forth,
0:20:45 > 0:20:51- and they called me Father Christmas. - You must have given them the fright of their life!- I know!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I've got ice down here, and I sang...
0:20:53 > 0:20:56SINGS OPERATICALLY
0:21:01 > 0:21:03LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Fantastic!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07It was wonderful.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Very, very good.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15Now, in 1845, Sir John Franklin led an expedition to the Arctic
0:21:15 > 0:21:19to discover the Northwest Passage. A group of his men
0:21:19 > 0:21:21set off across the ice
0:21:21 > 0:21:28with a sled-load of button polish, handkerchiefs, curtain rods
0:21:28 > 0:21:30and a writing desk.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Why? What were they doing?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35"NOBODY KNOWS" FANFARE
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Yes! You are right!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Well done.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48My assumption is that, sadly, none of them made it back.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52No, they didn't. It was one of the most disastrous expeditions in history.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56They were off on a sled-boot sale.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01It was 128 men, all perished in this expedition.
0:22:01 > 0:22:0635 different rescue parties tried over decades to find them, and find out what happened.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10It wasn't until the 1980s that it was discovered precisely what happened to them.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15Their bodies were well preserved in ice. Do you know what it was that they discovered?
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Laurence Llewelyn Bowen going, "Those curtains are terrible."
0:22:19 > 0:22:22It was discovered that their bodies
0:22:22 > 0:22:24were filled with toxic levels of lead,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26and they had gone on the expedition
0:22:26 > 0:22:31with some very early examples of canned food, and the solder that was used was lead-solder.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Lead poisoning, amongst other things,
0:22:33 > 0:22:37can make people have mass delusions, and so these poor people
0:22:37 > 0:22:40loaded the sled with button polish, and handkerchiefs,
0:22:40 > 0:22:43and a writing desk, and went off into the wasteland.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47I know it sounds funny, but it is awful, isn't it?
0:22:47 > 0:22:52I imagine they went to open a really disappointing shop. A pound shop on ice.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55We know from the archaeology of it that that is what they did,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58but as Alan rightly said, nobody knows WHY they did it,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01except that it was some sort of delusion that they must've had.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04At the other end of the world, what did Captain Scott
0:23:04 > 0:23:07take to the Antarctic to keep his lads entertained?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10A first edition of Razzle.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13LAUGHTER
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Yeah, cos he was going to take strippers, but out there,
0:23:15 > 0:23:18so many clothes, they're just sat there going, "Oh, come on."
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- It was for musical entertainment. - A gramophone.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25- There was a gramophone on the second one, but more extraordinarily... - A triangle.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- Much more extraordinarily.- A piano.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- Not just a piano...- Hammond organ.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32A player-piano, a pianola.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35You know, the kind that plays itself,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- with a piano roll. - I bet they were delighted!
0:23:38 > 0:23:41I used to have one of those, you do it with your feet...
0:23:41 > 0:23:46Right, you power it with your pedals and the punch paper goes through, and it plays itself like that.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I suppose they figured that out there it's so cold,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- you wouldn't want to be playing the piano.- Oddly enough...
0:23:52 > 0:23:54If you did have your gloves on it'd be a right racket.
0:23:54 > 0:23:59On one of his first expeditions he took a real piano, only to discover that nobody on board could play.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00So when he went on the second one,
0:24:00 > 0:24:04this company were very pleased to furnish him with the pianola,
0:24:04 > 0:24:08being this exciting piece of modern technology, and 20 rolls.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11And on the final expedition, on which they all perished,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14another company got in and gave them another pianola with 250 rolls,
0:24:14 > 0:24:16each one being a different piece of music.
0:24:16 > 0:24:22And he actually took it off the ship! It took real effort to get it on land, to the first base camp,
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- just so they could have music.- They didn't drag it to the Pole with them?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28No, that would have been a bit silly.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Leave it there. You get there, there's loads of others. Amundsen's taken a whole band.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33LAUGHTER
0:24:33 > 0:24:37It was very interesting, to put a kind of sad note to the story,
0:24:37 > 0:24:41that of course Scott got there and he went on the known route,
0:24:41 > 0:24:45which was tough, going up the glaciers and so forth,
0:24:45 > 0:24:49but Amundsen of course went a different route, and found it was easy. And he was lucky.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53- So he got there days before Scott did.- When Scott got there he discovered the Norwegian flag.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56When Scott got there he saw the Norwegian flag,
0:24:56 > 0:24:59and then Scott coming back was depressed and so forth,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02and they all died, gradually, one by one, etc.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06But Amundsen got back to Norway, and he was in the bath,
0:25:06 > 0:25:14and his wife came into the bathroom and said, "Scott has died on the way back from the South Pole!"
0:25:14 > 0:25:17- And Amundsen said, "He's beaten me!" - Oh, really?
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Yes. Because he meant, by dying, it was "Scott of the Antarctic"
0:25:21 > 0:25:25- and not "Amundsen of the Antarctic". - He became a hero.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- He became a hero. - What he should have said was,
0:25:27 > 0:25:29"Can I have his piano?"
0:25:29 > 0:25:31LAUGHTER
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Well, the one on the left of the photograph is the famous Oates,
0:25:34 > 0:25:38who sacrificed his life, who left the tent and said, "I may be some time."
0:25:38 > 0:25:41And there's Scott in the middle. Do you remember,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44rather moving, the last words he wrote in his diary?
0:25:44 > 0:25:48"We took risks, we knew we were taking them, and things have come out against us,
0:25:48 > 0:25:50"therefore we have no reason to complain."
0:25:50 > 0:25:54- He ended with the words, "For God's sake, look after our people."- Yes.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Er, while we're in the Antarctic, what happens when a penguin
0:25:57 > 0:25:59steps on a land mine?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- I dare say nothing at all. SEAN:- It flies.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05LAUGHTER
0:26:05 > 0:26:07It either goes off or it doesn't.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I'm going it doesn't.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Surely the land mines would be frozen, would they?
0:26:12 > 0:26:15So it would just...cruise over.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18If a human stood on them they'd be blown up. Alan is absolutely right.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- BRIAN: They're too light. - They're too light.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25That may seem rather irrelevant except there is a place on Earth
0:26:25 > 0:26:29where thousands of land mines were laid, which is...
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- The Falklands.- The Falkland Islands, by the Argentinians.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36So no humans can go there, and most importantly, no whalers.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39There was a big whaling industry, and rather sadly,
0:26:39 > 0:26:44because there are not many trees on the Falklands, what the whalers did is they captured the whale,
0:26:44 > 0:26:48and they wanted to burn the, you know, to boil it up so they'd get
0:26:48 > 0:26:51the whale oil, which is where all the money was.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54There are no trees to burn, so they used to burn penguins.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Penguins have a lot of oil under themselves as well,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00so they'd use the penguin oil to make the fire to burn the whales,
0:27:00 > 0:27:04and the population went down from ten million to a very small number.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09- But since the land mines...- "Chuck another penguin on the fire, son."
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- I know! It's terrible! - "What are you doing?"
0:27:11 > 0:27:15"I'm just burning some penguins so I can boil up this whale."
0:27:15 > 0:27:20- I know! It is absurd.- That's a job. - But the beauty of it is,
0:27:20 > 0:27:23it's one of the laws of unintended consequences -
0:27:23 > 0:27:26because of these land mines, the whalers can't go anywhere near it.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29The penguins are now multiplying and doing really well.
0:27:29 > 0:27:34The penguins have now evolved fingers, they stand there going...
0:27:34 > 0:27:36The penguins are now laying more mines.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- Yes!- Branching out.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43Now, where's the best place to look for the abominable snowman?
0:27:43 > 0:27:47- I think this is an area of your expertise.- Yeah, yeah, on your left.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50I'll start it all off for the lads. Yes, yes, yes.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Of course, you are looking at one.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57It is called Sasquatch, Bigfoot in Canada,
0:27:57 > 0:28:01and in Russia it is called the Almas Giant, or the Yeti,
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Sukpa, or Meh-Teh-Ma.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Then in China they have their own hairy men,
0:28:05 > 0:28:08and it is Sukpa, Meh-Teh-Ma out there as well, Yeti.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11And then in Sumatra it is called Orang Pendek,
0:28:11 > 0:28:14or "upright man," not meaning an orang-utan.
0:28:14 > 0:28:19There is no doubt at all that yetis obviously do exist.
0:28:19 > 0:28:24There are great parts of the world that we don't know about.
0:28:24 > 0:28:30When I was in Mongolia, the Mongols were telling me that in the late autumn you get migrations
0:28:30 > 0:28:35of dozens and dozens and dozens of Almas Giants,
0:28:35 > 0:28:37and they see them in the distance.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41So, I want to go out there one day, and go to northern Mongolia
0:28:41 > 0:28:44and just go... BELLOWING ROAR
0:28:44 > 0:28:47And I think that might scare them off.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Brilliant. Well, that's fantastic, thank you very much.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54APPLAUSE
0:28:54 > 0:28:57There are some who are disbelievers. You are a believer?
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Yes, from the different people I meet, the trackers I meet.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03You have to remember that the large mountain gorilla
0:29:03 > 0:29:05was only discovered about 90 years ago.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09- Yes.- That's a giant mountain gorilla in Rwanda.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13There are so many more discoveries. We are discovering them all the time.
0:29:13 > 0:29:14There is so much to discover.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17So I think, I don't think we've scratched the surface yet.
0:29:17 > 0:29:22And there are indeed centres for the study of them. One in Siberia, and one in the Bhutanese area.
0:29:22 > 0:29:26- Bhutan has a Yeti Park, that's right. - It's a hell of a thought.
0:29:26 > 0:29:30Well, that is a brilliant answer, and completely correct, of course.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34Now, where did Queen Victoria get her ice from?
0:29:34 > 0:29:35Hmm!
0:29:35 > 0:29:40- She liked ice in her drink. - Would it come down the Thames?
0:29:40 > 0:29:45- It was imported, I'll tell you that. - From icebergs.- Not icebergs, no.
0:29:45 > 0:29:51For a time it was the world's most famous lake, because it provided ice for the Royal Families of Europe,
0:29:51 > 0:29:56and its name was synonymous with "ice" before refrigeration allowed us to make ice ourselves.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59And it was called Lake Wenham. It still exists, it's now a reservoir
0:29:59 > 0:30:03outside Boston, Massachusetts. It was a man called Tudor
0:30:03 > 0:30:06who had the brilliant idea of chopping it all up - there it is
0:30:06 > 0:30:09being chopped up and sent to Britain.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11There was a shop in the Strand with a huge block of ice,
0:30:11 > 0:30:15and they had a newspaper behind the ice to show its clarity.
0:30:15 > 0:30:19Crowds would gather round. You could read the newspaper through the clear ice,
0:30:19 > 0:30:21and it was the wonder of the age.
0:30:21 > 0:30:25You had to be very rich to afford it, because it had come a long way.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27But it would last a long time, and it was Lake Wenham ice.
0:30:27 > 0:30:32- Wow.- Gosh.- Good bit of American enterprise.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35I bet he was pissed off the day they invented the refrigerator.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37I'm sure he was.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41They tried to suggest that frozen lake ice was actually better for you,
0:30:41 > 0:30:43was clearer and more pure.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46Now, why did the Spanish Duke of Alba
0:30:46 > 0:30:48order 7,000 pairs of ice skates?
0:30:48 > 0:30:50Because he was a millipede.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:53 > 0:30:54Good answer.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00You can't see from that picture.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Thousands of legs.
0:31:02 > 0:31:06Any thoughts as to why he might have ordered 7,000 pairs of ice skates?
0:31:06 > 0:31:10He wanted to wipe it out. He went, "I hate ice skating.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13"I'm going to buy all the boots and it'll just die out."
0:31:13 > 0:31:18- We're talking the 17th century. - That's what I'd do.- The Pope...
0:31:18 > 0:31:20- With show-jumping, though.- Right.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22I'd buy all the horses.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26- Why don't you just buy...? - And all those funny blocks
0:31:26 > 0:31:29that look like walls you've never seen before, buy all those.
0:31:29 > 0:31:33And then show-jumping would be finished forever.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36- So trying to wipe out ice-skating as a sport?- Yes. Yeah.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38- Be a good James Bond plot, wouldn't it?- 17th century.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41Instead of trying to take over the world,
0:31:41 > 0:31:43I'm trying to stop show-jumping.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46James Bond's got to get me and kill me, before...
0:31:46 > 0:31:49Trouble is, though, you've got all them obstacles.
0:31:49 > 0:31:54You've got all them obstacles in your garden, and you've bought the horses,
0:31:54 > 0:31:56they're going to... It's in their nature.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59- They're going to be doing it in the garden.- Yeah.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01- You'll look out... - Hoisted by my own petard.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03- Exactly.- Yes.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06- Is it to do with the Inquisition? - Not quite.
0:32:06 > 0:32:11It was to do with the Pope, who in his glory and humility and wisdom and Christian charity
0:32:11 > 0:32:15sentenced the entire population of the Netherlands to death
0:32:15 > 0:32:17for heresy, because they'd gone...
0:32:17 > 0:32:20- He'd thought it through. - ..because they'd gone Protestant.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23He decided they should all die. Spain being a Catholic kingdom
0:32:23 > 0:32:27decided they would be the ones to invade the Netherlands,
0:32:27 > 0:32:31and the enterprising Dutch, in one battle when it was very cold,
0:32:31 > 0:32:34the Spaniards attacked them and the Dutch came out on skates!
0:32:34 > 0:32:40Because they were used to skating up and down their canals. They left hundreds of Spaniards dead.
0:32:40 > 0:32:44the Duke of Alba determined it should never happen again,
0:32:44 > 0:32:48so he ordered 7,000 pairs of ice skates so the Spanish army would be prepared for war on ice.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50- It was never used.- I tell you what.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53There is a Saturday night programme...
0:32:53 > 0:32:54LAUGHTER
0:32:54 > 0:32:57It's Celebrity War On Ice!
0:32:57 > 0:33:01- Wouldn't it be great? - "Here come the Spanish - they've never skated before!"
0:33:01 > 0:33:04"Look out, Manuel, it's cold!" Whoops!
0:33:04 > 0:33:07True entertainment. There you are.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09That's a true story, and an interesting one.
0:33:09 > 0:33:14So you've all done very well, so you can have a reward.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16This is an ice cream.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19Pass yours to Sean there and then keep one for yourself, Brian.
0:33:19 > 0:33:23There's spoons as well. Well done, Alan, very good.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25- Ooh, cold, ooh! - It is ice cream, yeah.
0:33:25 > 0:33:30- I love a long spoon.- I just want you to give me some tasting notes on it, basically.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Tell me what you think of it.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35- Is it going to be breast milk? - No, it's not.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38There was, wasn't there? There was a breast milk...
0:33:38 > 0:33:42- It's Turkish, in fact. Turkish ice cream.- Very lovely.
0:33:42 > 0:33:46- The odd thing is, I have to tell you...- Is it a body part?
0:33:46 > 0:33:48- It is fox testicle ice cream. - Fox testicle.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51LAUGHTER
0:33:51 > 0:33:53APPLAUSE
0:33:57 > 0:33:58- SEAN:- I knew it!
0:34:00 > 0:34:04I'm a slave to a fox's bollock, me.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06Well, I'm playing with words here.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09It's not actually from the testicles of a fox.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12- Oh, what?! - I'm sorry to disappoint you!
0:34:12 > 0:34:16Its actual name in Turkish, if I get this right, is salepi dondurma,
0:34:16 > 0:34:18and it means "fox testicles".
0:34:18 > 0:34:22"Salep" means the same as an English word we use for a flower,
0:34:22 > 0:34:25from the Greek for "testicle", which is "orchis".
0:34:25 > 0:34:28And the orchid, because of the shape of its root,
0:34:28 > 0:34:29comes from the word testicle.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31And this is made from a particular orchid.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33- Do you like the taste? - It's delightful!
0:34:33 > 0:34:35It's better than a kick in the orchids.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38- Wahey! Exactly. - Or even the testicles.
0:34:38 > 0:34:39LAUGHTER
0:34:39 > 0:34:42We call it the Early Purple Orchid.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Aww.
0:34:44 > 0:34:48I'm glad you like it. It is a delicacy, but unfortunately it's becoming an endangered orchid.
0:34:48 > 0:34:52- It's now illegal to export it. - We've just eaten one!- I know!
0:34:52 > 0:34:55And now, an icy chill strikes the cockles as we brave
0:34:55 > 0:34:58the frozen wastes of general ignorance.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01So, frostbitten fingers on your buzzers as we ask, quickly,
0:35:01 > 0:35:07- what are igloos usually made from? - CHURCH BELLS RINGING
0:35:07 > 0:35:10- Blue ice?- Oh!
0:35:10 > 0:35:13KLAXON SOUNDS
0:35:13 > 0:35:15No. You get a forfeit. They are not made of ice, at all.
0:35:15 > 0:35:19- They are made from glue. - Nice thought.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23- Is it an Apple glue? Are they actually iGlues?- iGlue?
0:35:23 > 0:35:25Very good.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:29 > 0:35:31- iGlue!- Very good.
0:35:31 > 0:35:36No. They're usually made from Caribou hide.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38That is the usual igloo, very, very rare for them
0:35:38 > 0:35:42to be made out of blocks of snow of cartoonists' fame.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45There's your typical igloo, and there's your cliche igloo,
0:35:45 > 0:35:47which is very rare.
0:35:47 > 0:35:51Now, what do you say to a husky, to make it go?
0:35:54 > 0:35:57I like that, that's a good shot of Brian.
0:35:57 > 0:36:02- Most people think that you're supposed to say...- Mush?
0:36:02 > 0:36:04In fact, for years that hasn't been said.
0:36:04 > 0:36:09Mush actually comes from the French "marche". Just meaning "go."
0:36:09 > 0:36:13I thought it was just cockneys, "Come on, mush.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15"Come on, dogs, all in, all in."
0:36:15 > 0:36:18- So there are trends in what huskies respond to?- Very much so.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21So the huskies, if you say "mush" now,
0:36:21 > 0:36:23they would go "Oh, that is so..."
0:36:23 > 0:36:26"That is so last year."
0:36:26 > 0:36:28You've got to say "wicked," or "sick."
0:36:28 > 0:36:31Well, possibly, possibly wicked or sick.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33They say "Hike-on" or "Hike."
0:36:33 > 0:36:37- The fact is, they're so keen to do it, aren't they?- Yes.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39They get fantastically excited and happy.
0:36:39 > 0:36:43It is one of the most exhilarating things you can do. It is fantastic.
0:36:43 > 0:36:47It's interesting, when I did go to Mongolia,
0:36:47 > 0:36:52in actual fact, the Mongols have mainly huskies and wolves.
0:36:52 > 0:36:53They don't have dogs.
0:36:53 > 0:36:57When I had a fire woman mending all the fires,
0:36:57 > 0:36:59she had a great big bloody wolf.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03He was in my tent, he slept with me, this wonderful wolf. It adored me.
0:37:03 > 0:37:06I gave it Mars Bars, and things like that.
0:37:08 > 0:37:11She said, "He will climb with you, go climb."
0:37:11 > 0:37:16And I climbed 14,000 feet up this ridge, and I climbed it with a wolf.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18We came back down, got back into my tent.
0:37:18 > 0:37:22You have to understand, ladies and gentlemen, even at my age,
0:37:22 > 0:37:25in my 70s, I'm a randy bastard.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28I was missing my wife horribly.
0:37:28 > 0:37:34I took this great big bloody wolf, looked at his face, and I just went,
0:37:34 > 0:37:37# Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme What I cry for
0:37:37 > 0:37:42# You know you got the kind of kisses that I'd die for
0:37:42 > 0:37:45# You know you made me love you... #
0:37:45 > 0:37:48HUMS AND HOWLS
0:37:48 > 0:37:50He absolutely adored me.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53Right, you know earlier,
0:37:53 > 0:37:56you were saying you don't suffer from altitude sickness...?
0:37:56 > 0:37:58I think you do.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02I think we've worked out,
0:38:02 > 0:38:05we know why Brian's huskies were going so fast.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08"Hike, hike!" "Quickly, boys, he's gaining on us."
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Dear God.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13The whole time they're pulling him,
0:38:13 > 0:38:19"He's still there! Come on. Bastard, he's fast!"
0:38:19 > 0:38:23Well, they are extraordinary animals.
0:38:23 > 0:38:27A 73-strong team once pulled a ten-tonne truck.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29- They are pretty impressive animals. - They are amazing.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33Now, what can you see here? Have a look.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35- What's that?- Ooh!- Aah!
0:38:35 > 0:38:36BELL JANGLES
0:38:36 > 0:38:40- It's not what you think it is. - It's not the Loch Ness Monster. - It's a hoax.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43- Absolutely right, it's a forgery. - It's a famous hoax.
0:38:43 > 0:38:48- Do you know why the forgery was made?- Yes, I read a book... - There must have been a cash prize...
0:38:48 > 0:38:52It wasn't that, actually - it was revenge, oddly enough.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55It was a journalist - Marmaduke Wetherell.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57Marmaduke Wetherell, yes!
0:38:57 > 0:39:02He, er... Yes, of course. Shut up, I know something!
0:39:02 > 0:39:04I actually know something. Yes.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07Marmaduke Wetherell was a big game hunter.
0:39:07 > 0:39:12And he was... There was a competition, er...
0:39:12 > 0:39:14LAUGHTER
0:39:14 > 0:39:17Shut your face! I actually... Years, I've...
0:39:17 > 0:39:21Years and years I've waited, I know about Marmaduke Wetherell.
0:39:21 > 0:39:25I remember at the time, I thought, "That's going to come in handy some time."
0:39:25 > 0:39:28And then thought, "Probably not," but turns out it is.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32There was a competition, er, by one of the newspapers,
0:39:32 > 0:39:35to prove that the Loch Ness Monster existed.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38So Marmaduke Wetherell cut the legs off a hippo,
0:39:38 > 0:39:43and he made fake footprints with the severed hippo legs,
0:39:43 > 0:39:47and then presumably he got found out...
0:39:47 > 0:39:51- It's...- If you say no, I'll punch you in the face.
0:39:51 > 0:39:55You're really close. The point is, he wanted the prize.
0:39:55 > 0:39:59He was fooled by the artificial hippo footprints,
0:39:59 > 0:40:05and he went to the Daily Mail and said "I've found these footprints," and the Daily Mail published them.
0:40:05 > 0:40:10The Natural History Museum saw them and said, "This is a fake. These are hippo footprints."
0:40:10 > 0:40:14And he was fired by the Daily Mail. And he was so angry that he then put together
0:40:14 > 0:40:19this hoax, with someone else, whose name was...Christian Spurling,
0:40:19 > 0:40:23and many people believed that to be Nessie. And finally,
0:40:23 > 0:40:27to round off this merry edition of QI,
0:40:27 > 0:40:33let's see if we can perform, between us, a Christmassy song.
0:40:33 > 0:40:38You've each got some bells. Now, this could be a disaster.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41Put on your hats, there's a darling.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46I don't mean to alarm you, but mine has a fuse.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51- Now, have you got one of these cards here?- It's really tight.
0:40:51 > 0:40:55You see those bells? Your bells are numbered,
0:40:55 > 0:41:00and you should have a card, and we're going to see if... That's it.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03- Tuning up. - Have you got your numbers clear?
0:41:03 > 0:41:05For God's sake don't do that. Stephen's butler'll turn up.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07Oh, Lord bless us all.
0:41:07 > 0:41:11- I've got a baton.- "You rang, sir?"
0:41:11 > 0:41:14We're going to try and play a Christmassy tune. OK?
0:41:14 > 0:41:16Are you ready? Have you got your numbers?
0:41:16 > 0:41:19Can you see the numbers on your cards? One, two, three.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21- One. - DING
0:41:21 > 0:41:22- Four, four. - DING
0:41:22 > 0:41:24- Five. - DING
0:41:24 > 0:41:27- Four, three, two, two. - DINGING
0:41:27 > 0:41:30- Two, five, five, six. - DINGING
0:41:30 > 0:41:33- Five, four, three, one. - DINGING
0:41:33 > 0:41:36- One, six, six, seven. - DINGING
0:41:36 > 0:41:39- Six, five, four, two. - DINGING
0:41:39 > 0:41:40- One, one, two, five. - DINGING
0:41:40 > 0:41:44- Three, four. - DINGING
0:41:44 > 0:41:46Well done.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:48 > 0:41:49Brilliant.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53Staggering.
0:41:55 > 0:41:59Such musicianship. Most impressive.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02And with that, we must look at the horrible cacophony of the scores.
0:42:02 > 0:42:06And it makes absolutely fascinating Christmas reading.
0:42:06 > 0:42:10I'm sorry to say that in last place, with minus eight, it's Sean Lock.
0:42:10 > 0:42:12APPLAUSE
0:42:14 > 0:42:20In third place, with a very creditable minus three, it's Ross Noble.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22APPLAUSE
0:42:24 > 0:42:29Our first-timer, in second place, with minus two, Brian Blessed.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:32 > 0:42:37But, do my eyes deceive me? With plus nine,
0:42:37 > 0:42:39a runaway winner, Alan Davies!
0:42:39 > 0:42:41CHEERING
0:42:41 > 0:42:44Well, there you are.
0:42:48 > 0:42:52So all that's left for me is to thank Brian, Sean, Ross, and of course Alan,
0:42:52 > 0:42:56and to leave you with this comforting thought from RG Daniels -
0:42:56 > 0:42:59"The most delightful advantage of being bald
0:42:59 > 0:43:01"is that one can hear snowflakes."
0:43:01 > 0:43:03Good night, and a very merry Christmas!
0:43:15 > 0:43:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:18 > 0:43:21Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk