0:00:23 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Good...evening!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Good evening. Good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39and welcome to an absolutely choice edition of QI,
0:00:39 > 0:00:42which is all about indecision.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46All in a dither tonight are A, Jimmy Carr...
0:00:46 > 0:00:49CHEERING
0:00:49 > 0:00:52- ..B, Rich Hall... - CHEERING
0:00:53 > 0:00:57- ..C, Phill Jupitus - CHEERING
0:00:59 > 0:01:03..or D, none of the above, Alan Davies.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06CHEERING
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Your buzzers are designed to help you make up your mind.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- Jimmy goes... - WOMAN: "Turn right. Turn right."
0:01:15 > 0:01:19- Phill goes... - WOMAN: "Turn left. Turn left."
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- Rich goes... - WOMAN: "Turn round. Turn round."
0:01:21 > 0:01:27- And Alan goes... - MAN: "Excuse me, sir. Is this your vehicle? Are you sure?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30"Would you blow into this bag, please, sir?"
0:01:30 > 0:01:33And don't forget your "nobody knows" jokers.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Have you got them there?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36FANFARE "Nobody knows."
0:01:36 > 0:01:40There is a question, to which the answer is "nobody knows".
0:01:40 > 0:01:42If you can flag it up, you get extra points.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47Now, why was this tosser thrown out of The Magic Circle?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50"Tosser" is a technical term in this particular -
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Was he using real magic?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55That's not the reason, but it's a damn good thought.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- What gets you thrown out of The Magic Circle? - Giving away the secrets.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Yes. This guy, John Lenahan, was thrown out of The Magic Circle
0:02:03 > 0:02:07for giving away a particular - a very famous -
0:02:07 > 0:02:11you just have to buy a book and you know how to do it.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14He said if he'd been a murderer, he'd have be out of prison by now,
0:02:14 > 0:02:20but he's out of The Magic Circle for life because he appeared on Des Lynam's "How Do They Do That?"
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- and revealed...- Oh, Lynam!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24..one of the classic card scams
0:02:24 > 0:02:28that is used on street corners to make money.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- Oh! Find the Lady.- Or as they call it in America, Three-card Monte.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- Exactly.- Because Find the Lady...
0:02:34 > 0:02:39I prefer Three-card Monte because Find the Lady - I had a really bad experience in Thailand once.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- Did you feel a bit of a dick?! - LAUGHTER
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Oh, I'm sorry!
0:02:45 > 0:02:48APPLAUSE
0:02:50 > 0:02:53And they've always got the guy that comes up and goes,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56"Oh, this looks pretty good, everyone. I might have a go at this."
0:02:56 > 0:02:59You're right. They have shills - the guys who say...
0:02:59 > 0:03:02They put the money down and are paid out, you know.
0:03:02 > 0:03:07- We've given you some money. Have you got it there?- OK.- I have some to pay you, in case you get it right.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Here you are. Watch the screen. All you have to do is find the lady.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Watch and then... There we go.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19- There she is.- Oh, OK. - Keep your eyes on her.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21OK, which is she?
0:03:21 > 0:03:25- Left.- You're saying the left? - Yes.- Middle.- Middle?!
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- Audience?- ALL: Left. - It's obviously the left.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Here you are. Course it's on the left.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33You just follow it with your eyes.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Let's have another go. This time, we'll do it for money now you've got the idea.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Keep your eyes on the lady.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- There she is.- OK.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52- OK. Where's she gone?- Right, OK, you three put that on a card each,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55and I will stick this in a lady's knickers in the audience.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59That's a whole other game! That's a whole other lady to find.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01There's a lady put her hand up over there.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05- She put her hand up what? - LAUGHTER
0:04:07 > 0:04:11That's the trouble with this game. You always want to see it a second time.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15- Place your bets.- I'm going left. - Left. OK.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16I'm going left.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- Right.- Right.- Left.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Three lefts and a right.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Audience, how many think left?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Oh, most of you.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29How many think middle?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Only very few. How many think right? Actually, the majority think right.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35OK, let's show.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- It is indeed the left! - Two in a row! Come on!
0:04:37 > 0:04:43- That's brilliant.- That's it, I'm getting my real money out. I'm on a roll!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45That's the time to quit!
0:04:45 > 0:04:49I ought to explain when talking about John Lenahan,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52when I called him a tosser, that is the name for the guy who does that trick.
0:04:52 > 0:04:57It's called tossing. You can win a lot of money by tossing.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- Argh!- What the...?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01LAUGHTER
0:05:05 > 0:05:09I think somebody thought it was real money. Anyway... Interesting.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- OK.- What the hell was that? - We'll find out, maybe or maybe not.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- OK, so -- I'm not in on that, I just want you to know!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Anyway, John Lenahan was expelled from The Magic Circle
0:05:21 > 0:05:24for exposing the secret of Find the Lady on TV.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27The real secret is, even if you choose correctly,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30someone is likely to run off with the money,
0:05:30 > 0:05:31because that's the way they work.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Now for something beginning with "I" you wouldn't choose in 100 years.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Who expected the Spanish Inquisition?
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Was it... Er... Was it...
0:05:40 > 0:05:43No. LAUGHTER
0:05:43 > 0:05:47According to Monty Python, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49But, in fact, they couldn't be more wrong.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Was it the Ku Klux Klan? Because those two fellas...
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Yeah, it's true. They did wear similar...
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- PHILL:- I thought that was the Pet Shop Boys.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58LAUGHTER
0:05:58 > 0:06:02That's one of their best videos, actually. It's very moody.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06The fact is, the Spanish Inquisition always gave you 30 days' notice.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- They said... - LAUGHTER
0:06:08 > 0:06:12They said, "We're coming to inquisite you," or whatever verb they would use.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16"Is that Mr Rabinowitz? It's the Inquisition here.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19"How are you? Good.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23"We're going to come round and pull your balls out through your mouth."
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"We're in the area.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29"But only for the next 30 days. Take advantage."
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- They gave you 30 days? - They're like the TV licence van!
0:06:33 > 0:06:37They gave you 30 days to prepare and prove that you weren't a heretic.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39You had to wait around the house all day.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44- "They'll be there between eight and five."- Or get a priest! Exactly!
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Or say, "Torture my neighbour. I won't be in.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50"He'll take my torture for me."
0:06:50 > 0:06:55No, it is a surprising thing, perhaps. But when was it instituted?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58It went on for 350 years.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- Give me a century.- 1483.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- I can tell you -- Bloody hell, that's close! Did you say 1483?- Yeah.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Is that a guess?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I'm right!
0:07:17 > 0:07:22It was 1478. But five years... That's very close.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26They called and said, "We're coming around in five years," so in '78...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28LAUGHTER
0:07:28 > 0:07:32You're right. The Spanish took it upon themselves to have their own inquisition.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35There was a Papal Inquisition, but they wanted their own.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38It was an anti-Semitic piece of legislation.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41They doubted that Jews who had to convert to stay in Spain,
0:07:41 > 0:07:45they doubted that they actually really meant it.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50- It was under these rulers of Spain at that time, Ferdinand and Isabella.- Wow!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- Yeah.- She's a dog. - LAUGHTER
0:07:53 > 0:07:57She wouldn't mind you saying that. She would take it on the chin. LAUGHTER
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I went to a Museum of Torture in Spain.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- Did you?- And I thought -
0:08:03 > 0:08:05I didn't know anything about it - but I imagined
0:08:05 > 0:08:08that the Spanish Inquisition was an awful few years.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- Yeah. It was.- But it went on for 350 years.- You're right.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15- And they had lots and lots of implements of torture that really... - Oh, it was grotesque.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19I mean, you can't make it up. But the one that really sticks in my mind is the one where
0:08:19 > 0:08:23you would be impaled through your anus on a very large pole
0:08:23 > 0:08:25that would go up your inside,
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- but miss all your vital organs, and then come out at your shoulder. - Oh, God...
0:08:29 > 0:08:32So it wouldn't kill you and you'd just be there for days.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37Usually, it'd be something public, so you'd be an example.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Did you know they put hanging people from cages full of spikes
0:08:40 > 0:08:43from a pole at the entrance to towns?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46The Catholic Church, you won't be surprised to know,
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- still has the Inquisition.- What?! - It's changed its name. In 1908, it changed to
0:08:50 > 0:08:53the Sacred Congregation of the Holy Office.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56In 1965, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59and the leader under Pope John Paul II was...
0:08:59 > 0:09:03- Who was in charge of it?- Ratzinger. - It was indeed. Our current Pope.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06He was in charge of the Spanish Inquisition, was he?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Not the Spanish.- They're very good at changing their name.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13People talk about the Roman Empire falling. I don't think they fell, they became a church,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- continued on regardless.- Basically.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Now then, given the choice,
0:09:17 > 0:09:23what would be the next best thing to having a Nobel Prize-winner in our audience tonight?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Dennis Leary had a joke about the Peace Prize.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29He said, "I'd kill for one of those." LAUGHTER
0:09:29 > 0:09:35That's very good. There is a sort of seriocomic version of the Nobel Peace Prize.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- Oh, it's the Ig Nobel Awards.- Yes!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40The prize is given to people who usually are genuine scientists
0:09:40 > 0:09:45who have conducted research, some of which is just a little bit weird.
0:09:45 > 0:09:50We have on our left a woman who invented an emergency bra
0:09:50 > 0:09:54that can be torn apart and turned into a gas mask.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Two gas masks, obviously!
0:09:57 > 0:10:01On the right is the inventor of the Ig Nobel Prize, Marc Abrahams.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05I'm proud to say that in our audience, we have a winner of the Ig Nobel Prize,
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Professor Chris McManus! Are you there? There he is!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- Whaa-hey! - APPLAUSE
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- Now... - APPLAUSE
0:10:14 > 0:10:19Professor McManus, they called you in the Press the "Oddball Professor".
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Perhaps you'd like to tell us the reason you won the Ig Nobel Prize.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26I got the prize in 2002
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- for some work that was done half a lifetime earlier in 1976.- Yes?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34And the paper was published in the most prestigious of science journals, Nature,
0:10:34 > 0:10:40and it was called "Scrotal Asymmetry In Man and In Ancient Sculpture".
0:10:40 > 0:10:46- LAUGHTER - So, your work was looking at how male testicles were asymmetrical?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- Precisely.- I've got an issue. Maybe you could help
0:10:49 > 0:10:50because you're an expert.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Perhaps I should examine you afterwards. It's probably easier.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58I think I can explain. One of mine is bigger than the other two.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Very good. You are actually speaking with purpose, aren't you?
0:11:07 > 0:11:13- A higher percentage of men have one ball lower than the other. Tell us which that is.- That's right.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Most people have the right one is higher and the left one is lower.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- Right. - And that's the normal way round.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- Wait a minute.- Which is fine. Yeah, hang on... Oh, whoa...
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- LAUGHTER - For the joker...!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I've got two on the left.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- There's nothing on the right at all! - Right! But...
0:11:36 > 0:11:40the surprising thing is, that in Ancient and indeed Renaissance sculpture,
0:11:40 > 0:11:45- you found... - If you look at Michelangelo's David or any of these great sculptures,
0:11:45 > 0:11:50the right one is higher and the left one is lower AND it's bigger.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- Yes.- Which makes sense, if you think about it.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54LAUGHTER
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Why does that makes sense?
0:11:56 > 0:12:00- You'd expect the heavier one to go lower.- Yes, right. Oh, I see.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- But it's against... - The trouble is, it ain't that way.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- When you get home later, you'll find that...- Oh, no need, man!
0:12:07 > 0:12:10..the higher one is also the bigger one.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13So the Greeks got it wrong. That was where it got interesting.
0:12:13 > 0:12:20That's odd, because they had bodies. Is it because they used mirrors and their own equipment,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22and got it the wrong way round, or was there some other reason?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Their real problem is that they had a theory,
0:12:25 > 0:12:29- and there's nothing more dangerous than a theory that's wrong.- Yes.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34They didn't know what the testicles were for. It seems strange, but they hadn't quite worked it out.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38JIMMY: Mine are purely decorative. LAUGHTER
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- What was the Greek theory? - Aristotle had this charming theory
0:12:41 > 0:12:44that little boys have tiny testicles and very high voices.
0:12:44 > 0:12:49But as you get bigger and you go into puberty, the testicles get bigger,
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- they pull down and they tension the body and the voice gets deeper.- Oh!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56So they thought they were weights to tension the male body.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00LAUGHTER JIMMY: And is that not the case?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Which is why Barry White never did a marathon.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10So for that, you won the Ig Nobel Prize and is that something you are proud of?
0:13:10 > 0:13:14It's something I can't deny. Put it that way.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- Um...- It doesn't go to stupid people but goes to genuine scientists.- Yes.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21At the end of the Nobel Prizes, Marc Abrahams always sends his consolations
0:13:21 > 0:13:25to those who haven't won it and particularly to those who have.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- I also believe you are expected to make an acceptance speech.- I did.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32It's a tradition of the speech to be interrupted by a young girl
0:13:32 > 0:13:34who shouts, "Please stop it, I'm bored!" Is that correct?
0:13:34 > 0:13:39Yes. Marc has the problem that the Oscars and all the other award ceremonies have
0:13:39 > 0:13:42that everybody talks too long and thanks everybody.
0:13:42 > 0:13:47He came up with this device called Little Miss Sweetie Poo - who's a charming eight-year-old girl.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52After 60 seconds she walks across stage and says, "Please stop, I'm bored.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- "Please stop, I'm bored. Please stop, I'm bored."- A brilliant idea.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58You had your own daughters do that job I believe.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02At the show in London... I have identical twin daughters so we had both of them doing
0:14:02 > 0:14:07- "Please stop, I'm bored." "Please stop, I'm bored."- Is not one of them slightly bigger than the other?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Maybe a little shorter?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- Touche.- Oh, that's brilliant.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Well, Professor McManus, thank you very much indeed.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Congratulations.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- That is quite interesting.- That is quite interesting, isn't it?
0:14:24 > 0:14:30Anyway, the next best thing to winning a Nobel Prize is winning an Ig Nobel Prize.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33First they make you laugh and then they make you think.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Here's a tricky decision. Which is more mammaly? A mouse or a hippopotamus?
0:14:37 > 0:14:41- More mammaly?- More mammaly?- Right.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44So is this which one has got breasts?
0:14:44 > 0:14:45No.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Cos a mammal is...
0:14:47 > 0:14:50It's about the way we decide. Indecision is our theme today.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54If you give people tests about categories,
0:14:54 > 0:15:00and you show them certain kinds of items that fit a category. Say you're doing the fruit category
0:15:00 > 0:15:03and you show them an apple and a pear, they think they're both fruit.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06But show them a fig and a raisin and they'll take a bit longer.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11Show them a pumpkin and an olive and they'll take a lot longer. Ooh, are they fruits or are they...?
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- The same with mammals.- Yeah. - People instantly say that a mouse is a mammal.
0:15:15 > 0:15:20A hippotamus? Oh, it's wet and slimy... Oh, of course it's a mammal. It just takes a bit longer.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24I think if I was to stage an all-mouse production of West Side Story...
0:15:24 > 0:15:26STEPHEN CHUCKLES
0:15:26 > 0:15:27HUMS THEME
0:15:27 > 0:15:30LAUGHTER
0:15:30 > 0:15:35The way this is set up there, it does sort of look like the hippo is sneaking up on the mouse.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37It does, doesn't it?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Could we Photoshop a Rizla in that mouse?
0:15:39 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Shall I be really nerdy and say that really you shouldn't say Rizla? Do you know what you should day?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50HIGH-PITCHED: What should you say, Stephen?
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Well, it's French and riz is the French for rice...
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- Yeah.- ..and the company that makes it is Lacroix.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02And you may notice when you see a Rizla packet that sometimes you might have torn the top part off...
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- Why, Stephen?- ..for some reason. For some reason might need
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- a spare piece of cardboard...- Yeah, just to jot...- Yeah, exactly.
0:16:08 > 0:16:13Just to jot down something. An email address. Exactly. But you'll notice
0:16:13 > 0:16:19it says "Riz la" - Rizla, we think - and then there's a big cross.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22And the company's Lacroix which is "the cross".
0:16:22 > 0:16:25It's "rice the cross". It's rice paper made by "the cross" -
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Lacroix. Lacroix is the name of the company.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Stephen, when I get to Glastonbury I'm going to be talking about that for nine hours.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33LAUGHTER
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- See, it's not there. Right. - Look! Look!- The cross. The cross.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40No, where the cross WAS.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I tore that bit off.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I'd love a fajita.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49LAUGHTER
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Anyway I can see I'm boring you.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- Um, here I am...- Not until we get an eight-year-old girl
0:16:54 > 0:16:57running in front of you telling you who you are.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I want the twins!
0:16:59 > 0:17:03One way to tell if something's a mammal is the check whether it has nipples
0:17:03 > 0:17:06which reminds me of a piece of I for Irishness.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09What do you call an Irishman with no nipples?
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- Um, that's Richard Harris of course. - In A Man Called Horse. A great movie, isn't it?
0:17:13 > 0:17:18- I've seen worse.- It seemed extreme at first but now there's guys in Camden Town that have that done.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Yes, it's true.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24- That'd be an Edinburgh show now, wouldn't it? Part of the festival. - Done things ten times worse
0:17:24 > 0:17:29- than that for writing MacArthur Park.- Oh, yes - the cake left out in the rain.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31The cake in the rain. Who cares?
0:17:31 > 0:17:35If my nan left a cake out in the rain it would've absorbed all the rain - she made a very dry cake.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36LAUGHTER
0:17:36 > 0:17:42He didn't actually write, to be fair to Richard Harris - it was written by Jimmy Webb - but he did sing it.
0:17:42 > 0:17:48I think he is guilty of that. This isn't about Richard Harris, this is about Irishmen with no nipples.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53It seems bizarre but there is a real historical point of interest here.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- What could an Irishman never be if he had no nipples?- Symmetric.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58We came back to...
0:17:58 > 0:18:00What?! Symmetric?!
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Going back in the past in Ireland, it's a very peculiar thing
0:18:05 > 0:18:10but part of your way of showing loyalty to your sovereign - if you were an Irish subject
0:18:10 > 0:18:12in the ancient days of the Irish kings -
0:18:12 > 0:18:14was you had to suck their nipples.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER - Right.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19So... And you may say, "OK, but what kind of person doesn't have nipples?"
0:18:19 > 0:18:25There would be fights, contests and people would apply, as it were, to be King of Ireland.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29And if they were found not suitable, they would have their nipples cut off,
0:18:29 > 0:18:34- which meant they could never be King of Ireland.- Sorry? They did it like Britain's Got Talent?!
0:18:34 > 0:18:39- Yes.- This is how Britain's Got Talent should tweak it so that it's the same.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42It would be quite something.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45But there is Old Croghan Man, one of the peat bog discoveries
0:18:45 > 0:18:50He was so well preserved that when he was discovered, it wasn't archaeologists, or museums,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52or anthropologists they contacted - it was the police.
0:18:52 > 0:18:58It was between 300-odd to 100-odd BC that this person had died...
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- The chances of...- He was so well preserved...
0:19:01 > 0:19:06- You would describe it as a cold case. - You would.- No chance of getting a conviction.
0:19:06 > 0:19:12People said, "Oh, my god! Here's this recently killed body." He was found with nipples cut off.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17He appears to have been someone who was deprived ritually of his attribute of kingship
0:19:17 > 0:19:21- before being killed. So there you are.- Wow.- That seems to be the case.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25There are extra points if you can tell me the national colour of Ireland.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- Well this feels like a trap! - It does indeed!
0:19:28 > 0:19:33- That's the flag but that's not necessarily an indication of what the national colour is.- Blue.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Blue is the right answer! - Yes!- Get in!
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Very good!
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Well done, yes. - APPLAUSE
0:19:40 > 0:19:43The fact is it's changed now that everybody thinks it's green.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47And everyone paints themselves green in Chicago and New York
0:19:47 > 0:19:53for Saint Patrick's Day. But Saint Patrick's colour was blue - Saint Patrick's blue.
0:19:53 > 0:19:59The coat of arms of Ireland is a shield of a harp against a ground of Saint Patrick's blue.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03And the Irish Guards are distinct because of the blue in their bearskins.
0:20:03 > 0:20:09So blue was always the colour of Ireland until really in 1798,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11when they had one of their many rebellions.
0:20:11 > 0:20:17And then green became a symbol of Irish nationalism and sort of took over from blue.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Sucking a king's nipples was a gesture of submission in ancient Ireland.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22If you lost yours you couldn't be king.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26You've got a big decision coming up in 40 minutes, imagine, OK?
0:20:26 > 0:20:31What's the best thing you can do now to ensure that you make the right choice?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- Just make the decision now. - STEPHEN CHUCKLES
0:20:34 > 0:20:38No, it's coming up. You may not know what it is, like Dwight here.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Get into a rage. You make the right choices when angry.
0:20:41 > 0:20:46Very well remembered from a previous edition. One of them is anger.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Apparently you make better decisions when you're angry. I'm giving you a clue.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- You're giving me a clue? - Have some water.- Yes.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Lots and lots of water.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- Drink lots of water... - So that in 40 minutes...
0:20:57 > 0:21:01You'll be in the loo and you won't have to make the decision.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Bizarrely, no.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07You'd be popping to go to the loo and that's when we make our best decisions.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11- When we need a wee?- Shut up!- Yes. - Shut up!
0:21:11 > 0:21:13It's true, girlfriend!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16APPLAUSE Shut up!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Absolutely.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23The last decision I made when busting for a piss, was to pull over and have a piss at the side of a road.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Not that that's the best decision I ever made but it happened.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32If you're given a SERIOUS decision to make, it seems...that, for some reason,
0:21:32 > 0:21:36- it somehow allows you to make clearer decisions.- Do you know why I think it is?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I think that's probably right.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42It's conscious versus unconscious mind. Your unconscious mind is the smart bit
0:21:42 > 0:21:47- and the answers bubble up. You know when you're trying to remember something?- Absolutely.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52To not concentrate on that thing, to distract yourself and sometimes it bubbles up organically.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- Exactly.- When you focus on it,
0:21:54 > 0:21:58when you need a pee, that's all you can think about - needing a pee. Suddenly...
0:21:58 > 0:22:03- Or the opposite - a crossword clue pops into your head.- I'm going to try and nail the General Ignorance.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I think I'm definitely going to do Celebrity Mastermind now.
0:22:06 > 0:22:11- You should!- Just 20 bottles of Evian before I go on.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17HE BARKS WORDS
0:22:17 > 0:22:20"Red! Orange! Hitler!
0:22:20 > 0:22:21"I've got to go, John!"
0:22:21 > 0:22:25"Red, orange, Hitler"? I'm trying to think what that would be...
0:22:26 > 0:22:28What is your specialist subject?!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Painting.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32JIMMY: Love it!
0:22:32 > 0:22:37Fair enough. Good one. According to the father of history who was Herodotus, the Greek historian...
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Surely there hadn't been much history?
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- He wrote...- Back then, it was... I mean, when he's talking about,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47it's, "You know, two weeks ago..."
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Has he got his hair woven into his beard?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53It does... It does look all one-piece, doesn't it?
0:22:53 > 0:22:58- A bit of hairdressing.- That's the... But he wrote of the Persians,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01"When they wanted to make a decision, they made a decision drunk
0:23:01 > 0:23:05"and then reviewed it when sober. And if they both tallied,
0:23:05 > 0:23:08"they thought it was right. Or, they made a decision when sober
0:23:08 > 0:23:13"and then reviewed it when drunk." But he said also, as if shocked,
0:23:13 > 0:23:17"To vomit or obey natural calls, in the presence of another,
0:23:17 > 0:23:18"is forbidden among them."
0:23:18 > 0:23:22It's like, "Gosh, Persians are really weird,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25they don't pee and poo in front of each other. It says more about Greeks, which Herodotus was.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28But he was surprised by that. Don't you think it's odd?
0:23:28 > 0:23:33Does he mean that they go behind a tree, whereas the Greeks would go in front of the tree?
0:23:33 > 0:23:38- In front of each other.- The Romans used to all sit around chatting, didn't they?- Yes.
0:23:38 > 0:23:43I've seen the toilets in Pompeii. They just used to sit there - "All right?" - next to each other.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46And why not? Well, all kinds of reasons, actually.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48We stare straight ahead. Straight ahead at the wall.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53Whereas, me, I'd go in with a ghetto blaster, so people can't hear the noises. Honestly.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56That reminds me of one story about Marilyn Monroe.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01When she was engaged to Arthur Miller, the playwright, she was very nervous about meeting
0:24:01 > 0:24:06his parents, who were Jewish intellectuals, and they went to their small house in New York.
0:24:06 > 0:24:11"Come in, meet Mum and Dad." And they were having a dinner and, at one point, she wanted to get up
0:24:11 > 0:24:14and use the loo, and she realised that it was above the dining room.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19To disguise the sound of herself peeing, she turned the taps on
0:24:19 > 0:24:22and then had a pee and then flushed the loo and turned the taps off.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26And the next day, Arthur Miller called up his father and said,
0:24:26 > 0:24:30"So what did you think of Marilyn?" His father said, "Nice girl - pisses like a horse."
0:24:30 > 0:24:31LAUGHTER
0:24:31 > 0:24:33It's perfectly fantastic!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37"Wow! What?!"
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Now, what big decision did the driver of the number 78 London bus
0:24:44 > 0:24:47have to make in December 1952?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- "Turn right."- Ooh, yes, Jimmy?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- The Coronation is all I know about '52.- Ah, yes.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- The Queen didn't get the bus, did she?- No, she didn't!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58You might, if you were bus users, know where the 78 goes.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- It's...- It doesn't go my way.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- Tower Bridge.- Sorry? Where? - Tower Bridge.- It does!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- He had to jump the bridge. - Brilliant!
0:25:05 > 0:25:08He had to jump the bridge!
0:25:08 > 0:25:12- APPLAUSE - Whoa!
0:25:13 > 0:25:17He was approaching it and there was some mistake with the warning sign.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19As he was getting on... Do you know these?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22They're called bascules, for the French for a seesaw.
0:25:22 > 0:25:27And as he was approaching the first one, he was already on it when he saw they were rising.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30He took a split-second decision and accelerated.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32The second one was lower down
0:25:32 > 0:25:36and, three foot in the air, whatever it was, he landed on the second one.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39No-one was injured. And he won, for his bravery, £10.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41LAUGHTER
0:25:41 > 0:25:43And Employee of the Month.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- I'm sure Employee of the Month. - Maybe Driver of the Week.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48It was very brave. Very brave fellow.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- You'll want to know his name. - Bob Knievel.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55It was a good bus driver's name, Albert Gunton.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- Berty Gunton.- Of course it was.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01He should be proud. If his family are watching, I hope you're still proud of him.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04What is that thing about split-second decisions?
0:26:04 > 0:26:08- I don't know. He just made the right one.- He must've needed a wee.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Making a split decision and coming close to something and...
0:26:12 > 0:26:15It's weird when that happens. There are two odds.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19One is, there may be something small you've seen that you can't remember.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24The other is, you wouldn't be able to tell the story if you'd got it wrong.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- Everybody is alive, by definition - - So, all the anecdotes about
0:26:27 > 0:26:31"I made a split-second decision and it went very badly", they're not here?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- They're not there to be told! There is that side of it!- Yes...
0:26:34 > 0:26:39- Anyway...- Like the conductor who fell out the back!- Exactly!
0:26:39 > 0:26:42LAUGHTER
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- The one thing we can say - - As he falls into the Thames,
0:26:49 > 0:26:52"Gunton...!"
0:26:52 > 0:26:55One thing we can say with confidence, Boris,
0:26:55 > 0:26:59is that that wouldn't have happened with a bendy bus.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01The brilliant thing with the bendy bus,
0:27:01 > 0:27:05it would go between the two things, and the bridge could play the accordion!
0:27:05 > 0:27:10That's true! It never occurred to me!
0:27:10 > 0:27:15If one or other of these identical twins committed a burglary
0:27:15 > 0:27:18and you had eye-witness reports, DNA and fingerprints,
0:27:18 > 0:27:20how could you get a conviction?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- "Turn left."- Waterboarding.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- I may have to refine that. - "Turn right."
0:27:28 > 0:27:32It's even simpler. It's twins. It's the evil one.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37It's, a, we have to be legal, so waterboarding is out.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42- But they are identical - monozygotic twins - in other words, their DNA is...- What have we got?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44- We've got DNA.- Fingerprints. Eye-witness reports.
0:27:44 > 0:27:50- Are fingerprints the same in..? - No, that's the point. Fingerprints are very, very, very simliar
0:27:50 > 0:27:53and you have to be a heck of an expert to be able to detect the difference,
0:27:53 > 0:27:59- but in a court, you can demonstrate the difference.- Is this real or did you forget to tape CSI?
0:27:59 > 0:28:05It's a real question. There have been, indeed very recently, here's a case, just January 2009.
0:28:05 > 0:28:106.8m-worth of jewellery was stolen from the Kaufhaus des Westens,
0:28:10 > 0:28:15one of the great department stores of the world, one of my favourites, in Berlin.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19- And they stole... - As it was German, nobody cared.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Well, 6.8m-worth, a lot of insurance.
0:28:21 > 0:28:26A pair of twins named Abbas and Hassam Omurat were amongst the three suspects
0:28:26 > 0:28:31and walked free, despite their being DNA evidence of their presence at the scene. Or one presence.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35"From the evidence we have, we can deduce that at least one of the brothers took part
0:28:35 > 0:28:38"in the crime, but it has not been possible to determine which one."
0:28:38 > 0:28:42You can't imprison both, just because one of them did it. That's the point.
0:28:42 > 0:28:48- What happens with conjoined twins? - That has happened, as well. In the case of the original Siamise twins,
0:28:48 > 0:28:52one of them was rather a drunkard and commited an offence,
0:28:52 > 0:28:56but couldn't go to prison because it would mean imprisoning the other, so they got away scot-free.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00Now, identity parades. Fascinating things.
0:29:00 > 0:29:05As you know, you are a suspect and the police are supposed to get people who look vaguely like you,
0:29:05 > 0:29:09wear the same clothes, and an eyewitness says "number three" or whatever.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13- Nowadays, they use something called VIPER.- Viper?
0:29:13 > 0:29:16Video Identification Parade Electronic Recording.
0:29:16 > 0:29:20Because as recently as 1997, South Yorkshire Police had a suspect
0:29:20 > 0:29:23who was six foot three, 16 stone and black.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26They couldn't find anyone of that description,
0:29:26 > 0:29:29so they got a make-up artist to black-up a group of white men,
0:29:29 > 0:29:32- but not including their hands. - GROANING
0:29:32 > 0:29:36Unsurprisingly, the eyewitness chose the genuinely black person.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38These days, they have all kinds of ID parades,
0:29:38 > 0:29:43but the old type is not regarded as reliable.
0:29:43 > 0:29:48There are reasons for that, and we might be able to demonstrate what those reasons are.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52Earlier in the show, you may remember a rascal ran across the set
0:29:52 > 0:29:55and stole some money from my hand.
0:29:55 > 0:30:00- You all saw it happen. - You apprehended him!- Can you pick the culprit from this line-up?
0:30:00 > 0:30:02We've apprehended him and we've got some others
0:30:02 > 0:30:05to see if you can find out who it is.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08Here they are. One, two, three and four.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11Was it number one, stealing our money?
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Was it number two, stealing our hearts? Or is that just me? Er...
0:30:14 > 0:30:16- Was it number three... - LAUGHTER
0:30:16 > 0:30:20Was it number three, stealing himself for a spanking?
0:30:20 > 0:30:24Or was it number four, stealing a format idea from Never Mind The Buzzcocks?
0:30:24 > 0:30:27LAUGHTER
0:30:36 > 0:30:38Steady!
0:30:39 > 0:30:41Very good control from our ID parade.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45So I'll ask each one of you to give me a number.
0:30:45 > 0:30:50You all saw the moment, or at least very briefly, which is how crimes are committed.
0:30:50 > 0:30:54- Phill, one, two, three or four? - Er...
0:30:54 > 0:30:59This isn't fair. Phill's had much more experience in this game. He's built a career on this game.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01He knows which one is in The Kooks.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03I think...
0:31:03 > 0:31:07If you could just stick a bass player in there for me!
0:31:07 > 0:31:10- It was fleeting, wasn't it?- It was. - Two.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13- Number two.- I'm going one. - Two and one.
0:31:13 > 0:31:18- Two.- Two? - It's number one.- Number one. We're split between two and one.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21Those in the audience who think it's one, raise your hand.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24That's quite a fair number.
0:31:24 > 0:31:28- Who thinks it's number two? - You probably had a better view. - That's quite a lot.
0:31:28 > 0:31:29Number three?
0:31:29 > 0:31:34A few of you. And number four? Again, a few of you.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37- Would the real thief please step forward?- Wait a minute!
0:31:37 > 0:31:39There you are! Number two. Well done.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43Well done. Very good. Very good, indeed.
0:31:43 > 0:31:48Thank you all for our line-up, including the three innocents.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51APPLAUSE
0:31:51 > 0:31:54- Can I just...?- Yeah?
0:31:54 > 0:32:00I got that wrong. I said number one and it was actually number two, but when I saw number one,
0:32:00 > 0:32:04I instantly thought, "That guy has done something very, very bad."
0:32:04 > 0:32:07I think, in a couple of months' time, the news will land
0:32:07 > 0:32:10that he's done a terrible thing and I'll be proven tight.
0:32:10 > 0:32:15That, unfortunately, is, kind of, the way people go. "Ooh, I don't like his face".
0:32:15 > 0:32:18I have to say, I am impressed by the audience, because, as you probably all know,
0:32:18 > 0:32:23we've all heard of tests in which this kind of thing happens if you're doing forensics
0:32:23 > 0:32:27- or criminology this happens in lectures and so on. - I was sitting in a cafe
0:32:27 > 0:32:30and I saw some kids stealing a scooter with some bolt-cutters
0:32:30 > 0:32:35and they sped off with it and a few minutes later the police arrived and I went over the road
0:32:35 > 0:32:37and I said, "I saw the kids who did this."
0:32:37 > 0:32:41And the copper said, "What colour was the scooter, sir?"
0:32:41 > 0:32:43I said, "It was gold, metallic gold."
0:32:43 > 0:32:48- And the owner was there and he went, "It was silver."- So suddenly you weren't very trusted?
0:32:48 > 0:32:51No, and about ten minutes later, the kids came past
0:32:51 > 0:32:56and I followed them round the corner onto Highbury Fields - keeping my distance -
0:32:56 > 0:33:02and then phoned the police station, "It's here. I've followed them. They're walking along."
0:33:02 > 0:33:05- No-one came.- That's because you were doing a silly voice.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08LAUGHTER
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Do it in your own voice next time.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15It isn't entirely useless having an ID parade.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18- You did very well.- I got it right! - You got it right.
0:33:18 > 0:33:22- You know how I got it right?- How? - I wet my pants.
0:33:22 > 0:33:26- That's it! Exactly! - LAUGHTER
0:33:28 > 0:33:32You're learning! All right.
0:33:32 > 0:33:36It is more difficult than we think, or realise, to pick a suspect from a parade,
0:33:36 > 0:33:38although half our panel did very well.
0:33:38 > 0:33:43And now to the moment when I'm afraid you have no choice at all. Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46Remember, we haven't had our "nobody knows" question.
0:33:46 > 0:33:50Who was the first person to go round the world in 80 days?
0:33:50 > 0:33:53"Turn right." Michael Palin.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55KLAXON WAILS
0:33:55 > 0:33:57- Really?- Yes!
0:33:59 > 0:34:03I meant a real person. I'm not counting fictional.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06- In fiction, of course... - Phileas Fogg.- Yes.- A blue whale.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09The "first person" was very much in the question.
0:34:09 > 0:34:13But it's interesting I said "person". It was a woman.
0:34:13 > 0:34:15Amy Johnson? WOMAN SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Shout that again, in the audience.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20- Nellie Bly! - Well done, audience member!
0:34:20 > 0:34:24- Nellie Bly is the right answer! - Nellie Bly?- Yes.
0:34:24 > 0:34:28APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:34:28 > 0:34:30Very impressed indeed.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33Nellie Bly is someone we all should've heard of.
0:34:33 > 0:34:37She was possibly the world's first investigative journalist.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40She was a remarkably bold, brave and adventurous woman.
0:34:40 > 0:34:44She worked for The World, which was Joseph Pulitzer's newspaper.
0:34:44 > 0:34:49In 1890, after the astonishing success of Jules Verne's Around The World In Eighty Days,
0:34:49 > 0:34:54Joseph Pulitzer decided that he would try and get someone genuinely to go round the world in 80 days.
0:34:54 > 0:34:58He awarded the role to one of his journalists and Nellie Bly said,
0:34:58 > 0:35:04"If you don't give me the task, I will go to another newspaper."
0:35:04 > 0:35:07And so valued was she, he said, "You've got the job."
0:35:07 > 0:35:11And she did it in 72 days, which is pretty damned impressive.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14In those days, before aeroplanes, obviously,
0:35:14 > 0:35:17getting from one place, all the way round the globe, to another
0:35:17 > 0:35:20in that amount of time was a heck of an achievement.
0:35:20 > 0:35:24- It took a long time to get from Scotland to London in those days. - Quite!
0:35:24 > 0:35:27Can you remember in the book the forms of travel Phileas Fogg used?
0:35:27 > 0:35:31- There were some trains, weren't there?- Trains.- Hot air balloons.
0:35:31 > 0:35:35- Not hot air balloons! - There's a balloon on the screen! - Because of the film.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38In the Michael Todd film with David Niven,
0:35:38 > 0:35:41one always thinks of the balloon, but he doesn't use a balloon.
0:35:41 > 0:35:47Anyway, she did it in 72 days, six hours and 11 minutes from New York to New York.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50She should be remembered for campaigns against bad landlords,
0:35:50 > 0:35:53injustice, injustice to women in prisons
0:35:53 > 0:35:56and, most amazingly, she managed to smuggle herself into an insane asylum
0:35:56 > 0:36:01and wrote an extraordinary report about the unbelievable cruelty dealt to the mentally ill.
0:36:01 > 0:36:07It sounds like she managed to talk her way out of an insane asylum...
0:36:07 > 0:36:11- Good point!- ..with a story about being an investigative journalist. That is genius.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13In both cases, impressive.
0:36:13 > 0:36:18How can you tell which of these chicks is male and which is female?
0:36:18 > 0:36:21This must be... This must be...
0:36:21 > 0:36:24- I'm afraid not! - KLAXON WAILS
0:36:24 > 0:36:26No.
0:36:26 > 0:36:30Had you said that in the 1920s, the answer would've been "nobody knows".
0:36:30 > 0:36:33But in 1929, the Japanese astonished the world
0:36:33 > 0:36:37by revealing that they'd found a way to sex chicks.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39In other words, to determine their gender.
0:36:39 > 0:36:43It sounds... It sounds so wrong, doesn't it?
0:36:43 > 0:36:46- "I know how to sex a chick!" - JIMMY: I can do that!
0:36:46 > 0:36:49It seems impossible with the naked eye to do it
0:36:49 > 0:36:52because you have to wait till they're six weeks old.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55And in the egg-laying industry, that's a heck of a waste,
0:36:55 > 0:36:59because the male chicks are of no use whatsoever to them.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02Gassed on the first day. Enjoy your eggs!
0:37:02 > 0:37:04That's why... Good point!
0:37:04 > 0:37:07In 1927, at the World Poultry Congress in Ottawa,
0:37:07 > 0:37:11- this was announced...- The what?! - The World Poultry Congress.
0:37:11 > 0:37:12That's a lot of chickens.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15"Will the representative of Albania make himself known?"
0:37:15 > 0:37:18"Albanian chicken!" CLUCKING
0:37:18 > 0:37:21It's one of the biggest businesses in the world.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24The most popular bird we eat, then we eat their eggs.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26And so there are World Poultry Congresses!
0:37:26 > 0:37:31We've all done corporate gigs. I imagine I did 20 minutes at the end.
0:37:31 > 0:37:35I once did Phillips Small Appliances. Sounds mad.
0:37:35 > 0:37:39- That poor boy!- It was a long time... - LAUGHTER
0:37:39 > 0:37:42- It was a long time ago... - Leave his appliances alone!
0:37:42 > 0:37:47- It was a long time ago... - Which is why I won't have him in the house any more!
0:37:47 > 0:37:51- How do you sex a chicken? - It's very complex, that's the point.
0:37:51 > 0:37:55And it's highly... No, we do know. It's highly paid.
0:37:55 > 0:38:00The discovery lowered the price of eggs worldwide overnight.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02That's how important it was.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05The Zen-Nippon Chick Sexing School was founded.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:38:07 > 0:38:12I know you're laughing, but it's true! It's true!
0:38:12 > 0:38:15You're looking at a graduate.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18And they taught their sexers in such a rigorous way
0:38:18 > 0:38:22that only five to ten percent of applicants received accreditation.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25When you passed, you were paid huge sums of money.
0:38:25 > 0:38:30- You are chick master! - Yes. Hundreds of dollars a day. It was a really big business.
0:38:30 > 0:38:34- It still is!- "Boy..." "How do you know?" "I know."
0:38:34 > 0:38:38- "You don't know. You pay." - LAUGHTER
0:38:38 > 0:38:42The best in the business can sex around 1,200 chicks an hour
0:38:42 > 0:38:46and there are some talented ones who can have one in each hand...
0:38:46 > 0:38:48"Boy, boy, girl, girl, boy, boy, boy, girl,
0:38:48 > 0:38:54"girl, girl, boy, boy. Boy, girl, boy, girl. Boyyyy."
0:38:54 > 0:38:57- The point is... - LAUGHTER
0:38:57 > 0:39:02The point is, you go like that, and pop them in bins. Girl bin, boy bin.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04And you can do 1,200.
0:39:04 > 0:39:08- Is it to do with the weight? - No. They do a slight squeeze...
0:39:08 > 0:39:11- "A girl!"- You won't like this.
0:39:11 > 0:39:16- They do a slight squeeze... - And if they go, "Oww!" it's a girl.
0:39:16 > 0:39:17And if they go...
0:39:17 > 0:39:22- That's naughty!- If they go, "Steady on, mate..."- It's a boy!
0:39:22 > 0:39:27They have a cloaca tract, which is their reproductive and excretory tract,
0:39:27 > 0:39:31and there is a slight difference in the ridges and bumps, the innies and outies.
0:39:31 > 0:39:36So you do a slight squeeze. If it's too big, you throttle them, or the outie becomes an innie.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40It's a real skill. It's something I vaguely knew about growing up in Norfolk,
0:39:40 > 0:39:46because in Norfolk there is a community of Vietnamese turkey sexers, who live...
0:39:46 > 0:39:48I know it sounds mad!
0:39:48 > 0:39:50I can never watch Platoon again!
0:39:50 > 0:39:53You've ruined Apocalypse Now for me.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56- I'm sorry about that. - "What sex is chicken?!
0:39:56 > 0:39:59- "You tell me now!"- This is...
0:39:59 > 0:40:03- JIMMY LAUGHS - I know it sounds bonkers.
0:40:03 > 0:40:07They live in tunnels under the fence!
0:40:07 > 0:40:13- Not in the fence, it's in Norfolk, he said defensively. - I beg your pardon.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15- Tell me they work for Bernard, please!- Of course!
0:40:15 > 0:40:18Bernard Matthews is the largest employer.
0:40:18 > 0:40:22"Mr Matthew, this one bootiful!" LAUGHTER
0:40:22 > 0:40:25APPLAUSE
0:40:27 > 0:40:30All right. Chicken sexing is a fine art these days.
0:40:30 > 0:40:36The sun rises roughly in the east, as we know, and sets in the west. But what does the moon do?
0:40:36 > 0:40:40- What direction does the moon... - Which moon are we talking about?
0:40:40 > 0:40:42KLAXON WAILS
0:40:43 > 0:40:46- This show is getting tough.- Whoa!
0:40:46 > 0:40:48Wow!
0:40:48 > 0:40:51- It goes the other way. - The opposite direction?- Yes.
0:40:51 > 0:40:56- Actually... That isn't true, either. - KLAXON WAILS
0:40:56 > 0:40:59- No, it's the same.- It's the same.
0:40:59 > 0:41:04- "Are you sure?"- The same. - Correct! Well done!
0:41:04 > 0:41:07The moon rises in the east and sets in the west.
0:41:07 > 0:41:12Lastly, how many different species of mussel can you see here?
0:41:12 > 0:41:16- Is this it?- Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! There you go.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19- "Nobody knows." - Jimmy got there first!
0:41:19 > 0:41:23- I just found it quicker than Phill. - It had to be!
0:41:23 > 0:41:25- Well done.- It's the last one.
0:41:25 > 0:41:29- It's almost impossible to identify...- Even themselves.- Yes.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32- Impossible to do or impossible to care?- Well...!
0:41:32 > 0:41:38Do you think they just go, "Shall we just boil these and eat them? Time's a-wasting."
0:41:38 > 0:41:41We used to think, by size and appearance, you could tell.
0:41:41 > 0:41:46We now find the genome tells us. Species we thought were different we've discovered are the same.
0:41:46 > 0:41:50And conversely, species we thought were the same are different.
0:41:50 > 0:41:57So, which nation are secretly training their citizens to be able to tell what species of mussel...
0:41:57 > 0:42:02- Do the Albanians have mussel ninjas? - It is almost certainly the Albanians, you're right.
0:42:02 > 0:42:07But the time has finally come to act decisively and declare tonight's winner.
0:42:07 > 0:42:10It's very exciting. Yes, indeed.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13Let's... Well, let's start at the top.
0:42:13 > 0:42:16With a fantastic result,
0:42:16 > 0:42:19our winner with a clear plus-10 points is Phill Jupitus!
0:42:19 > 0:42:22APPLAUSE
0:42:22 > 0:42:25I don't know how that happened. I never know how that happens.
0:42:25 > 0:42:30In a rather surprising second place, with four points, it's the audience!
0:42:30 > 0:42:35Congratulations!
0:42:35 > 0:42:38Very impressive!
0:42:38 > 0:42:42That puts Jimmy, who would otherwise have come second,
0:42:42 > 0:42:46- in third place with minus one. - APPLAUSE
0:42:49 > 0:42:52And in fourth place with minus two, Rich Hall!
0:42:52 > 0:42:55APPLAUSE
0:42:55 > 0:42:59But, erm, it still doesn't stop Alan from coming last, I fear,
0:42:59 > 0:43:03- with minus 14! - APPLAUSE
0:43:03 > 0:43:06END-OF-SHOW JINGLE
0:43:08 > 0:43:12So, thanks to Rich, Jimmy, Phill and Alan.
0:43:12 > 0:43:16I leave you with this tale of choice in Soviet Russia from comedian Yakov Smirnoff.
0:43:16 > 0:43:21"In Russia, we had only two channels. Channel One was propaganda.
0:43:21 > 0:43:24"Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you,
0:43:24 > 0:43:27"'Turn back at once to Channel One.'"
0:43:27 > 0:43:31- Thank you and goodnight. - CHEERING
0:43:32 > 0:43:36Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:36 > 0:43:41E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk