0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Well!
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Goooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:35 > 0:00:41And welcome to QI for a show that's all about insects and other invertebrates.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Let me introduce our completely spineless panel.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48- Busy as a bee, Jimmy Carr. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:54- Snug as a bug, Sarah Millican. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:01:01- Knee-high to a grasshopper, Johnny Vegas. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:10- And banging his head fruitlessly against a window, Alan Davies. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:16So before we begin, we should hear your buzzes. Jimmy goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- FLY BUZZING - Ooh, it's annoying.
0:01:19 > 0:01:24- Sarah goes... - CRICKETS CHIRP Aw!
0:01:24 > 0:01:29- Johnny goes... - MOSQUITO BUZZES / LAUGHTER
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- And Alan goes... - MOSQUITO BUZZES
0:01:32 > 0:01:35SPLATTING
0:01:35 > 0:01:40Now, don't forget, there are some questions to which nobody knows the answer.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- FANFARE - 'Nobody knows!'
0:01:43 > 0:01:48If you play your joker to a question to which nobody knows the answer you get extra points.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52- If you use it at the wrong time, you look like a bit of a tit. - LAUGHTER
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- So, to question one.- Right.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- LAUGHTER - What's the point?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- LAUGHTER - Aw!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03What do bees do better than dogs?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- BUZZER - Yes, Jimmy.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Make honey. LAUGHTER
0:02:09 > 0:02:11That's probably true, I have to say.
0:02:11 > 0:02:16Probably true! You're giving me probably on making honey.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18OK, if that's the way you want to play it.
0:02:18 > 0:02:24- I'll give you that one.- Thank you very much. I'm already in the lead. LAUGHTER
0:02:24 > 0:02:30They're better at sneaking up on you than dogs are. You'd never know if a bee had sniffed your crotch.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- LAUGHTER - Well, you might not.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37- There'd be a buzzing noise. But oddly enough, you used the word there...- Is it crotch?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- LAUGHTER - No.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- Sniffing? - Sniffing. We use dogs to sniff,
0:02:43 > 0:02:47- to sniff in customs and for security...- Sniffer bees!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50..for explosives and drugs.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53It takes a dog about three months at least to be trained
0:02:53 > 0:02:57to be a sniffer dog. It takes a bee ten minutes.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00All you have to do is put it in a box,
0:03:00 > 0:03:05add the smell and some sugar simultaneously, do that a few times,
0:03:05 > 0:03:11and it will instantly associate that smell with sugar and a reward and next time it comes across the smell,
0:03:11 > 0:03:16its proboscis will come out and if you set it all up right, it will cause an alarm.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20- So why aren't we in airports killing bees, then?- It's beginning to happen.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Unless drug dealers have an allergy to stings,
0:03:23 > 0:03:27I can't see them being pinned up against the wall by a policeman...
0:03:27 > 0:03:32- LAUGHTER - ..with a bee on a bit of kite twine.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37There's a company called Inscentinel which has developed this
0:03:37 > 0:03:41and it is beginning to be used by the military and airports and various others.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44You pop a bee in a little box and you train it.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- That's not a little box, that's like the worst rucksack ever invented. - LAUGHTER
0:03:48 > 0:03:53What if they like savoury stuff? What if they haven't got much of a sweet tooth?
0:03:53 > 0:03:57The great thing about bees is they only like sugar.
0:03:57 > 0:04:03There may be a rogue bee that likes meat or salami, and that would be useless.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07- Pasties?- Pasties.- He wouldn't be able to do that as a job.- A Cornish bee.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11- LAUGHTER - You shove a few in a box
0:04:11 > 0:04:15and then waft them near the thing you want them to check, there it is.
0:04:15 > 0:04:20That's not a bad idea cos that's the old joke about the best way to smuggle drugs being in a dog's bum.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25Because when the sniffer dogs come through... LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:30..as soon as the dog sniffs, you just go, "Come here, you! Naughty little thing."
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- But with bees, how much could you get in a bee's bum? Very little. - Very little.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37My dad once punched a bee.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42- Punched a bee? - Yeah, it went for him, and it was huge, so he just punched it.
0:04:42 > 0:04:47He said it was like a velvet tennis ball. LAUGHTER
0:04:47 > 0:04:50A rather beautiful phrase, velvet tennis balls of the sky.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55I like that he was thinking of such poetic things when he was punching a bee.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59- Bees are valuable and they are in trouble. There seems to be... - That one was.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- LAUGHTER - I'm going to offer you a reward.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07I've got a plate here of insect-related foods, Sarah,
0:05:07 > 0:05:11and you can choose your reward. This is a lolly which has got ants in it.
0:05:11 > 0:05:16This is a scorpion brittle, like a peanut brittle, only with a scorpion in it.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20I don't know if you can see it. Or just some dried bugs here. Would you like one of those?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23And where is the treat part? LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Chocolate ant, would you like a chocolate ant?- I'll suck it.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- Would you?- No. LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:35- Are you going to risk any of these? - Erm, I'll have a look at them. - If I had a chocolate ant, would you?
0:05:35 > 0:05:41- Er, I'll let you go first.- I've eaten it. There it is.- I'm not really bothered, to be honest with you.- Ah!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- LAUGHTER - You made me eat it! - APPLAUSE
0:05:46 > 0:05:52- Well, I want more bravery, because these are treats. - I don't even eat brown bread.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Don't give things like that to us.
0:05:54 > 0:06:00- You think of brown bread as being some sort of strange life form that's...- Well, it's unnecessary.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05- LAUGHTER - If that's a new range of pick 'n' mix, no wonder Woolies went under.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- LAUGHTER - It may well be the world is going to turn towards this kind of food
0:06:09 > 0:06:15because 2.5 billion of the world's population already regularly eat insects.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Is that just by mistake when you're on a bike? LAUGHTER
0:06:18 > 0:06:23These are treats and it may well be that it will solve the problem.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26By the year 2030, they reckon there will be
0:06:26 > 0:06:29such a shortage of protein on the planet
0:06:29 > 0:06:34that there will be a genuine problem of starvation. There's already a problem with starvation
0:06:34 > 0:06:38but it will multiply enormously as the population increases.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40And insects and other invertebrates may be the answer.
0:06:40 > 0:06:45- Spider is genius. Like chicken legs but they have loads of them.- Yes!
0:06:45 > 0:06:49What do you think are the advantages of eating and breeding insects for food?
0:06:49 > 0:06:53- You get to pretend to be a giant. - LAUGHTER
0:06:53 > 0:06:56A giant of commerce.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01And you can train them all to come and exercise in front of you and get them to build tiny cars.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06- LAUGHTER - Well, there is that.- And I'll say, "Call me Johnny Nissan!"
0:07:06 > 0:07:12- LAUGHTER - In the wild, when they lay eggs, they lay billions.- That's right.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17Only a few of them survive. But if you've got them, you can have all billion of them.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Yeah, exactly. And they need far less feed than cattle.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23They produce far less noxious gas than cattle.
0:07:23 > 0:07:30- But how would you contain the insect equivalent of foot-and-mouth? - LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:36- That would be a problem. - "Have you been near a fly?" "Yes." "Leave the airport."
0:07:36 > 0:07:40If you're trying to get this as an idea, this could solve starvation,
0:07:40 > 0:07:45could you maybe pick a picture of a guy that looks less nuts? LAUGHTER
0:07:45 > 0:07:49If you're trying to market it, if he's meant to be Captain Birdseye of the insect world,
0:07:49 > 0:07:53he couldn't look any creepier. LAUGHTER
0:07:53 > 0:07:56He looks as if he's auditioning to play the master in the original Dr Who.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- Even the frame in the picture looks like he's about to black out. - LAUGHTER
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- And the spider. - "They're good for you."
0:08:04 > 0:08:07HE MOANS
0:08:07 > 0:08:11"My vocal chords are swelling up."
0:08:11 > 0:08:16- There is no reason not to eat them. - "I expect you to die, Mr Bond." - LAUGHTER
0:08:16 > 0:08:23- Sorry.- Shrimp is essentially the same thing. It's just in the sea. That one is on land.- Exactly.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28- They are delicious.- We eat shrimp if there's a special on at Iceland. - LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- STEPHEN COUGHS - Excuse me.- Take a moment.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35- It may be that ant.- It's the ant! - LAUGHTER
0:08:39 > 0:08:44Oh, no, they're delicious, they could solve the problems of starvation...by killing us all.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- LAUGHTER - I have got a problem in my throat.
0:08:47 > 0:08:53Look at that man looming over you going, "At last, I got you, Fry."
0:08:53 > 0:08:58- Maybe that was a mistake. - There's one brave ant. "We're going to cover you in chocolate,
0:08:58 > 0:09:03"we'll put you in front of Stephen Fry, you're going to go down there and sort things out."
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- "Once you're inside, release it." - I've eaten those.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10They've got a terrible bitter aftertaste, the smoked insects,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13the little ants. I had them at Bug World in Liverpool.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Were you supposed to eat them? Cos isn't that like a zoo?
0:09:16 > 0:09:22Is it shut now because you ate everything? LAUGHTER
0:09:22 > 0:09:27- That giant snail was a mistake. - LAUGHTER - It looked like a burger.
0:09:29 > 0:09:35- Oh!- You're offered a bit at the end. But then you're not meant to go back on a frenzy and break the others.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Just with a different hat on every time.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43I like a zoo where there's a buffet on the way out. Panda burger anyone? LAUGHTER
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Go to the Natural History Museum just lifting the cases.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER
0:09:53 > 0:09:58I've also got acid reflux, I have to say. One little ant.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Here am I supposed to be advertising it as the future of humanity,
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- and I have to say, I feel like shit at the moment. - LAUGHTER
0:10:05 > 0:10:11- That has not gone down well. - APPLAUSE
0:10:11 > 0:10:16The meat marketing board are watching this at the moment going, "Die! Die!"
0:10:16 > 0:10:21- LAUGHTER - Talking of bees and dogs,
0:10:21 > 0:10:26do you know the premier site on the internet for dogs that are dressed as bees?
0:10:26 > 0:10:31LAUGHTER The best one? My favourite or the most popular one?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35LAUGHTER It's beedogs.com.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Can you imagine a bee flying back and going, "I've found the queen!"
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- LAUGHTER - "I've found the mother of all queens!"
0:10:42 > 0:10:47I've got a little extra question for you. I was going to offer you a reward of a chocolate ant,
0:10:47 > 0:10:52but I suspect there'd be no takers. I think I've got a leg stuck between my teeth.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56- There are hundreds of ants coming across the studio floor. - LAUGHTER
0:10:56 > 0:11:00How can you tell if your dog has a guilty conscience?
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Is there a particular... Aww. Look at that boxer.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Is it that your slippers are full? - Your slippers are full?
0:11:08 > 0:11:12- I was trying to put it in a nice way. Of shit.- I know what you mean. - LAUGHTER
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I know what you're saying.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I think they go in the opposite direction.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20What a dog does with a guilty conscience is make a massive fuss of you.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- Ah, very interesting. - More than usual.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- To try and make you love it and to make up... - I thought that was husbands.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30LAUGHTER When you say a guilty conscience, do they have a...
0:11:30 > 0:11:34That's a point. The answer should've been nobody knows. The people who own dogs
0:11:34 > 0:11:40think they can recognise a guilty look in their dog, but they've done a number of tests
0:11:40 > 0:11:44in which they have told their owner their dog has done this particular thing
0:11:44 > 0:11:50and the owner has said, "Oh, yes, that's its guilty look, I recognise that" and it hasn't done anything.
0:11:50 > 0:11:55It's all in the mind of the owner. I've still got a little scaly something in the back of my throat.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- Have a bit of scorpion brittle to take it away. - Take the edge off, yeah.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04I was so looking forward to being brave and butch and taking this insect.
0:12:04 > 0:12:09Revolting! There it is. Oh, a little wing casing or something.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- AUDIENCE: Ohhh!- Very unpleasant.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Dogs can identify guilt in people.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- Yes, can they? They probably can. - Yeah, they can.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- If you come in...- Certainly in airports, but bees are better at it. LAUGHTER
0:12:22 > 0:12:27That's very good. Now, why aren't there any vegan Venus flytraps?
0:12:27 > 0:12:33- Yes, Sarah? - Maybe there are, but people don't invite them round for dinner
0:12:33 > 0:12:38cos it's too complicated. LAUGHTER
0:12:38 > 0:12:41That's a very good answer. Would you like a reward?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44No, thank you. LAUGHTER
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- Ohh.- Vegan?- Yes.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- Are you all right? - No, I'm not all right.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Suppose a leaf fell in, why don't they eat the leaf?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Cos hasn't it got... I had one of these when I was a kid.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59- Hasn't it got to hit two of them within a certain time frame? - Absolutely right.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03They have a sort of time system on these tiny hairs,
0:13:03 > 0:13:05you can see it here. Poor little thing.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- And then it just does another movement and bang.- Ooh.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12- And it is really...- Do you know what the coolest thing about them is?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15When that closes, that bit there is the stomach.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19It just closes really tight and then that becomes the stomach.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22And all the digestive juices absorb the little animal.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27It has a design fault, then. If you were one of those plants and you were starving
0:13:27 > 0:13:32- but you had a mouthful of lettuce... - Yes.- ..it would never know.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37- No.- It would starve to death rather than eat a salad.- Exactly.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- LAUGHTER - Because the salad didn't move
0:13:40 > 0:13:44- in the right way.- You have so much in common with these. LAUGHTER
0:13:45 > 0:13:50- If you fell asleep next to one of them for long enough...- Yes?
0:13:50 > 0:13:54..and it closed on your finger,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57would it be able to digest part of your finger?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01I'm going to send you one and you will do the experiment.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05- LAUGHTER - And let us know. You could try your knob, as well. It'd be funnier.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- In the cause of science. - I couldn't... - APPLAUSE
0:14:13 > 0:14:18- It would be a penis flytrap then. - Aww! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:19 > 0:14:23- Well, we'll see. - You're considering it.- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:26There are other exciting ways of catching insects.
0:14:26 > 0:14:32- You know the South American bolas, like a sling that you swing round? - Yeah.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35There's a spider that does the same thing to catch insects.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38There, look at that. It's very clever.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- It swings this... - That's not real, it's just a drawing.
0:14:41 > 0:14:46- LAUGHTER - I admit, we don't actually have a photo of it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50I'll tell you why you don't have a photo. Because you made it up. It's not even a good picture.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54That isn't even a good spider. It's a heart-shaped thing.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59You started off doing a heart, it was probably a love letter, then you went, "I'll put some legs on it".
0:14:59 > 0:15:05I'm very sorry. But do look it up on the net. I'm sure you'll find a photograph. The bolas spider.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- And he's doing this, is he? - He makes a sort of lasso. - He lassos the insect
0:15:09 > 0:15:13- and then he does... - He goes, "Yee-hah!" - LAUGHTER
0:15:13 > 0:15:19- It does seem crazy, but nature is crazy. - And then he drinks in a saloon.- Yes.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21What's the best way to charm a worm?
0:15:22 > 0:15:26There's a worm. How would you charm a worm?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29You tap, don't you? Because when it rains, they come up.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34Birds do that when they jump up and down, they make a noise like rain and they come up.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Yes, actually, what they think is that there is a mole nearby.
0:15:38 > 0:15:43And the earthworm's way of escaping is to come to the surface, because moles don't come up.
0:15:43 > 0:15:48- Are they not friends? I imagine they would be friends. - No, Moley and Wormy, not friends.
0:15:48 > 0:15:55- Moley eaty Wormy.- I'm going to stop you there, because in my mind, they are quite good friends.- Aww.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58They live underground and they have a terrific old time.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Could you charm a worm with a tiny flute?
0:16:01 > 0:16:06Well, it's good you should say this because worm charming is a big, I won't say industry,
0:16:06 > 0:16:11but it is a big pastime, both in America and in this country. There is the commercial side of it.
0:16:11 > 0:16:17- Erm, because...- Oh, for God's sake! - I know. - LAUGHTER
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- I know you've got your "get a life" look on. - LAUGHTER
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- And I do know what you mean, but... - I really have.
0:16:25 > 0:16:30There's nothing that discernable, is there? When you go, "Hi, you've got lovely..."
0:16:30 > 0:16:35- Oh, you mean charming them in that sense.- No eyes.- They have a little saddle, that can be attractive.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40- But that's that myth, that that's where they've been cut in half. - Oh, I see, and re-grown. Yes.
0:16:40 > 0:16:46- Something happened between... - You can chop them in half. You can do it with any animal.- Yeah, but they...
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- LAUGHTER - They don't join back together.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53No, they can't. It's a myth. But in America they call it grunting, worm charming,
0:16:53 > 0:16:57and it's reasonably big business because Americans love to fish,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00and obviously bait shops need worms as well as maggots as...
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- The girl in the foreground is tapping the ground with flip-flops. - She is.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- She's got flip-flops on so she's taken extra flip-flops. - LAUGHTER
0:17:08 > 0:17:13- She's only done it to annoy you. - It looks like a car boot sale where everyone forgot the cars.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- LAUGHTER - They've been Photoshopped out of the picture.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22- APPLAUSE - It does rather, doesn't it?
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- What it is, in Britain, the sport, if I can call it that... - You may not!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29..involves dozens of competitors. Oh, my God!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- Is that a worm on her T-shirt? - She has a worm on her shirt!
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- I don't know if that's a worm. I don't think we should look at that. - Oh, dear.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- You have to lure as many worms... - Ken Dodd on the right. - ..as you can in 30 minutes.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45- With a recorder?- Well, with anything you choose. You can just tap...
0:17:45 > 0:17:49And why the time constraint, is that because you're out on day release?
0:17:49 > 0:17:53- LAUGHTER - Possibly. The low point was in Woodhall.
0:17:53 > 0:17:59The Woodhall worm charming festival in Lincolnshire, none of the entrants in August 2010
0:17:59 > 0:18:05- managed to lure a single worm. - This is the worm-charming festival, isn't it?
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Were those people inside at the time, were they in a building?
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Yeah, it was raining, they had to do it in the church hall.
0:18:13 > 0:18:18- LAUGHTER - That would explain it. - I'm getting nothing.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21LAUGHTER
0:18:21 > 0:18:26How do they decide the winner if nobody actually lured any worms?
0:18:26 > 0:18:31Well, a spokesman said they were all winners because they raised more than £200
0:18:31 > 0:18:36for the Woodhall Spa Twinning Association. I don't know who Woodhall is twinned with.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40I don't think it's twinned with anywhere. I think they had a suicide pact.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44- LAUGHTER - Why has she got string on her fork? What's going on with these people?
0:18:44 > 0:18:50That's her fork, like when you're at the airport, with your case going round, you put a ribbon on.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55- At least when you go trainspotting, there are trains. - LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:18:59That's the best thing. The trainspotters are stood on the hill going, "Losers!"
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- LAUGHTER - "Get a life!"
0:19:02 > 0:19:05APPLAUSE
0:19:05 > 0:19:10- Oh, dear. It's true.- "Keep digging, Cynthia, they're only jealous." - LAUGHTER
0:19:10 > 0:19:16Well, the fact is, yes, you can vibrate worms to the surface by pretending to be a mole.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Now, when would you go out with a bucketful of ladybirds?
0:19:20 > 0:19:25What about if you had a bit of spare time and your hobby was collecting ladybirds?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- LAUGHTER - Yes.- Would that work?- It might. But why do we like ladybirds?
0:19:28 > 0:19:34- Don't they kill, er...- Greenfly. - Greenfly, yeah. They are very good pest controller animals.
0:19:34 > 0:19:39- Are you sure they're not pests? I think they might be.- Well, they're a pest if you're an aphid.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- But...- I thought you said if you were an atheist.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45LAUGHTER
0:19:45 > 0:19:49That's a fantastic idea.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Those ladybirds, proving the existence of God again.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56LAUGHTER There must be a god because they're so adorable.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01Well, they're sold on the internet to gardeners
0:20:01 > 0:20:06- and the idea is that they help you with your aphid control problem. - So they're all alive in a bucket?
0:20:06 > 0:20:11Yeah. There are all kinds of insects you can buy. I remember buying for a conservatory,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14you can buy gall wasps, I think they were,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17because there was some sort of pest I had in the conservatory.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Did they just ring the bell? Two wasps turned up?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23LAUGHTER "We're here about the aphids."
0:20:23 > 0:20:26LAUGHTER "Where do you want us?"
0:20:26 > 0:20:30No, ladybirds are very helpful, obviously, but the problem with them is,
0:20:30 > 0:20:33if you order them on the internet and you get a bucketful,
0:20:33 > 0:20:36if you release them, they'll simply fly away.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41So there's a secret to it. You release them at night cos they don't fly at night.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44So you release them into your garden at night and they go to work.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Then during the day, they may fly away, but they may by then have eaten your aphids.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- Why don't they fly at night? - They prefer not to. - Can't see where they're going.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- We don't have an answer to that. - My mum used to be like that driving. Didn't like it.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01Why not just go through them individually and break a bit of wing?
0:21:01 > 0:21:05- LAUGHTER - And then keep them in your garden? - You do want them to fly a bit.
0:21:05 > 0:21:10- Well, that's why I said break a bit. I didn't say snap both. - LAUGHTER
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Break a bit so they can have a bit of aspirational flight, but they can't escape.
0:21:14 > 0:21:21- That's cruel.- Well, I paid for them online. It's not like I go out picking on random ladybirds.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- Slavery is what it is. - Yes.- No, no, no.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27What it is, it's about getting your money's worth.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31LAUGHTER A bucketful of ladybirds.
0:21:31 > 0:21:37Now, how did the thing with the amazing eyes escape from the tank? Look at that.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41It's known as a mantis shrimp, although it isn't a true shrimp.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45- It's a crustacean. - It doesn't sound like anything. - It looks amazing, doesn't it?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Are those the eyes on the top?
0:21:47 > 0:21:52The top bits are the eyes, which are extraordinary because they're divided into three.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57- So they have three types of vision in each eye. Look at it. - Like bifocals?- Yes, they are.
0:21:57 > 0:22:03They've got two of these eyes, but even more than that, they have power that is almost beyond belief.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08- They can cut through glass. - Hang on, this is sounding like Saturday morning kids' TV.
0:22:08 > 0:22:14- Power beyond belief.- They do! It's extraordinary...- Is it the power of prayer, Stephen? Do they pray...
0:22:14 > 0:22:19LAUGHTER Do they pray to get out of the tank to the little baby Jesus?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22They're mantis shrimps, but not praying mantis shrimps.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Nice though, come on! LAUGHTER
0:22:25 > 0:22:32They can accelerate, they can accelerate through the water at 10,000 times the force of gravity,
0:22:32 > 0:22:37which causes the water in front of them to boil. I know it sounds mad.
0:22:37 > 0:22:43- That's how extraordinary they are. - It seems like a disadvantage cos when you stop, you're in boiling water.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47LAUGHTER "I seem to have cooked myself." So they cook themselves?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50They have this amazing power.
0:22:50 > 0:22:55They have been known to break out of aquarium glass with one strike of their claw.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00- They can actually break the glass and get out of their aquariums. - Have we got footage of this?
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- I can show you one punching its prey.- It had better have a "Kapow!"
0:23:04 > 0:23:08That's it on the left there. And this is obviously massively slowed down.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- And there it... Bang!- Ooh.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13And that was a really... There you go...
0:23:16 > 0:23:21- That is insect domestic violence. - LAUGHTER
0:23:21 > 0:23:24It really is. They're very powerful creatures.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28They have three sections of each eye. They can see ultra-violet, infrared, polarised,
0:23:28 > 0:23:32and are the only creature on earth that can see circularly-polarised light.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- Does that mean they can watch Avatar without the glasses?- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:23:36 > 0:23:41That's exactly what it means, basically. They're very remarkable creatures.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- Where do they live?- Vietnam, that's where you find them.
0:23:44 > 0:23:50- Would you like to see a shrimp on a running machine?- More than you know! LAUGHTER
0:23:50 > 0:23:54- Take a look at this. - It's the Iceland research facility.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57LAUGHTER
0:23:57 > 0:24:02- Aw! How good's that? - It's very good, isn't it?- They've not got it with a stop button.
0:24:02 > 0:24:08No, I know, it doesn't have control. Do you know, they can go three hours before they get exhausted?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10What has he got on the iPod?
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- Yeah. - He does look much slimmer than he did at the beginning of the footage.
0:24:14 > 0:24:20There are various excuses that scientists have given for why they're doing that to them.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Was it mainly boredom? LAUGHTER
0:24:22 > 0:24:29I was kicked out of there for just breaking one wing on a ladybird, and look what they're doing.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Are they doing any research into Marie Rose sauce? LAUGHTER
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Because you need the two together, in a wine glass.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40It's like shrimp horse-jumping. When the white line comes round, it jumps.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Oh, does it? Oh, yes! - LAUGHTER
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- Oh!- Whey! - LAUGHTER
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- And he's coming up here now on the third turn. - LAUGHTER
0:24:49 > 0:24:52And he's looking strong. He's not looking bad.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- He's lost his jockey but he's still in the race. - LAUGHTER
0:24:55 > 0:25:00The man responsible is called Professor David Scholnick of Pacific University in Oregon.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- He gives his name out?- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:25:03 > 0:25:08He said, "These studies will give us a better idea of how marine animals can perform in their native habitat
0:25:08 > 0:25:13"when faced with increasing pathogens and immunological challenges". How I've no idea.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17- We have to take his word for it. - I'm waiting to see a crab with some dumbbells.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER It is strange, when you look at that,
0:25:21 > 0:25:25because the shrimp is an insect, but we quite happily eat that.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- Pick the legs off it, take the head off.- I know. And lobsters and things.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31As you say, we'll happily eat them as a treat.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35- But these... Oh, God. - LAUGHTER
0:25:35 > 0:25:39It's not done me any favours. And I felt so confident.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- I was going to have the scorpion, as well, but I'm not now. - LAUGHTER
0:25:42 > 0:25:48- I'll have the scorpion.- Would you like the scorpion?- I'll have it. - Oh, my dear fellow. There you are.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53- You mean you're going to take it... - I've had those. The aftertaste is just horrendous.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55It's there for hours. But I'll have that.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59- Yeah? Are you going to eat it now in front of us?- If I put it all in my mouth, it might...
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- I'll break it in half.- Good idea.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06- Make it manageable.- Yep. - # Half the poison, half the fun
0:26:06 > 0:26:09LAUGHTER
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Ready?- God, it...
0:26:12 > 0:26:15LAUGHTER
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- APPLAUSE - That's God telling me something, isn't it?
0:26:18 > 0:26:24- Wow, that is one tough...- I think the scorpion might be alive. I think it might be like Han Solo.- Hey!
0:26:24 > 0:26:29- Not any more, it's not. - Erm... Tail end or front?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I would go for the front. The tail end might have a sting in it.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- Always ask a lady.- Hey!
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Ohh!
0:26:39 > 0:26:41James Carr!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Well, you could hardly break the thing, so...
0:26:47 > 0:26:51- LAUGHTER - Come back in nine hours.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- LAUGHTER - Oh, you're having one, too! Good for you!
0:26:54 > 0:26:58- Excellent.- I've been licking the brittle and I'll be there all night.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- I was eating it like a Club biscuit. - LAUGHTER
0:27:00 > 0:27:05- Licking all the chocolate off.- Is it quite sweet? It's basically sugar. - It's horrible.
0:27:05 > 0:27:11- I can't feel my toes.- Oh, dear. - LAUGHTER
0:27:11 > 0:27:13It's like hemlock. It just works all the way up.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16It's like bonfire night with death.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- LAUGHTER - Go on, Sarah, you know you want to.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23- You've got to be joking. - Have a lick anyway.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28- Is this what you had, the chocolate ant?- Sarah, just think, what if we all develop superpowers as a result?
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- LAUGHTER - Ohh!
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- LAUGHTER - Ohhh...
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- Alan had the ant. - How could you eat that?
0:27:36 > 0:27:41- He has the power! - You saw what it did to me. - He has the power of nausea!
0:27:41 > 0:27:46- LAUGHTER Ohh!- That is absolutely repellent.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50- As soon as you break the chocolate, if whiffs.- I know, it's not nice.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Something's happening. Something's happening!
0:27:53 > 0:27:57- LAUGHTER - Whey!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- Oh, my word! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:08- Something...- Power of the scorpion!
0:28:08 > 0:28:15LAUGHTER Can I ask, are scorpions known for forward rolls?
0:28:15 > 0:28:20- LAUGHTER - Definitely.- Oh, yes, Sarah, you're showing your ignorance there.
0:28:20 > 0:28:25- LAUGHTER - I've tried a scorpion and I've tried an ant.- Well done.- And that's it.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28- All right.- That's like the start of a really bad musical.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32BOTH: # I tried a scorpion, I tried an ant
0:28:32 > 0:28:35- # And that's it - LAUGHTER
0:28:35 > 0:28:38- # Try a bug, try a bug, no - LAUGHTER
0:28:38 > 0:28:43- I mean... - # Now I'm an insect sycophant - LAUGHTER
0:28:43 > 0:28:48- Have you had anything, Sarah? - No.- You should try an ant. - I think you should have an ant.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52- Well, you're not me mam, so... - LAUGHTER
0:28:52 > 0:28:55APPLAUSE
0:28:55 > 0:28:59You might all end up with superpowers, but you'll need somebody to save.
0:28:59 > 0:29:03- That's true.- No, we'll need somebody to push us round. - LAUGHTER
0:29:03 > 0:29:09- We'll need some home help once we get our superpowers. We'll all be delirious.- That'll be champion.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13- Oh, good. - Remember, never put anything in your mouth that hasn't been boiled.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15I thought that was an old mother's thing.
0:29:15 > 0:29:20My mam said you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23- LAUGHTER - That was my sex chat.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26- That was your sex chat?- Yeah.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28LAUGHTER
0:29:28 > 0:29:31- She didn't mention your vagina, then? Just your mouth. - LAUGHTER
0:29:31 > 0:29:35- Well... - LAUGHTER
0:29:35 > 0:29:38- Oh, no! - LAUGHTER
0:29:38 > 0:29:41- I don't know what came over me. - APPLAUSE
0:29:41 > 0:29:44- This is my first time on the show! - I know.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48Don't make me put a scorpion up me nunny.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52LAUGHTER Sarah, if you would just entertain...
0:29:52 > 0:29:55I'm not saying now, I'm not saying now,
0:29:55 > 0:29:59but if you did five minutes before an gynaecological appointment
0:29:59 > 0:30:01and you went, "I've got a bit of an itch..."
0:30:01 > 0:30:05- LAUGHTER - You would be the subject of a medical paper
0:30:05 > 0:30:08that would be published around the world!
0:30:08 > 0:30:10- Wow. Fame. - You would be the miracle woman.
0:30:10 > 0:30:15- Anyway...- That shrimp is now looking like it's going, "Hurry up". - LAUGHTER
0:30:15 > 0:30:19- "Is there another round? Cos I don't think I've got another jump in me." - LAUGHTER
0:30:19 > 0:30:23Apparently it'll take him three hours to get exhausted.
0:30:23 > 0:30:28Anyway, from shrimp mills to ant mills. What does an ant mill do?
0:30:28 > 0:30:33- Is it like ground ants?- Ground ants?
0:30:33 > 0:30:38- Delicious.- Would you like some ground ant?- Do they make bread?- No.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41No, what happens is, occasionally they lose the pheromone trail
0:30:41 > 0:30:45that the leaders have and they start following each other in a circle
0:30:45 > 0:30:50and the circle just goes round and round and round and round until they die.
0:30:50 > 0:30:54- They just get completely stuck. - What, like an ultimate conga?- Yes.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56LAUGHTER
0:30:56 > 0:30:59HE SINGS CONGA
0:30:59 > 0:31:01I'm knackered!
0:31:01 > 0:31:06There was one observed in the 1920s. It was 1,200 feet in circumference.
0:31:06 > 0:31:11It took two and a half hours for an ant to complete a whole circuit
0:31:11 > 0:31:15and they were just going round and round and they just follow the one in front.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18- Like dads at a wedding.- Yes! - LAUGHTER
0:31:18 > 0:31:20If one of them was a bit down
0:31:20 > 0:31:22and wanted to take some others with it...
0:31:22 > 0:31:26Yes! It could lead them on a false trail.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29- Absolutely.- Cool. - Wouldn't that be beastly?
0:31:29 > 0:31:33I've got a rule. If it comes in my house then I'm allowed to kill it.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36- Right.- Trespassing.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39- So how many Jehovah's Witnesses have you... - LAUGHTER
0:31:39 > 0:31:41APPLAUSE
0:31:43 > 0:31:47- Yeah. You're laughing, but... - LAUGHTER
0:31:47 > 0:31:50- Yeah. Four.- Under the floorboards.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54But if it's outside, I have to leave it alone, cos technically I'm in its house.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56That's a rather sweet way of looking at it.
0:31:56 > 0:32:00Ants in an ant mill follow each other round in a circle until they died.
0:32:00 > 0:32:04Why shouldn't you breathe... Excuse me, what shouldn't you breathe in...
0:32:04 > 0:32:10- What shouldn't you breathe in if you're a stink ant? - Is it your own...
0:32:10 > 0:32:14- Your friend's anus. - LAUGHTER
0:32:14 > 0:32:16I think that's a general rule.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19- You don't have to be a stink ant. - LAUGHTER
0:32:19 > 0:32:21It's a really weird life cycle, this.
0:32:21 > 0:32:26It's a really creepy and unpleasant life cycle that the stink ant is victim of.
0:32:26 > 0:32:30It spends its life in the rainforests of Cameroon
0:32:30 > 0:32:36foraging on the ground, eating bits of leaf mould and generally having a perfectly reasonable life.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39And way up in the canopy somewhere is this spore.
0:32:39 > 0:32:45And occasionally they go "Pssshhh!", a fungus, and millions of these things drop down.
0:32:45 > 0:32:50And if the ant breathes it in, it eats the ant from inside
0:32:50 > 0:32:53and it starts with the brain and it sends the ant a bit mad.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57And it does something that the ant would never otherwise do.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59It makes the ant climb the tree.
0:32:59 > 0:33:03So the ant climbs the tree and it gets to a certain height
0:33:03 > 0:33:06and it's kind of programmed its brain. It sounds insane.
0:33:06 > 0:33:10The ant then puts its mandibles into the tree and waits to die
0:33:10 > 0:33:13and then the spore keeps growing and growing
0:33:13 > 0:33:17and it pushes a shoot out of what was once the brain of this poor ant,
0:33:17 > 0:33:19it's eaten all its other soft parts,
0:33:19 > 0:33:23and this great shoot comes out which produces more spore
0:33:23 > 0:33:25that drops down and drags up more ants.
0:33:25 > 0:33:29We've got a picture, just in case you don't believe me, of a poor ant...
0:33:29 > 0:33:33- You've done a picture of this happening.- This is a real thing. This is the ant climbing up,
0:33:33 > 0:33:37looking a bit unfortunate. You'll be able to see, this is it here.
0:33:37 > 0:33:41It's been eaten from the inside and there is the spore growing out of what was once its brain.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44You can see, the rest of its body has been eaten.
0:33:44 > 0:33:48And that is... And there's that spore growing out
0:33:48 > 0:33:52and then it eventually stops and the whole thing starts again.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56- What a weird and cruel thing. Isn't it?- Aw, that's sad.
0:33:56 > 0:34:01It's like when people say, "There must be a god because of skylarks and water voles."
0:34:01 > 0:34:04- You say, "Yeah, and because of that?" - LAUGHTER
0:34:04 > 0:34:08It's called cordyceps, this particular fungus, and that's its life cycle,
0:34:08 > 0:34:11basically to rain down onto the forest floor,
0:34:11 > 0:34:16get breathed in by an ant, make the ant go crazy and climb a tree and complete its cycle.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19Or to give it its human name, Special Brew.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22LAUGHTER
0:34:22 > 0:34:27That is a good visual representation of what the hangover's like off it.
0:34:27 > 0:34:31- LAUGHTER - Ohh, what am I doing up a tree?
0:34:31 > 0:34:35- LAUGHTER - Agh, my head feels like I'm growing spores!
0:34:35 > 0:34:38LAUGHTER
0:34:38 > 0:34:43- Imagine if it happened to people. - Oh, God.- To see someone, like, "Oh, no, he's going up a tree".
0:34:43 > 0:34:46- LAUGHTER - And all the soft tissues get eaten.
0:34:46 > 0:34:50You can see, it's not just the brain, it's all the bits lower down.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53- You'd just have to let them go. - I'd be really gutted if I breathed it in,
0:34:53 > 0:34:57didn't really climb the tree, fell off and just ended up with a bump.
0:34:57 > 0:35:01- LAUGHTER - Cos there wasn't enough material to feed off.
0:35:01 > 0:35:05- Aww!- You just wake up and they go, "What's that?" and you go, "Oh, nothing".
0:35:05 > 0:35:08- LAUGHTER - There's plenty in there.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12And so to the inevitable backbone of QI, General Ignorance.
0:35:12 > 0:35:17Fingers on buzzers if you please. Name a vertebrate with no backbone.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Nick Clegg. LAUGHTER
0:35:20 > 0:35:24- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Whey!
0:35:27 > 0:35:29A popular answer.
0:35:29 > 0:35:34- Er...- A vertebrate without a backbone?- It seems an impossibility.
0:35:34 > 0:35:40- But there is something that is classified as a vertebrate that has no backbone.- Worms?- No, a big...
0:35:40 > 0:35:45- Like a whale or something? - Well, it's not a mammal. It is a fish, though. Big fish.
0:35:45 > 0:35:50- Eel.- Dolphin?- Er, a dolphin isn't really a fish, to be honest.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53- LAUGHTER Well, it looks like one. - It looks like one, I agree.
0:35:53 > 0:35:58- Stingray.- Well, stingrays and mantas don't have them, but it's the shark.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00Sharks are classified as vertebrates.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03They neither have ribcages nor do they have backbones.
0:36:03 > 0:36:08They have things that look very like a backbone, but they're half the weight of bone,
0:36:08 > 0:36:13they're cartilaginous matter with connective tissue. You can see a cross-section.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16- He doesn't look very happy. - No. It's a very cross section.
0:36:16 > 0:36:23LAUGHTER You see the thing behind his eye going all the way back to his tail,
0:36:23 > 0:36:26along his back that looks like a bone? LAUGHTER
0:36:26 > 0:36:33- Yes.- I'm just saying... - I know. It's not actual bone, though. It's cartilaginous matter.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36Cartilage, as we would say in England.
0:36:36 > 0:36:40- LAUGHTER - That's all I have to say on that subject. So, there we are.- Fine.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43- Let that be an end to it!- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:36:43 > 0:36:48What's the strongest creature for its weight in the world?
0:36:48 > 0:36:52- Is it Johnny? LAUGHTER - Geoff Capes.- Geoff Capes?
0:36:52 > 0:36:56There is a stronger man than Geoff Capes in the world at the moment.
0:36:56 > 0:37:00- Zydrunas Savickas, who can...- Can he pull a lorry along with his teeth?
0:37:00 > 0:37:06A 70-tonne plane. But that's only 411 times his own weight and it has to have wheels.
0:37:06 > 0:37:11This creature can pull a force equal to 100,000 times its body weight.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13When I say creature, I mean, it is a living thing,
0:37:13 > 0:37:17- but it's not even an insect, it's tinier.- Our old friend bacteria.
0:37:17 > 0:37:22It's a bacterium. It's a bug in that sense. And it's not one you want to catch.
0:37:22 > 0:37:27It's one that would be most unwelcome in the trouser department.
0:37:27 > 0:37:31- Crab.- No, no, no, it's an actual bacterium, not an insect.
0:37:31 > 0:37:37- Gonorrhoea.- Gonorrhoea is the right answer.- The strongest thing in the world?- Yep, the gonorrhoea...
0:37:37 > 0:37:39- It pulls down your pants and... - LAUGHTER
0:37:39 > 0:37:44- Oh, that's your excuse for catching it.- Seriously, love, I didn't stand a chance.
0:37:44 > 0:37:48Stripped me bare! Do you know how strong they are?
0:37:48 > 0:37:52They have these bundles of long, thin, contractile filaments called pilis...
0:37:52 > 0:37:56- Why is all that toast on screen? - They use these to crawl
0:37:56 > 0:38:00and they can pull along 100,000 times their weight, which is a very small weight.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03Do you know what the cure for gonorrhoea used to be?
0:38:03 > 0:38:07- Er...- Yeah. They'd put a sort of umbrella up the urethra,
0:38:07 > 0:38:11press a button to open the umbrella inside the shaft and then pull out...
0:38:11 > 0:38:15- We've heard it all. We don't need to hear it. - I'd like to hear it. Tell us again.
0:38:15 > 0:38:20- LAUGHTER - You can only do it if they're in your house.
0:38:20 > 0:38:23If you had a particularly unsympathetic doctor,
0:38:23 > 0:38:26he'd then jump around the room going # I'm singing in the rain
0:38:26 > 0:38:30- LAUGHTER - Yes.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32And he'd splash in your own tears.
0:38:32 > 0:38:37LAUGHTER They then cover it in chocolate and sell it as ants.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40- LAUGHTER - Oh, dear me. Yeah.
0:38:40 > 0:38:45That's enough of gonorrhoea, I feel. What do oystercatchers mainly eat?
0:38:45 > 0:38:49- BUZZER - Yes?- Oysters?
0:38:49 > 0:38:52- Ohh! - ALARM BLARES
0:38:52 > 0:38:56- They're just misnamed, oystercatchers.- What do they catch?
0:38:56 > 0:39:00- Is it other shellfish? - Yes. Cockles and mussels, mostly.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03- Are they not very good at catching oysters?- They just love a cockle.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05Who doesn't, pet? Who doesn't? LAUGHTER
0:39:05 > 0:39:10- Are they mainly cockneys? - A huge percentage of European ones are in Britain.
0:39:10 > 0:39:15And the amount they catch is astonishing. Each oystercatcher can get 500 cockles a day
0:39:15 > 0:39:18and given that half of the European population is in Britain,
0:39:18 > 0:39:21that's more than 300,000 birds,
0:39:21 > 0:39:25that's a potential seasonal consumption of 8.9 million tonnes of cockles.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28- I love a cockle. - I love cockle. In vinegar.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31- With a stick. - Yep. That's it. Gorgeous.
0:39:31 > 0:39:36- From a man in a little mobile kiosk. - A little hint of grittiness sometimes.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40- Bit of vinegar.- Yep. Anyway, which animal has the most genes?
0:39:40 > 0:39:43- Des Lynam. - LAUGHTER
0:39:43 > 0:39:45Jeremy Clarkson.
0:39:45 > 0:39:49- ALARM BLARES - Ohh!
0:39:49 > 0:39:51APPLAUSE
0:39:51 > 0:39:53Ohh.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56That's unfortunate.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59It's to do with the age, it's not to do with the complexity.
0:39:59 > 0:40:02- It's Jeremy Clarkson, then. - LAUGHTER
0:40:02 > 0:40:06- Isn't it some plant that has loads more genes than us?- Yes.
0:40:06 > 0:40:10There are quite a few things that have more genes than us. The fruit fly has many more.
0:40:10 > 0:40:14- This is a little water flea. - Don't they think that's because of the age?
0:40:14 > 0:40:19- It's just been around for so long, it's mutated all these different times?- 8,000 more genes than us.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22It's quite a lot. It doesn't do much. It lies around.
0:40:22 > 0:40:27- It carries its own umbrella. - LAUGHTER
0:40:29 > 0:40:33It's a very important part of the food chain in water.
0:40:33 > 0:40:39- It's eaten by fish and... - You can imagine the fish going, "Mm, taste those extra genes!"- Yes!
0:40:39 > 0:40:43Now, why are moths attracted to light?
0:40:45 > 0:40:48- FANFARE - 'Nobody knows!'- Oh, Alan! Well done!
0:40:48 > 0:40:53- You're good at this. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:54 > 0:41:01- Very good! - Well, I just feel that it would've come up, someone would've told me.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04Yes, you're right. There are various theories.
0:41:04 > 0:41:08One is that they're used to the moon and that other sources of light disorient it
0:41:08 > 0:41:13- and they use the moon for navigation and...- It does seem odd that they only come out at night.
0:41:13 > 0:41:17- If they saw the sun, they would love it.- Yes, you'd think!- It would be... LAUGHTER
0:41:17 > 0:41:21If they got up in the morning, they'd go, "Look at that!"
0:41:21 > 0:41:24- Cos the amount they love my bedside lamp...- Exactly.
0:41:24 > 0:41:29I mean, they love my beside lamp, but the sun is significantly bigger than my bedside lamp.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32Maybe that's why they don't, cos if they went for the sun,
0:41:32 > 0:41:37they would all just go for the sun and then fly into the atmosphere and that would be a disaster.
0:41:37 > 0:41:41Some people believe different sources of light confuse their navigation system
0:41:41 > 0:41:45and others think that the moth may think the light is the moon,
0:41:45 > 0:41:49others think the infrared spectrum from things like candles
0:41:49 > 0:41:52may contain a few of the same frequencies of light
0:41:52 > 0:41:57that are given off by a female moth's pheromones. But they're all theories. No-one really knows.
0:41:57 > 0:42:03I like their ambition. They think it's the moon and they go, "I could make it. Look at these. Come on!"
0:42:03 > 0:42:08If you try and catch one, if you're trying to kill it like I do, cos it's in the house,
0:42:08 > 0:42:11and then you turn the light off, I always feel really guilty
0:42:11 > 0:42:14- cos it's as if they go... - SHE SIGHS
0:42:14 > 0:42:17- LAUGHTER - So, nobody knows.
0:42:17 > 0:42:24And that mystery brings us to the eternal mystery of the scores and how fascinating they are.
0:42:24 > 0:42:29In a resolute last place with minus-24, it's Mr Jimmy Carr!
0:42:29 > 0:42:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:33 > 0:42:39Almost teetering on the brink of plusness is Alan with minus-1!
0:42:39 > 0:42:43- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Minus-1.
0:42:43 > 0:42:50And Sarah Millican's first performance has been astonishing with plus-2!
0:42:50 > 0:42:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:53 > 0:42:58But tonight's winner with plus-4 is Johnny Vegas!
0:42:58 > 0:43:02- Yes! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:05 > 0:43:09Ohh! That's all from Jimmy, Johnny, Sarah, Alan and me,
0:43:09 > 0:43:12apart from this final word from Bill Vaughn.
0:43:12 > 0:43:15"We hope that when the insects do take over the world,
0:43:15 > 0:43:21"they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on our picnics." Good night.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:25 > 0:43:29Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:29 > 0:43:33E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:43:33 > 0:43:33.