0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Welcome to QI, where tonight we'll be putting sliced bread to shame
0:00:36 > 0:00:40and reinventing the wheel in a show all about inventions.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Joining me at the lab bench,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46we have a world first, Nina Conti and Gran...
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- Hello. - APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:54..the peculiarly innovative Sean Lock...
0:00:54 > 0:00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:01:02..the patently absurd Bill Bailey...
0:01:02 > 0:01:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:10..and I'm afraid it's back to the drawing board, Alan Davies.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Now, panel,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20if you have any bright ideas you wish to share,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- activate the light bulb in front of you. Bill goes... - BELL
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- ..Sean goes... - HIGHER-PITCHED BELL
0:01:26 > 0:01:30- ..and Nina or Gran goes... - HIGHER-PITCHED BELL
0:01:30 > 0:01:33- ..and Alan goes... - ELECTRIC CURRENT NOISE
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Excellent.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39- Er, so you've brought your grandmother with you.- "Hello".
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Is she familiar with our rule we have in this series?
0:01:42 > 0:01:46We have a "Don't know" rule. We have a 'Nobody Knows' rule.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- Right.- There's a joker you have, which is the 'Nobody Knows'...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51TANNOY: Nobody knows!
0:01:51 > 0:01:55There may be a question to which nobody actually knows the answer.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58The answer is, nobody knows. Can she...?
0:01:58 > 0:02:02- There you go, Gran.- "I can hold it." - Have you got it?- "It's a bit..."
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- She's got a little bit of arthritis in the fingers.- "It's mesmerising."
0:02:05 > 0:02:09- Do you want me to hold it for you? - "No, dear."- Oh, all right.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12"Slap me on the bottom with it, dear.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17- "I won't be like that, I'm just excited."- Fair enough.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Good. Now, my first question is,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23why should you be glad that you didn't invent the flying car,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27the parachute suit or the web rotary press?
0:02:27 > 0:02:32I've got a feeling that the guy with the parachute suit, didn't he die?
0:02:32 > 0:02:33He did.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Um...and then it does follow that they all died.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40They were all killed by their own inventions.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43The inventor of the web rotary press, for example,
0:02:43 > 0:02:47which was a huge advance and revolutionised printing,
0:02:47 > 0:02:51unfortunately the inventor fell into the works and got gummed up in them and died.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- Really?- Yeah. Very sad business.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57But it did change printing. He was called William Bullock.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Which bit of it did he fall in?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Well, into the gearing. I can't imagine how he managed it.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05A bloke the other day, he went through a machine,
0:03:05 > 0:03:09and his whole body went through a tunnel the size of a CD
0:03:09 > 0:03:10and he survived.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11What?!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13LAUGHTER
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Was it Ronnie Corbett? LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Yeah. That would explain it.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24No, his whole head went in, broke every bone in his body...
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- But he did live?- He lived... - Wow!- ..to tell the tale.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Unfortunately, though, he is now in a redundant format.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33LAUGHTER
0:03:33 > 0:03:35APPLAUSE
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Sad.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41That was the fate of William Bullock.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45When it comes to the parachute suit, it was a man called Franz Reichelt, who was an Austrian,
0:03:45 > 0:03:51who was convinced he could jump off the Eiffel Tower, this was in 1912, wearing a parachute suit.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54People warned him it was not a good idea, but he was utterly confident.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58He ripped a page out of a book to test which way the wind was going
0:03:58 > 0:04:00and his last words were, "A bientot."
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Unfortunately, that was the instruction manual(!)
0:04:04 > 0:04:07He jumped off and hit the ground a little bit too hard,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09and was dead.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12So that was not a good result.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14That's not actually an invention, then, is it?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18That's just a really stupid thing to do.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Yes.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Where's the grey area where inventions become...suicide?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26It was a parachute suit that might have worked from higher up.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30The principle behind it was sound - as we know from parachutes, they do work.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- But he just... - He invented jumping off things.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37He invented jumping off things badly, yeah.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40The flying car you ought to know about.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42This was a Californian engineer called Henry Smolinski.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Look at that.- "It's lovely.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47"I can't fly or drive, though,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50"because I can't see, because my eyes are marbles.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55"But I can point where I want to go, look. There!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58"Higher! There's buildings down there.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- "Hello."- Hello.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- "Pull my finger, dear."- OK. - "Nothing happened."
0:05:05 > 0:05:07LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:09You've got a very, very warm finger there, Gran.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12"Oh, no, don't say that, dear.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16"It'll draw attention to it. Where it's been."
0:05:16 > 0:05:19All right, thank you! Thank you!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Thank you, Gran.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24On the face of it, it's rather a marvellous idea.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Smolinski's idea was that you drove to an airport, you collected the wings,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30you'd fly 500 miles-odd to the next city,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33where you'd take the wings off and you would drive off again.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35And it worked really well.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Then in 1973, he was on a flight and one of the struts broke
0:05:39 > 0:05:41and he and his co-pilot plunged to their death.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45The idea was never thought of again. I think it should be brought back.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I thought he would have died when he was in the air
0:05:48 > 0:05:50and he got up to go around with the drinks trolley.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- It's simple. It worked with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.- Yes.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Did they have two sets of controls?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- You've asked an intelligent question.- Extraordinary(!)
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Hooray! - APPLAUSE
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Joysticks, and it turns over like in Thunderbirds?
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Was it a big switch - "Plane", "Car"?
0:06:16 > 0:06:20The car steering was modified so you could fly from the driver's seat,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22so it was pretty much all in one.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- So you could steer it with the steering wheel?- Yes.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29- I'd love one of those, wouldn't you? - I'd love one too.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- "Difficult to park, dear." - I think it's a brilliant idea.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- I don't like flying.- Don't you?- No.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39But I was bought a flying lesson for my 40th birthday.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43My entire family clubbed together and bought me a flying lesson.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45It was £99.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Your entire family spent £99 on you?
0:06:47 > 0:06:52Yeah, on my 40th, so I was in quite a bad mood when I turned up.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Especially as there's 99 of them.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57LAUGHTER
0:06:57 > 0:07:02"I have to stay in overhead compartment, don't I, dear?" Yes.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06- Oh, that's a bit mean.- "No nuts."
0:07:06 > 0:07:09You have to open the compartment slowly in case you fall out?
0:07:09 > 0:07:13- "I'll fall out and hurt someone, yes, it's tragic."- It is tragic.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15"But I'll keep going. Happy days."
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Are you allowed to use the loo?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21"No, I don't have any bodily functions, dear.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25"I just sit there for comfort, but nothing happens."
0:07:25 > 0:07:27LAUGHTER
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Too much information, Gran.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34There are all these other grans in the overhead compartments,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36crawling about during the flight!
0:07:36 > 0:07:41I don't know why you go on the plane. Why don't you just post yourself?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43LAUGHTER
0:07:43 > 0:07:45"It's expensive, dear. I'm heavy." That's not true.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I lost her once on a plane, an airline,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51which for legal reasons I'm not supposed to name.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- "Ryanair." - LAUGHTER
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- APPLAUSE - She's fab!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Did you have to pay an extra seat for her or an extra cabin area?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08"No, unfortunately she's a cheapskate."
0:08:08 > 0:08:10That's why I... I don't know.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13She's a bit big for hand luggage, so it's a dilemma.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15"It's always a risk.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18"Would you put your granny in the hold, dear?"
0:08:19 > 0:08:21No, I wouldn't.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I have a friend who has one of those micro pigs,
0:08:23 > 0:08:29and she puts the pig in hand luggage in the cabin without telling them.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- It's only a pig, isn't it? - It's one of those tiny pigs.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Are they easy to look after? My wife would love one of those.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38You can grow them in special tubes,
0:08:38 > 0:08:42so they're triangular and they'll fit in a Toblerone box.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- Well, somebody... - Is that a Toblerone? "Oink!" No.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Sometimes they grow and grow, and basically you've got a huge pig.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53You've just got an actual pig.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55What you bought was a piglet.
0:08:55 > 0:09:00Imagine being conned by a pig salesman!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03It's called buying a pig in a poke. It's a phrase for it.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- Pig salesmen used to be dishonest. - "Can you say that, Nina?"
0:09:07 > 0:09:10What, pig in a poke? "Can I say that?"
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Go on, say, "Pig in a poke."
0:09:12 > 0:09:15"That's a challenge to a ventriloquist."
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- If I say pig in a poke, it's fine. - You say it, Gran.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- "No."- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Go on, Gran. "Pig in a poke." - APPLAUSE
0:09:24 > 0:09:26That was impressive!
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- How do they do that?- How do they do that?- I didn't know it meant that.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33A pig in a poke? What's a poke, then?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36A poke is a sack. A pocket is a small poke.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40- So you haven't seen the pig?- Exactly. - It could be a dog.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45The point is all those inventions tragically killed their inventors.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Which well-known invention is the wickedness which lurks in the belly
0:09:49 > 0:09:52and deserves to dwell in the cesspool?
0:09:53 > 0:09:58The wickedness which lurks in the belly.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02- Er...- Do you know...- Sunny Delight.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- "I know!"- Gran? - We know, because this...yes...
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Um...I am a belly speaker.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13You are a belly speaker. Ventriloquist.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14That's it. You're a tummy speaker.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17It was considered to be a possession by demons
0:10:17 > 0:10:20if someone could have this voice come from their tummy -
0:10:20 > 0:10:24it didn't seem to come out of their mouths - or throw their voice.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27There was a Patriarch of Constantinople
0:10:27 > 0:10:28by the name of Photius,
0:10:28 > 0:10:32who once excommunicated the Pope, and he was the one...
0:10:32 > 0:10:34There you are! Have a go. Have a go.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Oh, have we all got these?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- MUMBLING:- "Pig in a poke."
0:10:38 > 0:10:42- APPLAUSE - I am very impressed.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- Here's one.- The weird thing is... - ELECTRIC CURRENT NOISE
0:10:47 > 0:10:49That puppet is a ventriloquist,
0:10:49 > 0:10:52and its lips didn't move when you said that,
0:10:52 > 0:10:56so it's operating you, which is fantastic!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58It really is a lot...
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- MUMBLING:- "It really is a lot harder than it looks."
0:11:03 > 0:11:07- "You've had a stroke, dear." - LAUGHTER
0:11:07 > 0:11:10APPLAUSE
0:11:11 > 0:11:13"He looks like ET."
0:11:13 > 0:11:17- No, don't, Gran.- "I am Bogdan.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20"I like you very much.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23"You are attractive lady."
0:11:23 > 0:11:28"If I start on you, you'll never see the light of day again."
0:11:28 > 0:11:30"Come with me. I have Oyster Card."
0:11:30 > 0:11:32LAUGHTER
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- MUMBLING:- "Are you moving your lips?"
0:11:38 > 0:11:40HE MUMBLES
0:11:42 > 0:11:45HE MUMBLES
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Sean, let's see if you can do any better.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- Are you hoping...? - I'm not moving my lips!
0:11:55 > 0:11:59Oh, sorry, it's a left-handed puppet. Sorry!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04HE GROANS
0:12:05 > 0:12:08That's the only thing I tend to do is... HE GROANS
0:12:09 > 0:12:11LAUGHTER
0:12:13 > 0:12:16"Pieces of eight. Pieces of eight."
0:12:16 > 0:12:19You don't actually have to stretch your mouth.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23It's the only way I can do it! I can't do it any other way!
0:12:23 > 0:12:26HE SCREAMS
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- BELL - Hey!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36"Oh, no!"
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- Oh, I've broken it!- You have!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Oh!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- BELL - Oh, Bill Bailey!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48"What the hell's he doing?"
0:12:50 > 0:12:530h, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!
0:12:55 > 0:12:59What a wretched disappointment to us all you are.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02HE SOBS
0:13:04 > 0:13:07I can't get the talking to... I can't get the talking to you.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- MUMBLING:- "You're an idiot."
0:13:11 > 0:13:12It's very difficult.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16You have to look like you're listening when you're talking.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- You look at her?- Yes, you have to look like you're listening
0:13:19 > 0:13:22when you are in fact talking. It's quite difficult.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25"The first rule of show business, make everything look easy." Sorry.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- That's true. - "Not like this half-wit over here,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- "milking it for all it's worth." - LAUGHTER
0:13:31 > 0:13:34APPLAUSE
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I think...it doesn't matter if your lips move, because surely
0:13:39 > 0:13:42this gives the game away.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44LAUGHTER
0:13:44 > 0:13:45In those circumstances, yes.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49A stick here suggests it's not actually a real thing,
0:13:49 > 0:13:52so it doesn't really matter whether my lips move, does it?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55"I thought this was a highbrow show."
0:13:55 > 0:13:56To make it highbrow...
0:13:56 > 0:14:00I'm sure you can help us, Nina, on the history of ventriloquism.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I know that it has a very dark history,
0:14:02 > 0:14:06and that ventriloquists used to earn their living
0:14:06 > 0:14:10as if their words were divine utterances.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- Yes, that's the point. - LAUGHTER
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I'm so sorry.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I'm sorry. I was listening, but my hand came out of the top.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I shocked myself!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- That's very disturbing. - It is quite disturbing.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Really disturbing.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29That's horrible. It looks like Alien.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32HE SCREAMS
0:14:32 > 0:14:35It looks like Lady Gaga's sleeves.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Well, you're absolutely right,
0:14:38 > 0:14:41it was regarded as divine utterance, or demonic possession, in fact.
0:14:41 > 0:14:46- And I know one woman died from her ventriloquism.- Who was that?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Um...but I don't know her name. I bet you do.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52With her utterances, she was objecting to
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- the marriage of Henry VIII... - To Anne Boleyn.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- To Anne Boleyn. - Her name was Elizabeth Barton,
0:14:58 > 0:15:00and she was known as the Holy Maid of Kent.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03She was a very good ventriloquist, and these voices would come
0:15:03 > 0:15:06without her mouth moving as if from her stomach.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- "Nice tits, too." - LAUGHTER
0:15:08 > 0:15:12She became very popular until she started to say...
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- Look at the bloke looking at her tits as well! - LAUGHTER
0:15:21 > 0:15:24"You've got yours out as well tonight.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28"Is that to distract from the lip movement?"
0:15:28 > 0:15:31She was very popular until she said that
0:15:31 > 0:15:34if Henry VIII married Anne Boleyn, he would be deposed.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Henry VIII didn't like that, so had her head chopped off.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Ironically, her head was put on top of a pole...
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- And carried on talking! - It was quite a strange fate
0:15:43 > 0:15:45for a ventriloquist to have their head stuck on a pole.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48But she was indeed, she suffered for her art.
0:15:48 > 0:15:54But in the 19th century it became known to be a piece of entertainment rather than demonic spirits.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57But the first ventriloquists on stage didn't have dummies.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59What did they have?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02They used to do things like voices inside suitcases.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04And then ones who did chimney sweeps,
0:16:04 > 0:16:06where there would be a chimney
0:16:06 > 0:16:08and the sound of the chimney-sweep boy going up the chimney
0:16:08 > 0:16:12and getting more smothered and quieter and distant as he went.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Huge rounds of applause.
0:16:13 > 0:16:19But it was a man called Fred Russell who came up with his character, Costa Joe, one of the first dummies.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Was he blind? LAUGHTER
0:16:21 > 0:16:23He made that one afternoon.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26It's not the most beautiful object you've ever seen, is it?
0:16:26 > 0:16:30But that's when the dummies became popular.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32There were many, many famous acts.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Some of them, rather bizarrely, on radio.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- Educating Archie. - LAUGHTER
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Educating Archie was one of the most successful
0:16:40 > 0:16:43radio comedy shows in BBC radio history.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Peter Brough, there's Peter Brough,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47there's Archie, and it was a radio show.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49He had the puppet the whole time? He never even,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51"What's the point with the puppet?"
0:16:51 > 0:16:54It's the show that Tony Hancock first appeared on, in fact.
0:16:54 > 0:16:59He made the mistake, Peter Brough, when television arrived, of appearing on television.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02He just spoke like this while his puppet was talking.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06He didn't even begin to venture towards ventriloquism.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08"Nina is a ventriloquist, apparently."
0:17:08 > 0:17:13- Nina, are you? - "I'm yet to see evidence of that."
0:17:13 > 0:17:17But my mentor, Ken Campbell, who taught me ventriloquism,
0:17:17 > 0:17:22he excited me by saying that people don't say the first thing
0:17:22 > 0:17:25that comes into their head, they say the second thing,
0:17:25 > 0:17:27and we are all barmier than we let it be known.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31"Once your insanity starts to leak, they put you away."
0:17:31 > 0:17:33But the ventriloquated doll can allow us access
0:17:33 > 0:17:36to the madness of the ventriloquist.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39It's a kind of Tourette's, almost.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40"Licensed Tourette's, dear."
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Licensed Tourette's. That's a very good thing.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Ken Campbell was one of the true great men of the 20th century,
0:17:46 > 0:17:48as an entertainer, a director,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50a show-maker, actor, comic and ventriloquist.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53What happened to his dolls?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Oh, he bequeathed them to me in his will.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- "And I'm one of them, you see?" - Were you one of Ken Campbell's?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02"I was one of his, yes, so I've been recycled."
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- There is a doll heaven, isn't there? - There is a doll heaven.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- We've just made a film about this. - Have you?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10When Ken left me his puppets in his will,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13I found this place called Vent Haven in Kentucky
0:18:13 > 0:18:16where dummies go to rest. There it is!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Aaaargh!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Aaaargh!
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Aaaargh! You'd never stop screaming, would you?
0:18:28 > 0:18:33- If you're a coulrophobe, you won't be... But that's right...- Aaaargh!
0:18:33 > 0:18:38Over 700 ventriloquists who have died have bequeathed their puppets
0:18:38 > 0:18:39to Vent Haven, Kentucky.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- Apart from Gran... - "No, I'm there, actually."
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Who do you reckon has murdered the most?
0:18:46 > 0:18:50You're thinking of Chucky in Child's Play, aren't you?
0:18:50 > 0:18:55Your classic puppet was a really big, round, blue-eyed sort of thing
0:18:55 > 0:18:59with dark eyebrows and a very particular sort of look.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03- Do you recognise what that still is from?- Magic.- The film Magic.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06This story is the classic,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09the ventriloquist who gets taken over, gets possessed.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Is there any truth in that? Do ventriloquists get slightly too close?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- Does Keith Harris get...- ORVILLE VOICE:- A bit too close to Orville?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I can't speak for him.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"No, because you're not that good a ventriloquist."
0:19:21 > 0:19:25- I know that I have fallen for my puppets.- Really?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27"What do you mean, dear?"
0:19:27 > 0:19:31I have on stage sometimes looked at Granny and thought,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33why aren't you saying anything? This is your line.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Oh, really? That's hilarious.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40- That's hilarious! - APPLAUSE
0:19:44 > 0:19:46The madness is starting to kick in.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49It must be a wildly schizophrenic profession.
0:19:49 > 0:19:54I don't know on what dark night of the soul Keith Harris invented a duck like that.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- "Or a haircut like that!" - I was going to say!
0:19:57 > 0:20:01- As for the shirt, holy smoke! - Well, still...
0:20:01 > 0:20:04I love the fact that Orville is in a nappy.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06That was odd, wasn't it? A duck in a nappy.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Which was the opposite of Donald Duck,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11because he always had his privates out, didn't he?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Yes. Good point. There you go.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18- A very good point. A very good point. - Thank you.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20I think I made that point excellently.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I'm delighted with that point.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29- I'll give you a point for that point.- Thank you.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- MUMBLING:- The art of ventriloquism has come on leaps and bounds
0:20:32 > 0:20:33since back in the good old days.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- You're doing it now!- Yeah.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Speaking of which,
0:20:36 > 0:20:41which of you here has, has ever had, or used to have an imaginary friend?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Did you, Gran? Did you have an imaginary friend?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45"I think..." I can't say his name!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48"I think Bill Bailey - that's a hard one -
0:20:48 > 0:20:52"I think you're my imaginary friend. You're slightly out of focus.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55"Fuzzy, kind of. And you, Sean..."
0:20:55 > 0:20:59That's very strange. My reality is being called into question by...
0:20:59 > 0:21:02LAUGHTER
0:21:02 > 0:21:05This is one of the odder conversations I've had, but...
0:21:05 > 0:21:08"If your imaginary friend falls over in the forest
0:21:08 > 0:21:12"and there's no one to hear, does that...? I can't finish this!"
0:21:12 > 0:21:17That's a good philosophical point. We're getting Bishop Berkeley from Gran. I am very impressed.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Did you have one? I mean, lots of children do.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- Did you have an imaginary friend? - I'm not aware of it.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25They didn't used to come round much.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28LAUGHTER
0:21:28 > 0:21:31An imaginary friend who never plays with you!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33An imaginary friend who counts you dead!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Yeah, I wanted to be his friend, but...
0:21:36 > 0:21:41- Ah, that's so sad! - ..he just wasn't interested.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43But we're familiar with the concept,
0:21:43 > 0:21:47and the fact that a lot of children do seem to have an imaginary friend,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- which can worry their parents. - It is a really peculiar thing.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54They lay places at the table for them, they have seats on sofas to watch television
0:21:54 > 0:21:57and they have tea parties for them.
0:21:57 > 0:22:02But according to psychiatrists, having an imaginary friend is a very good thing for a child.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Children who've had them tend to have more social and verbal skills than those who don't.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Although, it must be said, a certain proportion of them are malevolent.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14Some people have imaginary friends who scare their children, which is a very worrying thought.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15A nasty imaginary friend.
0:22:15 > 0:22:20- I hear voices.- Do you?- But I ignore them and I just carry on killing.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23LAUGHTER
0:22:23 > 0:22:25APPLAUSE
0:22:27 > 0:22:32The voices say, "Stop killing people, Sean!"
0:22:32 > 0:22:37"You know this is wrong, Sean. This isn't fair. They don't deserve it."
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I ignore them.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44It is, yes, it's quite a phenomenon. It was Yasser Arafat, of all people,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46who said the history of religious wars
0:22:46 > 0:22:50is the history of people fighting over their imaginary friends.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53It's weird the man who founded the Palestinian movement,
0:22:53 > 0:22:57which is now so bound up with religious extremism,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59was himself rather sceptical about it all.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02The world has hardly come on, let's be honest.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05The interesting thing I know about him, he married a Frenchwoman.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07You wouldn't think that, would you?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10It's not beyond the bounds of reason!
0:23:10 > 0:23:14You'd think - he's very interested in helping his local area -
0:23:14 > 0:23:17he'd choose one of his local women.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Yes, but the very nature of being a Palestinian meant he had no homeland in which to live,
0:23:21 > 0:23:26so it was quite likely he would choose someone from a homeland where he'd had to reside in exile.
0:23:26 > 0:23:31- And many did in France.- Or maybe she was just an imaginary wife.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Or maybe she was just damn hot!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- She was foxy.- Foxy, yeah.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42- Was he...- Was he a pussy hound? I don't know.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47- Why did I say that? - LAUGHTER
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- APPLAUSE - Something has gone wrong.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I'm intrigued to know...
0:23:53 > 0:23:57I'm intrigued to think you thought that was what I was about to say.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01You looked into my eyes and thought, "He's going to say pussy hound.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04"I'll beat him to it. I'll beat him to the punch."
0:24:04 > 0:24:08- Now...- Is a pussy hound like a liger?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11LAUGHTER
0:24:11 > 0:24:14A cat and a dog together.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19It's actually a dog that a gentleman would send out to find ladies.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21HE WHISTLES
0:24:23 > 0:24:27It's a combination. It's kind of both independent and yet loyal.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32Yes! I like the idea of that. Very good.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- Now, Candice Bergen, actress. - Oh, yes.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39- Fond of her?- She's very, very beautiful.- Very, very beautiful.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Didn't have so much an imaginary friend as an imaginary brother.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46- Can you imagine why that might be? - "It was Charlie McCarthy, wasn't it?"
0:24:46 > 0:24:51- Exactly. The most famous American ventriloquist was...?- Edgar Bergen.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55- Edgar Bergen. He was a huge star. - "His lips moved too."
0:24:55 > 0:24:57His puppet was called Charlie McCarthy,
0:24:57 > 0:24:59and in the house he had his own bedroom,
0:24:59 > 0:25:03his own wardrobe, monogrammed clothes,
0:25:03 > 0:25:07and Edgar Bergen's real daughter, Candice, was brought up, basically,
0:25:07 > 0:25:11as Charlie McCarthy's brother, in a rather freakish and extraordinary way.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14It's amazing she's turned out as sane as she is.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Now, you all have an invention under your benches,
0:25:17 > 0:25:20and we'd like to know what they are. What are we looking at?
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Well, it's some kind of measuring device. Er...
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- We gave it to you for a reason. - Really?- Yes. A quality you have.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32- You might be more likely to guess it than others.- Oh, I see.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Is it a beard-measuring device?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36I wouldn't call your beard a quality.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- I mean, it's a lovely beard, but it's not a quality.- Whoa! Whoa!
0:25:40 > 0:25:44- You've crossed the line, Fry! - It's a feature.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- Don't diss the beard. - It's a charming facial feature.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49It has a musical connection.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51If you were some kind of instrumentalist,
0:25:51 > 0:25:55you might be born, as it were, with limitations that annoy you.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Ah, wait a minute.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Is this something which stretches the reach of a pianist?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Yes. Exactly what it is. Well done.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04APPLAUSE
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Because most people might manage an octave, C to C, kind of thing,
0:26:11 > 0:26:16- and some, as you know, can do C to E.- I can do C to E.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- That's a wide reach. - It is a wide reach.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22So the hand would go in there and you would just undo this thing?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24That's right. And stretch.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- And then stretch and stretch and stretch like that?- Yeah.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- Supposedly it would give you...- Ouch!
0:26:31 > 0:26:36- So what have you got there, Sean? - It's a bottle, Stephen.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40- And what do you think it was for? - For putting stuff in.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43OK. Next, moving on to you, Nina.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45LAUGHTER
0:26:45 > 0:26:46What have you got there?
0:26:46 > 0:26:51"Is this one mine? A suppository for Charlie McCarthy."
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- Do you know, the bizarre thing is, you're not far off.- Oh, really?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57You can unscrew the bottom.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00You're going to have to help me, Gran. "With my teeth?"
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Help me. "I can't get a grip."
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- Maybe Bill will help. - You get one of those with a...
0:27:05 > 0:27:07"I can't do it, dear."
0:27:07 > 0:27:10..with Preparation H.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14- Has this been up someone's arse?- Yes.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16LAUGHTER
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Alan has exactly got it.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19When you get Preparation H,
0:27:19 > 0:27:22you screw a plastic one of those on the top
0:27:22 > 0:27:24and you insert it in your rectum.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- Out of the holes...- The dark oil comes out of the holes.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30..comes the haemorrhoid treatment. Exactly right.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32For the treatment of haemorrhoids.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35- So, this unscrews? - Then you pop in the ointment.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- The ointment goes in there? - Then you screw it up.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- Then you put the thing up your botty.- Up the old...?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43As you screw it up, the ointment squirts out,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45reaching all the places you need it to reach.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48"It squirts out? Happy days, dear."
0:27:48 > 0:27:50At least half the people on the planet
0:27:50 > 0:27:54will be afflicted with haemorrhoids at some point in their lives.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58- Is it something you could self-medicate?- Yes.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02You don't need to. You could ask a friend to do it if you wanted.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Or an imaginary friend.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06I think it would be best, to be perfectly honest.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08What have you got, Alan?
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I've got a pair of glasses that enable me to see into my lap.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13I wonder if they're...
0:28:13 > 0:28:19Because I can read this book, but I'm looking up at you.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23Whilst I'm looking down, I could read and write
0:28:23 > 0:28:25but see straight ahead.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29- Are they for an artist or a painter? - No, they're more lazy than that.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32They're called lying-down spectacles.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34You can lie in bed, put the book on your chest,
0:28:34 > 0:28:36and you'd be able to read while lying down.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37That's rather elegant.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40That's exactly what you need when you're sunbathing
0:28:40 > 0:28:44so you don't have to hold the book like that. Actually, you can do it.
0:28:44 > 0:28:45Absolutely perfect.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49It doesn't look weird at all, you look great(!)
0:28:49 > 0:28:53If you caught the sun on the mirror, you'd be instantly blinded.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56But it's a surprisingly clear image, isn't it?
0:28:56 > 0:29:00And here I have this little device with a cork on the end.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03It's in the shape of a policeman's whistle, which is a hint,
0:29:03 > 0:29:07because policemen would carry these around with them.
0:29:07 > 0:29:08That's for blowing bubbles.
0:29:08 > 0:29:12It does look like it. There would be a liquid in there.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15The liquid would be salts of ammonia.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18- Oh, smelling salts. - Smelling salts, exactly!
0:29:18 > 0:29:22This was called the policeman's lady reviver.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25- "I need that, dear." - You need a lady reviver?
0:29:25 > 0:29:30When a lady fainted in the street, the policeman would whip it out...
0:29:30 > 0:29:32LAUGHTER
0:29:32 > 0:29:35Please! Oh!
0:29:35 > 0:29:37APPLAUSE
0:29:37 > 0:29:41That was them. That was them.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44He would whip it out and wave it under the lady's nose.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47- That would wake her up. - Under the...woo-hoo!
0:29:47 > 0:29:51Yes. The sharp smell of ammonia, which was in the smelling salts.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55Have you come to a sensible decision as to what your flask is for?
0:29:55 > 0:30:00It's got it written on it if you took the trouble to bloody read it.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03- "Harden Star Hand Grenade."- Yeah.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06It's a hand grenade, Stephen.
0:30:06 > 0:30:07It's a kind of hand grenade.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10- It's a fire-extinguisher hand grenade.- It's a water grenade.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12You'd fill it with aqueous solution
0:30:12 > 0:30:13and you'd throw it at a fire.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17That was the idea. You'd throw it. Those are our inventions,
0:30:17 > 0:30:19lots of very imaginative ones,
0:30:19 > 0:30:23and they were kindly lent to us by the Maurice Collins Collection.
0:30:23 > 0:30:24All in beautiful condition.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27Thank you for that and for not breaking them.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29How did Edwin Beard Budding's invention
0:30:29 > 0:30:33affect an army of men with wooden blocks strapped to their feet?
0:30:33 > 0:30:37- Did he invent duckboards? - No, but at least you're thinking.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41- LAUGHTER - I mean that in a non-patronising way!
0:30:41 > 0:30:43Nobody knows!
0:30:43 > 0:30:47- He's put up the card backwards. - LAUGHTER
0:30:48 > 0:30:51Cheapskates - do you just put it on one side?!
0:30:51 > 0:30:56- You cheap...bastards!- Yeah, that's right, it's their fault(!)
0:30:56 > 0:30:59- No...- That doesn't count, I put it up the wrong way.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01We do exactly know why.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04There was a profession, which employed many, many people,
0:31:04 > 0:31:07and in order to fulfil their profession,
0:31:07 > 0:31:08they wore blocks on their feet.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11But this invention got rid of the need for these people...
0:31:11 > 0:31:12The periscope.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15No, it's rather weirder than that. There's a hint for you, darlings.
0:31:15 > 0:31:19- Oh. Grass...- Grass. Yes.
0:31:19 > 0:31:24- How, if you wanted a lawn in olden days...- SEAN: The roller.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26You'd mow it with a roller?!
0:31:26 > 0:31:28- No, the roller... - The roller FLATTENS it.
0:31:28 > 0:31:29- Scything.- You'd scythe it.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32You'd have scythemen in grand country houses,
0:31:32 > 0:31:36and they had...like a golf swing, a very precise action.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39And so the grass was according to how high they were -
0:31:39 > 0:31:41so they'd wear blocks for the higher grass
0:31:41 > 0:31:43and the shorter blocks for the lower grass,
0:31:43 > 0:31:45and they would scythe away.
0:31:45 > 0:31:49And this man, Edwin, invented a little machine
0:31:49 > 0:31:52for sort of cutting the nap of cloth on soldiers' uniforms.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55And he thought, "I wonder if that would work on grass?"
0:31:55 > 0:31:58And he eventually came up with the lawnmower.
0:31:58 > 0:31:59A pretty good invention,
0:31:59 > 0:32:02but actually it altered the world in the most amazing way.
0:32:02 > 0:32:06It allowed football, cricket, all kinds of games to be played.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Public parks - everybody could suddenly have a lawn.
0:32:08 > 0:32:12So he was rather a human benefactor in a way.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15- And where did he do this?- In Stroud. Stroud in Gloucestershire.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18- Is he celebrated there?- Edwin Budding? I'm sure he is, in Stroud.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20I hope there are Stroudians watching.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23Probably up there with Laurie Lee as one of the great Strouders.
0:32:23 > 0:32:27"That's a shame for the men - it's my idea of heaven,
0:32:27 > 0:32:31"a lot of men that can't run away from you very quickly.
0:32:31 > 0:32:32"With blocks on."
0:32:32 > 0:32:36It was a shame for the scythemen, I suppose.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39But, yeah. A happy story. I don't see a downside to that story.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42Apart from the fact that there is a British Lawnmowers Museum -
0:32:42 > 0:32:43a bit depressing.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46The Southport British Lawnmower Museum,
0:32:46 > 0:32:50if you happen to be in Southport, has over 300 exhibits,
0:32:50 > 0:32:53especially for its Lawnmowers of the Rich and Famous.
0:32:53 > 0:32:58Where you are able to look, and possibly even touch, Vanessa Feltz's lawnmower.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02- Not just Vanessa Feltz, Alan Titchmarsh...- Oh, he'd probably have a really nice one.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05Nicholas Parsons. What sort of lawnmower would he have?
0:33:05 > 0:33:08- Old.- But heavily made-up. - Heavily made-up?!
0:33:08 > 0:33:11LAUGHTER A Bakelite one.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14Brian May, Roger McGough, Albert Pierrepoint, the public hangman,
0:33:14 > 0:33:17and Prince Charles and Princess Diana.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19I can't believe they had personal lawnmowers.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22- I don't mow my grass.- What do you do with it?- I threaten it.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24- LAUGHTER - Ah! Does it work?
0:33:24 > 0:33:27It's going very well.
0:33:27 > 0:33:31Cowed it into submission. "Don't you grow...!"
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Anyway - the invention of the lawnmower put
0:33:33 > 0:33:37large numbers of scythemen out to grass, as you might say.
0:33:37 > 0:33:38The inventor of bacon and eggs
0:33:38 > 0:33:41also coined the phrase "torches of freedom".
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Who was he, what were they?
0:33:43 > 0:33:46- Sorry - the inventor of bacon and eggs?!- I know -
0:33:46 > 0:33:47it sounds a bit mad,
0:33:47 > 0:33:50but bacon and eggs as a dish that is a sort of breakfast staple
0:33:50 > 0:33:53was invented, as it were, by one man. He made it popular.
0:33:53 > 0:33:58"Torches of freedom" is a phrase that he came up with, this same man. His name was Edward Bernays.
0:33:58 > 0:34:03- He happened to be a nephew of Sigmund Freud.- SEAN: Oh, well...
0:34:03 > 0:34:05LAUGHTER
0:34:05 > 0:34:09He was employed by a food company, and American breakfasts in his day
0:34:09 > 0:34:13were very light - a roll, orange juice, cup of coffee, that was it.
0:34:13 > 0:34:17He collected 5,000 doctors, who basically made testament to the fact
0:34:17 > 0:34:20that a heavy breakfast was better for you than a light breakfast.
0:34:20 > 0:34:24And he basically persuaded America to eat heartily for breakfast,
0:34:24 > 0:34:26and bacon and eggs became the staple.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29And this man is really responsible for what we call public relations.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Two million deaths by heart disease later...!
0:34:32 > 0:34:33LAUGHTER
0:34:33 > 0:34:35Not only that, but he also got women to smoke.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37There was a real problem...
0:34:37 > 0:34:40LAUGHTER
0:34:40 > 0:34:44Did he encourage that man to jump off the Eiffel Tower as well?!
0:34:44 > 0:34:46There was a real problem in the early 20th century
0:34:46 > 0:34:49for the tobacco companies, in that women just didn't smoke.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51In New York City in the '20s,
0:34:51 > 0:34:53a woman was ARRESTED for smoking outside,
0:34:53 > 0:34:55it was considered totally unfeminine.
0:34:55 > 0:34:59I've seen old photos, when they've clearly said, "Come on, girls..."
0:34:59 > 0:35:02- Well, that's the point...- Everyone's having a drag at the same moment.
0:35:02 > 0:35:07This is the point - this is a photo opportunity, he invented it. This is his PR moment.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09His job was to sell cigarettes to women,
0:35:09 > 0:35:12and to sell to America the idea that women should smoke.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15So, during an Easter parade, he got these women,
0:35:15 > 0:35:18and photographed them all smoking.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21And it was a scandal, it was on the front page everywhere.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23But what he said was, "This is feminism."
0:35:23 > 0:35:25This was during the suffrage movement in America,
0:35:25 > 0:35:27he said, "This is an act of independence.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29"These cigarettes are not cigarettes,
0:35:29 > 0:35:31"they are torches of freedom."
0:35:31 > 0:35:34- Torches of freedom! - And so the idea of women smoking
0:35:34 > 0:35:39became a proof of their independence, and of their feminism.
0:35:39 > 0:35:43- "She's set fire to her face." - She has!
0:35:43 > 0:35:46- Hasn't got the hang of it. - Not very used to the smoking.
0:35:46 > 0:35:52So he was a pretty cunning devil, this Edward Bernays.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55Right, let's enough invention - let's now turn our attention
0:35:55 > 0:35:57to the very real, but impractical, general ignorance.
0:35:57 > 0:36:01So fingers on buzzers, those that are still working.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Who invented the internet?
0:36:03 > 0:36:05- Now...- Now.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09- BELL - Yes?- Tim Berners...
0:36:09 > 0:36:11KLAXON
0:36:11 > 0:36:13Fortunately I couldn't remember the name!
0:36:13 > 0:36:16Lucky you couldn't remember his name.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19I think I'm safe with this answer - Parsley the Lion.
0:36:19 > 0:36:20LAUGHTER
0:36:20 > 0:36:23You won't have that up there, will you?
0:36:23 > 0:36:25Wrong, but no forfeit.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28But on this very programme, you were telling the story of how
0:36:28 > 0:36:29Tim Berners-Lee invented the internet.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Of how he invented the World Wide Web.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34Which is much later than the internet.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36It had been around for 20 years before that.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39It's just one of the things that you can use on the internet.
0:36:40 > 0:36:45- It was actually in the 1960s. - 1960s? One of the Beatles.
0:36:45 > 0:36:46LAUGHTER
0:36:46 > 0:36:50No! That's not quite how things worked.
0:36:50 > 0:36:51ARPANET was the original internet -
0:36:51 > 0:36:54it was an offshoot of the American defence programme,
0:36:54 > 0:36:58and the first communication took place in California,
0:36:58 > 0:36:59and when was that?
0:36:59 > 0:37:05In 1969. Two computers, and they were 400 miles apart, one in LA,
0:37:05 > 0:37:07and one at the Stanford Research Institute.
0:37:07 > 0:37:08And the first message, was "LO".
0:37:08 > 0:37:12And it wasn't going to say "LOL"!
0:37:12 > 0:37:14- LAUGHTER - It was going to say "LOGIN",
0:37:14 > 0:37:18but crashed after the L and the O. But it was the first worthy attempt.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21Do you use the computer, Gran?
0:37:21 > 0:37:23"Yes, I use it for dating."
0:37:23 > 0:37:26- Do you now?!- "Oh, yes, I do, yes.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28"I've met a racing driver,
0:37:28 > 0:37:31"and he thinks I'm a 20-year-old lap dancer..."
0:37:31 > 0:37:34- LAUGHTER - "Happy days!"
0:37:34 > 0:37:35LAUGHTER
0:37:39 > 0:37:42"He's in for a shock!"
0:37:42 > 0:37:45According to Berners-Lee, who did invent the World Wide Web,
0:37:45 > 0:37:48the true fathers of the internet are Vint Cerf and Bob Kahn,
0:37:48 > 0:37:51who invented the internet protocol. So there you are.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54Now, how did dinosaurs have sex?
0:37:54 > 0:37:56LAUGHTER
0:37:57 > 0:37:59You're right!
0:37:59 > 0:38:01You're right. We just don't know.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05APPLAUSE
0:38:05 > 0:38:07You're good at those.
0:38:07 > 0:38:11No extant genitals.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14No soft tissue. It wouldn't necessarily be soft,
0:38:14 > 0:38:17but the soft tissues are the bits that don't survive
0:38:17 > 0:38:18in fossils, of course.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21It's only in the last 15 years they've been able to sex a dinosaur fossil.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24The female dinosaurs have a special sort of cavity
0:38:24 > 0:38:27for making extra calcium for eggs.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30That's how you can tell from a fossil whether it's female or male.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32Obviously, that would be wrong,
0:38:32 > 0:38:35because that would be inter-species dinosaur sex.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38The weirdest kind, and that would be wrong.
0:38:38 > 0:38:42I think he's just looking for a cheap thrill.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45That's not about procreation at all.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47- No, it isn't.- That is a dinosaur S&M dungeon, that.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52And the best guess is that, like most birds and reptiles,
0:38:52 > 0:38:55dinosaurs had a cloacal sac.
0:38:55 > 0:38:56Oh!
0:38:56 > 0:38:59A single opening for both waste and reproduction.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01- Like sharks.- Like sharks, exactly.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04And they mated by a cloacal kiss. There we are.
0:39:04 > 0:39:08What are the right conditions for dry rot?
0:39:08 > 0:39:11- Well, it's damp. - Yes - that's the point.
0:39:11 > 0:39:15- "It's a trick question, dear." - It's a trick question, yes.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18- Have you ever had dry rot? - "Only on my face."
0:39:18 > 0:39:20- LAUGHTER - Lovely.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23- "The latex."- Lovely news. Dry rot, it needs to be damp.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25What about rising damp?
0:39:25 > 0:39:28The really surprising thing about rising damp -
0:39:28 > 0:39:30can you tell me what that is?
0:39:30 > 0:39:32- It's not damp.- "It goes down."
0:39:32 > 0:39:36Even more extraordinary than that.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40According to many, many people in the architectural, surveying and building world,
0:39:40 > 0:39:44it doesn't exist. It's madey-uppey.
0:39:44 > 0:39:48- It's mould, it's just mould? - Well, it's basically normal damp
0:39:48 > 0:39:51which has come from a source, like a leak or something,
0:39:51 > 0:39:54and this idea that you need to put in a damp course, was...
0:39:54 > 0:39:58Many people genuinely say it honestly doesn't exist, yet it's in the building regulations.
0:39:58 > 0:40:03The former chairman of the Royal Institute of Chartered Surveyors said it was a myth, rising damp,
0:40:03 > 0:40:08and a building expert says that rising damp is only possible in swamps,
0:40:08 > 0:40:12and that as a diagnosis it only became common in the '60s.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14I'll tell you when you DO see it. I've seen girls in London
0:40:14 > 0:40:17wearing flared jeans going over their shoes...
0:40:17 > 0:40:23- Yes, that's true. - ..on a rainy day, and they get damp almost up to their knees.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26It's not to say that capillary action doesn't exist - it does!
0:40:26 > 0:40:30- Rising damp only exists in ladies' jeans!- Yes!
0:40:30 > 0:40:34It's a heck of a controversial thought, but a myth.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37Name a disease spread by feral pigeons.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40Erm...bum hair.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42- There aren't any.- Exactly.
0:40:42 > 0:40:47- There's nothing wrong with them. - Again, that's it. You're doing awfully well, Alan,
0:40:47 > 0:40:50- you're on fire tonight! - I'm doing very well!
0:40:50 > 0:40:54Basically, this idea that they are disease-infested
0:40:54 > 0:40:57and disease-spreading vermin is nonsense,
0:40:57 > 0:40:59according to experts on pigeons.
0:40:59 > 0:41:04This thing of them being rats with wings is considered very unfair by those in the know -
0:41:04 > 0:41:05they don't spread that much disease.
0:41:05 > 0:41:09They do leave a fair amount of poo, but then so do humans, don't we?
0:41:09 > 0:41:12We've just got a better way of dealing with it, perhaps.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15I tend not to leave it on people's shoulders.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18Well, that's the difference!
0:41:18 > 0:41:21I mean, I wouldn't say I was well brought up...
0:41:21 > 0:41:26There's a few benchmarks we tried to set early on...
0:41:26 > 0:41:28in my toilet training.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30That was one - never on the shoulder.
0:41:30 > 0:41:34It had a big red "No" through it. It was in my bedroom on the door.
0:41:34 > 0:41:38There's a picture of a man with a turd over his shoulder,
0:41:38 > 0:41:40and it says, "No, Sean!"
0:41:40 > 0:41:45You learnt your lesson, and we're all very tidy poo-ers, I'm sure,
0:41:45 > 0:41:48here in this room, including Granny.
0:41:48 > 0:41:52- "Not at all. Don't even do them, dear. Don't eat, don't excrete."- Oh!
0:41:52 > 0:41:55That's the secret of a long and happy life.
0:41:55 > 0:41:58And that's your lot. Time to invent the scores.
0:41:58 > 0:42:03Oh, my goodness me! Very exciting. Very exciting indeed.
0:42:03 > 0:42:07I'm afraid, despite some remarkable performances, in last place
0:42:07 > 0:42:10with minus three, it's Bill Bailey.
0:42:10 > 0:42:14APPLAUSE
0:42:15 > 0:42:20And erm, in a very creditable fourth place with one point, Alan Davies.
0:42:20 > 0:42:24APPLAUSE
0:42:26 > 0:42:28Third place with three, Sean Lock.
0:42:28 > 0:42:33APPLAUSE
0:42:33 > 0:42:35In second place with four is Gran!
0:42:35 > 0:42:37"Oh! Very nice."
0:42:37 > 0:42:41APPLAUSE
0:42:41 > 0:42:44Which means that our winner with plus five is Nina Conti!
0:42:44 > 0:42:46APPLAUSE
0:42:50 > 0:42:53My thanks to Bill, Nina, Gran, Sean and Alan,
0:42:53 > 0:42:55and I leave you with this from Sid Caesar.
0:42:55 > 0:42:59The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
0:42:59 > 0:43:03The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius. Goodnight.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:19 > 0:43:22Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:22 > 0:43:25E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk