0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:36 > 0:00:43Welcome to QI, where tonight's show is completely and utterly incomprehensible.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Venturing into the unknown with me tonight are...What's his name?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:55And...Oh, you know!
0:00:55 > 0:00:57APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:03And...Wait, don't tell me!
0:01:03 > 0:01:05APPLAUSE
0:01:09 > 0:01:14And, finally...No, I've never seen him before in my life.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17APPLAUSE
0:01:19 > 0:01:24Our buzzers tonight are no less perplexing than our questions.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- Sue goes. - BABY TALK
0:01:27 > 0:01:31LAUGHTER Eleven types of wrong, just there.
0:01:31 > 0:01:36- Brian goes. - LASER NOISE
0:01:36 > 0:01:40- Ross goes. - HIGH PITCHED RANTING
0:01:42 > 0:01:47- Alan goes. - ALAN TALKING GIBBERISH
0:01:47 > 0:01:51- "..dirty old bag." - LAUGHTER
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- Wow!- Is that your internal dialogue?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56I think so. I don't know how they got that.
0:01:56 > 0:02:02- Don't forget, in this series, we have the Nobody Knows joker. - TANNOY:- Nobody knows!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05There are some questions to which no-one knows the answer
0:02:05 > 0:02:10and if you think the question I ask has no known, authoritative answer,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13play your Nobody Knows joker and you will get extra points.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Let's start with something that is not even in the same language.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Listen to this and tell me what it means.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23SQUEAKING
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- That's a rodent.- It's a rodent. Good. Can you narrow it down?
0:02:29 > 0:02:33- Is it the squeaky door to his rodent house?- He's asking for some oil(!)
0:02:33 > 0:02:37The astonishing thing is, we do know what that means.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40I can vouch for this. There are people who study this.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45My director on one of my documentaries got a PhD from Oxford studying frog communication.
0:02:45 > 0:02:50- He sat there for three... - He was a professor of French? - LAUGHTER
0:02:50 > 0:02:52No, stop it. Sorry.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55He sat there for three years, in the outback, somewhere in Australia,
0:02:55 > 0:02:59and he discerned about three words which I think were something like...
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Ribbit. LAUGHTER
0:03:02 > 0:03:06You are absolutely right. There are zoologists who spend their life
0:03:06 > 0:03:10trying to understand communications of various species.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14- Do you know what this species is? - The gopher.- It is a gopher.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Exactly. A prairie dog. It's also known as a ground squirrel.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Isn't ground squirrel a condiment?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23LAUGHTER
0:03:23 > 0:03:27A little ground squirrel, madam?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:30 > 0:03:34He's making that face cos he's got Philip Schofield's hand up his bum.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37LAUGHTER
0:03:37 > 0:03:39That takes me back a bit!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Is that what the squeaking noise is?
0:03:42 > 0:03:48When I say, that takes me back, I don't mean there was a time...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER
0:03:50 > 0:03:52It's all gone wrong!
0:03:53 > 0:03:58Anyway, there is a scientist, Professor Con Slobodchikoff
0:03:58 > 0:04:01of Northern Arizona University, who spent 30 years
0:04:01 > 0:04:04studying the language of these prairie dogs.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- Do they warn one another of predators?- Yes.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Is that one of the words?
0:04:10 > 0:04:15He's used computer analysis and they are able to distinguish between different types of predator.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Humans, badgers, various other animals.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Not only that, different geometric shapes.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24And they have a different sound for each one?
0:04:24 > 0:04:30- And different coloured shirts that humans are wearing. The noise we heard.- SQUEAKS:- Human!
0:04:30 > 0:04:36The noise we heard in prairie dog was, "There's a human approaching wearing a yellow shirt."
0:04:38 > 0:04:42I know that sounds almost inconceivable.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46They can't distinguish between different genders of human but they can in different height.
0:04:46 > 0:04:52If a tall human approaches in a yellow shirt, the leader will make a series of squeaks
0:04:52 > 0:04:56and, under computer analysis, you can differentiate between
0:04:56 > 0:05:01- a tall human in a red shirt and a short human in a red shirt... - How wide is their colour palette?
0:05:01 > 0:05:05..and a tall human in a yellow shirt and so on.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Apparently, if a transvestite in tartan approaches, they explode.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11LAUGHTER
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Here is a similar clip but translated into English.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan!
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Al! Alan! Alan! Alan!
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Alan! Alan!
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Alan! Alan! Alan!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Oh, it's not Alan. That's Steve.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Steve! Steve! Steve!
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Steve!
0:05:37 > 0:05:41We can watch that forever, can't we?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43APPLAUSE
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Now it's time for some interplanetary incomprehension.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55What did the Pope's librarian say
0:05:55 > 0:06:01when he first saw the rings around the planet Saturn?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04They initially thought the planet had ears.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- Ah, yes.- That was Galileo.
0:06:06 > 0:06:12I don't think he actually thought it had ears because Galileo was a genius.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Ears in the sense of jug ears, wasn't it?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17No, that's Galileo, who was sensible.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I'm talking about the librarian of the Pope.
0:06:20 > 0:06:27He genuinely believed that it was possible that after Christ's ascension into heaven,
0:06:27 > 0:06:32the rings of Saturn were where he put his foreskin.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Ah, yes.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Now you may think I am trying to mock the Church,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40this is all nonsense, but Christ was a Jewish boy
0:06:40 > 0:06:45and like all Jewish boys, on the eighth day of his birth, he was circumcised.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48But it's 50,000 miles across. Imagine the size!
0:06:48 > 0:06:50They weren't aware of that.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52"I need a peg to hang this massive foreskin on!"
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- I've got a new respect for Jesus. - That is some girth!
0:06:56 > 0:06:59His name was Leo Allatius and his essay was called,
0:06:59 > 0:07:03De Praeputio Domini Nostri Jesu Christi Diatriba.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08A diatribe, a discussion, concerning the prepuce, foreskin, of our Lord Jesus Christ.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13This is how to interest teenagers in astronomy.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- This is a trick I've been missing. - Is it out there as a relic?
0:07:17 > 0:07:24Like all the relics, there are 18 places who claim to have the one true Holy foreskin.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Are there really?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Catherine of Siena was one of the weirder of the saints.
0:07:29 > 0:07:36She believed that Christ gave her his foreskin as a wedding ring
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- in their mystical marriage. - What a gift(!)
0:07:39 > 0:07:43After her death her hand was cut off and became a relic
0:07:43 > 0:07:47with its invisible foreskin on it as a ring.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49She was extremely anorexic, a peculiar woman.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53She actively sought out degrading experiences.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56She once drank a cup full of cancerous pus
0:07:56 > 0:07:58from a woman who had abused her.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01But has she appeared on Mock the Week?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER
0:08:05 > 0:08:08APPLAUSE
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Now, more importantly, more significantly,
0:08:13 > 0:08:17how were the rings around Saturn actually formed?
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- I'm going to play the card there. - You are right!
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- TANNOY:- Nobody knows! - You are a true scientist.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- Nobody does really know, do they? - A-hem!
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- There are two major... - LAUGHTER
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- Well done.- Thank you.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Well done! - APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:39I didn't copy. I wasn't copying.
0:08:39 > 0:08:44There's a Socratic acceptance of the limits of one's own knowledge and there's ignorance.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47I'm not saying which is which.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51No, quite right. There are two major theories.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I think there are two major theories. Is that right?
0:08:54 > 0:08:59There could be a moon that was either disrupted, so something hit it and fragmented it,
0:08:59 > 0:09:04although they are almost pure water ice,
0:09:04 > 0:09:08which, come to think of it, makes the moon theory a bit unlikely, doesn't it,
0:09:08 > 0:09:10because moons are made of rock.
0:09:10 > 0:09:15- Actually...- The other theory is that it is something to do with the formation of the planet itself.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17That something spun-off it in some way
0:09:17 > 0:09:24- and then achieved a stable orbit around and formed these... - God spilled his drink.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27The structures are held by the other moons.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- There are over 60 moons of Saturn. - Are they part of the rings or separate?- Some of them are inside.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Small moons called shepherd moons which go around
0:09:34 > 0:09:38and you get rings in between those moons
0:09:38 > 0:09:43and it's got moons outside the rings which affect the structure of the rings, so they orbit outside.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- It's a very complex... - Any life-carrying moons?
0:09:46 > 0:09:51There's a moon called Enceladus, which is about as big as Britain, it's a very small moon,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54but it has fountains of ice rising up out of the surface
0:09:54 > 0:09:58and it's thought there may be liquid water beneath the surface, so pockets of liquid water.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Everywhere on Earth that you find water, you find life.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Of all these moons, this is the one thing I wanted to ask you,
0:10:05 > 0:10:10of all these moons, which one is most likely to be the home to Ewoks?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13LAUGHTER
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- That would be Titan.- Titan?
0:10:16 > 0:10:21It's got a thicker atmosphere than the Earth so you'd need to be furry.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24LAUGHTER
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- Good answer! - APPLAUSE
0:10:32 > 0:10:36We just have to destroy the one that has Jar Jar Binks on it.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39It's very important when you're learning to study
0:10:39 > 0:10:45- to know which notes to take, not just to take any old notes. - I saw that. Intelligence at work.
0:10:45 > 0:10:50Now, while we're up in space, how do you imagine spacemen follow penguins about?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Why would they want to? How would they do it?
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- I suppose to track colonies. - You're absolutely right.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01They used to try and use little bands around their flippers
0:11:01 > 0:11:06but they found that there was a 44% increase in mortality
0:11:06 > 0:11:09amongst penguins that had these things attached
0:11:09 > 0:11:11so they had to find a way of observing penguins
0:11:11 > 0:11:14and they found they could do it through space.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18What's interesting is, it's the activity of the penguin that is most revealing is...
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- Is it their droppings? - It's how they poo.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- How do they poo?- A German scientist from Bremen...- Straight up.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30LAUGHTER Into the atmosphere.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33He discovered they squeeze four times harder than humans.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- They fire it?- Yes, they do.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39It's a bit like toothpaste, and when you get lots of them together,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42they spell out, "Piss off spacemen."
0:11:44 > 0:11:47It's a streak. They leave a streak of faeces.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52- A splatter gun of guano that's visible from...- Like that.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Oh, no, don't tell me it's sat in the middle of it.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58No, it's not, that's the point. It's squirted it out.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02- 30cms away from its body, it goes. - Somebody took that photo.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06They've still got to walk through it! Surely they should squirt it out the sides.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10It's like painting yourself into a corner, really, isn't it?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13LAUGHTER
0:12:13 > 0:12:17It just looks like somebody ran over that one in a Land Rover.
0:12:17 > 0:12:23Someone's up in space, looking down for Emperor penguin poo?
0:12:23 > 0:12:27No, they're looking for how they're flocking together, how they're living,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29and through an examination of their faeces,
0:12:29 > 0:12:33which are clearly visible because of the trails and streaks they leave behind,
0:12:33 > 0:12:37they're able to predict population rises and falls.
0:12:37 > 0:12:42I think it's rather wonderful. It's a fantastic way of being able to observe animals
0:12:42 > 0:12:44without them even knowing they're being watched
0:12:44 > 0:12:47and being able to gauge their diets and health.
0:12:47 > 0:12:53Still in space, what's the main use for the second commonest gas in the universe?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Oh, second commonest?- Yes.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01- What might be the second most abundant gas in the universe? - Hydrogen.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Hydrogen is the most common, I believe.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07- Nitrogen.- No. - Helium.- Helium is the right answer!
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Helium... filling balloons! I was going to say filling balloons.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Filling balloons is not the reason.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Squeaky voices! Squeaky voices!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17KLAXON SOUNDS
0:13:19 > 0:13:22The question is...
0:13:22 > 0:13:26..the point is, there is a shortage on Earth, not in the universe, of helium.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29The demand for it has gone up in the last 15 years
0:13:29 > 0:13:34and it is not because party entertainment has become a bigger thing,
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- it is actually for something else. - We use it for refrigeration.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Refrigeration. And it's a diagnostic device.
0:13:42 > 0:13:47- An expensive but highly effective diagnostic device that needs cooling.- The MRI.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51That is the right answer. The superconducting, the coils...
0:13:51 > 0:13:55They have to be that heavy otherwise they just float off.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57It's a nightmare.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00They came from particle physics technology.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04You often get criticised because exploring the universe
0:14:04 > 0:14:08is not seen as a useful thing to do for some reason in our society.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Actually, the offshoots are completely unpredictable
0:14:11 > 0:14:13and one of the offshoots of exploring particle physics,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16the world of the atom, quantum mechanics, was the MRI scanner.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- We use helium to cool down the LHC. - Oh, do you?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22The Large Hadron Collider, 27kms in circumference...
0:14:22 > 0:14:26What was unfortunately misprinted as the Large Hard On Collider.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29My spell-checker does that. Large Hard On Colluder.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33It colluded in a large hard on(!)
0:14:33 > 0:14:39But it runs at -271 degrees, so 1.9 degrees above absolute zero.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43That's because you need these superconducting magnets that are in MRI scanners.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47They're magnets made of wire that have no electrical resistance.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50You can put a current through it and have a massive magnetic field.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54But the helium is the only substance that is liquid.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59Our information is, and I don't know what you guys at CERN have,
0:14:59 > 0:15:03is that it's possible that on Earth we will run out of helium by 2035,
0:15:03 > 0:15:08- which is not that far away.- How are we going to make funny voices then?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11With the Collider, with all those magnets in a circle underground,
0:15:11 > 0:15:15on the hills and everything, those Swiss cow bells on the cows,
0:15:15 > 0:15:19when you turn it on, do they all run in a big circle? Moo!
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Moo! Moo! Getting dragged around.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24They go at 99.999999% the speed of light,
0:15:24 > 0:15:28so they go round 27 kilometres 11,000 times a second
0:15:28 > 0:15:32and the cows would weigh, if we did that, 7,000 times more than they do.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- Ouch, my brain!- Wow!
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- It's giving me an erection. - What, the LHC?
0:15:42 > 0:15:47- You've become a Large Hard On Colluder.- Exactly! - LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Exploration. That's the value of exploration.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53And at the smallest level, at a human level and at a cosmic level
0:15:53 > 0:15:57and at a minute particle level. That's the beauty of it.
0:15:57 > 0:16:04- Oh, gosh, I could almost beat it down, and we must carry on... - APPLAUSE
0:16:04 > 0:16:09- I'm glad you are all excited because it is good. - APPLAUSE
0:16:10 > 0:16:15Now, this sounds very existential. When is the present?
0:16:15 > 0:16:19I'm not going to fall into that trap! Who's going to say it?
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Well, it's not really a trap. It's a genuinely interesting question.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26There are different ways of trying to describe what the present might be
0:16:26 > 0:16:30but let's talk about the present in terms of archaeology.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Why are there acorns on the sign? Is that connected?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36It's the sign for squirrels.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Acorns in the future. Acorns in the past.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Did you not know that squirrels have the capacity to time travel?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47They are the only ones who can do that.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51They keep it very quiet because the nuts are better in the past.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56Archaeologists have an acronym, BP, which means Before Present.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59They can date the present. It's an exact date.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01January 1st, 1950.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- That's the present? - For archaeologists.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07There's a good reason for this. You might be able to work it out.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09If you did, I would be very impressed.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- Is it plastics?- Not quite.- Bakelite?
0:17:11 > 0:17:16- Is it...?- No. Archaeologists are interested in the distant past.
0:17:16 > 0:17:23And, recently, in the last 100 or so years, certain techniques have enabled us to discover...
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Carbon dating.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29Carbon dating has allowed us to discover how old things are.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34In the 1950s, basically, they decided by January 1st, 1950,
0:17:34 > 0:17:38we had so screwed up the atmosphere with nuclear testing
0:17:38 > 0:17:44that no carbon dating could be trusted after January 1st, 1950.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46That is known as the present.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49These archaeologists need to learn a bit of physics.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53According to Einstein's Theory of Space and Time, which is our best theory of space and time,
0:17:53 > 0:17:59there's no such thing as a present moment which spans the universe or even the Earth
0:17:59 > 0:18:04or, in fact, even two people moving relative to each other.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08It is absurd to think of an event that might be happening now in a galaxy
0:18:08 > 0:18:11and me doing this as being simultaneous.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14That has no meaning, cosmically, does it?
0:18:14 > 0:18:18You can swap the order of them as long as they're not causally connected.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- You know, if I throw a glass... - LAUGHTER
0:18:22 > 0:18:26If I was to throw a glass over there and it smashes on the ground,
0:18:26 > 0:18:29obviously, I caused it to smash by throwing it.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32You can't have the smash before I throw it.
0:18:32 > 0:18:38However, say the sun and the Earth, the sun is eight light minutes away,
0:18:38 > 0:18:42if the sun exploded now, we wouldn't notice for eight minutes.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46For eight minutes, anything that I do here,
0:18:46 > 0:18:51I talk and I talk and, four minutes later, I'm still talking.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54You can swap the order of those things around
0:18:54 > 0:18:57until the point at which they become causally connected.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00In that case, until the explosion destroys the earth.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04At a quantum level, time can appear to go forwards and backwards
0:19:04 > 0:19:08and follow exact rules in whichever way it's going, doesn't it?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Richard Feynman had a theory, which was a legitimate theory,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14that there's only one electron in the universe.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17We're all made of electrons.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21- Slowly. We're all made of what? - Electrons.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24How do you spell electron? LAUGHTER
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- The Sun has exploded. - LAUGHTER
0:19:27 > 0:19:32- We have eight minutes to live. - LAUGHTER
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Is it a wine glass or more of a tumbler? LAUGHTER
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Richard Feynman, a great physicist, he got a Nobel Prize,
0:19:40 > 0:19:44he said that...you see, all electrons are exactly the same.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48He said, I think perhaps there's only one in the universe
0:19:48 > 0:19:52and it keeps moving backwards and forwards through time
0:19:52 > 0:19:55and every time it crosses "now", this sheet that we call "now",
0:19:55 > 0:19:59you see an electron, electron, electron.
0:19:59 > 0:20:04So all the electrons in my hand, the billions of them, are the same as the electrons in your hand.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06It's just one, wandering backwards and forwards in time.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09And that was a legitimate view.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I've got a feeling that when you're late for a meeting,
0:20:12 > 0:20:13you're an absolute nightmare.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15LAUGHTER
0:20:15 > 0:20:18"You were meant to be here eight minutes ago."
0:20:18 > 0:20:19"Well, actually... If I was to throw a..."
0:20:19 > 0:20:24"Oh, God, he's doing it again!"
0:20:24 > 0:20:27A man called Arthur Eddington came up with a phrase that
0:20:27 > 0:20:31has often been used to describe this nature of time as we perceive it,
0:20:31 > 0:20:32which is "time's arrow".
0:20:32 > 0:20:36People think of it as going in that direction.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38There are limitations to that, is really what you're saying,
0:20:38 > 0:20:39as a theory.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Yeah. We don't know how time works at a very fundamental level.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45But time's arrow - I got my head around that a bit.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50You don't need maths, everything's going forward and as it does, it decays.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- Yes. - So then you understand entropy...
0:20:53 > 0:20:57For instance... All you need is an analogy that's pertinent to you,
0:20:57 > 0:21:01so in my case, "all relationships", and then you realise...of course!
0:21:01 > 0:21:05That perfect 18 months, and then they're dead.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- The second law of sexual dynamics. - Yeah, that's how I...
0:21:09 > 0:21:12According to me, that's how I extrapolate.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16To make it statistically significant you have to have an awful lot of relationships.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Oh, I do!
0:21:18 > 0:21:21And they really do all suffer a form of entropy!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Now, who fancies an ingenious interlude?
0:21:25 > 0:21:30I have some exciting props that I'm thrilled about - I love doing this.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Here - candles. See?
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Candles.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38I'm going to light these candles here.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Red, white and blue.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43SUE: Is that from the Ikea Black Mass kit?!
0:21:43 > 0:21:46ROSS: Is this the point where we all have to kneel down
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- and pray to Jesus's foreskin? - No!
0:21:49 > 0:21:54I promise you I'm going to extinguish these candles, right?
0:21:54 > 0:21:55I have a jug here.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I'm going to extinguish them using an invisible gas.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Not by liquid - using an invisible gas. I just want you to tell me...
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I'll let Brian off, cos he'll know this.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08This to him is so "book one, page one" of Boys' Wonder Book of Science,
0:22:08 > 0:22:13but that's the level I'm at! I'm putting this powder in first.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- Do we know what the powder is? - Then I put in this liquid.- Custard.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21- It's not custard.- Oh, it's...! - I'm going to cover it. Now, watch.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22I'm not going to pour the LIQUID onto it,
0:22:22 > 0:22:24I'm just going to pour the GAS onto here.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29- And out go the candles.- Oooh. - SUE: Oh, I like that!
0:22:29 > 0:22:30APPLAUSE
0:22:32 > 0:22:36- I've got a feeling... - Do another one. Do something else.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40I should be presenting the Royal Institution Christmas lectures!
0:22:40 > 0:22:43So can one of you, who isn't a professor at Manchester
0:22:43 > 0:22:47and a fellow of the Royal Society, tell me what was going on there?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- Is it magic?- It's not...! - LAUGHTER
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- SUE: I think it's carbon dioxide going in.- Yes.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57I took sodium bicarbonate,
0:22:57 > 0:23:00a very common household thing you might use for indigestion
0:23:00 > 0:23:03or for cleaning purposes - and vinegar.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07I put them together and they precipitated Co2. Which is...?
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Heavier than air.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11And simply pouring it there just snuffed out the candles.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I've never seen anyone pour a gas before.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17I know, you don't think of gas as being a pourable thing, but anyway.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I can't tell you how relieved I am that it worked.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Well done, everybody. Especially me!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24APPLAUSE
0:23:25 > 0:23:30If you're ever tempted to carry liquid nitrogen in a lift,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32which actually in physics departments...
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- Liquid nitrogen is very cold. - It is cold, but they don't LET you carry it in lifts,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39because if you spill it, then you get nitrogen gas, and that's heavier than air,
0:23:39 > 0:23:43- and it pushes all the oxygen to the top of the lift. - And people suffocate?- Yes.
0:23:43 > 0:23:48- Even though it's nitrogen, which the air is, mainly.- A mixture.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53Every Al Qaeda cell watching this tonight will be going, "Right!"
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- "Where's the nearest tower block?" - Running around with nitrogen!
0:23:56 > 0:24:00I remember a chemistry lesson, one of the most beautiful things I'd seen.
0:24:00 > 0:24:06Chemistry master came in, someone had prepared some liquid nitrogen - we didn't quite know what it was -
0:24:06 > 0:24:10and he came in with a rose he'd just picked from the garden.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14He dipped the rose in for a second and then smashed it on the table,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17and it shattered like glass into a thousand pieces.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21You may say, "how destructive" and yet it was staggeringly beautiful.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24The idea that you could alter the state of something at such speed
0:24:24 > 0:24:30that it could become...from being the softest, most malleable thing.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- Isn't that lovely? Don't you think that's gorgeous? - ROSS: Beautiful.- It is.
0:24:33 > 0:24:38- I think you're humouring me!- No!- You want me to go back to foreskins.- No.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42I think it's a hilarious Valentine's Day prank.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45"There you go". Wah! "Not for you!"
0:24:45 > 0:24:47LAUGHTER
0:24:47 > 0:24:50The surface of Saturn's moon, Titan, that's so cold that...
0:24:50 > 0:24:56Ooh, hang on. I know a Titan! Titan's the one where the Ewoks live!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Ewok planet! Yay!
0:24:58 > 0:24:59You see!
0:24:59 > 0:25:03So hang on, I've got it -
0:25:03 > 0:25:06so basically, you're saying you can shatter an Ewok.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10- Yes! It's got lakes of liquid methane.- Wow!- Cos it's so cold.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13And the methane behaves exactly like water on earth
0:25:13 > 0:25:17so you get rain - methane rain, methane snow, methane ice
0:25:17 > 0:25:18and lakes of methane.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23- There's a lake there which is as large as Lake Superior. - SUE: Of methane?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- Which is essentially a fart. Liquid fart.- Exactly that.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I don't want to go there. Strike it off.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30If I could stand on a planet
0:25:30 > 0:25:35and throw an Ewok into a lake of fart that would just be...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37That'd be... SUE: Smash it into a fart lake.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39You couldn't, because it would shatter.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Even better!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:48Right, so I could be tossing Ewoks into a lake of fart? Aaah.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Everyone has their own heaven. That's yours.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55When you say tossing Ewoks into a lake of fart...?!
0:25:55 > 0:25:57LAUGHTER
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- Steady. - That's exactly what I meant.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Oh!
0:26:01 > 0:26:05You know what? After this show finishes, I'm off.
0:26:05 > 0:26:11I don't care, you'll never see me again. "Where is he? "He's off tossing Ewoks again.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14"Into his lake of fart. On a pedalo made of smoke."
0:26:14 > 0:26:16LAUGHTER
0:26:16 > 0:26:18"Wa-wa!"
0:26:18 > 0:26:23Is liquid methane flammable in the same way that methane gas is?
0:26:23 > 0:26:27This could be one of the great questions on the show. No, but why?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29On Titan.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33- Why not? Do say. Is there no oxygen? Ah!- Yep - no oxygen.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38- SUE: So just fart.- So if there WAS oxygen...?- It would be.
0:26:38 > 0:26:43All you're thinking of is things to do in the pub!
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Has that ruined it? Not the image of him, tossing an Ewok,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49you don't want to go there because you can't light your fart!
0:26:49 > 0:26:52LAUGHTER
0:26:53 > 0:26:57The great Sydney Smith said heaven was eating foie gras to the sound of trumpets.
0:26:57 > 0:27:03You have redefined it as tossing Ewoks on lakes of methane.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Not things to do in HEAVEN, just things to do on Titan.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10- Oh, right, Titan! - SUE: That's in the guide book, Things To Do In Titan.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Top Ten in the front of the guide...
0:27:13 > 0:27:18"If you only have access to a wookie, you will need a bigger lake."
0:27:18 > 0:27:24That's just basic science. I could tell you that.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27A test now of your nautical knowledge.
0:27:27 > 0:27:32- What variety of lettuce did they serve on board the Titanic?- Iceberg.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Ah!
0:27:33 > 0:27:36KLAXON
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- Well, bless you for... - I took one for the team, as it were.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47You did take one for the team. No, the iceberg lettuce had been developed in Pennsylvania,
0:27:47 > 0:27:51but it wasn't available in Europe until many years later.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54- Rocket? Lollo rosso? - The answer is, we don't know.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- Oh.- We do know there were 700 heads of lettuce on board.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00SUE: You make them sound like heads of state!
0:28:00 > 0:28:03The most grand of all the lettuce, the head of lettuce.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Why did they only have 700 lettuce? How many people were on the Titanic?
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Either they'd already eaten and that was how much was saved or they just didn't order them.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15What, they saved the lettuce, but not the people?
0:28:15 > 0:28:171,500 people died on that ship!
0:28:17 > 0:28:20"Get the lettuce, for crying out loud."
0:28:20 > 0:28:23No, no, no. I misread my card. It was - hold the front page -
0:28:23 > 0:28:267,000 heads of lettuce.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30No wonder the bloody thing sank, it was full of lettuce.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32- Lettuces float.- But...
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Well, why did it sink, then?
0:28:34 > 0:28:36LAUGHTER
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Jesus! What is wrong with these people?
0:28:39 > 0:28:43- Where do you think the most valuable icebergs are?- Valuable?- Valuable.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46- You mean lettuce icebergs or icebergs?- Icebergs.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Not necessarily on earth, but in our solar system.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52- Oh.- I'm thinking of Neptune or Uranus.
0:28:52 > 0:28:56Um, no. No. No. NO.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59It's thought that the crushing pressure might create
0:28:59 > 0:29:02oceans of liquid diamond filled with solid diamond icebergs.
0:29:02 > 0:29:07- Mm.- Ooh.- I dunno who thinks this. - ROSS: Mariah Carey.
0:29:07 > 0:29:11She was the one that thought of that.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13LAUGHTER
0:29:13 > 0:29:15"How heavy are they? I'll be there!"
0:29:15 > 0:29:16STEPHEN LAUGHS
0:29:16 > 0:29:20- Does it seem to you to have any value, or...?- Well, yes.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23- It could in principle. - There is a lot of pressure there.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Huge pressures, deep down. Yes.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Now, you're on the bridge of the Titanic, all right,
0:29:29 > 0:29:34you see that iceberg up ahead, it's slightly to your right.
0:29:34 > 0:29:38What order do you give the helmsman if you want him to turn sharply left?
0:29:39 > 0:29:42I think that's port. Left is port.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44- KLAXON - Oh no!
0:29:44 > 0:29:48- What?- The odd thing is, right up until 1933,
0:29:48 > 0:29:53you gave the opposite command, because a wheel like that
0:29:53 > 0:29:56is only one form of steering a ship - there were tillers
0:29:56 > 0:30:00and if you wanted to turn left, you'd push the tiller right.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03- You're pushing it to starboard.- Much the same as when you're on a pedalo.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07Yes, exactly. Because there were at least five different forms of steering,
0:30:07 > 0:30:10on different kinds of ship, it was customary to say if you wanted
0:30:10 > 0:30:13to go hard port, you'd shout,
0:30:13 > 0:30:16"hard starboard" and they would go left.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18But on a jetski, you turn left and right.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21So they must have rudders that go in opposition.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23But they have a jet, not a rudder.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25It's a JET ski.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28It's not called a rudder-ski, is it?
0:30:28 > 0:30:32Is that how it turns, though? There's the... The press... The jet moves...?
0:30:32 > 0:30:35- The jet moves on the...- Does it? - I think so.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38- Yeah.- Brian, do you know? So far, you've known everything!
0:30:38 > 0:30:43- Have you ever seen a jetski with a rudder?- Don't think they have rudders, no.
0:30:43 > 0:30:44SUE: They have a jet.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48It's a JET ski! What are we not getting about the jet...
0:30:48 > 0:30:50Sorry.
0:30:50 > 0:30:51All right.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57I'd like you to fill in the gaps in these slogans
0:30:57 > 0:31:00for various places or institutions.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03We start with County Donegal's slogan, OK?
0:31:03 > 0:31:05- "Up here it's..."- Windy.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09- SUE: Green.- It really is windy there. - Different.- It's different.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11Up here it's different.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13That's Donegal's slogan.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16You'll be pleased to know. Northumbria Police, however...
0:31:16 > 0:31:20"Total..."
0:31:20 > 0:31:22Gobshites!
0:31:22 > 0:31:23Arrest.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25"Total policing", I'm sorry to say.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28- Total brutality. - Total brutality!
0:31:28 > 0:31:31Total policing.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34"Welcome to Northamptonshire - let yourself..."
0:31:34 > 0:31:35SUE: Down.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38LAUGHTER
0:31:38 > 0:31:40- Leave.- ROSS: Let yourself out.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42LAUGHTER
0:31:42 > 0:31:44At the nearest exit!
0:31:44 > 0:31:48No, poor Northamptonshire. Charming place. "Let yourself..."
0:31:48 > 0:31:49- SUE: Breathe.- Relax.
0:31:49 > 0:31:53- Breathe is good, relax is... - Go.- Go is not bad.
0:31:53 > 0:31:54Grow, apparently.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56- Grow.- That is disgusting. - Let yourself go!
0:31:56 > 0:31:58Let yourself go!
0:31:58 > 0:32:00ROSS: Give yourself a stiffie.
0:32:00 > 0:32:01..a large hard-on.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03This is an optimistic one here.
0:32:03 > 0:32:07"Welcome to Tower Hamlets. Let's make it..."
0:32:07 > 0:32:09- ASBO week.- Out alive.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13Let's make it out alive!
0:32:13 > 0:32:15LAUGHTER
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Let's make it happen.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24- Let's make it happen. - Let's make it happen.
0:32:24 > 0:32:28there's another slogan which said, "It did happen on Friday 17th.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30"If you witnessed it..."
0:32:30 > 0:32:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:36 > 0:32:37Oh, dear.
0:32:39 > 0:32:43In 2007, the Scottish Parliament and the Tourist Board Scotland
0:32:43 > 0:32:48spent £125,000 on launching a new slogan.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50I want you to find the word they came up with.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53They paid some very expensive people. "Welcome to..."
0:32:53 > 0:32:56- SUE: The heart attack capital of Europe.- It's got to be Scotland.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58Scotland is the right answer!
0:32:58 > 0:33:03What genius! I mean, God! That was the very best one I've ever seen.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06All American states have their mottos as well.
0:33:06 > 0:33:11Kentucky decided they would spend money on a new phrase for Kentucky.
0:33:11 > 0:33:15There are two things that most Americans know Kentucky for -
0:33:15 > 0:33:16horse racing, Kentucky Derby...
0:33:16 > 0:33:19- Fried chicken.- No, they don't really know it for that.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21ROSS: It's finger lickin' good.
0:33:21 > 0:33:25The Kentucky Derby is one and the other is bourbon whiskey.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27They came up with a two word phrase
0:33:27 > 0:33:29that embraced both racing and whiskey,
0:33:29 > 0:33:32and I just think it is genuinely genius.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35- Drunk horses.- No. Every time you cross the state line,
0:33:35 > 0:33:38you see it, you think actually they were worth their money.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41It just says, "Unbridled spirit."
0:33:41 > 0:33:43That is a bit cool. I think that's very good.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45I think that's class, you know?
0:33:45 > 0:33:49- It's not finger lickin' good though, is it?- No, it isn't.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52Though I would have you know, and one doesn't like to boast,
0:33:52 > 0:33:56I'm just going to anyway, but I am actually Kentucky's Colonel.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00The Governor appoints certain people to be Kentucky Colonels
0:34:00 > 0:34:02and, in theory, I could be called up
0:34:02 > 0:34:05in defence of the Commonwealth of Kentucky as it calls itself.
0:34:05 > 0:34:09- LAUGHTER - I know, it's unlikely to happen.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14"Oh, bothering blast! I can't get the bloody..."
0:34:14 > 0:34:17I shall throw a family thrift bucket at them.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20I did a documentary where I visited all the states of America
0:34:20 > 0:34:23and they always go, "Which is your favourite state?"
0:34:23 > 0:34:26It's very, very hard to answer, but as it happened, about the best time
0:34:26 > 0:34:30I had was in Kentucky. I thought, "I'll stick to that as my answer."
0:34:30 > 0:34:33So I said Kentucky, and about three months later,
0:34:33 > 0:34:36I got a letter from the Governor of Kentucky with a certificate
0:34:36 > 0:34:40and, of course, with a baseball cap and various other objects,
0:34:40 > 0:34:43saying that I had been made a colonel in the army of Kentucky.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46There you are. You shall call me Colonel Fry from now on.
0:34:46 > 0:34:50- I have the key to the city of Port Pirie in Australia.- Do you?
0:34:50 > 0:34:53I was doing a gig and I was talking to a bloke. Turned out he was
0:34:53 > 0:34:56the mayor, so I went, "Can I have the key to the city?"
0:34:56 > 0:34:59And he went, "Yeah, all right then."
0:34:59 > 0:35:00LAUGHTER
0:35:00 > 0:35:04I didn't want him to back out, so I said, "Where's your offices?"
0:35:04 > 0:35:07"On the high street." "I'll be down there tomorrow."
0:35:07 > 0:35:12So I turned up, he got a shed key and a ribbon and went, "There you go."
0:35:12 > 0:35:15So there wasn't much Latin spoken or anything like that.
0:35:15 > 0:35:19No, there wasn't a ceremony, I just turned up to the offices.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22It was just a shed key in a bag.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25You'll like this story about driving in America.
0:35:25 > 0:35:30I got a sat nav and we drove from Atlantic City and the car hire place
0:35:30 > 0:35:33was just off Lexington Avenue in Manhattan.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36So I put "Lexington Avenue" in the sat nav
0:35:36 > 0:35:39- and it took me to Lexington Avenue on Staten Island.- Oh, no.
0:35:39 > 0:35:44After about an hour, I was thinking, "This isn't feeling quite right,"
0:35:44 > 0:35:49and then it took me down a residential street off the freeway.
0:35:49 > 0:35:53Then it just said, "You have reached your destination."
0:35:53 > 0:35:56No, that's someone's house.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00I was expecting, you know, yellow cabs and skyscrapers...
0:36:00 > 0:36:04I've just done voice for them, so that if you have TomTom or Garmin...
0:36:04 > 0:36:09You drive along and it goes, "Now the interesting thing..."
0:36:09 > 0:36:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:14 > 0:36:16"Now, now, now...
0:36:16 > 0:36:20"The most darnedest thing, you would not believe it, but..."
0:36:20 > 0:36:23Did you do as if you were talking to me, that's the worrying thing.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26Left, you moron!
0:36:26 > 0:36:32If you take a wrong turn instead of making a U turn, does the hooter come on? BEEP! BEEP!
0:36:32 > 0:36:34I've put my voice on Katie's. When she drives, it's me.
0:36:34 > 0:36:39- Oh, that's nice.- You can record it, "Left! Left! Left! LEFT!"
0:36:39 > 0:36:42LAUGHTER
0:36:42 > 0:36:46- Which is funny the first couple of times.- Yes, that's the problem.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48I had a sat nav, after Port Pirie,
0:36:48 > 0:36:51and the Nullarbor Plain in Australia...
0:36:51 > 0:36:54Between Adelaide and Perth.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57Yeah, the longest straight road in the world
0:36:57 > 0:37:01and I sat on my bike, turned it on and it said,
0:37:01 > 0:37:05"Drive forward for two days."
0:37:05 > 0:37:09And then it went, "Then turn left."
0:37:09 > 0:37:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:16 > 0:37:18The stupid thing was, it was such a long road,
0:37:18 > 0:37:20I missed the left-hand turn.
0:37:20 > 0:37:25You know that sat nav uses relativity? Do you know that?
0:37:25 > 0:37:26Oh, tell us.
0:37:26 > 0:37:33I do know this. Is this right, because of the gravitational pull
0:37:33 > 0:37:37I do know this, up in space, if they weren't regulated,
0:37:37 > 0:37:40it would be a year out? Is that right?
0:37:40 > 0:37:46It'd be 38,000 nanoseconds per day...
0:37:46 > 0:37:49A year! 38,000, pah!
0:37:49 > 0:37:51Because the rule of thumb is
0:37:51 > 0:37:55light travels almost precisely one foot in one nanosecond,
0:37:55 > 0:37:58so a foot is one light nanosecond.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00So 38,000 nanoseconds a day is 38,000 feet a day.
0:38:00 > 0:38:05That's how much it'd drift if you didn't take account of the fact that time...
0:38:05 > 0:38:07Because of the gravitational field.
0:38:07 > 0:38:11So the point is that the maths built into the processors
0:38:11 > 0:38:14in these geo-stationary satellites,
0:38:14 > 0:38:16has to take into account Einsteinian physics?
0:38:16 > 0:38:21Yes. I visited the GPS headquarters, it's in Colorado.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24- ROSS: I bet that's easy to find. - This is honestly true.
0:38:24 > 0:38:29We typed it into a sat nav and it took us into a field.
0:38:29 > 0:38:30It didn't take us there.
0:38:30 > 0:38:34But when they launched it, the US Air Force was very suspicious
0:38:34 > 0:38:39of this Swiss bloke and his relativity nonsense,
0:38:39 > 0:38:43and had the option of not correcting, because they could not believe that
0:38:43 > 0:38:47time passes a different rate in orbit than it does on the ground.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50If you took a sat nav, a normal domestic sat nav, right,
0:38:50 > 0:38:52and put it in space rocket,
0:38:52 > 0:38:57and went up into space towards the satellite, what would happen?
0:38:57 > 0:39:02Very good. That is exactly the kind of experiment that Einstein liked to do, isn't it?
0:39:02 > 0:39:05Yeah, me and Einstein are like that.
0:39:05 > 0:39:09Listen, we could go on like this for ever, but we're simply not going to.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12We stumble now into the gaping moor of general ignorance.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15Fingers on buzzers, quick as you can,
0:39:15 > 0:39:17what's the definition of a galaxy?
0:39:17 > 0:39:19BABY GURGLES
0:39:19 > 0:39:22- Yes!- 'Nobody knows.'
0:39:22 > 0:39:26You're right. Essentially there is no absolutely official decision,
0:39:26 > 0:39:29but there are scientists trying to work out
0:39:29 > 0:39:31precisely what a galaxy might be.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34Duncan Forbes of Swinburne University in Australia
0:39:34 > 0:39:37and Pavel Kroupa of the University of Bonn in Germany.
0:39:37 > 0:39:41They have a launched an online survey and we've been allowed
0:39:41 > 0:39:43to be the first to see the results of the poll.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46But based on that, there is already one new galaxy
0:39:46 > 0:39:49that fits - globular cluster Omega Centauri
0:39:49 > 0:39:54seems to qualify, according to those criteria, as a galaxy.
0:39:54 > 0:39:58In the Hubble deep field image, this year the most distant galaxy
0:39:58 > 0:40:01ever discovered was found in that photograph,
0:40:01 > 0:40:05and it's 13.2 billion light years away.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08The Earth's been here for five billion years,
0:40:08 > 0:40:13so for most of the journey of the light from those galaxies you can see in that image,
0:40:13 > 0:40:16the Earth wasn't even here, it wasn't formed.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18It formed when they were almost halfway.
0:40:18 > 0:40:23The further away you look, the further towards the birth of the universe you're looking.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26How do we know which direction to look? Did it begin over there,
0:40:26 > 0:40:28or over there? Or we on the surface of a balloon?
0:40:28 > 0:40:31It began here, so the Big Bang happened here in every point in space.
0:40:31 > 0:40:35The picture is that space and time began at that point,
0:40:35 > 0:40:39and it's been stretching ever since, so all of space and all of time
0:40:39 > 0:40:41in some sense were there at the Big Bang,
0:40:41 > 0:40:45so the Big Bang happened everywhere. There's no centre.
0:40:45 > 0:40:50ROSS: You can't really see it because black's a very slimming colour!
0:40:50 > 0:40:55It's true. I just think it's all beautiful, wonderful and amazing.
0:40:55 > 0:40:56So name an insect that spins a web.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59- BABY GURGLE - Yes, Sue.
0:40:59 > 0:41:00Er, spiders.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03ALARM BLARES
0:41:03 > 0:41:07- It's an arachnid! - It's an arachnid, Susan!
0:41:07 > 0:41:11- What's the difference? - It's got legs... Body!
0:41:11 > 0:41:13Insects have how many legs?
0:41:13 > 0:41:16- Six.- Erm...two, four, six, eight. - And spiders have eight.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18And insects have six.
0:41:18 > 0:41:22It was particularly an insect that spins a web I was after.
0:41:22 > 0:41:26- The difference is the pedantry of biologists.- It is, you're right!
0:41:26 > 0:41:30- Is there a six-legged spider? - There isn't a six-legged spider as far as I know.
0:41:30 > 0:41:33- Does a moth spin?- Yes. There's a very famous moth whose lava
0:41:33 > 0:41:37- is responsible for this tie.- The silkworm.- The Bombyx, the silkworm,
0:41:37 > 0:41:39is the lava of a moth, but it's not really a web,
0:41:39 > 0:41:42but there are insects that spin webs.
0:41:42 > 0:41:46These are cocoon-type things for them to pupate inside.
0:41:46 > 0:41:50Goats, also. Goats obviously aren't insects, but this does sound really
0:41:50 > 0:41:52like science fiction of the worst possible kind.
0:41:52 > 0:41:58- Spin?- Goats, yes. Scientists have implanted the silk producing gene
0:41:58 > 0:42:00from spiders into goats.
0:42:00 > 0:42:04When the goats lactate, their milk contains silk,
0:42:04 > 0:42:08which can be harvested, dried and spun into fibres.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11It's a nightmare if you've ever been caught in a goat web.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14It's horrible. I'll be there for days sometimes.
0:42:14 > 0:42:18There's a lot you can get out of goat - you can get cheese, wool,
0:42:18 > 0:42:20- sex... Sorry! You can get... - LAUGHTER
0:42:20 > 0:42:22I don't know where that came from.
0:42:22 > 0:42:26Anyway, basically, they keep giving, goats.
0:42:26 > 0:42:30- Just put the back legs in your wellies.- Oh! I-I-I...
0:42:30 > 0:42:34Anyway, the point is several insects do spin webs
0:42:34 > 0:42:36of which the best known are the web spinners.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39Spiders, however, are not insects.
0:42:39 > 0:42:44And finally the scores, which are as baffling as always.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47It's fascinating, it's remarkable, it's wonderful it's exciting.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50In last place, despite an extraordinary performance
0:42:50 > 0:42:54and remarkable knowledge in many areas, I'm afraid it's Sue Perkins with -17.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56APPLAUSE
0:42:58 > 0:43:03A highly creditable third place with -6, Ross Noble.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05APPLAUSE
0:43:07 > 0:43:10But surely putting himself in contention for a Nobel Prize
0:43:10 > 0:43:14sometime in the next few years, on +2 Alan Davies.
0:43:14 > 0:43:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:18 > 0:43:24And it can come as no surprise that the mop top from Oldham is our winner.
0:43:24 > 0:43:28On +5, it's Professor Brian Cox.
0:43:28 > 0:43:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:35 > 0:43:39It only remains for me to thank Brian, Sue, Ross and Alan,
0:43:39 > 0:43:43and to leave you with this observation from Will Rogers -
0:43:43 > 0:43:45an ignorant person is one who doesn't know
0:43:45 > 0:43:47what you have only just found out.
0:43:47 > 0:43:49Good night.
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0:44:04 > 0:44:06E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk