0:00:23 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38And welcome to QI, in my breeziest and most patronising bedside manner,
0:00:38 > 0:00:42for a show that's all about illness, infection and injury.
0:00:42 > 0:00:47Joining me in Casualty are the slightly indisposed Andy Hamilton.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51- APPLAUSE - Thank you. Thank you.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56The disturbingly insidious Ben Goldacre.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:02The seriously infectious Jo Brand.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:12- And the terminally ill-informed Alan Davies.- Thank you. - APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:18And, to tell you the truth, their buzzers don't sound so hot.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22- Andy goes... - COUGHING
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- Ben goes... - SNEEZING
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- Jo goes... - SIREN WAILS
0:01:28 > 0:01:32- And Alan goes... - THE FUNERAL MARCH
0:01:37 > 0:01:43And...don't forget, of course, that you have your Nobody Knows jokers.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- FANFARE 'Nobody knows!'- Yes.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50In this series, the answer may well be "Nobody knows".
0:01:50 > 0:01:54If you guess which question that is, you can get extra points.
0:01:54 > 0:02:00Before we start, I have to ask you all to fill in this questionnaire.
0:02:00 > 0:02:06It's on the Epworth Sleepiness Scale. It's about how likely you are to fall asleep
0:02:06 > 0:02:11under certain circumstances and whether you have a healthy sleep cycle.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15You're all concentrating very hard! Well, you were...
0:02:17 > 0:02:21- Jo has fallen asleep. - Filling in questionnaires!
0:02:21 > 0:02:25- Yes, that's the one that makes you fall asleep.- Finished!
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Have you really? Well done. I'm very impressed.
0:02:29 > 0:02:35I've always filled in questionnaires quickly. I think if you finish first, you get marks somehow.
0:02:35 > 0:02:41- You better put your name on them. - Oh, who hasn't put their name on their work?!
0:02:41 > 0:02:47- I'm feeling more than usual like a schoolmaster.- Jo...Brand. - LAUGHTER
0:02:48 > 0:02:55- I feel that men fall asleep more somehow. Do you cat nap during the day?- Only during sex.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- Fair enough.- When you're watching sex or doing sex?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Either. I don't really mind.
0:03:04 > 0:03:09It is one of the afflictions of getting old, I fear, falling asleep.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12While you sleep, we'll be playing QI.
0:03:12 > 0:03:18The first question is why would you swallow a pill made of a poisonous metalloid?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- SIREN WAILS - Yes?
0:03:21 > 0:03:26Would it be because you got really pissed one night and you woke up
0:03:26 > 0:03:31and realised you were next to Michael Winner in bed?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Well, oddly enough,
0:03:34 > 0:03:40until you got to that last point, one use of that poisonous metalloid was as a morning after pill.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44But its other use was for the other end.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48It's a metalloid called antimony and it's a poison.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52It was popular in the Middle Ages as a pill. Very good for constipation.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56You'd make a pill of antimony and it would pass through the body.
0:03:56 > 0:04:04You would then rummage through your leavings and wash it and use it again.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- GROANS - "Rummage through your leavings."
0:04:06 > 0:04:09LAUGHTER
0:04:09 > 0:04:15- I wasn't quite sure how to put it. - I'm certainly going to use that again, though!
0:04:15 > 0:04:21These got handed on from father to son, through generations. They used the same one.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Your father's leavings and his father's leavings before.
0:04:25 > 0:04:32- "This pill was good enough for your great-grandfather..." - The earliest repeat prescription.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- Very good!- For hundreds of years. - APPLAUSE
0:04:35 > 0:04:40Absolutely. The other use of it was an antimony cup.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45You'd pour wine into it overnight, when you'd had a large evening, and in the morning
0:04:45 > 0:04:52you'd take the wine from the cup and it made you vomit instantly. So it was used as an emetic.
0:04:52 > 0:04:58- So it's a naturally occurring... thing?- An element. - And an irritant, presumably?
0:04:58 > 0:05:06There's a mnemonic for remembering laxatives - bulkers, lubricants, irritants, softeners and explosives.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Explosives work like...cholera.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15You stick them up your bum. That's a technical term.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18A suppository, as we comedians say.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23- So that's for a really serious case of being stuffed up.- Yeah.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- Proper phosphate enema. Rocket fuel.- Wow.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- On a skateboard. - In Ancient Egypt,
0:05:30 > 0:05:36there was a doctor whose special function was to administer enemas to the pharaoh - the neru phuyt,
0:05:36 > 0:05:40which literally translates as "shepherd of the anus".
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- An official job. Rather pleasing. - With the crook?
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Oh!
0:05:47 > 0:05:54It's not a natural thing. Animals don't pump warm water up their arses. It doesn't happen in nature.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58- How did it come about? - They are very popular with quacks.
0:05:58 > 0:06:04There's something quite attractive about how transgressive it is to squirt something up your bum
0:06:04 > 0:06:11- that makes pretend doctors feel like real doctors. John Harvey Kellogg... - The Road To Wellville, yes.
0:06:11 > 0:06:16Yeah, yeah. He had this big kind of quack clinic that he ran
0:06:16 > 0:06:22where the moment that you arrived you had to make a visit to a man called the Rear Admiral...
0:06:22 > 0:06:28who would bend you over and fill you with fresh yoghurt. And then you'd poo that out.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Then you'd crack on with your detox.
0:06:31 > 0:06:36- And deal with your thrush. - What time's this show going out? - LAUGHTER
0:06:36 > 0:06:43- Will people be eating? - Well, it is almost the most kind of...basic fact about us all,
0:06:43 > 0:06:50that we poo. And also that we are, as we age supposedly, we get more obsessed by it.
0:06:50 > 0:06:56It's all you've got left, really, isn't it? There are stories of nurses who get sent stools
0:06:56 > 0:07:01- by grateful patients. You must have heard those stories. - Not necessarily grateful.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:06It's an expression of love!
0:07:06 > 0:07:11I've no idea why, but that habit has followed me into my comedy career.
0:07:13 > 0:07:20A chap recently tried to kill somebody. He packed his anus with explosives.
0:07:20 > 0:07:27It was a Middle East prince. His plan was to shake the guy by the hand and then trigger it.
0:07:27 > 0:07:33Unfortunately, the body is very good at absorbing explosions. That's why people jump onto hand grenades.
0:07:33 > 0:07:39So all that happened was... he shook this prince by the hand and the bomb went off
0:07:39 > 0:07:43and he just bounced up in the air slightly and crumpled to his knees.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47And the prince, like any royal, just went, "Very good."
0:07:49 > 0:07:54Oh, dear, oh, dear. Well, that's antimony.
0:07:54 > 0:07:59Antimony pills were quite literally passed down through the family. Now placebos.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04Placebos are often administered in the shape of sugar pills.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07My question is: how do they work?
0:08:07 > 0:08:11- Oh, oh!- Very good! - 'Nobody knows!'
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Now you might want to question this, Ben.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16APPLAUSE
0:08:18 > 0:08:22- Well, they do work.- They do. - But nobody quite knows why yet.
0:08:22 > 0:08:28Not only do they work, they work even when you tell someone it's a placebo.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33- You've studied this more than most. - Mm, it's amazing.
0:08:33 > 0:08:39I think the magic ingredient of the sugar pills is belief and expectation.
0:08:39 > 0:08:45- We know that four sugar pills a day are a more effective treatment than two sugar pills a day.- Yes.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50And a salt water injection is more effective than taking a sugar pill,
0:08:50 > 0:08:57not because it does anything physically to your body, but because an injection feels more dramatic.
0:08:57 > 0:09:04Is it to do with you just feel you're being taken care of? Some part of your body yields
0:09:04 > 0:09:09- to the authority of an injection even more than to a pill.- Yeah.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- Pacemakers start working before they've been switched on.- Yes!
0:09:13 > 0:09:19I've heard this. Or knee surgery. They've cut people's knees open, then sewn them up,
0:09:19 > 0:09:23and they've said they feel better. But they've not done anything.
0:09:23 > 0:09:29That's why it's important to do proper trials, otherwise you'd think it was worth cutting people open
0:09:29 > 0:09:34and messing around with their heart. And actually it wasn't.
0:09:34 > 0:09:39The almost priest-like nature of the doctor, the faith in them,
0:09:39 > 0:09:45goes some way, I suppose, to explaining homoeopathy. That's as inert as a sugar pill.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49I know someone who was told to take arnica for her Caesarean scar.
0:09:49 > 0:09:55She went and spoke to an obstetrician and said, "Is there any truth in that?"
0:09:55 > 0:10:00He said, "The thing is with homoeopathic medicine, there haven't been proper clinical trials,
0:10:00 > 0:10:08"but arnica is one that has been tested. It has been found to have absolutely no effect whatsoever."
0:10:08 > 0:10:13Homoeopathy's a really good teaching tool for evidence-based medicine.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18The homoeopaths' trials, in general, are so crudely rigged
0:10:18 > 0:10:21that they make extremely good teaching examples.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25They're not double-blind, randomised trials in the approved manner?
0:10:25 > 0:10:30Each individual trial has been done poorly or you get cherry picking.
0:10:30 > 0:10:37So if you run 100 trials of something, it's inevitable that maybe five give positive results.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42If you only cite positive trials, it looks as if your treatment works.
0:10:42 > 0:10:48The pharmaceutical industry are even bigger buggers for that, really, than the quacks
0:10:48 > 0:10:54because it matters more. There are still no laws to stop people hiding trial data. Not meaningful laws.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58This is the problem with people like me who are lazy...
0:10:58 > 0:11:04- Lazy?!- No, I mean when we read in a newspaper, "Studies show..." - He's writing a novel under the desk!
0:11:04 > 0:11:09I mean lazy in this sense. If I read, "Studies show..."
0:11:09 > 0:11:15I kind of go, "Gosh! That study shows..." but it takes Ben to go, "What's the study?
0:11:15 > 0:11:20"How many people were used?" That's basically the problem.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25- But to be fair, this show's probably more guilty of that than anyone! - Oh...
0:11:25 > 0:11:32And it's a very easy thing to fix. I think every news story or feature or TV show or anything
0:11:32 > 0:11:39that makes a reference to a piece of primary research should give a link to that piece of research
0:11:39 > 0:11:43- so people can go and see what the evidence was.- Indeed.
0:11:43 > 0:11:49Anyway, the placebo effect is incredibly powerful. On the other hand, drugs are powerful, too.
0:11:49 > 0:11:55- If you inject someone with cyanide and say it's a sugar pill, they will die.- Yes.
0:11:55 > 0:12:01As Andy rightly said, nobody really knows how placebos work, but work they jolly well do.
0:12:01 > 0:12:08- What kind of condition that astronauts suffer from is measured by the Garn Scale?- Garn?
0:12:08 > 0:12:12- That's what Steptoe used to say! - Yes!- "Garn!"
0:12:12 > 0:12:17Eliza Doolittle says, "Garn!" doesn't she? Yeah, it's named after Senator Garn,
0:12:17 > 0:12:23- a senator who became an astronaut and he suffered from what most astronauts suffer.- Depression?
0:12:23 > 0:12:29No, seasickness. Or travel sickness. It's really, really bad up there, apparently.
0:12:29 > 0:12:37- There's a lot of vomming, which is not nice in weightlessness! - Drifting around the cabin...
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- In fact... - AUDIENCE GROANS
0:12:40 > 0:12:45They can't do that - they've got a helmet on. It would have to be...
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Yeah.
0:12:47 > 0:12:5347% of all the medication used by the Shuttle astronauts was seasickness tablets.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57The sickest was Jake Garn in '85. After him, they used the Garn Scale.
0:12:57 > 0:13:02- A score of one Garn means you are completely incapacitated. - It's the right word.
0:13:02 > 0:13:08- It sounds like someone chucking up. - Do you know what causes seasickness, for example?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- Is it going up and down on the sea? - Yes...
0:13:11 > 0:13:18- That's the condition in which it happens. - Oh, you mean physically causes it.
0:13:18 > 0:13:24I've felt unwell on a ship just from the throbbing of the engines. The boat wasn't moving.
0:13:24 > 0:13:30There's some sensation of constant movement that starts to make things come up.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35- It's a disconnect between the visual information and balance information. - That's right.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- I'm about half a Garn at the moment. - Just looking at that?
0:13:39 > 0:13:46- Watch the horizon!- Why don't birds get it when they bob about on it? - How do you know they don't?
0:13:46 > 0:13:51That's true. Or maybe they've just evolved not to.
0:13:51 > 0:13:58The bad things to do are going below deck for long, reading a book or staring at one point.
0:13:58 > 0:14:04You should stay in the fresh air, drink plenty of water, avoid fatty and spicy foods...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06They say that for everything!
0:14:06 > 0:14:12You can't move for advice now. You turn on 5Live and someone's always telling you,
0:14:12 > 0:14:16"We've got an expert in because it's sunny today. What should we do?"
0:14:16 > 0:14:23"Well, watch out for sun burn so apply a cream or wear a hat." Are we seriously saying this?!
0:14:23 > 0:14:29- What are we doing?- Or avoid fatty and spicy foods.- "Don't jump out of the window from the 10th floor."
0:14:29 > 0:14:34- That must be from The Perfect Storm. - It looks like a film.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37That's an exceptionally good photo from another boat!
0:14:37 > 0:14:40That's such a good point!
0:14:42 > 0:14:45"How did you hold that so still?"
0:14:45 > 0:14:52Anyway, that's the Garn Scale. Almost half of all astronauts suffer from space sickness it seems.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56What is intelligent falling? ..Jo Brand.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Is it when you see Michael Winner coming towards you
0:15:00 > 0:15:04and you deliberately trip so that you can squash him?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06LAUGHTER
0:15:06 > 0:15:10That would be intelligent falling. APPLAUSE
0:15:10 > 0:15:15- A very good example.- You've really got it in for the Winster.
0:15:15 > 0:15:20- I have.- Is it because he's not returning your calls, Jo? Is that what it is?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23He won't take me out to dinner!
0:15:24 > 0:15:29Is intelligent falling what Ronaldo does in the penalty area?
0:15:29 > 0:15:33No, it's a way to demonstrate what scientists mean by theory.
0:15:33 > 0:15:41As you'll know, they have in America this idea that it's equivalent to teach Intelligent Design
0:15:41 > 0:15:45as it is to teach the theory of evolution because they say,
0:15:45 > 0:15:50"The theory of evolution is only a theory, so why can't we suggest our theory?"
0:15:50 > 0:15:55- Which misunderstands what scientists mean by a theory.- You've lost me.
0:15:55 > 0:16:01- You've heard of the theory of evolution?- Yes.- And you've heard of Intelligent Design?- No.- Ah.
0:16:01 > 0:16:07In America, religious people who decided that evolution is contrary to what the Bible says,
0:16:07 > 0:16:14they want children to believe that all creation was made by an intelligent being, ie God.
0:16:14 > 0:16:20- That the universe was designed by something.- And the name for it is Intelligent Design.- I see, right.
0:16:20 > 0:16:27"It's the THEORY of evolution, so why can't we have a theory taught in the same way?"
0:16:27 > 0:16:32Theory has a rather specific meaning in science. It's not like "guess"!
0:16:32 > 0:16:36It's not even like "hypothesis". This is what the OED says:
0:16:36 > 0:16:43"a statement of what are held to be general laws, principles or causes of something known or observed."
0:16:43 > 0:16:48That's not a guess. The theory of evolution, as any biologist says,
0:16:48 > 0:16:53is true. I mean, it is supported by facts.
0:16:53 > 0:17:01- So what's intelligent falling? - It's saying, "Newton had a theory of gravity, overturned by Einstein's.
0:17:01 > 0:17:07- "So why can't we suggest our theory?" Which is intelligent falling.- Isn't the point partly
0:17:07 > 0:17:13that different theories are supported by different amounts of evidence? David Icke has a theory
0:17:13 > 0:17:21that the Royal Family are all 7-foot green lizards in 6-foot human skin suits, with not a lot of evidence.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- Does he?- Whereas evolution is supported by a lot of evidence.
0:17:25 > 0:17:32- If you want to question a theory, you should do so by challenging its evidence...- Exactly.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37- ..rather than...- Intelligent Design believers, what do they think they put in their cars?
0:17:37 > 0:17:41It's a hard position to be a fundamentalist.
0:17:41 > 0:17:47On the one hand you have to forgive people, on the other, take their eye out.
0:17:47 > 0:17:52- It's difficult to know which one to do.- If Michael Winner's around... LAUGHTER
0:17:52 > 0:17:59- I'd manage to make a decision. - I've got this fantasy of Michael Winner sitting down saying,
0:17:59 > 0:18:07"Oh, it's Friday. What shall I do? I know, I'll watch QI. Jo Brand's on. She's my favourite."
0:18:07 > 0:18:12- The disappointment when he sees you...- No, he won't be disappointed.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Perhaps he won't.
0:18:14 > 0:18:20So there we are. Evolution and gravity may be THEORIES, but they work perfectly well in practice.
0:18:20 > 0:18:26Describe the symptoms of either drapetomania or dysesthesia aethiopica.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- Who the hell is that?! - LAUGHTER
0:18:30 > 0:18:34I don't know, but that's what the girl is thinking as well.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37They're all thinking, "I would."
0:18:37 > 0:18:41It's nothing to do, I have to say, with Gregory House.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46We're in the 1850s. Just before the Civil War is the clue.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51Drapetomania was a diagnosis of a quite inexplicable outbreak
0:18:51 > 0:18:58- of a sort of mental failing among the slave population.- Were they singing?- No.- Cheerful songs?
0:18:58 > 0:19:04No, a doctor called Samuel Cartwright coined the phrase to explain the mental disorder
0:19:04 > 0:19:09- displayed by slaves who wanted to run away!- Right.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- Surely not!- I know! He said,
0:19:12 > 0:19:18"It was as much a disease of the mind as any other species of mental alienation and more curable."
0:19:18 > 0:19:25- He thought it was caused by slaves getting too much authority and freedom.- My husband's got this.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27LAUGHTER
0:19:27 > 0:19:30He's always having a crack at running away.
0:19:30 > 0:19:36- Shackles.- Shackles are the answer, that's right.- Massive bungee rope.
0:19:36 > 0:19:41Yeah! He claimed the slaves should have the desire to run away beaten out of them.
0:19:41 > 0:19:47- That's always the answer with slaves.- What was the first one?
0:19:47 > 0:19:52- Drapetomania? And the second one? - The second one I'll tell you about.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56Dysesthesia aethiopica. It's an aversion to doing slave labour.
0:19:56 > 0:20:03What a peculiar thing! Other symptoms include rascality and not taking care of property.
0:20:03 > 0:20:09The prescription was to put the patient to some kind of hard work in the sunshine.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12You do get a lot of these weird diagnoses even now.
0:20:12 > 0:20:18In Russia and China, they had political mania - convincing friends of the need for political change.
0:20:18 > 0:20:26In China, political mania has got symptoms like carrying banners, shouting slogans,
0:20:26 > 0:20:32- and expressing views on important domestic and international political matters.- Yes, you're right.
0:20:32 > 0:20:38The Russians, famously, through the '60s and '70s had the psychology turned backwards.
0:20:38 > 0:20:44- Paranoia was defined as a yearning for justice.- "Truth and justice are commonly found
0:20:44 > 0:20:50- "in the personality of the paranoid delusional." - That's the phrase they used.
0:20:50 > 0:20:55There is a book, well known to anybody who studies mental health, called the DSM.
0:20:55 > 0:21:02- The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. It has various editions. - A lot of it is cock.- Indeed.
0:21:02 > 0:21:10But very important cock because, for example, if you sue your employer because you have a medical condition
0:21:10 > 0:21:17it is the DSM which defines whatever supposed mental disorder you have. I think there's four editions.
0:21:17 > 0:21:24- It's coming up for five. - In 2013. And people submit to it their idea of a condition.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28And some of them are accepted and some aren't. We have some for you
0:21:28 > 0:21:33which are under consideration or might have been suggested.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37- What are they? Sluggish Cognitive Tempo Disorder.- Can't dance.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- LAUGHTER - That's just people who can't...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Guilty feet have got no rhythm.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Is that being a student?
0:21:46 > 0:21:53Basically. Your Daily Mail journalist would write off, as they do, any mental condition
0:21:53 > 0:21:57as a shabby excuse for a character flaw, but when you read the descriptions
0:21:57 > 0:22:04of the symptoms of sluggish cognitive tempo disorder, the word that you come up with is "laziness".
0:22:04 > 0:22:09- It's basically laziness. Relational disorder?- Unpleasantness.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- Yeah, an inability to get on with people.- Ryan Giggs.- Sorry?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15LAUGHTER
0:22:15 > 0:22:21- Ryan Giggs has got that.- Ryan Giggs is not getting on with people. - He gets on with SOME people.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24But they're usually married to other people.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Anyway, negativistic personality disorder?
0:22:28 > 0:22:33- Not being very nice.- It's being negativistic about something - whining, basically.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- Jeremy Paxman. - LAUGHTER
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Whining and complaining. Intermittent explosive disorder?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42- Farting.- That's flatulence.
0:22:42 > 0:22:48Well, it would... This is the DSM - basically, adult tantrums, people who lose their temper.
0:22:48 > 0:22:54The point is that one can laugh at these, but there are some things that are obviously real
0:22:54 > 0:22:58that produce terrible mental conditions and that is well-known,
0:22:58 > 0:23:04then somewhere along the line, there are things to do with concentration disorders
0:23:04 > 0:23:10and compulsion disorders which seem so limited that you think, "Is that worth putting in a book?
0:23:10 > 0:23:15"Do you need special treatment for that?" Where do you draw the line? Doctor, do tell us.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Some people want to be pathologised and have a label
0:23:19 > 0:23:22and sometimes it's about flogging a treatment.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27I mean, female sexual dysfunction, for example, started being pushed
0:23:27 > 0:23:32at the time that various companies were trying to get licences for things like Viagra
0:23:32 > 0:23:37for the 50% of the population unlucky enough not to have a penis.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- Steady!- Along with that... LAUGHTER
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Jo's got loads of penises, but they're all in a drawer at home.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46LAUGHTER
0:23:46 > 0:23:52But FSD was about medicalising it and saying that, um, you know,
0:23:52 > 0:23:59desire is a matter of clitoral blood flow imaging and nitric oxide molecules in your body...
0:23:59 > 0:24:03I think that's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard!
0:24:03 > 0:24:07- Rather than relationships... - Clitoral blood flow imaging?!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Dot com.- Dot com!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12That is a dirty book!
0:24:13 > 0:24:18No, that's true. I'm pretty sure that if I had been born later,
0:24:18 > 0:24:25I would have been diagnosed with having attention deficit disorder and been given one of those drugs.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29As it was, I was called a "tosser" and expelled from lots of schools.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34Part of me thinks I WAS a tosser. I couldn't concentrate, I was extremely aggravating,
0:24:34 > 0:24:38I was expelled from schools and I was a damn nuisance,
0:24:38 > 0:24:42but probably something in my brain was different to others
0:24:42 > 0:24:48and some people will always see that as a moral character thing which is under your control
0:24:48 > 0:24:51and refuse to accept there is a medical condition for it.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55It's not only moral. It's social and cultural as well.
0:24:55 > 0:25:02- Yeah.- Because 50 years ago, people who were gay were given electric shocks or whatever they were
0:25:02 > 0:25:04to "cure" them of their illness,
0:25:04 > 0:25:10- so as history moves on, you medicalise different sorts of behaviour, don't you?- Yeah.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15There you are. Some psychologists seem to have disorder-naming compulsion disorder,
0:25:15 > 0:25:21which is not exactly fatal, but who was the last British monarch deliberately killed?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Was it one of the ones that got beheaded?
0:25:24 > 0:25:25No.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29You avoided saying Charles I whom most people would think...
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Only cos I couldn't bloody remember what...
0:25:33 > 0:25:38It happened in Norfolk. Where would that likely be if it was a monarch?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- Sandringham.- Yes. - It's the Queen's dad.
0:25:41 > 0:25:47No, the Queen's grandfather. This is King George V, the grandfather of our current monarch.
0:25:47 > 0:25:52There he is, looking spookily like his cousin Nicholas... Tsar Alexander.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55It's an attested story by the man who did it.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59In 1936, he was at Sandringham, feeling unwell.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02On January 15th, he retired to his bedroom.
0:26:02 > 0:26:07By the 20th, he was comatose and clearly dying, but still clinging to life.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11This presented his doctor, Lord Dawson, a bit of a problem.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15In Dawson's opinion, the world at large would be better served
0:26:15 > 0:26:18by hearing of the King's death in the morning papers,
0:26:18 > 0:26:24rather than by him lingering on a bit and it being in what he sniffily called "the evening journals".
0:26:24 > 0:26:27So he decided to force the issue.
0:26:27 > 0:26:33He wrote a very famous bulletin on the back of a menu card which was telephoned to the BBC.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37"The life of the King is moving peacefully to its close."
0:26:37 > 0:26:42He went up to the bedroom and this, according to his diary, is what he did.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44"I therefore decided to determine the end
0:26:44 > 0:26:48"and injected morphia, three-quarters of a grain,
0:26:48 > 0:26:52"and shortly afterwards cocaine, one grain..."
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Lucky old King!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57"..into the distended jugular vein.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02"I did it myself because it was obvious that Sister B, the King's nurse,
0:27:02 > 0:27:04"was disturbed by the procedure."
0:27:04 > 0:27:07"So I injected Sister B as well(!)"
0:27:08 > 0:27:14Essentially, isn't that what a speedball is? He's basically gone the same way as John Belushi.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18He gave him a speedball of morphia and cocaine which is pretty....
0:27:18 > 0:27:23- He told the family? - He wrote it in his diary and this was revealed in 1986.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- Treason? - Well, it was quite extraordinary.
0:27:26 > 0:27:33Being a Lord, he was in the House of Lords, and he voted against euthanasia in the euthanasia debate.
0:27:33 > 0:27:39He said, "I'm not opposed to euthanasia per se..." Having just killed the King, not surprising!
0:27:39 > 0:27:45"I just felt it should be left to the discretion of doctors, not anybody else." There we are.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49- Or "a" doctor.- Or myself, basically.
0:27:49 > 0:27:54Now for a bizarre illness. What would you call a man who eats literally everything?
0:27:54 > 0:27:55Winner.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57LAUGHTER
0:27:57 > 0:27:59KLAXON SOUNDS
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Gotcha!
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Oh, no!
0:28:04 > 0:28:05APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:09Everything? Like pens and paper clips?
0:28:09 > 0:28:13- Light bulbs?- Yeah, polyphagism. It's also known as "pica",
0:28:13 > 0:28:20an excessive appetite, often for non-nutritious substances - coal, clay, chalk, nuts, bolts, soil.
0:28:20 > 0:28:26It's an exaggerated version of what can happen in pregnancy. Did you get any weird appetite things?
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Yeah, I ate a bit less.
0:28:28 > 0:28:33Some animals suffer from it. In horses, it's called "depraved appetite".
0:28:33 > 0:28:40But the most extreme example we can come across is a man called Tarrare, a Frenchman in the 18th century.
0:28:40 > 0:28:45He was abandoned by his family as a child because they couldn't afford the food he ate.
0:28:45 > 0:28:51After working as a street entertainer swallowing stones and live animals, he became a soldier.
0:28:51 > 0:28:56They tested his appetite and he ate a meal intended for 15 people in a single sitting.
0:28:56 > 0:29:04He tore apart and ate without chewing live cats, snakes, lizards and puppies,
0:29:04 > 0:29:06so they thought he'd be a useful spy.
0:29:06 > 0:29:12They gave him things to swallow. They were at war with Prussia. But he was caught first time.
0:29:12 > 0:29:16He'd be a good spy? He'd rather draw attention to himself...
0:29:16 > 0:29:19- Well, no... - Eating everything all the time!
0:29:19 > 0:29:26They thought he could swallow a box with military secrets, so when he was searched, he would have nothing.
0:29:26 > 0:29:30He was then put on a diet in a military hospital.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34He would scavenge for offal in gutters and outside butcher's shops.
0:29:34 > 0:29:39- Scavenge for offal in gutters? - Yes, and outside butcher's shops.
0:29:39 > 0:29:44- Someone had gone, "I don't like the look of that liver," and chucked it?- Yeah.
0:29:44 > 0:29:49He attempted to drink the blood of other patients and eat the corpses in the hospital morgue.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52You know who's like that, don't you?
0:29:52 > 0:29:56I don't even need to say it any more, do I?
0:29:56 > 0:30:02Anyway, he was eventually ejected from the hospital under suspicion of having eaten a toddler.
0:30:02 > 0:30:09- A toddler?- A toddler, a little baby, yeah, a child, an infant which is against the law in France.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13- Yeah, it is.- Yes.- They're picky, the French, aren't they?
0:30:13 > 0:30:15They drew the line somewhere.
0:30:15 > 0:30:21He had a belly so loose, he could wrap the loose folds of skin around his waist.
0:30:21 > 0:30:26He sweated constantly and stank to such a degree that he could not be endured within 20 paces.
0:30:26 > 0:30:33- His eyes would become bloodshot and a visible vapour...- I'm becoming increasingly attracted towards him.
0:30:33 > 0:30:37A visible vapour would rise from his body when he ate.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41- Sounds bloody marvellous!- Someone's got to make a film about him!
0:30:41 > 0:30:46He didn't gain weight or vomit and he seemed perfectly sane.
0:30:46 > 0:30:50- He didn't gain weight?- No. - On the "eat everything" diet, he didn't gain weight?
0:30:50 > 0:30:55With a whole cat and a dog inside, they'll have eaten everything else.
0:30:55 > 0:30:59- Like the old lady who swallowed the fly.- They had a diet pill like that.
0:30:59 > 0:31:04People would eat tapeworm egg, wait till they got to their ideal weight,
0:31:04 > 0:31:09then take the helminthicide to kill the tapeworm, they'd poo out the worm and get on nicely slim.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12I wish they still made that(!)
0:31:12 > 0:31:18His autopsy revealed an enlarged liver and an enormous stomach covered in ulcers and oozing pus.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20So that's nice(!)
0:31:20 > 0:31:23Time to hand your test results in.
0:31:23 > 0:31:28Let's talk about your sleepiness here. We've got Ben here first.
0:31:28 > 0:31:32I'll tell you what the questions are. You fill in how likely you are to doze off
0:31:32 > 0:31:37in the following situations, according to the following scale.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40The situations are sitting and reading, watching TV,
0:31:40 > 0:31:44sitting inactive in a public place, e.g, theatre or meeting,
0:31:44 > 0:31:49travelling as a passenger in a car for an hour, lying down to rest in the afternoon,
0:31:49 > 0:31:54sitting and talking to someone, sitting quietly after a lunch without alcohol,
0:31:54 > 0:31:57in the car while stopped in traffic.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01Ben here scored 6 and you'll be pleased to know that 7 to 8 is average.
0:32:01 > 0:32:070 to 6 indicates you get sufficient sleep. I don't know that my taxes are going properly
0:32:07 > 0:32:12if a doctor gets sufficient sleep. I pay you to be utterly overworked and underslept.
0:32:12 > 0:32:17- I thought this was a confidential medical...- Oh, sorry. Damn!
0:32:18 > 0:32:21This is Jo "Marlon Brando".
0:32:21 > 0:32:23LAUGHTER
0:32:23 > 0:32:30- You answered zero to everything. You sleep enough. You never fall asleep. - I never fall asleep anywhere, no.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32That's fantastic. Andy...
0:32:32 > 0:32:37Sitting and reading - 1, watching TV - 3. Your total, which you haven't done... Thanks.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40I got too tired.
0:32:40 > 0:32:42Your total is 14.
0:32:42 > 0:32:48- Yes.- Alan has answered "3" to almost everything, except sitting and talking to someone.
0:32:48 > 0:32:52- I don't sleep there. - And you score 19.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55If I sit and read a book, I fall asleep immediately.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58Anyway, you get sufficient sleep, Ben.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02The rest of you, I'm sorry to say... 7 to 8 is average.
0:33:02 > 0:33:08Anything above 9 indicates you should seek the advice of a sleep specialist without delay.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11- YAWNING: - I'll get on to it straight away.
0:33:11 > 0:33:17There you are. Drop your trousers. It's time for a dose of general ignorance. Fingers on beepers.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20Why shouldn't you sleep with a dog?
0:33:20 > 0:33:23- COUGHING - Yes?
0:33:23 > 0:33:25He won't respect you in the morning, will he?
0:33:25 > 0:33:29- LAUGHTER - It's against the law, isn't it?
0:33:29 > 0:33:34Not in a sexual sense. I mean "share a bed with". I'm afraid it's terribly unhealthy.
0:33:34 > 0:33:38Quite a lot of plague, amazingly, good old bubonic plague,
0:33:38 > 0:33:43- especially in the southern USA. - Not in this country surely?
0:33:43 > 0:33:48- At the moment, we seem to be OK. - Because dogs are wearing those anti-plague hats.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50LAUGHTER
0:33:50 > 0:33:55Can I just say a propos of nothing, what hideous pillow cases!
0:33:55 > 0:33:59- They are, aren't they? - Is it from the '70s, that picture?
0:33:59 > 0:34:04I bet they're that kind of brushed nylon where you catch your fingernails on it.
0:34:04 > 0:34:09The diseases you get off animals are often worse than the diseases you get off people
0:34:09 > 0:34:15because the diseases that live in humans can't kill you off instantly and universally,
0:34:15 > 0:34:17otherwise the disease would die out.
0:34:17 > 0:34:23They need you to carry on sneezing on the bus and scratching your arse and preparing food
0:34:23 > 0:34:25and the things you do to transmit stuff,
0:34:25 > 0:34:31but something that lives on a dog doesn't care if it kills off a dead-end host like a human.
0:34:31 > 0:34:35- It's not bred to... It's not part of its normal life cycle.- Yeah.
0:34:35 > 0:34:40Letting dogs and cats share your bed can cause all manner of problems.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43Now I'm having a panic attack. What do you recommend?
0:34:43 > 0:34:46A paper bag. KLAXON SOUNDS
0:34:47 > 0:34:50Ah, yes, the good old paper bag.
0:34:50 > 0:34:54- Is that not recommended any more? - No, it isn't.
0:34:54 > 0:34:59- Nor indeed the other stand-by - take a deep breath. - "Pull yourself together."
0:34:59 > 0:35:02- "Pull yourself together" is probably OK.- Yes.
0:35:02 > 0:35:07- "Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains." - Slap her, she's hysterical!
0:35:07 > 0:35:13- She had, I think...- She had good reason to be hysterical.- Jack was not behaving normally, was he?
0:35:13 > 0:35:19He was being odd. There's a new treatment called capnometry assisted respiratory training
0:35:19 > 0:35:23or CART. It encourages people to take shallow, not deep breaths.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26- You want to avoid blowing off too much carbon dioxide.- Yeah.
0:35:26 > 0:35:31Because you're hyperventilating, you're getting rid of too much CO2.
0:35:31 > 0:35:36The idea was that if you do it in the bag, you're breathing back in the CO2,
0:35:36 > 0:35:42but this is now not considered a good idea. "It's dangerous and should be retired" is the opinion.
0:35:42 > 0:35:47- It's quite hard to find a paper bag. - I'm still going to try it on Winner.
0:35:47 > 0:35:51And avoid if you can fatty and spicy foods.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55So now I'm feeling extremely angry! What should I do?
0:35:56 > 0:35:59Calm down, dear!
0:35:59 > 0:36:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:01 > 0:36:04That's very good. You're quite right.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11- What's the best thing to do when you're angry?- Have a cigarette?
0:36:11 > 0:36:16- I'm not sure that's medically recommended.- Lie down in a dark room? Think about something nice?
0:36:16 > 0:36:20- Puppies?- Those are all good suggestions.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23The suggestion I'm glad you didn't make is "let it out".
0:36:23 > 0:36:29There was this idea that if you got very angry, you should punch a punchbag and shout.
0:36:29 > 0:36:36They've done some experiments and those that let out their anger became over time more aggressive.
0:36:36 > 0:36:42The hypothesis is that blowing off steam may reduce psychological stress in the short term,
0:36:42 > 0:36:46but it acts as a reward mechanism, reinforcing aggressive behaviour.
0:36:46 > 0:36:51You feel good when you let it out again, so maybe it's better to bottle it up.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54Be British, in other words. Stiff upper lip.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58- Don't make a scene or a fuss. - Don't make a bloody fuss!
0:36:58 > 0:37:02And above all... avoid fatty and spicy foods.
0:37:02 > 0:37:07Yes, also according to psychologists at the University of California Santa Barbara,
0:37:07 > 0:37:12it's best to make decisions when you're angry which is not what you might think.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16It seems that anger will actually... Again it's a hypothesis.
0:37:16 > 0:37:22..that anger is designed to motivate people to take action.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25- It helps people take the right action.- Buying shoes.
0:37:25 > 0:37:32- Buying shoes when you're angry. - Make sure you're livid when you go in the shop.- "I want my shoes!"
0:37:32 > 0:37:36"Which pair would you like?" "THOSE! I'm pleased with these."
0:37:36 > 0:37:39Letting your anger out just makes matters worse.
0:37:39 > 0:37:45If you want to wash the bacteria off your hands, what temperature should the water be?
0:37:45 > 0:37:49I would say it would need to be above 30, 40...
0:37:49 > 0:37:54To kill the bacteria, the water would have to be far too hot to touch.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57It would have to be about 80 degrees centigrade.
0:37:57 > 0:38:03It's nothing to do with the temperature. It's the vigorousness of the scrubbing action.
0:38:03 > 0:38:08For proper infection control, we should all be naked below the elbow.
0:38:08 > 0:38:13- Short sleeves is the answer?- Yeah. - Which you do see in some doctors nowadays.
0:38:13 > 0:38:19- Is that now the norm?- I think so. - That's interesting.- I like those taps they have, the elbow taps.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22I'll get some of those for home.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27But do, above all, avoid fatty and spicy foods.
0:38:27 > 0:38:32How many portions of fruit and veg should you eat each day?
0:38:32 > 0:38:35Oh, now, in Japan they say nine.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38Yes, it's different all over the world, it seems.
0:38:38 > 0:38:46The five is being chosen in Britain because that's the most they could persuade the British to eat.
0:38:46 > 0:38:53- We are the most reluctant to eat... - "There's no way they'll eat any of it."- Anything green is repulsive.
0:38:53 > 0:38:55Denmark says six, France ten.
0:38:55 > 0:39:00- In Canada, it's between five and ten.- Somebody just went, "Eugh!" - The idea!
0:39:00 > 0:39:03In Scotland, it's one.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06A month.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09Supposedly, it's seven for women and...
0:39:09 > 0:39:12Haribos count in Scotland!
0:39:13 > 0:39:15Wine gums, things like that.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - Have some vegetables - Starmix!
0:39:18 > 0:39:22"I'll have a bag of Dolly Mixtures!"
0:39:22 > 0:39:25I really wish my fridge looked like that.
0:39:25 > 0:39:30- Does anyone's fridge ever look like that?- Certainly not mine, no.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33I can't see a single pork pie in there.
0:39:33 > 0:39:39- No.- I have a lot of veg in my fridge.- Do you like pork pies? - I love them.- I love pork pies.
0:39:39 > 0:39:44I like pork pies, but you start a pork pie and you think, "I really like this,"
0:39:44 > 0:39:50but two-thirds of the way through, I start to go off it and I don't know why. Is that to do with me?
0:39:50 > 0:39:53Send it to me, the rest of it.
0:39:53 > 0:39:58- You've got pork pie avoidance syndrome.- Yes, you have.
0:39:58 > 0:40:05It's rather staggering there are any British people left alive in the world. It's just amazing.
0:40:05 > 0:40:10We all eat fatty, spicy food and certainly don't get our five a day.
0:40:10 > 0:40:14Lastly, here's something every teenage boy should know.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17What is it that burns when you set fire to your farts?
0:40:19 > 0:40:23- You want someone to say "methane", don't you?- I'll say it. Methane.
0:40:23 > 0:40:27- KLAXON - Thank you, Andy.- I thought it was methane.- Everybody does.
0:40:27 > 0:40:32No, most human beings do not produce methane in their extrusions.
0:40:32 > 0:40:37It seems that we produce about three pints of wind a day.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40- Pints?- Yes, it's measured in pints.
0:40:40 > 0:40:44Released in 10 to 15 individual episodes.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47You can get a box set as well.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50LAUGHTER
0:40:51 > 0:40:53Best...
0:40:53 > 0:40:57Or you can have a feature-length episode.
0:40:59 > 0:41:05Pyro-flatulence, igniting these episodes, can lead to serious burns, so don't try it at home, everybody.
0:41:05 > 0:41:09Methane in the body results from microbes called methanogens,
0:41:09 > 0:41:16but only a third of humans have methanogens in their gut flora. It seems to be genetically determined.
0:41:16 > 0:41:22A 2009 study by Arizona State University showed that methane producers are more efficient
0:41:22 > 0:41:28at converting their undigested food into fat reserves, which bluntly put, means fat people fart more.
0:41:28 > 0:41:32- The major components of flatus... - LAUGHTER
0:41:32 > 0:41:35The major components are all odourless.
0:41:35 > 0:41:39The aroma is caused by skatole, indole and hydrogen sulphide.
0:41:39 > 0:41:45During the Great Plague of London, doctors recommended patients store their farts in a jar,
0:41:45 > 0:41:49then when they were feeling unwell, smell them. Apparently, this would help.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52Anyway, it's usually hydrogen that's lit.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55As I always say, better out than in.
0:41:55 > 0:41:58- Definitely.- A bit like Simon Cowell in a lifeboat.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:42:01 > 0:42:06And now the complications set in as we look at the final scores.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09It's very exciting because in first place
0:42:09 > 0:42:15with a very positive and a very thrillingly impressive eight points, it's Andy Hamilton!
0:42:15 > 0:42:19- APPLAUSE - That's not happened before.
0:42:19 > 0:42:21And in...
0:42:21 > 0:42:25In second place with five points, it's Dr Ben Goldacre!
0:42:25 > 0:42:27APPLAUSE
0:42:29 > 0:42:35But by no means the sickest patient on the ward with only minus seven is Alan Davies!
0:42:35 > 0:42:37Oh, no! APPLAUSE
0:42:38 > 0:42:45I'm afraid it's get the mortuary trolley ready at minus 24 - Jo Brand!
0:42:45 > 0:42:47APPLAUSE
0:42:50 > 0:42:56That's all from us tonight, so it's good night from Ben, Andy, Jo, Alan and me.
0:42:56 > 0:42:59I leave you with this heart-warming tale from America.
0:42:59 > 0:43:05In 1981, the Mayor of Springfield, Illinois suffered a heart attack during a council meeting.
0:43:05 > 0:43:11The council voted to wish him a speedy recovery by a margin of 19 votes to 18. Good night.
0:43:29 > 0:43:33Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2011
0:43:33 > 0:43:36Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk