0:00:23 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Gooooood evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:38 > 0:00:42and welcome to an episode of QI that is jam-packed with J words.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Joining me to joust and jostle
0:00:44 > 0:00:48in tonight's J-themed jamboree are the jazzy Bill Bailey...
0:00:48 > 0:00:51APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:56..the jest-propelled Jimmy Carr...
0:00:56 > 0:00:58APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:04..the jasmine-scented Victoria Coren...
0:01:04 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE
0:01:09 > 0:01:12..and that jolly jackanapes, Alan Davies.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15APPLAUSE
0:01:18 > 0:01:24We have fantastically obscure and recondite J buzzers.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Bill goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:28STRING MUSIC
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- That's a jarana. - Oh, it's jarana, yes.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32It's a Mexican percussive...
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Yes, you strum it. With a "Jheeurgh"...
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Exactly. Victoria goes...
0:01:37 > 0:01:41STRING MUSIC
0:01:41 > 0:01:45That's a Finnish instrument called a jouhikko.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- And Jimmy goes... - I don't imagine I'll get this.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51STRING MUSIC
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Good.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Correct. Well, I think we both know. Tell them.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59It's actually a Russian instrument. It's a jalalaika.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Finally, Alan goes...
0:02:02 > 0:02:03BOING!
0:02:03 > 0:02:04LAUGHTER
0:02:04 > 0:02:05- Jewish harp.- It is.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07It was originally called a jaws harp
0:02:07 > 0:02:10because it's played in the mouth like that.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Anyway, to get you in the mood,
0:02:12 > 0:02:17what do these unfamiliar J words mean?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- There are lots of them. - Janker. I've heard of jankers.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25- That's an army thing, isn't it?- Yes. Jankers is an army punishment.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Cleaning latrines or peeling 10,000 spuds.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29That's right, you're put on jankers.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32It looks like lots of them are minced oaths.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35What was that? A minced...?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38A minced oath. Like saying "fudge" or "sugar".
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Like a bowdlerised version of a swear word.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Like saying, "By... carbonate of soda."
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Or, "Shut the front door!"
0:02:46 > 0:02:48LAUGHTER
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Or fu...crying out loud!
0:02:52 > 0:02:57- Have you ever said that?- What, fu-crying...- Fu-crying out loud?
0:02:57 > 0:03:01It works very well. Or fu-Christ's sake.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04For photographers that follow you.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06"Why don't you just f...otograph someone else?"
0:03:06 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:11A jollop?
0:03:11 > 0:03:15It's a juice, some sort of unguent. Some sort of...
0:03:15 > 0:03:18A jollop is actually a turkey's wattle.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I'm going to say, "Bluff."
0:03:21 > 0:03:22LAUGHTER
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Sorry, is it the wrong game?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28It's a good word, yeah.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- Or it can mean a strong liquor. - Jollop - a strong liquor?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- Don't.- I didn't say anything.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I didn't say anything. I was going to, but I didn't.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40A jentacular, jentacular...
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Is this what friends of Jennifer Aniston say how she looks before she goes out?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46LAUGHTER
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- No. It means, "pertaining to breakfast".- It does not.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52BILL: Why? Why do you need that, though?
0:03:52 > 0:03:56- In your life?- Well, you have a lunchy word. It's a lunchy type of thing.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- It's a breakfasty type of thing. - What's a lunch word, then?
0:04:00 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- So you would say toast is a bit jentacular?- Yeah.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07This toast is jentacular! LAUGHTER
0:04:07 > 0:04:09When has anyone ever said that, ever?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13These are unusual words, I grant you.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16It's like "pandiculate". It means, "to yawn".
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- But you'd never use it in that sense.- No.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21You'd just say "yawn", cos we've got the word "yawn".
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- So we don't need to know that word, is what you're saying?- No.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26So I need to forget that now
0:04:26 > 0:04:30cos that's taken vital space I need for pin numbers,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33really useful things, in my brain.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Not what I should say about breakfast. "Ooh, it's 11!
0:04:36 > 0:04:38"Oh, I said jentacular! What an idiot!"
0:04:38 > 0:04:40LAUGHTER
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- Here to astonish you...- Go on.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46One of these words on this board has 28 separate meanings.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50I'm going to put those meanings up. Tell me which word it is.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Back passage, vagina, penis.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- AUDIENCE: Jobbie!- Junt!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Jobbie, you think?
0:05:00 > 0:05:04- Jigger.- We're getting a lot of jiggering from the audience.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- It must be jigger.- I'm with jigger. - Jigger is the right answer.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11I'm going to share five points with Victoria
0:05:11 > 0:05:13and five points with the audience.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15CHEERING
0:05:19 > 0:05:22The word jigger has all those definitions.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24It's a measuring device - a jigger of rum.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27A snooker rest, an odd-looking person, Bill.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Sorry, just an odd-looking person. A distillery.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33LAUGHTER
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Don't say vagina and point to me.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- Again.- Penis and...
0:05:39 > 0:05:42LAUGHTER
0:05:42 > 0:05:45..woman's coat. That's a nice... thingummy.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48People do complain that there aren't any good words for vagina.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51There's no way of saying it that sounds nice.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Jigger is not the answer.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I think twinkle cave.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57LAUGHTER
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Twinkle cave?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02APPLAUSE
0:06:04 > 0:06:06It's a less offensive term for a fu-fu.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12So jigger is back passage, vagina, penis...
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- Well, that's confusing right there. - Straight away.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17"Just stick it in me jigger." "What?"
0:06:17 > 0:06:19"You're going to have to be more specific, love."
0:06:19 > 0:06:21"Do you mean jigger one or jigger two?"
0:06:21 > 0:06:24It's also a golf club. So if you ask your caddy, "Do you think
0:06:24 > 0:06:28"I should pull my jigger out for this shot? What do you think?"
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Yeah, get your jigger out,
0:06:29 > 0:06:33rest it on your jigger, stick it in my jigger, mind the jigger.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35What about Ouija board? You're at a party.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38"Let's all put our fingers together on your jigger."
0:06:38 > 0:06:40LAUGHTER
0:06:40 > 0:06:45"It's moving. Is it doing that by itself or are we making it?"
0:06:45 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Potter's wheel.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54That's what they used to put on the TV when they ran out of programmes.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56"Put the jigger on. NOT THAT ONE!"
0:06:56 > 0:06:58LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Revolving. A revolving jigger.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Certain words do double duty. Certain words do triple duty.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Words like jigger seem to do multiple duty.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16But what did Dr Johnson tie up with his padlock?
0:07:16 > 0:07:22- Did he bury his cheese to stop it getting burnt in the fire?- You're confusing him with Samuel Pepys...
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- Aw! - LAUGHTER
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- ..who did indeed bury a Parmesan cheese in his garden in 1666... - They're very valuable.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32..which was 60 years before Johnson.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35He's the guy that did the dictionary, right?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37One of the many things he did. He wrote Rasselas.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41He was one of the greatest literary figures of his age.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44But he was physically...
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I wouldn't say "disabled" exactly,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49but he was victim of many of the diseases of the age.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- Gout?- Scrofula, gout, yeah. - They all had gout, didn't they? - Things like that.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57- What is scrofula?- Scrofula used to be called "the king's evil".
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- Ooh!- Inflammation of the jigger.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- LAUGHTER - That would more or less cover it!
0:08:03 > 0:08:08Sorry. I'm a question late, but I'm suddenly thinking about those meanings of "jigger".
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Do you think that's where "jiggery-pokery" comes from?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- Oh, my goodness!- It really might.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16That's true...in both senses. You could poke...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I think you'll find it's more...
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Oh, well, it could be, I suppose. Yeah.
0:08:22 > 0:08:28It could, if you're having fun on the farm, be "piggery-jokery". Yes, there's a thought.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29JIMMY LAUGHS
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- LAUGHTER - But anyway...
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Dr Johnson was half-blind and scarred by scrofula.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41He also had the usual array of 18th-century maladies - palsy, dropsy, gout, flatulence.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43He had massive white headphones.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46LAUGHTER
0:08:46 > 0:08:50And he suffered from OCD and probably from Tourette's syndrome.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53The man that wrote the dictionary had Tourette's?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55I've got to re-read that book.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58He gestured wildly
0:08:58 > 0:09:02and it seemed to be a tic. We would probably now call it Tourette's.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06I think that's rather beautiful if somebody who suffered from Tourette's created the dictionary.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- It is.- Total verbal control.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12How lovely if Johnson,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15if he had that form of Tourette's where he couldn't control his spoken language,
0:09:15 > 0:09:19- to make a dictionary. That's very poetic.- It would be, wouldn't it?
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- He was prone to seizures and outbursts.- VICTORIA: Himself?
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Yeah. He went to live with Mrs Hester Thrale in Streatham.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29He was deeply in love with Mrs Thrale
0:09:29 > 0:09:31and he basically said to her,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33"I have a padlock and chain,
0:09:33 > 0:09:35"and at any moment, when I seem to be out of control,
0:09:35 > 0:09:39- "I'm now giving you permission in advance to chain me up."- Wow.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I know a woman in Streatham that will still do that.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47- LAUGHTER - She's surprisingly reasonable.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Sadly, what happened was that Mr Thrale died
0:09:51 > 0:09:53and instead of Hester Thrale marrying Johnson,
0:09:53 > 0:09:57she went off to Italy and married a very young, handsome Italian.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- Is that sad for her? It sounds like that's gone quite well.- No, sad for Johnson.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- Was he prone to just lash out? - To flail.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05He was prone to flail.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09So, Dr Johnson liked to be tied up and padlocked.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13When I say he liked to be, I can quote you what Mrs Thrale said.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17- This is quite surprising and advanced for its age.- Go on. - She said here,
0:10:17 > 0:10:22"Says Johnson, a woman has such power between the ages of 25 and 45
0:10:22 > 0:10:27"that she may tie a man to a post and whip him if she will."
0:10:27 > 0:10:29And added the footnote,
0:10:29 > 0:10:33"This, he knew of himself, was literally and strictly true."
0:10:33 > 0:10:36So he obviously did like to be whipped.
0:10:36 > 0:10:41- Whilst tied up.- Yup, that's right. So, there we are.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43But what's the one thing we can all agree
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Hitler, Stalin and Franco got right
0:10:46 > 0:10:48and Mussolini got wrong?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Mussolini surrendered.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55Well, no, there's something the three moustachioed dictators
0:10:55 > 0:10:57loathed and detested
0:10:57 > 0:11:00but Mussolini rather liked.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01- Erm...- Pasta.- Yes.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05LAUGHTER
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Say what you want about Simon Schama,
0:11:09 > 0:11:10he'd never come up with that.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Let's stick with the letter J.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- Jackets with jeans, like Clarkson.- No.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Oh! Was it double denim?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21That again doesn't begin with J.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- J, J, J, jizz... - The 20th century...
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Yes! You're close.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I'm close?
0:11:27 > 0:11:3020th century. You only got one vowel out.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- Jazz!- Jazz! Jazz music.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35APPLAUSE
0:11:39 > 0:11:40I disagree with this question.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Our very, very naughty people have suggested
0:11:44 > 0:11:48that Hitler, Stalin and Franco were right for disliking jazz.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I personally love jazz.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53So you're saying that Hitler didn't like jazz?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Not just didn't like it.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- The more I hear about this guy, the less I like him.- I know.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02I know. I agree. Jazz was, to the Germans, inimical.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05They thought it was total evil.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- It was completely against everything they stood for. - But people, presumably,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11did listen to it in great numbers.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13There's a bit of...yow! SNAPS FINGERS
0:12:13 > 0:12:17A bit of that of an evening, and then as soon as the SS come round,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20"Turn it off!"
0:12:20 > 0:12:22But Mussolini, oddly enough, for all his faults -
0:12:22 > 0:12:24and let's face it, they were many and grievous -
0:12:24 > 0:12:28he listened to jazz in private. His son, Romano,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31was one of post-war Italy's most celebrated jazz musicians.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35He played with Dizzy Gillespie, Duke Ellington and Chet Baker.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38You can't get much higher than that in the jazz world.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I know what they mean. Just Bill clicking his fingers there,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44I felt the urge to do very bad things.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- You know... - I got the best seat this evening.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49LAUGHTER
0:12:49 > 0:12:51BILL CLICKS FINGERS
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Is that how they would scare German machine gun outposts?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57They'd just creep up and go, "Zoo-babiddy-bow!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59"Bow-bow!"
0:12:59 > 0:13:03They're firing regularly and you fire syncopatively.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Yeah. Boom-boom, boom-boom-boom!
0:13:05 > 0:13:08But it's quite important. I read One For The Road, and also,
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I spent a little bit of time in South Africa.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16- Jazz clubs are very important, culturally...- Absolutely. In South Africa, huge.
0:13:16 > 0:13:21Underground, illegal, likely to be shut down with disastrous consequences for all who take part,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24but really quite important, so hard to imagine it
0:13:24 > 0:13:26being that now.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31But like rock and roll, it became a symbol of defiance.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- In Paris, it was hugely important. - Wasn't that Hitler's thing with comedy?
0:13:34 > 0:13:39He didn't like Jewish comedy cos if you laugh with someone - presumably the same with music -
0:13:39 > 0:13:42if you enjoy their music, you couldn't hate them.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44What you're experiencing there is cognitive dissonance.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Cognitive dissonance is exactly right.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I think you'll find that's it.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Take the audience through cognitive dissonance.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Never mind them, take me through cognitive dissonance.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56It's exactly what you described -
0:13:56 > 0:13:58the ability to hold two opposing opinions at the same time.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03They seem to contradict each other, but actually, humans can do that.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Here's cognitive dissonance.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Here I am on QI, like you see on the television.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09It's quite nice, everyone seems nice, I'm having a nice time.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13And yet, we've had the question, "What did Hitler get right?"
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Which is exactly what my grandmother told me would happen if I went on television.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18LAUGHTER
0:14:18 > 0:14:23Last night, I had an anxiety dream about coming on here.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I was so terrified of it. In the dream, I was sitting here.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27I think I was on the other side.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- An you were asking the question very sternly.- No.- Yes.
0:14:30 > 0:14:36The question was, "Why was the March Hare so important to the Aztecs?"
0:14:36 > 0:14:37LAUGHTER
0:14:39 > 0:14:42I didn't know the answer. And I said, "Do they worship it?"
0:14:42 > 0:14:45And the screens went, "Worship it! Worship it!"
0:14:45 > 0:14:46LAUGHTER
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Which was absolutely terrifying.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Stephen, ask the question. Let's make it happen.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I'm such an amateur, I didn't even Google the answer.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04That's an amazing dream. That's very specific. It's not like...
0:15:04 > 0:15:08I dream, "Oh, I went up to the shops and bought some milk and bread."
0:15:08 > 0:15:11I wake up and go, "Where is it?"
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I thought, "I'm sure I went up the shop and got it but...
0:15:17 > 0:15:21"That's a crazy dream. Must have been that blue cheese I had last night."
0:15:21 > 0:15:22But that's really...
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Yeah, definately the blue cheese was the issue.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28"Blue cheese."
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Were you actually asleep? Or was this a sort of premonition?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- We'll find out.- Yes, we will.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- Can we just confirm, this is happening now?- Yes.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42We're not in one of Vicky's dreams, cos that would be...
0:15:42 > 0:15:43That'd be brilliant!
0:15:43 > 0:15:46You could be the March Hare. I'll be the Aztecs...
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- Bring it on. - Let's get some blue cheese.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51LAUGHTER
0:15:51 > 0:15:56Well, Maxim Gorky, the great Russian writer, wrote this on the subject of jazz -
0:15:56 > 0:16:00"The dry knock of an idiotic hammer penetrates the utter stillness.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03"One, two, three, ten, 20 strikes,
0:16:03 > 0:16:08"and afterwards, a wild whistling and squeaking, as if a ball of mud was falling into clear water.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11"Then follows a rattling, howling and screaming,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14"like the clamour of a metal pig, the cry of a donkey,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17"or the amorous croaking of a monstrous frog.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19"The offensive chaos of this insanity
0:16:19 > 0:16:22"combines into a compulsive, pulsing rhythm.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26"Listen to this screaming for only a few minutes,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28"and one involuntarily pictures an orchestra
0:16:28 > 0:16:30"of sexually wound-up mad men,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33"conducted by a stallion-like creature
0:16:33 > 0:16:38- "who is swinging his giant genitals." - LAUGHTER
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I am now having an anxiety dream!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44That's a description of Jedward, isn't it?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
0:16:47 > 0:16:54Well, anyway, that's probably enough jazz. Here are four J birds.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57What immediately comes to mind when you look at them?
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- Wings.- It's J I'm after.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04There's something that allows you to recognise them
0:17:04 > 0:17:07that a bird-spotter would call their...
0:17:07 > 0:17:08- Jizz.- Yes!
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- Yes.- You knew that? - I'm a twitterer, aren't I?- Yes!
0:17:11 > 0:17:15APPLAUSE
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Jizz is an acronym, not...
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Don't think of where you might think it's going.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25It's the General Impression, Size and Shape.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28It came from being able to spot planes in the war.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33You could spot the outline of planes from underneath.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35It was a military term, Jizz,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- but birders use it, too.- Everything you say is believed by many
0:17:38 > 0:17:41but unfortunately, there's no evidence for that.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45So while you got the word absolutely right
0:17:45 > 0:17:48and there are points pouring your way,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- the actual explanation is not proven.- So there'd be a book
0:17:50 > 0:17:54I could look up the internet at home, "Jizz on birds," and that is fine.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Yes.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56LAUGHTER
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Absolutely right.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I've got a lot of growing up to do, is all I know.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03The pop etymology is that it might be "just is".
0:18:03 > 0:18:06In other words, you can't say specifically
0:18:06 > 0:18:12why that aeroplane is Spitfire or that bird is a siskin. It just is.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Or even "gist", the essence, the gist.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- Yeah.- But no-one's quite sure.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20The other kind of jizz is a contraction of the word jism.
0:18:20 > 0:18:25- What does that mean? - Jism, jisar, jisat, jisarum.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- I could tell you where it comes from. I could show you!- No!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30LAUGHTER
0:18:30 > 0:18:31You're not to do that.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35- Again.- Too late?- Yes.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Jism has a meaning. Can you imagine what jism might mean?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41It means spirit or energy.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- Yeah. "I withhold my jism. I deny them..."- You shouldn't do that.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Is that meant to encourage us? What's that doing?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- It's spiritual energy. - Oh, yeah, sure(!)
0:18:53 > 0:18:55That looks like we're trying to sell some sort of massage CD.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- Here's a top jizz fact.- Go on.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Imagine one little sperm.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- A tiny-winey little sperm.- Got it.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06They're very, very small.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09You couldn't see it with the naked eye.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14No bigger than an acorn.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18You know about computers and memories and things.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20They have information on them,
0:19:20 > 0:19:25which is expressed in terms of bytes, kilobytes or megabytes.
0:19:25 > 0:19:30How much information do you think is in the DNA of one little sperm?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I think it just says, "Swim."
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- So - what, one bit?- One bit.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- One bit.- One bit of information - swim that way.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Either one bit or one trillion bits.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42It's 37.5 megabytes.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Which means that a normal ejaculation...
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- Talk about your hard drive. - ..represents...
0:19:48 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Is this...just after you've logged off?
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Just going to plug in my dongle, Bill.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02How many more of these can we...?
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- Before we go home. - As long as it's not a floppy.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09You can still hold a lot in a floppy.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14A normal male ejaculation, if there is such a thing...
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I came here to talk about the Aztecs!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18LAUGHTER
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Will you accept my personal apology, Victoria?
0:20:22 > 0:20:27..is the equivalent of 15,875 gigabytes.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29That's 15.8 terabytes.
0:20:29 > 0:20:35That's about 7,500 laptops' worth of information in one ejaculation.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37It's gone to waste, just thrown away.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40LAUGHTER
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- Well, not necessarily. - Down the end of a sock.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44LAUGHTER
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- Stop it.- What? He started it.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50LAUGHTER
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Yes, jizz, as you knew as a bird-spotter,
0:20:53 > 0:20:57is that indefinable something, the shape, the gait, the outline
0:20:57 > 0:21:00that allows you to identify a bird. But we have
0:21:00 > 0:21:01the four birds we showed you.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05- I thought you were going to say, "We have some jizz."- No!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08"We have some birds you can identify here by their jizz."
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- We literally do.- Oh, look.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Yep. They all begin with J, that's your clue.
0:21:13 > 0:21:18- I'm going to say that's a jayhawk. - That's not a hawk, is it? Look at it.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23- What are you saying?!- That, swooping down and picking up a rabbit?!
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Look, that's it to scale, Bill. That's the size of it.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Oh, right. Oh, it's a long way off.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- It's massive!- Have you seen a hawk's beak and eye?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35A hawk's... Yes! It's not the common hawk.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37It's a raptor. That's not a raptor,
0:21:37 > 0:21:39that's a flipping flycatcher or something.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- You are very good, it's a flycatcher.- It's a flycatcher,
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- there you go.- He's good, he's good.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Yeah, don't mess with the jizzmeister.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Hey, I was second on that.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- No, you weren't, you weren't even close.- I came second.- A hawk?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53You just mentioned a type of bird,
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- that's not coming second. - Stick up the next one. I'll get it. - In medieval times,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00did they go out with one of them on a gauntlet? "Fly!"
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- That is called a blacktail. - "Bring me a fly!"
0:22:03 > 0:22:08Shh! Just to finish it, that was a flycatcher, it was a Juan Fernandez tit-tyrant.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- A crested... - Oh, God, here we go again.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- Wait a minute. - Oh, tit-tyrant, oh...
0:22:18 > 0:22:21"A Juan Fernandez tit-tyrant."
0:22:21 > 0:22:26A crested, spotty-chested member of the tyrant flycatcher...
0:22:26 > 0:22:27A spotty-chested member?
0:22:27 > 0:22:31There are points for knowing where the Juan Fernandez Islands are.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35SPLUTTERS: Breast Cock Lane?
0:22:37 > 0:22:38That's the spirit!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40APPLAUSE
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Now you're getting it.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46You are getting into it very much.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- The Juan Fernandez Islands? - Somewhere in South America.- Chile.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53- Chile.- Fair enough, OK. The next bird, this black one here.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57It's some sort of... What is that, a bird of para...? No.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58It's got massive green...feet.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00It's a weaver bird, in fact.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02If I tell you it's a weaver bird,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- you'll probably know it comes from...?- Yorkshire.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08LAUGHTER
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Yeah.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- It's Jackson's widowbird. - Jackson's widowbird?- The next one.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19- At least name the type of bird that it is.- Jabiru, it's a stork.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- And it is a jabiru, correct answer. - Yes, of course.- Very good.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24APPLAUSE
0:23:24 > 0:23:27This man is good.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28That is a jabiru, it's a stork,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31and it can be five foot tall with a nine-foot wingspan.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35It's a hell of a stork. Well spotted. This man is impressive.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- Oh, thank you.- OK, and the last one.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Oh, it's very punk rock, it's from...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43I would say it's from the '70s.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45JEW'S HARP PLAYS
0:23:45 > 0:23:46Jedward.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:50 > 0:23:52We'll allow you that.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55I think he could be called the Jedward bird from now on,
0:23:55 > 0:23:56it does have another J word.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- Do you know what type of bird that is, Bill?- It's, erm...
0:23:59 > 0:24:04- Hawk. It's a hawk! - Look at the size of its beak!
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- How can it pick up a rabbit? - Those are oranges!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08- It's actually a waxwing. - It's a waxwing.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- It's a Japanese waxwing.- Oh, it's a Japanese one!- Japanese waxwing,
0:24:12 > 0:24:16found in Japan, China and Eastern Russia. Very good. OK.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19What did Watson do twice as often as Holmes?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Oh, I don't want to say now.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- I guess he had more time on his hands.- Stick with it.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27What did he do twice...?
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Oh, I do know. It's, er...
0:24:28 > 0:24:30it's, er...ejaculate.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Ejaculate is the right answer!
0:24:33 > 0:24:34APPLAUSE
0:24:36 > 0:24:38This is the one thing I know about Sherlock Homes
0:24:38 > 0:24:42because it's in the book. It's an old term meaning to...
0:24:42 > 0:24:44To exclaim, expostulate.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49He constantly... "'But, Holmes!' I ejaculated," you get a lot.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- I mean, the books are brilliant anyway.- They are.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55But every 20 pages, that happens and you go...
0:24:55 > 0:24:57SNIGGERS
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Yes, there are 23 ejaculations in the canon, as it's known.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- They call it the canon?- Christ!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08The canon is the...
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- And one up the spout.- Oh, Christ.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13As in the word "canonical".
0:25:13 > 0:25:17- I give to you the canon. - Yeah.- Stand back!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22There's approximately 23 ejaculations.
0:25:22 > 0:25:2648 terabytes of information are coming your way.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30- Stand by!- You're a very lucky lady.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- Watson ejaculates 11 times. - Christ on a bike!
0:25:36 > 0:25:41Holmes, on one occasion, refers to Watson's ejaculations of wonder
0:25:41 > 0:25:43being invaluable to his art.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Watson does ejaculate from his very heart
0:25:47 > 0:25:50in the direction of his fiancee. Holmes gives six,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53but there is one where it's quite hard to tell who it is. So...
0:25:53 > 0:25:57- That can happen, Stephen, yeah. - Who's ejaculating here?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Let's just, let's just...imagine.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03"So he sat as I dropped off to sleep, and so he sat,
0:26:03 > 0:26:06"when a sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up."
0:26:06 > 0:26:07LAUGHTER
0:26:07 > 0:26:12- "I found..."- Have you ever been woken up by a sudden ejaculation?
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- Stop!- We've talked enough about your dreams.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19There's a fellow called Phelps in the wonderful story The Naval Treaty.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21He ejaculates three times, actually.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24The only other ejaculator is Mrs Sinclair's husband,
0:26:24 > 0:26:29who ejaculates from a second-floor window.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30LAUGHTER
0:26:30 > 0:26:35This is the most fun I've ever had on this show.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38The funny thing is, it probably would be...
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- I'm not joining in with this, by the way.- Quite right.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44This is genuinely a point about Sherlock Holmes.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48He probably did ejaculate fewer times than Watson, in the other sense as well.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- Obviously, they didn't exist. They're invented.- He wasn't married.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55- But doesn't he seem like he's constantly taking it out on the violin?- Yes.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57And the injections of cocaine.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01- Drugs don't help, do they? - Some of them do.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02LAUGHTER Apparently.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- The old blue cheese. - The "blue cheese".
0:27:05 > 0:27:07LAUGHTER
0:27:07 > 0:27:09So, now,
0:27:09 > 0:27:12whose speech intones, harangues and declaims
0:27:12 > 0:27:18in a long, meandering cascade of sounds, syllables, stresses and intonations
0:27:18 > 0:27:21that might at first seem to be full of sense and meaning,
0:27:21 > 0:27:24but soon reveal itself to be an empty, vain, hollow,
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- and completely meaningless stream of gibberish? - JALALAIKA PLAYS
0:27:27 > 0:27:31- You. - LAUGHTER, BELL RINGS
0:27:31 > 0:27:35APPLAUSE
0:27:36 > 0:27:41- Yeah.- So, it's a stream of gibberish that sounds intelligent?
0:27:41 > 0:27:45This is a technical term, used by people who study such things,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48to describe a stage of speech.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51- BILL: Tongues? Speaking in tongues? - Like a baby.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55- VICTORIA: A juvenile?- Toddlers, babies, you're in the right area.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58- There are phases...- AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:27:58 > 0:28:01- Aw, bless!- Did they really need to add the little kittens there?
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Was it not cute enough?
0:28:04 > 0:28:08- I know. It's so sweet, isn't it? - Look at the little babies!
0:28:08 > 0:28:13It's known as "jargon", oddly enough. It's known as "toddler jargon",
0:28:13 > 0:28:15where the rhythms and the intonations
0:28:15 > 0:28:18are like the language that is going to become the one they speak.
0:28:18 > 0:28:23If they're Japanese, it will sound like Japanese, but not actually be Japanese. If they're Welsh,
0:28:23 > 0:28:27or German, or Peruvian, it will sound like their language.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31- So they get the structure, the syntax, before...? - Yeah, so it'll go like...
0:28:31 > 0:28:34STEPHEN IMITATES A BABY
0:28:35 > 0:28:39AS A BABY: I told you he would come along and ruin our life!
0:28:39 > 0:28:44- So basically small children are like Snoopy's teacher?- Yes! That's right. Long strings of syllables,
0:28:44 > 0:28:47having varied stress and intonation in the same rhythm
0:28:47 > 0:28:49and rise and fall, the same cadences as English speech.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51They sound like whole sentences,
0:28:51 > 0:28:55but don't actually mean anything at all.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58- Like Eamonn Holmes. - LAUGHTER
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Don't all kids get it at the same age as well?
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Yes, more or less. That's the extraordinary thing.
0:29:04 > 0:29:08That's what Noam Chomsky discovered, the great linguist, was that language was pre-programmed.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11If you're going to have a baby, you can go to a website,
0:29:11 > 0:29:14and put your due date in,
0:29:14 > 0:29:20and then they will send you emails weekly telling you what the development of the foetus is,
0:29:20 > 0:29:23and then after you have the baby, they will then send you emails weekly saying,
0:29:23 > 0:29:26- "This is what your baby will be doing."- Good Lord!
0:29:26 > 0:29:29There are phases where it will be blowing spit bubbles,
0:29:29 > 0:29:32and it's astonishing. Every week, it's right.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35But wouldn't it be disturbing if your baby was either ahead
0:29:35 > 0:29:37or behind? Would you not be freaked out?
0:29:37 > 0:29:39Yes, you would be.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43It's in the early weeks, the early first three or four months,
0:29:43 > 0:29:48all the little developmental stages are the same for all infants. It's really, really interesting.
0:29:48 > 0:29:53- Learning to point, things like that. - Oh, it's miraculous. It is a phenomenal thing,
0:29:53 > 0:29:55the growth of a child,
0:29:55 > 0:29:58and as you say, the stages of inbuilt, programmed development of language
0:29:58 > 0:30:03and gesture, which seems to be predictable, as you say.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06And between that 12 and 13 months, you get that babble.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Anyway, who first used the expression, "OMG?"
0:30:09 > 0:30:13- Was it Hannah Montana?- It wasn't Hannah Montana.- That was my guess.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15- It was a good guess, a reasonable guess.- I'm guessing
0:30:15 > 0:30:19- that in the past, it's meant something else.- No, as "Oh, my God."
0:30:19 > 0:30:21- "Oh, my God..."- Jesus.- Not J...!
0:30:21 > 0:30:26LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
0:30:27 > 0:30:30No, this is genuinely a use of OMG in a communication.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Is it going to be on a Morse Code...?
0:30:32 > 0:30:35No, though funnily enough, you're in the right area.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37- Military?- Kissinger?
0:30:37 > 0:30:40Not military, naval. It was two of the great naval figures
0:30:40 > 0:30:42of the First World War.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45- Who was the First Lord of the Admiralty during the...?- Oh!
0:30:45 > 0:30:48- Erm, I have no idea.- Churchill. - Winston Churchill.
0:30:48 > 0:30:53But the great Lord Fisher, in 1917, wrote a letter to Winston Churchill
0:30:53 > 0:30:57saying, "I hear that a new order of knighthoods is on the tapis",
0:30:57 > 0:30:58meaning "on the carpet".
0:30:58 > 0:31:01"OMG, shower it on the Admiralty."
0:31:01 > 0:31:04- Hmm!- So there you are - "Oh, my God."
0:31:04 > 0:31:08- What year was that, sorry? - 1917.- OMG.- Yeah, OMG.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11- That's a really good fact. - That's a good fact, isn't it?
0:31:11 > 0:31:13Can we be certain he meant, "Oh, my God"?
0:31:13 > 0:31:16Yes, definitely, he put, "Oh, my God" in brackets afterwards.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18He wrote, "OMG, brackets, Oh, my God."
0:31:18 > 0:31:21That rather ruined the point of abbreviating it to save time!
0:31:21 > 0:31:23As he was the first user, I guess he had to explain it.
0:31:23 > 0:31:28"OMG, by which I mean, of course, the longer expression 'Oh, my God'."
0:31:28 > 0:31:32Eric Partridge's Dictionary of Abbreviations in 1942
0:31:32 > 0:31:36contained dozens of SMS-friendly examples such as "agn" for again,
0:31:36 > 0:31:38"mth" for month and "gd" for good.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40So they pre-existed.
0:31:40 > 0:31:44But I heard someone vocalise "lol". I actually heard...
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Someone said "lol" as opposed to laugh.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49It was two kids in the street, I told them a joke
0:31:49 > 0:31:50and she went "lol", like that.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54- Rather than laugh? - Rather than laugh.
0:31:54 > 0:31:58- That's just some horrible post-Orwellian nightmare.- It is.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02How amazing is that going to be at stand-up gigs? If people just...
0:32:02 > 0:32:04An audience starts going "lol"?
0:32:05 > 0:32:07Let's just try it.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11After three, just say the word "lol" with as little expression as you can.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13Here we go. One, two, three.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15AUDIENCE: Lol.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19Tim Minchin has actually suggested
0:32:19 > 0:32:22that because people don't laugh out loud when they say "lol",
0:32:22 > 0:32:26he suggests "MAS - mildly amused smirk."
0:32:26 > 0:32:28Which could be quite good,
0:32:28 > 0:32:32- because that's what happens.- Or "NELI" is another one you could have.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34N-E-L-I, "Not even laughing inwardly."
0:32:36 > 0:32:38But you'll be impressed to know
0:32:38 > 0:32:42that in 1659 is the first use of "to unfriend."
0:32:42 > 0:32:45Which we thought was a modern Facebook phrase.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48But "to unfriend" was used by Thomas Fuller,
0:32:48 > 0:32:50who wrote to theologist John Heylyn,
0:32:50 > 0:32:53"I hope, sir, that we are not mutually unfriended
0:32:53 > 0:32:55"by this difference which hath happened betwixt us."
0:32:55 > 0:32:58Yes, and then I believe his friend wrote back
0:32:58 > 0:33:01- that he "liked" that message. - Yes, exactly.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04Anyway, where do Arabic numbers come from?
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Ooh.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08I...don't know.
0:33:08 > 0:33:13Interesting fact, though, the oasis is about 110 miles that way.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15No, that's the chart position. In...
0:33:15 > 0:33:18LAUGHTER
0:33:20 > 0:33:23..in the Yemen.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26- They're not as big there, are they? - Nah, they don't like it.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29- What do we mean by Arabic numbers? - We mean the ones we use, don't we?
0:33:29 > 0:33:34I presume you mean how people who speak or write Arabic write numbers.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36- No, we call our numbers Arabic numbers.- Do we?
0:33:36 > 0:33:38I thought our numbers... OK.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42Roman alphabet and Arabic numerals.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44And Gregorian...chanting.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48And French...pastries.
0:33:48 > 0:33:52- Come on, you must know this. - Danish pastries, German mustard...
0:33:52 > 0:33:53Is it Persia?
0:33:53 > 0:33:56- No, it's not Persia.- It's not going to be in Arabia, is it?
0:33:56 > 0:34:00- It's not Arabia.- It's just outside Arabia. Arabia Parkway.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05It's actually Hindu. In Arabic, they call them Hindu numbers.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07In fact, in Arabic numbers, we have very little in common.
0:34:07 > 0:34:11You can see a car number plate here and you'll see that on the left
0:34:11 > 0:34:13is 29-5994
0:34:13 > 0:34:19and on the right, that is the Arabic for 29-5994.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22And as you see, it's only the 9 that is actually the same.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25- So they're not Arabic numbers at all.- No, we tend to call them that.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27We should start... Let's call them Hindu numbers.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30We should call them Hindu numbers, exactly right.
0:34:30 > 0:34:31Or we could call them "numbers".
0:34:32 > 0:34:34Yeah, but what's the fun in that?
0:34:34 > 0:34:38Yeah, quite. I want you to tell me, because it's quite interesting,
0:34:38 > 0:34:40and that's the name of the game,
0:34:40 > 0:34:42which is the only number in the English language
0:34:42 > 0:34:44which, when written out, is in alphabetical order?
0:34:44 > 0:34:48Erm...eight.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51- No.- OK, well, seven.- 43.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54Eight is good, but I comes after G.
0:34:54 > 0:34:55OK, I'm going to have to guess,
0:34:55 > 0:34:58- because there's not enough time and I'm dyslexic.- One. Two.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01- Two.- No.- Three.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03O comes before T.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05So they have to be in alphabetical order.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08- Oh, I see. Ohh.- Forty.
0:35:08 > 0:35:09Yes! Well done.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13APPLAUSE
0:35:13 > 0:35:14Very good.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17Were you going through all the numbers?
0:35:17 > 0:35:21I bet I was going through all the numbers at the same time you were.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23- 40 is the one.- Alan was on three when you got there.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27You three were all talking and we're sitting going,
0:35:27 > 0:35:30MUTTERING: "No, not that one, no..."
0:35:30 > 0:35:33All right. What's the most difficult word to guess in hangman?
0:35:35 > 0:35:38Whatever you've got written there, I can tell you it's "cull".
0:35:38 > 0:35:41- Cull?- It doesn't matter what you've got written. C-U-L-L.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44In the number of letters you get in hangman, nobody ever says C or L.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47They'll go for U when they've gone through the other vowels.
0:35:47 > 0:35:51Then they've got blank U blank blank, and one turn left.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55- That's really good. - If you're going to play hangman and you want to have a bet on it...
0:35:55 > 0:35:58- OK. Have you played hangman for money?- Yes.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00Who plays hangman for money?!
0:36:00 > 0:36:03Victoria Coren, she bets on anything.
0:36:03 > 0:36:07I was about to say, "I've done everything for money," but I know what you'd do with that.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09I really appreciate it!
0:36:09 > 0:36:14So, "cull". I think it might be something without any vowels.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17No! Because they go through the vowels and if it's not there,
0:36:17 > 0:36:23- "Oh, no vowels. Must be 'rhythm'. " - Yes, but this is a four-letter word.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26So it might be "lynx" or "onyx" in that case.
0:36:26 > 0:36:30There is someone who's been very scientific about this, which you'd appreciate as a games player.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33This person designed an algorithm to arrive at this conclusion,
0:36:33 > 0:36:40and he basically simulated 50 hangman games for every word in the dictionary.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43That's 90,000 words. Nearly five million games.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46He then took the thousand trickiest words,
0:36:46 > 0:36:48and ran the game 3,000 times on each.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51In total, he played nearly 15 million games
0:36:51 > 0:36:53to reach the conclusion
0:36:53 > 0:36:57that, actually, the hardest is the word "jazz".
0:36:57 > 0:37:00- What?- People just don't get the word "jazz".- Really?
0:37:00 > 0:37:05- Or possibly "jizz", but no-one knows if he tried "jizz". - They never guess Z.
0:37:05 > 0:37:09The other words were "hajj", H-A-J-J, which is a difficult one,
0:37:09 > 0:37:11"jazz", "lynx", apparently.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13"Buzz" was also difficult, and "fuzz"
0:37:13 > 0:37:17because people just choose Z as the last resort.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19Fine. Next time we're out in a bar,
0:37:19 > 0:37:22you play "jazz", I'll play "cull", we'll see who wins.
0:37:22 > 0:37:26You've got it. OK. But you've rather given away your strategy.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28- LAUGHTER - Anyway,
0:37:28 > 0:37:31why was the March Hare so important to the Aztecs?
0:37:31 > 0:37:35No! APPLAUSE
0:37:37 > 0:37:39You see?
0:37:40 > 0:37:41The thing is, Victoria,
0:37:41 > 0:37:44whatever you dreamt was the answer IS the right answer.
0:37:44 > 0:37:49Yeah, but I know the answer isn't, "Did they worship it?" because...
0:37:49 > 0:37:51BELL RINGS
0:37:56 > 0:37:59I think you'll find I said that's NOT the answer.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01What the answer actually is, I don't know.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05Why is a raven like a writing desk? It's that sort of question.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07- It is.- Maybe for years people will now debate this.
0:38:07 > 0:38:1050 years from now, people will be asking,
0:38:10 > 0:38:12"Why was the March Hare important to the Aztecs?"
0:38:12 > 0:38:17There is a kind of answer that maybe your subconscious somehow knew.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19They worshipped rabbits, not hares.
0:38:20 > 0:38:25So some part of your brain knew that Aztecs worshipped rabbits.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27- They honestly...? Aztecs worshipped rabbits?- It's true.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30I swear to you I didn't know that.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33I swear, and I think they're going to believe me.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35I'll go even further than this.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37There are many people who believe
0:38:37 > 0:38:40that the rabbits that the Aztecs worshipped were jackrabbits,
0:38:40 > 0:38:44which are, in fact, technically a type of hare.
0:38:44 > 0:38:48- And a J word, which makes it even better.- And a J word.- This is spooky!
0:38:48 > 0:38:50So, Victoria Coren...
0:38:50 > 0:38:51Burn the witch!
0:38:51 > 0:38:54APPLAUSE
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Witch!
0:38:58 > 0:39:01- Absolutely spooky. - You didn't see that one coming,
0:39:01 > 0:39:03and yet you did.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05I dreamt a thing that I didn't think I knew
0:39:05 > 0:39:08- that you say is nearly a fact beginning with J?- Yeah.
0:39:08 > 0:39:13- This world is far more mysterious than we give it credit for. - Isn't it just?
0:39:13 > 0:39:16Anyway, now we come to our exciting jolly jape.
0:39:16 > 0:39:21I have a jigger device. Alan, you're going to have to help me with this.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24This is a device for fishing
0:39:24 > 0:39:27in the Inuit world of the Arctic,
0:39:27 > 0:39:30where, as you know, you think of ice fishing -
0:39:30 > 0:39:33they pop a hole in the ice and they sit forlornly
0:39:33 > 0:39:36with a little fishing rod, hoping for a fish. But a better way
0:39:36 > 0:39:39would be to have a net, but how can you put a net through thick ice?
0:39:39 > 0:39:42They've developed an extraordinary machine.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45Now, you have to use your imagination here.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47I've got this carpet, which I'm going to unroll.
0:39:47 > 0:39:52And here I have my device. Now, Alan,
0:39:52 > 0:39:54you're the one who's going to have to operate it.
0:39:54 > 0:39:58There, you've got the string. Now,
0:39:58 > 0:39:59this is actually used by the Inuits
0:39:59 > 0:40:03to connect two holes, distantly from each other,
0:40:03 > 0:40:06in such a way that they can thread between them
0:40:06 > 0:40:10and therefore lay a net down and catch lots of fish under ice.
0:40:10 > 0:40:12That's it! Yeah.
0:40:12 > 0:40:16You're pushing with the string, but imagine this is upside-down.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19- This is the bottom of the ice. - Oh, yeah.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21So we're upside-down here.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23- Oh, wow! Now I feel weird.- Oh, whoa!
0:40:23 > 0:40:25- I can't breathe!- Yeah.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28Be bolder, be bolder.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31I'm not getting any purchase on the rug.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34That is what all the girls say.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36BILL: Ah, I see.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39- It's a really... - Now I'm getting a bit of grip.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41- Oh, yes.- Look at that!
0:40:41 > 0:40:46- Look at me go now!- You might want to watch it really as it works.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48There's the real thing.
0:40:48 > 0:40:50There's an Inuit.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56The point is, it goes under the water.
0:40:56 > 0:41:00- He licks there, so he can see it through the ice.- Eugh!
0:41:00 > 0:41:04And he digs it and it is underneath.
0:41:04 > 0:41:08By pulling it... There we go.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10Ooh, aah, eeh, aah!
0:41:10 > 0:41:12- BILL: Yes?- You see?
0:41:12 > 0:41:14- Now, have a look this way. - There we go.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17This is it under the ice.
0:41:17 > 0:41:20- How does it not sink?- Exactly. How does it not just plummet?
0:41:20 > 0:41:22It's wood so it floats.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25- Oh, I see.- How does his tongue not stick to the ice?
0:41:25 > 0:41:28- LAUGHTER - Like in Dumb And Dumber -
0:41:28 > 0:41:31- how is he not just going... - MUMBLED:- "This was a terrible idea"?
0:41:31 > 0:41:34When it gets to the other end, he pulls up the rope,
0:41:34 > 0:41:37from which he can then hang the net which catches the fish.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40- Brilliant.- When you think about it, there's no other way you could do that.
0:41:40 > 0:41:44You couldn't just put a hole in the ice. How do you get the string to the other hole?
0:41:44 > 0:41:46BILL: Devilishly clever, though.
0:41:46 > 0:41:50When did they invent this? Is this a recent thing?
0:41:50 > 0:41:52- About 100 years ago.- Wow!
0:41:52 > 0:41:57Anyway, that, ladies and gentlemen, is the Inuit fish jigger.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00APPLAUSE
0:42:00 > 0:42:03I'm going to pop it away.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07Which brings us to the scores!
0:42:07 > 0:42:10I don't know whether to do this backwards or forwards.
0:42:10 > 0:42:14I'll go backwards, actually, with our last place. It's noble
0:42:14 > 0:42:16but it's -22. Jimmy Carr!
0:42:16 > 0:42:19APPLAUSE
0:42:19 > 0:42:23I took a few for the team! I took a couple for the team.
0:42:23 > 0:42:26But I'm always happy to see,
0:42:26 > 0:42:30in somewhere as high as third place, Alan Davies with -6!
0:42:30 > 0:42:32Thank you very much.
0:42:32 > 0:42:34APPLAUSE
0:42:36 > 0:42:39And this is astonishing. With +10, Bill Bailey.
0:42:41 > 0:42:42I never get +10.
0:42:42 > 0:42:45- Really? Really?- No.
0:42:45 > 0:42:47APPLAUSE
0:42:47 > 0:42:51And the mad woman who dreams of Aztecs and hares,
0:42:51 > 0:42:53Victoria Coren on +13!
0:42:53 > 0:42:55APPLAUSE
0:43:01 > 0:43:05Well, that's all from Victoria, Jimmy, Bill, Alan and me.
0:43:05 > 0:43:09Be gloriously good to each other, thank you and goodnight.
0:43:28 > 0:43:30Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd