0:00:28 > 0:00:32APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:38Goooooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:38 > 0:00:42and to a greater or lesser extent, good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46where tonight, my companions and I are plunging into the jungle.
0:00:46 > 0:00:51And helping me swing my machete are, the King of the Jungle, Greg Proops.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:01:00The King of the Swingers, Reginald D Hunter.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:06A jungle VIP, David O'Doherty.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09APPLAUSE
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And a bit of an animal, Alan Davies.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16APPLAUSE
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Well, before we begin, we ought to hear your beastly buzzers. Reginald goes...
0:01:23 > 0:01:26LION ROARS
0:01:26 > 0:01:27David goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:29BIRD SCREECHES
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Greg goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:34ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
0:01:34 > 0:01:35And Alan goes...
0:01:35 > 0:01:38CRICKET CHIRPS
0:01:38 > 0:01:41All creatures in the jungle are of equal value.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45So, first question. Where will the lion sleep tonight?
0:01:48 > 0:01:52Ah, no. Is this going to be a trick where they don't sleep in the night?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Where they don't sleep in the jungle?
0:01:55 > 0:01:56You're right.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Man, I am nailing this game!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Because of course there is a famous song.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03In the jungle the lion sleeps tonight.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Wimoweh, wimoweh.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05By Tight Fit.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- Well, by all kinds of people, actually.- But mainly Tight Fit.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13But what you managed to avoid was falling into the trap
0:02:13 > 0:02:16that lions sleep in the jungle, because where do lions live?
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Office buildings.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I was going to say Luton. I don't know why.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Don't they live in like the veldt or something like that?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30The savannah. It's dry, it's certainly not jungle.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31You wouldn't get a lion there.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35And also, quite rightly, one of you said, they don't sleep at night.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Actually they do sleep a bit at night,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40but most of their waking hours are at night.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42They sleep a hell of a lot, because they're cats.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44And what do cats do?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Sleep in the jungle, er, forest?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50They do a lot of sleeping.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52That's what I was going to say.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56Yeah. They basically let big animals spend 23 hours a day
0:02:56 > 0:02:59eating grass and then they kill them and eat them all
0:02:59 > 0:03:02and get all that nutrient that lasts them for a week.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03So instead of eating vegetables,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05you eat something that does eat vegetables.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Exactly right. That's true.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I feel better about my diet now.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Yeah, I'm glad about that.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17But the song The Lion Sleeps Tonight was the most popular song
0:03:17 > 0:03:19ever to come out of Africa.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22It was written by a man called Solomon Linda.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25He and the Evening Birds, as the band were called,
0:03:25 > 0:03:29recorded a song called Mbube, which is the Zulu word for lion.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34And they chanted, "Mbube, uyi Mbube" - lion, you're a lion.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39And he was paid the princely sum of £1.
0:03:39 > 0:03:44No more than that. In 1949, Pete Seeger gave it to the Weavers.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46They made a huge hit out of it.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48And then it just carried on being a hit,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50and all kinds of people, like Tight Fit.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Tight Fit!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54But, more importantly, perhaps...
0:03:54 > 0:03:58It's better than Loose Fit for a band, I suppose.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Disney, in 1994, incorporated it into...?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03The Lion King.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Into The Lion King. Now, it's estimated that if Solomon Linda...
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- I'll get points for that.- Will you?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - For knowing Lion King?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13If Solomon Linda had been paid standard composer royalties,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16he would have earned, just from the Broadway version...
0:04:16 > 0:04:17£2.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Just from the Broadway version alone... £3.
0:04:21 > 0:04:235 million.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- Oh!- Just in five years. That's just five years of it.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I've got a question now. The pound that he earned, who paid him that?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Was it somebody British?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35No, someone South African, I fear.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38So what were them people doing with y'all money?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42It's a good and fair question.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45It's not the first time that musicians, artists, composers
0:04:45 > 0:04:48have been exploited, but it is a pretty extreme example of it.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51So just from the song being used in the Lion King, the musical
0:04:51 > 0:04:54on Broadway, he'd have made 5 million?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Yes. That shows you how much Elton John makes.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58That's what I was going to say.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00No wonder Tim Rice is always grinning!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Yeah, exactly. There's a lot of money in musicals.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06It is staggering, isn't it?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09But, fortunately, there was some good that came out it,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11because a South African journalist called Rian Malan
0:05:11 > 0:05:14brought the case to international notice
0:05:14 > 0:05:19and Solomon Linda's family sued and came to a settlement.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22So the heirs of Solomon Linda have at least benefited from it.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Which is a good story.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25That's good, that's good.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Isn't it?
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Nice to see that, you know, natives weren't exploited again, you know.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34That's a good story there, if I was, yeah, I would tell that story to...
0:05:34 > 0:05:36And yet we opened by saying
0:05:36 > 0:05:38that the whole thing was predicated on a black lie.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- In the jungle, the mighty jungle. - Lions do not sleep in the jungle.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42The Lion Sleeps Tonight.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45It doesn't sleep at night, doesn't sleep in the jungle.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47He's lucky to get a £1 for it, if you ask me.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Anyway, so that's it.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Now, what would be the best way for Tarzan to get around the jungle?
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Well...
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Without a family, I would guess.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Without being tied down.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Is that Johnny Weissmuller?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06That's Johnny Weissmuller, who made his name as a...
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- German Olympic swimmer. - Olympic swimmer, that's right.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- Is that Maureen O'Sullivan? - That's Maureen O'Sullivan.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Was the boy just called Boy?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Boy, yes.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Yes, he was, the boy was called Boy and the chimpanzee was called?
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Cheetah.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Cheetah, yes.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- He gets around by swimming and swinging on... What does he swing on, Greg?- Vines.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27SIREN BLARES
0:06:27 > 0:06:28You trapped him!
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Oh, Alan! You wicked, wicked, that was diabolical!
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I feel really good tonight,
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I feel like I've finally nailed this game.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48I didn't know you were going to use your Jedi powers on me, Davies.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I came in here with every good intention
0:06:50 > 0:06:53and the next thing I know, I'm providing answers to you.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58Tarzan, in the movies, does appear to swing on vines,
0:06:58 > 0:06:59or lianas, as they're called.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01But it's impossible to do so,
0:07:01 > 0:07:03because they grow from roots in the ground.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06So, if you tried to swing, you'd just fall straight down.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10You might get some that are twisted into the branches,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13but no animal or ape conveys themselves by swinging on woods.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15But what about when you see,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17you know, gibbons and whatnot, flinging through the jungle?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Ah, now that's a very different kind of action, which is brachiation.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Using their arms to move along.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25And gibbons do that and are excellent at it,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29and as you can see, There you are, yeah. That...
0:07:29 > 0:07:31CRICKETS CHIRP
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Orang-utan.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Four.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38You're in a competitive mood tonight.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I'd like to say that Alan is Tarzan's chimp,
0:07:43 > 0:07:45because "cheaters" never prosper.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Hey, very good!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53But Edgar Rice Burroughs, who created Tarzan, of course, he said,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55"He leaps through the trees unaided."
0:07:55 > 0:07:58"He could drop 20 feet at a stretch from limb to limb
0:07:58 > 0:07:59"in rapid descent to the ground,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02"or he could gain the utmost pinnacle
0:08:02 > 0:08:05"of the loftiest tropical giant with ease and the swiftness of a squirrel."
0:08:05 > 0:08:10And also, why would it be a vine in the middle of the jungle?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Because a vine is?
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Grapes grow on vines.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Exactly.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18But, you know, as in the manner of grapevines,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20now, as legend has it, Tarzan, the reason he used a vine
0:08:20 > 0:08:22was not because of its strength
0:08:22 > 0:08:25or, you know, the fact that it came up out of the ground,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28it was more so because early on,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30when he heard about his girlfriend cheating on him,
0:08:30 > 0:08:34it came, he heard it via one of those vines.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37A lot of people don't know that.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I would say fewer than a handful really.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Was it his friend Marvin who told him that, by any chance?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47You know the story too!
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I know the story as well, there you go.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52That's why they let you host the show, you smart!
0:08:52 > 0:08:56And why is, if you've got a vine,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59why is wine based on the Latin for vine, when we have a vine,
0:08:59 > 0:09:03wine and vine, shouldn't they be, why isn't wine called vine?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06When I was taught Latin, we were taught to pronounce the V as a W.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08So it would be "weni, widi, wici,"
0:09:08 > 0:09:13I came, I saw, I conquered, is what Caesar said, or "Caesar" said, yeah.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Is Kaiser in German from Caesar, then?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Caesar, yes it is. As is Tsar.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20See, you learn something every day.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21I'm not talking to you any more.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25The more you say vine, the less I'm going to say vine.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28But the Germans say Wein and spell it with a W.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- Ah.- So why is it called a Caesar salad, then?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34It was invented by someone called Caesar.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36I've had a bottle of Caesar salad where it's on the label
0:09:36 > 0:09:38and the man who invented it is on the label.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- Points to Alan Davies.- Yes.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- It was, in fact, a cook called Caesar Cardini.- Yeah.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Well done, Alan.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- Well.- Damn, you're doing well. Yeah.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50APPLAUSE
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Wow, it's interesting that the two people who be on this show
0:09:53 > 0:09:56every week are doing the best. All right, there.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Yeah, you've got time to catch up, Reginald, don't you worry.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01I just hope for a chance, I want a chance.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05There are questions coming your way that will thrill you.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- All right, then.- So, what do you think these monkeys are called?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09They are two different species.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- Is one a Bonobo?- No.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Bonobos look more like chimpanzees.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- Aren't they the horniest animals on Earth as well?- Yes.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Anything you put in front of Bonobo, it will shag.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23LAUGHTER
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Honestly, they are the most sexually, absolutely...
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Even Russell Grant?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Bonobos really, actually lions too.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- When lionesses are at it they'll shag up to 50 times a day.- Really?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41It's a ten second business with the lion, but also the lions
0:10:41 > 0:10:44shag each other. About 8% of all lion sex is gay. So...
0:10:44 > 0:10:48- 8% of lion sex is gay?!- Yeah.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Yeah, OK.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Did you get that like, out of a book of lion facts,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56or did you get that from a gay man?
0:10:56 > 0:10:57LAUGHTER
0:10:57 > 0:11:02I know there are a lot of people who would have us believe that only mankind is gay.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06In fact, the latest count, there are about, I believe,
0:11:06 > 0:11:11642 species of animal that exhibit homosexual activity.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16But there's only one species that exhibits homophobia.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17That's mankind.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19So who's natural? Huh?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I was hoping you were going to elephants then, I really did.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Come to Mardi Gras, it'll be great.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29How did they come up with the figure 8%? That's a lot of research.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34- It is.- I saw the Lion King and I didn't see any stuff going on.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37But I did feel the love.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41That night. The circle of life has a whole new meaning.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43It certainly does!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48The red-faced one needed some factor 50 before...
0:11:48 > 0:11:52I can tell you they come from completely different parts of the world.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55What's the most noticeable thing about the one on the left?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- Its nose!- Its nose. Its huge nose.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Can you think of another word for nose, a rather technical word?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- Olfactory?- Proboscis monkey? - Is the right answer.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07That's a proboscis monkey.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16The males have the longest noses, often going below their chin,
0:12:16 > 0:12:20they're so long, and the females find that very attractive.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25There we are. It's an unusual look, I grant you.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27It's a flaccid penis, that's what that is.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32A human could not get its hair like that without a hairbrush or a comb.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- A lot of product.- That's remarkable. - It is very impressive.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- It's a very 1950s kind of a vibe.- It is. It's quite rockabilly, isn't it?
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Yeah.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Well, they're charming animals, and they live mostly in Indonesia
0:12:44 > 0:12:47and South East Asia, but what about the red-faced one?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- Where might that come from? - That one's called a cabeza rojo.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57In Spanish, which not a lot of people know here.
0:12:57 > 0:13:02- Why did it have a Spanish name? - Because it's from South America.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Is the right answer! But in fact, the first one, the proboscis monkey...
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I'm coming up on a point, Alan.
0:13:07 > 0:13:14The first one is called orang belanda. Now "orang" means "man".
0:13:14 > 0:13:16An orang utan is "man of the jungle".
0:13:16 > 0:13:19But this means, basically,
0:13:19 > 0:13:24the big-nosed one is their word for Dutchmen, who were their colonists,
0:13:24 > 0:13:29and they thought those monkeys looked like their colonial masters.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32And so they called them Dutchmen, basically.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- And this one is even sadder. - It's so rude.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38I know. This one is the uakari monkey, which is South American,
0:13:38 > 0:13:44comes from the Peruvian Amazon and is very red-faced and is known by the locals,
0:13:44 > 0:13:45unfortunately, as English monkeys,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47because they look like tourists from England!
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Slightly bald and red-faced.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54If you give them a towel,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57will they fight Germans for space near the pool?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01- Are you people all that hairy when you take your shirts off? - Oh, definitely.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06It's a sweet, charming, very human face.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Yeah, but in a perpetual state of embarrassment.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I thought at first it was its bum,
0:14:13 > 0:14:17and yet it weirdly had a bum that looked a bit like a face.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Anyway, that's the uakari monkey,
0:14:22 > 0:14:23a rather beautiful creature in its own way.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Unfortunately, when they get to zoos, they're very lethargic
0:14:26 > 0:14:30and unhappy, but they're very active and sociable in the wild.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- I get quite lethargic in zoos. - I know.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37A robin red-breast in a cage puts all heaven in a rage,
0:14:37 > 0:14:38as William Blake said.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Also, the ice cream is very expensive in zoos, so that's another depressing aspect.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46There's that too.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Anyway, why don't ginger ants use soap?
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Cos they like to feel it when they get together.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Well, getting together is what it's all about.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Ginger ants, also known as fire ants, live in the jungle.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05And in jungles you can get huge downpours that will suddenly cause
0:15:05 > 0:15:07gigantic rivers to appear where none were before.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10And what's to stop the ants drowning?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13What's their strategy to keep themselves afloat?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Find a bar of soap?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18No, the soap is the bad thing.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20That, they don't want that?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22They don't want the soap. Let's say no to soap.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24No soap. All right, then.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25I assume they'd climb a tree.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29If they could, they would, and we're going to see them climb a tree,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32but first they have to cross the water, if they're suddenly deluged.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Do they sail on little rafts?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35They make a raft of themselves.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37No!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40They cling together all their little bits, like this,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42and they make a raft like that, even carrying their eggs
0:15:42 > 0:15:43and their precious cargo.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46That's the fish underneath having a nibble at them,
0:15:46 > 0:15:47but they are, and there
0:15:47 > 0:15:48they're getting towards a tree.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49They try and climb that tree,
0:15:49 > 0:15:51because then they'll be safe.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53But it's a really smart strategy.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58There they go, he's got,... the first one's up
0:15:58 > 0:16:00and then all the other ones are following.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Isn't that amazing?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- It is amazing.- And they all survive.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Even the ones on the bottom?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Yeah. What happens is that none of the ants become submerged
0:16:09 > 0:16:14because of the plastron layer of air between their bodies and the water,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17and that's from "piastroni", Italian for "breastplate",
0:16:17 > 0:16:18which is rather pleasing.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21A turtle's underbelly is also called the plastron
0:16:21 > 0:16:25and so is a man's stiff, formal shirt-front.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28So you can actually have...
0:16:28 > 0:16:30LAUGHTER
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Yeah, that was a relief, wasn't it?
0:16:32 > 0:16:36You can actually have half a million fire ants connecting together
0:16:36 > 0:16:40in this way and they can assemble themselves in less than 100 seconds.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42And they can float for days, even weeks,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45and migrate immense distances.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Isn't that interesting?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49That's how I came over from Dublin this morning.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54But if you put a tiny drop of soap anywhere near it,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56the detergent would break the surface tension
0:16:56 > 0:16:57and they would drown.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59But I've got an interesting experiment,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02and I do love, as you know, to do an interesting experiment.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03He does love an experiment.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Now, these will represent red ants.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08And this is just, I just find this magical.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11And it's something you can do at home, ladies and gentlemen,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13this is what's fun about it. And...
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Will we form an island
0:17:15 > 0:17:17and swim across the jar of water?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19No. This is red coloured sand
0:17:19 > 0:17:20and this is floating on top.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24You'll notice wherever I drop it, it tends to start clinging together.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27So you've got, here's your little raft of red ants,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29there they are, in the water.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31And I can put my finger in it, like that,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34and my finger will come out completely dry.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Absolutely dry.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- That's bizarre.- Holy cow!
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Yeah, there you are, there you are.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42And I've got no sand on my finger at all. And it just, but...
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Are you a devil?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Watch this. This will excite you.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48I'm going to pour all this in here.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- Blue ants are attacking red ants! - Goodness!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Yeah, all these blue ants here, it's just horrible.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54And look at that, it's all clustered down below.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56But this is the magic part.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I get my spoon and I get, all this sand that's underwater now,
0:17:59 > 0:18:03and I just pick up a little bit of it, like so.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04And it's completely dry.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05- No way!- It's utterly dry.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Witchcraft!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- Sorcery!- Burn him!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11It's completely dry. It is, look.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Witch!
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Sand, absolutely dry,
0:18:13 > 0:18:15even though there are drops of water next to it.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- Isn't that magical?- That really is. - That's just sand and water?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Well, I can tell you.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23It's the special nature of the sand. It's been, as it were, coated.
0:18:23 > 0:18:29And, without wishing to give away the name of a brand of spray
0:18:29 > 0:18:34that you are encouraged when you buy suede shoes to use
0:18:34 > 0:18:36to protect your suede shoes,
0:18:36 > 0:18:40that might be called something that rhymed with Gotch Scard...
0:18:42 > 0:18:46If you wanted to try this experiment at home,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49you would get a can of that Gotch Scard
0:18:49 > 0:18:52and spray the sand with it and you will
0:18:52 > 0:18:56be able to amaze your friends, if, but only if, you're as sad as I am.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59But there you are. Hooray!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01APPLAUSE
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- The fun you can have with things. - Yes.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11It's nice, it's good.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12It is. Very fun.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Exactly.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Well, anyway, what goes at 40mph and smells of curry?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Ah, no.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20- BIRD SCREECH - Yea?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Usain Balti.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25APPLAUSE
0:19:27 > 0:19:29That's very good!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36I have to say that's impressive.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I have to give you points for that, it's just too good.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I will give you this clue.
0:19:45 > 0:19:50An astonishing number of animals in the wild smell of other things.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52And there is an animal that smells of curry.
0:19:52 > 0:19:57And there's no reason for it to, because it doesn't live in India, it doesn't eat chillies.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58But 40mph is pretty quick.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01That's the thing. It's the fastest of its species.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05And it's a signature species for a whole nation, a whole continent.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06The ostrich goes about 40mph.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08It does, but this is not a bird.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09- Kangaroo.- Yes.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11It's the western grey kangaroo.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15The fastest of all the kangaroos, and amazingly...
0:20:15 > 0:20:16It smells of curry?
0:20:16 > 0:20:20- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- "Ah, Jesus, smells of a curry. Smell that, mate."
0:20:21 > 0:20:24That's just an Australian who's had a curry the night before,
0:20:24 > 0:20:26done a particularly stinky fart,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29and then tried to blame it on a passing kangaroo.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35"Oh, did you see that kangaroo go by there?
0:20:35 > 0:20:40"Jeez, what a stink! It's like a curry!"
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Anyway, that's one animal that smells unusual.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44You're not going to get this next one
0:20:44 > 0:20:47because it's such an unusual animal, but it's rather pleasing to think
0:20:47 > 0:20:52the binturong smells like a freshly made batch of popcorn.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54It's also called a bearcat,
0:20:54 > 0:20:58but it's actually more like a civet than either a bear or a cat,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01but apparently it smells of freshly baked popcorn.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Isn't that a lovely thing for an animal to smell of?
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Is it slightly overpriced?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10And is the medium one almost exactly the same as a large one?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Does it smell like salted or sugar popcorn?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- Ah, now, there's a good question. - Yeah!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Their birth is apparently fascinating,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20because originally they're just in a tiny egg,
0:21:20 > 0:21:24and then on a very hot day, suddenly just pop into the air.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I'm going to show you another animal
0:21:27 > 0:21:31and it's a common blue butterfly that has been described by
0:21:31 > 0:21:34the famous naturalist Geoffrey Grigson as having a particular smell.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Finger of fudge.- Yes!
0:21:37 > 0:21:38What?!
0:21:40 > 0:21:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Unbelievable!
0:21:46 > 0:21:51Unglaublich. I mean, I've got to accept that, because the answer is chocolate.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- Wow.- That is amazing.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57How does he do it?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Yeah, you two have developed some bizarre understanding where...
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Yeah, how does a man be on this show every week come up with all the answers? I don't know.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13He's having a spurt, like an adolescent having a growth spurt.
0:22:13 > 0:22:18A brain spurt. It's very impressive. Sorry.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20My father.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Taking of Alan having a spurt is not what I'm meant to be doing.
0:22:24 > 0:22:29- So chocolate is ground-up butterflies?- Well, no...
0:22:30 > 0:22:33It just so happens that that species,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36according to Geoffrey Grigson, smells of chocolate.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Well, there you are. I am staggered by Alan's knowledge.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44Now, as long as we're in the jungle, let's have a dubious jungle theory.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47'A dubious theory from Stephen Fry.'
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Ah, dear.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54At least 10% of the Amazonian rainforest was deliberately
0:22:54 > 0:22:58created by human activity over a period of 1,500 years
0:22:58 > 0:23:00more than 1,000 years ago.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04It's an enormous orchard twice the area of Great Britain.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Dubious or not?
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Look at the evidence on jungleschmungle.co.uk
0:23:09 > 0:23:10and decide for yourself.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13'A dubious theory from Stephen Fry.'
0:23:15 > 0:23:17This is a genuine theory.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Can you understand the idea that the Amazon, which we think
0:23:19 > 0:23:23of as the wildest place on Earth might actually have been, a lot of it...
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Is there a large part of it, then,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28that bears fruit that we would consume?
0:23:28 > 0:23:33Not only that, there is real evidence that a large part,
0:23:33 > 0:23:37certainly not the majority, but a large part of it is composed
0:23:37 > 0:23:41of soil that is of human origin, called terra preta,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44which is "black earth" in Portuguese.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46It contains charcoal, bone, manure and pottery
0:23:46 > 0:23:50and can only be humanly produced as a soil for growing.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54It was created deliberately over 1,500 years,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57rich in nutrients that last thousands of years.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00BBC Four made a programme about it called Unnatural Histories,
0:24:00 > 0:24:04arguing that an advanced civilisation of five to six million people
0:24:04 > 0:24:09flourished along the Amazon in the 1540s and then diseases
0:24:09 > 0:24:14brought by the Spanish such as smallpox and flu wiped out up to 95%
0:24:14 > 0:24:17of the population, and by the 18th century, the rainforest was empty.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21They left no buildings and only the soil behind.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Extraordinary thought, isn't it?
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- And they left Amazon.co.uk.- They did give us that, thank goodness.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28They say in North America as well,
0:24:28 > 0:24:32they always low-ball the amount of Indians who were there,
0:24:32 > 0:24:37but after the Spanish came the first time, because they travelled
0:24:37 > 0:24:39with their pigs, they had every manner of pig-borne disease,
0:24:39 > 0:24:43and when they came back 100 years later, everyone was dead.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45There was a quarter of the population that they had then.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48I don't think it's strange that that would have happened.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50And because they didn't leave buildings,
0:24:50 > 0:24:53we don't give them any credit, except that they left
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- an enormous forest which makes the planet breathe.- I know.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58And, indeed, developed a type of soil that is still amongst
0:24:58 > 0:25:02the most fertile and useful soil there is on earth.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06It is remarkable. Not amusing, but true.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Rather like my bottom.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15I don't know how that happened.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18So you saying true like, your bottom will always be there,
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- like it's true, your bottom is true. - It is a bottom of truth.
0:25:22 > 0:25:28All right. That's a bold statement to make about yourself on national TV. Very impressive.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31It's the measure of bottoms, it's the first bottom
0:25:31 > 0:25:33and other bottoms are compared always to that one.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- That's right.- That's why it's known as the true bottom.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Or the arse of verity.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- Very fertile.- Whoa!
0:25:43 > 0:25:47- OK. Let's just move away. - You started it!
0:25:48 > 0:25:52I did. I just painted myself into a corner. I don't know how I managed that.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57All right. Moving on. Describe the world's most hideous lunch.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00There's a pretty rotten fruit you can get in Indonesia that stinks.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- Well, the durian fruit you're thinking of?- Yes.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- Yes. It's actually delicious, but.. - It smells like rotting flesh.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Yeah. This is actually an animal thing.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12It's just one of those cruel tricks of nature, you know,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15that certain species find ways of eating other species
0:26:15 > 0:26:17that are cunning and cruel.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20It's not going to be a burrowing parasite thing?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Well, it's sort of...
0:26:22 > 0:26:23In your Jap's eye.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Oh!
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Or in your eye, even.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Think of a little, innocent frog.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31A frog sees a larva, a little bug of some kind,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34it will dart its tongue out.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36There you go, there's the big frog and there's the little larva,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38and the frog's going to win.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41The frog's going to poke its tongue out and it's going to eat.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42- It's not that small a larva. - I agree.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I mean, I still think that's quite an ambitious meal
0:26:45 > 0:26:46for that frog to take on.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48I agree. One of two things happens.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50One is the larva will simply attack the frog
0:26:50 > 0:26:53and latch itself with its quite strong horns,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55which you might just be able to discern in the picture...
0:26:55 > 0:26:56What I would do.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- ..onto the back.- I would do that.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00And then just eat it from the inside out.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Yeah, that's exactly what I would do.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Until there's nothing left but a pile of bones.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05It would simply eat the whole thing.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Really? One larva?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Yeah. But if it so happens the frog is really quick
0:27:10 > 0:27:13and gets the larva into its stomach, it will then an hour later
0:27:13 > 0:27:19regurgitate it, and the larvae will still be alive and will then eat.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Holy cow!
0:27:20 > 0:27:23So it will be eaten and then eat the thing that ate it,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26which is pretty unusual in the world of nature.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29So you can have your frog and eat it?
0:27:29 > 0:27:33You can, exactly. It's a pretty unpleasant process.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36It makes you wonder about all things bright and beautiful.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39But we have no footage. Do we have footage?
0:27:39 > 0:27:40We have footage, I'm afraid.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Oh, no! Don't eat that larva!
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Two hours later.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- Oh!- "I don't feel so good!"
0:27:48 > 0:27:52Oh, having a vomit and out, it's pulling out of its own mouth
0:27:52 > 0:27:55the thing that is then going to eat it.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59It's just so, and there, oh, it's just being eaten,
0:27:59 > 0:28:00it's eating its chin.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02It's basically just...
0:28:02 > 0:28:04- He was a prince as well!- I know.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08It's really not a nice relationship.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10And there they are. Poor frog.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Wait a minute, I didn't see the end, who won?
0:28:14 > 0:28:15It looked pretty intense,
0:28:15 > 0:28:18but it looked like it could go either way, really, you know what I mean.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21We were too tasteful to show you the outcome, it was horrible.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24- Too tasteful? That's what's up. - They shake hands and then they say,
0:28:24 > 0:28:26"We've both learned a valuable lesson here."
0:28:26 > 0:28:29It's called the Epomis beetle larva.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34About 10% of predator/prey relationships are where
0:28:34 > 0:28:36a smaller animal can eat a bigger one,
0:28:36 > 0:28:38but those are all active attacks.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40This is the luring technique.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43It actually waves and says, "Eat me! Eat me!"
0:28:43 > 0:28:45It actually draws attention to itself
0:28:45 > 0:28:47so that the frog approaches it and eats it.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51Did you know that 8% of predator/prey relationships are homosexual?
0:28:53 > 0:28:55A lot of people don't know that.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58But while on the subject of frogs, what's this little frog doing?
0:28:58 > 0:29:00What's this chap up to?
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Wow! It's practising first position?
0:29:05 > 0:29:08No. What's going on in the background?
0:29:08 > 0:29:11He's trying to build up his nerve into jumping in that gushing stream.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13And he's going, argh, I can do this!
0:29:13 > 0:29:14He's facing the other way.
0:29:14 > 0:29:15Ah, I can do this.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18Is he fishing? Is he catching things in his webbed...?
0:29:18 > 0:29:19No.
0:29:19 > 0:29:24I was thinking maybe there was a plane load of frogs trying to land.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28APPLAUSE
0:29:32 > 0:29:34But you know, air traffic controller frog.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39What is it about the background?
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Running water. Water stream, I mean...
0:29:42 > 0:29:44Yeah, and what does that create?
0:29:44 > 0:29:46If you've got a waterfall behind you,
0:29:46 > 0:29:48how do you communicate with your neighbour?
0:29:48 > 0:29:51- How do you shout? - It's sign language?- Yes.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53- No!- It's semaphore.
0:29:53 > 0:29:54- Really?- Stop it!
0:29:54 > 0:29:58It's the semaphore frog, because it lives by waterfalls and cataracts,
0:29:58 > 0:29:59and so little...
0:29:59 > 0:30:01(IMITATES FROG)
0:30:01 > 0:30:02..won't get heard.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04So that's how it communicates.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Basically, it's saying to other males,
0:30:06 > 0:30:07"This is my territory, keep away."
0:30:07 > 0:30:09Or it's saying to girls, "Here I am."
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Unless it's 8%, of course.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16It is a wonderful sight.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19It's solved the problem of the fact that it can't vocalise,
0:30:19 > 0:30:21because it lives in a noisy environment.
0:30:21 > 0:30:25There are other ways of attracting mates which are unusual.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27CRICKETS CHIRP
0:30:27 > 0:30:28Yes?
0:30:28 > 0:30:30The internet.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32LAUGHTER
0:30:32 > 0:30:35If only you'd said what you often call the internet.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38- What do you sometimes call the internet?- The interweb.
0:30:38 > 0:30:39- Yes.- Web, spiders.
0:30:39 > 0:30:40Spiders, yes.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44Spiders make webs to catch prey so they can eat, survive and thrive.
0:30:44 > 0:30:49Yes. But there's a particular breed of spider, they ejaculate into a pad
0:30:49 > 0:30:54of webbing and transfer the sperm-laden pad to their "palps",
0:30:54 > 0:30:56which are like their antennae,
0:30:56 > 0:30:59and then they wave them around to attract the female.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02"I've got some sperm here. I've got some sperm for you."
0:31:04 > 0:31:06I used to do that, I used to do that to my ex-girlfriend, because...
0:31:09 > 0:31:12I mean...
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Why am I not surprised by the word "ex" in there?
0:31:14 > 0:31:16Yeah, I mean she just wanted to have a baby so bad,
0:31:16 > 0:31:18it was just really easy to get her excited like that.
0:31:18 > 0:31:19"I've got some sperm."
0:31:19 > 0:31:21And she'd come running and I'd be like,
0:31:21 > 0:31:23"I'm kidding, I'm kidding."
0:31:23 > 0:31:26You're probably each well out of it.
0:31:26 > 0:31:27Yeah, she's the better for it.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29I mean, in fact, I take pride in believing that I helped her
0:31:29 > 0:31:31prepare for the next cat that she...
0:31:31 > 0:31:35And think what you're saving on triple ply tissues. There you are.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37Wow!
0:31:37 > 0:31:38Sorry.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41In some weird English way, I feel dealt with.
0:31:45 > 0:31:50By the way, the credit for the video tape of that extraordinary frog
0:31:50 > 0:31:52waving its hands belongs to the School of Environment
0:31:52 > 0:31:54of Life Sciences at the University of Salford.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56Thank you, University of Salford.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59Anyway, Alan, what I'd like you to do is press your buzzer.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05- It's not a trap. - It's going to be a trap.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07Yeah, press your buzzer.
0:32:07 > 0:32:08CRICKETS CHIRP
0:32:08 > 0:32:11What are those and how do they make that noise?
0:32:11 > 0:32:14Now, this could be one of two things.
0:32:14 > 0:32:15Right.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18There's the one that makes the noise by inflating its thorax,
0:32:18 > 0:32:22and the one that makes a noise by rubbing its back legs together...
0:32:22 > 0:32:25SIREN BLARES
0:32:26 > 0:32:29So I think it was the first one.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35There is actually no insect that makes a noise
0:32:35 > 0:32:37by rubbing its back legs together.
0:32:37 > 0:32:38Ah.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41But do you know what the animal was in fact you were listening to?
0:32:41 > 0:32:43- Cicada.- It's a cricket, in fact.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46It's been known for thousands of years that crickets
0:32:46 > 0:32:48don't chirp by rubbing their legs together.
0:32:48 > 0:32:49So where did that come from then?
0:32:49 > 0:32:52It's just one of those weird fallacies that people cling to,
0:32:52 > 0:32:55and I've clung to fallacies, and it's, it's a...
0:32:55 > 0:32:57LAUGHTER
0:32:57 > 0:33:00He did say weird phallus, didn't he?
0:33:00 > 0:33:02This, this is all, this is...
0:33:02 > 0:33:04He said it's a weird phallus that people cling to.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06He said that, didn't he?
0:33:06 > 0:33:08- He said, he said fallacies.- Oh.
0:33:08 > 0:33:09That means many phalluses.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12Yeah, thank you.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Rubbing body... Oh, God, it's getting worse, sorry.
0:33:15 > 0:33:19Rubbing body parts to make sound is called stridulation.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22And crickets have a large vein along the bottom of each wing,
0:33:22 > 0:33:25covered with comb-like teeth.
0:33:25 > 0:33:29The chirp comes from the scraping on the top of one wing
0:33:29 > 0:33:31over the bottom of the other. Nothing to do with legs at all.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34- So it's the wings, not their legs. - It's the wings, not their legs.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36And only male crickets chirp, the females don't.
0:33:36 > 0:33:41Four songs, one to attract a female, two to court a nearby female,
0:33:41 > 0:33:43three to warn off another male,
0:33:43 > 0:33:47and four to celebrate a successful mating session.
0:33:47 > 0:33:48Really?
0:33:50 > 0:33:53Or, four to say to the female, "Why don't you say something?!"
0:33:53 > 0:33:54Yes, quite.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57So, basically, it's like they're high-fiving themselves.
0:33:57 > 0:33:58- Yes, they are.- After their...Wooo!
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Yes, success!
0:34:00 > 0:34:03I would just order pizza.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06That's what we tend to do, but they just high-five themselves,
0:34:06 > 0:34:08as you say. But this, listen to this,
0:34:08 > 0:34:11this is the most extraordinary cricket of all.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13It's the snowy tree cricket.
0:34:13 > 0:34:18And if you count the times, because they're very susceptible
0:34:18 > 0:34:23to temperature, if you count the times they chirp in 14 seconds
0:34:23 > 0:34:28and add 40, you will get the temperature in Fahrenheit.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30No way, shut up!
0:34:30 > 0:34:32Yes way, absolute way.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35I know it sounds mad, it's from the 1897 masterpiece by Amos Dolbear,
0:34:35 > 0:34:38The Cricket as a Thermometer.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43But it is extraordinary, isn't it?
0:34:43 > 0:34:47I'd still prefer a thermometer up my bum if I was in hospital than a...
0:34:53 > 0:34:55Amazing, isn't it?
0:34:55 > 0:34:56Dolbear's Law. Now you know.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59Anyway, what lives underwater
0:34:59 > 0:35:03and is the loudest animal in the world for its size?
0:35:03 > 0:35:04- ELEPHANT TRUMPETS - Greg Proops?
0:35:04 > 0:35:06Oprah.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11Good answer, but untrue.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13- Is it going to be a blue whale? - SIRENS BLARE
0:35:13 > 0:35:17Oh, Alan, you and your blue, you were doing so well.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19No, it's the largest in relation to its size,
0:35:19 > 0:35:22the noise it makes is quite astounding.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25When I tell you that its size is two millimetres,
0:35:25 > 0:35:29and it creates a sound of over 99 decibels,
0:35:29 > 0:35:33which is like a freight train passing by.
0:35:33 > 0:35:34It's an incredibly loud noise,
0:35:34 > 0:35:36and it's a little lake creature, actually.
0:35:36 > 0:35:40Do you know those things that seem to walk on water, do you remember what they're called?
0:35:40 > 0:35:42Our Lord?
0:35:46 > 0:35:50APPLAUSE
0:35:50 > 0:35:54You could call this the Jesus insect if you wanted. It's a water boatman.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56The water boatman is a beautiful little creature
0:35:56 > 0:35:59and it uses the surface tension of the water, there you see,
0:35:59 > 0:36:01to walk along the water.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03That's a pond skater, of course.
0:36:03 > 0:36:07So unlike a blue whale in almost every respect.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11It really is. The noise it gives out is like a passing freight train.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14We have a theory how they produce it, and we'd like you
0:36:14 > 0:36:16to try out our theory.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19They use their penises against their tummies.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21Penii?
0:36:21 > 0:36:22Penii, if you like.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24Penises if you wanted to speak in English, but...
0:36:26 > 0:36:28But by all means penii, if you like.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31They rub their penises on their tummy
0:36:31 > 0:36:34and somehow create a noise of 99.2 decibels.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37- But that's just a theory though, right?- Yeah.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40Because I put my penis against my belly, it don't make no noise.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42If you really whack it though, if you...
0:36:42 > 0:36:45(MIMES WHIP NOISE)
0:36:45 > 0:36:46Steady, steady.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48It depends on if I have to get up in a hurry.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51Like, if I got an hour or so...
0:36:51 > 0:36:54Imagine that it's a penis, all right.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57If you'd pass that to Greg.
0:36:57 > 0:37:01You know, imagining is not helping, but all right.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03Obviously there's yours, Alan.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06No.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09APPLAUSE
0:37:09 > 0:37:10You can have a normal one.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12Now this is quite complicated,
0:37:12 > 0:37:15but you should have a little bowl of rosin,
0:37:15 > 0:37:18as in the kind of stuff that ballet dancers use
0:37:18 > 0:37:21to keep their shoes from sliding on the stage
0:37:21 > 0:37:23and string players use for their bows. Ordinary rosin.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27Oh, very good. Listen to that noise. Keep doing that.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30HIGH-PITCHED TONE
0:37:31 > 0:37:35You're rubbing, you're trying to, it gets surprisingly loud,
0:37:35 > 0:37:36doesn't it?
0:37:36 > 0:37:40HIGH-PITCHED TONE CONTINUES
0:37:40 > 0:37:42Oh, God, yes!
0:37:44 > 0:37:47I don't seem to be attracting any boatmen or women.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49HIGH-PITCHED TONE
0:37:49 > 0:37:50I'm not getting 99 decibels.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52TONE INCREASES IN VOLUME
0:37:52 > 0:37:54There, you see that?
0:37:54 > 0:37:56This is still louder, though.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04- Is that yours? - But isn't that surprising?
0:38:04 > 0:38:05Wow!
0:38:05 > 0:38:07TONE INCREASES IN VOLUME
0:38:07 > 0:38:09- Yeah.- Aaah!
0:38:09 > 0:38:10Aaaaaah!
0:38:10 > 0:38:14It's like Mars Attacks and our brains will explode.
0:38:16 > 0:38:17Solo!
0:38:17 > 0:38:20Alan's very good at it, isn't he?
0:38:20 > 0:38:22Have you given him a wand? Is that a wand?
0:38:22 > 0:38:25APPLAUSE
0:38:31 > 0:38:32It's a very interesting thing.
0:38:32 > 0:38:35You can pop your little ones down now. Yeah.
0:38:35 > 0:38:41It is surprising how...how loud it can be.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43No females have approached, Stephen.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47I could do it under the table, then no-one knows...
0:38:47 > 0:38:51HIGH-PITCHED TONE
0:38:51 > 0:38:53Miss, Miss, Alan's doing it again!
0:38:53 > 0:38:57TONE INCREASES IN VOLUME
0:38:57 > 0:39:02You're very good at it! Alan, you have a natural talent at last.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04And he's doing that with his penis.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08He put the rod down hours ago.
0:39:09 > 0:39:13- It actually is 99 decibels? - About 90% of it is lost underwater,
0:39:13 > 0:39:15but you can still hear it above water, because it's so loud.
0:39:15 > 0:39:20- How loud is a blue whale? Come on!- Oh, it's loud.
0:39:20 > 0:39:24- The blue whale is capable of 188 decibels.- Ah!- Which is a lot more.
0:39:24 > 0:39:28Way more! And its cock is enormous!
0:39:29 > 0:39:31But we were talking about proportionality.
0:39:31 > 0:39:36If it was able to rub its cock on its belly, it would be DEAFENING!
0:39:36 > 0:39:40It can't, you see. That's what nature provides,
0:39:40 > 0:39:42because their flippers are too short.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44If they could get access to their enormous penis,
0:39:44 > 0:39:46they would deafen the oceans.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50So, the water boatman makes a big noise
0:39:50 > 0:39:53with its mighty, stridulating penis.
0:39:53 > 0:39:57Anyway, throughout the show tonight, there's been a species of
0:39:57 > 0:40:01striped animal in full view here in the studio.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03Let me know when you see it.
0:40:03 > 0:40:07There is a striped animal somewhere in the studio in full view.
0:40:08 > 0:40:12- Er, are people stripey?- Yes!- Really?
0:40:12 > 0:40:17All human beings have stripes, very regular stripes, on their skin.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20They were discovered in 1901 by a dermatologist,
0:40:20 > 0:40:22and they're called Blashcko lines.
0:40:22 > 0:40:26He studied 140 patients who had a particular kind of skin disease,
0:40:26 > 0:40:29and he drew up the map that followed the exact lines.
0:40:29 > 0:40:33They just don't show unless you have that particular condition.
0:40:33 > 0:40:38- It's almost like camouflage if we lived in pasta.- Yes!
0:40:38 > 0:40:41It would be. Maybe that's how it evolved.
0:40:41 > 0:40:45But in cases of animals that are obviously striped like zebras...
0:40:45 > 0:40:50- Tigers!- And tigers. Zebras, for example...- Want a point for that?
0:40:50 > 0:40:54- Oh, yeah.- Is a zebra white with black stripes or black with white stripes?
0:40:54 > 0:40:58- Yes.- Which?- It's black with... What do you think, Greg?
0:41:00 > 0:41:02Thank you, Alan.
0:41:02 > 0:41:06One, they smell like chocolate, so I'd say chocolate.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09I would say they are black with white lines,
0:41:09 > 0:41:11that's what I would say.
0:41:11 > 0:41:15- No, they're white with black stripes.- Well, you would say that, wouldn't you, white man!
0:41:15 > 0:41:17APPLAUSE
0:41:19 > 0:41:23- But they have black noses.- They do have black noses.- That's ridiculous.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm not playing any more.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28- I'm furious.- It was discovered...
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Ooooh!
0:41:32 > 0:41:35Now, we don't throw our toys out of the pram.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37Humans are not only striped, incidentally,
0:41:37 > 0:41:39we are also bioluminescent.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42We give off light, and this, again, was a recent discovery,
0:41:42 > 0:41:45a Japanese discovery. In 2009 they photographed
0:41:45 > 0:41:50the faint glow of human bioluminescence for the first time.
0:41:50 > 0:41:54It's 1,000 times weaker than our eyes can detect, unfortunately.
0:41:54 > 0:41:57But it is there. We do give off a small amount of light.
0:41:57 > 0:42:01It's a shame he's got his pants on, cos I'd like to see how luminous your cock is!
0:42:03 > 0:42:07You must get yourself a job in one of those body scanning units at Heathrow,
0:42:07 > 0:42:10and you would have the most amusing time
0:42:10 > 0:42:13looking at people's willies as they walk through.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16The green bit is a mystery.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18I don't know whether that is the photograph
0:42:18 > 0:42:21and the sensitivity of the camera is such that...
0:42:21 > 0:42:23That's bio-Hulk-inescence.
0:42:23 > 0:42:28That's the Credible Hulk, who was slightly different...
0:42:28 > 0:42:32I like the Credible Hulk. He's a Hulk, but I believe him.
0:42:33 > 0:42:37He goes a little bit green and slightly peeved.
0:42:38 > 0:42:42I would watch the Credible Hulk. There you are.
0:42:42 > 0:42:46Anyway, it's time for the final scores.
0:42:46 > 0:42:51I'm sorry to say, that in last place with minus 10 is Alan Davies.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53APPLAUSE
0:42:53 > 0:42:55How did I get minus 10?
0:42:55 > 0:43:00And just behind, with minus eight, is Greg Proops.
0:43:00 > 0:43:02APPLAUSE
0:43:04 > 0:43:08Then, with minus six, is David O'Doherty.
0:43:08 > 0:43:10APPLAUSE
0:43:13 > 0:43:18With one plus point, Reginald D Hunter.
0:43:18 > 0:43:21APPLAUSE
0:43:21 > 0:43:22Well done.
0:43:27 > 0:43:33Well, that's all from David, Reginald, Greg, Alan and me.
0:43:33 > 0:43:37Remember, snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them.
0:43:37 > 0:43:39Unfortunately, this is not true of mosquitoes,
0:43:39 > 0:43:41spiders, bears or tigers.
0:43:41 > 0:43:43But don't have nightmares. Good night.