0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Well, good evening, good evening, good evening, good eve-e-e-ening...
0:00:34 > 0:00:38I'm running out of good evenings. To the QI Job Centre.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Scanning the situations vacant tonight are
0:00:41 > 0:00:44retired civil servant Sarah Millican.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Former cloakroom attendant David Mitchell.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Unemployed pianist and saxophonist the Reverend Richard Coles.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:01 > 0:01:06And ex-Epping flea market sandwich-board man Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:11 > 0:01:15By their buzzers shall ye know them.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16And Sarah goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:18BELL RINGS
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Ooh. And David goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:23TOILET FLUSHES
0:01:23 > 0:01:26That's a cloakroom being attended. Richard goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28SAXOPHONE SQUEAKS
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Aw, bless you, I've heard you on Waterloo Bridge. And Alan goes...
0:01:31 > 0:01:34'Sandwiches, sandwiches!'
0:01:34 > 0:01:36That's what you mean by a sandwich board, is it?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Well, not strictly.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41I'd like to say, the cloakroom I attended was for actual cloaks.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- It wasn't a euphemism. - Oh, it really was a cloakroom?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45It was for where people left their coats and bags,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- and I suppose the occasional cloak. - And...
0:01:48 > 0:01:51But with it being in the 20th century, it wasn't very cloak-heavy.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53No.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55I have to say, I actually do have a cloak.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57It's standard issue for clergyman.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Oh, yes, you would have one, wouldn't you?
0:01:59 > 0:02:00SARAH: Has it got pockets?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02It's got deep poacher's pockets,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04so you can keep things like holy water in there, if you wish.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Just in case you need some.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08In case you happen to meet a girl who's possessed by the devil.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Exactly. But also, it's a practical garment.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14There are bits, special tapes and bits you can hang onto
0:02:14 > 0:02:17and wrap round yourself. I recommend them. They're lovely.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Is it true, do you kiss your stole before putting it over your shoulder?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Yes, there's a special prayer when you're getting kitted up.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25You kiss the cross and say a prayer as it goes over your head.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29I'm thinking of Max von Sydow going, "The Beast will say many things...
0:02:29 > 0:02:32"The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!"
0:02:32 > 0:02:34And then the green vomit comes out and...
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Have you done any of those?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- To be fair, actually, I have done a couple.- Forget all the questions -
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I'm going to get down to this.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43"Exorcisms" is more interesting.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Well, we don't call it... We call it "deliverance" now,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48rather like the takeaway man on the moped.
0:02:48 > 0:02:53Though I was in a parish where there was a major drug problem
0:02:53 > 0:02:55and so, quite often, you'd be called out to people
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- who'd just done a lot of speed. - Right.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58They'd describe what had happened
0:02:58 > 0:03:01and you realised they were talking about the horror film
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- that was on at the pictures the week before.- Oh!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I had a friend who was...
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- I don't remember if you remember Dom Sylvester Houedard...- Oh, yes!
0:03:08 > 0:03:11He was called in, not to do an exorcism,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13but a man said he was Napoleon.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17And Dom Sylvester said, "Well, that's unfortunate for you,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- "because- I- am Wellington."
0:03:21 > 0:03:25There was a friend of mine who had a psychiatric unit in his parish.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27And there was a gentleman there who thought he was God
0:03:27 > 0:03:29and would sort of follow Donald around the unit,
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- asking him hard questions about the hypostatic union and things like that.- My God.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36One day, Donald got impatient with him and turned to him
0:03:36 > 0:03:38and said, "If you are God, would you kindly settle,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"once and for all, the exact relation of the three Persons of the Trinity?"
0:03:41 > 0:03:43And the man said, "I never talk shop."
0:03:45 > 0:03:48APPLAUSE
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Listen, it is way off, WAY off base here,
0:03:55 > 0:03:56but I'm having a good conversation
0:03:56 > 0:03:59and that, in the end, is what QI is supposed to be about.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01So let's begin with our first question.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Confucius once said, "Give someone a job they love
0:04:04 > 0:04:07"and they'll never have to work again."
0:04:07 > 0:04:09So, what sort of jobs are these?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12We've given you what, in the social media world, as you know,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- is called a cloud.- 'Sandwiches!'
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Yep?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19LAUGHTER
0:04:19 > 0:04:21That's only going to get funnier, isn't it?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- I hope so.- Yeah.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25A ripper is a murderer.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Well, obviously, yes...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30A highly-skilled murderer. An expert.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- In Whitechapel, usually.- Yes, yes! - Yeah. Sometimes in... - I knew that was right.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37These days most murderers are amateur, though, aren't they?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40It's very difficult to make a living out of it.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- As a job, yeah. No, it's a good point.- It's true.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45A ripper, actually, you might know. There is a word,
0:04:45 > 0:04:49it's the kind of word a crossword fiend might know - riparian.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50R-I-P-A-R-I-A-N.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Riparian, does that mean anything to you?
0:04:53 > 0:04:54I feel it should.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Yes. It comes from the Latin "ripa" - river bank.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00So the riparian means of the riverside, of the river bank.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02A fish seller who sells fish off the banks...
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Oh, this is like a 3-2-1 clue! - I know, I'm so sorry.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07I thought we were getting somewhere,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10it's going to be someone who repairs the banks of rivers.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12OK, no, he sells fish now!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I'm so sorry.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17A burgrailler.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20That's presumably someone who grills burgers?
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Just, the general spelling in the average burger joint. No.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29A burgrailler was someone who removed burrs
0:05:29 > 0:05:31from the teeth of combs in a cotton mill.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Oh, I thought it was going to be from the Queen Mother.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41And we have a willyer, which comes from the same profession.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Is that someone who was both in the Black Eyed Peas and the Wurzels?
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Oh, it's will.ay.er!
0:05:46 > 0:05:48will.i.arr!
0:05:48 > 0:05:49will.i.err!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Oh, very good.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54APPLAUSE
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Excellent.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01You see, your years working with Jimmy Somerville and The Communards
0:06:01 > 0:06:03have not dulled the edge of your wit, I'm glad to see.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06It's actually a willyer, it's also called the woollyer.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08But willyer is a more common name for it
0:06:08 > 0:06:10and again, we're back in the world of the loom,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12operating a willying machine, which sep...
0:06:12 > 0:06:13GIGGLING I've done that!
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Yes, thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Wharfinger, you might be able to work out.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20There's an odd thing that we do in English,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23which is that we add a letter N where one isn't necessary.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26So, for example, if someone is on a passage, on a journey,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29we don't call them a passager, we call them a passenger.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33If someone sends a message we don't call them a messager,
0:06:33 > 0:06:34we call them a messenger.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37It's a very odd English thing, of adding this N.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39And a wharfiger is someone who might...?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Wharfage?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Yeah, own a wharf. Basically, a wharf owner is a wharfinger.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Do people own wharves now?
0:06:45 > 0:06:49These days you don't meet many people who say, "I'm in the wharf business."
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Actually you might have a Worf... - I've got a lovely wharf!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Star Trek: The Second Generation had a character called Worf, didn't it?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- He was a Klingon with a big nose.- Was he? - Oh, yes.- And no sense of humour.
0:06:58 > 0:07:04You do surprise me, with the moments when you dip into popular culture, which ones you choose.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- I am secretly a bit of a Trekkie, I have to say.- Are you?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- HE MIMICS PICARD:- Make it so.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Could you play Vulcan chess?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Oh, no, that's very difficult. - Do you remember Vulcan chess?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I remember Vulcan chess. Very, very difficult.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- And T'Pau, do you remember there was a pop group called T'Pau? - We toured with them.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21That took their name from an episode of Star Trek.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22You toured with T'Pau?
0:07:22 > 0:07:26When you're on tour, if you're in a band, you tend to be on the same circuit as other bands
0:07:26 > 0:07:28and we used to bump into Carol Decker,
0:07:28 > 0:07:29who was the singer from T'Pau.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32You'd be in a hotel with T'Pau and Public Image.
0:07:32 > 0:07:37So you'd be having your breakfast between John Lydon and Carol Decker in a strange, weird sort of...
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I'd like to see you partying with Shaun Ryder from...
0:07:40 > 0:07:42But there was no partying, because, actually,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44if you're on tour, you're so busy.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Everyone is in bed by ten, it's the people around who...
0:07:46 > 0:07:50No, no, maybe they didn't tell you about the parties that went on afterwards.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I once stayed in a hotel in America with Black Grape,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57which was the band that Shaun Ryder formed after he left,
0:07:57 > 0:07:58you know, Manchester,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01and it was so rowdy on the floor of the hotel...
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- Rowdy!- When I woke up... Hey!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07When I woke up the next morning, I opened the door
0:08:07 > 0:08:10and there was a bottle of extremely high-quality brandy
0:08:10 > 0:08:13with a little note saying, "Hope you weren't disturbed. Love, Shaun."
0:08:13 > 0:08:16And I looked all the way down both sides of the corridor
0:08:16 > 0:08:18and there was a bottle of brandy there.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21We did have a bass player who came down one morning as we were checking out
0:08:21 > 0:08:23and said he had trashed his room.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24We were quite pleased,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26because no-one had ever done that in our band, at all.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28But it turned out that actually what he'd done
0:08:28 > 0:08:30was tear up a copy of the Guardian.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31STEPHEN HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER
0:08:31 > 0:08:34And we made him go and tidy it up again.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- All right. - BELL RINGS
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- A nut-steamer.- Yes.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Is that somebody who works in a spa?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- Sounds right. It does sound right. - SAXOPHONE SQUEAKS
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- Flong maker.- Yes.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I have a theory that this might be a gentleman
0:08:51 > 0:08:53who makes foundation garments for ladies.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55And it's those very thin things
0:08:55 > 0:08:59which are a cross between a thong and dental floss.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03- Oh, I know just what you mean. - Yes.- An arse-floss piece of...
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- Yes.- Yeah, ooh! Ooh. Yes, horrible, yes.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09The person cleaning it is the one you feel sorry for.
0:09:09 > 0:09:14No, flong actually is a corruption of the French word "flan".
0:09:14 > 0:09:16It means a heavy base.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Oh, isn't that interesting?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20And it's actually from the word "printing".
0:09:20 > 0:09:23What the flong made was actually... Because it was solid,
0:09:23 > 0:09:27the Greek for solid is "stereo", and it was known as stereotyping.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Because you were making the same thing each time.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31You made a stereotype.
0:09:31 > 0:09:36And oddly enough, the noise the ink made was rendered as "cliche".
0:09:36 > 0:09:38The noise. "Cliche, cliche" noise that it made
0:09:38 > 0:09:39when you rolled the ink.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43So both stereotype and cliche, which sort of mean the same thing,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45are both printers' terms.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48And so, literally, a cliche is made by stereotyping.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- Yes, exactly.- Right. - It is incredibly pleasing.- Yeah.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53And we're only here to be quite interesting,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56we don't expect you to be rolling on the floor barking like a seal,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58vomiting with laughter at that thought.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00But I do hope you will take it home,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02wrap it in a little parcel of lavender paper
0:10:02 > 0:10:04and store it in the bottom part of your drawer.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- I'm worried I'll get it wrong. - Yeah, OK.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I'm planning to slightly mis-remember it
0:10:08 > 0:10:11and see some version of it in 20 years' time.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15So, the one we can't help you with is a macaroni loper,
0:10:15 > 0:10:16no-one seems to know.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20We think it may be simply some sort of pasta job
0:10:20 > 0:10:21of twisting macaroni into a...
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Making necklaces out of macaroni, that's what it is.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26But the reason we know all these are all jobs
0:10:26 > 0:10:30is because of the 1891 UK census - people had to put their profession.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32And these are just some of the professions.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35So, we just know that someone in the 1891 census,
0:10:35 > 0:10:39or probably more than one person, said "Oh, I'm a macaroni loper."
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- Yes.- And no-one's ever explained.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43No, unfortunately.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Because nowadays in the census, don't some people...
0:10:45 > 0:10:49They put that their religion is Jedi, as a sort of joke.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Maybe the macaroni lopers are having a laugh at our expense.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54I once had to have a discussion about that,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56when I was involved in prison chaplaincy,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59because one of the prisoners wanted a Jedi chaplain.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00- No!- Yeah.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04In the end we found a shaman in Lincoln who did the job.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06And did he come with a little light sabre?
0:11:06 > 0:11:07No, he had a shaking stick.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- But we thought that was the nearest we could get.- That would do.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14- Yeah.- Wow! That's pretty impressive.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Star Wars will outlive all the major religions, I'm sure.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- You think?- Yeah. - Maybe it will. Maybe.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22AUDIENCE MEMBER CLAPS
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Someone clapping!
0:11:24 > 0:11:27There's one little Ewok at the back!
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Anyway, there we go, that's question one over with.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33How does snake farming work?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36You plant them in the ground.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Unless they're doing the actual farming.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44That might be quite tricky, just put them on a tractor and watch them go.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Well, there was one great snake farmer, called Bill Haast,
0:11:47 > 0:11:51who lived from 1910 to the year 2011.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53And he died, 100-years-old,
0:11:53 > 0:11:58and he specialised in handling snakes, venomous snakes.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01And how do you think he protected himself from being bitten?
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Cut their heads off?
0:12:02 > 0:12:06No, he kept them very much alive and made a lot of money out of them.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- Can you sort of get used to it? - That's the point.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12In fact, he got himself bitten so much, he became immune.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16He was bitten over 120 times, the first time when he was 12.
0:12:16 > 0:12:1820 times almost fatally, he said.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20You may say, "Well, he was just a dick,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22"he was just someone who was just a show-off."
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Actually, he did it for a reason, and that was to save other people.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30His blood was so rich in the antibodies...
0:12:30 > 0:12:32There are snake handlers, of course,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35who are religious people in America, some of the Southern States.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Why'd you have to drag religion into everything?!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Sorry. The Bishop's watching!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49But they, because they take rather at face value
0:12:49 > 0:12:51a text from the Gospel of Mark, which says that,
0:12:51 > 0:12:55"You shall not be hurt by a serpent if you are kind of in our club."
0:12:55 > 0:12:58So they go around, picking up serpents and, of course,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01most of them die hideously of snakebites, sooner or later.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03But they don't seem to develop this.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07No, I think the point is you have to build it up. Well, there you go.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10You might also know of a king of Pontus.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Northern Turkey is where Pontus is.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14And there was a king there, Mithridates,
0:13:14 > 0:13:16and he was very much an enemy of Rome
0:13:16 > 0:13:19and he was convinced he was going to be poisoned
0:13:19 > 0:13:21and he was one of the first people we know of
0:13:21 > 0:13:25who made himself immune to poisons by taking small amounts of them.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Sure enough, he was indeed cornered by the Roman general, Pompey,
0:13:28 > 0:13:32and he took poison, a really strong dose
0:13:32 > 0:13:33and it still didn't kill him,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36so he had to get his servant to stab him to death!
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I went to India on holiday and there was a bit of food going on
0:13:39 > 0:13:41and there were some green chillies in a glass.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Now, some green chillies are quite chewable and dippable...
0:13:44 > 0:13:45And some are so not.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48And I pick this one up and I could see three Indian ladies
0:13:48 > 0:13:51peering round, putting their heads round.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53They were virtually nudging one another,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55cos they'd clearly put these out as a trap.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58And I nibbled the very end of it
0:13:58 > 0:14:02and then I was numb down the side of my face for several minutes.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03- Terrifying.- But while I was there,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06there was a story about an Indian woman who could eat...
0:14:06 > 0:14:08She set a record, it's in the Guinness Book of Records...
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- I mean, dozens of these things.- Yeah. - Same principle, I suppose.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- Building up tolerance. - Have you been to Iceland?- No.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- Oh, with the smelly fish?- Hakarl. Have you had Hakarl?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Never had it, no.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21They give you this dish and it's got these little cubes
0:14:21 > 0:14:24of foul-smelling strong cheese in it and you sort of take this cheese
0:14:24 > 0:14:26and you eat it and it's absolutely disgusting.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27They go, "Ho-ho-ho."
0:14:27 > 0:14:30You go, "That's the worst cheese I've ever tasted."
0:14:30 > 0:14:31They go, "That is not cheese." "What is it?"
0:14:31 > 0:14:33And hakarl is they kill a shark
0:14:33 > 0:14:35and then they bury it in sand on a beach
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- so it putrefies in its own urine. - Yes.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39- AUDIENCE GROANS - They do.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43And then they dig it up and cut into cubes and give it to tourists.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49And we're supposed to feel sorry for their financial crisis?!
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Up yours, Bjork!
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Were they worried that tourism was going to get out of hand
0:14:56 > 0:14:58on that freezing-cold island?
0:14:58 > 0:15:02How bad do things have to be that putrefied urinous shark meat
0:15:02 > 0:15:03is your delicacy?
0:15:03 > 0:15:07It is true. Gracious me. I think we should move on.
0:15:07 > 0:15:12So, what might an inspector of nuisances do?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Did nuisance used to mean something else?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Was it like nuisance, meaning a noise or a party or a...
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Well, yes, it would include a noise, yes.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23It was basically, kind of, an equivalent
0:15:23 > 0:15:25of today's Environmental Health Officer.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27They were appointed by the local authority
0:15:27 > 0:15:29as sanitary and health issues...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32One man's nuisance is another man's rowdy evening in the hotel, isn't it?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- Yes, but this is like... - Who decides what a nuisance is?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Well, this is like, you know, if your neighbour is a hoarder,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39or they're smelly.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42This was in days before the more common sanitation that we expect.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45So if it was really smelly, very noisy.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48They would also disinfect houses that had had smallpox.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51They were also responsible for the scavengers,
0:15:51 > 0:15:52and what were the scavengers?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Were they people who made a living
0:15:54 > 0:15:56through going through the leavings of others?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59That's what you would think. Like mud-larkers going through the beaches.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02It actually had a more specific and unsavoury meaning, originally.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06- Is it waste?- Waste. Night soil men, they used to be called.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- Night soil. Ooh.- Night soil. - They stole poo?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- Well, not stole, but... - Just ones you've done in the night?
0:16:12 > 0:16:13People had...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16People had outside jacksies,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19that were not connected to any system of sewers.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21They were just a hole.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24It was just a hole, and so there would be a pile of poo
0:16:24 > 0:16:26and the night soil man would come with his spade
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- and he'd take your poo away.- Right.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30And that was a job - not a pleasant one.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32They were known as scavengers.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36And it was a deeply unpleasant, but a deeply necessary job, obviously.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Would you have to tip your scavenger,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40like you have to do with milkmen and postmen at Christmas?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- It's a very good question. - You leave a Christmas box.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47You leave a Christmas box! A perfect varnished stool.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49The best stool you've produced, you save it up for him.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- Your favourite one.- I had a thoroughly good dinner that day
0:16:52 > 0:16:55and I think that's quality, that stuff.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59That's right, you can't spot a nut or a crack in it.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01It's absolutely lovely. Lovely. Lovely. That's what you'd do.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03It doesn't remain in that... I know this,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06because I was a chaplain for a bit in Uganda,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09and they have scavengers, night soil people there.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12But I only saw it once and I shudder to recall it,
0:17:12 > 0:17:15but it was sort of mulched down, if I may put it that way.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- Ah. So it's not... - So it loses its...
0:17:17 > 0:17:19So it's not in its shape and form?
0:17:19 > 0:17:20- It's slop.- Slop.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- The same thing happens with squirty cream.- Exactly.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- It comes out a lovely shape. - Yes, you're right.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- Leave it for a few minutes and it's all gone... - Loses its form, doesn't it?
0:17:29 > 0:17:30It does, yeah.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32And no-one likes a stool that's lost its form.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- Yeah.- Absolutely. Points deducted.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36SARAH: You've just ruined squirty cream!
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Points deducted for a sloppy stool.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Anyway, enough already, let's move on.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Now, what is it about software engineers
0:17:44 > 0:17:46that drives people to violence?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48I've got a theory about software engineers,
0:17:48 > 0:17:51or the problem with software engineers -
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- it's that they're all REALLY into computers.- Yes.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57And they say, "Why not have a little twiddly bit
0:17:57 > 0:18:00"that does that when you do that? That would look pretty."
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Well, the upside is it would look pretty.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05The downside is that's another thing that doesn't work.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07It takes up processing power or speed.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Do they call them "twiddly bits"?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12They've probably got some technical name, even for twiddly bits.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15The usual word is "feature." Yeah.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Well, that is certainly one thing that is annoying.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I don't like software which anticipates needs I don't have.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22The sort of spell-checker thing,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25which corrects your spelling to words you didn't want to spell.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29I've got RSI now from correcting the corrections on my phone.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- If I want to type the C word - and I do sometimes...- Yeah.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37..it comes up with Cynthia, and that's my mother-in-law's name.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- Right.- And she's lovely, and it seems so unfair.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Let's hope it doesn't work the other way round.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:45 > 0:18:47You're so nice!
0:18:47 > 0:18:52Well, unfortunately in the original Greek, it is Kunthia.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Is it?- There is no letter Y in Greek. it's an upsilon, it's a U.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- That's alarming.- It is Kunthia.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01No, I'm going back to the very first software engineer that ever was.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Babbage?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Well, Babbage owed an enormous debt to this person.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Ada Lovelace.- Ada Lovelace also owed a debt to this person.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- Ada Lovelace wanted to use the same...- I'll get my cloak.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14You've done very well! Ada Lovelace was the daughter of?
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Mr Software.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18LAUGHTER
0:19:20 > 0:19:22So disappointing.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- Because, you know, you have a Mr Baker, don't you?- Yes, you do.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27And a Mr Butcher. Mr Cooper.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Old Jeremiah Software!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32But it's so much more interesting than that,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34she happened to be the daughter of Lord Byron,
0:19:34 > 0:19:37and she was one of the great mathematicians of her age.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39And she was a woman we should celebrate.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42And she was a colleague, as you say, of Charles Babbage,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44and they had got their difference engine,
0:19:44 > 0:19:46and they wanted to steal the idea of a Frenchman,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48who'd come up with the idea.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51And it's a software idea, it was for automating something.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55As a little boy, he used to sit on a particular type of machine
0:19:55 > 0:19:58and watch it working and thinking, "I could make this better."
0:19:58 > 0:20:00And he invented the punch-card system for it.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02And he has... Its name is...
0:20:02 > 0:20:04It's not those pianos that play themselves?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07No, Pianolas use the same system. But this is before that.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08It's much more useful,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11because it made something everybody in the world wanted to buy.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Which is clothes. And textiles.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Oh, is it for, like, a pattern on cloth?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20A loom. A loom. It's a loom, and it's a particular kind of loom...
0:20:20 > 0:20:21- RICHARD:- Jacquard.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Jacquard is the name, Joseph Marie Jacquard.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27And he was an extraordinary man, born in 1752,
0:20:27 > 0:20:31and these looms were used right up until our lifetimes.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32But there you are.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- Look at that. - That's what he invented.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Now, you look at those punch cards, you think, now, what can that do?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Babbage correctly saw
0:20:39 > 0:20:43this couldn't just make a loom and a tapestry and a picture,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46but it could also possibly do calculations
0:20:46 > 0:20:49and other such things that mathematicians were interested in.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52And so we have a portrait of Jacquard himself,
0:20:52 > 0:20:57which is done in woven silk using a Jacquard loom.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01That is done by punched cards. Isn't that astonishing?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04The depth, the tone, look at the knees there, the way the cloth is.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- I mean, that's...- It looks almost like a photograph, doesn't it?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- It almost looks like a photograph. - Yeah.- That is...
0:21:09 > 0:21:11You'd think he'd be happier, wouldn't you?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Well, that's true. Smiling in photographs is a very recent thing.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- Oh, really? - It was never considered normal,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19it was considered weird to smile in photographs.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22But the question was, why did he drive people to violence?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Ah, because he...
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Was it like Luddites, did they come and smash his machinery?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29They did, because it took so much work away from them.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Are these the shoe throwers?- Ah. - The saboteurs?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- And what's the French for a wooden shoe?- A sabot.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36A sabot is a clog.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39And they would throw their clogs into the looms to break them up,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41and a sabot, it was known as sabotage.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43And that's where we get our word "sabotage".
0:21:43 > 0:21:45They would sabotage his machines.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48And actually Luddites in Britain were nothing like as violent
0:21:48 > 0:21:51as the saboteurs of France, in Lyon and places like that.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- Different footwear, I suppose. - Different footwear.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59You can do more with a clog, can't you, than a conventional shoe?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- We had an outbreak of it in my parish.- Did you?
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Yeah, I'm afraid so.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03It's a shoe area,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06so when the automation of the shoe trade came in,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08there was a bit of smashing up of machines.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09That's a nightmare though,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12because if the people are destroying the machines with shoes,
0:22:12 > 0:22:17if the machine's still going, they're just making ammunition.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- For their own destruction. - That's so true.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21- And just the irony of it.- Yeah.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Just immediately, as they come out, chuck them back at the machine!
0:22:25 > 0:22:29You don't have to use shoes to make a machine break,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32it's just the French wore wooden clogs and those sabots.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34But it is fascinating, isn't it, to think of it?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Where would we be without trees?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Well, so true.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:43You're right.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48Anyway, the first automated looms caused rioting by French weavers.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Name as many famous butlers as you can.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Jeeves.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Jeeves?
0:22:54 > 0:22:55KLAXON BLARES
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Jeeves was not a butler!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Was he not a butler? He was a man.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03He was a valet, he was a gentleman's personal gentleman.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07- A valet, sorry.- What about Hudson from Upstairs Downstairs?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Hudson would certainly count, yes, absolutely.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11A butler has to be head of a household.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15A valet is a personal attendant, a gentleman's personal gentleman.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Oh, Christ!
0:23:16 > 0:23:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I mean, you got away with this, didn't you, really?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Because you were quite young to play the role, weren't you?
0:23:30 > 0:23:31I was young, yes.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34I mean, you in particular, because he is quite a bit older, isn't he?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Well, in Carry On, Jeeves,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38which is the very first appearance of Jeeves in Wodehouse,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41"a darkish, youngish chap stood in the doorway,"
0:23:41 > 0:23:43is the only physical description you get of Jeeves.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46But as Bertie Wooster said of him,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48"Although he is not a butler,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51"if it comes down to it, he can buttle with the best of them."
0:23:51 > 0:23:54And so... But the butler was literally a bottler,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- he looked after the cellar. - What about John Gielgud in Arthur?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Yes, he played... Well, was he a butler or was he a valet?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- It's hard to tell. - I'm saying he was a butler.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04A gentleman, a man. "My man," they used to say. "My man."
0:24:04 > 0:24:08The Fifth Duke of Portland so relied on his valet
0:24:08 > 0:24:11that when the doctor visited, the doctor would stand outside the room,
0:24:11 > 0:24:15the valet would do the rummaging around and call out what he saw!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19"I'm just inserting my finger into His Grace now!
0:24:19 > 0:24:23"I would say it's a, sort of, yellowy-blue colour."
0:24:23 > 0:24:26And the doctor would say, "That's a very bad sign."
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Or a very good sign. But...
0:24:27 > 0:24:30"All five of His Grace's testicles are in order."
0:24:32 > 0:24:34It is a most bizarre thing.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Many years ago, I was asked, as I'm sure you've been asked,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40to address the Oxford Union.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45They have asked me, but I always imagine that they just ask me along just so that they can go, "Pfft!"
0:24:45 > 0:24:48No! They would love you. They would love you. They'd also...
0:24:48 > 0:24:50"We have an entertainment, ha-ha-ha!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53"Ask him something, ha-ha-ha!"
0:24:53 > 0:24:55"Make the clown dance!"
0:24:55 > 0:24:57"We've got someone from Essex!"
0:24:57 > 0:24:58"He doesn't know! Ha-ha!"
0:24:58 > 0:24:59"Take my cloak."
0:25:01 > 0:25:02No.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I went, and I remember this quite -
0:25:04 > 0:25:08even for Oxford, - astonishing young man, in a wing collar...
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- HE MIMICS STUDENT: - ..who spoke in the most extraordinary manner,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14whose name was Jacob Rees-Mogg,
0:25:14 > 0:25:16and he was the son of William Rees-Mogg,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18who had, for a time, been the Editor of the Times.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- Oh, he's an MP now, is he? - And he's now an MP.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- And he... - HE CHUCKLES
0:25:22 > 0:25:24We may have a picture of him, there he is.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28You're never going to mistake him for an Essex chav, are you?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- And surprisingly... - He's River Dancing there, isn't he?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33He's very tall, isn't he? Bigger than the houses.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35He is very tall, yes.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37That may be a parallax effect, I'm not sure.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39But anyway, he was infuriated
0:25:39 > 0:25:42when leafleting the streets of central Fife,
0:25:42 > 0:25:43by the fact that he was mocked
0:25:43 > 0:25:45because he was assisted by his nanny.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50And what was so extraordinary was his response.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51His response was,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54"Well, I do wish you wouldn't keep going on about my nanny.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57"If I had a valet, you'd think it was perfectly normal!"
0:26:00 > 0:26:01A man of the people.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I've had a tweet relationship with Jacob Rees-Mogg.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Is he a Twitter friend?
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Well, I think...
0:26:06 > 0:26:11I don't know if it's actually him, but he quotes to me Anglican psalms.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12That's very like him.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15I can't think there would be anyone who wasn't him
0:26:15 > 0:26:16who would want to do that.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18It does seem a very strange pastime, I have to say.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21He's stopped talking to me now, but he did for a while.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24He's very busy running the country, with his nanny and his valet.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I think the nanny was doing the tweeting for him.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Mary Poppins and Jeeves are helping him out, that's all we need worry about.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Thank goodness. All is well in the world of Jacob Rees-Mogg, and I'm sure he's a lovely man.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Anyway, Jeeves was a valet, not a butler.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38What use is a sheep in a gold rush?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- SAXOPHONE SQUEAKS - Yes?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44It can be cold and lonely on those prairies.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46LAUGHTER
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Yes, that's the first thing that would come into a man of God's mind.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Huddle for warmth, Stephen, huddle together for warmth.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55No, well, the gold rushes aren't always in cold countries. But...
0:26:55 > 0:26:59- SAXOPHONE SQUEAKS - Is that what... Hang on, the Lord is your shepherd
0:26:59 > 0:27:03and on a cold night on his own, he might shaft you?!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05I believe...
0:27:05 > 0:27:07I believe his rod comforts you.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14They didn't teach me anything at theological college about this.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Oh, sorry, I do apologise.
0:27:15 > 0:27:20Would you filter stuff through wool, thereby extracting the golden ore?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23The man is right on the money, quite literally.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25That's exactly what you'd do. Exactly what you do.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29You take the fleece and the water runs through it
0:27:29 > 0:27:31and it leaves behind the flecks of gold
0:27:31 > 0:27:33and then you dry the fleece and shake them out.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36It's as simple as that, it's a very good way, better than panning.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40And there are people who believe, indeed there's one man who wrote a book about it,
0:27:40 > 0:27:43his name is Tim Severin, he wrote a book called The Jason Voyage,
0:27:43 > 0:27:47he's one of those people who believes a lot of Greek myths, a lot of myths generally,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50are based on originally true stories that have become exaggerated.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53And he believes The Golden Fleece may be one such an example.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Jason may well have taken a golden fleece
0:27:56 > 0:27:58that someone had been using for panning for gold.
0:27:58 > 0:28:03So, now, what are the Swiss planning to tidy up next?
0:28:03 > 0:28:05- Those good old Swiss. - BELL RINGS
0:28:05 > 0:28:07- Yes?- They, um... Army knives, that's what I was going to say.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Are they going to tidy them up? There's loads of useless things on them. All you need is the knife.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15- To sort of reduce the number of stuff on them.- Just a knife.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18But they do have a plan to do some REALLY serious cleaning,
0:28:18 > 0:28:23which will cost MILLIONS, but is, I'm afraid, very necessary.
0:28:23 > 0:28:28- Is it in space?- Yes. Well done, Alan Davies.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31- What's the problem in space? - Too many old satellites.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33- Debris, space debris.- As soon as we started going up there,
0:28:33 > 0:28:36we started leaving crap everywhere we went.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38It is so human, isn't it? It's like a festival.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Even if it's a chip of paint, you have to remember,
0:28:41 > 0:28:44- it's orbiting at 18,000mph. - You wouldn't want that in your eye.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46So when it hits something else, they shatter,
0:28:46 > 0:28:49so more and more shatter into smaller and smaller pieces,
0:28:49 > 0:28:52which makes it harder and harder to clear them up.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55So with the Swiss in space, there're attempting, technically,
0:28:55 > 0:28:58to find ways of clearing up this debris, which is a serious worry.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01- You need a Dyson. - You need one hell of a Dyson!
0:29:01 > 0:29:05- Dyson would think of something. - Why the Swiss?
0:29:05 > 0:29:08- It's interesting, isn't it? - Why have they taken it upon themselves,
0:29:08 > 0:29:11after years of not joining in and stockpiling Nazi gold,
0:29:11 > 0:29:13why now are they being public spirited?
0:29:13 > 0:29:15I've got a horrible thought -
0:29:15 > 0:29:17it might be for profit.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20- Oh!- Oh, they're not just a bit OCD? - I don't think...
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Well, it could be a mixture, though.
0:29:22 > 0:29:26If you've been to Switzerland, it IS a very clean and tidy country.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28It was the first country I ever went to, years ago, I was tiny,
0:29:28 > 0:29:31which had photoelectric cells in the urinals
0:29:31 > 0:29:36and so when I left, it flushed and I heard a little click.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38And so I just went back and forth, back and forth.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41And someone came in and saw me doing this...
0:29:43 > 0:29:45I had to explain...
0:29:45 > 0:29:46That basically, that urinal,
0:29:46 > 0:29:50- if it can sense when you've gone to flush, it's a robot.- Yes!
0:29:50 > 0:29:51It is like the debris in space -
0:29:51 > 0:29:55as soon as we create artificial intelligence, we abuse it sexually.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00Anyway, moving on, sorry. Let me give you the information on this.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03The fact is, after 50 years now of space exploration,
0:30:03 > 0:30:06the Earth is surrounded by junk from old satellites
0:30:06 > 0:30:08and spent rocket casings and so on,
0:30:08 > 0:30:11all way down to small pieces of wire and chips of paint.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13All hazardous to current satellites,
0:30:13 > 0:30:15on which our lives are beginning to depend -
0:30:15 > 0:30:18GPS and so on and peacekeeping and all sorts...
0:30:18 > 0:30:20- Grindr.- Oh, Grindr! God, yes!
0:30:20 > 0:30:22What would we do without Grindr?
0:30:22 > 0:30:26There are, apparently, 480 million copper needles
0:30:26 > 0:30:29because of some bloody stupid thing called Operation West Ford,
0:30:29 > 0:30:33which was an American project from between '61 and '63,
0:30:33 > 0:30:36to create an artificial ionosphere out of copper
0:30:36 > 0:30:38that they could bounce radio signals off.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41They actually wanted to seal the Earth. I mean, how mad is that?
0:30:41 > 0:30:43So that's left all that junk.
0:30:43 > 0:30:47Anyway, the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology in Lausanne
0:30:47 > 0:30:49has a project called CleanSpace One.
0:30:49 > 0:30:50There they are, in the snow, looking...
0:30:50 > 0:30:55Actually, that's Telly Savalas' hideout in On Her Majesty's Secret Service.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58Anyway, they will have a series of janitor satellites.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01They will manoeuvre alongside the unwanted object,
0:31:01 > 0:31:03grapple it with a claw - there you are -
0:31:03 > 0:31:05then dive into the atmosphere.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09So it's going to, first of all, grapple it with its claw...
0:31:09 > 0:31:10Ta-daa!
0:31:10 > 0:31:14- Oh, you can do this on Brighton Pier. - Yes, exactly!
0:31:14 > 0:31:15And then it goes...
0:31:15 > 0:31:18The problem is, the actual janitor thing is also destroyed.
0:31:18 > 0:31:19They both burn up in the atmosphere.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22So for every speck or needle,
0:31:22 > 0:31:24you have to send up a separate little old lady with a claw.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Which costs £27 million, each one of them.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30- Oh, that's really cheap(!) - That's what I mean by saying...
0:31:30 > 0:31:34You just need a shove-y thing that shoves it into the atmosphere.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36What about some sort of...?
0:31:36 > 0:31:38I mean, admittedly, I haven't given this much thought,
0:31:38 > 0:31:42but some sort of..."Hoover"?
0:31:42 > 0:31:43You know, some sort of sucking thing?
0:31:43 > 0:31:45A giant funnel? You'd think a giant funnel...
0:31:45 > 0:31:48Does sucking work in the outer atmosphere, where there's no air?
0:31:48 > 0:31:51There are two direction you want them to go in, you either want them
0:31:51 > 0:31:54to stop being in orbit and come in and be burnt up in the atmosphere
0:31:54 > 0:31:58or you want to push them into space, which is a bit loutish.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01- That's even more littering, isn't it? - It is. It is loutish.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04We Brits have come up with a different solution at the University of Surrey.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06And that is a nanosatellite, the size of a shoebox,
0:32:06 > 0:32:10and it contains a 25-square-metre solar sail
0:32:10 > 0:32:13So, when unfolded, this CubeSail, as they call it,
0:32:13 > 0:32:16is driven along by photons from the sun
0:32:16 > 0:32:19and it carries any junk and takes it out into outer space.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22In due course, devices like these may have to be built into anything
0:32:22 > 0:32:24that's ever allowed up into space again.
0:32:24 > 0:32:28It must have on it something that will help with the problem.
0:32:28 > 0:32:29But that's the problem.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32At the moment, the Swiss have their 27-million-dollar machine.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34So there you are.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37Now, what would be the best planet in the solar system
0:32:37 > 0:32:39to take your annual holiday in?
0:32:39 > 0:32:40- BELL RINGS - Or on? Yes?
0:32:40 > 0:32:42Earth.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45Absolutely the right answer, I can frankly say.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47I don't think there could be a better answer.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Well, the great advantage of Earth is that you can survive on it.
0:32:50 > 0:32:51Yes.
0:32:51 > 0:32:52LAUGHTER
0:32:52 > 0:32:55- It's so lovely on a holiday, isn't it?- Yeah, it is, yeah.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58- To be able to breathe air again. - To just live through it. Yeah.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00- SAXOPHONE SQUEAKS - Yeah, exactly. Hello?
0:33:00 > 0:33:01Uranus.
0:33:01 > 0:33:02Why Uranus?
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Because it would be much longer.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07Ah, now, there you're getting very interesting.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10It's about how long a year is or a season is.
0:33:10 > 0:33:11Yeah. How long is a Uranian year?
0:33:11 > 0:33:14A Uranian year is 84 Earth years.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17- 84.- But each day is only 17 hours,
0:33:17 > 0:33:19so again, it spins faster than us.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21So how long would a fortnight be?
0:33:21 > 0:33:22Oh, God! Why am I...?
0:33:22 > 0:33:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:28 > 0:33:29It's a very good question indeed.
0:33:29 > 0:33:3217 x 14 would be a fortnight.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35- Would be a fortnight. - How long is a year on Jupiter then?
0:33:35 > 0:33:38A year is about 12 of our years, but it spins very quickly,
0:33:38 > 0:33:41- so a day on Jupiter is only about ten hours.- Oh.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44- So you might not get a longer holiday, the further away from...- No.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47And I think I'd need those things that go round your wrists,
0:33:47 > 0:33:50so you don't get travel sick, if it's spinning like that.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52That's right. Jupiter is also entirely gas,
0:33:52 > 0:33:53which is not really very nice.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56The shopping and the sightseeing opportunities are amazing.
0:33:56 > 0:34:01A layer of black liquid hydrogen 27,000 miles thick
0:34:01 > 0:34:05crushes carbon into diamonds that are literally the size of the Ritz.
0:34:05 > 0:34:09So you could really get some serious bling from Jupiter.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11- Try to deal with that.- Yeah.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14Sort of that size - a diamond the size of a hotel.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16And another thing that's rather exciting
0:34:16 > 0:34:19is that it precipitates neon rather than water in the atmosphere,
0:34:19 > 0:34:22which creates brilliant bright red rain.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24Which is fabulous, that would be so pretty.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26It would be lovely to go, wouldn't it?
0:34:26 > 0:34:28- That there... - That and a certain death.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31You don't want rain on holiday, though, do you, even if it's bonny?
0:34:31 > 0:34:33That storm, that eye as they call it,
0:34:33 > 0:34:34which is in the middle of Jupiter,
0:34:34 > 0:34:37is about four times the size of the Earth, so that's, you know...
0:34:37 > 0:34:39So essentially, Jupiter's a nightmare,
0:34:39 > 0:34:43because your annual holiday, not only is it a shorter fortnight,
0:34:43 > 0:34:45it only happens once every ten years.
0:34:45 > 0:34:46Yes, quite!
0:34:46 > 0:34:47That is true.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49A very bad choice.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52Venus, on the other hand, rotates incredibly slowly.
0:34:52 > 0:34:56A fortnight's break on Venus would last over 15 years.
0:34:56 > 0:34:57That's how long the days are.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00But you'd need factor 980 there, wouldn't you?
0:35:00 > 0:35:01Oh, the weather is awful.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03It's clouds of sulphuric acid,
0:35:03 > 0:35:07the surface is hot enough to melt aluminium.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09So you'd need really thick flip-flops.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12And the atmospheric pressure
0:35:12 > 0:35:16is equivalent to being half a mile under the sea on Earth.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19The air isn't very fresh, it's mostly carbon dioxide.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22So it really is a bit...
0:35:22 > 0:35:25It's a bit like being in an Ibizan club at about six in the morning.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28- Yuck!- But you'd only want a week there, wouldn't you?
0:35:28 > 0:35:31- You'd only want a week on Venus. - You wouldn't want 15 years.
0:35:31 > 0:35:32I think you're right.
0:35:32 > 0:35:36So, now I have a dubious theory about Alice in Wonderland for you,
0:35:36 > 0:35:38if you're quite interested?
0:35:38 > 0:35:42- NEWSREEL: - 'A dubious theory from Stephen Fry.'
0:35:42 > 0:35:43Yes...
0:35:43 > 0:35:48Alice in Wonderland isn't a wildly imaginative children's fantasy after all -
0:35:48 > 0:35:52it's a bitter, satirical attack on Victorian mathematics.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54Dubious or not?
0:35:54 > 0:35:58Visit aliceschmalice.co.uk to review the evidence
0:35:58 > 0:36:00and decide for yourself.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03- NEWSREEL: - 'A dubious theory from Stephen Fry.'
0:36:04 > 0:36:06I like that one. I like that one a lot.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09It's an interesting theory and there's a book written about it.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12The fact is, as you know, Alice in Wonderland was written by...
0:36:12 > 0:36:15- Lewis Carroll.- Who was, in real life...
0:36:15 > 0:36:16- A dog.- A dog?!
0:36:17 > 0:36:20You're so right, the last letter was wrong.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22- He was a don.- A do-N.- A don.
0:36:22 > 0:36:23A don, that's what you meant.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27- In other words, he was a fellow... - AutoCorrect. AutoCorrect!
0:36:27 > 0:36:28Damn you, AutoCorrect!
0:36:31 > 0:36:34- He was a mathematician at Oxford. - Ah!
0:36:34 > 0:36:37And he was a very conservative, classical mathematician
0:36:37 > 0:36:40he believed in Euclidean geometry and things like that.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42And there was a new world coming into maths
0:36:42 > 0:36:45that would resolve in David Hilbert's famous questions
0:36:45 > 0:36:48and the Poincare Conjecture and Riemann's Hypothesis
0:36:48 > 0:36:51and all the things that Alan Turing and later mathematicians devoted themselves to.
0:36:51 > 0:36:55The invention of the number nine, of course. Very controversial.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59I've never taken to it myself.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02Squeezed it between seven and 10 and...
0:37:02 > 0:37:04- Er, eight and 10, in fact.- Yes.
0:37:05 > 0:37:09- Eight came even later. - Eight came later, that's right.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12- They needed it for the War. - That's right, yeah.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14They needed it for bingo, I think.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17No, but the fact is he didn't like the way that maths
0:37:17 > 0:37:20was becoming so extraordinarily abstract and pure
0:37:20 > 0:37:22and less to do with either symbolic logic,
0:37:22 > 0:37:24which was his particular subject,
0:37:24 > 0:37:28or, as I said, the beauty of plain geometry, which he loved.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31And so this particular author, Melanie Bayley,
0:37:31 > 0:37:35argues that the scenes, particularly the Mad Hatter's tea party,
0:37:35 > 0:37:38the encounter with the hookah-smoking caterpillar
0:37:38 > 0:37:41and the meeting with the Duchess, whose baby turns into a pig,
0:37:41 > 0:37:43all that sort of absolute nonsense,
0:37:43 > 0:37:46he thought, typified modern mathematics.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49And, most of all, he added in the later story of the Cheshire Cat,
0:37:49 > 0:37:51who disappears, leaving only a grin -
0:37:51 > 0:37:53it is a humorous way of making a serious point
0:37:53 > 0:37:57about the futility of abstraction. How can a cat leave a grin behind?
0:37:57 > 0:38:01The cat was brilliantly played in the Tim Burton film by...by, um...
0:38:01 > 0:38:03Who did the voice of the cat? It was SUPERB!
0:38:03 > 0:38:05LAUGHTER
0:38:05 > 0:38:08- Oh, God.- Hugh Laurie! - Hugh Laurie, that it!
0:38:08 > 0:38:10That's it. I knew it was someone good.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13APPLAUSE
0:38:13 > 0:38:15-2,000 points.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19Anyway, Melanie Bayley, the author of this book,
0:38:19 > 0:38:23reminds us that his other works are painfully dull and moralistic
0:38:23 > 0:38:24or very technical works.
0:38:24 > 0:38:28In fact, Queen Victoria read Alice and loved it so much and said,
0:38:28 > 0:38:30"I do hope, Dr Dodgson,
0:38:30 > 0:38:32"that you will dedicate your next book to me."
0:38:32 > 0:38:35So he wrote a book called something like Problems In Symbolic Logic
0:38:35 > 0:38:38and dedicated it to her, Her Majesty, Queen Victoria,
0:38:38 > 0:38:41who must've read it and thought, "What the fuck is this?!"
0:38:41 > 0:38:46- The Queen Victoria Bumper Book Of Boring Maths.- Exactly!
0:38:46 > 0:38:48- "Happy Christmas, Your Majesty." - Anyway...
0:38:48 > 0:38:52She says, this lady, Melanie Bayley, that Dodgson was most witty
0:38:52 > 0:38:55when he was poking fun at something and only then
0:38:55 > 0:38:58when the subject matter truly got him riled,
0:38:58 > 0:39:01whereas we think of him as just an absurdist,
0:39:01 > 0:39:03a kind of surrealist, a master of nonsense.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06Anyway, it's nice to have dubious theories on our J series
0:39:06 > 0:39:09and that's one of them. You can make up your mind yourself.
0:39:09 > 0:39:10Now, it's time for a Jolly Jape,
0:39:10 > 0:39:13this time involving lasers and balloons.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15What can be coming next?
0:39:15 > 0:39:17Here we are.
0:39:17 > 0:39:18And I've got my laser.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21This is one of these things they use, you know,
0:39:21 > 0:39:23I'm going to point it behind me.
0:39:23 > 0:39:27And we're using the smoke because it shows up the laser line.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29- Can you see it there?- Oh, yes.- Yeah.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32I'm deliberately, obviously... They keep shouting in my ear,
0:39:32 > 0:39:34"Don't point it at people's eyes!" I'm not!
0:39:34 > 0:39:37"Don't point it at their fucking eyes!
0:39:38 > 0:39:41"It's fucking dangerous!"
0:39:41 > 0:39:45The thing is, he knows he's the one who's going to be fired.
0:39:46 > 0:39:47But there you are,
0:39:47 > 0:39:50you can see reasonably well that there is a laser light there.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52The lighting men are going, "Aaargh!"
0:39:54 > 0:39:57This is ordinary laser light, the kind you'd use to...
0:39:57 > 0:40:00At conferences to point on maps and all the rest of it.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02And I'm just going to press the laser here and...
0:40:02 > 0:40:04- Oh!- Ohh!- And...
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Oh! And...
0:40:06 > 0:40:07Oh! And...
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Green, wow, cool! Ooooh.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13Nothing. It's not popping, though.
0:40:13 > 0:40:17- Weird.- So, the black ones pop and the white one doesn't. Alan...
0:40:17 > 0:40:20- Racist.- You should have a...
0:40:20 > 0:40:22LAUGHTER
0:40:22 > 0:40:27That doesn't even begin to make sense. It's just...
0:40:27 > 0:40:29I want you...
0:40:29 > 0:40:31Take your black marker, please,
0:40:31 > 0:40:32and can you make a black target
0:40:32 > 0:40:34roughly in the centre of the balloon,
0:40:34 > 0:40:38I'm going to let you press the button, as a reward, if you do it sensibly.
0:40:38 > 0:40:39So, do a big...
0:40:39 > 0:40:41The temptation to draw a cock and balls is overwhelming.
0:40:41 > 0:40:46I know! A big black spot, so it'll work. Just there.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48And fill it in as black as you can.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51- Talk amongst yourselves. - That's right.- Colouring in.
0:40:51 > 0:40:55If you'd worked for Blue Peter, you'd know how to do that while presenting to camera.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58- Oh, yes, sorry. - Yeah! There, you see, exactly.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01I haven't done a cock and balls and I know you're disappointed.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04- They're not.- This is the back of Stephen Fry's head.
0:41:04 > 0:41:08- Yeah, it is actually not unlike. OK. - Will that do it, do you think?
0:41:08 > 0:41:10- I reckon that's black enough. - Is that black enough?
0:41:10 > 0:41:14We know that black absorbs light and heat and white we know reflects it.
0:41:14 > 0:41:19And we saw that the laser had enough energy to burst the black balloon.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22So all you have to do, just leave it there,
0:41:22 > 0:41:24it should be pointing in the right direction.
0:41:24 > 0:41:25- Oh!- Hooray!
0:41:28 > 0:41:30There we are, well done.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32Very enjoyable.
0:41:32 > 0:41:33Victory.
0:41:33 > 0:41:38So what was Darth Vader thinking with that?!
0:41:38 > 0:41:41You see, the dark side will always lose.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44- Yeah.- Absolutely right. Well, that brings us to the scores!
0:41:44 > 0:41:48Amazingly and finally, and there is no minus score.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50Ooh. AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:41:50 > 0:41:52- Wow! In first place... - ALAN CHUCKLES
0:41:52 > 0:41:54- In first place... - Patronising bastards!
0:41:54 > 0:41:58LAUGHTER
0:41:58 > 0:42:00APPLAUSE
0:42:00 > 0:42:02I've had points before!
0:42:02 > 0:42:06In first place... In first place, aided by a first-class brain
0:42:06 > 0:42:09and, of course, divine assistance,
0:42:09 > 0:42:11with 23 points, is Richard Coles!
0:42:11 > 0:42:13APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:16 > 0:42:17Yep.
0:42:18 > 0:42:21Sorry, I'd like to give my points to the poor.
0:42:21 > 0:42:25Oh, what a holy man of God. Yeah, boos from the atheists.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27We know he's only teasing.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30In second place, with plus 13, is David Mitchell.
0:42:30 > 0:42:32APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:34 > 0:42:38In third place, with eight points, is Sarah.
0:42:38 > 0:42:39Well done, Sarah Millican.
0:42:39 > 0:42:41Thank you. Glad I'm not last.
0:42:43 > 0:42:48And it's not minus! In last place, with zero, is Alan Davies.
0:42:48 > 0:42:50CHEERING AND WHOOPING
0:42:55 > 0:42:57- Well, there you are... - It's not a plus.
0:42:57 > 0:43:03That's all from Sarah, David, Richard, Alan and me.
0:43:03 > 0:43:06Thank you, good night and be excellent unto each other. Bye-bye.
0:43:12 > 0:43:15Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd