0:00:25 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho ho-ho-ho,
0:00:35 > 0:00:36ho-ho-ho,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40and welcome to QI for the J series Christmas Special,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43which is, of course, called Jingle Bells.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46And just look at my lovely, shiny baubles -
0:00:46 > 0:00:48the sparkling Danny Baker...
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Thank you, good evening.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:56..the twinkling Sarah Millican...
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Yay!
0:00:58 > 0:01:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:04..the glittering Phill Jupitus...
0:01:04 > 0:01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:11..and...
0:01:11 > 0:01:14GLASS BREAKS
0:01:14 > 0:01:16..oh, dear, he's fallen off the tree - Alan Davies.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:22 > 0:01:26So, jingle your bells, please. Sarah goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:27TINKLE
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Danny goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:31SLEIGH BELLS
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Lovely. Phill goes...
0:01:33 > 0:01:35CHURCH BELLS
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Wow. And Alan goes...
0:01:40 > 0:01:42'The bells, the bells!'
0:01:42 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Very good. So now, first question.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52It's a musical question. Where did Beethoven put his Jingling Johnny?
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- TINKLE - Yes, Sarah?
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Mrs Beethoven.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01LAUGHTER
0:02:01 > 0:02:03APPLAUSE
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Somebody had to say it.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Yeah, well...
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Jingling Johnny? - Yes. What do you think?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I can't imagine a Jingling Johnny, and it's something
0:02:14 > 0:02:17that the good folk at Durex have obviously missed out on.
0:02:17 > 0:02:23A seasonal range, that actually... You know, with a bell in the um...
0:02:23 > 0:02:26LAUGHTER
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- With holly round it. - Yeah. Be nice.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33I'll take that copy of Fifty Shades Of Grey away from you.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35We've started our family Christmas show just as I hoped we would(!)
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- Exactly.- Yes, merry Christmas...
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- His Jingling Johnny, what might it be?- ..Tiny Tim.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41A triangle?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Well, you're in the right area.- Ah.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44It's an instrument.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Other composers, Haydn's 100th Symphony uses a Jingling Johnny.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Berlioz was extremely fond of them, as was John Philip Sousa.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- And I even have one. - Is it a cow bell?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57It's rather more complex than that. It's this...
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- Wow!- That is a Jingling Johnny. It's a large...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03BELLS JINGLE
0:03:03 > 0:03:05That would make your eyes water, wouldn't it?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08You were supposed to not bring any props from the Hobbit back.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:13APPLAUSE
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Seriously, seriously - I can see you...
0:03:17 > 0:03:20You could go to Stonehenge next summer solstice
0:03:20 > 0:03:23and you could own the joint with that!
0:03:23 > 0:03:28Um, it was used as a marching... "Ch-ching-ch-ching."
0:03:28 > 0:03:32You up-and-down it, with a march, up and down.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34That's it, yes.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37The army that used these began with J
0:03:37 > 0:03:41and has a connection with Vienna, the Siege of Vienna,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- if that means anything historically to you.- As opposed to...
0:03:44 > 0:03:49# The feeling has gone, only you and I, this means nothing to me... #
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Not... Yeah.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54# Oh, Vienna... #
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Usually...
0:03:56 > 0:03:59It's not Ultravox, it's earlier than that, Vienna...
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Very good popular culture remembered.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04It's good that I should know that, I don't know how I knew that, either.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Between Vienna and the East,
0:04:06 > 0:04:10the whole of that part of Eastern Europe was owned by an empire.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- Ottoman Empire?- Ottoman Empire.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Their elite corps was called Janissaries.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19And the Janissaries used these as they marched.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21And Beethoven used it in one of his most famous compositions,
0:04:21 > 0:04:26his Ninth Symphony, the Choral Symphony, he uses a Jingling Johnny.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30And Hector Berlioz, one of the great French composers, claimed that
0:04:30 > 0:04:35"The shaking of its sonorous locks added brilliancy to marching music."
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Ah, I believe that it was later taken up, wasn't it, by...
0:04:38 > 0:04:42On the X-Factor, it's how they...?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45# Buddy you're a boy, make a big noise... #
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Take it away, it's compulsive.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I think I'd better take it away from you.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51- It's the Casio of its day. - It is. There are other...
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Casio?!
0:04:53 > 0:04:58There are other instruments of this nature.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Buskers make their own versions.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01There's a thing called the lagerphone,
0:05:01 > 0:05:05it's an Australian version where the ringing noise is made by,
0:05:05 > 0:05:06can you guess?
0:05:06 > 0:05:07- Lager cans.- Oh, yeah, bottle tops.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Yeah, crowns, the crowns of bottle tops, yeah, exactly.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13There are other names for it in other languages, obviously.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15The Dutch have the Kuttepiel and the Monkey Stick.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17And, in Newfoundland,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19they actually have something called the Ugly Stick, oddly enough.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21The bumbass and the bladder fiddle,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24which are versions that have a string attached that you pluck.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27If you'd like me just to show you the majesty of Baker.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Name a '70s single that harnessed one of those instruments?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Er, Terry Dactyl And The Dinosaurs, Seaside Shuffle.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Baker. - Wow!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39APPLAUSE
0:05:44 > 0:05:46It's like being in the room with Max Planck and Einstein
0:05:46 > 0:05:49while they're talking physics.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Which instrument was it?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54It was, they used the zob stick, which was what they called it,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56which was the bottle toppy... # Da-da-da... #
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Yes, they did. Terry Dactyl And The Dinosaurs.
0:05:59 > 0:06:04You guys, you guys! But anyway, that was the Jingling Johnny.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05So, moving on.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- How long does the Minute Waltz last? - Ah!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- You see, this show has been on for ten years now.- It's a double bluff.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Yeah, it's one of them, isn't it?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- 60 seconds.- No!
0:06:18 > 0:06:19KLAXON BLARES
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- It's a shame.- It is a shame.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24It ought to be one which is a double bluff, shouldn't it?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Is it going to be 61 seconds?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Yeah, like a baker's dozen, will it be like that, like 70 seconds?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- No, it isn't that. - Just a little bit more?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- KLAXON BLARES - Oh!
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- I didn't say that!- It's Christmas!
0:06:36 > 0:06:38It's Christmas, Mr Scrooge.
0:06:40 > 0:06:46- Be of good cheer.- I'm sorry, Sarah Cratchit, you must stay on.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- No, the fact is...- An hour.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- A fortnight!- A fortnight! I like the idea of a fortnight.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Ages.- No, it's almost my fault, except it isn't -
0:06:57 > 0:07:02it's universally accepted that it is called the Minute Waltz, but...
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- It's actually the Mi-nute Waltz. - Yes!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Oh! The points are back!
0:07:08 > 0:07:12It was originally called, by... Who wrote it, by the way?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Phill, who wrote that?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- Who wrote that?- Oh, no, no.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Would you like to hear a piece of it? It might give you a hint.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21MUSIC: "The Minute Waltz"
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Chopin.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Very good! It's Chopin.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:28 > 0:07:30It's Frederic Chopin.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Everyone calls it the Minute Waltz,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35but it was actually called the Mi-nute Waltz. The Tiny Waltz.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Because it was originally called the Little Dog Waltz.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41It was inspired by watching a little dog watching its own tail.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42And he wrote the piece.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44And you CAN play in 60 seconds.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46If you do so, it's almost inaudible.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48It would be an act of great virtuosity.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Liberace cut out what he called "the boring bits"
0:07:51 > 0:07:54and played it in 37 seconds.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55But, generally speaking,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58it takes quite a lot longer than a minute to play.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01But there is a Guinness record for the fastest pianist -
0:08:01 > 0:08:04the greatest number of notes played in a minute.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05PHILL: 700.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- 700?- Yeah.- 700 in a minute? Bloody hell.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Yeah, that would be... He'd be a good Morse coder, wouldn't he?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- He's got ten fingers! - No, no, with one finger.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- Oh.- Oh.- Oh! - This is playing with one finger.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17Nine.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21It's 498.
0:08:21 > 0:08:26- Really?!- 498 notes in one minute. With one finger on one note.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29His name was Balazs Havasi, he was Hungarian.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Imagine if he'd had the other nine fingers - what he could have done!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37I bet Mrs Havasi was delighted!
0:08:37 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Ahh!
0:08:47 > 0:08:49God bless us, everyone!
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Chopin, as it happened, was one of those people...
0:08:53 > 0:08:57It's common amongst sportsmen, I believe, boxing managers
0:08:57 > 0:09:01and rowing coaches always recommend that before the day
0:09:01 > 0:09:07of an important race or fight, you do not release your precious fluid.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- Yes.- If you're male. And Chopin believed that.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13He thought ejaculation weakened the creative impulse.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16He died of TB, he died consumption,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19and in his last days, he coughed blood onto the piano keys,
0:09:19 > 0:09:21which is one of the great romantic images.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24He was Polish, of course, but spent most of his time in Paris.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26With his lover, whose name was...?
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Dave.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- George.- George, sorry. I get them mixed up.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- But she was a woman. - She was a woman.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35George Sand, the great French writer.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38They had this turbulent and extraordinary affair.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40And he died very young, with blood on the piano. Truly sad.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Oscar Wilde said, "After playing Chopin, I feel as if
0:09:43 > 0:09:47"I have been weeping over sins that I have never committed."
0:09:47 > 0:09:48Which is rather beautiful.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50But he is many people's favourite composer
0:09:50 > 0:09:53because he is so utterly, achingly romantic.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Who sang the first advertising jingle,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59as it's Jingle Bells day today?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- Wasn't it...the, no? - Not Marconi himself, surely?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Marconi. "Hey, radio is the way forward."
0:10:05 > 0:10:08"Hey, hey, pop-that-hasn't-been-invented-yet pickers,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10"this is Marconi."
0:10:10 > 0:10:14I was at a party at the BBC and I sat next to Marconi's widow.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18I have touched the wife of the man who invented radio.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21That does seem weird, doesn't it, that she was still alive?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- Where did you touch her? - Did she mind? Yeah.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27She had been a young girl and he was quite an old man
0:10:27 > 0:10:30when they married, but nonetheless, it's weird to think that
0:10:30 > 0:10:32I could have met the inventor of radio's wife anywhere.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34But the first jingle wasn't on the radio.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Oh, music hall?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Well, no. The first people ever to sing jingles would have been,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41as it were, you and me.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45They were written in newspapers and on pieces of paper with products.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47There would be the music written out with the words,
0:10:47 > 0:10:49so that you would sing it to yourself.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51So you bought a packet of cigarettes and it went,
0:10:51 > 0:10:55# I'm smoking cigarettes, I'm a man... # Whatever.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Because this was 20 years before they invented radio,
0:10:58 > 0:11:00you know, we're talking about the 1870s and '80s.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Of course, a lot of people had little pianos
0:11:02 > 0:11:04in their front parlours,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06and they would get round and sing the, you know,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08the Wrigley's song, or whatever it was.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10And so the first people ever to sing jingles would have been
0:11:10 > 0:11:12the members of the public themselves.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Have you heard the Von Moltke?
0:11:13 > 0:11:17There's a wax cylinder of Von Moltke, the German general,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20and it's the only recorded voice of someone born in the 18th century.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23He was born in 1798. You can hear his voice.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25That is extraordinary, isn't it?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I remember, I had the good fortune to meet Alistair Cook,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29the great broadcaster. He said, "Shake my hand,"
0:11:29 > 0:11:32he said, "You're shaking the hand of someone who shook the hand of
0:11:32 > 0:11:35"Bertrand Russell, the philosopher." And I said, "Wow, that's amazing.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38He said, "Oh, no, no, that's not too strange."
0:11:38 > 0:11:41He said, "What's strange is that Bertrand Russell's aunt
0:11:41 > 0:11:43"danced with Napoleon."
0:11:43 > 0:11:46So I shook the hand of someone who shook the hand of someone
0:11:46 > 0:11:48whose aunt danced with Napoleon.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Wow!
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- It is pretty amazing, isn't it? - That is something, yeah.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Let's go round the table. This hand shook the hand of John Lennon.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56- Oh, wow.- That's good.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58And to him, yeah.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Wow, there we are, we're passing it on.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Yeah, Louie Spence, I've shook his hand.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Oh! Fantastic.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Go on...
0:12:11 > 0:12:12- OK.- Go on, then.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- River Phoenix.- River Phoenix.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Ooh.- Oh, good.- Here we go.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Er...
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- Jennifer Lopez. - Wow, that's a goodie.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- And if you were coming across here? - Here we go.- Oh, OK.- Alan Davies.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Whoa! You've gone and trumped us all, haven't you?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33My aunt and uncle are very close to Jesus.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Yes.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37So back right off, all of you.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- Oh, there you go. But do you... - Especially today.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Jesus is still alive, so that doesn't really count.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Of course. He's behind you.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Whoa!
0:12:45 > 0:12:46And in front.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47And, and it's his birthday!
0:12:47 > 0:12:50ALL: Hey!
0:12:50 > 0:12:52ALAN MIMICS KLAXON
0:12:52 > 0:12:54But radio...
0:12:54 > 0:12:56radio jingles, on the other hand,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58appeared in the 1920s, as a way, oddly,
0:12:58 > 0:13:02to get round NBC's rule that you couldn't advertise directly,
0:13:02 > 0:13:06but what you could do is sing songs which had the sponsor's name in.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09And the show could even be named after the sponsor,
0:13:09 > 0:13:11so like...
0:13:11 > 0:13:14This is Rudy Vallee, a famous performer in his day,
0:13:14 > 0:13:18he had an NBC show called Fleischmann's Yeast Hour.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22LAUGHTER
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Thankfully, that was followed by Perkins' Yoghurt Half-Hour.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30And it was the Sunshine Vitamin Yeast jingle was,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33they consider, probably one of the very first jingles.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Do you use jingles on your show?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I use vintage ones, the Ovaltinies one, cheers everybody up.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- Ovaltine is a great famous one.- And ones from the early '60s, you know?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43"Sorry, mate, you're too late, the best peas went to Farrows,"
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- which, again, is a beautiful bit of copyright.- Oh, yes.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Hang on a minute, this is one... # Boom-boom-boom-boom. #
0:13:49 > 0:13:50- Esso Blue.- There we go. - Yeah, I know.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52It's mad, the things that stay in your head.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Ho-ho-ho...
0:13:54 > 0:13:55ALL: # Green Giant. #
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Free advertising on the BBC. Ah, there we go.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05We're just going to be thigh-deep in paraffin and corn, me and Alan.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08They're going to send you all kinds of free ones.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10So now, what is that one for that malt whisky
0:14:10 > 0:14:13that I was just trying to remember? No, but anyway...
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Arguably, the first jinglist was actually a heretic called Arius.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18He didn't believe in the Trinity.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21This may not seem very relevant to us, but in this period, around 324,
0:14:21 > 0:14:25they had the Council of Nicaea and his doctrine was formally condemned
0:14:25 > 0:14:27but his way of spreading what he believed
0:14:27 > 0:14:30to be the truth about Christ was in little songs.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31One was...
0:14:31 > 0:14:33"If you want the Logos Doctrine..."
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Logos being "the word".
0:14:35 > 0:14:37"I can serve hot and hot
0:14:37 > 0:14:38"God begat Him
0:14:38 > 0:14:40"And before he was begotten
0:14:40 > 0:14:41"He was not."
0:14:41 > 0:14:44In other words, Christ didn't exist until his Father gave birth to him,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47which runs counter to Catholic dogma.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49And so he apparently died -
0:14:49 > 0:14:52the evidence is the picture in the background -
0:14:52 > 0:14:54- of a rectal prolapse.- Oh, yes! - Supposedly...
0:14:54 > 0:14:56GROANS
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Looks like somebody mooning him in the picture.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Oh, oh!
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- Oh!- "Yeah, that'll teach you to be heretical!"
0:15:05 > 0:15:08"Yes, don't mess with me, or your bum will fall out.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14"Hi, God here. Heard that jingle the other day.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16"Not so snappy now, is it?
0:15:16 > 0:15:20"Now you're there with your intestines coiled around your ankles,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- "you feel a bit of a dick. - All right.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25The first jingles were actually written down
0:15:25 > 0:15:27so you had to sing the jingle to yourself.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31But what was Jingle Bells written to celebrate?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- The end of a war? - No, it wasn't that.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- End of a famine.- No.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36The beginning of a famine.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38LAUGHTER
0:15:39 > 0:15:43The arrival of the first member of the Ku Klux Klan in Iceland.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- It does look a bit like that, doesn't it?- Christmas.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49- No, not Christmas. - KLAXON BLARES
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- One of these days, there'll be a double bluff.- There will be.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54We do have double bluffs concealed within.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56It was written by a man whose nephew
0:15:56 > 0:15:59went on to become the richest man in America.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03- Rockefeller.- Er, no, J Pierpont Morgan, the great banker.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06But his uncle lived in Massachusetts
0:16:06 > 0:16:09and, in 1857, he wrote a song.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12And it was to celebrate a winter festival that takes place in America,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- not Christmas.- Thanksgiving?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Thanksgiving, exactly.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21And he wrote the song and its real name was not Jingle Bells, but...?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- Turkey Legs?- Jingle Balls?- No.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24It's a line from the song.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Jungle Bells?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28It's a line FROM THE SONG.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Jingle All The Way?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33One-Horse Open Sleigh is the name of the song.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36It's called One-Horse Open Sleigh and he played it...
0:16:36 > 0:16:38- HE MUMBLES JINGLE BELLS - # One-horse open sleigh... #
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Yes, that's the one. That's right.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43ALAN CONTINUES MUMBLING
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Your mother will be coming to visit tomorrow!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER
0:16:47 > 0:16:49I'm going to sit you in front...
0:16:49 > 0:16:52# Jingle bells, jingle bells
0:16:52 > 0:16:53# Batman smells... #
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Oh, that's the one.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Anyway, people loved the tune and it became a big Christmas hit.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Can I ask a question about the picture?- Yes.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Is the horse bleeding from the eyes?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- It does look a bit like it. - It does. It doesn't look well.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10It's a rather freely-painted mane, isn't it?
0:17:10 > 0:17:14But there's a happy, frisky dog and it's a Christmassy scene.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16But while we're on something to do with songs,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19what do you think was the first song ever played in space?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Oh, Silent Night?
0:17:21 > 0:17:22It wasn't Silent Night.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24These are the two astronauts who played it.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Their names are Walter, or Wally, Schirra Jr
0:17:27 > 0:17:30and Thomas P Stafford and they were part of the project
0:17:30 > 0:17:33before the Apollo project, which was called the Gemini Project.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35And they were on Gemini 6.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38And this is quite a wicked thing for them to do,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41given that they were under military orders, working for NASA.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45They smuggled aboard two musical instruments.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Which is quite a lot, cos that's payload, you know -
0:17:47 > 0:17:51the amount of fuel that they use is calculated virtually to the ounce.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Were they two tubas?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54No!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58That would've been really impressive!
0:17:58 > 0:17:59A euphonium!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02It was a church organ and a gamelan.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06ALAN IMITATES A TUBA
0:18:08 > 0:18:11They were at least small enough to smuggle in. But what happened was...
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- SPANISH ACCENT:- The castanets!
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Their re-entry was on the 16th of December.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20As they were working out their angle of re-entry,
0:18:20 > 0:18:22they sent this message to Houston.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24They said, "Houston, we have an object.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27"Looks like a satellite going from North to South,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29"probably in polar orbit.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32"Looks like he might be going to re-enter soon. You might just...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34"Let me pick up that thing.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38"I see a command module and eight smaller modules in front.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42"The pilot of the command module is wearing a red suit."
0:18:42 > 0:18:44And then they got out what they'd smuggled,
0:18:44 > 0:18:48which was a harmonica and sleigh bells and played Jingle Bells.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52But just for a second, Houston were going, "Oh, my God!"
0:18:52 > 0:18:54So he is real, then?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Well, I've heard that...
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Talking about NASA and practical jokes, but that craft that
0:19:05 > 0:19:08we sent out into the universe with the big steel...
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Oh, the Voyager.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12The Voyager with the big circular explanations of all life.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Yes, with the disc.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16It's got Chuck Berry on it and all kinds of things.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17And a fella said,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"We also put on, to broadcast out, the Shave And A Haircut."
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Literally a sound that goes...
0:19:21 > 0:19:23HE TAPS OUT SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT
0:19:23 > 0:19:27And they figure that any intelligent life couldn't leave it there
0:19:27 > 0:19:30and one day they're going to get back...
0:19:30 > 0:19:31- KNOCKS TWICE - ..and go, "Yes!"
0:19:33 > 0:19:34So there we are.
0:19:34 > 0:19:39Now, can you explain the Jesus Christ Dinosaur Hypothesis?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Why might you call anything a Jesus-something?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Amongst the properties of Jesus, if you...
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- A walk on water. - Walking on water, that's the one.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50That's the one. Now, there's a particular kind of dinosaur,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53a sort of intermediate dinosaur between birds and dinosaurs,
0:19:53 > 0:19:57150 million years ago, which, in dinosaur terms
0:19:57 > 0:19:59is quite recent, it was not long before they were all wiped out.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01There is a picture.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Oh, isn't it beautiful? like all the dinosaurs.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04They're pretty amazing.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Do you know what that one was called?
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Dave.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10One day the answer might be Dave,
0:20:10 > 0:20:14one day the answer might be blue whale, it's going to be...
0:20:14 > 0:20:15What I'm looking forward to is
0:20:15 > 0:20:18when we have a blue whale called Dave and you DON'T get it.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:22They're called Archaeopteryx.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25And all the fossils for Archaeopteryx, oddly enough,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28are found in a place where there was a sea,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31but there was absolutely no evidence of any trees,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34therefore, it seemed very odd as to how they would fly.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39And there is a suggestion that what they did was they ran on water,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42rather in the way that swans, when they're about to take off...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Let's have a look at a swan about to take off,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46you'll get the idea of what I mean.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48They sort of, like that. It's a beautiful sight.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50They can really run along the water.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51PHILL MAKES ENGINE NOISE
0:20:51 > 0:20:54They think that's what the Archaeopteryx might have done.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57And there are other animals today, still exist,
0:20:57 > 0:20:59that are called the Jesus-something, because they run on water.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- Can you think of any examples? - Well, there's a lizard.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04There's a Jesus lizard, you might want to see a
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Jesus lizard having a bit of a go.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07The Jesus cow.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09LAUGHTER
0:21:10 > 0:21:12I would pay big money to see a Jesus cow.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15So would I. I'd get one of my own.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18How that works is they blow up their own udders really big.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Oh, like Space Hoppers!
0:21:25 > 0:21:29There's something very Glen Larson about that, isn't there?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32But the Jesus lizard can get up to about 20 metres, which is not bad.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Obviously when they stop, they sink, I mean,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37so it's all about the fact that they are literally walking
0:21:37 > 0:21:39or indeed in their case, running, on water.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41They strike the water and they slap it and they go through.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- What else runs on water? - In Jamaica there's one,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46that would have been written about by James Bond.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Bob Marley used to run on water.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49This one would have been...
0:21:49 > 0:21:52"Rita, me going for a run 'pon de lake.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57"Hold me chalice while I run on de water."
0:21:59 > 0:22:01"No woman no drown."
0:22:03 > 0:22:05I'm full of cultural references at the moment.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08This particular one would have been written about by James Bond.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Where did Ian Fleming get the name James Bond?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- From note paper. - No. He had a book.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19He lived in Jamaica and he had a selection of books on Jamaica.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22And there was a book called The Birds of Jamaica,
0:22:22 > 0:22:23by a man called James Bond.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- Oh.- And that's where he got the name for his hero.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28And so this man, James Bond, would certainly have
0:22:28 > 0:22:30written about the Jacana, which is a Jesus bird, also called
0:22:30 > 0:22:33the Jesus bird, for its apparent ability to walk on water.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35He gets all the credit, and why not for James Bond?
0:22:35 > 0:22:39But let's never forget he also wrote Chitty Bang Bang, Ian Fleming wrote Chitty Bang Bang.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Yes, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43And a character in that was called Caractacus Potts,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I didn't understand that joke for years.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- Potts, isn't that wonderful? - What's the joke?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50LAUGHTER
0:22:50 > 0:22:52He was a crack-pot, he was an inventor.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- Crack-pot.- Oh, a crack-pot! - Yeah. I know.- Ah.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Are you a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang fan?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I haven't watched it since I was a child,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- cos I think that's when you're supposed to watch it.- Supposed to.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Do you know, that's girls, you see, little girls grow up to be women
0:23:05 > 0:23:07and little boys grow up to be big little boys.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- We've got too much stuff to do. - We still watch children's films.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11- Do you have children, though?- No.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Ah, well, yes, when you do then remember...
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- No, no, no, no. - You plan not to?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18No. There's no "when", Stephen.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19- There's no...?- No.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21You're not going to adopt a little...shiny little baby?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23A shiny one?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25LAUGHTER
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Are they varnished? Can I varnish one?
0:23:27 > 0:23:31I don't know. They might be more attractive if they're shiny.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33It's not my field, I don't...
0:23:33 > 0:23:36And then Stephen revealed his plans for a child-buffing workshop.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38LAUGHTER
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Where craftsmen will get toddlers to a high sheen.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49"More, more lacquer, little boy?"
0:23:51 > 0:23:54PHILL IMITATES MACHINE NOISE
0:23:56 > 0:24:01"Baaa. You're the shiniest one.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05"We shall put you in the Harrods window."
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Oh, stop it!
0:24:06 > 0:24:09"I'm still alive in here, I'm still alive in here."
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- "Why, I can see..." - "Help me!"
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"I can see my face in your face. It's..."
0:24:14 > 0:24:15MACHINE NOISE
0:24:15 > 0:24:18You might have changed my mind, I thought they were very matt,
0:24:18 > 0:24:19I had no idea.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Nice shiny little baby, I think they're lovely.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Although, slightly put off by the idea of the child-buffing...
0:24:25 > 0:24:28LAUGHTER
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Thank you for that, so much.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Let me take you back now to your childhood and innocence.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- You remember all those white Christmases?- No.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- No?- Oh, OK. I remember one.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- Yeah.- 1971.
0:24:46 > 0:24:481970. The January was '71.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- There you go. - Christmas itself was 1970.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Had you said "yes" I would buzz you,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55cos you don't remember any, cos you're from the Southeast.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57You might remember a few more, cos South Shields has had more.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- We've actually tried to work out... - Have you? Good.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01..how many white Christmases you've had.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03We think you might have had them
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- when you were one, three, four, five, six and nine.- Wow.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- Which is actually quite a lot. - That is quite a lot.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Because in the whole of the 20th Century, if you lived in London
0:25:11 > 0:25:14and the Southeast, there were only four white Christmases.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15- Ha-ha!- I know!
0:25:16 > 0:25:18It is extraordinary.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23And they were in 1927, 1938, 1970 and 1981.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25As we know, in the 21st century, we've had a few.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29But what's important about this is that in the early part of
0:25:29 > 0:25:34the 19th century, around about 1812 to 1820, there were eight in a row.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Oh.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Now, why was that important to our culture?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Is that when the song was written?
0:25:40 > 0:25:44No. A certain child was born in 1812. We will...
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Jesus.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:48Mormon!
0:25:48 > 0:25:51You really do need a little bit of a religious education.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53This was an author, a writer whose created idea...
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- Charles Dickens. - Oh, OK, Dickens, yeah.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Charles Dickens. For the first eight years of his life,
0:25:58 > 0:26:00it always snowed on Christmas Day.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03And so whenever he mentions Christmas, not just
0:26:03 > 0:26:06in A Christmas Carol, but in several other novels, it's always snowing,
0:26:06 > 0:26:10and this helped the myth in British culture of a snowy Christmas.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14He also lived at a time known as the Little Ice Age, you know this,
0:26:14 > 0:26:18- I'm sure you've seen paintings of fairs on the River Thames.- Yeah.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20There were times when the River Thames froze so solidly they
0:26:20 > 0:26:23would have fairs, not just fairs, they'd have bonfires on the ice.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Those crazy Cockneys.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Yes. But that they could guarantee...
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- "Light a fire up!"- Yeah. - "It's freezing!"
0:26:30 > 0:26:33"Let's light a fire on the river on the ice.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35"What could possibly go wrong?"
0:26:35 > 0:26:37The odd thing is...
0:26:37 > 0:26:39"It's cold on the ice, innit?" "Yes!"
0:26:39 > 0:26:42"Let's light a fire and drill 'oles!"
0:26:42 > 0:26:44But the odd thing is, nothing did go wrong,
0:26:44 > 0:26:45because it was so thick, the ice.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49The last frost fair, as they were called, was in 1813/14,
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- on the frozen River Thames.- Wow.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53But anyway, this century we've had more white Christmases,
0:26:53 > 0:26:57as we know, but only four in the entire 20th Century,
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- and only two in our lifetimes.- Yeah. - More in Scotland.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02I'm really being very metro-centric here and I apologise for that.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04But that's just the fact of the matter.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07So describe a typical snowflake.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08Six-sided.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11No, it is an odd misconception that people have
0:27:11 > 0:27:13that snowflakes have two properties -
0:27:13 > 0:27:15one is that they're hexagonal, six-sided.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- They're cold. They're made of snow. - That is true.- They're white.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- I'm talking about the common fallacies.- Oh.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Right, the fallacies are...
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Well, I'm trying to describe a typical snowflake, Stephen.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Yeah. Oh, bless.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29I'm sorry. I didn't mean to slap you down.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Oh, I feel like a puppy's run into a mirror.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35LAUGHTER
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I'm sorry. Er...
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Um... Another misconception about them is not just they're six-sided
0:27:43 > 0:27:45but that they're always...?
0:27:45 > 0:27:47- ..falling from the sky.- No.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- Those are all accurate. - Symmetrical?- Symmetrical.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53And they are not, exactly. Yes, they're neither...
0:27:53 > 0:27:56They can be like this, they can be needle-shaped,
0:27:56 > 0:27:58they can be those, with little square ends on the end.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02But the fact is, it's just photographers have found
0:28:02 > 0:28:06that people are incredibly drawn to beautiful, hexagonal ones.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09And they're the ones that a schoolchild learns about
0:28:09 > 0:28:13and they are mistakenly told that that's what all snowflakes are like.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16So, there we are. You can, however, make artificial snowflakes.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19I'm now going to bamboozle and astound you
0:28:19 > 0:28:20with my tray of delights.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24Here we are. It's an ordinary tray. I've got here water...
0:28:24 > 0:28:26- and I have...- Cocaine?
0:28:26 > 0:28:27..Peruvian cocaine. No, stop it.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29LAUGHTER
0:28:29 > 0:28:33It's just a dry powder called sodium polyacrylate
0:28:33 > 0:28:35and it is found in what you might call an ordinary...
0:28:35 > 0:28:40- Custard.- What you might call an ordinary household object.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43I'm holding up here, for the first time in my life, a nappy.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47And, if I rip this open, under the cotton wool,
0:28:47 > 0:28:49if I just sort of give it a little bit of a rub here,
0:28:49 > 0:28:52you might just see in my hand there is some of this...
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Can you see it there? Yeah, some of this powder.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58This powder is so extraordinary - it can take on water,
0:28:58 > 0:29:01200 to 300 times its mass,
0:29:01 > 0:29:04and absorb it, which is why these work so well.
0:29:04 > 0:29:08And to prove it, here's all of this water being poured into here.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10And you'll see...
0:29:10 > 0:29:15it actually takes the whole lot in like that, all of this...
0:29:15 > 0:29:16here...
0:29:16 > 0:29:17is dry.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21It's dry and it's cold.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24And that is completely dry.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26Now, this is incredibly useful.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29We have a leading company in Britain that does something better than
0:29:29 > 0:29:33anyone else in the film business and that is they make, guess what?
0:29:33 > 0:29:35- Fake snow.- Artificial snow.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39And the company's name is, not surprisingly, Snow Business.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43And they make... 40, 50, 60 types of different snow, this company makes.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45And one of them uses this same chemical effect.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48It is rather remarkable. This is completely dry.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50- That's in nappies? - And that's in nappies.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52That's what absorbs the amount of...
0:29:52 > 0:29:54You see nappies all over beaches and in the ocean,
0:29:54 > 0:29:57I'm surprised you can't walk to France by now!
0:29:58 > 0:30:01Babies would be like the Incredible Hulk
0:30:01 > 0:30:04and just bursting out of their clothes, wouldn't they?
0:30:04 > 0:30:07I agree. It sort of puffs it up a bit, but it stays dry.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09- Did you like your little chemistry lesson?- Loved it!
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Hooray! Thank you very much.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13APPLAUSE
0:30:13 > 0:30:17Well... So, anyway,
0:30:17 > 0:30:20what's the best thing to do with your old Christmas tree?
0:30:20 > 0:30:22TINKLE
0:30:22 > 0:30:23- Yes?- I just...
0:30:23 > 0:30:26I put mine back in the spare room.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30I do, and I just, it's still fully decorated.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33- I just unplug it.- Oh, so you have an artificial one?- Of course.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36- Oh, I see.- I just unplug it and then put it all in,
0:30:36 > 0:30:39so in my spare room it's always Christmas.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41AUDIENCE: Aww...
0:30:41 > 0:30:45Well, imagine if it was a real tree, rather than an artificial one.
0:30:45 > 0:30:46Sell it to Africans?
0:30:46 > 0:30:49Cos according to Bob Geldof, they don't know when it's Christmas.
0:30:49 > 0:30:50And you...
0:30:50 > 0:30:52LAUGHTER
0:30:52 > 0:30:55So, oh, here's a tree, when you've finished with it.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57But when you've finished with it, it's too late.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00- It won't be Christmas. - No, they don't know, do they?
0:31:00 > 0:31:01They do know when it's January.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04But do they know it's Christmas time at all? No.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06You're compounding the felony. Well, it's rather pleasing.
0:31:06 > 0:31:10It's actually possibly the best thing you could think of doing.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13Give it to a zoo. There are animals that would love it.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16- In Germany, they do this regularly. - Aww...
0:31:16 > 0:31:19- Yeah. Elephants, elephants love it. - Isn't that lovely, look?- I know.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21An elephant can have five Christmas trees for lunch.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23Five Christmas trees!
0:31:23 > 0:31:26And giraffes, rhinos, at Dresden Zoo, camel, deer,
0:31:26 > 0:31:28sheep also enjoy it.
0:31:28 > 0:31:32So before London Zoo writes me a letter saying,
0:31:32 > 0:31:35"What the hell have you done, Stephen?
0:31:35 > 0:31:38"The entire Regents Park is covered,"
0:31:38 > 0:31:41ring up the zoo first and ask if they'd like your Christmas tree.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44But as long as it isn't too covered in hideous bits of silver tinsel,
0:31:44 > 0:31:46and you've got rid of all the nastiness.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48How much cuter that elephant would look
0:31:48 > 0:31:49if it had a little bit of tinsel on it.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51Well, it might look cuter,
0:31:51 > 0:31:54but I don't think it's nutritively valuable for it.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56No. You know what tinsel is?
0:31:56 > 0:31:57Mirrors for snakes.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01- Aah.- Aah. I like that, that's rather sweet.
0:32:01 > 0:32:02That's adorable.
0:32:02 > 0:32:06And would you think that your artificial tree
0:32:06 > 0:32:08is more environmentally friendly
0:32:08 > 0:32:11or is a real tree more environmentally friendly?
0:32:11 > 0:32:13I would think artificial,
0:32:13 > 0:32:15but you're probably going to tell me I'm wrong.
0:32:15 > 0:32:20No, it has been a moot point, but it is generally now agreed that,
0:32:20 > 0:32:22in fact, it is better to buy a real tree for the environment.
0:32:22 > 0:32:23They can be mulched
0:32:23 > 0:32:25and, if they have their roots, they can be replanted.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29There is evidence of some chemicals being emitted by plastic ones.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Also, conifers have fungi on their roots
0:32:31 > 0:32:35that support the soil ecosystem and, while they're growing,
0:32:35 > 0:32:38they support birdlife and also improve the soil,
0:32:38 > 0:32:40so, in the end, you're better off buying a real one.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43But if I had a real one, I'd still leave it decorated in my spare room.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45Fair enough!
0:32:45 > 0:32:47I can't bear people who do that on Boxing Day.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49Sometimes you go out Boxing Day or the day after
0:32:49 > 0:32:52and there's trees outside people's houses, that's not the spirit.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54- 6th of January.- There you go. - Yes, Twelfth Night.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56- Is it? Is it?- Yes.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58Because that's a perennial argument. It's the 6th, is it?
0:32:58 > 0:33:00- Yes. Twelfth Night.- Oh, OK.- Yes.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03Because we do it on the 5th and that's why I've had no luck.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05- Well, no, ah.- Ah.- Ah.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07Well, is it midnight on the 5th or is it...? Oh, hell!
0:33:07 > 0:33:10That's what this programme's here for, things like this.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12Now you've got me worried.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14Oh, the chatrooms will be ablaze now.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16LAUGHTER
0:33:16 > 0:33:19- It's the 5th.- Right.- If you include Christmas Night, that's one.
0:33:19 > 0:33:23Oh, hell. Oh, God.
0:33:23 > 0:33:2926th, 27th, 28th, 29th, 30, 31, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
0:33:29 > 0:33:33- Bang, thank you. There you go. - That's the 7th night, then.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37- What I've done there is... - He's gone round once.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39..I've gone round once.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Take that away, I'll take that away.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Get your socks off, get your socks off,
0:33:43 > 0:33:44it's the only way he'll believe you.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46I think the jury's still out.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48Anyway, we're going to have a quick-fire round now
0:33:48 > 0:33:51and it's about Jesus, because it isn't just about eggnog and tinsel.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54So, fingers on buzzers. What did Jesus' mum call him?
0:33:54 > 0:33:55- TINKLE - Yes?
0:33:55 > 0:33:59- Shiny?- Shiny. She might have called him shiny.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02'The bells, the bells!'
0:34:02 > 0:34:03Joe Junior.
0:34:04 > 0:34:07Closer, basically, yes. There is a name that he had.
0:34:07 > 0:34:11"Yay-zus." The name that we have called Jesus,
0:34:11 > 0:34:14that's a Greek version of a Hebrew name which is also
0:34:14 > 0:34:17used as a name given to people in Britain.
0:34:17 > 0:34:18Dave.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:23 > 0:34:24I'll tell you what I will do...
0:34:24 > 0:34:26Welcome back.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28I'll tell you what, I'll give you points if you can tell me
0:34:28 > 0:34:32why there are so many begats - "So-and-so begat, so-and-so begat" -
0:34:32 > 0:34:35until they come to Joseph in the opening Gospels.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37Who were they trying to prove that Christ was descended from?
0:34:37 > 0:34:39Oh, Abraham.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41- Dave!- Dave.- Yes, David.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44- David, David.- That was the answer that would have been Dave.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46And I said Abraham, what a idiot!
0:34:46 > 0:34:48He's given it to me on a plate. He had a plate.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50I gave it to you on a plate.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53Yes, he was descended from Dave, but his real name was Yeshua,
0:34:53 > 0:34:54which is in fact?
0:34:54 > 0:34:57- Joshua.- He was Joshua. His name was Yeshua.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00His mother would have called him Yeshua or Joshua.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02So that's one. OK, very good.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04Where is the world's tallest statue of Jesus?
0:35:05 > 0:35:06Oh...
0:35:06 > 0:35:09Now. Ah, now. Is it the statue or is it on top of something?
0:35:09 > 0:35:11The statue height or how high?
0:35:11 > 0:35:14- The actual, simply, tallest statue of Jesus.- I'm going to guess
0:35:14 > 0:35:15Rio de Janeiro.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17Oh, dear, no, sadly it isn't Rio.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20We all know that one, Cristo Redentor, the famous one there.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22It's a tall one, it's a tall one.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24It is, gosh it's tall. Don't get me wrong.
0:35:24 > 0:35:25But...
0:35:25 > 0:35:28'The bells, the bells!'
0:35:28 > 0:35:31- America.- No. There is an even taller one in Bolivia,
0:35:31 > 0:35:33but that's not the tallest either.
0:35:33 > 0:35:34The actual tallest one is in Poland.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Oh.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39Would you believe? In Swiebodzin, I'm sure I've pronounced that wrong.
0:35:39 > 0:35:40There it is.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43It's 33 metres tall, one metre for each year of Christ's life,
0:35:43 > 0:35:45plus a three-metre crown.
0:35:45 > 0:35:49If the crown wasn't on that, the one in Bolivia would be the tallest.
0:35:49 > 0:35:53So, now, how many people did Jesus feed at the feeding of the 5,000?
0:35:57 > 0:35:58TINKLE
0:35:58 > 0:35:59Yes, go on?
0:35:59 > 0:36:044,998 because there was a couple who were bit suspicious.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09- They don't like fish.- Yeah, exactly. - A couple of vegans.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12"Oh, no, it gives me the creeps, all scaly, oh, no, no.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15"Can I just have toast? All right, nothing for me, then."
0:36:15 > 0:36:19I will quote you Matthew, 14.21, "The number of those who ate was
0:36:19 > 0:36:22"5,000 men, besides women and children."
0:36:22 > 0:36:26- Oh.- Oh.- So there were a lot more than 5,000.- Why don't we count?
0:36:26 > 0:36:27It's the Bible.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30Women get stoned just for looking at people in an odd way.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32Very different times. Different times.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34I'm afraid it's not fair or right or just and I agree with you,
0:36:34 > 0:36:36- it's horrible.- Stupid thing!
0:36:36 > 0:36:38APPLAUSE
0:36:40 > 0:36:42I'm with you.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45It was known as The Miracle Of The Five Loaves And Two Fishes.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48However, how many were there at the feeding of the 4,000?
0:36:48 > 0:36:49Oh...
0:36:49 > 0:36:514,000 men! Huh!
0:36:53 > 0:36:56Well, oddly enough, this is a separate one, a separate feeding.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59Because you've got the 5,000 in Matthew and the 4,000.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03This one he fed 4,000 men plus the women and children, again,
0:37:03 > 0:37:06and that's called The Miracle Of The Seven Loaves And Fishes.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09- I've never heard of that, so it was two.- Yeah.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11So he was a caterer?
0:37:11 > 0:37:12Yes. Basically.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15How many disciples did Jesus have?
0:37:15 > 0:37:17Oh, here we go.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19- Christmas, be nice.- Yeah.
0:37:19 > 0:37:21- 12.- 12.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24KLAXON BLARES
0:37:24 > 0:37:27No, no, again we look to the Gospel of Luke here.
0:37:27 > 0:37:32He had 72. He had, basically, he had a posse.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35He had an entourage.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38Was it 12 men, the rest were women, so that's why they don't count?
0:37:38 > 0:37:39No, no.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42"After this the Lord appointed 72," he's got the 12, but
0:37:42 > 0:37:43"he appointed 72 others and sent them
0:37:43 > 0:37:45"two-by-two ahead of him to every town and place
0:37:45 > 0:37:47"where he was about to go."
0:37:47 > 0:37:50The 12 most famous of his disciples are, of course, the Apostles.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54OK, now, it's time to pull our Christmas crackers.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57We have decided, you know, the jokes are always terrible, aren't they?
0:37:57 > 0:38:01So we wondered, is it because we tell them the wrong way round?
0:38:01 > 0:38:05And what you should have is the punch line from the joke,
0:38:05 > 0:38:10not the joke. We want you to work out the joke from the punch line.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12There's no toy!
0:38:12 > 0:38:14You had a toy, but you've dropped it.
0:38:14 > 0:38:15It was a paperclip.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18- Oh, look, look, I can do an impression. Hang on.- Oh, go on, then.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20I've got to do an impression.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22Look, I'm in Poland.
0:38:22 > 0:38:23Hey, hey!
0:38:23 > 0:38:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:38:27 > 0:38:28Very good.
0:38:28 > 0:38:29Wait.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32All right, have you found your jokes? Danny?
0:38:32 > 0:38:33Mine just says, "That's not funny."
0:38:33 > 0:38:36I don't know if it's a note from the producers of the show, but...
0:38:36 > 0:38:37That's harsh, isn't it?
0:38:37 > 0:38:39You have to work out what the joke is.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41A limerick?
0:38:41 > 0:38:44When the government ran out of money
0:38:44 > 0:38:47And things look real bleak and not sunny
0:38:47 > 0:38:50We all had a bash,
0:38:50 > 0:38:52Using these jokes as cash
0:38:52 > 0:38:54But Germans said, "Ein, that's not funny!"
0:38:54 > 0:38:56- Hey!- Yes!
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Aye-aye.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00- That's a quick... - Aye-aye. Thank you.
0:39:02 > 0:39:03Thank you.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06I have to say, it's a lot better than the real joke,
0:39:06 > 0:39:08which is, "How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?"
0:39:08 > 0:39:11- "That's not funny."- That's not funny.- Do you know the one,
0:39:11 > 0:39:14- how many Freudians it takes to change a light bulb?- No, go on.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17"It takes one to screw in the light bulb and the other to hold the cock.
0:39:17 > 0:39:18"Father, ladder!"
0:39:18 > 0:39:20LAUGHTER
0:39:20 > 0:39:22There you go.
0:39:28 > 0:39:29That's brilliant.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32Anyway, so, Phill, what's your punch line?
0:39:32 > 0:39:35My punch line is, "Subordinate Clauses."
0:39:35 > 0:39:37Wow. What can the joke be?
0:39:37 > 0:39:38And the joke is,
0:39:38 > 0:39:43"What is a sadomasochistic Santa Claus's favourite thing?"
0:39:43 > 0:39:45Oh, well, that's not bad.
0:39:45 > 0:39:49The real answer is, "What do you call Santa's little helpers?"
0:39:49 > 0:39:51"Subordinate Clauses."
0:39:51 > 0:39:52EVERYONE GROANS
0:39:52 > 0:39:54STEPHEN GROANS
0:39:54 > 0:39:57OK, Sarah, your turn, what's your punch line?
0:39:57 > 0:40:00- My punch line is, "The trifle tower." - Ha, ha.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03You might be able to guess this particular joke, what's the joke?
0:40:03 > 0:40:06That's the only reason I went to bloody Paris.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08That would, that would do it.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11"What's tall and wobbly and is in Paris?" Is, you know, the trifle...
0:40:11 > 0:40:13- Me, when I went to Paris.- Oh, no!
0:40:15 > 0:40:16I'm not that tall, actually.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18Alan, we haven't had yours, have we?
0:40:18 > 0:40:21Well, mine says that, "Eat, drink and be Mary."
0:40:21 > 0:40:24"Eat, drink and be Mary." What do you think the joke is?
0:40:24 > 0:40:27"What did Jesus' mum do on Christmas Day, or something?"
0:40:27 > 0:40:30No, it's, "What does a transvestite do on Christmas Day?"
0:40:32 > 0:40:34- "Eat, drink and be Mary." - "Eat, drink and be Mary."
0:40:34 > 0:40:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:40 > 0:40:42- It's a little bit racy for a cracker.- It is racy.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44OK, here's a punch line -
0:40:44 > 0:40:46"She issues a royal pardon."
0:40:46 > 0:40:49- Oh.- Oh, "What does the Queen do when she farts?"
0:40:49 > 0:40:50Yes...
0:40:50 > 0:40:54it is "burps", but I'll accept "farts".
0:40:54 > 0:40:55Here's one - "24 days."
0:40:57 > 0:41:01Is that, "How many days worth of chocolate do you eat
0:41:01 > 0:41:03"when you first buy your advent calendar?"
0:41:03 > 0:41:06- It's very close!- Is it?
0:41:06 > 0:41:09It's, "What did the man who stole an advent calendar get?"
0:41:09 > 0:41:11- Ah!- "24 days."
0:41:11 > 0:41:12- Oh, OK.- Ah, yes.
0:41:12 > 0:41:13Um...
0:41:13 > 0:41:15That's good!
0:41:15 > 0:41:16Come on!
0:41:16 > 0:41:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:41:23 > 0:41:26The thing is, I can't actually get these off.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29I can see, I can see everything.
0:41:29 > 0:41:30Good.
0:41:32 > 0:41:33We've got one more punch line.
0:41:33 > 0:41:37"It's very good cold on Boxing Day, too."
0:41:37 > 0:41:39- Turkey.- No.
0:41:42 > 0:41:45"Remember a puppy isn't just for Christmas..."
0:41:45 > 0:41:47- Ah.- Aah. - AUDIENCE GROANS
0:41:47 > 0:41:50- Oh, that's a bit sick, isn't it? - Oh, that's awful.
0:41:50 > 0:41:52What's wrong with you?!
0:41:54 > 0:41:58Imagine Delia cooking puppies for Christmas.
0:41:58 > 0:42:02"Well, we've got something different this year."
0:42:02 > 0:42:04Anyway, our sleighs have finally hit the buffers
0:42:04 > 0:42:08and it remains only for me to try and pick a winner from the wreckage.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11And it's quite remarkable.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14The clear winner, with four points, Danny Christmas Baker.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17Hooray, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. Ho-ho-ho-ho.
0:42:17 > 0:42:22God love us, one and all! Love us one and all. Hooray!
0:42:23 > 0:42:28And Sarah, Sarah, whom Jesus didn't feed, did fantastically well
0:42:28 > 0:42:31and is in second place with minus six.
0:42:31 > 0:42:33Yay!
0:42:37 > 0:42:42And Bob Cratchit writing away at the ledger, shivering,
0:42:42 > 0:42:46with little coal and feeling that it isn't very Christmassy at all,
0:42:46 > 0:42:48on minus 32, Phill Jupitus.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56But with a staggering minus 38,
0:42:56 > 0:42:58it's Dave-Dave-Dave-Dave Davies.
0:42:58 > 0:43:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:06 > 0:43:09And it's snowing! Hurrah!
0:43:09 > 0:43:12So, that's all from Sarah, Danny, Phill, Alan and me.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14And a very, very happy
0:43:14 > 0:43:16and a quite, Quite Interesting Christmas to you all.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18Good night.
0:43:38 > 0:43:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd