0:00:24 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Well! Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:34good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:36good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40and welcome to QI, where we're all feeling rather jolly.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Here to tickle our ribs are four jolly good fellows.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46The jovial Rob Brydon.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:53The jocular Tim Vine.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:01:00The jubilant Julia Zemiro.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And Jesus, it's Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Ah, well, so if anyone wants to go beyond a joke tonight,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18they'll have to jingle their jangles and Julia goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:21LAUGHING KOOKABURRA
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- Oh, it's an animal from my country. - Yeah.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- That's nice, a bird, a kookaburra, thank you.- It is a kookaburra,
0:01:27 > 0:01:31- well spotted. Tim goes... - LAUGHING HYENA
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Oh, it's an animal from my country.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36And Rob goes...
0:01:36 > 0:01:39GIGGLING BABY
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- Aw! It's an animal from the country. - Yeah.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47- And Alan goes... - BRAYING DONKEY
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- Wow.- Fabulous.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56So, simple question, who's Hapi?
0:01:59 > 0:02:03- He's happy in the picture.- Yes.- Yes. - Old men with young ladies. Or...
0:02:03 > 0:02:04old ladies with young men.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- I was going to say...- Why not? - They may be gerontophiles.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Not me.- Not you? No, fair enough. OK.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- It's one of the dwarfs. - True, as in the old joke.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- Six out of seven dwarfs aren't Happy.- I can't believe it!
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- They haven't got that on the klaxon?- No, they haven't.
0:02:16 > 0:02:21This is a Hapi whose name is Hapi, spelt H-A-P-I.
0:02:21 > 0:02:26- Edwin Starr had a song, H-A-P-P-Y Radio.- Oh, really?- Yeah.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- Anyway, continue.- No, that's good. It's good - good information.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32We love good information here, as you know.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36- We have to go back to a previous civilisation.- Is it... Um, no.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- Aztecs.- Egyptian.- Egyptian is right. - Oh, get stuffed, I can't believe it!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- LAUGHING KOOKABURRA - When you get it right,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44you don't have to insult me.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- No, I know.- You can accept your points gracefully.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50That picture is actually the backdrop to a famous game show -
0:02:50 > 0:02:51I'll Name That Tomb In One.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- Very good. - What sort of reaction is that?!
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- It's one Tim is very used to. - It's what I'm used to, yes.- Yes.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03That's what you sphinx.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09- So that is the god...- A very unusual mind we have on this show.- It is.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13This is a god called Hapi, who was always represented to have
0:03:13 > 0:03:16been faintly pot-bellied and sort of hermaphroditic with breasts.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Hapi had breasts, though was not considered female,
0:03:19 > 0:03:22and had a sort of harem of...?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- Ladies.- Men.- Animals.- No.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- Men. Boys. - Castrati.- Frogs.- Frogs?- Yeah.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Frogs, Tim.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Er, hang on.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34There'll be a pun in a minute.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Do you think if the frogs in the harem really started to get it on
0:03:38 > 0:03:41with each other, and one of them whipped out a camcorder,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- would that be "frogs' porn"?- Oh!
0:03:44 > 0:03:45APPLAUSE
0:03:48 > 0:03:50You are a malign influence.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57The worrying thing is, I have actually done that joke in the past.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- It's too late now, it's too late. - He's the thief of bad gags.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04The fact is, Hapi was the god who was responsible for
0:04:04 > 0:04:08the flooding of the Nile, which was an annual event, took place in July
0:04:08 > 0:04:10and was cause of much celebration.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12If you've ever been up or down the Nile,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15you will know that it's really just this great carving of green
0:04:15 > 0:04:19through a desert, which is all made fertile by this river.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22So it was... The whole civilisation was predicated on the flooding
0:04:22 > 0:04:25of the Nile and Hapi was the god who caused it.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28So, moving on, what's the jolliest,
0:04:28 > 0:04:33but frankly most dangerous thing you can buy in a joke shop?
0:04:33 > 0:04:34LAUGHING HYENA
0:04:34 > 0:04:38- Tim?- I went to a joke shop. I said, "What are you actually selling here?"
0:04:38 > 0:04:40He said, "Nothing, we're not a real shop."
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Anyway, I've got some jokes here that give you an example. Here we are.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52And almost all of these were invented by one man,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55who could be regarded as the father of the joke shop.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Have some nuts, Tim.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- What happens when you open the nuts?- JULIA: Oh, no.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I'm guessing I could aim this at Rob...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- SQUEAKING - You're guessing.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05And it's hours of laughter.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10Tim, that reminds me of last Saturday evening, in an odd way.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14It's a man called Soren Sorensen Adams.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17And he started life working for a coal-tar derivative company.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21And coal-tar derivatives have many uses, one of which was for a dye.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23And the particular dye that came from coal-tar
0:05:23 > 0:05:27had the bizarre side effect of making people sneeze.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29So the company managed to isolate the ingredient
0:05:29 > 0:05:31that made people sneeze and took it out.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33And he happened to be passing and he saw
0:05:33 > 0:05:37these great barrels of the stuff that made people sneeze. He thought, "I'll have those."
0:05:37 > 0:05:41So he founded The Cachoo Sneezing Powder Company,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43and it was a huge, huge success.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48He sold 15,000 worth of Cachoo, just in the first year,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50a vast sum in 1910, which is around the time we are.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54But 25 years later, it was banned by the FDA for being toxic.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- Oh.- But he had meantime... - After several deaths.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Yes.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Meantime, he had invented the squirting lapel flower.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- Oh.- Oh.- That would fool anybody, wouldn't it?- Oldie but a goody, yes.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08There we go. It has a little ring.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12- I used to have one of those.- There's a...- Oh...- Hey! Highly amusing.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- Help yourself to a dog turd. Oops, there we are.- Eurgh.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19They're different. The old ones were hard plastic, that's squidgy.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- You're touching that. Eurgh. - It's really quite unpleasant.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Oh... Oh, dear!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28That is horrible, isn't it?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30JULIA: Eurgh!
0:06:31 > 0:06:36- Even if that isn't a dog turd, that's a horrible thing to do. - Uuuuugh!
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Oh, my God!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- Oh!- If you swallow that...
0:06:48 > 0:06:52If I swallow it, it's going to come out the other end, that'll be good.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55What is it then? Fake or not?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Then it would be a real false turd.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Oh, actually, Alan, I'm just getting a...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01just getting a message there's been a bit of a mix-up, apparently.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- This is a real one!- Oh, dear.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11And here's a... Here's a... You can cut your finger off.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Or you could try this pen. Try writing something with the pen.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Oh, this is going to be hilarious.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- Go on, then.- Oh, dear.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- I never touched it!- Did he get a shock?- I think so.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32That is... I'm really sorry, because that is quite a severe electric shock.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- It's not... - I'll just take your word for it.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39It's not insignificant, that one. That is barely a joke.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44- It's not funny at all, Stephen! - I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49- Give it back to me.- That really hurt.- Aaah. A bendy pencil.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- I don't want a bendy pencil! - A joy buzzer.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55He sold three million of these during the Depression.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- When you shake hands with someone with one of those? - That's right, you put
0:07:58 > 0:08:01the sort of ring on your finger so it looks sort of normal. And then...
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- Can you buzz me?- Yeah, you want to shake hands. Like that.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- It doesn't give you a shock.- It's a bit of a letdown.- It's just a buzz.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12He passed on... I say, "He passed on this," I don't mean...
0:08:12 > 0:08:15He thought this was too vulgar to sell -
0:08:15 > 0:08:18the standard whoopee cushion. You might want to blow that up. Yeah.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22It's not Soren Lorensen, who's the imaginary friend in the Charlie and Lola books is it?
0:08:22 > 0:08:27No, it's not. It's Soren Sorensen Adams. It's quite difficult to...
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Is this a joke whoopee cushion you can't blow up?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32It is difficult to get the sphincter open, isn't it?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- SQUEAKING - Whoa!
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Ah, there we go, that's right.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Maybe while Alan isn't looking... Alan, lean over here for a second.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44That's it, take the false egg, which is hilarious.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46WHOOPEE CUSHION EMITS NO SOUND
0:08:46 > 0:08:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:51 > 0:08:55That was possibly the least convincing whoopee cushion noise I've ever heard.
0:08:55 > 0:09:00- JULIA: Silent but deadly.- Yeah. - It was strangely realistic.- Yeah.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I just smothered it completely.
0:09:02 > 0:09:07- Alan's wearing a whoopee cushion silencer on his jeans.- Very sensible.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10The best one is the fart... the remote-control fart machine.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- Yeah.- Have you got one of those?- Of course I have. Yes.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- Has anyone got one? - How does it work?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- You've got to get one. - They are marvellous.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17You just, at Christmas...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19You bury it under the cushion near your aunt.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Yes, it's funny even if you just put it under your dog's basket, because the dog...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- Absolutely.- The dog goes like that.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- I'll take a picture. Alan, smile. - No, what's going to happen now!!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Oh. It's supposed to be water.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Anyway, we can probably put away our little tray of fun toys,
0:09:35 > 0:09:39having electrocuted Alan, which was the purpose of the evening. Maybe you could pass me your...
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- How do you blow it up, then? - Could you pass me your turd?
0:09:44 > 0:09:49Woo. That's meant... I think if you over, maybe.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Have a go.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51FRUITY RASPBERRY
0:09:51 > 0:09:53That's better!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:59 > 0:10:03- One of these has never had a round of applause from 600 people before. - Yeah.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07I read somewhere that this was "the intellectual quiz show" and you can see why.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Now, one of the things I want to prepare you for is to see
0:10:11 > 0:10:15if you can, during the course of today's lesson,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18prepare, in any spare moments you have, a limerick for me.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22- You know what a limerick is?- Yes. - Aside from being a county in Ireland.- It's a town.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- Yes. - There was an old man from Limerick,
0:10:24 > 0:10:26who was unaware of the short, often humorous, poems
0:10:26 > 0:10:28that shared the same name as his home town.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Very, very good. Anyway, so do be ready for that.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40But we've got a quicky for you. What happens if you put
0:10:40 > 0:10:42someone's hand in a bowl of water while they're sleeping?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44LAUGHING BABY
0:10:44 > 0:10:47They have a little widdle, don't they?
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Oh, no!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- they don't have a little widdle. - They don't?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53No, it's a total myth.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Total myth, perpetuated by schoolchildren and others.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59All kinds of experiments have been done.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01That splendid programme Myth Busters tried it.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Zero wetting ensued. There's no reason why it should happen.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- It must have happened once. - Well, by coincidence, possibly. - By coincidence.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10That coincidence was assumed to be causal
0:11:10 > 0:11:13and from that moment on the myth was born.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16You can try it at home, I recommend it, with your spouses and children.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Like the one where if you wet yourself
0:11:18 > 0:11:19while driving, you crash the car.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- I would frankly... - Has that not happened to everyone?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28If I crashed a car, I think I would wet myself.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33- It's the other way round.- That's what's interesting about the experiment.- Yeah, it is. Absolutely.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35What about when you fall asleep and you wake up
0:11:35 > 0:11:37and you've had half your eyebrow shaved off?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- Then you have bad friends. - I do have hideous friends.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- Yeah, cos that's the other thing that can happen.- Yeah.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44It's all right, I'm over it, it's fine.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- You had your eyebrows shaved off? - Yeah, you know?
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Obviously no-one's had it happen.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Yeah, you fall asleep and someone goes, "Oh, this will be even funnier."
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Put your hand in a bottle of thing and voom, voom, you wake up and you look hideous.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59- That's just vile!- I'm Australian.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Anyway, Sorensen didn't sell whoopee cushions
0:12:04 > 0:12:07because he didn't think flatulence was amusing,
0:12:07 > 0:12:13so what is the most amusing thing to come out of a sewage plant?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16- Look at that. That's disturbing. - That's really very unpleasant.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19And there are people in the background there, bobbing along.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- Is that in the UK? - That's actually in Ghana.- Ghana.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25LAUGHING KOOKABURRA
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Poo jokes. Is that the funniest thing to come out of a sewerage...?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- TIM:- Crap jokes?- What jokes?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- Crap jokes. Yeah, really crap jokes. - Thank you, good on you.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37No, there is something that really does cause laughter that comes out.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Oh, OK, I know, I know. It's a type of gas, then, isn't it?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43It's the same gas... I've got it, Julia!
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- It's the same gas, like what they might call a laughing gas...- Yes.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50..but here, rather than being in canisters in a dentist's room,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- perhaps, or in another medical establishment...- Yeah...
0:12:53 > 0:12:58Perhaps it's coming out as a natural by-product of the faeces, the waste,
0:12:58 > 0:13:02the faecal matter, that's gushing forth in a liquidised form.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- So that's what it is.- It is! - Oh, I love it! BRAYING DONKEY
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Is it nitrous oxide?
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Nitrous oxide.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- I'll accept that Rob did the work and you...- I got the answer right!
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Stephen, can I just say this?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23It's called nitrous oxide, of course.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26APPLAUSE
0:13:29 > 0:13:30- GIGGLING BABY - Yeah?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Nitrous oxide.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35LAUGHING KOOKABURRA
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- Sulphuric acid.- Ha!
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Yes, it's a very important greenhouse gas - N2O, nitrous oxide.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48In fact, it's 300 times more potent, as a greenhouse gas, than CO2.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53Its most significant man-made source is sewage-treatment plants,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56alongside agricultural waste and nitrogen fertilisers.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59It's also pumped into bags of crisps.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Why would it be pumped into bags of crisps?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04All crisp packets are filled with gas, aren't they, to keep them fresh?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- Exactly - it's to expel the oxygen. - They also pump it with gas
0:14:07 > 0:14:10so that you think you're getting more chips than you actually are.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13And then you go, "Oh, it's only a third full! Ripped off!"
0:14:13 > 0:14:17- It's almost as if they want to make a profit out of you.- Almost! - It's really annoying.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Yes, it was first used as a dental anaesthetic.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I'll give you ten points if you are ten years either way right.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- What year?- I don't know when it was but I did have a general anaesthetic
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- quite recently, which I think is, er...- Interesting.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Interesting. And it was the same one that killed Michael Jackson.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Oh, good! That's...
0:14:33 > 0:14:36No, I mean good that you survived.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- BRAYING DONKEY - Yeah?
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- Propofol.- Yeah, that's one, yes. - That's what it was, propofol.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- I'm so good on drugs! - I was lying there and I said, "Is this the thing?"
0:14:45 > 0:14:46APPLAUSE
0:14:48 > 0:14:51It is an absolutely GORGEOUS feeling.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- It's a remarkable sensation, isn't it? Yeah. It goes in through your hands...- That's right.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59And then, er, the feel... I don't know if people have had it recently, but I mean,
0:14:59 > 0:15:01if he was using this to get to sleep,
0:15:01 > 0:15:04he was in a bad way because it goes right... You can feel it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08But your head stays very, you know, awake,
0:15:08 > 0:15:13and, er, I said to the anaesthetist, "Wow! My arms and my legs, they're like weights."
0:15:13 > 0:15:16They were being pulled into the bed.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18I said, "But my head is completely..."
0:15:19 > 0:15:20It's extraordinary!
0:15:20 > 0:15:23And the next second, you're going, "Oh," and you're waking up.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28- Wheeled into the recovery room.- Imagine having to have that every night to get you off.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- It's horrifying, isn't it?- I used to go out with an anaesthetist.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33She was a local girl.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34LAUGHTER
0:15:38 > 0:15:391920.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- No, it's... - LAUGHING KOOKABURRA
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- 1930!- No.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- GIGGLING BABY - Ah. Ah, ah...
0:15:46 > 0:15:471878.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- No, even earlier.- 1820.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- 1844. Yes, quite early.- That early?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Although it had been used before that as a recreational drug,
0:15:55 > 0:16:00- by, of course... Who were the great recreational drug users? - Rock musicians.- No, not...
0:16:01 > 0:16:04There weren't many rock musicians before the 1840s.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08There were, but you just didn't know about it. They were there!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- When was Byron alive? - Ah, you're in the right area.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12We're in the area of Romantic poets.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16And who was the great opium eater - apart from Thomas De Quincey - of the Romantic poets?
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- I'm going to take a stab at this, Stephen. Pam Ayres.- No!
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Can the audience please provide the answer?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Casanova?!
0:16:30 > 0:16:34- Samuel Taylor Coleridge. - Of course it was!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37He wrote Kubla Khan while under the influence of opium.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Yes. In Xanadu, did Kubla Khan...
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- JULIA & STEPHEN: A stately pleasure dome decree...- Of course he did.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47- It's also that great musical with Olivia Newton-John.- Indeed.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50And laughing gas, as you can see, was used as a recreational drug
0:16:50 > 0:16:52and Coleridge was one of the ones to use it.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54In fact, he described the dreamy, sedated state.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57He said, "The first time I inspired..." Breathed in.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02"..the nitrous oxide, I felt a highly pleasurable sensation of warmth over my whole frame.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04"The only motion which I felt inclined to make
0:17:04 > 0:17:07"was that of laughing at those who were looking at me."
0:17:07 > 0:17:09So there you can see. There's a satirical cartoon...
0:17:09 > 0:17:12She doesn't look very willing, though, that lady.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14She, it must be said, is being forced into it.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- LAUGH!- But the others have already had it and are laughing.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19She's about to laugh, clearly.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- Looks like a giant whoopee cushion, actually.- It does!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24The man on the left's got tiny chicken legs!
0:17:24 > 0:17:29And like all lazy cartoonists, he's written "laughing gas" on it, so that you know what's going on.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34- Is this the inspiration for the scene in Mary Poppins where they float to the ceiling?- Maybe it is.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38The chapter of the book in Mary Poppins in which they all do rise to the ceiling is called Laughing Gas.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39There's a book?!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41LAUGHTER
0:17:43 > 0:17:46You! And you know who it's written by.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- No, I didn't even know there was a book!- PL Travers.- Is there?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Yes, she wrote many... - She's Australian.- Yes.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Did she adapt the film? Was it one of those novellas...
0:17:54 > 0:17:58No, she disowned the film completely. In fact, they're making a film at the moment
0:17:58 > 0:18:00about the relationship between Walt Disney and PL Travers.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03And she absolutely loathed the film,
0:18:03 > 0:18:07- which is crazy cos it is one of the greatest films ever made. - I thought it was super!
0:18:07 > 0:18:10..califragilisticexpialidocious.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- In the book, is there a dark side to Mary Poppins?- Yeah, there is.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16There's a kind of world of weird creatures and so on.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I don't know what her objection was to it.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- I thought it was absolutely magnificent.- It is.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26So there you go. What would be the best flavour for an exploding sandwich?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- LAUGHING HYENA - Tim Vine?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Cheese and ham grenade.
0:18:33 > 0:18:38Very good. Very good. Excellent. There is...
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- No, is it wrong, then?- It's wrong.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Well, I mean it would explode, obviously.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Sauerkraut and cabbage can make you explode, on a different level, also funny.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51This one would make you explode on that level too. It's in fact a classic English sandwich,
0:18:51 > 0:18:53as in The Importance Of Being Earnest.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- What are the sandwiches that Aunt Augusta particularly liked? - Watercress.- Cucumber?- Mustard.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59She particularly liked cucumber sandwiches.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02But this a very specific species of cucumber.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04There it is, you see, it's quite spiky.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- The exploding cucumber of Panama. - There's the fuse.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11- Yes, it's the exploding cucumber. It's the squirting or exploding cucumber.- Come on.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14It's a Mediterranean plant and, when touched,
0:19:14 > 0:19:18it propels its seeds in a sticky mucus at over 60mph.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- You're pointing at Rob. - I'm not pointing at Rob.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I'm just saying when that picture came up,
0:19:24 > 0:19:27we looked across at each other and we both went, "Oh, testicles."
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- I mean it's clear. Didn't we? Were you?- But can we be very clear,
0:19:31 > 0:19:37I do not propel my seeds in a sticky mucus at 80mph.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40And certainly not up to 30 feet.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45- No, not... Well, on a good day, on a good day.- In the teens.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48So you can see it's being touched here
0:19:48 > 0:19:52and you can see the effect of the operation of it exploding.
0:19:52 > 0:19:57If you look carefully. Boing! Yeah, that's... I mean it's a sexual act.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02I mean, it is spreading its seed. And you can see the seeds flying everywhere. Whoa!
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- Does it do that to itself? - Well, no, it's...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Because that looks like another bit of it.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Yeah, when it's very, very ripe and it falls, it will do it,
0:20:10 > 0:20:12but otherwise when touched it will also do it.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Its actual Linnaean name is Ecballium elaterium,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18which translates as "the squirting squirter". Ecballium as in
0:20:18 > 0:20:22"ballistics" - it throws out - and that's the forceful ejection of its seeds.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25But the elaterium is the fact that is a violent purgative.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28So it's a squirting squirter that gives you the squirts.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32So, yes, it would... It would make you explode from behind as well.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- So in that sense it's fully explosive.- Great!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Now, what's the world's longest-running gag?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- LAUGHING KOOKABURRA - Yes?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42"Look over there!"
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- And they look... Pah! You shoot them.- No!
0:20:46 > 0:20:50It's using a particular joke to displace warfare, actually,
0:20:50 > 0:20:52and it's been going on since the 13th century
0:20:52 > 0:20:55in a particular couple of tribes in Mali, in fact.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58The tribes are called the Traore and the Kone tribes,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00and what happens is,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03is that you have to take a joke from a member of the other tribe,
0:21:03 > 0:21:06who basically accuses you of being a bean-eater -
0:21:06 > 0:21:09of eating lots of beans, which is an insult.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10And you have to take that insult.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13And then you can find another member of the opposing tribe
0:21:13 > 0:21:15and accuse them of being a bean-eater.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18And they just hang around calling each other bean-eaters.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20And that is... That saves them from killing each other.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24- It's not the greatest joke in the world.- It's better than genocide. - But it's better than genocide
0:21:24 > 0:21:27and is the longest-running gag, as far as we know, in the world.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30It's a rather civilised way of sorting things out.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Great idea for a panel show, as well.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Yes, isn't it? Absolutely. Superb.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36You're a bean-eater.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38YOU'RE a bean-eater.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Alan, you're a bean-eater.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- Julia...- Yes?- You're a bean-eater.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Stephen, you ARE a bean-eater.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47You're a has-been eater.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Oh!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52APPLAUSE And is that where it ends?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- A has-been eater's a whole different thing.- It certainly is.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57There are, of course, the "yo mama" jokes, as well,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00which are used in the African-American community.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05"Yo mama's so fat that she could usefully have a calorie-controlled diet and regular exercise."
0:22:06 > 0:22:09They're probably better than that, as jokes, but...
0:22:09 > 0:22:12But mums are often used. Like, I remember the first time,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14as an adult, I went back to France to visit relatives
0:22:14 > 0:22:18and you know, my cousin driving - angry all the time.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22- "Ta mere, ta mere!" Your mother, your mother. - Yeah, "Ta mere est une putain."
0:22:22 > 0:22:24So maybe mothers have always been the butts of jokes.
0:22:24 > 0:22:29Oh, absolutely. Back to Shakespeare you've got, in Titus Andronicus, "Villain, what has thou done?
0:22:29 > 0:22:33"That which thou canst not undo. Thou hast undone our mother.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35"Villain, I have DONE thy mother."
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Oh.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41And all over the world, curses against people's mothers are very, very common.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46- Sam Kinison does some fantastic heckle put downs.- Oh, DID, yes. Dead, sadly.- Did, yes.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50About people shouting, saying, "Oi!" from the audience.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52"Yeah, that was the noise your mother made...
0:22:52 > 0:22:54"when I did her last night.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58"You won't recognise her. When I was finished, I shaved her back!"
0:23:00 > 0:23:02That's a heck of a put-down, isn't it?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- He was a furious, furious comedian, wasn't he?- A brilliant comedian.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09So, yes, the Traore and the Kone clans in Mali have been calling
0:23:09 > 0:23:12each other Mr Bean, essentially, since the 13th century.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16What did the world's first jukebox have on offer?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Is it going to be a man in a box and you give him something
0:23:18 > 0:23:20and he plays for you?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23No. Do you know where the word "jukebox" comes from?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Yes, I've heard this and I can't remember it.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- There is a story attached to this, isn't there?- Yeah.- Er... Oh!
0:23:29 > 0:23:30A juke joint was a brothel -
0:23:30 > 0:23:33it was Southern American slang for a brothel,
0:23:33 > 0:23:38probably from the African "juk", meaning "disorderly or unruly". And so the...
0:23:38 > 0:23:41So the popular vehicle the Nissan Juke is a Nissan Brothel?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Yeah, well, I'm afraid so. There you go.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46And they were called juke houses or juke joints
0:23:46 > 0:23:49and, like all kinds of places of ill repute and law-breaking, of course
0:23:49 > 0:23:54they served all kinds of liquor and offered dancing and, indeed, music. And gambling.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58And then when the first commercially available box that you could
0:23:58 > 0:24:00put a nickel in and it played a tune,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03people just called it a jukebox, cos they kind of thought
0:24:03 > 0:24:07it was like making your own private little dance hall or juke joint.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09And the manufacturers resisted this terribly -
0:24:09 > 0:24:11they didn't want it to be called a "brothel box".
0:24:11 > 0:24:14But that's what they became known as. The very first one is,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17you'd actually go into a shop where there was a speaking tube,
0:24:17 > 0:24:21and you would speak down and say, "I would like Foxtrot In Blue by the..."
0:24:21 > 0:24:26You know, whoever, Jelly Roll Morton. And the person at the other end would go, "Very good, sir."
0:24:26 > 0:24:28And he would go off and find it and put it in the record player
0:24:28 > 0:24:33and attach the speaking tube to the horn of the gramophone and you would listen that way.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35- Is that a Wurlitzer?- It's a Rockola.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- They are beautiful things, and... - Really lovely objects.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41They are beautiful, and yet, whenever you go to someone's house and they have one,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44they are almost invariably people with no taste.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Except for Lee Mack.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53He has one and a man with greater taste you will never encounter.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56He had great trouble getting it up the stairs, as well, didn't he?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Cos it weighs like a small car, basically.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Yes. The really old ones weigh an absolute ton.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07- Well, the very old ones, of course, had the band in there as well, didn't they?- Yes, yes.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Well, they're magnificent devices
0:25:09 > 0:25:12and now, of course, the kind of things, like pinball machines,
0:25:12 > 0:25:16that rock stars have in their lonely drug-infested houses.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Funny you should say "juke" refers to a brothel because, of course, rock'n'roll music...
0:25:20 > 0:25:24- Rock'n'roll is slang for sex. - Also for jiggy-jiggy doo-doo.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- Yes, so it's all...- Yes. "Jiggy-jiggy doo-doo?"
0:25:27 > 0:25:28I don't know, it's...
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Jiggy-jiggy, DOO-DOO!
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Yes, jukeboxes were originally brothels in the Deep South of America.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- Now, what's the worst place to be licked by a goat?- Oh!
0:25:41 > 0:25:42At your parents' house.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- The perineum. - Well, the perineum would be
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- a bit unpleasant... - What bizarre set of circumstances
0:25:49 > 0:25:53would result in you being...
0:25:53 > 0:25:58Having your perineum well and truly licked by a goat?
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Yeah. A goat rimming is not necessarily a form of anything.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- You're squatting...- In the bush!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Yes. This the excuse you give the doctor, isn't it?
0:26:07 > 0:26:11- You're caught short out on a country walk...- Yeah.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15And you squat down onto a discarded sandwich.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17And a passing goat...
0:26:19 > 0:26:23- ..licks it.- This is never going to have a happy ending.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Licks it off your perineum.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26So has this happened, then?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Has somebody been... Has somebody been licked?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- Well, somewhere in the world, it's happening right now.- Yeah.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35What he said is not the right answer, I ought to tell you.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- So it's not the perineum?- No, it's not.- Is it to do with the tongue
0:26:38 > 0:26:40because it's so raspy and...?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43It is to do with the raspiness of the goat's tongue.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47It was used as a torture. You would tie someone to a tree, so their legs were sticking out.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- Not licking the feet?- Bare feet and cover the feet... - They did it with pigs too.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Cover the feet with honey and the goat would lick it.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55At first it would be a pleasant tickling sensation,
0:26:55 > 0:26:57and then it would rip off layers of skin.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01- It was horrible.- Ugh.- I know. - It would have livened up that scene in Goldfinger, wouldn't it?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04He's tied down and the laser beam comes between his legs.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07If he'd said, you know, "Oh, my God, no! Not the goat."
0:27:09 > 0:27:13"Ah, Mr Bond, I put some honey on to the underside on your foot.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16"You might call it your sole! Ah ha ha.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18- "Bring in the goat." - BLEATS LIKE GOAT
0:27:18 > 0:27:22And he goes, "Oh, no, no, not the goat. It's a furry goat. No. Oh."
0:27:22 > 0:27:24And then he goes, "Actually that's quite pleasant."
0:27:24 > 0:27:27And he says, "Soon the pleasure will turn to pain,
0:27:27 > 0:27:30"Mr Bond." And then he said, "You expect me to talk?"
0:27:30 > 0:27:34- "No. I expect you to die." - Well, yes.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37But Franciscus Brunus, a late Medieval jurist
0:27:37 > 0:27:39and expert on torture, said in 1502,
0:27:39 > 0:27:43"I hear this is a very hard torture and totally safe."
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Tickling was used in the stocks, as well.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49You tickled people's feet in the stocks.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51And in the Han Dynasty in China, they used tickling a lot.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54In The Old Curiosity Shop - I don't know if you've read that...
0:27:54 > 0:27:56It's the only Dickens novel I've read.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00- Oh, well, you might remember. - Can't remember any of it.- Oh, dear. Well you might remember...
0:28:00 > 0:28:02- I seem to have no memory function whatsoever nowadays.- No.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05There was Little Nell, who died, and Oscar Wilde said of that,
0:28:05 > 0:28:07"You would have to have a heart of stone
0:28:07 > 0:28:10"to read the death of Little Nell without laughing."
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Cos it is Dickens at his most sentimental, unfortunately.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17But there was a Mr Jasper Packlemerton,
0:28:17 > 0:28:22and Jasper Packlemerton apparently killed 14 wives by tickling them to death.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- And Dickens...- With a knife.
0:28:25 > 0:28:31- Tickle tickle! - Dickens may have got this from an Illustrated Police News of 1869,
0:28:31 > 0:28:34where a wife was driven insane by her husband tickling her.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37She was fooled by her husband into thinking that by being tied to
0:28:37 > 0:28:39a plank it would help her back,
0:28:39 > 0:28:44and he then proceeded to tickle her toes until she went mad.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46- Which is not nice, to be honest. - How long did it take?
0:28:46 > 0:28:50- It would take a while, I think, yeah. - Days?- Yeah, it would. It would basically take a while.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Now let's see how your J for "jeography" is.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Lots of points for the right answer
0:28:54 > 0:28:58and a measly minus ten for a wrong one, so try and be right.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00What's the name of the largest mountain in Japan?
0:29:02 > 0:29:04- Fuji.- Is the right answer!
0:29:04 > 0:29:06Yes. It's an active volcano,
0:29:06 > 0:29:10although it hasn't actually erupted for 200 years.
0:29:10 > 0:29:14- So it's probably about due.- Yeah, it probably is.- Vesuvius is overdue.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17It's right next to Naples and it's overdue
0:29:17 > 0:29:21and there's no way of predicting when it will erupt.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23- No, I know.- They told us this when we went to see it on a school trip!
0:29:25 > 0:29:26That'll cheer you up, won't it(?)
0:29:26 > 0:29:31They said... This is in the days before 'Ealth and Safety. They took you up into the crater to...
0:29:31 > 0:29:34Any minute now we're expecting it.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36It's overdue, we're standing in the crater of it -
0:29:36 > 0:29:40a party of schoolchildren - and to get there you had to walk across
0:29:40 > 0:29:45- a lava flow that had a sulphur crust that was about that thick.- Whoa.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47And so you walked across it and there were places where
0:29:47 > 0:29:50it had fallen through and had just a small fence round it
0:29:50 > 0:29:52and underneath was - blurp, blurp - a volcanic mire.
0:29:52 > 0:29:57- Yeah, I know, it's amazing, isn't it?- And they said to us, "Walk in pairs and don't jump up and down."
0:29:59 > 0:30:03That was the safety brief. We gathered together and jumped up and down together.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Of course you did. Because they told you not to.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08Because as 12-year-old boys, what are we doing to do?
0:30:08 > 0:30:12Anyway, so can you name a Caribbean island group beginning with B?
0:30:12 > 0:30:13Bahamas.
0:30:13 > 0:30:14KLAXON BLARES
0:30:14 > 0:30:17Oh, Alan got there first. And I'm afraid
0:30:17 > 0:30:19- they're not Caribbean, no, they're Atlantic.- What?
0:30:19 > 0:30:23They're not in the Caribbean, the Bahamas, they're in the Atlantic.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26- I've been on holiday to them. I've done a lot of holidays. - Yes, you have.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29There is an island group beginning with B in the Caribbean.
0:30:29 > 0:30:34- British Virgin.- Very good in the audience.- That was a superb accent!
0:30:34 > 0:30:39Someone shouted out one of the rarest things you could possibly imagine, British Virgin!
0:30:39 > 0:30:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:45 > 0:30:48I wouldn't have accepted Barbados because it's a single island.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50- It's only one island, Barbados. - Exactly. There you go.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53- The Bahamas are not in the Caribbean?- No, I know, big surprise.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57This bloke came up and said, "I'm going to dress up as a small island off the coast of Italy."
0:30:57 > 0:31:00I said, "Don't be SO SILLY."
0:31:01 > 0:31:02Excellent!
0:31:04 > 0:31:07Now, which is the largest of the Great Lakes of North America?
0:31:07 > 0:31:09Ontario.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11- KLAXON BLARES - No, it's not Ontario.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14Is it a slightly trick question and is it Hudson?
0:31:14 > 0:31:17- It's not Hudson, no, Hudson Bay. - That big... Oh, that's Hudson Bay.
0:31:17 > 0:31:21Most of us were brought up to believe Lake Superior was the largest lake in the WORLD.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23- That was the other one I was going to get wrong.- Yes.- Yes.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26In fact, all Americans are taught now that it's actually
0:31:26 > 0:31:31Michigan-Huron, which are two lakes together,
0:31:31 > 0:31:34but now considered one lake for various technical reasons.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36- Michigan-Huron. - They were formed - I know this...
0:31:36 > 0:31:41They were formed after an ice age when the ice melted and retreated
0:31:41 > 0:31:43and they left a big puddle, a very big puddle.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45A very big puddle indeed.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47It's connected by the Straits of Mackinac, along the top there.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49But they're considered a single lake
0:31:49 > 0:31:53because they lie at the same elevation and rise and fall together, so they are one lake.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56- They're bigger than Lake Superior. - It is but one lake!- Exactly.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58So, now, who can name a Shakespeare play set in Verona?
0:32:00 > 0:32:02- LAUGHING KOOKABURRA - Yeah?
0:32:02 > 0:32:05- Romeo and Juliet? - Yes, perfect, well done.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07- Ah, thank you.- Well done. - APPLAUSE
0:32:07 > 0:32:09Oh, thank you.
0:32:10 > 0:32:14Yes, you avoided the trap of saying Two Gentlemen Of Verona, which is not set in Verona.
0:32:14 > 0:32:18- He really looked like he was enjoying sitting for that portrait(!)- Yes, he did!
0:32:18 > 0:32:21- Do you know where Two Gentlemen Of Verona IS set?- Birmingham.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Not in Birmingham.
0:32:24 > 0:32:28- But Two Gentlemen Of Verona IS in Italy?- It is in Italy - it's actually set in Milan.- Great.
0:32:28 > 0:32:33The gentlemen themselves are FROM Verona. But well avoided, well avoided, well avoided.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36I went to see The Merchant Of Venice on Broadway, with Al Pacino,
0:32:36 > 0:32:38and that seemed to be set in Brooklyn.
0:32:40 > 0:32:41Yes, that would...
0:32:41 > 0:32:44- AS PACINO:- "Does a Jew not have...
0:32:44 > 0:32:45"FEELINGS?"
0:32:45 > 0:32:48I remember I said to this bloke,
0:32:48 > 0:32:51"I'm appearing in Hamlet at the Globe Theatre." He said, "Are you being facetious?"
0:32:51 > 0:32:54I said, "No, Polonius."
0:32:54 > 0:32:56- LAUGHTER - Very good.
0:32:56 > 0:33:02Finally on "jeography", which country crosses the most time zones?
0:33:02 > 0:33:06- Is it... Oh.- Yeah, go on, go on, do it, do it.- Come along.- Oh, all right.
0:33:06 > 0:33:10- LAUGHING BABY Go on, hey.- Wales.
0:33:10 > 0:33:15You see, I told you! I knew not to do it.
0:33:15 > 0:33:19- And yet you won.- And you're, "Go on, do it."- At least you didn't get a klaxon.
0:33:19 > 0:33:20Well, it was my first...
0:33:20 > 0:33:24- Yeah?- Canada.- No, it's not Canada. - KLAXON BLARES
0:33:24 > 0:33:28- I'm afraid we did...- I think it's a trick, because I think it's going to be a country that's got outposts.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Possessions, you're correct.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32- Is it the United Kingdom? - It's not the United Kingdom.
0:33:32 > 0:33:36We don't count our possessions as all being part of the mother country,
0:33:36 > 0:33:37but one ex-colonial power
0:33:37 > 0:33:40does regard all its outlying possessions as being
0:33:40 > 0:33:42- part of the mother country. - LAUGHING KOOKABURRA
0:33:42 > 0:33:43- France.- France?
0:33:43 > 0:33:45France is right. Oh, yes, you got the buzzer,
0:33:45 > 0:33:47I'll have to give it to Julia.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49- Yes.- You were just too lazy to buzz. - Well, I was...
0:33:49 > 0:33:51You've got to use the buzzer - that's the rule.
0:33:51 > 0:33:52Exactly.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55Yes, so France has 12 different time zones.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58The US has 11 time zones, because of Hawaii being all the way,
0:33:58 > 0:34:01and Russia nine.
0:34:01 > 0:34:05Now, what is the longest thing about this animal?
0:34:05 > 0:34:06Oh, its cock.
0:34:06 > 0:34:10- Oh, dear, oh, dear.- Its ears. - It's a bilby. That's a bilby.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12- It's not a bilby. - Oh, I just lost a point.- Is it not?
0:34:12 > 0:34:14And the longest thing is not the ears,
0:34:14 > 0:34:17we rather hid the longest thing. It's a cute little creature.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19- Is it its tail?- It is the tail.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22- Well done, and let's have a look. - Points!- I was going to say tail!
0:34:22 > 0:34:24- Aw.- Oh, look at that. - It's a cute little thing.
0:34:24 > 0:34:28- Look at him!- It hops like a little kangaroo.- It's easy to catch him, you stick your foot down.
0:34:28 > 0:34:29There it goes.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32- It lives in the Gobi Desert. - JULIA: That is cute.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35And it has a very long tail, as you can see, that it uses for balance
0:34:35 > 0:34:38and, rather like a kangaroo, it can also sit up on it.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Very, very endearing.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43The ears are thought to be, you know, to let the cool...
0:34:43 > 0:34:47to cool itself - the blood cools through the ears. That looks rather dead, that one.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51Well, he's got a... He's treated himself to a Kinder Surprise.
0:34:52 > 0:34:58- He's swallowed the toy and choked on it.- Yeah. And it's called a jerboa.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01- Jerboa.- It's called a jerboa with a J, hence our J.
0:35:01 > 0:35:05It's from an Arabian word in fact, meaning "flesh of the loins",
0:35:05 > 0:35:06rather oddly.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08But it's the same origin as the word gerbil.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10And what is it about humans and big ears?
0:35:10 > 0:35:14- They get bigger.- They get bigger. - The ears get bigger. - Yeah, I mean old...
0:35:14 > 0:35:17So does the nose, is that right?
0:35:17 > 0:35:19Old men do seem to have longer ears,
0:35:19 > 0:35:23but the trouble is, no-one's done a study where they've measured their ears when they were younger
0:35:23 > 0:35:27because it could well be, it's logical...
0:35:27 > 0:35:30- The head's getting smaller. - ..that having large ears is a predictor of a long life.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33- I know what that man did for a living.- What's that?
0:35:33 > 0:35:35He was a bowler hat model.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37JULIA: That is a weird-looking guy.
0:35:37 > 0:35:41- He was a very fine bowler hat model. - I've got quite big ears,
0:35:41 > 0:35:45but I can also see what it's like to be someone whose ears are flat
0:35:45 > 0:35:47against the side of their head, because I can go like that.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49- Oh, my goodness. - And I can hold it,
0:35:49 > 0:35:52and it's like having an instant face-lift, like that.
0:35:52 > 0:35:58- How do you do that?- Well, I can't really talk like this as well.- I see.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02I'll tell you later. It means I can do a thing like when you do it on a roller coaster
0:36:02 > 0:36:04and you're just going over the top, you go...
0:36:04 > 0:36:07LAUGHTER
0:36:14 > 0:36:17I bet your so-called serious brother Jeremy can't do that.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19- He can't do that.- Yeah. There's another way.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22He could host a phone-in about it, though, couldn't he?
0:36:22 > 0:36:25He could. Call in if you can wiggle your ears.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28"Having a problem with your ears? Give us a ring now. Go on."
0:36:28 > 0:36:30He did once on his show genuinely have...
0:36:30 > 0:36:33I thought they were running out of things to do that day.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35He said, "Please..." And, honestly, it wasn't a joke,
0:36:35 > 0:36:39he said, "Please phone in if the sound of your own voice terrifies you."
0:36:41 > 0:36:44That was a phone-in topic. And did anyone call in?
0:36:44 > 0:36:48- People rang in screaming, "Argh!" - Any calls?- Get someone else to ring.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51- Yeah, they had some people ring up. - Sobbing.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53"Help me, I'm so afraid!"
0:36:54 > 0:36:59Anyway, why would the King of France enjoy a naive salad for starters?
0:36:59 > 0:37:02He's got a tiny head - has he got massive ears under that wig?
0:37:04 > 0:37:07Of course, naive backwards is...?
0:37:07 > 0:37:11- Evian.- Evian, as in the water. - Is it?
0:37:11 > 0:37:13- Isn't it? Evian.- Yeah... Yes, it is...- Yes, it is.- ..Mr Fry.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16So it's not that it's backwards that it's relevant,
0:37:16 > 0:37:20but it's that the letters of naive make Evian,
0:37:20 > 0:37:24and the letters of naive salad could be rearranged to make...
0:37:24 > 0:37:28- Dallas.- No, that would be, that would be two Ls, darling.
0:37:28 > 0:37:32- You're absolutely right, carry on. - Yes, yeah. Naive salad.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35See if we can rearrange them. Anyone in the audience who can see what's going on?
0:37:35 > 0:37:40- Alive.- Alan...Davies!
0:37:40 > 0:37:41APPLAUSE
0:37:41 > 0:37:46- JULIA: Aah, yeah!- Naive salad.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49- Of course, I think your middle name is Roger, isn't it?- It is.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51So Alan R Davies would be "anal adviser",
0:37:51 > 0:37:55um, which might be even better.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58The King of France might enjoy an anal adviser.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01Must get a business card done immediately.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03Or you could be "a ladies van".
0:38:03 > 0:38:08But the point is, the Kings of France enjoyed an Anagrammateur Royale -
0:38:08 > 0:38:12a royal anagrammer. It was like a court jester.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15He would make up flattering anagrams of your name.
0:38:15 > 0:38:20We probably know the famous ones, like Britney Spears is an anagram of...?
0:38:20 > 0:38:23Presbyterians, rather strangely, but it is.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26Virginia Bottomley, who was a Tory MP under Margaret Thatcher,
0:38:26 > 0:38:29anagramatises into "I'm an evil Tory bigot".
0:38:31 > 0:38:33Which is just one of those things.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35And you get ones... The ones which always fascinate me
0:38:35 > 0:38:39is "laptop machines" is an anagram of Apple Macintosh,
0:38:39 > 0:38:42- which is very extraordinary, isn't it?- Oh, wacky.
0:38:42 > 0:38:46And in Japan they had a similar sort of wordplay fest,
0:38:46 > 0:38:49which is where someone would start off with a haiku - five, seven,
0:38:49 > 0:38:53five syllables - and then someone would add a seven syllable line.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57It was called the maeku-zuke, responding to the front line.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00And you'd end up making some witty or satirical poem on the fly.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02And that's why I asked you to write a limerick.
0:39:02 > 0:39:06- So have you got a limerick for me? Any of you? I hope you have.- I do.
0:39:06 > 0:39:10- Oh, go on then.- Girls first.- Yeah.
0:39:10 > 0:39:12SHE CLEARS THROAT
0:39:12 > 0:39:15I carouse in a style bacchanalian
0:39:15 > 0:39:18But I sleep in a way marsupalian
0:39:18 > 0:39:20I like to eat cheese
0:39:20 > 0:39:21But I never say please
0:39:21 > 0:39:23Yes, I'm French but I'm also Australian.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25Oh, that's very good!
0:39:28 > 0:39:32It's certainly better than the one I know about an Australian.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34There was a young man from Australia
0:39:34 > 0:39:36Who painted his arse like a dahlia
0:39:36 > 0:39:38Tuppence a smell Was all very well
0:39:38 > 0:39:40But threepence a lick was a failure.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47- Alan, what have you got for us? - I've got...
0:39:47 > 0:39:48There once was a show on TV
0:39:48 > 0:39:51That was always the smart place to be
0:39:51 > 0:39:53I'm fully aware You'd rather be there
0:39:53 > 0:39:55But instead you're stuck here with me.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57Oh, very good.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59I like it.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01I've...
0:40:01 > 0:40:04I've got one about Rob Brydon. Ooh.
0:40:04 > 0:40:07- Ooh!- Just because I've found something that rhymes with Brydon.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09There was a young man called Rob Brydon,
0:40:09 > 0:40:13Whose favourite film was the Poseidon...
0:40:13 > 0:40:14Adventure...
0:40:16 > 0:40:18..and he...
0:40:18 > 0:40:20Would watch it regularly
0:40:20 > 0:40:23That funny old man called Rob Brydon.
0:40:25 > 0:40:29Very good. Excellent because that's not an easy rhyme. Yeah, yeah.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31It's easy to win on QI
0:40:31 > 0:40:33You don't need an IQ that's high
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Try not to be haughty Just be a bit naughty
0:40:35 > 0:40:37And make sure you please Stephen Fry.
0:40:37 > 0:40:39Yo, I like it! Very good.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41I say.
0:40:41 > 0:40:45Highly flattering. Many points.
0:40:45 > 0:40:46Appearing one night on QI
0:40:46 > 0:40:49I made up three facts on the fly
0:40:49 > 0:40:51The first was untrue The second was too
0:40:51 > 0:40:53And the third was about the size of my cock.
0:40:53 > 0:40:54And it was no exaggeration, Julia.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01Yes. Rob, what have you got for us?
0:41:01 > 0:41:04Nothing, as will become evident.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06There once was a chap called Tim Vine...
0:41:06 > 0:41:07Oh, hello.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09Whose punning was simply sublime
0:41:09 > 0:41:12Sat next to Alan... Oh, bugger!
0:41:15 > 0:41:17OK.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19There once was a man called Tim Vine
0:41:19 > 0:41:22Whose punning was more than just fine
0:41:22 > 0:41:26Sat on the panel With no end of flannel
0:41:26 > 0:41:29That lovely young chap called Tim Vine.
0:41:29 > 0:41:30Tim Vine.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32Oh, that's very good, very good. Very, very fine.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34APPLAUSE
0:41:34 > 0:41:37Here's one I read in one of the Piccolo book of jokes.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40There was a young man from Devizes Whose ears were different sizes
0:41:40 > 0:41:42One was quite small And no use at all
0:41:42 > 0:41:45The other was huge and won prizes.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48Oh, that's very sweet. I like that. Excellent. Well,
0:41:48 > 0:41:50the strange thing about limericks is no-one knows why
0:41:50 > 0:41:53they are called limericks. They seem to have no relationship to
0:41:53 > 0:41:56the town of Limerick, but they are and continue to be
0:41:56 > 0:41:58popular and sometimes excessively rude.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00There was a young chaplain from Kings
0:42:00 > 0:42:03Who talked about God and such things
0:42:03 > 0:42:06But his real desire Was a boy in the choir
0:42:06 > 0:42:07With a bottom like jelly on springs.
0:42:10 > 0:42:15- There we go.- Lovely. - Fair enough.- JULIA: Top that!- Yeah.
0:42:16 > 0:42:20That brings us to the somewhat predictable punch line that we call the scores.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22Let's see what's been happening.
0:42:22 > 0:42:23Well, divine as he is,
0:42:23 > 0:42:27I'm afraid in last place with -27 is Tim Vine.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29APPLAUSE
0:42:32 > 0:42:35In a...
0:42:35 > 0:42:39The beau of the valleys is in third place with -6, Rob Brydon.
0:42:39 > 0:42:42APPLAUSE
0:42:42 > 0:42:43Not good.
0:42:43 > 0:42:46And far from a failure,
0:42:46 > 0:42:49that wonderful Franco-Australian Julia, with -3.
0:42:49 > 0:42:53APPLAUSE Oh, phew. Thank you.
0:42:53 > 0:42:55APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:42:55 > 0:42:58It makes men gasp and stretch their eyes,
0:42:58 > 0:43:01Alan Davies is clear winner with +12!
0:43:01 > 0:43:03APPLAUSE
0:43:09 > 0:43:12So that's all from Rob, Julia, Tim, Alan and me.
0:43:12 > 0:43:15Thank you, good night and be extremely pleasant to each other. Bye-bye.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18APPLAUSE
0:43:34 > 0:43:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd