0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Hello.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Welcome to QI, where we are having a veritable chimp's tea party
0:00:40 > 0:00:43with jam, jelly and juice.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48Joining me for my midnight feast, we have the jam-smothered Jo Brand...
0:00:48 > 0:00:51APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:56..the jelly-slathered Liza Tarbuck...
0:00:56 > 0:00:58APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:04..the juice-bedribbled Sue Perkins...
0:01:10 > 0:01:13..and - don't do that on the floor, please - Alan Davies.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Well, it's a midnight feast,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25and just in case anyone sees Matron coming,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27I've equipped my pals with buzzers. Jo goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:30HIGH-PITCHED PARTY HORN BLARES
0:01:30 > 0:01:33- ..Liza goes... - LOWER-PITCHED PARTY HORN BLARES
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- ..Sue goes... - RAUCOUS PARTY HORN BLARES
0:01:35 > 0:01:36..and Alan goes...
0:01:36 > 0:01:39# It's my party and I'll cry if I want to... #
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Party time!
0:01:40 > 0:01:46# You would cry too if it happened to you... #
0:01:46 > 0:01:51And what begins with J and appears to be alive?
0:01:51 > 0:01:52HIGH-PITCHED PARTY HORN BLARES
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Is it me?
0:01:55 > 0:01:59You begin with J, and are most magnificently, radiantly alive.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01He's on the turn.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- LOWER-PITCHED PARTY HORN BLARES - Liza.- James Blunt.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- Closer, I grant you. - RAUCOUS PARTY HORN BLARES
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- Yeah?- Jeremy Clarkson.- Oh!
0:02:09 > 0:02:13SIREN ALARM
0:02:17 > 0:02:23This is something that appears to be alive and quite obviously isn't.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Jedward, then. I'm revising my statement.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30SIREN ALARM
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Oh, Sue, so much work to do!
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Yes, in order to find out if the brain is working, there's a machine that is used by doctors,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45an electroencephalograph.
0:02:45 > 0:02:50You can tell if a brain is alive by attaching it. And there is something that quite manifestly
0:02:50 > 0:02:54isn't alive, but if you attach that same machine to it,
0:02:54 > 0:02:56will give off the same signals as a brain.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Is it jelly?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- Yes.- Fucking hell!
0:03:01 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:06 > 0:03:11I can't quite believe how intelligent I am sometimes.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12- I know...- How did I get that?
0:03:12 > 0:03:13It was wonderful.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17You're a genius. Is it any type of jelly, or is it...?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Sort of large jelly in a mould on which you could fit the electrodes of an EEG.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- That kind of jelly, right. - From its EEG results alone,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28it would not qualify as sufficiently dead
0:03:28 > 0:03:30to have its life support removed.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32That's the point. I know that seems insane.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35All the other jellies sitting round the bedside weeping!
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- Yes! - LAUGHTER
0:03:37 > 0:03:41"He's still alive, he's still alive! You can't turn it off!"
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Comforting one another. There's one outside having a fag...
0:03:44 > 0:03:47"One wobble for yes, two wobbles for no!"
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Neurologist Edwin Upton examined the electroencephalography
0:03:52 > 0:03:54of gelatine desserts, as he put it,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56to make a serious point about brain death.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Because what happens is,
0:03:58 > 0:04:02the jelly picks up extraneous electrical signals in the room
0:04:02 > 0:04:05from sources like respirators, IV drips, even ringing telephones.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07The implication is that a brain
0:04:07 > 0:04:11apparently generating similar signals may in fact be quite dead.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14On the other hand, it may well be quite alive.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17It isn't enough to use an EEG to tell whether someone's alive.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- A jelly is always wobbling just a little bit.- It's always wobbling a little bit.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22But it is rather extraordinary,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25an amazing thought - at least, I think it is.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Lovely thought.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30It doesn't mean EEGs are useless, they just have to be considered with other things
0:04:30 > 0:04:33to suggest whether or not someone is conscious or alive.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Is that an excitable jelly that's suddenly flatlined?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39That's probably enough jelly for the moment.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40There may be more, you never know.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Jelly's made from boiled-up pigskin.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Name as many uses for a pig as you can.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- Erm...- Bacon. - HIGH-PITCHED PARTY HORN BLARES
0:04:49 > 0:04:51- Bacon is one.- Truffle snuffling.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54SUE: Medicine stuff? Medicine cases for tablets?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55LIZA: Oh, for women in pregnancy.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Doesn't it bring on...? For inducing pregnancy.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- It's pig's hormones.- It does if one runs through your front room.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08"Ah!" Pft!
0:05:09 > 0:05:14- Absolutely staggering, what you can get out of a pig. - Yoghurt.- Yes! I have a list.
0:05:14 > 0:05:19Christien Meindertsma wrote a book called Pig 05049,
0:05:19 > 0:05:21which was an anonymous pig,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24and beyond the obvious foodstuffs,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27she found the different parts of this animal offered the following pork derivatives.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31From the skin alone, safety gloves, cosmetic surgery.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- Collagen comes from pig skin.- Oh.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Energy bars, which also have collagen in, low-fat butter,
0:05:37 > 0:05:39chewing gum, X-ray film,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42drug capsules, bread-flour improver, made from pig hair,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44would you believe?
0:05:44 > 0:05:48- Wow.- The skin is also used for tattoo practise.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49And ballistic gelatine.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54That's just the skin. Then there's the internal organs. Pet food...
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Tambourine skins are made from a pig's bladder.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58For the old tambourine.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I knew those folkies were evil.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06There are many thousands of people who are alive because of a pig's valve from their heart.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09From the bones, cheap wine corks, would you believe?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Stabilising propellant in bullet-making,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14inkjet paper, concrete,
0:06:14 > 0:06:18match heads, bone china, train brakes, yoghurt,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- which you correctly mentioned. - What's a train brake? - It's for stopping a train.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- Like where you go to Scotland for the weekend?- For stopping it.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Just a trotter out. He just leans forward.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Fabric softener. Who knew? Beer,
0:06:30 > 0:06:32wine, ice-cream.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36From the fat, biodiesels, soap, shampoos, crayons.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39From the blood, cigarette filters, amazingly,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41toothpaste and paintbrushes.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Chemical-weapons testing - the ears are used
0:06:44 > 0:06:46in chemical-weapons testing. Don't ask me why.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53I should hasten to add that not all toothpaste and not all yoghurt contain it.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56But if you are a Muslim or Jewish, you've got a problem discovering what's got pig in it.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- Have your work cut out. - You have your work cut out, like a silhouettist.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04What is Arabica gum, then?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Gum Arabic.- Gum Arabic.- Isn't that a tree?- It's a resin from a tree.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- Thank God, it's the only thing that's not piggy.- It basically is.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13From the Acacia tree, in fact.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17According to Bloomberg, there are 42 major areas of manufacturing
0:07:17 > 0:07:19that entirely rely on pork products.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22It's quite astonishing what one animal can do.
0:07:22 > 0:07:27It's the only farmyard animal, if you discount truffle hunting,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29it is only useful when dead.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34Oh, you say that, you've never gambled with a pig, come on!
0:07:34 > 0:07:37They're terrible gamblers. Poker, blackjack...
0:07:37 > 0:07:40But obviously, ducks and geese and hens lay eggs
0:07:40 > 0:07:43and goats and cows give milk and sheep give...
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- Companionship. Love.- I know they do offer those, it is true.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50My brother's got a pig, and that's very true of that one.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52They are very endearing animals.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Tell her to be careful, though, because I knew a farmer that had a heart attack
0:07:56 > 0:07:58while he was feeding his pigs, and they ate him.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Oh, yes, well, I'm afraid...
0:07:59 > 0:08:01You don't want to get into a pen with one
0:08:01 > 0:08:03that's approaching sexual maturity,
0:08:03 > 0:08:05as I know to my cost.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- Really?- Yes. It's basically like... - How are the piglets?!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14They've got names, Alan! It's like...
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Porky and Perkins!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Pinky and Perkins!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27It's scary, it's like a pork piano,
0:08:27 > 0:08:29because they breed pigs very long now, cos everyone likes chops.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31So you get incredibly long pigs.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33With a huge row of udders you can see on the sow, can't you?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35And it just runs at you in a sort of matey way.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- This was obviously the boar, the male.- Yes, she wasn't interested.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Although I was trying to catch her eye.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43A lovely thought. Anyway, there you are.
0:08:43 > 0:08:49From jelly to jam, what is speech jam?
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Is speech jam that sort of white crust that John McCririck gets...
0:08:53 > 0:08:54SHOUTING AND GROANING
0:08:54 > 0:08:58I actually made myself feel sick.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03We can test out speech jam.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Is it like a symptom of a psychiatric...
0:09:06 > 0:09:10It's not exactly that, it's a problem that occurs to our ability to, ah, our ability...
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- our ability to speak! - You've been jammed!
0:09:12 > 0:09:17Like that. It stops you from being able to speak properly.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23That is a very good example of what might cause speech jam.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28If you hear your own voice back while you speak, not in real time,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31but only a fifth of a second afterwards,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34it is almost impossible to read out, and we'll do a test.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Alan, you can be our guinea pig, all right?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- OK.- You should see some earphones. - Is that why these are here? - Those are earphones.
0:09:39 > 0:09:44Some Japanese people built a handheld device with a directional mic and speaker
0:09:44 > 0:09:49which works as a speech jamming gun. We've made our own one up.
0:09:49 > 0:09:55I am going to give you something to read, and as it's about jams this is Mrs Beeton's Everyday Cookery,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57the classic work.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59And it is her chapter on marmalade and jams.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03All you have to do is start to read in a normal voice and then,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06at some point, we will engage...
0:10:06 > 0:10:09All we'll do is have your own voice repeated back at you
0:10:09 > 0:10:12a fifth of a second afterwards.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16All right. So, start reading in a normal, clear voice...
0:10:16 > 0:10:18about marmalade and jams, OK?
0:10:19 > 0:10:23"Marmalades and jams differ little from each other.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26"They are preserves of half-liquid consistency, made by..."
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- I'm going to squeeze the trigger now.- "..and sometimes part of the rinds with sugar.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33"The term 'marmalade' is applied to those comfitures
0:10:33 > 0:10:35"which are composed of the firmer fruits,
0:10:35 > 0:10:41"as pineapples or the rinds of oranges, whereas jams are made of the more juicy berries,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- "such as strawberries, raspberries..." - LAUGHTER
0:10:44 > 0:10:49"Jams require the same care and attention in the boiling as marmalade.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50"The slightest degree of burning..."
0:10:50 > 0:10:54APPLAUSE
0:10:54 > 0:10:59- "And if they're not boiled properly, they will not..."- Stop!
0:10:59 > 0:11:01You can stop there. Well done.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Do you think Alan's a genius and it doesn't work on him?
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Shall we try it on Jo, then?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I have to say, Alan...
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Did you hear your voice back?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- Yeah, it's weird.- Oh, really?
0:11:16 > 0:11:20All right. We'll try it with you, Jo. I'm going to start with it on, frankly.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22And just... Just read.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26"Having secured the most important..."
0:11:26 > 0:11:29SHE SPEAKS GIBBERISH
0:11:29 > 0:11:34- Thank God it works for you! - I've got schizophrenia...now!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38It really is amazing. Do you want to try?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- Yeah!- Honestly, Alan, I'm absolutely staggered,
0:11:41 > 0:11:44cos I tried it this afternoon and I found it impossible.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48I kept trying to hurry up and speak faster to somehow try and beat it.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I think it's cos I hate cookery!
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- BANGING - Whoa! Hello.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58- Knocked something over? - What's that resting on, Stephen?
0:11:58 > 0:12:02So, if you just start to read normally and then I'll engage. So read...
0:12:02 > 0:12:06- Phew!- "The fruits most fit for preservation in syrup are apricots,
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- "peaches, nectarines..."- And...
0:12:08 > 0:12:13"..apples, greengages, plums of all kinds and pears.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17"As an example, take some apricots - not too ripe..."
0:12:17 > 0:12:21"..make a small slit up its bottom
0:12:21 > 0:12:26"and serve it whole on the end of a butt plug.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29"After being thoroughly dried,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32"they should be stored in airtight tins,"
0:12:32 > 0:12:37and given to really mean people.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- You made that up! - I didn't. It's all there.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Mrs Beeton - dirty old thing.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Now I'm just confused!
0:12:45 > 0:12:46You love it!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49APPLAUSE
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Well, I... Do you want to swap places? You have a go.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Yeah, I'll have a go. I want to read what happens to Mrs Beeton's butt plug!
0:12:56 > 0:13:00- It's very amusing to read about the butt plug but...- OK, with you now.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- You got it? Marmalade.- Yep.- OK, go.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05"Marmalades and jams differ little from each other.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07"They are preserves of half-liquid consistency,
0:13:07 > 0:13:12"made by boiling the pulp of fruits, and sometimes part of the rinds, with sugar.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16SLURRING: "The term 'marmalade' is applied to those comfitures
0:13:16 > 0:13:20"which are composed of..."
0:13:20 > 0:13:21LAUGHTER
0:13:21 > 0:13:26"..or pineapple." I sound drunk now!
0:13:26 > 0:13:31"Whereas jams...are made of more juicy berries,
0:13:31 > 0:13:36"such as strawberries, raspberries,
0:13:36 > 0:13:40"currants, mulberries et cetera. Jam..."
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Ow, my head! Where's everyone gone?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Well done.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50It's quite odd. It's very...
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Very interesting experiment.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Quite extraordinary, Alan. You didn't seem to stop in your stride at all.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59It did affect you quite noticeably.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03- But does that mean he's really intelligent?- I don't know.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08- I think it might be the other way round.- It is very unusual.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12What it oddly, and counterintuitively, is used for is to help people with stammers.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16- Wow!- You were having your voice delayed...
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I think, maybe, because if you work as an actor,
0:14:18 > 0:14:23you do have to remember to say things when really odd things are happening around you.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- Maybe that is partly it, yes. - I think that's right, actually.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- That's why I could do it, cos of radio.- Ah, that could be it. Yes.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- It makes you feel sick, actually. - It is a horrible feeling.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36There used to be an act called verbal shadowing,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39in which people would basically shadow what someone said.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- ..said.- As you can do while I'm doing it now.
0:14:43 > 0:14:49Everything I say, you are repeating it just a second after I'm saying it.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51You can do that, as well, can't you?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54While I'm speaking, you can follow what I'm saying
0:14:54 > 0:14:57and predict exactly what it is...
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- ..You're going to say.- Very like the Lord's Prayer at primary school.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Anyway, it's quite interesting and I was very impressed.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I thought you would be all over the shop and you were clearest of us all.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Now, OK, so, from jam to juice.
0:15:13 > 0:15:18I've got jumbo wrists and I'm covered in tit juice. What have I been up to?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20HIGH-PITCHED PARTY HORN BLARES
0:15:20 > 0:15:23You've changed!
0:15:23 > 0:15:28Is it a night out with Tarbuck and Perkins?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Jumbo wrists and covered in tit juice.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Sounds like a milk maid to me.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Do you mean tit juice as in bosoms or as in a bird?
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Nor, indeed... Neither.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40It's an occupational hazard.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- Fishing?- Fishing. It's a fisherman's occupational hazard.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- There is a fishing boat. - There's Lara covered in tit juice.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- Yeah.- Awash with it. Yeah.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51You get jumbo wrist simply from
0:15:51 > 0:15:53repetitive strain injury from gutting the fish.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56But tit juice conjunctivitis, to give its proper name,
0:15:56 > 0:16:00is the acute swelling of the eyes caused by the juice of tits -
0:16:00 > 0:16:02which are sometimes called duffs,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04but tits is the most common name -
0:16:04 > 0:16:07which are described in the Ship Captain's Medical Guide as
0:16:07 > 0:16:11"marine growths that look like suet dumplings with finger-like growths
0:16:11 > 0:16:12"protruding from them."
0:16:12 > 0:16:15When they get caught in fishing nets, they explode,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18releasing millions of tiny silicon needles,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21which go into the fisherman's eyes.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- Oh, God.- So that's what causes the swelling.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Is this sort of stuff just generally in lakes and oceans?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Well, if you work every day amongst fish,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33there's all kinds of stuff on there aside from the fish you're trying to catch.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37For example, there's a thing called Dogger Bank itch.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39SUE: I'm guilty as charged!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- You do, don't you? - You got Dogger Bank there!
0:16:43 > 0:16:46All I said was...!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48You can also get haddock rash.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Haddock rash? JO:- Why are you looking at me?
0:16:53 > 0:16:57That's an inflammation between the fingers from gutting wet fish.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I do often take a fish to bed with me, then I can say to my husband,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"Not tonight, dear, I've got a HADDOCK."
0:17:02 > 0:17:04GROANING
0:17:04 > 0:17:06APPLAUSE
0:17:06 > 0:17:09That's very good.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12It does sound like when you've just given birth as well,
0:17:12 > 0:17:16cos with all those fittings, you do have swollen bits.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Oh, yes, a lot of women, when they give birth,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22can't take their wedding ring off ever again, can they?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25No, and they're pissed off about it.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27APPLAUSE
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Tit juice conjunctivitis, jumbo wrist and Dogger Bank itch
0:17:35 > 0:17:38are occupational hazards of fishermen.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42What was unique about Fannie Farmer's cup size?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Is that Fannie Farmer in the Grant Woods...
0:17:46 > 0:17:48That is the Grant Woods famous picture American Gothic.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50That isn't Fannie Farmer. It's just...
0:17:50 > 0:17:54That woman doesn't appear to have a cup size at all.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58It's called American Gothic. It's a famous painting. It's not really the point of our question.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00They're farmers - that's the point. But Fannie Farmer...
0:18:00 > 0:18:04- It sounds like a Viz character! - It does, doesn't it?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- My great grandmother was called Fanny Binks.- Fanny Binks?
0:18:07 > 0:18:11- Fanny Binks.- Mine was Fanny Carfoot. - Fanny Carfoot?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Yeah, Fanny Carfoot and Fanny Tarbuck. Two Fannys.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- A right pair of Fannys. - Right pair of Fannys.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22Is it because Fannie's cup size - one boob is bigger than the other?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25No, it's not that and it's nothing to do with fanny farming being an occupation.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- Fanny farming?!- Yes.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I never thought I'd hear him saying that.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35We need to start a campaign now. We need to have a march.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- Fanny farming next to a mink farm. - It's a nightmare!
0:18:38 > 0:18:42This is a person whose name was Fannie Farmer.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Was it cup size as in bra or as in size of cup that she drank from?
0:18:46 > 0:18:51- Size of cup that she... Not drank from.- Measuring cup?- Measuring cup.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53She's the mother of the measuring cup.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Before Fannie Farmer, cookery books were really hopeless.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59They'd say, "Add a jug of milk," and nobody knew how much a jug was.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03"Add a bit of this and a bit of that or half a bit of that and half a bit of this."
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- As you know if you've used an American cookbook...- Bish bosh!
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- Exactly!- Here's Percy Pepper!
0:19:09 > 0:19:13In... In Europe, we use weights,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15which is really dull and stupid.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Everything has to be weighed. In America,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20they use quantities, so it's cups. So you literally...
0:19:20 > 0:19:22It doesn't matter - as long as the proportion's right...
0:19:22 > 0:19:27So "half a cup of rice" - pour in half a cup of rice. Two cups of water.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30It doesn't matter how big the cup is. The proportion is what matters.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34And she devised a system, whereby one jug is 16 cups
0:19:34 > 0:19:36and you knew exactly how much a teaspoon is.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38And the one thing insisted on,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41so that it could all be made easy, is that it's all level.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45So a cup of sugar is a level cup of sugar, not heaped,
0:19:45 > 0:19:46so that you can't go wrong.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50She made the first kind of error-free cookbooks that everyone could follow.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53They're awful, those early cookbooks. I've looked at some.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57- The ones before her...- Curry or whatever it is, the second one.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Eliza Acton and people like that, yes.- It's, "Take a goodly pinch of this..."
0:20:00 > 0:20:03That's precisely what annoyed her - the goodly pinch.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08- It's a lovely phrase but not very helpful.- It's a lovely experience!
0:20:08 > 0:20:09It is.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Ooh!
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Isn't it great, though, that she's just got fed up
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- and she's just devised...- Yeah,
0:20:17 > 0:20:19and Mrs Beeton, whose book you read out of,
0:20:19 > 0:20:22she died only four years after her book came out. How old was she?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- She was 29.- 28, in fact, so she wrote it when she was 24.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30- Huge success. Her husband went on to be very successful.- 24?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- You imagine her to be matronly and...- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Yes, I know, because of the "Mrs", somehow.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Her husband - he had a magazine called Beeton's Christmas Annual.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43In 1887, it published a story. I wonder if you can name it.
0:20:43 > 0:20:451887 - it wasn't Dickens. It was the very first story
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- featuring a man called Sherlock Holmes.- Oh!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51It was called A Study In Scarlet.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53That was after, sadly, Mrs Beeton had died.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54What did Mrs Beeton die of?
0:20:54 > 0:20:59There's a suggestion - a rumour - that it was syphilis but that sounds most unfortunate
0:20:59 > 0:21:01and we don't like to think of such a thing of such a woman.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Historical death - if in doubt...
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Isabella Beeton. Anyway...
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Describe Marie Antoinette's breast cups.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Oh, yes, I know the answer to this, cos I've seen one.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Not her bosoms, but...
0:21:15 > 0:21:20They modelled various plates and cups and things
0:21:20 > 0:21:22on breasts, on boobs.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26I hate the word "breasts". Let's just say jugs. Tits.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- I like titties.- Norks. Do you?
0:21:28 > 0:21:32- You heard it here first! LIZA:- Will you say that again?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34No, as a word - titties.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36"I like titties"!
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- It's official!- It is!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41# In the morning... #
0:21:41 > 0:21:44# I've got a lovely bunch of... #
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I'm rather old-fashioned. Titties. I like titties.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- One of them had a little nipple, as well.- Absolutely right.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54It was during that phase she had, which was started by Madame de Pompadour,
0:21:54 > 0:21:55which was pretending to be a peasant.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59She lived in the most sophisticated, glittering palace in the world,
0:21:59 > 0:22:03in Versailles, but she liked to pretend to be a milkmaid.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06She had gold churns hanging off her and things like that.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- This was considered to be incredibly...- That's a massive cow!
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- Look at the size of it!- Or a very small little girl, one or the other.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Anyway, the great porcelain works of Sevres, in France,
0:22:17 > 0:22:21made for her at the command of King Louis XVI,
0:22:21 > 0:22:25these extraordinary cups, which were like breasts - there you can see the nipple -
0:22:25 > 0:22:28out of which she would drink milk.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- That's the kind you're talking about.- Yeah.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34They're on display in Petit Trianon, which was her little farmyard,
0:22:34 > 0:22:36her play farmyard,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39and you can buy replicas if you wish to have one in your own house.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- I'm sure...- I do.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44- I want two!- You know where to go.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- I want the pair!- You should have a pair, to be honest.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- A matching pair, ideally.- No-one wants to drink out of a lone boob.
0:22:52 > 0:22:57There is a bra makers who say they can tell what size you are
0:22:57 > 0:23:00just by looking at you.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Which I think is quite impressive, so I had to go along and find out.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07And they usher you into a room and get you to take everything off. This woman looked at me and went,
0:23:07 > 0:23:11"Hmm, not quite as bad as I'd expected."
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Bloody cheek!
0:23:13 > 0:23:14- What a nerve!- I know.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18I had the same thing, you know, you go down and you have to
0:23:18 > 0:23:20gurge yourself up for these things - you're showing your...
0:23:20 > 0:23:22titties off...
0:23:22 > 0:23:25And this woman's just come in, with three people that she's training,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28gone like that with the curtain, looked at me and went,
0:23:28 > 0:23:30"Can't help you," and shut it again.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33I was like that...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- Shocking.- Yeah, really was shocking.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38"I'll make you a bra, but I can't help you."
0:23:39 > 0:23:42We don't get this problem from our underpanters, do we?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44We certainly do not.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Mr Klein will hand over his pants to you
0:23:48 > 0:23:51without any opprobrious comments.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52How extraordinary.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- The things you girls go through. - Poor us!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Brr! It's been...
0:24:00 > 0:24:01There are those titties again!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03APPLAUSE
0:24:07 > 0:24:08- LIZA:- "Brr!"
0:24:08 > 0:24:11It's like that awful joke of the man who goes to the doctor and says,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"I'm obsessed with breasts. I can't do anything about it."
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Doctor says, "I'll do a word-association test - see how bad it is."
0:24:17 > 0:24:20He says, "Newspapers." "Breasts, breasts, breasts!"
0:24:20 > 0:24:23"Why?" "Well, I take The Sun - page three. It's just breasts, breasts."
0:24:23 > 0:24:26"OK, fair enough. Tennis racquets." "Breasts, breasts, breasts!"
0:24:26 > 0:24:30"Why?" "Wimbledon - all those tennis players with their breasts. You see them moving."
0:24:30 > 0:24:34"Oh, God, OK. Windscreen wipers." "Breasts, breasts, breasts!"
0:24:34 > 0:24:36"What?! How can you say that from windscreen wipers?"
0:24:36 > 0:24:39HE SLURPS
0:24:39 > 0:24:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Tonight's the night you turn!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52What's the other myth about Marie Antoinette's breasts
0:24:52 > 0:24:54that has persisted to this day?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56To do with another drink.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- They lived on after her death. - No!- Champagne?
0:24:58 > 0:25:03Champagne comes in either a flute or tulip glass or in a...?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- In a nipple, kind of... - It's called a coupe.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09And there was this idea that the coupe was based on
0:25:09 > 0:25:12the size and shape of Marie Antoinette's breasts.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16But the standard coupe, it appears, would make her a 36B,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19and paintings show she was likely to be a little bigger than that.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21- I love it that someone's done that research!- Yes.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25You know those fantastic massive china cooking bowls
0:25:25 > 0:25:27that have a lip on the edge of them?
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Oh, yes.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30They're based on my titties.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34- Are they?! - You know an ironing board?
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- They're based on mine.- Oh, stop it! No, no, no, no.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- I'm saying nothing! - You've all got lovely, lovely...
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I've seen St Paul's!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48APPLAUSE
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Wouldn't it be dull if every street had exactly the same frontage everywhere?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59It would be dull if all girls had the same frontage.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00You've all got lovely frontages.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Now, some milk. Milk and the fad for dairy was
0:26:04 > 0:26:06very popular amongst French nobles,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09right up until the point when the guillotine cured
0:26:09 > 0:26:10all their problems permanently.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14So, what's the smallest thing that you can milk?
0:26:14 > 0:26:18It's got to be a mammal, hasn't it? Cos only mammals produce milk.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- That's not strictly true.- Uh-oh!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22- An insect?- It's an insect, yes.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- Cockroach?- It ruins the lives of thousands.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28- Mosquito?- Not quite as bad as a mosquito, which ruins the lives of millions.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- Tsetse fly. - Tsetse fly is the right answer.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33The tsetse fly is unique.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35They're very ugly and unpleasant,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37and if you've been bitten by one, it's horrible.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41- It's disgustingly painful. - Have you been bitten by one? - Yes, very painful.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44In Kenya somewhere. Really, really unpleasant.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Fortunately, I did not get sleeping sickness,
0:26:46 > 0:26:50which kills about 48,000 people a year.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52But this is unique.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55The female fly keeps her eggs and larvae inside her uterus,
0:26:55 > 0:26:58where she makes a liquid rich in fats
0:26:58 > 0:27:00called intrauterine milk.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03She eventually gives birth to one larva at a time,
0:27:03 > 0:27:05so it's genuinely suckled by its mother.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08So, it's sucking from, like, a milk sack?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Yes, this intrauterine milk.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Extraordinary, isn't it?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15But otherwise, it's a vicious creature and much unwanted.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19They're also host to a symbiotic bacterium called Wigglesworthia,
0:27:19 > 0:27:23named after, someone called, of course, Jones. No!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25No, Wigglesworth.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27He was an expert on kissing bugs,
0:27:27 > 0:27:31which are blood-sucking insects that kiss you around the mouth and lips - very unpleasant.
0:27:31 > 0:27:36- I've had a few of them.- Ha, yes! They bite humans on the face and lips,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38and as they feed, they also defecate, annoyingly.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41And as they defecate, the parasite inside their faeces causes...
0:27:41 > 0:27:43I've been out with blokes like that.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- I don't know why you're looking at me!- Not you!
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Causes something called Chagas disease, which is extremely unpleasant.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- Cheggers?- Not Cheggers, no!
0:27:52 > 0:27:54It makes you strip off.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56It makes you take your clothes off on Channel 5.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58No, it's Chagas, not Cheggers.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00But the Wigglesworthia is interesting
0:28:00 > 0:28:03as it has the smallest genome of any known living thing.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07So it's very important in genetics to discover it as an organism
0:28:07 > 0:28:12to see what the absolute minimum genome necessary is for life.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15We've got some quite small gnomes in our garden, as well.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16No, GENOME... Oh, no...
0:28:16 > 0:28:19You've got the fishing genome,
0:28:19 > 0:28:22crossing-the-bridge genome...
0:28:22 > 0:28:24- The G is silent.- The IT genome!
0:28:26 > 0:28:29What's interesting and might save hundreds of thousands of African lives
0:28:29 > 0:28:33is that, without that particular Wigglesworthia,
0:28:33 > 0:28:34female tsetse flies are sterile.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37So, we could eradicate them as a problem in Africa,
0:28:37 > 0:28:39which would be a good thing.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Anyway, that's the tsetse fly.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43It's only a centimetre long, not even a mammal,
0:28:43 > 0:28:47but it gives birth to live young, which it feeds on milk.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49It's party-treat time now.
0:28:49 > 0:28:50Isn't this exciting?
0:28:50 > 0:28:53I've got something really interesting for you to try.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55It's powdered Miracle Berry.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58You should have a little cup like this.
0:28:58 > 0:29:03If you instantly put that pill in your cup in your mouth...
0:29:03 > 0:29:06- Promise it's not going to hurt you. - We don't even question!
0:29:06 > 0:29:08- Don't swallow it. - We're just doing it!- "Yes, Stephen!"
0:29:08 > 0:29:11- Please do it, don't swallow it. - "Show me your titties."
0:29:11 > 0:29:14We've been down this road before, mister!
0:29:14 > 0:29:16- It's from fruit.- It's in.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18"Only bite it when you see the whites of the eyes!"
0:29:18 > 0:29:21Don't bite it, don't bite it, just roll it round your mouth and tongue.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25It's quite sweet. It takes a little time to work, but when it does, it's extraordinary.
0:29:25 > 0:29:30- It's like a dead Refresher.- Is my head just going to open like that?
0:29:30 > 0:29:34But just try to do a bit of action on it, just so you can get it to dissolve...
0:29:34 > 0:29:36Spread it all over your tongue.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39It is quite miraculous. It's why it's called the Miracle Fruit - it's rather exciting.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41- I slightly crunched mine. - Don't swallow it.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43SHE CHOKES Why not?!
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Keep it in your mouth.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48There's a good reason, I want for it to cover all of your tongue,
0:29:48 > 0:29:52cos it does something extraordinary to your tongue - that's what you're going to discover. So keep sucking.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55I must remember this speech!
0:29:55 > 0:29:58Can you look away?!
0:30:01 > 0:30:04If you made them swallow...
0:30:04 > 0:30:06"It does something extraordinary to your tongue!
0:30:06 > 0:30:07"Don't swallow it!"
0:30:09 > 0:30:12Do you feel you've more or less coated yourself in it?
0:30:12 > 0:30:15What it does - it gets rid of your tongue's ability
0:30:15 > 0:30:17to detect sour and bitter,
0:30:17 > 0:30:19so I want you to take a bite on this lemon.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22You'll find when you bite on the lemon, it's not exactly sweet,
0:30:22 > 0:30:25but it really takes away 90% of its sourness.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28I'm going in.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32I've done a lot of coating.
0:30:32 > 0:30:33Oh, that's delicious!
0:30:33 > 0:30:35- Extraordinary. - That's good, isn't it?
0:30:35 > 0:30:37None of you has really pulled an "agh" face.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40That's like a really sweet orange.
0:30:40 > 0:30:41Exactly. It's bizarre.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45- I'm going to regret it later.- It is a most extraordinary experience.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48That'll last about half an hour - 20 minutes, half an hour.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51I'm going to have chronic gastritis in 20 minutes.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54It was very popular, this Miracle Fruit.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57They used to have parties where they had a rainbow of different flavours
0:30:57 > 0:31:00that would occur because it takes away
0:31:00 > 0:31:02your ability to taste the bitter or the sour,
0:31:02 > 0:31:03or, indeed, the salt,
0:31:03 > 0:31:06so everything becomes sweet but retains a little of its own flavour.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08- But it does work.- Amazing.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10- It is.- Although it is vitamin C,
0:31:10 > 0:31:13so internally, I'm rebelling.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17Just the fact it might have been slightly healthy!
0:31:17 > 0:31:20A friend of mine used to go and feed the horse
0:31:20 > 0:31:24at the bottom of his garden when he was a kid
0:31:24 > 0:31:27bits of lemon, because it used to make brilliant faces when he...
0:31:29 > 0:31:31- That's just naughty!- It is cruel.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33- That's very naughty. - Very entertaining.
0:31:33 > 0:31:38- I'm going to save mine for later, I'll give one to a friend. - Sure you are(!)
0:31:41 > 0:31:42APPLAUSE
0:31:42 > 0:31:46It's just so bad!
0:31:46 > 0:31:48Makes it taste so much nicer!
0:31:48 > 0:31:51- It's just...- We've witnessed something big tonight!
0:31:51 > 0:31:53- It's all over. - "It tastes lovely for half an hour."
0:31:55 > 0:31:59- LIZA:- "My favourite word is titties!"
0:32:01 > 0:32:05It's not sour any more, is it? Not sour any more.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07You are so bad! Honestly, honestly.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09- SUE:- "It does amazing things to your tongue."
0:32:09 > 0:32:12You are so naughty tonight. I'm very, very disappointed.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15I thought the girls would be well behaved, but I'm just so wrong.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17We are! You said, "Put it in your mouth."
0:32:17 > 0:32:20We just put it in our mouths.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23That's what girls are so good at - it's the innocent, wide-eyed...
0:32:23 > 0:32:26"Ooh, ooh!"
0:32:27 > 0:32:29Ooh. Anyway, Miracle Berries
0:32:29 > 0:32:32have the miraculous property of making sour things taste sweet.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36So, now, which international institution
0:32:36 > 0:32:38had one man and his dog as members?
0:32:38 > 0:32:40That was it?
0:32:40 > 0:32:44- No, they had lots and lots of other members. - But they weren't men, presumably?
0:32:44 > 0:32:46All the others were women. And human.
0:32:46 > 0:32:47The WI?
0:32:47 > 0:32:49Yes, the WI.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51- Really?- And Lassie.
0:32:51 > 0:32:52The WI... It wasn't that particular man -
0:32:52 > 0:32:55this is an example, in case you're stupid,
0:32:55 > 0:32:57of what a man and his dog look like.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59Cos you might not know.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02He's literally blowing smoke up its arse.
0:33:04 > 0:33:08"Bloody dog moved!" "Well, we'll have to use it, we're out of film!"
0:33:11 > 0:33:14When the WI was formed, the nascent WI, this particular man,
0:33:14 > 0:33:17Colonel Richard Stapleton-Cotton, was an enormous fan,
0:33:17 > 0:33:19a great admirer, and so...
0:33:19 > 0:33:23- Popped a frock on! - He and his dog Tinker were both members and paid their annual fees.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25But they were the only males ever to be members.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28Guess which country the WI was started in.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30- Canada.- Yes, good God! How did you do that?
0:33:30 > 0:33:33I'm on a roll, I just know WI stuff! I don't know!
0:33:33 > 0:33:36Started in Canada - absolutely right.
0:33:36 > 0:33:40It was the Women's Department of the Farmers' Institute of South Wentworth,
0:33:40 > 0:33:43with the aim to promote that knowledge of household science which will lead to
0:33:43 > 0:33:45improvement in household architecture,
0:33:45 > 0:33:47with special attention to home sanitation.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50Though then, of course, it broadened its horizons.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53It was said that the WI should be grave and gay, which is nice.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55SUE: Yep, that sounds like me.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58And should explore the world together and learn as much about
0:33:58 > 0:34:02growing roses in your garden or trimming hats as about
0:34:02 > 0:34:04darkest Africa or Bolshevism.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06Which is why they're also famous for
0:34:06 > 0:34:08having lecturers coming to address them.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10They absorbed knowledge.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12And they do an extraordinary amount of charity work.
0:34:12 > 0:34:16They donate 24 million hours of their time
0:34:16 > 0:34:19to community work every year in the UK.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22There's a double J association with the WI,
0:34:22 > 0:34:25as it's our letter J. It's a sort of nickname for them.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28- Jam and Jerusalem.- Jam and Jerusalem. Jerusalem is their anthem
0:34:28 > 0:34:30and jam-making is what people think they do.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34Obviously, their remit is wider, and they were very patriotic during the war -
0:34:34 > 0:34:36did all kinds of things, especially with rabbits.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39"Turning bunnies into bombs" was their slogan,
0:34:39 > 0:34:41as they tried to breed rabbits for food.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44That picture we saw earlier - I wish I'd been born in that time.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47- You like those dowdy hats? - I like those.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49I wouldn't have had to make any effort whatsoever.
0:34:49 > 0:34:53- It looks great.- IN COCKNEY ACCENT: But everybody spoke like that.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55They talk like that all the time.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Look at those berets. Amazing. They don't look very cheerful,
0:34:58 > 0:35:00and one of them's knitting.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02One-handed, which is really saying something.
0:35:04 > 0:35:05There's Arthur Askey on the end!
0:35:05 > 0:35:10They're voting, "Shall we allow the Colonel and his dog to become members?" And they all voted yes.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12"Who's been felt up by the Colonel?" "I have.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15"Dirty little bugger.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18- "That dog, always sniffing around." - Oh, dear.
0:35:18 > 0:35:22Anyway, Colonel Stapleton-Cotton was his name, and his dog, Tinker.
0:35:22 > 0:35:26They're the only two non-females ever to be admitted to the Women's Institute.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29Can you name a matriarchal society?
0:35:29 > 0:35:30HIGH-PITCHED PARTY HORN
0:35:30 > 0:35:34- Yes?- There's a very small matriarchal society in my house.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38Your family! Yes, well,
0:35:38 > 0:35:40all kinds of claims have been made but most anthropologists
0:35:40 > 0:35:45would say none. In all societies, ultimately men have the power.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48There are certainly matrilineal societies, like Jewish societies.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51I'm Jewish cos my mother is, although my father isn't.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53So your identity goes down your mother's line.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56But essentially, men have the political power in all societies.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58No-one has ever really named one.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02The closest you could get - the Mosuo people, also known as the Na,
0:36:02 > 0:36:05on the China-Tibet border. They don't practise marriage at all.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09What they want to do is they want to put their necklaces on before they put the hat on.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14Well spotted!
0:36:16 > 0:36:19Terrible error!
0:36:19 > 0:36:21I thought this was only in Carry On Up The Khyber
0:36:21 > 0:36:25but there is a tribe of north-east India, called the Khasi.
0:36:25 > 0:36:29There really is! Again, the fathers have no rights or responsibilities
0:36:29 > 0:36:32within their families but they do have the political power.
0:36:32 > 0:36:36- That is...- So is that all? Is having political power absolutely the...
0:36:36 > 0:36:38"Archy" is about power. "Archos" is Greek...
0:36:38 > 0:36:41"Monarchy" is about single power
0:36:41 > 0:36:46and "oligarch" means the power belonging to a few, and so on.
0:36:46 > 0:36:50But it seems that no anthropologist would argue that there is any
0:36:50 > 0:36:51truly matriarchal society.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54- Yet the Spice Girls did such great work on that front!- They did!
0:36:54 > 0:36:58- Never really took off as a movement, did it?- We like power to be shared.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00We wouldn't like power to be in the hands of either one sex...
0:37:00 > 0:37:04WE'D like power to be shared. You're all right!
0:37:04 > 0:37:06I agree! I said "we".
0:37:07 > 0:37:11You can be our leader as long as you confess again that you like titties.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14- I do. I love titties!- A titty-arch?!
0:37:15 > 0:37:18- The man's a titty-arch! - From jam and Jerusalem
0:37:18 > 0:37:23to simply jam now. I can never get enough jam so let's test our taste buds
0:37:23 > 0:37:24with a selection of preserves.
0:37:24 > 0:37:29- What's the main ingredient of fish jam?- I sense a trap!
0:37:30 > 0:37:32I'm just going to walk into it.
0:37:32 > 0:37:37Fish jam is a nickname given by British soldiers to something they really didn't like.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40- Trench foot, or...?- No, the clue is, it was in the Crimean War.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43It was given to them as food in the Crimean War -
0:37:43 > 0:37:45the British Army - and they didn't like it.
0:37:45 > 0:37:49- Like fish paste?- Caviar? - Caviar is the right answer. They didn't like it at all.
0:37:49 > 0:37:54- Well, they didn't put it on blinis with sour cream.- Exactly - they didn't serve it properly.
0:37:54 > 0:37:59- So, that's fish jam. What's the main ingredient of bacon jam?- Ooh!
0:37:59 > 0:38:01Once again...
0:38:01 > 0:38:05This'll be the only thing that doesn't have pig in it.
0:38:05 > 0:38:09It's a new preserve - it's made with smoked bacon, red onion,
0:38:09 > 0:38:13coffee, balsamic vinegar, garlic spice and whisky by a grocer in Walthamstow.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16Or "leftovers" as they're called...
0:38:16 > 0:38:19He said, "We've always sold home-made jam and crispy bacon
0:38:19 > 0:38:22"so we thought we'd put the two together."
0:38:22 > 0:38:25What about Hitler bacon? What's the main ingredient of Hitler bacon?
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Goebbels.
0:38:29 > 0:38:3230% Goebbels, 70% sugar. Er...
0:38:32 > 0:38:35- Hitler...?- Hitlerszalonna is the Hungarian for it.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38It was during the war in Hungary. It was a sort of
0:38:38 > 0:38:43mixed fruit thing - solid, in brick-shaped blocks -
0:38:43 > 0:38:44and you could carve a slice.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47And the derogatory term "Hitler ham" came from the idea -
0:38:47 > 0:38:49correct idea, really -
0:38:49 > 0:38:54that the occupied and allied countries of the axis powers of Germany
0:38:54 > 0:38:58were getting the crap food, while the good food stayed in Germany.
0:38:58 > 0:39:02So it was a sort of derogatory term. I've got something interesting to show you now.
0:39:02 > 0:39:07So, I want you to tell me what it is. Quite simply, what's the name for one of these?
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Well, it's a Toby Jug.
0:39:09 > 0:39:10This is known as a character jug.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13If you want to know what a Toby jug looks like...
0:39:13 > 0:39:14it's that.
0:39:14 > 0:39:18- Wow, isn't that pretty! - A Toby jug is the whole person.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20If it's a head, it's called a character jug.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23But I've got something more interesting, I think,
0:39:23 > 0:39:25which I hope you're going to like.
0:39:25 > 0:39:26It's got water in it.
0:39:26 > 0:39:29All you have to do is drink the water without spilling it.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32It's got holes in it. And so if you lift it...
0:39:32 > 0:39:34SHE SLURPS
0:39:37 > 0:39:40It's got holes in it, so that's not going to work.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43Do you see? No!
0:39:43 > 0:39:46It's gone down my sleeve!
0:39:46 > 0:39:48So you've got to try and work it out.
0:39:48 > 0:39:52Right, I'm going to hollow out this biro and use it as a straw.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54- Like that?- I'm evolving.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57Ah, you're getting there. What are you doing?
0:39:57 > 0:40:00No, don't pour it, cos the water will come up. Look at the handle.
0:40:00 > 0:40:04The handle is connected to the bottom, so if you could suck one of those tubes...
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Cover the holes.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08- The other hole. - And then suck through there.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10But there's a secret hole you've got to cover, too.
0:40:10 > 0:40:13LIZA: Hole there. Get those two.
0:40:13 > 0:40:17Look under the handle, look under the top of the handle.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19- Oh.- There's a hole there.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22If you cover that and the other two holes,
0:40:22 > 0:40:24then you release...
0:40:24 > 0:40:26- JO:- Bit of a palaver.- Yes!
0:40:29 > 0:40:32- Oh, Sue!- Just an electrical hazard waiting...- Go like this.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34That's it - now you can suck it.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Don't tip it!
0:40:37 > 0:40:39Bollocks!
0:40:39 > 0:40:41APPLAUSE
0:40:44 > 0:40:46Liza got there first.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48- You got the principle straight away. - It's like evolution.
0:40:48 > 0:40:54- Now I know how to do it, I want to have a go.- Couldn't we just have some sandwiches?
0:40:54 > 0:40:57- I've got every hole covered! - No, you haven't.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00Don't drink from the top! You have to suck from... Look.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02- Suck from there.- Show her.
0:41:02 > 0:41:03I'm sucking from there, right?
0:41:03 > 0:41:05I'm sucking from there and holding there.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08- And have you found the other hole? - Yes. JO:- Now suck it.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10No, don't tip it!
0:41:10 > 0:41:12Suck without tipping!
0:41:12 > 0:41:15It's a hollow handle. The point is the handle is hollow.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17It's a wet T-shirt competition!
0:41:17 > 0:41:19If you hand it to me here, I'll try and show you.
0:41:19 > 0:41:23"An awful thing about how to drink and not to spill will try
0:41:23 > 0:41:25"the utmost of your skill."
0:41:25 > 0:41:31And this one says, "To drink and not to spill will try the utmost of your skill." Exactly...
0:41:31 > 0:41:33Mine says, "You're an idiot, Perkins."
0:41:33 > 0:41:37So, this is a hollow... This is hollow, there's water in the bottom,
0:41:37 > 0:41:39it's got a little stop, like a flute
0:41:39 > 0:41:41or a recorder here, so you've got to cover that up,
0:41:41 > 0:41:44and it's got a hole here and a hole here.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47If I do that, I can now just simply suck.
0:41:47 > 0:41:49But it's a little puzzle jug,
0:41:49 > 0:41:52we thought you might have a little fun with it.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55Which brings us to the sticky end of the scores.
0:41:55 > 0:41:57And my word!
0:41:57 > 0:42:01I've never seen anything like it in my all my born puff.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03In last place, with a magisterial...
0:42:03 > 0:42:06She did start with two minus tens in a row,
0:42:06 > 0:42:10so she didn't do that badly after, but she ended with minus 22,
0:42:10 > 0:42:12Sue Perkins!
0:42:12 > 0:42:15APPLAUSE
0:42:20 > 0:42:23And on a highly-creditable minus five, Liza Tarbuck!
0:42:23 > 0:42:27Thank you very much. Thank you. APPLAUSE
0:42:30 > 0:42:33Well! Well, well, well, well, which one, which one, which one?
0:42:33 > 0:42:36One of you got four points. Four whole points.
0:42:36 > 0:42:40- Four plus points.- Please, for the feminists, let it be a lady.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42- It's Jo Brand!- Oh, it is!
0:42:42 > 0:42:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:45 > 0:42:49Which can only bring us to the astonishing news
0:42:49 > 0:42:53that tonight's winner, with plus 11, is Alan Davies!
0:42:53 > 0:42:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:05 > 0:43:09This experiment in women on television has failed!
0:43:09 > 0:43:11Well, we can call him a jammy bugger.
0:43:11 > 0:43:15- I love a jammy bugger.- And that's all from Liza, Sue, Jo, Alan and me.
0:43:15 > 0:43:16Goodnight.
0:43:35 > 0:43:39Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd