0:00:28 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Hello!
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:38 > 0:00:45and welcome to QI, where tonight our topic is Journeys.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48And let's see who's in the arrivals hall today.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51All the way up from Down Under, it's Cal Wilson.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Hello!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58The only way here is from Essex - Phill Jupitus.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:09And...from Port Talbot Parkway, stopping at Pyle, Bridgend, Pencoed,
0:01:09 > 0:01:14Llanharan, Pontyclun, Ninian Park and Cardiff Central -
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Rob Brydon.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:25And bearing the label, "Not Wanted On Voyage," Alan Davies.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:32 > 0:01:35And they all have little buzzer noises and Cal goes...
0:01:35 > 0:01:37PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT CHIMES
0:01:37 > 0:01:38And Rob goes...
0:01:38 > 0:01:41STEAM TRAIN WHISTLES
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Phill goes...
0:01:42 > 0:01:44FOGHORN BLARES
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- Which you do, in fact, don't you? - I do.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- LAUGHTER - And Alan goes...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51HORN HONKS
0:01:51 > 0:01:53That's your chosen mode of transport.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54We've travelled a lot, Alan,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57and one of the places we travelled to a few months ago was Australia,
0:01:57 > 0:01:58and that's where we found Cal,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01who is New Zealand's perhaps greatest stand-up comedian
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- and works mostly in Melbourne now, don't you?- Yes, I do, I do.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- I've got the Antipodes covered!- Yeah!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09But we liked you so much we smuggled you in our luggage
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- and we brought you back here, so, welcome.- Thank you.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I make a better souvenir than an interesting key ring, I suppose.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Exactly, exactly!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- I did want a koala but... - A stuffed koala?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- Not on, apparently.- No.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single question -
0:02:24 > 0:02:27where the hell did I leave my passport?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I lost mine on a plane once and it had gone down,
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- under the cushion of my seat.- Oh!
0:02:32 > 0:02:33- Oh, yeah.- The actual plane seat.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37- Yeah.- I was on the plane for a... I refused to get off the plane.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42- Yeah, you have to get your seat disassembled. I've had that. - Eventually, I found it.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44That's the end of the story.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Oh, that's a beautiful story! That is...
0:02:48 > 0:02:50That is a lovely, lovely story.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Stephen, is that Alan Davies or is it...?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Hang on, is it Peter Ustinov?! LAUGHTER
0:02:56 > 0:02:59That was a hell of an anecdote!
0:02:59 > 0:03:02If that is the level of the bar this evening, I may go home.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03LAUGHTER
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Is it you? Specifically you? Where did YOU leave YOUR passport?
0:03:06 > 0:03:07No, it's technique.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10The University of Wisconsin, when you lose something,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14it actually helps to say the name of the thing that you've lost,
0:03:14 > 0:03:15or you are looking for.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16- Dignity.- Yes!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- LAUGHTER - Very good.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21APPLAUSE
0:03:21 > 0:03:22- Brilliant!- You see?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- Exactly.- For me, that would make it worse.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- That would just draw attention to it. - Your wallet has a name?!
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Well, no...
0:03:30 > 0:03:31"Peregrine!"
0:03:31 > 0:03:35- LAUGHTER - "PEREGRINE! Baaa!"
0:03:35 > 0:03:37"Peregrine!"
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- LAUGHTER - That's how...
0:03:43 > 0:03:47- It might work!- It has now!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49From now on it will be called Peregrine.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52But anyway, that's not the point, the point is, for example,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55you open a cutlery drawer and where the hell's the garlic peeler, or whatever?
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- If you just say garlic peeler. - Yes, the garlic peeler. Again...
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- "Andrew! "Andrew!" - LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:07You're missing my point about names, here.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I just mean the word we give the thing.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Its normal description, as found in a dictionary.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Not from the list of given names.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20It isn't Julian the cheese grater.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22LAUGHTER
0:04:22 > 0:04:24It isn't Barbara the corkscrew.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27It'd put a different complexion on Marlon Brando yelling "Stella!"
0:04:27 > 0:04:30when it was just a pair of glasses he was after.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- He lost his wallet!- His sunglasses are called Stella. Exactly.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35So, what did you do? You have to say,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- "Wallet, wallet, wallet"? - "Keys, keys, keys, keys,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- "keys, keys."- Yeah, exactly.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42So, you say, sort of, you know, "bottle opener, bottle opener."
0:04:42 > 0:04:45You've got more chance of seeing it, you're look...
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- "Money, money, money..." - LAUGHTER
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- You know that phrase... - "GOLD, GOLD!"
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- LAUGHTER - You know that phrase, "It was just staring me in the face,"
0:04:52 > 0:04:53and you somehow couldn't see it?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55The act of speaking does something in your brain
0:04:55 > 0:04:58that actually allows your eyes to see it more clearly.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- That's been demonstrated. - Reminds me of that phrase,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03"Couldn't see the wood for the trees,"
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- have you ever come across that phrase before?- I have, I have.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- I never used to understand it. - What it basically means is
0:05:09 > 0:05:11you're looking at... Wait.
0:05:11 > 0:05:16- LAUGHTER You're looking for wood.- Yes, yes.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- Not in the way you might! - No, not in that sense! - LAUGHTER
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- You're looking, you're looking for wood...- Yeah.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- ..and you're looking at trees.- Yes.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27So, you are, in essence, looking at wood.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31- They are wood, aren't they? - But you're s... I've got it, Alan. LAUGHTER
0:05:31 > 0:05:36But you're seeing trees so you can't see the wood for the trees
0:05:36 > 0:05:39and, I think, in a funny old way, it's a little bit like what you're talking about.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- LAUGHTER - Almost exactly not.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- Yeah.- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:05:44 > 0:05:46It's nice you brought that up. It's a good...
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Now, the other thing, before I finish,
0:05:47 > 0:05:51the other thing I'd like to bring up is this business now with passports.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- They don't like you to smile in the photograph.- Oh, no.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- When I grew up, a smile was always mandatory.- A big grin, yes.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Like, if you're...
0:05:57 > 0:05:59LAUGHTER
0:05:59 > 0:06:03But now, you have to look like you're suspected of having done something.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I look like a Russian prison guard in my passport photo.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I can see that! I can see that! Absolutely.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09LAUGHTER
0:06:09 > 0:06:11A hatchet-faced Silesian fish wife.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13LAUGHTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Every single photo booth I get into appears to be set on "paedophile".
0:06:17 > 0:06:21LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Try and recreate that look for us now, could you?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27Right, for a kick-off, what you have to do in a photo-Me booth
0:06:27 > 0:06:28is, they don't let you wear glasses either,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31and, also, because the camera lens is behind the mirror
0:06:31 > 0:06:34and you don't know where it is you're always looking slightly off...
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- That's true.- Is it down...? OK, this is the look.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41LAUGHTER
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Stay away from my children!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45APPLAUSE
0:06:47 > 0:06:51It gets you... It gets you out of a lot of baby-sitting duties, though.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I bet our passports would look quite good together
0:06:53 > 0:06:56cos you're the paedophile and I'm the prison guard.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Yeah, we should travel together.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02- LAUGHTER - I'm with my Kiwi handler.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Do kiwis have handlers? - LAUGHTER
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- There's not, they're not very good... - Are they edible?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- We're not allowed to eat them. - Like swans?
0:07:10 > 0:07:14I mean, the Queen's allowed them. Is the Queen allowed kiwis?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- I don't think she is.- Could she eat anything cos she's the Queen?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21- I wouldn't be the one to tell her not to but...- I imagine not!- No, no.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23"Stop eating that kiwi, you dreadful old woman!"
0:07:23 > 0:07:24LAUGHTER
0:07:24 > 0:07:27I imagine that you'd be a bit more polite.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28You are Stephen Fry off the telly.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- You don't have to do the "dreadful old woman."- No...
0:07:31 > 0:07:32But it would be a dreadful thing to do.
0:07:32 > 0:07:37- You could say, "Stop eating that kiwi, ma'am, have some jam." - Exactly, exactly.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- "Your Majesty, put the puffin down!" - LAUGHTER
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Let's just have situations where we tell the Queen to stop eating...
0:07:43 > 0:07:44That sounds like a children's game.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"And now have a round of Your Majesty Put The Puffin Down!"
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- LAUGHTER - "You're the Queen, so, one...two...three...- Trousers off!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53"..Your Majesty, put the puffin down!" Yes, very good.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I don't know why or how we got there,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57but that's what journeys do to you.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Anyway, describe the travel arrangements
0:07:59 > 0:08:01of the Japanese flying snail.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- FOGHORN BLARES - Where is it going?
0:08:04 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER
0:08:05 > 0:08:11Er, it probably won't travel more than 11 miles, but very fast.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Does it drop?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- Yes.- Is it a fall?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Yes, but how would it get up?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- They haven't got wings, have they, you see?- They haven't.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21They haven't, but we haven't got wings and we fly, how do we do it?
0:08:21 > 0:08:22- In an aeroplane.- In an aeroplane.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- We get in...- I've got the answer. - ..a conveyance of flight. - STEAM TRAIN WHISTLES
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- They hop on a bird or a creature with wings - a bird.- Yes.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Erm, they hop on...
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Could have been a bat?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Could've been a bat. Could have been a bat or a bird.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Or a strange hybrid of bird bat. LAUGHTER
0:08:38 > 0:08:41They hop onto a creature with the ability to fly.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44But 11 miles, that's very, very high.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- It's not the height, it's not the altitude, they travel... - LAUGHTER
0:08:47 > 0:08:49They are not going up into space!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I've got it in my head that they're dropping 11 miles.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54It's not a voluntary act, they get eaten by birds.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- Oh.- There are two types of bird on the little island of Haha-jima.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Haha-jima, it's one of the Ogasawara Islands, south of Japan,
0:09:00 > 0:09:05as you can see, and there is the Japanese White-eye and the Brown-eyed bulbul,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07which are two types of bird. There they are.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10And they eat this particular snail...
0:09:10 > 0:09:13and about 15% of them survive the process
0:09:13 > 0:09:17and are excreted out alive and so they are, kind of, spreading their,
0:09:17 > 0:09:21- spreading the genes further around. - Is this to scale?- Yeah.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- Because that seems unlikely. - No, it's not!
0:09:23 > 0:09:24LAUGHTER
0:09:24 > 0:09:26That'd be a seriously weighed down bulbul.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29That snail would eat that bird! I'd back the snail!
0:09:29 > 0:09:34Is the, is the bird on the left, is that a white ring around its eye
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- or has it just excreted a full size snail?- Yeah! Oh!
0:09:37 > 0:09:38"Whoa!"
0:09:38 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:42It can be up to between 30 minutes or two hours later
0:09:42 > 0:09:45that it passes through the bird's system, as it were,
0:09:45 > 0:09:47and the bird can fly at about 11mph.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Is the snail doing some of the work, to pass through that quickly?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Is it trundling towards the exit of the bird as well?
0:09:52 > 0:09:56It's the normal peristaltic action of the digestive system of the bird
0:09:56 > 0:09:59pushing it through its crop, down into its tummy
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- and then out of its little botty. - Does the snail go into his own shell,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05by which I don't mean get a little self-conscious?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Does he retreat into his shell to take shelter?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I should imagine he would. I should imagine he would.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Don't they pick them from the shell? Don't they...?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Like you do in a restaurant with a little special fork?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19- They've got a special fork! - Which is called Arnold, by the way.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23- I'm writing it down. Ice cream scoop called Vanessa.- Yes!
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- So, anyway...- What would you call one of those pizza cutters?
0:10:26 > 0:10:27The rolly pizza cutter?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Clement.- Clement.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Can we call it Dave? - LAUGHTER
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Well, there you are.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Yes, good. So, the cry goes up, "Abandon ship," now.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39That's our next question, "Abandon ship."
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Now, we are proud Britons and one proud Kiwi,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44what do we say next? What do we chaps say?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Women and children first!
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Oh!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50KLAXON BLARES
0:10:50 > 0:10:53As far as we know, that's only ever been cried twice.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55It's called the Birkenhead Drill
0:10:55 > 0:10:57and it happened on board a ship called the Birkenhead
0:10:57 > 0:10:59but that was cos the captain pointed a gun at his crew
0:10:59 > 0:11:01and said, "Women and children first."
0:11:01 > 0:11:05This had not been an idea that especially existed before
0:11:05 > 0:11:07and, in fact, it's very un-British.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Women have a lesser chance of surviving
0:11:10 > 0:11:12if a British ship sinks than a Continental one.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- That's good to know! - Yup, so there you go. - LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:18So, we aren't the gallant creatures that we thought we were, at all.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22The Titanic was the other one in which men were told to stand back
0:11:22 > 0:11:24and there was, we've had this on QI before,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26there was one crew member who survived,
0:11:26 > 0:11:27went all the way home to Liverpool
0:11:27 > 0:11:30and he had the door slammed in his face by his mother
0:11:30 > 0:11:32who was ashamed of him for having survived.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- But, in fact, more... - She sounds nice.- Yeah, charming!
0:11:36 > 0:11:37LAUGHTER
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Extraordinary. I mean, unbelievable!
0:11:39 > 0:11:44But, obviously, you want a fair number of fit, strong people
0:11:44 > 0:11:46who know their way around the waters, as it were,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49once you're in the lifeboat cos if it's women and children
0:11:49 > 0:11:52there's not really going to be that much, necessarily, use in being in the lifeboat.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54That's a bit sexist, Stephen!
0:11:54 > 0:11:59You need at least one crew member who can navigate by the stars or who can operate the oars efficiently.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Or isn't going, "Oh, look,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03"there's a fish over there! Let's go over there!"
0:12:03 > 0:12:06I wasn't going to be the one to say that, I'm glad you did.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Known as the Birkenhead Drill, it's not common.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Has anybody here ever had to muster? Have you ever mustered, Stephen?
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Not on a ship.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Well, I was filming something on a cruise ship, and it hit a rock.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Good gracious.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21And we had to genuinely muster.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23And the important thing in that situation
0:12:23 > 0:12:25is to stay calm.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I absolutely cacked myself.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29LAUGHTER
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- I was terrified.- Really?- Yes!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Yeah, hard to believe(!) I was.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39It was very frightening. We were filming a scene with James Corden.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42It was a thing called Cruise Of The Gods.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45We'd blacked out the windows of this cabin to simulate night.
0:12:45 > 0:12:50All of a sudden, the boat tipped at an incredible angle one way.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54- James Corden gone over to the...? - LAUGHTER
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Naughty!- That's very naughty, Alan.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58That's very naughty.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00APPLAUSE
0:13:02 > 0:13:06You know, a lot of people in Britain struggle with their weight, Alan.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- Yes, I do. Yeah. - I wasn't thinking of you!
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- < Were you with him? - LAUGHTER
0:13:13 > 0:13:16And we ended up having to abandon ship that night,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- just like...similar to Titanic. - Wowser!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22LAUGHTER Yeah, I don't want to say just like...
0:13:22 > 0:13:23- Yeah.- It wasn't that bad.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25It's a good enough story without embellishing that much.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27All right, yeah. But we get off,
0:13:27 > 0:13:31and we're watching the ship lit up in the background...
0:13:31 > 0:13:33And where was the nearest land?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36We were close to land because we were coming out of a port.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38The captain was coming out of port too fast,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41and sure enough, we went... CRUNCHING SOUND
0:13:41 > 0:13:44So we were quite close. But a very frightening experience.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48I mean, with all due deference to the captain of this vessel
0:13:48 > 0:13:50going too fast out of port,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I mean, if he doesn't do that, his kids can't water-ski.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- LAUGHTER - Fair point.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- He's got to give them a treat, hasn't he?- Yeah.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00What's the point of being a captain if you can't have a laugh?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Anyway, there you are, yes.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Who used to hang out with Richard Burton
0:14:06 > 0:14:08and drive cabbies round the bend?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT CHIMES - Yeah.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Elizabeth Hailer?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Oh, very good!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15That is...no.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- Who is that? Go on. - It's not OJ Simpson?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19It is OJ Simpson! Very good. With Burton,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22of course, so, now we're confusing you,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24because this is a bit naughty of us.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27This enemy of cabs was a real enemy of cabs.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30And oddly enough, by mentioning Elizabeth Hailer,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33for which, chapeau, as they say, you've got the right gender,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36because the person who annoyed this cabbie was in fact a woman.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40- That's the Richard Burton we're talking about. Who was he? - Was he an English explorer?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42He was an amazing man.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46He went off for years at a time and occasionally wrote letters to his wife?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48As seems to be... no tweeting or Skypeing.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52There was no tweeting. Absolutely. He spoke 29 languages.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53He was a quite remarkable man.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56And he gave the English-speaking world
0:14:56 > 0:14:59the unexpurgated translation of the 1,001 Nights,
0:14:59 > 0:15:01and indeed, the Kama Sutra.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04So he was considered by Victorians as absolutely outrageous and scandalous.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08But he was an extraordinary scholar and adventurer, a remarkable man.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11But he had a friend called Mrs Prodgers,
0:15:11 > 0:15:13who I assume must have been...
0:15:13 > 0:15:16that sounds like a Welsh surname, presumably, is it?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Is Prodgers a name you've come across before?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- No.- It's a new one on me. - I've never heard Prodgers.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Quite a nice name. Mrs Prodgers. - "Mrs Prodgers came in yesterday."
0:15:24 > 0:15:25"What did she want?"
0:15:25 > 0:15:28"Well, she wouldn't say. She was looking for you."
0:15:28 > 0:15:31You've built up a whole little scenario in your head!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33"She looked upset, though.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36"I hear her Bronwyn is taking her exams this week."
0:15:36 > 0:15:40"Yes, she is. Mind you, that glandular fever has played hell with her revision."
0:15:40 > 0:15:43And we'll look in next week for Episode 2 of Life With The Prodgers!
0:15:43 > 0:15:45LAUGHTER
0:15:45 > 0:15:47But this woman, whose name was Prodgers,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49had conducted a lifelong, insane,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52very typically Victorian-ly eccentric battle against cabbies,
0:15:52 > 0:15:54for whom, for some reason, she really had it in for them.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Seems they ply a harmless trade, in those days, of course,
0:15:57 > 0:16:01using horses rather than engines, and she knew to within feet
0:16:01 > 0:16:05the exact limits of the journeys they could make for one shilling,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07and she would make them make the journey
0:16:07 > 0:16:10within a few yards of the boundary which would then allow them to charge more,
0:16:10 > 0:16:14and then she would wait precisely the amount of time she was allowed to wait
0:16:14 > 0:16:16without them charging extra waiting time.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20And then she gloried more than anything else in them trying to get more money off her,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23and then she would take them to court, and she would usually win.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25It was a bizarre practice.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28But it got to the stage... she also travelled in some style,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31so when she arrived at King's Cross station, she'd have five porters -
0:16:31 > 0:16:35three for her luggage, and two to carry her children.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37And there'd be the line of cabs outside just as there is today
0:16:37 > 0:16:40in any station, and there would be a shout of,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43"Mrs Prodgers! Mrs Prodgers!" and they'd all bugger off.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- LAUGHTER - They'd all disappear.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48And in 1876, on Bonfire Night,
0:16:48 > 0:16:52they made an effigy of her, the cabbies, and burned her in a huge bonfire,
0:16:52 > 0:16:54and there were music hall songs about it.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56It was a very famous bizarre thing,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58that this woman had it in for cabbies.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Who knows, one of them may have tried to molest her
0:17:00 > 0:17:05- or failed to molest her or whatever. - What an awful moment, when you realise she's in your cab.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I know. "Oh, it's bloody Prodgers."
0:17:07 > 0:17:11"Taxi!" And she jumps in... "Oh, shit! Mrs Prodgers!"
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Yeah. "I've got Mrs Prodgers." Very extraordinary.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16But for some reason, she was very friendly with Richard Burton,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19and he helped her and gave her advice, and considering he was,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21as you rightly say,
0:17:21 > 0:17:25not considered a particularly gallant man - as far as his wife was concerned, he was away a lot -
0:17:25 > 0:17:26he was helpful and kind to her.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28The rest of the family never understood,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31because he was usually short-tempered with them.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35It was a standing joke, his regard for Mrs Prodgers.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37She wasn't his alter ego? Like his...
0:17:37 > 0:17:38No, I don't think he...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40He'd dress up as Mrs Prodgers.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Were they ever seen in the same room?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Because he goes off exploring, thousands and thousands of miles,
0:17:45 > 0:17:49- but as Mrs Prodgers, he only goes about 20 centimetres a time! - Interesting thought.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I got into a taxi once in London,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54and the taxi driver saw me in the mirror and went,
0:17:54 > 0:17:58"Hello, mate. Can I say, we do enjoy, the wife and I, watching you,"
0:17:58 > 0:18:01and I thought, "Oh, this is going to be lovely."
0:18:01 > 0:18:03And he started telling me what he liked.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05But he was mistaking me for Ben Miller.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06A lot of them do that.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10And he started listing lots of Ben's projects.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11"I like that Primeval!"
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Yeah, and he said The Worst Week Of My Life,
0:18:14 > 0:18:16so I just played along. I said, "Thanks very much,"
0:18:16 > 0:18:18and then he actually said,
0:18:18 > 0:18:20"I'll tell you who you must get confused for..."
0:18:20 > 0:18:22LAUGHTER
0:18:22 > 0:18:24"It's that Welsh one. It's that..."
0:18:24 > 0:18:26And I said, "Oh, Rob Brydon?" He said, "Yeah!"
0:18:26 > 0:18:28I said, "Oh, he's good," I said.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I said, "I think he's fantastic."
0:18:31 > 0:18:34And he said, "What, him? The Welsh one? I think he's a twat."
0:18:34 > 0:18:35LAUGHTER
0:18:35 > 0:18:37APPLAUSE
0:18:42 > 0:18:44So, there we are. That was Richard Burton.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48How long would it take you to bicycle from Land's End
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- to the northernmost part of Britain? - What, John O'Groats?
0:18:50 > 0:18:54- Oh! - KLAXON BLARES
0:18:54 > 0:19:00- Mean of me, wasn't it?- No, no, ask clear, well-defined questions!
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- We just like to make you say things! - You can't buzz buzz me on chitchat!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05LAUGHTER
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- No, it's not the northernmost part of Britain.- Is it not?
0:19:08 > 0:19:09No, surprisingly.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13It, sort of, advertises itself as such and it has a little hut.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15There's the last house in Scotland, in John O'Groats.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18There's one of those boys in callipers.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19I haven't seen one for years.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- A long time ago, I know. - There was one on the high street when I was a kid.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26It used to be called the Spastic Society, it's now Scope, isn't it?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- You put a penny in and he was still there the next week. - LAUGHTER
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Did you put the penny in to make him go away?!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- I thought it would get him better, poor lad.- Oh, bless!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Look at him, there, he's obviously on his holidays, isn't he?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I used to like those ones where you put the penny in
0:19:40 > 0:19:43and it just rolled round and round, and round...
0:19:43 > 0:19:45We had a guide dog, you put the penny in its head.
0:19:45 > 0:19:50- We had a lifeboat one where you put the penny in and the lifeboat came out.- That's right! I like that.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54There's a brilliant model of Queen Victoria's dog in Sydney,
0:19:54 > 0:19:55outside the Queen Victoria building,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58and it's like a, you know, you put in your donation, but it talks.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00So, it's a little, like, Highland terrier
0:20:00 > 0:20:03and it says, in very beautiful newsreader tones,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05"During my lifetime because of my good deeds,
0:20:05 > 0:20:09"after my death I was granted the power of speech." LAUGHTER
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Like this. And then it goes,
0:20:11 > 0:20:15"If you put a coin in the box I will say thank you."
0:20:15 > 0:20:18And then it pauses and then goes, "Thank you." LAUGHTER
0:20:18 > 0:20:20"Woof."
0:20:20 > 0:20:24That lad said nothing to me.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- Not a word!- Every week, I put something in his box.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Which...? Do you put it in the box or is it his head?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31It's got a slot in his box.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33He might have two slots. Some of them would have two slots.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- Two slots in the box, yeah. Women... No, stop it! - LAUGHTER
0:20:37 > 0:20:38PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT CHIMES
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- I never said that!- I resign!- Yes, quite right. Absolutely shameful.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- We've established this is not your area.- Yeah, exactly.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46He looks, he looked a little bit like...
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- It's like you're talking about Narnia or somewhere. - LAUGHTER
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- It's a fantastical land you've only heard about.- Exactly.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56"You make your way through the fur coats and suddenly...!"
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- Whoa! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Dear, oh, dear!
0:21:03 > 0:21:07Wielding a coin. A single coin.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10For a while you have a magical time but then you meet an ice maiden.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- Yes. It's all... Oh, dear God! - LAUGHTER
0:21:13 > 0:21:17- Anyway, yes...- You're telling me there's somewhere further than John O'Groats?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20There is indeed - Dunnet Head. That's the actual northernmost spot.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23If you've got to John O'Groats and you haven't gone there...
0:21:23 > 0:21:26You wouldn't cycle on there, would you? It's a bit bumpy!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29It's rather beautiful, isn't it?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31It's about 603 miles, as the crow flies,
0:21:31 > 0:21:34but by road it's about 800 miles.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Cyclists could take 10 to 14 days doing it.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41The record for running the route, what would you say, is...?
0:21:41 > 0:21:45- Have a guess.- You couldn't do it in less than a week, could you?
0:21:45 > 0:21:49No, no. It's nine days and two hours, which is pretty damn good going.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- I'll say!- In 2005, a golfer named David Sullivan
0:21:51 > 0:21:54hit a golf ball all the way. Took him seven weeks.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I don't know what his score was.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00Be awful if he didn't fill his card correctly at the end. Disqualified.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- Was it a putter? - LAUGHTER
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Did he mean to do it? Did he mean to do it?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Was he just trying to get it in... "Wait a minute!"
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Just playing it where it lies... - "Oh, I've lost it again!"
0:22:11 > 0:22:14It would land in the back of a lorry going the other direction -
0:22:14 > 0:22:16"Oh, Christ!"
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I feel sorry for the bloke that was standing waiting for him
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- holding the flag. - LAUGHTER
0:22:22 > 0:22:25So, people have done it in all kinds of different ways.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29In 1911 there was a motorcycle record of 29 hours and 12 minutes,
0:22:29 > 0:22:31which led to a ban on further attempts
0:22:31 > 0:22:36because the time necessarily proved that they had been breaking the speed limit, which was 20mph.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41Now, here's a bird you might see near John O'Groats. What is it?
0:22:41 > 0:22:42- Well...- Gannet!
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Fulmar.- Not a gannet, it's not a falcon.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Is it the one puffin the Queen hasn't eaten?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49It is a puffin, well done!
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- It's a puffin?- It is a puffin.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Yes, we usually think of puffins as looking more like this, don't we?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- There, that's, exactly. Well...- Photoshop. Photoshop.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- ..when they've had sex... - It's a ninja puffin.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03..and it's winter they don't need to look all bright like that, and so they go all dull.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04But its beak is...?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- Well, I suppose its beak has shrunk enough...- It falls off.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- It falls off?!- Yes.- What?!
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Yeah. I know. It's just there to attract a mate and then once...
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- The dirty, dirty puffins! - LAUGHTER
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Is it the equivalent of a woman losing her figure
0:23:17 > 0:23:20after she's got married? LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:23:20 > 0:23:24- The minute the ring goes on, they just go to pieces.- Oh, now, behave!
0:23:24 > 0:23:27To me, it looks more like a woman taking her padded bra off.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- That's what it looks like. - Yes, I'm afraid there is...
0:23:29 > 0:23:32She's just not making an effort any more, is she?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34The eye, there, has just been stuck on? Is that...?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Yeah, again, it's a colour, there. It's all to, kind of...
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- Just blind. I look great. - Brighter, sexy...
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- "Oh, hello, it's worked!" - LAUGHTER
0:23:43 > 0:23:45They rather sweetly pair for life, male and female puffins,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47and they make one egg a year.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49So once they've mated, they don't need to attract each other any more.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52So, you know, for the winter season, when they're busy feeding
0:23:52 > 0:23:55and then they just, sort of, put on their spring make-up...
0:23:55 > 0:23:57"I remember when you cared about me!"
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- Exactly.- "You used to have a pink beak!" - LAUGHTER
0:24:00 > 0:24:05- But then it comes back?- Yes. - "You should put the eye make-up on!" - It comes back again.- It comes back?!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Yes, but they are lovely little creatures, aren't they?
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Do you know what a baby puffin is called?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11A puff.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12STEPHEN CHUCKLES
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- It's a puffling. Isn't that lovely? - ALL:- Ah!
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- Exactly, ah!- That's like something out of Harry Potter.- They loved that!
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Say it again, they loved it!
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Puffling.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- ALL:- Ah!
0:24:24 > 0:24:27How many people now have a new nickname for their partner? LAUGHTER
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Exactly. Puffling. - "For their partner," did you say?
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- For a moment I thought you were going to say their penis. - LAUGHTER
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- For some people, that is their partner.- Puffling.
0:24:38 > 0:24:43Aren't they like those party hats you can get with a bit of elastic?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- Handy.- The one on the left, he looks like "whoa"! He could easily...
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Honestly, a toucan could do great on that puffin island.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- Can you imagine? - He'd score big-time.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- Oh, Nelly!- Oh-ho-ho-ho, yeah!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- "Hey, ladies, yeah." - Well, they spend the time...
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- "From the tropics." - LAUGHTER
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- "This doesn't fall off after." - LAUGHTER
0:25:04 > 0:25:09"No, I'm keeping this. Yeah, I've still got the Guinness money."
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- They are...- He'd be freezing cold, though, wouldn't he, after a while?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15"Ahhh! How'd you do this up here?"
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Would his beak gets smaller in the winter?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Are these just Arctic toucans?
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Right, no, they're not, actually, they're a kind of auk, in fact.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Most of those, you'll find in the north Atlantic.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30These, indeed, John O'Groats would be a very good place to see them.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- Not Auckland? - Not Auckland, oddly enough.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34That's spelt with a C, a little redundant C, A-U-C-K.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- Oh, of course it is. - Yeah. But out to sea,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39they are pelagic and they have little backward,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41sort of like barbed rows of things,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43to, basically, to store fish in their mouth
0:25:43 > 0:25:45but they are lovely, lovely creatures.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49Of course, the Catholic Church counted them as fish, so you could eat them on Fridays. Good.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52So, for evolutionary reasons, puffins' beaks fall off after sex,
0:25:52 > 0:25:54assuming you believe in evolution, that is.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Like that, what was the name of the naturalist on board the Beagle?
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- Charles Darwin, you mean? - Oh!- Oh, drat! - KLAXON BLARES
0:26:02 > 0:26:04This is a whole new tactic he's doing!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06He wasn't the naturalist on board the Beagle.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09There was an official naturalist on board the Beagle
0:26:09 > 0:26:11and it wasn't Charles Darwin. He was the...?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- I don't care any more! - Oh, you're angry, I'm sorry.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- Phillip, I wish it hadn't happened to you.- He was the cook.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- He wasn't the cook, no.- He was the figurehead on the prow. STEPHEN LAUGHS
0:26:20 > 0:26:23He wasn't that either! He was, in fact, the geologist.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- The geologist.- He took four times as many notes on geology
0:26:26 > 0:26:27as he did on zoology, oddly enough.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30It was the doctor, whose name was McCormick,
0:26:30 > 0:26:31who was the official naturalist,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34and he really resented Darwin being there.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37It was for rather snobbish British 19th century reasons
0:26:37 > 0:26:39that FitzRoy, whose voyage it was, wanted a gentleman companion
0:26:39 > 0:26:43and Charles Darwin fitted the bill rather more than the doctor.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Was there an advert in The Telegraph?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47"Wanted - puffling"?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- LAUGHTER - Yes, "to accompany on long voyage."
0:26:50 > 0:26:53The doctor resented Darwin because he took his place at the captain's table,
0:26:53 > 0:26:57and was treated as an equal. Fitzroy was an independently rich gentleman,
0:26:57 > 0:26:58as they called him then.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Darwin writes in his diary, in fact,
0:27:00 > 0:27:04"My friend the doctor is an ass, but we jog along very amicably.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06"At present, he is in great tribulation
0:27:06 > 0:27:09"whether his cabin should be painted French grey or dead white.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11"I hear little, excepting this subject, from him."
0:27:11 > 0:27:12So he was obviously a man to go,
0:27:12 > 0:27:14"How shall I paint my cabin?"
0:27:14 > 0:27:16That's all he ever talked about!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18But Christmas Day in 1835,
0:27:18 > 0:27:21there's the young Darwin before he grew that massive beard,
0:27:21 > 0:27:25they went to Tierra del Fuego, the land of the fire, right down below South America,
0:27:25 > 0:27:28and there, Darwin was very astonished to note what happened
0:27:28 > 0:27:32when the local people had a famine. What they turned to eat.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Can you imagine what it is that they ate when times were difficult?
0:27:36 > 0:27:37- Guinea pigs?- Penguins?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- Guinea pigs are eaten in South America commonly. - Just a snack!- That's...
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- One another?- One another is right,
0:27:42 > 0:27:46- but a particular type of person was chosen.- Elderly people.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47And the particular type of...?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49- Elderly women? - Elderly women is the answer.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52The elderly women ran for the hills when there was any kind of famine
0:27:52 > 0:27:58- because they were the ones... - "Mmm-mm! That's some good old lady!" - LAUGHTER
0:27:58 > 0:28:02- "I've got the GILF cookbook!" - LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:28:02 > 0:28:04That's terrible!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06That's just awful, Phillip Jupitus.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10- Erm, but the reason being that... - "Their arms are so tender!"
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Well, they explained to the crew of the Beagle that the reason was,
0:28:13 > 0:28:17I'm afraid to say, that the old women were the least useful members of the tribe
0:28:17 > 0:28:20because old men and children, and others could otter hunt
0:28:20 > 0:28:23- but the old women couldn't hunt for otters.- What about the knitting?!
0:28:23 > 0:28:26- I'm sorry?- What about the knitting and crochet?- Well, exactly.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28- I know, exactly.- And who is going to teach you rummy?
0:28:28 > 0:28:31- That's a very good point. Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:28:31 > 0:28:34They can make dumplings. All these things, only old ladies can do.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38How does their society evolve with nobody to say, "Oh, I know!"
0:28:38 > 0:28:42- LAUGHTER - "Oh, I know!"
0:28:42 > 0:28:45- The thing is, they'd still be able to make dumplings.- "Hello!"
0:28:45 > 0:28:48- Completely devoid of that.- They could make dumplings out of them.
0:28:48 > 0:28:49- Yes, exactly.- That's true.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Very, very good point.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54There we are. That's one of the exciting things
0:28:54 > 0:28:57that Charles Darwin, who was not the naturalist on the Beagle, discovered.
0:28:57 > 0:29:02So we travel to a more exotic place where they had jackal-headed gods.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05- Where would I be?- Egypt.- Ah!
0:29:05 > 0:29:08KLAXON BLARES
0:29:08 > 0:29:09"What, Egypt, you mean?"
0:29:09 > 0:29:13- You didn't quite say that, did you? - Sorry, I didn't quite say...
0:29:13 > 0:29:15"What, Egypt, you mean?"
0:29:15 > 0:29:17LAUGHTER
0:29:17 > 0:29:18Not Egypt, in fact.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21Those have been known as jackal-headed gods.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25- That particular God, extra points if you know that.- Anubis.- Well done!
0:29:25 > 0:29:26Anubis is the right answer.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Anubis who was, do you know what the duty of Anubis was?
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Something to do with death.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33Didn't he guide you into the spirit world?
0:29:33 > 0:29:34Another five points, I think, there.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37There's a name for a god that guides you into the underworld,
0:29:37 > 0:29:40like Mercury, who guided you as far as the River Styx,
0:29:40 > 0:29:42and that's a psychopomp.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45- That's a good word!- A psychopomp? - A psychopomp.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48Sounds like something you'd find in a medical examination.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50"I'm sorry, you've got psychopomps."
0:29:50 > 0:29:54- "It may be benign, it may be malignant."- Yes, "We're going to have to operate."
0:29:54 > 0:29:56A malignant psychopomp, you wouldn't want.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58Erm, but, in fact, what has been discovered,
0:29:58 > 0:30:01and this is, you won't find this on Egyptological websites
0:30:01 > 0:30:05where they will continue to call Anubis and other Egyptian deities jackal-headed,
0:30:05 > 0:30:10but the animals that existed at the time of ancient Egypt
0:30:10 > 0:30:13were, we now know from DNA, wolves, not jackals.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15So, from a zoological point of view,
0:30:15 > 0:30:17if not from an Egyptological point of view,
0:30:17 > 0:30:20they are in fact the wolf-headed, not jackal-headed.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23You heard it here first. A very recent discovery.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25So, that's exciting, isn't it?
0:30:25 > 0:30:28But now we come to a very special part of the programme here.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30In this series, we're occasionally featuring
0:30:30 > 0:30:31theories which are interesting,
0:30:31 > 0:30:34but which we don't necessarily believe, 100%, at least.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37We call them Dubious Theories.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40'A Dubious Theory from Stephen Fry.'
0:30:40 > 0:30:43Yeah, thank you. Yes.
0:30:43 > 0:30:49The years between 614 and 911 AD didn't exist.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53The Holy Roman Emperor Otto III got his chroniclers to fake
0:30:53 > 0:30:55nearly 300 years of history,
0:30:55 > 0:30:58so there was no such person as Charlemagne,
0:30:58 > 0:31:03and we're currently actually living in the year 1715 AD.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06This is called the Phantom Time Hypothesis.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09Is it dubious? Look it up on phantomschmantom.com
0:31:09 > 0:31:11and decide for yourself.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14That's like the earliest version of Wikipedia, then, isn't it?
0:31:14 > 0:31:17Like someone's just gone in and changed the pages to make it...
0:31:17 > 0:31:20Yeah. The theory is that this emperor wanted to be on the throne
0:31:20 > 0:31:24in the year 1000 AD, but in fact it was only 700 AD,
0:31:24 > 0:31:28so he basically got the chroniclers to pretend these 300 years existed.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31It was one Heribert Illig who started this argument in 1990,
0:31:31 > 0:31:33and his evidence is the apparent stagnation
0:31:33 > 0:31:36in the development of architecture, ceramics and thought at this time.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40It is, after all, the beginning of the age known as the Dark Ages.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42And there's very little archaeological evidence
0:31:42 > 0:31:45which can be reliably dated to this period.
0:31:45 > 0:31:49There's a very limited number of written sources, which could be faked or just wrong.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51I know it's just mad, but anyway,
0:31:51 > 0:31:54there are a range of achievements that are given to Charlemagne
0:31:54 > 0:31:58that make you think he must have been mythical rather than real.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00His size, his warrior, his scholarship,
0:32:00 > 0:32:02his inventions, his brilliance, and so on.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05Anyway, it's worth looking up, and you can decide for yourself
0:32:05 > 0:32:07whether or not it is true.
0:32:07 > 0:32:10It's an amazing thought that this could be the year 1715.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13- I'm all for it.- In which case, we'll have a Jacobite rebellion any minute.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15- LAUGHTER - There you go.
0:32:15 > 0:32:20There we are. So, as I say, look it up in phantomschmantom.com.
0:32:20 > 0:32:25Now, name two interesting things you can do with a coconut in Hawaii.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29Do you get different coconuts in Hawaii from other places?
0:32:29 > 0:32:32It's a very touristy thing which is frowned upon
0:32:32 > 0:32:34by the officials who do, nonetheless, do it.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37Thousands and thousands of these are done every year.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40Some kind of...you throw them from a moving vehicle?
0:32:40 > 0:32:42You use it as a postcard.
0:32:42 > 0:32:43Postcard.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45Yeah, and you can see, there they are.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48You buy them like that, and they will help you decorate it.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51You can see the writing on one of them there.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53"Just nuts about...", "See you some time..."
0:32:53 > 0:32:56You put a stamp on. 10 dollars it costs, something like that,
0:32:56 > 0:32:57to send it to the mainland of America.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59It'd be annoying to get one of those.
0:32:59 > 0:33:03- It really would, wouldn't it? - "Where's the coconut I sent you?"
0:33:03 > 0:33:05- Where is it, then? - "Oh, well, there was a fire."
0:33:05 > 0:33:08A fire that I threw it into!
0:33:08 > 0:33:09LAUGHTER
0:33:09 > 0:33:12A bit of rationality, and I threw it in a bin.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15I had a friend who was nearly killed by a coconut. I've known him for 20 years,
0:33:15 > 0:33:16and I was furious with him,
0:33:16 > 0:33:19because he only told me a couple of months ago,
0:33:19 > 0:33:21and if I had nearly been killed by a coconut,
0:33:21 > 0:33:23- I would be... - Everyone would know about it.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25Every conversation. "Hello, I'm Cal. I survived a coconut."
0:33:25 > 0:33:27LAUGHTER
0:33:27 > 0:33:29But he said he was just standing on a beach,
0:33:29 > 0:33:31and a coconut fell from a tree, and he said it was such a good shot -
0:33:31 > 0:33:33it hit him directly on the head -
0:33:33 > 0:33:36such a good shot, he could hear other coconuts high-fiving each other.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38LAUGHTER
0:33:38 > 0:33:41Other things you can do with a coconut,
0:33:41 > 0:33:42not necessarily in Hawaii...
0:33:42 > 0:33:45- Get the coconut milk out. - Well, yes, the water, the milk.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48You can use it as a rehydration drip, which they did
0:33:48 > 0:33:50during World War II, both the Japanese and Americans,
0:33:50 > 0:33:53cos it's sterile, but it's perfectly serviceable
0:33:53 > 0:33:55for rehydration to use it as a drip.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58Have a little coconut into you, dripping into you.
0:33:58 > 0:33:59The other thing to do,
0:33:59 > 0:34:03if you have a tooth knocked out, immersion in coconut water will keep it viable
0:34:03 > 0:34:05for reinsertion better than milk.
0:34:05 > 0:34:06So there you are.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Little things you can do with coconuts.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11Now, why did JFK keep a coconut on his desk?
0:34:11 > 0:34:12And there he did, you can see.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15- No question about it. - Was he missing a tooth?
0:34:15 > 0:34:18No, that wasn't it.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21- Was it a recording device of some sort? A CIA nut? - No, it isn't.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24- No, it isn't. - Postcard from a friend?
0:34:24 > 0:34:27It's not a postcard from a friend. It's a rather important memento.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30Amongst JFK's achievements, obviously he was a youngish and...
0:34:30 > 0:34:34- He was on a torpedo boat in the war. - A torpedo boat, PT109, yeah.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36- Famously, he was heroic. - Is it from then?- Yes.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39His torpedo boat was sunk by the enemy,
0:34:39 > 0:34:41and he found himself stranded on the Solomon Islands,
0:34:41 > 0:34:44completely isolated, and there were local islanders.
0:34:44 > 0:34:48He had no pen or paper, so he carved onto a coconut,
0:34:48 > 0:34:52which he gave to some of the local native islanders,
0:34:52 > 0:34:56and asked them to take it to the capital, Rendova, and he carved on it,
0:34:56 > 0:34:59"Nauro Island. Commander. Native knows position.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02"He can pilot. 11 alive. Need small boat. Kennedy."
0:35:02 > 0:35:04The natives took it, and eventually he was rescued.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08"Hurry up and pick us up. We are eating the old women here."
0:35:08 > 0:35:10LAUGHTER So it was a postcard?
0:35:10 > 0:35:13It was indeed! You're kind of right.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16He started the whole fashion, and of course, they gave it back to him
0:35:16 > 0:35:18as a memento and he kept it on his desk.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20Didn't bring him much luck, but...
0:35:20 > 0:35:24LAUGHTER
0:35:24 > 0:35:25- Bit dark!- Sorry.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27Sorry! That's awful.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30I can remember it. You're too old. I mean...hang on.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32LAUGHTER
0:35:32 > 0:35:35I think I may actually be getting dementia.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37Can you really remember it?
0:35:37 > 0:35:41- Yes, I can.- "I was standing on a grassy knoll with a rifle..."
0:35:41 > 0:35:43And a voice told me...
0:35:43 > 0:35:46APPLAUSE
0:35:46 > 0:35:49Yeah. I was six years old, I think.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52- Something like that.- I can remember Ronald Reagan being shot,
0:35:52 > 0:35:53and my dad was in the kitchen,
0:35:53 > 0:35:55and I said "Reagan's been shot."
0:35:55 > 0:35:58- And he went, "Oh." - LAUGHTER
0:35:58 > 0:36:00That's a bit blase!
0:36:00 > 0:36:04And he thought I meant Regan in The Sweeney.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07- Oh! - LAUGHTER
0:36:07 > 0:36:11In 1981, they had this premiere of a British movie, Chariots Of Fire.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14And they asked our comedy troupe, me and Hugh and Emma and Tony Slattery,
0:36:14 > 0:36:16if we would perform a little cabaret
0:36:16 > 0:36:19at the Dorchester Hotel after the premiere.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21And I'd spoken to my mother. I'd said to her,
0:36:21 > 0:36:24"I'm very excited. We're going to the Dorchester." She said,
0:36:24 > 0:36:26"Do you know, the last time I went to the Dorchester,
0:36:26 > 0:36:29"it all broke up very early because it was the night Kennedy got shot."
0:36:29 > 0:36:31In 1962. I said, "Oh, gosh, blimey."
0:36:31 > 0:36:34Anyway, so I'm doing the sketch with Emma, and suddenly
0:36:34 > 0:36:36- we notice the audience going, - HE MUTTERS
0:36:36 > 0:36:39and everyone's disappeared, all these executives from Fox
0:36:39 > 0:36:41and everything. And Reagan had been shot.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44So I rang my mother up and said,
0:36:44 > 0:36:45"What happened?" She said,
0:36:45 > 0:36:49"No member of this family is ever allowed to go to the Dorchester again.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51"It's not safe for Western democracy."
0:36:51 > 0:36:54Which is why, during W Bush's administration,
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Stephen dined there on a daily basis!
0:36:56 > 0:37:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:02 > 0:37:06- Anyway... - "Waiter, any news?"
0:37:06 > 0:37:08- LAUGHTER - Dear me. Still.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12Which travel organisation includes a mandatory fee
0:37:12 > 0:37:14for the repatriation of your corpse?
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Er, the AA? Thomas Cook?
0:37:16 > 0:37:20No, this is a very particular event that you can subscribe to,
0:37:20 > 0:37:23which, er, they sort out your travel
0:37:23 > 0:37:26and your participation in this event,
0:37:26 > 0:37:29but included in it is a fee for the repatriation of your corpse.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31It's not expected you'll die, but there is a chance.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34It's not running the bulls at Pamplona, is it?
0:37:34 > 0:37:35No, not the bulls at Pamplona.
0:37:35 > 0:37:39- I was going to say dining with you at the Dorchester!- That might do it.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42- It's not one of these Ironman races, is it?- It's that sort of thing.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44It's an incredibly difficult marathon.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47It's called the Marathon des Sables,
0:37:47 > 0:37:50- which your French will tell you means...?- Marathon of the sable.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52LAUGHTER
0:37:52 > 0:37:54These little black furry creatures... Yes.
0:37:54 > 0:37:59- Sand is sable in French. - Oh, sable. Sorry, sorry.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01It's the Marathon of the Sands,
0:38:01 > 0:38:04and it's an extraordinarily enduring and gruelling event
0:38:04 > 0:38:07in which you have to carry your own food, although there are water stops,
0:38:07 > 0:38:11and it's a six-day... Each day you run a marathon in the Sahara Desert.
0:38:11 > 0:38:12People are very weird, aren't they?
0:38:12 > 0:38:16I have a friend who does it and she's done it twice, which is extraordinary.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19Did she have to go back because she had forgotten something?
0:38:19 > 0:38:22- On two separate years!- They'd better not tell Izzard about it.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25- AS EDDIE IZZARD:- "Really? Er... OK!"
0:38:25 > 0:38:27LAUGHTER
0:38:27 > 0:38:30"How many? How many do they do? OK."
0:38:30 > 0:38:31LAUGHTER
0:38:31 > 0:38:37"Er, I'm going to do 120 Desert marathons a week, for a year."
0:38:37 > 0:38:39- LAUGHTER - "Yes, true story."
0:38:39 > 0:38:42Very good Eddie, I have to say!
0:38:42 > 0:38:44APPLAUSE
0:38:45 > 0:38:50I'm going to the pub every night for 27 years.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52LAUGHTER
0:38:52 > 0:38:55In tribute to Nelson Mandela.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58Consider the case of Mauro Prosperi,
0:38:58 > 0:39:01who was a very experienced runner, an Italian policeman, in fact,
0:39:01 > 0:39:04who, in 1994, was doing the Marathon des Sables and there was a sandstorm,
0:39:04 > 0:39:06and he disobeyed the official instructions
0:39:06 > 0:39:09that if you are in a sandstorm, you hunker down
0:39:09 > 0:39:10and wait till it passes.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13I guess he wanted to win, so he carried on running and got lost.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16And this is a bad thing in the Sahara, as I'm sure you can imagine.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19By the second day he was drinking his urine, naturally.
0:39:19 > 0:39:20On the third he found an abandoned shrine,
0:39:20 > 0:39:24managed to kill a couple of bats, whose blood he drank.
0:39:24 > 0:39:28He then decided to kill himself with the penknife, but he was so dehydrated, the blood didn't flow.
0:39:28 > 0:39:30He was rather encouraged to wake up the next morning,
0:39:30 > 0:39:35and so he ran for the next five days, drinking urine and dew,
0:39:35 > 0:39:38and eating the occasional lizard that he found and managed to kill on the way.
0:39:38 > 0:39:42After nine days, he encountered some nomads who got him back to safety.
0:39:42 > 0:39:47He'd lost three stone and was 130 miles off course in Algeria.
0:39:47 > 0:39:51- LAUGHTER - So, and then he did it again for six years.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54He went back and did it again. Amazing.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57I mean, bizarre, but there you go. Sheesh!
0:39:57 > 0:40:02- No-one gives the nomads much credit in that story, do they?- No, quite!
0:40:02 > 0:40:05"He was out there for nine days". "Oh, my whole life!"
0:40:05 > 0:40:07Yeah, exactly.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09- PHILL LAUGHS - "He walked for six days."
0:40:09 > 0:40:12"Oh, get over yourself!"
0:40:12 > 0:40:13LAUGHTER
0:40:13 > 0:40:15I was doing that when I was three.
0:40:15 > 0:40:20- "Drinking your own piss? Luxury." - LAUGHTER
0:40:22 > 0:40:25But his description of it is really a very good ode to life, isn't it?
0:40:25 > 0:40:28He said, "I didn't panic, I just despaired."
0:40:28 > 0:40:29There you are.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32Anyway, what did Napoleon say to Josephine
0:40:32 > 0:40:35- on his way back from a journey? - Ah, I sense a trap!
0:40:35 > 0:40:37LAUGHTER
0:40:37 > 0:40:41The only thing I know about Napoleon to Josephine was he said,
0:40:41 > 0:40:45- what was it? Rob, what was it? - LAUGHTER
0:40:47 > 0:40:48Phill?
0:40:48 > 0:40:50- LAUGHTER - Cal?
0:40:50 > 0:40:54I'm, I'm going to do it! "I'm coming back, don't wash!"
0:40:54 > 0:40:57- Oh! - KLAXON BLARES
0:40:57 > 0:41:01No, that is one of the two things that people know that Napoleon said.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04"Yeah, I shall be home soon, don't wash." Cos he liked them dirty!
0:41:04 > 0:41:06There is no evidence of that whatsoever.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09The earliest place this quotation can be sourced is 1981.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11I only know the other one.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14The other one, which might be...? What?
0:41:14 > 0:41:15It's the one... Rob?
0:41:15 > 0:41:16LAUGHTER
0:41:16 > 0:41:18Phill, you know it.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21- Cal, it's... Really? - I'm still stuck on the no washing.
0:41:21 > 0:41:24- "Pas ce soir, Josephine."- Oh! - Ah, got away with it!
0:41:24 > 0:41:28Josephine, on the right, there, she's got the same black eyes
0:41:28 > 0:41:31that all the people in my pictures have got on my computer
0:41:31 > 0:41:33when I try and get rid of the red eye.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36They end up with massive black dots
0:41:36 > 0:41:40and they look like something from a zombie film.
0:41:40 > 0:41:41I'm sorry you fell into our trap,
0:41:41 > 0:41:44but you managed to avoid the trap of, "Not tonight, Josephine,"
0:41:44 > 0:41:47which is the other thing he was supposed to have said.
0:41:47 > 0:41:51That appears in a play, WG Wills play called The Royal Divorce, which didn't come out until 1891,
0:41:51 > 0:41:55some 70 years after the death of the Emperor.
0:41:55 > 0:41:59- "An army marches on its stomach." - Yes, well, indeed, yes.
0:41:59 > 0:42:03- Did he say that?- Unlikely to have said that to Josephine,
0:42:03 > 0:42:05- but he might have done. - LAUGHTER
0:42:05 > 0:42:08I think he meant it more as a, sort of, you know, point about logistics.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11Maybe he discussed all sorts of battle stuff?
0:42:11 > 0:42:12He might have done.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15He said, "I prefer a lucky general to a skilled one," as well.
0:42:15 > 0:42:19We don't know anything particular that Josephine and Napoleon might have said to each other
0:42:19 > 0:42:24but we do know one thing - "Journeys end in lovers meeting,"
0:42:24 > 0:42:27- that's Shakespeare... - LAUGHTER
0:42:27 > 0:42:28..and in fourth place.
0:42:28 > 0:42:31PHILL LAUGHS
0:42:31 > 0:42:33In fourth place, we have, I'm sorry to say
0:42:33 > 0:42:38but he did fall into some of our honeytraps rather cumbrously,
0:42:38 > 0:42:40Phill Jupitus with minus 16!
0:42:40 > 0:42:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:44 > 0:42:46And...
0:42:46 > 0:42:49our little kiwi fruit is third with minus eight!
0:42:49 > 0:42:51Cal Wilson!
0:42:51 > 0:42:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:55 > 0:42:58But hold the front page...
0:42:58 > 0:43:00second, with minus three, Rob Brydon!
0:43:00 > 0:43:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:06 > 0:43:11With an astonishing plus four, Alan Davies is the winner!
0:43:11 > 0:43:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:19 > 0:43:23So, that's all from Rob, Phill, Cal, Alan and me.
0:43:23 > 0:43:26The last word on journeys comes from Erma Bombeck, who said,
0:43:26 > 0:43:30"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic
0:43:30 > 0:43:32"who waved away the dessert cart."
0:43:32 > 0:43:34Have a safe trip. Good night.
0:43:34 > 0:43:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE