0:00:05 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:39and dare I say again, good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:39 > 0:00:42which tonight features Jack and Jill,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44and indeed John, James, Johannes,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47or anybody else whose name begins with J.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Let's meet every man Jack of 'em. Jack the Lad, Sue Perkins.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Jack the Giant Killer, Katy Brand.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Mad Jack McMad, winner of last year's Mr Madman competition,
0:01:05 > 0:01:06David Mitchell.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:15And someone who doesn't know Jack. It's Alan Davies.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:24So, buzzer-wise, let's hear it for the girls. Katy goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:30# Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene. #
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- I worship that woman.- Sue goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:35# The Jean Genie lives on his back
0:01:35 > 0:01:37# The Jean Genie. #
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Happy with that.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Good. David goes...
0:01:40 > 0:01:44# Jennifer Juniper... #
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Awww. And Alan goes...
0:01:46 > 0:01:50MUSIC: "Jessica" by The Allman Brothers Band
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Ah!
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Ah, now do you know, that's the theme for Top Gear.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- Top Gear!- And what's the name of that piece of music?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02It's hard to think that the most testosterone-driven programme
0:02:02 > 0:02:06in television history is introduced by Jessica.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11That's the name of that song. It is. Jessica by the Allman Brothers.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14And that's the most interesting fact in the world.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18So, don't forget, we are looking for names beginning with J.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Who dies if they don't have sex for a year?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Is it Russell Brand?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27SIREN WAILS
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Good night! Bye-bye!
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- I fear we were there before you, Sue.- Yeah, you were.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40He so doesn't begin with a J. Jo Brand does, but she may die, I don't know.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- No, it's two years before Jo Brand dies.- Yeah, exactly.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I suspect it's not a human.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Correctly correctington.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- It's something other... - It is from the animal kingdom.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I actually conducted an experiment many years ago to see
0:02:53 > 0:02:56if you could survive a year without having sex,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59and I'm happy to tell you that yes, you can.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03I was worried your experiment was going to be that you'd had sex
0:03:03 > 0:03:05with a variety of animals to see.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08It wasn't clear to me that it was you,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11it sounded to me like you had someone in a room locked up
0:03:11 > 0:03:14for a year just to see if they would die without sex.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- They were the control. - They were the control, yeah.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21- While you were freely roaming. - Yes. And as it turned out, neither of us had sex.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Could you not have saved each other by having sex with one another?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I think if you put someone in a room and then you have sex with them,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29that's a crime.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33So it's an animal and it's going to begin with a J?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Well, yes, though the species of animal doesn't begin with J.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Right.- It's just that the particular gender begins with a J.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43It's a furry mammal often kept as a pet. And the male...
0:03:43 > 0:03:45- Cat, dog, rabbit, hamster, gerbil... - Cow?!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Cat! Gerbil.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49No, you were closer with gerbil.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- A ferret.- A ferret.- Ferret.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Now, what's a male ferret called? - Jeff.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- He might be. - They're actually, they begin with H.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59They're called a hob.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- A hob?- But a female is called a...
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Jenny?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- Not a Jenny, but it might as well be, almost.- Julia.- Jennifer.- No.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08A June. Judy.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10# Jolene, Jolene... #
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- It's not Jolene. That would be so pleasing.- Jane.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15No, it's a jill.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- How did we not get Jill?- A hob and a jill. Who knows why these...?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20A hob and a jill. That doesn't go.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23These are medieval assignations. It's extraordinary.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24It sounds like a dance.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28And what happens on, is it literally on day 365, they just explode?
0:04:30 > 0:04:31It's a leap year! Come on!
0:04:33 > 0:04:38In mid-summer they become oestrus, they're on heat.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- The poor jill, the poor female ferret.- Jill Ferret.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Jill Ferret, yeah,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45and if she hasn't had sex, she carries on producing oestrogen,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47she gets aplastic anaemia and dies.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- So she basically boils to death of heat.- Yeah, kind of.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53So what you have to do if you have a pet female ferret,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- is either spay her... - Shag it.- Sleep with her.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59No...
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- Treat her nice. - It would be the ultimate sacrifice.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- Find a hob for her.- Find a hob for her, you don't shag her, Katy. - And then cook her on the hob, yeah.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Well, you can give injections. You can give injections.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13It's easier to have sex with her, really.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16It's going to take away some of the pride in the conquest
0:05:16 > 0:05:20from the male ferret, isn't it? You know, towards the end of the summer.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23The male ferret is very ferocious. They have a hooked penis.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Do they have a bone in there?
0:05:24 > 0:05:29They don't, like a badger, that's good, though. It's a hook, really.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32And so it's up to the male to unhook himself when he's satisfied.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- He also bites the back of the neck of the female.- It sounds like fun.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36It sounds like Russell Brand!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40"Come 'ere, love!"
0:05:40 > 0:05:45So yeah, there's your ferret. And it comes from the Latin, "furritus", which means?
0:05:45 > 0:05:46"Have sex with me or die."
0:05:49 > 0:05:51It means, actually, "little thief".
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- Oh.- They're always nicking things.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55That ferret looks very sweet there
0:05:55 > 0:05:59and doesn't look like the sort of ferret that would hook you
0:05:59 > 0:06:00with a bone in its penis.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02But that's how they get you in, isn't it?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Exactly.- They get you with the eyes, the soft eyes.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- Yeah, they look so loveable. - Then comes the boomerang cock.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Apparently, flatworms fight with their penises like swords.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19And the one that loses gets stabbed and becomes a girl.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24- That's a brilliant system. - So they do these fights, and they've both got penises, fight, fight, argh!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27It's like fencing, but when the rapier goes in, it becomes a lady
0:06:27 > 0:06:28and has to give birth.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31But that's win-win for the victorious one,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- because they win and then they get to have a shag...- Yeah.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37..with the newly formed female.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Whereas the loser gets hurt and then suddenly develops breasts.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- And violated. - Feels violated and then has a baby.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Let's not get all women's lib about this.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Let's leave that.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Anyway, what made Mad Jack so mad?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Something he ate, I expect.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- Had he been on holiday?- That's a mad Jack, that's a very familiar...
0:07:00 > 0:07:04People are always eating things, or there's stuff in paint, that makes you mad, doesn't it?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07But no, it's really, where does the phrase Mad Jack come from?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- Why Mad Jack? - The original Mad Jack.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12They go back quite a long way. It's basically applied to anybody,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15whether they're named John or Jack or not. They're just called Mad Jack
0:07:15 > 0:07:17and no-one quite knows why.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Who was the first Mad Jack?- Very hard to trace. Very hard to trace.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24There was Mad Jack Mytton, who was a very eccentric aristocrat,
0:07:24 > 0:07:28who paid £10 to a thousand of the constituents of Shrewsbury
0:07:28 > 0:07:32for their vote, which is the equivalent of £750,000
0:07:32 > 0:07:35in today's money. That was in 1819
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- and he was elected to be the member for Shrewsbury.- No shit!
0:07:38 > 0:07:43Sounds broadly similar to our current system.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45And also similar to our current system is,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47he found debating incredibly boring,
0:07:47 > 0:07:51he only attended one session of Parliament, for 30 minutes,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54having paid £750,000 for the privilege.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57And stood down in the next year, 1820.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- It's a hobby. - If you're an aristocrat,
0:07:59 > 0:08:00you're eccentric, aren't you?
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- But if you're poor, you're just mad and you're a loony. I know. - And you end up in an asylum.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Though he did end his days
0:08:06 > 0:08:08in a debtors' prison, he lost all his money.
0:08:08 > 0:08:14He used to...he once set fire to his night shirt to cure his hiccups.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19That would probably work, but it's not actually a shock, is it?
0:08:19 > 0:08:20No, it's not.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22If you can get someone else to do it
0:08:22 > 0:08:24when you're not expecting it, then that's a shock.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Although it could end up in a sort of Clouseau-Cato scenario,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31where it's impossible to explain to someone
0:08:31 > 0:08:35that it's no longer necessary for them to find a moment to set fire to your pyjamas.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Did he wake up in the burns unit and go...
0:08:38 > 0:08:39- Oh! - HE HICCUPS
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Oh!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46He also liked to get up in the middle of the night
0:08:46 > 0:08:48and shoot ducks while he was naked.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Naked duck shooting.- SUE: Was there any reason for the nudity?
0:08:51 > 0:08:56He probably thought, "They're naked, why shouldn't I be?"
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Is it wrong to be starting to slightly fall in love with this man?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I know what you mean.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03You might fall in love with Charles Howard,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05who was the 20th Earl of Suffolk.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09And during the war, he went into Nazi-occupied Paris
0:09:09 > 0:09:15and he rescued 10 million worth of industrial diamonds
0:09:15 > 0:09:18and all the heavy water that the Germans had.
0:09:18 > 0:09:23But he also managed to bring back 50 nuclear scientists from Paris.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25This is all during the time the Nazis were occupying.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28So he was described by Harold Macmillan as a kind of cross
0:09:28 > 0:09:30between Francis Drake and the Scarlet Pimpernel.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31He was a very brave man.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34He then trained himself to be able to defuse bombs
0:09:34 > 0:09:36and had his own bomb disposal unit,
0:09:36 > 0:09:40which was his secretary, Eileen, and his chauffeur, Fred.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44When you say he trained himself, that's quite hardcore.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- It is.- There's only one way to go if you get it wrong.- Yeah.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Well, he did unfortunately get it wrong, on his... I think his 35th bomb,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54aged 34, 35 or something, so he was, he was a good Mad Jack.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57There was Mad Jack Churchill as well, in the Second World War.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00And he was the only soldier known to have gone into battle
0:10:00 > 0:10:04in the Second World War armed with...what weapon of choice?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Teapot.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08SUE: A dessert spoon.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Sorry, cosy. Tea cosy.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- A tea cosy!- SUE: A cheese slicer. - A bow and arrow.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16Did he know what decade or even what century he was in?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- He was a gallant, chivalrous man. - "Marvellous stuff!"
0:10:18 > 0:10:22And also, he would have a sword on the battlefield.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25That's even stupider, isn't it? Because if you've got a bow and arrow,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28you can't use a sword at the same time.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32He thought no gentleman was dressed for battle unless they had a sword.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34And he also said that if you smile at the enemy,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36they're less likely to shoot you.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37And he was...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39SUE: I wonder how he died!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42No, he was taken prisoner, in fact.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Because he was so charming.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Who is that devastating man with the lovely smile?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51He was actually housed at Sachsenhausen,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53which was the VIP prison camp.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57The Germans thought he was related to Winston Churchill, which he wasn't.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Mad Jack Churchill.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Anyway, Mad Jack Churchill didn't die until 1996, so he had
0:11:02 > 0:11:06a more fortunate life than Charles Howard, 20th Earl of Suffolk.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08There's a load of Jacks.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11But how did Queen Jenga arrange her harem?
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Oh, was it like that and then that and then that?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Three rows that way and then three rows...
0:11:17 > 0:11:20SIREN WAILS
0:11:20 > 0:11:21For you!
0:11:21 > 0:11:26You're being so kind. She was quite a piece of work, Queen Jenga.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Bow and arrow and sword, apparently.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29And sword, exactly.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31He didn't think of the bells, though.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- No, the bells... - That would have clinched it for him.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- That would have been a good... - That's just to make people look up. Ding ding ding! Who is it?
0:11:38 > 0:11:43She was a 17th-century member of the Royal Family of...
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Well, she killed her brother, who was called Ngola,
0:11:46 > 0:11:48after which the country Angola is named,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51supposedly her nephew as well, and ate his heart.
0:11:51 > 0:11:56And she liked men to fight each other to death
0:11:56 > 0:11:58and the winner would sleep with her for the night
0:11:58 > 0:12:00and then be killed in the morning.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02So she was...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04What's the incentive to then enter the competition?
0:12:04 > 0:12:08You're killed either way, so it's whether you get a shag or you're killed without one.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12But what kind of shag would you have
0:12:12 > 0:12:14when you know at the end of it, you're going to get murdered?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16I mean, that is one tense coitus.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20I think Mr Tiggy would probably be a bit shrivelly, wouldn't he?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Yes, Mr Tiggy would.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Is that not a universal name?
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Oh, my goodness.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Too much Mr Tiggy information.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36There must be the promise of a reprieve.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Well, you'd think if you were really, really good.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42"If you really please me, I will not kill you with my bells."
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"Or my sword or my big bag."
0:12:47 > 0:12:48What's the bell for?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Is that to just give somebody tinnitus
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- before they're eviscerated, or something?- Room service.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54She was not a...
0:12:54 > 0:12:56You rang?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59She was not a kindly soul, it must be said.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02But what of the game Jenga? What do we know of its origins?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- I want to say it's Scandinavian. - Does it mean something?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07It does mean something.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10It's a Swahili word, so it is African.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Swahili for "timber!"
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Actually, the reverse. It's the Swahili for to build
0:13:17 > 0:13:20and it was invented by a woman called Leslie Scott
0:13:20 > 0:13:23and she's still with us, I think, so it is pretty recent.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25You can always get giant versions of it.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28We had a giant one. We thought it'd be a great thing to have
0:13:28 > 0:13:30at a party with lots of toddlers around, but actually,
0:13:30 > 0:13:35- three or four of them got quite severely injured.- Whoops!
0:13:35 > 0:13:37You build them up and say, "The kids will like that,"
0:13:37 > 0:13:42and you wonder off and have a glass of Pimm's and suddenly there's...
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- Blood everywhere!- Yeah.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Slaughter! Infanticide!
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Buried underneath a lot of...
0:13:48 > 0:13:51"Where's Timmy?" "I don't know."
0:13:51 > 0:13:53"He's under the Jenga!"
0:13:53 > 0:13:58- That's an extremely middle-class form of neglect, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Crushed by the Jenga.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04- I've never liked Jenga.- Yes, why does it have to be plain wood?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07It makes it look like it was invented at the time of Boudica.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- It could be colourful wood.- There are versions with coloured wood.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12There are adult truth-or-dare versions,
0:14:12 > 0:14:14there are rolling dice versions.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17People have tried all kinds of variations.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21What about a Lego version? And then, you know...
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Too easy, do you think?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Trying to get one out would not be easy.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28You could play it with cement and bricks.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Then you're just building a house.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32It's just construction.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Gold bars!
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Well, the only limit is your imagination.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Surely that's not Jenga's slogan, is it?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45I'd say there are severe limits to that game
0:14:45 > 0:14:48within even my limited imagination.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52- I think their slogan is- (DEEP AMERICAN VOICE)- "This summer..."
0:14:52 > 0:14:54"Logs will fall."
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Are the children safe? "Waah!"
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Oh, my God, yeah! It's like The Borrowers.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03How many pieces are there?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- 90.- Too many.- What?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- 90.- No, it's got to be a number that's divisible by three.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13- Intelligence. That's nice to hear. - 90 is a number divisible by three.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Divisible by three.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17335!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I said 90!
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Well, that's true, it is.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24APPLAUSE
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Hoist by my own petard!
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Are there not 90, then?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- No, there are 54. 18 rows. - A triple 18.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I'm quite good with threes, because of the dartboard.
0:15:34 > 0:15:3754, also divisible by three.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40You can tell whether a number is divisible by three if you add up...
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Like 54, you add the five and four
0:15:41 > 0:15:44and if that's divisible by three, the number is divisible by three.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- That's very true. - Where were you when I was seven?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51If it's divisible by nine, you add the numbers and they add up to nine.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- 81, 72...- Oh, God!
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- 54 again.- Does it work over 100?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Yes, always. Nine's a freakish, fantastic, great number.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03You add up the digits until you come to a single number.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05108, 117, 126,
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- 135, 144, 153...- All add up to nine.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11All working. 162. How long have we got?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13You've lost me, I'm afraid.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14171, 180, yeah.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18It is amazing, isn't it? It's really just, "Coo-wow!"
0:16:18 > 0:16:22- Maybe God's a mathematician. - Up to 180, and then 189...
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- Is still...- Yeah, is 17 + 1, which is 18, and 8 + 1 is 9.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- Oh, you can do it that way?- Yes, it still reduces down to nine.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- And keep going?- Until you get it down to a single number.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35I don't know whether to cry or wet myself with excitement.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I'm going to do both.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38I always do both.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Exciting news for home learners!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Describe the best ever game of royal hide and seek.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Well, I presume the Hampton Court Maze is involved.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Well, no, actually. That's just sort of giving an example.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Oh, no.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- Up the tree. The Royal Oak. - That's certainly...
0:16:56 > 0:16:58that was pretty good. I mean, he hid.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01The princes in the Tower, and they hid so well
0:17:01 > 0:17:03that it was hundreds of years and then they were skeletons.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Is it any game of hide and seek
0:17:06 > 0:17:09in which you never find Prince Edward again?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11No. Remember, we're in the world of Js.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Now, the Civil War, Charles I.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- John.- No, Charles I had two sons. - There's a J in it.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Charles, who became Charles II.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- And James...- Who became? - James I.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- No.- James II.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25It makes sense, because The Second was their surname
0:17:25 > 0:17:26and they were brothers.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29SUE: That's what, yeah.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31KATY: They're like the boys from the band Blue.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- There's Duncan from Blue, and there's Simon from Blue.- Yeah.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- They're all related as well, aren't they?- Well,
0:17:37 > 0:17:39James was imprisoned at St James's Palace.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Named not after him, but the saint, of course.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Oh, what an ordeal(!)
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Yeah, I know. He used to play hide and seek and he was so good at it
0:17:46 > 0:17:50that the servants would spend hours looking for him and...
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Oh, they wouldn't look for him at all.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55He'd be hiding and they'd go and have lunch.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58"Another game of hide and seek?" "Yes."
0:17:58 > 0:18:01"Oh, we couldn't find you, sir."
0:18:01 > 0:18:02It was all part of his plan,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05because one day he managed to get hold of the gardener's key,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08and while playing hide and seek he actually escaped from the Palace
0:18:08 > 0:18:12and met up with a Colonel Blumpstead, or some similar name,
0:18:12 > 0:18:16who was a royalist, as you would be if you were called Blumpstead.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18"Oh, Blumpstead, Blumpstead!"
0:18:18 > 0:18:23And he escaped to Holland, where he lived a happy life.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25It was actually Bampfield, not Blumpstead.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27But still, "Bampfield" is clearly a royalist.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29So are you saying the hide and seek prowess was sort of
0:18:29 > 0:18:32all part of the strategy, or that was just a happy...?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- Yeah, preparing for an escape. - Oh, I see.- At the age of 12.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37It's like the Shawshank Redemption.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Yeah, except he was 12, which is impressive.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- He was 12?!- He was 12, so it's quite impressive.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42- He was only 12.- Brilliant.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45How does he come into contact with Major Bampfield?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I guess secret messages were passed in some way...
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I'd dread to think, now I know he's 12.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53You've got to be careful as a boy, running away with a random colonel.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- To Amsterdam.- Especially...
0:18:55 > 0:18:58You can't be sure. I mean, he might be a royalist, or...
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Especially to Amsterdam, yes, quite. No, you're right.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04"Come with me, it's going to be such fun."
0:19:04 > 0:19:07"No, really, I am seriously a colonel."
0:19:10 > 0:19:15Possibly the saddest story of hide and seek that you can think of,
0:19:15 > 0:19:19although it has a kind of happy ending, is Liu Wei,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22a Chinese pianist who was playing hide and seek
0:19:22 > 0:19:27and he electrocuted himself so badly that he lost both his arms
0:19:27 > 0:19:30so he learnt to play the piano with his toes, and in 2010,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32he won China's Got Talent!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- Which is rather pleasing.- So he can play, and all of his toes work...?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40They look like fingers. It's astonishing, really amazing.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45Are you sure he just hasn't got his head in the wrong place?
0:19:45 > 0:19:49He's got his hands down a pair of trousers.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51"Look at my toes! Look at my toes!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54"Now I take my socks off...
0:19:56 > 0:19:59"Playing the piano with my toes, everyone!"
0:19:59 > 0:20:02He's saying he's a man who can play the piano with his feet.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06He's a man with a penis that looks like a face.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Still, he wins China's Got Talent.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I'm sure Si-mon Cao-wel
0:20:10 > 0:20:14would have checked out his credentials in every respect.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16So, while on the subject of King James's,
0:20:16 > 0:20:21imagine that Jamie Oliver was to be crowned the next king of England.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- It's sort of... - Not inconceivable.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Not inconceivable in the strange world in which we live.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27President Oliver.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29What number James would he be?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32What would be his regnal number, as the official says it?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34It would be different in England from Scotland.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37No, there's just one UK, so it would be the same in both,
0:20:37 > 0:20:38but what would it be?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I'm desperate to say James III.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43SIREN WAILS Yes!
0:20:44 > 0:20:45No.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49No, because what happened was, when Elizabeth was crowned,
0:20:49 > 0:20:5360 years ago, she was of course called Queen Elizabeth II.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56But in Scotland, there was a bit of an outcry.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Because she wasn't the second Queen Elizabeth in Scotland,
0:20:59 > 0:21:01she was the first.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02They had Mary Queen of Scots
0:21:02 > 0:21:05when Elizabeth I was on the throne.
0:21:05 > 0:21:10So a few early "E II R" pillar boxes were trashed in Scotland
0:21:10 > 0:21:11and there was a big fuss.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14And Winston Churchill, who was Prime Minister in 1953,
0:21:14 > 0:21:16he sort of decided that there...
0:21:16 > 0:21:18This is 350 years later!
0:21:18 > 0:21:21I know, people have long memories on these things.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24So Churchill essentially laid down a convention
0:21:24 > 0:21:28whereby UK monarchs would be numbered uniformly
0:21:28 > 0:21:31according to either an English or Scottish reckoning,
0:21:31 > 0:21:32whichever was higher.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35So James I of England was James the..?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Sixth.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41..VI of Scotland. So James II was James VII,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44so if there were another James, he would be called James VIII.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46That would be the procedure.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I worry when you say things like this
0:21:49 > 0:21:53that you're the only person who knows
0:21:53 > 0:21:57and if Jamie Oliver did become king and you weren't around to tell them,
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- they might get it wrong. - That's sweet.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02You need to leave these things in a notebook somewhere.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05We need to get some tablets for you to...
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Princess Anne looks a lot like my daughter in that picture, quite disturbingly.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Gosh! She's very young there, isn't she?
0:22:11 > 0:22:15I feel sorry for all the other finalists to be Queen.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19APPLAUSE
0:22:24 > 0:22:27There is also unresolved controversy over the naming of the QE2.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Do you know what this might be?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Well, I've always wondered,
0:22:32 > 0:22:36I was never sure whether the QE2 was named after Queen Elizabeth II,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- or was the second ship called Queen Elizabeth?- Yes.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Because there's a Queen Mary 2.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Exactly. The second vessel of the Cunard line to be called Queen Mary.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47And opinion is divided, but a lot of people think it was literally
0:22:47 > 0:22:49just the second ship to be called Queen Elizabeth.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52But the Queen herself, when launching it, saying,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54"I name this ship Queen Elizabeth The Second"
0:22:54 > 0:22:57so Cunard had to rename it, basically, because she'd done it.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01I was once invited to the launching of a Swan Hellenic cruise liner
0:23:01 > 0:23:05and they said, "So, you say your speech, and then you hand over
0:23:05 > 0:23:08"to Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, who will do the launching."
0:23:08 > 0:23:11I said, "Oh, I'm not going to do the launching?"
0:23:11 > 0:23:13They said, "You can't launch a ship!
0:23:13 > 0:23:16"You're a man!" Did you know that men can't launch ships?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- So only women can launch ships? - Yes, because I think
0:23:18 > 0:23:22- it was Edward VII or someone... - It's bad luck, isn't it?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24launched the Lusitania and the Titanic
0:23:24 > 0:23:26and marine people are quite superstitious.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30And women moan about the glass ceiling!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33We can't even launch ships!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35We don't want top-level employment,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38we just want to smash a bottle of champagne against a ship.
0:23:38 > 0:23:43- Everyone wants to launch ships. It's the best job!- It's just that.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46You've got to say, "I name this ship..."
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- "Barry."- "Barry."- Smash.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- Yeah.- So there is indeed controversy. Opinion is divided.
0:23:52 > 0:23:58How does the Siberian Jay stick his nuts to a tree?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00LAUGHTER
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- It's not snot?- It's not.- Beak mucus?
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- Saliva.- Tears?- He uses saliva.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Tears! (RUSSIAN VOICE) "Oh, it's so cold here.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12"Thank God my nuts have stuck."
0:24:13 > 0:24:1890% of all the oaks in Britain
0:24:18 > 0:24:21are germinated, as it were, by the European Jay.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25They collect over a billion a year
0:24:25 > 0:24:27and bury them in the ground.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30They can have nine in their gullet and one in their beak.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Is it from whole acorns or is it because they've eaten them?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35They hold them in their gullet, then bury them
0:24:35 > 0:24:38in the same way squirrels do with nuts, but the point is,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41the Siberian Jay lives in a very cold climate, of course,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44and it's harder to bury things cos of the impacted ice
0:24:44 > 0:24:47so it sticks the nuts it gets from its trees
0:24:47 > 0:24:49with its saliva to the tree itself.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54- Does that mean you get trees growing off trees?- It's like the jay...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56I imagine after a night out,
0:24:56 > 0:24:59it would be the Siberian Jay version of a street of kebab shops.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04They can just fly down an avenue of trees, just snacking...
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- On a snotty nut! - It's probably quite lucky, isn't it,
0:25:08 > 0:25:11that nothing germinates from a discarded kebab?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Our city centres would be even worse.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21These little disgusting saplings with doner meat coming off them.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Oh, a very Doctor Who nightmare, isn't it?
0:25:25 > 0:25:29Anyway, how did the first person to realise they were colour-blind
0:25:29 > 0:25:31know they were colour-blind?
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Did they say, "Ah, the red shoots of spring"?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Undoubtedly someone would have corrected them.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40"I'm giving a green light to a bull."
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Do you know the name for the classic sort of colour-blindness?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I know the guy who it was, a guy called John Dalton.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50That's right! That's right, John Dalton.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Well done. Points, definitely.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55There he is. He was a very brilliant and precocious child
0:25:55 > 0:25:59from a Quaker family. By the age of 12, he was supervising the school
0:25:59 > 0:26:03but he made a rather drastic error, given that he was a Quaker
0:26:03 > 0:26:05and therefore from a rather pious family
0:26:05 > 0:26:09and he decided to buy his mother a pair of bloomers...
0:26:09 > 0:26:12they weren't bloomers in those days, a pair of stockings,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14for her birthday
0:26:14 > 0:26:16and they were a vivid red and he thought they were blue.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20And she was shocked, because red was the colour of a whore.
0:26:20 > 0:26:25And to buy your mother red pants was just not done.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Buying your mother pants is normal!
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Buying red pants, that's weird.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34But the other thing is,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37he noticed that his brother didn't tell the difference either
0:26:37 > 0:26:42so made the connection, which holds true, that there is a genetic disposition to colour-blindness.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45So he's the first person to point out it's generic
0:26:45 > 0:26:47because his brother also has the condition
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- and this is obviously pre-genetics. - Not genetic,
0:26:49 > 0:26:53but family, sort of related, inherited traits were understood.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56He actually thought the reason for it
0:26:56 > 0:26:58was that the liquid in the eye which we all have
0:26:58 > 0:27:01was tinted blue, which was making him see wrong
0:27:01 > 0:27:06and when he died, he'd ordered that his eyeballs be dug out and squirted
0:27:06 > 0:27:09and that instantly proved that they weren't tinted blue.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12We now know that it's a problem with the cones of the eye.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16- Is there red-blue colour-blindness? I thought it was just red-green. - Red-green, yes,
0:27:16 > 0:27:18but they see it as a kind of... I say they,
0:27:18 > 0:27:21there are lots of different types of colour-blindness. Strangely,
0:27:21 > 0:27:25there are four top 20 billiards... snooker players, I beg your pardon,
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- Peter Ebdon, of course, who are colour-blind.- That'll be awkward.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Just occasionally, they have to ask the referee which ball...
0:27:31 > 0:27:35Which is the table and which is the ball?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39He can't be doing well there, if you look. All the reds are over there.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42He's ground his way into a World Championship
0:27:42 > 0:27:44so it's not done him any harm.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47You know traffic police play snooker? Did you know about that?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49They're bored in a lay-by,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52they first have to book a red car and that's one point,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55so they chase the red car, find something wrong with it,
0:27:55 > 0:27:59give them a fine because they've got one rear light missing
0:27:59 > 0:28:01and then they can choose any colour.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Say they'll go for a black car for seven points,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05then a blue car will be five points,
0:28:05 > 0:28:08then they go back to red until they've done 15 reds.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09Let's all get white cars.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Then they can just fuck off.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16APPLAUSE
0:28:20 > 0:28:24I'd say worse things have been done in a lay-by than that.
0:28:24 > 0:28:29Horribly true. Horribly, horribly, horribly true.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31But yes, that was Dalton's problem.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34He's sure that his mother wasn't also colour-blind
0:28:34 > 0:28:37but just didn't like being bought pants by her child?
0:28:37 > 0:28:40I think we're pretty certain about that.
0:28:40 > 0:28:41I think it was perhaps more normal
0:28:41 > 0:28:44to buy stockings, shall we say, for a lady.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48It's just nothing, just suspenders, something normal to buy your mother.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50A little frilly...
0:28:50 > 0:28:52A French little tunic.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Everyone likes their mother to look sexy.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59Sexy and blue, not red, because that makes her look a bit whorey.
0:28:59 > 0:29:03- That's going too far.- "Oh, David. Ann Summers vouchers again!"
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Is there a big drawer full of Ann Summers vouchers?
0:29:09 > 0:29:13I love that Agent Provocateur Christmas...
0:29:14 > 0:29:15What...
0:29:15 > 0:29:18What do you know of the colour-blind test cards?
0:29:18 > 0:29:21What are you seeing on there?
0:29:21 > 0:29:22The number 74.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Very clear. Well done.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27I can see it, but not very clearly.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30- So what does it mean they can't become?- Pilots?
0:29:30 > 0:29:33- Well, no, oddly enough. - Snooker players. No, of course not.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36- We know they can be world champions. - Bullfighters.- Actually,
0:29:36 > 0:29:39it's a myth that you can't be a pilot if you're colour-blind.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41It's only if you're very severely colour-blind
0:29:41 > 0:29:45- that you're disallowed. - You can't tell the difference between the blue sky and the green land?
0:29:45 > 0:29:48- Yes, something like that. - And the grey tarmac.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51The very worst kind of colour-blindness, or "blindness".
0:29:52 > 0:29:56Anyway, they're called the Ishihara tests,
0:29:56 > 0:29:59devised by Shinobu Ishihara, who worked at a military medical school
0:29:59 > 0:30:02and was asked to screen military recruits for abnormalities
0:30:02 > 0:30:06for colour vision. The first plate, that's an orange number 12,
0:30:06 > 0:30:09I'm sure you can see. This was used in the army to weed out draft dodgers
0:30:09 > 0:30:13because if they pretended they couldn't see that it was a 12,
0:30:13 > 0:30:15they knew they were lying, as everyone who can see
0:30:15 > 0:30:18can see that's a 12. There's no kind of colour-blindness
0:30:18 > 0:30:20that can mistake those two.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23And I was feeling proud of being able to see it.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25But don't despair if you're colour-blind.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27There is one advantage you might have.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29Can you think what that would be?
0:30:31 > 0:30:34Ration books? Something with colour?
0:30:34 > 0:30:36No, you're less likely to be fooled by camouflage.
0:30:36 > 0:30:40Because the tamarind, the New World monkey, is colour-blind.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44- Ration books was a rubbish guess! - The tamarind is much, much better
0:30:44 > 0:30:47at eating insects that are disguised as leaves or twigs or whatever
0:30:47 > 0:30:50than other mammals or birds who eat insects
0:30:50 > 0:30:54because they rely on colour more for identifying things,
0:30:54 > 0:30:57so colour-blind people were used often
0:30:57 > 0:31:01for spotting... "Ah, I can see tanks covered in a drape," for example.
0:31:01 > 0:31:02What begins with J
0:31:02 > 0:31:05and was used by the first man to row the Atlantic to attempt suicide?
0:31:05 > 0:31:06Jizz.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11Suicide by jizz?
0:31:11 > 0:31:14On any level, I mean...
0:31:14 > 0:31:18Jill the ferret, sex-starved for 364 days,
0:31:18 > 0:31:20attacked him in an erotic frenzy.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22MUSIC: "Jessica"
0:31:22 > 0:31:23Jellyfish.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26- That's...- That's something that can kill you and they are in the sea.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28You're right. It's slightly confusing.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31He just happened to be the first man to row the Atlantic.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33- But it wasn't while he was on the boat?- No.
0:31:33 > 0:31:34He was a very extraordinary...
0:31:34 > 0:31:38As a child, he nicked a pistol from his Scout troop leader
0:31:38 > 0:31:40and fired at his fellow Scouts
0:31:40 > 0:31:44- and was expelled from the Scout movement...- And got a badge for it.
0:31:44 > 0:31:45- Accuracy!- Yes!
0:31:45 > 0:31:48But then at age 13, he ran away from home to live in the jungle.
0:31:48 > 0:31:52In his early 20s, he met a pirate, who taught him to be a pirate
0:31:52 > 0:31:54and he pirated his way around the Caribbean,
0:31:54 > 0:31:57smuggling liquor and cigarettes and things
0:31:57 > 0:31:59and then in 1969, January 20th,
0:31:59 > 0:32:04he pushed off from the Canary Islands in a self-rising rowing boat
0:32:04 > 0:32:06and rowed all the way to Florida.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09It took him 180 days and he was the first person to do that.
0:32:09 > 0:32:13But it was when he was in the jungle in South America
0:32:13 > 0:32:15that he despaired of his life
0:32:15 > 0:32:19and so he wanted to be killed by something beginning with J.
0:32:19 > 0:32:20Oh. Is it a jaguar?
0:32:20 > 0:32:24Is the right answer! Jaguar! Exactly.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27APPLAUSE
0:32:27 > 0:32:30So what did he do? Did he go out in a meat skirt and a meat helmet
0:32:30 > 0:32:34- and just wait there in the middle of the jungle?- Well, in a sense...
0:32:34 > 0:32:36No, he just wound them up all night by teasing them.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39"You look like a cougar. No-one can tell the difference.
0:32:39 > 0:32:40"You're a panther!"
0:32:40 > 0:32:42He kept a gun by his side in case he changed his mind
0:32:42 > 0:32:45and as the jaguar attacked, he did change his mind
0:32:45 > 0:32:47and shot it dead and then sold its skin,
0:32:47 > 0:32:50- so it was a bit, frankly, unfair on the jaguar.- So he didn't die?
0:32:50 > 0:32:52So he was just lying? Basically lying?
0:32:52 > 0:32:54He really wanted to end his life so he went out and aggravated...
0:32:54 > 0:32:58- He had a gun!- He also had a spear! - I know, if he really meant it...
0:32:58 > 0:33:00I don't believe this bloke! I'm sorry.
0:33:02 > 0:33:03"I don't know how to kill myself.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06"I'm going to wait here for a big cat to arrive."
0:33:06 > 0:33:08Sit here winding up jaguars for days.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10He was just doing it for attention.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12Yes, I think so.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15The J part of it is that his name is John Fairfax, and if you look up
0:33:15 > 0:33:18who the first person to row the Atlantic single-handed was,
0:33:18 > 0:33:23- it was John. - Good old Johnny Fairfax.- Absolutely.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26Now, who's this? What are they doing?
0:33:26 > 0:33:28"I thought it would be ten times as exciting
0:33:28 > 0:33:30"as a swing boat at the fair, but it wasn't.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33"There was no sensation, just a lot of noise and wind.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35"My hair was blown into a tangled mess
0:33:35 > 0:33:38"which couldn't be combed out for days."
0:33:38 > 0:33:40The inventor of the hairdryer.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45Is it Brian May on the latest Thorpe Park ride?
0:33:47 > 0:33:50Well, we're with a transport experience and this person
0:33:50 > 0:33:54was famous for their achievement in it, but the first time they tried it
0:33:54 > 0:33:56- they found it horrible, noisy, windy.- Amy Johnson?
0:33:56 > 0:33:59Amy Johnson is the right answer! Very good.
0:33:59 > 0:34:00It's a J, it's a J.
0:34:02 > 0:34:03There she is.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05APPLAUSE
0:34:05 > 0:34:07That's the J. And what was her great feat?
0:34:07 > 0:34:08- Flew the Atlantic.- Yeah.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10- No, that was Alcock and Brown. - Flew across America.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13- No, she flew from... - Flew to the moon.
0:34:13 > 0:34:14She flew from Britain to Australia.
0:34:14 > 0:34:18- To Australia?- Yeah. Heck of a flight.- Did she ever come back?
0:34:18 > 0:34:21Yes, she certainly did, and when she came back, she landed at
0:34:21 > 0:34:25what was then the sort of London Airport, which was Croydon Airport,
0:34:25 > 0:34:27and there were 200,000 people there to meet her.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30- You're kidding? - No, it was a sensation of the age.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32Was there a car boot sale going on as well?
0:34:32 > 0:34:36No. There was... She had a 12-mile parade through London.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39So she was describing when she first got into an aeroplane,
0:34:39 > 0:34:40and first flew?
0:34:40 > 0:34:43She absolutely hated it. But she stuck with it and became,
0:34:43 > 0:34:46obviously, incredibly good at it. So yes, now then,
0:34:46 > 0:34:50talking of flight, I want you all to do a jolly jape now,
0:34:50 > 0:34:51which is make a dart, a paper dart,
0:34:51 > 0:34:55and see the person who can throw it the furthest wins.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Talk amongst yourselves.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00There are various kinds you can do, just try the type you did at school.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02Oh, I've totally forgotten how to do this.
0:35:02 > 0:35:06And obviously take your time, as quickly as you can.
0:35:06 > 0:35:10Thing is, I'm going to make one the way we used to make them at school,
0:35:10 > 0:35:11knowing they didn't fly very well.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14Well, some people were good at it and some people weren't.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17Interested to see how well you're doing.
0:35:17 > 0:35:18Precision engineering.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21- Oops, I've made a hat.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25I'm put little flaps on mine, is that all right? And a tail.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27I've just had that idea!
0:35:29 > 0:35:30You seem to be ready, who's ready?
0:35:30 > 0:35:33David, have a go.
0:35:33 > 0:35:34As far as you can go.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38APPLAUSE
0:35:38 > 0:35:40Not bad.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44Should you throw or should you cast like a bowler?
0:35:44 > 0:35:45- Ah. Well, it's up to you. - Look at that.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48Yours looks great, I have to say.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53APPLAUSE
0:35:55 > 0:35:57- It went up because of the flaps. - Yeah. Your flaps.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59- Corrugated roof tiles. - Flaps gave it lift.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02Watch out in the back row, this is going to be lethal.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05It's one of those stealth ones, you won't be able to see it,
0:36:05 > 0:36:07you won't be able to measure it.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11You can buy it from Wickes, "It's got her name on it." Oh!
0:36:11 > 0:36:14APPLAUSE
0:36:18 > 0:36:21- A suicide plane.- Impossible. It defies all laws of physics.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23I thought it was acrobatics.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25Sue, your chance for glory.
0:36:25 > 0:36:26I don't think it's going to happen.
0:36:26 > 0:36:30APPLAUSE
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Well, despite the brilliance of Amy Johnson...
0:36:35 > 0:36:38But would you be surprised to know that the paper aeroplane
0:36:38 > 0:36:40that goes the furthest looks like this?
0:36:40 > 0:36:42- Stop it! - Yeah, that's a bracelet.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45I know, it seems hardly credible.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47What do you do? You just scrunch it up and chuck it.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51I'm unfortunately not very good at throwing it.
0:36:51 > 0:36:55I've practised a bit, but the world record is 200 yards.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57- No way!- I'm not kidding you.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59- Straight down. - You're supposed to twist it.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03That's why I'm not good at it, I've never thrown an American football.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05You do it in the style of an American football.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07- ALL: Whoa!- There you go!
0:37:07 > 0:37:09APPLAUSE That's amazing!
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Pretty good, isn't it?
0:37:12 > 0:37:14And that's...
0:37:14 > 0:37:17So why aren't all aeroplanes designed like that?
0:37:17 > 0:37:20It was invented by a man called Mark Forti, whose father worked for NASA.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22Oh, what a cheat.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24Yes, it's a short plastic cylinder,
0:37:24 > 0:37:27slightly weighted on the leading edge and that's as simple as that.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29So you use sticky-back plastic,
0:37:29 > 0:37:32which some purists would say doesn't make it a proper aeroplane,
0:37:32 > 0:37:34because it has to be slightly heavier at the front.
0:37:34 > 0:37:38You would not imagine that was so aerodynamic a shape as a dart,
0:37:38 > 0:37:41which just to our eyes looks right, doesn't it?
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Is that the future of aeroplanes?
0:37:43 > 0:37:45Darts, the future of darts.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47I thought you said "ducks".
0:37:47 > 0:37:50They're going to evolve into kind of cylindrical, little beaks at the top.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53Yeah, birds everywhere are watching this programme,
0:37:53 > 0:37:56"What have we been doing all these... All this?
0:37:56 > 0:37:58"We should have just done that!"
0:38:01 > 0:38:04"And just jumped. What have we been doing?!"
0:38:05 > 0:38:08But we were saying earlier about Amy Johnson,
0:38:08 > 0:38:12almost gave up flying because it made such a mess of her hair.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15Can you remember who wrote the first dictionary in English?
0:38:15 > 0:38:18- Oh, yes. Johnson. - Samuel Johnson.
0:38:18 > 0:38:19Samuel Johnson!
0:38:19 > 0:38:21SIREN WAILS
0:38:21 > 0:38:22No, it wasn't Samuel Johnson.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25I led you down the garden path and spanked you.
0:38:25 > 0:38:26- Baldrick.- Baldrick!
0:38:27 > 0:38:28"B."
0:38:28 > 0:38:30Probably a B, yes.
0:38:30 > 0:38:34"We're going to have to write the whole dictionary tonight!"
0:38:34 > 0:38:37Yes. Dr Johnson's dictionary, written in the earlier part
0:38:37 > 0:38:40of the 18th century, was preceded by, well, there was...
0:38:40 > 0:38:42- Famously, the first dictionary. - Weren't there lots?
0:38:42 > 0:38:46There was a Richard Mulcaster in the 16th century,
0:38:46 > 0:38:49who came up with the name football, in fact, and indeed,
0:38:49 > 0:38:51invented refereeing and the idea of football teams,
0:38:51 > 0:38:54but he wrote Elementary in 1582, which was the first to gather
0:38:54 > 0:38:57"all the words which we use in our English tung, out of all
0:38:57 > 0:39:01professions, as well learned as not, into one dictionarie."
0:39:01 > 0:39:02But he didn't give definitions.
0:39:02 > 0:39:05He just listed all the words that he thought there existed.
0:39:07 > 0:39:11But Robert Cawdrey's Table Alphabeticall, of 1604,
0:39:11 > 0:39:13not only listed words, but gave definitions, so it was
0:39:13 > 0:39:17perhaps the first true dictionary, in the sense that we know it.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19It listed around 3,000 hard words,
0:39:19 > 0:39:21as he called them, defining each one.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23So then Johnson's dictionary had how many entries?
0:39:23 > 0:39:27At around the time there were about 250,000 or 300,000 words.
0:39:27 > 0:39:30- How many did he list?- 42.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32Oh, you were so close. 42,000.
0:39:32 > 0:39:33Thousand.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36That was really close. 42,773.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40But we've got some Johnson words that have gone out of use.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Maybe you can imagine what they mean.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44Tonguepad.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46- Mouth-friend?- Mouth-friend.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50Don't we all need a mouth-friend?
0:39:50 > 0:39:53Sometimes we certainly do need a tonguepad and a mouth-friend.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56KATY AND SUE: Sometimes I like a frigorifick.
0:39:56 > 0:39:57I hear you, girl!
0:39:57 > 0:39:59Frigorifick.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01Yeah. We've all been frigorifick in our time.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03A depucelate is...
0:40:03 > 0:40:04That's a coffee.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06I think it's single shot, isn't it?
0:40:06 > 0:40:08You can get those in, yeah, Starbucks.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10It's not "depu-kela-tay," it's depucelate.
0:40:10 > 0:40:13That's what you do before a big date, isn't it?
0:40:15 > 0:40:16If you're meeting a mouth-friend.
0:40:16 > 0:40:20You get a bit tonguepad. Slip of the old shapesmith.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24Is a shapesmith just a rubbish blacksmith?
0:40:24 > 0:40:27- No, a shapesmith is basically what we...- "I've done a thing."
0:40:27 > 0:40:28There you are.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34"You did a shape." "Yeah."
0:40:34 > 0:40:35It sort of looks like a doorknob.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37It's not a horseshoe,
0:40:37 > 0:40:39but it's sort of horse jewellery in some way.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41Like a horse clog.
0:40:41 > 0:40:42A horse nipple clamp.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45- They founded Camden Market and sold all that crap.- Yes.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48No, a shapesmith is actually what we would call a personal trainer,
0:40:48 > 0:40:51someone who gets you into shape and improves the shape of your body.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53Time for that word to come back.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56- Exactly.- "I'm going to see my shapesmith."- My shapesmith, yeah.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58"Personal trainer," hate that.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00A tonguepad is just a talker, someone who natters all the time.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03- A mouth-friend is...- Gossip?
0:41:03 > 0:41:05No, someone who is a friend to your face,
0:41:05 > 0:41:09- but is duplicitous behind your back. - Oh, God, I know a few of those.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12Yeah, a few mouth-friends, pretends to be your friend.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15To depucelate is to deflower, to bereave of virginity.
0:41:15 > 0:41:16It's not a bereavement!
0:41:16 > 0:41:20Let's not see it as that.
0:41:20 > 0:41:24Frigorifick sounds like something Del Boy might say, but what is frig...?
0:41:24 > 0:41:25Actually, I suppose...
0:41:25 > 0:41:29It's probably rather badly spelt. We should pronounce - yes, cold -
0:41:29 > 0:41:32we should pronounce it "frijorifick", probably.
0:41:32 > 0:41:33It just means causing cold,
0:41:33 > 0:41:35something that's frigorifick causes cold.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38Some of his definitions were just a little bit lazy.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41"Sock. Something put between the foot and the shoe."
0:41:43 > 0:41:45He must have thought, though,
0:41:45 > 0:41:47because you know, previous diction...
0:41:47 > 0:41:50the one before, you say had been just of hard words.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53He must have thought, "Everyone knows what a sock is!
0:41:53 > 0:41:55"If you've got this book
0:41:55 > 0:41:58"and you don't know what a sock is, then I can't help you."
0:42:00 > 0:42:03Exactly. Oats was a famous one.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06He said horrible things about the Scots in his one on oats, didn't he?
0:42:06 > 0:42:08He did. He said "a grain which in England
0:42:08 > 0:42:12"is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people."
0:42:15 > 0:42:17He describes "to worm" -
0:42:17 > 0:42:20"to deprive a dog of something, nobody knows what, under his tongue,
0:42:20 > 0:42:24"which is said to prevent him, nobody knows why, from running mad."
0:42:24 > 0:42:26- It's a very strange... - Wasn't a scientist, then.
0:42:26 > 0:42:28No, I think probably not.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30He was one of our greatest men of letters.
0:42:30 > 0:42:33Well, we've come to the amen, because it's time for the scores.
0:42:33 > 0:42:38It's all we've got time for. Let's see who's hit the jackpot.
0:42:38 > 0:42:41HE INHALES DEEPLY
0:42:41 > 0:42:44Well...
0:42:44 > 0:42:45He's died!
0:42:46 > 0:42:51I'm afraid it's Sue who's died in last place, with minus 12.
0:42:51 > 0:42:55APPLAUSE
0:42:56 > 0:43:00And really, it's a massive step up for Alan,
0:43:00 > 0:43:03on our third place, with minus seven.
0:43:03 > 0:43:06APPLAUSE
0:43:06 > 0:43:07Robbed.
0:43:07 > 0:43:11And having been depucelated, QI-wise,
0:43:11 > 0:43:16it's pretty impressive to break your virginity with minus three, Katy.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18APPLAUSE
0:43:22 > 0:43:25But our mouth-friend of the week, clear winner on plus five,
0:43:25 > 0:43:26is David Mitchell.
0:43:26 > 0:43:29APPLAUSE
0:43:34 > 0:43:36So, this is where we jack it all in
0:43:36 > 0:43:40and say that's all from Sue, David, Katy, Alan and me.
0:43:40 > 0:43:42Be excessively nice to each other. Good night.
0:44:00 > 0:44:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd