0:00:26 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:34Go-oo-oo-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40good evening and welcome to QI, for a show all about joints.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44And joining me are the shapely ankles of Cal Wilson.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:51The sharp elbows of Jack Whitehall.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58The cold shoulders of Jimmy Carr.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And hip, hip, hooray, it's Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:16But before we begin, let's hear your buzzers. And Jack goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:19# The finger bone connected to the hand bone. #
0:01:19 > 0:01:20And Jimmy goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:24# The hand bone connected to the wrist bone. #
0:01:24 > 0:01:26And Cal goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:29# The wrist bone connected to the arm bone. #
0:01:29 > 0:01:31And Alan goes...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33# The minute you walked in the joint. #
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Oh, and then you walked in the joint.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Joint, J for Joint.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39J for Joint, very good. Excellent. All right.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Well, now, Alan, we're going to make your life a little easier,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- we're going to lower the lights here. - I can go home?- Yeah...
0:01:44 > 0:01:48SLOW MUSIC PLAYS
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Right. Now, Alan...
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Oh, this is unfair. Alan gets a girl. I've got Jack!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Jack's a girl.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Steady, steady.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02I'm going to ask Alan a very specific question now.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Can you feel your sphincter relaxing?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:15 > 0:02:17It's a perfectly innocent question.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20I must say, I thought it was until you asked me.
0:02:22 > 0:02:29Well, what you might have said is, "Which sphincter?"
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Oh, of course. Oh.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Because you may not know this, but you have many sphincters.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Oh, I know a thing or two about sphincters.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Tell me about sphincters.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I once had... This may not be an appropriate story.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44I certainly hope not.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I once had a bladder complaint, this is not STI, it was just,
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I was getting up in the middle of the night to pee.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Why are you looking at me when you say that?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Because I thought you would understand.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58If you go to the doctor, sometimes they say, "We're going to put a camera in and explore,"
0:02:58 > 0:03:00and it was in my bladder, there was a bit of an issue.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04So they decided to get a camera and just pop it in my bladder.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06And obviously the easiest way to get in is to, is to...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Is through the schlong.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Is through the schlong.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11And I thought,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14I imagined the camera would be like the width of a human hair.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- It was like a pen.- Ow!
0:03:16 > 0:03:20- And they fed it in, and it was about ten years ago I had this... - What..?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35And it was about ten years ago,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38and it was a lovely nurse that was doing the procedure,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41and as she fed it, she went, "What do you do for a living?"
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Trying to start a conversation at this awkward moment.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45"What do you do for a living?" I went, "I'm a comedian."
0:03:45 > 0:03:47And she went, "Tell us a joke."
0:03:47 > 0:03:49And it is a matter of professional pride that I did.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Oh, well done.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54They offer you the DVD, though, at the end, if they've put a camera in you, you get the DVD.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- They do.- But for what eventuality? My dad got one...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58YouTube.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02..of the inside of his things, but, like, when is that appropriate? At Christmas?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04"Oh, let's not watch the Great Escape this year,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"let's watch your dad's stomach."
0:04:06 > 0:04:08The Great Escape is when they pull it out.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Ow!
0:04:10 > 0:04:14But then, the reason I mentioned that is because there are two sphincters on the way in.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17And the painful bit is when go, "We're just going to go through the sphincter,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19"you might feel a little tightening."
0:04:19 > 0:04:21"You might feel a little something." It's got a camera in it.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25I love the way it looks like you're playing snooker or something.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Just going to hit the camera into the...
0:04:27 > 0:04:32The point is, a sphincter is a ring of muscle that can contract
0:04:32 > 0:04:35and expand, and we'd lowered the lights so that your eye sphincters,
0:04:35 > 0:04:39your optic sphincters will have dilated your eyes, Alan.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42So your sphincters will have relaxed, we hope.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44All of my sphincters are clenched.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48There's no photographing my innards this evening.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51They can expand or contract, excite and delight.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55We have an endoscope here that you may... No, we don't, don't worry, it's all right. No, it's fine.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57You really were worried.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I did have a similar experience to Jimmy's in New Zealand.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04I was going for a lady's examination, and so lying there with
0:05:04 > 0:05:08this doctor doing the examination and she's just tinkering away.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12And then she goes, "Haven't I seen you on Thank God You're Here?"
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Which is a TV show back home.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17And I went, "Yes, but why are you recognising me now?"
0:05:17 > 0:05:21I went to get something looked at, which was a sort of rash
0:05:21 > 0:05:23near the top of my leg, so it was a slight worry.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26It turns out it was nothing, but I didn't know that at the time,
0:05:26 > 0:05:31and I went to have it examined and he did the thing where he recognised me, but thought I was George Lamb.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34He said, "Oh, you're that guy, George Lamb."
0:05:34 > 0:05:36And I was about to correct him, but I thought,
0:05:36 > 0:05:38"If that is an STI, I'd rather him thinking
0:05:38 > 0:05:41"that George Lamb had it than I did."
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Anyway, so, you've got, the other thing is,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49you even have within your capillary system, your blood system, each has
0:05:49 > 0:05:52a little sphincter, so the chances are we probably have thousands.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Nobody quite knows how many sphincters we have.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57We have thousands and thousands of them.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59So, now, what is this?
0:06:00 > 0:06:04- Snake.- Excuse me? - Is it a snake?- Oh dear!
0:06:06 > 0:06:11- What a shame.- Is it a legless lizard?- Yes, it's the right answer.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- It's a lizard. - How can you tell it's drunk?
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Because it keeps going, "I love you! You're great."
0:06:19 > 0:06:20"Come here."
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- "Don't go, have another one." - Yes, it is.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Snakes, you think of as looking like that
0:06:25 > 0:06:28but lizards can look like that too.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29They don't have to have legs.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32In fact, two thirds of that is tail.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Real snakes have got movable jaws.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37HE GRUMBLES
0:06:37 > 0:06:39And lizards don't.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Your thinking of dogs.
0:06:40 > 0:06:46That was uncanny, wasn't it? It was like a snake was in the room.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52For a moment there, I was, "Whoa!"
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Also the eyes are very different.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Snake eyes have this particular film over them.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Another difference, of course, I don't have a lizard in my trousers.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07- Ladies!- Dear, oh dear.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09In England, you get...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Adders, vipers and grass snakes.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16And there is another kind that I had in my garden in Norfolk not long ago,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18which is a slowworm.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Which is neither a worm nor a snake but again is a legless lizard.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26My brother had them, I think, when he came back from school once.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29He had them? Oh, you mean in his tummy?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- Yeah.- Seriously?!- Yeah, and we couldn't lick the loo seat.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Not that we were licking the loo seat before.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37He was accused of doing that at school
0:07:37 > 0:07:39and we had to get rid of them because he had the worms.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- But that looks a lot bigger.- They accused him of licking the loo seat?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45No, because that's how you get worms.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49- By licking the loo seat?!- Yes! You lick the loo seat.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I thought you said Lucy.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00- The loo seat.- That is definitely my first fact of the evening.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03There we are. Off to a flyer.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Like the loo seat and you will get worms of the belly.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09You will get more than worms, you will get universal contempt.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12That's far worse.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15You can get STIs from loo seats, interestingly, Stephen,
0:08:15 > 0:08:19but only if you sit down before the last guy has got up.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:28 > 0:08:31STI - is that Sexually Transmitted Information?
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Sexually Transmitted Information should be a thing, shouldn't it?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38It sounds like the late-night version of QI though, doesn't it?
0:08:38 > 0:08:43- The adult after-12 edition.- Yes, STI. - Provocative questions.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I like the sound of it.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50All right, now. Let's play Stick The Knees On The Elephants.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53You should have cards with elephants on,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56and you should have little red dots,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59and you have to stick your red dot on the knees of the elephant. Simple as that.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02It's a little fun art/craft thing that you can do.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I feel a little bit like we're in, we've under-performed
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- and we've been taken to a special class.- More or less right.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Where it's mainly arts and crafts and colouring-in
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- and you can't fail, we've all done very well.- That's right.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I'm just doing polka dots.
0:09:14 > 0:09:20Very sweet, but try and do it on the knees of the elephant if you can.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I think elephants have got a lot of knees.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24That's my, that's my... Because, otherwise,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26why would you have given us this many dots?
0:09:26 > 0:09:30It is a lot of dots. You don't have to use all the dots, I may say.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34This elephant's actually got the same thing that Jack used to have
0:09:34 > 0:09:35at the top of his thigh.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39- Turns out it was nothing, but it was a real worry.- Yes.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- I've marked his sphincter on there as well.- So have I!
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- Well done.- Oh, snap. - We've got matching sphincters.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48All right, so if you'd like to present and show?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Sorry. Sphincter, eyes, because it's nice to get to know them.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54And four knees.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Can you tilt the cards forward so they're not too shiny?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58They reflect on the camera.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01OK. I've gone, I've gone four knees on each.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Are you tilting it forward as asked? You're not, are you?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08I can't get taken down to a lower class than this, can I?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I'm already doing arts and crafts.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- Dear, oh dear, oh dear. - These are knees.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- Well, I mean...- I've gone knees on the front, none on the back.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Everyone except Alan has at least managed to put dots on the knees,
0:10:19 > 0:10:23which are at the back of the elephant, because the front two joints are elbows.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Oh.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27All mammals essentially...
0:10:27 > 0:10:32Whoa, whoa, you're going to have to back up there a little bit.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34He's got elbows on his leg...?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37On his front legs, yes. His front legs are essentially arms.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I mean, the bones in his front leg are the radius and the ulna,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41just like ours.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44They're essentially walking on their hands and on their hind legs.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46And we may think of elephants with four knees,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49they don't, they only have the two knees at the back.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53The two front ones are elbows. It seems unlikely, but it's true.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56That means my interesting fact that the elephant
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- is the only animal in the world that has four knees is complete rubbish. - Exactly.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02It's a common fact on the internet and it's a lie.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- Wow.- And any zoologist will tell you so.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I felt sorry for an elephant the other day.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I watched it and the new BBC show, Planet Earth Live.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- Oh, don't talk to me about that. - With Richard Hammond on it.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14He was stood in front of all these elephants
0:11:14 > 0:11:17in one of his tragic midlife-crisis necklaces
0:11:17 > 0:11:19and it definitely had ivory on it.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24It did! It had a little thing! That's probably one of his cousins. Get him!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26They put Richard Hammond out in the middle of the night
0:11:26 > 0:11:28with lots of lions around
0:11:28 > 0:11:32just hoping that he would be savaged live on television.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36I'm afraid it's minus ten to everybody except Alan. There you go.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38That's very good. So, well done, Alan.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40In fact, you got it right in the end.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43No, I didn't, I put two knees, I thought it only had two knees...
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Which it does.- But I put them on the front, where the elbows are. - Oh, you put them...did you?
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Oh, OK, well yes, you get the minus ten, sorry about that.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51We can have here... A man here.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55- How many legs does a sheep have, according to him?- Four.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- None.- If you go into a butcher, you can order a leg of lamb or two legs
0:12:03 > 0:12:06but if it was from just the one lamb, you could have...
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Two legs and two drumsticks.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- We have leg of lamb and we have... - Shoulder.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Shoulder. They call the front legs of the lamb the shoulders.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22And if it was a pig, what are the front legs of a pig called?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- Drumsticks.- No, they're not drumsticks- Sausages.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27No, they're not sausages either.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32No. Hands. It's a hand of pig if you go into a butcher.
0:12:32 > 0:12:37- The call them hands.- Hand of pig? - I've experienced hand of pig before.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- I'm sure you have.- I've apologised. Don't go on about it.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45- That's why you're on that side. - Exactly. It's a court order.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- By the way, how does an elephant drink?- With its trunk.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Oh, Alanny-wanny-woo.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56SIREN
0:12:56 > 0:13:00There's a sense in which, prepositionally, you were correct, because it does drink with...
0:13:00 > 0:13:01I don't understand that.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05You said with its trunk, you didn't say THROUGH its trunk.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06It doesn't drink through its trunk,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- but in a sense it does drink with its trunk.- It scoops it into its mouth.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Because it sucks it up and then blows it back into its mouth.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14They drink to forget, don't they?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20So they don't suck it up or they'd drown, it's their nose,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22like if we drank through our nose, we would be in real trouble.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27- You can do Tequila shots through your nose, can't you? - Oh, yes, you can.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- You can, yeah. I mean it's not, it's not a way to hydrate.- No.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35You know how sometimes if you were violently ill and you're sick
0:13:35 > 0:13:36and it comes out your mouth and your nose,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38could an elephant vomit out of its trunk?
0:13:38 > 0:13:43I wouldn't be surprised if it could. And I don't know if anybody's been cruel enough to experiment on making
0:13:43 > 0:13:47an elephant dependent on cocaine, because that would be, that would be
0:13:47 > 0:13:50a pretty extraordinarily expensive habit, wouldn't it, really?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I view that as the highest calling of the stand-up comedian.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55If you're doing a concert and you can time a joke
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- so that someone's taking a sip and it comes out of their nose. - Yeah, that is, isn't it?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02It's the best thing when they've ruined their evening.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Ah! Covered in snot and booze.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Imagine if you made an elephant laugh so much
0:14:05 > 0:14:07something came out of its trunk.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11And then it applauded. With its hands.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15The front of house staff at the Savoy Theatre, many years ago,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17when Noises Off, the Michael Frayn thing,
0:14:17 > 0:14:20told me that every single day there were wet seats,
0:14:20 > 0:14:21people wet themselves laughing.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- Isn't that because elderly people go to the cinema?- No.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I mean the theatre.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I did a gig in Reading, Reading Festival, and I was doing so well
0:14:28 > 0:14:32on stage actually someone in the audience wet himself,
0:14:32 > 0:14:36straight into a bottle and then threw it at me.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- That's how good I was doing. I was that funny. - Does that really happen?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- Hit me straight on the head. - Does that really happen?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Monsters of Rock at Donington, they do that, don't they?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Well, they throw stuff up onto the stage.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Yeah, full of urine. It didn't break though?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Well it's like when Bono was meant to play at Glastonbury
0:14:50 > 0:14:53and then he pulled out and I'd been literally saving up
0:14:53 > 0:14:55months' worth of piss to throw at him
0:14:55 > 0:14:58and I had to wait for the entire year.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- You poor thing!- Had about that much, like a vat.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03A water cannon.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Poor Bono, he does come in for it, doesn't he? Bless him. Anyway.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08He did his back in, that's why he couldn't do it though,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11which is fair enough because I imagine my back would be pretty sore
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- if I'd spent the last 20 years with my head up my own arse.- Whoa!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16APPLAUSE
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Oh, wow. Wowzeroony.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27So, yes. Yes, your skeleton is just like Jumbo's but, apart from that,
0:15:27 > 0:15:32what else do we have in common with elephants, uniquely with elephants?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- Tusks. Tusks.- We don't really have tusks though, to be honest.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- We do, big tusks.- Walruses and others animals do.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Oh, I'm thinking of walruses, sorry.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Is it after a certain age you get the horrible whiskers under your chin?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Oh, now, you just said, what's the last word you said?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- Chin. - That's it, it's as simple as that.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53Very oddly, the only mammals that have chins are humans and elephants.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56You may say, hang on, dogs have chins, no they don't.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57- Wow.- They don't have chins.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Look at that real chin bone, chin bone on the right,
0:16:00 > 0:16:04the right, the elephant, the left, the human. But no, obviously there's a big difference
0:16:04 > 0:16:06but they both have chins.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08The elephant one, the actual face structure looks a bit like
0:16:08 > 0:16:12one of those women on Made In Chelsea. It does!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Because they do, all those women on Made In Chelsea look like
0:16:14 > 0:16:17a horse that's swallowed an anvil and it's just sitting there.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20I was watching it on 3D TV the other day, and one of them started talking
0:16:20 > 0:16:23about her gap year and I was nearly knocked off my sofa.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29That PG Wodehouse thing about the sort of goofy upper class person
0:16:29 > 0:16:31who looked as if he'd swallowed a laundry basket.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33You know, that sort of thick neck, and huge Adams apple.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35And a constant look on their face
0:16:35 > 0:16:39like they've just forgotten their own name, like...
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Absolutely right.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44And the weird thing is, nobody quite knows why we have chins, as it were.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48We know that they're extremely useful for various things -
0:16:48 > 0:16:50speech and so on - but do we have a chin because we can speak,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53or do we speak because we have a chin?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- No-one knows why we've got a chin? - To grow beards on it.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59There are things we can do with it. I agree, we can stroke it.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I am currently peacocking, which is what I'm doing with this.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- Are you?- Yeah, this beard is peacocking. That's what I'm doing.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08In as much as it's an attractive display to attract women?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10To impress, yes, for ladies.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12So the ladies in here are currently impressed by this.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15I am peacocking with my beard. I know they may not be showing it.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Try and peacock less camply, if you're pursuing ladies.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20OK.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22It's just a suggestion, if it's the ladies you want to attract.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- "Yeah. Oi, babes, check this out." - That's better, there you go.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27"I call it the clunge sponge!"
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Whoa!- Too far?- Maybe. Maybe.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34- Split the difference. - Split the difference.- OK.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Oh, dear!
0:17:38 > 0:17:41The ancient Greeks used it for earache,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Columbus took 80 tonnes of it to America
0:17:44 > 0:17:47and Henry VIII made it compulsory.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- What am I talking about?- Hang on, what's the theme of the show?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- Joints.- Yes. - I'm going to guess marijuana.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Marijuana is the right answer. Hemp. Cannabis.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00So he took 80 tonnes to America? You're saying he is a trafficker?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03You're saying Columbus was a drug trafficker.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05He must've had a very big sphincter.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:09 > 0:18:11It was pretty enormous.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Got a joint in his hand there.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15As you probably know,
0:18:15 > 0:18:20cannabis plant is also used for the creation of hemp as ropes.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24He had tonnes of it just on his ship alone, of rope made from hemp.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Also, under King James, it was made compulsory for the colonials
0:18:28 > 0:18:31to grow it and use it because they mostly wore hemp clothing.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Hemp is used as an oil, a lubricant, all kinds of things.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36You can buy hemp oil now.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39By the middle of the 19th century, cannabis was recommended
0:18:39 > 0:18:42by the US Pharmacopeia for the following disorders - neuralgia,
0:18:42 > 0:18:47tetanus, typhus, cholera, rabies, dysentery, alcoholism, anthrax,
0:18:47 > 0:18:53leprosy, incontinence, snakebite, gout, tonsillitis and insanity.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- That seemed to be a list of pretty much everything there. - It did, didn't it?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59If you went into the chemist, they only had one thing.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01"What have you got?" "Well, I'll have a think."
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Well, there's a good word for that - panacea. The cure all, literally.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07They did more or less think it was a panacea, as they did many drugs.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11They did with heroin when it came out and cocaine.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13In defence of both of those, it will take the edge off.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18There are still people who believe it.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22They are very keen for the legalisation of medicinal marijuana.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25It seems weird that we haven't got medicinal marijuana
0:19:25 > 0:19:26but we have got medicinal heroin.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- Yes, isn't it?- That's an odd quirk.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32I suppose so except that there is no real painkiller available
0:19:32 > 0:19:36except the one that we get from the poppy
0:19:36 > 0:19:37which includes morphine and heroin.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40We just can't make a drug that does the same thing.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45- Mummy's hugs.- Mummy's hugs and kisses. You sweetheart!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- That's so lovely. - And if they don't work, heroin.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53You've got it spot on the money, Jack, absolutely.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56It is illegal to sell the seeds of cannabis in America
0:19:56 > 0:19:59except in one circumstance. Can you imagine what that might be?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Is it if you want to grow a beanstalk?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04No, it is for birdseed, funnily enough.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Birdseed can have cannabis seeds in it.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Anyway, there we are. So, what next? Oh, let's have another
0:20:09 > 0:20:11pin the something on the something round, shall we?
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Because we enjoyed that last time enormously, didn't we?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17So let's pin the knee on the bird.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Stick a little sticker on the bird's knee. That's all you have to do.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Well, it's never going to be where I think it's going to be.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24In the knee bit.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Oh.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Or it could be a double bluff.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Oh, not a double bluff.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Well, I'm going to put in an early pitch for there.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- I'm going to say it's got a knee in its neck.- Right.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40And that's how it bends its neck, and it's a little quirk of nature.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Oh, and Jack's put one on his...
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- You're not putting it on the knee, where the knee is!- But he bites it.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49No, because the bendy bit would be... Oh, no. That could be a little camp arm.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52But the wings are going to be the arms this time, aren't they?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55The wings are the arms, aren't they? The wings are the arms.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56The wings are the arms.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- The legs have got the knees in. - The legs have got the knees in, definitely.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04- Where they bend in the middle. - STEPHEN SPEAKS GOBBLEDYGOOK
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- I'm going knees, I'm going in. - Going in, he's going in, ladies and gentlemen.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I'm feeling a double bluff.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13You're covering the animal with red dots, Cal.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14No, I've just given it a perm.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16You're giving it a cock's comb.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20There we are, so you've.. Ah, dear. I'm afraid, Alan,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22you've fallen into our little trap.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23No shit.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Those are not the knees.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29People think birds' knees goes backwards, those are ankles.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Ah, you see.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- I thought there was going to be something like that.- Here, maybe?
0:21:33 > 0:21:37There. Now, Jack, points for Jack.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41You lose one for the bottom one, which is the... Forget that one, in fact.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Is this an unusual flamingo,
0:21:43 > 0:21:45in that it's got a duck coming out of its arse?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53It's pretty hard to deny.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Where are the duck's knees, for goodness sake?
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Ask the flamingo.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Yeah. Well, there are the knees, at the top.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04They're usually covered in feather. And the bottom bit is the ankle.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05I know it seems strange.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08So there's a chance, if you kicked a flamingo in the knees
0:22:08 > 0:22:10and the balls at the same time, that's some pain, isn't it?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- Whoa, yes.- Because they must be in the same sort of area.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17Yes. They don't really have testicles, though, do they?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I mean, they have little sexual parts.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Well, so as do I.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27It would be quite an unnerving sight,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29as flocks of flamingos flew overhead,
0:22:29 > 0:22:30if they did have dangling testicles.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Yeah, boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34It would be very worrying.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- So, have I got a point?- I think so, Jack, yeah. Yeah.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39There's an apple for you.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44Oh! Oh, I can't tell you how much that works.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49- That always works with me. Thank you.- There's more where that's from. - Bless you. Apple for me.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Starts with an apple, next thing you know, you're in some sort of therapy. Be careful.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Behave. What did Glaswegian women lose on their wedding night?
0:22:57 > 0:22:58A fight.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59A fight!
0:22:59 > 0:23:01A fight with a Glaswegian man.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03A long battle against alcoholism?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07It's, I mean not necessarily Glaswegian, but I mean...
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Oh, their chips.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12In the past, it was a very traditional thing on your wedding,
0:23:12 > 0:23:16to lose, almost as a dowry, and the men would be given it
0:23:16 > 0:23:19as a 21st birthday present, it would be the loss of their..?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Teeth.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Teeth is the right answer.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Have them all out in one go, have a few days of eating milk
0:23:25 > 0:23:26and bread and then have dentures put in.
0:23:26 > 0:23:31It was considered a good thing. It would save you all dentistry bills for the rest of your life.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32- My mother was offered this. - Was she?
0:23:32 > 0:23:35My mother got offered this when she was a young woman,
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I think she was about 18, she was nursing in Limerick, I think,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40and she went in to see her dentist about like a back tooth,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42and he tried to convince her to have all her teeth taken out.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45He just went, "Well, you've got, I mean, you've got quite
0:23:45 > 0:23:48"good teeth, but really, it's going to be expensive over the years.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49"You know what, we've got an offer on,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52"I will take all of these out and we can just put in dentures.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54"And dentures really are the future."
0:23:54 > 0:23:56It does seem a bit odd, it does seem that
0:23:56 > 0:23:58the woman getting her teeth out on her wedding night
0:23:58 > 0:24:01is more of a present for the husband, really, doesn't it?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03There are advantages, you might say, yes, absolutely, that there
0:24:03 > 0:24:06could be pleasurable outcomes.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13That was unfortunate!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Stop it and behave. So...
0:24:17 > 0:24:19You'd be very good on those sex chat lines.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25"Would you like a pleasurable outcome with your little sexual bits?"
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Let's return to the 19th century and think about false teeth.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- Now, what were false teeth made of in those days?- Wood.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36They were. Wood was used. Supposedly George Washington...
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- Abraham Lincoln had wooden false teeth.- Well, yes, he did.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40And he would fall asleep in Congress,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43or wherever they sit and they were sprung loaded, these things,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46so if you relax your jaw, the spring would fire them out of your mouth.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48That's absolutely right, they did.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51They did have springs, in France, in particular, they had
0:24:51 > 0:24:54holes in their gums with, so they would sort of hang the tooth on it.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58I was looking at my granny the other day and I had a really good idea, OK.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02This is what I'm going to pitch when I go on Dragons Den, is to create
0:25:02 > 0:25:05some dentures that clamp shut every time they sense racism coming out.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08It would be brilliant, wouldn't it?
0:25:08 > 0:25:13As soon as she starts... Doof! You'd get through a lot at Christmas.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15"I've got nothing against them personally, but..."
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I think the word, the word "but" would be the key, wouldn't it,
0:25:20 > 0:25:22the trigger word. "I'm not racist, but..."
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Yeah.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Teeth is the answer.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Well, yes, exactly.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28I think they used teeth.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30They did, but whose teeth could they use?
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Well, either... Did poor people sell their teeth?
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Yes, poor people did sell their teeth.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37And also I think dead people.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- But a particular kind of dead person. You were not allowed to rob a grave.- Are we not?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- Not a grave, no. So there are other places...- Oh!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46I know, it's disappointing.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48I'm in a lot of trouble.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53There are other places where you might find too many dead bodies,
0:25:53 > 0:25:56of healthy young men, usually, who might have good teeth.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- Oh, battlefields.- Battlefields is the right answer.- How depressing.
0:25:59 > 0:26:04What became known as Waterloo teeth. It became almost your patriotic duty,
0:26:04 > 0:26:07if you lost a tooth, to fit in that of a dead soldier from Waterloo.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10There were these scavengers who went around the battlefields
0:26:10 > 0:26:12pulling out the teeth of the dead bodies
0:26:12 > 0:26:15and sending them back in barrels, and people would buy them
0:26:15 > 0:26:19and fit them into the holes where their teeth were, and use them.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Barrels? How many people died?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- Well, thousands died in the Battle of Waterloo.- Barrels, wow!
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Yes, yeah, and each head had 32 teeth in it.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30And the dead horses, their teeth were sent to the people from the Only Way Is Essex.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Absolutely right. Spot on. Spot on.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39But right up until the American Civil War and past the 1860s,
0:26:39 > 0:26:42they were called Waterloo teeth, even though, of course, that was,
0:26:42 > 0:26:45the Battle of Waterloo was in 1815, so it was, you know, 45 years later.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49There's a tourist attraction in Victoria in Australia
0:26:49 > 0:26:52called Casper's World In Miniature. It's all a bit bonkers.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Then you get to the end of it, you walk into this room
0:26:55 > 0:26:58and suddenly you're in this room full of sculptures made out of human teeth.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Oh, my goodness!- Crazy things like a tooth fairy made out of human teeth
0:27:01 > 0:27:06and a hamburger made of human teeth and a castle made out of human teeth!
0:27:06 > 0:27:07The horrible thing is, because it's food,
0:27:07 > 0:27:10you're looking at a hamburger and you wonder what it would taste like,
0:27:10 > 0:27:13and you think about teeth on teeth. It's very grotesque.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- And this is in Victoria? - In Victoria in Australia.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19And then, we went through this exhibition, all quite disturbed,
0:27:19 > 0:27:21and we walked out through the gift shop
0:27:21 > 0:27:23and there was an elderly man sitting there eating mashed banana
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- because he had no teeth!- Oh, my God!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29I always find whenever I'm in Melbourne,
0:27:29 > 0:27:31I can't get the image out of my head when they say,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34"There's a terrible crime," or something like that,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36"Victorian Police were soon on the scene,"
0:27:36 > 0:27:39and I picture truncheons, moutaches, "How now, then!"
0:27:39 > 0:27:40You just can't help...
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Victorian police just means something very particular.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Absolutely.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48There's a story you may have come across in the newspapers
0:27:48 > 0:27:51not that long ago about a Polish dentist.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Does that ring a bell? A female Polish dentist?
0:27:54 > 0:27:55She got revenge on someone by...
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Her lover left her.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59And she took out all his teeth.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Her lover left her and then went to see her when he had,
0:28:01 > 0:28:04stupid idiot, went to see her when he had toothache,
0:28:04 > 0:28:06and she took all his teeth out.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Apparently, it was in all the newspapers, but it's bollocks.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Can you imagine, something in British newspapers that isn't true?!
0:28:12 > 0:28:14- She took his bollocks out? - No, no.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17What she should have done is taken all the teeth out
0:28:17 > 0:28:20and then made a little hole in his scrotum and put them all in there.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Just loose and then sewn it up again.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Yes, that is a much better idea.
0:28:27 > 0:28:32I think we can all agree she missed a great opportunity.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35He just would have had a bag of teeth hanging around there.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36Oh!
0:28:36 > 0:28:39But you can have a look at this little device. What do you think that might be?
0:28:39 > 0:28:42I think it's a piece of dental equipment, Stephen.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44It's certainly a piece of dental equipment.
0:28:44 > 0:28:45I pieced that together myself.
0:28:45 > 0:28:46I need that more specifically.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49I bet it's a tongue clamp or something grotesque.
0:28:49 > 0:28:50No, it's not a tongue clamp.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Oh, is it for snipping open the scrotum to put the teeth in?
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Behave yourself, behave yourself!
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Well, presumably to yank something out.
0:28:57 > 0:28:58It looks like a yanky out thing.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00It's not a yanky out thing.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Well, it kind of crosses over and it's got those sort
0:29:02 > 0:29:05of cutting things, is it for making, turning the upper lip into a fringe?
0:29:05 > 0:29:09I think it looks like you might jam it in somewhere, open it up
0:29:09 > 0:29:11and then you could put the tooth in.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14Ow! No, it's not that. It's called the masticator.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16It's for people who had no teeth, you first chopped your food
0:29:16 > 0:29:18up a little and then you really mash it up.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21And so it's ready, you don't need your teeth to chew.
0:29:21 > 0:29:26It basically just gets your food into a soft pulp.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28That's it, exactly.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32There was a very common belief in the...
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Ow! You see.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37A load of teeth have fallen out!
0:29:37 > 0:29:41It's a valuable exhibit in the British Dental Museum and we're very grateful. Be careful with it.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44- It's a rusty old tool. - You could use it on your apple.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47- I could, couldn't I?- Remember? - On my lovely apple.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49I might do that.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52You're being very flirty, Jack. I quite like it.
0:29:52 > 0:29:53So, anyway...
0:29:53 > 0:29:56APPLAUSE
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Yeah, that's...
0:30:00 > 0:30:01My sphincter just tightened.
0:30:03 > 0:30:04So...
0:30:04 > 0:30:08Not for the first time this evening, I shouldn't wonder.
0:30:08 > 0:30:09That's your masticator and...
0:30:09 > 0:30:11It's not your sphincter, it's your masticator.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17So, who's got noisy knees and a urine-soaked hairbrush?
0:30:17 > 0:30:18Oh, who hasn't?!
0:30:19 > 0:30:23A creaking knees is something that just happens to you.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25It sounds like a parent complaint.
0:30:25 > 0:30:29You know, your knees go and the kid's peed on your hairbrush!
0:30:29 > 0:30:32That would indeed happen, but this is a very particular species.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35My grandmother? We're returning to her.
0:30:35 > 0:30:39Your grandmother's not coming well out of this programme, is she?
0:30:39 > 0:30:41Racist, pissy gran!
0:30:42 > 0:30:45- Is it a bushbaby? - No, it's not. It is a mammal.
0:30:45 > 0:30:49It's an ungulate, you'll find it in Africa in the Savannah.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53- What kind of ungulates do we find in the Savannah?- Richard Hammond.
0:30:56 > 0:30:59- Klipspringers. Things like that. - Yeah. Antelopes.
0:30:59 > 0:31:04It's a kind of antelope called an eland, which you may have heard of.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07- There it is. Fine specimen. - I can't see it's hairbrush.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10It's hairbrush is the tufty little bit up the top,
0:31:10 > 0:31:13and the bigger and the maler they are, the bigger their hairbrush.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15There it is. And they soak it in their own urine
0:31:15 > 0:31:18in order to face off other males for the right to mate
0:31:18 > 0:31:21and pass on their genes.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23And what you were talking about was your display.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26I sometimes soak this is urine. I don't want any trouble.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30That's its hairbrush, anyway.
0:31:30 > 0:31:34And it soaks it in urine, and this apparently is a big, butch thing to do if you're an eland.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36But the other thing is it snaps its tendons over its legs
0:31:36 > 0:31:39like a guitar string, which makes a really very loud noise,
0:31:39 > 0:31:42and the thicker and the bigger the muscles of its leg,
0:31:42 > 0:31:46the louder the noise, and hence the more chance it has of mating.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50A lot of animals do make noises to attract mates in different ways.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52I don't know any humans that get mates by...
0:31:52 > 0:31:54When you get to a certain age, you get out of a chair
0:31:54 > 0:31:57and something makes a noise, you go, "Was that me?"
0:31:57 > 0:32:00Something creaks. A weird snap.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02Or if you squat and go for a low shelf in the library,
0:32:02 > 0:32:06as you stand up, there's a sound of crunching gravel as your knees...
0:32:06 > 0:32:09I don't know at what age you start going, "Oohhh!"
0:32:09 > 0:32:12when you sit into or get out of a chair.
0:32:12 > 0:32:13Yes, it was a Billy Connolly point, wasn't it,
0:32:13 > 0:32:15when you shout to pick something up - "Aaah!"
0:32:17 > 0:32:18So true.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21I had my son when I was 38, and so he's three now,
0:32:21 > 0:32:25but he's grown up so that when he bends down to pick things up, he goes, "Uurghh!"
0:32:25 > 0:32:28- Cos that's what Mummy does! - That's perfect!
0:32:28 > 0:32:30THEY BOTH GROAN
0:32:30 > 0:32:33My little girl, if you carry her up the stairs, she goes,
0:32:33 > 0:32:37"Oh, so many stairs!"
0:32:38 > 0:32:44- If you carry her!- She's copying me. They were virtually her first words.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47I'm only 23 and I got depressed so much the other day
0:32:47 > 0:32:52cos I turned down sexual intercourse with my girlfriend and the reason that I gave was cos I had heartburn.
0:32:52 > 0:32:5423! That shouldn't be happening.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57She said, "I'll give you anything you want."
0:32:57 > 0:32:59I was like, "Some Rennie, some Rennie, quick!"
0:32:59 > 0:33:01You need PPI, proton pump inhibitors.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04Oh, I offered her one of them as well!
0:33:07 > 0:33:10Well, really, that is sad news, a 23-year-old, you really shouldn't
0:33:10 > 0:33:13be using that as an excuse not to have sex, to be perfectly honest.
0:33:13 > 0:33:17That's not good enough. No. I can recommend a diet for you.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20Come and see me.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24- Anyway...- I knew this would happen.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27- It involves nuts.- Stop it.
0:33:29 > 0:33:33There is a new meaning to "We shall march on Whitehall."
0:33:40 > 0:33:42- Who wrote The Cat In The Hat? - Dr Seuss.
0:33:42 > 0:33:46SIREN
0:33:46 > 0:33:52- I'm afraid, not Dr "Syooce", but Dr "Zoyce".- Zoyce.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55He's spelt S-E-U-S-S, a Germanic name.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58His real name was Theodor Seuss Geisel.
0:33:58 > 0:34:03But there was a Dr "Syooce", and he did really propose something,
0:34:03 > 0:34:05which is still held to be true today,
0:34:05 > 0:34:07and I wonder if you might guess what that is.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09- A scientific thing? - It is a very scientific thing, yes.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12It doesn't look like he enjoyed it, though, does he?
0:34:12 > 0:34:14Well, like a lot of Victorians, he does look a bit sombre
0:34:14 > 0:34:16and solemn, shall we say.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18Jack, Jack, it's a proper beard.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23Physics? Chemistry? hats?
0:34:23 > 0:34:26One that transformed the way we looked at the world, literally.
0:34:26 > 0:34:27Glasses.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34- I was trying to stress not "looked" but "world".- Geology.- Yeah.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37He discovered by looking at rock formations and fossils,
0:34:37 > 0:34:40there were so many strange things in common with the way
0:34:40 > 0:34:42the different continents fit together.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Was he the guy that did continental drift?
0:34:44 > 0:34:46Not so much continental drift,
0:34:46 > 0:34:50but he had this idea that there was once one big super continent.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53- Gondwanaland.- Which he called Gondwanaland, exactly.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55He was the man who named it, and as you know,
0:34:55 > 0:34:58New Zealand was one of the islands that spun off from it.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00India, Africa, and you can see
0:35:00 > 0:35:04where South America and Africa fit together like jigsaw puzzles.
0:35:04 > 0:35:05That photo was taken earlier?
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Quite a lot earlier, yes, millions of years earlier.
0:35:07 > 0:35:11And that's what Dr Suess did, and he was pronounced Dr "Syooce",
0:35:11 > 0:35:14as opposed to Theodor "Zoyce" Geisel,
0:35:14 > 0:35:17who created The Cat In The Hat and Sam I Am and other such things.
0:35:17 > 0:35:21His first children's manuscript story was rejected 27 times
0:35:21 > 0:35:24because he was told it had no moral. There he is,
0:35:24 > 0:35:26with his most famous creation, I suppose.
0:35:26 > 0:35:31And he tried different surnames. He tried, for example, Rosetta Stone.
0:35:31 > 0:35:32Quite a good idea.
0:35:32 > 0:35:36And Theo Lesieg, "Lesieg" being "Geisel" backwards.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38But in the end, Dr "Zoyce" was the one that caught on.
0:35:38 > 0:35:42So anyway, Dr Edward "Syooce" is the man who first came up with
0:35:42 > 0:35:46the idea of the supercontinent Gondwanaland.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49So, what kind of glass does the Pope-mobile have in its windows?
0:35:49 > 0:35:53Oh, probably, has he got the slidey kind so he can sell ice creams?
0:35:53 > 0:35:55I imagine it plays the ice cream van music,
0:35:55 > 0:35:58I'm not casting aspersions on the Catholic Church, but...
0:35:58 > 0:35:59Now, be very careful.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02- Stained glass.- Stained glass, that's a very good point.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05- It's tinted.- How lovely would that be?- Tinted.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08Is it tinted so like when they're all waving, everyone thinks that
0:36:08 > 0:36:12he's in there doing that, but actually he's cracking open some tinnies, flicking the v's at people.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15What else would you say about the glass?
0:36:15 > 0:36:19You want us to say bulletproof, don't you, that's a thing, isn't it?
0:36:19 > 0:36:21- I wouldn't, would I, want you to say what?- Bulletproof.- Oh!
0:36:21 > 0:36:24SIREN
0:36:24 > 0:36:27I'm afraid we're being very technical with you, there is
0:36:27 > 0:36:30no such thing as bulletproof glass, by any manufacturer.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33- That's cost me a fortune in my house!- It's bullet-resistant glass.
0:36:33 > 0:36:38They don't claim it to be bulletproof. Four inches thick will do, it's layered with vinyl
0:36:38 > 0:36:41and things in between to absorb the shock of the bullet.
0:36:41 > 0:36:45But there's a really clever, which is one-way bullet-resistant glass,
0:36:45 > 0:36:49where you shoot into it and the bullet does that,
0:36:49 > 0:36:52but you can shoot out from the other side and it goes through.
0:36:52 > 0:36:53If that gets fitted incorrectly...
0:36:53 > 0:36:56- So the Pope could fire back. - You've got one shot.
0:36:56 > 0:36:57I can't see how that could be possible.
0:36:57 > 0:37:01It's because of the lamination. I can describe it to you if you wish.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04It's because of the order in which the layers are assembled.
0:37:04 > 0:37:08The shock absorber layer is on the inside, with the glass on the outside, was the reason.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10That would be great if you could be shot by the Pope.
0:37:10 > 0:37:11How exciting would that be?
0:37:11 > 0:37:16He'd shoot you, "Yeah, you're going to hell, I've had a word."
0:37:17 > 0:37:19He'd definitely do the sideways thing, wouldn't he?
0:37:19 > 0:37:24Just as a matter of interest, how many Popes does the Vatican have per square kilometre?
0:37:24 > 0:37:26- How many Popes?- Yeah.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28Like, buried or in storage?
0:37:28 > 0:37:30No, actually live, living Popes?
0:37:30 > 0:37:32- One.- No.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35There's actually 2.27 recurring, because Vatican City is only
0:37:35 > 0:37:410.44 of a kilometre, so the average would be, per square kilometre...
0:37:41 > 0:37:45Well, I think we have it, ladies and gentlemen - the most annoying question ever asked.
0:37:47 > 0:37:48I think we've done it!
0:37:48 > 0:37:51I understand your point of view, you're quite right.
0:37:51 > 0:37:55- Well, we weren't going to get it, were we?- No, you weren't.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58So, anyway, how would you improve this plane here?
0:37:58 > 0:38:01- How would you make it a bit safer? - Well, now... It's incomplete.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04Well, I'm no aeronautical engineer, but I can see a flaw.
0:38:04 > 0:38:05Yeah.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08- Ryanair just get worse and worse, don't they?- They do, don't they?
0:38:08 > 0:38:12O'Leary would charge you for the extra air conditioning.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15Is it so you get a cheaper ticket if you bring your own fuselage?
0:38:15 > 0:38:19When Michael O'Leary dies, they should put him in his coffin
0:38:19 > 0:38:23and then build a grave that is slightly too small for the coffin to fit into,
0:38:23 > 0:38:28- so it's just like that baggage thing that you have to try and put the baggage in.- Yes!
0:38:28 > 0:38:30His family will be trying to shove him in, and when they can't,
0:38:30 > 0:38:34- "Sorry, we'll have to charge you extra." - Oh, there would be much cheering.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37No. This was a rather cunning insight that when airplanes returned
0:38:37 > 0:38:40you know, battered and hurt like that, that one there,
0:38:40 > 0:38:43as you can see, has been pretty badly hurt,
0:38:43 > 0:38:46but it came back and the crew survived.
0:38:46 > 0:38:51But the ones that didn't come back were hit elsewhere.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54If you're hit there, you can clearly survive.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56So spend the money on extra armouring
0:38:56 > 0:38:59on the bits where it wasn't hit.
0:38:59 > 0:39:00And that's where its knees are.
0:39:02 > 0:39:06And there are the fine, four Merlin engines.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08It's good, isn't it? It's a clever insight.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10It is quite cunning. So there you are.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13But now we're going to close, very excitingly, with a jolly jape,
0:39:13 > 0:39:15which I like to do from time to time,
0:39:15 > 0:39:18which is to bring out a really extraordinary mechanism, a device.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21It's called the Strandbeest.
0:39:21 > 0:39:25And if you know Dutch, you'll know that means...
0:39:25 > 0:39:29- Er, Strandbeest.- Yeah.- It means "sexy good times, Def Leppard".
0:39:29 > 0:39:33That's all the Dutch I know.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36Strand is like English word strand, beach.
0:39:36 > 0:39:39And beest, as in hartebeest or wildebeest,
0:39:39 > 0:39:41is beast, basically. So it...
0:39:41 > 0:39:44- A sand beast.- A sand beast.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46So is this like a waiter that's done loads of tourists?
0:39:46 > 0:39:50There's a man called Theo Jansen who's an extraordinary artist inventor,
0:39:50 > 0:39:54- who has created this remarkable machine. Do you know about it? - It walks along.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56It walks on the sand without any electronics
0:39:56 > 0:39:59or anything else like that, just powered by the wind.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01I mean, it's extraordinary. Come of the things it can do -
0:40:01 > 0:40:03No metallic or electronic parts, remember that.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05It can detect the tide coming in, walk away from the water,
0:40:05 > 0:40:09anchor itself by hammering a pin into the ground,
0:40:09 > 0:40:11that's what it looks like, if the wind is too strong.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14It can even store up air in bottles when the wind is blowing
0:40:14 > 0:40:16and release it to keep itself moving when the wind drops.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18Lots of clips on YouTube,
0:40:18 > 0:40:21but you have to go to Holland to see them live on the beach.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23But through the magic of the next big thing in tech,
0:40:23 > 0:40:27which is 3D printing, where you can print an object out.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30This is a 3D printed object, it's entirely 3D printed.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33It needed no extra thing except the propeller on the end.
0:40:33 > 0:40:34Wow.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36And this is a version of the sea beast.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38And instead of blowing,
0:40:38 > 0:40:41I'm going to use a little sort of electric fan, like so.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43There we go.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45Whoa, whoa! Sand beast!
0:40:47 > 0:40:49Isn't that cool?
0:40:49 > 0:40:50That's great.
0:40:50 > 0:40:51And that was printed out?
0:40:51 > 0:40:53But isn't that an amazing object?
0:40:54 > 0:40:56Oh, it looks really spooky.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59I can't believe you got that from a 3D printer.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01- I know.- I feel like this is going to be bluff,
0:41:01 > 0:41:04- that can't be a real thing. - I promise you it's true.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06So how does it work? Is it a block of resin?
0:41:06 > 0:41:09It's basically lasers fusing powdered plastic together.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11Even though they consist of at least
0:41:11 > 0:41:1376 separate moving interlocking parts,
0:41:13 > 0:41:16they emerge from the printer ready to operate without the need for
0:41:16 > 0:41:20further assembly, with the exception of the addition of the propeller.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22- No way.- That's absolutely right.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24- That is the future. - Isn't it amazing?
0:41:24 > 0:41:26You want to make sure you hit the right number of copies.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28- Yeah.- Don't you, when... Oh, 12, oh..
0:41:28 > 0:41:3012, it does take rather a long time.
0:41:30 > 0:41:33My house is full of sand beasts. Argh! There are sand beasts!
0:41:33 > 0:41:36But they are becoming commercially available.
0:41:36 > 0:41:40Now you can get a consumer 3D printer for about £1,600.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43Although it's available on the QI website for £12.99.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45I'm blown away by that, it's amazing.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48I think we should, let's hear it for this amazing machine.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50APPLAUSE
0:41:50 > 0:41:51Brilliant.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53Really impressive. How lovely.
0:41:53 > 0:41:57Well, that brings us to the end of tonight's questions,
0:41:57 > 0:42:00so please do join me now for the scoreboard.
0:42:00 > 0:42:05We have a clear winner. With minus five points, it's Cal Wilson.
0:42:05 > 0:42:08APPLAUSE
0:42:14 > 0:42:17And a highly creditable blue and dewy-eyed second, with minus 24 is Jack Whitehall.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19APPLAUSE
0:42:25 > 0:42:29It's crowded at the bottom. That's a very unfortunate phrase.
0:42:29 > 0:42:34With minus 45, in third place, Jimmy Carr.
0:42:34 > 0:42:38- Minus 45? - APPLAUSE
0:42:38 > 0:42:44But, six of the best behind, on minus 51, Alan Davies!
0:42:44 > 0:42:47APPLAUSE
0:42:53 > 0:42:57Thank you all very much indeed for watching. That's all from Jack, Jimmy, Cal, Alan and me.
0:42:57 > 0:43:01Spend the rest of your lives being extremely good to each other. Goodnight.
0:43:18 > 0:43:22Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd