0:00:24 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Well, goooooood...
0:00:34 > 0:00:37evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40And to a greater or lesser extent, good evening, and welcome to QI,
0:00:40 > 0:00:46where tonight we'll be delving into the seedy world of journalism.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Before we start sexing up the facts,
0:00:49 > 0:00:51let's look at who's going to be on my press-gang.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Hold the front page, it's Shappi Khorsandi!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Drop the dead donkey, it's Ross Noble.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Another world exclusive Johnny Vegas!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:16And, personally responsible for eating Freddie Starr's hamster,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Alan Davies.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Now, before we press on, let's hear their buzzers.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Shappi goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:33NEWS AT TEN THEME
0:01:33 > 0:01:35That's newsy. Ross goes...
0:01:35 > 0:01:38BOMBASTIC NEWS INTRO
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Quite newsy, too. Johnny goes...
0:01:40 > 0:01:43DRAMATIC NEWS DRUMS
0:01:43 > 0:01:45And Alan goes...
0:01:45 > 0:01:47IT'S A KNOCKOUT THEME
0:01:47 > 0:01:49LAUGHTER
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Very pleasing.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53That's great! So you've actually given...?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55It's A Knockout, yeah.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57You've given us the It's A Knockout theme?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01So at any point we can play that and just wrestle around in that.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER
0:02:02 > 0:02:05I could go "HA-HA-HA-HA!"
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Then every time I press mine, something terrible will happen.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Yes, well, yes...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I can't press my buzzer at all, in case there's a tsunami.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15A volcano has killed the population of Sunderland.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Anyway, let's start.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20What kind of person lived here?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24NEWS AT TEN THEME
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Yes, already the tragic tones.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32- Initially, you think a very angry person that's quite small.- Yes.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Small-minded, or just small?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41It did genuinely exist, this Daily Mail model village.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45This was after the First World War, when housing was in short supply
0:02:45 > 0:02:47and we were trying to build a land fit for heroes...
0:02:47 > 0:02:50And it was made entirely of Daily Mail papier mache, was it?
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Well, the Daily Mail was never shy about trying to draw
0:02:55 > 0:02:59attention to itself with publicity stunts of all kinds -
0:02:59 > 0:03:02athletic stunts, firsts in aviation, and so on.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06It was the Daily Mail that sponsored Amy Johnson to fly to Australia, for example.
0:03:06 > 0:03:12And they decided that they would lead the world, because this was the way they ran in those days,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15and they thought they would contribute to a model village.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I can see that, like if they go, "Let's have an air race,
0:03:18 > 0:03:22"let's try and cross the Atlantic," they're all quite...
0:03:22 > 0:03:23BOMBASTIC NEWS INTRO
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- ..like that. But then, model village...- But then...
0:03:26 > 0:03:29IT'S A KNOCKOUT THEME
0:03:29 > 0:03:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:34 > 0:03:38You know, it's the sort of thing where, like, Richard Branson said,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"I'm going to send a rocket to the moon and I'm going to take people,"
0:03:41 > 0:03:43and they go, "Wow, Branson's amazing!"
0:03:43 > 0:03:46And when we get here, I'm going to build a model village!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Well, I suppose you have to go back to after 1919,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51all those people wiped out by Spanish flu, before that
0:03:51 > 0:03:53all the people wiped out by the First World War,
0:03:53 > 0:03:57and the Daily Mail thought we needed a new, modern Britain
0:03:57 > 0:04:00with new, modern cities, and so they devised this village
0:04:00 > 0:04:02which they thought was going to be absolutely marvellous.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05But the plans were a little overambitious,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07and they were overtaken by the...
0:04:07 > 0:04:09SHAPPI: Guardian village.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11LAUGHTER
0:04:11 > 0:04:14The company who owned the land around
0:04:14 > 0:04:17and who named this new town Welwyn Garden City.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18- Oooh.- Ah.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22There it was, the Daily Mail model village at Welwyn Garden City, 1922.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26It's a good job it wasn't the Sunday Sport model village,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28because it would be the "Well-In Garden City!"
0:04:28 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Phwoarr!
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Check out the fronts of those houses!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36LAUGHTER
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Total frontage!
0:04:37 > 0:04:40And there is always the back alley, too!
0:04:40 > 0:04:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Oh, dear. Er...
0:04:47 > 0:04:51- That is a rubbish model village, it's clearly full-size...- Yeah.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56Did the Daily Mail believe in giants, and there was a readership that they were missing out on?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59So they built a model village that was normal size,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01so giants would visit and go,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03"Oh, it's tiny!
0:05:03 > 0:05:07"Oh, look at the attention to detail!"
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Don't forget "model" has two meanings -
0:05:09 > 0:05:13there's "model" in the sense of a paragon, a model of its kind.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- That's what they meant by it. - It's got three meanings, hasn't it?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Because "model village" everyone just walks around like that.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER
0:05:20 > 0:05:23The high street is called "The Catwalk", yeah.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- Everyone's just in their pants. - That's true!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I have to say, I weep when I think of my childhood
0:05:30 > 0:05:33and the amount of time we spent around a model village...
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- Oh, Bekonscot? - ..and what kids have today.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- Yeah.- They've got so much, and my mum and dad were going,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40"Look at that, it's Big Ben but this big,"
0:05:40 > 0:05:42and we'd go, "Wow."
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- JOHNNY:- Your dad didn't drink.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48My dad would go to a model village, drink and go, "I'm King Kong!"
0:05:48 > 0:05:49LAUGHTER
0:05:49 > 0:05:52And just start smashing stuff!
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Oh, how we'd laugh!
0:05:53 > 0:05:57You know why I can't go to model villages?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Cos when you walk around, because of the painted faces,
0:05:59 > 0:06:03they all look like people who've been trapped by witchcraft.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- They do, don't they? - "Help, get me out of here!
0:06:06 > 0:06:09"I'm not really queuing for a newspaper."
0:06:09 > 0:06:12And I come home, shrouded in guilt, and drink.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13LAUGHTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:17I don't know enough about the dark arts to make them all fully-sized.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19If only you could save them.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23The fact is the Daily Mail's model village didn't work.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26They were bought up by the Welwyn Garden City Company, who eventually
0:06:26 > 0:06:30built 41 houses on the six acres and renamed it Meadow Green.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33So it was no longer Daily Mail Village.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Tell me about the Daily Mail, who founded the Daily Mail?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- Lord Beaverbrook.- SHAPPI: Satan.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Not Lord Beaverbrook, that's The Express - Satan is closer.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43LAUGHTER
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Was it just a load of beavers in a brook?
0:06:45 > 0:06:49No, it's a family that still exists and still controls the group.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Is it the Patak family?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- LAUGHING:- No, it's not the Pataks.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55That would be great!
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- That would be pleasing. - If we found out the spice dynasty...
0:06:58 > 0:07:02It was founded in 1896 by Alfred Harmsworth,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04who later became Lord Northcliffe.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08So, Alfred Harmsworth was a great showman
0:07:08 > 0:07:11and he had a brilliant gift for making Daily Mail readers
0:07:11 > 0:07:15think they kind of owned The Mail, so he was always having competitions
0:07:15 > 0:07:18asking them how The Mail could be improved, for example.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20There were people who wrote in and said
0:07:20 > 0:07:24"You should perforate your articles so we could tear them out, like stamps,"
0:07:24 > 0:07:26which is an interesting idea.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Are you sure that wasn't for toilet paper?
0:07:28 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Someone else suggested each page should be perfumed differently, so it smelt different.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37What if you confused the chip paper with the toilet paper?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Madness would ensue.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41But before he was a press baron,
0:07:41 > 0:07:43he actually wrote a rather QI-style book,
0:07:43 > 0:07:44which had the marvellous title of
0:07:44 > 0:07:49"Answers To Correspondents On Every Subject Under The Sun."
0:07:49 > 0:07:52The first edition contained articles with headlines,
0:07:52 > 0:07:56"What The Queen Eats", "How To Cure Freckles",
0:07:56 > 0:07:59and "Why Jews Don't Ride Bicycles."
0:07:59 > 0:08:01LAUGHTER
0:08:01 > 0:08:04And those three answers covered everything?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- That wasn't the sum of the questions.- Oh, right.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11But part of the showman in him was that he guaranteed that,
0:08:11 > 0:08:17if you died with a copy of that book on you, your estate would get £200.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22If you come from a family like mine where they tend to drown themselves,
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- that's the preferred suicide... - Right...
0:08:27 > 0:08:31..without scuba gear, how are you going to get down there to plant the book?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34LAUGHTER
0:08:34 > 0:08:37I love the fact that he said "That's the PREFERRED method"!
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Like they've gone... "Oh, I've got to do the old suicide, but..."
0:08:41 > 0:08:45- Well there's been a couple of sloppy ones.- Has there?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Yeah, coating themselves in dog food, going to the zoo...
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Good God!
0:08:50 > 0:08:56The ones who've really thought it through. It's not just been a last-minute...
0:08:56 > 0:08:58"Lions!"
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Shouldn't it be cat food? For the lions.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04You walk into the lions' enclosure covered in dog food...
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Ross, they haven't thought it through!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Or else they would drown themselves.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13In Japan... Sorry.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16What they've introduced on the underground, because of
0:09:16 > 0:09:21the delays of people killing themselves is the family get billed,
0:09:21 > 0:09:26and the further out of the city that you kill yourself by jumping on
0:09:26 > 0:09:28their version of the Underground,
0:09:28 > 0:09:29the less money you have to pay,
0:09:29 > 0:09:33so everybody's been going right out to like High Barnet and places like that...
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Honestly! To top themselves, because they don't want to leave the expense for the family.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- "At least he had the taste to kill himself at Cockfosters"!- Yeah.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- Have you got any happy stories?! - No...
0:09:44 > 0:09:48If you go to Clifton Suspension Bridge, there's a sign as you get to the bridge
0:09:48 > 0:09:52with the phone number of the Samaritans.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- Yeah.- Just in case anyone's thinking of jumping off.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57And then no telephone.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58LAUGHTER
0:09:58 > 0:10:01It really makes me think that if you are feeling that way,
0:10:01 > 0:10:05you're going to think "Well, that's just typical of my luck!"
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Wasn't there somebody... I might be making this up.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Who used to hang around at Beachy Head...
0:10:13 > 0:10:17- Which is a common suicide spot.- And talk people out of it.- Yes, indeed.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21- There's priests walking around. - Priests, and ordinary good, kind people.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25But the thing about Beachy Head is that I've been on to Beachy Head
0:10:25 > 0:10:29when I've say, had a gig in Brighton, and if you just want to have
0:10:29 > 0:10:33a little sit-down, and have a little think, people panic.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- Well, they assume... - I had the police come up to me. Yeah.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Because it is such a popular suicide spot.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I was just having a little bit of a read.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45I think it was a bit attention seeking of me, if I'm honest. To be honest I was quite down.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Were you dangling your legs over the edge(?)
0:10:47 > 0:10:49LAUGHTER
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Choking myself!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55HE HOWLS HISTRIONICALLY
0:10:55 > 0:10:57"I'm fine, I'm absolutely fine."
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Now, listen to this obituary,
0:11:02 > 0:11:06and let me know what kind of person is being described.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08"He was a tireless raconteur,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11"who gave colourful accounts of his exploits,
0:11:11 > 0:11:14"but did not suffer fools gladly.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16"An uncompromisingly direct ladies' man,
0:11:16 > 0:11:20"he was affable and hospitable at every hour,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23"but he did not uphold the highest ethical standards of the City."
0:11:23 > 0:11:25NEWS AT TEN
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Sounds like a bit of a wrong 'un. - Yes.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Because they're all things that you kind of...
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I've got a problem with that expression,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- "Didn't suffer fools gladly." - You've put your finger on it.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Who does? Who does suffer fools gladly?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Who goes, "I want to spend the weekend with a fool?"
0:11:41 > 0:11:43You have, you're on my team.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER
0:11:45 > 0:11:47You've put your finger on it, Shappi.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51The point is, all those phrases are what used to be obituary code,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54and basically you had to translate it.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57"A tireless raconteur" means a crashing bore.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Is it Nick Clegg?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02It's not one individual, it's just these different things.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05"Affable and hospitable at every hour",
0:12:05 > 0:12:07or simply convivial a drunk.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Basically, a terrible drunk.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13"Uncompromisingly direct ladies' man" -
0:12:13 > 0:12:14a serial groper.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19You'd also get, "Devoted much of his time to the Boys' Brigade and the Boy Scouts."
0:12:19 > 0:12:22That also tells you a lot about such figures.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26- "Gave colourful accounts of his exploits."- Liar.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Liar, exactly.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32"Did not uphold the highest ethical standards of the City."
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- Thief.- Yeah, fraudster, basically.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- And "Did not suffer fools gladly." - Intolerant!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40A total shit, exactly.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41LAUGHTER
0:12:41 > 0:12:43A howling shit.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44LAUGHTER
0:12:44 > 0:12:47And these were the codes, and you read the obituaries
0:12:47 > 0:12:50and you kind of understood what was being said about them.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55The longest Times newspaper obituary was 60,000 words.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Who do you think for?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Queen Victoria.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- Queen Victoria's the right answer, well done.- Point!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04APPLAUSE
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Very good.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09That's very good, very good.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13But can you name anyone who's actually read his own, premature, obituary?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Has anyone ever read their own obituary while being alive?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20There's a weird thing about... You know Frankie Howerd
0:13:20 > 0:13:23and Benny Hill died on the same day,
0:13:23 > 0:13:27and they rang up Benny Hill to say...
0:13:27 > 0:13:30This is apparently true, right.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Don't laugh. This is death! I'm not inviting you to my funeral!
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Apparently they rang up Benny Hill to get
0:13:40 > 0:13:43a quote about the death of Frankie Howerd,
0:13:43 > 0:13:47and his agent couldn't get a hold of him, so she made up a quote.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48But he'd already died.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50SHE GASPS
0:13:50 > 0:13:51And he was at home, in his flat,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54and then the TVs were already broadcasting his thing
0:13:54 > 0:13:56on the death of somebody else, and he was already dead.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58SHAPPI: That's such a typical agent thing,
0:13:58 > 0:14:00to not realise you're dead!
0:14:00 > 0:14:01LAUGHTER
0:14:01 > 0:14:03My wife used to work for an agency,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05and one of their clients,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08who was called Rory, passed away.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11But she, mistakenly, thought it was Rory McGrath.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16So for about a week, every time somebody rang for Rory McGrath, she'd say...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21.."I'm so sorry..."
0:14:21 > 0:14:23And they would say, "But I only saw him on Tuesday!"
0:14:23 > 0:14:25"He seemed so well!"
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I had a friend who ran an agency like that,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30and her now ex-husband,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32who wasn't the most sensitive type,
0:14:32 > 0:14:34one of the clients,
0:14:34 > 0:14:39somebody rang up, rang the house and obviously said she'd passed away.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41And he just left a note on the fridge saying,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43"Mrs Johnson, brown bread."
0:14:43 > 0:14:45And so she went shopping!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Oh, no!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49LAUGHTER
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- He thought that she needed groceries!- Oh, dear.
0:14:52 > 0:14:58There are two stories, one was that Alfred Nobel read his own obituary
0:14:58 > 0:15:00and was described as being "a merchant of death"
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- because he invented... - Dynamite.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Dynamite, yes, exactly.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08And he was so horrified, and he wasn't dead,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10that he instituted the Nobel Prizes
0:15:10 > 0:15:13in order to try and reclaim his name.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16That is not, in fact, a true story, it's a myth.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20The other one is Marcus Garvey, the Jamaican black nationalist,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23apparently died as a result of reading his obituary.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28He had a stroke when he read the Chicago Defender newspaper,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30which printed his obituary describing him as
0:15:30 > 0:15:32"broke, alone and unpopular."
0:15:32 > 0:15:34AUDIENCE: Awww.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- Terribly sad. - That's like Googling yourself.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Mine would just say, "It's safe to come out now."
0:15:40 > 0:15:43LAUGHTER
0:15:43 > 0:15:44"He's gone, honest."
0:15:44 > 0:15:49"Friends who knew him said, 'Yes, he really was like that.'"
0:15:49 > 0:15:51LAUGHTER
0:15:51 > 0:15:53The other day, I was driving through Islington,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56and there was a hearse slowing everything down,
0:15:56 > 0:15:59and I did say to my wife, "If it's my funeral,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02"tell the bloke driving the hearse to step on it, I would not..."
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Vroom!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Instead of having a coffin, as well, just have the body
0:16:06 > 0:16:09so that as you're going round the corners you're slamming against...
0:16:09 > 0:16:11LAUGHTER
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Get some chickens...
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Get some chickens in a cage and some boxes to drive through,
0:16:17 > 0:16:18just make it look like...
0:16:18 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Like an A-Team finale.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24What music do you want your coffin to go...?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- When your coffin disappears? - The Sweeney theme.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28That would be a good one.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31HE SINGS THE SWEENEY THEME
0:16:31 > 0:16:34The end music when it's really slow.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36When the foot presses on the accelerator.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I'd quite like the music from 'Allo, 'Allo
0:16:39 > 0:16:42with "You have been watching..." and my body like that.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44LAUGHTER
0:16:44 > 0:16:48You know one of the most popular ones is the Countdown theme.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51STEPHEN SINGS THE COUNTDOWN THEME
0:16:51 > 0:16:55When my dad died, he was a big fan of sailing,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58so we gave him a Viking send off.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01We put his ashes in a boat and tried to set fire to it.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04But, cos it was in the North Sea, it wouldn't light...
0:17:04 > 0:17:05LAUGHTER
0:17:05 > 0:17:09..so what we did was, we were trying to fill the boat full of his ashes,
0:17:09 > 0:17:13and we were going, "Do you tip the ashes straight into the boat, or do you put them in bags?"
0:17:13 > 0:17:14And my mum, who's ever practical, went,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17"I've got some sandwich bags, I'll get some sandwich bags."
0:17:17 > 0:17:20LAUGHTER
0:17:20 > 0:17:24So we went out to sea, then off he went and shot off into the distance.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Was it a remote-controlled boat?
0:17:26 > 0:17:30- It was, yeah! Like a proper big yacht.- You're joking!
0:17:30 > 0:17:31No, seriously.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- You sent your dad off with four double-As?- We did!
0:17:34 > 0:17:35LAUGHTER
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Keep going till the batteries run out!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Going around in circles!
0:17:43 > 0:17:46You're there with an air rifle, like that.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49And the people from the miniature village were going, "Help that man!"
0:17:49 > 0:17:50"Someone, help him!"
0:17:50 > 0:17:52A little lifeboat comes out.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54LAUGHTER
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Did you not argue over who used the remote control?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59That wouldn't work in our family.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01"Give it here, you're doing it wrong!"
0:18:01 > 0:18:05"He was my dad, too! Give us a go!"
0:18:05 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER
0:18:07 > 0:18:10The word "dignity" is not the first...
0:18:10 > 0:18:11LAUGHTER
0:18:11 > 0:18:14This is the thing, that's exactly what he would have wanted,
0:18:14 > 0:18:18And I've said the same thing - like Hunter S Thompson, when he died,
0:18:18 > 0:18:22he was put in a cannon and fired off across the valley he used to own,
0:18:22 > 0:18:27and what I'd quite like to do is be put in pepper spray,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29and then people that I don't like
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I'm going to get my wife to go "Fffft!" like that.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33LAUGHTER
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Face full of Noble!
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Oh my God, how did we get here? I can't even remember.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:41 > 0:18:44The fact is, no matter how many character flaws you have,
0:18:44 > 0:18:47you can be sure they'll be euphemistically dealt with
0:18:47 > 0:18:48in your obituary.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Journalists are not above a bit of muck-raking, of course,
0:18:52 > 0:18:56but can you describe the most expensive piece of shit
0:18:56 > 0:18:58to come out of a British bank?
0:18:58 > 0:19:04Is it some sort of fossilised, dinosodic poo in the...?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08How extraordinary you are, Ross Noble.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10For 20 minutes you've been gibbering like an idiot...
0:19:10 > 0:19:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:12 > 0:19:15..suddenly you've come up with a brilliant answer.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17APPLAUSE
0:19:19 > 0:19:21You're absolutely right.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24The only way you could be righter is if you could give me
0:19:24 > 0:19:26a technical name for fossilised shit.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- Is there going to be faeces in the thing?- Well, yes,
0:19:29 > 0:19:34you can call it palaeontofaeces, or you can call it coprolite.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35"Copra" is shit in Latin.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Coprolite sounds like a chocolate bar.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41It does, rather, doesn't it? Not a very nice one.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45But it was a Lloyds Bank in York, of all places,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49and they found this period poo in 1972.
0:19:49 > 0:19:54It was 23 centimetres long, five centimetres wide, a human poo.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56It was a Viking poo.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Did they find this within the bank, or was it...?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01I'm taking it it was a staff day out.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03LAUGHTER
0:20:03 > 0:20:05It was found under the branch, this stone hanging down...
0:20:05 > 0:20:09- To be honest, it just looks like an old Wotsit to me.- It does,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12but when you examine it more closely you will see it is a poo,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15and you can actually even determine what was eaten,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18and that is cereal bran, so they were quite healthy and regular,
0:20:18 > 0:20:20and hence the...I wouldn't say
0:20:20 > 0:20:22it's the most normal looking stool I've ever seen...
0:20:22 > 0:20:25So you're telling me that every time I go to the loo
0:20:25 > 0:20:27I am flushing away millions?
0:20:27 > 0:20:31In future I'm going to go to my bank and have a shit there.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34But I'm going to tag it so that my family in future...
0:20:34 > 0:20:37You're going to walk in and say, "I'm just going to make a deposit."
0:20:37 > 0:20:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Oh dear, oh dear.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46The poo's discoverer, Andrew "Bones" Jones,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48said, "this is the most..."
0:20:48 > 0:20:49LAUGHTER
0:20:49 > 0:20:53"..the most exciting piece of excrement I've ever seen.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57"In its own way, it's as valuable as the Crown Jewels."
0:20:57 > 0:21:00There was another exciting coprolite that was discovered.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04It was a T Rex turd that was found in Saskatchewan in 1998,
0:21:04 > 0:21:08and that was 17 inches long and six inches thick.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10And that was reckoned to be a bit of it knocked off,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13that the actual turd would have been even bigger.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14How did they know?
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Was there a dead T Rex next to it that had pooed itself to death?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20LAUGHTER
0:21:20 > 0:21:24It was found reaching for the toilet roll with its tiny claws.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- How does it wipe...? - T Rex's died of frustration,
0:21:29 > 0:21:30cos they couldn't get round to wipe.
0:21:32 > 0:21:37Coprolites are not everybody's cup of tea,
0:21:37 > 0:21:38collecting fossilised turds...
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- People like poo, though. - They do, don't they?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43They do like poo, they like drawing with poo.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46I went to someone's house and they had this elephant poo painting.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50But when communication breaks down, it does make a bold statement.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51LAUGHTER
0:21:51 > 0:21:55When you write something on the wall, like, "Call me a taxi..."
0:21:55 > 0:21:57they do do it, honestly.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59LAUGHTER
0:21:59 > 0:22:02You know like one of them parties when you've had enough?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04You write on the wall with your own faeces,
0:22:04 > 0:22:07people start listening to you!
0:22:07 > 0:22:09LAUGHTER
0:22:12 > 0:22:14You've just got to do one big enough to go,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16"I was not fond of the cheesecake..."
0:22:16 > 0:22:18LAUGHTER
0:22:18 > 0:22:20"..and considering you're out of vodka and I'm low on turd,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23"I would like to go home now."
0:22:24 > 0:22:28The odd thing is when the forensic scientists come in and find out
0:22:28 > 0:22:32that it was Johnny Vegas's poo, but it was Lorraine Kelly's handwriting.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33LAUGHTER
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Yeah, the diction was perfect,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39and even the sweetcorn was used for little commas.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40AUDIENCE: Awww!
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Oh, now! Now, there's the line!
0:22:44 > 0:22:45We've found the line.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49You've crossed a boundary.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Are you finding you're not selling as much Tupperware at these parties?
0:22:52 > 0:22:53LAUGHTER
0:22:55 > 0:22:59I don't mean to keep it in that area, but I will.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- My wife once had, you know those bath bomb things?- Yes.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- Yeah, the fizzy ones. - Yeah, "lass grenades" I call them.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08You chuck them in the bath and they fizz up
0:23:08 > 0:23:11and fill the bath with glitter, and I didn't realise,
0:23:11 > 0:23:14went in the bath, and quite a lot of glitter had gone in my...
0:23:14 > 0:23:17in my bum, and I didn't realise,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19and I did a poo, and I looked into the toilet,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21and it was sparkling, right...
0:23:21 > 0:23:22LAUGHTER
0:23:22 > 0:23:27I, honestly, for a minute I thought I had a magic arse.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31I honestly did. Yeah.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32That was lovely.
0:23:34 > 0:23:39That's a beautiful story. Anyway, moving on.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41What's the name of the highly fortified building
0:23:41 > 0:23:44where most of the gold in America is kept?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Aww! Now, don't do it, don't do it.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49SHAPPI BUZZES
0:23:49 > 0:23:52The Beckhams' house?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55The Beckham house is a good answer.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Most of the gold in America is kept in a single place.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Is this a double bluff and it IS going to be Fort Knox?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04ALARM RINGS
0:24:04 > 0:24:06It's not Fort Knox, no.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Nearly twice as much gold is at the Federal Reserve Bank in New York,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14their equivalent of the Bank of England.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17They have there about 7,000 tonnes of bullion,
0:24:17 > 0:24:21and in Fort Knox, they've got no more than around 4,500 tonnes
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- which is not quite half, but... - A pittance!- ..still a lot.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29But they've had some interesting things in Fort Knox apart from gold.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32They've had one of the great English treasures.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34If I were to say the year...
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Oh, Thora Hird?
0:24:36 > 0:24:41Not Thora Hird. I'll say the year 1215 to you. Does that...?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- The Magna Carta.- Very good. They had the Magna Carta
0:24:44 > 0:24:46in Fort Knox for some short time.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51They also stored the crown, sword, sceptre, orb and cape
0:24:51 > 0:24:54of Saint Stephen, King of Hungary was stored there
0:24:54 > 0:24:57and then returned to the government in Hungary in 1978.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Was it like a cloakroom? Did he come in? "Oh, all right, take the cape!"
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- "There's me orb."- He lost his ticket and they wouldn't give it back.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Really annoyed.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Honestly, I am the King of Hung... let me try the crown on,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- it's a perfect fit, I promise. - Anyway...
0:25:10 > 0:25:13And where do Spandau Ballet fit into the equation?
0:25:13 > 0:25:17They're like the Rasputin of the new government.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Is there something I'm missing out here?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22THEY SING "GOLD" BY SPANDAU BALLET
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Let's sing that and run at him!
0:25:25 > 0:25:29# You're indestructible Always believe in
0:25:29 > 0:25:31# Boom, boom, GOLD! #
0:25:31 > 0:25:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:42 > 0:25:45I'm just going to move on to the next question if I may,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48which is can you think of a way of promoting railways
0:25:48 > 0:25:50that is guaranteed to get into the papers?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52SHAPPI BUZZES
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Make them work.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Ah! Very good!
0:25:55 > 0:25:57APPLAUSE
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- Good answer.- Crash?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Mmm!- Crash them.- You're right. You get the points.- You're joking?!
0:26:04 > 0:26:08- I'm not.- I just saw Branson and thought "Crash."- Make them crash.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13Funnily enough, a man called Crush was a rail magnate in America,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16and in order to draw attention to what he thought
0:26:16 > 0:26:20was his supreme line across Texas, he arranged for this public display
0:26:20 > 0:26:23of two trains charging into each other.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26They were either end of a four-mile track.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30They began to accelerate and then they collided to great cheers.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Both boilers exploded, metal began to fly,
0:26:32 > 0:26:36spectators ran in blind panic, two young men and a woman were killed.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40At least six other people were seriously injured in the debris.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42There's a lot of death in the show today.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Sounds like something Branson would attempt, doesn't it?
0:26:46 > 0:26:50It sounds to me like Thomas The Tank Engine Does Die Hard!
0:26:50 > 0:26:53IMPERSONATES RINGO STARR: Thomas and Percy were flying towards each other
0:26:53 > 0:26:56in some horrific showdown to the death!
0:26:56 > 0:27:01That'd be the Thomas The Tank Engine video game with the 18 certificate.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- Yes.- Grand Theft Thomas!
0:27:03 > 0:27:04LAUGHTER
0:27:04 > 0:27:08IMPERSONATES RINGO STARR: Thomas went chugging down there,
0:27:08 > 0:27:10he killed a prostitute for extra money.
0:27:11 > 0:27:16I very much like this idea. We must write this down.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19"Thomas video game."
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Other ways of trying to get publicity for things.
0:27:22 > 0:27:27Honore de Balzac, the great French writer, he wrote a play.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31It's called Les Rubriques de Quinola.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35And his way of drumming up attention for it was to tell everybody
0:27:35 > 0:27:39that it was sold out. Unfortunately, this backfired cos everyone thought,
0:27:39 > 0:27:41FRENCH ACCENT: "No point trying to buy a ticket.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44"It's sold out, I can't go and see it." so it was a complete failure.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47There's a brilliant novel by Ted Heller called Funnymen,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50and it's about a fictional comic double act.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52In one of their shows, someone had a heart attack
0:27:52 > 0:27:54and they came upon this brilliant publicity scam
0:27:54 > 0:27:57where they would have ambulances outside the theatre,
0:27:57 > 0:27:58cos they were so funny,
0:27:58 > 0:28:01it was almost certain someone would have a heart attack and die.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Then they would have people feigning heart attacks
0:28:03 > 0:28:08- and being ferried off in ambulances. - That's happened at one of my gigs.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11A girl was laughing so much, she had a really bad asthma attack.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14That's a dilemma, cos on the one hand you're thinking, "That's terrible."
0:28:14 > 0:28:16But on the other hand you're thinking, "Ye-e-es!"
0:28:18 > 0:28:19Nearly killed one!
0:28:19 > 0:28:22I killed them tonight! I killed them!
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- That one's dead. 999 to go.- Exactly.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Now, some people will do anything for fame.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34But what did The Famous Five have lashings of?
0:28:34 > 0:28:36NEWS AT TEN THEME Ginger beer.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39- ALARM RINGS - No!
0:28:39 > 0:28:43- Someone had to say it. - I read all of those books.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45I'm gutted that I don't know.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49It's funny, cos in the books there is only one foodstuff that is referred to
0:28:49 > 0:28:54- in all the Famous Five books, of which they had lashings. - Yeah, they... They eat the dog.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57- Treacle. - They don't eat the dog, no.
0:28:58 > 0:28:59Asbestos.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03They had lashings of asbestos.
0:29:04 > 0:29:08Before they realised just how dangerous it was in powdered form.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11- The dog in The Famous Five was Asbestos?- No, not the dog.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14- Sorry, I thought the dog was Asbestos. - They just packed lots of asbestos
0:29:14 > 0:29:15for its fire-retardant qualities.
0:29:15 > 0:29:20- Asbestos is a very good name for a dog.- It's good, isn't it? - Asbestos!
0:29:21 > 0:29:22- SHOUTS:- As-bes-tos!
0:29:22 > 0:29:24The reason...
0:29:24 > 0:29:30- My uncle had a dog named after Charlie Mingus, the jazz musician. - Yeah.
0:29:30 > 0:29:35Mingus. Problem was, is that he's got the same accent as me.
0:29:35 > 0:29:40He'd be in the Park, and he'd just be shouting, "Mingus! Mingus!"
0:29:40 > 0:29:45- And the... The local girls thought that he was...- Yeah, talking to them.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48"Mingus!" "Piss off!"
0:29:48 > 0:29:50"Mingus!" "Who are you calling mingers?"
0:29:50 > 0:29:51And it led to all sorts of problems.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55I'm sure it did. Why do we think of the lashings of ginger beer?
0:29:55 > 0:29:57Because of The Comic Strip Presents...
0:29:57 > 0:30:03Because The Comic Strip Presents..., their first film was The Comic Strip Presents Five Go Mad In Dorset...
0:30:03 > 0:30:06- It's very funny.- ..and they kept going on about having lashings of ginger beer.
0:30:06 > 0:30:10But in the actual books, there is no reference to lashings of ginger beer.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13But in one of the books, Five Go Down To The Sea,
0:30:13 > 0:30:16they did arrive at a Cornish farm and immediately settled down to
0:30:16 > 0:30:19a high tea of lettuce, tomatoes, onions, radishes,
0:30:19 > 0:30:23mustard and cress, carrot grated up and lashings of hard-boiled eggs.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26- Eggs! I was going to say eggs! - You were going to say that!
0:30:26 > 0:30:28They always go in to farmhouses and get free eggs.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32The only lashings Enid Blyton gave The Famous Five were lashings of hard-boiled eggs.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35- They never had lashings of ginger beer.- That's a terrible picnic.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37Who has onions at a picnic?
0:30:37 > 0:30:39It's very hard to lash an egg.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42Unless you're in some sort of S&M thing with Humpty Dumpty.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46That's why they couldn't put him back together again.
0:30:46 > 0:30:50I'll give you 10 points if you can give me, within three,
0:30:50 > 0:30:53the number of books that Enid Blyton wrote a year.
0:30:53 > 0:30:58- 42.- You were damn close. You were just out of range, I'm afraid.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01She actually wrote 37 books a year.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04And, talking of busy women, let's move on to another question here.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07Why have we never heard of Harriet Quimby?
0:31:07 > 0:31:11- You've heard of Fred Quimby who produced the...- Tom and Jerry. - Tom and Jerry.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14And Mayor Quimby in The Simpsons,
0:31:14 > 0:31:17but Harriet was the first American woman to become a licensed pilot,
0:31:17 > 0:31:21and the first woman to fly the English Channel.
0:31:21 > 0:31:26But unfortunately, it just so happened her record-breaking flight didn't make the news
0:31:26 > 0:31:30because she completed it the day after the Titanic sank.
0:31:30 > 0:31:34So, it just was a damp squib, to say the least.
0:31:34 > 0:31:38She was famous in her day. She was one of the very first screenwriters at the very
0:31:38 > 0:31:44beginning of Hollywood. She wrote seven scenarios for the father of cinema, DW Griffith.
0:31:44 > 0:31:49She died aged 37 at an aviation meet, sadly crashing.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52But it was an impressive and a short and brilliant life.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55Who was the first man to fly the Channel, do you remember?
0:31:55 > 0:31:58Oh, we all know him! We all know the MEN that fly the channel.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01- A mean, I don't... - Well, he was the first person.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03LAUGHTER
0:32:03 > 0:32:05Louis Bleriot. It was one of the great achievements.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08He flew from England to France, but the French authorities,
0:32:08 > 0:32:10when he landed, didn't have a form,
0:32:10 > 0:32:14and so they signed him in as having landed
0:32:14 > 0:32:18on a yacht called Monoplane, because that's the best they could do.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21It was a huge feat at the time, and it was a £1,000 prize offered by...?
0:32:22 > 0:32:25- The Daily Mail?- Of course, the Daily Mail. Well done. Exactly.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29But you know what, Harriet did that backwards and in heels.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31- Exactly. Very good. Good point.- Thank you.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33I'm sure it was harder for her.
0:32:33 > 0:32:34But it can be...
0:32:34 > 0:32:38LAUGHTER
0:32:38 > 0:32:41It can be very difficult to die at the wrong time.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44Can you think of people who died unfortunately on the same day
0:32:44 > 0:32:47as somebody even better known than themselves?
0:32:47 > 0:32:49Oh, I know! NEWS AT TEN THEME
0:32:49 > 0:32:54- Mother Teresa.- Who died the same day as...?- Diana. The Princess of Wales.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57Precisely, so she was not only below the fold, she was over the page.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00I only realised couple of months ago Mother Teresa was dead.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03Yes, yes. Who died on the same day as Michael Jackson?
0:33:05 > 0:33:09Arr! It was an actress, wasn't it? It was...Farrah Fawcett!
0:33:09 > 0:33:12Farrah Fawcett is the right answer, well done!
0:33:12 > 0:33:14Summoned up from nowhere.
0:33:15 > 0:33:19I've just found out this moment that Farrah Fawcett's dead!
0:33:19 > 0:33:23- Oh, you didn't know that?- She died on the same day as Michael Jackson.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25LAUGHTER
0:33:25 > 0:33:27Apparently when the ambulance men
0:33:27 > 0:33:30were driving up Michael Jackson's drive,
0:33:30 > 0:33:33they heard he wasn't breathing and they're driving up there
0:33:33 > 0:33:35and one goes, "What are we going to try first?"
0:33:35 > 0:33:38And the other one went, "I reckon the rollercoaster."
0:33:38 > 0:33:40LAUGHTER
0:33:40 > 0:33:44- Terrible.- But do you do that thing where, if you're on a plane
0:33:44 > 0:33:47and there's somebody famous on there, you look at them and think,
0:33:47 > 0:33:51"If this goes down, who's going to get top of the bill?"
0:33:51 > 0:33:55I have to say, I haven't yet thought that.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57It would be a sad thought, "Would I get the headline?"
0:33:57 > 0:34:00I was on a plane with Sting once.
0:34:00 > 0:34:04Well, "Sting and Alan Davies Go Down" would be...
0:34:04 > 0:34:07LAUGHTER
0:34:07 > 0:34:10APPLAUSE
0:34:13 > 0:34:15It was in Australia...
0:34:15 > 0:34:17"Sting and Jonathan Creek man!"
0:34:17 > 0:34:21We were going on an internal flight in Australia,
0:34:21 > 0:34:24and he knelt on his seat talking to the person behind him
0:34:24 > 0:34:26so everyone on the plane could see him for the whole...
0:34:26 > 0:34:29and he didn't do a single song, not one song!
0:34:29 > 0:34:31Was he not just doing Yoga?
0:34:31 > 0:34:34He was sat there but his head was fully...fully twisted.
0:34:34 > 0:34:39- Finally, 22nd of November 1963. Who died then?- Kennedy.
0:34:39 > 0:34:40Right, so, JFK.
0:34:40 > 0:34:44That was obviously huge news, the American president dying.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47As it happens, two very distinguished authors died on the same day.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50Both British, as it happens.
0:34:50 > 0:34:54CS Lewis and Aldous Huxley both died on the same day as Kennedy,
0:34:54 > 0:34:57so both got rather tiny-winy little obituaries.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00Now, how can you get a German on your side
0:35:00 > 0:35:02before he's even had his Corn Flakes?
0:35:02 > 0:35:04NEWS AT TEN THEME
0:35:04 > 0:35:07Allow him to put his towel over them first.
0:35:07 > 0:35:08Mine definitely do.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11This is a reference to a very specific operation
0:35:11 > 0:35:15- in the Second World War, and it was called Operation...?- Corn Flakes.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17- Operation Corn Flakes, exactly. - Put the milk in the bowl first,
0:35:17 > 0:35:20- because it's more...- Maddens them!
0:35:20 > 0:35:23- Does it?- No, no!
0:35:23 > 0:35:26LAUGHTER
0:35:26 > 0:35:29Tell me anything now and I'll believe it.
0:35:29 > 0:35:33This was an ingenious method of distributing Allied propaganda.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36A bomber would bomb a mail train in Germany
0:35:36 > 0:35:41and a second plane would come along and drop tonnes and tonnes
0:35:41 > 0:35:44of fake mail addressed to real German addresses,
0:35:44 > 0:35:47that was filled with anti-German propaganda.
0:35:47 > 0:35:51Some of the stamps were even...you can see the one on the far right,
0:35:51 > 0:35:55they looked so like the real one.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58That says, "Futsches Reich," "Ruined Empire."
0:35:58 > 0:36:00And it has Hitler as a skull.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04And those were the normal stamps the German empire had at the time.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06A group in Rome prepared envelopes
0:36:06 > 0:36:09with more than two million names and addresses.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12The whole point was that the train had appeared to be derailed
0:36:12 > 0:36:15and the people would come to rescue the mail and they'd see amongst it
0:36:15 > 0:36:18these mailbags, identical to proper German postal mailbags
0:36:18 > 0:36:20that had been dropped by the second Allied bomber,
0:36:20 > 0:36:24and they were addressed to thousands of people
0:36:24 > 0:36:27telling them they were losing the war, Hitler was lying to them.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29It was known as Operation Corn Flakes
0:36:29 > 0:36:33because they opened their letters with their Corn Flakes, as it were.
0:36:33 > 0:36:34Quite interesting.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37But it's time for a Dubious Theory.
0:36:37 > 0:36:411940S-STYLE RADIO ANNOUNCER: "A Dubious Theory from Stephen Fry."
0:36:41 > 0:36:42RECORD SCRATCHES TO A STOP
0:36:42 > 0:36:47Yes, erm, according to Dutch writer Iman Wilkens,
0:36:47 > 0:36:51the Trojan War actually took place in England, near Cambridge.
0:36:51 > 0:36:56The area which Homer calls Crete was Scandinavia, Sparta was Spain
0:36:56 > 0:37:00and Lesbos was the Isle of Wight. Dubious or not?
0:37:00 > 0:37:04Read out the arguments at Trojanschmojan.co.uk
0:37:04 > 0:37:06and then decide for yourself.
0:37:06 > 0:37:101940S-STYLE RADIO ANNOUNCER: "A Dubious Theory From Stephen Fry"
0:37:10 > 0:37:13- Is that a website that's been set up by the elves?- Yes, it is.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16But it basically assembles all the facts
0:37:16 > 0:37:20which people who genuinely adhere to this theory, that the Trojan War
0:37:20 > 0:37:23really does not seem to qualify for a Greek war. For example,
0:37:23 > 0:37:26there's no mention of any Greeks anywhere.
0:37:26 > 0:37:30Troy's attackers are referred to as Danaeans and Achaeans,
0:37:30 > 0:37:31who could be Danes,
0:37:31 > 0:37:35could be people from Argos, the kingdom of Northern France.
0:37:35 > 0:37:39And Homer's Troy also has a climate which is very un-Mediterranean,
0:37:39 > 0:37:42- full of storms and wind and rain. - But Stephen, were this true,
0:37:42 > 0:37:48would we not have relics all around East Anglia?
0:37:48 > 0:37:50Swords and helmets and that kind of thing?
0:37:50 > 0:37:53- And a massive rotten old horse... - And a rotten old horse, exactly.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55..in Cambridge City Centre.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58Exactly! There are counter arguments,
0:37:58 > 0:38:01and most people will believe that it is dubious.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04Canakkale in Turkey is generally believed to be
0:38:04 > 0:38:07the archaeological site of Ilium or Troy,
0:38:07 > 0:38:10but there are serious historians who maintain
0:38:10 > 0:38:12that Homer was writing about a Trojan War
0:38:12 > 0:38:16that in fact took place in Britain. In East Anglia, would you believe?
0:38:16 > 0:38:19All right, What kind of hat did they wear in the Wild West?
0:38:19 > 0:38:21Ten-gallon hat.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24- ALARM RINGS - Ten-gallon hat?
0:38:25 > 0:38:27Five-gallon hat?
0:38:27 > 0:38:32- No, no.- Of course, cos now it's litres, isn't it?- 45 litre?
0:38:32 > 0:38:36- No litres or gallons.- Was it a Stetson? Can I have Stetson?
0:38:36 > 0:38:39- It wasn't a Stetson, no. - ALARM RINGS
0:38:39 > 0:38:44- The most popular hat by far... - ROSS: A cap, a flat cap.- No.
0:38:44 > 0:38:48- It was the, it was the... - Say it.- A bowler hat.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51Yes, a bowler hat is the right answer.
0:38:51 > 0:38:55- APPLAUSE - Far and away. There we are.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57We think of the bowler hat as the British businessman,
0:38:57 > 0:39:00but in fact it was THE preferred hat in the West.
0:39:00 > 0:39:05That's a pretty wild bunch, there. Butch Cassidy, seated front right.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08Sundance Kid, Harry Longabaugh, of course, front left.
0:39:08 > 0:39:12In fact, their pride in having their photographs taken with those hats was their undoing,
0:39:12 > 0:39:15because the Pinkerton agency reproduced the photographs
0:39:15 > 0:39:19and gave it to their agents, who tracked them down and killed them.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22It was hat makers Thomas and William Bowler who created the hat,
0:39:22 > 0:39:28but they weren't known as bowler hats in America, nor are they to this day. What do they call them?
0:39:28 > 0:39:31- AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Derbies. - Derbies, yes. "Darbies" or "derbies"
0:39:31 > 0:39:36Bowlers basically were much more common in the Wild West than Stetsons.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40Who fancies a shoot-out with a real, live vortex canon?
0:39:40 > 0:39:44I've given you one each. You've got a box. See that box, there?
0:39:44 > 0:39:47It's simply a box, all right?
0:39:47 > 0:39:51Now, the hole is where the vortex emerges,
0:39:51 > 0:39:56so if you lean it so that the hole is pointing at the target, all right?
0:39:56 > 0:40:00And basically, what you've got to do is smack the side of the box.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03All right? After three, two, one... Smack!
0:40:05 > 0:40:08- Very good. There you are! - Wow!
0:40:08 > 0:40:10APPLAUSE
0:40:15 > 0:40:17LAUGHTER
0:40:17 > 0:40:19But what we can...
0:40:19 > 0:40:22Yes. What we can do, before you destroy the box,
0:40:28 > 0:40:31Before you destroy the box, you can do something even more exciting,
0:40:31 > 0:40:33and that is fill it with smoke,
0:40:33 > 0:40:36and it will demonstrate what, in fact, was happening with the air.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39You should all have smoke machines.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41LAUGHTER
0:40:41 > 0:40:46That's it, fill with smoke. Fill it with smoke. And now...
0:40:46 > 0:40:49- AUDIENCE GASPS - Look! Look at that!
0:40:52 > 0:40:56Just a gentle tap. That is a vortex, those beautiful smoke rings.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58A lovely one, there.
0:41:03 > 0:41:07I've got... I've got an enormous cannon, here.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09I'm going to fill mine with...
0:41:09 > 0:41:12SMOKE MACHINE HISSES
0:41:13 > 0:41:16I'll see if I can get mine across the... Across the room, here.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18SHAPPI: You can even chase each other!
0:41:18 > 0:41:22Here we go. I've got it the wrong way round.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:41:25 > 0:41:27AUDIENCE GASPS
0:41:29 > 0:41:31We'll let the smoke drift a little.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36Would anyone like a big dustbin?
0:41:38 > 0:41:42It's simply pressure of air creating this wonderful vortex.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44- No, it's not, it's magic. - Nice one, Alan!
0:41:46 > 0:41:51Hey, with this kind of magic we could make the tiny people big again.
0:41:51 > 0:41:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:42:06 > 0:42:10Basically, ladies and gentlemen, that's it.
0:42:10 > 0:42:11Hours of fun can be had
0:42:11 > 0:42:16- playing with your own home-made vortex canon.- Quick! More smoke!
0:42:16 > 0:42:20And I suppose it must be time now for me to give the scores.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22And how interesting they are.
0:42:22 > 0:42:26In first place, with minus 5, is Ross Noble.
0:42:26 > 0:42:29APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:42:29 > 0:42:35Second equal with minus 6, Alan Davies and Johnny Vegas.
0:42:35 > 0:42:37APPLAUSE
0:42:40 > 0:42:42And a slightly unhappy Shappi with minus 17.
0:42:42 > 0:42:45APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:42:45 > 0:42:48THEME MUSIC
0:42:51 > 0:42:54Those lovely smoke rings. Lovely smoke rings.
0:42:54 > 0:42:58So, that's all from Shappi, Johnny, Ross, Alan and me.
0:42:58 > 0:43:00And I will leave you with this from Abraham Lincoln.
0:43:00 > 0:43:05"The trouble with quotes taken from the Internet is that you can never know if they are genuine."
0:43:05 > 0:43:07Thank you and good night.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:13 > 0:43:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd