0:00:03 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Well, goooooood evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:32 > 0:00:35good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:35 > 0:00:41and welcome to QI, which tonight is just a jumble of J things,
0:00:41 > 0:00:47and joining me in the land where the Jumblies live are an owl, Jo Brand.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:52And we have to have a pussycat, John Sessions.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:59And a beautiful pea-green Dara O'Briain.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:07And...all at sea, with a mind like a sieve, Alan Davies.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:18So, let's hear your J buzzers, if we may. Jo goes:
0:01:18 > 0:01:21# I'm still Jenny from the block. #
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Yes, that was obviously some female artiste.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- ALAN: J-Lo. - J-Lo.- Yeah.- John goes:
0:01:28 > 0:01:31# I got 99 problems But a bitch ain't one - hit me! #
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I'd give you ten points if you knew who that was?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Uh...Usher.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- I think J would have helped you. - Jay-Z?
0:01:42 > 0:01:47- It's too late now. But yes, Jay-Z is the answer. Jay-Z.- Right.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Or Jay-Zed, as we call him in England.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52And Dara goes:
0:01:52 > 0:01:55# It's not about the money, money, money
0:01:55 > 0:01:58# We don't need your money, money, money... #
0:01:58 > 0:02:02- And that was?- The lovely Jessie J. - Jessie J, absolutely. And Alan:
0:02:02 > 0:02:05MAN: # J, we're like Jack and Jill
0:02:05 > 0:02:07WOMAN: # K, we're so kissable
0:02:07 > 0:02:11MAN: # L is the lovelight in your eyes. #
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Aw! It's The Alphabet Song.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I think it was Perry Como. I may be imagining it.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16It wasn't a J person, was it?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- No.- I think it might have been his brother Jerry Como.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Never mind. Those are your J buzzers and J is our jamboree today.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29So, what do jockeys use their whips for?
0:02:29 > 0:02:30- # Hit me! #- Oh, oh, oh...!
0:02:32 > 0:02:37Do they have whips? Or are they not called...crops?
0:02:37 > 0:02:41A riding crop is a whip, so that's not the problem.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Well, recently they have decided that they can only use the whip,
0:02:45 > 0:02:49I believe, on the flat, eight times,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51and in the final furlong,
0:02:51 > 0:02:55if they use it more than five times,
0:02:55 > 0:02:59they forfeit their portion of the win, if they do, in fact, win.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04Wow, this is very impressive. For all I know, you're right.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:06 > 0:03:11I know that in Britain, if you use your whip more than eight times,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14there is almost always going to be a steward's inquiry.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Only if you use it on the horse. If you're hitting yourself...
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Obviously. I was taking that as read.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23If you go, "Argh, argh!" They don't mind!
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Is he being lowered on like the old kings used to be?
0:03:26 > 0:03:30That is Frankie Dettori's signature leap from the saddle.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- He's wearing Arsenal colours... - He is?- ..cos he's an Arsenal fan.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- Is that the reason? - I made it up.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38No, of course, it isn't the reason. He wears the colours of his owner.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42There is, also, the very famous American jockey Robert Mapplethorpe
0:03:42 > 0:03:48- who decided...- Arse jockey!- ..to put his whip UP his arse.- He did.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51And photograph it. The way we all do, I think.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- And it caused rather a stir in American circles.- It did. - To say the least.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- It's a variation on the photocopier thing, isn't it?- Absolutely.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Wherein you put a photocopier up your arse?
0:04:03 > 0:04:08- Oh, surely, we've all been there. - It was a helluva Christmas party!
0:04:08 > 0:04:13No, I'm presuming it's some sort of encouragement to the horse to run?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15You used a very important word - encouragement
0:04:15 > 0:04:20because naturally the RSPCA and those who care for animals
0:04:20 > 0:04:23are not particularly, frankly, pleased
0:04:23 > 0:04:26by the sight of animals being hit for sport.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28They don't find it acceptable.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- Quite a weapon, close up, isn't it? - It's a heck of a thing,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34but there's been a study by the RSPCA at Sydney University.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37They found that whipping does not have the effect of horsing a speed up.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- Er, speeding a horse up. - LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- APPLAUSE - These glasses...
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I don't want to get all street on you there,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52but when you horse your speed up, it does, say,
0:04:52 > 0:04:56it's when you get your methamphetamines and mix heroin in with it.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58And that will make you run!
0:04:58 > 0:05:01What have you done with Stephen Fry?
0:05:01 > 0:05:06OK. Let me start that again. They found that whipping does not have the effect of speeding a horse up.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11The RSPCAA claims this settles the case against whipping.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13The study has been criticised by racing authorities.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16They say it's too small a cohort of testings,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18only 48 horses in five races, etc.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21According to jockeys, speed is not the main purpose of the whip.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25The main uses are safety of both horse and jockey,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28stopping the horse from veering, losing balance,
0:05:28 > 0:05:29backing off from a jump
0:05:29 > 0:05:31or prompting it to change the length of its stride.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34They're never allowed to use it to coerce the horse.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39The other is precisely the word you used - "encouragement -
0:05:39 > 0:05:41which, obviously, the animal lobby says,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- "Come on, that's just a euphemism for coercion."- Yes.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48"It would be delightful if you could run just a tiny bit faster now, this race is almost at an end."
0:05:48 > 0:05:52I think we've all seen horses being enthusiastically "encouraged"
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- in the last furlong of a race. - LAUGHTER
0:05:54 > 0:05:56If you were in a race with somebody alongside you
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- like at a parents' day, for school...- Egg and spoon.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- More the three-legged one where you have somebody with you.- Oh, yes.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06If one of the people had a whip and felt that you were lagging
0:06:06 > 0:06:08and other parents were beating you and then whipped you,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10your motivation wouldn't be to run,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12you'd think, "Stop whipping me, you prick!"
0:06:12 > 0:06:13- You'd punch them in the face.- Yes.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18And also the notion that "Ow! You whipped me on the bum, therefore, I will be propelled forward,"
0:06:18 > 0:06:22as opposed to reacting, veering off, randomly finding out what is...
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I was caned in prep school and I never won a single race. It was terrible.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28There you are, they whipped you every day.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29They whipped me every day.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Did they whip you during the races? That would have been an impressive prep school thing,
0:06:33 > 0:06:37if they gave you a head start and then ran after you with the cane.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- It would be a five-legged race. - I'm not saying that on a...
0:06:41 > 0:06:44When you say "a three-legged race," you're thinking of two people,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47but what we're talking about here, Dara, is horses and people.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51I wasn't saying that the last time I went to a school sports day, I brought a horse
0:06:51 > 0:06:54in an effort to win the three-legged race, and nobody sussed it.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57LAUGHTER I would love to see that.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Have you met my delightful wife, Juniper?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01HE SNORTS
0:07:01 > 0:07:02LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:05What happened to the old carrot dangled in front of the horse?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Ah, the carrot or the stick, you're absolutely right.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Well, inflicting pain is not part of the intended method.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14The whip currently used in British horse racing
0:07:14 > 0:07:20has an energy-absorbing design, which means it does not cause pain if used correctly, supposedly.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21The fact is, some people,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24and I have to say, I probably count myself amongst them,
0:07:24 > 0:07:27think it would be a nice idea to have a sport in which
0:07:27 > 0:07:30you didn't have to hit animals at all. Maybe I'm wrong.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33However, what does a robot jockey do?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Ah yes, these robot jockeys ride camels, don't they?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39You are good, and you've already got the points.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Yeah, yeah, the robot jockeys,
0:07:40 > 0:07:43they're a form of racing in Dubai, in particular,
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- and perhaps across the... - In the UAE, generally.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49They have camel racing and camels at that speed, probably could not take a human weight on them,
0:07:49 > 0:07:53they'd have to be quite small. So I am presuming that at some stage
0:07:53 > 0:07:58they experimented with either little people or with children.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02But it was reintroduced by King Fahd of Saudi Arabia
0:08:02 > 0:08:06in the 1970s, and children were indeed taken from their parents
0:08:06 > 0:08:09and forced to be the jockeys on these camels.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11What do you mean, "taken from their parents"?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13People would just turn up at a random house?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I'm afraid, as you probably know, much of the service industries
0:08:16 > 0:08:18are performed by Sri Lankans and Indians.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22The Gulf Arab people themselves don't do much of the basic work.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25It was Indian children who were taken to be jockeys.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29It was not a pleasant story, there's no way of dressing it up nicely.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32How much control do they have over the camels, exactly?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Well, they've got reins and also GPS, so they know where they are.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Now, you may say, "Why put a face and a hat and costume on it?"
0:08:38 > 0:08:43The fact is, the camels were spooked out when the robots just looked like machines.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46The camels were much more relaxed at the idea that it was a human,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- because they've sort of grown used to the idea.- Right.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53So these only weigh a few kilos, they're not that expensive.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56About 500 each. They whip the camels by remote control,
0:08:56 > 0:08:58because the managers are following in a truck,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00so they do whip, I'm afraid.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02They're far lighter than the child jockeys,
0:09:02 > 0:09:06and I suppose it's less inhumane.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08They were designed in Switzerland. Ha-ha.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10LAUGHTER
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Please may I tell you the only camel joke that I know?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- Please, please.- OK.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16There's two guys in the army out in the desert,
0:09:16 > 0:09:21and there's a new recruit, and there are no women around at all,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24and the new recruit says, "What do we do for sex?"
0:09:24 > 0:09:27And the old guy says, "I'm afraid it's the camels."
0:09:27 > 0:09:31And so that evening, they're all let out towards the camels,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33and the old bloke's running really fast
0:09:33 > 0:09:36and the young guy says, "What are you doing? It's only a camel."
0:09:36 > 0:09:39And he goes, "Yeah, but you don't want to get an ugly one, do you?"
0:09:39 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:43So what are those camels we're looking at?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45What sort of camels are they?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Hang on, I'm sorry, there is another camel joke.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Same starting point, taken from the first couple of minutes and said,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57"Oh I'm afraid there are no women here, I'm afraid it's the camels."
0:09:57 > 0:10:02So, late at night, the guy declares "I can't take it any more, I'm as horny as hell,"
0:10:02 > 0:10:05and he goes out and he rides the camel.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08He comes back in and he goes, "Well, that's the best we can do."
0:10:08 > 0:10:11And the man says, "Well, actually, when I said 'We've got the camels',
0:10:11 > 0:10:13"we normally ride them into town."
0:10:13 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Very good.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Anybody else got any camel jokes?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- No.- Excellent. - They are dromedaries, aren't they?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Those are dromedaries, and how can you tell?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Because they have two humps.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31No, because they have one hump.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Oh. Oh, I thought the robots were sitting between the humps.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35It does look a bit like that. No.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Bactrian camels with two humps are incredibly rare,
0:10:38 > 0:10:42- especially in the wild. That's a Bactrian on the left.- Oh, yes.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45You find them in Mongolia and in China, and there are probably
0:10:45 > 0:10:47not much more than 1,000 left in the wild.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49They had them at the zoo when I was a kid
0:10:49 > 0:10:51cos that's the sort I've been on.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53That's what we think of as a proper camel, a two-humped camel.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56In fact, it only had one hump, then I sat on it
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- and it looked like... - LAUGHTER
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Oh, nonsense!
0:10:59 > 0:11:03So, there's another sport associated with camels in another country.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Are you familiar with it?
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Smoking?
0:11:06 > 0:11:10There is Camel smoking, that is unquestionably...
0:11:10 > 0:11:15- I wouldn't say a sport, but it's an occupation.- It's sport to me!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17It is a physical sport involving the camels.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Water polo?
0:11:18 > 0:11:22No, it doesn't involve humans. It only involves the camels.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Chess?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I sometimes... I look at you and I wonder where these things grow,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32where they come from, what's going on.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34It'd just be nice to see, wouldn't it?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37It would be fantastic to see camels playing chess.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38"Checkmate."
0:11:38 > 0:11:41"Thirsty? Me neither."
0:11:41 > 0:11:44"Let's go again."
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Um, we have to go to Turkey
0:11:46 > 0:11:48and in Turkey, they have two males and a female
0:11:48 > 0:11:52- and as often happens with mammals... - Three-legged races!
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- It wouldn't be three-legged, would it?- No.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57You've got two males and a female
0:11:57 > 0:11:59and that tends to make the two males fight,
0:11:59 > 0:12:01so you then take the female away
0:12:01 > 0:12:04and you have camel wrestling. It's a Turkish sport.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06It's a kind of wrestling they do.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10- They kind of push each other over. - It does look enormously popular. Look at the crowds.- Yes!
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- That's good numbers for camel wrestling.- It's incredibly popular.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15This is given to me as if it's unusual,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18but I suppose maybe it is, maybe it's just me.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20When they're in the mood for sex,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23they urinate, use their tails to swish urine onto their own back,
0:12:23 > 0:12:27froth at the mouth, spit and dribble. Isn't that usual?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29LAUGHTER
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Also our hind feathers flare
0:12:33 > 0:12:35and we stamp.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39That's right. Apparently, it seems they deliberately waste water
0:12:39 > 0:12:41by this urinating and frothing and dribbling
0:12:41 > 0:12:45as a way of showing their superiority, because obviously,
0:12:45 > 0:12:50water conservation is what they're all about as desert animals.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Anyway, why does Joe Camel like Nosmo King?
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- # Hit me! #- Whoa!
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Joe Camel was the mascot for Camel cigarettes.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Yes. There he is. Old Joe.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04There's old Joe up there.
0:13:04 > 0:13:10And Nosmo King was a British vaudeville act in the 1930s
0:13:10 > 0:13:14and I think, obviously Nosmo King is "No Smoking".
0:13:14 > 0:13:16That's right. He saw two doors.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Once said "nosmo", one said "king"
0:13:18 > 0:13:21and when they closed in the theatre, it said "no smoking".
0:13:21 > 0:13:26He wasn't tended to call himself Fi Reexit or something else that...
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Emerge Ncyexit!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31No, he wasn't any of those.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- It was in the 1920s, as you said, then the '30s...- Toi Let.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Roy Alcircle.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43But you haven't actually answered my question,
0:13:43 > 0:13:47- which is why would Joe Camel- like- Nosmo King?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- He'd like...- You'd think he'd dislike him.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53Because Nosmo King used to be sponsored by Camel tobacco.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56No. Joe Camel and cigarette manufacturers
0:13:56 > 0:13:59would like something that said, "No Smoking".
0:13:59 > 0:14:01It makes you think of smoking.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Yes! What psychiatrists have found
0:14:04 > 0:14:06is that "No Smoking" signs make people want a cigarette.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09It makes you feel rebellious.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Not just rebellious, it puts it into your head.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- It reminds me...- Putting signs up saying, "No Smoking"
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- is something that makes people want to smoke.- Reminds me of the tube.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- It worked very well with that bloke. - Worked very well with him!
0:14:20 > 0:14:24The fact is, anyway, the sign, "No Smoking" makes people want to smoke
0:14:24 > 0:14:27so that's why Joe Camel would like Nosmo King.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29That's a rather complex way of putting it.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- Now, which one of you can imitate an expectant jackrabbit?- # Hit me! #
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Yeah, wow! That's quick. - It's a kind of hare, a jackrabbit.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40It is a hare. It's American for "hare", basically.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43It's an American hare, yeah. But the female jackrabbit,
0:14:43 > 0:14:44when she gives birth to her young,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46makes no attempt to suckle them
0:14:46 > 0:14:49and they are just left to... forage for their own.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50So she's a bad mother.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54- Daily Mail is going to go crazy with this.- I would imitate her like that, with a fag.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- I guess.- What you say may be true,
0:14:58 > 0:15:04but there is something more extraordinarily true about the pregnancy of the female jackrabbit.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07And this was something that was suggested by Aristotle.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I know how you love to have an Ancient Greek...
0:15:10 > 0:15:12I'm distracted by that rabbit being fisted in the background.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- LAUGHTER - Absolutely.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18I don't know who did our little silhouette.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19It's not entirely successful.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23It's a good effort and we thank them for it, but Aristotle suggested
0:15:23 > 0:15:28that hares could get pregnant when they were already pregnant,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30- which in most mammals... - LAUGHTER
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Isn't that rather sweet?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I think you'll agree, is a bit peculiar.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Aristotle thought of it, and he was scoffed by scientists
0:15:37 > 0:15:38until very, very recently,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41it was discovered that he was absolutely right!
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- It was discovered in Berlin. - Cats do this.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45A male hare... Cats?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Cats do do this, yeah.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- A cat can have... - Impregnated by more than one tom.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Yeah, we have two cats and they have the same mother, but different fathers.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55And humans even can.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58There were twins born in 2010, in Arkansas, conceived two weeks apart.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01They were actually conceived at different times.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05So one egg was fertilised, then another, so they could have had different fathers.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Twins with different fathers - it's a weird idea.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11All this is recently new knowledge, but Aristotle was spot on.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13It's known as "superfecundation",
0:16:13 > 0:16:15when two different ova are fertilised in the same cycle.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16Aww!
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- Or it's superconception... "Aw, the little fluffy bunnies!" - LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:26So, complete the phrase, "Pregnant mothers should eat..."
0:16:26 > 0:16:27- JO:- Loads.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29LAUGHTER
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Erm... Burgers...
0:16:32 > 0:16:35The equivalent of two slices of bread extra per day,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37and no more is necessary.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41That's probably about right and that's only in the third trimester.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43The fact is, the idea that you should eat for two,
0:16:43 > 0:16:45which you managed to avoid, is nonsense.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49A pregnant woman should eat no more than she normally eats.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51She might have changes in appetite.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Did you have any particular dietary desires when you were pregnant?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I gnawed my husband's leg occasionally.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59And that was unusual?
0:16:59 > 0:17:00LAUGHTER
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Not as far as our marriage was concerned.- That's what I mean.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05So did you have any peculiar appetites that were
0:17:05 > 0:17:07specifically related to pregnancy?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- No, I was very boring, I didn't, really.- No sort of coal?
0:17:10 > 0:17:15They say that you only want to eat coal if you're lacking vitamins, don't they?
0:17:15 > 0:17:20- Certainly, exactly.- So, no-one eats coal any more.- So you were obviously not lacking anything.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- My mother smoked my father's pipe. - Could she not get her own pipe(?)
0:17:24 > 0:17:26LAUGHTER Your poor father.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30- It was her pregnancy that made her want to do it? - Yeah. She just loved pipe tobacco.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- God, that's extraordinary.- Yeah.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36There's no more beautiful image of motherhood than a pregnant woman smoking a pipe(!)
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Just the essentials of nature(!)
0:17:38 > 0:17:41A woman going...
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Then tapping it out on the table, and then digging a little bit out.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47I thought you were going to say, "Tapping it out on her belly."
0:17:49 > 0:17:52When I got pregnant, my grandma said to me,
0:17:52 > 0:17:53"Oh, eating for two, are we?"
0:17:53 > 0:17:56And I went, "Bog off, I'm not cutting down."
0:17:56 > 0:17:58LAUGHTER
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Anyway, moving on...
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- What have they done to the javelin to improve it?- # Hit me! #
0:18:05 > 0:18:09- John, you've got to stop answering every question.- Sorry!
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Let the others get in!
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- I'm sorry to be a bore.- No, you're not being a bore. It's fine.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I like enthusiasm.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19It's just like a little puppy shagging a sapling.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20- ALAN'S BUZZER - Thank you.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24- Alan.- Didn't they change the javelin because they were throwing it too far?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- Yes! That's the point. - Were they in danger of hitting
0:18:26 > 0:18:30the long-distance runners on the other side of the stadium?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32You don't want them to be able to throw it further than 100 metres
0:18:32 > 0:18:36and what kept happening was that they just got better and better
0:18:36 > 0:18:39and there was a particular technique called the Spanish technique
0:18:39 > 0:18:41which involved spinning your body round
0:18:41 > 0:18:44like a discus thrower or a hammer thrower
0:18:44 > 0:18:46and Miguel de la Quadra Salcedo
0:18:46 > 0:18:50threw a javelin 112 metres using this system,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52so it was outlawed by the IAAF.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56If you spear one of the judges and he staggers backwards...
0:18:56 > 0:18:58LAUGHTER
0:18:58 > 0:19:01..and is taken into an ambulance and driven to hospital,
0:19:01 > 0:19:03the record's going to be about five miles!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I think you're right!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08That was their problem. Their problem was simply safety,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10especially with this Spanish style of spinning
0:19:10 > 0:19:12because if it went out of control,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15there was no net like with the hammer, you could spear anybody,
0:19:15 > 0:19:19so they banned the spinning business, the turning round.
0:19:19 > 0:19:24But then javelin makers used special paint and dimples to improve the aerodynamic nature,
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- so again, they had to ban that. - Like with a golf ball?
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- I was actually a javelin champion when I was at school.- Were you?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I was, but I slightly ruined my career
0:19:33 > 0:19:35because on the last sports day,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I was in the toilets having a fag
0:19:38 > 0:19:40and I was using Swan Vestas
0:19:40 > 0:19:44and I blew it out and put it back in the box while it was still alight
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- and it blew up in my hand.- Ouch.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49And so I had to throw the javelin with my left hand
0:19:49 > 0:19:51and it went about three foot.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55- Oh, dear!- They should make them throw underarm. That would be good.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58That would certainly make a difference. At the moment...
0:19:58 > 0:20:01At the moment, all these things have been banned,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03all these dimples, all the special paint
0:20:03 > 0:20:05but they'll have to make the javelin worse again soon
0:20:05 > 0:20:10because the world record now, with the current javelin,
0:20:10 > 0:20:12is 98.48 metres. It's really close to the maximum.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Is there a standard javelin they all use? It's not like they arrive at the stadium...
0:20:16 > 0:20:18They ought, presumably, to allow people,
0:20:18 > 0:20:20force people to take one at random.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Everyone puts a javelin in and everyone takes a javelin out.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Like a billiard cue or something,
0:20:24 > 0:20:26but I will give you points if you can tell me,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29as far as the javelin is concerned,
0:20:29 > 0:20:35almost exactly a third of all javelin medals awarded since 1908
0:20:35 > 0:20:38have gone to competitors from three countries.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- JOHN:- Finland.- Keep going.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- Czechoslovakia.- Poland.- Bulgaria. The United Kingdom.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47No, it's weird. You should have stayed where you were with Finland
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- because the others, it was Norway and Sweden.- Oh, really?
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Scandiwegia, is the answer.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Just, for some reason, they seem to be very good at throwing sticks.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57There you are. Very good.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59So, now,
0:20:59 > 0:21:01which should you avoid going to bed with,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04a jactitator or a jactitator?
0:21:04 > 0:21:05The second one.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07LAUGHTER
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Why?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Erm...because...
0:21:12 > 0:21:15it means, um...
0:21:15 > 0:21:18someone that wiggles about a lot.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- Yes!- Oh, does it?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:26 > 0:21:28The official name for it is Willis-Ekbom disease,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30also known as "restlessness",
0:21:30 > 0:21:32or particularly, "restless leg syndrome."
0:21:32 > 0:21:35That's one meaning of "jactitation".
0:21:35 > 0:21:36- The other...- Yes, the other is?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40..is speaking unpleasantly of somebody?
0:21:40 > 0:21:44No, nice that you're trying and don't be put off.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45LAUGHTER
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I still want to see that puppy shagging that sapling,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50but it's a very specific...
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I won't say "crime", exactly.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55it's a malfeasance, possibly, it's a wrongdoing that people do.
0:21:55 > 0:22:00- And that is to maintain that you're married to someone when you aren't.- That's right.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02You are so angry, because...
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Wow, you're angry.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08If a man says, "Oh, yes, she's my wife, we're married,"
0:22:08 > 0:22:11she goes, "No, we're not," you can go to court
0:22:11 > 0:22:14and your remedy is a suit of jactitation of marriage,
0:22:14 > 0:22:19in which you ask the court to declare you are not married to the person who is claiming that you are.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Is the "jactitation" the denying of the marriage,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25or is it the maintaining you're still married when you're not?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28A "jactitator" is one who claims to be married to you when they aren't.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31So "Ding-dong," "Darling I'm home!" "You're not married to me."
0:22:31 > 0:22:32LAUGHTER
0:22:32 > 0:22:37- The bad guy is the "ding-dong," "Darling, I'm home!" in this situation?- Exactly.- Stop doing this!
0:22:37 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER
0:22:38 > 0:22:41So I could take you to court, because you never stop...
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Saying that we are married. But we're married in comedy, Alan.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- We're married in comedy. - There you go again.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Comedy. Comedy and erotic love, those two, surely...
0:22:51 > 0:22:52- Do you...- Hello!
0:22:52 > 0:22:56Do you know what the opposite is? Cos my husband often says he's NOT married to me.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:03- What's that called?- Shame. - Embarrassment.- "Embarrassment"!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06On the subject of twitchy legs,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08why do we dance around
0:23:08 > 0:23:10when we need a pee, why do we do that?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12LAUGHTER
0:23:12 > 0:23:16To try and keep it moving so it doesn't come out of the pipe?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19No, the odd thing is, it is the worst thing to do.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23If you really want not to pee, keep as still as possible.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Clench the end of your cock incredibly hard?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28LAUGHTER
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I've tried that, but it doesn't work.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35I've found it best to get someone else to do that.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37A full bladder creates a...
0:23:37 > 0:23:39"Tie a knot in it". "ANOTHER one?!"
0:23:39 > 0:23:43A full bladder creates a sense of urgency in the mind
0:23:43 > 0:23:47and the conflict between the desire to take action and relieve the stress
0:23:47 > 0:23:49and the fact that circumstances don't permit it
0:23:49 > 0:23:54is translated into various rhythmic displacement behaviours.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Was it Enoch Powell who used to say,
0:23:55 > 0:23:59"I always speak when I'm dying for a piss, because I do much more..."
0:23:59 > 0:24:00It lends urgency.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Yes, and David Cameron thought he was going to have a crack at it,
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- didn't he?- Oh, did he?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- Mm.- Oh, well, no wonder...
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Wet himself.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- So, during Enoch Powell's famous Rivers of Blood speech... - "Rivers of piss" speech.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- Every time he said, "Rivers of..." he'd go... - HE GROANS
0:24:18 > 0:24:19- "Aah!" - LAUGHTER
0:24:19 > 0:24:21That poor fellow.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25I do think those urinals should be done on an obvious demand,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28because the guy at the end seems very relaxed about it, but, man,
0:24:28 > 0:24:29the guy number three, really...
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- Whoa! He's desperate. - ..needs to go very soon.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34There's a perfectly good tree, just there.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35LAUGHTER
0:24:35 > 0:24:37It's probably a pop festival, so half of them
0:24:37 > 0:24:40are actually wanting to go and ingest drugs rather than urinate.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42That's the thing.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45"M'lud, they're probably horsing the speed, m'lud."
0:24:45 > 0:24:46LAUGHTER
0:24:46 > 0:24:49"They're smacking themselves with skank!"
0:24:49 > 0:24:52"I know all the words, oh yes." All right.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Who gets most use from Jacobson's organ?
0:24:55 > 0:24:56# Money! #
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Mrs Jacobson gets most use...
0:24:59 > 0:25:01KLAXON SOUNDS
0:25:01 > 0:25:03APPLAUSE # Hit me! #
0:25:04 > 0:25:08All right. It's your turn now, John.
0:25:08 > 0:25:13Jacobson's organ enables, particularly lions and deer,
0:25:13 > 0:25:18to chemically detect the pheromones in creatures of the opposite sex.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- In lionesses, or...- Not just creatures of the opposite sex, but also prey and predators.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Prey and predators.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Yes. It's an organ. You see it in snakes,
0:25:27 > 0:25:30lions, it's not just related to mammals,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33but it's a patch of specialised skin on the roof of the mouth.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Many vertebrates have it, including humans. We have it.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Oh, yes, we do.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Unfortunately, we seem to have lost the use of it.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43But snakes and lizards can tell
0:25:43 > 0:25:48when an ant has been present a week earlier...
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- just by using that. - Well, how useful's that?!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Well, it can tell them when it comes back again.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- "An ant was here a week ago"(!) - It might be.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- LAUGHTER - That's really improved my life(!)
0:25:58 > 0:26:01And they think, "Aw, I'd love an ant now!"
0:26:01 > 0:26:03"No, it was last week."
0:26:03 > 0:26:09But in the case of horses, giraffes, camels, zebras, big animals...
0:26:09 > 0:26:12when they do it, there's an expression you've probably seen them pull,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15where they almost turn their face inside out and stop breathing.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18That's in order to get the chemicals onto their Jacob...
0:26:18 > 0:26:21"An ant! There's been an ant!
0:26:21 > 0:26:24"There's been an ant in this stable, last Tuesday!"
0:26:24 > 0:26:26LAUGHTER
0:26:26 > 0:26:29APPLAUSE
0:26:33 > 0:26:36In their case, it's less likely to be an ant
0:26:36 > 0:26:37than there was female or a male
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- or a predator or a prey. - Makes them look gorgeous(!)
0:26:40 > 0:26:41It's a funny old look, isn't it?
0:26:41 > 0:26:46The one in the middle has had its hair styled by someone from Girls Aloud!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- LAUGHTER - I think they're rather fun.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51He's had the GHDs on that!
0:26:51 > 0:26:53A rather fetching Emma Bunton look, I thought.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57- Rather touching little bangs. - LAUGHTER
0:26:57 > 0:27:00So, what could be as good as spending eight hours
0:27:00 > 0:27:02- sitting on the lavatory? - Oh, very little.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07What could be as good as sitting for eight hours on the lavatory?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09With the seat up or down?
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Sitting with the seat down, I think, probably.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14In terms of evacuating yourself?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17No, you're not actually pooing for eight hours.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Sitting on the lavatory for eight hours, you're expanding calories.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- Are you?- Just by sitting on the loo.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24This is not recommended in any of the books.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- With this, we are all losing weight now.- We're burning calories.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Plus of course, we're using our brains,
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- or some of us are using our brains. - LAUGHTER
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Who did you mean by that?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39The fact is, eight hours of sitting on the lavatory
0:27:39 > 0:27:42uses the same calories as one hour of jogging.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44- JOHN:- Good God.- JO:- No!- Yes!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Right, I'm off.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49It doesn't have to be a lavatory. Pretend you're on the lavatory,
0:27:49 > 0:27:51unless you want to go for a jog.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Unless you really are pushing, you're really heaving...
0:27:54 > 0:27:58If you are, as they used to say, straining at stool. Yes.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Now, that takes some clenching.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Unclench, clench, unclench. That'll be good for you.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04But eight hours, that's too much.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07You'll have a sphincter that could grab onto a pool cue
0:28:07 > 0:28:10and I don't know what you could do with a sphincter that could do that.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Don't go any further. You've gone far enough.
0:28:13 > 0:28:14- Can I go further?- Please do.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Well, a friend of mine used to work
0:28:16 > 0:28:19as a nursing assistant in a home for elderly people
0:28:19 > 0:28:22and there was one very old guy, I think he was about 95,
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- and he was really constipated. - Poor soul.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28So they gave him a massive dose of laxatives
0:28:28 > 0:28:33and he was kind of left on the loo to see what would happen,
0:28:33 > 0:28:37and this friend of mine swears this is true,
0:28:37 > 0:28:39and he said that when he came back,
0:28:39 > 0:28:42this bloke was lying on the floor
0:28:42 > 0:28:44and the reason he'd fallen off the toilet
0:28:44 > 0:28:48was cos he had done such a big poo, it had levered him off.
0:28:49 > 0:28:50Oh, my God!
0:28:52 > 0:28:55It's a charming story and I love it, and...
0:28:55 > 0:28:59You not getting any cardiovascular work, are you, sitting on the loo?
0:28:59 > 0:29:03- It's not aerobically efficient, no. - Plenty more where that came from.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05There was a man who had a light bulb screwed up his arse
0:29:05 > 0:29:07and this was mentioned to Alan Bennett
0:29:07 > 0:29:10and Alan Bennett said, "What wattage?"
0:29:11 > 0:29:14Where did modern jogging as a mass movement begin?
0:29:14 > 0:29:17Jim Fixx in the 1960s, was it?
0:29:17 > 0:29:20No, you're right, he was the first American to make it popular
0:29:20 > 0:29:22- but there was actually... - ALAN'S BUZZER
0:29:22 > 0:29:24- Yes?- Forrest Gump.- No!
0:29:24 > 0:29:29- That is Jim Fixx. - (ALABAMA ACCENT) "Run, Forrest, run!"
0:29:29 > 0:29:33That is Jim Fixx, who was the man who popularised jogging in America
0:29:33 > 0:29:35but who died of a heart attack while jogging.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38That fixed it for Jim!
0:29:38 > 0:29:42It did. The man who actually gets the credit for starting it
0:29:42 > 0:29:45is a man called Arthur Lydiard, a New Zealander in the early '60s.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48The police would see people running in tracksuits
0:29:48 > 0:29:49and they would stop them
0:29:49 > 0:29:52and it was just an odd sight. It had never been seen before.
0:29:52 > 0:29:56- Now we take it for granted. - Suspicious activity. - Especially in New Zealand,
0:29:56 > 0:29:58people jogging all over the place, very outdoorsy place,
0:29:58 > 0:30:01but then, yes, they were constantly being arrested.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03The father of utilitarianism -
0:30:03 > 0:30:07who would you describe as the father of utilitarianism?
0:30:07 > 0:30:08- Jeremy Bentham?- Jeremy Bentham.
0:30:08 > 0:30:13- He's stuffed.- He is.- London University.- They've taken him out. - The University College, yes.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15- They removed him, didn't they? - He's in a box.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17Now you have to make an appointment to see him.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19- Yes, because people kept stealing him.- They did!
0:30:19 > 0:30:22I didn't know. I did a debate as a student in London University
0:30:22 > 0:30:24and I was walking around the corridors,
0:30:24 > 0:30:27trying to get the thing ready in my head, and I just walked in...
0:30:27 > 0:30:29I saw this box in the middle of a corridor.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31It's not like there's a big sign...
0:30:31 > 0:30:34- No, and he's dressed.- ..going, "Body in a box, body in a box!"
0:30:34 > 0:30:36You just see this little cupboard
0:30:36 > 0:30:39and you look in and there's, like...
0:30:39 > 0:30:41a dead man looking at you.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44One of the most brilliant men of his age, of course.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48Jeremy Bentham and James Mill used their utilitarian hypotheses...
0:30:48 > 0:30:50- On John Stuart Mill. - ..on John Stuart.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53- James Mill was John Stuart Mill's father.- I see.
0:30:53 > 0:30:58And he and Bentham sort of bombarded poor John Stuart Mill as a child
0:30:58 > 0:31:00with facts, so by the age of four,
0:31:00 > 0:31:03he could speak Greek and Latin
0:31:03 > 0:31:07and in his teens, he had an appalling breakdown
0:31:07 > 0:31:10as a result of this forced knowledge feeding,
0:31:10 > 0:31:14and the only thing that brought him back to sanity
0:31:14 > 0:31:17was reading the poetry of Wordsworth and Coleridge, apparently.
0:31:17 > 0:31:21- That's so like my own life.- Yes! - LAUGHTER
0:31:21 > 0:31:23I thought it was only me.
0:31:23 > 0:31:27I just have to do a story that's worse than the poo story.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30- Go on, then.- Well, it's to do with pranks at medical school.
0:31:30 > 0:31:32- Oh, lovely.- My flatmate,
0:31:32 > 0:31:35they had a girl in their group at medical school who was very annoying
0:31:35 > 0:31:38so they decided to play a trick on her, so basically,
0:31:38 > 0:31:41they got a hand from the lab
0:31:41 > 0:31:43- and put it on her pillow... - Oh, God.
0:31:43 > 0:31:47..in their student digs, and then they all hid in the kitchen
0:31:47 > 0:31:49and she came in from a night out, went into her room
0:31:49 > 0:31:53and they expected that she'd open the door and go, "Wah!" like that,
0:31:53 > 0:31:56and then they would all go in there and point and laugh
0:31:56 > 0:31:58and she went in there
0:31:58 > 0:32:01and for ages, there was just complete silence
0:32:01 > 0:32:04and they thought, "Oh, dear, God, what's going on?"
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Please, God, no, not what I think it is.
0:32:06 > 0:32:07LAUGHTER
0:32:07 > 0:32:10I hope you're not thinking what I'm thinking, Alan.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13Please, let's not...
0:32:13 > 0:32:18- Anyway...- Did she ball it into a fist?- No, no! Don't!
0:32:18 > 0:32:21And then couldn't get it out!
0:32:21 > 0:32:23We're all thinking... It must be the wrong thing.
0:32:23 > 0:32:27No, so they went into the room and she was sitting on the bed eating it.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29- Eating it?!- No!
0:32:29 > 0:32:30Oh, that's even worse!
0:32:30 > 0:32:31- I know.- Oh!
0:32:31 > 0:32:34I'm sorry to have to tell you, but that's absolutely true.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36Why was she eating it?
0:32:36 > 0:32:38- She was hungry!- Because...yeah.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40Why? What? "She was hungry?"
0:32:40 > 0:32:42That's like, I'm hungry right now.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45I'm not eating your hand!
0:32:45 > 0:32:48Oh, Lord. Well, yeah. OK, how did we get there? Oh, yes.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50We were talking about jogging, weren't we?
0:32:50 > 0:32:53Then we were talking about the stuffing of Jeremy Bentham.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56Anyway, he invented a kind of trotting jog
0:32:56 > 0:32:59that he called ante-prandial circumgyration...
0:32:59 > 0:33:01- Oh, for fuck's sake. - ..which was his way...
0:33:01 > 0:33:03How annoying of him to be intelligent.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06- Yes, very annoying.- If only everybody were really stupid.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08It's not annoying of him to be intelligent.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11- It's quite annoying of us to be a bit thick.- Ah, now,
0:33:11 > 0:33:15don't be. Celebrate the glory of Jeremy Bentham. He was one of our greatest men.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18However, jogging is apparently very good for the memory. It does seem
0:33:18 > 0:33:22that a few days of running can lead to the growth
0:33:22 > 0:33:24of hundreds of thousands of new brain cells
0:33:24 > 0:33:25in the memory-forming part of the brain.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28I'm getting off the toilet and going back to jogging.
0:33:28 > 0:33:32Yes, but you can also reproduce that by lying on a mechanised table
0:33:32 > 0:33:35that shakes the body several times a second
0:33:35 > 0:33:38- and that will also increase your memory.- What are those things?
0:33:38 > 0:33:40Those things you stand on that vibrate really quickly.
0:33:40 > 0:33:45- Oh, those plates.- Yes, those are fun.- Little plates.- Th-th-th-th.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47I think you sounded like B-Bruce Forsyth, then.
0:33:47 > 0:33:48LAUGHTER
0:33:48 > 0:33:51Yes, it's a Forsythificator.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54- Well, let's face it... - Very nice to see you!
0:33:54 > 0:33:56An evening here without Bruce Forsyth or Ken Dodd...
0:33:56 > 0:33:59- Oh, you've got a good Ken Dodd story, haven't you?- Oh, gosh.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01Tell me your Ken Dodd story.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03Um, a broadcaster of some description
0:34:03 > 0:34:06went to interview a politician, British politician,
0:34:06 > 0:34:11and he saw this wonderful picture, as he perceived, of Ken Dodd
0:34:11 > 0:34:15on the wall, and the politician came in,
0:34:15 > 0:34:17and the guy said, "Oh, that's wonderful, Ken Dodd,
0:34:17 > 0:34:20"I mean, he's just one of the greatest, greatest comedians
0:34:20 > 0:34:22"this country has ever produced,"
0:34:22 > 0:34:25and the man said, "Do you mind? That's my wife."
0:34:25 > 0:34:27LAUGHTER
0:34:29 > 0:34:32- I want to know who the politician is!- I want to know, too.
0:34:32 > 0:34:33Whose wife looks like Ken Dodd!
0:34:33 > 0:34:35It's true.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38"My wife, or Doddy, as I call her."
0:34:38 > 0:34:42"What a fine day, what a fine day to marry a politician!"
0:34:42 > 0:34:46Then in came the children. # "We are the Diddymen..." #
0:34:49 > 0:34:51The little Diddymen!
0:34:51 > 0:34:53Oh, my God.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56Anyway, eight hours on the loo
0:34:56 > 0:34:59burns as many calories as an hour's jogging.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01So, what does a cockroach find absolutely disgusting?
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Jeremy Kyle. LAUGHTER
0:35:04 > 0:35:08- Yes!- Yes?- Is the right answer!
0:35:08 > 0:35:11Because Jeremy Kyle - almost, but he does count - is a human being, right?
0:35:11 > 0:35:15We don't like cockroaches and cockroaches don't like us.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18If they see us, they not only run away, as soon as possible,
0:35:18 > 0:35:21they wash themselves after they've been touched by us.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23They find us revolting.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26I used to live in a flat when I was a student nurse
0:35:26 > 0:35:30and it was absolutely inundated with cockroaches.
0:35:30 > 0:35:36And one night, I came home from the pub and I'd left the telly on,
0:35:36 > 0:35:40and there were two cockroaches sitting on the settee, watching telly.
0:35:40 > 0:35:41Wow.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43They were looking at the telly kind of going, "Werr..."
0:35:43 > 0:35:45Was it a documentary about insects?
0:35:45 > 0:35:47It was Jeremy Kyle.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49LAUGHTER
0:35:49 > 0:35:52- So they like Jeremy Kyle? - No, there were people
0:35:52 > 0:35:55- in whatever they were watching. - They really don't like people.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58But also, as well, I was once painting the ceiling
0:35:58 > 0:36:01in the flat and a cockroach actually fell in my mouth.
0:36:01 > 0:36:02ALL: Oh!
0:36:02 > 0:36:05Cockroaches are everywhere, aren't they?
0:36:05 > 0:36:08In hospitals, particularly, anywhere where there's sort of...
0:36:08 > 0:36:10I mean, it's a huge...
0:36:10 > 0:36:12I once went into a hospital kitchen at night
0:36:12 > 0:36:14and turned the light on and for a split second,
0:36:14 > 0:36:17the entire floor was brown. And then it was white.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20It's just astonishing. And then they disappear.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22And they don't do that much damage, and yet they do repulse us.
0:36:22 > 0:36:26And the point is, we repulse them, hence they disappeared so quickly.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28But there is something that they must hate even more,
0:36:28 > 0:36:32and this is a real test for anybody who's sung,
0:36:32 > 0:36:35"All things bright and beautiful, the good Lord made them all,"
0:36:35 > 0:36:38because He also made some things not very bright and beautiful,
0:36:38 > 0:36:41and one of the least bright and beautiful things imaginable,
0:36:41 > 0:36:45which is a parasitic wasp that has the most extraordinary life cycle.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47They're called jewel wasps,
0:36:47 > 0:36:49because they're faintly jewel-coloured.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52They go up to the cockroach.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55They then impart a sting into its brain
0:36:55 > 0:36:57which turns it into a sort of zombie.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59It doesn't kill it.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01But it kind of makes it... "Errh."
0:37:01 > 0:37:04And they then saw off one of its antennae,
0:37:04 > 0:37:09and uses the other one as a lead... literally, and pulls it to its nest.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12There it's leading it, it's now pulling it.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15- As you see, it's much smaller than the cockroach.- Good God!
0:37:15 > 0:37:19This poor cockroach, I'm afraid, will have a pretty miserable time.
0:37:19 > 0:37:21He then gets packed into the nest...
0:37:21 > 0:37:26and then he lays eggs inside.
0:37:26 > 0:37:30And the baby wasp is born in,
0:37:30 > 0:37:32and eats the cockroach alive
0:37:32 > 0:37:36from the inside, in a very special order, to keep the cockroach alive.
0:37:36 > 0:37:40Because cockroach meat goes off very quickly and it's very warm.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43And that is the life cycle of the jewel wasp.
0:37:43 > 0:37:48Now, if you ask me that if there's a benign, divine God
0:37:48 > 0:37:52who looks down on creation and loves it all, you just ask him
0:37:52 > 0:37:56how the hell he came up with something so cruel,
0:37:56 > 0:37:58so unpleasant, so vile.
0:37:58 > 0:38:03Only evolution could cause that kind of horrible life cycle
0:38:03 > 0:38:05for the cockroach.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08I mean, it's a pretty grim business. So, there you go.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11I thought I'd leave you with that charming thought(!)
0:38:11 > 0:38:15- If only you could do that with Piers Morgan.- Yes, oh!
0:38:15 > 0:38:16APPLAUSE
0:38:20 > 0:38:21STEPHEN LAUGHS
0:38:23 > 0:38:25- A very pleasing thought.- Very good.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27Here's a simple question. Why are we all such arseholes?
0:38:27 > 0:38:30LAUGHTER
0:38:30 > 0:38:33Well, I'm contractually obliged. LAUGHTER
0:38:33 > 0:38:38Well, let me say that there are two types of living creature.
0:38:38 > 0:38:42There are protostomes and deuterostomes.
0:38:42 > 0:38:46"Stoma" is the Greek for "mouth".
0:38:46 > 0:38:50If you're a protostome, when you are just developing as an egg,
0:38:50 > 0:38:54and dividing and turning into what will become a lovely little person,
0:38:54 > 0:39:00protostomes start at the mouth and then grow outwards.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03But humans... we start as an arsehole.
0:39:03 > 0:39:07We are deuterostomes, because we're "second mouths".
0:39:07 > 0:39:10We start as a bottom and then work outwards.
0:39:10 > 0:39:15So we begin as arseholes. We all begin as little botties.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18It's a rather nice thing to know, it puts us all on an equal footing.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20Next time you look at George Osborne
0:39:20 > 0:39:22saying something grand about the economy,
0:39:22 > 0:39:25say, "You started life, and continued life, as an arsehole."
0:39:25 > 0:39:28- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - So, there you are.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33Now, this is very exciting,
0:39:33 > 0:39:36because we have a very special finale tonight.
0:39:36 > 0:39:39Tonight, entirely alone, without the aid of a safety net,
0:39:39 > 0:39:44I am going to do something that has never been done by any human being
0:39:44 > 0:39:47since the beginning of time.
0:39:47 > 0:39:48AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:39:48 > 0:39:50- Yes!- Rash claim.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52And all I need is...this.
0:39:52 > 0:39:53"A simple pack o' cards!" No.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56All I need is, indeed,
0:39:56 > 0:39:58a simple pack of cards.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01What I'm going to do is shuffle them. I'll shuffle this pack.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03There are different ways of shuffling, as you know,
0:40:03 > 0:40:05there's the overhand shuffle...
0:40:05 > 0:40:08- Shut up!- ..like that.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10There is your standard riffle,
0:40:10 > 0:40:11which just...riffle
0:40:11 > 0:40:14- and push the cards together. - ALAN APPLAUDS
0:40:14 > 0:40:16Everyone can do that... Wait, wait! I haven't come to it yet.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19And then there's the weave, which is rather more pleasing.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21Some people can do a weave that's so accurate,
0:40:21 > 0:40:25they actually go A-B-B, A-B, A-B, A-B, like that.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27And there, that gives you a nice little fan, like so.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29It's a beautiful thing.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32And now I have produced a pack of cards...
0:40:32 > 0:40:36and that pack of cards, ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not,
0:40:36 > 0:40:40has never before, in the history of our planet, been in that order.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43It's never been in that order before.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45How can you possibly know that?
0:40:45 > 0:40:48How can we know that? It's a simple mathematical fact.
0:40:48 > 0:40:53The order of cards is a gigantic number.
0:40:53 > 0:40:57It's a number which is known by mathematicians as "shriek".
0:40:57 > 0:41:00You write it as "52!" You'll know this.
0:41:00 > 0:41:0252 factorial.
0:41:02 > 0:41:08It's 52 factorial, which is 52 times 51, times 50, times 49, times 48...
0:41:08 > 0:41:13These are all the possibilities in which a pack of cards can be.
0:41:13 > 0:41:17Just 52 of them. And that number is big. It's this big.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19Look how big this number is.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22That number is so big that, were you to imagine
0:41:22 > 0:41:26that if every star in our galaxy had a trillion planets,
0:41:26 > 0:41:29each with a trillion people living on them,
0:41:29 > 0:41:33and each of these people had a trillion pack of cards,
0:41:33 > 0:41:38and somehow they managed to shuffle them all 1,000 times a second,
0:41:38 > 0:41:40and they'd been doing that since The Big Bang,
0:41:40 > 0:41:43they would only just now be starting to repeat shuffles.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45So, I can say,
0:41:45 > 0:41:50with all the mathematical certainty that is possible,
0:41:50 > 0:41:53that this pack of cards has never been in this order before.
0:41:53 > 0:41:57It's an absolute world first!
0:41:57 > 0:41:59Wow, very good.
0:41:59 > 0:42:03APPLAUSE
0:42:04 > 0:42:06I know that seems amazing,
0:42:06 > 0:42:10but that number tells it all. It is astonishing.
0:42:10 > 0:42:11And I have done something, as I say,
0:42:11 > 0:42:14that has never been done by any human being before.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16I've produced this pack of cards in this order.
0:42:16 > 0:42:19And for that I'm going to award myself some points, so there.
0:42:19 > 0:42:24Anyway, that comes to the scores, I think.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27We'll go in reverse order from...
0:42:27 > 0:42:29Well, from last to first.
0:42:29 > 0:42:33It's actually marvellous. We don't have a single minus number.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35We don't even have a zero.
0:42:35 > 0:42:37Everybody's on a plus!
0:42:37 > 0:42:40We have, equal,
0:42:40 > 0:42:42Dara, Jo and Alan with one point.
0:42:42 > 0:42:47APPLAUSE
0:42:49 > 0:42:53In a clear second place, with 16, is John Sessions!
0:42:53 > 0:42:55APPLAUSE
0:42:59 > 0:43:02But the clear winner, with 52 shriek,
0:43:02 > 0:43:0652 times 51, that number you saw, is me!
0:43:06 > 0:43:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:15 > 0:43:19Well, that's all from John, Dara, Jo, Alan and me.
0:43:19 > 0:43:23Thank you, be utterly lovely unto each other, and goodnight.
0:43:23 > 0:43:26APPLAUSE
0:43:45 > 0:43:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd