0:00:30 > 0:00:33Goooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:36 > 0:00:41and welcome to QI, where tonight we are playing for Keeps.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Keeping his eye on the ball, Jason Manford.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Keeping her ear to the ground, Sarah Millican.
0:00:50 > 0:00:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Keeping his nose to the grindstone, Bill Bailey.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:06And keeping his pecker up, in spite of everything, Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:09 > 0:01:14And I'll be keeping the peace, everything on track and the score.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16So, jeepers creepers, let's hear your peepers.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Jason goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:22# Keep on movin'... #
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Sarah goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26# Keep on runnin'
0:01:26 > 0:01:29# Keep on hidin'... #
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Bill goes...
0:01:30 > 0:01:32# Keep on rockin'
0:01:33 > 0:01:35# Keep on rockin'... #
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- Nice. Nice. - And Alan goes...
0:01:39 > 0:01:43# We'll keep a welcome in the hillsides... #
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Nice.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47The voice of your forefathers there, the ancestors, isn't it,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49"keeping a welcome in the hillside," isn't it?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51So, before we start...
0:01:51 > 0:01:55- Were they Pakistanis? - Stop it, stop it. Stop it right now.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57I'm going to lay down the law.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Like Teacher's first day at school -
0:01:59 > 0:02:01he's strict, just so that people are afraid of him.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Yes.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Authority has got to be laid down. I'm not going to have... Right.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Yes. How's that going?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Oh, Sir's trying to get all 'umpty...
0:02:09 > 0:02:10- Yes.- ..before we start.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- WELSH ACCENT: - Mocking my Welsh accent.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17That wasn't even Northern Europe.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: It was from Cape Town.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23A welcome to the valleys in Cardiff.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27It was my acc-ccent. You stop halfway through, isn't it?
0:02:27 > 0:02:28"Isn't it?" Yes.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30You've gone all street now.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"I stop halfway through, innit? Yeah, it's like that."
0:02:33 > 0:02:38- Right, OK. All right. - "Stephen Fry, yeah. QI, that's it."
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Anyway, an easy K series question to start us going.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I still think in pounds and ounces,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48but what unit does modern science use to measure weight?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Kilograms?
0:02:50 > 0:02:51ALARM BLARES
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- GROANING - Oh, come on!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- There you go.- First word! - First word!
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Kilograms, no. What does "kilogram" weigh?
0:02:58 > 0:03:002.2 pounds.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02What does it measure, I meant to say?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- What does the kilogram measure? - Weight.- Weight.- No.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- Water.- Kilograms.- It measures water. - Water.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- No.- Grams.- Rucksacks.- No?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11There are a thousand grams in a kilogram,
0:03:11 > 0:03:12but what is it actually measuring?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- What...?- In my case, a crying lady.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16LAUGHTER
0:03:16 > 0:03:19What quantity - what aspect of a thing or an object does it measure?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Hatred. Hatred and vileness.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Bile. Bile.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Sarcasm. I don't know.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26- No.- Perversion.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28No.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- Mass.- Valium.- Mass! It's mass.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- How many points does he get for that? - A few.- Oh, right.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Yeah. You, I'm afraid, get taken away a few.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- I don't mind. - You're in minus already.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42But you can get your points back if you can tell me what weight is measured in.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44So this is the time I shouldn't say kilograms again?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- Yeah, it doesn't begin with K.- OK. - No.- No.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- Anyone in the audience?- What?
0:03:49 > 0:03:50- AUDIENCE MEMBERS:- Newtons.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53They're good. Our audience is better than the average, let's be honest.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- Newtons is the answer.- Newtons. - I was going to say that!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- You were going to say it? - Say it now, edit. Say it now.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00# Keep on rockin'. #
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Newtons.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05- CHEERING - By the time you said it, they're "old-tons", I'm afraid.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Oh, yeah, I see what you did there.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09No, the weight is the force resulting from gravity of mass,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11and that is how it acts on the earth, is as weight.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- And, of course, it varies according to the amount of gravity. - That's right.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- Which is why it's not a constant. Which is why...- It varies.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19If you're in a lift, even, you weigh slightly less.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22It sounds weird, but it's slightly less when you're dropping,
0:04:22 > 0:04:24and slightly more when you're going up.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26If you stood on scales, if you were using them for weight...
0:04:26 > 0:04:29On the scales in my bathroom, they...
0:04:29 > 0:04:31God bless 'em, workhorses that they are,
0:04:31 > 0:04:32they, um...
0:04:32 > 0:04:34when the batteries start going,
0:04:34 > 0:04:36because it's only got three digits,
0:04:36 > 0:04:39it says...it starts the word "error", so it says "E-R-R".
0:04:39 > 0:04:43But then when you get on it, it just goes, "err".
0:04:43 > 0:04:44"Eeerrrrr!"
0:04:44 > 0:04:47It's like them not really wanting to tell you.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50How much do I weigh? "Err, well...
0:04:52 > 0:04:54"Do you really want to hear this?"
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Then they say, "How much do you usually weigh?"
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I don't have bathroom scales, I've just got kitchen scales.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Well, you could try the...
0:05:03 > 0:05:04But I have measured bits of me on them.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Let me guess which bits. Really?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- The left one's heavier.- Is it?
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- By how much?- Some Newtons.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Very good. Very good.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18What is the bear... The bear's not happy about this, really, is he?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Being weighed in a sack.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23It's like some sort of Arctic WeightWatchers.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- That's why he's not happy. - The fattest bear.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28"I can't believe I've used three points this week already!"
0:05:28 > 0:05:32The bear's going, "It's just me glands, me glands!"
0:05:32 > 0:05:34"I'm big boned!"
0:05:34 > 0:05:35"I'm a bear, come on!"
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- SARAH:- "Let me take my earrings out."
0:05:38 > 0:05:40The kilogram is the only metric measure
0:05:40 > 0:05:42that still relies on a physical object,
0:05:42 > 0:05:47which is called the international prototype kilogram.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49And where do you think it's kept?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Is it kept in the National Physics Laboratory?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53The National Physical Laboratory. No, it isn't.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- The Queen. The Queen has it? - There is a replica of it in the National Physical Laboratory.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- Here is... - Geneva. Everything's in Geneva.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01There you go.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Do we have Ian Robinson from the National Physical Laboratory?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07He's raising his hand. Hello. This belongs to you, yes?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09IAN: It belongs to NPL, yes.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13And this is a replica of the original IPK, yeah?
0:06:13 > 0:06:14It's the same size,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17but it weighs 400g, rather than a kilogram.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- Weighs or has mass of...? - Its mass is 400g.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Don't make me a liar.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24And this is what's inside the case.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26It's so incredibly susceptible
0:06:26 > 0:06:29to either adding weight to it or taking weight away -
0:06:29 > 0:06:31the acidity of the fingers, the addition of dust -
0:06:31 > 0:06:32the original is...
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Well, where did the metric system originate?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36POSH ACCENT: Builth Wells.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- I don't know, France. - France. You do know, you see?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- Of course, of course, yes. - Of course you know.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- It's actually outside Paris - near Sevres, where porcelain comes from.- Yes.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46It's made out of platinum iridium.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47And they're worried that
0:06:47 > 0:06:50it's put on the weight of a small grain of sand
0:06:50 > 0:06:54over the period since it was first made, in 1879.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57So they're going to change... they're going to change -
0:06:57 > 0:06:59next year, possibly, or 2014 -
0:06:59 > 0:07:02to using Planck's universal quantum constant
0:07:02 > 0:07:03instead of the physical one.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Thank God for that. Phew!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Then they won't have to worry about bits of dust.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- What a worry as well, yeah. - Yeah, what a worry.- What a worry.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Thank you, Ian Robinson and the National Physical Laboratory.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- Yeah, thank you very much. - Thank you for your time.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Is there different parts of the world, though, you could go and weigh more or less?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- If you went to areas of great... - Yes, on the equator, you...
0:07:22 > 0:07:24America. We'd all weigh less there, wouldn't we?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26That's a comparative scale.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Yeah. And light - how much does light weigh?
0:07:29 > 0:07:30And does sound weigh more than light?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32You've got a bit of sound there and a bit of light,
0:07:32 > 0:07:34you wouldn't...do that?
0:07:34 > 0:07:35No.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38That's a bit suggestive, really, isn't it?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Can you get in the bed before you put the light out?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- Ah, that's true, isn't it? Yeah.- Yes.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Turn the light switch off and then get into bed before it went dark.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Difficult, but it can be done. - It can, yeah.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Didn't Muhammad Ali say that? Didn't he?
0:07:53 > 0:07:57He said he was so fast, he could get into bed before the light went off.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Yeah, and someone said, "Just get a bedside light."
0:08:00 > 0:08:01- Yeah, exactly. - Or just one of those ones.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- Do it at the same time. - Oh, one of those.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Then you can clap when you're in bed, and who doesn't like that?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Ah, yes, but that's very interesting, then, because then the sound...
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- You've just turned the camera off. - What's that? - You've just turned the camera off.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Could you do two? Could you do two now?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- Thank you.- Oh, sorry.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21We use the same system. We didn't expect anybody to clap.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22What just happened?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24You turned the camera off by clapping.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- Just the whole universe, just..."nyoooom".- Yeah.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- Nyooom! - Yeah, you're back again now.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32That's it. Don't clap, though.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Wwwwwhat would happen...?
0:08:37 > 0:08:38If?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40No, I was just saying... It was rhetorical.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42- Oh, I see.- I was just saying...
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- What would happen...? - There's a question.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47"What would happen, Stephen? Discuss."
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- Yes. "Let's see whose house it is." - "..it is."
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Now, we were talking about bits and bytes.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56What is a kilobyte, in fact? How many bytes in a kilobyte?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- 1,000.- 100,000.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- 10,000.- 100,000. 1,000,000.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02No, no, that's a gig...
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- 9.- 9!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- I just like to be different. - 42.- Anyone in the audience?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- MAN IN AUDIENCE:- 1,024.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12- ALARM BLARES - Oh, the audience gets a big penalty.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15GUFFAWS
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Unfortunately... Unfortunately, our team...
0:09:20 > 0:09:22In your face!
0:09:22 > 0:09:26..our team isn't intelligent enough to know the wrong answer.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31You thought it was 2 to the 10, which is 1,024.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35But actually, according to the International Electrotechnical Commission,
0:09:35 > 0:09:37it is now 1,000, as you said, is the right answer.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39It's 1,000 bytes, and the...
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- So I beat all those people, then? - You did, by sheer fluke.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43But didn't you say "10, 100, 1,000"? You just...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Yeah, yeah, but I started with a 1,000.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49- You did cover quite a lot of bases. You did start with 1,000.- Yeah.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52There is a new word for 1,024, which is a "kibibyte", which is rather pathetic.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- Oh, come on.- I know.- They're just being silly now, aren't they?
0:09:55 > 0:09:59But it's IEC standard 6027-2. There you go.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00I'm sorry about that. It's not my fault.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- No, I'm not blaming you, Stephen, it's just...- I know.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Now then - finders keepers, losers weepers, right?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- That's the rules.- Yes, it is.- Yes?
0:10:09 > 0:10:10ALARM BLARES
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Oh, what?! What? Hey, you tricked me!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17You could have said no.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20You... That's...that's a dirty trick, Fry!
0:10:20 > 0:10:23You've done this programme long enough to know that dirty tricks are us.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Stephen, I didn't think that even you would stoop...
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- Stoop.- ..so low.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- Well, I did.- How dare you? - It doesn't work in law.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33If you find lost property
0:10:33 > 0:10:36and don't make reasonable steps
0:10:36 > 0:10:38to discover the person to whom it belongs,
0:10:38 > 0:10:42then that's the crime of theft by finding.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43So just...how does this apply to...?
0:10:43 > 0:10:47If you're in the supermarket, right, and you put some fresh herbs in,
0:10:47 > 0:10:49and you're walking round, "da da-da,"
0:10:49 > 0:10:52all oblivious, thinking no-one's going to mess with your head.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54And then before you get to the checkout,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57someone's nicked the herbs out of your trolley
0:10:57 > 0:11:00and you go back and then there's none left.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- That's a dirty trick, isn't it? - It is a dirty trick.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- Did this happen today? - That's just immoral bad citizenship.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06But it's not technically theft, though.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08No, that's not theft. It's bad citizenship.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- They weren't yours until you'd paid for them. - No. They were morally mine.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14If they took them after you'd paid... They were morally yours.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- I'd agree with you. - How urgent were the herbs? - Well, they're...
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Look, there was a chilli con carne that was ruined because of that.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Garnish at least.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23If you decked that lady, I don't blame you.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- Yes, I imagine, yeah...- If you smashed her round the gizzard.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Yeah, smacked her round the head with a tin of tomatoes.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30"Don't do it again!"
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- She's learnt her lesson. - Yeah, that's right.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36So, I mean, if you... Technically, with that rule,
0:11:36 > 0:11:37is if someone's done their full shop
0:11:37 > 0:11:41and then right at the end, they've just wandered off for a tin of something,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43you could go, "Right, I'll have that lot, then."
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- That's brilliant. - That would be so immoral.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47You've sort of stolen their time there.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49So you just follow somebody round the shop
0:11:49 > 0:11:52who looks like they might like what you like, and then...
0:11:52 > 0:11:55This is a wholly different question. I never asked this.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Bill raised it. It's got nothing to do with the question.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- It's a very important point. - It's an interesting ethical issue.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02I'm applying the ancient law to the modern-day context.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05If you find something on the bus, or on the street...
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Yeah, or if, for example, you're a dry cleaner
0:12:07 > 0:12:09and you find a £20 note in a pair of trousers
0:12:09 > 0:12:11that's taken in, you don't think, "Oh, I can keep that."
0:12:11 > 0:12:14That definitely is theft because you know whose trousers they are.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- Exactly.- But, like, on the bus or something...
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Also, if you found a lottery ticket on the floor
0:12:18 > 0:12:20and it was a winning number and you cashed it in
0:12:20 > 0:12:22and it wasn't yours, you would be committing a crime.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- You wouldn't care, though. - Yes, you would - it'd be taken away from you.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- Because you'd be a millionaire. - You wouldn't be paid.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31- You wouldn't get the money. You'd go to court. - How, though? How would they know?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Because of the number and the time it was bought and the shop it was bought from.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36- CCTV.- Oh, shit!- So, yeah.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39In 2009, a Wilshire couple got an 11-month suspended sentence
0:12:39 > 0:12:42for doing exactly that - they cashed a winning lottery ticket.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Even more, in 2003, a Coventry family
0:12:43 > 0:12:47made repeated visits to a faulty cash machine
0:12:47 > 0:12:50and withdrew £134,410.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Wow!- Three of them were imprisoned.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I used to work in a cinema
0:12:55 > 0:12:58and anything that was found on the floor in the screens,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00sort of depending on what it was...
0:13:00 > 0:13:02So if it was an umbrella, it would go in lost property.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04If it was a pound coin,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06it would just... the guy, whoever would just...
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- Conveniently disappear. - Exactly, yeah.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12But there was one time that a pair of used pants were found.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13And they didn't really...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15They sort of took them out on a stick
0:13:15 > 0:13:17and they didn't really know what to do with them.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20And then two weeks later, they got a letter from a man saying,
0:13:20 > 0:13:25"I was in the 11:20 showing of Titanic
0:13:25 > 0:13:29"in Screen 6 on the 23rd of February
0:13:29 > 0:13:32"and I appear to have left my pants.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37"Could you return them to me in the Jiffy bag provided?"
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- Oh, my God! - Oh, I don't know.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I don't think I'd have put them in a Jiffy.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43If they were used pants,
0:13:43 > 0:13:47they would have gone in one of those things they put nuclear waste in, you know?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- I think you're right. - A lead-lined casket.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Ugh.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Well, it is true that
0:13:52 > 0:13:54if you haven't made reasonable attempts to find something,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56well, we know that it's morally wrong...
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- It behoves you to do the right thing. - Yeah. We hope you will.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02But if property is deliberately abandoned, you can keep it.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Archaeological finds,
0:14:03 > 0:14:0690% of them are from amateurs with metal detectors.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09And famous metal detectors include Bill Wyman,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12who I think has his own brand of metal detector, called Bill Wyman.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Which you can use for your metal detecting!
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Things really picked up for him after he left the Stones!
0:14:19 > 0:14:24But in 2009, a man called David Booth discovered four Iron Age
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- gold neck bands worth £1 million. - Good God!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29What's extraordinary about it is it was the first time
0:14:29 > 0:14:31- he'd ever used a metal detector. - SARAH GASPS
0:14:31 > 0:14:34He found it seven paces from where he'd parked his car.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40- Like, all the other detectors are really annoyed!- Yeah.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- He's been shunned from the fan club. - Oh, absolutely.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45If you do it without permission and/or at night,
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- you're known as a nighthawk and you're looked down on.- Yeah.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Because during the day, it's fine, but at night, you look a bit weird.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I mean, that guy's on...you know, on holiday as well.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Look at the background.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03His wife's on a towel over there, just going, "You dick."
0:15:03 > 0:15:06"Leave it alone, Frank, leave it, Frank!"
0:15:06 > 0:15:10So legally speaking, finders isn't necessarily keepers.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Now, let's have a round of Keep Still Or Scarper?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I'm going to show you some dangerous animals
0:15:15 > 0:15:17and I want you to tell me what you should do -
0:15:17 > 0:15:19stand your ground or skedaddle for the hills?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- All right?- OK.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24So, let's start with the first animal.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Here it is. It's a snake.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29With a snake, should you keep still or scarper?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31- # Keep on rockin'. # - Bill?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- Keep still.- Why?
0:15:33 > 0:15:39Because...you're so terrified of the snake.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43The snake will not attack a moving object.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- In which case, so you should move. - What?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49You said, "It will not attack a moving object".
0:15:49 > 0:15:50- I mean it will attack.- Right.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52It will attack a moving object.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54It actually forgets you're there if you stand still.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- Yeah.- It will just ignore you. - I get that a lot.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00It's like being married.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Does it depend on how fast you run?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Because if you can run - outrun it...
0:16:04 > 0:16:06They can strike very quickly, and if you're close to it,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09just the act of turning to run would... Like that.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10- Oh, right, OK. - If it felt threatened.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13The best thing to do is stand stock-still and then nothing will happen.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16You'd feel a fool if you stood still and it bit you anyway, wouldn't you?
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- You would. - Your mobile went off or something.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21That's true.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Don't have your mobile on vibrate. That would be the worst...
0:16:23 > 0:16:25They have a marvellous sense of vibration.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27OK, our next ones.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Let's have a look at this little trio harmonising.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Aww.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33"Aww," you say. "Aww"?! They can tear you to pieces!
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Three of a wolf pack, a wild wolf.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- When they've finished their song. - So should you keep still?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Should you keep still or scarper?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- # Keep on movin'. # - Yes, Jason?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47I'm going to say scarper.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I'm afraid not, no. No, they are "coursing predators".
0:16:50 > 0:16:54They actually tear and eat things on the run.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56So that's how they like to eat.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58They've not seen me run though.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01My running is the same as me keeping still.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04You should just shout, throw stones, pebbles, whatever,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06and then back slowly away and you'll be fine.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Shout at... What...?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- YELLS GIBBERISH - Like that.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Throw things at them.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- They're not used... - I'm terrified.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- They're not used to that behaviour. - I'm glad I asked.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20And they're wolves - they just back away going, "He's mental!"
0:17:21 > 0:17:24It works. If you run away...
0:17:24 > 0:17:27There's a guy, down in Devon, there's this bloke
0:17:27 > 0:17:31who lived with wolves in Combe Martin Wildlife Park. Shaun Ellis.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32He's an extraordinary bloke,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35and he wanted to know what it was like to be accepted
0:17:35 > 0:17:38as part of a wolf pack. And so he lived with the wolves for a year,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41and ate raw meat and growled and snarled at them.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- Learnt the body language.- Learnt the whole body language, it was amazing.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45And his girlfriend wrote,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48"It has put a little bit of a strain on our relationship."
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- Oh, really?- Oh, really?
0:17:52 > 0:17:57"Yeah, every time we go out hunting of a night, I feel left out."
0:17:57 > 0:18:00He will tear the waiter apart at the end of a meal.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03If she doesn't keep still, he chases it.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05I shouted at a moth once and it died.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10It was too high up the curtain, so I couldn't reach it
0:18:10 > 0:18:12so I got really mad at it and it just dropped.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Some would say it was dead already,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- but I like to think it was because of me.- Those words!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20BILL: Maybe it was playing dead.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Well, it was definitely dead once it was under my shoe.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Fair enough. What about a shark?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- # Keep on hiding... # - I would say...
0:18:30 > 0:18:34- Oh, it's not, I was going to say fight.- Fight?!
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Yeah, because you put your thumbs in its eyes, you punch it on the nose.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- YELLS:- Get out of there! Run!
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Well, no. Swim!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Don't stand still. Scarper is the answer.- Scarper?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- Can I do an eye-gouge first? - I wouldn't bother with any of that.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- Just get out of the way. - There was that Welsh bloke,
0:18:51 > 0:18:52he was on holiday,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55and a shark started attacking a load of kids,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58and he went in and just... he grabbed it by its tail and,
0:18:58 > 0:18:59"Get out of it!" Threw it back in.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02And then got home and they sacked him cos they saw him
0:19:02 > 0:19:04on the news, saying, "You were on sick leave."
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- No!- That's harsh. ALAN:- He's a hero!
0:19:06 > 0:19:09He said, "I was on holiday for stress."
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Blow bubbles, apparently, but if you're near its mouth,
0:19:12 > 0:19:16don't play dead. That's a bad thing. Struggle in the mouth.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- In a moment, you won't have to play dead.- Exactly!
0:19:19 > 0:19:20While you're still conscious.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Now, what about Africanised honey bees, also know as killer bees?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- Stay still or scarper?- Um...
0:19:26 > 0:19:27# Keep on rocking. #
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- Stay still.- No!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- # Keep on moving. # - Run away, the other one.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36It's a binary question. One for cheek.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Yeah, no...
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Run away as fast as you can, don't stop to help friends or anything,
0:19:41 > 0:19:44just get the hell out of there and keep on running at least 400 metres.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46And don't think you can hide in water,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48they will wait above your head,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51and when you come up for air, they will absolutely attack you.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- What shits! - They are really, really...
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Nicely put. They're not nice.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- How far is 400 metres? - It's about 400 metres, I think.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- How many Newtons is it?- It's slightly less than half a kilometre.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Oh, I could probably manage that. - Yes, you could do 500 metres.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13- OK. I'm just checking.- Put your shirt over your face as well, if you can.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14- OK.- To protect you from stinging.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Could you not quickly open a can of Fanta and put it down on the ground?
0:20:18 > 0:20:22- "There, there, look, look! You love that!"- Don't risk it.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Put your top over your face? Are they distracted by boobs, is that it?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31So what do you do with a monkey? Keep still or scarper?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- Ah, that's nice, isn't it? - Well, just reason with it.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36How many heads has it got?
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Sign language.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Keep still. - Yes, but not dead-still.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42There's a particular open-mouthed, open-lipped...
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- Like dancing? No. - ..thing that you do.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46You bare your teeth.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49A round mouth, bare your teeth. Round.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- Keep shaking around like that. - That's it, that's it. Raise your eyebrows.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54By the time I've done it, he's killed me.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55And raise your eyebrows.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58That's it. Show your teeth. Raise your eyebrows.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- What does that mean? - IMITATES MONKEY CHATTER
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- Back off!- That's good.- Back off!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07You have monkeys, don't you?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- Yes, we have golden-handed tamarinds.- Oh, lovely.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- You just have them round your house? - Do they live in the house easily?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15They live in the house, yeah. We don't let them out.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16- Are they house-trained? - Yes, of course.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- That's amazing.- Yeah.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21I think Jane Goodall discovered when you try and house-train a chimpanzee,
0:21:21 > 0:21:25their intelligence is of a different order, and it's kind of smart but stupid.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27And she had these chimpanzees
0:21:27 > 0:21:29and when one pooed on the floor
0:21:29 > 0:21:31of this little wooden bungalow that she had in Africa,
0:21:31 > 0:21:34what she'd do is, she would make it confront its own poo,
0:21:34 > 0:21:36spank it on the bottom and throw it out of the window.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- And...- This is ground floor, yeah?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41It's ground... I said "bungalow", yes.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44So she did that twice and then the third time she saw one poo,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47slap its own bottom and jump out of the window.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- Which is completely logical. - That's amazing.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52That's brilliant.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Thinking it had been really good, and you kind of go...
0:21:54 > 0:21:56That's not dissimilar to...
0:21:56 > 0:21:58My daughter's nearly four, right, and...
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Save her embarrassment for future shows.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03She'll be fine. I won't tell you which one. I've got twins.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04- Oh, fine.- And she's...
0:22:04 > 0:22:07There's a point where they're slapping each other and fighting
0:22:07 > 0:22:09and you go, "Right, get on the naughty step."
0:22:09 > 0:22:10And there's a point where she's so annoyed,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13that she will just slap her sister, you know, in the face or whatever,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15and then go and get on the naughty step herself
0:22:15 > 0:22:18and sit there with a face saying, "It was worth it."
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Yeah.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25That's very good. Very good.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Excellent. Cows?
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Why would you need to?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Well, you say that, but more than 50 a year,
0:22:31 > 0:22:33injuries caused by cows.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- Really? 50 idiots. - Particularly calving mothers.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- They can get more aggressive than bulls. - Fair enough, because they've...
0:22:39 > 0:22:42We're afraid of bulls, but actually cows are...yeah.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45But, presumably, if you're putting your arms up a cow's nunny
0:22:45 > 0:22:48to pull a calf out, she's allowed to kick you in the face.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Oh, there'll be a bit of that. I don't think we're talking about that.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52- No, we're talking about...- Ramblers.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Yeah, ramblers, and what happens is, particularly dogs tease them,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58the cow then gets aggressive with the dog and chases the dog
0:22:58 > 0:23:00and the dog, of course, yelps back to its owner.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02And then the cow will hurt the owner.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03They crowd you, don't they?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05And then if you fall down, you get trampled.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- Yeah.- So get the hell out. - So you need to scarper.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09You do need to scarper, is the answer, yeah.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12So, how do you get an ant to keep still?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- # Keep on hidin'. # - Sarah?
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Stop the music.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20And then... Like that. That's very good.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Do you know, by any chance,
0:23:21 > 0:23:26who was the first person accurately to portray small insects?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Most famously the flea, which is a very recognisable image,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31which is the cover of his book Micrographia.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34He was a remarkable scientist, town planner,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38he has a law named after him of tension and springs.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40He was a contemporary of Newton and Christopher Wren.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43He was responsible for much of the town planning
0:23:43 > 0:23:44after the Fire of London.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48And he used a microscope to see animals,
0:23:48 > 0:23:50including this little flea.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51And an ant! And there it is.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54He was an amazing artist, as you can see.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58And he describes precisely how he got the ant to keep still.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01He said, "I gave it a gill of brandy,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04"which after a while knocked him down dead-drunk.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06"He struggled..." Wonderful phrase this.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09"..for a pretty while very much."
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Sounds like he was drinking it himself there.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13"For a pretty while very much till at last..."
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- SLURRED:- One for you, one for me. - Yeah.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18"Till at last, certain bubbles issuing out of its mouth,
0:24:18 > 0:24:21"it ceased to move and remained moveless for a good while."
0:24:21 > 0:24:22- "Remained moveless"? - "Moveless", yeah.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Well, it was in 1665, the book came out, Micrographia.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- Well done.- A gill, by the way, is a quarter of a pint.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Wow.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31They can hold their booze, can't they, ants?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- Yeah, they can.- Cooee!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35- Eight times their body weight. - What was this man's name?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Do you remember?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- Audience?- "Do you remember?"! IAN:- Robert Hooke.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Well, yeah, Ian Robinson shouted out.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Ian Robinson is a physicist. That's cheating.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44But, yes, Robert Hooke.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46And he suffered, as many did,
0:24:46 > 0:24:49although he was one of the greatest geniuses who ever lived...
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Isaac Newton was a really thoroughly ghastly man,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55and he particularly hated Hooke and had him erased from history,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58because anybody who wasn't Newton was just not good enough.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00And all the portraits of him, he got rid of,
0:25:00 > 0:25:02because he was so powerful, Newton,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05because he was such a genius and so recognised around the world.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07And an artist named Rita Greer has set herself the task
0:25:07 > 0:25:11of creating more portraits of Hooke than there are of Newton, to redress the balance.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12- Really?- And here's one.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14It's based on meticulously researched likenesses of him.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17There are now 20 in the world, as opposed to 16 of Newton.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21So Hooke has won, though, obviously, Newton was a truly great man.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23So Newton did this, did he? He was a bit of a wrong'un?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- I'm afraid he was. - A terrible egomaniac.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- Total egomaniac. - Gravity, see, it goes to your head.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Yeah. Gravity goes to your head!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34He looks like he's had a few gills of whisky there, doesn't he?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36He does a bit, doesn't he? He's a little...bleugh.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38He doesn't look as if he's had much sun.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42SLURRED: "Look, there's two little ants meeting in a pub."
0:25:42 > 0:25:45"Hello!" "Would you like a brandy?"
0:25:45 > 0:25:47"Arghhhh."
0:25:50 > 0:25:55"I love you." "No, I love YOU."
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Well, there you go.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01On the subject of keeping still, how hard is it to be a nude model?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05LAUGHTER
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Don't you remember that, Alan?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- I do not remember that. - Oh, that was a good night.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16It's the woman second from the left
0:26:16 > 0:26:20who seems to be, uh, most enjoying the view.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- The one with the orange scarf. - Was it cold? Were you being...?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26She's going to need a bigger pad than that, I tell you.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32They're all just drawing sections of you, aren't they?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34"I'll do the helmet."
0:26:34 > 0:26:36"Yeah. Oh, you're all right there, yeah."
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Were you being funny there, or...?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- That's not really him. - Oh, it's not real? Oh!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42No, we cleverly made it up.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44- I assumed...- Bless you.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47..that you would be funny naked. I'm sorry, Alan.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48You assumed he'd be funny naked?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Well, that's what I can see. I'm sorry.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- Yes. You say what you see.- Yeah.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56But there is actually a Register of Artists' Models -
0:26:56 > 0:26:59"RAM" - that looks after the interests of models,
0:26:59 > 0:27:02and it thinks the idea that life modelling is a breeze is completely wrong.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05To keep still for a long while is very, very hard.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- You get pins and needles and cramp.- Yeah. - Pins and needles, cramp.
0:27:08 > 0:27:09You have to do one thing at a time.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11You start with short poses called "gestures" -
0:27:11 > 0:27:14bold action-oriented poses - which are used as a warm-up.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15You go two minutes, then five minutes
0:27:15 > 0:27:16and then eventually 30-plus.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18There's more work for women than men.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20The classes prefer them
0:27:20 > 0:27:22and there are more of them in the market, it appears.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25And in 1998, a man called George Bond
0:27:25 > 0:27:29took Northampton College to an industrial tribunal,
0:27:29 > 0:27:31claiming that he was not being employed on the basis of his gender
0:27:31 > 0:27:33and that it was sexual discrimination.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36In fact, they were able to demonstrate that it was personal,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39and the reason was he couldn't hold a pose, he fidgeted,
0:27:39 > 0:27:42went to the loo too often, had a background in erotic films,
0:27:42 > 0:27:44which troubled the A-level students,
0:27:44 > 0:27:47particularly one 16-year-old at whom he winked when she was drawing.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- What with? What did he wink with? - They claimed he was...
0:27:50 > 0:27:51Oh, don't say that!
0:27:51 > 0:27:54- "What did he wink with?!" - GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:27:58 > 0:27:59My little eye.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Having said that, he explained to them
0:28:01 > 0:28:03that he didn't have glasses so he was squinting,
0:28:03 > 0:28:06but he did also improvise a pose which involved sticking his bottom into the air,
0:28:06 > 0:28:10which was described by some students as giving "an unfortunate view".
0:28:10 > 0:28:12- So...- They didn't want him. They didn't want him there.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15- They didn't want to draw him. - They just didn't want George there.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17- Get out, George. - So he lost the case.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18But there are contentious issues
0:28:18 > 0:28:21described by the Register of Artists' Models,
0:28:21 > 0:28:24and the contentious issues include
0:28:24 > 0:28:27raids on studios by amusing non-art students
0:28:27 > 0:28:29who just want to see a nudey person.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30- Ah, yes.- Which is very silly.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34A warning against passing window cleaners.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36And their policy is to suspend any member -
0:28:36 > 0:28:38that's an odd way of phrasing it -
0:28:38 > 0:28:41who gets an erection during a sitting.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43- When I say "Suspend any member"... - "Suspend a member".
0:28:43 > 0:28:45- I mean...- Right, OK, yeah. - From a great height.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47You'd suspend yourself, wouldn't you?
0:28:47 > 0:28:48..are forced out of the Register.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50You'd have to say, "All right, I'll get my coat."
0:28:50 > 0:28:53- Right, yeah. - And then just hang it over the...
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Is that like being struck off, then, is it?
0:28:56 > 0:28:57Yes. Basically, it is, yeah.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00You can't ever be a nude model if you can't control yourself.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03- # Keep on moving... # - How did you do that?!
0:29:03 > 0:29:05BILL: How are you doing that?!
0:29:05 > 0:29:08- ALAN:- You're suspended! Out!
0:29:12 > 0:29:13That's why I'm banned from RAM.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16- Yeah.- That was very impressive.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18That's with his clothes on as well.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21# Keep on moving... #
0:29:22 > 0:29:25Let's give him a gill of brandy and see...
0:29:25 > 0:29:29An AA Gill of brandy! Absolutely.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32Well, there you are, that's RAM.
0:29:32 > 0:29:33Now, Little Bo Peep keeps lesbian sheep,
0:29:33 > 0:29:37but doesn't know how to find them. Can you help? Oh, look at that.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41- Lesbian sheep.- Right.- How can you tell if sheep are lesbian?
0:29:41 > 0:29:42Well...
0:29:42 > 0:29:44- By their conduct.- Yes.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49Trouble is, you can't. You can with so many species.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52Can't you...just with the wafts of k.d. lang coming from the field?
0:29:52 > 0:29:56- k.d. lamb!- Is it something to do with sex?
0:29:56 > 0:30:01- Well, no, the funny thing is, ewes just stand still.- If they want sex?
0:30:01 > 0:30:03So you can't tell if sheep are lesbians,
0:30:03 > 0:30:04and yet, this is also true.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07We have had a huge problem with lesbian sheep.
0:30:08 > 0:30:09What? It's not my fault.
0:30:09 > 0:30:15- We have. How did this happen?- Well, they're not producing any lambs?
0:30:15 > 0:30:16No, they were.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19But you can't tell whether a sheep's lesbian or not.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23- So the rams don't know? - Think of the word.- Lesbian, sheep.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25- It has two meanings.- Problem.
0:30:25 > 0:30:29- One is sapphic, preferring their own kind, female, gay, homosexual.- Yeah.
0:30:29 > 0:30:33- The other is from the island of... - Lesbos.- Yes.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36Sheep from the island of Lesbos were transported around Europe and
0:30:36 > 0:30:38they had foot and mouth disease,
0:30:38 > 0:30:40and they communicated it all around Europe.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44So Lesbian sheep were responsible for an outbreak in 1994.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49Well, you needed Jonathan Creek to get that one, I'm afraid.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55There you are. So that's pretty exciting, isn't it?
0:30:55 > 0:30:56No, it's not, really.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02You know how you said the lady ones just stand still if they want sex?
0:31:02 > 0:31:06- Yeah.- Do the lesbian ones stand still close together
0:31:06 > 0:31:08so that they can do stuff?
0:31:08 > 0:31:11- No!- Or are they all just sparsely standing apart?
0:31:11 > 0:31:14They're all waiting for someone else to make the first move.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17The ram will do it, the ram will tup her, as the word is used.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Bloody rams!
0:31:19 > 0:31:23Good word, tup. We don't use it as often as we should. Tup.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25- JASON:- I've never heard it before.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27No. I know what my tuppence is.
0:31:28 > 0:31:32Now, on to keeping time.
0:31:32 > 0:31:33When is the present?
0:31:33 > 0:31:36Wow. Uh...now?
0:31:36 > 0:31:38- ALARM BLARES - No!
0:31:38 > 0:31:40I knew it!
0:31:40 > 0:31:42No, unfortunately, it was about 70 milliseconds ago.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44We're always 70 milliseconds behind.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46They were good times, man.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50The time taken between light hitting the eye and being processed
0:31:50 > 0:31:52is about 70 milliseconds.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54- Which you may say isn't much. - So is it then, then?
0:31:54 > 0:31:56It's then, exactly.
0:31:56 > 0:32:00But if, at a reasonably mild 85 miles per hour,
0:32:00 > 0:32:04a cricket ball or tennis ball, that would be 10 feet.
0:32:04 > 0:32:08So you really have to anticipate where the ball...
0:32:08 > 0:32:10- So you're seeing the ball in the future?- Yeah.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12And you have to predict the future.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Yeah, you have to predict where it will be.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17Because your brain won't see it until it's already passed.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19- So you have to just... - You guess it'll be there.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21You're used to the course it's taken,
0:32:21 > 0:32:23you can see it from the racket or the bowler's arm,
0:32:23 > 0:32:26but you don't have time physically to see the ball with your eye.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29It's passed you. Bowlers bowl up to 100 miles an hour.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31- Tennis serves are way faster.- Yes.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34Researchers at the University of Tokyo
0:32:34 > 0:32:37have proved how we are indeed incapable of this kind of speed
0:32:37 > 0:32:41by building a robotic hand that can play Paper Scissors Stone
0:32:41 > 0:32:43and always beat a human being.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47Because it can read our gestures quicker than we can read them.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Its processing is so much faster than ours.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53We've got a bit of VT of this. Here we go.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57You've hardly got time to see it yourself, it's so quick.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00It wins 100% of the time.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03- It won't beat me. - That's the scissors...
0:33:03 > 0:33:06We didn't have a telly for ten years growing up. I'm brilliant at that game.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09But you have to... It just reads your hand movement before...
0:33:09 > 0:33:12Even so, Stephen. I think I could take it.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15What if your hand was underneath the table
0:33:15 > 0:33:17and then you brought it out?
0:33:17 > 0:33:19Cos it hasn't seen you do it then. So you could beat it.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21So if you cheated, it would... Yeah.
0:33:21 > 0:33:25- It's not cheating, if you're shy or something.- That's not how the game is played.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28Somebody's playing Rock Paper Scissors with a robot.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31That's the future, isn't it, really?
0:33:31 > 0:33:34It's how it all begins, it's how Skynet first adapted the cyborg.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37- Really?- Yeah! It starts with chess, games.
0:33:37 > 0:33:41A robot, we've sent him back from the future to play Rock Paper Scissors!
0:33:42 > 0:33:45It's absolutely astonishing, it is beating our own brain,
0:33:45 > 0:33:47which is the most extraordinary thing we know in the universe,
0:33:47 > 0:33:51at perception and time and reflex, in a small way.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54I played chess against a computer on a flight.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56Oh, yeah?
0:33:56 > 0:33:58And it turns out I'm rubbish at chess.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00After a few games, I'd lost every one,
0:34:00 > 0:34:04the computer started taking its king out
0:34:04 > 0:34:06and putting it right in the middle of the board...
0:34:07 > 0:34:09..completely on its own,
0:34:09 > 0:34:11and then I would really struggle to pin it down.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13Oh, no!
0:34:13 > 0:34:16I did, I did win a couple of games, it was immensely satisfying.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19They're so good, chess programmes now, it's frightening.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21But I mean, you know, in terms of human achievements,
0:34:21 > 0:34:23poetry, music, suchlike...
0:34:23 > 0:34:25- Oh, yes.- They're way behind.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28- Yes, of course.- And they haven't passed what's called
0:34:28 > 0:34:31the Turing test, which is the most important thing for a machine.
0:34:31 > 0:34:35Alan Turing posited a test which was whether or not you could conduct a conversation
0:34:35 > 0:34:37with an artificial machine in such a way
0:34:37 > 0:34:40that you wouldn't know it was an artificial machine.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42And if it passes that stage,
0:34:42 > 0:34:45that really is a moment in computer development.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48It's quite scary then. Then you've got a consciousness...
0:34:48 > 0:34:50What sort of questions would you ask?
0:34:50 > 0:34:52- To check it?- Are you a machine?
0:34:54 > 0:34:56Yeah, that's going to help!
0:34:58 > 0:34:59- That's right.- And when it goes...
0:34:59 > 0:35:02- ROBOTICALLY:- "No!" Ohhh...
0:35:03 > 0:35:06Let's just assume that it won't be that easy!
0:35:06 > 0:35:10If it lies to win, that really would be the next step of evolution.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13What's your happiest memory? Things like that.
0:35:13 > 0:35:14ROBOTIC VOICE: Just now.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17That would give it away!
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Switching on this morning.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24Oh, it's a beautiful moment. No, I live in the moment.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27"Well, 17 milliseconds before the moment."
0:35:29 > 0:35:32Anyway, here's a test to show you how easy it is to keep
0:35:32 > 0:35:34an image in your head.
0:35:34 > 0:35:38This is the departure board at Grand Central Station in New York,
0:35:38 > 0:35:40try and memorise it. All right?
0:35:40 > 0:35:44Now, the question is, when does the next train to White Plains leave?
0:35:44 > 0:35:4512.25.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48SIREN
0:35:48 > 0:35:51- 12.48?- No, it's really mean of me.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53- Oh...- In Grand Central Station,
0:35:53 > 0:35:56all trains depart a minute after the time given.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59Well, that's... I was right!
0:36:00 > 0:36:04But you had to know that in Grand Central Station they have a minute's
0:36:04 > 0:36:07gate time to allow you, without accidents, not to have to run...
0:36:07 > 0:36:10I know, it's so unfair on you. I'm really sorry!
0:36:10 > 0:36:13You memorised it so well. I feel like such a pig.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16Did you secretly flick a V?
0:36:17 > 0:36:20- Yes, I totally did.- You totally did!
0:36:22 > 0:36:25- Anyway, sorry, yes, they have this gate time.- They don't do that here.
0:36:25 > 0:36:29- Quite the reverse, exactly. - It's impossible.- Yeah.
0:36:29 > 0:36:30The service is now leaving.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33My wife was pregnant, coming down the steps, and they shut the door.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36I said, "There's my wife there. She's pregnant.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38"Can you wait just 19 seconds?"
0:36:38 > 0:36:41Because it was before the time the train was supposed to go. "No."
0:36:41 > 0:36:44- Seriously? You missed the train? - They shut the doors.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46- They shut the doors. - You could have just left her.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52- She can get the next one.- "Darling, you take the next one."- Oh, fine.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57- Here's an interesting thing. Have you been to India?- Yes.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00Do you remember India's time difference from us?
0:37:00 > 0:37:01Five or six hours.
0:37:01 > 0:37:05It's actually five-and-a-half hours.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07But there is a very interesting thing
0:37:07 > 0:37:09about a five-and-a-half hour difference.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12You'd think, "Oh, God, how am I going to work out the difference?"
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Old Aggers put me onto this, the cricket commentator,
0:37:14 > 0:37:16because he's often in India.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19He said, "This is what you want to do, old boy, take your watch."
0:37:19 > 0:37:23So here we are, let's say it's 9:05 in England.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25Right?
0:37:25 > 0:37:29- If you turn the watch upside down, you get...- 2:35.
0:37:29 > 0:37:33Yeah. And that's the time it is five-and-a-half hours ahead.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36- So it's just the watch upside down. - Mine's digital.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38There you are, you see?
0:37:38 > 0:37:42- Well, that's useless!- It's 8:15. - Oh, that's hopeless, I'm afraid.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45But with an analogue watch, as you can see, it works.
0:37:45 > 0:37:49- That's brilliant.- It's really neat, isn't it?- Clever.- Well neat.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52Neaty, neat, neat. Why do clocks go clockwise?
0:37:52 > 0:37:54Why do they go that way round?
0:37:54 > 0:37:58- Because that's the way we see things, isn't it?- Not necessarily.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01- Because it's forward. - There's a particular reason.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05And it's in the Northern Hemisphere, that's how sundials,
0:38:05 > 0:38:06sun moves that way round.
0:38:06 > 0:38:10So we're just used to the shadow from the gnomon of the sundial.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13Now a question about keeping quiet.
0:38:13 > 0:38:17- SOFTLY:- How quiet is the quietest place in the world?
0:38:18 > 0:38:20- Well quiet.- Well quiet.
0:38:20 > 0:38:25Is it...? There's an anechoic chamber somewhere in America.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27There is. There's one in Britain too.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29- And there's one here?- Yeah.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Which is... It's completely devoid of all sound.
0:38:31 > 0:38:35- And it sort of absorbs sound when you go in it.- That's right.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37It's at the University of Salford,
0:38:37 > 0:38:40and it is minus 12.4 decibels.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42As you can see there,
0:38:42 > 0:38:45it's got all these sort of wedges and things to stop any kind of echoing.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48Actually there's a hemi-anechoic chamber,
0:38:48 > 0:38:50with a reverberation chamber as well,
0:38:50 > 0:38:52in the National Physical Laboratory,
0:38:52 > 0:38:55and I went there and I recorded myself popping a balloon,
0:38:55 > 0:38:57first in the reverberation chamber
0:38:57 > 0:38:59and then in the hemi-anechoic chamber,
0:38:59 > 0:39:01which is slightly less than a full anechoic,
0:39:01 > 0:39:03but it's still pretty bloody amaze-oid.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05Did I just say "amaze-oid"? How tragic.
0:39:05 > 0:39:06You really did.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09Oh, God, I'm sad. Hang on.
0:39:09 > 0:39:14- ECHOING RECORDING OF STEPHEN: - 'I am in the reverberation chamber.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18'It's extraordinary.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20'Wow!
0:39:20 > 0:39:24'Arrgh! I'm going to burst the balloon now.'
0:39:26 > 0:39:28EXTENDED ECHOING POP
0:39:28 > 0:39:31- So remember that. - Right. That's the balloon.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34That's the reverberation chamber. OK, it's still going.
0:39:34 > 0:39:39- 'Gee, that was fantastic!' - LAUGHTER
0:39:39 > 0:39:41'Just an ordinary ickle balloon!'
0:39:41 > 0:39:44You were off your face in there, weren't you?
0:39:44 > 0:39:49- ECHOLESS RECORDING:- 'And now I am in a hemi-anechoic chamber.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52- 'Here we go. Three, two, one.' - SHARP POP
0:39:53 > 0:39:55Isn't that incredible?
0:39:55 > 0:39:58'It's a dead flat sound. How exciting is that?'
0:39:58 > 0:40:01- There we are. That's it. - That is amazing.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08Thank you. Thank you to the National Physical Laboratory.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10So, who has the world's biggest mouth?
0:40:10 > 0:40:11- Blue whale.- Oh!
0:40:11 > 0:40:13SIREN BLARES
0:40:13 > 0:40:15It wouldn't be QI, would it, Alan?
0:40:15 > 0:40:18Oh, the strange thing is, you're so close.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21The blue whale's the biggest animal on earth that's ever been.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24The second-biggest has the biggest mouth, oddly enough.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26Another whale? A different sort of whale?
0:40:26 > 0:40:28It's another whale, yes. It's usually found in the Arctic.
0:40:28 > 0:40:29- Oh, right.- Under the ice pack.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31It's a hugely slow animal, beautiful.
0:40:31 > 0:40:35One was found recently that had an 1870s harpoon in it.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37It was still alive. They live a very long time.
0:40:37 > 0:40:39- Good gosh.- Huge things.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42They've got a lovely smile on their face that is curved, bit like a bow.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44So they're known as...?
0:40:44 > 0:40:46Bowhead whales.
0:40:46 > 0:40:47Aren't they marvellous?
0:40:47 > 0:40:49Beautiful. The idea of killing them is just...
0:40:49 > 0:40:51But they have the most blubber of any whale.
0:40:51 > 0:40:55- That's probably why he's not so happy.- Yeah.
0:40:55 > 0:40:57The bowhead has a unique organ in its mouth.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59There's really nothing quite like it.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02The only thing you could say is like it, frankly...
0:41:02 > 0:41:03Those are its baleen plates -
0:41:03 > 0:41:06the sort of hairy feathery bits that it sieves food with.
0:41:06 > 0:41:10- Wow.- But the bit underneath it isn't a tongue, it's actually more like a penis.
0:41:10 > 0:41:13- I know that sounds silly, but it's...- Sounds great.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15Well, yes...
0:41:18 > 0:41:21I was supposed to just think that, sorry.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23It's fine.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25It is a sort of material.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27I mean, a fleshy material that engorges...
0:41:29 > 0:41:33..it engorges with blood and becomes absolutely huge with blood.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36- Erect.- And erect, in its mouth. - Yes.
0:41:36 > 0:41:39And it cools it, because it takes all the blood right up
0:41:39 > 0:41:41and it pushes it out and gets the water over it.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43So when it overheats, all this water goes...
0:41:43 > 0:41:46and all its blood is in its sort of mouth cock,
0:41:46 > 0:41:48if you can call it that.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51- We SHALL call it that. - The way of cooling the mouth.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53SARAH CACKLES
0:41:53 > 0:41:54The way of cooling its brain.
0:41:54 > 0:41:58It's the corpus cavernosum maxillaris, is its proper name.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01- "Mouth cock".- But it's a tissue... - "Mouth cock."
0:42:01 > 0:42:03It opens the mouth, the Arctic water flows in.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06- Mouth organ.- Cools the organ. - Yeah.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09- "Mouth organ"! That's much better. - There you go.
0:42:09 > 0:42:10And that cools its brain.
0:42:10 > 0:42:12So it's a kind of 12-foot-long penis in its mouth.
0:42:12 > 0:42:1612-foot-long, I mean, it's like a lamp post in length.
0:42:16 > 0:42:19I don't think he's a member of the RAM society.
0:42:19 > 0:42:20No, I don't think he is.
0:42:20 > 0:42:24- So it's like its own thermostat, then, really. So it's...- Yes.
0:42:24 > 0:42:26- Yeah.- Absolutely, a cooling system. - Oh, OK.
0:42:26 > 0:42:29So, anyway, there's your bowhead whale.
0:42:29 > 0:42:32Now, that brings us to the business of the scores.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35Oh, I say, damn, it's close.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38In first place, with minus 7, it's Bill Bailey!
0:42:38 > 0:42:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:43 > 0:42:47- And second-equal, with minus 9, it's Jason and Sarah.- Oh, wow!
0:42:51 > 0:42:55Fourth place, with minus 10, is the audience!
0:42:56 > 0:42:58Yes!
0:42:59 > 0:43:03But our runaway loser, with minus 27, is Alan Davies.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07Very good. Good work.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14So, it's thanks from Sarah, Jason, Bill, Alan and me.
0:43:14 > 0:43:17You all keep in touch now, you hear? Goodbye.