0:00:23 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Gooooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:35 > 0:00:41and welcome to QI, for a show that is unashamedly kinky.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Joining me on the top shelf at the newsagent's tonight are...
0:00:45 > 0:00:48dominatrix Janet Street-Porter.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Nun-on-the-run Sandi Toksvig.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Naughty vicar Johnny Vegas.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:08And kinky Tinky Winky, Alan Davies.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Right, but before we get down to business, I want you all to give me the horn.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Janet goes...
0:01:17 > 0:01:21BUZZER: You've been a very naughty boy!
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Sandi goes...
0:01:23 > 0:01:25WHIP CRACKS
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Johnny goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:29SCREAM
0:01:30 > 0:01:32And Alan goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:36MUSIC: "Match Of The Day Theme"
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Whatever floats your boat. Now, on with our first question.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Describe the technique of the world's greatest kisser.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- Was there a contest?- There was. - An actual winner?
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- There was, and there was a winner. Yeah.- Was it a human, or an animal?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51It was a human.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Have you been kissed by an animal, ever? Janet?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Mmmmm... A donkey, maybe.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00- I've kissed a...- But only in a non-sexual...- You didn't know?
0:02:00 > 0:02:05Do you know, a tiny, tiny bit of bile came up in the back of my throat.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09This was a competition, and as you might imagine,
0:02:09 > 0:02:12if cliche were piled upon cliche, which nationality would win?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14- Scandinavia?- The Italians. Italian.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17The Scandinavians, the Italians. No, the...
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- The French?- Les Francais. Oui. - Oh, it was the French. - It was the Francais.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25- I'm thinking it's the Scottish. - Have you found them particularly good osculators?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27No, I just did a quick survey in my head.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32And I could only remember four countries.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34And it certainly wasn't the Australians.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36No. No. No.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38His name was Andre Brule,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41he was a famous actor in the first part of the 20th century.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44A rather stylish actor. And there was a competition.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47It was just after the First World War, and it was in Biarritz.
0:02:47 > 0:02:5180 participants as far away as Russia and America took part.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55And American kisses were described as...? Flaccid.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- Oh.- I would have said forceful.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02Forceful, no, you would have thought. Russians were eruptive.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Italians - burning, which you'd think was good.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Ardent is another word for burning, ardent kisses.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I'm still on "erupting" kisses, what are those like?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- I've no idea. Volcanic.- Yes.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15That was the bit of sick in the back of your throat.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17That's not where you think you're getting a normal kiss
0:03:17 > 0:03:20and they stick their tongue out and you weren't expecting it?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Oh, that can happen, yeah, I know.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Or you kiss something and you put your hands up and you shout, "Bingo!"
0:03:28 > 0:03:33- But I'm afraid the word that was described for English kisses is almost all too predictable.- Cheap.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Oh, wet.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41- Frigid.- Wet.- Moist.- Frigid? - Tepid.- Tepid.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42GROANING
0:03:42 > 0:03:46I know, wonderful! How disappointed as a nation we are.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Spanish were vampirish or "vampeerish", however you would say it.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Vampire-like. But the winner, who,
0:03:51 > 0:03:55although he was a Frenchman, French kisses were described as chaste.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- Which is most surprising.- Really? Because French kissing is...- French kissing itself is far from chaste.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- ..is cataglysm. - It's cataclysmic. Exactly.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- The actual word for it is "cataglysm". - Is that what they call it?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Yes, and it's something pigeons do, bizarrely. Who knew?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- When you see two pigeons billing and cooing...- Cooing.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Yes, they're actually sticking their tongue down each other's...
0:04:13 > 0:04:17- Not swapping pigeon milk, which is...?- No, it's better to say to somebody
0:04:17 > 0:04:19if you want a French kiss, "Do you mind if we do a bit of catagylsm?"
0:04:19 > 0:04:24- They're bound to say yes, because they've no idea what it is. - You may be thinking of cataglottism?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Cataglottism!- Which is the tongue, the glot. Cataclysm is a disaster.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31- No, I think you misheard me, it's my Danish accent. - Oh, I see, right! Cataglottism.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Can I ask Sandi a question about the pigeons?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- Yes.- Do they have sex through their mouths?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- No, no, no, it's...- Well, how do they have sex, just by the way?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- The normal way. - In the normal way, they have a...
0:04:41 > 0:04:43The normal way, yes, is this news to you?
0:04:43 > 0:04:48I know you've been married a few times, but you don't have children, do you?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51No, I don't have children, but I've never had sex with a pigeon
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- either, I just couldn't see which bit...- Can I just say that...
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Call yourself a Londoner!
0:04:57 > 0:05:01The pleasure of Janet questioning two homosexuals on this subject is just a...
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- Yes, it's true.- I'd love to see you do a nature show.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06"They're doing it! They're doing it!" No, they're feeding.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Do you have any familiarity with anything kinky, though?
0:05:09 > 0:05:14Yeah, I once had a boyfriend who said he wanted me to tie him up
0:05:14 > 0:05:17and be a dominatrix, and he booked a suite in a hotel
0:05:17 > 0:05:20and ordered a load of drinks,
0:05:20 > 0:05:24and just as the butler brought the drinks, he got out a dildo and
0:05:24 > 0:05:29a pair of handcuffs, so I had to sit on both sex toys at the same time.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- Oh, my God!- Anyway... - Sit on the handcuffs?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36I sat on everything! I didn't want me to be associated with all this hardware.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- No. Oh, to sit on them to hide them. Sorry.- Yes!
0:05:39 > 0:05:43LAUGHTER
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Sorry. Were they furry handcuffs, the...?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50No, they were normal ones, and in the morning when he was asleep,
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- I just handcuffed his foot to the end of the bed and left.- Wow!
0:05:54 > 0:05:58You shouldn't have made him finish your book first.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Hello?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Is it just men in the kissing competition?- Yes, it was.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- I suppose they wouldn't have had women showing off their kissing technique.- No.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11- That would have been thought to be appalling.- Not in those days, exactly.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- So what was he kissing, the back of his hand?- No, women, but HE was kissing THEM, it wasn't
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- a mutual kiss, if you see what I mean.- Oh.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20He GAVE them kisses. The idea was, he would grab their waist and push himself down.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25The whole thing was almost like a sort of ballet dance. It was not about the actual sort of long snog,
0:06:25 > 0:06:27it was about the elegance with which you did it.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29And that's where he won his awards.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30And there's a very famous photograph,
0:06:30 > 0:06:33you probably know, of a similar kiss, which is
0:06:33 > 0:06:36amazingly evocative of a great victory, VJ Day.
0:06:36 > 0:06:41- Oh, the one with the sailor and the...- The sailor and the woman in New York, which is hugely famous.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44And in 2012, that recently, they were reunited.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48They're both alive, her name is Greta Friedman.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51And he is George Mendonsa. They had never met.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54He just simply saw her in the street, swooped her up and
0:06:54 > 0:06:57kissed her and the photographer got virtually the photograph of the...
0:06:57 > 0:07:02- Didn't she rather famously slap him afterwards?- She was not pleased at all, no. Absolutely.- No.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06But when they had a reunion in 2012, they were very friendly, and she realised it was a fabulous moment.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- He was swept up in the joy of VJ Day.- So did they shag?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14I think not, if she slapped him afterwards, although you probably...
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- No, I mean on the reunion. - No, that doesn't mean...
0:07:16 > 0:07:23- On the reunion!- That's my point. You know, when there's no, you know, Victory-anywhere-day
0:07:23 > 0:07:25and you're just speed-dating and you do that.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Then you're not likely to be thanked. Yes.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31No, you're likely to end up in a court with Injuries 4U lawyers.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Yeah, exactly.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34According to Theocritus in the city of Megara,
0:07:34 > 0:07:39they had a version of the Olympic Games where there was a kissing competition,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42which was only between boys. Yeah, I know. I know.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- "Too late," they cry. - They had to overpower one another.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- No, no, it was... - Back to the Greco-Roman snogging.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51No, it's those who so sweetliest presses lip upon lip.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Sweetliest.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- If they'd had that in the Olympics, I'd have watched.- Yes!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59And they returned laden with garlands for their mothers.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02So, if you win the boys' kissing competition, you get garlands,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05which interestingly, in Greek, is "stefan" - Stephen.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Just thought I'd mention that.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10That's what my name means, and you give your mother
0:08:10 > 0:08:13lots of flowers, saying, "I won the kissing competition with boys."
0:08:13 > 0:08:15And she goes, "Darling, we have to talk."
0:08:17 > 0:08:19"Just don't tell your father." So there you go.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23The world's greatest kisser was a French actor named Andre Brule,
0:08:23 > 0:08:25but who was the most shocking kisser of all time?
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- Oh!- Oh, hello. There we've got two, they're probably called...
0:08:29 > 0:08:30- Britney Spears and Madonna.- Madonna.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34That is, you can just see, is what pigeons do. That's...
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Oh, yes, yeah.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38There's only one marshmallow left.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:42 > 0:08:49I've only ever had one screen kiss, and it was with the wonderful American comic Mike McShane.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- Oh, yes, terrific.- Mike McShane. - You did a sitcom. - We did a sitcom together.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55He knew I was very nervous about the kiss, because I wanted it
0:08:55 > 0:08:58to be...I didn't want it to be comic, I wanted it to be real.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00There's always that worry when you're doing a comedy.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02And he knew this and so I was very anxious,
0:09:02 > 0:09:06and the very first time he leant down and he kissed me and passed me an anchovy with his tongue!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I was less nervous after that.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Yeah, I had a film where I had to kiss Jude Law
0:09:15 > 0:09:17and Ioan Gruffudd, it was awful.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22And they were nude. Oh, God! Misery.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24But anyway, shocking kisses, that's...
0:09:24 > 0:09:28I suppose shocks some people because it's lesbiotic, but...
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- "Lesbiotic"?- Well, yes.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34I must go home and give the good news.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39- They had a shocking kiss in Star Trek.- Really?
0:09:39 > 0:09:44There's an episode where Captain Kirk kisses Uhura, Lieutenant Uhura.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46- So it's interracial. - Oh, very shocking.
0:09:46 > 0:09:52- And that was not thought to go well in the southern affiliates.- Right.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55So they shot it so that one of them had their back to camera.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59You knew they were kissing but you couldn't actually see it
0:09:59 > 0:10:02just in case down south they didn't kick off.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- So are we talking about a screen kiss, or are we talking...? - An electric shock.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- Thank you, Alan.- Is it something electrical to do with it? - Yes. The Venus Electrificata.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15It's one of those things, whenever you invent a new technology,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18people experiment with it in extraordinary ways,
0:10:18 > 0:10:21and of course electricity, when the power to generate electricity
0:10:21 > 0:10:24first arrived, people tried all kinds of exciting things with it.
0:10:24 > 0:10:29And one of them was to suspend a woman such that she was not
0:10:29 > 0:10:32earthed, and then get men who WERE earthed to kiss her,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34and you can see, he's winding round there in order to create
0:10:34 > 0:10:38an electric current, and you kissed them and you get a tingling feeling.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Well, when I was a kid, I grew up in the States, we used to have electric shock parties.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- You had very cheap sort of... - You put your tongue on batteries?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47No, you had cheap nylon carpet and we'd turn the lights out
0:10:47 > 0:10:50and everybody would stand and rub their feet on the carpet, and then go, "Now!"
0:10:50 > 0:10:52And you'd all kiss and there'd be a little spark.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Yes, we used to do that. At prep school, we had an area which
0:10:55 > 0:10:58was cut off for the ponies to graze, with an electric fence. Sorry.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03You'd grab the electric fence and the shock would go through,
0:11:03 > 0:11:05like a wave, through the whole line of us.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07It was kind of rather fun.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11There was also Stephen Gray and his amazing "orphan boy",
0:11:11 > 0:11:16who he hung down, and put a current through him.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19And the current attracted various objects,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22and this became so popular, he actually made a kit.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25You had to provide your own boy, but...
0:11:25 > 0:11:28But otherwise you had the kit with various glass rods
0:11:28 > 0:11:32and things like that, that the electricity would pick up.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37But as with all new inventions of any kind, people are going to try...?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- Electric cock.- Yes.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42And it was the discoverer of ultraviolet light, Johann Ritter,
0:11:42 > 0:11:46decided he would try...in the early days there was what was known as
0:11:46 > 0:11:52a voltaic pile, ie a battery, and he basically tried it on his groin.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54And he described it,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57"His organ began in a state of medium swelling."
0:11:57 > 0:11:59What we call a semi, I guess.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01LAUGHTER
0:12:01 > 0:12:05"He wrapped it in a piece of cloth," I hope you're taking notes at home,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08"moistened with lukewarm milk," that's lukewarm.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Try, poke your elbow in it and if it doesn't burn and it's not cold, like with a baby's bath.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15OK, you're following? You're taking notes, I'm doing it slow enough.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18"Then delicately you touch the wire from the positive pole to the
0:12:18 > 0:12:22"cloth and with the other hand, you close the circuit.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26"A shock jolted him, followed by a pleasant tingling.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31"The swelling continued.
0:12:31 > 0:12:37"Warmth spread from his groin and then finally, consummation."
0:12:37 > 0:12:39What kind of sex was he having?!
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- Electric sex.- Yeah, but I mean before that.- Oh, before that!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46"You're a lovely person, it's not you, it's me.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49"I just like dipping me testicles in warm milk
0:12:49 > 0:12:53"and then running a wire from me because... No! No! It's great.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55"Christmas was fantastic,
0:12:55 > 0:12:57"but this might spoil it for the rest of the family."
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- Aren't you going to do a display for us?- I'm not going to do a display!
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- Please!- I thought you were going to say "demonstration".
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Boil a kettle and throw it on your genitals.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Don't try this at home.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19You're sitting in your house and the lights start flickering
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- and you know he's at it next door with the milk cloth.- Yes!
0:13:26 > 0:13:27I mean, I'm sorry, but...
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Channel 5's gone off, it'll be him next door with the milk cloth.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34You know how every Christmas they always say,
0:13:34 > 0:13:39when all the lights go down, and you can't cook your turkey, it's because we're all watching telly.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41It's not, because all over Britain people are...
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- Are trying lukewarm milk on their... - They've got things, milk on their willies.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- It's all going on.- Yes? - I shared a dressing room for a while with a very short actor,
0:13:49 > 0:13:52and I came into the dressing room one evening. He wasn't expecting me,
0:13:52 > 0:13:56he was completely naked and he was trying to get his entire genitalia up into the basin.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00I said, "What are you doing?" He said, "I thought it was a good idea, I thought it was a good idea."
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I said, "What?" I'd got some muscle heat-rub.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- Ow!- He thought, "Well, it feels so nice on your leg..."
0:14:06 > 0:14:09It burns! The men are wincing already in the audience.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Ah. I'm sure Alan has many similar stories to tell.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Here's a really weird one.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21In 2005, a boy was admitted to hospital with two neodymium magnets,
0:14:21 > 0:14:25the strongest permanent magnets known to us,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28trapping a fold, shall we say, of his penis.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31He claimed that he had fallen down,
0:14:31 > 0:14:35or they had fallen down his trousers while he was playing with them.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37But they were so strong that they didn't know what to do.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Magnets can be demagnetized by heating them
0:14:39 > 0:14:43to a very high temperature, which wouldn't be very kind.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Or they could be hammered apart.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48So they were faced with a real medical problem,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50to save this boy's future, as it were.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54So they tried alternative solutions, such as bigger magnets.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58In the end they managed to remove them by "shearing the magnets away from each other, moving them
0:14:58 > 0:15:00"perpendicular to the force of attraction."
0:15:00 > 0:15:04So, don't try those magnets at home.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Anyway, let's move on. What's going on here?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13- Oh, are they kissing fish? - They're not...are they not aware there's a piece of glass?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- Kissing fish?- They're fighting. - Are they fighting?- They're fighting.
0:15:16 > 0:15:21- They're called kissing fish because it's what it looks like.- That may well be, but they don't kiss.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- But they're not kissing, they're fighting.- Exactly right. Gourami is their name.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29They don't kill each other by doing that, but one will get knackered and sometimes dies of exhaustion.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30It's never utterly fatal.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33It looks like the end of a balloon, doesn't it?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36It does, doesn't it? It's just like the end of a balloon.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38And what other fighting fish do we know?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- Oh, the...- The what-y fighting fish?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Well, they call them Samurai fighting fish, but...
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Not Samurai, no. Siamese fighting fish.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Very popular, they're used like cock fighting as a sport.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52They keep each separate in a little, just alone in a tank
0:15:52 > 0:15:55so it doesn't waste its energy by seeing another male.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57There's another version and they have little swords.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Well, they're really vicious fighters,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04and the one that loses just flees for its life, basically,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07but you bet on them, essentially, it's like cock fighting used to be.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10They're not the fish that eat all that spare skin
0:16:10 > 0:16:14- off your feet, are they? - Oh, supposedly, that's right. - Have you done that, Janet?
0:16:14 > 0:16:18- Have you done that?- No, I'm a bit worried that if I put my feet in hot water with the little fish...
0:16:18 > 0:16:22This is for pedicures, where they put these tiny fish in, and they're supposed to nibble your dead skin.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25I'd be more worried that they didn't want my feet.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29- Yes, that would be such an insult. - You put your feet in and they all go for the side again.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Ugh!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33And get little mouth washes.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37LAUGHTER
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I've done it. At first it's really strange,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42and then when you get used to it,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- what's stranger is 15 people filming you.- Ah.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49- Whilst you've got your feet in a tank going, "Ooh". - You did it on a TV thing did you?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52No, no, I just did it in a shopping centre.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58- And 15 passers-by decided...- Yeah, just went, "Oh, look..."- There's Johnny Vegas having his feet...
0:16:58 > 0:17:02"There's that Johnny Vegas getting off on putting his feet in water."
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Yeah. They have a lung-like organ in their bodies, these fighting fish.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Which means that they can breathe air.
0:17:09 > 0:17:14And actually, if we had enough supersaturated water with oxygen,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16we would be able to breathe water.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18And some people believe this is the future of the human race,
0:17:18 > 0:17:20you know, for diving and space travel,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23and things like that, that we actually breathe water.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26You do know after this I'm going to go home and drown in the bath,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- don't you?- No, don't! I'm going to write out a list...
0:17:29 > 0:17:34I take in bits of what you say to me and then guarantee my family
0:17:34 > 0:17:38it's safe, "Stephen said I can breathe underwater."
0:17:38 > 0:17:40There are certain earlier things...
0:17:40 > 0:17:42I am the future!
0:17:42 > 0:17:45There are some earlier things I've recommended that you can
0:17:45 > 0:17:50certainly do, but not the breathing underwater. But the lukewarm milk is fine, you can try that.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- Yeah.- I'd rather...
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I'd rather just drink it.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57What?! Oh, the milk.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Right. Sorry.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02God, yes, I understand. So, good.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05When gourami appear to be kissing, they're actually fighting.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08What's so attractive about ordinary people?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Not the movie, which is a very fine movie, of course. Mary Tyler Moore.
0:18:11 > 0:18:16It's them massive cars they drive, the... Buses.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Ordinary people drive buses.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22- What, you mean ordinary people are on buses?- Yeah.- Is it symmetry?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Well, it's not quite symmetry, this is known as koinophilia,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28and it seems that if you take two not very good-looking people
0:18:28 > 0:18:33and merge their image, people are more likely to be attracted to them.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37And Galton, who was a famous criminologist and was interested in the appearance of criminals, thought
0:18:37 > 0:18:40he would try and find the absolute criminal type by taking photographs
0:18:40 > 0:18:44of criminals and merging them and merging them, and he was astonished
0:18:44 > 0:18:47to find the more he did so, the more pleasant they appeared to be.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50So you average-out people's looks
0:18:50 > 0:18:52and we are more attracted to that, it seems.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55We've actually done a little merge of some of our friends
0:18:55 > 0:18:57around the table, just to show you how attractive you look
0:18:57 > 0:19:00when you put them together.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01- Ta da!- Oh, yeah!
0:19:05 > 0:19:06It's Jean from Tenerife.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Oh, no, we look like a tennis player.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12You do look like a tennis player, with an open piano lid.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15It looks very nice. And let's try the other two.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Oh! Oh!
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- Serial killer! - Let's not have children.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- The eyes...- Police are currently looking for...
0:19:30 > 0:19:33There's something a bit odd about the eyes there.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36But it's from your photograph, Johnny.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39We just look like the biggest idiot in the world.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I think someone took your photograph and did one of those,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- you know, red-eye things.- No, it looks like someone who walked in
0:19:45 > 0:19:48and caught his parents having sex and they didn't stop.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52He's the sort of man the police say, "Oh, he was quiet, always kept to himself."
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Yes, he was a loner.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55He was just a loner, perfectly nice.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58He used to cry a lot at Christmas.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Well, as I say, it's called koinophilia, and it is this theory.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Recent research, however, from the Australian National University,
0:20:06 > 0:20:10suggests that good-looking men earn 22% more than not good-looking men.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Yeah, because they're attractive because they're from Australia.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16No, within Australia. They're all Australian. Within Australia.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19The 22 better-looking percentage.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23A study of female golfers also found that they were better, they shot
0:20:23 > 0:20:27lower scores, and the theory is that they were more likely to have
0:20:27 > 0:20:32offers of sponsorship, and therefore played that much harder
0:20:32 > 0:20:34knowing how much money they would make.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Surely it's about confidence.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38If you look in the mirror and you think, "Wow, I'm a dish,"
0:20:38 > 0:20:40then you get out there and think, "And I can play golf."
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- Yeah, I suppose that's right.- But if you look in the mirror and weep...
0:20:44 > 0:20:48- And think, "What a dog." - I look in the mirror and I like it.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- And so you bloody well should. - I never look in a mirror.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53My partner's much taller than me and she put them all up,
0:20:53 > 0:20:54so I've never seen...
0:20:57 > 0:21:01I have windows at street level and I just pretend I'm different people.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Just walk past at the same time and go, "Looking good today.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11"Let's get out to that meeting quick while I've got that nice suit on."
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Then I realise I'm wearing a bin bag.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Anyway, moving on.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Now, what would you keep in one of these? I have one.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25There it is.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Is it a...
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- A penis.- Yeah, a penis is the right answer, Alan.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32It usually is the right answer.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- Is it from the...?- Is it hollow? - Is it an African...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37It's hollow, otherwise you'd have trouble keeping it in.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- Is it from Africa, Stephen? - It's not from Africa, no.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41- Where's it from?- Croydon.
0:21:41 > 0:21:46- It's from Papua New Guinea. - It's what anteaters wear when they're going to rob a post office.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53"It's just that little bit of disguise...is that you, Frank?"
0:21:53 > 0:21:54"No, no."
0:21:54 > 0:21:57I've been to Papua New Guinea and I've seen it...
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- They can be different sizes. - ..wibbly-wobbling about.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04They can be like this. But, oddly enough, they are not worn for status, they don't deliberately
0:22:04 > 0:22:07have a big thick one like that in order to suggest greater manhood.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08They often have a thin,
0:22:08 > 0:22:11rather strangely trailing-away one with a few hairs on the end.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Like this, exactly.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15That would really confuse Bugs Bunny.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20"I'm also de wabbit!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22"Or maybe I just wannabe fwiends."
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- What's it made of?- It's a gourd.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28It's a penis gourd, and it's a sort of relative of the squash family, I think, isn't it?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- I went to Papua New Guinea and... - Amazing place.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35It's fantastic, and I was taken to this remote island on a boat
0:22:35 > 0:22:39and then they painted me with war paint and presented me
0:22:39 > 0:22:42with a pig and a pile of yams.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Oh.- Pig, and then they did these gourd dances to me.
0:22:45 > 0:22:50- To, really, right at you. - Right at me, yes. I was really, really impressed.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54"They dined on yams and clams and human hams and vintage coconut wine,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57"the taste of which was filthy, but the after-effects divine,"
0:22:57 > 0:23:01- as Noel Coward put it.- I feel just like that in the taxi rank in Wigan.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05But amongst the tribes that have these kotekas,
0:23:05 > 0:23:08as they're called, are, in case there's any members watching,
0:23:08 > 0:23:11and I wouldn't want to leave you out, the Lani, the Mee,
0:23:11 > 0:23:14the Amungme, the Kamoro, the Yali, the Damal and the Moni.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17And the government tried to make them illegal and sent them all clothing.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20And for so many generations, they'd gone without clothing
0:23:20 > 0:23:23and been totally nude, except for these penis gourds,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26the clothing actually gave them rashes and all they do now is
0:23:26 > 0:23:30they use shorts sometimes to put on their heads.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31But they continue to go naked.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34I love the fact that when you read the tribes out, you went,
0:23:34 > 0:23:35"You know, not to offend anyone."
0:23:35 > 0:23:38That would be a brilliant Points Of View when they turn up.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Yes, it would. Yes.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41"You missed out my tribe!"
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Yes, in an otherwise thoroughly enjoyable programme, exactly.
0:23:45 > 0:23:46So, why is it so difficult
0:23:46 > 0:23:49to research the sexual habits of penguins?
0:23:50 > 0:23:51They're very private.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55- It's not really that they're private.- It's cold.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- It's cold, certainly. - Is it because it's graphic?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Well, it used to be very difficult to describe
0:24:00 > 0:24:02because we used to be very prudish.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Yes, I mean, Scott's trip to the Antarctic, Levick,
0:24:05 > 0:24:08the scientist, wrote it all out in Greek,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10he was so appalled by what they were up to.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Absolutely right. He wrote it in Ancient Greek,
0:24:12 > 0:24:15knowing that only a gentleman would be able to translate it.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18George Murray Levick, the naturalist on Scott's ill-fated expedition,
0:24:18 > 0:24:23and he discovered what he called the astonishing depravity
0:24:23 > 0:24:27of penguin behaviour, which includes rampant homosexuality.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Not just homosexuality, but rampant.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34To be fair, it's Antarctica - there's nothing else to do!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Necrophilia and, I'm sorry to say, paedophilia.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38And on their night off, they dress as pandas.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42It just muddies the water.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45So he wrote his account in Ancient Greek, absolutely right,
0:24:45 > 0:24:47so that an educated English gentlemen
0:24:47 > 0:24:49would be the only person to understand it.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52The penguins in the London Zoo, are they doing all this
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- in full view of school parties? - They may well be.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- These particular species... - You've got to have...
0:24:59 > 0:25:02You've got to go to the zoo a lot before you go,
0:25:02 > 0:25:06"Not Kevin!" Generally, you just go, "There's penguins."
0:25:06 > 0:25:12I'm just worried whether there's a warning outside the penguin enclosure.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15How would you phrase that for visiting school parties?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19"Warning! Penguin might be buggering auntie, uncle, granddad..."
0:25:20 > 0:25:26Stephen, maybe they can't tell, right, and I just... Don't go mad,
0:25:26 > 0:25:32the animal rights people or anyone else, but maybe if we drug them
0:25:32 > 0:25:35and sex them and then we put tiny bikinis on some of them.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Then the grown-up penguins
0:25:39 > 0:25:42can tell who they should be having sex with and who they shouldn't.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Not bikinis. A nun's habit.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48That would confuse the priests!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53But the Adelie penguins were the kind this man looked at,
0:25:53 > 0:25:58and it's now thought that his idea of necrophilia was probably wrong.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- They were asleep.- Yeah, they were!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Was it not that a female lying there dead with their eyes like that
0:26:05 > 0:26:08looked a bit like a "come hither" look to a penguin?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Yes, they can't tell the difference between a frozen dead one
0:26:11 > 0:26:15and a living one. They look as if they're coming on to you if they're lying there dead.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17I've had that experience quite a few times.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22It's actually very hard to sex a penguin,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- by which I mean to determine its gender.- Give it that stick.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Not for them. They seem to know instinctively,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29either by smell or some other thing.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32One of the common ways of being pretty sure,
0:26:32 > 0:26:35assuming it's a straight penguin, is muddy footprints on the female
0:26:35 > 0:26:39tells you that it's a female because it's been walked on by the male.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44The feminists are going to love this bit. Footprints on a woman.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48That's for sex.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51It's quite Almodovar, though, isn't it, if it's high heels.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53But I don't think it's high heels in the case of penguins.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55You don't THINK?
0:26:58 > 0:27:02I was trying to be, you know, not too assertive in my knowledge.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Their life is astounding.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I mean, you kind of think they've drawn the short straw in life.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09The miserable cold they have to endure for so long.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Is it true they used to fall over during the Falklands? Is that true?
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Lots of planes came over, which they hadn't seen before,
0:27:17 > 0:27:19and they went, "Whoa!"
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- It's unfortunately a myth. It's not true.- Oh, it's a lovely story.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25It's a nice story, but it's not true.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Can you imagine in the bird world if you introduced postcodes?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Penguins would move.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35- Yes, they would! SW3. - Somewhere warmer and bigger wings.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37I don't think they would want to move,
0:27:37 > 0:27:40because they've got flippers and flat feet.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- They need ice to move around on. - They're born for it.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45They're not going to say, "I'm going to move to the Himalayas,"
0:27:45 > 0:27:47- or, "I'm going to move somewhere..." - You know what, Janet?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49You haven't thought this through, because one,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52they wouldn't know what a postcode is.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55And two, they can't fly!
0:27:55 > 0:27:58And I doubt one of them getting on a plane,
0:27:58 > 0:28:02by themselves, acting casual after raping all the family.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07I would imagine they'd be on a no-flight...
0:28:07 > 0:28:10APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:15I'm just saying, in an ideal world, given the choice, the penguins
0:28:15 > 0:28:21would go, "We've had the short end of the deal." That's all I'm saying.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Don't turn this into Question Time!
0:28:25 > 0:28:28- It's like being in a home for the elderly.- It really is.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30They keep taking me stuff!
0:28:30 > 0:28:34All right, all right, whatever...
0:28:34 > 0:28:36LAUGHTER
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Are we having fish?!
0:28:39 > 0:28:42- Wheel him into the sun lounge... - Shut up, Mr Penguin!
0:28:44 > 0:28:49So, how did a bunch of choir boys plan to drive Hitler mad?
0:28:50 > 0:28:54We've been very literal there. There's Hitler in a straitjacket.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56It's a, it's a plot. I do know this.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00- Yeah?- Porn.- Pornography. - Pornography, they were going to drive him mad with pornography.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02- That's absolutely right. - Was the plan.- Yeah.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05They had groups called the Cowboys, who were behind enemy lines,
0:29:05 > 0:29:07and the Choir Boys were the people in Washington.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10- That's right. - And they came up with bonkers ideas.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13All kinds of suggestions. I mean, we did too, bouncing bombs, ridiculous
0:29:13 > 0:29:15and yet that was one that worked.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18And Churchill chose the date precisely in May 1943,
0:29:18 > 0:29:21when the floods were at their full height in the dams
0:29:21 > 0:29:24and he was in Washington, so that if it worked he could announce it.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27And it would be the first real invasion into German territory
0:29:27 > 0:29:30that caused a massive difference.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33And Lord Cherwell, his scientific adviser, said to him, reportedly,
0:29:33 > 0:29:36"But what if it doesn't work?"
0:29:36 > 0:29:40And Churchill said, "Then no-one will ever hear anything about it."
0:29:40 > 0:29:42And that's the point about these mad schemes.
0:29:42 > 0:29:46There were all these really zany plans. But most of them we don't know about.
0:29:46 > 0:29:50And a lot of them were covered up and probably we never will. We know about the ones that work.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52This is one that didn't work but we do know about.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55- But this was smut. They were going to drop smut. - Basically, it was pornography.
0:29:55 > 0:30:00- All over Germany, and... - Well, particularly to drive Hitler mad, over Berchtesgaden,
0:30:00 > 0:30:01his residence.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04So leaflets were going to cascade down from the sky.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06- That would drive him mad. - Absolutely.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09The US Army Air Corps described it as insane and refused to do it.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12But it did have an important role to play, pornography.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14And of course, these were ones that the Germans
0:30:14 > 0:30:17dropped on the Allies, because they did the same thing.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19Germans and Japanese.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22We didn't have much of a porno war effort, in Britain.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24We were squeamish. The senior officers,
0:30:24 > 0:30:28one was quoted saying he would, "Rather lose the war than take part".
0:30:28 > 0:30:31Which is simply extraordinary. Air Marshal Sir Arthur "Bomber" Harris didn't approve,
0:30:31 > 0:30:34said it was just like sending them free lavatory paper.
0:30:34 > 0:30:38What does it say about our troops that the German troops were willing
0:30:38 > 0:30:42to drop the pornography and ours are going, "Well, I'm not giving it away.
0:30:42 > 0:30:47- "Keep it Frank, we'll sell..." - I like to think it was a more decent reason than that, Johnny.
0:30:47 > 0:30:48"We'll sell it when we get back."
0:30:48 > 0:30:51But dropping leaflets was a big thing, the first the Danes knew of
0:30:51 > 0:30:54the Germans invading was that the leaflets were dropping over...
0:30:54 > 0:30:57Yes, leaflet dropping was a huge thing. Absolutely right.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59It was what's called a black op, we'd call it now.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02Do you know, you must know, Stephen, about the eavesdropping cat
0:31:02 > 0:31:04- that the CIA came up with. - I've heard about it.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06The most brilliant idea.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09They got this cat and they inserted a transmitter
0:31:09 > 0:31:14and the aerial was in its tail, and this was in Moscow,
0:31:14 > 0:31:17and the idea was that it would walk past Russian spies
0:31:17 > 0:31:20sitting on a bench and it would overhear.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24And they spent millions on this cat, and it was terrific
0:31:24 > 0:31:27and they'd worked it all out, and on its very first outing in the park,
0:31:27 > 0:31:29it got hit by a taxi.
0:31:30 > 0:31:34- It was known as Acoustic Kitty. - That's right, Acoustic Kitty.
0:31:34 > 0:31:35Poor Acoustic Kitty.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38The bouncing bomb would be a war crime now, wouldn't it,
0:31:38 > 0:31:41- for the civilians killed?- There were a lot of civilians killed.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44I don't know if it was a legitimate war target or not, in total war. I don't think...
0:31:44 > 0:31:47- I think since they've agreed. - There was a good story I came across
0:31:47 > 0:31:50when I was writing a script for the Dam Busters
0:31:50 > 0:31:53and there was one of the members of one of the crews which
0:31:53 > 0:31:56crashed after dropping its bomb, and was picked up by the Germans.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59And they were treated pretty well, and one of them said,
0:31:59 > 0:32:03"Well, what do you need? You know, according to the laws of, you know,
0:32:03 > 0:32:07"the Geneva Convention, you know, are you thirsty?" They said a glass of water would be lovely.
0:32:07 > 0:32:10And he said, "Are you joking? You have just destroyed our water supply."
0:32:10 > 0:32:14And that was the first time the guy realised that one of the bombs had actually worked.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17And that's how he found out that the Mohne had gone, because he was
0:32:17 > 0:32:20saying there is no water, which is quite sweet in its own peculiar way.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23- Anyway... - HE HUMS DAMBUSTERS THEME
0:32:23 > 0:32:27One mad idea to win the war was to use pornography to drive
0:32:27 > 0:32:29Hitler mad, as if he wasn't already.
0:32:29 > 0:32:33So, what is 80% of the Kama Sutra about? Back to kinkiness.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36- Hygiene.- Hygiene!
0:32:37 > 0:32:41- Gymnastics.- Intercourse.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43Oh! Dear me, no.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46Well, intercourse can have the meanings,
0:32:46 > 0:32:49but the fact is only 20% is about sex.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52Most of it is about all kinds of other fascinating subjects.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55How to be a good citizen, insight into relationships between men
0:32:55 > 0:32:59and women, tips on tattooing, the art of making your bed,
0:32:59 > 0:33:02playing on musical glasses which are filled with water,
0:33:02 > 0:33:06making lemonade, solving word puzzles, knowledge of mines
0:33:06 > 0:33:10and quarries, the art of cockfighting. No, don't...
0:33:11 > 0:33:14The art of teaching parrots and starlings to speak.
0:33:14 > 0:33:18Nine pages devoted to the care of wives
0:33:18 > 0:33:20and 26 pages on how to seduce other men's wives.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23That's a bit strange.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25I love this idea of a child setting up a lemonade stand and saying,
0:33:25 > 0:33:28"Courtesy of the Kama Sutra."
0:33:29 > 0:33:33- But on the video, on the film of the book...- Yes, on 20% of the book.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36There's very, very little starling chat.
0:33:36 > 0:33:41I suspect you were getting a video of 20% of the Kama Sutra.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43The author was a celibate Indian sage,
0:33:43 > 0:33:46so what he knew, goodness knows,
0:33:46 > 0:33:47but he was called Vatsyayana,
0:33:47 > 0:33:50and he lived sometime between the first and sixth century.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53Sometimes, very cleverly, there is a moral tone that distances itself
0:33:53 > 0:33:56between what it tells you... It says, for example,
0:33:56 > 0:33:58all oral sex is wrong. It then spends pages and pages
0:33:58 > 0:34:00telling you how to do it.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05- Now, who came up with the missionary position.- A missionary.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07No!
0:34:07 > 0:34:09KLAXON SOUNDS
0:34:09 > 0:34:11What is the missionary position, first?
0:34:11 > 0:34:14It's the approved position by a missionary.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18Lady on her back, man on top.
0:34:18 > 0:34:23Yes, it's a mistake made by the famous sexologist Kinsey
0:34:23 > 0:34:24who named it...
0:34:24 > 0:34:26What has been Photoshopped out of that picture?
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Has Mrs Kinsey been removed?
0:34:32 > 0:34:35He of course wrote a book on the sexuality of the American male
0:34:35 > 0:34:39and the American female, which shocked America extraordinarily.
0:34:39 > 0:34:43He said that 96% of American males masturbate regularly
0:34:43 > 0:34:46and he was asked what the hell that said about the American male.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48He said, "It says 4% lie."
0:34:49 > 0:34:52But as far as the missionary position is concerned,
0:34:52 > 0:34:55it was an anthropologist called Bronislaw Malinowski
0:34:55 > 0:34:58who described an engaged couple holding hands
0:34:58 > 0:35:03and leaning against each other in what was known as "misinari si bubunela",
0:35:03 > 0:35:06missionary fashion, and that was just friendliness, leaning on each other.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08It was nothing to do with man-on-top sex.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11He said it was introduced by white traders,
0:35:11 > 0:35:14planters or officials, but never used the word missionary,
0:35:14 > 0:35:16but it was Kinsey who somehow just got it wrong.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18Kinsey himself was a very odd man.
0:35:18 > 0:35:22He had an irrational hatred of... the potato.
0:35:22 > 0:35:27- Even chips?- I guess all forms of the potato.- Do we know why?
0:35:27 > 0:35:29No, it was irrational, that's the point.
0:35:29 > 0:35:33I was married to a man that had an irrational fear of tomatoes.
0:35:33 > 0:35:37He was a great big burly film director, very macho bloke,
0:35:37 > 0:35:40but put a tomato in front of him and he'd start crying.
0:35:42 > 0:35:47Day in, day out, you did that. A cherry won in the medicine cabinet.
0:35:47 > 0:35:48Ah!
0:35:50 > 0:35:54- Did you know why?- Irrational.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00If there was a reason, it would a rational fear of tomatoes.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03There's no such which thing as a rational fear of tomatoes! That's ridiculous.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07An irrational fear can have some starting point.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09As a child, a tomato reared up at him.
0:36:09 > 0:36:10If I didn't want to have sex,
0:36:10 > 0:36:13- I had a tomato sandwich by the bed. - Very clever.
0:36:13 > 0:36:19"Come on, Janet. Oh, God! A tomato sandwich. Good night."
0:36:23 > 0:36:26When Kinsey was nervous, he would speak in a Scottish accent,
0:36:26 > 0:36:28although he was born and raised in New Jersey.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: "I'm so upset. I'm afraid."
0:36:31 > 0:36:33That's right.
0:36:33 > 0:36:37And he trained himself to be able to insert pencils into his penis.
0:36:37 > 0:36:41- Into his penis?- Into, into the urethra.- He trained himself?
0:36:41 > 0:36:45You wouldn't train anyone else, would you, to do that?
0:36:45 > 0:36:47He might have put a sign up and then thought,
0:36:47 > 0:36:49"Due to lack of applicants..."
0:36:51 > 0:36:56- That not only a pencil, but a toothbrush, bristles first.- No!
0:36:56 > 0:37:00- Yes!- Every year, when his wife's going, "He's impossible to buy for,"
0:37:00 > 0:37:05and he's going, "A travel pouch. A pencil case!
0:37:05 > 0:37:09"I'm tired of carrying things round in my penis."
0:37:09 > 0:37:13"What about a travel iron?" "No!"
0:37:13 > 0:37:17His wife actually said, "I don't see much of Alfred since he got interested in sex,"
0:37:17 > 0:37:20which is a terribly sad thing for a wife to say about her husband.
0:37:20 > 0:37:24- Why he pushed things up his penis, again, no idea.- Irrational.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27So, anyway, which of these foods would give you the same
0:37:27 > 0:37:30number of calories as used in the average sex session?
0:37:30 > 0:37:33- I don't think it's a lot of... - You don't think it's many calories.
0:37:33 > 0:37:37- I think it's quite a lot. - You think it's a lot.- Do you? You think it's pizza lot?
0:37:37 > 0:37:39I think it's about 400 calories.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42400 calories, which would be a good pizza at least, wouldn't it?
0:37:42 > 0:37:46- Maybe a slice of pizza, not a whole one.- Slice of pizza, yeah. You think it's fewer?
0:37:46 > 0:37:47I'm going to go for the steak.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50- Well, it's interesting. - I'm going to go for the burger.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54- You'll have the burger. - I'll have a slice of tart. - You'll have a slice of tart. Hey.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57- But without the bread.- And what about you?- I'll have the courgette and the shrimp,
0:37:57 > 0:38:01- because it's got quite a lot of possibilities. - Yes, that is a good ploy.
0:38:01 > 0:38:06Well, David Allison, who is a bio-statistician at the University of Alabama, looked into it.
0:38:06 > 0:38:10And the average sex session takes only six minutes.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13What, from beginning to end?
0:38:13 > 0:38:15So the amount of calories used would be 20,
0:38:15 > 0:38:18that's about the same as one egg white or a very small meringue.
0:38:18 > 0:38:23LAUGHTER
0:38:23 > 0:38:24There you are. That's...
0:38:24 > 0:38:28Does the six minutes include the bit where you watch the news?
0:38:28 > 0:38:30What, to see if you've made it on?
0:38:30 > 0:38:33"We've done it, let's put the news on."
0:38:33 > 0:38:36Kinsey showed that it is no easy task describing people's sex lives,
0:38:36 > 0:38:38so these figures are up for argument.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41A 2008 survey by Durex, who might be regarded as having
0:38:41 > 0:38:43a sort of vested interest, as makers of...
0:38:43 > 0:38:47Oh. That's The Graduate, isn't it? The stage version. Anyway...
0:38:47 > 0:38:48She's got that look, hasn't she?
0:38:48 > 0:38:51She has. That was a disappointment, quite clearly.
0:38:51 > 0:38:55- Yeah.- That was half a meringue.- Yeah. - "Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Robinson?"
0:38:55 > 0:39:00Anyway, Durex reported the average Briton enjoys 22.5 minutes of foreplay,
0:39:00 > 0:39:04while another survey at around the same time in Men's Health
0:39:04 > 0:39:09claimed that British men only last 18.64 minutes from foreplay to climax.
0:39:09 > 0:39:13So if we level out those different statistics, we could argue that British men take,
0:39:13 > 0:39:17in terms of actual intercourse itself, minus 3.86 minutes.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21In the Second World War,
0:39:21 > 0:39:23they used condoms to protect the ends of the rifle.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26- In the north, in the final attack on Norway.- It was so successful
0:39:26 > 0:39:28that they decided that they could do with some
0:39:28 > 0:39:32for their 18-inch guns and special condoms were manufactured by...
0:39:32 > 0:39:34- Is this the Churchill story? - Yes, by Durex.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37We've told it on QI, but tell it again, because it's good.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40Well, Churchill insisted that they be sent out in boxes marked
0:39:40 > 0:39:43"for British service personnel use only. Size small."
0:39:45 > 0:39:48He added, "That'll show 'em who's the master race."
0:39:58 > 0:40:01So, if you want to work off the weight gained by eating
0:40:01 > 0:40:03a tiny meringue, sex should do it.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Now it's time for one of my knick-knacks,
0:40:05 > 0:40:07a little scientific experiment.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09And all I have to do, yes, I know, it's terribly exciting,
0:40:09 > 0:40:11- isn't it, is bring up this.- Ah ha!
0:40:11 > 0:40:13I don't know if you can see in here the tiny little
0:40:13 > 0:40:18grains of a little kind of, a little crystalline matter.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21- And a bottle here. - Salt and vinegar.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23It looks like salt and vinegar. Bizarrely, that is what is used
0:40:23 > 0:40:26for flavouring salt and vinegar, sodium acetate.
0:40:26 > 0:40:30It's got caustic soda and vinegar, which is what makes sodium acetate.
0:40:30 > 0:40:34It's then dissolved slowly in water. It's very unstable, if I shook it, it would instantly crystallise,
0:40:34 > 0:40:38so I'm going to be very careful about this. But if you add it to crystals, it also crystallises,
0:40:38 > 0:40:41- and I hope to make a dildo for you. - Oh, good.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43A dildo just out of this liquid.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46I'm going to stand up to do it, if the camera allows me to, because
0:40:46 > 0:40:49it needs a steady hand and I need to keep rising as I'm slowly pouring.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52It's a bit like making mayonnaise, you know, very slowly adding,
0:40:52 > 0:40:54adding the oil.
0:40:54 > 0:40:57- It's nothing like making mayonnaise. - No, you very slowly...
0:40:57 > 0:40:58You're making a phallus.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01You very... No, no, in terms of the making, but in terms of the pouring.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03This could ruin Mothers' Day for some people.
0:41:03 > 0:41:05I'm just going to slowly pour it.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07Can you see there's a tiny bit of crystal on there?
0:41:07 > 0:41:09So a really very, very small amount.
0:41:09 > 0:41:10- Yeah.- OK.- Here we are.
0:41:10 > 0:41:14I've got to have a steady slow stream, let's just hope it works.
0:41:19 > 0:41:20Oooh!
0:41:20 > 0:41:22Oh, I say.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27- JOHNNY:- It's a snowman dildo.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31# We're walking in the air... #
0:41:31 > 0:41:33LAUGHTER
0:41:35 > 0:41:39# We're going to land for just awhile... #
0:41:39 > 0:41:41"Snowman needs his private time!"
0:41:46 > 0:41:48"Get off me back!"
0:41:48 > 0:41:51It's not very easy to be very accurate.
0:41:51 > 0:41:54I've got to keep doing higher, otherwise it'll touch itself
0:41:54 > 0:41:57and blow back into the bottle. But there you go. How's that?
0:41:57 > 0:41:58Aah!
0:41:58 > 0:42:01APPLAUSE
0:42:05 > 0:42:07It's exothermic nucleation,
0:42:07 > 0:42:09for the science heads out there.
0:42:09 > 0:42:13It's slightly warm. It feels rather gorgeous, and, I mean...
0:42:15 > 0:42:17- It's a nice...- He made one earlier.
0:42:17 > 0:42:23It's a nice consistency, it's not poisonous, it's not dangerous, but it's a wonderful effect, isn't it?
0:42:23 > 0:42:25- Yes, I like it. - It's gorgeous. Yeah, there you are.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27It's not an absolutely perfect dildo, but it's...
0:42:27 > 0:42:29What's disturbing is it looks like mine.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31Yes, exactly.
0:42:31 > 0:42:35So that was the supersaturated sodium acetate knick-knack.
0:42:35 > 0:42:37And these are the final scores.
0:42:37 > 0:42:42And for possibly the first time, we have three people on plus scores.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44- It's thrilling.- What?
0:42:44 > 0:42:47The winner, with 11 is Sandi Toksvig.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49APPLAUSE
0:42:49 > 0:42:52In a very, very fine second place
0:42:52 > 0:42:55with three points is Johnny Vegas.
0:42:55 > 0:42:59APPLAUSE
0:42:59 > 0:43:03And with a shatteringly impressive plus two, Janet Street-Porter.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05Brilliant!
0:43:05 > 0:43:09And the only one plunging into sub-zero conditions,
0:43:09 > 0:43:13I'm afraid, is Alan Davies with minus 15.
0:43:13 > 0:43:15APPLAUSE
0:43:20 > 0:43:24So it's good night from Sandi, Johnny, Janet, Alan and me.
0:43:24 > 0:43:27Be very, very special with yourselves, goodbye, bye.
0:43:41 > 0:43:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd