0:00:28 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40where tonight we'll be sorting out the Knights from the Knaves.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Strapping on the breastplate of interestingness,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45we have a goodly knight, Sue Perkins.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:52A knight to remember, Victoria Coren.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:01A very perfect, gentle knight, the Reverend Richard Coles.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:09And the long, dark knight of the soul, Alan Davies.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:15 > 0:01:18And their knightly noises all come from naves.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Sue goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:23PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Lovely. And Victoria goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Richard goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:35PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:01:37 > 0:01:39And Alan goes...
0:01:39 > 0:01:42# Fruity, fruity, fruity!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44# Fruity, fruity, fruity! #
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Yes.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47# Fruity, fruity, fruity! #
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Yes!
0:01:48 > 0:01:53# Fruity, fruity, fruity! #
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Let... You have been warned.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57LAUGHTER
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Let's head straight to the lists.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Why was the Black Prince so-called?
0:02:02 > 0:02:03PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Rev Richard?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Well, if my Ladybird Book Of Princes is to be trusted,
0:02:07 > 0:02:09it's because he had black armour.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11KLAXON
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Ey! It's the one occasion where the inestimable Ladybird series
0:02:14 > 0:02:16has let you down. There is no evidence.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Is it like Reservoir Dogs, where they weren't allowed to use their first names
0:02:19 > 0:02:23and they got a sign up saying, "You're the Black Knight, you're the White Knight,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27"you're the Pink Knight"? "Why do I have to be the Pink Knight?" "Just be the Pink Knight."
0:02:27 > 0:02:28It might as well be true.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29# Fruity! #
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Yes?- Was he black?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Well, oddly enough,
0:02:36 > 0:02:40his mother was perhaps of Moorish descent.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- Ah.- Philippa of Hainault.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Which is a Tube line, isn't it?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Hainault is very near where I grew up.- Oh, there you are.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- 'Ainault.- ANAL. Do you like ANAL?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Anal... Steady!
0:02:51 > 0:02:52LAUGHTER
0:02:52 > 0:02:55I just... Is it, is Hainault good? Is, is...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57LAUGHTER
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- What, what, what happened?- I don't know.- Did something happen there?
0:03:00 > 0:03:01I mean...
0:03:01 > 0:03:04APPLAUSE
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I find, at the end of every Tube line, you do get a good Hainault.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11I think it falls to me to rescue this, somehow.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Yes, I think you should, yes.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Did you know that the oldest British door comes from Hainault?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- No. The oldest door?- Well, it's in Westminster Abbey,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21it's a door which connects a cloister to the Abbey,
0:03:21 > 0:03:23and the Canons of Westminster live behind it,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25and they dated their door.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27And they found that the wood it was made from
0:03:27 > 0:03:30was growing in Hainault in the 10th century.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Wow! Are you proud?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I am very proud of the door.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38The sign painters are getting busy right now, going,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40"Home of the oldest door."
0:03:40 > 0:03:44- It's a reason to get off at Hainault, finally.- Yeah.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Is it a wood that grew there a thousand years ago?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Yeah. Well, Philippa of Hainault was perhaps of Moorish descent.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52So that may be the reason he was called the Black Prince,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- we don't know for a fact. - I'm wondering, do you think the Black Prince might have been
0:03:55 > 0:03:58called the Black Prince cos his sins were as black as pitch?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Yes. I mean, although he was known as the Master Of Chivalry,
0:04:01 > 0:04:05he almost destroyed the entire population of Limoges and Caen.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- He doesn't look like he's capable of it.- No, he doesn't, does he?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I know a fact about the Black Prince.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I don't know if it's definitely a fact,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14but this is something my husband told me.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17David Mitchell told you something and you believe it?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22You know those sort of early dates when you're just
0:04:22 > 0:04:26talking about whether you were happy at school and heraldry.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Is this true that - wait now - he stole something off a corpse?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I remember the romance of the moment...
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- You're thinking of, "Ich Dien." - Yes, "Ich Dien,"
0:04:38 > 0:04:40which the Prince of Wales wears now,
0:04:40 > 0:04:43that was stolen by the Black Prince off a corpse on a battlefield.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45That's right, and it was the feathers as well,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48the three feathers that are the symbol of the Prince of Wales.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53It was the King of Bohemia and he had a very serious disability,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55but he still rode into battle.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56He was blind.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01That explains appalling make-up. LAUGHTER
0:05:01 > 0:05:04That was the King of Bohemia who went into battle against him,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07and he defeated him and took his colours,
0:05:07 > 0:05:09which were the three Prince of Wales feathers
0:05:09 > 0:05:12and the motto, "I serve." "Ich Dien."
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Do you know, stealing from dead people was a quite big...
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Do you know St Hugh of Lincoln, the great St Hugh of Lincoln...
0:05:17 > 0:05:21I think we are all pretty, yes, up to speed on St Hugh of Lincoln.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24He was one of the great saints of the Middle Ages,
0:05:24 > 0:05:28but he was staying with some monk friends in France,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31and they had the preserved arm of Mary Magdalene...
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I thought I'd got that?!
0:05:33 > 0:05:37- You got the other one. - 25 quid I paid for that!
0:05:37 > 0:05:40He bent down to venerate it and while he was down there,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43he bit off her finger. It's true. He took it back to Lincoln.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44When you say, "It's true,"
0:05:44 > 0:05:49I happen to know you have written a book on rather obscure saints and
0:05:49 > 0:05:52are you suggesting that everything about all of them is true?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I'm suggesting that very little about them is true.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57The biting off the finger of Mary Magdalene is true.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01His friendship with a swan is doubtful.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04When you say, "Friendship with a swan," are you being euphemistic?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06No, his best friend was a swan.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11And it's depicted in one of his, sort of, portraits,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13that he walks around with a swan.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15But if you look at Lincoln Cathedral,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17it has a vault which is all wonky, which he built, which is
0:06:17 > 0:06:20said to suggest the flight of a swan's wing.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22That's great if builders do something wrong.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26They could just say, "I was trying to evoke a swan's wing."
0:06:26 > 0:06:28"Yes, that's right.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31"No, that is a symbol of me being crap at building."
0:06:31 > 0:06:34He really did bite off the finger.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37There was a huge, huge trade in bitten off relics.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40You know, you weren't on the ecclesiastical map
0:06:40 > 0:06:42until you had a good dead bit of someone.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45So he was notorious for stuffing his mouth with bitten off
0:06:45 > 0:06:47members of one kind or another.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49LAUGHTER
0:06:49 > 0:06:51The Black Prince, of course, was, as I say, leader of chivalry
0:06:51 > 0:06:53and chivalry was all about jousting,
0:06:53 > 0:06:55so can you tell me anything about jousting?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57What the rules were of jousting
0:06:57 > 0:06:59in the lists, as they were called?
0:06:59 > 0:07:00You had to...
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Now, there is the big, massive cotton bud
0:07:02 > 0:07:05and you have to hit the shield?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08You get a point if you hit the shield or their breastplate?
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Absolutely right.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12The rules vary but one set of rules we have is that you win
0:07:12 > 0:07:16- the joust if you get three points. - That's how we do it in Croydon.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19You get three points and you get a point for knocking someone
0:07:19 > 0:07:22straight on the breastplate so that it shatters the lance.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25A glancing blow doesn't count.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28In the dinner show at the Excalibur casino in Las Vegas, the winner
0:07:28 > 0:07:31is the last one to jump off their horse.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- Do they really have that?- Yes,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36it's a brilliant show because they've got King Arthur
0:07:36 > 0:07:40and he fights against his long lost son Prince Christopher.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I think the people that put the show together don't
0:07:43 > 0:07:46know that there's other people in the story apart from King Arthur.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48They thought, "Well, we can't have a story
0:07:48 > 0:07:50"that only gives you one person,
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- "so we will just invent Prince Christopher."- Christopher?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Yes, and he wins because he gets off his horse last
0:07:55 > 0:07:58and then you all have a big piece of chicken.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00But there's no Game Of Thrones... with those noises
0:08:00 > 0:08:03and heads coming off and blood spurting out?
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- They're real people so...- Oh, right. There are ways of doing that.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09- Do you have to dress as a wench? - You say have to.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:18- Yes, they give you some plaits to put on.- Sounds all a bit Bavarian!
0:08:18 > 0:08:21This is the Excalibur English-themed casino.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25It is sort of Harry Potter, Robin Hood, King Arthur
0:08:25 > 0:08:28and the Queen are all roughly the same vintage.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30You can buy memorabilia of all of them in the same shop.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- How many people are sitting down for dinner at this event?- 200.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37It's much like this room actually.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40If Richard and I now galloped towards each other on horseback with lances,
0:08:40 > 0:08:44as I very much hope we will later, that's exactly what it would be like.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- It's just people have buckets of chicken...- Don't they get a bit...
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Getting a horse into a casino is a fairly elaborate thing, isn't it?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Las Vegas has white tigers. They had Siegfried & Roy
0:08:53 > 0:08:55- with their white tigers.- They do.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58They don't really have Siegfried & Roy any more.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- There was a terrible mauling.- Yes.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Actually, I really respected Siegfried & Roy
0:09:02 > 0:09:03a lot more after that because for years,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05people thought they were all cheesy and mainstream
0:09:05 > 0:09:08and then one of them had his head bitten off by a tiger.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10It showed that every night they were actually taking a risk.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- They really were.- The Vicar of Stiffkey, he was bitten by a lion.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18- He was, Roger something or other. - Harold Davidson I think it was.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19You're right.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21He was in the '30s, I think,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24he was a vicar of Stiffkey, but he used to try and reform
0:09:24 > 0:09:28prostitutes in what we'd say is in a very hands-on ministry kind of way.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29LAUGHTER
0:09:29 > 0:09:32That's what a prostitute needs really.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Just a bit more prostituting, but with a goodly hand.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37He was tireless in his dedication to his flock
0:09:37 > 0:09:40and rather got in a soup,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44and he ended up as a lion tamer in I think it was Skegness.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47It went horribly wrong and he was bitten by his lion
0:09:47 > 0:09:50and that was the end of the Vicar of Stiffkey.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Are you sure you're not accidentally recounting the plot of a limerick?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Anyway. So there we are.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Now, what is the first rule of Knight Club?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05LAUGHTER
0:10:05 > 0:10:07The first rule of Knight Club?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- Yeah.- Well...
0:10:12 > 0:10:14..you don't talk about Knight Club.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17KLAXON
0:10:17 > 0:10:19APPLAUSE
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Oh! It had to be.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- Somebody had to.- Well done.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28- Yeah, exactly.- I fell on my sword, which seems appropriate. - Yeah, it was, exactly.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30It is an existing club, or a club from the olden times?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34No, it's a very olde-times club of knights.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36The most famous group of knights of...
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- Templar.- The Knights Templar.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41There are still people who think they still exist and, you know,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43in the sort of Dan Browny kind of way,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46but they actually folded up in 1314. But they were very powerful.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49It was after the First Crusade, they were formed, in Jerusalem.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53And they were allowed to do almost anything. The law didn't apply to them in Jerusalem,
0:10:53 > 0:10:57which annoyed a lot of people, but there were certain things they weren't allowed to do.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59They weren't allowed to breed ferrets?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02To breed ferrets! Anything else you know about them?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- Well, you know they look like that. - Chew gum.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- I know about ley lines. - Go on then.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- They made them.- They made... You see,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13you've been reading these stupid books about knights,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16"Apparently, they are responsible for laying ley lines."
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- No, well...- "No." - They know where they are, anyway.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Yes, they do. They've got them all hidden.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- No sex?- Well, yeah, they were allowed to marry,
0:11:24 > 0:11:27but if they married, they weren't allowed to wear the white and red uniform.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29There was no hunting except lions.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30LAUGHTER
0:11:30 > 0:11:34- That's quite specific.- That would actually be a brilliant rule for now, wouldn't it?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36There's so much debate about whether you should hunt or not.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Please everyone - "OK, hunting is allowed, but only lions."
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Lions. That's very true.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43They were only allowed one squire each, no telling tales,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45no lockable purses.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- Oh.- Yeah.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I suppose they have to show their trust or something like that.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52But their last and most important rule was no kissing.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55"Lastly, we hold it dangerous to all religion
0:11:55 > 0:11:57"to gaze too much on the countenance of women
0:11:57 > 0:12:00"and therefore, no brother shall presume to kiss neither widow,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03"nor virgin, nor mother, nor sister, nor aunt, nor any other woman."
0:12:03 > 0:12:05But anal's all right.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06LAUGHTER
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Well...
0:12:07 > 0:12:09APPLAUSE
0:12:12 > 0:12:15It's very funny you should say that, because one of the reasons
0:12:15 > 0:12:18they were closed down is there was a charge against them...
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- Too much buggery.- Yeah.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22There was a charge against them.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26"Deosculabantur se in ore, in umbilico, seu ventre nudo,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29"et in ano, seu in spina dorsi." "Et in ano."
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- Et in ano.- "Et in ano." - And the end, yeah.- Yeah.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33And in Hainault.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36And the accusation was that they kissed one another on the mouth,
0:12:36 > 0:12:41on the naval, the bare belly, the anus, or the backbone.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- Well, they were thorough.- They were!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45LAUGHTER
0:12:46 > 0:12:50When you're looking for a ley line, you don't want to leave any stone unturned.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52"There might be one coming out of his arse!"
0:12:52 > 0:12:54"I'll have a look."
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- But that is...- "Right, that's enough! That's enough, Templars!"
0:12:57 > 0:12:59LAUGHTER
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Did you know that the Temple Church in London, which was founded by the
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Knights Templar, and there are still some Knights Templar lying around...
0:13:06 > 0:13:10- Dead ones, yeah.- There's a unique title for, if you're the priest in charge there,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13you're the Reverend and Valiant Master of the Temple.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- Oh, that's very good. - Which sounds like something from a Star Wars movie.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- The Reverend and Valiant Master of the Temple.- Yeah.- In that picture, is he going,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22"Show me on the cross where he kissed you?"
0:13:22 > 0:13:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:31 > 0:13:33They're all going, "Yeah, yeah."
0:13:33 > 0:13:35He's saying, "But my arms are much too long."
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- Yes.- "I'm not going to fit on this."
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Yes. "You're going to nail me against the air."
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- It's true...- "You're going to have to just nail my ears to it."
0:13:44 > 0:13:46There you go.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Kissing, of course, has long been a controversial thing
0:13:50 > 0:13:53and in the 20th century, there were anti-kissing leagues.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56What do you think they objected to?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- There you are.- Transmission of disease?- Yes, you're right,
0:13:58 > 0:14:00it was a hygiene issue.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I read a thing also that when trains first began,
0:14:02 > 0:14:06women travelling on their own in compartments were supposed to put pins in their mouths
0:14:06 > 0:14:10lest, when they went through a tunnel, someone tried to kiss them.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- I read that as well! It's hilarious! - Nail gun their mouths shut?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Mouths full of pins.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18No, with the pin facing outwards, so if someone went, "Oh, I have to!"
0:14:18 > 0:14:22They were in for a rude surprise. Yes, I do that in tunnels,
0:14:22 > 0:14:27- just in case.- I consider myself warned.- I'd keep a pin in my anus.
0:14:30 > 0:14:35- Oh, dear!- In case any Knights Templar...- were around the place.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Oh, you bad person.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41OK, what makes you think this knight is a total bastard?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Oh, he looks like a mean... - His hat.- Oh...- Not his hat.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- Richard?- He's got a diagonal white stripe across his lions,
0:14:49 > 0:14:52which means he's been naughty.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54- No, he hasn't been naughty at all. - I beg his pardon.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Is he, oh, is he illegitimate? Has his father been naughty?
0:14:57 > 0:15:01His father's been naughty. It's what's known as the "bend sinister".
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Oh, we've all had bend sinister.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06It starts at the bottom left and goes up to the top right,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08which indicates you are a bastard.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11And in his case, there's more information just on that simple coat of arms.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13The three lions.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- No, he's not the bastard son of Wayne Rooney.- Wayne Rooney.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Yeah, yeah.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19LAUGHTER
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Something told me you were going to say that.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Is the red significant?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Yes, it's the Royal Family. It's a royal coat of arms.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- So he's a royal bastard.- Yeah. - So he's a Fitz-John or something?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30- A Fitz?- Fitz-Herb, Fitz... - Fitz-Herbert?
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- Fitz-John, Fitzroy. Of course. - Fitzroy. His name would be Fitzroy.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Fitz is the "son of" and roy, "roi", is king.
0:15:36 > 0:15:42And one particular king had five Fitzroys from his mistress.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Who would that be?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- Who was a really...- Oh, hang on, George, one of the Georges?
0:15:47 > 0:15:48No. Go back a bit. Rewind.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- Henry VIII.- Charles II. - Charles II.- Henry VII.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- No, Charles II. We got there. - Charles II.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- We got there without you. Charles II.- Shouting out some kings to move it along.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Very good. She was called Barbara Palmer and she bore him five...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- Babs.- Five, Babs Palmer.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03They don't think of the Babs, do they?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05She might have been a Babs, I expect, yeah.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- Queen Babs.- Yeah.- "You Fitz'd me up again."- You Fitz'd me up.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10And we have a Henry...
0:16:10 > 0:16:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:13 > 0:16:16But does it cancel out, if the one with the stripe then marries
0:16:16 > 0:16:19and has a legitimate son, don't they take the stripe away?
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Ah, that would be very good.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22No, I think you keep it, I think, in your coat of arms.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26There are certain things which indicate something very extraordinary about your shield.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- What do you think they are? - OK.- They have a particular meaning.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Yeah?
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Is it visible panty line?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Oh...
0:16:39 > 0:16:42It's terrible, really, they get terrible VPL.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44It's not visible panty line.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47It's the colours, actually, are indicative of...
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Status?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Of sin. Of a mistake, an error.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54They're known as abatements, also as "stains"
0:16:54 > 0:16:57as in a stain on the family name, or a stain on the...
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Oh. So what can a stain be?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- It's got to be very serious if it's going on your coat of arms.- I know.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Well, the first is called the point champaine tenne,
0:17:05 > 0:17:09and it's for killing a prisoner who has demanded quarter, or mercy,
0:17:09 > 0:17:10which is really ungentlemanly.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12But how would anybody know that you had done that?
0:17:12 > 0:17:16You'd have to have a witness. A very good point. It's true of any crime.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17They'd have to have something on their shield.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Witnessing someone killing someone who's asked for quarter -
0:17:20 > 0:17:22you've got to have something on their shield.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24That's true, and not intervening. You're right.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- But how would you know that they'd done that...- I don't know!
0:17:27 > 0:17:28..and not intervened.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32They'd definitely need something on their shield.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35They'd have massive whistles and say, "You grassed me up!"
0:17:35 > 0:17:38And the shield would just be full of stuff.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- A shield within a shield... - "You don't clean the toilet properly."
0:17:41 > 0:17:44"You've got a toilet brush, you don't do it, you get one of those." It's endless.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47It's a bit like points on a driving licence, isn't it?
0:17:47 > 0:17:51- It is. You're absolutely right. - It's the points on the shield for... - Yeah. Exactly.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54And the next one here, which we'll have a look at.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Needs dusting.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57LAUGHTER
0:17:57 > 0:17:58This is called the delf tenne,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01and that's for issuing a challenge and then bottling out.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Coward.- Yeah.- That's a big old yellow smudge on that.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Exactly. Very much a smudge on the coat of arms.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09And then, we have a gusset, a gusset sanguine sinister.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- A gusset sanguine?- Yeah.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12On a knight, really?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Yeah, I know, absurd, isn't it?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- Gusset sanguine.... - There's no reason for you to get it.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- Well, the sanguine is the colour. - So a bloody...- It's blood colour. It's for being drunk.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23And you have a gusset sanguine dexter.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Which is on the right, and that's...
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- Is being...- Being stoned? - Being an adulterer.- Oh, right.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29And there you are.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Now we have one that you have to guess, so tell me what this is.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33You're a drunken adulterer.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36There you are, you see, points for listening.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39So that's the whole world of heraldry.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42In a way, it's sort of a nicer design for the drunken adulterer.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- It is, isn't it? - I feel like it's too rewarding.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Is it two gussets or a wine glass?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Well, that's the choice facing the drunken adulterer.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Yes, exactly. Exactly.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53LAUGHTER
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- It's perfect.- Every Saturday.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59APPLAUSE
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Oh, they knew what they were doing.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Did you know that if you're a clergyman you can't have
0:19:03 > 0:19:05a helmet on your coat of arms?
0:19:05 > 0:19:06- Oh, thank God.- Phew!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08LAUGHTER
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Because you can't have been a chaplain or something?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14No, you can't do anything which is... Did you know that if you're a clergyman,
0:19:14 > 0:19:18if you go to a black tie do, you can't have a stripe down your trousers?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- No.- Because, no, because it's a military insignia. - Oh.- And you can't have that.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24And you can't have a helmet because it's a martial sign.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27So you have to have this sort of, it's a lovely sort of,
0:19:27 > 0:19:28do you remember Bill and Ben?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30It's a bit like that, it's called a galero.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34- Oh, how fabulous.- And it's black if you're a priest and red if you're a Cardinal.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37And if you're the Pope, you get a pointy one with three tiaras.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Oh!- Oh. Quite the fellow.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41I want to be Pope now.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42I think you'd look good in that.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45You've got to... Oh, you've got to have it.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- Who decides this?- There are people who apply to, they decide.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Isn't it the College of Arms? And you have to pay.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53How do you become one of the people that decide? How do you become a herald?
0:19:53 > 0:19:57If you go to Garter Day at Windsor Castle, they turn out for that.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58LAUGHTER
0:19:58 > 0:20:01I need to see photos of Garter Day at Windsor Castle.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04It's very exciting because it's a big do
0:20:04 > 0:20:06and if they install new Knights of the Garter,
0:20:06 > 0:20:08you are in there for hours, then you hear sort of tramping
0:20:08 > 0:20:12from miles away and all of a sudden, the beefeaters come in all done up.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- Then you get the College of Heralds...- It's like a gay tsunami!
0:20:17 > 0:20:19They carry things, have special big T-shirts.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Saying, "War. What is it good for?" - LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:27So that's our knights with their shields.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29You also find knights on a chess board, of course.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32So what I want to know is this very strange conundrum.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35What's the maximum number of knights you can have on a chess board,
0:20:35 > 0:20:36such that none of them can take another one?
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- Oh, multiples of eight, I suppose. - I'll give you, you can try it out.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42So that none can...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Maximum number.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46What you have to do is understand what a knight's move is.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Stephen, I don't understand the question.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52It's the maximum, it's the maximum number of knights you could
0:20:52 > 0:20:55have on a chess board, such that none can take the other.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Have you noticed something in common with the ones you're putting down?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- They're all the same.- The same, OK, the same colour, so...
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Yes, because a knight move must take a different colour.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05- Oh.- So 32.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- 32 is the right answer!- Oh.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10It's really very simple when you think about it, isn't it? Very good.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12APPLAUSE
0:21:12 > 0:21:16It's one of those things that sounds very complicated, that you have to work out for ages,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- but there you are.- I still don't understand it at all.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Well, none of those knights can take another knight.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- But isn't that rather more knights than we're used to?- Yes.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:25 > 0:21:27It's a problem, it's not a real chess situation.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- It's if you had...- Because they move, because of the way they move,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33diagonal and up one, they move to the alternate colour.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Yes.- So if you've got all the knights on the same colour, they cannot take...
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- Exactly right, I mean, that's how... - Oh, I get it.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42In the centre of the board, you're controlling eight different squares there.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45They're all a different colour, the knights are on a black square.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48So all you have to do is put them all on a black or a white square.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50When you move your knight, do you make a horsey noise?
0:21:50 > 0:21:51HE WHINNIES
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Do you? That's so sweet.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54HE SNORTS AND SPUTTERS
0:21:54 > 0:21:56And when you move your rook.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57SHE CAWS
0:21:57 > 0:21:58When I do the bishop...
0:21:58 > 0:21:59HE IMITATES PLAINSONG
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- When you do your queen, "Hello." - "Hello."- "Hello."
0:22:03 > 0:22:04That's your bishop.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- Oh, you're going to get in such trouble.- No!
0:22:11 > 0:22:13You're going to get in trouble from both sides.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I've been going, "Ooh, you are awful, but I like you."
0:22:15 > 0:22:18You're getting into trouble from both sides, Richard.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20If the Bishop of Peterborough is watching this evening,
0:22:20 > 0:22:24you'll have my resignation on your desk in the morning, by the way.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- He confirmed me, not the present one.- Which one?- Oh, God knows.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Was it the rudest bishop in the Church of England?- It could've been.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33He just gave me a piece of the Host and moved on to the next line.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- He gave you a piece of the Host?! - Yes.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38What the hell kind of party was it?!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41It's what you would call the bread and wine, as well you know,
0:22:41 > 0:22:43you secret religious, you.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46I think it might have been Bishop Westwood
0:22:46 > 0:22:50who, interestingly, is the father of Tim Westwood, the hip-hop DJ.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Good gracious! - Does he speak like him?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Does he have a particular way of speaking?
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Tim Westwood talks like a hip-hop star from the West Coast of...
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- Oh, does he? A false American accent?- It's very effective.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- Ali G is based on Tim Westwood. - Really?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06But his father was the Bishop of Peterborough who was famous for knitting.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08LAUGHTER
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- It's true!- For knitting?!
0:23:11 > 0:23:12The knitting Bishop!
0:23:12 > 0:23:15There were items on Look East about his knitting.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Isn't there a version of chess for kind of chess-heads
0:23:21 > 0:23:24called fairy chess, where the pieces do more things?
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- What a wonderful...- I'm not making this up, I'm sure this is true. - Fairy chess.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30That there's versions of chess where you can call these fairy pieces
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- and they can do extra things. - How many drugs did you take
0:23:33 > 0:23:35when you were hanging out with Jimmy Somerville?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37So you can just go, you're playing chess and suddenly you go,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39"No, we're playing fairy chess now."
0:23:39 > 0:23:42# La, la, la, la, la... #
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Checkmate.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Yeah, well, I don't have to touch the pieces.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47- Yeah.- Oh, I see.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- The whole point of chess is its limitations.- Yeah.- Yes. Precisely.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52It's all about the strictness in which you have to operate.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55But hang on, Mrs Poker Player Victoria Coren Mitchell,
0:23:55 > 0:23:57aren't there versions of poker where they kind of introduce
0:23:57 > 0:24:00wild cards and stuff to kind of get it...? It's the same sort of thing.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Yeah, poker's different. As Martin Amis once said,
0:24:02 > 0:24:04"In chess, the properties of a bishop are fixed.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08"In poker, it's all wobbled through the prism of personality."
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- Very good.- A beautiful quote. - Beautifully put.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Although, even chess players will say the best chess move to play
0:24:14 > 0:24:15is not the best chess move,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18it's the move your opponent would least like you to play.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20So in that sense, it is very like poker.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Anybody who played Kasparov, for example,
0:24:22 > 0:24:25will say that the moment he sat down at the table, you felt beaten.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27He was so virile, so big, like a...
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Five o'clock shadow at ten in the morning
0:24:29 > 0:24:31and he hunched over the board.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34But what nobody ever tried with Kasparov was just grabbing the queen
0:24:34 > 0:24:36and shouting, "I'm playing fairy chess!"
0:24:36 > 0:24:39That's exactly right! Exactly right!
0:24:39 > 0:24:43You can put your boards away now, children. There you go.
0:24:43 > 0:24:4732. Brilliantly deduced by Sue "Brilliant" Perkins.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Kasparov wouldn't have liked it if you'd gone...
0:24:49 > 0:24:50HE BLUSTERS ..every time.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53He'd have liked it even less if you did it when he moved his!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56LAUGHTER
0:24:56 > 0:24:57It's a brilliant strategy!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Every time he moved his knight, you'd go...
0:24:59 > 0:25:01HE WHINNIES
0:25:01 > 0:25:04"Put me back in the stable!"
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- With fairy chess, it could go... - HE NEIGHS
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- Victoria, what was that line, that Martin Amis line again? - It's beautiful.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17"In chess, the properties and powers of a bishop are fixed.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21"In poker, it is wobbled through the prism of personality."
0:25:21 > 0:25:23But do you know when he said that, Stephen?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26It was after a poker game that you and I and he all played.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- Yes, I remember, in Wales. - Many years ago.- With the then-unknown Ricky Gervais.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Ricky Gervais was knocked out, got up and said,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33"What am I supposed to do now?"
0:25:33 > 0:25:35And you said, "There's a shotgun in the drawer."
0:25:35 > 0:25:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Oh, God.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48That would be a very good, very good title for a book.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52So, now, name a place where a knight can be buried.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54The ground.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56KLAXON
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Amazingly not.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59APPLAUSE
0:26:01 > 0:26:03You must be astonished to know that isn't true.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Do they have to be buried above the ground?
0:26:05 > 0:26:06No, I'm saying that they can be buried,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08but where can they be buried?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11In a...tomb?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- A vault?- A hole.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15LAUGHTER
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- A pyramid.- A pyramid.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21The fact is, is the moment you are dead, you are no longer a knight.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- You're not a knight any more! - Oh, of course!- Right.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Cos everyone was shouting about how Jimmy Savile should
0:26:26 > 0:26:30have his knighthood taken away. But they'd have had to give it back to him, in order to take it away.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33You're no longer a member of the Order the moment you die.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36So the moment you die, you're not a knight. So you can't bury a knight anywhere.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Unless you're very mean and bury them alive, I suppose.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Do you know who has the record for turning down the most knighthoods?
0:26:43 > 0:26:47- No.- LS Lowry. He turned down more honours than anybody else.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52- Good Lord!- Mr Pin Man? Mr Stick Drawing?- Matchstick men, yeah.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Alan Bennett certainly turned one down. Who else do we know?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56The art, isn't it, is turning one down
0:26:56 > 0:26:58so everybody knows you've turned it down.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01So everyone knows without you telling them, which I refuse to do.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- I turned one down.- We all thought that was a poorly-kept secret.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08- You haven't quite grasped this, Alan.- Sir ANAL Davies.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10LAUGHTER
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I'm sorry to go on about it, but if you're a clergyman,
0:27:13 > 0:27:15and you're knighted, you can't call yourself Sir.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19- Whoa!- Unless you are knighted before you're ordained,
0:27:19 > 0:27:22and then you can be the Reverend Sir or Lady.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- What a swiz!- It's a chivalric order, you can't be...
0:27:25 > 0:27:27It's military, isn't it, if you're a knight?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Exactly, so you can't be that if you're a vicar. You can't bear arms.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33You can bare legs though, can't you? Yes. Ha-ha!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35LAUGHTER
0:27:35 > 0:27:40So, there are no dead knights, only dead former knights.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Which knight's luggage included cannabis, bladders,
0:27:43 > 0:27:46shark intestines, strychnine, chilli pepper, cocaine,
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- heroin and Kendal Mint Cake? - PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Yes, Sue Perkins.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52I say to get him through Eurovision, Terry Wogan.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54KLAXON
0:27:54 > 0:27:58- APPLAUSE - We got there! We got there!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Oh, you've got them all!
0:28:02 > 0:28:06We've thought of all the heroic endurance struggles, yes.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:28:07 > 0:28:10- Was it Sir Edmund Hillary? - It wasn't Sir Edmund Hillary,
0:28:10 > 0:28:16although Sir Edmund Hillary did take Kendal Mint Cake right up the Everest.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Really?! I didn't know that was a serving suggestion!
0:28:19 > 0:28:22I'm going to go home and try it now, though.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25It was one of the many things that made Kendal Mint Cake
0:28:25 > 0:28:27famous in its day, when it was famous perhaps.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31- Was it Ranulph Fiennes?- You're in exactly the right area.- Shackleton?
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Sir Ernest Shackleton is the answer. The Antarctic explorer.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39- That's him in the darker polo neck. - It's a really fun job, isn't it?
0:28:39 > 0:28:41The endurance was astonishing.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45- They all look like Captain Birdseye. - They don't look happy.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49The one on the right actually can't open his eyes any more.
0:28:49 > 0:28:53- Is it true the he used to take strychnine as a tonic? - Yes, that's right.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56I've been to Shackleton's hut. I don't really remember what was there.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58This was his first aid kit.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01It had isinglass, which is from the swim bladders of sturgeons,
0:29:01 > 0:29:03for use as a wound dressing.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Tonics of iron and strychnine - completely correct, Richard.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09And iron and arsenic, which the wrong doses of either could
0:29:09 > 0:29:12cause a horrible lingering death, so you had to get that right.
0:29:12 > 0:29:16A colic treatment based on cannabis and chilli pepper.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Ginger carminative, an anti-flatulence preparation.
0:29:19 > 0:29:20LAUGHTER
0:29:23 > 0:29:29Cocaine solution, which was in fact used as eye drops for - what problem?
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Tired eyes. It would certainly perk them up.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34It's actually snow blindness.
0:29:34 > 0:29:38Used chalk and opium against diarrhoeas, like kaolin and morphine.
0:29:38 > 0:29:42- And Kendal Mint Cake. Have you ever had Kendal Mint Cake?- It's lovely!
0:29:42 > 0:29:45I find it quite plain. I would have taken a Crunchie.
0:29:47 > 0:29:48It's nice to see that picture
0:29:48 > 0:29:52because it explains what that man gave me at Schiphol Airport.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55Kendal Mint Cake!
0:29:55 > 0:29:56If you go to Shackleton's hut,
0:29:56 > 0:29:59you are followed all the way there by a New Zealand official,
0:29:59 > 0:30:02and if you eat anything at all, like a packet of crisps, he walks,
0:30:02 > 0:30:04looking around you, making sure you haven't dropped any crumbs.
0:30:04 > 0:30:09I should hope so! And is it worth a visit? Where is Shackleton's hut?
0:30:09 > 0:30:13- It's on Antarctica.- You've been there?- Yes.- When did you go there?
0:30:13 > 0:30:14How exciting!
0:30:14 > 0:30:17Ten or 15 years ago, but it was a very exciting
0:30:17 > 0:30:19opportunity to see somewhere I would never normally go.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23- Was this from New Zealand? - Yes, from New Zealand.
0:30:23 > 0:30:24You go up from Christchurch.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27I went to an exhibition about Scott in Christchurch
0:30:27 > 0:30:32and they talk about what Amundsen took - a completely different plan.
0:30:32 > 0:30:36Whereas Scott's plan was to go with ponies and horses and things,
0:30:36 > 0:30:38Amundsen was from Norway and they just went with dogs,
0:30:38 > 0:30:4355 dogs I think they had. They were really much better at it.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45- SUE:- Dogs can go very... Have you ever been...
0:30:45 > 0:30:48I have been in Wyoming. It was one of the most thrilling things I've ever done.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51A friend of mine did that and she said that the thing is, the dogs
0:30:51 > 0:30:56cannot stop when nature calls and that you get pelted with poo.
0:30:56 > 0:30:59Pelted with droppings.
0:30:59 > 0:31:03- Pebble-dashed by huskies. - It is basically husky cack,
0:31:03 > 0:31:05liquid husky cack flying.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09What Amundsen dogs didn't know was that they would be
0:31:09 > 0:31:13- eaten by the men and by the other dogs.- Is that what happened?
0:31:13 > 0:31:18- Yes, it was very carefully worked out, very precisely. - You can't carry all that dog food,
0:31:18 > 0:31:21you can't feed all those dogs all the way there and all the way back.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24This is the programme that Paul O'Grady must never make.
0:31:26 > 0:31:27The death of dogs!
0:31:30 > 0:31:33I think it was a bit unkind of Amundsen to put "nul points" under the flag.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37Now to some knaves.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40What's the best way to stop your car from being stolen?
0:31:40 > 0:31:44Never park it, just drive it around and around.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Keep driving round and around and around. Yeah.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49What you've cunningly done is avoid the obvious trap of saying
0:31:49 > 0:31:52you have a car alarm, because it seems that car alarms are worse than useless.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55In fact, we know that instinctively, don't we?
0:31:55 > 0:31:58- Yeah, because you ignore them. - You ignore them. Exactly.- Yeah.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00In fact, not only that, 1% of people, when asked,
0:32:00 > 0:32:03said that they would actually call the police if they heard a car alarm,
0:32:03 > 0:32:05and 60% said they would call up to complain about it.
0:32:05 > 0:32:09So you would actually make a phone call, but not to say that someone's
0:32:09 > 0:32:11car was being stolen, but just to say what a bloody nuisance it was.
0:32:11 > 0:32:15- So if that's the worst thing to do, what's the best thing to do? - Put in an old-fashioned lock.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18- Or have a rubbish car. - Or have a terrible car. - I've got a terrible car.
0:32:18 > 0:32:23- Have you?- With loads of graffiti on it. Someone drew a penis on the front bonnet.
0:32:23 > 0:32:27A friend of mine who's married to a vicar, she came out one morning
0:32:27 > 0:32:30and found someone had written "Monk Whore" on the back of her car.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33LAUGHTER
0:32:33 > 0:32:36Extraordinary! Monk whore.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39- Monk whore.- And now on BBC One, Monk Whore.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41LAUGHTER
0:32:41 > 0:32:43- Robson Green...- Is Monk Whore.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46But did you know that actually car thieving
0:32:46 > 0:32:48is almost never a female occupation?
0:32:48 > 0:32:51- That's like a challenge. - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:32:51 > 0:32:52Tonight, the pair of us.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55There's, I'm sure you know who that is, but...
0:32:55 > 0:32:56That's Bonnie.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58Bonnie as in Bonnie and Clyde, yes.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01But apparently, the confraternity of car thieves don't think women
0:33:01 > 0:33:04should be allowed, so if a woman steals a car,
0:33:04 > 0:33:07they can't sell it on, cos they go, "Oh, I'm not having that.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09"I'm not having it off you, you don't know what it's about."
0:33:09 > 0:33:13So what you're saying is there's very little to divide between car thieves and car salesmen.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16- Yes.- Of a similar view. - It's a sexist bastion.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18I saw this brilliant documentary about crime
0:33:18 > 0:33:21and they interviewed these two young car criminals who were in jail,
0:33:21 > 0:33:24and they talked about what pride they took in their work,
0:33:24 > 0:33:26and one of them turned to the camera and said,
0:33:26 > 0:33:30"Some car criminals, unfortunately, give the rest of us a bad name."
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Fantastic. A bit of pride in his work.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35Now, explain the effect of Stockholm Syndrome.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38- Oh.- Wasn't that when you identify...
0:33:38 > 0:33:40LAUGHTER
0:33:40 > 0:33:44Oh. But you identify, if you're a victim of kidnap,
0:33:44 > 0:33:46you identify with your kidnappers
0:33:46 > 0:33:49- and you sort of become weird friends.- Yeah.- Is that right?
0:33:49 > 0:33:50I mean, that is what they say.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53From the Patty Hearst kidnap, is where it started?
0:33:53 > 0:33:55Well, no, because she was nothing to do with Stockholm.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58There was a '73 kidnapping in Stockholm, where,
0:33:58 > 0:34:02after which it was named, that's the Stockholm four.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05And they defended the robbers after the event and so on, so...
0:34:05 > 0:34:08- Cos they'd become so inured to the system of...- That's right.- Yeah.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10And the most famous one, as you rightly say,
0:34:10 > 0:34:12was the heiress of William Randolph Hearst, Patty Hearst,
0:34:12 > 0:34:14who was kidnapped by a strange group
0:34:14 > 0:34:17called the Symbionese Liberation Army.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20Unusually for a clergyman of the Church of England,
0:34:20 > 0:34:22I've had dinner with Patty Hearst.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24- You haven't!- I have. - How was she? Is she back to normal?
0:34:24 > 0:34:28Charming, completely charming. I didn't know who she was until someone said who she was.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31By the time they had coffee, she wanted to be a vicar.
0:34:31 > 0:34:32LAUGHTER
0:34:32 > 0:34:36She had sort of become a kind of Bohemian socialite in Los Angeles,
0:34:36 > 0:34:37in the 1980s, when I used to go there
0:34:37 > 0:34:40in a previous incarnation, and I met her...
0:34:40 > 0:34:42And when you were a rock star, a rock god.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44- Oh, you!- Yeah.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47And I met her there. It was those sort of dinners that you would go to
0:34:47 > 0:34:49where everyone would be weirdly famous
0:34:49 > 0:34:51and have no other reason to be there at all,
0:34:51 > 0:34:53so you'd have Patty Hearst and, I don't know...
0:34:53 > 0:34:57- Nancy Reagan.- ..Andy Warhol and Eddie the Eagle, you know.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00Oh, that's a dinner you'd want to go to.
0:35:00 > 0:35:01Definitely. Definitely.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04But the fact is, it seems to be an aberration, it's very rare.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06Most people when they're kidnapped, have nothing
0:35:06 > 0:35:08but feelings of complete hostility
0:35:08 > 0:35:10towards their captors. As you would expect.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13I would feel, as a clergyman, sort of bound to sort of...
0:35:13 > 0:35:15Are you a clergyman?
0:35:15 > 0:35:18- I would sort of feel obliged to kind of be nice to them.- Oh, you would.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20And establish some rapport of some kind.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23- "I do understand your point of view."- Exactly, yes. "I think your case is good in parts."
0:35:23 > 0:35:26- It would be like that. - Yes, exactly.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28So there was a famous figure in history,
0:35:28 > 0:35:31one of the most famous in history, who did certainly not have
0:35:31 > 0:35:34Stockholm Syndrome, who was kidnapped by pirates.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37- And...- Pirates in history, kidnapped...- Johnny Depp.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40No. This is a great figure in history.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42- Kidnapped by pirates? - Who was kidnapped by pirates,
0:35:42 > 0:35:44was held hostage and the ransom was paid.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46- Give us some clues. - What sort of era?
0:35:46 > 0:35:50He then pursued them with a small fleet, or a number of boats, a flotilla.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53- Francis Drake.- Drake?- No, and... - Cook?- Raleigh, Cook?- Nelson.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55Had them all crucified.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58- Oh.- A Roman.- Oh, it was Julius Caesar.- Julius Caesar is the right answer.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02- Julius Caesar.- Yeah. And the thing is, he had told them while he was held hostage,
0:36:02 > 0:36:04"When I get out of here, I will come back and I will crucify you."
0:36:04 > 0:36:07And they apparently thought it was a joke.
0:36:07 > 0:36:08Joke's on you.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10- Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. - Who's laughing now?
0:36:10 > 0:36:13Yeah. They didn't know their Caesar. Exactly.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17- So, one tough cookie.- How do you crucify someone if they've got hooks for hands?
0:36:17 > 0:36:19It's very, very difficult.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:22 > 0:36:24Do they hang them up?
0:36:26 > 0:36:28- They have magnets, massive magnets. - Magnets. Magnets.
0:36:28 > 0:36:32They have got one wooden leg, though, haven't they, so that's not so difficult.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35VICTORIA: Why? Why was Julius Caesar kidnapped by pirates?
0:36:35 > 0:36:38- Under what circumstances?- It was a ransom, simply, it was a business...
0:36:38 > 0:36:40But they didn't kill him, it sounds like he was harsh.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43He went after them and had them crucified.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45He was not a man to be trifled with. Julie.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48- Well, especially if you call him Julie, I imagine.- Yeah, no, he didn't like that.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51The worst thing you can do to Julius Caesar, call him Julie.
0:36:51 > 0:36:55Is call him Jules. There is a suggestion that Stockholm syndrome could be
0:36:55 > 0:36:58a sort of psychological thing, in the same way that women
0:36:58 > 0:37:01throughout history have had to put up with being taken and seized
0:37:01 > 0:37:04and that the human being is conditioned to make the best of a bad job.
0:37:04 > 0:37:08- Well, we've all been there.- But that's just a relationship, Stephen.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12- Yes, that's right.- But it is sort of logical, if you thought you were being kidnapped long-term,
0:37:12 > 0:37:16- it makes sense to try and see it from the other person's point of view. - Yes, it does.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19- Just to maintain sanity, apart from anything.- In fact, to get the syndrome to work on them,
0:37:19 > 0:37:23rather than you. For them to be so fond of you, they would no longer want to kill you,
0:37:23 > 0:37:24which would be handy.
0:37:24 > 0:37:28Now, what's a good reason for faking your own kidnapping?
0:37:28 > 0:37:30Oh, I mean...
0:37:30 > 0:37:32If you're bored on holiday?
0:37:32 > 0:37:35- That would do it.- You're trying to get out of a relationship,
0:37:35 > 0:37:37that's why I always do it.
0:37:37 > 0:37:41There was an American man who pretended to be kidnapped
0:37:41 > 0:37:43just so that he had an excuse as to why he hadn't
0:37:43 > 0:37:45called his girlfriend for two weeks.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47LAUGHTER
0:37:47 > 0:37:49He was terrified of her reaction.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52And the police realised it because he had duct tape
0:37:52 > 0:37:56round his wrists, but the reel, the spool of it was still connected.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59You can't tear it with your teeth, it's so fibrous.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02I could imagine the girlfriend saying, "You could still have texted."
0:38:02 > 0:38:05Yes, exactly. Exactly, he could have done.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08There was Jennifer Wilbanks of Duluth,
0:38:08 > 0:38:10who faked a kidnapping to get out of attending her own wedding.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Yeah, I've been there.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15But weirdest of all, there was a 2008 case of another Spaniard,
0:38:15 > 0:38:19Josefa Sanchez Vargas, who convinced
0:38:19 > 0:38:22her husband to pay more than half a million pounds to secure the release
0:38:22 > 0:38:25of their children. It was a faked kidnapping, which you'd say,
0:38:25 > 0:38:29"Well, that's... We expect that," except she did that six times over five years.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31He didn't twig.
0:38:31 > 0:38:35- That's quite a nest egg, isn't it? - Every time she needed a new hat.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37Some people get kidnapped just for the thrill of it.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40- Can you imagine why that would be? - So they pay for kidnappers to kidnap them
0:38:40 > 0:38:43so they can experience the visceral thrill of, you know,
0:38:43 > 0:38:45being in a car boot with a load of duct tape round your ankles.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47- Absolutely that. - People are weird.- I know!
0:38:47 > 0:38:49The BBC does it to you too.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51If you are going into a hostile zone,
0:38:51 > 0:38:52you have hostile zone training where
0:38:52 > 0:38:55as you're driving your Land Rover, chaps come out with ski masks and
0:38:55 > 0:38:59put bags over your head and bundle you into the back of a...
0:38:59 > 0:39:00Oh, this is for BBC reporters.
0:39:00 > 0:39:04I was just thinking, "Why presenting Blue Peter..."
0:39:04 > 0:39:07Hostile zone as in people who are not very nice to you.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10It sounds like a Top Gear sex park,
0:39:10 > 0:39:13where Clarkson gets his kicks of a weekend.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15One of those funny phrases, isn't it?
0:39:15 > 0:39:18When you are put in the back of a van you are always bundled.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20Bundled! It's the only word...
0:39:20 > 0:39:23- It's true. - Don't get bundled onto a bus.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25Anyway, yes, there's a French company that,
0:39:25 > 0:39:28for 900 euros, gives you your basic kidnapping,
0:39:28 > 0:39:32which is being shoved into a car boot and held down and blindfolded.
0:39:32 > 0:39:35And then, for a little extra money, you can have helicopter chases
0:39:35 > 0:39:36and really quite sort of sexy stuff.
0:39:36 > 0:39:41- And then, they'll cut your ear off and send it to your mum.- Yes.
0:39:41 > 0:39:43So, now it's time for me to hold you all hostage.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46There's no escape from General Ignorance.
0:39:46 > 0:39:47Fingers on the buzzers please.
0:39:47 > 0:39:51How long should you wait before reporting a missing person to the police?
0:39:51 > 0:39:52PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:39:52 > 0:39:55- Yes, Sue?- Well, certainly until they're missing.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57LAUGHTER
0:39:57 > 0:39:59- Very good.- Until they're out of sight.- Yeah.- Yes, that's...
0:39:59 > 0:40:03- Just when they've left the road. - Yes, when they've turned the corner. - Yes.- When is it too soon?
0:40:03 > 0:40:06"Just going to make a cup of tea." "Right, I'm ringing."
0:40:06 > 0:40:0824 hours?
0:40:08 > 0:40:10KLAXON
0:40:10 > 0:40:11Ah, no.
0:40:12 > 0:40:16- You shouldn't wait at all, if you're convinced someone's missing. - Absolutely right.
0:40:16 > 0:40:20If you take your child into a supermarket, it would be 20 minutes, wouldn't it?
0:40:20 > 0:40:23- You know that they're gone. - 20 seconds.- 20 seconds. You just check they're not there.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25I'm going to wait 24 hours.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28Go home to my wife, "Well, I don't know where she is."
0:40:28 > 0:40:30LAUGHTER
0:40:30 > 0:40:33- "But I'm going to wait till tomorrow."- Yes.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36"We might as well go out, because we don't have to get a baby-sitter."
0:40:36 > 0:40:39LAUGHTER
0:40:39 > 0:40:42"Let's go and have a curry and some wine and phone her in the morning."
0:40:42 > 0:40:45You're absolutely right. Then, of course, if it's an adult, it doesn't matter,
0:40:45 > 0:40:48cos the police are very likely just to say, "That's not our business."
0:40:48 > 0:40:50Unless they have a particular problem.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53But the fact is, yeah, there is no set time.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55The police use their own skill and judgment, as it were.
0:40:55 > 0:40:57- If it's a child, there's obviously...- Oh, well.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59ALAN LAUGHS
0:40:59 > 0:41:01- I don't know why that's... - That's a message.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04That's three words you don't hear in the same sentence, isn't it?
0:41:04 > 0:41:07Yeah, you just hope you're not burgled soon, Alan.
0:41:07 > 0:41:11Oh, I was burgled so many times in the '90s that one time
0:41:11 > 0:41:13they came round, it was like the fifth time I'd been burgled,
0:41:13 > 0:41:16they came round and my cat came in, and this constable goes,
0:41:16 > 0:41:18"If only he could talk."
0:41:18 > 0:41:20LAUGHTER
0:41:20 > 0:41:23That's fantastic. Oh, that's brilliant.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26Is that how we're going to... Is that it then?
0:41:26 > 0:41:29Is that the extent of the investigation?
0:41:29 > 0:41:31Willing the animal to give evidence.
0:41:31 > 0:41:35Now, what did Parliament pay for to put in Sir Peter Viggers' garden?
0:41:35 > 0:41:36PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:41:36 > 0:41:37Yes?
0:41:37 > 0:41:39The notorious duck house.
0:41:39 > 0:41:40KLAXON
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Ah. You're in the duck house there.
0:41:42 > 0:41:45The fact is, the duck house was one of the ones that they turned down.
0:41:45 > 0:41:50- Oh.- Yeah, he put in claims for £32,000 for gardening.
0:41:50 > 0:41:54£500 for 28 tonnes of manure.
0:41:54 > 0:41:58£1,645 for the duck island, but that was turned down
0:41:58 > 0:42:02by the eagle-eyed guardians of the national purse.
0:42:02 > 0:42:05It's probably worth mentioning that at the same time as that
0:42:05 > 0:42:07£8 billion was spent bailing out the banks,
0:42:07 > 0:42:10it was just that was too big a sum for anyone to get their heads around,
0:42:10 > 0:42:12so they went, "What? £10 for a sandwich?!"
0:42:12 > 0:42:15- I know.- "This is appalling."- It is, it's fascinating, isn't it?
0:42:15 > 0:42:17Sir Peter Viggers later commented that the duck house was,
0:42:17 > 0:42:19"Never liked by the ducks..."
0:42:19 > 0:42:20LAUGHTER
0:42:20 > 0:42:22"..and is now in storage."
0:42:22 > 0:42:24Ah, look, there they are. They don't need an island.
0:42:24 > 0:42:26- (I love ducks, don't you?)- Hmm.
0:42:26 > 0:42:28You never see that sort of thing on a coat of arms, do you?
0:42:28 > 0:42:31All the sort of lions and dragons, you never see something nice like a duck.
0:42:31 > 0:42:36- A duck.- Or a, you know, Eggs Benedict, or some sort of friendly,
0:42:36 > 0:42:40- like a friendly thing.- Yes, like a hamster or guinea pig or something.- Yeah.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42- That's true. A furry bearing. - Yes.
0:42:42 > 0:42:46Anyway, the famous duck house didn't cost the taxpayer a penny.
0:42:46 > 0:42:49And with that last tilt at our old friend General Ignorance,
0:42:49 > 0:42:51we reach the end of tonight's performance,
0:42:51 > 0:42:54and I can tell you that it is incredibly exciting.
0:42:54 > 0:42:58We have leaders, two leaders, with plus three, Richard and Victoria.
0:42:58 > 0:43:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:01 > 0:43:02Wowzer!
0:43:05 > 0:43:10In third place, with minus seven, Alan Davies.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12Highly commendable, highly commendable.
0:43:12 > 0:43:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:16 > 0:43:19And with a fantastic minus 24 is Sue Perkins.
0:43:19 > 0:43:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:21 > 0:43:22Well...
0:43:26 > 0:43:29And it only remains for me to thank my panellists,
0:43:29 > 0:43:31Victoria, Sue, Richard and Alan.
0:43:31 > 0:43:33Thank you and good night!
0:43:58 > 0:44:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd