0:00:24 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Goo-oo-od evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39where tonight we're looking at everything in the kitchen
0:00:39 > 0:00:41but the sink.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Joining me at the breakfast bar, cooking with gas, Jason Manford.
0:00:44 > 0:00:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Sharp as a knife, Victoria Wood.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Pointless as a spoon, Richard Osman.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Hiya.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And I got this fork off Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:17Let's hear your pingers. Jason goes...
0:01:17 > 0:01:19BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
0:01:19 > 0:01:21And Victoria goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:24TICK-TICK-TICK DING!
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Richard goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:27DRING!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29And Alan goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:34EXPLOSION AND ALARM
0:01:34 > 0:01:37We're having a kitchen supper tonight.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Which of the following do you fancy?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Take me through these... lovely dishes.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46They're all real.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Is the buttocktongue Marks & Spencer's buttocktongue?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51It's YOUR buttocktongue.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- Oh, right.- Yes, exactly. Work on tongue.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Well, I'll have to be careful when I say that...
0:01:56 > 0:01:59if you just take the last three letters off "tongue", you get?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Oh, so like, like a biltong?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Biltong is right.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06It's a hindquarters tongue, which sounds weird, but that's what it is.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- Biltong, have you ever had biltong? - No, I'm a vegetarian.- Ah.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Meet Alan.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13He's a vegetarian, too.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Hold on, is biltong not vegetarian?- No!
0:02:16 > 0:02:21It's usually sold as ostrich biltong or dik-dik biltong
0:02:21 > 0:02:26or some other animal, but they found in 2013, a very recent study,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29that two-thirds was incorrectly labelled.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32So horse biltong turned out to be biltong, can you believe?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Disgusting! A revolting idea!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I think, if you're eating that,
0:02:37 > 0:02:41I don't think you have to worry about what animal it's come from.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42So what is it? The bottom?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45It's dried... Well, it's the dried hindquarters.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47It's called "tongue", I think, because it's the shape of a tongue
0:02:47 > 0:02:50in the way that it's dried, rather than it comes from a tongue.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52"Biltong" - buttock.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53So, does it have the actual...?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56The hindquarters, which are buttocks on an animal.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57But does it have the arsehole in it?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Not the... - LAUGHTER
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- I think not. - That's in hot dogs, I think.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03- Has it got a tube? - Yeah, that's in...
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- They save that for hot dogs and pork pies.- Yeah.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08So you can have beef, horse, impala,
0:03:08 > 0:03:12wildebeest, eland, giraffe and kangaroo biltong.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Apparently. Very nice.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16So, that's a good one. You've started.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- Any other thoughts? - Kleftiko, that's...
0:03:18 > 0:03:20That's on a menu in a Greek restaurant, isn't it?
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Yes, kleftiko, exactly, does exist.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23And it was originally called "kleptiko",
0:03:23 > 0:03:25which might give you a hint.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Klept.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- Kleptomaniac?- It's all stolen. - Kleptomania, kleptos is a thief.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33And it was anti-Ottoman empire bandits who lived in the hills,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35and they made up this dish,
0:03:35 > 0:03:37so it was named after them, it's a thieves' dish.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41It's quite elaborate for a bandit person to be doing.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44They were... You should see their souffles. They were extraordinary.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Actually, souffles brings us on to nun's farts.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Well, it's... When you pop one...
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Why specifically a nun's, though? I mean...
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Cos nun's farts smell like souffle. Keep up!
0:04:01 > 0:04:02He's just given you that,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- when he gives you one, for goodness' sake, grab it.- Yes, take notice.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09A lot of French dishes have - or, indeed, European dishes -
0:04:09 > 0:04:12have their... Pumpernickel is a devil's fart, "pumpen", pump, fart,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15"nickel", Old Nick. And that's a bread, so they have rude names.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18And there's a... Isn't there a cheese which is, er,
0:04:18 > 0:04:20angel's tits or something like that?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- You can tell which ones are farting from their pained expressions.- Yeah.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26That's like the cast of Dad's Army on a...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- fancy-dress party.- I think out of them all there, I'd go, I'd say...
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- Which one?- She's definitely... She's definitely farted,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33and the rest don't know yet.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Look at the smile.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Look at the smile on her face.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41That's a massive board and they all just put their faces through.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- Like on a pier.- Yeah.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Nun's farts are little balls of pastry deep-fried, and they puff up.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50They're also called whore's farts or Spanish farts,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52in French, "pets-de-nonne".
0:04:52 > 0:04:54"Pets" is "fart" in French.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58These days, they've disappointingly been renamed as nun's puffs.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Or possibly poofs, I don't know how you would say it, it's hard to tell.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Bishops, often, they're called that. - Bishops, yes, exactly.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Well, pocket soup. How could you put soup in your pocket?
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- It's crazy, right?- It is! It's insane. There must be a way.- Yeah.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16This actually is soup that has been...
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- Solidified?- Yes. Reduced.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20- ALAN:- Reduced.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- Into a sort of... Basically an early version of a stock cube.- Oh, right.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26And then you reconstituted them by adding boiling water,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28as you do with your classic stock cube.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- Why would you put it in your pocket?- To travel to work.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Keep your hands free.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34But you know when you leave, like, a fiver in your pocket
0:05:34 > 0:05:36when you put it in the wash - that would be awful
0:05:36 > 0:05:38if you left some pocket soup in your jeans.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Oh!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- Can you imagine? - The whole wash would come back
0:05:43 > 0:05:44as consomme of something.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Most unfortunate.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Treacle. Treacle. The anti-venereal treacle?
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Wouldn't want to lick it off.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54You're right.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57It sold much better than pro-venereal treacle, didn't it?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- That didn't...- Yes! - That didn't sell.- It really didn't.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Yeah, they really... - The two great treacles.- Yeah.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05The word treacle has had an interesting history.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07It now means, of course...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Yeah, it used to mean any sort of medicine, didn't it?
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Or any sort of...
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Even without a computer in front of you, you're good.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15That is very... Or have you got one hidden under there?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18No, I'm very impressed, you're absolutely right.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20A treacle was generally any kind of specific
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- against diseases and things. - Or a term of endearment, weirdly.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"Treacle," yes, in EastEnders and that sort of thing, isn't it?
0:06:25 > 0:06:29- "All right, Treacle?" - "All right, anti-venereal treacle?"
0:06:29 > 0:06:31That's what they call some of those characters.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- Auntie Venereal Treacle.- Yes.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38"It's your Auntie Venereal, Treacle."
0:06:40 > 0:06:43"You come in for your tea, Chlamydia."
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Where was it...? There was...
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- In America, Verruca's quite a popular name.- Really?!
0:06:49 > 0:06:50People copy it from...
0:06:50 > 0:06:52BOTH: ..Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55They don't know... They don't call verrucas "verrucas" in America.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- So they don't know it's actually...? - They don't know it's an awful thing.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02- Verruca Salt.- Yeah. - Brilliant. I'm so pleased.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- So if they don't call chlamydia "chlamydia"...- Yes...
0:07:07 > 0:07:10..all you need to do is put it in a popular children's book as a name.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Brilliant.- Before you know it...
0:07:12 > 0:07:14It would be one of the most popular names.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- ..Barack Obama will have a daughter called Chlamydia.- Called Chlamydia!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Chlamydia Obama.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Which brings us to Dog and Maggot.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- Does it? - Well, it doesn't necessarily.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27It sounds like rhyming slang for...
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- someone of my persuasion.- Taggart.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Oh...
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- I was going to go with the ITV show Taggart.- Oh, right.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38"There's been a murder, Dog and Maggot."
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- A Scotsman in the mist. See what I did there?- Yeah.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44If I was to say "hard tack" to you, does that mean anything?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Ship's biscuits?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Very good. Ship's biscuits were known as hard tack.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52And there's a famous scene in the Battleship Potemkin,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54do you remember? If you've ever seen it.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- No, I'm a vegetarian. - The great Eisenstein movie...
0:07:56 > 0:07:57LAUGHTER
0:07:59 > 0:08:02That's going to be an answer to a lot of questions, isn't it?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"No, I'm a vegetarian."
0:08:04 > 0:08:07The Potemkin was a ship in which there was a mutiny,
0:08:07 > 0:08:10and there's a scene of them cracking open a ship's biscuit
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- and the maggots... It's really horrible.- Eurgh.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14And this is a British biscuit
0:08:14 > 0:08:17called "Dog" because it was the consistency of a dog biscuit
0:08:17 > 0:08:19and "Maggot" cos it had maggots in it, but it was...
0:08:19 > 0:08:22In the First World War, it was part of the rations.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24God. I think I'd rather eat the cutlery.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- I think you're right. - If that choice came up.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"I'll just have a chew on this knife, don't worry about it."
0:08:29 > 0:08:31You know what I think I'd like with a fork?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Rather than having all the prongs in a line,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36why can't they be in a kind of a square shape,
0:08:36 > 0:08:37so you've got a kind of...
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- Do you know, hold that thought. - That's a good idea.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Because we might be coming on to that later in the exam.- Really?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- Wow.- Yes.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46It might come up.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51"Sir said it wouldn't come up this term, but it might have come up."
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- I'll revise that.- Yeah. OK.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55So that's your Dog and Maggot.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57We're left with Kunga cake.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Sounds African.- Very unlikely...
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- It IS African, but you are very unlikely to get this.- Is it a cake?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- Well...- Is it going to be dung? - It's not dung, no.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- It sounded like dung.- It's animals, but tiny, weeny animals.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Termites.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- Even smaller, actually.- Ants.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- Midges.- Oh, midges?- Midges.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17They come out from the river in their mating swarms
0:09:17 > 0:09:20in such numbers that they gather them and press them into a cake.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- How do they gather them? - Well, I guess they...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Sort of with a net or something like that.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Good. It's about time they got their just desserts, those little sods.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31They're always talking, these days,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33about using all kinds of insect and things
0:09:33 > 0:09:36for the future of the human race, for protein, insects...
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- No?- No.- Do you remember, I had an ant on this show once?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41I do remember you having an ant.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I got a bit of its sort of carapace and...
0:09:43 > 0:09:44- HE CHOKES - It was just...
0:09:44 > 0:09:47For the whole show, I had it caught in the back of my throat.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- It was disgusting. - I was like that with Dec.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52LAUGHTER
0:09:52 > 0:09:57Naughty. That's very naughty indeed.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Anyway, there you are. Here's some unusual cutlery.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04I'd like you to tell me what kind of thing you could eat with them.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06You've all got some,
0:10:06 > 0:10:09but I'll start off with the one that you mentioned there.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- You said with tines, that were... - You just invented that, a minute ago.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14There you are. Isn't it incredible?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- You mentioned something like it. - That's weird.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Isn't it? It's usage is very, very specific.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21You don't actually handle it yourself,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24cos you're so high-born that somebody else feeds you using that.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25With what on it, though?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- Some sort of fruit?- No.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Is it a testicle?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31It might include a testicle.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33- Ooh.- Is it a scrotum?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36It might include a scrotum.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39What else really includes a testicle, Stephen?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41The whole schmear.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43A-A whole mammal.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Yes, a whole mammal. Let's just imagine I'm talking to one.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- Oh, God.- A comedian?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59No, a cannibal. That's the point - a human being.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- Oh, human.- Oh...
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Yours is a reproduction, sold as a souvenir item on the island of?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09- Or islands of?- Wight.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Man.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:18More accurate if you'd said the Isle of Man, I would have thought.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- Oh, yeah.- Think of the... A cannibal island,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- it was part of the British Empire. - Oh, Guernsey.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- Fiji.- Fiji.- Fiji. - Oh, I might have known.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Yeah, you might have done. Fiji is the answer.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33These are Fijian human forks.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- Two cannibals are eating someone...- Yes?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38..and one says, "You start at the toes, I'll start at the head."
0:11:38 > 0:11:39He says, "All right."
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Halfway through he says, "You all right?"
0:11:41 > 0:11:45He says, "Yeah, I'm having a ball." He says, "You're going too fast!"
0:11:47 > 0:11:48- There you go.- Excellent work.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- There you go.- Excellent work. - A cannibal joke for you.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53All right, Alan, can you look
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- and see what other items of cutlery you might have?- I've got this one.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57That, you might recognise.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Once again, it's clearly for testicles.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05If you did eat meat, it's quite common. Reasonably common.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06- No.- For fish?- Anyone know?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09It looks like it's for force-feeding a suffragette.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11The foreskin of a suffragette?
0:12:11 > 0:12:12No! For FORCE-FEEDING!
0:12:12 > 0:12:15LAUGHTER
0:12:17 > 0:12:18I'm so sorry!
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I'm so sorry! For force-feeding Emily Davison, as it were.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25That's what Batman used to say,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27"Within a foreskin of a suffragette!"
0:12:27 > 0:12:29"Foreskin of a suffragette, Batman!"
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Or for clenching a nose.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I'm sure the audience knows. Who'd like to shout out?
0:12:34 > 0:12:35AUDIENCE: Snails!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- They all know that's for l'escargot, it is for snails.- Oh, is it?
0:12:38 > 0:12:39You clench the shell
0:12:39 > 0:12:42and then you use a little winkling fork to get the flesh out.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46So there you are. And what have you got, Victoria?
0:12:46 > 0:12:51- I've got that.- Now that is interesting. You've also got a bowl.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54I'm sure there's, like, one of those in my mum's drawer, one of them.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58- I've seen that. That's the only one I've seen.- Your mum's drawers!
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- On my mum's drawers!- Is it a buffet spoon?- Does it rest on a...?
0:13:01 > 0:13:05It rests on the side of the bowl. The most useful thing...
0:13:05 > 0:13:06- Brilliant.- Oh, that's clever.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Usually, things for this substance are wooden
0:13:09 > 0:13:12with a sort of dome on the end and grooves around them.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13- Honey?- Honey.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15But this is even better for honey
0:13:15 > 0:13:17cos you pour the honey into the bowl,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19keeping it on top of that other bowl
0:13:19 > 0:13:22and where do you put the spoon without stickiness?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- Yeah.- You just simply put it back on.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I think other people have got more cutlery than me.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- This, which is a strange... - Very hard. If you guess that...
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- A spoon with holes in it. - I'll give you 100 points
0:13:33 > 0:13:35if you guess what that is specifically for.
0:13:35 > 0:13:40Oh, it's for Coco Pops so you get the milk at the bottom...
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- that's turned chocolaty. - It would work as that.- It would.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46It's actually very specifically for terrapins and turtles.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I don't usually eat them.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- You're a vegetarian. I know. - Exactly.- Oh, I see.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- The flesh is delicious, apparently.- Oh, OK.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- The giant turtle, famously... - Aren't they protected, Stephen?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58You're not supposed to be chomping away on them.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Oh, gosh, no, absolutely not. No, the Ridleys and...
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Well, why are you saying we should kill them and eat them?- No!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Why are you giving me cutlery to damage terrapins?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- You said that.- We used to. - Weird thing to say on television,
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- that we should eat turtles. - I take it back.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- We shouldn't be killing them. - But they're delicious.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13There is a special piece of cutlery for them.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- And apparently they're delicious. - We have some cutlery for them,
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- and they're delicious.- Just in case.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20And, Jason, what have you got?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Ahem...
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Ooh. Now this is interesting.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Don't look at your reflection in it, that'll only upset you.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I was seeing if that's what was unusual.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32- No.- Oh, my God, it's Tom Selleck.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34That's weird, isn't it? Of all the people.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Have a grip and a twist.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- OK. Oh!- Ah.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40It turns. It turns like that.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- Yeah.- Is it supposed to...? - All the way.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Oh, all the way, OK.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Oh, and then it just becomes, like...
0:14:45 > 0:14:46- It's broken.- It's...
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- It's a breakable spoon!- Brilliant.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53No, but look in the spoon end. The ladle end.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- It's hollow.- Yeah. Oh, inside there.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57So you could fill it with something.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- A message.- Hot water?- Hot water.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Oh, I was going to say turtle blood.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- Oh, I see.- You fill it with hot water and it's a gravy spoon
0:15:08 > 0:15:11that keeps the gravy nice and warm to stop the fat congealing.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12- Oh, I like that. - Richard?- Great idea.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Are we going to have anything that you can eat testicles with?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- They may be coming up. - Eat them with that.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- Here we go, here we go. - Yes, now what's that?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- Are they holes, in the end?- Ah! - Yeah, it's got all perforations.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- You see, you've learnt from your thing.- Yes.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29There are perforations in the ladle itself
0:15:29 > 0:15:31and the spoon part itself, the bowl. What about the other end?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- It's got a little hole in it. - Ah. So what could you do?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- Well...- You could hang it...
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- I'm going to insert it into the... - Cheese.- ..backside of a turtle.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Just there. Literally just there.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44And then, I think, you tell me if I'm wrong,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46you squeeze, is that right?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48You squeeze down on the shell.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51And out it comes, and then you've essentially got yourself a smoothie
0:15:51 > 0:15:53which comes out of the end.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Is it a turtle-blood smoothie maker?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57It's so close.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00If I said the word "mate" to you, would that mean anything?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Have you ever travelled to an area where you drink mate tea?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- Audience? - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Argentina.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- Argentina and Peru, and various other places.- Of course.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- It's called mate.- There we go. We've got that sorted.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12So, basically, it does a marvellous job.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13It stirs the leaves
0:16:13 > 0:16:17and allows you to drink the tea all in one without needing a strainer.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Oh, it's a straw.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- It's a straw, you suck it up. - Ah, that's so good.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23It's an Argentinian mate spoon.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Now, what attachment would you expect to find
0:16:27 > 0:16:29on a Swiss student knife?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- A Pot Noodle opener? - That's very good.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35How many attachments you think...? How many...?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- 12.- 12.- 40?
0:16:37 > 0:16:38- One.- Oh!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40You win. It's two. Very good.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43It only two, just two blades on a student knife. There is one.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45I suppose he doesn't need a corkscrew, does he?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47He doesn't really need a corkscrew, no. No.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49If it was a British child, yes.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54And he'd need a little special shot glass for a Jagerbomb.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00The whole works, basically, for your average British child.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Except QI viewers.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Pocket knives were originally imported from Germany in the 1890s
0:17:05 > 0:17:07but then a Swiss gentleman called Karl Elsener
0:17:07 > 0:17:09won the contract to make them locally.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12And every member of the Swiss Army had to get one
0:17:12 > 0:17:15and considering that was all men - were members of the Swiss Army -
0:17:15 > 0:17:19that was a very valuable contract indeed, as you can imagine.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Did people actually get killed by them?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Or were they just for cutting ropes and wood?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I think they were just for general use.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I don't think they were for hand-to-hand combat.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Yeah, you wouldn't want that.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32"Just wait there a sec, got to get the right one!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35"Argh! Corkscrew! For God's sake! Wait there!"
0:17:35 > 0:17:37It wasn't red, the original.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39As you can see, it was black with a wooden handle.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43The screwdriver was so that soldiers could actually dismantle their guns.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44That's what that was for.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Then there was the schoolboy knife and the farmer's knife.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51But his big break came in 1897 with the officer's knife.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54And that's really where we begin to go into Swiss Army territory.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Now you're talking.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Now, you can see - there's your classic formation.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00They make up to 65 million a year.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03It's huge. You see some shops which just have a window
0:18:03 > 0:18:04full of nothing else, don't you?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Including a big one that's slowly...
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I've got one of those. I bought one.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I bought one from a shop that was going out of business,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13one of those that just opens and closes. It's really good fun.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Just plug it in. I can sit and watch it for hours.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17Have you not got a television?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Yes, but I'm always on it!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24APPLAUSE
0:18:24 > 0:18:26I don't have that channel.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Ah! Um...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- "And now...QI."- Argh!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Um, you...
0:18:37 > 0:18:38LAUGHTER
0:18:40 > 0:18:42So much better, believe me.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Did you know that they produce a Swiss Army fragrance?
0:18:46 > 0:18:47- Oh.- Do they?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49You'll love the deception.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53"The Classic is a fresh, aromatic fragrance for men
0:18:53 > 0:18:56"that stands for refinement and vision.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59"It has notes of yuzu, geranium and lavender.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02"It radiates..." You could be talking about me here.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05"It radiates a disarming masculinity."
0:19:06 > 0:19:08But you'll be pleased to know, Victoria,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10there is one for the ladies.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14It's for "straightforward, uncomplicated women
0:19:14 > 0:19:16"who enjoy asserting their femininity
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- "alongside their athleticism." - That is me. That's me.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- Exactly! Absolutely. - Do we know what notes that's got?
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Yes, I can tell you the notes.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- Paraguay tea, cedar and hay. - Oh, all my favourites.- Hay?!
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- That's what it is. - Why are you putting hay in it?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- Is hay common in...? Is it common?- Yeah.- Yes?
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Hay, grass, manure, compost - love it all.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Oh, dear. But, as always,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42the best in multi-bladed knives comes from Norfolk.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- The best in everything comes from Norfolk.- The Norfolk Army Knife?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47The Norfolk Knife, not the Norfolk Army Knife.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- They've got their own army? - The Iceni Knife.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50No, there is a Norfolk Knife,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52which I think will take your breath away
0:19:52 > 0:19:54for its beauty and uncomplicated design.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59That's good to solve most of your problems,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02including the problem of having fingers will be solved.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08- That's amazing.- It's preposterous, isn't it? But it is...
0:20:08 > 0:20:10That's the Norfolk Knife. Well, there you are.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12So I hope I'm radiating disarming masculinity
0:20:12 > 0:20:14as we move on to the next question.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17What's the quickest way to cool down my kitchen?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I'm going to... Just because I'd love to get a klaxon sound,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- is it opening the fridge?- Ah! - KLAXON
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- That would make it hotter.- Somehow that makes it hotter, doesn't it?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- Turning on the oven.- Turning on the oven would not cool...
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- Turning on the top of the stove. Put the gas on.- Right.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Because the coolest place in front of a fire is right in front.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Oh, I see what you mean, but that would still warm up the room.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- Yeah, all right, it's just a thought.- No, don't...
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Don't be cross, it's good you didn't say turn on the fan,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- which would have got you a klaxon. - I wasn't going to say that!- Exactly.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Can I just say turn on the fan?
0:20:47 > 0:20:51- Oh, you've gone klaxon-mad! - KLAXON
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- It is...- Why...? So why would opening the fridge...?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55It's the second law of thermodynamics.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58The energy you need to create the coolness creates work.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01And energy and work are basically congruent, in physics, to heat.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02And so the back of a fridge...
0:21:02 > 0:21:05But what if the motor of my fridge is outside my...
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- I'm thinking exactly that. - Ah, if that were the case, yes.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- Cos you haven't been to my kitchen.- No!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- I said MY kitchen, though, that was in the question.- I'm so sorry.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13We had it covered.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15In the case of an air-conditioner, of course,
0:21:15 > 0:21:16the back is always outside.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18So a fan that is just cooling the air...?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Yeah, the motor of the fan warms the room.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22And what's up with them windows? Do they not open?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Well, that would be a good answer. Exactly.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26What about opening the windows?!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Yes, that's fine, you might get a point for that.- Yes!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- Why's it so hot in your kitchen?- I know.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32What have you been doing?
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Cooking.
0:21:34 > 0:21:39What protected species have you been slaughtering in your kitchen?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Boiling terrapins by the dozen.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44"Open a window, Stephen!"
0:21:44 > 0:21:45"No, I like it hot and sweaty!"
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Scraping the froth off.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Oh, don't!
0:21:50 > 0:21:53"Where's my mate spoon?"
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Now, John Gori. John Gori of Florida
0:21:57 > 0:22:00was one of the pioneers of refrigeration
0:22:00 > 0:22:03and he believed that heat was one of the things that made you ill.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06And so he would lower huge bags of ice over patients,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08and the cold air would fall on their faces
0:22:08 > 0:22:10and he thought that would help them.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Then he went so far as to invent a refrigeration machine
0:22:14 > 0:22:16and this outraged the huge industry
0:22:16 > 0:22:21that towed and transported real ice from Canada and other places
0:22:21 > 0:22:23into New York and so on,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25and they had a successful campaign,
0:22:25 > 0:22:30saying that artificial ice didn't work, it wasn't proper ice
0:22:30 > 0:22:33and it would never work properly. And he died in poverty.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35In the supermarket, there's a bag of...
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- You know you can buy bags of ice?- Yes.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- There's one I saw called "Extra-slow-melting ice".- What?!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- I know!- Has it got salt in it or something?
0:22:43 > 0:22:44What can they possibly...?
0:22:44 > 0:22:48And then, in the thing, it just says, "Ingredients - water."
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- That is dodgy.- That's dodgy. - There's clearly someone there...
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- It also has a Best Before on it, legally.- Yeah!- I love that.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57It's fantastic, isn't it?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59So if you leave the fridge door open,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01the room will actually get warmer.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Which breed of dog makes the best kebab?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09You need one with an opposable digit to make any kind of sandwich.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Hey, very good!
0:23:10 > 0:23:13What about a sheep dog?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- KLAXON - Whoa.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I was going to say sausage dog, so I'm glad I went for that.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22KLAXON
0:23:23 > 0:23:25APPLAUSE
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Yeah, what about a kebab dog?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32There isn't such a dog, fortunately.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36There's a shop near me, there's a takeaway near me called Kebabish.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39And I like it, cos it sort of sounds like the guy who owns it,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41even he doesn't know what's in the meat.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42"What is it?"
0:23:42 > 0:23:45"I don't know, it's just kebabish, it's just like a kebab."
0:23:45 > 0:23:46Funny you should say that,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48because doner kebabs have come under scrutiny lately.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51The average doner has 1,000 calories,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- half a woman's recommended daily allowance.- Wow.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Even a woman called Donna.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Even a woman called Donna, in fact.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00The worst have almost 2,000 calories.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04An average has 98% of the recommended daily allowance of salt,
0:24:04 > 0:24:09and 148% of the recommended daily allowance of saturated fat.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I know reading those out is supposed to put us off,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13but I could kill for one now.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17It did sound... All the stuff about saturated fat sounded delicious.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- Oh, yes.- It did, didn't it? - That just sounds like a bargain,
0:24:20 > 0:24:22if you're getting 98% of your salt,
0:24:22 > 0:24:26means you don't have to get it anywhere else, do you?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28APPLAUSE
0:24:28 > 0:24:31It's called a doner kebab... I mean, because it's Turkish for a spit,
0:24:31 > 0:24:34generally, a going-round thing, a rotisserie.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Cos the standard kebab is, like, on a skewer, isn't it?
0:24:37 > 0:24:38- A shish.- A shish.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41And I never knew you could pull them off the skewer before you ate them,
0:24:41 > 0:24:43when I was a boy, I was going to go like that,
0:24:43 > 0:24:44and then I'd go, "Argh..."
0:24:47 > 0:24:50And then I saw someone just pulling them all off. Exactly!
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Ow!
0:24:54 > 0:24:58- That's how the Queen eats them. - Yeah, I'm sure she does.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59So, do you have dogs?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01No, I don't like things that don't talk.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04You don't like things that...? I love that rule.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I don't like things that don't make jokes.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08That's a really good rule.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10It excludes some men, obviously.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Yeah, I was going to say, some men as well.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Because we are literally speaking about a breed of dog
0:25:15 > 0:25:17that has since gone out of existence.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20It's no longer bred and it's become extinct as a breed.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21But it used... But it used to talk?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24No, no, sorry. We're conflating, unfortunately, here.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27It was a spit dog, a turnspit dog.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28It was actually bred...
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- Spit the Dog.- There is one. - Oh, Spit the Dog!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- It's a really cute... - Bob Carolgees...
0:25:32 > 0:25:34It's a cute breed, look at it. Isn't it cute?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- It's not cute, it's weird. - No, it's not, it's horrible.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- It's like a Star Wars dog. - Oh, I think it looks lovely.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42It's... This is a stuffed one in Abergavenny Museum, I ought to say.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- The taxidermist has bollocksed that right up.- Well...
0:25:46 > 0:25:50- The head's wrong.- It's stuffed with feta and vine leaves.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Their job was to walk round,
0:25:54 > 0:25:58keeping the roast meat on a spit evenly cooked.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00They were actually bred for that job.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02They were inside a wheel and they turned the wheel.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Like a hamster in a Ferris wheel.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06And it worked beautifully well.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08And on their day off, they would get taken to church
0:26:08 > 0:26:09and used as foot warmers.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12That was the life of...
0:26:12 > 0:26:15It sounds like they went into extinction through choice.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- "I've had enough of this. Come on, lads."- Yes.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23And Queen Victoria kept retired ones as pets.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25She actually liked them rather a lot.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28- It's a nice thought, isn't it? - It looks sad.- Yeah.- Well, yeah.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- Probably cos it's dead.- It is dead. - Because the box is too small.- Yes!
0:26:32 > 0:26:38There were, in 1765, estimated to be 3,000 turnspit dogs in Bath alone.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Not everyone liked them.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41William Cotesworth of Gateshead
0:26:41 > 0:26:43wrote that he had got rid of his turnspit,
0:26:43 > 0:26:45"To keep the dog from the fire, the wheel out of the way
0:26:45 > 0:26:49"and the dog prevented from shitting upon everything it could."
0:26:49 > 0:26:51That's the problem, you don't want poo.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54That's Northerners for you, though.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- Who wants to bath alone, anyway? - Yeah, nobody wants to do that.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- "Who wants to bath alone?"- Yeah.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- Oh, what a lovely saying.- I don't.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03When did you last bath alone?
0:27:03 > 0:27:04- I don't bath.- Ah.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Please tell me you shower.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- I shower.- Good.- If you insist!
0:27:10 > 0:27:11I can tell you!
0:27:13 > 0:27:14I know you do -
0:27:14 > 0:27:17you smell of disarming masculinity and hay.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Well, that's your answer.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Turnspit dogs. They got hot during the working week
0:27:22 > 0:27:24and on Sunday were used as foot warmers.
0:27:24 > 0:27:30Now, when Koreans went into space, what did they take to chow down on?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- You've got a bowl, Victoria... - I've got a bowl?
0:27:32 > 0:27:33..and you can eat some.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36- Phwoar, blimey! - It is quite a strong smell.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37- Oh, you really can.- It really is.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41- They took that into space? - Yeah.- Was that to get rid of it?
0:27:41 > 0:27:42It is a bit smelly, it's actually delicious.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- Let's hope there's pudding. - Korean astronaut food?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Well, they developed a special breed of it for astronauts.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50I think it's got cabbage in it.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52It has, it's mostly cabbage.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54It's almost like a kind of sauerkraut.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Sorry, I dropped my chopsticks.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02You can't drop anything in space.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04You merely release.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07The point about this food is it is generally reckoned
0:28:07 > 0:28:11that this food is more celebrated and loved by the Koreans
0:28:11 > 0:28:15than any food in any other culture is loved by any other culture.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17It is absolutely their identity.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19They've not... They've not had a pie in the North.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22No, well, believe me, they talk about this food
0:28:22 > 0:28:24far more even than Northerners talk about pies.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26In Wigan, you know, on the back of bakers' vans,
0:28:26 > 0:28:30they've got a sign that says, "No pies are left in this van overnight."
0:28:30 > 0:28:32APPLAUSE
0:28:33 > 0:28:35It's true, that.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37That's how important they are.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39That is very good.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42But if you can name this food, I'd be very impressed,
0:28:42 > 0:28:44because it really is the essence of Korea.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46They really are obsessed with it.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48- Have you ever heard of it?- No.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51- It begins with K, which is a help. - AUDIENCE: Kimchi.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Kimchi is the right answer, from the audience. K-I-M-C-H-I.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56- Well, it's bloody lovely. - It is really good, isn't it?
0:28:56 > 0:28:59- It's pretty healthy.- Have you got any more?- Do you want my one?
0:28:59 > 0:29:01It's mostly cabbage...
0:29:03 > 0:29:06- I tell you what, I'm going to Korea on holiday.- Yeah!
0:29:06 > 0:29:08It is genuinely delicious, isn't it?
0:29:08 > 0:29:11- It's quite piquant, it's quite hot, it's got a bit of chilli.- Yeah.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14It's mostly radish and cabbage, and it's very, very simple.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16But there are lots of different...
0:29:16 > 0:29:18- I can feel myself becoming more obedient.- Yeah.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21APPLAUSE
0:29:24 > 0:29:27Finally! At last.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29- Do you know what, though?- Tell me.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31- You know when you want a second one...- Yeah.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34- You don't, really. - It's just too much. Yeah.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37They eat two million tonnes of this a year.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39- Each?!- In South Korea on its own.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42I think that would be... Even that is too much.
0:29:42 > 0:29:46Some make their own and bury it in a sealed jar over winter.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49Others have special kimchi refrigerators.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52- When you open the door of them, they heat the room up.- Whooo!
0:29:55 > 0:29:59- It is quite hot.- It's quite hot, it's quite hot.- Yeah.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02It's really HO-O-OT!
0:30:02 > 0:30:04In 2010, they had a...
0:30:04 > 0:30:07- IN KOREAN ACCENT: - "You like kimchi, ha-ha-ha!
0:30:07 > 0:30:09"You western fool! Afterburn!"
0:30:09 > 0:30:11No racial stereotyping here, then.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16Just cheap laughs, cheap laughs, Stephen.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19That is just... That's razy lacism, and you know it.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Um, in 2010, they had a cabbage crop failure
0:30:22 > 0:30:25- and the price rose by 400%. - Shut up! Oh!
0:30:25 > 0:30:29And they spent millions on the South Korean astronaut,
0:30:29 > 0:30:31who went up into space.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33And...so she could have a kimchi
0:30:33 > 0:30:35that was bacterially more sound
0:30:35 > 0:30:38and would survive in space better,
0:30:38 > 0:30:41because it was absolutely crucial to her wellbeing as a Korean.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43And indeed, Chung Il-kwon, when he was President,
0:30:43 > 0:30:45during the Vietnam war, said to President Johnson,
0:30:45 > 0:30:50who asked, when he was away, "What do you miss in Korea?"
0:30:50 > 0:30:53He said, to be honest he missed kimchi more than he missed his wife.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55Is Kimchi the name of his mistress?
0:30:56 > 0:30:58Possibly.
0:30:58 > 0:30:59Anyway, for Koreans,
0:30:59 > 0:31:02kimchi is literally out of this world.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05How could you get money out of the king of Scotland?
0:31:06 > 0:31:08That's a wonderful photograph, isn't it?
0:31:08 > 0:31:10Obviously, he's not the king of Scotland.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13This was a very early king of Scotland, nearly 1,000 years ago.
0:31:13 > 0:31:17- There he is. He was King David I. - Oh, Dave, yeah, yeah.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19- Old Dave.- Of course, yeah, you can see with the beard now, yeah.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22- Wee Davie.- Cos he didn't always have the beard, did he?
0:31:22 > 0:31:25- And then he grew it for Movember. - When he was a baby...
0:31:28 > 0:31:32He was a tiny, tiny King, smaller than a thistle.
0:31:32 > 0:31:33He was very, very small.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35"Can we have some money, King David?"
0:31:35 > 0:31:37- SMALL VOICE: - "No, you can't have any money!"
0:31:37 > 0:31:41He would reward people, give them a tax rebate
0:31:41 > 0:31:42if they had good...?
0:31:42 > 0:31:45- Shortbread.- Scones.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48- Scones, shortbread...? - Deep-fried Mars bars.- Table manners?
0:31:48 > 0:31:51- Say it again.- Table manners? - Is the right answer.- Hey!
0:31:51 > 0:31:54He would reward people for their table manners.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56- STEPHEN LAUGHS - Immediately took your elbows of!
0:31:57 > 0:31:59- Whoa!- Never know.- Fantastic.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01Plus five points for good table manners.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03The 12th-century King David I of Scotland, yes.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05According to William of Malmesbury,
0:32:05 > 0:32:08he gave tax rebates for good table manners.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10Talking of table manners and royalty,
0:32:10 > 0:32:12which member of the Royal family
0:32:12 > 0:32:15would you least expect to have had terrible table manners?
0:32:15 > 0:32:20- Queen Victoria.- Queen Victoria, yeah. And she was, er...
0:32:20 > 0:32:22- Jesus!- Was she still of a generation
0:32:22 > 0:32:26who thought that blowing off at the end of a meal was a compliment?
0:32:26 > 0:32:27No! I don't think...
0:32:27 > 0:32:30I've been using that one for years, you know.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33"It's a COMPLIMENT to the chef!"
0:32:33 > 0:32:37- I think you are confusing it with burping.- Oh, God, sorry!
0:32:38 > 0:32:40All this time...
0:32:42 > 0:32:45It's never a compliment to blow off at the table,
0:32:45 > 0:32:48- where there's food. - Unless you're a nun.
0:32:48 > 0:32:49Yeah, unless you're a nun.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51# What are we going to do about Maria? #
0:32:51 > 0:32:52Pfffrrrrt!
0:32:52 > 0:32:54It does look like rather a joyless table, doesn't it?
0:32:54 > 0:32:57Which one of those is Queen Victoria?
0:32:57 > 0:32:59- VICTORIA:- And which one of those is Edward VIII?
0:32:59 > 0:33:01That one like Winston Churchill in drag.
0:33:01 > 0:33:02- I think Edward- VII- is on the right.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04- No, one of the boys would be Edward- VIII.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07Oh! I see what you mean. It would be. His son, David. It would be.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10- The second one. - Which one is Colin Firth?
0:33:13 > 0:33:16That would be the youngest one on the left, I think.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19That's Colin F-F-F-F-F-Firth.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21Um... And in the middle is Queen Victoria.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23- Why is she so, you know...? - Joyless?- Yeah.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26She was not amused, if you remember, since her husband died.
0:33:26 > 0:33:27I know, but you'd have thought,
0:33:27 > 0:33:30- once she's at the table with her family, she'd bloody smile!- No.
0:33:30 > 0:33:34The paparazzi are so annoying when you're having your breakfast.
0:33:34 > 0:33:35They're like that.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37She was a large woman.
0:33:37 > 0:33:42- She was only 4'11" high. - Kylie Minogue.- Kylie Minogue.
0:33:42 > 0:33:43- Is she stood up there?- No.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45- VICTORIA:- She was about 12 stone, wasn't she?
0:33:45 > 0:33:48But she weighed 12 stone. It's exactly what she wait.
0:33:48 > 0:33:49She had a 50-inch waist.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52Well, her bloomers were 50 inches.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54As collected by Norman St John-Stevas, the MP.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56- I didn't know that.- Yes, he did.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58He collected Victoria's underwear.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Literally. Not VictoriAN but VictoriA'S
0:34:01 > 0:34:06And he started the lingerie shop, Victoria's Secret, didn't he?
0:34:06 > 0:34:08- Very good!- That's what he sells.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11I've never been in, but I presume that's what they sell.
0:34:11 > 0:34:12Presumably it is.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15The fact is, because she was Queen, she got served first at dinner
0:34:15 > 0:34:17and she would start eating.
0:34:17 > 0:34:22And she would get through a 14-course dinner in half an hour.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24- Wow.- And once she had finished,
0:34:24 > 0:34:27- everyone else had their food taken away.- Brilliant.
0:34:27 > 0:34:28So, they'd go, "Ah."
0:34:28 > 0:34:31And she would just gobble away at incredible speed.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33Lord Hartington, who was one of her courtiers,
0:34:33 > 0:34:37was heard to shout at a footman, "BRING THAT BACK!"
0:34:37 > 0:34:39He was so angry at the fact that...
0:34:39 > 0:34:42By the time you'd just got your soup spoon in,
0:34:42 > 0:34:44she was going, "Well, that was very lovely."
0:34:45 > 0:34:48And her doctors became concerned at her obesity
0:34:48 > 0:34:53and they recommended Benger's Food, which was one of these supplements.
0:34:53 > 0:34:57This was a thick, milky gruel, often given to invalids and the elderly,
0:34:57 > 0:35:01so she agreed and she took it on top of her normal diet.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Were they worried she wasn't going to fit on the coins?
0:35:07 > 0:35:09That's a brilliant idea!
0:35:09 > 0:35:13Just get a little bit of the middle of her, a big breast.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16- The coins got bigger and bigger and bigger.- Huge coins.
0:35:16 > 0:35:17"A whole penny?"
0:35:17 > 0:35:18Fwa-chang!
0:35:20 > 0:35:23The lavatory doors were vast to spend a penny.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25Oh, lordy.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Now, here's the skull of King Richard III,
0:35:28 > 0:35:30but what can you tell me about his table manners,
0:35:30 > 0:35:32just by looking at it?
0:35:32 > 0:35:35Well, he was very good at eating Toblerone.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38Anything else you can tell?
0:35:38 > 0:35:40What's unusual about his teeth compared to ours?
0:35:40 > 0:35:44- Space for a straw, that would be... - Space for a straw, yes!
0:35:44 > 0:35:49Notice your teeth, the top row and the bottom row.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51Close your mouth, naturally.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53- Yeah.- Your top row...
0:35:53 > 0:35:54Overbite.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56We've all got an overbite.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59Cruelly called by Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally,
0:35:59 > 0:36:02"Dancing - white man's overbite."
0:36:04 > 0:36:05But the actual overbite,
0:36:05 > 0:36:08literally like that, is a recent thing in human beings.
0:36:08 > 0:36:12And it comes after forks, because we cut up our food.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14And in the days when we wrenched our food,
0:36:14 > 0:36:16the incisors would get smoothed down more,
0:36:16 > 0:36:18and the teeth would fit exactly.
0:36:18 > 0:36:22And it shows that Richard III didn't use a fork for cutting his food,
0:36:22 > 0:36:24which we know,
0:36:24 > 0:36:28cos forks were not used for transferring food to your mouth.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30Right up to Tudor times, you would use...?
0:36:30 > 0:36:31- Your hands.- Your hands.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33So if we brought up children without knives and forks,
0:36:33 > 0:36:36- they wouldn't develop an overbite? - No.- You know what?
0:36:36 > 0:36:38I'm going to try. I'll come back in 21 years' time.
0:36:38 > 0:36:39- Call me a liar.- We'll see.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41- It's true.- With a really resentful-looking boy.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44- I've got twins, so - one, I'm going to give a fork.- Brilliant!
0:36:44 > 0:36:47- Brilliant!- And one... I'll have the perfect experiment.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50- It is superb. Unethical, but perfect.- Yeah.
0:36:50 > 0:36:54And you can sort of show this by the difference in civilisations
0:36:54 > 0:36:55who've developed overbites.
0:36:55 > 0:36:59And 1,000 years ago, you can see where Chinese aristocratic skulls
0:36:59 > 0:37:02have an overbite, but peasants don't.
0:37:02 > 0:37:05And it's when they started to use chopsticks
0:37:05 > 0:37:08and chop up their food, and then it spread throughout the population.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10So it really does... It sounds weird,
0:37:10 > 0:37:12but this overbite we have is an acquired characteristic
0:37:12 > 0:37:14because of our chopping-up of food.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16You can just tell by looking at skulls.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Just go through any graveyard, dig people up,
0:37:18 > 0:37:21- and you'll see I'm right, Jason. - "Stephen Fry told me to do it."
0:37:21 > 0:37:23- Yes, absolutely! - While I'm chewing on a turtle.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27- "Really bad influence."- Yeah.
0:37:27 > 0:37:28So, anyway,
0:37:28 > 0:37:32name the traditional ingredients of kedgeree.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35Well, now, there's some of them on the screen.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Rice. Say rice.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Say eggs.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43- I think Victoria wanted to answer this one.- Yes.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46Um...haddock.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49- Oh, dear! Oh, dear! - KLAXON
0:37:49 > 0:37:51You wanted that, didn't you?
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Er, what about egg? Rice?
0:37:53 > 0:37:56Yes, egg. Well, rice... It means "a mix-up".
0:37:56 > 0:37:57And fish is a very recent thing
0:37:57 > 0:37:59to be an absolute essential of kedgeree.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02In fact, the Hobson-Jobson Dictionary Of Anglo-Indian Words,
0:38:02 > 0:38:05which is one of the great books of its time, says,
0:38:05 > 0:38:07"In England, we find the word is often applied
0:38:07 > 0:38:09"to a mess of re-cooked fish served for breakfast,
0:38:09 > 0:38:11"but this is inaccurate.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14"Fish is frequently eaten WITH kedgeree but is no part of it."
0:38:14 > 0:38:15So it's...
0:38:15 > 0:38:19It now tends to be flaked haddock and a bit of cream and curry powder
0:38:19 > 0:38:20and rice and boiled egg
0:38:20 > 0:38:23and is absolutely delicious.
0:38:23 > 0:38:24But I'll give you 100 points
0:38:24 > 0:38:26if you can name two traditional Italian breads.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32Oh, so tempting!
0:38:32 > 0:38:34Well, now...ciabatta.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37- KLAXON - Oh!
0:38:37 > 0:38:40- Er...- We're already there.
0:38:40 > 0:38:44Ciabatta was invented in 1982, can you believe? It's that recent.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46- No, shut up. - Yeah, it was an Italian baker
0:38:46 > 0:38:49who was worried about the threat of French baguettes,
0:38:49 > 0:38:52and it's the Italian for...? You can redeem yourself if you know.
0:38:52 > 0:38:53Baguette.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58That would be too easy, no. It's not really the shape of it.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00- Handbag? - Well, that's closer, it's...
0:39:00 > 0:39:02- Slipper.- Yes!
0:39:02 > 0:39:04Brilliant, it was a slipper, yes.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07It was... He was Arnaldo Cavallari, was his name,
0:39:07 > 0:39:11and it was a specific invention, he called it "Ciabatta Polesano",
0:39:11 > 0:39:14Polesine is a part of Northern Italy.
0:39:14 > 0:39:15So it really is very recent.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18Some people claim that it was around since the '40s,
0:39:18 > 0:39:20but there doesn't seem to be any proof of this,
0:39:20 > 0:39:23the name doesn't appear before 1982.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26Now, what can you see coming out of your kettle as it boils?
0:39:26 > 0:39:28- VICTORIA:- Vapour.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31- Is the right answer.- Hooray!
0:39:31 > 0:39:33Not steam.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36- I wasn't going to say steam. - No, as if you would(!)
0:39:36 > 0:39:38- Because steam is...?- The stuff that comes out of the kettle.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41Oh! Steam is invisible.
0:39:41 > 0:39:43- It does come out of the kettle...- Oh, really?
0:39:43 > 0:39:44..but sometimes you see a gap, you know?
0:39:44 > 0:39:47- you get the little gap and then you see the vapour.- Oh, yeah.
0:39:47 > 0:39:49And the gap is steam, it's an invisible gas.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51And as soon as it cools, even slightly,
0:39:51 > 0:39:53it turns to water vapour, and that's the bit you see.
0:39:53 > 0:39:55We call it steam, but it isn't.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57Steam is actually invisible.
0:39:57 > 0:39:58Isn't that interesting?
0:39:58 > 0:40:01- Very interesting. - Thank you. So it's "VI".
0:40:01 > 0:40:03I tell my children not to eat their food
0:40:03 > 0:40:05till the steam's gone.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07Now what am I going to say?
0:40:07 > 0:40:10But I mean, yeah, in ordinary everyday speech, things steam,
0:40:10 > 0:40:13and "steamy" are... You know, manure steams and...
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Oh, I tell them not to eat manure as well.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18Not till the steam's gone off it.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20I'm glad to hear it.
0:40:20 > 0:40:25- Did you know that in 1784 there was a Kettle War?- Wow.
0:40:25 > 0:40:26Between...?
0:40:26 > 0:40:29Oh, it was between Morphy and Richards, wasn't it?
0:40:29 > 0:40:30And in the end...
0:40:32 > 0:40:35- In the end, they joined together and...- It was all fine.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38It was between the Dutch and the Austrians.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41One shot took place on the Austrian flagship -
0:40:41 > 0:40:44a bullet was fired by the Dutch and hit a kettle
0:40:44 > 0:40:47and ricocheted off and the Austrians immediately surrendered.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50So it was known as the Kettle War. There you are.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53Well, we have to end now with a Knick Knack,
0:40:53 > 0:40:54which I sometimes end with.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56This is...
0:40:56 > 0:41:00Ooh, this is exciting. This is a remarkable substance.
0:41:00 > 0:41:05It's called polyethylene oxide, and it's very gloopy,
0:41:05 > 0:41:08and also it reacts rather excitedly under ultraviolet light.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11And, Alan and Victoria, you've got ultraviolet torches
0:41:11 > 0:41:12and you can point them at it.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14I think we might have some ultraviolet light in the studio.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17- Shall I point them now, sir? - Yes, please do.
0:41:17 > 0:41:18Ooh, look. See?
0:41:18 > 0:41:20- Wow!- Ooh!
0:41:20 > 0:41:21Now, what I'm going to try and do,
0:41:21 > 0:41:24I'm going to stand up to do this,
0:41:24 > 0:41:26it's a very remarkable effect.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29The effect is, when you pour it,
0:41:29 > 0:41:31if I get it at the right angle,
0:41:31 > 0:41:35it pulls itself out of the flask and into here.
0:41:35 > 0:41:39It flows uphill and out and down again. All right.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43There we go. Oh, it's pulling itself up, it's pulling itself up...
0:41:43 > 0:41:45You see what I mean? It's pulling itself up from the bottom.
0:41:45 > 0:41:49If you look at the top one, it's actually flowing uphill there.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51And then it thins out into a little trail of snot.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53I'll try that again, so we'll just get a few takes.
0:41:53 > 0:41:54That's like when...
0:41:54 > 0:41:58It's like when you have a wee after a Berocca, isn't it, that?
0:41:58 > 0:41:59It is!
0:42:01 > 0:42:04That's exactly what it's like.
0:42:04 > 0:42:05Oh, goodness.
0:42:05 > 0:42:08So disgusting. Polyethylene oxide. I don't know what else...
0:42:08 > 0:42:09What's it used for?
0:42:09 > 0:42:12It's a very good masturbatory lubricant.
0:42:15 > 0:42:18- Particularly in the dark.- Yeah.
0:42:18 > 0:42:21APPLAUSE
0:42:23 > 0:42:24All right, we'll try again.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27It's a little bit awkward getting two friends
0:42:27 > 0:42:29- to hold the torch, though.- Isn't it?
0:42:30 > 0:42:33Yeah. There we go, that's pulling itself up there nicely.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35Excellent, there we go. Phew!
0:42:37 > 0:42:38Thank you.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40And thank you...
0:42:42 > 0:42:44Thank you, my special ultraviolet helpers.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47Well, on that exciting note,
0:42:47 > 0:42:49let's go to the scores.
0:42:49 > 0:42:53Oh, my actual goodness.
0:42:53 > 0:42:55It's really remarkable.
0:42:55 > 0:42:58I'm afraid, possibly because he was booby-trapped into it,
0:42:58 > 0:43:01in last place, with -38 is Jason Manford.
0:43:01 > 0:43:03How'd that happen?
0:43:03 > 0:43:05APPLAUSE
0:43:05 > 0:43:07In a highly creditable third place,
0:43:07 > 0:43:09with -17, is Richard Osman.
0:43:09 > 0:43:12- Oh, thank you. - APPLAUSE
0:43:12 > 0:43:13Which is very impressive.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18And in second place with -7 is Victoria Wood.
0:43:18 > 0:43:21APPLAUSE
0:43:21 > 0:43:28But, scraping into a lead by one point, on -6, is Alan Davies!
0:43:28 > 0:43:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:33 > 0:43:35Well. Put that away.
0:43:35 > 0:43:37I got points for eating that food.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40And with thanks to Victoria, Richard, Jason and Alan,
0:43:40 > 0:43:41it's good night!
0:43:41 > 0:43:45APPLAUSE
0:43:45 > 0:43:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd