0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42"Hell is empty, all the devils are here," to quote Shakespeare.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Welcome to the QI Christmas Show, otherwise known as
0:00:45 > 0:00:49"The Feast of Stephen". Let's meet our merry players.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Miss Scarlett - Jo Brand!
0:00:50 > 0:00:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Colonel Mustard - Phill Jupitus!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Mrs Brown - Brendan O'Carroll!
0:01:10 > 0:01:13And the lead piping in the bathroom - Alan Davies!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22And the buzzers are adorable. Jo goes...
0:01:22 > 0:01:26WOMEN SING "O COME, ALL YE FAITHFUL"
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Brendan goes...
0:01:28 > 0:01:31MEN SING "O COME, ALL YE FAITHFUL"
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Phill goes...
0:01:33 > 0:01:37MEN AND WOMEN SING "O COME, ALL YE FAITHFUL"
0:01:37 > 0:01:39And Alan goes...
0:01:39 > 0:01:41MEN AND WOMEN SING "RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER"
0:01:41 > 0:01:43LAUGHTER
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Thank you, Alan. And so, to our first question.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Ooh, you've been given a truly horrible sweater for Christmas.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Oh, sorry, that's the question.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55What's the best way to get rid of it?
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Some comedic unravelling that they used to always do in films
0:01:59 > 0:02:03when I was little, on the telly, and you never see that any more.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05It's always someone getting a thing and...
0:02:05 > 0:02:07STEPHEN MAKES UNRAVELLING NOISE
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- That definitely would do it. - Tom and Jerry.- That would do it.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Any other thoughts?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Well, you can get in touch with the people at CERN,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- who have been working on the Higgs boson.- Yeah.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Which I'm fairly sure will lead to time travel.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21And then you can turn them back into sheep.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- Reversing time is a very good idea, that would do.- It's complex.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- What would you do?- Just say "Thank you very much" and burn it.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32LAUGHTER
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Ever the practical, positive solution.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38I'd do the same, I'd set fire to it, but I'd make sure my
0:02:38 > 0:02:40least favourite relative was trying it on at the time.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45You could give it to charity.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48There was a lady who lived on our road who used to donate three,
0:02:48 > 0:02:52four shirts a week to charity, and then she'd go back and buy them back
0:02:52 > 0:02:57for 50p each, because it was cheaper than leaving them into the cleaner's.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00That's brilliant.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Well, the funny thing is,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04between you you've oddly got near the truth of it.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Unravel it whilst travelling through time?
0:03:07 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER
0:03:08 > 0:03:10You sort of do the effect of travelling through time,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13if you take a sweater on a journey back through time,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15eventually it becomes a ball of wool.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Is there a machine that can take a pullover
0:03:19 > 0:03:23and unravel it back into its constituent woollen parts?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- Or a scarf, for example.- Why would you make such a thing?- Why indeed!
0:03:27 > 0:03:30The only person on the planet we know who has done it...
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Imogen Hedges, ladies and gentlemen!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34APPLAUSE
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Lovely to see you. Now, to explain ourselves, you're a student at...?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Kingston, I just graduated.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47And one of your projects was an un-knitting machine.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- And this is something you built yourself?- Yeah.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52She's fantastic, what a mind.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Most people think, "I'll try and make something,"
0:03:54 > 0:03:56but to unmake something, to go back in time...
0:03:56 > 0:03:59So could you take, say, Alan's scarf,
0:03:59 > 0:04:00and return it to a ball of wool?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- Yep.- Seriously?- Yep.- Oh, charming.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- And once you've un-knitted it, can you knit it again?- Yeah.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12She can do anything! Can we see your machine?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15There it is, and I believe that's your brother there.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Tristan, give us a wave! Hello, Tristan.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- And he's going to be operating. It's pedal-powered?- Yes.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- PHILL:- Do they not have electricity in Kingston?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Has the recession bitten that hard?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31It's like a wind-up radio, it's for use around the world.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Can I ask a question? Has Tristan got a girlfriend?
0:04:36 > 0:04:41- He is quite...- He's very cute, isn't he?- One would, one feels.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42LAUGHTER
0:04:44 > 0:04:47He's going to pedal fast now, I tell you that!
0:04:48 > 0:04:51ALAN IMITATES TRISTAN PEDALLING FRANTICALLY
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Stop it, stop it, stop it at once!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57..across the studio!
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Stop it, stop it.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Imogen, thanks very much, take the scarf away
0:05:03 > 0:05:05and we'll be looking in on you.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- Oh, dear.- I just hate it when you two get all Christmassy like that.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17We'll be looking in on her from time to time.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Now, we're all loyal servants of Her Majesty here.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23What do you think the Queen's going to give you for Christmas this year?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26A message.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29She will certainly be giving us all a message, that's true.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32That not a klaxon? I felt certain that would be a klaxon.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35For years it's actually been a robot.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39She only gives things to people when they're 100. She gives Maundy money.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43She gives Maundy money on Maundy Thursday, well, her staff, which is
0:05:43 > 0:05:47obviously extensive, it used to be they could choose from a catalogue.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Argos?
0:05:51 > 0:05:57And with value between £20 and £25, according to length of service.
0:05:57 > 0:06:02That's a very small window! "26.99?" "Nope."
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- IMPERSONATES THE QUEEN:- "Too much."
0:06:05 > 0:06:08In 2006, it changed, they all get the same thing.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10These are her butlers and so on,
0:06:10 > 0:06:14obviously her family it's different, but this is if you're her servant.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16How many staff?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- I don't have the number, but it's pretty enormous.- You don't know?!
0:06:19 > 0:06:24- I'm sorry, I have failed you, Brendan, on the first fence.- Sake.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26I thought you would know every light bulb in the place.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- I'll just say a number and you'll believe me.- Yes.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32There are over 4,000 light bulbs in the palace, I can tell you that.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34My God. That's some bill.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Have you not met the Queen yet?
0:06:35 > 0:06:40Yes, she nudged me once, quite hard in the ribs.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42It was quite funny.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46At her son's wedding, to Camilla, at Windsor Castle,
0:06:46 > 0:06:50and she made this very funny speech, she stood on the table.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55- She got on a table?- Yeah, she stood on a chair, got on the table...
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Then she made a very funny speech and got down,
0:06:58 > 0:07:00and I was chatting to someone and got this rib,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03"Isn't anybody going to give me cake?"
0:07:03 > 0:07:04LAUGHTER
0:07:07 > 0:07:10So I said, "Of course, ma'am, I'll get you some cake."
0:07:10 > 0:07:12This must be a dream, you dreamed all of it!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I know it sounds mad, but it's absolutely true.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17"I'm going outside for a fag! Come on, Fry."
0:07:17 > 0:07:19That was in the days I smoked, and I'm afraid
0:07:19 > 0:07:22I was caught by a photographer in the buttresses of Windsor.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Buttresses?!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27In my big top hat and everything, smoking a cigarette.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Coming out the top of your hat.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31You can take your woolly hats off now, if you're getting hot.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- Shall I pop it under? - Or you can keep it on.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Let's see how Imogen's getting on, shall we?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Imogen, have you started your machine?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48There it is, and there's Tristan pedalling away.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51BRENDAN: Yes, indeed!
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- LAUGHTER - He's looking so shy now, I feel terrible.
0:07:54 > 0:07:59That is absolutely amazing, it is unravelling before our eyes.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Brilliant.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01APPLAUSE
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Wow.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I think they would have got it done ages ago
0:08:12 > 0:08:14if Tristan wasn't quite so relaxed.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Whoa-oh-oh - no, no!
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Jo Brand...
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Oh, the humanity!
0:08:27 > 0:08:30You deliberately spilled boiling water on his trousers
0:08:30 > 0:08:33so you can mop them down.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35You wicked, wicked woman!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38As soon as they go off screen, Imogen is going to beat him!
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Is Tristan wearing corduroys so the heat generated by the whiff-whiff...
0:08:43 > 0:08:45LAUGHTER
0:08:45 > 0:08:47..is powering the kettle?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51We've embarrassed the brother and sister team almost to death.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- Sorry, Imogen.- If he gets snagged up in that
0:08:53 > 0:08:56he might get unravelled himself.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58A full human being being unravelled.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03- I'm going to build one of those for next Christmas.- You should!
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Thank you very much, Imogen and Tristan.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Sorry about that, we'll let you replace it.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Let's go back to Her Maj.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Now the fact is, if you work for the Queen nowadays you all get
0:09:14 > 0:09:17the same present, instead of being able to choose from the catalogue.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19We've done a little montage of them.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Bottle of bubbly, silver plate.
0:09:21 > 0:09:252008 reflected the mood of financial restraint, which was coasters,
0:09:25 > 0:09:30and in 2012, Jubilee year, a special themed trinket box.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31You all get the same thing,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34monogrammed...cigar box or whatever it was.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36You can't expect the woman to go down
0:09:36 > 0:09:38the high street shopping, can you?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41No, especially not if she's in one of her cake frenzies.
0:09:43 > 0:09:48"CAKE! Cake! I want cake!"
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Have to pull her away from Greggs.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- Oh!- It takes three equerries.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Or are they eclairs, is that a cake? I dunno!
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Aaanyway. Which of these looks most like Jesus?
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- I'd say the toast has to be the best. - The toast is certainly...
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Well, we bow down, yes?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- Any other thoughts? - They look a bit westernised.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20As far as the Bible, he was a Jew obviously,
0:10:20 > 0:10:24and that on the right is what's known as a forensic reconstruction.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Is there any truth to...
0:10:26 > 0:10:29it could be a myth, but you can tell Jewish people
0:10:29 > 0:10:32because their ear lobes are higher than their nose?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Well, I'm Jewish, my mother's fully Jewish,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37so that makes me fully Jewish. Is my ear lobe higher than my nose?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39It's very hard to tell with your nose.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Well, as my grandfather used to say, and he was Jewish...
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- YIDDISH ACCENT:- "You know why we have big noses? Air is free!"
0:10:50 > 0:10:53How many specifically are we looking for?
0:10:53 > 0:10:57It's basically images of Jesus, it's extraordinary difficult
0:10:57 > 0:11:00to know, the Bible doesn't furnish us with any description of him.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03We just know he was a Jewish man who lived at a particular time.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07And that's the best that forensic people can do, given that's
0:11:07 > 0:11:09the sort of average...
0:11:09 > 0:11:16But one very Christmassy person we DO know more the features of,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19because unlike Jesus we have the skull - who is that?
0:11:19 > 0:11:20- Santa.- St Nicholas.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23St Nicholas, and what can you tell me about the real-life St Nicholas?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- There was about three of them.- Right.
0:11:26 > 0:11:32One was Roman, and he used to throw coins in the windows of poor people.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34One was Russian, I think.
0:11:34 > 0:11:39And he would collect fire wood and carve things out of it
0:11:39 > 0:11:41and leave them around the village for children.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45And then there's the most famous one of all, of course,
0:11:45 > 0:11:46the Coca-Cola Santa.
0:11:48 > 0:11:53Well, the canonical St Nicholas was actually from Lycia
0:11:53 > 0:11:57- L-Y-C-I-A - which is actually part of Asia Minor, which is now...
0:11:57 > 0:11:58- Iran.- No.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Asia Minor is...Turkey.- Close.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03LAUGHTER
0:12:03 > 0:12:06That St Nicholas there, who was the bloke before then?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08The bloke before is the facial reconstruction on the
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- basis of the skull.- Right.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14He was a bishop, and the story is that he gave money to
0:12:14 > 0:12:17young girls, to daughters of people of his episcopacy...
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Did he work for the BBC?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21LAUGHTER
0:12:22 > 0:12:24APPLAUSE
0:12:27 > 0:12:31- He paid the parents of the girls in order to stop them...- I bet he did!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35..in order to stop them becoming prostitutes,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38and he is therefore the patron saint of prostitutes.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Hurrah!
0:12:40 > 0:12:45I'm pleased that there's a patron saint of tarts, I think it's good.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Did he have a hairdresser with OCD though?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Look at it.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55And also quite a thick, broken nose, which he could have got...
0:12:55 > 0:12:59people believe he fought with a heretic at Lycia.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01More likely did it coming down the chimney though.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08- Or being beaten up by the Emperor Diocletian.- What's his era?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Mid-fourth century, I think, AD.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13But when did Santa Claus become Santa Claus?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Well, the idea that he was the patron saint of children caught on
0:13:15 > 0:13:18and he became the patron saint of sailors, children and prostitutes.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21LAUGHTER
0:13:21 > 0:13:26- That's a good group, that's a good group.- It's a good portfolio.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Sailors and prostitutes is a very difficult combination!
0:13:30 > 0:13:34I just love the idea that he's the patron saint of prostitutes,
0:13:34 > 0:13:38and then a child goes, "I love you, Santa." "Shut up, baby, I know it!"
0:13:40 > 0:13:42"I never, ever kiss..."
0:13:44 > 0:13:46He's, he's, he's...
0:13:46 > 0:13:48He was, erm, by the Dutch...
0:13:48 > 0:13:50LAUGHTER
0:13:54 > 0:13:58The Dutch call him "Sinterklaas", but where does the modern depiction
0:13:58 > 0:14:02of Father Christmas with the red and white and the beard come from?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Ah, this is where I could get my first screen. Coca-Cola.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- Mmmm, you're not getting a klaxon... - Ugh.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13..because it was certainly reinforced by Coca-Cola in the 1930s,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16but there are plenty of images from the 1890s of Father Christmas in
0:14:16 > 0:14:19red and white with a white beard.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Santa rewards good little boys and girls,
0:14:21 > 0:14:23but what happens to the bad ones?
0:14:23 > 0:14:28There is a culture not far from us where they really go
0:14:28 > 0:14:32a long way towards celebrating this anti-Father Christmas.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Waterboarded.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41"I shall waterboard all the bad children."
0:14:42 > 0:14:45This is surprisingly close to waterboarding, what they do.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47PHILL LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:14:47 > 0:14:54- Snowboarding!- Snowboarding would be OK.- Do they not drown them?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57We're talking about Germany. No, they don't actually drown them!
0:14:57 > 0:15:01But their threats are pretty medieval.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03There he is. Does anybody know the name of this character?
0:15:03 > 0:15:09Several names, but...in German he's mostly known as "Krampus".
0:15:09 > 0:15:11I don't know who he is,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14but with a tongue like that he's not the patron saint of prostitutes.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18He's also known as "Schmutzli", and Santa gives good gifts to
0:15:18 > 0:15:23children, Krampus punishes naughty ones, include pulling hair.
0:15:24 > 0:15:29- It's not that bad, is it? - Swatting with chains.- Quite bad.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Pulling hair, swat with chains.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Leading naughty children off a cliff.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37He'd obviously have to be able to fly to be able to
0:15:37 > 0:15:39- get back and do it again.- I think I went to that school.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Putting them in a sack and taking them to his fiery lair,
0:15:43 > 0:15:46which sort of explains why German children are so well behaved.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50- You like fiery lairs? - That can be fun. Mammy used to say.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55- When is this practised? - Christmas Eve?- No.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00- Is it on their birthdays, for extra irony?- No, it's December the 5th.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03The 5th is when Schmutzli or Krampus...
0:16:03 > 0:16:05And there's the kind of figure he presents,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07and they terrify children.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11They run down with whips and threaten children and glare at them.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14It is a peculiar way to treat children at Christmas time,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17but I suppose it has produced a nation of extremely efficient
0:16:17 > 0:16:19and obedient citizens who now rule Europe, so...
0:16:19 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:22..maybe we've been missing something.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Now why is Santa off the Rich List?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28LAUGHTER
0:16:28 > 0:16:36- Aww. Poor Santa.- Cutbacks? Austerity drive?- Only works one day a year.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40He used to be on the Rich List until 2006.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Forbes Magazine famously invented the idea of a Rich List.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46MEN SING "O COME, ALL YE FAITHFUL"
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- Yes, young Brendan?- Is it because...
0:16:50 > 0:16:52(..he may not be real?)
0:16:52 > 0:16:54STEPHEN GASPS
0:16:54 > 0:16:55ALARM RINGS
0:16:57 > 0:16:58APPLAUSE
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Yes!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Thank you! Thank you.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Oh, poor Phill.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Phill, that got a klaxon, so that can't be right.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Don't worry, back you go.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27APPLAUSE
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Poor little soul.
0:17:31 > 0:17:36Forbes Magazine genuinely publishes a fictional Rich List,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39and Santa Claus used to be on it
0:17:39 > 0:17:41because they reckon he must be infinitely rich,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44because he is able to distribute presents every year to
0:17:44 > 0:17:46all the children of the world, they said.
0:17:46 > 0:17:52- I don't believe he does.- Richie Rich.- Scrooge, I guess, on the left.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- Father Christmas himself.- The late Bernard Manning on the right.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58LAUGHTER
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Can you name - I've got the top five -
0:18:00 > 0:18:02name any that you imagine might be on the list?
0:18:02 > 0:18:07- Real people or imaginary?- Fictional, that's the point.- Scrooge McDuck.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08No, but his great rival.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11If you can remember his name you'll get lots of points.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- Tony Stark out of- Iron Man. Yes, is number five, absolutely right!
0:18:15 > 0:18:18APPLAUSE
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Yes, 9.3 billion, apparently.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Number four's from a black and white TV show
0:18:23 > 0:18:26with a wonderful old banjo opening theme song.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Oh, the Beverly Hillbillies, so Jethro Clampett.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Jed Clampett, I'll give you the points for that.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36And they were worth 9.8 billion.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39So at number three, Carlisle Cullen from the Twilight Saga,
0:18:39 > 0:18:43is worth 36.3 billion, apparently.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Wow, dude.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48But number two is the enemy of Scrooge McDuck.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51BRENDAN MIMICS SCROOGE
0:18:51 > 0:18:56Good one. Flintheart Glomgold is his name.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Flintheart Glomgold?
0:18:59 > 0:19:03And number one, played by Benedict Cumberbatch,
0:19:03 > 0:19:08the richest fictional creature in the world, human or...
0:19:08 > 0:19:10They know in the audience.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Smaug! - Smaug.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18Smaug the dragon in The Hobbit, 62 billion worth of gold he
0:19:18 > 0:19:20sits upon, until of course - well, I'm not
0:19:20 > 0:19:23going to tell you the ending. Cos I happen to be in it.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25But why's Santa taken off? Cos surely he must
0:19:25 > 0:19:27be really rich to be able to give everyone a present.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- It's a very simple reason. - Tax evasion.- Not tax evasion!
0:19:32 > 0:19:33The usual answer.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38It's because it's a fictional list, and Santa is real.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41ALL: Awww!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43So there you go. Good result, Santa.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Let's see how Imogen's going.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55Oh, you've spooled it back up, he's turning slowly...
0:19:55 > 0:19:57BRENDAN: Oh, he's doing two tasks now.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01He's growing it back into a ball,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04it actually doesn't just unravel it, it balls it up as well!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06"Balls it up." Sorry.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07LAUGHTER
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Beautifully! Look at how cunning that little thing is.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- The little shuttley... - He's called Tristan, Steve.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22APPLAUSE
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Imogen, what do you call that unit that winds it up?
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Her brother.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34- Did you design the way that it moves like that?- The little tiny thing?
0:20:34 > 0:20:35- Yeah.- That's from eBay.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37LAUGHTER
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I think British industry in the future has nothing to fear.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48We're going to win over the world. Congratulations, we'll come back
0:20:48 > 0:20:51to you when that ball of wool is complete. That's brilliant.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Now, how can a Christmas tree get you into trouble?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Grass you up.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02- Very good.- Falling needles, and their disposal.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Drying out and the chances of fire.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Falling over and giving an elderly relative brain damage.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16We're talking about the once-beloved institution,
0:21:16 > 0:21:20the giant, magnificent cultural gift to the world that is the BBC.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Oh.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25And the BBC now, of course, is so open that you can literally
0:21:25 > 0:21:28look up everyone who works for it and see how much their salary is.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33In the old days they all had a personnel file, and there was
0:21:33 > 0:21:37a figure from another institution, far more sinister even than the BBC.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- Broadmoor.- Not Broadmoor!
0:21:41 > 0:21:42MI5 is the right answer,
0:21:42 > 0:21:45and if they thought anyone who worked for the BBC was...
0:21:45 > 0:21:50- Gay.- Communist.- ..dodgy...- They would ask them to join immediately!
0:21:53 > 0:21:57There would be a symbol put onto their personnel file which
0:21:57 > 0:22:00resembled a Christmas tree.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04- Like that.- Oh.- Oh, no(!)
0:22:04 > 0:22:07The reason people thought it might be a Christmas tree was...
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Do you know what the German for Christmas tree is?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- "Tannenbaum."- Do you know the tune of the song?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15# O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum... #
0:22:15 > 0:22:18SHE SPEAKS GIBBERISH
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Exactly. Which is also the tune to?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25# Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer
0:22:25 > 0:22:28# We'll keep the red flag flying here. #
0:22:28 > 0:22:30The Red Flag.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35- "Power to the people!"- Can I just do my version of the Red Flag?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38# Neil Kinnock's hair is deepest red
0:22:38 > 0:22:41# Though most of it's not on his head. #
0:22:44 > 0:22:45APPLAUSE
0:22:49 > 0:22:54It isn't actually the reason that it's the Tannenbaum, Red Flag.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57People thought it looked like a Christmas tree,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59called it the Christmas tree,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02but the two arrows actually just mean "Refer upstairs".
0:23:02 > 0:23:04So if anyone was thought to...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06For promotion, you saw their personnel file,
0:23:06 > 0:23:10you'd have to go up to a senior person and say...
0:23:10 > 0:23:15- I'm up for promotion.- Anna Ford had one of those on her, the newsreader.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19It was because she'd once had as a boyfriend a Communist,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21which, Jesus, in a free society...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23And they allowed her on the television?
0:23:23 > 0:23:24I know. There you go.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27The BBC used Christmas trees to keep lefties off the telly.
0:23:27 > 0:23:32The practice stopped in 1985 and, sure enough, they're everywhere!
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Now, historic moment.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36BAAS LIKE COLONEL MELCHETT
0:23:38 > 0:23:43- What's Baldrick brought for me this Christmas?- Right, bought for you...
0:23:43 > 0:23:47- Melchett? Are we Melching? - Well, it's for me.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- It's for you. - And who is that there on the screen?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Tony Robinson.- Tony Robinson.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56And there is a Tony Robinson, Baldrick, who's about to come on.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58But in the First World War, as you probably know
0:23:58 > 0:24:02and we've covered before, there was a Christmas football truce.
0:24:03 > 0:24:10But what happened later, in 1915, was that, because football had been
0:24:10 > 0:24:14banned on Christmas Day, a soldier smuggled into the trench a football.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17It was deflated, so that no-one would spot it,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20and then he blew it up before the Battle of Loos.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22And in the morning,
0:24:22 > 0:24:25when the whistle blew to commence the offensive,
0:24:25 > 0:24:27he threw it out of the trench, shouting,
0:24:27 > 0:24:32"Play up, London Irish!", cos he was from the London Irish regiment,
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- which I'm sure you'll be aware of. - I am. Great regiment.
0:24:35 > 0:24:40And they found the football when they got to the German trench,
0:24:40 > 0:24:42they kept it, and it
0:24:42 > 0:24:45so happens that a member of that London Irish happens to be
0:24:45 > 0:24:48called Tony Robinson, is therefore always called
0:24:48 > 0:24:54Baldrick by his fellow...and he has brought that football along today.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55APPLAUSE
0:25:00 > 0:25:01SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Do your flies up, man.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Oh, Christmas came early for Stephen!
0:25:15 > 0:25:20Darling, take that man's name. And address.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- This really is, Tony, the football. - It is, indeed, it's the football.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25And where is it kept?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27It's kept in the museum, which is now down in Camberwell,
0:25:27 > 0:25:29at the London Irish Rifles.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Is it the London Irish Regiment or the London Regiment?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34We're D Company London Irish Rifles of the London Regiment.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Right, D Company.
0:25:36 > 0:25:41And it's still an active regiment in the British Army, and we have
0:25:41 > 0:25:43some of your fellow soldiers over here,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45if you'd like to stand up. Here they are.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47APPLAUSE
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Fabulous to see you guys.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58They are all recently back from Helmand Province in Afghanistan
0:25:58 > 0:25:59and they're wearing combat uniform,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02but what's most noticeable is the, how do you say it, caubeen?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Which you must NOT call a beret, I believe.
0:26:05 > 0:26:10And can any of you tell me what is distinctive about that particular
0:26:10 > 0:26:15piece of head joy, I shall call it, as opposed to other British...?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- Pain in the arse in the cinema. - Well, yes.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20But this is different from other headwear.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24The people behind those lads are, like, "Oh, now they've stood up.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27"It was bad enough with the funny hat."
0:26:27 > 0:26:32- PHILL:- "Tell 'em. Tell 'em." "I'm not going to..."
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Are they worn on the opposite side to the others?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36It's the only one with the cap badge on the right.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40- This is a very historic year for Irish soldiers.- Tell me why.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Well, last May, all Irish soldiers who deserted the Irish...
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- Oh, yes, have been... - I haven't finished!- Sorry!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I'm so sorry, carry on.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00All soldiers who deserted the Irish Army in both the First World War
0:27:00 > 0:27:03and Second World War periods and joined the British Army
0:27:03 > 0:27:06to fight for the British Army were granted a pardon.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09- That is extraordinary, isn't it? - It's too late now, they're dead.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Almost all of them are dead, but it was true,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14that if you were Irish and anti-Fascist, say,
0:27:14 > 0:27:17and you wanted to fight for the Allies against Germany,
0:27:17 > 0:27:18and so joined the British Army,
0:27:18 > 0:27:22it was considered by the Irish Government that you were a traitor.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25You got no pension, you couldn't work for the Government.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- You could barely go home.- Yeah.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28There was a great cartoon,
0:27:28 > 0:27:31and it was two Irish guys fighting for the British Army,
0:27:31 > 0:27:33in the trenches,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35and de Valera was the President of Ireland at the time,
0:27:35 > 0:27:38and the two boys were there, ducking the bullets, and one said,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40"Well, fair play to de Valera, he kept us out of this."
0:27:41 > 0:27:42That's very good.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46So thank you very much and please sit down, members of D Company.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Thank you so much.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- Anyway, Baldrick.- Sir.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55I've never seen you looking better.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59Yet, you're still an absolute disaster of a human being.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Thank you so much for bringing me lunch.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05- I'm not very hungry, you can take it away.- Thank you, sir.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Thank you very much indeed. Wonderful.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12Tony Robinson.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19So, yep, that football you've just seen was kicked right across
0:28:19 > 0:28:22No-Man's Land by Rifleman Frank Edwards and the London Irish
0:28:22 > 0:28:26in 1915 and our thanks to Rifleman Tony "Baldrick" Robinson.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28So it's time for a Christmas drink, I think.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32So take a glass, each of you. There you go.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35And all I want to know from you
0:28:35 > 0:28:38is which ones you should use at Christmas.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41You've got a drink, you can pour out your drink.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43- HISSING - Holy moly...
0:28:43 > 0:28:46It's not about the capacity, it's about the shape.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50Can I just say, as an ex-nurse, that looks like someone with cystitis.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Darling, have you got...?
0:28:55 > 0:28:59I think whereas I have had one Berocca too many.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Suspiciously like Irn-Bru, actually, the colour, isn't it? Maybe...
0:29:04 > 0:29:07- Oh, it's like piss.- Oh, right.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10The issue is an Oxford psychologist who assists Heston Blumenthal,
0:29:10 > 0:29:11- in fact...- Oh-oh.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14..has studied extensively the effect
0:29:14 > 0:29:18of one of our sense organs on food and drink.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20It's not the tongue. What do you think it is?
0:29:20 > 0:29:24- It's the feel, the feel.- No, not the feel.- Eyes.- The eyes.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26So much more of our mental processes...
0:29:26 > 0:29:28- We eat 80% with our eyes. - Exactly, goes with our eyes.
0:29:28 > 0:29:32And he has discovered remarkable things by observing people
0:29:32 > 0:29:34who don't know they're being watched,
0:29:34 > 0:29:38is that you drink more quickly out of a curved glass,
0:29:38 > 0:29:40cos you're not aware of how much there is.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42And also you drink more quickly with loud music playing.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45And you drink more quickly if you're an alcoholic.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47- And if you're an alcoholic. - LAUGHTER
0:29:47 > 0:29:50You don't care what shape the glass is. You drink from the bottle.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53I find you drink much more quickly if you've had three drinks already.
0:29:53 > 0:29:54LAUGHTER
0:29:54 > 0:29:57But there are also many other extraordinary things about colour
0:29:57 > 0:30:01and sight which influence food which are quite startling
0:30:01 > 0:30:03which this same professor has discovered,
0:30:03 > 0:30:06whose name is Charles Spence.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Erm, the colour of a plate can affect the taste of food.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11So, if you, for example, have a
0:30:11 > 0:30:14strawberry mousse served on a white plate, it tastes more
0:30:14 > 0:30:18flavourful and sweeter than the same thing on a black plate.
0:30:18 > 0:30:19Nearly everything does.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21A chef prefers to serve on a white plate
0:30:21 > 0:30:23because it hails what you're going to taste.
0:30:23 > 0:30:24It somehow does, exactly.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27The restaurants have all got a bit weird lately.
0:30:27 > 0:30:33- I've had fruit served to me on planks...- Oh, yes.- On slate.
0:30:33 > 0:30:37- Slates and planks.- Please, wash the bird shit off it first.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39LAUGHTER
0:30:39 > 0:30:41That was the sauce.
0:30:41 > 0:30:42LAUGHTER
0:30:42 > 0:30:45It was Heston Blumenthal...a little squeeze of sparrow.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48LAUGHTER
0:30:48 > 0:30:49Blowtorch...
0:30:49 > 0:30:51I always put my mayonnaise through a pigeon before I...
0:30:51 > 0:30:54In the Jamie Oliver ones, they hang them on the wall
0:30:54 > 0:30:56and offer them for sale afterwards.
0:30:56 > 0:30:57- The pigeons?- No, the planks.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59LAUGHTER
0:30:59 > 0:31:03I think that's crap about stuff tasting worse off black plates.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07- It isn't.- I think it's racist towards plates.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09LAUGHTER
0:31:09 > 0:31:11Let's have a taste challenge.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14We will move on now, but there are various other things,
0:31:14 > 0:31:17for example, it is as you rightly said cortical real estate
0:31:17 > 0:31:21- taken up by visual is much, much more.- Did I say that?
0:31:21 > 0:31:24Well, you didn't say it quite like that.
0:31:24 > 0:31:25LAUGHTER
0:31:25 > 0:31:29Wine doesn't taste as nice in a mug.
0:31:29 > 0:31:30Wine, no, that's very true
0:31:30 > 0:31:32and I think tea doesn't taste good out of a...
0:31:32 > 0:31:34That's cos of the amount of air you take in.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Yes, that's probably true, isn't it?
0:31:36 > 0:31:38- No, it IS true, Stephen.- Yes, no...
0:31:38 > 0:31:41LAUGHTER
0:31:41 > 0:31:43APPLAUSE
0:31:46 > 0:31:48It's the thinness of the glass.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51It's the amount of air you're taking as you sip.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53If you like tea, just make one cup in a glass
0:31:53 > 0:31:57and try the tea out of the glass. It is divine.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59My wife likes a thin mug.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02Well, that's your own business but I'm just saying...
0:32:02 > 0:32:05LAUGHTER
0:32:09 > 0:32:13LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:32:17 > 0:32:20Who thought that Fry and Carroll would be a double act?!
0:32:20 > 0:32:21LAUGHTER
0:32:21 > 0:32:24That's why when they taste the wine they go...
0:32:24 > 0:32:25HE BREATHES THROUGH HIS TEETH
0:32:25 > 0:32:27- Yeah, that's right. - To maximise the air that gets in.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29OPERATIC VOICE SINGS FAINTLY
0:32:29 > 0:32:30- Is that your phone?- Yes.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:37 > 0:32:39It's Heston Blumenthal.
0:32:39 > 0:32:40LAUGHTER
0:32:40 > 0:32:43- Minus how many points, I'm wondering.- I'm so sorry.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46I didn't even know I had it on me.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48I'm very sorry.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51Anyway, now, let's test your beer goggles, as it were.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53We have a man in the audience who's going to hold up a picture
0:32:53 > 0:32:56and I want you to tell me who's that of.
0:32:56 > 0:32:57- Marilyn Monroe. - Marilyn Monroe, yeah.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00You can see the picture behind it there, Marilyn Monroe.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03Now, it's Sam. Sam, walk towards us, if you'd be kind enough.
0:33:03 > 0:33:08I don't think... I think it's supposed to look like her but I'm suspicious.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Albert Einstein.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12- Albert Einstein.- Holy crap!
0:33:12 > 0:33:16- It is rather extraordinary, it's both.- They're related.- No.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18LAUGHTER
0:33:18 > 0:33:21Never in the same room, Brendan.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23They would be, would you...
0:33:23 > 0:33:27I think Marilyn Monroe did have quite a bad facial hair problem.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29LAUGHTER
0:33:29 > 0:33:32From a distance, the image does look like Marilyn Monroe because
0:33:32 > 0:33:36what they do is...it's created by the MIT, this illusion,
0:33:36 > 0:33:39the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, as I'm sure you know.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42- Thank you.- They remove Marilyn's fine-grained features
0:33:42 > 0:33:44like wrinkles and little blemishes
0:33:44 > 0:33:47and they remove Einstein's coarser features,
0:33:47 > 0:33:50like the shape of his mouth and nose and then they superimpose the two.
0:33:50 > 0:33:54And from a distance we see all the broader strokes and see her,
0:33:54 > 0:33:59Marilyn Monroe, and close up, we see the fine details of Albert Einstein.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01And we've done another version to show this really does work,
0:34:01 > 0:34:05it's not just Marilyn. Erm, who's that?
0:34:05 > 0:34:09- Handsome man...that's Stephen Fry, I know him well.- That's me, hooray.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12And if you come towards us, hello...
0:34:15 > 0:34:18It's Alan Davies.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20APPLAUSE
0:34:20 > 0:34:21How about that?
0:34:27 > 0:34:29That's fantastic, an extraordinary illusion.
0:34:29 > 0:34:33- I hope they've done two, so we can have one each in our bedrooms. - Yeah, I want one in my house.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35What distance do you want it, though?
0:34:35 > 0:34:38I want to be far away from it.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40LAUGHTER
0:34:40 > 0:34:43Toss you for it, erm...
0:34:43 > 0:34:45LAUGHTER
0:34:46 > 0:34:48Thank you very much indeed.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52APPLAUSE
0:34:55 > 0:34:57And thank you, Albert and Marilyn.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00So, the take home message tonight is don't trust your eyes,
0:35:00 > 0:35:01even when you're sober.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03In fact, you probably shouldn't really trust anything,
0:35:03 > 0:35:06because we've come to that bit we call general ignorance.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09Fingers on buzzers for very quick ones. What year was Jesus born?
0:35:09 > 0:35:10CHOIR SINGS
0:35:10 > 0:35:14- Yes, Brendan.- 5 BC.- Oooh, it's not the right answer.
0:35:14 > 0:35:18- Damn close, though. - Four.- No.- Three.- No...
0:35:18 > 0:35:19LAUGHTER
0:35:19 > 0:35:21- Two.- No.
0:35:21 > 0:35:25- Other direction, eight. - Six.- Yes.- Ah, come on.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27He was born six years before Christ.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30- Well done, Jesus.- How crazy is that?
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Now, how do we know?
0:35:32 > 0:35:33Somebody told us.
0:35:33 > 0:35:34LAUGHTER
0:35:34 > 0:35:37It's the only authority we could possibly have.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40- There's a book about him, come on. - It doesn't give the date, though.
0:35:40 > 0:35:41Doesn't it?
0:35:41 > 0:35:44It's been worked out by the only man we've ever been able to call,
0:35:44 > 0:35:47certainly for over 1,000 years, I think, Pope Emeritus.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50Who's he? Emeritus, what does Emeritus mean?
0:35:50 > 0:35:53- An ex-Pope.- An ex-Pope. Is there an ex-Pope in the world?
0:35:53 > 0:35:56- We've got one now. - We have, Benedict.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58They call him Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI.
0:35:59 > 0:36:03His Holiness wrote a book with the catchy title
0:36:03 > 0:36:07Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11And the calculation made by Dionysius Exiguous, which is
0:36:11 > 0:36:15- basically Latin for Dennis The Small... - LAUGHTER
0:36:15 > 0:36:17This modern dating system is based...was wrong by several years,
0:36:17 > 0:36:19he says, and so he puts the date at 6 BC,
0:36:19 > 0:36:21which you eventually got to, Alan,
0:36:21 > 0:36:26in your usual method. What was the year before 1 AD?
0:36:27 > 0:36:29- Yes, Jo.- Nought.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32Ohhhh! Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:36:32 > 0:36:36No. Hooray! Yes, well done. Touch of pride.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38APPLAUSE
0:36:38 > 0:36:43- 1 BC is the right answer. - Oh, I was going to say that!
0:36:43 > 0:36:49Well... It went from December 31st 1 BC to 1st January 1 AD.
0:36:49 > 0:36:53The BC-AD scheme doesn't have a zero. Anyway, here's an easy one.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56Is zero an odd number or an even number?
0:36:56 > 0:36:58It's not a number.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00- No, it is a number.- I give up.- No...
0:37:00 > 0:37:03LAUGHTER
0:37:06 > 0:37:11- So it is one of them. - Hang on. It's even.- Yes!
0:37:11 > 0:37:13- Oh!- Is it?
0:37:15 > 0:37:18By the criteria by which you judge an even number, it is even.
0:37:18 > 0:37:23An even number is divisible by two without leaving a remainder.
0:37:23 > 0:37:24Well, nought over two is nought.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26There's no remainder.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29Or it's a number that ends in 0, 2, 4, 6 or 8.
0:37:29 > 0:37:310 obviously ends in 0 cos it is 0.
0:37:31 > 0:37:35Also, it has either side of it -1 and 1, which are both odd numbers.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38Our maths elf at QI thinks this is the easiest question that's
0:37:38 > 0:37:40ever been asked on QI.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43Yeah, yeah! Take away my glory now. I got my points.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45The easiest question that's ever been asked.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48- But he is a maths elf.- Yeah. The sun isn't there.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50I had that about 40 years ago.
0:37:50 > 0:37:55I'm looking at it and it's not there, but this is easier.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57- No, I know maths people are odd. - I hate this show!
0:37:57 > 0:37:59LAUGHTER
0:37:59 > 0:38:01I'm so sorry, Phill.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03You feel bad - I got it wrong!
0:38:03 > 0:38:04STEPHEN LAUGHS
0:38:04 > 0:38:06That's true, where does that put you?
0:38:06 > 0:38:09Now, who wants to see one of my knick-knacks?
0:38:09 > 0:38:11- My first knick-knack is for you to do.- Ohh!
0:38:11 > 0:38:14I want you to create some extraordinary, magical,
0:38:14 > 0:38:18Christmassy things using the power of chemistry alone.
0:38:18 > 0:38:22- Chemistry, let's not forget, means magic.- Ooh!- Ohh!
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Al-kimia, the magic. So, you should have...
0:38:24 > 0:38:28- Stephen, are we going to make a seasonal meth lab?- Maybe.
0:38:28 > 0:38:29LAUGHTER
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Take out your little chemistry lab.
0:38:31 > 0:38:34You have to put on your gloves, I'm afraid, for health and safety reasons.
0:38:34 > 0:38:35Oooh, the gloves are...
0:38:35 > 0:38:39- While you're doing yours... Yours takes a bit of time. - What are we doing?
0:38:39 > 0:38:44- You pour the contents of your smaller into the larger. - A-ha, the usual!
0:38:44 > 0:38:46Yeah. What it is, is there's...
0:38:46 > 0:38:49- Get it straight, we're providing a sample.- No!
0:38:51 > 0:38:54That should turn brown. Put the lid on.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57Just swirl, gently sort of twist
0:38:57 > 0:38:58and swirl.
0:38:58 > 0:39:03You need to do that for about two minutes. Not too violently.
0:39:03 > 0:39:04I've done this before.
0:39:04 > 0:39:09While you're doing that, I'll just do my demonstration of dry ice,
0:39:09 > 0:39:12which as we know makes a marvellous reaction with water.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15What are the chances of us being busted by the Feds
0:39:15 > 0:39:16while we're doing this?
0:39:16 > 0:39:19- I've got this.- Fry's crack house!- Look at this.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22- I've got this.- Ohhh!
0:39:22 > 0:39:24Christmas party!
0:39:24 > 0:39:25I'll have some of that.
0:39:25 > 0:39:29OK, there'll be quite violent action to this, as I'm sure you've
0:39:29 > 0:39:31all seen - dry ice, as they call it, going into...
0:39:31 > 0:39:33I've got here... This is a sort of bubble.
0:39:33 > 0:39:37Like blowing bubbles. What we are trying to do is make little smoky bubbles.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39That sort of Christmassy effect.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42- God, I hope I can get the lid on in time.- Oh! Wooo-hooo-hoooo!
0:39:42 > 0:39:46WHOOPING
0:39:46 > 0:39:48Whoa! Hey, yay, whoa!
0:39:48 > 0:39:51What are you doing, Fry?! Get the lid on!
0:39:51 > 0:39:54- Go, go!- Get the lid on!
0:39:54 > 0:39:55APPLAUSE
0:39:55 > 0:39:58Lid is on, lid is on! Lid is on.
0:39:58 > 0:39:59It's going everywhere!
0:40:01 > 0:40:04Bubbles! Here's my little bubbles.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08- Oh, oh!- There's one, look! Big one. Pop it! Ping!
0:40:08 > 0:40:10Whooo! Aw!
0:40:10 > 0:40:12- Bubble... Smoky bubble!- Ohhhh!
0:40:12 > 0:40:15- Ohhh!- Smoky bubble!
0:40:15 > 0:40:18APPLAUSE
0:40:18 > 0:40:20There we are.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24- I've gone completely reflective. - Ohh?!
0:40:24 > 0:40:28- There you are, look at you, you've made a bauble.- Look at that!
0:40:28 > 0:40:33You've made a bauble, because your little experiment, invented by Mr Torrance, is...
0:40:33 > 0:40:38One of the things he used was silver nitrate, the same thing used in film photography.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40- That is silver.- Wow!
0:40:40 > 0:40:43That's a beautiful silver bauble you've made just by mixing
0:40:43 > 0:40:45- those two chemicals.- Can I just say, I've just seen myself.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47I didn't realise that I looked like
0:40:47 > 0:40:50Last Christmas by WeightWatchers Wham!
0:40:50 > 0:40:53LAUGHTER
0:40:53 > 0:40:56- It's hideous.- It is very beautiful, isn't it?- Gorgeous.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58They used to use exactly that for lining
0:40:58 > 0:41:00the inside of thermos flasks.
0:41:00 > 0:41:04- You know how they're silvered on the inside?- It's lovely.- And mirrors.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07There it is, you've made your own little home-made silver ball.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10And I've finished my little bubbles. And there we are.
0:41:10 > 0:41:11BRENDAN: Cool, man.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13So - there's only one last thing to check and that...
0:41:13 > 0:41:17Has anyone got any worries?
0:41:19 > 0:41:22Just one last thing to check, what happened to Alan's grand scarf?
0:41:22 > 0:41:24Imogen. What do you have for us?
0:41:24 > 0:41:27There is it! Literally.
0:41:27 > 0:41:31APPLAUSE
0:41:33 > 0:41:35Thanks very much(!)
0:41:37 > 0:41:41Brilliant invention. I hope they gave you First Class with Honours.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43They didn't.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:41:48 > 0:41:51Well!
0:41:53 > 0:41:58For the New Year show, I want to see what the one who got a First made.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01- Meanwhile, thank you, Imogen. - Thank you.
0:42:01 > 0:42:05APPLAUSE
0:42:05 > 0:42:08The one who got a first probably made a scarf.
0:42:11 > 0:42:13You're absolutely right.
0:42:13 > 0:42:15That brings us to the little,
0:42:15 > 0:42:18not inconsequential matter of the Christmas scores.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20And they are very interesting.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23I'm afraid, in last place, though it is his first appearance,
0:42:23 > 0:42:27unfortunately his phone went off, which may have cost him some points...
0:42:27 > 0:42:32In last place, with a very credible -19, it's Brendan O'Carroll!
0:42:32 > 0:42:36APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:40 > 0:42:44In third, with -9, Jo Brand.
0:42:44 > 0:42:46APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:46 > 0:42:48Fat WeightWatchers.
0:42:50 > 0:42:54In Santa's second place, with -6, Alan Davies!
0:42:54 > 0:42:58APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:00 > 0:43:04But our big Father Christmassy winner, with plus 3,
0:43:04 > 0:43:06it's Phill Jupitus.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:14 > 0:43:17So that's it from Brendan, Phill, Jo, Alan and me.
0:43:17 > 0:43:21Merry Christmas to you all everywhere. Bye-bye.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23APPLAUSE AND CHEERING