0:00:24 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:35good evening and welcome to QI.
0:00:35 > 0:00:40Tonight, we'll be covering a kaleidoscope of K topics.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43My co-pilots on this kamikaze caper are: the keen-eyed Sandi Toksvig!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51The kick-arse Liza Tarbuck!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58The knee-high Susan Calman!
0:01:03 > 0:01:07And the knave very voluble Alan Davies.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And the buzzers today are kaleidoscopically colourful.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Sandi goes:
0:01:13 > 0:01:20# Yellow is the colour of my true love's hair... #
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Liza goes:
0:01:21 > 0:01:26# Green is the colour of the sparklin' corn... #
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Susan goes:
0:01:27 > 0:01:33# Blue is the colour of the sky... #
0:01:33 > 0:01:34And Alan goes:
0:01:34 > 0:01:39# We'll drink a drink a drink to Lily the Pink the Pink the Pink
0:01:39 > 0:01:42# The saviour of the human race... #
0:01:42 > 0:01:43AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
0:01:43 > 0:01:47It's like an old people's home!
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Join in. You can have your cocoa in a minute!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- Yes.- It's only for an hour!
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Old people's home? It's like a Nazi rally.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04That was how they used to warm up at Nuremberg.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Now we had better get on with our erste Frage,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09the first question, which is about your kin.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Your kin and kindred.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Do you know what your relatives smell like?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15My grandmother used to smell of Lily of the Valley.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Nobody smells of Lily of the Valley any more.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18That was very common.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Grandmothers don't smell the same at all now, do they?
0:02:21 > 0:02:26- They used to smell faintly of mints. - And Amontillado sherry.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- Oh, yes. Just the one. - Just the one, dear.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Baileys. That's what my gran smelled of.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36Baileys, round the inside of the glass with her finger.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Oh, my goodness! Desperate.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41There used to be a perfume called Tramp.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Yes, there was!- Tramp.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45And the advert for Tramp
0:02:45 > 0:02:48was a young lady who knows what she wants,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51and that's to be called a Tramp, apparently, in the 1970s.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56And she wanders through a market and all these guys are like "Hey,"
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- and she's like "I'm a Tramp."- It was a famous nightclub in Jermyn Street.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Tramp or Charlie.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Charlie! I can remember Benny Hill
0:03:03 > 0:03:06doing a monologue about going to one of those King's Road...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08"It was a den of ini-quiety."
0:03:08 > 0:03:10He said, "It was full of kinky boots and underwear."
0:03:10 > 0:03:13He said "I could smell her Charlie across the room."
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I mean, it was her perfume.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Just so wrong.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Men used to smell of Old Spice, didn't they?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- Dads smelled of Old Spice.- And Brut.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Brut, yes.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Paul Abbott once wrote a line in something I did for him
0:03:29 > 0:03:34which said, as our characters went into my parents' house,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37the last line was, "Don't say anything about the smell,"
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- which was really fascinating. - It makes you think of it.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45Absolutely. It was that line of genius that he's very good at.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48That is very good, isn't it? Well, in fact...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I'd know the smell of my children anywhere.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- My own children. - That's an interesting point.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55It seems that a lot of members of the animal kingdom do,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- for very good reasons. - I was sat on quite a lot...
0:03:58 > 0:03:59So it would ring a bell.
0:03:59 > 0:04:05..by an older brother in order to incapacitate me during disputes.
0:04:05 > 0:04:10- Very beautifully put.- And there was a certain aroma that I think...
0:04:10 > 0:04:13How powerful the olfactory memory can be.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- It is the most powerful. - If he sat on me today...
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- You'd know! - I'd be thrown back to 1973.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Well, you're absolutely right.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Can you think of an evolutionary or ecological reason
0:04:25 > 0:04:27why you might need...
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Well, you would not want to mate with your cousin.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34You wouldn't want to shag your own close relatives.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37So you'd want to know what your relatives smelled like so that you...
0:04:37 > 0:04:40This sounds like all shagging takes place in the dark, but...
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I mean, for example, most mammals don't raise their young
0:04:44 > 0:04:45the way we do with long, long bonding,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48so you recognise your mother and say, "I must not shag my mother."
0:04:48 > 0:04:52But in other mammals, they might not see their father, for example.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55The mouse lemur, which is one of the cutest little things,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58the Madagascan mouse lemur, is reared exclusively by its mother.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02But it can recognise its father's smell and avoid shagging him.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05And butterflies have incredibly keen senses of smell.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07They can smell mates from a huge distance away.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10But if they're inbred, they have fewer sex pheromones.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Don't they say that as well,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14when you're getting together with somebody,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17that part of the reason that you get on well
0:05:17 > 0:05:19is that you enjoy each other's smells?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- It seems so. - And it can keep you together.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26I don't know about women, but men have no sense of smell who are...
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Do you remember the word?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31- Wordsworth was this, has no sense of smell.- No.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Anosmic. Anosmic.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35You can't taste any food or anything.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37You wouldn't be able to taste food.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40But men who have no sense of smell get less...fewer sexual partners.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44I thought you were going to say takeaways!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46"I'll just have toast again."
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Erm, Dr Johnson, somebody once said to him, "You smell."
0:05:53 > 0:05:54And he said, "No, I do not.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56"I stink."
0:05:58 > 0:05:59There you are.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Nature has its reasons for producing smelly rellies.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07Just... Some ways of blackmailing your parents.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Oh, yes.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Emotional blackmail, I would have thought.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13My children can blackmail me at any time
0:06:13 > 0:06:16by threatening to join a team sport.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18I give them anything they want, anything,
0:06:18 > 0:06:22- as long as I don't have to go and watch them perform in some sporting event.- Really?
0:06:22 > 0:06:26- Can't be doing with it.- You're right, that is the well-known way children blackmail their parents,
0:06:26 > 0:06:32by pester power and if you don't... "I'll never speak to you again" and such things,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34but in the animal kingdom can that exist?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- Do you know of any... - Some kind of emotional blackmail?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Yeah, there's a particular species of bird,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42the pied babbler, whose young
0:06:42 > 0:06:46actually leave the nest and threaten to throw themselves off until their parents
0:06:46 > 0:06:49come back and feed them, push them back in the nest, feed them more.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Suicidal birds?!
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Kind of, pretendingly so.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Feed me or I'll jump! Can't fly.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- Oh!- Bye, then.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Darling, darling, let me give you some more food.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- It's very sophisticated. - It is sophisticated.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05But why don't the adults remember that that's what they were doing?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07That's the problem, you never remember.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Oh, he's gone over the edge again. He was bluffing, he was bluffing.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I used to do that when I was younger, I'm not falling for it.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- You don't remember what you did as a baby.- That's true, you don't.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19That's another thing, you notice the beaks,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22have you ever seen a very particular kind of beak that is in young birds?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24A koha bird has the most remarkable beak,
0:07:24 > 0:07:27which basically represents a face.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Oh, my God.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31But weirdly not even a bird face, it looks more like a human face.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- Doesn't it?- That is basically saying,
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- "Put the food here."- Wow.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37It's like those things they had for men to aim at
0:07:37 > 0:07:38- in the urinal, isn't it?- Yes!
0:07:38 > 0:07:41It looks like Alan Carr.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I'm half closing my eyes now. Yes, it does.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- It does look a bit like him. - That's remarkable, isn't it?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51It is extraordinary.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54So there's a little man in there, and he wants some food as well.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00The whole intestinal tract. And then as it gets older it fades.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- Just extraordinary. - That's brilliant.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04What are we looking at here?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- A bird.- More birds.- Yes. - Is it a cuckoo?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09The cuckoo's gone in the nest.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10What do most cuckoos do?
0:08:10 > 0:08:14They throw the eggs out of the nest, of another species.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Oddly enough, that's not most.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20It's 50 odd of a species of which there are 136.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Only about 50 odd do it, the other 80 don't.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24It's enough to cause talk, though.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29It is, but a minority of cuckoo species are cuckoos in the nest.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31They're giving the rest of them a bad name.
0:08:31 > 0:08:36Nice cuckoos have got to do so much work to make up for the reputation.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40So, birds blackmail their parents, just like people do.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Why did the spider go to the bathroom?
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Ooh.
0:08:44 > 0:08:49- They don't come up the plughole, they fall in.- Correct.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Fall in and they can't get out.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53But why do they go there, are they thirsty?
0:08:53 > 0:08:58- Well, they're house spiders, so they live in a...- House.
0:08:58 > 0:09:04- I've got the hang of this show. - I still feel there's a trick coming.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07They're usually hidden nicely in the wainscoting.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09They can last a long time without food,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- but one thing they can't do without...- Is a drink.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Now, just put your own considerations apart!
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Are they voyeurs? Do they like watching people in the bathroom?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22"Here they come!"
0:09:22 > 0:09:27That's why they're called spider. "I spied her!"
0:09:27 > 0:09:30As I say, they can do without food and they can do without drink,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32but they can't do without...?
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Washing.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- Exercise.- Well, kind of. It's sex.
0:09:39 > 0:09:44The male spider, come autumn, has got to get his rocks off.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46This is where they lose their inhibitions.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48That's when you'll see them in bathrooms and so on.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51They don't really stand out. On carpets, you might miss them,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54but in bathrooms, against the white, they're unmistakable.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56But what happens if they don't have sex? Do they explode?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01It's a primary imperative amongst a lot of animals.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03They have an eight-finger shuffle.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Essentially, when I see these spiders
0:10:14 > 0:10:18running around my house in the autumn, they're just really horny?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Yes. The male's looking for a female.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23That makes it worse.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26I've come round to spiders,
0:10:26 > 0:10:30because they eat about 2,000 bugs a year,
0:10:30 > 0:10:34and that's 2,000 less of those in your house and just one spider.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- Completely.- Or two, because they've got to have sex.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41I pulled a curtain once when I was still in bed,
0:10:41 > 0:10:45and you know the dread thing of seeing that above you?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48And for the length it took for it to drop,
0:10:48 > 0:10:50I was up over my boyfriend
0:10:50 > 0:10:53and at the end of the room before it dropped.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55It's the quickest I've ever moved in my life.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59That would be a very good Olympic sport, spider drop.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02The height of the spider
0:11:02 > 0:11:05and then the distance you're going to travel, some calculation,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07degree of difficulty.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10That's a garden spider web, isn't it?
0:11:10 > 0:11:14But in houses, you get cobwebs, which are messy and asymmetrical.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Film companies have spray cobwebs,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18which is the most glorious thing.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21I'm sure you've done it in Jonathan Ross. This is magical stuff.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22You can presumably buy it online,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25but it's so great for Halloween parties. I recommend it.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Did you just say Jonathan Ross?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32I didn't even notice! Sorry. I meant Graham Creek!
0:11:32 > 0:11:36I like the idea of Alan having had a brief career as Jonathan Ross.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Maybe it's like Doctor Who, everyone gets a shot at being Jonathan Ross.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44You were the sixth Jonathan Ross.
0:11:44 > 0:11:49I've had a long enough career to regenerate.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Spiders, I think, can't see very well.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54So you would have been as much a surprise to the spider.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59I don't think they drop on you on purpose.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01They don't see you and think, "Ooh, I'll have a go."
0:12:01 > 0:12:06"It's Liza Tarbuck! Liza Tarbuck!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09"I'm going to get an autograph.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13"Wahey! Oh, she's gone!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16"I used to like you!
0:12:18 > 0:12:19"Liza!"
0:12:20 > 0:12:25That was brilliant. It was like Jonathan Ross was in the room.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Mrs Spider, after mating the house spider, what will she do?
0:12:28 > 0:12:32- Eat it.- Yes, the most famous being the redback.- Black widow.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Or the black widow, indeed.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36The redback, the male is really the most willing for it.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40He will inseminate the female and then jump into her open mouth.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- How marvellous!- Last thing he does.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Your good old British house spider, she has the decency to
0:12:48 > 0:12:52wait for the male to die before eating him, so it's kinder.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54She must feel weird if she has sons cos
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- she knows how they're going to go, so it can't be... - It's true, it's true.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Look at the boy, oh, shame.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03You'd think she'd want either the insemination or the spider dinner.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05She might not have wanted either of them.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- That's true.- Would have gone...Oh, God!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Ah-ah-ah...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- I've just had tea.- Eat me, eat me.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15But I suppose it kills two birds with one stone,
0:13:15 > 0:13:20because sometimes if you have had a little bit of the sexy, sexy time you are hungry.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21That's true.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24And it's sometimes annoying to have to get up and make a pasta dinner.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29And so what it is, you've just had a bit of a...
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I expect in the future men will evolve
0:13:32 > 0:13:34with the Domino's logo on them.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39And so women will lie there going, "At last, that was actually OK.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41"Come on, come on."
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- And then everyone's happy.- Yes.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47So, if there's a spider stuck in your kitchen sink,
0:13:47 > 0:13:48he's probably on the pull.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51The best way to help a spider is by giving him a little ladder.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53But what's the point of Snakes and Ladders?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Ah, now I did a programme about this,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- because actually it originated in India.- It did.
0:13:59 > 0:14:05And it was a morality game, as so many of our games were, or are.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06- Instructional.- Yes.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08But wasn't it linked, as well, with Ludo?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Well, you have Snakes and Ladders
0:14:10 > 0:14:12on one side of the board and Ludo on the other.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Yes, you do, that's right.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15It's as easy as that!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18So they are, in many ways, linked.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24But this, as you say, do you know what the message is, as it were?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- In the States it was called Chutes and Ladders.- Really?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29If you'd eaten all your dinner you could go up a ladder,
0:14:29 > 0:14:30and if you'd done something bad, like,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32I don't know, become President
0:14:32 > 0:14:34and not closed down Guantanamo or something,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36then you went back down the chute.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40- So it was the same, I suspect it's to do with...- That's right,
0:14:40 > 0:14:43it's learning various lessons. The K, in this case,
0:14:43 > 0:14:44is karma.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47It's a first or second century Hindu game,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50and the snakes represent different types of sins.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53The ladders let you reach nirvana, which is the finish there.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56You can see, the original game isn't quite the same structure,
0:14:56 > 0:14:58but it's not that far off. That's how it looked.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00If you hit a snake it represented a vice,
0:15:00 > 0:15:02for which you are punished.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04So evil deed squares include disobedience,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07which moved you from square 41, to square 4.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Drunkenness, 62 to 21,
0:15:10 > 0:15:14murder, 73 all the way back to number one.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15- I should think so.- Quite right.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Desire, almost there, 99, all the way back to 29.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22And the virtues, which were the ladders that took you up,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24included faith, perseverance, compassion...
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Arsenal supporter.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29I'm afraid, Alan, knowledge.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Now even more afraid, self-denial.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39- So really a properly ancient game. - Genuinely ancient, yes. Second century.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41And one that has sort of survived, I think it has.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Do you young people in the audience play Snakes and Ladders?
0:15:44 > 0:15:45AUDIENCE MEMBER: No.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47That man's taken a survey.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Don't you, of an evening?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51That one didn't sound very young.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Is there a Snakes and Ladders app? No?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Well, while we're in a playful mood,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I have one of my knick-knacks to show you.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00ALL: Ooooh!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Yes, now this...
0:16:02 > 0:16:05The great Lord Kelvin in the 1890s was wandering along a beach
0:16:05 > 0:16:08with a friend called Hugh Blackburn, who was a mathematician.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10They found a pebble and a surface on which to spin it
0:16:10 > 0:16:13and they found it had a peculiar property, not unlike this,
0:16:13 > 0:16:14which is called a tippe top.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18- Erm, and you give it a spin... - Oooooh!
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- Oh!- It turns upside down.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Now, what you, sort of, don't notice because it's still going
0:16:23 > 0:16:27clockwise but it's upside down, so it's reversed the direction of spin.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Oh...
0:16:28 > 0:16:30And engineers and mathematicians like Bohr
0:16:30 > 0:16:32and Pauli were fascinated by this.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34It is quite fun.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36We can show you some VT of it being done properly,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39then you can see slightly better spin there.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43So, this is about, you know when they were saying...
0:16:43 > 0:16:45The spin is still going...sorry.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Where they were saying that the earth axis is going to change
0:16:47 > 0:16:50and that north is going to be south. It's much like this.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- Sorry, Liza, is the world going to turn upside down?- Apparently so.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- Soon?- Tuesday, it's happening on Tuesday.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Just if I've got to get up and deal with my bills or not.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02This is even, perhaps, more impressive.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05This little thing here, and what's strange about this is
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I can spin it one way but not the other.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10If I spin it anti-clockwise, it goes very happily anti-clockwise
0:17:10 > 0:17:13but if I try and spin it clockwise, it not only will resist,
0:17:13 > 0:17:15it will stop and spin anti-clockwise.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I'm now going to try and spin it clockwise.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Because of the shape... the particular shape?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Obviously it's the reason, yes.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- Messing with its...you're twisting its melons, man.- Yeah!
0:17:29 > 0:17:31And then round and round and round again.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- Do you know physics is extraordinary. - It is, try it anti-clockwise.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- It really is...why? - I know, it is very mysterious.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I'm sorry, I didn't mean to dismiss you by saying it was because of the shape.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44I'm trying to ascertain what the shape...I couldn't really see what was the shape.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- It's a cat's tongue, Alan. - It is a cat's tongue.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53So, there you are. That shows it goes nicely counter-clockwise.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- Let me see.- It's sort of a humpy thing.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Slight hump in it but it's nothing...
0:17:57 > 0:18:01- But it's got a twisty bit. - Tiny twist. Now, do it clockwise.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- Isn't that amazing? - Did you say it has a name?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08This particular thing is called a rattleback.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10That's extraordinary, isn't it?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Yeah, so that's the tippe top and the rattleback.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Two very extraordinary objects that you can spin around
0:18:15 > 0:18:17and seem to have minds of their own.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Now, name the world's scariest spice.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- Well, it's none of them.- No.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28Because I was a member of the Spice Girls fan club at the age of 20.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- They were amazing. - They WERE amazing.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35They take a lot of flak now but they were amazing.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Zig-a-zig-ah.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40I just happened to be in Spice World: The Movie.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44I went to see that in the cinema.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Which one were you playing?!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I honestly literally did it
0:18:50 > 0:18:52because I had nephews who were at the age
0:18:52 > 0:18:56where to get the signed photograph of each one of the Spice Girls,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59it was like ten Christmases for them at once,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01and they were so thrilled.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04I would have pretended to be one of your nephews to get a signed photograph.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08You spoke to everyone who was on that film and they said, "I'm doing it to get their autographs."
0:19:08 > 0:19:12- What was the question?- Oh, yes, which is the scariest spice of them all?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- So, we're not going to be looking for an actual spice?- Well, yes.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16- So, it's once of these?- Yes.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19In order to big-up the price of spice,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22and it didn't need much to do it back in the 17th century,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25spice was the most precious commodity in the world.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Indeed there were spice wars between...?
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- The British, the Dutch and the Portuguese mainly.- Absolutely right.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- And the island of Banda...- Yes.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37..in Indonesia was swapped for Manhattan.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Well, one of the Banda islands was, yes.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Because it had so much nutmeg on it
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- and nutmeg was more valuable than gold.- Indeed.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47And they used it to preserve meat.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Well, they do and at the time, they thought it was
0:19:49 > 0:19:53a cure for the bubonic plague, which increased its value even more.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55The island was actually called Run, which is
0:19:55 > 0:19:59- one of the Banda islands but, erm... - Have you been to a spice farm?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01It's the most astonishing thing cos you say,
0:20:01 > 0:20:02"Oh, I'm going to go to a spice farm.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05"Thinking there'll be the nutmeg here and the paprika here..."
0:20:05 > 0:20:09It all grows all together in the most fantastic eco-system
0:20:09 > 0:20:11and you walk around and they're intertwined.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15It's the most heady experience I've ever had in my life, it's fantastic.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- Yeah.- Spice farms in places like Tanzania...incredible.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- Tanzania and also Sri Lanka. - So, that's nutmeg there? Love that.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Yeah.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29And nutmeg is related to mace in which way? What way? How way?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- Cousins.- Well, I think it's that I put mace in my beef stroganoff
0:20:32 > 0:20:34but not nutmeg, does that work?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Mace and nutmeg are the same plant,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- just different parts of the same plant.- Oh, OK.- Actually, yeah.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41But the one we're talking about is cinnamon.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44And the salesman of cinnamon, in order to sell it at the most
0:20:44 > 0:20:48premium price they could, used to tell of where it came from.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Which was the nest of this extraordinary bird,
0:20:51 > 0:20:55which they called the kinnamomon orneon.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58And it used these twigs of cinnamon in its nest
0:20:58 > 0:21:00and what they would have to do to catch it, this giant bird,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03is they'd leave slaughtered bits of giant oxen
0:21:03 > 0:21:05and the birds would take them up and put them on their nest,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08which would over-balance the nest and it would fall down
0:21:08 > 0:21:10and they would take out the cinnamon twigs.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13And, so they would charge all the more money for how dangerous
0:21:13 > 0:21:16it was, basically, to gather from this mystical bird.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17That is so fantastic,
0:21:17 > 0:21:20cos you can imagine on the Silk Road or the trade roads
0:21:20 > 0:21:23stopping and earning your supper of a night by telling
0:21:23 > 0:21:25the tale of that particular thing.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Exactly and in fact it is the bark from a tree,
0:21:27 > 0:21:29which doesn't take that much skill.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31But to travel the distance it did, once it got to Britain,
0:21:31 > 0:21:32a long, long way away...
0:21:32 > 0:21:36- Oh, yeah.- ..only the very, very richest of people could afford it.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38But just stay on spice for a moment.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I've prepared some allspice for you.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42I've put them all into pots.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47And I want you to tell me which spices you can smell in there,
0:21:47 > 0:21:48which different spices.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49I've got one for myself.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52If it goes everywhere that'll be funny.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- Wow.- What can you smell?- Cloves.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- Cloves, definitely. - Cloves, definitely.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58KLAXON SOUNDS
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- It's not me, wasn't me, I didn't do anything.- It was me.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Anything else? You definitely said cloves, definitely.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08I said loaves.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09- Loaves!- It's very strong.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- It IS strong.- It's persimmon. It actually smells like a grandparent.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I wish I could make the audience smell it,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18one day there will be smell-ivision, and we can share.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- Is somebody going to catch if I throw it?- It's very strong.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Oh!
0:22:23 > 0:22:24LAUGHTER
0:22:24 > 0:22:26APPLAUSE
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Shall I pass it on?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Pass it along.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Thank you so much.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38You can hand it to someone in the audience behind you.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- Who's good at spices?- You better have the lid.- Tell me what that is.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43No, it's not clove.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Well, it's sort of a cheat, really, it is called allspice,
0:22:46 > 0:22:47and a lot of people seem to believe
0:22:47 > 0:22:49allspice is a mixture of spices, but it isn't.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51It is a specific plant that gets its name
0:22:51 > 0:22:53from smelling like a combination of cinnamon, nutmeg and cloves,
0:22:53 > 0:22:57and it's called Pimenta dioica.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- AUDIENCE MEMBER SNEEZES - Oh, bless you.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01That's very funny!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Don't get too close to it, sir.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09We know where it's reached in the audience.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12It's all over the back of row three now.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Excellent.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Now, the word pepper has, as it were, two meanings for us.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22We have the pepper, which is salt and pepper
0:23:22 > 0:23:24and then we have hot peppers.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26And do you remember the name of the scale
0:23:26 > 0:23:27by which you measure the heat of peppers?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I heard a little whisper in the audience.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34If you have a really strong one, it smells like someone's died inside you.
0:23:34 > 0:23:39- Ahhhhh... Ooooohhhh.... - Someone in the audience is dying to get out here.- Richter.- Say it again?
0:23:39 > 0:23:40- FROM THE AUDIENCE:- Scoville.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Scoville, Scoville Scale, you're absolutely right.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47And on the Scoville Scale a jalapeno, for example, is 5,000.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Whereas, the hottest one is the Trinidad Maruga Scorpion.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56- Oh, it sounds hot.- Which ranks over two million on the Scoville Scale.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Could it kill you, if it was that...?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Almost, I mean, the hottest possible on the Scoville Scale
0:24:00 > 0:24:03are actually genuinely poisonous but the hottest curry,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06supposedly, ever measured that's been eaten...
0:24:06 > 0:24:08It was eaten by a Dr Rothwell, who was a radiologist,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10perhaps appropriately.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14In order to prepare it, the chef had to wear goggles and a mask...
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Like so, and it produces crying and shaking and vomiting,
0:24:17 > 0:24:18in eating it.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Very like our local Indian.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26The restaurant's owner said that Dr Rothwell was hallucinating
0:24:26 > 0:24:29and he himself took a ten minute walk down the street weeping,
0:24:29 > 0:24:30in the middle of eating it.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Took him an hour to eat. Which is not bad.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34So, so hot!
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Now, which Olympic sport should women not take part in?
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Weightlifting.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43- She looks so pleased with herself. - She does, as wouldn't you be.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Four scenes away from a prolapse though.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51I'm trying to think of her name, she's amazing.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53She can lift the equivalent of two fridges over her head.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- She's an astonishing... - Cheryl Haworth, by the way.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Cheryl Haworth, that's right, and she's an amazing weightlifter.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- I went to women's weightlifting in the Olympics.- Did you?
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Marvellous.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04And a woman from Kazakhstan won,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07very emo...not a dry eye in the house.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- You can see the physical effort. - Oh, absolutely.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13It's quite funny, the weightlifting, because usually,
0:25:13 > 0:25:16I was going to say the trainer but it's more like the handler...
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Coaxes out the weightlifter...
0:25:24 > 0:25:26This way, this way.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- And then they get the powder for the...- Oh, yes.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32..for grip and then they get in position
0:25:32 > 0:25:34and they go "sh-sh-sh" and you all have to be quiet.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37You could hear a pin drop and then they make this...and
0:25:37 > 0:25:39when they can't do it, it's heartbreaking.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- It's four years... - They turn their back on it.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44If they do do it, everyone erupts.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- So, it's a very emotional experience.- I bet it is.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49There was one girl who fell down and got pinned under it.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50PANEL GASP
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Everyone's craning their necks for a view.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Is she alive?
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Twitching...
0:25:56 > 0:25:58STEPHEN LAUGHS
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Took about four people to lift the thing off her neck, you know.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- Kept getting help cos it was enormous.- Exactly.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05It was very, very exciting.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- Everything about the Olympics was exciting.- It was.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12- It was quite exciting just going to the ExCeL centre, no-one's ever said that before.- No.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- Are you talking about the ancient Olympics or...- No, the ancient Olympics was all male anyway.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19No, this is, obviously, women should be allowed
0:26:19 > 0:26:22and can take part in all the summer Olympics...
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Except Pierre de Coubertin, who founded the modern Olympics, he said
0:26:26 > 0:26:30that it should just be about male athleticism, applauded by women.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33But we've moved on from that, as we know. So, when we say "should"...
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- Is it a K?- Yes, it is a K. - It's a K thing?
0:26:35 > 0:26:38It's a K, the word actually means, in its own language,
0:26:38 > 0:26:40a man's something.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Which is why, technically, you can't have a woman's version of it.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- Kayaking.- Is the right answer.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46- Really?- Yeah.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48APPLAUSE
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Absolutely right.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55In the Inuktitut language, it means a man's boat.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Except, they also had all female boats
0:26:58 > 0:27:04- and I'm trying to think of the name of them. They had a boat that was only for the women.- Kayakette.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07And traditionally the women caught more fish...in their boats and
0:27:07 > 0:27:10they've got a completely different name, like an umiak, I think.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12It was called a trawler.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Errrr!
0:27:20 > 0:27:24Sometimes the men used the umiak for hunting walruses and things,
0:27:24 > 0:27:27but they were mainly used just for transporting people and objects.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Now, these two in this picture, one seems to have a quiver
0:27:29 > 0:27:32for arrows and the other one seems to have a baby...
0:27:32 > 0:27:36- Growing out of her shoulder. - It would be awful to get those mixed up.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Baaaaah!
0:27:40 > 0:27:41That's so true.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Stephen, you say that now it's all marvellous equality,
0:27:44 > 0:27:45it's not completely.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48For example, in the women's football,
0:27:48 > 0:27:50in the 2012 Olympics,
0:27:50 > 0:27:53the Japanese sent a women's team and they sent a men's team,
0:27:53 > 0:27:55and the men's team came from Japan in business class,
0:27:55 > 0:27:57and the women's team came in economy.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59- That's not my fault! - No, I'm just saying!
0:28:03 > 0:28:04I wasn't blaming you.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07They did go back, I have to say,
0:28:07 > 0:28:10in a different way, in that the women went back with a silver medal,
0:28:10 > 0:28:12and the men went back without anything.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16In the Olympics, for example,
0:28:16 > 0:28:21there are only two sports which are wholly co-ed, as it were.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24- Equestrian, presumably, would be one. - Equestrian, the other is sailing.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26It doesn't seem to make a difference.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30Almost all sports were invented by men to show off skills men have,
0:28:30 > 0:28:33so that's kind of why I think men are good at them.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35I like the ones where they do those trial ones,
0:28:35 > 0:28:38and I think it was 1900 in Paris
0:28:38 > 0:28:40they had poodle clipping as a trial sport.
0:28:40 > 0:28:44- It's a nice thought, it's actually not true.- Is it not true?
0:28:44 > 0:28:46- It's a myth but it's a lovely idea. - I'd like that.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Now for a question about going under the knife.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51What's the advantage of having
0:28:51 > 0:28:54an arm surgically attached to your face?
0:28:54 > 0:28:56You could use it like a trunk.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00- You could.- Feed yourself buns.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Can you not feed yourself buns already?
0:29:03 > 0:29:05If you're doing something, doing something else,
0:29:05 > 0:29:08so let's say you were performing surgery, and you got peckish,
0:29:08 > 0:29:11- you wouldn't have to get anyone else to help you.- That's true.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14- Are you talking about an arm, or an arm and a hand, or...?- Extra arm.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17- No, it's not to give you an extra arm.- Skin grafting.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19It was kind of skin grafting.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22It was done in the 17th century by an Italian surgeon.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25That's the process - there's your arm.
0:29:25 > 0:29:26It's the bit near the shoulder,
0:29:26 > 0:29:30and it's attached, as you can see, to the nose.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33It was quite common in that period for the nose to perish,
0:29:33 > 0:29:35to disappear, to get diseased from...?
0:29:35 > 0:29:37- Oh, syphilis.- Syphilis, I'm afraid.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39There was a man called Gaspare Tagliacozzi,
0:29:39 > 0:29:41who was a surgeon from Bologna,
0:29:41 > 0:29:44and he performed this rhinoplasty, essentially.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48- Can you name a famous person who had a nose made of metal? - Tycho Brahe.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50You probably pronounce him better than most,
0:29:50 > 0:29:52- because he was your countryman. - The Danish astronomer.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55He had a zinc, was it, or brass...?
0:29:55 > 0:29:58- I think it was brass. - Oh, how fabulous.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Can he play it like a trumpet?
0:30:02 > 0:30:06Disconcerting as well, colour wise,
0:30:06 > 0:30:08to have a big brass nose, with a fine shine on it.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10I'd like an eye on me finger.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12- An eye on your finger.- Mm.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18I'm sure it'd be possible one day.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21Fit for the uses on buses and tubes.
0:30:24 > 0:30:25I'm afraid people get...
0:30:25 > 0:30:31- LAUGHTER - No! Not for an auto colonoscopy!
0:30:31 > 0:30:33Stop it!
0:30:35 > 0:30:37Behave! That's just revolting.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39A-ha.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42Of course, the other thing is, there was
0:30:42 > 0:30:46a nobleman who decided he didn't want anybody's...
0:30:46 > 0:30:49There was a nobleman who decided he didn't want...
0:30:49 > 0:30:50I'm reading.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56There was a nobleman who decided he didn't want a cut
0:30:56 > 0:30:58made in his own arm, so he had a servant have his arm cut.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00- Really?- Yeah.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03And the servant had to sort of follow him all around.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07Of course, what happened was the servant died
0:31:07 > 0:31:08and the nose was rejected.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10Of course.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12And they weren't sure whether he died
0:31:12 > 0:31:15because it was rejected or whether it was rejected because he died.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18So he had no nose and nobody to get the tea!
0:31:18 > 0:31:22There's another operation - a gynecomastia,
0:31:22 > 0:31:26which is breast diminution.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28In 2012, a paper called
0:31:28 > 0:31:32Gynecomastia in German Soldiers - Etiology and Pathology,
0:31:32 > 0:31:34looked at the number of breast reductions that were taking
0:31:34 > 0:31:37place among the male members of the German army.
0:31:37 > 0:31:41Abnormal breasts - why would German soldiers have abnormal breasts?
0:31:41 > 0:31:44- They drink too much milk.- No.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Is it when you march like this?
0:31:46 > 0:31:49Not quite the marching, it's a ceremonial buffeting of your
0:31:49 > 0:31:50rifle against your chest.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53It actually causes the breast to enlarge.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55Is it like a shock thing?
0:31:55 > 0:31:58It's a shock and the breast has to get used to this regular
0:31:58 > 0:32:01pummelling, and decides to push extra fat out to protect itself.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04- Wow.- It's during ceremonial drill...
0:32:04 > 0:32:08Women could save money on breast implants and just get a gun.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12I think it might be quite odd
0:32:12 > 0:32:15if you were just sitting on the bus doing that all the time.
0:32:15 > 0:32:16I'd save it for private!
0:32:16 > 0:32:19I think if you took a gun on a bus at all you'd be in trouble.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21In the last six years,
0:32:21 > 0:32:23212 German soldiers have had this procedure,
0:32:23 > 0:32:26which is not inconsiderable,
0:32:26 > 0:32:29considering that, being a male soldier, it's presumably embarrassing.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Exactly. I just thought, wouldn't it go away?
0:32:31 > 0:32:33Yeah, the modern German army...
0:32:33 > 0:32:35- MIMICS GERMAN ACCENT:- Forget all your notions of the Nazis,
0:32:35 > 0:32:37we're whole new peoples!
0:32:37 > 0:32:41We're very at ease with our inner woman, you know.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43It's really, there's no embarrassment -
0:32:43 > 0:32:48I could show you my breasts. And I'm not embarrassed at all.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50It's fine.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53- That's an incredibly sexy accent. - Thank you.- It really is.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55APPLAUSE
0:32:57 > 0:33:01I think camouflage clothing is weird cos you can see them perfectly well.
0:33:07 > 0:33:11You may have missed the point but I kind of know what you're saying.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16Right, let me take you back to a day in September, 2005.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Why did so many Russians have it off?
0:33:18 > 0:33:21- Was it football? - Wasn't anything to do with football.
0:33:21 > 0:33:25- Is it to do with voting?- Voting? No. Actually, only in a province.
0:33:25 > 0:33:29The governor of this province and the particular town.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32Ulyanovsk is the name of the town. That might be a hint.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34Ulyanov mean anything to you?
0:33:34 > 0:33:38- Erm...- Someone in the audience will know what the name means?
0:33:38 > 0:33:39AUDIENCE MEMBER: Lenin.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42- Lenin's real name was Ulyanov. - Oh! I had no idea.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45So his town was named after him - Ulyanovsk - and it was a popular
0:33:45 > 0:33:47destination, in Communist times.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50People would come and say, "He vos born Ulanovsk."
0:33:50 > 0:33:53There's me just thinking he was from Liverpool.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56I was trying to get into my... You have to sound as if
0:33:56 > 0:33:59you are speaking backwards. "Iz alvays difficoolt ven...
0:33:59 > 0:34:01"Lenin vos born in Ulyanovsk."
0:34:01 > 0:34:03HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
0:34:03 > 0:34:05The governor of...
0:34:05 > 0:34:07"I hope ze destination..."
0:34:07 > 0:34:09- There he is.- Oh, look at him!
0:34:09 > 0:34:12- Looks as if he's praying. - Bruce Forsyth.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14LAUGHTER
0:34:14 > 0:34:15- Oh, my God, it is!- Yeah!
0:34:15 > 0:34:19"Nice to see you..."
0:34:19 > 0:34:22Brucefski Vlad Forsythski.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25He decided that the town was suffering and...
0:34:25 > 0:34:28Well, it is. Look at the bloody architecture.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30LAUGHTER
0:34:30 > 0:34:33Most Communist architecture is even worse than that.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36But he decided it needed to increase its population,
0:34:36 > 0:34:39- so he named a day... - Was there an edict?- Yes.
0:34:39 > 0:34:44And it was basically Shag Day and if you could show
0:34:44 > 0:34:47that you had conceived that day, you got prizes - very Bruce Forsyth! -
0:34:47 > 0:34:48like a fridge.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50LAUGHTER
0:34:50 > 0:34:52"Fridge - yes, yes!
0:34:52 > 0:34:56"Vot else do you have?" There was a star prize, which was a 4x4.
0:34:56 > 0:34:57Really, yes.
0:34:57 > 0:35:01- On that day, what did gay people do - redecorate?- I'm afraid, gay people...
0:35:01 > 0:35:04- Yes, they do that every day! - Oh, sorry!
0:35:04 > 0:35:08- Silly me(!)- Gay people were never the first priority
0:35:08 > 0:35:11and still aren't in Russia, I'm afraid. The Day of Conception.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13On those game shows in the '70s, they'd give you a speedboat
0:35:13 > 0:35:15- or a caravan.- Yes!
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Things you just didn't want, at all. "You've won a caravan."
0:35:18 > 0:35:22There'd be someone standing in the door, waving.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24Do they pair you up, like a dating thing?
0:35:24 > 0:35:28- Oh, I see what you mean. - "I vouldn't advise it."
0:35:28 > 0:35:30I think it was a very severe Russian...
0:35:30 > 0:35:32I think it had to be within marriage.
0:35:32 > 0:35:36- They didn't want to fill Ulyanovsk with bastards.- No.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39- That was the last thing they wanted. - Riff-raff.- Yeah, exactly.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42Even in the Napoleonic era, there was a Russian general
0:35:42 > 0:35:45called Alexey Arakcheyev, who insisted that all the women
0:35:45 > 0:35:49on his estate have a son every year. If they had a daughter,
0:35:49 > 0:35:53or didn't have any child, or even miscarried, they were fined.
0:35:54 > 0:35:59- That's a bit harsh.- It was tough, but they understood it(!)- Yes.
0:35:59 > 0:36:03- They knew where they were(!) - Seems perfectly reasonable to me(!)
0:36:03 > 0:36:07Anyway, in 2005, the mayor of Ulyanovsk
0:36:07 > 0:36:10gave everyone a day off, so they could play Hide The Sausage.
0:36:10 > 0:36:11LAUGHTER
0:36:11 > 0:36:15- We need to talk about Kevin. - Oh, right.- What can you say?
0:36:15 > 0:36:20- Oh.- Kevins.- One of my best friends is called Kevin.
0:36:20 > 0:36:25Well, I'm sorry. I say that because that is a clue as to the answer.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28- Is it the meaning of the name? - Unfortunately, it's just not
0:36:28 > 0:36:31a good name to have if you are on the hunt for a partner.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34On dating websites, people are actively put off by the name Kevin,
0:36:34 > 0:36:37I'm afraid. They get fewer replies.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39So, if your name is Kevin, use your middle name,
0:36:39 > 0:36:42but not if your middle name is Marvin, Justin or Dennis,
0:36:42 > 0:36:44cos they are equally unfortunate.
0:36:44 > 0:36:48- It's so unfair. - I've never met anyone called Kevin.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51I've never met a Kevin. I've never met a Kevin.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54You've never met a Kevin? You've never met any Kevin?
0:36:54 > 0:36:56There's a Kevin there! You can meet him!
0:36:56 > 0:36:59- Is there someone called Kevin in? - Hiya! Susan - Kevin!
0:36:59 > 0:37:01Yay! There we go!
0:37:04 > 0:37:08- Not only that...- Do you know...? - Not only that, he's gorgeous!
0:37:08 > 0:37:12- He's gorgeous!- He's lovely!
0:37:12 > 0:37:16"Before tonight" - it's like Surprise, Surprise - "before tonight
0:37:15 > 0:37:18"I'd never met a Kevin, now I'm married to one."
0:37:18 > 0:37:21Do you know what was nice? You were so pleased.
0:37:21 > 0:37:26You were like that, "At last! My time in the sun! It's Kevin!"
0:37:26 > 0:37:29Also, if you're female, there are four names that do just as badly
0:37:29 > 0:37:34for women - Mandy, Chantelle, Jacqueline and Celina, with a C.
0:37:36 > 0:37:39Apparently, the best names, which are rather dully middle class,
0:37:39 > 0:37:42are Jacob and Alexander and Charlotte and Emma,
0:37:42 > 0:37:44just in terms of returns on the website.
0:37:44 > 0:37:48I'll give you some names last year born in America, beginning with K.
0:37:48 > 0:37:52Krymson, K-R-Y-M-S-O-N. Klinton, with a K.
0:37:52 > 0:37:53Kingsolomon, all one word.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55LAUGHTER
0:37:55 > 0:38:00- He's mine.- Keats and Kdrian - letter K, D-R-I-A-N.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03- YORKSHIRE ACCENT:- "Kdrian, coom in, our kid, your tea's on t'table.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Sorry, don't know why I said it like that.
0:38:05 > 0:38:10There were ten Kindles, as in the e-reader.
0:38:10 > 0:38:14- People are called Kindle?- Ten in America baptised or given that name. And ten Kingdavids, all one word.
0:38:14 > 0:38:18My sister-in-law used to work in a hospital and there were
0:38:18 > 0:38:21a pair of twins born - this is in Sunderland - and they were named
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Fifa and Uefa.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26LAUGHTER
0:38:28 > 0:38:31- GEORDIE ACCENT:- "Little Champions League, you get in now!"
0:38:31 > 0:38:35- Fifa and Uefa.- That's fantastic. - They're not even words.- Right.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38You're less likely to click with people called Kevin, sadly.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41Now it's time for General Ignorance.
0:38:41 > 0:38:45Fingers on buzzers, please. Which way is this comet going?
0:38:45 > 0:38:48- ALAN'S BUZZER - Where's it headed to?
0:38:48 > 0:38:50I think it's going that way, I thought was the answer.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53- KLAXON SOUNDS - Oh!
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Dagnabbit!
0:38:58 > 0:39:01It looks as though the tail is to the left.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04The tail is caused by solar wind.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06There's nothing to reveal the direction of travel.
0:39:06 > 0:39:10It's solidified carbon dioxide turning into gas in the solar winds,
0:39:10 > 0:39:13and it's always pointing away from the sun, the tail.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16- Isn't it beautiful? - They are beautiful, aren't they?
0:39:16 > 0:39:18Who took that picture?
0:39:24 > 0:39:25That's a good effort.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29You could put it into a competition.
0:39:31 > 0:39:36"I shot this on a Nikon F8, standing on a stepladder."
0:39:36 > 0:39:39"It took me 40 years to get the film developed."
0:39:41 > 0:39:44I assume from some passing object that NASA sent up.
0:39:44 > 0:39:48But it comes from the Greek comitos, do you know what that means?
0:39:48 > 0:39:51- Electrical store.- No.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57APPLAUSE
0:39:59 > 0:40:00It means "long beard",
0:40:00 > 0:40:03and that's what it reminds people of, a nice long beard.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06The point is, there's nothing to reveal the direction of travel.
0:40:06 > 0:40:11- We don't know where that one's going, then?- We simply don't know.
0:40:11 > 0:40:15- Luton. - It's going to Luton. That'll do.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20Describe the skin on a crocodile's head.
0:40:20 > 0:40:21There isn't going to be any, is there?
0:40:21 > 0:40:23- Thick.- Thick is probably right, yeah.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25- This is a trap, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27- Would I?- Yes.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30- They don't have any skin. - Yeah, they do.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33- It's not that. - It's not that, then, yeah.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Shoe.
0:40:35 > 0:40:36Reptilian.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38Yes, that'll do. But it isn't scaly.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40- Not scaly.- That's right.
0:40:40 > 0:40:41Not scaly.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44Move on, then, next one.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48- Just do a quick explanation. - Fish are scaly.
0:40:48 > 0:40:50It's cracked skin and it's irregular.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53Scales are genetically programmed to appear and are regular,
0:40:53 > 0:40:56but these are different on every single crocodile
0:40:56 > 0:40:57and they're not regular.
0:40:57 > 0:41:01Once, I did an extraordinary trip, where I canoed across Africa -
0:41:01 > 0:41:04I don't recommend it, you get a condition called trench bottom,
0:41:04 > 0:41:06and, um...
0:41:06 > 0:41:09- Met a wonderful woman... - Sorry, you did what nude?
0:41:09 > 0:41:11- I canoed across Africa.- Nude?
0:41:11 > 0:41:13No, no, not nude.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17All I could hear...
0:41:19 > 0:41:21It was in my head.
0:41:21 > 0:41:24It wasn't dangerous enough, so I...
0:41:25 > 0:41:28I thought I heard you say, "I can nude."
0:41:28 > 0:41:30That's why I went, "Pardon?"
0:41:30 > 0:41:33Anyway, I met this woman, this missionary, and I said to her...
0:41:33 > 0:41:35LIZA LAUGHS
0:41:37 > 0:41:39She said, "I hope you're not in a kayak."
0:41:45 > 0:41:47- She was a missionary...? - A missionary.
0:41:47 > 0:41:51And she said to me, "Are you worried about crocodiles." I said, "Yes."
0:41:51 > 0:41:54She said, "If you should meet a crocodile, here's the advice -
0:41:54 > 0:41:58"offer it your arm, cos then you've still got both legs to run away."
0:41:58 > 0:41:59True.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02I like that. We know another good way.
0:42:02 > 0:42:06Put a rubber band over its mouth.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09It can only move one jaw and it can't put any pressure upwards,
0:42:09 > 0:42:11snap it down.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14The things that look like scales on a crocodile's head
0:42:14 > 0:42:16are actually just cracks in its skin.
0:42:16 > 0:42:19So, that's the end of the show, so let's find out
0:42:19 > 0:42:22who's the clever clogs and who's a big stupid old thicky.
0:42:22 > 0:42:27In equal last position, on minus nine,
0:42:27 > 0:42:30- it's Liza and Susan! - SHE CHEERS
0:42:30 > 0:42:32APPLAUSE
0:42:35 > 0:42:39In a highly-respectable second place,
0:42:39 > 0:42:41with minus four, Alan Davies!
0:42:41 > 0:42:43APPLAUSE
0:42:46 > 0:42:48Which means that our runaway,
0:42:48 > 0:42:52super-soaraway winner, with minus two, is Sandi Toksvig.
0:42:52 > 0:42:54APPLAUSE
0:42:59 > 0:43:03So, it only remains for me to thank Susan, Sandi, Liza and Alan.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05Good night.