0:00:25 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:32 > 0:00:37Goo-oo-oo-oo-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:39 > 0:00:42good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46where tonight we're cantering through the whole kit and caboodle.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48It's a catch-all that can cover anything and anyone,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51including the wild expanse of Ross Noble.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54CHEERING
0:00:57 > 0:01:00The far reaches of Noel Fielding.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03CHEERING
0:01:06 > 0:01:08The sweeping vistas of Colin Lane.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10CHEERING
0:01:13 > 0:01:16And the frozen wastes of Alan Davies.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20CHEERING
0:01:22 > 0:01:26So, catch my attention if you can. Ross goes:
0:01:26 > 0:01:30SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Noel goes:
0:01:31 > 0:01:34TRAIN HORN
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Colin goes:
0:01:35 > 0:01:37WIBBLE WOBBLE
0:01:37 > 0:01:38LAUGHING
0:01:38 > 0:01:40And Alan goes:
0:01:40 > 0:01:42MAN'S VOICE: Stephen, Stephen! I want some points!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Now, in case anybody's wondering, because he hasn't done that
0:01:47 > 0:01:50much television in Britain, we found Colin in Australia.
0:01:50 > 0:01:56- Colin, in 1994, you won the Perrier Award, didn't you?- Yes.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- For comedy at the Edinburgh Fringe. - Yes.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Which is an incredibly distinguished award to win, as...
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- HE COUGHS - ..I know.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05And, no, ignore that.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- But you haven't won the Perrier Award, Stephen? - Yes, I did win it, yes.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Oh, you did? - I was the... My group was the first to win it, ever.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13- Yeah.- The first? - As it happens, yeah.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16But I wonder who you beat in 1994? Who came second or third?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18There were a few other nominees.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- Yeah, who were the other nominees? - Er... Um..
0:02:21 > 0:02:25I think the main competition came from a little fellow....
0:02:25 > 0:02:26ALAN YAWNS
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- ..his name was Alan Davies. - Alan Davies.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Oh, no, whatever.- Yes.- Oh.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Alan Davies, yes. Yes.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Then I went to Melbourne and I stayed at Colin's house
0:02:34 > 0:02:38and he'd put the Perrier Award on the bedside table!
0:02:43 > 0:02:47He said he had to look for it, he had to look in the loft for it.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50And the Perrier Award, Alan, was a...
0:02:50 > 0:02:52In case you want to know what it looks like.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56Was like a piece of wood with like a silver Perrier bottle on top,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58with a little cap on it,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01that kind of just fell off a couple of days after we got it.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05And the award for Best Newcomer, was a lovely...
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- Really, you?- Did you?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- That was you?- Did you win it? Yeah! - That was you!
0:03:17 > 0:03:19It's a better trophy, isn't it? It's like a sort of big cube.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22It's a much better, it's like an oblong Perspex.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Yeah, like a Star Trek thing.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27With the shape of a Perrier bottle made out of bubbles inside it,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29it's really, it's really, really nice.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30I gave it to my mum, yeah.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Anyway, that's enough inspecting our own bottoms, it's embarrassing.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38So, suggest, if you may,
0:03:38 > 0:03:42some uses of kitty litter that don't involve a kitty.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Aaah. There's a kitty. I've got some kitty litter here.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Anyone could use it for absorbing their urine, couldn't they?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Well, you could use it in the same way that a kitty would use it,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53yeah, because it does soak up liquid.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Can you - when you drop your phone in the loo - you're supposed to put it in a tub
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- of rice to get the moisture out. - Indeed. - Can you do that with cat litter?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03There's an episode of Elementary which is based on that very fact.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06There's an episode of Jonathan Creek where I wee'd in some cat litter.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I say "I"- the character Jonathan.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Let's work backwards as to how that could possibly be a plot line
0:04:13 > 0:04:15that you pee'd in cat litter.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I just got trapped in the cellar for ages and I needed a wee.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Oh, I see, well, that's fair enough.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23When you're at school, when people throw up, don't they put cat,
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- I don't know...- Sawdust.- That's a good thing to do.- Ah.- That, exactly, anything like that.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29We used to have a sort of weird brown sand.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Yeah, and they say, "There's nothing to see here,"
0:04:31 > 0:04:32but there is, isn't there?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Yes, there really is.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- It's a really good spectacle. - There's a lot to see there.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38There's a lot to see.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Also they would draw a chalk line round it, like it had died.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Yes. The scene of a body.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45The skill was to make it in the shape of a dead body.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Make it look like a mammal.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Oh, look, a racoon has died in the playground.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54It's always a bit of fun to put it in a sugar bowl,
0:04:54 > 0:04:58so that when somebody adds it to their tea, just, phoom, tea's gone.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Probably the most profitable use, bizarrely,
0:05:04 > 0:05:06was by the American tobacco industry.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Can you imagine why that might be?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09There's a tax on tobacco, obviously, there was
0:05:09 > 0:05:12a tax on small cigars and American tobacco companies...
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Filters, in filters?
0:05:13 > 0:05:17They bulked-up their small cigars to become big cigars...
0:05:17 > 0:05:19..using, amongst
0:05:19 > 0:05:22other things, the ingredients of cat litter, which is disgusting.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25That's a big cigar.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28No, I think that's someone's leg! She's just eaten someone.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30That is enormous.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I think they've bulked that one up too much.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38That's a normal-sized cigar, I think, but she's just a very small woman.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41They apparently reduced their tax take on tobacco by over
0:05:41 > 0:05:46a billion this way, by bumping small cigars into the big-cigar category.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50But unfortunately a lot of cats leapt up and wee'd on their faces.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53"I'm going to celebrate the deal. Aaaah."
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Why did they choose kitty litter as the filling?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Oh, it was because it's a kind of neutral stuff that burns,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02that doesn't really taste of anything unpleasant,
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- and is cheap and isn't tobacco. - It burns?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- So it doesn't have a tax on it. - What about just some soil, maybe?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09That would be cheaper than kitty litter.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10The trouble with soil is, it wouldn't burn
0:06:10 > 0:06:14- and it would taste unpleasant. - What about air?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- Just a foot pump.- Yeah.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Or better still, some helium, so that you can just have your cigar
0:06:19 > 0:06:23and you don't have to hold it, you just take your hand away and it just
0:06:23 > 0:06:26floats there like that, and then you can just go back to it and go...
0:06:28 > 0:06:29And then you go...
0:06:29 > 0:06:32HIGH VOICE: "This is a lovely cigar.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"It's enormous!"
0:06:34 > 0:06:37So it's highly flammable, so basically, if a kitten...
0:06:37 > 0:06:40It's not highly flammable. You can just burn it, like tobacco.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42It doesn't go, whoomf!
0:06:44 > 0:06:48It's probably apocryphal, but there was a story about Churchill,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50or if you are an American, about Clarence Darrow,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53the famous lawyer, if you remember the Scopes Monkey Trial,
0:06:53 > 0:06:58he was the great lawyer who defended the teacher who was teaching evolution.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I can see why Winston Churchill was so angry.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04He's the Prime Minister and he's got a cigar with a dent in it.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08That's from where a small kitten landed on him.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11And then leapt off.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13They had they had a trick, supposedly, which withdrew
0:07:13 > 0:07:17people's attention from what they were saying and made them agree with them.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20And that was, they would stick a needle or long pin
0:07:20 > 0:07:24into their cigar lengthways which has the effect of keeping
0:07:24 > 0:07:29the ash from falling, and so at meetings, people would just stare at
0:07:29 > 0:07:31the cigars and they would say things like,
0:07:31 > 0:07:37"We shall not give independence to India," and they go, "Yes, fine, absolutely, I agree with you."
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Because they just couldn't take in what was being said.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41It was a brilliant strategy.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44It was like just now when you said monkey trial.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I couldn't hear anything else you were saying.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Just imagining a trial with monkeys.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55- A monkey challenge.- It's like gorilla warfare. Gorillas!
0:07:55 > 0:08:00- None of the information going in. - Or a kangaroo court.- Exactly!
0:08:00 > 0:08:04It's very confusing, but there are other uses for kitty litter.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06A small jar of clean litter in the fridge
0:08:06 > 0:08:08will get rid of unwanted smells.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- Will it? With the lid off. - Yes.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14You seal it in a vacuum!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20People would put it in with the lid on! You know that? Not me!
0:08:20 > 0:08:21I know the lid off,
0:08:21 > 0:08:27but other people, they would put it in and say, "The fridge still stinks, right!"
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- You've got to help people!- Kitty litter doesn't come with a lid.
0:08:30 > 0:08:35It doesn't come in a jar, either, does it?! You brought the jar up!
0:08:35 > 0:08:37No, you put it in a jar.
0:08:37 > 0:08:43- Yes, but not with the lid on! - All right, pointlessly I will concede you that.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- Does it have to be a jar?- It doesn't! It could be a cup! A teacup.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51- A saucer. A simple saucer. - Some sort of vessel or receptacle.
0:08:51 > 0:08:57You've got to be very careful not to use the vegetable tray,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00because if you fill that full of kitty litter, very confusing.
0:09:00 > 0:09:05Yes. You can put a cup full of litter in a pair of tights,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07bear with me,
0:09:07 > 0:09:11tie off the top and leave it in your shoes overnight for freshness.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14There's a hint, yes, audience going "ooh!"
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Someone's going to try that in the audience.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Someone's got a teenage son with smelly... - GEORDIE ACCENT:- ..trainers.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- "Trainers?"- Is that what went wrong... "Trainers."
0:09:22 > 0:09:27- Ross? "What are you doing to me? I said "trainers".- Trainers.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- GEORDIE ACCENT:- I've got to put some tights in me shoes with kitty litter in them.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Oh, yeah, he's laughing now, any minute now I'll go...
0:09:35 > 0:09:39So when you see the male ballet dancers in their tights,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41is that what the, is that what's down the front there?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Absolutely. Yeah.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46When they're lifting, they'll go, "Hmm, fresh. Fresh."
0:09:46 > 0:09:50"Go on love, smell that, eat your dinner off that."
0:09:50 > 0:09:51"I'm not eating me dinner off that."
0:09:51 > 0:09:53"I got it out the fridge 20 minutes ago.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54"There's a jar down there."
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Yeah, the point is, the last thing that kitty litter needs is
0:10:00 > 0:10:02a kitty, really, you can use it for so many other things.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Name the product which put Kendal on the map.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09ALL: Ah, oh, aaah...
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- I'm being pointed at. - Let's do it one letter at a time.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- Yeah. - M...
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I just I love saying that word as well. Those words together.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21- Do you?- Yeah.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I have no idea what you're talking about.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26You're the only one who doesn't, we're all desperate to say it.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- Kendal Mint Cake.- What?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- KLAXON BLARES - Oh, that's so unfair!
0:10:30 > 0:10:33There is a mint cake which went up Everest for the first,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35the conquering of Everest, and Scott took on the...
0:10:35 > 0:10:39- High sugar, for giving you energy when you're up a mountain. - It's rather delicious.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- I see.- But it's not what put Kendal on the map, as it were.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Kendal became famous for another product.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47And it's actually extraordinary, it's a machine that was built
0:10:47 > 0:10:53in 1750, and is possibly the oldest still working machine in the world.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56It's still producing the same stuff now.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59It was actually built to make gunpowder,
0:10:59 > 0:11:05but quite early on in its life, it was schlepped down to Kendal by ass
0:11:05 > 0:11:09or donkey, and then started to make what it still makes to this day.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Which is of the same consistency as gunpowder.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- Sherbet Dip. - Sherbet Dip!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18That map's only of any use really if you're going, driving to Kendal.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22If you're, it is, exactly. You're absolutely right.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- It's not much use for anything else. - It's for walking.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26And even then it's pretty vague.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I used to sell those maps and people would come in and they'd go,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32"I'm going to Birmingham," and I'd go, "No, you can't."
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- "Yeah, I've only got a Kendal map." - Do you use it in the home?
0:11:35 > 0:11:36We nowadays very rarely use it.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41It was the most popular form of delivery of this drug,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43up until about 1900.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Nicotine?
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Nicotine is the right answer. How was nicotine most delivered?
0:11:48 > 0:11:49- Snuff.- Snuff.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Kendal has a snuff mill that has been going
0:11:51 > 0:11:56- since 1750 and still produces snuff. - Ah, the old Kendal snuff mill.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- The old Kendal snuff mill. - I think I knew that.- Exactly.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I have some snuff for you to try, in different flavours.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05You can see whether the lid is lying or not.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Arrgh!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09In special QI lids. You can take it if you want.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- You obviously inhale it up the nose. - You do it all, right?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Oh!
0:12:14 > 0:12:15You're going to spill...
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Don't do it all, no. It's very sharp.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20It is, it's sharp.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Nothing. Nothing.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Oh really! No!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Nothing.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- Oh, you're licking it.- Woooooo!
0:12:35 > 0:12:39On the gums. Oh, a moustache. It is quite sharp.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42You've had a go. What's your flavour saying, Alan?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45The only time... it says Christmas pudding.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47You've got Christmas pudding.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50The only time I've had a...
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Ross Noble!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Honestly, it's fine, it's good, put it in your eyes.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58It's good.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02This is probably the only time my nan's going to watch me
0:13:02 > 0:13:05on telly and I'll be like that the whole show.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08What do you reckon, Colin?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Oh, that is the... the flavour says "kitty litter".
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Ah-ha-ha.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- That is awful! - You're not a fan?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- I'm not a fan. It says "champagne". - Yeah, they're different.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22There are so many, I mean hundreds,
0:13:22 > 0:13:26- thousands of different flavours or sorts, as they're called.- Ugh!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28What does yours say on the lid, Noel?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- What flavour?- Yeah.- Jealousy.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- By Calvin Klein.- Whisky and honey.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- Whisky and honey. Does it taste...? Yours, Ross?- No, not really.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- When you've come down? - I can't see!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I can't see anything.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- Noel will read it to you. - Who's talking to me?!
0:13:46 > 0:13:50- Your flavour's madness. - It says "peanut butter"!
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- No, it says "Perrier". - Oh, does it? Arrgh!
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Ah, Perrier smells of victory.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04The problem is, it makes your snot brown,
0:14:04 > 0:14:07so there are snuff handkerchiefs which are brown silk
0:14:07 > 0:14:10handkerchiefs or dark coloured silk handkerchiefs.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13But that will, really, you'll see, you'll get a...
0:14:13 > 0:14:16It'll look as if you've wiped your arse, I'm afraid.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Ugh!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22That, from here, looks like the Turin Shroud.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I can see the face of our Lord! You're right!
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Even though you know it's snuff, you're like, "Urggh!"
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- Even though, exactly. - "He's shat in his hanky!"
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Even though they know.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Aaarggh!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46It's like your eyeball comes out in the wet wipe.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48It's fine.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51What are the advantages, if one can put it that way, of taking snuff instead of smoking?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Sorry.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- Well, there's no smoky stinkiness. - Yeah, that you... - It's very self-contained.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Lung cancer, emphysema, heart disease are unlikely.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- Not bothering other people. - It doesn't bother other people.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- It doesn't make your clothes smell. - It could be perfumed.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- But it will rot inside your nose, sinuses and... - Nasopharyngeal...
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- NASAL VOICE: "It affects the way you talk as well, Stephen." - Yeah, well there is that.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15It does slightly increase your chances of nasopharyngeal
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- cancer, but only slightly. - Oh great, thanks very much(!)
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Not one pinch, I promise.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22It is, of course, necessary for me at this point not to
0:15:22 > 0:15:25recommend snuff, or any other tobacco products.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Is that Little Mix?
0:15:30 > 0:15:34I don't want to alarm anyone, but the one at the top left is me.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39It is! Oh, my goodness.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49There's no doubting it.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Members of Parliament, you may be pleased to note,
0:15:52 > 0:15:54get a free ration of snuff.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57There's a bit snuff box kept in Parliament for them.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02A freedom of information enquiry showed that one box lasts two years
0:16:02 > 0:16:05and costs £6, so it's hardly an expenses scandal.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08They've been bulking that out with cat litter, surely?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13This'll last you two years, this will.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Anyway, s'nuff said about Kendal.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21Why isn't the tiny woman in your snuff box wearing any pants?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23There's a picture in the lid of your snuff box.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28Wow! I think the snuff's kicked in.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- I've only got a head shot. - Well, it's only a head shot.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34But as it happens, she wouldn't be wearing any pants.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38- I've got a full...a full... - Have you?- No.- You liar.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I've taken her face and arranged the snuff
0:16:40 > 0:16:42so it looks like she's a bearded lady.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- Like that magnetic thing with the iron filings.- Yeah, yeah.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- I used to love that. - Pants as in undergarments? Those sort of pants?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Well, it's a woman who was probably you could regard as almost
0:16:51 > 0:16:54the first celebrity, in a strange sort of way,
0:16:54 > 0:16:57in as much as she wasn't an aristocrat, a politician,
0:16:57 > 0:17:01an artist, a warrior, she had no accomplishment whatsoever.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Katie Price.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Basically, she was...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08That's quite extraordinary.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15She was an 18th-century courtesan, which is not a word we use any more.
0:17:15 > 0:17:20So she really rose to fame in the mid-18th century,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23when she fell off her horse in St James's Park,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25and it was revealed to the astonished onlookers...
0:17:25 > 0:17:27She was going commando.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29She was going commando, she had no underwear.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31There is a picture, which is slightly overdone,
0:17:31 > 0:17:33but it's an example of how famous...
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Slightly missing the crucial aspects as well.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Yeah, exactly, somewhat.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- That's what going commando is? No...no pants?- No pants.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Yeah.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Kitty Fisher, for such was her name. - Kitty Fisher?
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Kitty Fisher. She went commando, and she exploited it enormously.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52And there were snuff boxes produced with pictures of her in them, and...
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Muff boxes?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Well, ah, ah, and...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59- Just for her. - And there were watches,
0:17:59 > 0:18:03called montres lubriques, lubricous watches, which used
0:18:03 > 0:18:05the clockwork to show her doing rather pornographical things, in
0:18:05 > 0:18:08a sort of like a sort of automaton kind of thing, a little movement.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Oh, God, you wouldn't want the grandfather clock with
0:18:11 > 0:18:13a pendulum version, would you?
0:18:13 > 0:18:18No, you certainly wouldn't. She led a sensationally dissolute...
0:18:18 > 0:18:20I don't even know why that's funny.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22No, but it is. We'll just sort of imagine.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- Just don't over-think it.- No. - That's my approach to life.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Her life was sensationally dissolute.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Casanova describes a moment when she ate a 1,000 guinea note,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33with butter spread on it.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37- And 1,000 guineas in those days could buy you, you know, an estate. - The kingdom of...
0:18:37 > 0:18:39It could buy a country house with servants and...
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- I mean it's staggering. - So, she was an idiot.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Well...just incredibly carefree, I suppose you'd describe that.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49She had portraits painted of her by Reynolds,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51the great portraitist of his day, and she, apparently...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54The one in the middle doesn't really look like her.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55No, that... No, that...
0:18:55 > 0:18:58The one in the middle looks like Alan Sugar.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01These are...these are...
0:19:01 > 0:19:05IMITATES ALAN SUGAR: "I started with nothing! I had a van."
0:19:05 > 0:19:09"I have taken... I've taken my wealth and I've swallowed it.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12"And I'll tell you what, you're going to get down on your knees
0:19:12 > 0:19:14"and you're going to wait for that note to come out."
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Is that why she didn't have the knickers on?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19She was waiting for...she was just waiting... That's all it was.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- People thought she was...- Oh! - There it is! There it is!
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Here it comes, I can see the Queen's face!
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- Oh, it's gone back in again.- It was a king in the mid-18th century.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- Oh, was it a king?- Yes.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34So, Reynolds... These are not examples of paintings of her, but she got through
0:19:34 > 0:19:36so many lovers that he had to keep all the paintings he did,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39because a man would say, "I'm in love with Kitty and I want you
0:19:39 > 0:19:42"to do a painting of her," and about halfway through she was onto a new man.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- She was extraordinary. - So he made a flick book.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Basically a flick book of pictures of her. Yeah, she was pretty extraordinary.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Perhaps the first celeb, but like some modern celebs,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53she sometimes forgot to wear any pants.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Name some features you really don't want in a submarine.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Holes.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59You do want holes
0:19:59 > 0:20:03- for the torpedoes and for getting... - I thought I was onto a winner there.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Is it patio doors?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10That's certainly one you probably could do without.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- Something you really, really don't want.- Decking?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17There is a class of British submarine. I think we're seeing the interior.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Gas. You don't want gases in there. Odours.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Absolutely. And there was an occasion...
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Got it - bouncy castle.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Bang! Bang!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- That really is...- A trampoline.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33We have to stick to our letter and we're in the First World War.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Um...something beginning with K. - Kennels!
0:20:38 > 0:20:41There was a K class submarine in the First World War.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43It was British
0:20:43 > 0:20:45and it was...?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Oh, it was...it was entirely soluble!
0:20:49 > 0:20:53That's right. They didn't realise. They built it in a dry dock
0:20:53 > 0:20:55and went, "This is going to be a winner."
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Pss-ssh!
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Oh, no!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01It was made out of berocca!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04It took ages to go!
0:21:04 > 0:21:08All the U-boats went, "There is fizzing on ze horizon!
0:21:09 > 0:21:14"Set the course for a big orangey thing fizzing in the..."
0:21:14 > 0:21:17It was known as the calamity class
0:21:17 > 0:21:19because it was such a disaster.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Almost everything about it was wrong.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24It wouldn't go under the water. It wouldn't come up again!
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Of the 18 built, six were sunk in accidents,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31only one ever engaged an enemy vessel -
0:21:31 > 0:21:35hit it midships with a torpedo but the torpedo didn't go off.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40They key problem was that it had to keep up with a convoy of surface vessels and couldn't go fast enough.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43It needed a steam engine in order to go that fast,
0:21:43 > 0:21:45so it was a steam-engined submarine.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- Wow.- Which meant it needed funnels.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- A really, really, really long funnel? - Yes.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Unfortunately, they found out, when they tried to manoeuvre,
0:21:58 > 0:22:03- seawater poured down the funnels and put the boilers out.- No shit(!)
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- You really think they would've... - Could you hear it coming?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Cos instead of it going, "Toot, toot!",
0:22:08 > 0:22:10it'd go, "Brr-blle, brr-blle, brr-blle!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12It'd sound like a phone going off!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14IMITATES PHONE RINGING
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Hello? This type of phone won't be invented for several years.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24To the future!
0:22:24 > 0:22:29K1 manoeuvred to avoid a sudden turn by the leader of the flotilla,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32HMS Blonde, rather wonderfully named...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34K9 was a floating dog!
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- She flooded her boilers and lost engine power... - ALAN BARKS
0:22:38 > 0:22:41..so her sister sub, K4, piled into her,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44seawater poured in, and it reacted with the batteries
0:22:44 > 0:22:48and produced clouds of chlorine gas,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50and the crew, which was 56 men...
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Wrote a letter of complaint!
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Sternly worded!
0:22:54 > 0:22:58They had to be transferred to the Blonde, which then sunk the K1
0:22:58 > 0:23:00with gunfire, so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Cos the Germans would want to copy it(!)
0:23:03 > 0:23:08- They should have given it to the Germans.- I don't think that was the way they were thinking.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- "Let's actually blow this shit up." - They were so annoyed with it.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13It was also 339 feet long
0:23:13 > 0:23:16and could only dive to 200 feet in depth,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19which meant it would have its tail poking up,
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- which is really stupid!- It'd be easier to get inside a whale!
0:23:23 > 0:23:27It basically would. It basically would.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30So, moving on now, we have some kits.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32What would you use these kits for?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Window cleaning.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38That's the first one. Well, no, they go together.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Scratching a window and then cleaning it.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Well, this has a very specific ecological purpose,
0:23:43 > 0:23:44rather bizarrely.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46A wire-wool brush affair?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48It's a scourer, it's a pan scourer.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Which you get from your average high street pan scourer shop.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56- Indeed.- Yeah.- No-one's ever held a scourer like that. "Arrrgh!"
0:23:56 > 0:24:00- Yeah, they haven't, have they? - "Come and do the dishes. Arrgh!"
0:24:00 > 0:24:02That sounds like a scouring super-hero.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05"By the power of scour!" Also, the man on the right
0:24:05 > 0:24:08doesn't really need the extended squeegee for that.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09No, he doesn't.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13With a little more effort, I think he could have got to the top.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17"I'd better get the extension out. Oooh, that's better!"
0:24:17 > 0:24:21We're in a world of ecology.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- Right.- And we're in a world of the second largest fish in the world, in fact.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Oh, is it getting the barnacles off of a whale?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Fish. Fish.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- Book one, chapter one, line one, QI...- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- Whales are not fish. - Hang on, I didn't finish.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40They train fish, they put scourers on the backs of fish,
0:24:40 > 0:24:44and they have them swim up to whales, which we all know are fish,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47and then they take the barnacles off, smart arse!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Ah! Very good wriggle, very good wriggle!
0:24:50 > 0:24:55They won't come off. The way you get barnacles off of whales is with sarcasm.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59The second-largest fish in the world is...?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- Is it a big squid?- Fish.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- A jellyfish?- A fish!
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- The great white. - Basking. Basking!- Basking!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- The basking shark! - Basking shark.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- For the last time, a basking... - I WANT POINTS!
0:25:13 > 0:25:15In your dreams.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17There it is, with its rather wonderful mouth open.
0:25:17 > 0:25:23- Wow!- Whoa!- Isn't that fabulous? - "I've got a coat hanger stuck in my mouth! Help me!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26"I've got a coat hanger in my mouth!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29"I feel so vulnerable!"
0:25:29 > 0:25:33- It's a beautiful animal and unfortunately...- Not really.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Well, it is. Unfortunately, it's hunted to the verge of extinction.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40So we need to know a lot about them, because they're so in danger,
0:25:40 > 0:25:43and to take a core of their DNA is difficult, you need to...
0:25:43 > 0:25:46It's like tagging them, so what they've come up with is...
0:25:46 > 0:25:51- Is that one being examined now? Is that why he's got his mouth open? - Say "ah".
0:25:51 > 0:25:54No, what you do is you get a window-cleaning rod,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56you shove a pan scourer on the end
0:25:56 > 0:25:59and you scrape off the slime from each particular one,
0:25:59 > 0:26:03which has got its DNA, and you send it to the University of Aberdeen,
0:26:03 > 0:26:07where it's marked and then you check its progress by marking other ones.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Can you not just use the head of the hammerhead?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Because it's the same shape.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Except that it's a different species.
0:26:13 > 0:26:19- It's not the one you're trying to... - No, but I'm saying it's like a squeegee. It's the same shape.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23- You could get an octopus to hold it, like that!- You train one!
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Oh, you train one!
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- You train a hammerhead... - You train an octopus to keep still
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- and the octopus holds it, like that. - Forgive me for being so stupid(!)
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- I should have guessed what you meant(!)- Exactly!
0:26:36 > 0:26:39It makes such zoological sense.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43It comes up under the shark, scrapes along its underside...
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Occasionally, do they swallow slightly smaller sharks?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Yes, I hope they do.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Like Russian dolls - there's 19 in here.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- Just pull them out. - It's a lovely thought. Yeah.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56It's a couple, Graham Hall and his wife Jackie.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Is that the name of that shark?
0:26:58 > 0:27:02- No.- Graham Hall? It's not quite as frightening when you say, "Quick, there's a Graham!"
0:27:02 > 0:27:04- There's a Graham. - Here comes Graham.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06- Graham Hall and his wife Jackie. - Ooh, lovely.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10From the Isle of Man, go out into the Irish Sea and scrape...
0:27:10 > 0:27:13basking sharks with pan scourers.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- Disgusting! Filthy, filthy! - And send the DNA to Aberdeen.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19And it's been jolly useful. It's jolly, jolly useful.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Would anybody like to know how you know that you're being
0:27:23 > 0:27:25followed by a gay shark?
0:27:25 > 0:27:29- Yeah, go on.- How do you know you're being followed by a gay shark?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31HE HUMS: "Jaws Theme"
0:27:31 > 0:27:35CHANGES TO: "Can't Take My Eyes Off You"
0:27:37 > 0:27:42That's very good. I like that. And here's another kit.
0:27:42 > 0:27:48What's that? It's luminous pins and reels of cotton.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50- What would they be used for? - Sewing in the dark.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52That would certainly...
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Disco nanas?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59That is popular.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01HE HUMS
0:28:01 > 0:28:03You know when John Travolta was doing that?
0:28:03 > 0:28:06- Yes. - He had wool around that one...
0:28:07 > 0:28:09HE SINGS: "Staying Alive" by Bee Gees
0:28:09 > 0:28:11"Thanks, love."
0:28:11 > 0:28:15- This was part of the kit of a man called Dr Eric Dingwall.- Oh.
0:28:15 > 0:28:20Dr Eric Dingwall specialised in exposing something.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Not his own dingwall.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25But...?
0:28:25 > 0:28:28The wall of his ding.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Yeah. Fake mediums. In other words, fakes.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32People who pretend that dead people speak.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35- Is it to do with Ouija boards or anything?- Yeah.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37There are people who pretend, quite wrongly,
0:28:37 > 0:28:41that dead people can speak, which they can't, they're dead.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43They won't talk to you, they're dead.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45But there are people, a class of fraud,
0:28:45 > 0:28:48but I'm saying this directly into camera, you are a fraud
0:28:48 > 0:28:53if you are a medium, you are fraudulent, and...
0:28:53 > 0:28:55APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:58 > 0:29:03Hang on, hang on, hang on. My grandad says, "Shut your face."
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Dr Eric Dingwall cunningly used...
0:29:08 > 0:29:11Stop it, Grandad, stop it!
0:29:11 > 0:29:14It's quite weird, because we look like we're in a seance.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Yes, you do actually.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18You always look like you're in a seance!
0:29:18 > 0:29:22Yes, you do, let's be honest. Whoo-oo!
0:29:23 > 0:29:25I'm getting a basking shark.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27What's that?
0:29:27 > 0:29:31You were touched inappropriately by a man called Graham?
0:29:33 > 0:29:36I know someone whose husband passed away,
0:29:36 > 0:29:40and went to see a medium,
0:29:40 > 0:29:44and the medium said, "Your husband is fine, he's with your father."
0:29:44 > 0:29:48And she said, "My father's still alive."
0:29:49 > 0:29:53And she said something along the lines of, "Not for long."
0:29:53 > 0:29:55LAUGHTER
0:29:55 > 0:29:58In an attempt to dig her way out of it!
0:29:58 > 0:30:00- Pathetic.- And it massively worked.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02She still gave her the £40 at the end!
0:30:02 > 0:30:04ALL GASP
0:30:04 > 0:30:06It is extraordinary. Anyway, no, Eric Dingwall
0:30:06 > 0:30:08specialised in exposing mediums,
0:30:08 > 0:30:10and he would tie thread to their legs
0:30:10 > 0:30:14so that he could feel what their bodies were doing in the dark.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17He would also attach luminous pins to them, so again when it was
0:30:17 > 0:30:20dark, he could see where they were moving and what they were doing,
0:30:20 > 0:30:23what machinery they were operating, what tricks they were up to.
0:30:23 > 0:30:24Looking at that picture,
0:30:24 > 0:30:26it looks to me like there are probably too many hands.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29- I haven't counted, but... - LAUGHTER
0:30:29 > 0:30:32I feel like there are too many, don't you?
0:30:32 > 0:30:34I think those hands are on the table, aren't they?
0:30:34 > 0:30:38- Part of the table.- It spins round and you just get a pair.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43None of those people in that room have got hands.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46They're trying to contact the dead, but that girl looks dead.
0:30:47 > 0:30:51I might have got off with about four years ago.
0:30:51 > 0:30:56- In a club in Camden.- It's your look! - Isn't that you in drag?
0:30:56 > 0:30:59I've seen you with that amount of goth make-up on,
0:30:59 > 0:31:02I have to say, Noel. It's definitely a very you look.
0:31:03 > 0:31:08So, what comes flat-packed and takes four months to assemble?
0:31:10 > 0:31:12IKEA dining table.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14KLAXON
0:31:16 > 0:31:19I'm afraid, sorry, sorry.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22Is it going to be something enormous like a space shuttle or something?
0:31:22 > 0:31:26Well, it was jolly big and it was modular and it was genius.
0:31:26 > 0:31:31- It was in the 1850s in Britain. It was war.- Was it France?
0:31:31 > 0:31:33We weren't at war with France, amazingly, in the 1850s.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36No, I meant France in a flat-pack.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38- I see!- Flat-pack enemy!
0:31:40 > 0:31:43- Erect your own enemy in only four months!- It wasn't that.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46With whom were we at war in the 1850s?
0:31:46 > 0:31:49- Down in the...Crimea? - Crimea. It was the Crimean War.
0:31:49 > 0:31:53- And who was the most famous figure really, apart from, I suppose... - Florence Nightingale.
0:31:53 > 0:31:57Florence, as you rightly said, Nighting, as you pointed out, Gale.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00- There she is.- Flatpack foreign. - Flatpack foreign.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03She was furious at the conditions. She thought they were dreadful.
0:32:03 > 0:32:07And she demanded of the British Army that they produce a proper hospital.
0:32:07 > 0:32:10And so the finest engineer of his day, possibly finest engineer
0:32:10 > 0:32:16who ever lived, designed in just six days a modular, flatpack hospital.
0:32:16 > 0:32:17- Oh.- Brunel.
0:32:17 > 0:32:21Isambard Kingdom, as you rightly said, Brun, as you pointed out, El.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23LAUGHTER
0:32:23 > 0:32:24When they set it up, they went,
0:32:24 > 0:32:27"Oh, it's a school. We've got the wrong one!"
0:32:28 > 0:32:32"This is ridiculous. It's a dance hall, you idiot!"
0:32:32 > 0:32:34They set it up and there was a piece missing.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36They had to take it back.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40We can actually see a picture of the...
0:32:40 > 0:32:43There they are. And what's brilliant is that you could add to them.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46So it started off with one which fitted about 500,
0:32:46 > 0:32:49- and ended up with 1,000 patients. - What, in that?
0:32:49 > 0:32:52No, you added another module. That's the point.
0:32:52 > 0:32:57When he was 36, Brunel was doing a party trick for his children
0:32:57 > 0:33:00and he nearly choked on a half-sovereign coin.
0:33:00 > 0:33:05- But it stayed in his throat.- For 40 years.- No! For quite some time.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07And they had to do a tracheotomy,
0:33:07 > 0:33:09they had to cut his throat so he could breathe.
0:33:09 > 0:33:13And they tried pulling it out with forceps, and that didn't work,
0:33:13 > 0:33:16so he designed his own rack on which he would go upside down
0:33:16 > 0:33:19and they then slapped him very hard on the back for a while
0:33:19 > 0:33:20and eventually it came out!
0:33:20 > 0:33:23He should have just dropped his trousers
0:33:23 > 0:33:25and then put his arm down like that.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27Kajing kajing kajing!
0:33:27 > 0:33:30Did he need some money for a phone call, or something?
0:33:30 > 0:33:33He was just showing a trick where a coin disappeared,
0:33:33 > 0:33:35- presumably put in his mouth and... - It was a hell of a trick,
0:33:35 > 0:33:38because when the coin went in, didn't have his face on it.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40LAUGHTER
0:33:40 > 0:33:42So, on the subject of flatpacks, though,
0:33:42 > 0:33:44and IKEA, which you mentioned, Colin,
0:33:44 > 0:33:46can you give me within five years
0:33:46 > 0:33:49when the flatpack was invented for the purposes of furniture?
0:33:49 > 0:33:53- IKEA flatpack?- Yeah.- 1980...
0:33:53 > 0:33:54Hopeless. No.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01- 56.- That was my second guess! - Take the pen out of your lips.
0:34:01 > 0:34:02Thank you.
0:34:02 > 0:34:03Yeah, it was 1956.
0:34:03 > 0:34:07There's Mr IKEA, or whatever his name is, the founder of the company.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10Ian Kevin Edward Aldershot.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12ONE MAN CHEERS
0:34:12 > 0:34:14Ooh! There's an Ian Kevin Edward Aldershot,
0:34:14 > 0:34:16by amazing coincidence, in the audience!
0:34:16 > 0:34:20That's Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of the IK bit.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22Ingvar Kamprad.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25So who was Ian Aldershot, then?
0:34:25 > 0:34:28That was you who raised Aldershot, don't look at me!
0:34:28 > 0:34:30But it was one of his employees,
0:34:30 > 0:34:32one of their first salesman, Gillis Lundgren.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35He accidentally fell on a table, and went, "Oh, shit!"
0:34:36 > 0:34:40Then he went, "Don't worry, it's flatpack! I've done it on purpose!"
0:34:40 > 0:34:43Well, almost. He took the legs off in order to transport it in a car,
0:34:43 > 0:34:45and then had a sort of lightbulb moment and thought,
0:34:45 > 0:34:47"That's rather good, we can sell it that way,
0:34:47 > 0:34:50"put all the bodywork in the hands of the people who buy it!"
0:34:50 > 0:34:53I've got an IKEA table and chairs, it's lasted me 21 years.
0:34:53 > 0:34:57Really? Colour me impressed. That's very good.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00Where is the world's largest branch of IKEA?
0:35:00 > 0:35:04- Wembley.- No.- Australia?- Yes.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07- Which city? You'll be annoyed. - Sydney.- Yes, Sydney.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10- As a Melbourner, you'll be annoyed. - Great city! Lovely people.
0:35:10 > 0:35:14Yes, he said through clenched teeth. I've never seen clencheder teeth.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Charming. Absolutely, yes.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18The world's largest is said to be in Sydney.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21I was actually, I went and did some gigs there, in Sydney,
0:35:21 > 0:35:23and I played the opera house,
0:35:23 > 0:35:25and I was in the opera house doing some press,
0:35:25 > 0:35:27and I looked out the window, thinking,
0:35:27 > 0:35:30"Where's the opera house?" LAUGHTER
0:35:30 > 0:35:33Actually scanning the horizon. "Where's the opera house gone?"
0:35:33 > 0:35:36"You're in it, you idiot!" Oh, yeah!
0:35:36 > 0:35:39You should've gone like this - "Whoa!"
0:35:39 > 0:35:42It's so refreshing that the biggest IKEA is in Sydney,
0:35:42 > 0:35:45because whenever there's something big in Australia,
0:35:45 > 0:35:48- we say it's the biggest in the southern hemisphere.- Yes.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50In fact, it probably isn't the biggest in the world,
0:35:50 > 0:35:53- I suspect it is the biggest in the southern hemisphere.- The IKEA.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56You go to a hotel and they go, "biggest swimming pool in the southern hemisphere!"
0:35:56 > 0:35:59- The IKEA in Sydney is the biggest in Sydney.- Yes, it is that!
0:35:59 > 0:36:02The best whatever is in, have you been to Narrandera,
0:36:02 > 0:36:05where they've got the southern hemisphere's
0:36:05 > 0:36:07second-largest playable guitar?
0:36:07 > 0:36:08LAUGHTER
0:36:08 > 0:36:11"We've got the world's biggest guitar! No, it's not.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14"Playable guitar. Southern hemisphere.
0:36:14 > 0:36:15"They've what?
0:36:15 > 0:36:18"The southern hemisphere's second-largest playable guitar."
0:36:18 > 0:36:23You can see the sign's been crossed out and crossed out and crossed out.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26So, moving on. Now it's time for a bit of General Ignorance,
0:36:26 > 0:36:29so fingers on buzzers please. What was a Roman soldier's salary?
0:36:29 > 0:36:32- Wine, prostitutes? - The outfit, just the outfit.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35- Audience?- Forty quid a week.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38- AUDIENCE MEMBERS: SALT. - Salt, oh, dear! - KLAXON BLARES
0:36:38 > 0:36:41Audience, minus points.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43Losers!
0:36:43 > 0:36:45Whoa, ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:36:46 > 0:36:48Is there joy in trapping the audience there?
0:36:48 > 0:36:51Yes, it's true that the word derives from the Latin for salt,
0:36:51 > 0:36:54but it is never true that they were paid in salt.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57The money would go towards the buying of salt, but also towards the
0:36:57 > 0:37:01buying of their uniform, the buying of almost everything else, because,
0:37:01 > 0:37:03a bit like British officers, they have to buy everything
0:37:03 > 0:37:06themselves out of their salary.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08But they were never paid in salt.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10We're getting paid in salt though, aren't we?
0:37:10 > 0:37:12You're getting paid in salt, oh, yes. Oh, yes.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15- Kitty litter. - And kitty litter, in fact.
0:37:15 > 0:37:19Yeah, the Romans, in fact, planted vineyards, as you may know,
0:37:19 > 0:37:20in parts of Britain, so here's a question.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23Where does British wine come from?
0:37:23 > 0:37:26- Somerset.- Somerset, no.
0:37:26 > 0:37:27- Kent.- No.
0:37:27 > 0:37:28Kendal?
0:37:28 > 0:37:31Kendal, no. Which country does it come from?
0:37:31 > 0:37:32France.
0:37:32 > 0:37:33It might do.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36The point is, British wine is made from grape concentrate,
0:37:36 > 0:37:38which comes from abroad.
0:37:38 > 0:37:42Whereas English wine is proper English wine from English vineyards.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44And so English wine gets a very bad reputation,
0:37:44 > 0:37:47because people have tried British wine and think it's the same,
0:37:47 > 0:37:50and it isn't. Just to big it up for English wine.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52That's not uncommon, though - when the French had a lot of wine
0:37:52 > 0:37:55they would ship tankers of it down to Australia, for example,
0:37:55 > 0:37:58and they'd use it. Because people stopped buying French wine
0:37:58 > 0:38:00- because they didn't understand it. - That's the problem,
0:38:00 > 0:38:03because it didn't have the varietal labelling.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06- Of course, here, we just have dry or sweet.- Yes!
0:38:06 > 0:38:09Which is an improvement on your old definition,
0:38:09 > 0:38:11which was just red or white.
0:38:11 > 0:38:15- Or warm or hot. - Warm or hot, yeah!
0:38:15 > 0:38:16Good or shit.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19- We've made giant strides. - In a box or in a bottle.
0:38:20 > 0:38:25Ooh, a bottle, fancy! He's a bit up himself!
0:38:25 > 0:38:27- He's got a corkscrew!- Yeah.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30The point is, British wine, unfortunately,
0:38:30 > 0:38:32has besmirched the good name of English wine.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34There is a very good sparkling wine that won a big prize,
0:38:34 > 0:38:36- it beat all the French ones. They didn't like it.- No.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38There are over 400 vineyards in Britain now,
0:38:38 > 0:38:41and maybe global warming will see an increase in that.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43But certainly in Roman days, in the medieval warm period,
0:38:43 > 0:38:46as it's called, wine was commonly made there.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49So, anyway, English wine comes from England,
0:38:49 > 0:38:50but British wine can come from anywhere.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52And now...
0:38:52 > 0:38:53This is where it gets scary,
0:38:53 > 0:38:58I'm going to try and impress you with my martial art skills.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00- Really?- Karate.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02Let's break stuff with our bare hands,
0:39:02 > 0:39:03and we're going to begin with you.
0:39:03 > 0:39:07- You should have a piece of paper and a ruler.- Yes.
0:39:07 > 0:39:11And what I want you to do is put the ruler on the table,
0:39:11 > 0:39:13two-thirds of the way, something like that,
0:39:13 > 0:39:15and put the paper on top of it.
0:39:15 > 0:39:16Mm.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19Like so. Not wholly over it, leave the bit out.
0:39:19 > 0:39:20That's it.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22Yeah, Colin's got it right. Thank you, Colin.
0:39:22 > 0:39:24- Yes.- OK. Very good.- All right.
0:39:24 > 0:39:27Now, without putting your hand over the paper...
0:39:27 > 0:39:28That's how he got that award.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32..simply karate chop and break the piece of wood,
0:39:32 > 0:39:35because the air pressure over the paper will act as a...
0:39:35 > 0:39:38You think that can't be possible, so, Colin, you try.
0:39:38 > 0:39:39- Really?- Yep.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42- Oh! - APPLAUSE
0:39:42 > 0:39:44Isn't that surprising?
0:39:45 > 0:39:47CHEERING
0:39:50 > 0:39:51Who'd have thought?
0:39:54 > 0:39:56Who would have...?
0:39:56 > 0:39:59And I didn't believe you, so I really put my shoulder into it.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01- Yeah, you have to, a nice bit of follow-through.- Yeah.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03Alan, you have a go.
0:40:03 > 0:40:04Yeah - oh, well it is in half,
0:40:04 > 0:40:07you can see, but it slipped out, unfortunately.
0:40:07 > 0:40:08Go on, Ross.
0:40:09 > 0:40:10- Is it in half?- Yeah!
0:40:13 > 0:40:14Noel next. All right, Noel.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18- Yah!- Ah!
0:40:18 > 0:40:20There it is.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22It's very surprising.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24- It feels good though, doesn't it? - It feels good.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27- You feel like Bruce Lee for about four seconds.- Now, I...
0:40:27 > 0:40:29What I'm going to do is, I've got three bricks here.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31HE GRUNTS WITH EFFORT
0:40:31 > 0:40:34And it is, ahh...
0:40:34 > 0:40:37It's like the first ever game of Jenga.
0:40:37 > 0:40:38It is.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42All right, OK.
0:40:42 > 0:40:43Yep.
0:40:43 > 0:40:47- It's Kendal Mint Cake. - Kendal Mint Cake. OK.
0:40:47 > 0:40:49Oh, God...
0:40:49 > 0:40:51I have to focus my energy.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53I know, it's... All right, it sounds...
0:40:53 > 0:40:55But I have to focus.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58Have to go through... I have to - oh, God.
0:40:58 > 0:40:59I'm so nervous now.
0:41:01 > 0:41:02Ah!
0:41:02 > 0:41:04Ooh...
0:41:04 > 0:41:08CHEERING
0:41:08 > 0:41:10Ow! Didn't get them all.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15Last time I got them all.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17OK. But, even more...
0:41:17 > 0:41:19Oh, I've got another one.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21Another load here and this time, in theory...
0:41:21 > 0:41:23You're going to do it with your penis.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Ah-ha-ha!
0:41:25 > 0:41:27In theory here... Ow.
0:41:28 > 0:41:29Er...
0:41:31 > 0:41:34So, choose top, middle or bottom.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36- Middle.- Oh, no!
0:41:36 > 0:41:37OK.
0:41:37 > 0:41:39I'll try and break just the middle, then.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42I'll bet you Chuck Norris is crapping himself.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44I'm going to try and break just the middle one.
0:41:44 > 0:41:48Again, this takes extreme focus and extreme pain.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51(Go through.)
0:41:53 > 0:41:54I just don't want to do this.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56You don't want to do it again.
0:41:56 > 0:41:58Oh!
0:41:58 > 0:42:00CHEERING
0:42:03 > 0:42:05That was the middle one.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07Oh, thank you very much indeed.
0:42:08 > 0:42:10Thank you.
0:42:10 > 0:42:11Ow.
0:42:13 > 0:42:15I can't believe I've put my hood on
0:42:15 > 0:42:18in case there were shards flying around.
0:42:18 > 0:42:21What, shards of his splintering wrist?
0:42:21 > 0:42:23Kendal Mint Cake.
0:42:23 > 0:42:26The truth is, there's no mystique to karate-chopping bricks,
0:42:26 > 0:42:29just good old physics, and in our case, to be honest, trick bricks.
0:42:29 > 0:42:32So don't try and do it at home.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35I'm still very strong and hench and butch, though.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39But anyway, it must be time for the scores.
0:42:39 > 0:42:42And it is fantastic.
0:42:42 > 0:42:48In first place, wow, with a plus four, is Ross Noble.
0:42:48 > 0:42:49Yeah!
0:42:54 > 0:42:56The Noble Prize.
0:42:58 > 0:43:01In second place, with a plus one, Noel Fielding.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07How did that happen?
0:43:07 > 0:43:08There's been a mistake.
0:43:08 > 0:43:10It's incredible.
0:43:10 > 0:43:13In third place, with minus six, Alan Davies!
0:43:13 > 0:43:17Thank you very much. Great.
0:43:18 > 0:43:23And certainly worth the airfare, in fourth place with minus nine,
0:43:23 > 0:43:25- it's Colin Lane.- Yeah!
0:43:27 > 0:43:28But...
0:43:29 > 0:43:35But, in last place, with minus ten, the Audience.
0:43:37 > 0:43:39Hey!
0:43:39 > 0:43:41Well.
0:43:44 > 0:43:47And it only remains for me to thank Noel, Ross, Colin and Alan.
0:43:47 > 0:43:50Whatever you do, keep your kit on. Good night.
0:43:53 > 0:43:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd