0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:34Well, GOOD...evening!
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:37 > 0:00:41where tonight, we're cavorting with the K-folk.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Please welcome the kind-hearted Katherine Ryan!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:52The keen-eyed Josh Widdicombe!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:58The king-sized Phill Jupitus!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:06And kiss my keister if it isn't Alan Davies!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:14And tonight, their buzzers have a story to tell.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Katherine goes...
0:01:15 > 0:01:19CAVALRY TRUMPET
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Josh goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22WA-WA-WA!
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Phill goes...
0:01:23 > 0:01:25DRUM AND CYMBAL
0:01:25 > 0:01:26And Alan goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:29SAWING
0:01:33 > 0:01:37CREAKING AND CRASH
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I hope you were sitting the right side of the branch, Alan.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41So we start in the Kalahari. So tell me,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43how did the meerkat cross the road?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Carefully. That's not a life-sized one, is it?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50That's not... Well, it is a life-sized one.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51I'd say it was in the foreground,
0:01:51 > 0:01:53except there's a bit of road before it.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- Yes, it's confusing, isn't it? - It's just a very tiny car.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57It is, it's a little dinky car.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Do they cross in a group?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Like, you know when you see those kids
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- in the reflective jackets...- Yes.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06..snaking across the road with some sort of handler?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I think that's what children have.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Well, meerkats are, despite their cutesy-cutesy reputation,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15they're pretty mean, fierce animals.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18And they have levels of superiority.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21And the leading meerkat sends across
0:02:21 > 0:02:24the less important meerkat to test the road.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- Amazing. - And it's the youngsters...
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- That'll be you tonight, Josh. - Do you want me to test it tonight?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- It's your children... - It's your first time,
0:02:31 > 0:02:32you have to cross the set.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- Unbelievably, it's the children they send.- The children?!
0:02:37 > 0:02:38They send their little children.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Once again, that'll be me tonight.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Well, we do the same, we do the same with buggies.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Right? You push that, that's straight out into the road before you.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47So, what are they testing?
0:02:47 > 0:02:48That it's not going to get hit by a car?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Yeah, exactly. That it's safe.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53And if the youngsters get gobbled, they go, "Oh, I'm not going there."
0:02:53 > 0:02:54But do they not understand
0:02:54 > 0:02:56that there might be another car in a minute?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Well, it seems odd, but all...
0:03:00 > 0:03:03"No-one's been killed by a car, so we'll all be fine."
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Are the tiny meerkats wearing high-vis jackets
0:03:06 > 0:03:08like human children do,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10or do they just rely on their own gorgeousness?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I think they rely on their own gorgeousness. But the leading,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- the sort of head, not exactly... - ALL: Aw!
0:03:15 > 0:03:16You see, you're all going, "Aw!"
0:03:16 > 0:03:20I don't fancy that one at the bottom's chances, if that's a road.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22No, exactly. He knows he's about to be sent.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25That one behind him is just about to do that.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29You have alpha females with meerkats
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- and, in fact, they kill each other's children.- What?!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Yes, they're pretty nasty animals, when it comes to it, I'm afraid.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- They're not very nice at all. - I hate them.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39They're child murderers, to be perfectly honest.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Here are three young meerkats crossing the...
0:03:41 > 0:03:43HE IMITATES FAST CAR
0:03:43 > 0:03:46IMITATES HORN BEEPING
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Two have spotted the vehicle.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Will the youngest one...?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Barry did not.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Unfortunately, because of the adverts,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03a lot of people have bought them as pets.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05And they very soon abandon them because they're smelly,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08they're aggressive and they attack people they don't know.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10But do you know what, these people have never died
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- crossing a road, have they? - No, they haven't. Exactly.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14And the meerkat, always worried
0:04:14 > 0:04:17that someone's about to kick them in the knackers.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20They do have that look too.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24It looks like someone's about to take a free kick, doesn't it?
0:04:24 > 0:04:25It does.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28The only thing that could make that picture even more gorgeous
0:04:28 > 0:04:30would be three tiny pianos.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Meerkats know each other by their calls individually
0:04:34 > 0:04:37and you can send a meerkat almost insane
0:04:37 > 0:04:40by recording one meerkat's voice that it knows,
0:04:40 > 0:04:41playing it in a certain area
0:04:41 > 0:04:44and then whizzing round to another area and playing it again,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- and it will... - Why would you do such a thing?!
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- It's very mean, but they get utterly baffled by the fact...- Barry!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54How can you be in two places at once?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57There is no meerkat called Barry, by the way, but it's...
0:04:57 > 0:04:58- Oh, come on, there will be.- No.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01But you could do that with a human voice, because we recognise
0:05:01 > 0:05:03everyone through their voices as well, don't we?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- True, but we also know about recordings.- Oh, yeah.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- So they would probably guess. - It's a trick missed.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- Maybe you don't.- There was a time when only one person
0:05:12 > 0:05:15knew about recordings. Ho-ho! He had great fun.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Well, there you go. The meerkat road safety code
0:05:19 > 0:05:21is to send the kids across first.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Now, Alan, why will you never eat my noodles?
0:05:28 > 0:05:29It was bound to happen that this show
0:05:29 > 0:05:32would just become about you two.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Just haven't agreed on a fee, have we?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39If you remember, we're involving people
0:05:39 > 0:05:41from countries beginning with K.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- Kenya.- Well, which have a particular association perhaps with noodles.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- Kent.- Kent!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Famous for the Kentish pasta.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53No... East.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Korea.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Thank you, Josh. In Korea, noodles, of course, are very popular.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Of course.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02"When will I eat your noodles?" means...
0:06:02 > 0:06:05"When are you getting married?" In other words,
0:06:05 > 0:06:06when are you going to be throwing a party
0:06:06 > 0:06:08in which you will serve noodles?
0:06:08 > 0:06:09So it's just a Korean phrase.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- It's like saying, "When are you going to tie the knot?"- Oh.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13When am I going to eat your noodles?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16But you're already married, so I'm not going to eat your noodles,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18and you didn't invite me to your wedding.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- I did invite you, you didn't come. - Oh, that's right.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22LAUGHTER
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I was abroad, of course.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- I was abroad. - Yeah, you know what you were doing,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- you were filming an episode of Bones.- Yes, I was, I was.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35- I've never been so insulted in my life!- I'm so sorry.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38I'm so... Oh, God, how embarrassing. I'm so sorry.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Anyway, that's what it means. Here are some other Korean phrases...
0:06:42 > 0:06:44"The other man's rice cake always looks bigger."
0:06:46 > 0:06:48What would be the British equivalent of that?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49"The grass is always greener."
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Or as my uncle used to say, "The other man's arse is always cleaner."
0:06:54 > 0:06:57"If there are too many ferrymen on a boat,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59"it will sail up a mountain."
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Is that just literal?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Well, yes, it's probably... Maybe.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08If they say that in North Korea, the boat is going up the mountain.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- That's true. - "Too many cooks spoil the broth."
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Too many cocks... Too many cooks spoil the broth.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20"So, Stephen, tell me about your childhood!"
0:07:21 > 0:07:25OK, here's one. "Pummelling a dead monk."
0:07:25 > 0:07:28LAUGHTER
0:07:28 > 0:07:30THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Yeah, but if you've got erectile dysfunction,
0:07:32 > 0:07:34you're pummelling the dead monk!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- "Flogging the dead horse?" - It's flogging a dead horse.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38It's criticising an enemy who's already defeated.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41It's a useless exercise.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46"He worked as if he were tending the grave of his wife's uncle."
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- That's brilliant. - What would that mean?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- I might start using that.- Not much.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- Yes, is the answer. - He did bugger-all.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Because in Korea, it is your duty to tend the graves of your family.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02But the more distant the family, the less attention you give the grave.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04So all he was doing was just, basically,
0:08:04 > 0:08:07sprinkling a little bit of water on the...
0:08:07 > 0:08:08It's only his wife's uncle.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Whereas his grandfather, his father or his mother,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13he'd be putting flowers and giving it great attention.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- So that's what that means. - So like "shagging the dog."
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Not really.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Not really, Katherine.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Is there something you want to share with us?
0:08:21 > 0:08:22"Like shagging the dog?"
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Yeah, like, if you don't work very hard,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26you're just shagging the dog.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Not in this country, madam!
0:08:31 > 0:08:35In this country, when we shag a dog, we know what we're doing.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38And it's pretty hard work, I can tell you.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Not as easy as it looks, I tell you that.
0:08:42 > 0:08:47- So in Canada, you have the phrase "shagging the dog"?- Yeah.- Wow.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Or like, "shagging the sheep," if you want, whatever.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52That's not a phrase.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Again, perfectly common practice over here,
0:08:54 > 0:08:59but not considered a light or unburdensome task.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01It just means, like, having an easy day.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08- There's a lot I have to learn about Canada.- Well, I suppose it's easy
0:09:08 > 0:09:11because with, like, a lady, you have to take her out to dinner
0:09:11 > 0:09:13or woo her a bit, but with a dog,
0:09:13 > 0:09:14it's just like, "Here, boy, come on!"
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Oh, I see.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17You say that, you say that...
0:09:19 > 0:09:21But I'd say once he's here,
0:09:21 > 0:09:23most of the work is still to be done in that situation.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Yes. And I'm thinking it... Oh, let's move on.
0:09:27 > 0:09:33So, "You wouldn't notice even if a friend at the same table died."
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- What can that mean? - The food was delicious.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Absolutely spot-on!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- APPLAUSE - Well done!
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Yeah. The food was so damn good that even if a friend died at the table
0:09:46 > 0:09:49you wouldn't notice, cos you'd... Brilliant, well done!
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- PHILL: That's pretty classy. - That is classy, isn't it? I like it.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Someone dies at the table, you're going, "Could I see the dessert menu?"
0:09:56 > 0:10:00That's how good it was. "My eyebrows are on fire."
0:10:00 > 0:10:04- "I can hardly believe what I've seen."- Nnnn...
0:10:04 > 0:10:05- No?- Aaaa...
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- It... Ears on fire? - "Help me, I'm burning!"
0:10:08 > 0:10:10"I'm in a really desperate situation."
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Yeah, "I'm in a desperate situation."
0:10:12 > 0:10:15"Showing off your wrinkles to a silkworm"?
0:10:16 > 0:10:20You have found a silkworm in your underpants.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Silkworms are pretty wrinkly.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27So if you show your wrinkles to a silkworm, he's going to go,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29"Nah, I can do better than that."
0:10:29 > 0:10:31- So it's like teaching your grandmother to suck eggs.- Oh.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33It's... That's what it means.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38- Imagine how wrinkly a silkworm's knackers are.- Exactly.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41And finally, "He disappeared like a fart through hemp pyjamas."
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I think that one speaks for itself, doesn't it?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51It does. It's a Korean phrase.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53"Awkwardly," basically.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Embarrassingly, awkwardly, not with maximum grace.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Now, who are these men and what did they have for breakfast?
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- The guy there, front left...- Yes?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08..he looks like he's having a Calippo for breakfast.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11He does, doesn't he? He does.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14It's a very early Calippo commercial.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17A very early Calippo commercial, absolutely right.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21They've got the lifestyle element of the Calippo commercial all wrong.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Calippos have changed over the years.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Bizarrely, when first made, they were for poor mining regions.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Well, this is a poor village.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Is that the Dales? Is it Yorkshire, is it in the North?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- It's not, it's remoter. It's British, but remote.- Oh.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37- Is it Devon?- Hebrides.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40The Hebrides is right, and it's the remotest of all of them...
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- Kelp.- ..and the largest. - Seaweed, do they eat seaweed?
0:11:42 > 0:11:43They don't eat seaweed.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46They lived, for a thousand years, this community...
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- On kittens.- On Calippos?!
0:11:49 > 0:11:52For a thousand years, this community was isolated from Britain.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55They lived on gannets and skuas and puffins.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57It's the largest puffin colony in Britain,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00the largest gannet colony in the world.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04- So can you think of the name of the island?- Is it...? No, I can't, no.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06It's St Kilda. St Kilda.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08And who was St Kilda?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I'll give you ten points if you can tell me.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- Patron Saint of Ducks. - Was St Kilda male or female?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15- Male.- Male.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- No.- Female.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21No. No. St Kilda was not a saint.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24It's merely, unfortunately, a sort of...
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Font?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31It's an old Norse word for a shield, "skildir,"
0:12:31 > 0:12:33and it just became St Kilda.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34But it's not a saint at all.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36So it's known as St Kilda.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40And it wasn't until 1930, the last 36 natives of St Kilda
0:12:40 > 0:12:43voluntarily left their ancestral home.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44But, oddly enough,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47they were given jobs in the British Forestry Commission,
0:12:47 > 0:12:52and there hadn't been trees on St Kilda for 1,500 years,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55so none of the St Kildans had ever seen a tree before.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57And they were given jobs in forestry.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "What the fuck is that?!"
0:13:00 > 0:13:02I imagine, I mean, because they're big...
0:13:02 > 0:13:07- Trees are big. - I mean, the reaction - "Argh! Orks!"
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- So did they want to come to Britain? - Sorry?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- When we brought them all over here in the '30s...- Yeah?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- ..weren't they resistant? - No, no, it's voluntary.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17I mean, this was a place that was so windy
0:13:17 > 0:13:21that, literally, sheep were blown off the cliffs.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23It's terribly sad.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26And there was one windy period where for a week afterwards,
0:13:26 > 0:13:27they were all deaf.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I mean, it really... It was a pretty hostile climate.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I'm still very confused,
0:13:32 > 0:13:34cos I feel like until you told me about the wind
0:13:34 > 0:13:37and the dead sheep, it sounded like a beautiful place to live.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- And now, yeah.- Because it's sunny and, like, in the '30s,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41nobody wanted to live here, no offence.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44It now sounds a bit more like Canada, doesn't it, to be honest?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Wahey! Sorry. No, no, no, I'm only kidding.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50And it's like, you know, they had all these delicious birds,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52like the original Nandos. I...
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- I would like to live there.- Yeah.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58I want to find St Kilda and see what they're about.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59I dare say you could visit it.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02What we saw was actually the parliament, the men only, gathering.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- What?- Wow.- That's their parliament, and they talk until...
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Cabinet meeting.- Are they split down the middle by party?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10They talk about what the issues of the day...
0:14:10 > 0:14:12"I'm holding the Calippo, it's my turn to speak."
0:14:16 > 0:14:20The worst thing is that dog in the middle is the Prime Minister.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23PHILL: No, he's the Minister of Forestry.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26No trees and dogs. That's just cruel!
0:14:26 > 0:14:29In the middle of the 19th century the first apple arrived in St Kilda
0:14:29 > 0:14:31which caused absolute astonishment.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Wait until they see the apple tree, they'll go mental!
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Exactly. Wait till they see the trees.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- There's a Disney movie in this, I really love this place. - There is, isn't there?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Were they allowed to have sex with their family?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45I would imagine it was almost inevitable that they would have done, I'm afraid.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I grew up in a remote area. I had four people in my year at school.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- Where?- In Devon, on Dartmoor.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54- Really?- Yeah. Wow, oh, in Widecombe? Or near Widecombe?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Nearby. Two boys, two girls. - Were you home-schooled?- No.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- It'd work.- That was like all the kids around me.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04So this is quite familiar to you, then?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07That's my dad, third from the left.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10And the prison bell went... Was Dartmoor...
0:15:10 > 0:15:11No, no, I was at a school.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- But when a prisoner escapes they ring the bell, don't they? - Yeah, but...
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Did that ever happen? No...
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Well, it's not that loud a bell, so I don't think it happened...
0:15:20 > 0:15:23I don't think my parents would have told me.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Wouldn't it be terrible if it sounded the same as the break bell so you never know...
0:15:28 > 0:15:30"Is it break or serial killer?"
0:15:30 > 0:15:34You'd come in from the playground and there'd be an extra guy in your class that was 40.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Arrows on his suit.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40And you had the little ponies, the Dartmoor ponies?
0:15:40 > 0:15:41- Yeah, miniature ponies. - Oh, wonderful.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Yeah, it's a little bit more romantic than growing up in...
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- Where did you grow up? - I... Barking in...
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- And Chigwell, are we...- Loughton.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Loughton, I beg your pardon. Essex.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56And I was in Norfolk, which has its own charm, and you were in...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- Ontario somewhere? - I'm from a place called Sarnia.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Sarnia?- Yeah. - How far is that from Toronto?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04You just go through a wardrobe...
0:16:04 > 0:16:06LAUGHTER
0:16:08 > 0:16:10APPLAUSE
0:16:10 > 0:16:14"Look, Mr Tumnus, don't do that to the dog!"
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- It's just like that.- Is it near, like, Peterborough, Hamilton,
0:16:19 > 0:16:20those sort of places?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- You know a lot about Canada. - Yes, I do.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I say it's three hours WORSE than Toronto.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Oh. Well, they say of Toronto,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30it's New York run by the Swiss, don't they?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33It's kind of charming, but just a little bit too sterile.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36I hated Switzerland, have you been to Switzerland?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39No, I don't like Switzerland either very much. The Alps are charming.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40I paid seven quid for a cup of tea.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- No?!- Yeah.- Mug.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47A cock up, really.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Anyway, anyway, let's move on.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Where should you go to find Kiev railway station?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Other than Kiev.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- ALAN:- Well, now...- Oh.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Hull, did you say?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Yes, Stephen, Hull!
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- Let the siren go off on Hull... - Nobody's guessed.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Nobody guessed you'd say Hull.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Kettering! Let's work our way through.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- No, no, no... - Is there not one? There must be one.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17There is a Kiev station. It's in a very major city in Russia.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22- Moscow.- Moscow. And it's the station that takes the trains to Kiev.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- ALL: Oh! - So they have a St Petersburg...
0:17:26 > 0:17:29They have a St Petersburg station as well.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32If you want to go to St Petersburg in Moscow, you go to St Petersburg station.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34There's a kind of logic to it.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38A huge number of towns and cities in England have a London Road, for example,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41that go TO London, they're not IN London. London Road isn't in London.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44RUSSIAN ACCENT: This is why I do not understand London. I go there...
0:17:45 > 0:17:52Newcastle is not here! It is in Newcastle, which is stupid.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55That's why the signage has to be so explanatory
0:17:55 > 0:17:59cos the Russians won't help. They don't want to give any customer service over there.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00- Have you been?- They don't.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- RUSSIAN ACCENT:- It's not possible. It's not possible. It's not...
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Read the sign, don't speak to the people.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- True, and, of course... - I was in Red Square, in Moscow,
0:18:07 > 0:18:11and I wanted to have a photo taken, and there was one of those guys
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- with the massive peak caps and the green uniform.- Oh, yes.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I asked, "Would you take a photo of me?"
0:18:15 > 0:18:18And he said, "No".
0:18:18 > 0:18:19They...
0:18:20 > 0:18:22They are very good at being rude.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27"I've been watching you, half an hour, standing there looking pissed off.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29One person's asking for a little thing.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I just went like that, with him in the background.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Very good.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41APPLAUSE
0:18:41 > 0:18:43So, where is the Kremlin?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Oh, I know this.- Yes?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48It's... There's more than one.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Excellent, you're absolutely right
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- because almost every Russian city has a Kremlin.- Does it really?
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Yeah, it's... The fortifying walls originally around a city are a kremlin.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00We know a famous one, which is the one in Moscow,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03but there's one in almost every city you can think of in Russia.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Very good, Josh.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08RUSSIAN ACCENT: I go to Cardiff looking for Tower of London.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Is this country stupid?
0:19:12 > 0:19:17And also, your women pop groups, they on television, not in prison.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Now, there you go. Here's a question...
0:19:20 > 0:19:23If you follow a kulgrinda, where will it get you?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Oh, oh, oh, it's not... No.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- It's not that... Oh, no. - What?- No, that thing...
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- What could you be thinking? - That thing, that application.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- That thing...- I can't imagine what you're talking about.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Yes, you know, you know, you know...
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Turn it on now, how many are in the studio? I bet...
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I imagine your outfit will set it off straightaway, Phill.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46I'm just bear bait.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48This is not, this is nothing to do with...
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- No, it's nothing to do with that? - ..the gay man-on-man action app, no.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53OK.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Kulgrinda is spelt K-U-L-G-R-I-N-D-A.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02It's a rather remarkable thing that exists in the Baltic.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Particularly in Lithuania,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07but also in Kaliningrad.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08A naturally occurring phenomenon?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11No, it's a man-made phenomenon, which is a very cunning way
0:20:11 > 0:20:12of deceiving your enemies,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15running away from them, or causing them to drown.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Making a misty fog thing?
0:20:17 > 0:20:18No. What you do is
0:20:18 > 0:20:23you make stepping stones that are under the water...
0:20:23 > 0:20:24A cunning thing.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26..which are enough for you to stand on,
0:20:26 > 0:20:28but only you know where they are.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30The really cunning thing is how you lay them.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32In the winter, it's incredibly cold,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35so you get these huge stepping stones, put them in a line
0:20:35 > 0:20:40across the ice, and as the ice melts, they drop and form a line.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43And if they're big enough, you can actually drive a coach over them.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46I mean, you've got to be pretty sure you're going to be chased soon,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48to go to that trouble.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51The Estonians and Kaliningradians were pretty often at war.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- There was a lot of war going on. - It'll happen this year.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56"I think we will be chased in the summer."
0:20:56 > 0:20:58They were often invaded.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02"Which way shall we go? Over the river..."
0:21:04 > 0:21:07"I'm going to make a kulgrinda, will you help?"
0:21:08 > 0:21:11"Only if you're certain about this chase.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13"Tell me more about it, who's involved?"
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Basically, you set it up
0:21:16 > 0:21:19and then you start a game of 'It' in about June.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23RUSSIAN ACCENT: I tried to walk across River Thames,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25they don't have kulgrinda, it's stupid.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I hate this country.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31That is very similar - your Lithuanian accent - to your Russian accent, by the way.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36- They're really... Did you not here the "eell, eell, eell"?- Ah, yes.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39The most famous one is the Sietuva swamp,
0:21:39 > 0:21:43which the Lithuanian explorer Ludwik Krzywicki
0:21:43 > 0:21:45navigated by coach in 1903.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47And he wrote that at the deepest point,
0:21:47 > 0:21:49the water was up to the sides of his horse.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52So they're really impressive little things.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55I'd say the most famous one is the one Jesus used.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57That's true.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- To trick everyone in the Bible. - That's true.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03That's very true. But, here's a supplementary question -
0:22:03 > 0:22:06where can you get arrested for wearing a seat belt?
0:22:06 > 0:22:12Oh, is this... Is it... Oh. Is it somewhere where the road is by water?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Well, we're still in the Baltic region.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17In Estonia they have lakes that freeze over
0:22:17 > 0:22:20and there are roads on them, you can drive on them.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24But... And you can see that. And you can drive along them
0:22:24 > 0:22:26because it's 22cm thick, the ice, and it won't give way,
0:22:26 > 0:22:28but you're not allowed to wear a seat belt
0:22:28 > 0:22:31in case you slip over or something and you get trapped.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33So, it's actually safer not to wear a seat belt.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35The other thing... Why would this be?
0:22:35 > 0:22:41You mustn't drive between 25 and 40kph.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Is it like Back To The Future?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- Vroom! - Flame-coloured from your DeLorean!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- You can drive faster? - Yes, you can drive faster or slower,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- but not between 25 and 40. - Not between those?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- Yeah, those particular speeds. - Same speed as a polar bear.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02No, it's a bit like marching over bridges in step.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- Oh, is it to do with... - Oh, it's the vibrations.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07It sets up vibrations that might crack the ice.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- Those particular speeds. - Why wouldn't a faster...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Is it just those speeds, the resonance...
0:23:12 > 0:23:15At those speeds it's the resonance, yeah, just something to do with the frequency.
0:23:15 > 0:23:20Interesting, isn't it? Well, we hope it's interesting, otherwise to hell with this programme.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25The US Antarctic Program, the other side of the world,
0:23:25 > 0:23:26near McMurdo Sound,
0:23:26 > 0:23:29they, every year, construct... What do they construct on the ice?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- I mean, it's... - ALAN:- Massive ice Jenga.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- It's also to do with transport. - Ice plane.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- Well, not an ice plane, but a... - Boat.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- PHILL: An airport.- Yeah, a runway.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45A runway, so they can land their planes at McMurdo.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Yeah, they have to redo it every year.
0:23:47 > 0:23:53- How do they grip it?- It's... Ice, you know, it's not too bad.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55What? Ice isn't too bad to grip?!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- Have you seen Dancing On Ice? - Not that sort of ice.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02- Dancing On Ice is all that sort of... - That's what they said to the pilot.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04"Oh, no, actually, it's not as bad as you think.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07"It's not the sticky ice, it's the other one."
0:24:07 > 0:24:11"We landed two hours ago and we still seem to be going along."
0:24:12 > 0:24:14There's an element of that.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19All right. Now, what is there to say about long-necked Karen?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22She's got lovely eyes.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Yeah, you're always the first to see the nice...
0:24:27 > 0:24:29That's one of those Family Fortunes ones, isn't it?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- We've had this before. - Oh, yes. "Survey said..."
0:24:32 > 0:24:34"Name a bird with a long neck."
0:24:36 > 0:24:38And the bloke goes, "Naomi Campbell."
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- This is clearly not Naomi.- No, Emu.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Karen is the answer here. Who is this Karen?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Tom Cruise always likes girls, like, tall girls with long necks,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55but then he doesn't let them wear heels around him.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57No, because he is not the tallest man in the world.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Well, then why date the girls with the long necks?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02So they can spot predators.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06- Say again... - Tribe, is it a tribe?- Tribe.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- The Karen tribe.- The Karen tribe.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11"Oh, hello, all right? Lovely to see you."
0:25:11 > 0:25:14"Hiya, you all right?"
0:25:14 > 0:25:17The neighbouring Tracey tribe...
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- ALAN:- Argh!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21- They hate the Traceys. - "Stay away from Gary!"
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Here come the Garys.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- HE GRUNTS - "Bovered?"
0:25:31 > 0:25:36But the tribe we're talking about, the Padaung Karen tribe, from...?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- Do they put rings round the...? - Exactly, let's have a look at them.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- Extending over time. - There we are, look at that.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- Oh, my word.- Wow! - Wow, isn't that impressive?
0:25:44 > 0:25:48It looks like she's kind of been bred with a Slinky.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53- They're so-called giraffe-necked... - At the end of the day, "Oh!"
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Well, they can't...
0:25:54 > 0:25:57LAUGHTER
0:26:02 > 0:26:06"Beryl, Beryl, why are the curtains on the...? Oh."
0:26:07 > 0:26:09You know when you have a jack-in-the-box ready to go?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Oh, yes.- P-ding!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Maybe that's what would happen, rather than go down, it just goes...
0:26:16 > 0:26:21The surprising thing is that X-rays show that their necks...
0:26:24 > 0:26:26They can't have any more vertebrae, can they?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29No. X-rays show their necks are not longer than normal people's.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- So what's going on? - It's just that we're all hunchy.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34That does look quite long, but it's actually what's lower
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- is the collarbone, or are the collarbones.- Wow.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38They're supposed to wear them until they get married,
0:26:38 > 0:26:40but a lot of them keep them on forever.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42It's a sign of beauty, traditionally,
0:26:42 > 0:26:46although it's supposed also to protect them against tigers,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49who will attack them by the neck. That's one theory.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50That is great, I always thought,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53OK, maybe they're sacred, all right, it looks pretty...
0:26:53 > 0:26:57- Tigers! I'm totally with it now. - Yeah, it's tiger-proof.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- Put those around your neck. - Exactly.- All right.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Most of them now live in Thailand, having fled Burma,
0:27:02 > 0:27:04and you can pay to go and see them.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07There's another nearby tribe, who also wear brass coils,
0:27:07 > 0:27:13not only around their necks, but around their lower knees and arms.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17I don't think this is so mad, really. I think... I get it with the tigers
0:27:17 > 0:27:20and here, you've got Katy Price doing loads of crazy stuff
0:27:20 > 0:27:23to her body and all her friends, and they look lovely,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26but they're, like, orange and they've got fake hair and fake nails,
0:27:26 > 0:27:30- how is this worse?- You're absolutely right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32APPLAUSE Yeah, girls, yeah.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Points to Katherine, naturally, for that good observation.
0:27:35 > 0:27:40Now, just how badly wrong could a house-warming go in one of these?
0:27:42 > 0:27:46- Nice house. - That man is a big fan of the show.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53Let's see the rest of him, go on, it's past the watershed.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57- The house doesn't look warm at all to me, it looks cold in there. - It does look cool in there.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00All of his guests have to arrive by helicopter.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02"Doreen, I love squirrels, what can I say?"
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- Well, we've looked at the Karen tribe...- Is this real?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09This is another tribe, these are the Korowai tribe.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13They're a New Guinea tribe who live entirely in tree houses.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16They are the only people in the world, apart from the Kombai,
0:28:16 > 0:28:19another tribe, who also live only in tree houses.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Each house lasts on average about five years
0:28:22 > 0:28:24and then they rebuild somewhere else.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27They take their pets up, everything, and that's where they live.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30How do they go to the toilet?
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Well, the long drop, I guess, is the answer.
0:28:32 > 0:28:37- What? You're walking past... - Yes! Don't walk past is the answer.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39They are roofed with leaves from branches,
0:28:39 > 0:28:43like a house you'd see anywhere, to stop the rain getting in and...
0:28:43 > 0:28:46With a little pediment, it's very splendid.
0:28:46 > 0:28:47Once installed, though,
0:28:47 > 0:28:50they celebrate by lighting a ceremonial fire,
0:28:50 > 0:28:53the whole thing's made of wood,
0:28:53 > 0:28:56but it's kept safe by suspending the fireplace in a hole in the floor,
0:28:56 > 0:28:59and if the fire gets too big it just drops down to the ground.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01- You'd think it would set fire to the struts.- Burn the whole forest.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Yeah! but it seems to work,
0:29:03 > 0:29:06they've been doing it for a very, very long time.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09One of the marvellous things about them is they had no idea at all
0:29:09 > 0:29:15that there were any other human beings in the world until 1970.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17That is pretty astonishing.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20Anyway, the Korowai have open fires in their houses,
0:29:20 > 0:29:23even though they're made entirely of wood and 30m off the ground.
0:29:23 > 0:29:24Now, where's the best place to keep
0:29:24 > 0:29:28a load of old rubbish from the 1980s?
0:29:28 > 0:29:30- My loft.- Your loft?!
0:29:30 > 0:29:33No, this is a story you're not likely to know,
0:29:33 > 0:29:36but it is a 16-year voyage of a ship.
0:29:36 > 0:29:42It's called the Khian Sea, trying to offload rubbish from Pennsylvania.
0:29:42 > 0:29:46In 1986, it was loaded with 15,000 tons of non-toxic ash,
0:29:46 > 0:29:49bound for dumping in the Bahamas. But they said no,
0:29:49 > 0:29:52so they went to Puerto Rico, Bermuda, the Dominican Republic,
0:29:52 > 0:29:55Honduras, Guinea-Bissau and the Netherlands Antilles.
0:29:55 > 0:29:56They all said no.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59Then they cunningly re-classified the cargo
0:29:59 > 0:30:02as "topsoil fertiliser"
0:30:02 > 0:30:05and managed to get rid of 4,000 tons of it in Haiti.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08And then they were rumbled and sent packing.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11So they then went to Senegal, Cape Verde, Yugoslavia, Sri Lanka,
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Indonesia and the Philippines.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17And then Singapore, where she was found to be empty.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19And then the captain and the ship's executives admitted
0:30:19 > 0:30:23they'd dumped the ash at sea and were jailed.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25And at the insistence of Haiti,
0:30:25 > 0:30:31the ship had to go back to pick up the 4,000 tons they'd left behind.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34So eventually, Pennsylvania, where it originated from,
0:30:34 > 0:30:39took it back, and in 2002, 16 years later,
0:30:39 > 0:30:43it was off-loaded and taken by train to a landfill just 120 miles
0:30:43 > 0:30:45where it had originally come from.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48How impressive is that?
0:30:48 > 0:30:51I quite like the idea of that boat sailing around
0:30:51 > 0:30:53and the captain, with a teaspoon, just going...
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Like in a prison yard, bring it out of the bottom of his trousers.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07And the amazing thing is, it wasn't toxic,
0:31:07 > 0:31:09it's just people didn't want American rubbish...
0:31:09 > 0:31:12Don't say anything. Erm...
0:31:12 > 0:31:16- How does ash go away?- You landfill.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18- That's it?- Yeah.
0:31:18 > 0:31:22Eco-friendly Sweden uses so much waste
0:31:22 > 0:31:27to power its generators that it actually has to import rubbish.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31And Norway pays Sweden to take 80,000 tons a year,
0:31:31 > 0:31:33which Sweden then turns into power
0:31:33 > 0:31:35and then they send the ash back to Norway for landfilling.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39- So why don't we all do that? - Why? Exactly. Good old Sweden.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43- Let's hear it for the Swedes. Yay! - APPLAUSE
0:31:46 > 0:31:47They're good, we like the Swedes.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49One of the Maldives, unfortunately, Thilafushi,
0:31:49 > 0:31:53is an artificial island made entirely out of rubbish, which is really distressing.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56The country's residents and tourists produce so much garbage,
0:31:56 > 0:31:59the island is growing by one square metre a day.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03- That is really, really upsetting, isn't it?- Ay, Chihuahua!
0:32:03 > 0:32:05I haven't been recycling for the last month because...
0:32:05 > 0:32:08- PHILL GASPS - I saw your face then, I was like... - Yeah.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11..Cos someone stole my recycling bin from outside the front of my house.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14- Oh!- Which I don't know what the morals are on that crime.
0:32:14 > 0:32:18Are they good for sledding? I bet they're great for sledding.
0:32:19 > 0:32:20Was it you?
0:32:20 > 0:32:22I just got the lid.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26Were you luging on Josh's lid?
0:32:28 > 0:32:30- How wrong of you, how wrong of you. - What did you just say?!
0:32:30 > 0:32:31Luging.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34- That's when you go...- Yeah, but it's just that combination of words.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36- I know, well, that's what we like. - Yeah.- Yes.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38- It's fun.- Delicious.
0:32:38 > 0:32:42There's a shop at the end of my road that takes clothing
0:32:42 > 0:32:44and they send it to Africa
0:32:44 > 0:32:46and they give you money for it, and I was thinking,
0:32:46 > 0:32:48"Great, I've got lots of designer baby items,"
0:32:48 > 0:32:52and so, I brought all this stuff down, like cute little things,
0:32:52 > 0:32:53I'm showing them to the guy...
0:32:53 > 0:32:58He doesn't care what it is, he just cares about how much of it there is.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01- In weight or volume? - They weigh it, so if you've got, like, big old trousers,
0:33:01 > 0:33:05you get more money than if you've got beautiful little baby stuff.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07- And where's this shop?- It's right...
0:33:08 > 0:33:14I took some stuff to my local charity shop, some clothes,
0:33:14 > 0:33:17and I've become increasing irate
0:33:17 > 0:33:19that I haven't made the window display yet.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23Yes, never give a gift you've been given to a charity shop,
0:33:23 > 0:33:26cos that will go in the window and your friend who gave it to you will pass it.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29- Believe me, I've done it. - Buy it and give it to you again.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Yes, exactly.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33LAUGHTER
0:33:35 > 0:33:38Oh, dear, and so the whirligig of time brings in its revenges.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41Now, name the nearest Third World country?
0:33:41 > 0:33:44- Oh, steady, we could get into all sorts of trouble.- Yes, you could.
0:33:44 > 0:33:45Oh, hello.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48I'm not going to make any jokes about our near neighbours
0:33:48 > 0:33:52- on this fine island. - Good. Let's just say...
0:33:52 > 0:33:57it's as well that you didn't say Wales, or Scotland.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00I'm too scared to answer.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03Let me give you the original definition of a Third World nation,
0:34:03 > 0:34:05then you'll be less embarrassed, all right?
0:34:05 > 0:34:09- French historian Alfred Sauvy coined...- France!
0:34:09 > 0:34:11ALARM WAILS
0:34:12 > 0:34:16- We jumped the gun. ..coined the phrase...- Oh, Stephen!
0:34:16 > 0:34:21..the Third World, "le monde troisieme," in 1952.
0:34:21 > 0:34:25It meant "states not politically aligned with the USSR or the USA,"
0:34:25 > 0:34:28ie, the Soviet Bloc or with America.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31So any state that wasn't in some way politically aligned
0:34:31 > 0:34:33was called Third World.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35Now, which is the nearest one of those to us?
0:34:35 > 0:34:37France was, although it wasn't a member of NATO,
0:34:37 > 0:34:39- it was politically aligned. - Ireland wasn't, was it?
0:34:39 > 0:34:41Ireland is the right answer.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44- The one I was most afraid of saying. - Oh, there, you see!
0:34:44 > 0:34:47It's only more recently that it became a term meaning poverty.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51And nowadays, of course, it's not a politically correct
0:34:51 > 0:34:54word to use, anyway. We don't say a Third World country, we say...?
0:34:54 > 0:34:57- Developing. - The developing world, exactly.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59We say a vibrant tourist destination.
0:34:59 > 0:35:03Absolutely, bravo! That's exactly what we say.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06- Unspoiled, we say, unspoiled. - Unspoiled, exactly.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09There is Fourth World, however, what does Fourth World refer to?
0:35:09 > 0:35:13- Essex. - LAUGHTER
0:35:13 > 0:35:16You're lucky you can get away with that cos you come from there,
0:35:16 > 0:35:19but the Center for World Indigenous Studies
0:35:19 > 0:35:22says it means, essentially, dispossessed people,
0:35:22 > 0:35:25such as Kurds or Romanies and such like.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27They are Fourth World.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29If you're Irish in Britain there's something you can do
0:35:29 > 0:35:31that you can't do if you're British in Ireland.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33- Piss in the street. - Open a theme pub.
0:35:33 > 0:35:38"Piss in the street!" "Open a theme pub!"
0:35:38 > 0:35:41Riverdance!
0:35:41 > 0:35:44- Yeah, sing in pubs. - No, it's really an important right.
0:35:44 > 0:35:49- Vote?- Vote! Amazingly, Irish citizens living in Britain
0:35:49 > 0:35:52can vote in British general elections.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54British citizens living in Ireland
0:35:54 > 0:35:57cannot vote in Republic of Ireland general elections.
0:35:57 > 0:36:01Now, which country's national anthem is the Land Of The Free?
0:36:01 > 0:36:03America?
0:36:03 > 0:36:06- ALARM WAILS - America is not the right answer, I'm afraid.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08They sing it. Beyonce sang it.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11It's in the lyrics - "The home of the brave and the land of the free," but...
0:36:11 > 0:36:15- Is it somewhere incredibly not free? - No, it's free.- Free-ish?
0:36:15 > 0:36:18It's the only flag of an independent sovereign nation
0:36:18 > 0:36:21that has human beings on it, two of them as a matter of fact.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23- Are they copulating? - They're not copulating.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26If it's any help to you, they're chopping wood.
0:36:26 > 0:36:29- Are they dancing Gangnam Style? - It's one of those freaky islands, isn't it?
0:36:29 > 0:36:32- Oh, it's...- "One of those freaky islands!"- Well, it is!
0:36:32 > 0:36:35One of the lines is, "By the might of truth and the grace of God,
0:36:35 > 0:36:38"no longer shall we be hewers of wood."
0:36:38 > 0:36:40Mordor.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42LAUGHTER
0:36:42 > 0:36:44Give us more clues, we can get this, come on.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46- It was once a British possession... - Belize.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49- Yes!- Come on!- Very good!
0:36:49 > 0:36:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:36:51 > 0:36:54- Very good. - PHILL: Very good.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57Belize, formerly known as British Honduras
0:36:57 > 0:37:00and it says the national anthem is called the Land Of The Free.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03The name of the American national anthem is?
0:37:03 > 0:37:05- ALL:- The Star-Spangled Banner -
0:37:05 > 0:37:08"Oh, say, can you see by the dawn's early light," et cetera, et cetera.
0:37:08 > 0:37:11- Who wrote the words for that, do you know?- Jay Z.
0:37:12 > 0:37:17It was a man called Francis Scott Key and what's interesting about him...
0:37:17 > 0:37:21- Joe Biden is absolutely hating that! - He's not looking happy, is he?
0:37:21 > 0:37:25- And neither is the other guy. - PHILL: "I wanted to sing it!
0:37:25 > 0:37:29"I have a beautiful, piercing alto, yeah."
0:37:29 > 0:37:33Anyway, Francis Scott Key gave his first three names to
0:37:33 > 0:37:35a distant cousin
0:37:35 > 0:37:39who was Francis Scott Key, surname,
0:37:39 > 0:37:42one of the greatest writers of the 20th century.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45- Fitzgerald?- Yes, F Scott Fitzgerald's real name was
0:37:45 > 0:37:48Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald because he was a cousin of the man
0:37:48 > 0:37:50who gave us the words of the Star-Spangled Banner.
0:37:50 > 0:37:55And finally, a really easy one, does the Paris-Dakar Rally
0:37:55 > 0:38:00start in Paris and end in Dakar, or start in Dakar and end in Paris?
0:38:00 > 0:38:04It starts in France and ends in Africa.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07- Oh! - ALARM WAILS
0:38:07 > 0:38:10Sorry. Anybody else?
0:38:10 > 0:38:12- Is it neither?- Yes.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14- Well, I know it ends in Africa... - It doesn't.
0:38:14 > 0:38:15..so I presumed it started in France.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18- It doesn't end in Africa. - Where does it end?
0:38:18 > 0:38:22- In South America.- What?!- What?! - What the heck?!
0:38:22 > 0:38:25No, the Paris-Dakar rally has been held in South America
0:38:25 > 0:38:30for the last five years, since threats in 2007 from Al-Qaeda.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32And so the organisers relocated it in South America.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34- Really?- Absolutely.
0:38:34 > 0:38:39The Mongol Rally starts in England and ends in Ulan Bator,
0:38:39 > 0:38:41which is the capital of Outer Mongolia, as I'm sure you know.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44I'd just take a mobile phone, rather than doing that.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47There, you see the...
0:38:47 > 0:38:49- The problem is, you can't get the signal.- This is 1990.
0:38:51 > 0:38:55It starts in London and ends in Ulan Bator.
0:38:55 > 0:38:56And what route does it take?
0:38:56 > 0:38:58A2.
0:38:58 > 0:39:02- The fact is...- He's not wrong.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04The fact is, any way you want to go. Because there is...
0:39:04 > 0:39:07- A33.- There is no set route, you can just choose to go through...
0:39:07 > 0:39:09- Dover, Folkestone. - ..whichever countries
0:39:09 > 0:39:10will allow you to get through them.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13They don't want to cramp the style of the rallyists.
0:39:13 > 0:39:17In India, there's a very good rally called the Blind Man's Car Rally.
0:39:17 > 0:39:23A 40-mile race in which blind navigators use a Braille map.
0:39:23 > 0:39:27The drivers are sighted, but they must adhere to the directions given
0:39:27 > 0:39:30by their unsighted navigators, who are using Braille.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32Even if they know it's going to be a collision?
0:39:32 > 0:39:34"Left, left, left!"
0:39:37 > 0:39:41Anyway, now we have a Knick-Knack exploding custard powder experiment.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44For something to explode, you need certain things.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46You need something to light -
0:39:46 > 0:39:49in this case, custard powder.
0:39:49 > 0:39:50You need something to light it with
0:39:50 > 0:39:52and you need oxygen.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54But you need a little bit more than that,
0:39:54 > 0:39:56because if I try and light this custard powder, you will see...
0:39:58 > 0:40:00ALAN IMITATES EXPLOSION
0:40:02 > 0:40:04..that nothing happens.
0:40:04 > 0:40:05The trick custard powder, ha-ha!
0:40:05 > 0:40:08I blew his arm off! Ha-ha!
0:40:08 > 0:40:10It doesn't... The whole point is, nothing happens.
0:40:10 > 0:40:12Nothing would happen to that, it's custard, you fool.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14I bet Heston could make it burn.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16Ah. He couldn't in this state.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19- No?- What you need, in order to get something like custard,
0:40:19 > 0:40:24or any powder, even metallic powder, to burn and really burn,
0:40:24 > 0:40:27is one of these ordinary everyday objects like this.
0:40:28 > 0:40:35As you may see, I have a funnel and I have some safety glasses,
0:40:35 > 0:40:37to save my beautiful eyelashes.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41And I have a lighter.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43I miss Jacques Cousteau.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46And I have a pump.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49ALAN IMITATES DIVER'S BREATHING
0:40:49 > 0:40:51I have a pump that rather wants to fall over.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54So we'll just raise this here...
0:40:54 > 0:40:58- HE CONTINUES TO IMITATE DIVER - ..so it doesn't fall over. OK...
0:40:58 > 0:40:59What I'm going to do...
0:40:59 > 0:41:02I don't want to know what you're going to do!
0:41:02 > 0:41:07What I'm going to do is - I'm going to pour the custard powder
0:41:07 > 0:41:10in this funnel. And I'm going to...
0:41:10 > 0:41:12I'm going to present a flame across it.
0:41:12 > 0:41:17- Oh...- Yes. Yes. Be afraid, be very afraid.
0:41:17 > 0:41:21- Can I use Alan as a human shield? - No, you're the shield, you're new!
0:41:25 > 0:41:28- Oh, my God!- Ooh, ho-ho! - There's flame,
0:41:28 > 0:41:31- there's custard powder in there. - "I feel the need!
0:41:31 > 0:41:33"The need for speed!"
0:41:33 > 0:41:36- All I need to do... - Where are you going?!
0:41:36 > 0:41:38Why the fuck am I next to it?!
0:41:38 > 0:41:40I'm going to the pump.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43I'm just going to the pump,
0:41:43 > 0:41:46- because I'm going to pump... - We are now nearer than you!
0:41:46 > 0:41:48Can you see what I'm going to do? I'm pumping air...
0:41:48 > 0:41:52There's just too many double entendres, you pumping custard.
0:41:53 > 0:41:57Stop it. Are your ready for me to pump the custard?!
0:41:57 > 0:41:59Oh, my God, don't do it!
0:41:59 > 0:42:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:01 > 0:42:03All right.
0:42:05 > 0:42:06Oh, God!
0:42:06 > 0:42:09Yes, I'm ready for you to pump your custard.
0:42:09 > 0:42:11I need a countdown from the audience.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14This is not how I wanted to go, I've got to be honest.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17Audience, I want you to count me down from three...
0:42:17 > 0:42:19AUDIENCE: ..two, one,
0:42:19 > 0:42:20go!
0:42:20 > 0:42:23AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:42:24 > 0:42:26Wasn't that dangerous!
0:42:26 > 0:42:29Well, it's quite warm there, actually.
0:42:30 > 0:42:33- Can you feel the heat? - Yeah, I can feel the heat.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36- SHOUTING:- If I'd been sitting there, I could have been igni...
0:42:36 > 0:42:37- QUIETLY:- I could have been ignited.
0:42:37 > 0:42:40You could have been covered in hot custard.
0:42:44 > 0:42:48I told you before you did this experiment!
0:42:48 > 0:42:53Which hot and exciting experiment brings me
0:42:53 > 0:42:55to the little matter of the scores.
0:42:55 > 0:42:58And they are fascinating.
0:42:58 > 0:43:01In last place, although he's played it so many times,
0:43:01 > 0:43:03with minus nine, is Phill Jupitus.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05APPLAUSE
0:43:10 > 0:43:14A highly creditable third place, with minus eight, Katherine Ryan.
0:43:14 > 0:43:17APPLAUSE Wow!
0:43:19 > 0:43:24First appearance, second place, with minus seven, it's Josh Widdicombe.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26APPLAUSE
0:43:26 > 0:43:30Ladies and gentlemen, can you believe your ears?
0:43:30 > 0:43:3414 points, in the lead, with plus seven, is Alan Davies!
0:43:34 > 0:43:36CHEERING
0:43:42 > 0:43:48Enormous thanks to Katherine, Phill, Josh and Alan. Good night.
0:44:10 > 0:44:13Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd