0:00:28 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Ah, good evening, good evening, good evening!
0:00:34 > 0:00:39Good evening and welcome to QI, where tonight the K is silent,
0:00:39 > 0:00:42as in knits, knots, knackers and knobs.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Let's meet a knitwit, Sue Perkins.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Knot a lot, Ross Noble.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Slightly knackered, David Mitchell.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:06And a complete kn... say no more, Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Right. All the K's are quiet and so are their k-noises.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Sue goes...
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Sh!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Ross goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26SHEEP BLEATING
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- David goes... - PIN DROPPING
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- That was a pin dropping. You could hear it.- Yeah.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- And Alan goes: - # Silence is golden! #
0:01:36 > 0:01:41Very nice. And how many knots are there in this picture?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47# Silence is... #
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- Yes?- Two.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- KLAXON - No.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- Four? - KLAXON
0:02:00 > 0:02:02It's a trap!
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- Well, you've got some options. - Oh, none.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06KLAXON
0:02:07 > 0:02:09David?
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- One?- Yes! - APPLAUSE
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Oh, you're such a swot!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Is it the noose, is that the only one?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23There are two hitches, a bend and a knot.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- The one on the right is a k-noose.- Yes.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- A noose, but it is a knot. - Oh, a noose is a knot?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- A noose is a type of knot. - A hangman's knot.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33The hitches are the first one and the third one.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Is correct, they are hitches, and the second one is what's known as a bend.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41In everyday speech, of course, the word knot is used for all of them
0:02:41 > 0:02:44but this is QI where everyday speech is completely...
0:02:44 > 0:02:46MUMBO JUMBO
0:02:46 > 0:02:49So the highwayman's hitch, for example,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I have an example of a highwayman's hitch.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55That's where you hitch your horse and the tighter you pull,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58the tighter it goes but when you want to get away quickly,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- you pull the short one, da-dum!- Oh, that is good.- Isn't that clever?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Does he not just run off with the stick then?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- It's a post in the ground. - Oh, I see, right. Sorry, yeah.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Because if you tied up your dog to that and you went, right,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14and then threw it and the dog ran after it, a lot of confusion there.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Yeah. Another one was called the European death knot,
0:03:17 > 0:03:20the Euro death knot, or EDK.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Was that named by UKIP?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27It's also a one sided overhand bend.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30It's used for joining two ropes, as you can see.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31It's perfectly safe if used right,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34but a lot of climbers thought it wasn't safe
0:03:34 > 0:03:37and it was invented in Europe, so American climbers called it
0:03:37 > 0:03:38the Euro death knot.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43In fact it's very, very old and the 5,300-year-old man, Otzi,
0:03:43 > 0:03:45who was discovered in the Alps, dead, obviously...
0:03:47 > 0:03:51- For a moment there I thought you... - He was preserved, preserved...
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Been there for 5,000 years and going, "Help, will somebody help!"
0:03:54 > 0:03:58He had amongst his possessions a knot tied exactly in that fashion,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01so it shows we've been doing it for a very long time.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04And that would have been before rope was invented, for sure.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06How he pulled that off...
0:04:06 > 0:04:09And the other hitch we saw was called the snuggle hitch.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Which is a more secure version of the better-known sailor's knot,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15the clove hitch.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- You look at me as if I would know that.- Sorry, I just...
0:04:17 > 0:04:20"Come on, Susan, you know the knots."
0:04:20 > 0:04:22One of the surprising things about it,
0:04:22 > 0:04:24because it looks reasonably simple,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27was that it was invented in 1987.
0:04:28 > 0:04:34Or at least that's when it was very first introduced into the International Knot Tyers' Guild.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Didn't they think they had enough knots, without inventing more?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Yeah, I know. There are 3,800 in their...
0:04:40 > 0:04:43We're not going to go through each one of them, you'll be pleased to know.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46So that's a very specific '80s knot?
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Did somebody go, we need a way of tying down Bananarama. Now...
0:04:51 > 0:04:54It was a man called Owen Nuttall, anyway, who invented it
0:04:54 > 0:04:56and he called it the snuggle hitch.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- NASAL SPEECH:- I imagine he speaks like that.- Well, he may.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02"Nuttall here. I invented a knot."
0:05:03 > 0:05:07The hangman's knot is named after one of the most famous
0:05:07 > 0:05:10hangmen in history, Charles II's hangman.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- Oh, Johnny...- It's a French guy. - Johnny Noose.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17No. Oddly enough, his surname is a sailing vessel. Jack...?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- Boat.- Yacht. - Ketch. Jack Ketch.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Which if I'm not mistaken has a tall mast at the front
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- and a small mast at the back. - Indeed, indeed, yes, the ketch.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- Yeah, well, I just like to point that out.- Well done.- Thank you.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32This became pretty much the standard hanging noose that was used
0:05:32 > 0:05:34because it broke the neck very quickly.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37So, it was a very quick death when you dropped.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38The drop, as they called it.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41So, in a way, it was humane.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43It's good that you say he was an effective hangman,
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- cos if you weren't, you're essentially just a bloke that opens a door.- Yes.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Do you know what I mean?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Because where was it?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54There was a place where the prisoners built the gallows
0:05:54 > 0:05:57and when you stood on a particular plank it forced the wood out
0:05:57 > 0:06:00and then the door didn't open and no-one was getting...
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Then they would test it and the door would open and then they'd go, all right.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06And then they'd put the person there and then it would push the wood
0:06:06 > 0:06:09and then it wouldn't, and they'd go, all right.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Take him away, test it again, fine. That happened loads of times and...
0:06:12 > 0:06:16And so they decided God didn't want this person to die and let them off.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I think that's a real thing, or I might have seen it in a Scooby Doo episode.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I'm not sure. I'm not quite sure.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Do they do a lot of hanging in Scooby Doo?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- Now you come to mention it... - No more!
0:06:28 > 0:06:32No, it's not. How would that be Scooby Doo?
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Like, like, like... IMPERSONATES SCOOBY DOO
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- Shaggy! - That can't be Scooby Doo.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- AMERICAN ACCENT:- It was Mr Ketch, the hangman, all the time.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47So, now, I want you to take one of those each,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50and tie yourselves together, as it were.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- This has gone quite dark now. - It has, hasn't it?
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Is it just me? It's like a party game in the '70s.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59So, put each one of those around your wrist.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- No, no, don't undo it. - Well, I can't get my hand through that, can I?- Oh, sorry.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Little cock grab, that is.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- Cock ring!- Try with this one.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- Swap. You can give me that one back. - That's more like it!
0:07:13 > 0:07:16There we are. Put your wrists through.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21That's it, and then do that, so that you're tied together.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- OK.- Yes, is that right? - Is that good?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Without undoing the knots, untie yourselves.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36DAVID: Oh, I see.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Don't turn around, don't turn around.- That hasn't helped.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43DAVID: No!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- ROSS: No, that's it, you go through there.- Yes!- Yes!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53No!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Emphatically no!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Completely not.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I'm going back up. I'm going back over.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Right, go, go through. Yes!
0:08:07 > 0:08:08No!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I've got it, I've got it. Right.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Right. I've got it. If I do a forward flip...
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Now...
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Right, let's see if we can get...
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Oh, oh.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I think technically you're now married.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32You have let...
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I'm coming down, I'm coming down.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40You two hold it for a second and watch,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- because I think Sue is onto something.- OK.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46This is what we did when we were regularly handcuffed together as children.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49No, watch. You mustn't untie the knot.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51But...
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Oh.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Yeah!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Well done. Brilliant!
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- Have a go.- I actually, I have no idea what you did.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Neither do I, but I feel alone now. I liked it when we were together.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Show them, if you can remember it.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16What's properly weird is, I've now got a purple one round there.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21- It's a magician's trick, it's a good...- So what you have to do is, you have to make a loop.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23And then you feed the loop through.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- What?!- Then you go over your hand.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29No way.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31You are free.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32No, you're not!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Is this your watch?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40APPLAUSE
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Oh, we've given up, we've given up.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Hang on, if I take my trousers off...
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I think we have to call that a disaster.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54But well done, Sue Perkins.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57APPLAUSE
0:10:01 > 0:10:03It was like playing S&M Twister.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04It was rather, wasn't it?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07It was a wonderful sight that will never leave my memory bank.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10You're now a shoo-in for the 50 Shades of Grey movie,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- the pair of you. - You are. Absolutely.
0:10:13 > 0:10:19So, if you want to tie the knot at a knobstick wedding, what do you need?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- A knobstick wedding. - A knobstick wedding?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I think I've been to a few of those.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29- That's not an offensive term for gay marriage, is it?- No!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I'd be very surprised
0:10:34 > 0:10:37and disappointed to hear that on this show.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- It is now!- It is now!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43If you imagine a knobstick as being some sort of weapon,
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- is there another type of weapon followed by a wedding?- A shotgun.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Exactly. Pretty similar to a shotgun,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51which is from a later era.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53But a knobstick is a stick with a knob on the end.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55So you wave your knobstick around and someone goes,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57"All right, I'll marry you!"
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- It's a club. The club... What used to be...- LAUGHING: Sorry!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Sorry, I was about to go, "That's what I did to my wife!"
0:11:04 > 0:11:06But I thought, "No! No.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- "No. No."- No. She might be watching.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13A knobstick is a type of wooden club.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Now, if a woman was unmarried and had a baby,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19that baby was said to be on the parish, like Oliver Twist.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21And the parish paid for workhouses
0:11:21 > 0:11:24and the parish had to pay for the babies. And they didn't like that.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28So, in smaller villages where they knew who the father was,
0:11:28 > 0:11:32they would force the marriage by threatening them with a knobstick.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35And that was what a knobstick marriage was.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38It was an enforced marriage because the moment a man marries
0:11:38 > 0:11:40a woman, he is responsible for the baby and the wife.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Whereas if an unmarried woman was in a parish, the parish was.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48So it's that simple. There's a description of one here, from 1829.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51"One of those illegal celebrations of matrimony which are termed by
0:11:51 > 0:11:55"the peasantry 'knobstick weddings' took lately place in Wirksworth.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59"The parties forced into the blessing state are William Saxton,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02"a slender-witted man aged 24..."
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Don't look at me when you said that!
0:12:05 > 0:12:07The cheek of it!
0:12:07 > 0:12:12"..and Lydia Brooks, some 15 years older, who has a wooden leg."
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- Oh, dear.- A marriage made in heaven.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Why did they need the knobstick then?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Why didn't she just hop after him, going, "Come on, marry me! Come on."
0:12:20 > 0:12:24The word knot has been associated with marriage for a very long time,
0:12:24 > 0:12:26tying the knot was first used in 1717,
0:12:26 > 0:12:30at least that's the first record we have of tying the knot.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32And there have been some very odd ones.
0:12:32 > 0:12:38- In 2005, American Kevin Nadal married...- A horse?- A tree?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- No, it was himself. - Oh. Can you do that?
0:12:40 > 0:12:44He solemnly vowed, I, Kevin Nadal, take me,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Kevin Nadal, to have and hold, in sickness and in health.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50His point was, if people are happy to celebrate married life,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53why shouldn't they celebrate single life?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Did he take himself out on dates and wonder when
0:12:55 > 0:12:56he'd make the first move?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01I bet he also said, "Why's it always me who does the washing up?"
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- "Why am I always the bridesmaid?" - "It's not me, it's me!"
0:13:06 > 0:13:10If he meets somebody, is he unfaithful to himself?
0:13:10 > 0:13:11He would be, presumably.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13"I'm not going to tell myself..."
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- Would you have to divorce yourself? - "Where have you been?!"
0:13:16 > 0:13:17"I'm not saying."
0:13:17 > 0:13:19"After many years of thought,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22"I decided to have an open relationship with myself."
0:13:23 > 0:13:26"And, you know, I don't mind what I get up to."
0:13:26 > 0:13:27"But I just wish...
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- "Don't do it behind my back." - "Don't tell me!"
0:13:31 > 0:13:33"Don't tell me, I don't want to know."
0:13:33 > 0:13:35"Not in my bed!"
0:13:35 > 0:13:38If he wanted to do a bit of wife swapping,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- he just goes the other end of the bed.- Oh, dear.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46In 1979, a lady called Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49a 57-year-old German woman, married...
0:13:49 > 0:13:53- What do you think she married? - Is it a bridge?- No, from her name.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- Berliner-Mauer? So, Berlin Wall? - She married the Berlin Wall.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58In 1979, when it was still up, obviously.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Someone married the Eiffel Tower or something.- Did they?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04They dated the Eiffel Tower for a while and then they got married,
0:14:04 > 0:14:08and it says that they had been going steady with a bow
0:14:08 > 0:14:11and they had had close relations with a fence beforehand.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12And they were obsessed with...
0:14:12 > 0:14:14There's a word for it, I don't know it,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16for sleeping with inanimate objects.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Size isn't everything, but the Eiffel Tower is pretty impressive.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- As phalluses go... - And there's a gift shop.- Yes!
0:14:26 > 0:14:27You've got a restaurant.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30"The view from the top of my husband!"
0:14:31 > 0:14:34None of these marriages, of course, has any official standing.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36So those are some of the odder marriages.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40The traditional way to make an honest woman of someone is to use
0:14:40 > 0:14:42a church warden's knob, on the other hand.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47Why would anyone ban knitting patterns, flowers, hugs and kisses?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50This is a real ban, that is to say, a governmental ban.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52It's got a war-time feeling about it.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54- It has got a war-time feeling about it.- Code?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Code is the right word. - What, they knit in code?- Yes.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00So in World War II you were not allowed to send abroad
0:15:00 > 0:15:03any knitting pattern, just in case there was code embedded in it.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06So you couldn't send, you know, socks to prisoners of war?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08You could send socks,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- but not anything with a knitting pattern in it.- Oh, right.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Because they could be used as some sort of code.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Open out a blanket and it says "June 6th, 1944."
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Normandy.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Also postal chess was not allowed,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24even kisses at the bottom of letters,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26in case they had some meaning.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Presumably messages saying where the troops are moving...
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Yes, those were obviously pretty much banned.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Could you not have got like, you know you get knitting machines,
0:15:33 > 0:15:36could they not have made like an enigma knitting machine?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Where it makes the jumper and then scrambles it up,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- so that they couldn't pass the message.- That would be very clever.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- It's an opportunity missed. - It is an opportunity missed.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48We have a Karen Templer, who is a QI watcher, has knitted us...
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Oh, look at that.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52And this says, in Morse code...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56"I wool always love you."
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Oh, that's cute.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Aaah. Thank you, Karen. Bravo.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03APPLAUSE
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- Isn't that nice? - You know what she was doing there?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- She was indulging in a bit of four-ply.- Hey!
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- AUDIENCE LAUGH AND GROAN - Good night.- Very good.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15And let's hope that it is Morse code and not Braille.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19"You'll what? Get off me!"
0:16:21 > 0:16:25You know the female knitters at the guillotine? Did they knit?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Didn't they knit code? There was something about them knitting code.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32The most famous one is Madame Defarge in A Tale of Two Cities
0:16:32 > 0:16:35and they were known as tricoteurs, which is French for knitting women.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38But a lot of people now believe they didn't really exist.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40That they were sort of made up by Carlyle,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43the great historian of the French Revolution, and by Dickens.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45So they didn't knit, necessarily.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48They didn't think that they actually sat there watching heads roll.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Making bobble hats. - In the book, Madame Defarge knits
0:16:50 > 0:16:53the names of all the aristocrats who get their heads chopped off,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56which is not really a code as a sort of gleeful cackling joy.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58The original woman of the revolution,
0:16:58 > 0:17:01the mothers of the revolution, were much-loved but then,
0:17:01 > 0:17:04during The Terror, they became considered a nuisance
0:17:04 > 0:17:07and so they were shut up or they were forbad to wear trousers,
0:17:07 > 0:17:10a law that wasn't repealed until February, 2013,
0:17:10 > 0:17:11in France.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Trouser suits had actually been illegal in France for that time,
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- but obviously not enforced. - No!
0:17:17 > 0:17:18To say the least.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Now, how can knitting be used to reduce fear, crime and disorder?
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Are you saying if he had a tank top on, he'd go,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29"OK, I'm putting the gun down"?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- Well, you know, if he was knitting he couldn't be holding a gun.- Yeah.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- Well, that's true. - It's harder to stab, shoot.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38You can only really kick people while you're knitting, can't you?
0:17:38 > 0:17:40You can stab.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42We'll come onto that, there is something called
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Extreme Knitting, which we will come to.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49But at the moment, we're looking at this form of knitting,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51which has different names.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55It's called Guerrilla Knitting, or sometimes Yarn Bombing.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58And it is actually a way to make a place more peaceful.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It's to deter crime.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04And it was tried out in Leicester, where they hung pompoms,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07and put things round trees.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Oh, I feel calm already. It's like a tree-warmer.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Well, they used cosies for tree trunks, parking meters,
0:18:13 > 0:18:17even buses, and tanks has been suggested, in the military areas.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20The Leicester experiment has had mixed results.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Some locals don't think it works, others do.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25The fact is, the pompoms have so embarrassed the Leicester police
0:18:25 > 0:18:28that they have not allowed us to show photographs of them.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Which was extremely mean of them, but I'm sure
0:18:30 > 0:18:33if you look it up, you'll be able to see the Leicester pompoms.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34- They're embarrassed?- Yes.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Embarrassed by the fact that they do look rather comic.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39We can easily sort that out.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Basically, if you're watching, if you're in Leicester and you see
0:18:42 > 0:18:45a policeman, just go, "Oi, where's pompom?" That'll teach them.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47It certainly will. It certainly will.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49But as I say, there's Guerrilla Knitting,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52but I alluded to it earlier, there's Extreme Knitting.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54What do you think that might be?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Now I've got Gregg Wallace in my head going,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59"Knitting doesn't get more extreme than this!"
0:19:01 > 0:19:04"First you get a slip stitch, then comes a taste of pearl."
0:19:04 > 0:19:09Is it about doing knitting in places where you wouldn't normally,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12like driving a Formula One car, or...
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- Well, sort of. - ..parachuting or something.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17The great heroine of this is one Susie Hewer,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19aged 55 at the moment of going to press.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21She has the world record for knitting a scarf
0:19:21 > 0:19:24while running a marathon.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- Oh, that is good. - That is impressive.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29And she's also crocheted while running a marathon too,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31and she's ridden a tandem,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33and she does it to raise money for Alzheimer's research.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35So it's all pretty good in the end.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Yeah. I did a half marathon when I was a student,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42to raise money so that we could go to the Edinburgh Festival.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- Well, dear me.- Do you know how much I raised? Have a guess.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- So that's what got you here. - 50 quid.- 70.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- Oh, that's good.- 70 quid. - For 13 miles.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53And then we got two grand off the Students' Union to top it up.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- Well, it worked out all right for you, didn't it?- Yeah.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00I would say.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Now, what about the biggest knitted objects in the world,
0:20:03 > 0:20:04- how big are they?- Massive.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Yes, is the answer. Give me a...
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Thanks, I'll have a point, thank you.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- The biggest knitted object.- Yeah.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Well, I've had my doubts about Venus for a long time, you know.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Is it going to be like a suspension bridge or something,
0:20:17 > 0:20:18is a knitted object?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Inasmuch as it is, yes, it is a physical object
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- on which people can live. - It's a house?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Is the internet knitted?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- Does it count as a huge knitted thing?- No.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32It's a series of man-made knitted islands on the Peruvian side
0:20:32 > 0:20:35of Lake Titicaca. And there are 45 of them.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39They're from totora reeds, and there's a church on one of them.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42There are buildings and houses, people live on them.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43But they're quite...
0:20:43 > 0:20:46But the scariest thing is the size of the nanas that built them.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Yes!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51But several hundred people live on them, they get so used to
0:20:51 > 0:20:54this rather springy surface that if they then go on land, they just,
0:20:54 > 0:20:58they can't walk, it takes them ages to get their land legs back.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I think that's where Bez from the Happy Mondays,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- he's from there, isn't he?- Yeah.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- Very good. Excellent. - Be a great excuse, wouldn't it,
0:21:05 > 0:21:06if you turned up somewhere pissed
0:21:06 > 0:21:10to say, "No, actually, I'm fine, I just usually live somewhere knitted.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11"And it's very odd, everything..."
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Just used to a very different surface.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17"Everything feels very wobbly, but honestly, I am a professional."
0:21:17 > 0:21:22But the Lake Titicaca Olympic team must be amazing. Bang!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Give me a statistic about Lake Titicaca.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31It is the biggest innuendo place on the planet.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34It's got titties and it's got caca.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- Caca, exactly. Exactly. - Is it very, very high?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39It's the highest navigable lake in the world. Quite right.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Navigable means you can go in one end and out the other.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Yes, you can get ships on it and there are many ships on it,
0:21:44 > 0:21:45and ports and things like that.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48There are higher lakes which you couldn't get a ship onto.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Not been made more navigable by loads of knitted islands.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52- Yes, they get in the way.- Yes.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57So, anyway, now for a new round. What Katydid.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Here are five creatures and five names.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I want you to match the creature to the name.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Oh, right, OK.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05There's a dragon-headed, a spike headed, a horned,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08a mimicking snout-nosed and a small hooded, and they're all called?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Sheila. - No, no, they're called katydids.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Why might they be called a katydid?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- A "cat-idid?"- No, it is actually pronounced katydid.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18It's because supposedly the sound
0:22:18 > 0:22:21they make by stridulating their wings as many of the cricket-y type
0:22:21 > 0:22:23animals and katydid animals do...
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- Cricket-y type animals?- Yes, crickets, grasshoppers, locusts...
0:22:27 > 0:22:31- And we look to you!- Do you do it in your nature shows?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34"Oh, these are the cricket-y type ones."
0:22:34 > 0:22:36"The cricket-y and the footballish ones."
0:22:36 > 0:22:39So their bingo wings sort of rub and they let off...
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- And it makes a chirping noise. Yes.- I think mine do that.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Which puts them in common with locusts and grasshoppers
0:22:45 > 0:22:46and cicadas and so on.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48They're called kaydids because apparently the sound is,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50"Katydid, katydidn't."
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I don't know, we haven't got a recording of it,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- so I can't help you. - Katydid, katydidn't.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Let's show the answers in a colour-coded sort of way.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- There you can see... - The dragon-head.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01But they're strange creatures.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04And the most impressive, in some ways, is the small hooded,
0:23:04 > 0:23:07which as you see is the purple one, which looks like a leaf.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10We're looking at it very closely and it's moving, but it wasn't
0:23:10 > 0:23:14discovered till 2010. It lived for millennia and it's not even rare.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15It's in Australia.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18It's because its camouflage is so astonishing, the mottling
0:23:18 > 0:23:22of the leaves and everything else is such that people just don't see it.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24That's the longest game of hide and seek.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- Yes, that's ever been ever played. - Finally!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Eventually someone, "Look, what's that little blighter in there?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31"That's an animal, it's alive."
0:23:31 > 0:23:33"Oh, you got me, you got me!"
0:23:34 > 0:23:38It would be a terrifying thing, actually suddenly to, you know, that
0:23:38 > 0:23:41things that we've been looking at for ages turn out to be animals.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- Yes.- You know, that you're suddenly looking at four trees
0:23:43 > 0:23:47- and suddenly realise, "Oh, no, they're legs."- Yes.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50There's another katydid which does a really extraordinary thing,
0:23:50 > 0:23:52it's a record in the animal kingdom, as far as we know,
0:23:52 > 0:23:54it's the male Tuberous bush cricket.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58It has the largest testicles for their weight of any animal.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01ALL: Oh!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04That's 14% of their body mass.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- 14%?- 14%.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Gonads.- It enables them to fertilise as many females as possible.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13They do this by inserting a jelly-like package, called...
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Why are you looking at me?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I'm sorry, called a spermatophore, into the female.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20But the back end of this spermatophore,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23this bulging packet of spermatazoic jelly,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25there's too much of it, it bulges out
0:24:25 > 0:24:28and the female reaches back and eats it for lunch.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30LAUGHTER
0:24:30 > 0:24:33So it's a romantic dinner for one, so it's a double little present.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Only a man could say that!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- The thing about that... - 40%...yes?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42The thing about that as a creature, though,
0:24:42 > 0:24:45cos it's got such massive balls, like when you film it close up,
0:24:45 > 0:24:48it must go like, it must leap and go, oh!
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Quick, oh!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- Oh, the agony. - Every time it lands, it's just, ooh.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Where's the penis? Is the penis massive?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56I don't think it's as massive as the testes.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Just a little thing like that, and then two great melons.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Yeah. It's really...
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Quite a powerful squirt, you'd have thought.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- She could be a mile away.- Yeah!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Well, there you are, there's your katydid.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12What's the longest distance of mating in the animal kingdom?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- What is?- Yeah. - Gosh, I don't know.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Some fish put the eggs and then the male fish comes along later...
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- By post.- They don't even meet.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21That's true. You could send by post, I suppose.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- Can you? - Well, there's the ninja slug.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28No, this is a real thing.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29A ninja slug?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32The ninja slug, and when it's doing the loving,
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- it, er... Yeah, I'm like a proper expert.- The slug loving.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- Wax on, wax off. - Yeah, slug loving.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39And then instead of getting involved,
0:25:39 > 0:25:44it comes up and then it fires like all the necessaries towards
0:25:44 > 0:25:48the lady slug, and she "hoof", and then, I don't know what it's called.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52- Catches it?- Sort of, yeah. - But she leans backward to catch it?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I don't think she's got hands,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56but she, she sort of... That's the thing with a slug,
0:25:56 > 0:26:00if you rush a slug like that, they don't go, "Urgh," they just,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03"Oh." And then, yeah. Go like that.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Oh, it's that bit, on the... yes.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Wah!
0:26:08 > 0:26:12- And then, yeah.- Are you saying it's like the meat and two veg detach?
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- Yeah. Takes it off...- And fires, takes it off and fires it at a...
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Takes it off and it... Again, I'm not sure where I found this out.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Scooby Doo. That is definitely Scooby Doo.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24It sort of, its bits go, and then it, woo, like that. Then it...
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I definitely seen that on Scooby Doo.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28And then I think she's like that, "Wey!"
0:26:28 > 0:26:31And she's basically like a goalkeeper, just readying herself.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Exactly. Yeah, honestly, it's like an explosion in an Ann Summers.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- Well, that's terrific, well done. - There's nothing worse, though,
0:26:39 > 0:26:42when this slug comes towards the lady and she dives the wrong way.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44- That is, oh! - Nightmare.
0:26:44 > 0:26:49Moving on, moving on from the enormous knackers of the katydid.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52What can you tell me about the royal knackers?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Well, I imagine they're pretty toastie right now.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Is it where royal horses are killed?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03The Royal Knacker's Yard?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Yes, they don't any longer have a Royal Knacker's yard,
0:27:05 > 0:27:07but they used to.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09There was of course, in the Victorian age, and earlier,
0:27:09 > 0:27:12a great need to get rid of horses who had died,
0:27:12 > 0:27:15and to make the most of them.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18And they went to knacker's yards. And there was...
0:27:18 > 0:27:19And thence into lasagne.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22And they were made into all kinds of things.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25And the royal knacker was one John Atcheler,
0:27:25 > 0:27:29who had the royal warrant from Queen Victoria, to knacker her horses.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32And he was the official horse slaughterer.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34He's buried in Highgate Cemetery, where there is
0:27:34 > 0:27:37a tomb with a prancing horse on top of it, like a Ferrari mascot.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Is it prancing the other way up?
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Maybe prancing is a sign of revenge.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48"We got you at last, you bastard."
0:27:48 > 0:27:50He had two knacker's yards.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52The first was in Sharp's Alley near Smithfield
0:27:52 > 0:27:54and then later near Kings Cross, at Belle Isle.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58And they were famously malodorous, you wouldn't want to live near them.
0:27:58 > 0:28:03Huge, huge copper vats filled with horses being rendered down.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06But here from 1844 is an extract from Bentley's Miscellany,
0:28:06 > 0:28:09"The knacker's cart arrives in double quick,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12"The mob admires the cart, the royal arms and the inscription:
0:28:12 > 0:28:15"'Knacker to Her Majesty.'
0:28:15 > 0:28:18"The royal knacker, a swell knacker in cords and tops,
0:28:18 > 0:28:20"with a bit of butcher's apron, just as big as a bishop's,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22"merely to distinguish his profession,
0:28:22 > 0:28:25"pole-axe in hand, descends from his vehicle."
0:28:25 > 0:28:28- Well, that's pageantry. - That's pageantry, isn't it? Exactly.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31That's what I want to see televised, David Dimbleby doing
0:28:31 > 0:28:34the commentary, "The slaughtering of the royal horse."
0:28:34 > 0:28:35Absolutely.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38It wouldn't be David Dimbleby though, it'd be Fearne Cotton.
0:28:38 > 0:28:39I'm afraid it would.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42People would say, "They've ruined the horse slaughtering this year."
0:28:42 > 0:28:44"They've trivialised the knackering."
0:28:44 > 0:28:47- "It used to be so respectful." - So much pomp and circumstance.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Explain what bit of the horse was bubbling up to the top now,
0:28:50 > 0:28:52is it a bollock, is it an eye?
0:28:52 > 0:28:55- Yes.- But they don't know now, these new presenters.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Football clubs used horse oil to...?
0:28:57 > 0:29:00- To stop chaffing? - Lubricate something.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Their boots, actually, oddly enough, to keep their boots supple.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Cricket teams rubbed it into their bats,
0:29:05 > 0:29:07much as they then used to do with linseed oil.
0:29:07 > 0:29:11Doctors used neatsfoot oil to massage a patient's joints
0:29:11 > 0:29:14after coming out of plaster, they would use that.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17Selected bones were sent to knife manufacturers for the handles.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21There you are, look. See, "Horse meat for sale, this store only.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24"With beef, lamb, pork also available."
0:29:24 > 0:29:26He's thinking, "I won't have the horse."
0:29:26 > 0:29:30The horse looks a bit worried! The horse is deciding which to have.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32But by strange, I don't know
0:29:32 > 0:29:36if coincidence or irony is the word, but in 1824 the RSPCA was founded
0:29:36 > 0:29:39and there's a plaque to show where it was founded.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42Old Slaughters Coffee House.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44That's what you want to do after you've had a good old night
0:29:44 > 0:29:47- slaughtering, is have a latte.- Yeah.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50- I fed horse meat to a lion once. - Did you?
0:29:50 > 0:29:52That was a pony trick gone wrong!
0:29:56 > 0:29:58- No, I was in Namibia...- Yeah.
0:29:58 > 0:30:03..doing a documentary about this place where they rehabilitate big cats.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06They had three lions
0:30:06 > 0:30:08a bit like Clarence, the Boss-Eyed Lion from Daktari.
0:30:08 > 0:30:09I remember him well.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12They were kind of semi-tame and they fed them horse meat,
0:30:12 > 0:30:15so if a horse died anywhere within about 300 miles,
0:30:15 > 0:30:16they'd try and get hold of it.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19And they'd chop it up and you'd put it...
0:30:19 > 0:30:22They'd lift a bit of the fence and you shove this metal bowl
0:30:22 > 0:30:25underneath and a lion would come over, put its tongue in.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27And lions have got these barbs
0:30:27 > 0:30:30on their tongue that can pick up a piece of horse meat
0:30:30 > 0:30:35and dangle it, and then they look at you through the bar like that.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38- Still got the hair on the side. - Oh...
0:30:40 > 0:30:42- Quite a flimsy fence.- Yes.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47- We're lucky still to have you. Well done, you.- Quite a sight.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49Quite an impressive sight.
0:30:49 > 0:30:54Well, if anyone from Leeds tells you to eat kicker, what should you do?
0:30:54 > 0:30:56Run away, because that's Kicker there.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00You can see we're still in the world of meat.
0:31:00 > 0:31:01Is it horse?
0:31:01 > 0:31:04It is actually just plain horse, yes, it's horse.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07And Yorkshire was the last place really to eat horse
0:31:07 > 0:31:09on a major scale in Britain.
0:31:09 > 0:31:10Until quite recently.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12Well...
0:31:12 > 0:31:15But of course recently there have been a few scandals
0:31:15 > 0:31:17which mean we've probably all been eating horse.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20That dark brown horse has the hair of Tina Turner.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:26 > 0:31:27You're spot-on.
0:31:27 > 0:31:32What you're looking at here is the entire line-up of Horse Kajagoogoo.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36- You're absolutely right. - It's really spooky, that.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39Well, horse was very popular right up until the first millennium,
0:31:39 > 0:31:42until Gregory III, the Pope, deemed it too pagan.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44But the Scandinavians had always loved eating horse
0:31:44 > 0:31:47and the greatest Scandinavian, as it were,
0:31:47 > 0:31:49presence in Britain was in Yorkshire.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51And so it remained as a tradition to eat horse
0:31:51 > 0:31:54right up until really the '30s.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57And the last butcher selling horse in the county was Arnold Drury
0:31:57 > 0:32:01in Doncaster, who died in 1951.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04He proudly advertised "Viande Cheval,"
0:32:04 > 0:32:08meat horse, "of super quality horseflesh."
0:32:08 > 0:32:11And other butchers called it kicker, more euphemistically.
0:32:11 > 0:32:15And in the 19th century, rural Yorkshire folk who moved to the city
0:32:15 > 0:32:17were known as kicker eaters.
0:32:17 > 0:32:18I've eaten horse.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21- Well, most of us have, apparently, without knowing it.- Yes.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23- I ate it consciously.- How was it?
0:32:23 > 0:32:27- To... Very lean. No fat on it at all.- Wow.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30Just basically like eating, I don't know, wall installation.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32- Just no succulence to it.- Yeah.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36Isn't it odd how we rebel at the idea of things
0:32:36 > 0:32:38that we're not used to?
0:32:38 > 0:32:41You know, we are totally used to drinking the proteinous
0:32:41 > 0:32:44fatty stuff that comes out of an alien animal,
0:32:44 > 0:32:48that is designed to make its calf double in weight every week,
0:32:48 > 0:32:49and we're perfectly happy,
0:32:49 > 0:32:52skull it back and go, that's all right, I'm eating a cow's milk.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55- But even more so...- But someone says eat a horse's milk, you go, "Ugh!"
0:32:55 > 0:32:58Even more so than that, when my sister-in-law
0:32:58 > 0:33:01- expressed some breast milk and kept it in the fridge...- Ah.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03and her brother came in and drank it...
0:33:03 > 0:33:06It made everyone feel a bit unwell, but no-one quite knows why.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08Well, exactly, because it's a lot more...
0:33:08 > 0:33:11- Clearly it's designed for human consumption.- Precisely,
0:33:11 > 0:33:13much more than cow or horse milk is.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15I tell you what, it makes a lovely rice pudding.
0:33:15 > 0:33:19- It really does.- But wasn't there a shop selling...
0:33:19 > 0:33:20- Breast milk ice cream.- Yeah.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23We should all try lots of different animals' milk.
0:33:23 > 0:33:24I'm very happy to try horse milk.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27- I had some of that breast milk ice cream.- Did you?
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Yeah. I was on a television programme
0:33:29 > 0:33:32and they brought it round as a gimmick, I didn't seek it out.
0:33:32 > 0:33:33No.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35And it tasted completely like normal ice cream.
0:33:35 > 0:33:39I thought you were going to say completely like tits.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41- Yeah, it tasted very, very strongly of tits.- Very breasty.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44No, it tasted very much like dog or horse milk, in fact.
0:33:44 > 0:33:49Well, the most famous 19th century Royal Knacker was Jack Atcheler,
0:33:49 > 0:33:53responsible for dealing with 26,000 horses a year.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55Talking of being knackered,
0:33:55 > 0:33:58describe the world's oldest mattress.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01I'll have to think, it's got springs sticking out,
0:34:01 > 0:34:04- it's a bit tatty, it's stained... - It's a lot older than that.
0:34:04 > 0:34:07It's very, very, very, very old.
0:34:07 > 0:34:0939,000 years old, we think.
0:34:09 > 0:34:15It's in KwaZulu-Natal, in a cave, and it's made of rushes and reeds.
0:34:15 > 0:34:19And it was used by humans for thousands and thousands of years.
0:34:19 > 0:34:23And they would add top layers of insect-repelling plants,
0:34:23 > 0:34:25so that they wouldn't get bitten during the night.
0:34:25 > 0:34:29- So it's a really extraordinary... - What was it, king, super king?
0:34:29 > 0:34:33- I think probably wider. Californian double king, probably.- Oh.- Yeah.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36- Absolutely.- I think I've stayed at that hotel.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39Compared to apes, of course, humans are relatively hairless.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42We have two major areas of hair, don't we?
0:34:42 > 0:34:44We have our little top knot
0:34:44 > 0:34:48and we have our little lower down area of hair.
0:34:48 > 0:34:52Both of which can be susceptible to lice.
0:34:52 > 0:34:57- There's the head louse.- Ah! - And there's the public louse.
0:34:57 > 0:35:01- Which is actually on the decline. - The crab. Is it?- Yes, it is. Yeah.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Not so many pubes about these days, are there?
0:35:04 > 0:35:07- Because of Brazilians, you think? - That's exactly why.
0:35:07 > 0:35:11- The Brazilian has...- Because of the, you know...- Shaving downstairs.
0:35:11 > 0:35:16- I'm not sure how I know this, but it is true.- Scooby Doo again.- Probably.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20HE IMITATES SCOOBY
0:35:22 > 0:35:24And if it hadn't been for you pesky kids,
0:35:24 > 0:35:26I'd have gotten away with it, as well.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Apparently their numbers are... Yeah.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31They have had to actually start sanctuaries now. Special...
0:35:31 > 0:35:36- Special pube sanctuaries and I donate every month.- Little crabberies.
0:35:36 > 0:35:40To provide a natural habitat because their natural habitat is shrinking.
0:35:40 > 0:35:44It would be awful, actually, if you found you had pubic lice
0:35:44 > 0:35:48and then there was some sort of environment agency order on it
0:35:48 > 0:35:50that you couldn't get rid of it.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52"I'm so sorry, they're important to the ecosystem."
0:35:52 > 0:35:56- They are restricted, they are zoned. - They are like bats.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59It was assumed that, when we were hairier beings,
0:35:59 > 0:36:03we had various lice on our bodies and that some of them specialised
0:36:03 > 0:36:05in the head and began to evolve into head lice
0:36:05 > 0:36:09and the others specialised in the pubes and began to evolve into pubic
0:36:09 > 0:36:12lice, but it has been discovered that they are not related at all.
0:36:12 > 0:36:16And that our pubic lice are actually related to lice that live
0:36:16 > 0:36:20on gorillas, which asks a rather interesting question as to...
0:36:20 > 0:36:24who was it? Who made that...
0:36:24 > 0:36:25David Attenborough! >
0:36:25 > 0:36:27SILENCE!
0:36:27 > 0:36:29- Yeah?- David Attenborough.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33No, it was 3.3 million years ago that the jump was made.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35I think that still works, David Attenborough.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38So down there and up there, no...
0:36:38 > 0:36:42- They're not related.- You see, I've got a sort of nature corridor.- Ah!
0:36:42 > 0:36:46Well, I think you will find they will try down there
0:36:46 > 0:36:48and not like it, they'll stay up there.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50How dare you! How dare you!
0:36:50 > 0:36:54That's an area of outstanding natural beauty, down there!
0:36:54 > 0:36:56But it's an immense distance.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59Let's just say an area of special scientific interest.
0:37:00 > 0:37:06I've had a picnic area put in. I've got a gift shop down there.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09- Coach party.- Oh, my God. Jesus.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11There must have been louse meetings,
0:37:11 > 0:37:15though, somewhere in people's chest hair. The more...
0:37:15 > 0:37:19The more adventurous of the head lice meet the more adventurous
0:37:19 > 0:37:23of the pube lice and they must have tried mating.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27- To make chest lice.- They created a new species - tit lice.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29Just live around the tit area.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31Tit louse, that is a nice thought, I like that.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34- It's almost Beatrix Potter, isn't it?- Yes!
0:37:34 > 0:37:38- This is a children's book waiting to happen.- It is.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40You're going to do the audio recording.
0:37:40 > 0:37:45Anyway. Moving on. What's the oldest profession?
0:37:47 > 0:37:49Oh, get that one.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52We are all terribly frightened of the obvious one.
0:37:52 > 0:37:53Prostitute, prostitute!
0:37:53 > 0:37:58Prostitute! I'm just shouting prostitute like I usually do.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01- Must be due. - It must be five o'clock!
0:38:03 > 0:38:07If I walk past, in Soho, you see models upstairs, it would
0:38:07 > 0:38:11be amazing if you went in there and it was like a Hornby Model Railway,
0:38:11 > 0:38:14just loads of women in their pants just going, "Come on, it's brilliant.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16"We've got a station box."
0:38:18 > 0:38:22- But, it's not prostitution. - Is it knitting?
0:38:22 > 0:38:25No, but you're right, it begins with a silent K.
0:38:25 > 0:38:29- When we made early tools, what did we make them out of?- Flint.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31- Knapping.- Knapping. Yes. Flintknapping.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33Seems to be the oldest profession,
0:38:33 > 0:38:38from archaeological digs we see a homo habilis handyman.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41He was an early, smaller version of us
0:38:41 > 0:38:44and he knapped away at flint to make spearheads and so on.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47It seems to have been the first job that we know of.
0:38:47 > 0:38:48But logically, if that's...
0:38:48 > 0:38:53Someone has tried hunting just with a normal stick, before he's asked
0:38:53 > 0:38:57someone to have a go at knapping some flint to make his stick sharper.
0:38:57 > 0:39:01- So I reckon hunter has got to be a job pre-knapper.- Yeah.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05But you were self-employ... Well, mmm, you...
0:39:05 > 0:39:09I reckon they were all probably... None of them were on PAYE.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11I was going to say. As if P45...
0:39:11 > 0:39:14Even before hunter, there was surely spear caddy.
0:39:14 > 0:39:18- Spear caddy.- The fella who hands the spear to the hunter.
0:39:18 > 0:39:22"Spear caddy, could I have the number four, please?"
0:39:22 > 0:39:25Of course, you'd have to have a wood chopper, woodcutter.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27You've got to have one of those. You're right.
0:39:27 > 0:39:30Anyway, flintknapping was certainly an old profession.
0:39:30 > 0:39:31All of this is before prostitutes.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34Certainly the oldest one with a silent K. Yes.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37- Is there a word for prostitute that begins with a silent K?- Probably.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39Knob-gobbler.
0:39:39 > 0:39:45- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Wow, that was quick! That was fast.
0:39:46 > 0:39:50The oldest human occupation we have evidence for is
0:39:50 > 0:39:51flintknapping.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54Now, what should you watch out for when handling these?
0:39:55 > 0:39:57It's roses, rose stems.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59Oh, is it, is it old women with secateurs?
0:39:59 > 0:40:01Yeah, well, that's one thing.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03What else might harm you if you try to pick them?
0:40:03 > 0:40:04The thorny bit?
0:40:04 > 0:40:07KLAXON SOUNDS
0:40:07 > 0:40:10- No, roses don't have thorns. - Not a thorn?
0:40:10 > 0:40:12Well, they do, it's a known...
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Thorn bushes have, thorn bushes have roses, is that it?
0:40:14 > 0:40:17- Is it a trick? - No, on roses they're called?
0:40:17 > 0:40:19- Prickles.- Prickles, well done. Absolutely right...
0:40:19 > 0:40:21- They prick you.- They're not thorns.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23A thorn is a very specific thing, botanically.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25Thorns are modified branches or stems,
0:40:25 > 0:40:29and prickles are part of a plant's skin, which is what those are.
0:40:29 > 0:40:30They come out from it.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33So when Bon Jovi sang Every Rose Has A Thorn...
0:40:33 > 0:40:35- They were lying.- He's made an absolute fool of himself.
0:40:35 > 0:40:36They did.
0:40:36 > 0:40:37# Every rose has a prickle! #
0:40:37 > 0:40:40That would be great, wouldn't it, if you went to a Bon Jovi gig, and
0:40:40 > 0:40:42# Every rose has a... #
0:40:42 > 0:40:46Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! And the QI thing went off...
0:40:46 > 0:40:48We've got to invite him on the show, absolutely right.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51So let's see if we've learned something tonight.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53I'm going to show you something and tell me,
0:40:53 > 0:40:54is there a thorn in this picture?
0:40:58 > 0:41:02- Er, there's not one on the rose.- No.
0:41:02 > 0:41:03KLAXON SOUNDS
0:41:03 > 0:41:04Oh, God!
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Well, you said no, didn't you?
0:41:06 > 0:41:09But you were more accurate. You said there's not one on the rose.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11But isn't there one on the crown?
0:41:11 > 0:41:14- No, there isn't one on the crown either.- One on the grass?
0:41:14 > 0:41:16Oh, Alan, you were the only person on the programme
0:41:16 > 0:41:18when we covered this.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21There is no such thing as Ye Olde Rose and Crown,
0:41:21 > 0:41:25it's THE Old Rose and Crown, and the letter Y is called a...?
0:41:25 > 0:41:27- Thorn.- Thorn.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30The letter is the thorn.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32- So the Y is called?- A thorn, yes.
0:41:32 > 0:41:33- A thorn.- It's a "th" sound.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35When you see that, you don't say YE, you say THE.
0:41:35 > 0:41:39THE. So when people say ye olde, they're completely wrong, it's THE.
0:41:39 > 0:41:40I will never get it wrong again.
0:41:40 > 0:41:44So you no longer have to say Ye Olde Tea Shop, it's The Olde Tea Shop.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47What if you open a new one?
0:41:47 > 0:41:49How does that...?
0:41:49 > 0:41:51Then just call it The New Tea Shop.
0:41:52 > 0:41:56Now, who fancies one of my Knick Knacks to celebrate
0:41:56 > 0:41:58the beauty of chemistry?
0:41:58 > 0:42:01I've got a bottle here of alcohol, but this is not drinking alcohol.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04- I'm just going to...- That was full at the start of tonight.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07What I'm going to do is, I'm going to make a cloud,
0:42:07 > 0:42:09which I think you'll find is rather exciting.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12I've got a pump here, and Alan, I'm going to ask you to pump for me,
0:42:12 > 0:42:14- would you?- Every Monday.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16That's it.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20By doing this I'm just making it evaporate a little, and I'm going
0:42:20 > 0:42:22to stick the plunger in as soon as I can, so I don't get too much.
0:42:22 > 0:42:25Now, by pumping it in, you're applying pressure to this,
0:42:25 > 0:42:27- there you go.- Shall I pump? About ten.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30Two, three, four, five,
0:42:30 > 0:42:34six, seven, eight, nine, ten. That'll do.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36Is it going to blow up? Is it going to explode?
0:42:36 > 0:42:38- And...- Oh!- Cloud.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40- Oh, look at that. - I've made a cloud.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44But, pop it in.
0:42:44 > 0:42:45APPLAUSE
0:42:47 > 0:42:49We can now make it disappear.
0:42:52 > 0:42:55Gone cloud.
0:42:55 > 0:42:56Come back, cloud!
0:42:58 > 0:43:00Oh, isn't that exciting?
0:43:01 > 0:43:05All of which brings us to the scores,
0:43:05 > 0:43:08and our winner tonight on minus six is David Mitchell.
0:43:08 > 0:43:10HE MOUTHS: Minus six.
0:43:12 > 0:43:17In a very respectable second place on minus nine, is Ross Noble.
0:43:20 > 0:43:21Who knew?
0:43:21 > 0:43:24Improving all the time, in third place, with minus 17,
0:43:24 > 0:43:26Alan Davies.
0:43:30 > 0:43:35But tonight's frayed knicker elastic is Sue Perkins on minus 22.
0:43:42 > 0:43:47Well, that's all from Sue, David, Ross, Alan and me.
0:43:47 > 0:43:49Good night.
0:43:50 > 0:43:53Subtitles By Red Bee Media Ltd