0:00:01 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40and welcome to QI, where tonight we're all kings for a day.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Joining me at court are
0:00:42 > 0:00:45His Majesty King James VI, Jimmy Carr.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:52His Majesty King William III, Bill Bailey.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:01:01His Majesty King Jeremy the... Only, Jeremy Clarkson.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04APPLAUSE Thank you.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08And King Alan Davies.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:14 > 0:01:17So, before we commence our battle royale, let the trumpet sound. Jimmy goes...
0:01:17 > 0:01:21ORNATE FLOURISH
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Bill goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:30ORNATE FLOURISH
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Jeremy goes...
0:01:34 > 0:01:37ORNATE FLOURISH
0:01:38 > 0:01:40And Alan goes...
0:01:40 > 0:01:42PARTY HORN
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Why am I not surprised?
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Here are some kings I'm sure that you're utterly aware of,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53but can you tell me how they got their nicknames?
0:01:55 > 0:01:59These are all real kings and their real nicknames.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Is this what people called them
0:02:00 > 0:02:02while they were actually on the throne?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Cos history is always written by the victor... By the victor.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07..and therefore you have got William the Conqueror,
0:02:07 > 0:02:10who was probably called William the Weak. Yeah.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Well, he was probably William the I'm Going To Give This A Go.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Why don't we have that now any more?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Why isn't it Queen Elizabeth the German. Or...
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Constantine - you should be able to guess where he comes from.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Sorry... Greece.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Has your crown slipped?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Yeah, it's... Look, it's done that, you see, that's a...
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Like that.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32It's a medieval torture.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Yeah, this is what they put round royal dogs
0:02:35 > 0:02:37to stop them nibbling their stitches.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Imagine the crown-maker...
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Has your head lost weight? Yes, it has, yes.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46He's lost even more hair than when we started! Sorry. Yeah. That's right. That's very unfair.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Yes, I do apologise. It's just...
0:02:49 > 0:02:51You're welcome to take it off.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55We're going to need a bigger king. See if you can abdicate.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57No, that's going to hurt.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00It's like watching a two-year-old take their clothes off.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04JIMMY: Try and get it down the other way.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Shall I try and go through it?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Yeah, try and go through it. I think this is...
0:03:08 > 0:03:10LAUGHTER Come on, Bill.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13APPLAUSE
0:03:16 > 0:03:19And that's the last we ever saw of him.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21That's not a good look.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I was thinking of Zoidberg from Futurama.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27You, honestly, you look fine. You look fine.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31That's so like something out of Lord Of The Rings now.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Even more than ever.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36I'm going to put this as my passport photo.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39"What do you do?" "I'm a fighting king. What do you want?!"
0:03:39 > 0:03:42But you can take it off now, you can all take off your crowns.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Oh, God, thanks, thank you.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Feel more comfortable. Thank you very much, yes.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48So, this brings us to these names. Names, right. Constantine...
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Constantine the Great, the first Constantine was? Was he a Greek?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Well... He was a Roman Emperor,
0:03:54 > 0:03:58but he moved the capital from Rome to his new city, Constantinople.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00And he became Christian,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03and this particular one is a descendant of his
0:04:03 > 0:04:05who became very unpopular
0:04:05 > 0:04:07and so his enemies claimed that, when he was baptised,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10he was so nervous that he pooed in the baptismal font.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Ah, we've all done that!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16We've all had nights out. Yeah.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19So they called him Kopronym, which is the Greek for Crap-Name.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Oh, I see. Poo-Name. Kopronym.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Was he christened, then, as a child or as an adult?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I think... Because it's worse, I think, as an adult.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Yes. Either way, it's embarrassing if you're an emperor
0:04:30 > 0:04:33and that's all they call you - Poo-Name.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36You're still an emperor. I'm still emperor.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38So what were the other ones? Let's have a look.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40See if you can have any sort of mild guess.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Louis the Universal Spider.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46He was actually Louis XI of France.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47There were a lot of Louis,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50so what sort of century would Louis be? I'll give you ten points
0:04:50 > 0:04:52if you're in the right century. Fourteenth. Oh, fifteenth.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54In the 1400s. That's what I meant.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56That's what they call the quattrocento,
0:04:56 > 0:04:58these days they do, don't they? Oh, yeah...
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Could he climb up the water spout? No! That wasn't it.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04It's because he had webs of conspiracies all across Europe.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Oh. It wasn't because he got stuck in the bath?
0:05:07 > 0:05:12No, he was friends of Philip the... Spaniard.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Philip the Good.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I thought it was going to be Philip the Fly.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19"The Good" shows a lack of imagination, doesn't it?
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Yeah. Yeah, the Good.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Good's good though, isn't it?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24It's better than Dave the Satisfactory.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27That's the best you could have hoped for on your reports.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31That's probably what channel we're on now, as people are watching.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34APPLAUSE
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Yeah. Graham the Outstanding.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I think he was called Good
0:05:40 > 0:05:42unfortunately because he pursued so many crusades
0:05:42 > 0:05:46which is not considered good these days. Went off to the Holy Land and killed people.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49We'd never do that today(!) No. No. As if!
0:05:49 > 0:05:52So the next one is King Eystein the Fart.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Is that meant to say Einstein? No. It is Eystein.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59He got it wrong? Eystein the Fart. Eystein the Fart.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00So he farted once?
0:06:00 > 0:06:01No, "Fart" is Norwegian.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Audience, do you know what "Fart" means in this context?
0:06:04 > 0:06:08AUDIENCE MEMBER: Speedy. Speedy, fast. Exactly. Speed, quick.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Oh. So it's just a typo, really.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12No. It's correct in Norwegian.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16It's lost a little bit in the translation.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17He travelled a lot
0:06:17 > 0:06:20and he was also the first source we have in writing of ice-skating.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23He described his own "ice legs".
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Fshhh! Exactly.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Yeah. Oh, ice legs.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33But he was succeeded by his son, whom you will like,
0:06:33 > 0:06:37who has one of the best names, I think, of any king.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Halfdan the Mild.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Halfdan the Mild?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Ah. Surely that's a "half a mile, please, Dan"? Isn't that?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45That's pretty good. Halfdan the Mild.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Yeah. Foreign policy was like, ah, it'll be fine.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I think that's lovely.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I've never understood why they don't do that with warships.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57HMS Mild.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Instead of Intrepid... HMS Weak. Vulnerable.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03The Vulnerable, that'd be a good one to serve on.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05HMS Unarmed.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08HMS Help.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11HMS Colander, that would be a good one.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Right, let's go to King Ragnar.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Why was he called what he was called?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Hairy Breeches. Oh, um...
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Was he very hairy? He wore hairy breeches.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25His wife made them out of animal hide
0:07:25 > 0:07:27and they, supposedly, were there to protect him.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31But as you can see, he's here being killed. How's he being killed?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34By his own trousers.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37No. Did she kill the animals before she made the clothes?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39His Viking ship capsized off the coast of Northumbria,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42and he was thrown into a pit of poisonous snakes.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43What, in Northumbria?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46By the King of England at the time, King Aella.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Where did he find these poisonous snakes from? Adders.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Yeah, but that wouldn't kill him, though.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Adders, that would give you a bit of an itch.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54They're not really poisonous.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56It may be a made-uppy story.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58But Ragnar was eventually avenged by his son,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01who was called Ivar the Boneless.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05That's a great name.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08He'd be called Ivar the Viagra these days. Yes!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10He could get through railings. Yeah.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13And he got his revenge on King Aella...
0:08:13 > 0:08:14It's a pretty good superpower.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Didn't one of the Fantastic Four have that?
0:08:18 > 0:08:22In Valiant comic there used to be Janus, who was an escapology person.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23A bottom with a J in front.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Yes, that's right. And he could get through tiny gaps.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Oh!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31LAUGHTER
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Ah, there you are.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39There you go. Janus. Every week, he seemed to be in a situation...
0:08:39 > 0:08:40A Janal situation!
0:08:40 > 0:08:45..where it would be really helpful if he could get through a tiny gap.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I don't know how the writers kept coming up with these scenarios
0:08:48 > 0:08:51where the only solution was for Janus to get through a tiny gap.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56But he was always going through drain grids and that sort of thing.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58And avoiding the door that was open.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03That'd be too easy! Quite often he'd forgotten his keys.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08That's King Ragnar, the Hairy Breeches,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11being killed by King Aella, looking down on him in the pit.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14But he was avenged by having his ribs opened
0:09:14 > 0:09:18and his lungs spread out against his chest, which was known as...
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Say it again. AUDIENCE MEMBER: The Blood Eagle.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Very good, yes. Audience, ten points.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27He wasn't that boneless if he had a ribcage, then?
0:09:27 > 0:09:31No, he did it to the man who killed his father.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Well, then presumably this person was... It was against his will.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Yes, it was very much against his will.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Yeah. It wasn't just, "Come on then, wa-ay!"
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Help yourself. The thing to have done
0:09:41 > 0:09:44would have been to put hinges in before he arrived.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46It would have been like a cabinet.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48See? Fill your boots.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I saw a documentary about heart surgery
0:09:50 > 0:09:53and to get through the sternum, they used a power saw.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I mean, it was... ALAN WHIRRS
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Did you think you could open it like a Western saloon bar?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00It's kind of hard to get in there. Yeah.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Or a little toffee hammer. And it takes a lot longer.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Yeah.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09When they say he's been in surgery for eight hours,
0:10:09 > 0:10:12it's not eight hours doing the surgery, that's just the knocking-through.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Why don't they just use a big hammer?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16No, that's a crude instrument.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18It's a very small power saw.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21It's not a huge... I mean, it's not a great big one.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24No, it's not a logging thing. STEPHEN MIMES POWER SAW
0:10:25 > 0:10:27It's a tiny... ALAN WHIRS GENTLY
0:10:27 > 0:10:29But when you're over a certain age,
0:10:29 > 0:10:31they can't risk doing that to you any more
0:10:31 > 0:10:34and they actually go up through the...thigh.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Penis. Not the penis!
0:10:35 > 0:10:40Well, you were going, "Up through, up through..." the penis.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43What a pity. Pee-hole surgery.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Requires a steady hand, obviously.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Don't be absurd, they go up through the anus.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Oh, of course. Oh, dear!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59So sorry, Stephen. They go up through a major...
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Yeah, like your mate, through the tiny cracks in the...
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Janus.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08That's why he was called Janus. I've got a job for you, Janus.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Oh!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Up you go. Oh, God!
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Steady, chap.
0:11:13 > 0:11:18Stephen, now, I've got a question about farts. Oh, yes?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Do you think that farts smell before they come out?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I'm not going in to find out!
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Quite a philosophical one from you, Alan.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36If you went up someone, when Janus goes up to do the heart surgery...
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41You wouldn't have to hold your nose, is what I'm saying,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43you'd be free to use both hands.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45If you have a colonoscopy...
0:11:45 > 0:11:48If you were to have a colonoscopy, 24 hours before,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51you have to take these unbelievably powerful...
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Hallucinogenics.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58APPLAUSE
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Whoa! Oo-ee!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Ho-ho, I'm being taken by a space octopus!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11ORNATE FLOURISH
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Oh! I didn't even touch it!
0:12:15 > 0:12:19How does it always end up like this on QI?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22We were talking about kings and it was all noble.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25The thing that Alan said about does a fart smell when it's in you,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28has anyone ever tested to see how quickly
0:12:28 > 0:12:30asparagus makes your wee smell?
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Oh, it's amazingly quick.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34There are some people to whom that doesn't have the effect.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Just as some people have their pee going red when they eat beetroot
0:12:36 > 0:12:39and other people don't. I don't go red when I eat beetroot.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Oh, God, not pee. What are you talking about?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Have you never heard the disaster? What do you mean? Other juice?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48We're back on shitting, but...
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I was having a poo one morning and turned round and it was bright red.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54STEPHEN GASPS And I just thought, well, that's it.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56That's arse cancer. LAUGHTER
0:12:56 > 0:13:02And so I thought, well, fair enough. I've had a great life, just relax.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06And so this went on for several days and each morning, bright red.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Bright red? Yeah. Beetroot.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Ha! You shouldn't put them there.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15The relief! LAUGHTER
0:13:15 > 0:13:18But what would have... If you'd just have thought, "That's it",
0:13:18 > 0:13:21and then you just go on a bender for five days.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Ha! Phone up all your ex-girlfriends.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27For three days I didn't tell anyone. I was a bit weepy. Oh, really?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Then I mentioned it to somebody who said, "Have you been eating beetroot."
0:13:30 > 0:13:32And I had, I'd bought a load of beetroot salad. That was it.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35I had a very similar experience.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39"Oh, my God! I'm an alien."
0:13:39 > 0:13:41So I then phoned the doctor and they go,
0:13:41 > 0:13:43"Oh, you better bring a sample in."
0:13:43 > 0:13:46So got a sample in a jar and went in the doctor's -
0:13:46 > 0:13:48obviously keeping it out of sight -
0:13:48 > 0:13:50and went up to the desk
0:13:50 > 0:13:56and they said, "Name", you know, "B Bailey", like that.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59And then they said, "What's it for?"
0:13:59 > 0:14:02I went, "It's an abnormal bowel movement", like that.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06They went, "No, what's the initial for?" I went, "Oh, Christ!"
0:14:08 > 0:14:12"You didn't hear that!"
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Brilliant.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Pushing on, name a cobra beginning with K.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18King.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22KLAXON Oh, Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25A king cobra isn't actually a cobra.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28It has its own genus, which is in fact ophiophagus,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30which would tell... It sounds like "off your face."
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Off-a your faces?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34No. Ophiophagus. Phagus means?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Eating. Eating. Ophio...
0:14:36 > 0:14:39It means snake. So it's actually a snake-eating snake.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41A snake-eating snake.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Yes, it is, that's right. I saw a cobra eat a snake.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46The true cobras belong to the genus Naja,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49and that includes the kaouthia and the katiensis,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51the Malian cobra, if you wanted to know.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Ah, so close!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Well, maybe you can make up for your lack of points
0:14:55 > 0:14:58by making the noise that a king cobra makes.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01I'm just going to get that klaxon again, aren't I?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04It doesn't make a noise. It does make a distinctive noise.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Was it... All right, OK. "Hello!"
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Very good. So just imitate a king cobra if you can.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Does it hiss? JEREMY BARKS
0:15:12 > 0:15:14We're all... Meow!
0:15:14 > 0:15:15KLAXON Does it bark?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Oh, you did the hiss.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I didn't, it wasn't me, I was barking.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20No, no, no, Alan did the hiss.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23You did the bark, so you get points back. So does it hiss? Does it hiss?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25It barks. What do you mean, it barks?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27It barks like a dog. It barks. Like a dog.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Who does the research? Do you want to hear it?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31It just seems that we should get some... OK.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Here we go. Here, here we go. SNAKE BARKS
0:15:34 > 0:15:37There you go. There's no way that that's a snake!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39It is a king cobra. Fact.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Bring him out, bring him out. Bring him out, yeah.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Just to prove it...
0:15:45 > 0:15:48AS EAMONN ANDREWS: You thought he was over there,
0:15:48 > 0:15:49but he's here tonight. Please welcome...
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I'm sorry. Can we hear that again?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Stephen Fry's barking cobra. It was a guess. Ssh.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57SNAKE BARKS A barking cock-alike.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00ALAN BARKS It feels like if we play that a few times,
0:16:00 > 0:16:04it would sound like the TARDIS. Shall we just...? OK, keep going.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07See if we can... SNAKE BARKS REPEATEDLY
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Anyway, it has a little sort of special place in its trachea
0:16:13 > 0:16:15and a kind of kazoo-like membrane and it makes that noise.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I'm surprised we didn't know that.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Wait a minute, a kazoo, a kazoo-like membrane?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Well, a membrane, yeah.
0:16:24 > 0:16:29It doesn't sound like one, I grant you. It doesn't sound like one.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30OK.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33What else is interesting about king cobras? How venomous are they?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Really venomous.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36More venom than any other snake.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38It's not AS venomous, but they've more of it.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41They've got more of it, and then they envenomate more often.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43They venomate a lot. And they chase you.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Yeah. So they're really bad. They chase you while barking. Yes.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48With more venom than...
0:16:48 > 0:16:52It's warning enough to stay away. Yeah. It can kill 20 men, one bite.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Or one elephant. One bite can kill 20 men? Yeah. Yes.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58No, you're not going to get 20 men who are linked
0:16:58 > 0:17:01unless you've been watching Human Centipede or something.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05A strange number of the audience!
0:17:05 > 0:17:10So, now... Oh, dear, why are we just always in this region?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12It's so unfortunate.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Why might a Frenchman want this up his bottom?
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Cos the French love shoving things up their bottoms.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21KLAXON
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Who knew, who knew I was going to go there?!
0:17:27 > 0:17:29We knew it was you, yeah.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Of course! It's true that if you ask for an aspirin in France,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34their first action is to... Oh, straight up the bottom.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Is it to get tapeworms? No, it is a surgical instrument
0:17:37 > 0:17:39and it was devised for one particular...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41What's our theme this evening? Kings.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Who's the most famous King of France? Louis XIV.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Louis the XIV, the Sun King.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Yes. And he was very fond of riding, and enemas,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50as they all were in those days. Was he constipated often?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53It was worse than that, he developed a condition
0:17:53 > 0:17:55which has a particular name. And...
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Faecal concreting.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58It's in the faecal area.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01I don't know, I just made it up.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04It's when a duct appears between two organs
0:18:04 > 0:18:07and connects them - they shouldn't be connected,
0:18:07 > 0:18:10it causes great pain and it's called... That's a hernia.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Ask ribcage man, he'll know. It means a little pipe and it is?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Fistula. Fistula. Fistula.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19They're very good, this audience. Yeah.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Are we doing QI Historical Embarrassing Bodies?
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Anyway, Louis XIV had a terrible fistula, and his doctor...
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Oh! Oh, no. That's the dilator.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Oh, no.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34That's to dilate. That's what they used for the common man! No.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37The King had to have that too, he had to dilate it with that.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I'm afraid that would have hurt a lot.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Yes, but you still haven't got to why he'd want to
0:18:41 > 0:18:43put a cobra up his bottom.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47That was in order to pierce and slice the fistula. What?!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Yeah. And it worked. Really? It worked.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53So Felix de Tassy, the doctor, was given an estate
0:18:53 > 0:18:56and became hugely popular. And no less than 30 courtiers,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59mimicking the King, said, "Yeah, I've got one of those too."
0:18:59 > 0:19:02You know, it's a really cool thing to have,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04suddenly having a fistula was THE thing at Versailles.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07So he had this huge order book, basically. But to be fair to him,
0:19:07 > 0:19:08he didn't perform the operation
0:19:08 > 0:19:10on anyone who didn't need it,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12he was good enough to spot when people were faking,
0:19:12 > 0:19:13just by trying to mimic a king.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Was that invented for the King? So presumably the doctor said,
0:19:16 > 0:19:19"Come in, pop up on the table." Yep. "Pop that off for me,
0:19:19 > 0:19:23"and I'm just going to put this up your bum. If it doesn't work..."
0:19:23 > 0:19:26What is the instrument on the left? Does that have a name?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I don't know if it actually has a name, I guess it's a fistula...
0:19:28 > 0:19:30It's called a...AAAGH!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34APPLAUSE
0:19:39 > 0:19:43It's now used as a toothpick, of course.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Yes, the King's relief.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47A fistula scalpel... If you want to pick your teeth
0:19:47 > 0:19:51from the back of your throat... Oh, dear! Can't get to my back tooth! Don't worry, sir,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54we'll go in the other way.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55But as I say, the weird thing is
0:19:55 > 0:19:58that 30 courtiers pretended to have this condition
0:19:58 > 0:20:00so that they could boast about having had the royal operation.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05Erm, anyway. Moving on. What has 20 legs,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08five heads, and can't reach its own nuts?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Oh! Wait, hold on.
0:20:11 > 0:20:1420 legs, what? Five heads. Five heads.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Westlife.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Oh!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Oh, you're so lucky. You're so lucky.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25I know what the klaxon was. I presume the klaxon... Shall I?
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Yeah, go on. One Direction?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29KLAXON Whoa!
0:20:31 > 0:20:35I've thought, I've got to go somewhere a little bit away...
0:20:35 > 0:20:37You're so behind, Jeremy, it's very sweet.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Some kind of hideously mutated tyrannosaurus squirrel.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44It's got the word king in it, oddly enough, and it's... Is it a plant?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47It sounds like a Gypsy band, but it's the Squirrel Kings. Squirrel Kings.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50What would Squirrel Kings be? The best squirrels.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Well, oddly enough, no, it's really unfortunate,
0:20:53 > 0:20:55normally they squirm around on the trees,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57but sometimes trees exude a sticky sap.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Yes. And when that happens
0:20:59 > 0:21:01and the baby squirrels get their tails in the sticky sap,
0:21:01 > 0:21:03their tails get stuck together,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05and you can get this, where they're absolutely stuck together.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:21:07 > 0:21:13Oh, that's fucking hysterical. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Seriously, they get stuck together?!
0:21:18 > 0:21:21You are so bad. The audience goes, "Aww!"
0:21:21 > 0:21:26It's not... That's the funniest thing I've ever heard of!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28They're never going to be organised enough to say,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31"Right, ready, steady, all run off in different directions."
0:21:31 > 0:21:34They'll never be able to do that. I'm afraid they will all perish.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38If you saw the damage squirrels do... They are appalling rats.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Talking of rats, people call them tree rats,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43and the phenomenon was first spotted in rats in Germany
0:21:43 > 0:21:45and in museums and universities in Germany
0:21:45 > 0:21:46there are examples of huge rat kings,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49where rats have been shoved together and preserved in alcohol.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52That's a vast one - pretty disgusting-looking, as you can see.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Rats can fall asleep in the sewer, and they sleep together for warmth
0:21:56 > 0:21:59and then they can urinate while they're asleep,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02so they're all just lying in their own urine. I can do that.
0:22:02 > 0:22:07And then sometimes they get so cold that the urine then freezes
0:22:07 > 0:22:11and that kills them. They die in their own frozen urine.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Ah. Ooh. Thank you for that fact.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17I'm sure you'll get points. It's a beautiful story.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Don't change a word of it!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Which trees? Are they lime trees that cause this?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I want to know specifically. Is it a lime tree?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Just one that exudes a lot of sticky sap will do you. Lime.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33Lime does exude a lot of stuff, and some trees, of course, exude a lot.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36You could just buy some sort of maple syrup and just put it in the garden.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38I'm thinking treacle...
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Treacle! What about glue? Yeah, glue!
0:22:41 > 0:22:42LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Glue only sticks people's fingers together,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47you know that, everybody knows that.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Superglue, you nail a car to a wall with it. You can't.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53It will only glue...
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Fingers together.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Have you ever spilt any on your inner thigh?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01What were you trying to do?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04But it was meant for skin. On battlefields, exactly.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07The only thing...
0:23:07 > 0:23:09That's all it can actually do is be a battlefield wound.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12If you try and glue a teapot lid back together again...
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Doesn't work, I know. What was it invented for?
0:23:14 > 0:23:18In the Vietnam war when they had battlefield wounds
0:23:18 > 0:23:20and they didn't have access to be stitched up,
0:23:20 > 0:23:22they developed this glue.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24It sticks skin together. So they seal the wound up,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26get them back to the triage... Yep.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28..area, and then treat them.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Especially in hot climates like Vietnam
0:23:30 > 0:23:33where infections replicate at double, triple, quadruple the speed
0:23:33 > 0:23:35that they would here in Britain, say.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38So they really need to close the wound instanta.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Stat, as they say.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42How do the tails get stuck together? In the rats' case, I don't know...
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Not the rats, no, I'm more interested in the squirrels.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Why would they... I'm not going to be the one
0:23:47 > 0:23:49who teaches you to murder squirrels.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53It's not murder, it's pest control for the sake of Britain's woodland.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55They go up the tree and they get it on their tail?
0:23:55 > 0:23:59What makes them go near another one? They wriggle over each other
0:23:59 > 0:24:00as they look for their mother's milk.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04They're baby squirrels? Yes, they're babies. Oh, that's a bit sad.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07LAUGHTER Oh, he has got a heart, ladies and gentlemen.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Yeah. Oh, yeah, we'll catch you in a minute.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13You'll be caught on camera smearing Pritt on the bumper of your car.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16LAUGHTER
0:24:16 > 0:24:20All right. Now, how could King's Cross Station possibly be improved?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Turn it into a car park.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Turn it into a car park!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26A Wagamama's. LAUGHTER
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Well, we're in your area, which is transport.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30They've the Harry Potter platform there, haven't they?
0:24:30 > 0:24:35They do have the Harry Potter platform. They should just let the kids go for it, I think.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Occasionally you see someone go, "No, no, just don't."
0:24:39 > 0:24:42There should be someone there going, "No, no, have a proper."
0:24:46 > 0:24:48This was a plan in 1931.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Oh, to improve it? Was it the Germans' plan?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54It was the age of optimism and pride and speed and machinery and, oh...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Was it a bit after that?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59So it was the roof... Yeah... Glass. Crystal. The roof was flat.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Runway. Yes!
0:25:01 > 0:25:04It was to have an inner airport for London...
0:25:04 > 0:25:07No way, what, land...? ..on the roof of King's Cross.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08And look at that design. What?!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Why is Boris Johnson messing around with the Thames Estuary
0:25:11 > 0:25:14when we could have one there? Isn't that brilliant? It's brilliant
0:25:14 > 0:25:17apart from whoever's in the middle, where there'll be some traffic.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20It's controlled. I can see where the crashes are going to take place.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23It's controlled. You have radio.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Wait a minute. That's a device for gluing squirrels' tails together!
0:25:26 > 0:25:30That would be... Wouldn't that be great? Isn't it? So great, isn't it?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32And obviously the jet era would have got rid of it,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34they're not long enough for jet runways,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37but they are long enough for ordinary prop airplanes.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Light aircraft could land. They could.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41People could commute to London and it would be great.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I know. Really great. And they had elevators designed
0:25:43 > 0:25:46so the airplanes would be hangared in and then lifted up.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47That's not just Form 4B homework.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49They took it seriously. That was serious?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Yeah. It is lovely, isn't it? I'm very impressed with it.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Quite difficult to land on a kind of a bend, though, isn't it, like that?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I think you use the straight bits. LAUGHTER
0:25:57 > 0:26:01That would have been an amazing pilot's last words.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04"This is tricky!"
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Now, why do more than 300 people need to die
0:26:09 > 0:26:11before you finally get a Burger King?
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Oh. So it's not actually Burger King with a capital B, capital K, then?
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Well, it is actually, a capital B, very much so.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25It's American. No, as in Burger as in Burger of a town.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Could be a relative of the Queen's.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32300 people need to die. Is this King Ralph? Well, it's like King Ralph.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36300 people need to die for this Burger to become Burger King.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Is it about someone who's the 300th in line to the throne?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41It's more than 300. Someone called "Berger".
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Wesley Berger from Oregon is 305th in line to the throne.
0:26:45 > 0:26:50So if 304 people are killed - and we, between us, can do it -
0:26:50 > 0:26:52we'll have a Berger King.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56Surely, at something like the royal wedding,
0:26:56 > 0:26:58if something like the roof fell in -
0:26:58 > 0:27:00heaven forefend, at the royal wedding - you sort of think,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03"Who would be next?" It would be Fergie, she wasn't invited.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06You're right. They must have had him on the phone, going, "You ready?"
0:27:06 > 0:27:09It's your big day tomorrow if this doesn't work out. Wesley!
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Learn the ways of the Force. Is that actually him?
0:27:12 > 0:27:16That's Wesley, Wesley Berger. This is really interesting, I think.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19The law has changed, as you probably know,
0:27:19 > 0:27:24so that now the first-born will be made monarch, not the first male.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27So if, in 1901, when Queen Victoria died,
0:27:27 > 0:27:29the law we've now introduced stood,
0:27:29 > 0:27:33who would have become monarch in 1901?
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Oh, I couldn't care less. I've just remembered. I think you did.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39It would've been... Oh, wait a minute.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Is it Hitler?! No... LAUGHTER.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Is it Marty McFly? No!
0:27:47 > 0:27:48The first-born daughter.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52The first-born was a daughter, who was... The Queen Mum. Victoria.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Her first daughter was Vicky,
0:27:53 > 0:27:56and Vicky died very soon after her mother,
0:27:56 > 0:28:00so her son would have been King, and her son was Kaiser William. Oh.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03So, had we had that law, Kaiser William would have been our King.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06And we would now be speaking German, is that what you're trying to say?
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Or Germany would have been speaking English.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I would not be speaking German, I wouldn't have picked it up by now.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13I'd still be working through my GCSE.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17That is genuinely fascinating. So in 1914 what would have happened?
0:28:17 > 0:28:20We would have got rid of the monarchy probably. Right.
0:28:20 > 0:28:25So many things. If someone had actually got him a horse, erm... Yes.
0:28:25 > 0:28:30He wouldn't have died in a car park in Leicester. No, of course.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32That's a hell of an offer - my kingdom for a horse.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35It was a one-time offer and no-one went, "Go on, have my horse."
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Meh...what else you got?
0:28:40 > 0:28:41I want it in cash.
0:28:42 > 0:28:43Work out why this is true.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46No monarch on the British throne
0:28:46 > 0:28:48has ever been descended from Charles II.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50But if Prince William becomes King,
0:28:50 > 0:28:53he will be the first British monarch to be descended. Because Diana...
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Because Diana was not just descended from Charles II,
0:28:56 > 0:28:58she was descended four times,
0:28:58 > 0:29:00in four different ways, from Charles II.
0:29:00 > 0:29:01Four different ways!
0:29:04 > 0:29:08Hell of a lady! Think how many ancestors you have from that period.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Four of them straight from Charles II.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15Now, what kind of sick person wants to be touched
0:29:15 > 0:29:17by a member of the Royal Family?
0:29:17 > 0:29:18I quite fancied Diana.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Is Pippa Middleton royal? No.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27She's not even a weather girl. JIMMY LAUGHS
0:29:30 > 0:29:33That is perhaps THE most snobbish thing that's ever been said.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36She's not even a weather girl!
0:29:36 > 0:29:37I think she was descended
0:29:37 > 0:29:40from the Weather Girls of Saxe-Coburg, wasn't she?
0:29:40 > 0:29:41She's very nice, I'm sure.
0:29:41 > 0:29:45Apparently she has a very nice bottom. Is this somebody who's ill?
0:29:45 > 0:29:50Somebody ill, yes. Ill people for hundreds of years would be killed...
0:29:50 > 0:29:51Sorry.
0:29:51 > 0:29:56Ill people for hundreds of years would be cured by Kings of England
0:29:56 > 0:29:57or, indeed, France.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59They wouldn't really be, though.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01No, but it was thought that they were.
0:30:01 > 0:30:05King's evil was a disease, which was in infection of the lymph nodes.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07Very unpleasant.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10And it looked like little piglets, which the Latin for was scrofulae.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13So scrofula. You've probably heard the phrase scrofulous. Yeah.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15It was thought that the King touching...
0:30:15 > 0:30:18The Confessor certainly was probably amongst the first to do it,
0:30:18 > 0:30:21would touch people, and give them a gold coin as well -
0:30:21 > 0:30:23king's evil - sometimes with a hole in it
0:30:23 > 0:30:25so they could hang it round themselves to show.
0:30:25 > 0:30:26And the last one to do it was Charles II,
0:30:26 > 0:30:29and he touched 92,107 people.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32Presumably there's something of the placebo effect
0:30:32 > 0:30:35in being touched by the King and lots of people went, "I feel a lot better."
0:30:35 > 0:30:39If you've got piglets coming out your neck, it's going to take a lot more than a placebo to mend that.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41It was stopped... It was relatively recently. George I.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44He stopped it because it was too Catholic. What, the TB?
0:30:44 > 0:30:47No, the process of curing people.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50The superstition was considered too Catholic.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52So it was got ridden of.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55Some cultures have a culture against touching a royal.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58In the 1880s, a Siamese Princess,
0:30:58 > 0:31:01it's around the time of Anna and the King of Siam,
0:31:01 > 0:31:04called Princess Sunandha Kumariratana,
0:31:04 > 0:31:07drowned because nobody was able to touch her,
0:31:07 > 0:31:11they weren't allowed to touch a royal. So she just went down.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13But King Menelik II of Ethiopia. He was Christianised.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15Men he licks?
0:31:15 > 0:31:16Menelik. King Men He Licks.
0:31:19 > 0:31:24King... King Menelik. Like Yoda!
0:31:24 > 0:31:27He liked to cure himself by eating pages of the Bible.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31Did he? Yes. And he died, basically,
0:31:31 > 0:31:35choking on the Book Of Kings.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37Rather appropriate.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43Now, kingfishers - most of the kingfishers in the world
0:31:43 > 0:31:45live near what? Water. Rivers.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47Well, no, they don't. Forests. Kingfishers?
0:31:47 > 0:31:50No, most of the kingfishers in Britain live near water.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52But most of the kingfishers in the world don't. Sea?
0:31:52 > 0:31:54No. Not near water at all.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57Why are they called kingfishers? That's a British word for them.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59Because we in Britain see them by the river.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03They're called kingfishers all over the world. No, they're called "alkuon" in Greek.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05What do you think we call them...? The Greek for kingfisher?
0:32:05 > 0:32:08Halcyon, exactly, but it doesn't mean "fisher".
0:32:08 > 0:32:09There it is, fishing.
0:32:09 > 0:32:10It's... In Britain.
0:32:10 > 0:32:15Sorry, why does it...? Fishing again. In Britain.
0:32:15 > 0:32:19In Britain. The evidence is there behind you.
0:32:19 > 0:32:23In Britain. No, but if you go to... Go to Africa.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26Somewhere that isn't Britain. Africa. For example.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29I've seen a kingfisher not anywhere near a river, you're right.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32In Africa... They're mostly all like this.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35Mostly in Africa they live in disused termite nests.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38It looked lost. They live in disused termite nests.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41"You haven't got a fish on you, Bill, have you?" Yes.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44"I mean, you haven't seen a river round here, have you?
0:32:44 > 0:32:47"Water or anything?" What is the colour of that kingfisher?
0:32:47 > 0:32:50It's a turquoisey really, isn't it? Azure? Turquoise?
0:32:50 > 0:32:52It's brown. It's brown? Yeah.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55This programme's getting more and more ridiculous every week.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57It is a sort of optical illusion.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59In fact, the actual colour pigment is brown,
0:32:59 > 0:33:01but it iridesces it.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03I must remember,
0:33:03 > 0:33:05I'll go to the middle of the Sahara Desert and get one,
0:33:05 > 0:33:08and then put it in a darkened room and see what colour it is.
0:33:08 > 0:33:12Yeah. Perfect. Just because it's not near a river
0:33:12 > 0:33:14doesn't mean it's in the Sahara Desert. It eats fish!
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Are you saying that the colour it is
0:33:18 > 0:33:19isn't the colour that it appears to be?
0:33:19 > 0:33:21No, because all colour is perception.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24But that's kind of what I meant by colour.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26Yeah. But the... That's a bluey colour, that fella.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29But if you examine it, in terms of its actual pigmentation...
0:33:29 > 0:33:30Right up close. Right up close,
0:33:30 > 0:33:34rather than where it is presenting, with the light striking it.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Oh, right, so if I examine it without any light. No.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39Oh, that feels brown.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42I just don't understand when you do this on this show,
0:33:42 > 0:33:44you go, "That brown thing is a blue thing
0:33:44 > 0:33:46"and that blue thing is a brown thing."
0:33:46 > 0:33:49I know, but iridescence is a very particular quality -
0:33:49 > 0:33:52in the same way that petrol is not rainbow-coloured.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55You put it on water in a puddle and it seems to be, but it's not.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58It's pink. Nobody knows what colour petrol is.
0:33:58 > 0:34:02Well, quite, exactly. Yeah, that's right. It could be any colour.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04No-one has ever checked.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06Nobody's ever gone, "What colour is this?"
0:34:06 > 0:34:09They used to have pink or blue diesel, didn't they, for farmers?
0:34:09 > 0:34:12Red diesel. Which you're not allowed to put in your car, and I don't.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14No. Quite right.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19Evading tax, Jeremy, it's a slippery slope.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21All right.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23APPLAUSE
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Just saying.
0:34:25 > 0:34:29OK, it's time for a little experiment.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32It's our K series - knick-knack.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34Talking of colours...
0:34:34 > 0:34:37Green, yellow and red.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39What's that brown liquid?
0:34:41 > 0:34:44These are all readily available liquids.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47This is blue Curacao, which is a sort of liqueur.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50This is nothing more nor less than lemonade.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53And this is pomegranate juice. We're making cocktails!
0:34:53 > 0:34:58Excellent. Things are looking right. I'm going to mix them together.
0:34:58 > 0:35:02There we are, and they all go into a horrible sort of colour.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04The colour of a kingfisher.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07If you can now put them back.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12And then we put these away. It's alchemy.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15There we go. I'm going to pour here.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Different colour in a different glass. There we are.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21Now, this is quite difficult, by the way, to catch on camera.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24But nonetheless... Or indeed to the naked eye.
0:35:24 > 0:35:28No, you hold it up to the light. Just tell me what colour it is.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30What colour's that?
0:35:31 > 0:35:36It's reddish. It's got reddy. Yours is? Blue. Blue.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39So you're seeing red and you're seeing blue. What can the reason be?
0:35:39 > 0:35:41The shape of the glass. Simply that.
0:35:41 > 0:35:45It's the width of the glass. I work with James May, I know these things.
0:35:45 > 0:35:49It's a taste sensation. What do you make of that?
0:35:49 > 0:35:55You might just see on camera... It's quite sweet. It's quite sweet.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58My teeth have gone the same colour as Jeremy's.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01It's gone the colour of a kingfisher.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04You should be able to see on camera here, this one is both.
0:36:04 > 0:36:08No, I can see that. The top bit is purple and the bottom bit is blue.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11Yes! You're the best science teacher we've ever had!
0:36:13 > 0:36:15Credit where credit is due.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18Let's have congratulations for this beautiful experiment,
0:36:18 > 0:36:21which was devised by Doctor Alice Bowen.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24Well done, Alice. APPLAUSE
0:36:26 > 0:36:28Now, let's see if we can get some points back
0:36:28 > 0:36:30with some simple royal questions.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33How many King Henrys of England have there been?
0:36:33 > 0:36:36ORNATE FLOURISH
0:36:36 > 0:36:38Say it. Eight! No!
0:36:38 > 0:36:41KLAXON
0:36:41 > 0:36:44There were nine, in fact. Henry II had a son,
0:36:44 > 0:36:45who was known as Young King Henry,
0:36:45 > 0:36:48who, according to the French tradition,
0:36:48 > 0:36:51was anointed King while Henry II, his father, was still alive.
0:36:51 > 0:36:56And so he wasn't given the reginal number III, but he was King,
0:36:56 > 0:36:57and he died at age 27 or so,
0:36:57 > 0:37:00and he was quite an amusing fellow.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03He was very popular, he died young, but when he was 17, he...
0:37:03 > 0:37:05He got in trouble with his father
0:37:05 > 0:37:07for refusing to turn up home at the castle for Christmas.
0:37:07 > 0:37:11Instead, he held a feast in Normandy
0:37:11 > 0:37:15in which he invited only knights whose name were William.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17It's a randomly peculiar thing to do.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20So he was actually Henry the second-and-a-half.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22Yeah, kind of, yeah.
0:37:22 > 0:37:26I love the idea of that party, though. He's been to so many royal events and fancy weddings and gone,
0:37:26 > 0:37:29"I can't remember everyone's name. I just want Williams."
0:37:29 > 0:37:32And he arrived, went, "Hello, William. All right, William?
0:37:32 > 0:37:33"William." "Bill, Bill..."
0:37:33 > 0:37:36Saves you having to bother with the name, like the Beefsteak Club in London,
0:37:36 > 0:37:39where all the staff are called Charles, whatever their names,
0:37:39 > 0:37:42so people go, "Hello, Charles, I thought Charles would be here."
0:37:42 > 0:37:44"No, milord, Charles is ill, so Charles is here."
0:37:44 > 0:37:47Is this a real place? It is a real place called the Beefsteak Club.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49You're a member of that? I am, yes.
0:37:54 > 0:37:58It's very old and very good fun.
0:38:00 > 0:38:01Don't mock me.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05Yeah, we just go to a caff, but, yeah...
0:38:05 > 0:38:06That makes you more real.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09"Charles, oh, Charles, yes, Charles, tea please, two teas," you know.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12The staff from there are probably watching this, going,
0:38:12 > 0:38:13"Oh, it's that Stephen Fry,
0:38:13 > 0:38:17"he thinks everyone's called Charles. Bloody idiot."
0:38:17 > 0:38:18We can't just tell him now.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20Someone's just told you that the first day you arrived.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22It's a practical joke on you.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25All right. Did they also ask you to go for a long wait?
0:38:25 > 0:38:29No, they didn't. Now, name the Queen's official residence.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33ORNATE FLOURISH
0:38:33 > 0:38:34I'll go Balmoral. Ah!
0:38:34 > 0:38:37KLAXON
0:38:40 > 0:38:432A Pall Mall.
0:38:45 > 0:38:482A Pall Mall, SW1. Yeah.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50No. ORNATE FLOURISH
0:38:50 > 0:38:54I'm going to say official residence, Buckingham Palace.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56KLAXON
0:38:56 > 0:38:58I meant Windsor Castle. No!
0:38:58 > 0:39:01KLAXON
0:39:02 > 0:39:04A submarine is sinking somewhere.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07Yeah. Berlin. Jeremy Klaxon.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10Sandringham? Sorry? Sandringham?
0:39:10 > 0:39:13Oh, Alanny-wallany-woo. Not Sandringham.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15KLAXON
0:39:15 > 0:39:17I'm feeling left out.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19I wonder why there's three different pictures.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22It's 3A. It isn't...
0:39:22 > 0:39:24Center Parcs, Surrey. I don't know.
0:39:24 > 0:39:25The Eagle's Nest.
0:39:27 > 0:39:28Does she have a static caravan?
0:39:28 > 0:39:32If you are the American Ambassador, you present your credentials to?
0:39:32 > 0:39:34It's actually the Queen... The court of...?
0:39:34 > 0:39:37St James's Palace, is that her official...? The right answer!
0:39:37 > 0:39:40If only I could award you more points... I wish I didn't have
0:39:40 > 0:39:42this speech impediment that made Buckingham sound...
0:39:42 > 0:39:45St James's Palace is the official residence of the monarch,
0:39:45 > 0:39:49although she does, of course, spend most of her time in her second, third, fourth, fifth homes.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52Now, here's some potassium iodide.
0:39:52 > 0:39:56It's a catalyst for my next experiment. Oooh! Yes!
0:39:56 > 0:39:59My next experiment also involves me having,
0:39:59 > 0:40:01for health and safety reasons, to wear these.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03Cowabunga, dude, you look awesome!
0:40:03 > 0:40:06Tell us, O mighty king.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08ALL: Oooh!
0:40:08 > 0:40:13Oh, stop it, no! I can tell from that sample you've had asparagus.
0:40:13 > 0:40:14Well...
0:40:16 > 0:40:19What that is, is H2O2. Does anyone know what H2O2 is?
0:40:19 > 0:40:22Water water. Yes. Double water.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25It's H2O, it's water with an extra oxygen molecule,
0:40:25 > 0:40:26but it has a different name.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Hydrogen peroxide.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30They're a good audience.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33Well, that's partly because three quarters of the women
0:40:33 > 0:40:35have got blonde hair.
0:40:35 > 0:40:36But it's quite unstable
0:40:36 > 0:40:39and it's always trying to lose its extra molecule
0:40:39 > 0:40:41and turn to water and to oxygen gas.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43And we've mixed it here
0:40:43 > 0:40:46with some ordinary detergent, some washing-up liquid.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48So could you go and stand next to Bill?
0:40:48 > 0:40:51It's not really violent, let's just say... Well, why...?
0:40:51 > 0:40:53Let's just say...
0:40:53 > 0:40:55Hang on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
0:40:55 > 0:40:57What? When? What am I, a human shield or something?
0:40:57 > 0:41:01It's all right, you're this side of him, it's not that violent.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03Stephen, you don't seem too concerned about my safety.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06You can stand next to Jeremy, that's a good point.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08It's that much nearer Alan.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11It's really, you'll see, it's not going to be dangerous.
0:41:11 > 0:41:17It isn't dangerous. It might be dangerous. It isn't. Just hold me.
0:41:17 > 0:41:18It's basically...
0:41:18 > 0:41:20Do you want to sit on my knee?
0:41:22 > 0:41:24Don't stop, I liked it. Here we go, are you ready?
0:41:24 > 0:41:26Do you want to count me down, audience?
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Count me down from three. Three...
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Oh, what comes next? AUDIENCE: Two...
0:41:30 > 0:41:31one!
0:41:31 > 0:41:33LONE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Zero.
0:41:33 > 0:41:34GASPING
0:41:34 > 0:41:35APPLAUSE
0:41:35 > 0:41:38Oh, very good. There you go.
0:41:41 > 0:41:42And so...
0:41:42 > 0:41:45That's quite a money shot!
0:41:47 > 0:41:50Stephen, are you suggesting, if I get some of that potassium...?
0:41:50 > 0:41:53That that will really make you perform in bed? No.
0:41:54 > 0:41:57Well... That's amazing! ..that magnificent...
0:42:00 > 0:42:02Whoa, it's still... Oh, yeah, that's it, baby.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07It's a rather horrible yellow at the edges, though, isn't it?
0:42:07 > 0:42:10Yeah, it does get like that! Do you know what? I've been away.
0:42:10 > 0:42:14Anyway, that brings us to the final scores, while it's still flowing.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16And...let's have a look here.
0:42:16 > 0:42:19I'll have to hurry you, because you're going to be invisible.
0:42:19 > 0:42:23In last place, with minus 38 points, it's Jeremy Klaxon.
0:42:23 > 0:42:26APPLAUSE
0:42:28 > 0:42:31Second equal...second equal,
0:42:31 > 0:42:34with minus 19, Bill and Jimmy.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36APPLAUSE
0:42:36 > 0:42:38APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:42:38 > 0:42:40Do my eyes deceive me?
0:42:40 > 0:42:45Tonight's runaway winner with minus 18, Alan Davies!
0:42:45 > 0:42:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:52 > 0:42:56Though the unquestionably knowledgeable audience
0:42:56 > 0:42:59takes the ultimate palm with plus eight!
0:42:59 > 0:43:02THEY CHEER
0:43:02 > 0:43:06So from Jimmy, Jeremy, Bill, Alan and me,
0:43:06 > 0:43:07good night.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:27 > 0:43:30Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd