0:00:01 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:31 > 0:00:35(YODELS) Gooooooood evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:37 > 0:00:41good evening and welcome to QI, where tonight's theme is Killers.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45And our keen ktenologists - look it up - are...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47the menacing Jason Manford.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:51 > 0:00:54The merciless Sandi Toksvig.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:56 > 0:00:59The murderous Trevor Noah.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:02 > 0:01:05And the mostly harmless Alan Davies.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:11 > 0:01:15So, let's hear their homicidal death-knells. Sandi goes...
0:01:15 > 0:01:17CLOCK CHIMES
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Just once. Jason goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:23CROW CAWS
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Trevor goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:25KNIVES SCRAPE
0:01:27 > 0:01:28And Alan goes...
0:01:28 > 0:01:34# Killing me softly with his song Killing me softly... #
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Well, it was common in the Second World War, death by Flack.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42So, name the world's second-best hunter.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I mean, human beings must be the first, surely.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47We get rid of entire species without any trouble at all.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Which one is that? Second-best hunter...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Do you recognise him? Hemingway.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54That's Hemingway, he was mad on hunting.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55And man is indeed the most efficient,
0:01:55 > 0:01:57we wipe out whole species. Yes, so who's second?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Sharks. Killer whale.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02I always get... Killer whale is the right answer.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Very good.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08He's even got it in his name.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11That's how successful he is, he even called himself a killer.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13He's even got the word killer in his name, you're right.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16And the point about the killer whale is firstly,
0:02:16 > 0:02:20that they're misnamed, that it was the Spanish name for them,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22which we misinterpreted as killer whale.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26They're actually whale killers. They kill whales.
0:02:26 > 0:02:31I've seen a documentary where they pursued a mother and a baby.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Grey whale, yeah.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35For hundreds of miles. Up the coast of California, probably.
0:02:35 > 0:02:40Two or three of them, and eventually they get too tired to fend them off
0:02:40 > 0:02:42and then they eat the baby whale.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46I know, the point is they act in packs. And they're not whales.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47They're people.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Can you tell from, almost from the arcing leap that he's making.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53It's a dolphin.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57They are dolphins that really, really are very intelligent.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00And they have an amazing way of attacking their prey.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04And apart from whales, they're particularly fond of a juicy...?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Seals. They eat... Yeah, they love their seals.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09But what's so impressive is the technique they use
0:03:09 > 0:03:11and also how they... Well, they beach themselves, don't they?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13They actually... That's one way,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15is they actually get them on land, yeah.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17But there's an even more impressive way, which is they
0:03:17 > 0:03:19try and tilt the little ice flow that the seals will be on...
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Knock them off. And if the ice flow is too big,
0:03:22 > 0:03:26they line up in a row with a leader who sort of blows a signal.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28The young ones watch and they literally,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31they sort of check that the young ones are watching so they learn
0:03:31 > 0:03:33the technique, and then line abreast, they charge the ice flow,
0:03:33 > 0:03:38creating a bow wave, which goes over the ice flow so the seal falls off.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41We can show you that. Here they are.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43There you are, there's the line of them.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46And there's, the wave is going to go right over the...woof!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Knock the poor thing off.
0:03:49 > 0:03:54But it's very cunning. And sad. And sad, it's true.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Clever. But, damn, it's clever.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Another smart move that was observed in 2005 by...
0:04:02 > 0:04:05What is the other word for a killer whale? I'm sure you know. Orca.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Yeah. A group was found, or at least a single orca was seen,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11regurgitating into the sea.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14And herrings then flocked down to eat the puke...
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Sorry, did I say herrings? I meant herring gulls.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19And I come from the land of the herring
0:04:19 > 0:04:21and I'd lost myself in this story.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25These birds swooped down onto the puke and started to eat it
0:04:25 > 0:04:29and it then ate the birds. So it was a clever strategy. Bait.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31It was bait. It created its own bait by throwing up.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33And then other orcas were seen to imitate it.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36It had never been observed before and that's what's
0:04:36 > 0:04:37so dolphin-like about them.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39They learn new behaviours and transmit them.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Do you think it discovered it by accident?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43It'd had a bit of a night on the sauce and... Probably.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Oh, hello, the gulls are coming. Almost certainly.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49It'd probably eaten a dodgy prawn. Yes.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51It's one of the worst things about being sea life.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Constantly eating seafood all the time.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56That's right, they don't have a vegetarian option.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Also, as you rightly said, they do attack on land,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03that's to say they come precariously close to beaching themselves.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05They're always in disguise then, aren't they?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08They wear hats and scarves. They look like lifeguards.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Seal moustaches. Two of them on each other's shoulders with a long coat.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13We can see them doing it actually,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16we've got a little bit of footage of the attack of the orca
0:05:16 > 0:05:17on the poor old...
0:05:17 > 0:05:22The seals think, "We're safe now..." Oh, no.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Ooh.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26But, oh...
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Well, it's in there somewhere. Oh, there we go.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32You should voice-over more wildlife documentaries.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:36APPLAUSE
0:05:36 > 0:05:37That one got away.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Bizarrely enough, I did voice-over one called Ocean Giants,
0:05:43 > 0:05:47which was about dolphins and whales, yeah, precisely.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50But fortunately it wasn't quite such a vague script.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I did a show for the BBC called Walk On The Wild Side.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Oh, yes, I did one of those, yeah.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00And you did, you played a panda I think, that was over-eating
0:06:00 > 0:06:03or something. And we also had Sir Tom Jones do one.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06And everyone, like yourself, we just sent them the script
0:06:06 > 0:06:08and, you know, it takes two minutes just to record it
0:06:08 > 0:06:10and send it back in. And Tom Jones,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12we just got a phone call one day in the studio,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14and he said, "I've been, I've been sent this script
0:06:14 > 0:06:17"saying you want me to play a lion." I was like, "Yeah, that's right.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20He went, "I don't really like lions." And I was like, "What?"
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Like...
0:06:21 > 0:06:23and I said, "Well, we're recording tomorrow,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"is there any animal you'd prefer?"
0:06:25 > 0:06:27He went, "I'm a big fan of the penguin."
0:06:29 > 0:06:33I had like 24 hours to write a penguin sketch.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Did it sing, the penguin? Did you get it to sing?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38No, it was just, it was a penguin... It did when he'd finished with it.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Well, there you are. Killer whales, they're not whales,
0:06:40 > 0:06:42but they are killers.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Now, how can a bottle of whisky save your life?
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Ah.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Well, in a fight, I'm assuming.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Is it the bottle or the contents?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52It's the contents, ingestion of whisky.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Well, if you suffer trauma and you've got ethanol
0:06:54 > 0:06:58in your system, presumably you're going to be better off. Presumably...
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Shut up! How did you know that?!
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Because I've had a lot of trauma while drunk.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08LAUGHTER
0:07:08 > 0:07:09APPLAUSE
0:07:12 > 0:07:14You are absolutely right.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17There is a documented case where it was literally a bottle of whisky.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19There was a New Zealand chef called Duthie,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21who went on a vodka binge, and he went blind.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24He was literally blind drunk.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27They think it was because he was on diabetic medication,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30and that this basically turned it all into formaldehyde,
0:07:30 > 0:07:34which can cause blindness, as well as preserving you very nicely.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38And the usual thing is to put someone on an ethanol drip.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42They didn't have any medical ethanol in this particular hospital,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44but they did have an offy, so they went and got a bottle
0:07:44 > 0:07:48of Johnny Walker Black Label, and they put him on a drip,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51and five days later, he woke up with sight fully restored.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Wow! Wow.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56On a whisky drip. It was a whisky drip, literally a bottle of whisky.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Sounds like a good name for a pub, doesn't it? It does, actually.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01The Whisky Drip. I think it's a fact,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04if you have an accident or a serious injury and you're drunk at the time,
0:08:04 > 0:08:07you're probably more likely to recover than if you are...
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Shut up again!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11..sober. Oh, sorry.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Did you sneak into my dressing rooms and look at my cards?
0:08:14 > 0:08:18No, no, no! I mean, I know this. I wrote a play,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21which was a lot about soldiers and how they deal with things.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23And some of the soldiers who were intoxicated at the time
0:08:23 > 0:08:25of the battle did better, they recovered better.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Well, you're absolutely right. Did you know this?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29TREVOR: I always knew about the rag doll effect,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32if you have the alcohol and then if you fall or if you're in a
0:08:32 > 0:08:34car accident, because you don't brace,
0:08:34 > 0:08:38it's the same as a baby, if you drop babies, they're fine, they just...
0:08:40 > 0:08:42So if you're drunk, that's why you recover quicker,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45because you just don't brace and then you, it just goes through you.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Do you think they probably end up in more situations
0:08:47 > 0:08:49where you're likely to get hurt?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51That is a true, because...
0:08:51 > 0:08:53You get other injuries, you get other DRIs, don't you,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Drink Related Injuries. DRIs, I like the fact you know that.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58That's a bit disturbing. Yeah, well a friend I know...
0:08:58 > 0:09:02All right, we've got Mr Davies presenting with a DRI again.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I had a friend who had a great DRI where he managed to get home,
0:09:05 > 0:09:09against all odds, and then fell asleep against a radiator.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Oh!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Quite a nasty burn on his arm, he had. Yeah.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16There was like a practical joke, like kids did,
0:09:16 > 0:09:20when I was growing up, which was to fill a ball, a football,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23up with cement, for example, you know, from somebody's garden...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Oh, wow! You fill a football and leave it outside a pub.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28And drunk men cannot resist.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Oh, Jesus!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33They just can't resist a football.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35"I've got this one, Dave!"
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Oh, argh!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39That is the... It's a hell of a practical joke, but it's...
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Especially if you put a goal post on the wall. Yeah.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48But this is extraordinary, all I have to do is fill in the dots here.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51It was Lee Friedman of the University of Illinois in Chicago
0:09:51 > 0:09:53who spent 14 years examining this effect.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57He analysed the blood alcohol of 190,000 trauma patients.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59He found that with the exception of burns,
0:09:59 > 0:10:01death rates from all types of traumatic injury fell as
0:10:01 > 0:10:05blood alcohol levels rose, which is extraordinary, isn't it?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07190,000 seems like an enormous number of...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09It's a big cohort, as they would say, isn't it?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Exactly. Which makes it quite a respected study.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Amongst the extremely drunk, mortality rates were cut by
0:10:13 > 0:10:16nearly 50%. Gunshot and stab victims, however,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19showed the greatest benefit, which wouldn't be the ragdoll effect,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I don't suppose. There's some kind of anaesthetic element to it really.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26There is the anaesthetic element, which I suppose makes you behave
0:10:26 > 0:10:28less dramatically in a way that increases blood flow.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Yeah... "Oh! I'm bleeding!"
0:10:29 > 0:10:33You say, "Oh, look at that." "Oh, no! Oh, no!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35"Awww.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38"Must've been shot!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42"Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:10:43 > 0:10:46"Oh, I'd better just have a short.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50"And then I think I'll go to hospital,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53"it's going to be so busy on a weekend."
0:10:53 > 0:10:56"One more Jager Bomb couldn't do any harm, could it?"
0:10:56 > 0:10:58"Well, this isn't going to wait..."
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Yeah, exactly.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01"Come on, let's go to hospital.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04"They've got a bar, they'll have a bar there."
0:11:04 > 0:11:06"Hobs, hobsital."
0:11:06 > 0:11:08"I'm fine. I've been shot, but I'm fine."
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Amongst drivers, however, you were two to four times more likely to die
0:11:15 > 0:11:19in a car crash, or of a car crash, as it were, involved in a car crash.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21But I think you've covered everything quite brilliantly.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23There's the ragdoll effect
0:11:23 > 0:11:26and there seems to be an improvement in recovery from trauma.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29So if you think you're going to get shot or stabbed, get drunk first.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Now you use a silver bullet for...?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Vampires. You could try it on a vampire,
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I don't think it would do any good. Got to be a werewolf.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Or silver does, or silver...
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Oh, is silver good for vampires? Silver's good for vampires.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Are these real now? You're very knowledgeable about this.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46The reality of vampires.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Because part of the myth was that the silver came from the coins
0:11:48 > 0:11:51that Judas got, you remember. Yes, 30 pieces.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54The first vampire came from Judas when he was...
0:11:54 > 0:11:56when he hung himself after Jesus...
0:11:56 > 0:11:57SANDI: Did he turn into a vampire?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00TREVOR: Well, they say that Judas became the first vampire,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02and then the silver burns them
0:12:02 > 0:12:04because that's what they gave Judas to betray.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07He got the silver pieces. So that's why it's silver for all of them,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10but you want a bullet for a wolf because they're fast.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Vampires, just, the gun is useless, so...
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Well, that's covered the vampire side of the question
0:12:21 > 0:12:24quite perfectly. But the square bullet, on the other hand,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27these don't need to be silver. Against who would...?
0:12:27 > 0:12:31I think this is... I think this is a very old gun
0:12:31 > 0:12:33and I think it's something politically incorrect.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Is that right? Again, yeah. You've been...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I'm going to test my cards for your DNA and fingerprints.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40No, it's the... I'm slightly distracted
0:12:40 > 0:12:43cos that so looks like a woman I went out with, but...
0:12:46 > 0:12:47APPLAUSE
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Every morning I'd say the word orthodontist.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I don't think any man would ask for oral sex
0:12:59 > 0:13:02from that particular werewolf, to be perfectly honest.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04I think that would be a risk.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07You're right, it was designed in the early part of the 18th century,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09in fact in 1718. I think it was to kill Turks. Turks.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Turks, but most specifically Muslims, I think.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14The square bullet was to show them how great Christianity was.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I think that was the kind of plan behind the square bullet.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18There was a specific gun...
0:13:18 > 0:13:19It was called the Puckle Gun.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24Puckle Gun, James Puckle. James Puckle, invented it in 1718,
0:13:24 > 0:13:28and his idea was that you used the round bullets for Christians,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31and the square bullets were for the Ottoman Turks.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Quite a good idea, the square bullet,
0:13:33 > 0:13:35because if you drop one, it won't roll away.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37There is, however, a bad side to it.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39You can't rifle a square bullet,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41and it's the rifling that gives it accuracy through the air.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43So are they a bit rubbish, the square bullets?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46It makes it spin and go fast. It would just go wobble, wobble
0:13:46 > 0:13:47wobble, wobble. Wouldn't hit anybody.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49So if you were a Turk or a Muslim,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51you'd be encouraging the square bullet.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53"I think you should definitely use the square ones on us."
0:13:53 > 0:13:55It was supposed to show the benefits of Christianity,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58in fact it showed, it inferred, the deficiency of James Puckle's ideas
0:13:58 > 0:14:00of aerodynamics and rifling.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02You might hit a Christian!
0:14:02 > 0:14:03You might accidentally hit a Christian.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06It's not really right to call it the first machine gun,
0:14:06 > 0:14:10but it was three times faster to load and fire
0:14:10 > 0:14:11than the current musket.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15It was nine rounds a minute, which wasn't bad for 1718.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20It's interesting, cos I guess technically the first bulletproof
0:14:20 > 0:14:24vests were created by the Zulus, when they were fighting the British.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28And Shaka discovered that if you dip your leather shield in water
0:14:28 > 0:14:32before you go into battle, then the pellets couldn't penetrate.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Oh, is it really, was that...? Yeah, yeah, that's...
0:14:34 > 0:14:37It hardened the leather that much. Yeah, and that's how the Zulus
0:14:37 > 0:14:39could kill so many. Because what will happen is,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42they only needed one bullet and then they would advance so quickly
0:14:42 > 0:14:44that then they would kill five or six British people
0:14:44 > 0:14:45before they could reload.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Do you have Zulu blood in you?
0:14:47 > 0:14:48I do, I guess, yes, because...
0:14:48 > 0:14:51HE CLICKS TONGUE ..Xhosa people are of the Zulus.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Oh, you're Xhosa. Oh, do that again, I love that. I'm half Xhosa.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Oh, do it again. Xhosa. Xhosa. I can't do that.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57It's given as an exclamation mark, isn't it?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59No, that's the X. There's three clicks.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01There's the X... LATERAL CLICK
0:15:01 > 0:15:03There's the Q... POSTALVEOLAR CLICK
0:15:03 > 0:15:05And the C, which is... CENTRAL CLICK
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Those are the three different...
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Oh, it's just... I love that. So that's the... You've seduced me.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Not that you wanted to, I'm sure.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Who was that wonderful... Was it Miriam Makeba who sang...
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Yes, The Click Song. It goes...
0:15:17 > 0:15:19HE SINGS THE CLICK SONG
0:15:19 > 0:15:22That's the song. Oooooh!
0:15:22 > 0:15:23APPLAUSE
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Yeah, so the Xhosa's were technically...
0:15:30 > 0:15:32they were basically pacifists of the Zulus, you know.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34They were chased out, they separated from the tribe. Right.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37So they weren't as... Like, the Zulus were really our pride...
0:15:37 > 0:15:40In terms of military, they are our pride and joy, they are...
0:15:40 > 0:15:41With the assegais...
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Yeah. Everything they did was revolutionary, just like the first...
0:15:44 > 0:15:47They were the first ones with the shortened spear,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50so Shaka invented a spear that was quicker to stab with
0:15:50 > 0:15:52and not as cumbersome to lug around.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Right, like a sort of javelin... Yes, yes, yes.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Cos the spear hadn't really been changed over all those years,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59and he... So he changed that, he changed everything.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01He was one of the best military, you know... Yeah.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04You guys...if it wasn't for the guns, you guys wouldn't be here.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06I know, we wouldn't have had a chance.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Just do that bit of singing again.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11With the...? Just do that bit of singing again.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15SINGS THE CLICK SONG
0:16:15 > 0:16:16That's the song.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20You don't know me well, Trevor, but I'm on the turn, I'm telling you.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21APPLAUSE
0:16:26 > 0:16:30You've only got Jason and Alan left to seduce, Trevor, I have to say.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32I think he's a cracking fella.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Well, there you go, that's your man Puckle and again, well done, Sandi.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39The knowledge, just amazing.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Now, here's a killer question for you, Alan. We are both actors.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Why are we so grotesquely overpaid?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Market forces.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51We're not in charge of the distribution of wealth.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Any excuse we can think of.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58What profession within the film industry might think that
0:16:58 > 0:17:02they are responsible entirely for the way an actor conveys...
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Screenwriters? The screenwriter certainly has a lot,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07as far as the story is concerned, but they can't control,
0:17:07 > 0:17:11as it were, what an audience reads into an actor's eyes.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Cameraman?
0:17:13 > 0:17:14The editor. The editor, yeah.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17In 1919, when cinema was being born, there was
0:17:17 > 0:17:19a film-maker called Lev Kuleshov
0:17:19 > 0:17:23and he proposed putting together a film in which
0:17:23 > 0:17:26you saw an actor looking at things
0:17:26 > 0:17:31and you noticed that the audience read into the actor
0:17:31 > 0:17:34different emotions according to what they are looking at.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37So the idea is that we think they're looking melancholy
0:17:37 > 0:17:40because they're looking at something... Or hungry. Or hungry.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42But the actor has actually not changed.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45It is exactly the same shot of the actor. That's the trick of acting.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47All actors know that. Yes, it's not to act.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50If in doubt, don't do anything at all. And directors will tell you.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Milos Forman famously shouts, "Stop acting! Somebody is acting here!"
0:17:53 > 0:17:56There's a famous Bogart one.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59At the end, he looks down on some carnage
0:17:59 > 0:18:02and everyone was very impressed by the emotions he portrayed.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06But the shot had been done much later and the camera went down low
0:18:06 > 0:18:09and he stood up on a balcony and the director said, "Look bored."
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Yes. It works like that. They cut it in. It's extraordinary how it is.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15It is the effect, the timing of the story,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18it's what the actor seems to be looking at
0:18:18 > 0:18:19and it's the audience that does the work.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22They read the emotion into the face.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Oh, look, we've actually cut our own together.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28So you can see here, what's this emotion? Confusion.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30He's looking hard at something.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32HE GASPS Can he believe it's true?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Oh, no, Arsenal have lost again.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:42 > 0:18:44LAUGHTER
0:18:44 > 0:18:46What a beautiful bike.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51LAUGHTER
0:18:51 > 0:18:52APPLAUSE
0:18:55 > 0:18:56There you are.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Proof positive, as if it were needed. Anyway.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07Thanks to the Kuleshov effect, good acting may be just good editing.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Now, Alan, be honest. Have you ever enjoyed a shower in chocolate sauce?
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Is this a euphemism?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22It emphatically is not.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25And everybody is to put away those thoughts.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28No, I've put my hand in a chocolate fountain...
0:19:28 > 0:19:29KLAXON SOUNDS
0:19:30 > 0:19:33We are almost certain you have enjoyed a shower in chocolate sauce.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Ooh! Oh, hello.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I was so drunk, Sandi.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41I suspect that most of you... Not necessarily all of you.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43It sounds a niche area of interest, certainly.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Well, let's think of films that have got showers in them. Psycho.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Did you enjoy it? Yeah, it was a good film.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Yeah. And the shower scene is the pivotal scene. Oh, now.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Oh, because it's black-and-white.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57It's black and white. The water doesn't read on film.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00The water does. No, it's the blood. Which was chocolate sauce.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Bosco chocolate sauce.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Bosco's chocolate sauce was used for the blood.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Actually, talking, as we were, of editing,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10one of the reasons it is the most famous scene, possibly,
0:20:10 > 0:20:11that Hitchcock directed
0:20:11 > 0:20:14and one of the most famous scenes in all cinema is that it contains
0:20:14 > 0:20:1977 different camera angles and 50 cuts and lasts only three minutes.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20I have done this.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I've sat there, counting the number of cuts in three minutes.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25You must get out, Stephen, really.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30I'm never sitting next to you at the cinema. No, not at the cinema.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Who's brought Rain Man with them?
0:20:34 > 0:20:3850 cuts there! Stop the clock.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41When I was a kid in the States, we used to have ice cream with
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Bosco chocolate sauce on it and you couldn't serve it without going...
0:20:44 > 0:20:45IMITATES PSYCHO THEME
0:20:45 > 0:20:49So you all knew. Have you seen Psycho? TREVOR: I have not, no.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Your generation, you just don't go for the classics.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Cos it's black-and-white, you go... HE YAWNS
0:20:54 > 0:20:57I'm waiting for it to come out on Twitter and then I'll...
0:20:57 > 0:20:58LAUGHTER
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Exactly. The sound of the stabbing, I think, was a knife in a melon.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Absolutely right.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07And, actually, Hitchcock first wanted the scene to be just,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10as they say, effects. In other words, the sound of the water,
0:21:10 > 0:21:12the sound of the shower curtain being torn
0:21:12 > 0:21:15and the sound of the knife going into the melon.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18But his favourite composer, who composed a lot of his films,
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Bernard Herrmann,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22wrote this astounding score with these jagged things
0:21:22 > 0:21:25and begged him to listen to the version with it and Hitchcock
0:21:25 > 0:21:28said, "You're right," and actually doubled his pay on the movie.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Hitchcock sounds like Jeremy from Top Gear.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34He sounds exactly like that.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37AS JEREMY CLARKSON/ALFRED HITCHCOCK: "You're right!"
0:21:37 > 0:21:42Yes. "Just two seconds in and you're nursing a semi."
0:21:42 > 0:21:43LAUGHTER
0:21:43 > 0:21:44APPLAUSE
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Everybody was against him making the film.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55He'd just made North By Northwest,
0:21:55 > 0:21:58one of his most lavish, colourful, beautiful, extraordinary thrillers
0:21:58 > 0:22:00and he wanted to be known for a different kind of film
0:22:00 > 0:22:03cos he was always experimenting, always trying different things.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05That film was so clever, Psycho.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08You're with Janet Leigh all the way from the beginning.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10She hatches this plan, she's got this money.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13She steals 40 grand. You can't wait to see what's going to happen.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16And then she's gone, halfway through the film.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Oh, thanks for spoiling it!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:21APPLAUSE
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I don't feel I have, really,
0:22:26 > 0:22:30given the picture of her being murdered in the shower.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Do you remember the last shot of the shower scene?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Just to get really nerdy.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Isn't the eye and the plughole?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Her head is sideways down. All the shots are...
0:22:39 > 0:22:42There's no long shots, it's all mid-shots and mostly close-ups.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45He was so concerned to get it right that there just wasn't
0:22:45 > 0:22:48time for her to get accustomed to these contact lenses that would give
0:22:48 > 0:22:51her dilated pupils, which freshly stabbed people have, apparently.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54So that was the one inaccuracy he was rather annoyed with.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56No-one wanted to make it. Paramount said they wouldn't.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59He said, "I'll make it black and white. It'll be cheaper."
0:22:59 > 0:23:01They said, "No." He said, "I'll use my TV crew."
0:23:01 > 0:23:03He used a TV crew to make it, not a film crew.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05It's one of the most successful movies of all time.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Nominated for Best Picture Oscar.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11It's worth seeing, Trevor, but not with Stephen. No.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Sandi'll take you.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Do you know, this evening has changed my life?
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Now, describe the curriculum at the British Hate Training Academy.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Oh, dear. Watching Jeremy Kyle all day and all night.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Yeah, that would be... That would be good hate training.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39It would, actually, wouldn't it?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42I would imagine that maybe it's very difficult to get soldiers
0:23:42 > 0:23:44to hate anybody. Kill, yeah.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I would imagine maybe there was some scheme to try and get them...
0:23:47 > 0:23:50In the Second World War, we had hate schools.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Has there ever been a more pointless padlock in the world?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01"You're not getting my shirts!
0:24:04 > 0:24:05"Back orff!"
0:24:06 > 0:24:09It's a pretty astonishing look, isn't it?
0:24:09 > 0:24:10But, no, Sandi, you're right.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12There were hate schools.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16"These medals are sticking into my chest! Arrrgh!"
0:24:16 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER
0:24:21 > 0:24:24"Aaargh, God!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26"All of them are pinning me in the chest!
0:24:28 > 0:24:30"My hat is too small!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37"Get me a new hat!"
0:24:41 > 0:24:43What do you suppose the chances are
0:24:43 > 0:24:46of twins getting the same number of medals?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50It's a good point.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Do you know, I've gone deaf in my left ear now?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Very sorry.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Back to the serious and terrible fact, is that in order
0:24:58 > 0:25:01supposedly to encourage British troops of the Second World War,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04we put them into rooms and showed them appalling atrocities.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Rotting corpses, starving people.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10They were then taken to slaughter houses, where they watched sheep
0:25:10 > 0:25:13being killed and they were smeared with their blood, and made to...
0:25:13 > 0:25:16This was common, though, wasn't it? Because didn't they say to
0:25:16 > 0:25:20the Vietcong that the US Marines ate babies, that kind of...
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Oh, it was certainly true that this black propaganda was given out.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26You know, in the First World War the Germans raped nuns and all that.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30But this was actually being made to witness really awful things,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32in order to get your blood up, was the idea.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34But when the papers and the public found out,
0:25:34 > 0:25:36there was an absolute uproar.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39No less a figure than the Bishop of St Albans said,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42"The attempt to inculcate hatred in the fighting forces
0:25:42 > 0:25:45"and civilians is doing the devil's work."
0:25:45 > 0:25:46And General Sir Bernard Paget,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49who was Commander in Chief of the home forces, he agreed.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52He said that, "Hate was foreign to British temperament.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53"And we hate it."
0:25:53 > 0:25:55But it is a... It is a...
0:25:55 > 0:25:57He didn't say that bit.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59It is a very serious issue.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01I think it was after the Second World War,
0:26:01 > 0:26:06they estimated only between 15 and 20% of anybody
0:26:06 > 0:26:09in any armed force had ever fired their gun. Yeah.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Because mostly people don't want to. That's right.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15And if they do fire their gun, they tend to try and miss.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17All of us know stories of people who have survived wars, and
0:26:17 > 0:26:20the one thing that absolutely tears them up is the fact
0:26:20 > 0:26:23that they've killed someone. The closer you are to the actual kill...
0:26:23 > 0:26:26If you kill somebody with a bayonet rather than shoot them at a distance,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28the more likely you are to suffer trauma.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32TREVOR: They very famously said the most gentlemanly fighters
0:26:32 > 0:26:34in the wars were the air forces,
0:26:34 > 0:26:38because they almost had an unspoken rule that they wouldn't shoot a plane
0:26:38 > 0:26:39that's already going down.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42And you wouldn't shoot a guy on a parachute either, you would...
0:26:42 > 0:26:45He's down, he's out, so you wouldn't... No, never do that.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47And if it was a good fight, and you respected them
0:26:47 > 0:26:50and they were going down, they would do a little wing tip salute
0:26:50 > 0:26:52as they flew away from them, which is just touching.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Yeah, that would be like, "Argh... Oh, that's nice.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56"Arrgh!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00"Oh, fair enough, right."
0:27:00 > 0:27:00APPLAUSE
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Anyway, the fact is they stopped them,
0:27:07 > 0:27:10not because of public outrage but because it didn't work.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12The effect it had on soldiers was to depress them.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14It's interesting cos the Germans,
0:27:14 > 0:27:17instead of showing videos of the opposing side to get
0:27:17 > 0:27:21the soldiers desensitised, they famously made them kill their dogs.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24I don't know if you remember... Not remember it, like you were there.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26But I mean...
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Stories where they would have a dog, a puppy to raise their whole lives,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33and when they graduated from training, then the last assignment
0:27:33 > 0:27:36was to kill the dog, which you obviously have grown to...
0:27:36 > 0:27:39SS training. Yeah, it was the SS. That must have been absolutely...
0:27:39 > 0:27:42That's unspeakably brutal to ask someone to shoot a puppy. Or a dog.
0:27:45 > 0:27:50Anyway, which is most dangerous - 1,000 bananas,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52half a litre of wine,
0:27:52 > 0:27:551.4 cigarettes or two days in New York?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59You could fall on quite a lot of those banana peels.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Slip, yes, you could. You could. Or spiders inside.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Yes, you could have a tarantula on the inside, yeah, yeah.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06But they're all quite dangerous, I suppose.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10In fact, we know that they're all equally dangerous.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Oh. And how can we know that?
0:28:12 > 0:28:16Is there a scale of dangerousness-ness-ness?
0:28:16 > 0:28:18TREVOR: There's the banana-cigarette-New York scale
0:28:18 > 0:28:22that they generally use. Exactly. That's the scale.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Is it about toxins, that you absorb or take in?
0:28:25 > 0:28:29Well, it's a Professor from Stanford called Ronald Howard,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32as long as it's not the guy who was in Happy Days,
0:28:32 > 0:28:34and directed Apollo 13.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37It was in 1968 he developed the micromort.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41And a micromort is a one-in-a-million chance of death.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44So the higher the risk, the more micromorts, obviously.
0:28:44 > 0:28:49So if a million outings on a hang glider result in eight deaths,
0:28:49 > 0:28:53then there's a fatal risk of eight micromorts attached to hang gliding.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56So how many micromorts in a banana? Well, I'll tell you.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00If you take the normal background risk in the UK,
0:29:00 > 0:29:03it's actually 41.6 micromorts.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05So the chances of sudden death in Britain,
0:29:05 > 0:29:08from leading a normal life are about four in 100,000.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11What, four people die unexpectedly from eating a banana?
0:29:11 > 0:29:14No, no, just that's background. This is just background.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16We've not come to the bananas yet.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Oh, sorry, I'm over-excited.
0:29:18 > 0:29:19Yeah.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Your ordinary risk... Yes.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25..of dying suddenly is four in 100,000.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27I've got it now. Right.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30But activities that raise the level of risk...
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Have you died suddenly? I died suddenly.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37There you are. Activities that raise the level of risk
0:29:37 > 0:29:41from 41.6 micromorts, which is the average risk we all share,
0:29:41 > 0:29:45by one micromort alone, are smoking 1.4 cigarettes yourself,
0:29:45 > 0:29:49living for two months with someone else who smokes.
0:29:49 > 0:29:50Half a litre of wine.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52Not doing a wee when you really need one.
0:29:54 > 0:29:571,000 bananas is actually because of their radioactivity. SANDI: What?
0:29:57 > 0:29:59They do contain a lot of potassium. Ah, yes.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01But they are faintly radioactive. Wow.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04Very faintly. 40 tablespoons of peanut butter...
0:30:04 > 0:30:07So, I'm still on the bananas, you have to...
0:30:08 > 0:30:11You have to eat 1,000 bananas?
0:30:11 > 0:30:13If you ate 1,000 bananas, not necessarily all at once,
0:30:13 > 0:30:16cos that would kill you straightaway. Yes.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18Obviously, you would burst.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21The point is, for every 1,000 bananas you eat... Yes.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24..your chances of sudden death increase by one micromort,
0:30:24 > 0:30:27which is... What is the matter with scientists?!
0:30:27 > 0:30:29Who? Who is going to eat 1,000 bananas?
0:30:29 > 0:30:31Why would you even work this out?!
0:30:31 > 0:30:34Over your lifetime. I've eaten 1,000 bananas.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37So should you be counting how many bananas you've had? No.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39It's only one micromort, it's a one-in-a-million chance.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41But how does the thousandth banana kill you?
0:30:41 > 0:30:45Because of the level of radioactivity. Oh, God!
0:30:47 > 0:30:49For every 1,000 you eat, you're...
0:30:49 > 0:30:51You've already got 41.6 micromorts, which is...
0:30:51 > 0:30:52I feel unwell.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58I'll give you a book to read afterwards and it'll explain it.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00Thank you, darling. Cos it takes too long.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02But go to New York, have a cigarette with a glass of wine
0:31:02 > 0:31:03and a banana split.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06And say, "Fuck you, world!"
0:31:06 > 0:31:08APPLAUSE
0:31:12 > 0:31:15All of these increase your...
0:31:15 > 0:31:18They're such tiny margins, that's all.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20"I'm going down."
0:31:20 > 0:31:23My headmistress at boarding school was always in a terrible panic
0:31:23 > 0:31:25about fruit. Fruit?
0:31:25 > 0:31:26Fruit, yes. She found that...
0:31:31 > 0:31:34She spent hours teaching us how to eat a banana correctly,
0:31:34 > 0:31:37because of the manners, and I remember her saying...
0:31:37 > 0:31:39Which mustn't make the cheeks bulge, no...
0:31:41 > 0:31:44And you don't, you don't do this either.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:53 > 0:31:55So she didn't like... She taught you how to eat a banana.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58She was very worried and she'd spent a long time on bananas, and I said,
0:31:58 > 0:32:01"How do you eat an orange," and she looked over the top of her glasses
0:32:01 > 0:32:05and said, "No young woman should ever embark upon an orange."
0:32:05 > 0:32:06Wise words.
0:32:06 > 0:32:10Scuba-diving adds five micromorts to background levels.
0:32:10 > 0:32:11Taking heroin adds 30.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13A night in hospital adds 75.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Just one night in hospital.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18But giving birth raises the risk to 80 micromorts.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20So it is double the background.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22So, if you're feeling ill,
0:32:22 > 0:32:26you'd be better off taking a bit of heroin than going to the hospital.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29A night in hospital can be rather perilous.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32Is it a myth that heroin is
0:32:32 > 0:32:34the only thing in the world that cures a cold?
0:32:36 > 0:32:39Is that a myth? I think the guy underneath the arches...
0:32:39 > 0:32:42A guy trying to sell me some heroin, yeah.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Is that how they peddle it in Manchester?
0:32:44 > 0:32:48"Cure your cold, this will, lad."
0:32:48 > 0:32:50Do you know the Irish cure for a cold?
0:32:50 > 0:32:52My dad always used to say, "What you do is you get into bed with
0:32:52 > 0:32:56"a hat and a bottle of whiskey and you put the hat on the end
0:32:56 > 0:33:00"left bedpost and then you drink until you can see it on the right."
0:33:01 > 0:33:03That's brilliant.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05Absolutely superb.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08There is one man whose micromorts we don't know.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11He is Yasuhiro Kubo and he's a Japanese skydiver
0:33:11 > 0:33:14who jumps out of a plane without a parachute
0:33:14 > 0:33:17and then collects it from a partner on the way down.
0:33:17 > 0:33:21We don't know his micromort because he is still alive
0:33:21 > 0:33:24and it may be that he'll do 4,000 jumps and then die.
0:33:24 > 0:33:29It'd be a good dumb show. If you see them falling and then he
0:33:29 > 0:33:32goes over to the bloke who has the parachute and you see them going...
0:33:34 > 0:33:36I knew there was something!
0:33:44 > 0:33:46Oh, that is so distressing. Anyway...
0:33:48 > 0:33:51Now, what can we do to stop the killer robots?
0:33:53 > 0:33:54SANDI: Oh!
0:33:54 > 0:33:59Go upstairs. Go upstairs! Daleks have shown that doesn't work now.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02They can hover. Is this a Robot Wars one? Yes, Robot Wars.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04It's about legislation, isn't it?
0:34:04 > 0:34:07Are they not trying to legislate against these...? They are indeed.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09There's a global campaign led by a group of academics
0:34:09 > 0:34:12and Nobel Peace Prize winners, who see a very real threat.
0:34:12 > 0:34:13And they're not wrong.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16Look at the development of drones in the American army.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19Robotic killing machines are very close indeed and yet...
0:34:19 > 0:34:23The thing about the drone is that the drone has a human, as it were,
0:34:23 > 0:34:27in the loop. But I think the thing with the idea of the killer robots
0:34:27 > 0:34:30is that there is no human... That's the idea. ..in the loop.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33It's Dr Noel Sharkey, professor of computer science at Sheffield,
0:34:33 > 0:34:37who was, in fact, the consultant and appeared on Robot Wars,
0:34:37 > 0:34:39that '90s TV show.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42Did you have such a thing on South Africa television?
0:34:42 > 0:34:45I think we might have gotten your Robot Wars. We had none.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48I was very astonished when I first went to South Africa
0:34:48 > 0:34:52and I was in Cape Town asking for directions, and they said,
0:34:52 > 0:34:54"Turn right at the third robot."
0:34:54 > 0:34:55Oh, yeah, we call...
0:34:55 > 0:34:58I said, "What?" We call traffic... We call them robots.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00We call traffic lights robots.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03We have a very low bar for...
0:35:05 > 0:35:08These are the same guys who invented apartheid so, I mean,
0:35:08 > 0:35:13if you look at the... They were impressed. They were impressed.
0:35:13 > 0:35:17Even more shocking was when I was filming there and it was
0:35:17 > 0:35:21incredibly hot and someone asked me if I wanted some arse cream.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23LAUGHTER
0:35:23 > 0:35:25SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: "Do you want some arse cream?"
0:35:25 > 0:35:30And I realise they were saying, "Ice cream," of course.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Chocolate arse cream.
0:35:32 > 0:35:33Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37You just always go that bit too far.
0:35:39 > 0:35:40Yes, he does, doesn't he? I know.
0:35:40 > 0:35:41Presumably, the robots,
0:35:41 > 0:35:44they're not covered by the Geneva Convention in any way.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46That's the problem. They are not regulated.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48That is the real issue.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51Do you not think we are just slowly going towards a video game?
0:35:51 > 0:35:53That's what we're building towards.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56Trevor, guess who the US Army is recruiting right as we speak?
0:35:56 > 0:35:59If you play video games, they say you are at least 50% better than
0:35:59 > 0:36:01just an average recruit off the street.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03They're the ones they're hiring for...
0:36:03 > 0:36:05What I'm saying is if we get to a point where we are fighting
0:36:05 > 0:36:07the things only on video game...
0:36:07 > 0:36:09Farting? You said it.
0:36:09 > 0:36:10LAUGHTER
0:36:10 > 0:36:14That's what you do in war. You can't control yourself and you just...
0:36:14 > 0:36:17I don't know how you fight, Stephen, but that's how we...
0:36:17 > 0:36:20SANDI: Surely, the really civil thing would be
0:36:20 > 0:36:22to not have fighting at all. You have a game of Twister.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25That's just ridiculous. How do you settle things?
0:36:25 > 0:36:29Vladimir Putin and... Or Risk. Yes, Risk.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32Or Scrabble. Lovely. Lovely games.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35Vladimir Putin versus Obama at Scrabble. Or Twister.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39Anyway, killer robots don't exist yet
0:36:39 > 0:36:42but now might be a good time to make sure they never do.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45So, here are some killers, but what do they prey on?
0:36:45 > 0:36:48I'll perhaps give you a clue, if you don't know its name.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50Sea food, that's a seal. It's a seal.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53It is, it's called the crab-eater seal. It eats fish.
0:36:53 > 0:36:54So the clue...
0:36:54 > 0:36:56CROW CAWS
0:36:56 > 0:36:57Yes?
0:36:57 > 0:36:58Crab. Oh! Hey!
0:36:58 > 0:37:00KLAXON SOUNDS
0:37:00 > 0:37:04Surely you'd know better. Just getting it out of the way,
0:37:04 > 0:37:08just so we could all move on and find out what the real answer is.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10If we show you its teeth more close up,
0:37:10 > 0:37:13you might get a sense of it. It's pretty...
0:37:13 > 0:37:14SANDI: Oooh.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16That's weird, why would you have teeth like that?
0:37:16 > 0:37:18To be on a show like this?
0:37:19 > 0:37:22It's to sieve. It's like a baleen plate in a whale.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25It sieves out all the bigger things, so it actually just has,
0:37:25 > 0:37:26like a whale...?
0:37:26 > 0:37:27Krill. Krill.
0:37:27 > 0:37:32Yeah. It just eats krill. And our next contender is...
0:37:33 > 0:37:34Oh, I say.
0:37:34 > 0:37:38Yes. That's called the Bagheera Kiplingi spider.
0:37:38 > 0:37:39Does that ring a bell?
0:37:39 > 0:37:42TREVOR: They kill tigers, don't they?
0:37:42 > 0:37:46Well, bagha is the Hindi for tiger, and Bagheera is? The Jungle Book.
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Is in the Jungle Book, and is a panther. Is it the panther?
0:37:48 > 0:37:50Panther, and hence the Kiplingi,
0:37:50 > 0:37:53so for some reason it's named after Rudyard Kipling.
0:37:53 > 0:37:54It eats Bakewell tarts.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59Lemon slices.
0:38:00 > 0:38:05Oh, the Bakewell tart. I could eat five of them. Easy.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08They don't do five in a pack, do you know what I'm saying?
0:38:10 > 0:38:14You have probably no idea what we're talking about, poor Trevor.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17They've surely got Kipling cakes in South Africa. No, we don't.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19No? Really?
0:38:19 > 0:38:20They're exceedingly good.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22LAUGHTER
0:38:22 > 0:38:23APPLAUSE
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Do you not think the spider looks like he's trying to be cute
0:38:29 > 0:38:32for the photograph? He does, he's posing. "Hi."
0:38:32 > 0:38:32"Hiya, you all right?"
0:38:32 > 0:38:35Spiders are known to be feeders on what? Flies.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37Flies. They're known to be carnivorous.
0:38:37 > 0:38:41But this is the only vegetarian spider on earth.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Well, no wonder he's cute. Yeah. Exactly.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46They actually go out of their way to avoid rather nasty-looking ants
0:38:46 > 0:38:49and hide round corners, until they can get to their staple food,
0:38:49 > 0:38:52which is the buds of acacia trees. The acacia is very thorny.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55They're the laughing stock of the spider community.
0:38:55 > 0:38:56Yeah, they are, they're probably...
0:38:56 > 0:38:58"Call yourself a spider? You're a disgrace."
0:38:58 > 0:39:01Yes. They occasionally, to be fair, will eat meat.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04It's a bit like, I don't know, the spectacled bear...
0:39:04 > 0:39:06If they've had a drink. ..will be known to eat, you know, ants.
0:39:06 > 0:39:10He'll have a kebab on the way home. Yes.
0:39:10 > 0:39:11They can't resist it.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13Oh! Let's have a kebab.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16Would you like to see a great tit? Always. There you go.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19There is a great tit. Great. That's a good picture.
0:39:19 > 0:39:23It's a lovely picture of a great tit, isn't it? They mostly eat...
0:39:23 > 0:39:25Insects. Yes. Caterpillars, in particular.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27They are very fond of a good, juicy caterpillar.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Which is, of course, part of the cycle of an insect.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31And, in Hungary, something very astonishing
0:39:31 > 0:39:33has been observed with great tits.
0:39:33 > 0:39:34They eat goulash.
0:39:36 > 0:39:37They have been observed,
0:39:37 > 0:39:40possibly because of lack of caterpillars in Hungary...
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Eating chips. No, it's rather gross, actually.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44They've been eating roosting bats.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46They've been eating the entire innards and brains
0:39:46 > 0:39:50and scooping out every part of a sleeping bat. Which is really...
0:39:50 > 0:39:54That's a lovely story. Isn't it? It's quite a move for a great tit.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56And we come finally to this chap.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01Piranha. It looks like a piranha. It's a distant relative, though.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03It lives in a completely different part of the world.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05In Papua New Guinea. And is known as a pacu fish,
0:40:05 > 0:40:08but has a nickname, which might give you a hint.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10The teeth it has are designed to deal with its main food source,
0:40:10 > 0:40:13which are seeds and nuts which fall down from trees above.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Which quite a lot of fish do.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17But, if you happen to be swimming naked,
0:40:17 > 0:40:19as many a Papua New Guinean might...
0:40:19 > 0:40:24Uh-oh. ..it fully deserves its nickname, the ball-cutter fish.
0:40:24 > 0:40:25AUDIENCE GROAN
0:40:25 > 0:40:29There are at least two recorded examples of people
0:40:29 > 0:40:31dying from castration from these.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33Oh, does that count...? Does that count as a background mort?
0:40:33 > 0:40:36Yes, that's definitely a micromort.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39Presumably you can tell as the screams get higher and higher. Yes.
0:40:39 > 0:40:40SHE SCREAMS
0:40:40 > 0:40:42Until they're beyond the range of human hearing.
0:40:42 > 0:40:43So they're pretty nasty. Wow.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46But, what's the worst thing a swan can do to you?
0:40:46 > 0:40:48They can famously break a child's arm.
0:40:48 > 0:40:49Aaah!
0:40:49 > 0:40:51KLAXON SOUNDS
0:40:53 > 0:40:55No, there is no recorded example ever.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58They have hollow bones, and the chances are they would break
0:40:58 > 0:41:01their own wings if they attempted to swipe hard on the human bone.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04Oh, I've been cautious of them ever since primary school.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Well, they're aggressive, they'll chase after you.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09And I dare say, if anyone rings in and says I know someone who
0:41:09 > 0:41:12claims their arm was broken, the chances are almost certain...
0:41:12 > 0:41:14The school liar. Well, not if they were the school liar,
0:41:14 > 0:41:17or they might well have... If you're running away and fell.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19They might well have fallen over. Yeah. Exactly.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22Where is that place where the swan goes and rings a bell? Fairyland.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24No, no... LAUGHTER
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Somebody shouting in the audience? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Wells in Somerset.
0:41:27 > 0:41:28Wells in Somerset.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30In Wells in Somerset there's a bell on the outside
0:41:30 > 0:41:33and the swans learned to ring the bell and then they get fed.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35That's marvellous. Little Pavlovian swans.
0:41:35 > 0:41:39And if you don't feed them, they break your arm.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42You're absolutely right. I mean, you're absolutely wrong.
0:41:42 > 0:41:43Everyone else is marvellously right.
0:41:43 > 0:41:47They are very aggressive. They can't break your arm, so there.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50And now it's time for one of my Knick Knacks.
0:41:50 > 0:41:52Crikey, how did that get there?!
0:42:00 > 0:42:02I'm now, I'm going to demonstrate.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04What a marvellous outing for the word "crikey". Yes.
0:42:04 > 0:42:08I'm going to demonstrate to you how a chain reaction takes place.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11Imagine these are little atoms,
0:42:11 > 0:42:15and what I have is a series of mouse trap... Ow!
0:42:15 > 0:42:17Mouse traps. Used for,
0:42:17 > 0:42:20obviously, killing...mice!
0:42:20 > 0:42:23And, fortunately, no mice will be harmed in this experiment.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25All you will see
0:42:25 > 0:42:30is the spectacular sight of random and explosive chain reaction
0:42:30 > 0:42:33caused by one atom touching another, which are all in...
0:42:33 > 0:42:36"Ball number 16, the eighth appearance this year."
0:42:36 > 0:42:37LAUGHTER
0:42:37 > 0:42:39So are you ready? Yes.
0:42:39 > 0:42:40Here we go.
0:42:44 > 0:42:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:46 > 0:42:49All that for three seconds.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53It's a lot of effort for the money.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00On that nuclear bombshell, we reach the final curtain.
0:43:00 > 0:43:05It's time for the scores. And how fascinating they are.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07Way out in front, as you might imagine,
0:43:07 > 0:43:11with her astonishing knowledge is Sandi Toksvig on 14 points!
0:43:11 > 0:43:12APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:14 > 0:43:18Points-wise, one of the greatest debuts of all time,
0:43:18 > 0:43:20Trevor Noah has plus nine!
0:43:20 > 0:43:21APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:24 > 0:43:27And in third place, with minus six, Jason Manford.
0:43:27 > 0:43:31APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I'll take that. I'll take that.
0:43:31 > 0:43:33Colour me astonished! In last place,
0:43:33 > 0:43:36but with a deeply encouraging minus 28, Alan Davies!
0:43:36 > 0:43:38APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:45 > 0:43:47Thank you.
0:43:47 > 0:43:50And it only remains for me to thank Trevor, Jason, Sandi and Alan.
0:43:50 > 0:43:51Good night.
0:43:59 > 0:44:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd