0:00:23 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:33 > 0:00:37and welcome to QI, where tonight we're doing the Knowledge.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Please welcome the well-educated Jimmy Carr.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Thank you.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46The well-informed Jo Brand.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:51The well-read Graham Linehan.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58And the well, you know, it's Alan Davies.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:07And if you want to call me, you know what to do.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11- Jimmy goes: - # Knowing me, knowing you, aha... #
0:01:13 > 0:01:17- Graham goes: - # They don't know about us... #
0:01:17 > 0:01:22- Jo goes:- # I know him so well... #
0:01:22 > 0:01:29- And Alan goes: - # No, no. No, no, no, no No, no, there's no limits. #
0:01:31 > 0:01:34There's a spelling issue there, Alan.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Now, um, I know what you want to know,
0:01:36 > 0:01:40once and for all, how many moons does the earth have?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Nobody knows.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- We're not doing that this year, are we?- No, we're not.- Three.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Ooh! - KLAXON
0:01:50 > 0:01:52What a pity. What a pity.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54One.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- KLAXON - D'oh!- Well, it is!
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Just because it's called "the moon"
0:01:59 > 0:02:02doesn't mean it's the only one, it turns out.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05The moons, it would be called. Yeah.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- Six - KLAXON
0:02:09 > 0:02:13- You're not doing yourself any favours early doors.- Two.- Two, oh!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15KLAXON
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Now, this could go on for ages.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19It could. So let me stop you right here.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21The point is, very early on, in the A series,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- we said there were two. - Are you taking that back?- Yes.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- What do you mean?- Ah, this is...
0:02:25 > 0:02:27I rely on this show. This is all I know.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30This is the whole point of this round, in fact.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Facts are not permanent.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33We thought there were two, and then we said, "Oh, no,
0:02:33 > 0:02:37"it's either one or five," we said, in the B series.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Because we were acting on the latest info
0:02:39 > 0:02:41that we had from the scientific community.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42And this has changed.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Now NASA describes them as "mini moons"
0:02:45 > 0:02:47but we have about 18,000 moons.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I thought it was the same moon.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- What, bits of it, you mean? - No, I thought
0:02:55 > 0:03:00the ones that we keep seeing was the same one over and over again.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01- That was the...- That's wrong?
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- No! Are you talking about the mini moons? There was like one extra mini moon?- No.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Or just that whole...
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- The actual moon.- So, every night, you're saying it's a different moon.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13He is saying that.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16There is a celestial body that we call the moon, which is
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- obviously the one that is recognised and rises...- I'm not saying that.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24- ..every 28 days. - No, I'm saying it's the same...
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I'm pretty sure... Until I came on to this show,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I was pretty sure it was the same moon.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33I think I'm with you. I think it's just one moon.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34That's our team's decision.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39That's the same moon, as in this bottle is the same bottle is...
0:03:39 > 0:03:40It's the same bottle as it is.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- How do you explain this? - That's another one. Exactly.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Well, it looks pretty similar.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47They're not the same. That's my point.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50And suddenly we've got three.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I'm not getting mine out, but can I just say...?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54LAUGHTER
0:03:54 > 0:03:56If there's so many, why haven't we noticed them before?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Well, the reason is they are actually tiny
0:03:58 > 0:04:02and it's only recently they've run computer simulations to show 18,000.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04One of those that has been observed,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06has been given the exciting name RH120,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09which orbited the Earth, four orbits, in 2006 and 2007.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12They're also known as "temporarily captured objects".
0:04:12 > 0:04:15They're captured into Earth orbit, perhaps for a short amount of time.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18But as satellites of the Earth, non-man-made, they are moons.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- That's what a moon is.- But the man-made satellites are satellites?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Yes, but to be a moon you have to be a celestial body,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25rather than... you COULD count a man...
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Well, that makes me a moon, then.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Yes, exactly, there you are. Precisely.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- You orbit my life, Jo.- But you have to be in orbit for at least five years before you can claim benefits.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36LAUGHTER
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Exactly right. But the quite interesting thing about this is the point that raised
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Jimmy Carr's tremendous eyebrows earlier, which is
0:04:43 > 0:04:45that facts don't remain stable.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Things we know, or think we know, will be untrue.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53LAUGHTER
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Very good. Will be untrue in a number of years' time.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- Yes. Appropriately, you look a bit like Patrick Moore. - I'm trying to do a Mexican wave.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Yes, you do look like Patrick Moore.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05"We just...we just don't know."
0:05:05 > 0:05:06LAUGHTER
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Can I just say, I did a course at university called...
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Shut up!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- I bloody did.- No!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I bloody did, and it was called the Sociology of Science, and yes,
0:05:17 > 0:05:22I got a grant for it. It was a complete waste of time.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26But what I learnt during that course is there's no such thing as a fact.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Yes. This is precisely our point. And indeed, at medical colleges,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32they usually teach that half of what the medical students are going
0:05:32 > 0:05:37to learn will be considered untrue in about 10 or 20 years.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40And this is known by academics as the half-life of facts.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43That's to say, you know half of it will be untrue.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Unfortunately, you don't know exactly which half.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48And on QI, an estimated 7% of the things
0:05:48 > 0:05:53I tell you this evening will be shown to be untrue in a year's time.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56And if you're watching a very old repeat on Dave,
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- a much bigger proportion. - It's probably untrue now.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00It's probably...even what I'm saying now is untrue.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- I'm not even saying it, it's so untrue.- I'm not on the show.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07We actually have a chart showing the rate of decay of QI facts.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09And you can see, there's series A on the right,
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- and plotted against it is the 10th series, J.- J.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15And so, as you can see, the further you get away,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17the greater the number of untruths.
0:06:17 > 0:06:2060% of things in the first series are bollocks.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Yes, are now untrue. If that's true, yes, that's right.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26We do talk a lot of bollocks, in fairness.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30But the most important thing, you'll be excited to know, is that that means over the years,
0:06:30 > 0:06:33cumulatively, you must be owed a lot of points.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37And going according to this theory, things we have said are wrong,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40a proportion of them are likely to have been right.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Therefore, we have actually calculated how many points
0:06:44 > 0:06:46we owe you. Um, and...
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- This is, suddenly this has gone brilliantly. Suddenly we're smiling. - Yeah. Jimmy...
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Alan is going to be way out in front, isn't he?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Jimmy, we owe you 43.58 points.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Jo, 84.73.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Can I use them in Sainsbury's?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:06I'm giving you permission. If you work at Sainsbury's and she tries to claim them, yes, she can.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10The audience are owed 23.24. Well done.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Even not having done anything.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13APPLAUSE
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Alan, you are owed 737.66!
0:07:20 > 0:07:22APPLAUSE
0:07:22 > 0:07:24There you are.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28And, um...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Are those transferable?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32If I went onto Have I Got News For You,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- could I use...- Yes.- Could I arrive and go, "I've got 24 points that I could use here?"
0:07:35 > 0:07:39- Yeah. You can take this, yes. - I can just...?- Use them, yeah. - Oh, fabulous. Great news.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Mastermind, can I have it on Mastermind?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I don't think you could slip that in, somehow.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Someone's going to have to answer a lot of questions to beat that.
0:07:47 > 0:07:52- And of course, unfortunately, Graham, you get nothing. - Yes. Yeah, no.- That's really unfair.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55You're playing it first time and you get a huge disadvantage.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Yeah. Well, you needn't have pointed it out. Yes.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02I'll try and find a way to make it up to you, in some way,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04by giving you a random 600 points.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08I'll give you some examples of facts that we gave in good faith on QI.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10So in the I series we said nobody knows how to tell
0:08:10 > 0:08:14the age of a lobster. Well, that was only a few years ago.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- Ask it.- I think that's what you said at the time.- And that's right.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- Is that now right? - It isn't now right.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23We now know how to communicate with lobsters.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26One, two, three, four, five,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28six, seven, eight, nine...
0:08:28 > 0:08:3010. Hold. 11...
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Everyone knows that.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38In the I series, we said that no-one could tell the age of lobsters
0:08:38 > 0:08:41but, since then, Canadian scientists have discovered,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44the way you do, that if you dissect their eye stalks
0:08:44 > 0:08:47and count the rings, you know how old they are.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- Really?- What? - It's not a very kind thing to do.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52What you mean is, you know how old they WERE.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54LAUGHTER
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I think that's a reasonable point.
0:08:56 > 0:09:02There's a flaw in this plan. I still think you should ask them first. Before you dissect their eye stalks!
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Another one was in the G series. We said giraffes' necks may have evolved for fighting each other,
0:09:06 > 0:09:11which was commonly held by quite a few zoologists. But it now seems this hypothesis is not believed.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- And in the A series...- They used to like wading across deep rivers.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19Yes, that, keeping their necks above, very, very deep.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- As the river got higher... - Yeah.- ..they evolved.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26LAUGHTER
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- That might prove to be correct. - It might, you see. Who am I to say it isn't?
0:09:30 > 0:09:35In the A series, we said that the best-endowed millipede had 710 legs.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Soon afterwards, a millipede with 750 turned up,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40but that's still the greatest number we know.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- Is there someone checking them? - Yes. That's superb.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48I like the idea that counting a millipede's legs, you would lose... You'd have to keep going back.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- Yes, you would, exactly. - Argh! One, two...
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Yeah, it's the same thing...
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- Many times.- It's the same thing with all these things,
0:09:55 > 0:09:56before they count the legs, they kill it.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58LAUGHTER
0:09:58 > 0:10:02- It's true.- So the legs are very still. Just pluck them off.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Oh, dear!- One...
0:10:05 > 0:10:10- She loves me.- Two, three... It might still be alive.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13They might think it was dead, and then they'd just hear it go, "Argh!"
0:10:13 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER
0:10:15 > 0:10:19- "Argh! Argh!" - Do you know, that's an interesting fact, that's how they make worms.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21LAUGHTER
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- It's true. True story.- Brilliant.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Yeah, a worm would come along,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28"Are you not doing anything with these legs?
0:10:28 > 0:10:32"Now you've counted them off the millipede, can I have four?"
0:10:32 > 0:10:34And a whole new species is born.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- Yeah.- And that is how sausage dogs are made.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41- And Daschunds, exactly.- Yeah. - We've discovered a lot of new science here, none of which is
0:10:41 > 0:10:44likely to be disproved, or possibly may come round again to be proved.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Now, how much do you know about Scotland's Mr Smellie?
0:10:48 > 0:10:52Was he one of the Mr Men that was dropped?
0:10:52 > 0:10:56That's a really good point. I can tell you his name. William Smellie.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- 19th-century gentleman. He came from a family...- Billy Smellie.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02We know little about him actually because he came from
0:11:02 > 0:11:06a banned Protestant sect who were so persecuted that they didn't
0:11:06 > 0:11:09keep any documents about their births, deaths and marriages.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I should think he was fairly persecuted at school as well.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- Being called Smellie. - SCOTTISH ACCENT:- Stinky Smellie!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16"Oh, original, thanks."
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Anyway, he rose from relative obscurity
0:11:20 > 0:11:24and then he got paid £200 for heading up the team on something
0:11:24 > 0:11:26that has a thistle as is emblem
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- but has in its name something that means British.- The...
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- Of course. The British...- Say it. - Encyclopaedia Britannica.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34That is the right answer. The Encyclopaedia Britannica.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36That's surely worth... Nothing, really?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39APPLAUSE
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Surely it was easier to do that in the days before the Internet, though.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49- Yes.- If you tried to research now, you'd get sidetracked.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I get very sidetracked very easily.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Yes, I'll just get to B for bras. Oh.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59That's a day lost.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01LAUGHTER
0:12:01 > 0:12:05I hate Encyclopaedia Britannica because I had very aspirational
0:12:05 > 0:12:10parents and everyone else in my class was reading Jackie magazine
0:12:10 > 0:12:13and I had to read the bloody Encyclopaedia Britannica.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- It was a symbol of that, wasn't it? - Oh, my God.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18It's like a dictionary that sort of just won't stop.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21It gets the word and then goes, "And another thing..."
0:12:21 > 0:12:23It is discursive. Very true.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Another of its early editors was called Andrew Bell,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28who was four and a half feet tall
0:12:28 > 0:12:30and had a very big nose, as you will see.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32He looks slightly like me, disturbingly.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36I'll be honest with you, I think that's a regular-sized nose on a tiny man.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38He had a great sense of humour, though.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40If anybody pointed out or laughed at his nose, he'd rush off
0:12:40 > 0:12:44into another room and come back with a bigger one made of papier-mache.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I bet he could tell when Mr Smellie was coming round.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- I'll tell you what I know about that guy.- Yeah.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Very little.- Hey! - LAUGHTER
0:12:53 > 0:12:55That is quite good. I had to think about that.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Anyway, the first edition of the Encyclopaedia Britannica took
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- three years to write, cost £12 for three volumes.- Three volumes!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- The world's knowledge?- Yes, but the first volume is A to B.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08They obviously thought, "Oh, sod this.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11"I've done A to B, I've only got one volume.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14"I'll do C to Z in one volume."
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- The deadline was looming.- Exactly.
0:13:17 > 0:13:22With the decay of facts, I presume it's all bollocks.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24This is a good test for that. What facts are in there?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26One is K for Kensington.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29See if you can come up with a good definition of Kensington.
0:13:29 > 0:13:34A borough in London. A place. An area of London town.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36No. Nowhere near.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38A pleasant village two miles west of London.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- Which is what it was then, you see. - Wow.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45And California here is spelt with two Ls
0:13:45 > 0:13:48and it's called a large country in the West Indies.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Possibly an island or a peninsula, it's not known.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53That's pretty way-off, isn't it?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55I mean, there must come a point where he went,
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- "We don't know anything about this. Shall I put it in?"- Yes.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02"California. It could be a place or a thing.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06"No-one knows. It might be a person. Good luck." How is that an entry?
0:14:06 > 0:14:07What does Encyclopaedia mean?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Because it sounds like a kiddie fiddler on a bike.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12LAUGHTER
0:14:13 > 0:14:16APPLAUSE
0:14:20 > 0:14:26There's a big difference between words with P-A-E and P-A-I. Paedos and paidos.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Sometimes it is very tricky, I grant you.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30It could get an idiot into trouble.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER
0:14:35 > 0:14:40- I didn't mean it in that way.- I don't know what you're laughing at.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43The entry for woman in the original version just says,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45"The female of man. See homo."
0:14:45 > 0:14:48LAUGHTER
0:14:48 > 0:14:51He will tell you everything you need to know.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- Because he's their best friend.- Aw!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Applause is defined as following.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00An approbation of something signified by clapping the hands.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Still practised in theatres.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07In the 1960s, an American called Dr Harvey Einbinder
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- so hated Encyclopaedia Britannica he wrote a book...- I hate it!- Exactly.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13He wrote a book where he listed all the things that were wrong in it.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17- 390 pages long.- Oh, I like the sound of him.- The Myth Of Britannica.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- What's his name?- Harvey Einbinder.
0:15:21 > 0:15:26- Does he only have one binder? - We meet at last, Mr Einbinder.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27With his massive binder.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Don't touch my binder!
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- Maybe that's why he hated... - This is the binder you seek.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39"Encyclopaedia Britannica has 52 binders and I only have one!"
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Ein Binder!
0:15:41 > 0:15:44He might have pronounced it Ein-BIN-der, for all we know.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Ein-BIN-der?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50William Smellie was the first editor of the Encyclopaedia Britannica.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Now, what did the inventor of the thermometer
0:15:52 > 0:15:54spend 30 years measuring?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I'm going to say temperature, OK?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- KLAXON - Oh!
0:15:58 > 0:15:59- Wa-hey!- Do you know what, Alan?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02You've got points to burn this evening. Just relax.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- Sometimes it's right, you know, sometimes he goes, "Yes, it is." - Exactly.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08I know a joke about thermometers, about nurses and thermometers.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10It's about a rectal thermometer.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Go on.- Well, a nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket
0:16:13 > 0:16:16and goes, "Aw! Some arsehole's got my pen."
0:16:16 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER
0:16:21 > 0:16:23It's an old joke. It's an old joke.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27It's very fine, though. Very fine.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29One very old nurses' joke that we used to...
0:16:29 > 0:16:31was that a nurse comes running in and says to the matron,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34"Oh, dear, I think I've got something the wrong way round.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37"You asked me to prick someone's boil."
0:16:37 > 0:16:40LAUGHTER
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- Very good.- I do know quite an interesting fact about thermometers.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Thermometers.- The difference between an oral and rectal thermometer.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Yeah, I hope you do know the difference!
0:16:50 > 0:16:51- Yeah. Taste.- Oh!
0:16:51 > 0:16:54LAUGHTER
0:16:54 > 0:16:56No, his name was Sanctorius Sanctorius. At least that
0:16:56 > 0:17:00was his Latinised name. He was from Padua, and there you can see him.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- Right.- He's weighing himself, that's a special balance he had created. - Oh, he's weighing himself?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Every single day he'd weigh himself AND the food he ate.
0:17:07 > 0:17:12And, indeed, the faeces and urine that he expelled, he excreted.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Was it some sort of weird Weight Watchers thing he was on?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18What he discovered is that his urine and faeces weighed
0:17:18 > 0:17:22only a fraction of what he'd eaten and drunk, but despite that,
0:17:22 > 0:17:25he stayed the same weight, which is amazing, he thought.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29He thought, "Why is it if I put in, say, 100 pounds of food,
0:17:29 > 0:17:33"but I poo out only 30 pounds of faeces..."
0:17:33 > 0:17:35It had taken him 30 years...
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Did he not work out that there's a fuel thing?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41It is easy to look back at past generations and say,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44"How can you not have known?" But, of course, NONE of them knew.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48And really, before people like him, who was almost one of the world's first scientists,
0:17:48 > 0:17:52- they hadn't measured and calibrated things.- You're absolutely right about all of those things.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- Well, as right as we know. - However...- Yeah?- 30 Years!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58I mean, really, after three years with the same...
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Oh, no, he had a theory, but his theory was wrong, that's all.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03His theory was that the rest came out of your skin
0:18:03 > 0:18:07so it was very dangerous to cover most of your skin, because you wouldn't let the poison out.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10He knew that faeces was poisonous, or at least toxic and bad for you.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Its smell is a big warning, obviously.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Sorry, your faeces smell?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Of Parma Violets. Yeah.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Jimmy's make a noise.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23They point at him.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26They emit a totally different...
0:18:26 > 0:18:27They're very unusual.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31It's one in a million people who have noisy faeces.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- "Aah!" - HE IMITATES TOILET FLUSHING
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Very good. He co-invented, with his fellow at Padua,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41a much better-known scientist.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Who would that be, in the same period?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- Co-invented?- Da Vinci. - His co-inventor. Not Da Vinci, no.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Is he going to be Centigrade, or...
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- JO: Galileo.- It won't be future. - Galileo.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- Galileo is the right answer. - Oh, I nearly said Galileo!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I was going to say Scaramouche or Fandango.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Galileo Galilei.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Can do the Fandango!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Yes, he could, darling, that's right.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Thunderbolt and lightning!
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Oh, no. Please! - Very, very frightening!
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- Stop. Behave.- That's what one of Jimmy's poos sounds like!- No.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"Galileo, Galileo! You all right in there, Jimmy?!"
0:19:20 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Be out in a minute, I'm reading a very interesting article!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Your faeces is made up of 70%...
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- Shit.- ..liquid!
0:19:31 > 0:19:3330% solid. It just takes a bit of separating out.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Not that I would urge you to do it when you get home!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38When I get home? Why wait?!
0:19:39 > 0:19:43I've got a centrifuge in my dressing room!
0:19:43 > 0:19:49Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Of that dry weight, 30% is what?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Corn on the cob.
0:19:53 > 0:19:59- More than 30%. If you've had two. - Oh, dear. Heavens.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Do you know that when they go into space in a weightless environment,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- they poo into the wall? - What do you mean into the wall?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Like a hole in the wall? - A hole in the wall, yeah.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10They don't smear it on the wall.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14It turns out the best way to relieve yourself
0:20:14 > 0:20:18in a weightless environment is through a hole in the wall.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22- It's easier to do that than go down or up.- I do that with the shower.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25You admitted it, which many people wouldn't.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Who doesn't poo in the shower?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28LAUGHTER
0:20:28 > 0:20:30You bad man.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36Everyone would know if Jimmy pooed in the shower.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Pooing into the wall of a...
0:20:37 > 0:20:41So, the space station is built with a little glory hole thing...
0:20:41 > 0:20:43If you want to call it that.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45You're too much slightly in the know to know what that is.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Like in a Welcome Break services, they've got that...
0:20:49 > 0:20:51On the second junction. What?
0:20:52 > 0:20:56What is your problem? Everyone knows that. Never on a Tuesday.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00A glory hole on a spaceship!
0:21:02 > 0:21:07There's also about three people on this station at any one time.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09By a process of elimination,
0:21:09 > 0:21:11it's only going to be one of two other people.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15- That's true. You can't... - This is John. It's not Elaine.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17You'd recognise...
0:21:17 > 0:21:21I thought there was a fourth one and that was their role in the mission.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25I mean, if you're going to Mars, it's going to take five years.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Your job is a very important job.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- You go in this room with a hole in the wall.- Oh, dear.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35And people guess your name.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37But the other thing that happens
0:21:37 > 0:21:40when you go into space is you don't snore, I believe. Do you know this?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42I didn't. That's a beautiful little fact.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- So far.- You sleep in these... Well...- Yes, of course.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Cos there's no gravity, it doesn't affect your vocal cords.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50That's an extreme cure, though, isn't it?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I'm going to try the little things first.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- That's the next step.- It's quite expensive to go intergalactic.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I imagine there are wives watching this going,
0:21:57 > 0:21:59"Yeah, it's going to have to be space.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02"Even then, I think he might wake me."
0:22:02 > 0:22:07Anyway, what can you find out by hiding under a student's bed?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- BUZZER - Yes, Jo?
0:22:10 > 0:22:14I've got to go for this. Is it a massive pile of porn mags?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- That's probably true. - I thought that would go off. - Those were the days.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I think, I think now you've got the internet, it's...
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Yeah, you wouldn't, really.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Broadband are doing a terrific job now. Terrific.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I think that's a bit sad though, in a way.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27It's not, yeah, they were...
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- You prefer mags.- Not for men. - No, not personally.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31LAUGHTER
0:22:31 > 0:22:34They did this in the 1930s, it was extremely unethical,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37but we're in pursuit of knowledge, which is our theme today.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38- Oh, scientists? - So they were researchers.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41They were researching, and the only way to find out
0:22:41 > 0:22:43what people are saying without knowing they're being overheard
0:22:43 > 0:22:47was to hide somewhere and take notes while they were talking.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49And they wanted to know what sort of things students spoke about.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- So they used to hide underneath the beds?- Yeah, and take notes.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55It sounds to me, Stephen, I don't want to, you know, throw stones
0:22:55 > 0:22:58at these lovely scientists, but it sounds to me like a cover story.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00You wait, you wait till I get to some other unethical scientists,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- you hold that back. Because it gets worse.- Oh, tell me more!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05We're on the subject of unethical research.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07And basically, this was the only way you can have of being sure
0:23:07 > 0:23:10that you know what people are talking about with absolute clarity.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Because people change what they say
0:23:12 > 0:23:15when they know someone's listening, someone outside their circle.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18But the idea was to discover what the main subject was, that people spoke about.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19They listened to...
0:23:19 > 0:23:22They just thought, "They'll never look under the bed!"
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Why would you look under a bed?!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26There's nothing interesting down there!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Yeah, where they could overhear them.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31And they discovered that 40% of their conversation was devoted to?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- The opposite sex.- No, it wasn't that. It was themselves.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37It was a study in egocentricity. They spoke about themselves.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- I would never do that.- A-ha-ha!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Jimmy Carr would never let that happen!
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Oh, don't, that's the worst thing in the world you can do!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46So, there are other dodgy experiments.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49There was a Personal Space Invasion In The Men's Restroom,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- a study of 1976. - GRAHAM SNORTS
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Someone hid a camera under the partition,
0:23:53 > 0:23:55under the sort of floor space.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57"Someone", Stephen? "Someone?"
0:23:57 > 0:23:59LAUGHTER
0:23:59 > 0:24:01You seem to know a lot about this, Stephen!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I've got a couple of questions.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05You like technology, don't you?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08And there's a camera in the men's room!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11"Oh, I'm just doing a study." "Are you?!"
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- It was...- Apologise, Stephen!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17It was to see how they filled space when, if there was one person,
0:24:17 > 0:24:21say the third in a row of six, where would the average person go?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Would it be as far away apart, or would that look too obvious?
0:24:24 > 0:24:28It's very interesting when you go in there, because I used to be, I don't have it any more,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30but I used to be quite a shy pee-er, are you aware of shy peeing?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- Yeah, of course.- I have a technique for that.- What's your technique?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36My technique for shy peeing is,
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I think of the most embarrassing thing I can do.
0:24:38 > 0:24:44I just think of doing something like saying, "I think I love you",
0:24:44 > 0:24:47or just something like that, and then it's all go.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52- When you say, "I love you", you will automatically pee. - Have a little wee.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I don't need to say it, I just need to THINK it.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57And I always have to imagine it very, very realistically.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00I imagine the guy going, "What?! Did he really say that?"
0:25:00 > 0:25:04And then the next thing it's just, you know, it's no longer a problem.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08It is very maddening when you've been absolutely bursting to go
0:25:08 > 0:25:10and then, hello. "Come on! Come on!"
0:25:10 > 0:25:11I find men's rooms...
0:25:11 > 0:25:15There's a story about Bono going into a men's room
0:25:15 > 0:25:19and standing up there and the guy standing beside him, a long silence,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23and then eventually the guy saying, "Bit of stage fright, Bono?"
0:25:23 > 0:25:26JIMMY HOOTS UPROARIOUSLY
0:25:26 > 0:25:28But in 1942, and this is the one
0:25:28 > 0:25:31where you're going to go, "Yeah, right(!)",
0:25:31 > 0:25:33a psychologist called Lawrence LeShan
0:25:33 > 0:25:35tried to use sleep-learning at a summer camp...
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- Yeah, right(!) - ..to cure some boys of nail-biting.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- Oh, no.- He recorded the phrase,
0:25:40 > 0:25:44"My fingernails are terribly bitter," on a phonograph,
0:25:44 > 0:25:47and then played it 300 times a night in the boys' tent, or room or whatever it was.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49And they all went on to kill and kill again?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51One boy appeared to respond positively,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54but then after five weeks the phonograph broke.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57So, to keep the experiment running,
0:25:57 > 0:26:01he stood in the boys' dormitory through the night
0:26:01 > 0:26:03and repeated the phrase himself.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05"My fingernails taste terribly bitter."
0:26:05 > 0:26:07This seemed to work, and he claimed it as a success.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10It's thought, generally, these days, that the boys were awake
0:26:10 > 0:26:12and just freaked out by the experience
0:26:12 > 0:26:15and they stopped biting their nails to make the nasty man go away.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18It's all very peculiar. Anyway, moving on.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21How did the Romans tell their Keiths from their Kevins?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Some Keiths and Kevins there, in case you don't know what they are.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- Keith Richards.- Kevin Bacon... Kevin Keegan. Keith Lemon.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Well done, that's enough. That's all, you won't get any more.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33The other ones don't look real.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- No... And they're looking... - Are they the actual Romans?
0:26:36 > 0:26:40I think on the far left, that's Burger King, isn't it?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42I think it might be, it does look a bit like it.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45They could have... Because in Latin they both mean the same?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47It's not that. It doesn't have to be Keiths and Kevins,
0:26:47 > 0:26:49it means how did Romans know people's names?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- How do they know people's names? - Because we all forget them...
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- JO: Did they remember them?- No. That's the point, they'd forgotten.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57- Badge, they had a badge.- No.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59You have a special servant.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01A servant to say your name?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03A nomenclator. Not to say YOUR name!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05LAUGHTER
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- I'm assuming you'll remember your own name!- This is Pepe!
0:27:08 > 0:27:12It's when you forget other people's. So you come in and the person whispers, "Alan Davies",
0:27:12 > 0:27:14and you go, "Alan, how lovely to see you!"
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Because otherwise you've forgotten, like a politician.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20- That's very useful.- Yeah. Absolutely right. And politicians...
0:27:20 > 0:27:21- I have a technique for names.- Yeah?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23If I've forgotten someone's name, I just say,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26"Excuse me for a second", and then I go home.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28LAUGHTER
0:27:29 > 0:27:31APPLAUSE
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Works every time!
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- If you're the nomenclator...- Yes?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40..and you keep saying, "This is Steve. This is Fiona."
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- Stevius, Fiona.- After a while he goes, "I know. I know that one!"
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Yes, you would. You're allowed to tell them...
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Just tell me the ones I don't know. She thinks I've forgotten her name!
0:27:49 > 0:27:52I really thought I was in there,
0:27:52 > 0:27:54and now you've just gone "Fiona",
0:27:54 > 0:27:57as if I didn't know it was... Look at her face now!
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Go over there and say, "He knew, I was just doing my job.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03"He wants you to know that he knew you were Fiona."
0:28:03 > 0:28:08"This is your wife, Susan. You've been married 15 years."
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I actually do have a system involving my wife,
0:28:11 > 0:28:13which is, we go over to someone whose name I don't know,
0:28:13 > 0:28:16and I just stand there in total silence,
0:28:16 > 0:28:19and then eventually my wife says, "I'm sorry, my name's Helen."
0:28:19 > 0:28:23And the guy says, "Oh, I'm Gary," and I go, "I'm sorry. This is Gary! Gary, Helen. Helen, Gary."
0:28:23 > 0:28:25- Didn't I introduce you? I thought I, yeah...- Yeah.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29Just as soon as they say it, you go, "Ah!" And then you sort of...
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Is that a system, per se? LAUGHTER
0:28:31 > 0:28:35- Sounds like you being awkward at a party.- I'm sorry, I am...
0:28:35 > 0:28:37So, moving on to self knowledge.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40How do you know when you have enough?
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Everyone always tells me.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48- It's normally... It's a tap on the shoulder, isn't it?- I think, Jimmy...
0:28:48 > 0:28:50- Jimmy...- It's the cold steel around both wrists.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56And the clanging of the door, and the one phone call.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00"I've had enough.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04"Who am I speaking to?"
0:29:07 > 0:29:12- Oh, dear.- Are we talking food here? - We are talking food.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14JO: I don't, really.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19The fact is this is about knowledge and you think you're full when,
0:29:19 > 0:29:22as it were, you know you've had enough, which is
0:29:22 > 0:29:24obviously not knowledge - it is memory.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26You can test this on people with short-term memory loss.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29I mean amnesiacs, who immediately forget what's just happened.
0:29:29 > 0:29:33- I'm sorry, what were you saying? - Exactly. Thank you very much.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35So, there are people who have this condition.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39They forget that they've eaten, say, 20 minutes, half an hour afterwards.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42And you ask them if they'd like to eat and they will eat three or four
0:29:42 > 0:29:45heavy meals when they are obviously completely stuffed
0:29:45 > 0:29:49because they don't remember eating. They literally don't remember it.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52There is a trick you can do with a bowl of thick soup which has
0:29:52 > 0:29:55got a clever little mechanism on it so that, while people aren't
0:29:55 > 0:29:58looking, it fills itself up again or empties itself ahead of time.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Some people think they've had the full bowl of soup
0:30:00 > 0:30:04when they've actually had less or they've actually had a lot more.
0:30:04 > 0:30:08I've got a similar device for desserts, which is my girlfriend.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12She won't order one but I'll order one and then it just goes missing.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16- It works with chips as well. - Very good.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19She hasn't had dessert in ten years.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21I've had a lot of half desserts.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25Anyway, that's enough about that sort of thing. Diet.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28We feel full after a meal not just because we are
0:30:28 > 0:30:31but because we think we are. A question about kith and kin now.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34What's the best way of avoiding talking to your mother-in-law?
0:30:34 > 0:30:37BUZZER
0:30:37 > 0:30:40- Yes, Jo? - Removing her vocal cords,
0:30:40 > 0:30:42with some pliers!
0:30:42 > 0:30:45That's the best way of avoiding HER talking to YOU.
0:30:45 > 0:30:47JIMMY: Well, lean in for the kiss.
0:30:47 > 0:30:51- Ugh! Oddly enough, you're in the right, hideous area.- Really?
0:30:51 > 0:30:55Prince Charles's hair is being stealthily removed
0:30:55 > 0:30:59from his head by Camilla's hair-grabbing, hair-eating hat.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01LAUGHTER
0:31:01 > 0:31:04It's like a Triffid.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07And she's operating it slyly with her hand and going like that.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10And the hair is being sucked into that hat.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13- She's looking down at the dial. - The hat devours it!
0:31:13 > 0:31:15If you don't like your mother-in-law,
0:31:15 > 0:31:17what hope is there for you?
0:31:17 > 0:31:20I view the mother-in-law as, it's Christmas Future.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23- Yes, that's true. - If you don't like your mother-in-law,
0:31:23 > 0:31:27you're in trouble, 20 years down the line. That's what you're buying into.
0:31:27 > 0:31:32My mother-in-law makes absolutely no sound when she moves.
0:31:32 > 0:31:33LAUGHTER
0:31:35 > 0:31:37That's remarkable. Like Jeeves.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40She is the stealthiest person.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42You've got a stealth mother-in-law. Is she sprayed black?
0:31:42 > 0:31:45Honestly, she could be a brilliant spy, you know?
0:31:45 > 0:31:49You might be in a room and you're looking in a thing or something,
0:31:49 > 0:31:52and then suddenly she'll go, "Hello." "Oh, Jesus!
0:31:52 > 0:31:55"Where did you come from?! Where did you come from?!
0:31:55 > 0:31:57"It's a long way from the door!"
0:31:57 > 0:32:00Anybody would have gone, "Ahem," made a little noise. Nothing.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Oh, that's terrible. It's like the famous story
0:32:03 > 0:32:04of the boy who was, you know,
0:32:04 > 0:32:07having a play with himself in his bedroom, with his eyes closed.
0:32:07 > 0:32:10And by the way, I was not doing, I was not playing with myself!
0:32:10 > 0:32:13- No, not you.- In this story, before you conflate them.
0:32:13 > 0:32:17- No, that's true.- What's that story or that thing where Alan Davies,
0:32:17 > 0:32:19and his mother-in-law comes up behind him?
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Let's just separate those two things!
0:32:21 > 0:32:24All right. But he closes his eyes in bliss
0:32:24 > 0:32:26and when he opens them afterwards,
0:32:26 > 0:32:28he just finds a cup of tea next to him!
0:32:28 > 0:32:30LAUGHTER
0:32:30 > 0:32:32It sounds so appalling!
0:32:32 > 0:32:37She thought, "Well, your father always likes a cup of tea afterwards!"
0:32:37 > 0:32:39And a biscuit!
0:32:39 > 0:32:41APPLAUSE
0:32:41 > 0:32:45Oh, gracious! Oh, Alan!
0:32:45 > 0:32:48Les Dawson gets a hard time for mother-in-law jokes.
0:32:48 > 0:32:52- And they are the best mother-in-law jokes.- Remind us of some.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54- Copyright Les Dawson. - Copyright Les Dawson was the,
0:32:54 > 0:32:56"Walking down the street with my wife.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59"I saw my mother-in-law and she was being beaten up by six men.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01"My wife said, 'Aren't you going to help?'
0:33:01 > 0:33:03"I said, 'Six should be enough.'"
0:33:03 > 0:33:05LAUGHTER
0:33:05 > 0:33:06Brilliant.
0:33:09 > 0:33:13The weird... When I was growing up, starting in comedy, it was like,
0:33:13 > 0:33:16- "Oh, yeah, he just tells mother-in-law jokes."- I know.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18- He was frowned on.- He was sort of a genius.- A complete genius.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20- AS LES DAWSON: - My mother-in-law came round.
0:33:20 > 0:33:24The mice were throwing themselves on the traps.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26LAUGHTER
0:33:29 > 0:33:30STEPHEN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:33:32 > 0:33:36That piano playing act is one of the greatest things of all time.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39- Which is very difficult to do. - Yeah, so I believe.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41- He'd do The Blue Danube... - HE HUMS TUNE
0:33:41 > 0:33:43- ..like that.- Hit the bum note.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45Enough. We haven't even begun to answer this question yet.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48It's about sexual taboos with mothers-in-laws...
0:33:48 > 0:33:49Sexual taboos with mother-in-laws?!
0:33:49 > 0:33:51Taboos, and there is this particular language
0:33:51 > 0:33:55- where you have a special language... - What?!- ..in which to speak to your mother-in-law.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57It's called an avoidance language,
0:33:57 > 0:33:59so you have your own, the natural line of language.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02We've got one of those, haven't we? It's called small talk.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05But this has a different vocabulary and it's absolutely different.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08A whole language where you can talk to your mother-in-law so it's just safe subjects?
0:34:08 > 0:34:12You also have to avert the eyes and look at the ground, which is part of using that language.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15And there are certain words that don't exist in that language,
0:34:15 > 0:34:18- most notably things like pubic hair and sweaty smells.- JO: But why?
0:34:18 > 0:34:21Because there is a taboo and a sense of respect
0:34:21 > 0:34:24that is given by the male to the mother of his wife.
0:34:24 > 0:34:25It's in Australia.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28There's some Aboriginal peoples who have these avoidance languages.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30And it's really fascinating, isn't it?
0:34:30 > 0:34:34In Japan, they have a special language when talking about the royal family.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37Is there a phrase for "You've spilt the Tippex,"
0:34:37 > 0:34:38in their culture?
0:34:39 > 0:34:41Someone needs to address that.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43You're so bad. You're so bad!
0:34:43 > 0:34:46Now, what did this bird bring to the German city of Klutz?
0:34:48 > 0:34:50- Chlamydia.- Chlamydia!
0:34:52 > 0:34:54- The Chlamydia Stork.- It's a good idea. The Chlamydia Stork!
0:34:54 > 0:34:57Sounds like a desperate man back from a business trip in Holland,
0:34:57 > 0:35:01- going, "Ah, ah, the thing is, storks."- Yes!
0:35:01 > 0:35:05Is that a particular, like a giant stork that you only find in Germany?
0:35:05 > 0:35:08I'll show you a picture of it. It's been stuffed and is in a museum.
0:35:08 > 0:35:09How big is it, really?
0:35:09 > 0:35:12Well, it's hard to tell the scale, but storks are quite big.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14But that's an arrow through it, or spear, rather.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17They call it an arrow in German, which is Pfeil,
0:35:17 > 0:35:19and it's known as the Pfeilstorch,
0:35:19 > 0:35:21which is just literally "arrow stork".
0:35:21 > 0:35:24Now, you may say what's odd about that? Nothing, particularly.
0:35:24 > 0:35:28But what they recognised was that the arrow was not German.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30Indeed it was not even European.
0:35:30 > 0:35:34- But they recognised right away that it was African.- That it had flown a very long way.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36What on earth would a bird be doing
0:35:36 > 0:35:38with an African spear in its neck, they thought?
0:35:38 > 0:35:41So they puzzled out the possibility that birds,
0:35:41 > 0:35:44rather than disappearing at winter...
0:35:44 > 0:35:46- Oh, went to Africa.- Yes, migrated.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48- Sorry, are you saying it flew back with that...- Yes.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50- It survived.- No way!- I know, yeah.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53- I was just... I mean, no way! - It happened. Yes, it did.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57It flew to Germany going, "Well, I'm never going back there."
0:35:57 > 0:35:59LAUGHTER
0:35:59 > 0:36:02"The worst holiday ever!"
0:36:02 > 0:36:04APPLAUSE
0:36:04 > 0:36:08I find that... The survival of that bird, I find extraordinary, that it arrived.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11It is. But you hear stories of bullets piercing people's heads
0:36:11 > 0:36:12without somehow managing to...
0:36:12 > 0:36:15Not an arrow travelling the length of
0:36:15 > 0:36:17its neck and through its head.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20I know. It is astounding that it flew.
0:36:20 > 0:36:21- "Something's different!"- Yeah.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24Do you think it was originally from Germany? Or it got kind of...
0:36:24 > 0:36:27It was from England and somehow, "Whoa, we're going right a bit!"
0:36:27 > 0:36:31It might have slightly tilted to the right, we don't know. It was in the 1820s.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34In the Spanish Inquisition, they used to put people on spikes.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37- They'd put the spike up your bum hole...- Oh, don't.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40..and right up through you and it'd come out your shoulder
0:36:40 > 0:36:43and it would miss all the vital organs and you'd be alive.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45- That's not nice, is it? - And they'd put you up in the square.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48I'm beginning really to think less and less of the Spanish Inquisition,
0:36:48 > 0:36:51- let's be honest. - 350 years, it went on.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53- I thought it was, you know... - Oh, no.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55..a couple of weeks.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57LAUGHTER
0:36:57 > 0:37:00Then it was safe to go back! Back to Marbella.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03- 350 years!- It wasn't always as torturous as it is.
0:37:03 > 0:37:07- They did some terrible things.- They did. But not for 300 years solid.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09When it wasn't torturous, what would they do?
0:37:09 > 0:37:12Well, they would test your faith, but they wouldn't punish you by...
0:37:12 > 0:37:14There was a lot of tickling.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17There was 100 years where it was mainly Chinese burns.
0:37:17 > 0:37:22"You do believe in God. Yes, you do! Yes, you do! Yes, you bloody do.
0:37:22 > 0:37:26Anyway, until that time, people had observed birds disappearing,
0:37:26 > 0:37:29and they'd assumed all kinds of things, that they went underwater,
0:37:29 > 0:37:32that, you know, they changed into other animals, but there was no
0:37:32 > 0:37:35- particular evidence, except they disappeared.- It was 18...?- 1820.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38This was the first kind of clear evidence, as it were, that the bird had been to Africa.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41And so things began to get put together.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44Samuel Johnson wrote that, "Swallows certainly sleep in the winter.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47"A number of them conglobulate together by flying round and round
0:37:47 > 0:37:51"and then all in a heap throw themselves underwater and lie on the bed of the river."
0:37:51 > 0:37:53That's what he thought, because swallows disappear in winter.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56He assumed they hibernated, like other animals.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59Butterflies, of course, the migrate thousands of miles
0:37:59 > 0:38:00but we never see them.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03- Why don't we see butterflies migrating?- They're invisible.
0:38:03 > 0:38:07They're caterpillars. They migrate as caterpillars.
0:38:07 > 0:38:11- They migrate, like, super, super slowly.- A long time to get there.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13They are very, very hungry. I read a book about them.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16The reason is that they are actually a kilometre up.
0:38:16 > 0:38:20- They are incredibly high.- Are they? - Yeah. It's really astonishing that
0:38:20 > 0:38:22these fragile, delicate creatures manage to get the height
0:38:22 > 0:38:24and then, when they are in there,
0:38:24 > 0:38:26to orient themselves in such a way that they know they are
0:38:26 > 0:38:30all facing the right direction and get thousands of miles.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32They're like this, "Whoa!"
0:38:32 > 0:38:34It is astonishing, isn't it?
0:38:34 > 0:38:37JO: Well, I remember being on a school bus once.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39There was a beautiful butterfly on it fluttering around,
0:38:39 > 0:38:42trying to get out and I caught it in my hands.
0:38:42 > 0:38:43I went, "Go free,"
0:38:43 > 0:38:47- and I let it out the window and a bird swooped in and ate it.- Oh, no.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49That is a metaphor for life, that.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51It is, isn't it? It completely is.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54Now, get this right and you can have your weight in points.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56I'd like you to add these numbers up.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59- Look at the screen, add up the numbers.- Hang on. Hang on. Pen.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01JO: Oh!
0:39:01 > 0:39:03That's silly.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05- Nine, nine, nine, nine.- No.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08- 431.- No. I'll let you have,
0:39:08 > 0:39:11which the winner of this competition did not have,
0:39:11 > 0:39:14the opportunity to see it again. All right, again. Two-second burst.
0:39:16 > 0:39:17Add that up.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19Oh, it's about 897.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21No. It would be astonishing if you got it,
0:39:21 > 0:39:22but in Japan - where else? -
0:39:22 > 0:39:24they have this. It's called Flash Anzan.
0:39:24 > 0:39:28And actually the world record-holder had a shorter time than that.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31You have to correctly add 15 three-digit numbers,
0:39:31 > 0:39:34and he did it in 1.7 seconds.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37There's a particular reason Japanese people are very good at this.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39I think I know the reason. It's in Malcolm Gladwell's book.
0:39:39 > 0:39:43It's because of how they process... how the language processes numbers.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45There is a strange thing in Chinese and Japanese,
0:39:45 > 0:39:49in both languages, with the number, if you say the numbers together,
0:39:49 > 0:39:52it automatically adds them up, sort of linguistically.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54Yes, but there's a really interesting addition to that,
0:39:54 > 0:39:56which is that what they're doing,
0:39:56 > 0:39:58and their fingers are the giveaway, they do this.
0:39:58 > 0:39:59What do you think that is?
0:39:59 > 0:40:02That, that is a living one of those!
0:40:02 > 0:40:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:05 > 0:40:06Come on!
0:40:06 > 0:40:09Genius! You see?
0:40:09 > 0:40:12I've always said, "He's a savant!"
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Or it's a herd of those!
0:40:16 > 0:40:19I read that book and isn't there a thing...?
0:40:19 > 0:40:22It's a Malcolm Gladwell book called Outliers. It's brilliant.
0:40:22 > 0:40:26The thing about it is they use fewer syllables in the numbers
0:40:26 > 0:40:30so that they have greater aptitude for adding them up
0:40:30 > 0:40:33- more quickly as children. - That might help them.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36The answer, incidentally was 1,966.
0:40:36 > 0:40:41But the secret actually is in the Chinese, Japanese abacus.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43They're actually doing the action of the abacus.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46And the more amazing thing, perhaps,
0:40:46 > 0:40:50is that, at the same time, they can have a conversation with someone.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52Because it's another part of the brain that's being engaged.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55And they'll say the answer, but they won't remember a single one
0:40:55 > 0:40:57of the numbers they added up.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59I thought about this and thought, "This is crazy."
0:40:59 > 0:41:01I've got a composer friend who came round to my house and I happen
0:41:01 > 0:41:05to have a full orchestral score of Don Giovanni for the piano and he...
0:41:05 > 0:41:06Of course you did!
0:41:06 > 0:41:08LAUGHTER
0:41:08 > 0:41:10I did! People do!
0:41:10 > 0:41:14Anyway, he just opened it like that and he started playing it,
0:41:14 > 0:41:17sight-reading, like that, on the piano. And talking to me about it.
0:41:17 > 0:41:21"This is the bit where it does that." And I somehow took apart what he was doing.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23It's not written out as a piano score,
0:41:23 > 0:41:26it's written out as violins, oboes, flutes, cor anglais,
0:41:26 > 0:41:28which you have to transpose in your head while doing it,
0:41:28 > 0:41:31cos it's written in a different key from the rest of everything else.
0:41:31 > 0:41:34So, he's doing that and playing a beautiful transcription
0:41:34 > 0:41:37- and talking to me.- The people that do that, they're slightly magic.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40- I agree.- And that's a spell they're saying and I go,
0:41:40 > 0:41:44- "Yeah, fine, I'll believe that. Might as well be."- I know.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47- Conductors, trained musicians. - 10,000 hours. 10,000 hours.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50That's it. The Beatles, Mozart, all of them, as we know. We think...
0:41:50 > 0:41:54- It's a very convincing... - I've done 10,000 hours.- Of this.
0:41:54 > 0:41:57Of sitting around, vacantly thinking...
0:41:57 > 0:42:02- And you're really getting good at it now.- Being wrong about stuff.
0:42:02 > 0:42:05Which brings me to some very complicated adding up of my own, as a matter of fact.
0:42:05 > 0:42:08Oh, my gracious goodness, heavens!
0:42:08 > 0:42:12The scores are unusual, because we have, of course, been giving scores
0:42:12 > 0:42:17to make up for our errors on account of the half-life of facts.
0:42:17 > 0:42:18So, in last place, I'm afraid,
0:42:18 > 0:42:21it's magnificent for a first appearance, minus 19,
0:42:21 > 0:42:22Graham Linehan.
0:42:22 > 0:42:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:24 > 0:42:26- Graham, congratulations.- Thank you.
0:42:28 > 0:42:32In fourth place, with 23.24, it's the audience!
0:42:32 > 0:42:33Well done!
0:42:38 > 0:42:40- And in third place... - So I'm behind the audience?
0:42:40 > 0:42:43Yes, I'm afraid so. It's deeply unfair.
0:42:43 > 0:42:46- The Star Wars guy's in the audience. - I'm on the show!
0:42:48 > 0:42:49I'm so sorry.
0:42:49 > 0:42:55And in third place, with plus 33.58, is Jimmy Carr.
0:42:55 > 0:42:56APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:56 > 0:42:57Come on.
0:43:00 > 0:43:05In second place, with plus 85.73, Jo Brand.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:07 > 0:43:08Not bad for a lady!
0:43:10 > 0:43:14And today's out-and-out winner,
0:43:14 > 0:43:18with 689.66, is Alan Davies!
0:43:18 > 0:43:20APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING
0:43:25 > 0:43:26It was worth it.
0:43:26 > 0:43:30And, so, it's thank you and good night
0:43:30 > 0:43:32from Graham, Jimmy, Jo, Alan and me.
0:43:32 > 0:43:35Be useful and lovely to yourselves, good night.
0:43:35 > 0:43:38APPLAUSE
0:43:48 > 0:43:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd