0:00:26 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Hello, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35good evening, good evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:39and welcome to QI, where tonight we are looking for our keys.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42To help us we have a key man, Tim Minchin.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:45 > 0:00:47A key woman, Isy Suttie!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:50 > 0:00:53A key player, Bill Bailey.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:55 > 0:00:59And an allen key, Alan Davies!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Ah, you see what he did there.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08So, they've all got their keyboards. Tim, give us an A.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09"A" NOTE PLAYS
0:01:09 > 0:01:11That's an A.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Isy, in the great tradition of Blockbusters, I'd like an E, please.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16"E" NOTE PLAYS
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Very nice. Bill, give us a G.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20"G" NOTE PLAYS
0:01:20 > 0:01:22And Alan, give us a B.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23BEE BUZZES
0:01:23 > 0:01:25LAUGHTER
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Aaah. Aaaah.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30We have given you a musical instrument.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31I have got the thing here, but...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33BILL: Oh. A glockenspiel?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37We didn't trust you with anything electrical.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40It's nice. It's something for you to keep yourself occupied
0:01:40 > 0:01:42if you don't know any answers.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Bill could teach me a couple of tunes during the record. I bet Bill will, too.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Here's a good one. There you go. Here's a good one, look.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49HE PLAYS TWO NOTES There you are.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51LAUGHTER
0:01:51 > 0:01:53It's Airport Announcement.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Airport Announcement, by Ravel.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59By Ravel, yes. It's a beautiful piece.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Absolutely wonderful.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03FRENCH ACCENT: "An announcement aeroport," yes.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Exactly. Do know any, any tunes?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08French? No. I don't know any tunes.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09HE PLAYS TWO NOTES
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Doorbell. Same, similar. Oh, very good.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I don't know who wrote whose first, I imagine doorbell came first.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17ISY: They're always in a major third, as if to herald good news.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Yes, exactly. Yeah.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20TIM PLAYS TWO NOTES - MAJOR THIRD
0:02:20 > 0:02:23"Your flight is delayed by eight hours."
0:02:23 > 0:02:24"I don't feel so bad!"
0:02:24 > 0:02:27TIM PLAYS TWO NOTES - MINOR THIRD "Boarding now." "Oh, no!"
0:02:27 > 0:02:30BILL: The best doorbells always frighten people away.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32PLAYS NOTES FROM "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND"
0:02:32 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Marvellous. You haven't played anything for us yet, Isy,
0:02:37 > 0:02:38just get your fingers warm.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42SHE PLAYS JAUNTY PIANO TUNE
0:02:42 > 0:02:46That was the jazz version. Wow! Pretty good.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47BILL: That was great.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Anyway, there we are.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54So, I'll give you the keys to the city, all right?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56What's the first thing you'll do?
0:02:56 > 0:02:57NOTE PLAYS Yes?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59I'd make a copy of them.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Clever. TIM: Yeah, good.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04In case I lock myself out when I'm drunk.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06And I'd give a copy to my cleaner.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Very, very smart.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10What else can you do with the keys to the city?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Drive a sheep across a bridge.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14KLAXON BLARES
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Ah. What?!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20No. I am a Freeman of the City of London, as it happens.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Quite right. Oh, thank you. Very disappointed if you weren't.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25And I did drive, I did drive a sheep over,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27though in fact it was flagrantly illegal.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28It's just one of those myths.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Also that supposedly that you can bear a sword in the city,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33but that's not true, either.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Is there an actual door that you can fit that in?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38No. No, there really isn't. What do you actually get?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Do you actually get a key in a nice presentation case?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42No, you get a long sort of parchment,
0:03:42 > 0:03:47wherein, heretofore, let it be understood the City and Corporation...
0:03:47 > 0:03:49There've been mayors since 1213 and I said
0:03:49 > 0:03:53"You must feel pretty extraordinary to be in a position that hasn't
0:03:53 > 0:03:56changed for 800 years" and there was a cough at my shoulder
0:03:56 > 0:03:58and it was the sheriff of London.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01He said "There were sheriffs of London 500 years
0:04:01 > 0:04:03before the first mayor."
0:04:03 > 0:04:06He was in the 8th century, the 700s.
0:04:06 > 0:04:11Through plagues and fires and all that. It's pretty amazing.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15What does he do? How does one sheriff these days?
0:04:15 > 0:04:21You wear extraordinary shrieval - it's the adjective of sheriff - shrieval laces and wigs.
0:04:21 > 0:04:26In London you're free to trade without having to pay a toll at the bridge.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Today, it's a purely symbolic honour.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31The City of London Police do not permit sheep
0:04:31 > 0:04:35to be taken across the bridge aside from the occasional publicity stunt.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38The City of London Police are so boring.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42You can't do that there. Oh, come on. Freedom.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44BILL: Is there anything you can do?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I mean is there anything... You can go naked, or something, or...?
0:04:47 > 0:04:48No, no real rights.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I mean if you are poor, you can access some
0:04:50 > 0:04:51educational and charitable funds.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Dick Whittington, probably the most famous London Lord Mayor,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57in the early 15th century, left money in trust for water troughs
0:04:57 > 0:05:01and children's education, and that charity is still giving out money.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Really? It's been wisely invested. That's pretty amazing, isn't it?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07There are other people to get freedoms of cities.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12To whom do you think Detroit gave the key of their city in 1980?
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Diana Ross.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15No, it wasn't Diana Ross, you'd think it would be a...
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Someone off of Motown. Gary Numan.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19It should be a Motown star. Wasn't Gary Numan.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Gary Numan? No. What wrote Cars?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23No. That would be good. No, it wasn't.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25It was actually Saddam Hussein.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27AUDIENCE LAUGH AND MURMUR
0:05:27 > 0:05:28What? Well, they're sick of him. What?!
0:05:28 > 0:05:31It's the usual pattern. In 1980, he was our friend.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32He was a friend. Yeah. Of course.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34The City of Toronto has given the key to
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela and Mickey Mouse.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Never seen in the same room. Pathetic, the Dalai Lama?! Why him?
0:05:42 > 0:05:43The Dalai Lama, what was it?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Nelson Mandela and Mickey Mouse.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Ah, my perfect Sunday.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50LAUGHTER Those three round for dinner.
0:05:50 > 0:05:55Corona, California, gave a cat the freedom of its city limits.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Oh, that's stupid, isn't it?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Because the cat had hit the Guinness Book of Records
0:05:59 > 0:06:01by being the tallest cat in the world.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06And, because we're QI, we rang up the city of Corona, and it's true.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09They were very pleased to have it verified for us.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13But Cher upset Australians in 2012,
0:06:13 > 0:06:17when she sold her key to Adelaide on eBay.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Oh. She got 96,000 dollars for it.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Wow! What?! Yeah.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Someone paid 96 grand for a symbolic key to Adelaide?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27To Adelaide, not even Melbourne or Sydney!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29I mean, I like Adelaide, but that's...
0:06:29 > 0:06:31BILL: It's a lot though, isn't it? I don't want a key.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35She responded to the inevitable backlash on Twitter.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36She said...
0:06:43 > 0:06:45F'd up. Fudged. Fudged up, yeah.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Friend. So, there you are. Flowled. Flower-up.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Flagaba...
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Keep guessing. I don't know.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Fruity. Flannel. Flannel up.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Flannel up and wait for me.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00POSH VOICE: "Flannel up!
0:07:00 > 0:07:04"Clean yourself and flannel up. I'll be up in five minutes!
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I have to flannel you down!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12"And put on the special ointment!"
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Bring me another one, this one's flannelled-out.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Oh, dear. All right, OK. I like a flannel.
0:07:18 > 0:07:23What key part did bigots play in the Second World War?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25What do you mean...? You're talking...
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Not that kind of bigot. BIGOT being a diversionary tactic.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33That's a bit of a minor description. I think it is.
0:07:33 > 0:07:39This word is... Oh, he was a bigot, was he? The more I hear about him...
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Is it an acronym for something? "Big-oh". No, it's British.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Churchill chose it. Oh, really?
0:07:45 > 0:07:51Beware, I've Got One...Trouser.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Beware, I've Got One Trouser?
0:07:54 > 0:07:58I'm Going Out Tomorrow.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04Blimey, I've Got..Owls...Turned.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09He's so shit at I Spy.
0:08:11 > 0:08:16BIGOT stands for British Invasion of German Occupied Territory.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21So there's Monty and Winnie and they're looking at a map and planning... To flannel over there.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27D-Day... Chaps, got your flannel?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Everybody got their flannel?
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Churchill was the only person who Monty would let smoke.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37It was so secret that anyone who knew any
0:08:37 > 0:08:41details of the Normandy landings, they were on the BIGOT list
0:08:41 > 0:08:44and they were not allowed under any circumstances to leave the country.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46The only exception was Churchill himself.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49No-one on the BIGOT list was allowed out of Britain.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Indeed, there was a rehearsal for the invasion
0:08:52 > 0:08:55and ten people on the BIGOT list were killed accidentally.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58All plans for the invasion were put on hold
0:08:58 > 0:09:00until they could account for every single one of the bodies
0:09:00 > 0:09:04just to be absolutely sure so the secret didn't get out. Well...
0:09:04 > 0:09:08It's got out now, yes.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13It wasn't that it was unlikely, that it wouldn't happen. England's there. France is there.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I know but we did everything we possibly could to
0:09:15 > 0:09:18persuade them that it was going to be further across towards Belgium
0:09:18 > 0:09:22and they withheld divisions further away from Normandy where we landed
0:09:22 > 0:09:24precisely because... Fake landing.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27..they fell for some of the spies - the Zigzag man
0:09:27 > 0:09:30and that poor old chap who was a dead body
0:09:30 > 0:09:32who was dressed as though he was an important officer
0:09:32 > 0:09:34and dropped in the sea outside Gibraltar
0:09:34 > 0:09:37with a chained briefcase with plans and they gave him a whole life.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40He was called the man who never was. There was a film of it.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Who was he?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45He was probably a very sad down and out Welsh chap who died very young
0:09:45 > 0:09:48and had been found sleeping rough somewhere and they dressed him up
0:09:48 > 0:09:51smartly to look like an officer. You wouldn't have to do that now.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53You would just get someone from Big Brother.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56People would volunteer for it.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Certainly the rest of us would.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02The surprise is you're going to be killed and you're a fake general.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03OMG!
0:10:05 > 0:10:08It's a good film. If you ever see it coming round on Channel 4,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11it's the sort of thing that pops up now and again. Yes, I will.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14It's funny he didn't know when he was alive what a key part he'd play
0:10:14 > 0:10:15when he was dead.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I know. Operation Mincemeat, it was called.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20You can sign up to this service
0:10:20 > 0:10:26when you're alive which monitors your Tweets and Facebook
0:10:26 > 0:10:31and when you're dead, it continues to Tweet as you
0:10:31 > 0:10:35until an executor of the will who you've nominated tells it to stop.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40While you're alive, you give it feedback as to how good it is. What?!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I'm starting this business... No!
0:10:44 > 0:10:47It already exists. That's bizarre.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49And you can set how long it goes on till?
0:10:49 > 0:10:54You give someone's name and say this person makes the decision as to when
0:10:54 > 0:10:56the virtual me dies.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59You give it feedback so if it's slightly funnier than you are,
0:10:59 > 0:11:02you say, it's quite good, but bring it down a notch.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07So somebody's employed to be you after you're dead.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Or just you going dead, dead, dead, still dead?
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Then your followers go up. Ooh, he's dead, dead.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17You know with one's contact list when people die,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20I never have the heart to cut them out so I have
0:11:20 > 0:11:22friends that have been dead 10, 12,
0:11:22 > 0:11:2415 years who are still in my address book.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Have they ever called?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29They manifestly haven't called and I haven't called them
0:11:29 > 0:11:32but the act of going delete seems so...
0:11:32 > 0:11:35I've done the same thing but the good thing is
0:11:35 > 0:11:38if someone dead does call you, you'll know it's them.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42I'll know not to answer it.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Of course that number might be reused. They do recycle them
0:11:46 > 0:11:47so it is possible that one day...
0:11:47 > 0:11:49That would be the shock of one's life.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53In fact it's probable that coincidence will happen.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Someone who's got the old number of a dead person will accidentally ring a person who...
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I can't wait till that happens.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Very exciting.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Now, secrecy, in the least order upwards,
0:12:04 > 0:12:06what's the word for the least secret document?
0:12:08 > 0:12:13For anyone's eyes only. Yes, basically it's "unclassified".
0:12:13 > 0:12:19Then "protect", then "restricted", then up to... Up to look over there!
0:12:21 > 0:12:26"Confidential" and then... I'm going to have to kill you.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30"Secret" then... Top secret. Top secret. Yes.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32It used to be, not top secret but...
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Most secret. Most secret.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37We're going to use this Americanism now - top secret.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Most secret's so British, isn't it?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Most secret.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Totes secret.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46NERDY VOICE: There are some UFO conspiracy theorists
0:12:46 > 0:12:52who will tell you that there are 38, 38 levels of secrecy above
0:12:52 > 0:12:54top secret. Why are you talking like this?
0:12:54 > 0:12:59Because these are UFO conspiracy theories. Is that how they talk?
0:12:59 > 0:13:00They all talk like that.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04NERDY VOICE: They all talk like that.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06You can laugh. All right, I will. Ha ha ha ha.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08You'll be laughing on the other side of your face
0:13:08 > 0:13:10when you've been probed.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Yes.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14The next level is "cosmic".
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Even the President of the US does not have cosmic clearance.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Really? Who does? Look it up. It's all there. It's true. Totally true.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29That's my favourite thing about conspiracy theorists.
0:13:29 > 0:13:34This is something that the president doesn't know but I've figured it out!
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Typing away.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Fantastic, isn't it?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42What is CANUKUS' eyes only?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44I beg your pardon? CANUKUS' eyes only.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Is there a creature called a canukus
0:13:46 > 0:13:48and it's the only thing that's allowed to look at it?
0:13:48 > 0:13:52But it can't speak and therefore will never tell anyone.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57United States? No. Not bad. Canada, UK and the United States.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04CANUKUS. CANUKUS. There's AUSCANNZUKUS
0:14:04 > 0:14:07which is known as the five eyes,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10which is Australia, New Zealand, Canada, US and UK.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12There's also, basically, don't tell the French.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:20 > 0:14:23BIGOTS were the key men in planning the D-Day landings.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Now, what's the best way to keep
0:14:24 > 0:14:27the Open Organisation of Lockpickers
0:14:27 > 0:14:29out of your homes?
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Bucket of water over the door, a rake on the floor,
0:14:34 > 0:14:38two miniature beds of nails and a very hungry tiger.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41And you put all that outside the potential lockpicker's door,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43so that they can't even leave their home.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Ah. You don't need to, is the point, actually.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49The fact is, they are incredibly moral and ethical.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53This organisation, which is literally called TOOOL.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55The Organisation - there it is.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57The Open Organisation of Lockpickers.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59BILL: No, this is made-up. It's Dutch. Is it?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02It's a Dutch organisation of recreational lockpickers.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05LAUGHTER
0:15:05 > 0:15:07They claim to have a good purpose,
0:15:07 > 0:15:08they help spread the word in security
0:15:08 > 0:15:12and show how things can be picked, but the point is, you're not allowed
0:15:12 > 0:15:15ever, in this organisation, to pick a lock that doesn't belong to you.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16That's how moral they are.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Well, that's boring, isn't it?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Pick a lock... That's when they're meeting,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22but when they're professionally being lockpickers...
0:15:22 > 0:15:24DUTCH ACCENT: "Hey, what a crazy bunch of guys.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28"Let's go and pick some locks, but not someone we don't know.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32"OK. What a crazy time we're going to have."
0:15:32 > 0:15:34"How come it's only me today?"
0:15:34 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER
0:15:37 > 0:15:39"I am such a toool." Yeah.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Many of TOOOL's members are obviously lock-makers
0:15:42 > 0:15:43and locksmiths.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46There they are, tools of their trade. Wow.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48It's incredible how you can have such a specific skill in one area
0:15:48 > 0:15:51and be so bad with fonts.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Yes. Very true.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55It's non-overlapping magisteria.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59It is not an overlapping magisterian. Lock picking and fonts.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02There's probably a fonts organisation, as well. Yeah.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Let's be honest.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Who cannot get into their house. That's right.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Do you know about Alfred C Hobbs?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10He was a great American lockpicker and lockmaker.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13He came to Britain for the Great Exhibition
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Our great safemaker, lockmaker was...
0:16:16 > 0:16:19He was a nice stout-sounding name. Chubb. Chubb.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Chubb safes and Chubb locks and they had an amazing Chubb
0:16:23 > 0:16:26detector lock which was so subtle
0:16:26 > 0:16:29and clever in the mid-19th century that if it detected someone
0:16:29 > 0:16:32was trying to pick it, its tumblers would all fall down and even
0:16:32 > 0:16:33the key for it would no longer fit.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36You'd have to destroy it to open it. He picked that in seven minutes.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Wow. Astonishing everybody and horrifying Chubb, of course,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43because they had the Bank of England account, apart from anything else.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47The Bank of England then replaced its Chubb locks with Hobbs locks.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Good old American huckstering salesmanship and know-how.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53It was a highly successful visit for Mr Hobbs.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Yes, it was till he got locked in a toilet somewhere.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Who in poetic law laughs at locksmiths?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03The Queen.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07"Ha ha ha." No.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11The first Tuesday of every month.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12"The official laughing at locksmiths.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15"Locksmiths are lining up. She is now braying in their faces,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18"snorting derisively..." No.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21"You can't open it. Ha ha ha!"
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Audience, who laughs at locksmiths?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Love.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Love laughs at locksmiths.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Oh. You lock the girl up, you lock the boy up, or you put locked
0:17:29 > 0:17:33barriers between them and they'll always find a way through to each other. BILL: Aww.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Except they don't, do they? No.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37If you lock... They won't, will they?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40No. That's the trouble with poetry.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42It's bollocks. I hate it.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44They just need a good lock. It raises false hopes.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47All you need is your lock to be slightly smarter than the two
0:17:47 > 0:17:49people in love and really dumb people are in love,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51and there are really good locks. That's ridiculous!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53You're right, you're right.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Oh, well.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Speaking of keys, what's the key part of an arch?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02BILL PLAYS NOTES Yes, Bill?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Your light came on first. Was that you, sorry?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06That's the trouble with these things.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08You can't tell who it is.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Do that chord again and I'll know. We only know the same chord.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14We're both... We play in C. The keystone is the...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16KLAXON BLARES
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I'm Alan Davies.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:24 > 0:18:28It is commonplace to use the word keystone as being the thing
0:18:28 > 0:18:30that makes the arch work, but it isn't true.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32It's not the most important.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34All the arch stones, or "voussoirs" are equally important.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37But it is the last piece to go in and finishes rather
0:18:37 > 0:18:40beautifully the arrangement, as it were. Yes.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43In Roman times, they'd get the constructor of the arch to
0:18:43 > 0:18:46stand right under the arch when the
0:18:46 > 0:18:48support scaffolding was taken away,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51just to show that he had faith enough in his own...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Well, it's natural selection of arch builders, isn't it?
0:18:54 > 0:18:58"Is that guy any good?" Well, he's still here. Exactly.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01I like that idea of getting people to test things. It's like going to a
0:19:01 > 0:19:04barbecue and getting someone to try the sausage before you'll eat it.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Oh, don't. BILL: Oh, yeah.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08There are certain things that you can only test by using.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09So it's then useless.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13I mean, a ring-pull, essentially, you say, "I wonder if this ring-pull will work."
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Whoosh! "Oh, yes, it does. Good, now... Oh, you can't..."
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Same with air bags, I suppose and other such things.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22I've really tried to get the air bag to come out, but it's...
0:19:22 > 0:19:26No? No luck? No, if you drive, really whack the dashboard
0:19:26 > 0:19:29really hard with a mallet or something and...
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Well, you realise how much force it is by just trying to
0:19:32 > 0:19:35walk into a wall at two miles an hour and your body won't let you.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36It just won't.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38LAUGHTER
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Hands will go up. No, no, no. I've done that.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42By mistake when...
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I did that after a night on here.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Yes, when drunk or texting or something.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48But, I mean, if you actually consciously say,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50"I'm going to walk into this wall..."
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Only two miles an hour, not three miles an hour,
0:19:52 > 0:19:54and you just, pah, your hand goes up.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56You can't stop it. It's a reflex, it's so strong.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Is there a wall here? I'd like to see you not do that.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00LAUGHTER
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I've got this image of you not being able to walk at 2mph into a wall.
0:20:03 > 0:20:072mph, that's... What's a normal walking pace? 4mph?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10So that's half speed. Half normal walking speed.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12It's still enough to break your nose.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14It would break your nose.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19Is it the theory that, if you're walking at exactly 2mph, magic happens?
0:20:19 > 0:20:24You've got to get it exactly right. I mean, just kind of slowly walk into a wall.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Try it at home. LAUGHTER
0:20:26 > 0:20:29That's all I'm saying. Maybe it's just me being a coward.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31It will take more than an hour to go two miles
0:20:31 > 0:20:34if you keep walking into walls, wouldn't it? It's true.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37That's the interesting thing about that. That's true.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39So, the fact of the matter is that keystones are no more
0:20:39 > 0:20:41important than any of the other stones in an arch.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Why were the keys in a QWERTY keyboard arranged the way they are?
0:20:45 > 0:20:50Ah, now, this is that it makes it more difficult to type.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51LAUGHTER
0:20:51 > 0:20:53That's right. And they wanted to slow...
0:20:53 > 0:20:55KLAXON BLARES
0:20:55 > 0:20:58"They wanted to slow..." you were saying...
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Typists down. Typists down. No.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02What it is, is the ones that most commonly are done together
0:21:02 > 0:21:06in English were put furthest apart, so they were less likely to jam.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08So, in fact, it was in order to allow you to type
0:21:08 > 0:21:10more smoothly and speedily,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13so that you didn't get the jamming of the keys as they came up
0:21:13 > 0:21:15and hit each other. Oh, I see.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Of course, these days, we don't use mechanical typewriters in that
0:21:18 > 0:21:21way, with the keys flopping up. That's how I learnt to type.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Enormous typewriters. I was tiny.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28LAUGHTER
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I loved typewriters so much, I was obsessed with them.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Really? Absolutely adored them, yeah.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Stephen! Dinner's ready. Aaargh!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Do you know, it's true,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I once copied out a whole novel on the typewriter.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Did you? Just to practise.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Yeah, because I enjoyed the experience of typing so much.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Just to, yeah. While other people were getting on with their lives, you were doing that.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Yeah. What can I tell you? It's the sort of man you are.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55I'm sad. I'm so modest. What, what novel was it?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57It was Frozen Assets, by PG Wodehouse.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00It's not one of his best-known novels. BILL SNIGGERS
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Look, I'm sorry!
0:22:04 > 0:22:06It's amazing you've come so far, isn't it?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11What should I have been doing? Anything else!
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Listening to Flink Poyd or something?
0:22:13 > 0:22:19Yes. Clearly I was just lying somewhere wasting my life
0:22:19 > 0:22:24when I should have been copying out novels on some archaic old bit of kit.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27"Yes, what I like to do in my spare time,
0:22:27 > 0:22:35"I write out Proust, I use my nail and I chip it into an old flint."
0:22:35 > 0:22:38I can't help it. "No, get off, Nanny, I haven't finished yet."
0:22:38 > 0:22:41You're such a bully!
0:22:42 > 0:22:47You're mean. Sir, sir, Fry's copying out novels again.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Sir, he's chipping them, he's using a hammer and a chisel,
0:22:51 > 0:22:57he's chiselled out War And Peace on the South Downs.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01You really do live a different life to all the rest,
0:23:01 > 0:23:03you're not like us, are you?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06You're another, you're not a mortal. Clearly not.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08You're like sent from some other planet.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11You are, the planet Aesthete, that's what you are.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16I have cosmic clearance. Yes, you do. You know when it's all going to end.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18I always thought I was normal, and now I... No, you're not.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Oh, well, anyway... You're a freak.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26You can reprieve my fury at you by telling me
0:23:26 > 0:23:29a word that can be typed on the top line.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31It's quite pleasing.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Twiquminator...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Typewriter.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40Ah! It's nice, isn't it?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42It's just a coincidence, typewriter across the top?
0:23:42 > 0:23:48Yes, I believe so. There are a lot of people who believe... A lot of conspiracy theory.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53People who believe it was brought to us by falcons from the planet Bletch.
0:23:53 > 0:23:58Now, what starts with K and is killed by curiosity?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00A kitten.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05Oh! Oh, no. I'm sorry.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08It's an animal species, but not a cat.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10A lot of these begin with Ks... Kangaroo.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12No, but you're in the right hemisphere. Koala.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Again, right hemisphere, not the right country. Kiwi.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Sorry? Kiwi? Kiwi. You're the right type of animal.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Kora. A kea. Kea is the right answer. Very good.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23A kea is? A New Zealand parrot. A flightless bird.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26No, it's not flightless, oddly enough, it's a parrot.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28And there was a bounty put on them some years ago.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Kea, which as you can see, look quite ravenous,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33they look almost like eagles, but they are parrots,
0:24:33 > 0:24:37would ride the sheep, peck at them and eat the fat off the poor sheep.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40And so there was a bounty put on their heads
0:24:40 > 0:24:44and New Zealanders found keas were very curious animals.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48It's partly a result of having grown up in a country with no mammals
0:24:48 > 0:24:49for millions of years.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Anyway, what you do is, you stand behind a rock and wait for a kea
0:24:53 > 0:24:56to come along, and then you drop behind the rock and disappear.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59And the kea thinks, that's odd.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01And he wanders up and he takes a look over,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04and you just, with your club, just go bang, like that.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Then, that's the beauty of it, you've only just started,
0:25:07 > 0:25:11because you don't have to move, you take the kea and you put it down.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13The kea's friend goes, "Where's Kevin?"
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Where's Kevin! Wanders round, comes along like that.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Are they all called Kevin? Then you drop down and disappear, and he goes, "What happened there?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22"There was someone, then there wasn't. How does that happen?"
0:25:22 > 0:25:24And he looks over, bash, like that.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27"Where's Keith?" And so on, all the way through.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30All the Ks. You get a huge swag bag of kea.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33They're not the brightest of birds. They're not the brightest.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35But the point is, they never needed to be.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Because New Zealand, just apart from a few bats, never had any mammals...
0:25:39 > 0:25:41That's true. All they needed to do was mate and survive.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44The kakapo, for example, another type of parrot,
0:25:44 > 0:25:47the only thing likely to predate on it was a vast eagle
0:25:47 > 0:25:51that used to live in New Zealand called the Haast's eagle
0:25:51 > 0:25:54and so the kakapo solved that by becoming nocturnal like the kiwi.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56So it could be afraid of nothing.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01It developed this extraordinary mating ritual which is just beyond belief.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06It's called the bowl and track. It's the only example of this particular version.
0:26:06 > 0:26:13It would dig a bowl, a crater then a path towards it, the track that it would immaculately pick clean
0:26:13 > 0:26:16and then it would sit for months during the mating season.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18It has this huge booming sac.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23It sounds like a giant blowing across a beer bottle. Whoo noise.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26It would boom and boom and the females in the valley
0:26:26 > 0:26:29below would listen to the boom they most liked and waddle up.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32If by some terrible chance, a leaf had fallen on the track,
0:26:32 > 0:26:34the female would turn and walk away.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37The poor old male would have to pick it clean
0:26:37 > 0:26:38and go back to booming again.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Sometimes three years would pass, booming away,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43not getting his rocks off.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47The only evolutionary pressure on this bird is to get laid. That's it.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49There's nothing else.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53It's fat, stupid, nocturnal horny bird and he couldn't even get laid.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56That's like my life.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Kiwis aren't the most exciting birds, I have seen kiwis.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Have you burrowed into one of their dens? No, I haven't bothered to do that.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05I did. It's exciting.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08There's one on YouTube playing the piano.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Oh! No, no. Falling down an escalator.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I've seen them in special areas, you know.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I went out with this guide and he found one, and he said,
0:27:16 > 0:27:17"Get in there, get in there."
0:27:17 > 0:27:20And so I burrowed and burrowed and burrowed and burrowed.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23And you just see this little eye winking at you,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26and that long wonderful beak, and it just winked.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Aah. And I winked back and then sort of...
0:27:29 > 0:27:32With a little look that just says, "you just destroyed my house."
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Yeah. I was careful not to.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Aaah. Aah, lovely! It took three years to make this.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41The New Zealand government,
0:27:41 > 0:27:44they were given two pandas by the Chinese government in return for
0:27:44 > 0:27:48two kiwis, and I just thought it was a bit of a swiz, you know.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52It's like New Zealand, you know, the zoo in Auckland, all these
0:27:52 > 0:27:55people going, aah, look at them, look at the pandas, and aah!
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Some zoo in Beijing, people going, what?
0:27:57 > 0:28:02What are they? These kiwis don't even sneeze. They don't, nothing.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Very good, very good, very good.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Now, what is this woman doing, though?
0:28:07 > 0:28:12What the...? Is this Lady Gaga's new album cover, is it?
0:28:14 > 0:28:17She's wearing a... It's an experiment.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20No, she's using a device that's for sale, or was for sale,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22it was built in 1929.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25A new device. Knitting jumpers?
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Patented by Dr Kurt Johnen, it records the motions
0:28:28 > 0:28:29and bodily reactions.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32A lady is pictured being examined by the device.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36A pneumatic belt records the change of the circumference of her chest.
0:28:36 > 0:28:41Pneumatic cuffs above the upper arms control the changes of muscle tension.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Through a hose is recorded the rhythms of respiration,
0:28:44 > 0:28:47and another hose transfers the strength of touch.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49It's a sex toy. You would think, wouldn't you?
0:28:49 > 0:28:53But what about her hands? That's the clue, and our theme today?
0:28:53 > 0:28:54Piano, she's learning piano.
0:28:54 > 0:28:58Piano? A keyboard. Yes, it's a piano teaching machine.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Oh. Oh. Extraordinary, isn't it?
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Wow. It's supposed to help you with your piano playing.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Your posture, your breathing.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07There have been many others along those lines.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10There was the Chiroplast, which was clamped to the piano
0:29:10 > 0:29:13and trapped the player's arms, that's the one on the left,
0:29:13 > 0:29:16so you were forced to play using only your wrist and finger action.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18You were then crippled.
0:29:18 > 0:29:22The one in the middle was the Dactylion, from the Greek "dactyl", meaning finger.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25A contraption designed to strengthen the fingers, because
0:29:25 > 0:29:28they're springs that you're going against in that middle picture.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30And it's said that Robert Schumann used that
0:29:30 > 0:29:33and it actually hurt his fingers.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36Though others say that was syphilis.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39It's a fine line, isn't it? It is a fine line. Oh, always.
0:29:39 > 0:29:44When you're into fingering, syphilis is never far away.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47Next to that is the Chiro, or the Chirogymnaste,
0:29:47 > 0:29:48which is a tiny finger gym,
0:29:48 > 0:29:51which has got little finger events and you can see them.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53They still encourage you to do that.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57There's little spring-loaded strengthening things
0:29:57 > 0:30:01that I was given in the brief time I got someone to teach me the piano
0:30:01 > 0:30:03and they said "You should strengthen your fingers."
0:30:03 > 0:30:06I thought "I might as well be playing the piano."
0:30:06 > 0:30:11My old piano teacher, she would be much better than that cos she'd use a ruler
0:30:11 > 0:30:14and if you got it wrong, she'd whack you on the top of the...
0:30:14 > 0:30:18That is more of a powerful incentive than any of this...
0:30:18 > 0:30:21But if you do harm yourself by using one of these things,
0:30:21 > 0:30:24you can always use the bed piano, for bedridden people.
0:30:24 > 0:30:29Wow. Which is a rather splendid device. I think you'll agree.
0:30:29 > 0:30:30I hope that's securely attached.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36That is the laziest keyboard player in the world.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39And as you see, it rolls up, pushes away neatly.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42That's fantastic. It's great, isn't it? I want one.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45You can slide pizzas down from the back.
0:30:45 > 0:30:49Yes. Bill's sitting there going "I am going to get one of those."
0:30:49 > 0:30:52I will, I'm going to get one. Bill will have one of those.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54That's the piano for the bedroom. Ha-ha!
0:30:54 > 0:30:56The upside-down piano, virtual. That's magic.
0:30:56 > 0:31:01Be easier to strap yourself into bed and tilt the bed up to a normal piano. Yeah.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03How would a left-handed piano work?
0:31:03 > 0:31:05It would be high notes at the left.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08There it is. And there it is. That is a left-handed piano. Wow.
0:31:08 > 0:31:12It would take a hell of a lot of unlearning for you to play on that, wouldn't it? Good God!
0:31:12 > 0:31:15Can you imagine? It would drive you mad. It would.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17Transposing pianos, have you ever played with one of those?
0:31:17 > 0:31:20Well, there's a device on the keyboard that will do that for you.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23On an electric keyboard. On an electric one.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26There are pianos with a mechanism that can... It's a lever on it.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28It moves it across to the next string. Oh, right.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31Irving Berlin used one, because he only composed in F sharp.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35He's like Stevie Wonder, who likes the black notes. He couldn't read music,
0:31:35 > 0:31:37but was the most successful songwriter of his age.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40Really? Yeah. He couldn't read music, he was fantastically talented,
0:31:40 > 0:31:44He wrote White Christmas, let alone Top Hat, White Tie.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47He lived long enough to be able to see his own songs go
0:31:47 > 0:31:50out of copyright, because his first hit was in 1911,
0:31:50 > 0:31:51with Alexander's Ragtime Band.
0:31:51 > 0:31:55You know, "Come on and hear, come on and hear Alexander's Ragtime Band."
0:31:55 > 0:31:57They only go out of copyright after you're dead.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00No, they do now, but in his day, it was 75 years after it was written.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Right. So he lived long enough to see some of his songs
0:32:03 > 0:32:05go into the public domain. Now it's 70 years after you've died.
0:32:05 > 0:32:09How old was he when he wrote it? Early twenties. But had this extraordinary talent. Amazing.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12There's a long list of things I have to get after this show.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16There's the upside-down piano, the upside-down dinner, I mean, everything, yeah.
0:32:16 > 0:32:20It's funny you should say a list of things cos that brings me to Franz Liszt.
0:32:20 > 0:32:24Ho ho! # Accidental segue! #
0:32:24 > 0:32:29How did he change the piano? Did he have huge hands, Liszt?
0:32:29 > 0:32:32He did. He could expand them, long, long span.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35There were pianos made specifically for him.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37Well, yes, then they became the standard type.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41He gave it so much bloody welly that they made it out of an iron frame.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44Before that, they'd been a wooden frame.
0:32:44 > 0:32:46In Jane Campion's film The Piano,
0:32:46 > 0:32:50when the piano is thrown out to sea, it should have floated.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52instead of sinking because the film's set in 1850.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55It would have been a pre-Lisztian piano.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57Did that ruin it for you?
0:32:59 > 0:33:02You won't be copying that film out. What's this rubbish?!
0:33:02 > 0:33:05Plainly not possible!
0:33:05 > 0:33:10Right, so... Good.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14So, what did the man who knew everything think cats were good for?
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Well...
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Catching mice.
0:33:18 > 0:33:22Catching mice. Isn't the man who knew everything Thomas Young?
0:33:22 > 0:33:24Well, there's various people who were given
0:33:24 > 0:33:27the title of the last man to know everything there was to know.
0:33:27 > 0:33:31Erasmus, Leibnitz, Von Humboldt, and this man here, Kircher, his name is.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34He was a German Jesuit, Athanasius Kircher.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37And he certainly was very interested in lots of things.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40He was lowered into Vesuvius. He believed the bubonic plague
0:33:40 > 0:33:43was caused by microbes, well ahead of germ theory.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46Claimed falsely to have interpreted Egyptian hieroglyphics.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48He regarded things like magnetism
0:33:48 > 0:33:51and love as branches of the same topic, attraction,
0:33:51 > 0:33:55which is a very QI way of looking at things, I like that. Yeah.
0:33:55 > 0:33:56But what are the cats doing?
0:33:56 > 0:33:59Well, we'll come to that. Some things he got right.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01He denied the possibility of flying tortoises.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04I don't know who'd raised the possibility,
0:34:04 > 0:34:06but he damn well squashed it and said, no,
0:34:06 > 0:34:09there won't be such a thing as a flying tortoise.
0:34:09 > 0:34:14Rubbish. But he did invent the megaphone, and the Katzenklavier.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17Klavier is in fact German for key, from clavis, Latin, key,
0:34:17 > 0:34:22but it's a keyboard instrument. The cat playing the piano. He invented You Tube.
0:34:22 > 0:34:27I'm afraid, for cat-lovers, it's a bit more disturbing than that.
0:34:27 > 0:34:28Oh, cat string, gut string.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31No, not cat gut, no, arrange live cats in the right order,
0:34:31 > 0:34:34according to their voice. Oh. And you play... Drums.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36And there you go. Oh, brilliant.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39That's awesome!
0:34:40 > 0:34:43Oh, if only they had YouTube back then.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45The outrage on the comments page.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47It's another thing for your list, isn't it.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50It's on the list. Yes, right up there.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52You've got to get one of those.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54Their tails are fixed in place underneath hammers.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57When a key is pressed, the hammer hits the corresponding...
0:34:57 > 0:34:59you can even get chords and of course there's dynamics.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01The harder you hit, it the more of a yowl.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04It wouldn't necessarily have to be cruel.
0:35:04 > 0:35:05You could get the same mechanism,
0:35:05 > 0:35:08but just have it sort of tickle the bollocks of a cat.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10So it's more like...YAAH! As opposed to...YEAGHH!
0:35:10 > 0:35:12For a trill. Yeah.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16MIMICS CATS PLAYING "HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY IN THE WINDOW?"
0:35:16 > 0:35:19What do they think, that you have an A cat and a B cat?
0:35:19 > 0:35:22Yeah. And a C cat? I guess you just go round.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25But there are only six cats and there are more than six keys, so...
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Well, that's true, that's a limited range, it's very...
0:35:28 > 0:35:30Experimental music. Experimental music.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33All the other keys hit mice inside the box.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36It's doubtful he actually built it,
0:35:36 > 0:35:38but he certainly wrote out the plans for one.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41There are reports for comparable devices for Philip II of Spain
0:35:41 > 0:35:44which had the additional layer of hilarity by being played by a bear(!)
0:35:44 > 0:35:46There are comparable records of pig organs,
0:35:46 > 0:35:51that Louis XI of France, had one made by the Abbot of Baigne.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54There you are, getting ascending order of pig, pig, pig.
0:35:54 > 0:35:55That's fantastic.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58I like the woman singing along with them as well.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01You think she's playing the pigs, but the pigs are playing her.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05And as late as the mid-19th century,
0:36:05 > 0:36:08there was some instruments known variously as the Pig Organ,
0:36:08 > 0:36:12the Hog Harmonium, Pigano, the Porkoforte,
0:36:12 > 0:36:15or worst of all, the Swineway Grand.
0:36:17 > 0:36:18So there you are, yes,
0:36:18 > 0:36:20several people have tried to make musical instruments
0:36:20 > 0:36:22out of live animals,
0:36:22 > 0:36:24although it doesn't really work very well in practice.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26And now for the welcome return of a keynote of QI,
0:36:26 > 0:36:29a bit of General Ignorance very quickly. Fingers on keypads.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33Nicely flexed and name something written by Winston Churchill?
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Who was that? Yes?
0:36:35 > 0:36:37The Second World War. Oh!
0:36:39 > 0:36:40Have another go.
0:36:42 > 0:36:43He won the Nobel Prize, didn't he?
0:36:43 > 0:36:45He won the Nobel Prize for Literature. Yes, he did.
0:36:45 > 0:36:46He wrote so much.
0:36:46 > 0:36:50Our Prime Minister won the Nobel Prize for Literature, no question.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53Can you out of interest name the only person to have won the Nobel Prize and an Oscar?
0:36:53 > 0:36:56People wrongly say Al Gore because there was an Oscar given
0:36:56 > 0:36:58to An Inconvenient Truth and he was given a Nobel Peace Prize,
0:36:58 > 0:37:01but he didn't win the Oscar personally.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04Any offers, punters? Sean Connery.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07Shaw is the answer. George Bernard Shaw.
0:37:07 > 0:37:12George Bernard Shaw came through the door.
0:37:12 > 0:37:17He had a ladies' public conveniences built.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20Yeah, he was very interested in stuff like that.
0:37:20 > 0:37:21People said it was outrageous and disgusting
0:37:21 > 0:37:24that there should be a public convenience for women. How appalling?
0:37:24 > 0:37:28And he said, "No, I think women need to go too."
0:37:28 > 0:37:32The first ladies' loos in London.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35Winston Churchill did not write under the name Winston Churchill.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Our Prime Minister didn't. Oh, that's right.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40What did he write under the name of? Anne Bronte.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45The Gathering Storm, by Anne Bronte.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47Daphne du Maurier.
0:37:47 > 0:37:48My early years.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50Katie Price.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55No, what's his full name? Do you remember his full...?
0:37:55 > 0:37:57Spencer. William Leonard Spencer Churchill.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00Oh, Leonard. So he wrote under the name of Winston S Churchill.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02Because when he started writing,
0:38:02 > 0:38:05there was a very successful American novelist called Winston Churchill.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07And so out of politeness to him
0:38:07 > 0:38:09he wrote to him this very complicated letter,
0:38:09 > 0:38:10which was sort of jokey, I think, he says -
0:38:10 > 0:38:14"Winston Churchill has no doubt that Mr Winston Churchill will recognise from this letter,
0:38:14 > 0:38:16"if indeed by no other means,
0:38:16 > 0:38:20"that there is grave danger of his works being mistaken for those of Mr Winston Churchill.
0:38:20 > 0:38:24"He feels sure that Mr Winston Churchill desires this as little as he does himself.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26"In future to avoid mistakes as far as possible,
0:38:26 > 0:38:30"Mr Winston Churchill has decided to sign all published articles, stories or other works,
0:38:30 > 0:38:33"Winston Spencer Churchill and not Winston Churchill as formerly.
0:38:33 > 0:38:37"He trusts that this arrangement will commend itself to Mr Winston Churchill."
0:38:37 > 0:38:38And Winston Churchill replied,
0:38:38 > 0:38:41"Mr Winston Churchill appreciates the courtesy of Mr Winston Churchill
0:38:41 > 0:38:45"in adopting the name of Winston Spencer Churchill in his books, articles, etc.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48"Mr Winston Churchill makes haste to add that had he possessed any other names,
0:38:48 > 0:38:50"he would certainly have adopted one of them."
0:38:50 > 0:38:53There you go. So how polite. That's so lovely.
0:38:53 > 0:38:55I like the fact they refer to themselves in the third person.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57Mr Churchill all the time, I know.
0:38:57 > 0:39:01Clement Freud had a very good story he used to tell about when he was an MP.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04He went to China on a fact-finding visit with other
0:39:04 > 0:39:07parliamentarians including Winston Churchill Jr,
0:39:07 > 0:39:09i.e. the grandson of Winston Spencer Churchill
0:39:09 > 0:39:12who was a Tory MP.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14One day Winston Churchill invited him
0:39:14 > 0:39:16back to his room at the hotel for a nightcap.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19Freud saw that his room was so much better than his.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22So the next day, Freud said to the guide, "I'm not complaining.
0:39:22 > 0:39:26"I just wondered why Mr Churchill's room is so much bigger than mine."
0:39:26 > 0:39:30And the Chinese person said, "Because he has famous grandfather."
0:39:30 > 0:39:35Clement Freud said "It's the only time I've even been out-grandfathered."
0:39:36 > 0:39:40You'd think if your grandfather was Sigmund Freud, you were safe.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42No-one could out-grandfather you.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44You'd have the executive suite.
0:39:44 > 0:39:48You should have seen Steve Hitler's room. It's enormous.
0:39:51 > 0:39:55Now, what truly grim reading matter was banned in Germany after the War?
0:39:57 > 0:40:00Romantic comedies? Mills and Boon?
0:40:00 > 0:40:02"Say what you hear. The clue is in the question."
0:40:02 > 0:40:05What was the question again? Say the question again.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07What truly grim reading matter was...?
0:40:07 > 0:40:08The Brothers Grimm.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10Brothers Grimm. Oh, right.
0:40:10 > 0:40:14Because people believed that real savagery of the Grimm fairy tales
0:40:14 > 0:40:18had contributed to something that had turned the German people nasty,
0:40:18 > 0:40:20the perceived barbarity of the people.
0:40:20 > 0:40:24The argument they'd fostered obedience, discipline,
0:40:24 > 0:40:28authoritarianism, nationalism, glorification of violence,
0:40:28 > 0:40:31all that kind of thing, became part of the national character.
0:40:31 > 0:40:32According to a British Major, TJ Leonard,
0:40:32 > 0:40:35he said the fairytales had helped teach German children
0:40:35 > 0:40:38"all the varieties of barbarousness."
0:40:38 > 0:40:40Including light flannelling.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45And it made them easy to fit the role of hangman,
0:40:45 > 0:40:46and so on and so forth.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48One of the stories was called
0:40:48 > 0:40:51How Children Played Butcher With Each Other,
0:40:51 > 0:40:52which was really savage.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55That was removed from the second edition.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58And in the Frog King, the frog is not kissed by the princess,
0:40:58 > 0:41:02he's hurled against a wall with all the strength she has,
0:41:02 > 0:41:05to turn him into a prince. A rather battered, bruised prince.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07That'll do it. Yeah. At two miles an hour.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09Two miles an hour, against a...
0:41:10 > 0:41:12And he goes like that... Argh!
0:41:13 > 0:41:14It was all he could do.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16He's got little froggy arms. Yeah.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20On the other hand, there is a lyrical quality.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23The last in the collection, you'll love this story.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25There's a little poor boy goes out into a wintry forest
0:41:25 > 0:41:27to collect wood on a sled.
0:41:28 > 0:41:33In the snow he finds a tiny key and next to it, an iron box.
0:41:34 > 0:41:39The boy inserts the key, he turns it, he lifts the lid.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42SUSPENSEFUL TUNE PLAYS
0:41:46 > 0:41:49He lifts the lid...
0:41:49 > 0:41:52TUNE CONTINUES
0:41:55 > 0:41:57End of story.
0:41:57 > 0:41:59Oh, really?
0:41:59 > 0:42:00That's Pulp Fiction.
0:42:00 > 0:42:02Exactly, it's the suitcase in Pulp Fiction,
0:42:02 > 0:42:03exactly what I thought of it.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06The rest is up to your imagination, boys and girls.
0:42:06 > 0:42:08What do you think was in that box? A frog. Porn.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11I think it was a stash of porn. Yeah. A flannel.
0:42:12 > 0:42:14That's why I used to go into the woods.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20Well, we've ended on a sour, bitter and very rude note.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22Which is the way we like to end on QI.
0:42:22 > 0:42:23Once again. Yes, hurrah.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25Which brings us to the scores. And let's have a look.
0:42:25 > 0:42:29My word, my goodness, my gracious, my goodness and my everything,
0:42:29 > 0:42:32in first place, with plus three, is Bill Bailey!
0:42:34 > 0:42:37Wow. I've never won!
0:42:37 > 0:42:39How did you end up with plus three?
0:42:40 > 0:42:43Second place for a first timer, with minus eight, it's Isy.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45Oh, well done.
0:42:49 > 0:42:52Third place, on his first appearance, is really not bad,
0:42:52 > 0:42:53it's Tim Minchin.
0:42:56 > 0:43:00And yes, in fourth place is Alan Davies!
0:43:08 > 0:43:10So that's it from Isy, Tim, Bill, Alan and me.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12And good night.
0:43:34 > 0:43:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd