0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Gooooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:33 > 0:00:35and welcome to QI,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38where tonight we're on the move with K for Kinetic.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Let's meet motor-mouth Danny Baker.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Thank you. Good evening. Thank you.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Speed-freak Marcus Brigstocke.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Go-go girl Jo Brand.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Go-go girl?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00And poetry in motion - Alan Davies.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Thank you. That's nice.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09And let's hear your beats, bruvs.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Danny goes...
0:01:10 > 0:01:12# I like to move it, move it... #
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Yeah. It's too loud for me today.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Marcus goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:19# I've got the moves like Jagger... #
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Jo goes...
0:01:22 > 0:01:25# Moving on up Nothing can stop me... #
0:01:25 > 0:01:27And Alan goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:31# Saturday night at the movies Who cares what picture you see... #
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Movies.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Kinema was originally what cinema was called.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40From the same word as kinetic - it was kinematic moving,
0:01:40 > 0:01:41i.e. moving pictures.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Well, "kinetic" of course means anything to do with movement,
0:01:44 > 0:01:48so, for heaven's sake, let's get moving. Where will this get me?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I'm going to find my broom here.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54If I were to move my hands together like this, what would happen?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Whether I did this one a bit more than that one,
0:01:56 > 0:01:57or that one a bit more than that one.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00What would happen, at the end, when my hands met?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- The heavy end would fall down. - No.- Shut up!
0:02:02 > 0:02:04When you do this,
0:02:04 > 0:02:08you will always find it meets at the centre of gravity. Always.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Because the resistance from the heavy end slows...
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Yeah, exactly, so as long as
0:02:12 > 0:02:15you're just sort of doing it without thinking, you know,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17it just meets up like that, and it balances.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19It doesn't actually look a very natural implement
0:02:19 > 0:02:21in your hand, Stephen.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24But you've got one. Maybe it'll look more natural in yours.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Yeah, I am a drudge.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29You can ride it home tonight.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- Here we go. - You've all got one, so try it.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- Obviously...- His fell apart! - ..everybody except Alan.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Now try properly.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Obviously the left hand won't move as far as the right one.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Is it working for you, Marcus? Please, God!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Jo isn't even trying.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53No, well, I can tell you, there are women all over the country going,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56"Look at the silly bastards. We've got to clean the floor with it."
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- Oh, man, this is... - I've been trying this all afternoon
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- and I can't make it do anything else.- No!
0:03:02 > 0:03:05It's like it's got the Uri Geller touch about it, it's just...
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Ohhh, cool.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09That is bizarre.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Ah. - Well, that's really disappointing.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- This one's Kate Moss.- Yeah, baby.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I'm completely astounded.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18We're all very disappointed.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Every single person who's tried this...
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Is there any money in doing it wrong?
0:03:22 > 0:03:26LAUGHTER
0:03:26 > 0:03:28APPLAUSE
0:03:28 > 0:03:31It's just like, I'm not doing it on purpose, I promise I'm not...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- Close your eyes.- Look at that!
0:03:33 > 0:03:37There, that's good. You've found the centre of gravity perfectly there.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40The thing is, you're tilting it, Danny.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42You've got to keep it straight.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44No. I promise you, I'm trying to tilt it. It's not...
0:03:44 > 0:03:49No, you're tilting it. That's working perfectly.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Well...
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Physical comedy so early in the show.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I know. You can't beat it.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- Last time, last time, last time. Last time. It's level, yes?- Yeah.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Level. It's going, I can feel it's going... Aah.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Hooray!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Phew!
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- Human error.- And this - now, that's interesting.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Why do you think you can balance it with the centre of gravity so high?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- Because we know where the centre of gravity is.- Because I am a genius!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- LAUGHTER - That's right.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23But if you try and do that from the bottom end,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25but not grasping the brushes,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27literally just balancing it on your palm,
0:04:27 > 0:04:31- it'll just fall over. Not... You mustn't grasp it.- Like that.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- Hello. That's really good, actually. - Yes.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39I'm just going to rip...
0:04:39 > 0:04:43I think the show's broom techy might need a word after the programme.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46APPLAUSE
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- Well, thank you very much, my science elves...- Exactly.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55..for all your moments of inertia and your centres of mass.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59I like this. This game's brilliant, because you don't need to be clever.
0:04:59 > 0:05:05No, exactly. You just need to know a variety of broom-related tricks.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Well, the centre of gravity is the issue there, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Discovered by Archimedes, supposedly.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Could anyone hear him speak, Archimedes? Was it just a...?
0:05:13 > 0:05:14HE MAKES SQUEAKING NOISE
0:05:14 > 0:05:18It did sound as if it was coming through dense undergrowth.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21There's a man in the bushes. "No, it's me, it's me."
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Behind you, there's a man in the bush.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27"No, I'm telling you, it's me speaking."
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Anyway, listen, the idea is that you will always find
0:05:30 > 0:05:34the centre of gravity of a broom, as you zoom your hands together.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Try it at home. Jesus, God!
0:05:37 > 0:05:42Here is a tricky bit of maths for you on a centre-of-gravity-related theme.
0:05:42 > 0:05:48I am 6 ft 4½ ins tall, and weigh a little over...
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Oh, Christ.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54I thought I had every copy of that.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Attack of the 50-foot Stephen.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Anyway, yes. Nice.
0:05:59 > 0:06:04I am 6 ft 4½ ins tall and I weigh a little bit over 14st.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Between 14st and something more than 14st.
0:06:07 > 0:06:13So, how much would I weigh if I was 44,000 miles tall?
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- Keeping the same ratios and proportions?- Yep, yep. How much would I weigh?
0:06:18 > 0:06:23Well, there would come a point where the top part
0:06:23 > 0:06:28of your extraordinary body would no longer be affected by earth's gravity,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31so you'd weigh a bit less than one might expect,
0:06:31 > 0:06:33but still a fair amount, I would think.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35No, I'd actually be weightless,
0:06:35 > 0:06:39- cos my centre of gravity would be outside...- Beyond the halfway point.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- Yes, would be in orbit. - How long would your penis be?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- It would depend...- Strikingly.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Grand Canyon would have to worry.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54It would be like the Isle of Skye, wouldn't it?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57You could change the tides.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00If you were weightless, but lying across the top,
0:07:00 > 0:07:04then the penis could be affected by gravity whilst you weren't.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08We've just done the calculations,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11and my penis would be 3,384 miles long.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14APPLAUSE
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I thank you.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Which means if we do the division again we can figure out REALLY how big it is.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22JO: Also, it would...
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Too much information, I think.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27It would be poking out of your dress, as well.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- You'd have to have a ball gown. - Literally.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37There was... I think we've talked about this before, Alan.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40There was a proposal made in the 19th century to build a tower
0:07:40 > 0:07:43that went out into space as a way of getting out there.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Which seems ridiculous, but it would use the same principle.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50If it was anchored to the ground and then went up high enough,
0:07:50 > 0:07:54its centre of gravity would be in orbit and so it would be weightless.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55But absolutely rigid and stable.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Here is the thing, while we are in space.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00This made me space out about a year ago
0:08:00 > 0:08:05when I realised that nobody knows which way this planet is up.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09That's right. You can buy in Australia globes with Australia on the top.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Yeah. Because we don't know up and down.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15If a UFO approaches, there is no particular reason it should approach with the North Pole at the top.
0:08:15 > 0:08:20I think, though, if they came all this way they'd be fairly unlikely to go to Australia.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- This programme has been raised in Australian Parliament.- Yeah?!
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Yeah. Someone said,
0:08:31 > 0:08:38- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- "Why is the Australian taxpayer not paying for home-made Australian entertainment
0:08:38 > 0:08:41"but playing for wall-to-wall bloody Stephen bloody Fry?
0:08:43 > 0:08:48"It's QI, QI, QI. All the bloody time!"
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I apologise. You don't have to watch us.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- No, we love it that we are so popular in Australia, don't we?- Yes.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Yeah, exactly. Very nice.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02I was talking to an astronaut, believe it or not, about two months ago.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05A British astronaut. He's been up three times into the station.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08A very expensive phone call, that one.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Mike Foale, is it?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- Yeah. And I mean, just... - Wonderful guy.- Yeah, what a life.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15And he's been up three times. And he said the most important thing is...
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Cos they're doing repairs on the outside of the craft,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21and they have to keep listening just for one message.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25There's no talking backwards and forwards because they have to say, "Gentlemen, two minutes to sun up."
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Because there's about eight different sun-ups as they go round,
0:09:28 > 0:09:30and he said it's like a nuclear explosion.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33He said it's the one thing you have to remember. Visors down, every time.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- There's nothing to filter it? Yeah. - There's nothing. It would come straight at you.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40And also, the spacesuit, while we're here.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42I couldn't help but ask dumb questions.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Are they off-the-peg? Cos they all look the same.
0:09:45 > 0:09:51- He said no. He said the suit itself costs £35 million.- What?!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Each one is tailored...
0:09:53 > 0:09:56I know a chap on Jermyn Street that'll do it...
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Or, you know, you can get them in TK Maxx.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03And he said, "No, you don't go and pick them up.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05"You are measured for it about two years beforehand."
0:10:05 > 0:10:10They'd be quite cross if he suddenly stacked a load of weight on just before...
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- I don't know how that would work. - "We've made it."
0:10:13 > 0:10:16"Sorry, I've been to a wedding. Had a hell of a weekend."
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Good, good nuggets of fact, there. Thank you, Danny.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25Now, what's the most interesting thing you can do with a hole, a stick, and a Greek?
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Yes?
0:10:29 > 0:10:34There's quite a few Greek men I'd like to put in a hole and hit with a stick.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- From holidays.- Oh, I see. Do you know the one in the middle?
0:10:38 > 0:10:44- Do you know who that is?- That Greek man? I didn't go out with a boy.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49- As you can tell by the photograph, he is now actually a man.- Zorba. - Right. Prince Philip.
0:10:49 > 0:10:55- It is Prince Philip. Well done.- Of course it is!- You're so surprised when you get something right!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Phil the Greek. - Phil the Greek, exactly.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Where's his arms gone?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Arms were added later...
0:11:04 > 0:11:07..when he became the Duke of Edinburgh.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Alan, they put on a royal coat of arms.- Ah!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Thank you.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17He's... He's nine years old there.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21- He's going, "I hate this headscarf. I hate it."- They certainly go for national costume.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24There's a hole, in case you want to know what one looks like.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27And there's a stick, in case you want to know what one looks like.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30There was a Greek who did something pretty amazing just with a hole and a stick.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Can you think of anything you might do?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Was it hide their sovereign debt?
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- There is no hole big enough. - A very old Greek?- Pretty old.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Eratosthenes, his name was.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Did he drop a stick down a hole?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46He looked down a hole at a particular time of year.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50- Was it at Christmas?- Exact opposite. Christmas is the winter solstice.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51- Right.- Summer solstice.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53If you looked at the bottom of the well at exactly noon
0:11:53 > 0:11:58- on the solstice, he saw no shadows whatsoever.- Ah! There you go!
0:11:58 > 0:12:01And he worked out with extraordinary cunning,
0:12:01 > 0:12:06he knew the distance from there to another place 500 miles away.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09At exactly the same time he put a stick in the ground
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- and the sun was at an angle... - Gotcha.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16..of 7.2 degrees from overhead.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19So he worked out from this information that
0:12:19 > 0:12:22the Earth's circumference had to be 25,000 miles.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26He worked it out using a stick in the ground.
0:12:26 > 0:12:31In fact, we now know the actual figure to be 24,859.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- That's how close he was.- Idiot(!) - I know.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37And so his margin of error was less than 1%.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- With no technology other than a stick.- Wow.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41I think that is pretty astonishing.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Eratosthenes was the librarian of the great library of Alexandria,
0:12:44 > 0:12:48which is considered the greatest repository of knowledge in the ancient world.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51And he was a musician, an astronomer, a poet.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54He invented the term "geography". Mathematician, obviously.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55He was known as Beta
0:12:55 > 0:12:58because he was the second best at every discipline in the world
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- that was known at the time. Which is pretty astonishing.- That is.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06He was a great man. And his dates were around about 200ish BC.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Anyway, that was the great Eratosthenes,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10who measured the Earth with a stick.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14What would happen if the Earth suddenly stopped spinning?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- We'd all fly off it.- Oh! ALARM BLARES
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Marcus-y, Marcus-y, Marcus-y, Marcus.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Wouldn't we all fall off, then? - We wouldn't fall off, no. No.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- Oh, there would be numerous consequences, Stephen.- There would.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- Name a consequence? - Well, half of the world would be plunged into eternal darkness...
0:13:32 > 0:13:36- That's a very good point. - ..and they would all leave and come and join the light side.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- Or would some of them go to the dark side?- Ah.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42It would change the very nature of human life on the planet,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45from the dark to the light people. What about the animals?
0:13:45 > 0:13:49All the ones who like the dark, they'd have to get to the dark side.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50All the moths would have to go...
0:13:50 > 0:13:52All the moths would have to go that way.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54The butterflies would have to go that way.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56The moles would be really confused.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59What about on Daybreak, when they start broadcasting?
0:13:59 > 0:14:04- That would be confusing.- How do they know when to start Daybreak if they're on the light side?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06The weather would be substantially changed.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I imagine it'd be enormously changed.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Would there be big floods? - The seas would come to...
0:14:11 > 0:14:15- Tsunamis, earthquakes.- Famine, pestilence.- Pestilence, exactly.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Moans will be heard over the face of the deep.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21And your mobile wouldn't work.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24You'd only be able to grow food on half of the world.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27The other half would have to come to the light side for food.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- They could have mushrooms and rhubarb.- They would only be able to have fungi.
0:14:30 > 0:14:35I'd live on that side. And what time would the four horsemen of the apocalypse turn up?
0:14:35 > 0:14:36At the sound of the last trumpet.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Do you think they'd book an appointment, the four horsemen?
0:14:39 > 0:14:44"Yeah, we will be round, you'll have to be in between eight and seven.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45"He's at the lights."
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Well, the point is, the Earth spins at about 1,000 miles an hour,
0:14:50 > 0:14:51at the equator.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53It's slower at the poles.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55I remember my father explained to me how
0:14:55 > 0:14:57the edges of a record were going faster than the bits in the middle.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I said, "That's not possible - how can that be?"
0:14:59 > 0:15:01And he said, "Well, how can it not be?"
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Yeah, like when you slam a door. The end bit is going very, very fast,
0:15:04 > 0:15:08the other bit that traps your finger on the inside...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Yeah, it's going very, very slowly. Absolutely right.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- Get two children, put one there... - Less distance in the same time.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17- If it stopped, would you fall over? - You'd certainly fall over.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21The point is, the Earth spins at about 1,000 miles an hour at the equator.
0:15:21 > 0:15:26It would have to be almost 17 times more than that to defeat the effect of gravity.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29We would just scrape along the ground at 1,000 miles an hour,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32and we'd, you know... Good to have shares in Savlon,
0:15:32 > 0:15:34because we'd have any number of bruises.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39If I scraped along the ground at 1,000 miles an hour, I'd kill a load of old ladies.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41It wouldn't be pleasant. What we couldn't do
0:15:41 > 0:15:43is have enough force to go out of the atmosphere.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45If it slowed down over a number of years, we might not notice.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48There is that. That would be very interesting.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I started writing a book about exactly this. And then...
0:15:51 > 0:15:55- Yeah, and then...- Was it called The Decade The Earth Stood Still?
0:15:55 > 0:16:00It was called The 25th Hour, and I was really thrilled with it as an idea.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04It was just the idea that some comet went past, the science was very fudged,
0:16:04 > 0:16:06and it slowed the rotation of the Earth so we ended up with 25 hours.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09And to begin with, everyone knew what to do with their extra time,
0:16:09 > 0:16:13and then the banks got hold of it and they went, "No, we'll just make everyone work."
0:16:13 > 0:16:16But it turned out time available was sitting perfectly balanced
0:16:16 > 0:16:20against greed, and when you increased one, it all collapsed.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Anyway. The same thing got published by someone else for a record fee
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- in the same month I came up with it.- How annoying!
0:16:27 > 0:16:31At least, that's what my publisher told me. Very trustworthy chap.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35There we are. The fact is, you wouldn't fly off, although it's a compelling image.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39You'd just scrape along the ground and probably bump into things.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Now, what travels the wrong way along a motorway
0:16:42 > 0:16:44at 12mph?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- # Moving... #- Yes, baby?
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Is it an elderly man in a Morris Minor?
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- No, it's one of those motorised wheelchairs, normally.- Oh!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57KLAXON
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- Oh, no, I got half of that.- No, you were both going for the same thing.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Well, no, this is an effect we might all have experienced on motorways,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07and a deeply unpleasant one, and yet a perplexing one.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09There was a wonderful New Yorker cartoon,
0:17:09 > 0:17:11which showed a huge traffic jam
0:17:11 > 0:17:13and a man looking in a puzzled way at a sign that said,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16"Traffic jam clears inexplicably three miles ahead."
0:17:16 > 0:17:18And that's the phenomenon we're looking at if you drive -
0:17:18 > 0:17:21you know that sometimes you can be in this terrible traffic jam
0:17:21 > 0:17:22and then it will magically clear.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25There are no cones, no police, there's never...
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Not been anything wrong. And you think, "What was that about?"
0:17:28 > 0:17:30And there's a science which is like fluid dynamics,
0:17:30 > 0:17:34but they use things called "kinematic wave equations".
0:17:34 > 0:17:36And what happens is, a car will suddenly brake
0:17:36 > 0:17:38and the car behind it will brake,
0:17:38 > 0:17:40and the car behind it will brake, and so on and so on,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43and it sends a ripple effect back through the traffic.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45And the one ahead can start off again quite cheerfully,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48saying, "Oh, it was only a pigeon diving at my windscreen."
0:17:48 > 0:17:50But the other ones are still slowing down.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52And they continue to, going backwards.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54There you see them backing up.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57And they continue to back up for quite long distances,
0:17:57 > 0:17:58while the ones ahead are free.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01But they've discovered that pulse backwards, of braking,
0:18:01 > 0:18:04travels on average about 12mph and can cause big jams.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Presumably you get the same effect
0:18:06 > 0:18:09when there's a police car in the slow lane doing 68 as well.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Oh, yes, that's so annoying, you inch past it.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Everyone, doing 68, yeah.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- If I just... I bet police love that. - Do you ever give them the look...?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18They're going, "Oh, look, he's going 71. Shall we? Shall we?"
0:18:18 > 0:18:22But of course we know nothing of traffic jams in this country.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Which country is the absolute heroic epicentre of the traffic jams,
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- of all traffic jams? - I would think India.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33No, it's China. China has epic - I mean epic - traffic jams.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37They had one in 2010 that was over 80 miles long
0:18:37 > 0:18:42and it moved on average less than a kilometre a day.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I'm not kidding you - that's how bad it was.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47And they're so bad regularly,
0:18:47 > 0:18:50that they now have quite profitable services
0:18:50 > 0:18:51where you call up this service
0:18:51 > 0:18:54and they arrive on a motorbike, two people on a motorbike.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56One gets in and takes your place in the traffic jam,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59and you get on the back and the other one drives you through the traffic.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Do people bring you things?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- Like, will you get a phone-a-pizza and that kind of thing?- Probably.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07They're an enterprising people, the Chinese, I should imagine so.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11But it would be very difficult. I suppose if you bought the pizza on a motorbike, you'd be all right.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14But it'd be quite frustrating to order the pizza, you know,
0:19:14 > 0:19:18"We're at the lights, so we're four days away."
0:19:19 > 0:19:23I was quite impressed. I went to Las Vegas last year
0:19:23 > 0:19:26and they have those billboard trucks
0:19:26 > 0:19:31that say they can deliver a hooker to your room in 25 minutes,
0:19:31 > 0:19:34but the pizza still takes half an hour.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38So what I worked out is that you could,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42if you had the resources, get the hooker to pick up the pizza for you.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43APPLAUSE
0:19:43 > 0:19:47That's absolutely brilliant.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Oh, wonderful. Wonderful.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54- You still have to pay for extra toppings.- I was going to say.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Oh, heavens above. There are all kinds of... Yes. Very fine.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59They're called phantom traffic jams,
0:19:59 > 0:20:03when they are waves that flow backwards at 12mph.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07So, you're a mosquito, it starts raining heavily, what happens next?
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Umbrellas, they put umbrellas up.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11That's a lovely idea.
0:20:11 > 0:20:17They're flying about going like that, "Aah, I love it, aaah."
0:20:17 > 0:20:19The problem they face is that one rain drop
0:20:19 > 0:20:21is 50 times heavier than they are,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- so you'd imagine they're being knocked sideways by them.- Good.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- But, yes... And frankly good bloody riddance!- I bloody hate them!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29But this is what happens...
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- They just brush them aside.- Oh.- Oh.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32And sometimes they actually ride on them.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35We actually annoyingly don't have film of them riding on them,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38and then they leap off just before they hit the ground and burst.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40They very, sort of, elegantly cope with them.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Because they like wet weather...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44I genuinely think that we have slept-walked
0:20:44 > 0:20:45into being a mosquito nation.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- I don't remember mosquitoes. Gnats, yes. Swarms of gnats.- Yeah.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Mosquitoes were something you experienced abroad.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54But now they say there's only one thing guaranteed,
0:20:54 > 0:20:57if you're having a barbecue, to keep the mosquitoes away from the food -
0:20:57 > 0:21:00that's hang a big bag of blood over by the neighbours' house,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03and you'll find they'll always go that way.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06But I don't remember mosquitoes being in this country...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Well, it's climate change.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- ..and I think the Daily Mail should look into it.- Yes.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13You could obviously want to take the Tube to stay nice and dry
0:21:13 > 0:21:16and avoid the problem of rain drops at all,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19but there is, in fact, a special sub-species of mosquito
0:21:19 > 0:21:22that lives only on the London Underground.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- Yeah?- Yeah, and it bites rats, dogs and people,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28and it's called Culex pipiens molestus.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31There it is.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34It's not that big, don't worry. Please.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38But I promise you, it is a horrible...
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Would you like a seat? Thanks very much.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I've bitten four rats and I'm exhausted.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47So, if it's raining is it best to run into the dry,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50or to walk slowly into the dry?
0:21:50 > 0:21:51In order to be less wet.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I've just realised how much of my life I've spent,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56when it rains, trying to work this out.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Going, "If I run, am I running into more rain drops?"
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Yes, exactly. That's the point.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03"Or if I walk.... So what's going to make me wetter?"
0:22:03 > 0:22:07And by the time I've stopped and figured that out, I'm drenched.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08Yes.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- You run, but you run sideways... - Ah, yours is...
0:22:11 > 0:22:12..in a very narrow shape.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- You're absolutely on the money here, Alan.- Really?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Is that right?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23If... Yeah. If you're thin. So there are many, many variables.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Pull your tummy in, pull your tummy in.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27It's all been thought through by a man called...
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- So, fat people get wet? - No, well...- Fucking typical.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- That's a good title for a book... - It is.- Fat People...
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Fat People Get Wet.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Isn't it a Randy Newman song?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44# Fat people get wet... #
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Professor Franco Bocci actually wrote a paper
0:22:47 > 0:22:49in the European Journal Of Physics.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- He's a high-level physics man... - I love that journal.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Obviously it was sort of semi-jokey,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56but it covered all the points you've made.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59It recommends that if the rain is falling straight down,
0:22:59 > 0:23:00or being blown towards you by the wind,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03you should run as fast as you can until you reach shelter.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04If the wind is behind you,
0:23:04 > 0:23:07you should try and match the speed of the wind.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10If the wind is from the side,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13fat people should run as fast as they can.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Whereas very thin people might be better off walking.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22The maths behind it is apparently fiendishly complex.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- If it's from the side, run as fast as you can.- Yeah.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Be pretty galling to be in that situation
0:23:27 > 0:23:30and see a mosquito surfing past. Wheee!
0:23:32 > 0:23:35So, now then, do you remember when snails were faster?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Yes.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Good. You probably do. You probably do.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- Incrementally, by such a small amount.- Yeah?
0:23:45 > 0:23:46They're slowing down?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Snails are slowing down, yes.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54It's like that awful joke about the builder who turns round and stamps on a snail and says,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56"That bastard's been following me round all day."
0:23:58 > 0:24:01What about the bloke...? The snail who knocks on the door
0:24:01 > 0:24:03and the bloke picks it up and he goes...throws it away.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Then about two days later, he hears "bing-bong",
0:24:06 > 0:24:08and he opens the door and the snail goes, "What?"
0:24:11 > 0:24:14But they do... Apparently, if you throw them away,
0:24:14 > 0:24:19they do make their way back to where you flung them from.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I'm sure I read that. I'm sure someone painted up some...
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- Not thinking of cats?- Oh, yes.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Yes, yes.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- You're thinking grandparents. - Grandparents!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- No, I'm sure... - But you are right about snails,
0:24:31 > 0:24:34and of course they're the easiest animals on earth to mark, virtually.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I mean, because of the shell.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39So, some scientists from Chile took the common garden snail,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42and what they did on each one is they measured their metabolism
0:24:42 > 0:24:45by the amount of CO2 they emitted at rest.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48And then they released them into the wild,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51and then later they went out
0:24:51 > 0:24:54and found some dead ones and some still-living ones.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56And they found that the size of the snails
0:24:56 > 0:24:59had no effect on their survival and thriving rates,
0:24:59 > 0:25:00but the metabolic rate did.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02The lower the snail's metabolic rate,
0:25:02 > 0:25:04the greater the chance of survival.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07It seems that nature is selecting for snails with a slower metabolism,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09giving it more time to do that kind of thing.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- Oh, yeah, look at him.- Yeah. Now that's lazy. That is lazy.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I mean, say what you want.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Are they slowing down because they've taken up smoking?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- Is that why they're slower? - It's a good point.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23I think it's evolutionary pressure is slowing them down, as it were,
0:25:23 > 0:25:24selecting them for slowing.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28I think I read somewhere that they were the first things we farmed.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Do you know? I think that rings a bell.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33I have a feeling they were the first things we farmed because...
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Well, because they're relatively easy to farm.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I mean, it's a quiet day for a snail shepherd, you know.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I would think, but they found evidence
0:25:43 > 0:25:45from very, very early man that...
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- That we'd farmed them, yeah. - You're absolutely right.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50In fact, we covered this, didn't we, Alan? Do you remember?
0:25:50 > 0:25:51- Is your memory stirring? - Yes, we did.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54That's what's happened with QI now. You'll have people like me
0:25:54 > 0:25:58coming on and going, "I'm sure I heard somewhere..."
0:25:58 > 0:25:59I can't think where the hell it was.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05So, if you want to catch a snail, there's no hurry.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08The longer you leave it, the slower it'll be going.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Who are Europe's biggest swingers?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- The Germans.- The Germans?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- ALARM WAILS - Oh, dear. Here we go.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21- Could be a long ride.- The Dutch.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23- Dutch, that's an interesting one. - Ah, haha!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Damn and curses.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Don't say any Scandinavian countries, whatever you do.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- Very wise.- Do you mean swingers, like, that swing from things?
0:26:33 > 0:26:34I literally do, yeah.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Or swingers that are married couples looking for some excitement?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Cunning you. You have seen through our ploy.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44It is indeed the more literal former.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45I don't know anything about that.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48People who use swings in a sporting way. They have...
0:26:48 > 0:26:52- I do about the other. - Yes, of course.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55They have a national pastime, which is called kiiking,
0:26:55 > 0:26:59- or kiiking, K-I-I-K.- Hungarians.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Oddly enough, it's one of only two other countries
0:27:02 > 0:27:05that has a language which is based on the same language as Hungary.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- Iceland.- No.- Finland.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09No, though Finland is one of them.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- It's Estonia, bizarrely.- Estonia.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Yeah, it's Estonia, Finland and Hungary
0:27:13 > 0:27:15are part of the Finno-ugric linguistic family.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17I had a UKIP leaflet came through the door
0:27:17 > 0:27:20saying that's how they're going to get in, using big swings.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24All of them, apparently, the whole lot -
0:27:24 > 0:27:26they're all just going to swing in in one day.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- Well, they will take up space in our parks...- That's right.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Swinging in a way that we've never seen before. Behold kiiking.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34They can swing better than we can.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37You'll see something that we thought was impossible when we were children.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- You start off like that...- He's not going to go round the top, is he?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- He's not going to go over the top?! - Surely he couldn't.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- Look at that, big leg thrusts.- Well...
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Big leg thrusts at just the right moment.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48He could have someone's eye out.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52Hitting the resonance of the pendulum just at the right moment.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54- He's been to see Matilda.- Oops.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Ah, now he's higher. Come on, baby!
0:27:58 > 0:28:01- There he goes!- Yes!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Wowzeroonie! And then nearly up then.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06- So, that's the sport. - That's tremendous.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09The interesting thing is, those arms, they are adjustable,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12so everyone has a go. When they've all done it at that height,
0:28:12 > 0:28:13you then extend the arms telescopically,
0:28:13 > 0:28:16you bracket them up, and it's a bit like the high jump or something.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18All those who can't do it drop out
0:28:18 > 0:28:21until you've got a winner who's got the longest arm setting
0:28:21 > 0:28:22and has done a complete 360 degree turn.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26You'd have to raise the height of the axis though, wouldn't you?
0:28:26 > 0:28:30- That would be very important. - Yes.- Otherwise...
0:28:30 > 0:28:34- Oh, heavens, yes.- I mean, it's good, it's nice to win, but...
0:28:34 > 0:28:35No. Exactly.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Well put. They look obviously immensely strong,
0:28:38 > 0:28:41the thighs are very strong, getting that real sort of kick in
0:28:41 > 0:28:45- because they haven't got Daddy pushing. - I'm imagining the thighs now.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Oh, stop it! Picture...
0:28:47 > 0:28:49They're immensely strong.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Mates would push you when you were little, and they wouldn't stop.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54I know! And you screamed!
0:28:54 > 0:28:58Have you seen the one where kids put a moped on its side?
0:28:58 > 0:29:01And they put the back wheel of the moped against the bottom
0:29:01 > 0:29:05of the roundabout when there's some children on it, and then hit it.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08- Yeah?- Oh. Oh, my word.
0:29:08 > 0:29:12It is one of those, you can't look, but you also can't look away.
0:29:12 > 0:29:16They start going and they are like, "Ah, this is... Aaargh!"
0:29:16 > 0:29:18- And then come flying off. - Oh, my God!
0:29:18 > 0:29:22- The thing happens that you thought would happen with the Earth. - Exactly, yeah, yeah.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24And they say kids don't get out enough these days,
0:29:24 > 0:29:27but there they are, on YouTube, being brilliant.
0:29:27 > 0:29:31Developing new forms of torture for their fellows.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35I think the thing about taking kids to the swings is that it is such
0:29:35 > 0:29:41a weird mixture of incredibly stressful and really boring at the same time.
0:29:41 > 0:29:45They could break their neck, but most of the time they don't,
0:29:45 > 0:29:48and so you're just standing there going,
0:29:48 > 0:29:53"God, I've been here half an hour, and it seems like, you know, a year."
0:29:53 > 0:29:55The other thing is, if they fall over, is the dog poo.
0:29:55 > 0:29:59If they transfer it to their eyes, they go blind.
0:29:59 > 0:30:00Sandpits.
0:30:00 > 0:30:04A sandpit, that was always full of turds and junkies' needles as well.
0:30:05 > 0:30:11- And dog poo was chalky white, wasn't it? Which it no longer is. - Yes, pure.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13That's because of the ingredients in the dog food.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16Well, and the length of time it's left out.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19Because now people pick it up and put it in a bag
0:30:19 > 0:30:22and then put the bag back where the poo was anyway.
0:30:22 > 0:30:26Who...? Who is doing that? Who are they?
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Who are those people? Or hang it from a tree.
0:30:32 > 0:30:37My children believe that bagged poo grows on trees.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40I had to explain it to them. No wonder ash trees have surrendered.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44Yes! Dear, oh, dear! Most unfortunate.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48Anyway, the Estonians have taken swinging right over the top.
0:30:48 > 0:30:53What happened to most of the people in Pompeii when Vesuvius erupted?
0:30:53 > 0:30:56- # Moves like Jagger... # - Yes, Marcus?
0:30:56 > 0:30:59They choked on the dust and gases,
0:30:59 > 0:31:05but they were sort of set in dust before anything else touched them.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07- Mmmm...- No?
0:31:07 > 0:31:09- # Movies... # - Most of them got away.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14Is the right answer. Yes.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16Very good, yeah. Yeah.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18APPLAUSE
0:31:18 > 0:31:23A jolly encouraging and patronising round of applause to you, young Alan.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26You're absolutely right. Spot on.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29If we got all my patronising rounds of applause,
0:31:29 > 0:31:31added them together...
0:31:31 > 0:31:35Yes! It would probably tilt the earth off its axis.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38Around 1,100 bodies were found at Pompeii.
0:31:38 > 0:31:42But at least 15,000 people, which is 83% of the population, escaped.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45But we know one person who did not escape, don't we, Alan?
0:31:45 > 0:31:48Who, out of his natural curiosity, sat down on a chair and
0:31:48 > 0:31:52tied a pillow to his head with a napkin and watched it and then suffocated.
0:31:52 > 0:31:57- Yes.- And his name was...? Your old friend.- Pliny.- Pliny! Hooray!
0:31:57 > 0:32:00- It's always Pliny. - It's always Pliny.- The elder?
0:32:00 > 0:32:03- The elder.- Yes, not Pliny the Younger.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05Certainly not Pliny the Wise.
0:32:09 > 0:32:15Yes. Most of the ones you've seen of those bodies frozen, as it were, by the ash,
0:32:15 > 0:32:18actually had holes in them as their flesh corrupted within,
0:32:18 > 0:32:19and when they were discovered,
0:32:19 > 0:32:23it was deemed a neat idea to inject them with plaster of Paris,
0:32:23 > 0:32:26so almost all the ones you have seen are probably casts, or indeed,
0:32:26 > 0:32:29casts of casts, because there are probably at least a dozen
0:32:29 > 0:32:31of those around the world in different museums.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34But they're a perfect representation.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37Did you ever see it with the original cast? It was fabulous.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40- Ha ha! Very good! Very good!- Fabulous.- Very good.
0:32:40 > 0:32:44Now, what's the world's highest waterfall?
0:32:44 > 0:32:47That is to say, has the longest drop.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49- Is it in South America?- No.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52- It's not Angel Falls?- Angel.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54KLAXON
0:32:54 > 0:32:57Oh, no. I've...soiled my clean sheet.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00Oh, Jo!
0:33:00 > 0:33:03- What a tragedy.- It is.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06Its drop is 11,500 feet.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09Angel Falls is only 3,212 feet.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11But you think, "Well, what is it called, then?
0:33:11 > 0:33:13- "What's its name?" The weird thing is, it doesn't have a name.- Oh.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15- It's actually underwater... - Underwater.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17..between Greenland and Iceland.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19Why does it count as a waterfall, though,
0:33:19 > 0:33:22when there's loads of water there anyway?
0:33:22 > 0:33:25Because it's a huge current of cold water dropping down,
0:33:25 > 0:33:27and it is a waterfall within water.
0:33:27 > 0:33:31- In Iceland all the other water is warm, isn't it?- By comparison, very.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34It's why the ice cap disappearing matters,
0:33:34 > 0:33:39because the ice cap is incredibly cold water which is then very dense,
0:33:39 > 0:33:42and it drops very fast to the ocean bed,
0:33:42 > 0:33:45which draws warm water up, straight past us.
0:33:45 > 0:33:50If that process stops, then instead of being two or three degrees warmer and having peach trees on our lawn,
0:33:50 > 0:33:53we will actually probably sink back into an ice age.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56Have you been talking to David Attenborough?
0:33:56 > 0:33:59No, I've been there. I went with a research vessel.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02One of the best things that happened on that trip,
0:34:02 > 0:34:06we reached the east coast of Greenland and went into a fjord,
0:34:06 > 0:34:10and they wanted to film me floating between icebergs.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12I got in this survival suit, got in the sea,
0:34:12 > 0:34:14and as I was climbing down the ladder, this guy says,
0:34:14 > 0:34:16"Oh, there's a seal in the water."
0:34:16 > 0:34:19And I thought, "That's good, it'll make the film really exciting. Brilliant."
0:34:19 > 0:34:22And as I let go of the ladder, like this, you can hear him say,
0:34:22 > 0:34:24"Hang on, that's not a seal, it's a bear."
0:34:27 > 0:34:31And you can see this mother bear,
0:34:31 > 0:34:34mercifully with two cubs on her back, otherwise
0:34:34 > 0:34:37she'd have been a lot quicker, is going across the bay like this.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39- And then she goes... - HE SNIFFS
0:34:41 > 0:34:44- In my direction.- Two cubs to feed. - In my direction.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47- Well, indeed, that's... - I must Brig-stock my larder.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51Exactly. That's why she was crossing what would have been a frozen fjord,
0:34:51 > 0:34:53she was looking for any ice on which she could hunt
0:34:53 > 0:34:57and feed those cubs, and then we watched her climb a mile or so
0:34:57 > 0:35:01up and down into the next fjord to find that one isn't frozen either.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04- So, yes, very bleak and very beautiful and amazing.- Poignant.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07But this... This doesn't have a name, right?
0:35:07 > 0:35:09No, weirdly, it doesn't. The QI Waterfall.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13- The QI Waterfall, yes. - The Alan Davies Waterfall.
0:35:13 > 0:35:14The Alan Davies Cascade.
0:35:15 > 0:35:19- That would be a good name, wouldn't it?- Now you're talking.- Yeah.
0:35:19 > 0:35:20That's a haircut as well, isn't it?
0:35:20 > 0:35:25- LAUGHTER - Very good.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31It's also a position.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38Can't do it any more - I need support.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42The unnamed QI Waterfall
0:35:42 > 0:35:46carries at least 175 million cubic feet of cold water per second.
0:35:46 > 0:35:50- It's the equivalent of 2,000 Niagaras at peak flow.- Wow.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53Yeah. So, what's the world's biggest river?
0:35:53 > 0:35:54And where is it?
0:35:54 > 0:35:58- Is it underwater? - KLAXON
0:36:00 > 0:36:03It's a nice thought.
0:36:03 > 0:36:07- Amazon.- Oh! - KLAXON
0:36:07 > 0:36:10- Hang on. There you go.- Nile. - Nile? Well, you just...
0:36:10 > 0:36:12KLAXON
0:36:14 > 0:36:18- When you said biggest?- Yeah. - What do you mean? Widest, longest?
0:36:18 > 0:36:20- Carries the most water. - Carries the most water.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22Well, you're going to be so angry. It's in the sky.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25- They're called atmospheric rivers.- Oh!
0:36:27 > 0:36:28Oh, now, I've got to say,
0:36:28 > 0:36:31sometimes, on behalf of the audience, I hate this programme.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34APPLAUSE
0:36:35 > 0:36:36I agree.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38I agree and I'm really...
0:36:38 > 0:36:40This is hurting you far more than it hurts me. No...
0:36:40 > 0:36:42They're known as atmospheric rivers.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45They're vast ribbons of water vapour moving water around the world.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47They appear in different places, different times.
0:36:47 > 0:36:492,000 km long.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Are they the ones that are perfectly timed
0:36:51 > 0:36:52to coincide with bank holidays?
0:36:52 > 0:36:55Yes, absolutely. In fact you're right. They're the ones.
0:36:55 > 0:36:582,000 kilometres long and only a few kilometres wide,
0:36:58 > 0:37:00but although they cover less than 10% of the globe,
0:37:00 > 0:37:02four or five of them
0:37:02 > 0:37:06- contain 90% of all the world's water vapour at a time.- Wow.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08So the world's biggest rivers are in the sky - I'm sorry about that.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12But seriously, name the world's biggest river that isn't in the sky.
0:37:14 > 0:37:18Go on, Alan. Go on, Al.
0:37:18 > 0:37:19An actual river this time?
0:37:19 > 0:37:22- That isn't in the sky. No, that isn't in the sky.- Yes, but...
0:37:22 > 0:37:26Is it one of those ones that Alan's mentioned already?
0:37:26 > 0:37:27- Do you think, maybe?- No.
0:37:27 > 0:37:32There is a river under the Amazon called the Rio Hamza,
0:37:32 > 0:37:35and it is actually bigger than the Amazon itself.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38- It was only discovered in 2011. - The Rio Hamza?
0:37:38 > 0:37:42- Yes, exactly, the Abu Hamza. - Is it sort of hook-shaped?
0:37:43 > 0:37:46It is a really sad coincidence, I'm afraid.
0:37:46 > 0:37:50- A river hated by the tabloids. - It's hated by the tabloids.
0:37:50 > 0:37:55Yes, they collected data from 241 abandoned deep wells
0:37:55 > 0:37:58and it runs 6,000 km, like the Amazon above it,
0:37:58 > 0:38:01but is up to four times wider.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05And that's 200 to 400 km wide.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08- How far down is it? - 4km beneath the Amazon itself.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10I mean, some people would say it's an aquaflow,
0:38:10 > 0:38:13but it actually flows horizontally, like a river.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16- And it is called "hio", which is "river flows".- Do things live in it?
0:38:16 > 0:38:18There must be organisms.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20No matter how crap a place is,
0:38:20 > 0:38:23Attenborough always goes, "Even here...
0:38:24 > 0:38:28- "..something very stupid..." - Then something comes past going...
0:38:28 > 0:38:30"..has built its house."
0:38:31 > 0:38:34- ..like the Muppets. - Yeah. He'll go anywhere, won't he?
0:38:34 > 0:38:37- The organism Muppet.- Yeah, yeah. - He's got a little light on his head.
0:38:40 > 0:38:41It's true.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43And here they are mating.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48It's absolutely true.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51So, the biggest river that isn't in the sky is underground.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53So, what's the world's biggest animal? Alan?
0:38:53 > 0:38:56- Oh, don't, get me started. - Oh, it's...whatever you say...
0:38:56 > 0:38:59# I've got the moves... #
0:38:59 > 0:39:03- It's the blue whale.- Is the right answer!- Oh, you bastard!
0:39:03 > 0:39:06APPLAUSE
0:39:08 > 0:39:09Poor Alan.
0:39:11 > 0:39:15- Oh, it's so unfair.- No-one's allowed to say "blue whale" except me.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18It's the biggest animal that's ever lived on the Earth,
0:39:18 > 0:39:21- bigger than any dinosaur. - Absolutely correct, yeah.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23- Magnificent things. - Tongue as big as a bus.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25- And we know, we know... - Alan's so annoyed.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27- We know next to nothing about them.- You're right.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29We don't know where they go, or anything.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31I know where they go, I know exactly,
0:39:31 > 0:39:32I know everything about them.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36They go on the minus side of the debit ledger, don't they?
0:39:36 > 0:39:38- Yes, exactly.- Their tongue is the size of a Mini Cooper.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Or is it their heart?
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Oh, poor Alan, everyone's feeling so sorry for you.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45But they are... No, they are mysterious and extraordinary
0:39:45 > 0:39:46and beautiful animals.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49- And they're huge.- Oh, fuck off!
0:39:54 > 0:39:57- You tried.- It's been waiting for me for years.
0:39:57 > 0:39:58You tried, is all I can say.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01And it is of course the blue whale. Don't you listen to anything?
0:40:01 > 0:40:03Now we're going to end.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06How can you knock a building down with a feather?
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Like the Shard, for example.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10You could knock it down - I could knock it down,
0:40:10 > 0:40:14if I prepared things correctly - with a whisk of a feather.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16- Not using any electronics. - A very, very large feather.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19No, using... I've actually got the feather here that I'm going to use.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21It's nice and pink, so it stands out.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23That would be the feather I would use.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26Do you tickle the architect while he's doing...
0:40:26 > 0:40:29Coming up with the plans, so that they're all off? Like that.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32- And it falls over.- And then they make it. "Oh, it didn't work."
0:40:32 > 0:40:34"Well, Stephen was tickling me with a feather."
0:40:34 > 0:40:39A cunning thought, but no. This is the existing standing Shard.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42- And you could reduce that to rubble with a feather?- Yeah.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45Shall I show you? I'll show you the principle.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48This is my little template to show me where I have to go.
0:40:48 > 0:40:53You see, I've got them down here and here's my big... Oh! My big load.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56- Oops.- Steady.- There we go.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58Now, what we've got here is,
0:40:58 > 0:41:01in varying sizes, kind of dominos.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03You can see. And the idea is
0:41:03 > 0:41:08that each one is just 1½ times bigger than the one before it.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10And it may seem like a very little amount,
0:41:10 > 0:41:13but what we're going to do is make a really loud bang with this.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15What, is that meant to be like the Shard?
0:41:15 > 0:41:16Dominos, it's the domino effect.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19- You would aim this at the Shard...- Yes.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21..and you would only need 24 of these.
0:41:21 > 0:41:25Each one just 1½ times bigger than the one before it -
0:41:25 > 0:41:27that's the point.
0:41:27 > 0:41:31You'd only need 24 and the last one would utterly destroy it.
0:41:31 > 0:41:34- Really?- Blimey.- It's the exponential increase of mass,
0:41:34 > 0:41:37just by going 1½ times bigger.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40It's all right. It can only fall, yeah.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43I've got a splinter off my broom now.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47Careful, careful. Right, here we go.
0:41:47 > 0:41:51We've just made the security services' job that much more hard.
0:41:51 > 0:41:54- You can bring down the Shard... - Here we go. So...
0:41:54 > 0:41:58Who needs to hijack aircraft any more? QI's given it away.
0:41:58 > 0:42:02So you imagine this increasing up to just 24
0:42:02 > 0:42:05and you'd start with one movement of a feather,
0:42:05 > 0:42:07and all the potential energy stored in these
0:42:07 > 0:42:09and all the mass of them like that,
0:42:09 > 0:42:11and you just have that effect, like wow...
0:42:12 > 0:42:14- Wow!- There you go.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18- Excellent.- That's pretty good, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:42:18 > 0:42:21That's brilliant. Bravo.
0:42:21 > 0:42:24Where did you come by such a camp feather?
0:42:24 > 0:42:26The awful thing was, I was asked to choose a colour
0:42:26 > 0:42:29and I immediately went, "I think this one stands out."
0:42:31 > 0:42:32It is a lovely feather.
0:42:32 > 0:42:34There's a bird of paradise somewhere
0:42:34 > 0:42:36having a very problematic flirting season.
0:42:37 > 0:42:40Well, we've run out of energy for this week.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42Let's see the movement on the scoreboard.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44And oh, my word, isn't it fantastic?
0:42:44 > 0:42:47Clear winner - I want to say "as always", cos he's so brilliant.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49It's Danny Banker with plus eight!
0:42:49 > 0:42:52Thank you very much. I thank you very much.
0:42:55 > 0:43:00In fantastic second place with minus five, Marcus Brigstocke.
0:43:00 > 0:43:04- One mistake, Marcus, one mistake. - Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
0:43:04 > 0:43:07A very close third, with minus eight, Jo Brand.
0:43:09 > 0:43:12You must have minus 47, I think.
0:43:12 > 0:43:16But poor wee soul, with minus 56, in fourth place, it's Alan Davies.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18Whoo!
0:43:23 > 0:43:26Well, my thanks to Marcus, Danny, Jo and Alan.
0:43:26 > 0:43:30And it's goodbye from me, and adore each other. Good night.
0:43:52 > 0:43:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd